I’m in Love With Two Brothers

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "I’m in Love With Two Brothers"

Release Date: December 9, 2024
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Description: The Dr. John Delony Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to engage by sending questions via voicemail or email.

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1. Navigating Complex Romantic Feelings: A Love Triangle Conundrum

Caller: An anonymous individual finds themselves romantically involved with two brothers of their best friend and grapples with the dilemma of whether to disclose this to their close friend.

• Initial Confession ([00:05]):
  • Caller: "I am in a love triangle with my best friend's brothers. And my problem is I'm not really sure how to tell her or if I should tell her."

Discussion Highlights:

• Self-Reflection and Consequences ([00:15] - [05:34]):

  • Dr. John DeLoney: Encourages the caller to introspect on what they are gaining from the situation.
  • Josh: Warns about the potential fallout on friendships and family dynamics.
  • Caller: Expresses fear of disrupting an eight-year friendship and the family unit.

• Integrity and Honesty ([05:21] - [08:44]):

  • Josh: Emphasizes that keeping such secrets erodes personal integrity and the foundation of the friendship.
  • Caller: Admits having confessed feelings but fears the repercussions.

• Advice on Transparency ([08:24] - [12:00]):

  • Josh: Urges the caller to be honest, even if it risks the current relationships.
  • Caller: Acknowledges the difficulty but decides to confront the issue head-on.

Notable Quotes:

• Josh ([05:33]): "No love is worth your integrity."
• Caller ([06:02]): "You really got me there. You really got me there."

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2. Supporting a Partner Through a Cancer Diagnosis While Maintaining Self-Care

Caller: Hannah from Greenville, South Carolina, shares her struggle to balance being everything her husband needs during his battle with stage four esophageal cancer while also taking care of herself.

• Situation Overview ([16:20] - [18:49]):

  • Hannah: Describes her husband's sudden illness, diagnosis, and the emotional toll it has taken on their marriage.

• Mental Health Balance ([18:50] - [32:17]):

  • Josh: Advises Hannah to prioritize her well-being through therapy, journaling, and building a support network.
  • Hannah: Expresses feelings of neglecting herself amidst caring for her husband.
  • Josh: Highlights the importance of preparing for all possible outcomes and maintaining personal health to support her husband effectively.

Notable Quotes:

• Hannah ([16:22]): "I have been completely pouring myself out to him... I also am neglecting myself."
• Josh ([21:15]): "Your husband's young and healthy and the doctors are doing some wild things with cancer these days."

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3. Coping with Family Secrets and Intrusive Thoughts Linked to OCD

Caller: Kelly from Des Moines discusses her distress over discovering her mother watches pornography and how it intertwines with her own struggles with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).

• Discovery and Initial Reactions ([34:35] - [39:29]):

  • Kelly: Shares how her brother discovered their mother's pornography usage and her subsequent conversations with her father and mother.

• Impact on Mental Health ([39:29] - [48:29]):

  • Josh: Recognizes the deep-seated trauma stemming from her family dynamics and encourages seeking professional help.
  • Kelly: Describes intrusive thoughts during intimate moments and daily life, exacerbated by her OCD.
  • Josh: Validates her feelings and emphasizes that she is not alone, urging her to choose healing over mere survival.

Notable Quotes:

• Kelly ([35:03]): "My dad is actually the textbook definition of a narcissist."
• Josh ([42:09]): "There is nothing wrong with you."

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4. Expert Insights and Therapeutic Recommendations

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney and Josh provide compassionate guidance, emphasizing the importance of honesty, self-care, and professional therapy.

• Encouragement for Professional Help ([46:38] - [52:17]):

  • Josh: Recommends seeking therapy to address deep-rooted issues and offers practical steps like journaling and building a support network.

• Building a Non-Anxious Life ([53:10] - [54:25]):

  • Josh: Urges callers to make definitive steps towards mental well-being, reinforcing that healing is attainable with deliberate effort.

Notable Quotes:

• Josh ([50:32]): "Healing is possible. Hang on the line."
• Josh ([52:42]): "You're worth that. Your husband's worth that."

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5. Concluding Thoughts and Takeaways

The episode culminates with reflections on the shared experiences of the callers, reinforcing the themes of vulnerability, integrity, and the pursuit of mental health. Dr. John Delony and Josh underscore the significance of addressing personal struggles openly and seeking the necessary support systems to foster healing and maintain meaningful relationships.

Final Remarks:

• Josh ([56:11]): "The last caller... she was very, very, very brave, and I'm proud of her and hope she gets the help and care that she needs."
• Josh ([57:58]): "Healing is possible. Hang on the line."

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Key Takeaways:

1. Honesty is Crucial: Whether dealing with complex romantic feelings or family secrets, transparency preserves integrity and relationships.

2. Self-Care Amidst Caregiving: Supporting a loved one through illness necessitates maintaining one's own mental and emotional health.

3. Addressing Mental Health Issues: Recognizing and seeking help for conditions like OCD can lead to significant personal healing and improved quality of life.

4. Professional Support is Vital: Therapy and professional guidance are essential tools in navigating personal and relational challenges.

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This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show delves deep into the intricacies of human relationships and mental health, offering listeners valuable insights and actionable advice to navigate their personal struggles effectively.

Transcript

[Caller]

I am in a love triangle with my best friend's brothers. And my problem is I'm not really sure how to tell her or if I should tell her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what are you getting out of this? Because you're getting something. Spend some time just sitting in it.

[Josh]

Because you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up a. Like a family.

[Caller]

What up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Josh]

This is Josh with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm recording this on the morning of Tuesday, the election day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm assuming that we made it.

[Josh]

I'm assuming that we made it. What do you got? What do you think, Kelly? You think. You think the world ever hears this episode?

[Taylor]

Yeah, I think we'll make it. I don't know that we will know who the President is. Even when this airs a month from now, in December, I still think it'll be litigious.

[Josh]

That's the biggest word you've ever used. Look at you. Hang out with a couple of PhDs and you just. Everything gets.

[Taylor]

No, no, no, no. You're not taking any credit for that.

[Josh]

I think we all know that my vocabulary is really elevated.

[Taylor]

No.

[Josh]

So we'll find out. And I'm sure some of you will reach out to me on the Instagrams and say you were wrong or you were right. I think we know by 10:00 tonight.

[Taylor]

I hope so. Just because I want it to be done. I want it to be.

[Josh]

Let me. Okay, let me rephrase. I hope we're done by 10. I think we're done in February.

[Taylor]

I agree. But I hope we're done.

[Josh]

Oh, my God. Let's go to Baltimore, Maryland. Save us, Taylor. Save us. What's up, Taylor?

[Caller]

Hi, John.

[Josh]

What's up?

[Caller]

Nothing much. How are you?

[Josh]

Okay. I'm running a N equals one experiment. Whenever somebody answers the phone, I just like listening to how people answer. And when anyone says my name in a long, extended way, like you just did, you're doing something that you know is dumb.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am I right or wrong?

[Kelly]

Oh, gosh.

[Caller]

Yeah, pretty much.

[Josh]

Oh, sweet. Hey, John. What are you doing? What'd you do?

[Caller]

So my problem and question to you is I am currently.

[Josh]

I'm not laughing at you. Like, you're. You're. This is so great. You're slow. All right, here we go. You've been thinking about this moment. You're gonna say it out loud. Just say it.

[Kelly]

Yep.

[Caller]

I haven't. I haven't said it out loud until just now, so.

[Josh]

Okay, cool. Let's dance.

[Caller]

I am in a love triangle with my best friend's brothers. She has two brothers. And currently I am in some sort of love triangle with them. And my problem is I'm not really sure how to tell her or if I should tell her or what even to do or how to go about the situation. I've been trying to, like, build up the courage and like, sometimes like whenever we hang out. We've been hanging out a lot. Whenever we hang out, I'll be like, hey, I have something to tell you. And then she's like, okay, what? And then I just flop. And I can't get it out. Like, I just can't say it. I just cannot.

[Josh]

All right, get it out. Help me with some definitions of terms. Are you sleeping with both of them?

[Caller]

Okay, no.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Caller]

We have just been. No, no, that would be. Sorry. We've just been like texting a lot. And this past weekend was obviously Halloween. So, you know, all of us being like in our early 20s, you know, I saw them out at the bars and you know, just like, I don't. Like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a crush on them.

[Caller]

Yeah. And it. And they have expressed to me that they also have a crush on me, but they don't know. I don't. As far as I know, they do not know that both of them have a crush on me and I have a crush on both of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what are you getting out of this? Because you're getting something.

[Caller]

I don't really.

[Josh]

You do spend some time just sitting in it because you're about to blow up your friendship and you're about to blow up a family.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Caller]

That's what I'm nervous about. So I'm not really sure exactly how she would feel about it. Me and her have been best friends for seven, going on eight years. So we've been best friends for a really long time. So I'm not exactly sure on if she would be okay with it even in the first place.

[Josh]

The fact that you have been best friends with her for seven years and you can't tell her tells me. Yeah, my brother in law was my friend before I knew his sister. And he said, hey, this pains me to say this, but I think you're going to marry my sister and I want you to date her. And I was like, this is the weirdest conversation. And then he went on to say, I can't be your friend right now while you're dating my sister. And I was like, that's weird. And he was right. But here's the thing. Like, we were friends for 18 months or a year. Right. And so you being best friends with someone for seven or eight years, you know.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You know that it will blow that up. And fine, blow it up for love. Do what you want to do. Here's the thing. You have a crush on two guys.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And that's fine. Have as many crushes as you want to. You're in your early 20s. Crush away. It's the person you are revealing yourself to be.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

As someone who keeps secrets from their best friend, Someone who keeps secrets between brothers, someone who lies to one brother over another, Someone who's becoming somebody that she didn't know she was capable of becoming in a negative way. And no, no, no love. No love is worth your integrity.

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah, you.

[Caller]

You really got me there. You really got me there.

[Josh]

So if you're not sleeping together and you're not making out with these guys and you're just hanging out like a.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not.

[Josh]

I wouldn't call it a love triangle. I would just stop using that language. It's kind of just like that's exasperated TikTok language. But, like, you have a crush on two guys who happen to be brothers. Do you like the idea of having secret crushes on two brothers, or do you actually think I could have a relationship with either of these guys?

[Caller]

I do not like the idea really, at all. But I really do think, like, I could be, you know, in a really, like, a pretty good relationship with really, either one of them. They're both very, very good young men, in my opinion. I think so.

[Josh]

Well, great.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So what are you going to do? That's.

[Caller]

That's kind of what I'm here to ask you. Do you think I should just kind.

[Kelly]

Of call it all.

[Caller]

Call it all off and, like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're overblowing. What am I getting wrong?

[Josh]

I feel like you're way overblowing it.

[Caller]

I just. I don't. I think it's the fact that, like, she's my best friend and, like, this has been going on since, geez, like, the beginning of August.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you keep saying what's going on.

[Josh]

You're texting them. Yeah, but are you sending Topples pictures to them?

[Caller]

No.

[Josh]

Are you. Are you secretly making out with them?

[Caller]

I guess I have made out with one of them. Yes. Technically.

[Kelly]

Yes.

[Josh]

So. And again, I'm trying to just get to the. So he's talking to you specifically, and he doesn't know that you're also talking to his brother?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Does he talk about you to his brother?

[Caller]

I Mean, I'm assuming not if I feel like if he was one of them would have said something by now.

[Josh]

Have you heard the old thing about the assume? The word assume?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Josh]

I wouldn't assume anything because assume makes an ass out of you and me.

[Kelly]

Yeah, right.

[Josh]

I wouldn't assume anything. So. Yeah, I mean, I don't see a world where you're not lacking integrity.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, put it this way.

[Josh]

If you had a crush on somebody since August, you've been talking to them, you made out with them. In any other circumstance, would she know about this person?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Yeah. So you're like, you're intentionally withholding. It's being dishonest.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Don't be that person. Tell the truth.

[Caller]

Okay, then I'll go tell her and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I.

[Josh]

Don'T know, man.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's just like really. It's really like. It's like really hard to comprehend. Like, everything, like, even for me, like, I haven't told anyone about this because, like, like all, obviously, if we're best friends, all of our friends are also.

[Josh]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That tells me you're ashamed. Tells me you're ashamed of it.

[Josh]

What are you ashamed of?

[Caller]

I'm just ashamed of the fact that, like, I've been hiding it. And, like, not like I'm talking to two guys that, you know, not only am I talking to two guys, like they're related, they're brothers. Like, there's just like a lot, like, that goes on top of it.

[Josh]

Yeah. That you're at the epicenter. I would just. I would look in the mirror and say, I'm gonna stop being this person. And that means I'm gonna be a person who doesn't hold secrets from my best, best best friends. Even when I want to go to her and say, hey, I have a crush on your brother. Because I'm like, I'm thinking of my four or five best friends that are guys that are grown up. I would love it if they had. Not if. I mean, they weren't all in long term marriages. I would love it if they dated my sister. Yeah, it'd be weird and I'd make fun of them all the time, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would love it if they did.

[Josh]

My sister because I know what kind of caliber person they are.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Right. And so I, I don't have a psychology for like, that's my brother. Like, man, if it's your best friend, how. Who else would I want other than somebody that I know and trust and whatever. Unless you know. Yeah, I've got a bag of secrets that she Knows. And she's not going to want me around her brothers or I have a history of not telling her the truth. She doesn't want her brothers around a girl like me.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And that's like kind of another thing. Like, since we've been friends for so long, I've been around them while they have had other girlfriends. And, like, she's come to me talking about things that she just hates about them, like, you know, just digging into them as most siblings would, you know. All her brothers are older, so, you know, she just talks about, you know, everything she hates about, you know, their current girlfriend at the time, Their current girlfriend, her job.

[Josh]

She's the youngest sister, right?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

She's supposed to be judgy of their. Of their girlfriends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No one's ever going to be good.

[Josh]

Enough for their big brother. Except, yeah, maybe her best friend.

[Kelly]

Yeah, maybe, maybe.

[Josh]

But. But regardless, I want you at the young age of 20 to begin practicing. I'm not going to keep secrets from my friends. I'm not going to split families up over. Not even over love, over this feeling of I'm getting away with something. And this feeling of somewhat of control. You got some little puppet master thing going on here where she doesn't know, Brother number one doesn't know, brother number two doesn't know. I'm kind of in control of this thing. I hooked up with brother number one a little bit. Brother number two, just get out of that business, man, because here's the thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It robs you of your dignity and it robs you of your sleep.

[Josh]

And sleep and peace are in short supply these days. And so I'm optimizing not for the best interest rate. I'm not optimizing for the best.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, how is this going to feel, Max?

[Josh]

I am optimizing for peace, period. But, yeah, I'd have that conversation, and I do it, do it today because it's eating you alive. And then I would have a conversation with both of the brothers and say, y'all don't know this. I've been talking to both of you, and I'm sorry. I was wrong. I really want to date you. Or I really want to date you, but I'm gonna have this conversation. But make your call. I almost be willing to bet you're gonna lose all three of them for a time period, and probably she'll come back. And I think that's probably right. That's probably right. Or maybe one of the brothers says, nope, I pick. I pick Taylor, the girl who is also texting my other Brother. I pick her over my brother. And then if he does pick you over his brother, I would, I would ask more questions because I don't know if that's a guy you want to hit your wagon to long term either, but that's another phone call. Y'all can call me when y'all make that decision. Have the conversations today. Sister, thanks for the call. We'll be right back. Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's time to talk about organifi. Our bodies do a lot for us.

[Josh]

They keep us alive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Our bodies filter out these toxins. Our bodies deal with the onslaught of wild news cycles. And our bodies move us around. Our bodies do everything. And let's be honest, we don't always treat our bodies very well. So I want you to stop for a second and just say thank you to your body. And beyond just saying it, we can also say thank you to our bodies by actually doing things. We can change how we move and exercise. We can engage in close relationships, and we can change how we nourish our bodies with food and food blends. One great way I honor my body is with the products from Organifi. I love Organifi because they're super, super selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi helps you thank your body by using ingredients with integrity, plant based, certified organic, vegan, dairy free, soy free and glyphosate free.

[Josh]

Glyphosate is a pesticide.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your body will thank you for keeping away from it. And it's so easy to get the benefits with organifi. You just mix your favorite food blend with water. Personally, I love the green juice and the red juice in the morning for natural sustained energy and gut health. And I love happy drops every day. And I love the better biome gummies for digestion. And I often wind down in the evening with the gold chocolate hot cocoa. It's so good and it's naturally calming. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney right now to save 20% at checkout with code DeLoney. That's Organifi O R G A N I F I.com/Deloney and use code DeLoney for 20% off.

[Josh]

All right. I'm a founding and the only member.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of the get off the Internet and go outside club. And yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life, basically living on the Internet these days. And as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all of the time. We're signing up for promos, giving away our emails and Personal numbers. We're buying everything with our phones. And listen, I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, business accounts. Every business wants to survey me now and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me all kinds of stuff. It drives me nuts. And I know it drives you nuts too. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of data broker sites and they send you reports throughout the year to show you exactly what they removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy texts and phone calls which allow me to let my guard down a little bit and feel peace this holiday season. Share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to joindelete me.com DeLoney today for 20% off. That's joindelete me.comDeloney.

[Josh]

Let'S go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to. It's a shame about Ray. Hey Ray, what's up?

[Hannah]

Hey, how are you?

[Josh]

So good. How are you?

[Hannah]

I'm doing well, thank you. I'm calling to ask this question. How can I be everything that my husband needs me to be right now while also taking care of myself in a very difficult season of life?

[Josh]

Normally, I would have a smart aleck response to this, but it sounds like there's something deeper.

[Hannah]

Yes.

[Josh]

What's going on?

[Hannah]

So I'm 28. My husband is 27. We've been married for two and a half years. And so he, he's a med student. Last summer he started to get really sick and was throwing up every day. But that was leading up to the step two test, which is a medical board exam that they had to take in med school. And so we didn't think much of it. It's pretty normal for him to get anxiety, like physical anxiety symptoms. But then after this, he finished his test and he got his grade back and his grade was good. The symptoms didn't stop. And so we were like, okay, something is going on. And so I'm a teacher. And the day before, the first day of school, I was like, look, we've got to go to the emergency room because I'm not going to be able to help you out while I'm teaching. I'm not going to be able to answer my phone if you're feeling really sick, things like that. So we went to the emergency room and he was thinking maybe something was wrong with his gallbladder because he's having right upper quadrant pain, whatever. So they did an ultrasound and they saw some dark spots in his liver. They did a CT scan in the emergency room. They found about 10 lesions in his liver. We got transferred over to the oncology unit and the next day, this is August 2nd of this year, so just a couple months ago, they found a tumor in his esophagus. So, you know, the whole day before they found the tumor, we were praying like lymphoma or maybe it's just in the liver. But with finding the tumor in the esophagus, you know, we found out at stage four, that's way, way down the road there. Yeah, yeah. And so we talked to the oncologist. He gave a prognosis of a year and a half to two years. And this is talking to a 27 year old man and his 28 year old wife. And you know, prognosis is just aphrodis. And you know, he said that he's hoping and praying that that's not going to be the case because most people with esophageal cancer are like 60, 70 year old men.

[Josh]

Right.

[Hannah]

So there's hope. And things have been getting better. We started treatment. He's done five or six rounds of treatment now. We got a CT scan a couple weeks ago and showing minor. I don't know if you hear my dog. I'm sorry, minor shrinkage, like millimeters. So there's good news. But anyway, I say all that to say I have been completely pouring myself out to him as I feel like I should in this season. I don't think that's a bad thing, but I also am neglecting myself and I want to be sure that I'm taking care of myself so that I can be the best I can be to take care of him. And so I just kind of wanted to get your thoughts on what I should be doing.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Good gosh, dude. Um, have you just been going and going and going and going or have you had your moments?

[Hannah]

I've had some moments. I'm overall like a pretty positive, upbeat person. And so like, I think overall I'm usually like that still. I've definitely had my moment. So, you know, I'm trying to work. I'm working three to or two to three days a week, which is really hard being a teacher, working two to Three days a week. They put my kids on online classes. So when I go into work, I'm just, like, observing them doing online. Since I can't, like, be a good teacher right now. Now I'm getting my master's, and I haven't stopped getting my master's, so I'm like, okay, you. I'm loaded.

[Josh]

You need to stop.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Why don't you take a break?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Take a break from school. And any of your graduate school professors. First season. Almost all of my friends were college of education graduate school professors.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And they'll give you a break. They let you take incompletes for the semester. Or actually, you know what, you're running up on the semester, so you might as well just finish.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And then I would. I would take a leave for the spring.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Because one of two things is going to happen. The doctor is going to be right, and you have a precious 365 days left with your right or die. Or he's going to be wrong. And part of him being wrong will be that you had the strength and capacity and spirit to be anchored in when your husband was repelling off the edge, peering over to the other side.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

In all those cases, dude, get a freaking master's degree later.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Right?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And I think your husband won the lottery getting you as his wife.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Ray]

Thank you.

[Josh]

I also think there's this weird balance that happens where it's one of those things that every day is a new is a win, and every day might be one day closer. Right. So every morning, every sunrise is the greatest gift ever. And, oh, crap, there may only be a few of these left.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And if he doesn't see you cry with him, and I don't mean just get choked up. I mean, actually let this penetrate your. I mean, you've created this pretty amazing shell for yourself. My shell is sarcasm and sadness and, like my chemical romance, yours is joy. So I would trade with you in a heartbeat. But what will happen as this thing progresses and makes its move closer and closer to that magic finish line? When this doctor that the doctor put on the table is, he'll feel crazier and crazier, not closer and closer. And so I want you to think in terms of, we're going to celebrate together and we're going to weep together, and I'm going to hold his arms up when he can't. There's going to be occasions that I'm going to give him the greatest gift a wife can give a husband, and that is to curl up in his arms and sob and let, Let, Let him feel that his strength matters.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It's both. And.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

Denying him. Denying him your sadness won't be a gift. And I know it feels like it is. Right? He does. Like he doesn't need to think about this too, Right?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Trust me, Ray. He's thinking about it.

[Ray]

Right.

[Josh]

And so I, I, I. Man, I got so many things I would recommend to you. I'd recommend keeping a journal starting today, if you haven't. I'd write every day. Every day. I would make playlists. I would find a couple of, like, we're going to plan a thing every day, Whether it's five minutes or two minutes or seven minutes. That's just like us playing a card game or us doing something silly or us doing something that's not medical bill related and pick line related and measurement related. You get what I'm saying? It's not.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Josh]

In the business of not dying, which is that, you know, that's like this weird new job you all have, right?

[Ray]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Josh]

Do you have. And I'm being real technical here. And I'll get to the soft stuff here in a second. Do you have a will and all that stuff lined out?

[Hannah]

No, but he doesn't have anything because he's a med student. He's never even had had a job. So everything we have is mine anyway. You know what I mean?

[Josh]

Like legally, until he has a sister that doesn't want to believe, he's gone and sues you for everything. And I've just done this long enough. I would at least get online and go to Mama Bear Wills. It's an online will.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Josh]

And just write it out. It's like $30. It's amazing.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Josh]

When I moved from Texas to Tennessee before, I had met with like an estate planner and all that kind of stuff. That's what I did. Just because they don't, they don't go state to state, but it simply puts in writing in a legal document all my stuff is hers.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Josh]

And nobody can sue you. I mean, they can sue you for, but nobody can take it from you.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And it might be clothes, it might be his guitar, it might be his pictures. You don't ever know what somebody's going to try to come get some weird cousin somewhere or somebody's mom just flips a switch. And so there's these little things like making sure your name's on all of the accounts.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Making sure that you do not consolidate his med school debt if he's got Any.

[Ray]

Yeah, right.

[Hannah]

Don't do that.

[Josh]

Yeah, don't do that. I think. I haven't seen checked in a few years, but I think medical debt is still dischargeable if somebody passes away. And then we're going to fight like bloody hell. And the only way you can do that is if you're whole and well.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So what is. What does whole and well look like for. Right.

[Hannah]

I don't know. I don't know. Community and taking time for myself, I guess. But I mean, it's also him. And, like, I think that the idea of writing a will, like, just makes me. It's like accepting defeat. You know, I had.

[Josh]

My friend John King once told me, the only reason you should not have a will is if you hate your wife and kids.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So, in fact, it's not admitting defeat, it's building a foundation that we're going to build our house upon.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

So it's the. Actually the opposite. I get what you're feeling. I get what you're like, okay, we're gonna start making last plans. No, no, no, no. The day everyone gets married, they should have a will.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Just because you never know. A ring or a brush or. I mean, you find yourself in the fight for the stupidest thing sometimes. Do you have a group of women that you get together and meet with on a regular basis?

[Hannah]

Not regularly.

[Ray]

I do have.

[Hannah]

I do have my community. I think recently I've definitely put that on the back burner. And that's the thing that I'm going.

[Josh]

To bring it back and we're going to do two things. We're going to make it weekly and we're going to open a text thread. There's going to be four to five women that you trust.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Josh]

And I want you to tell them personally, I'm putting you on my. I can't handle this list.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

And I want you to make two commitments to your friends. I want you to be honest with them and I want them to make a commitment. They will always answer the text.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And by the way, it will give your friends such a gift because they don't know what to do right now.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

I'm afraid to burden them with this. I try not to break it up too much.

[Josh]

It would be such a blessing to them because they're. They're spinning around you, wondering how they can love you and they don't know how because you're positive. Ray and Ray's always like, we're working on it and things are going good and. And they want to love Ray. And they don't know how. And this is you saying, okay, I can't carry all this.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And so I'm gonna text you at 10am, I'm gonna text you at 2am and here's my commitments. Number one, I'm never gonna lie to you. I'm gonna be honest all the time. And number two, if I need something, I will ask. That way you. That way you can lob a grenade in the middle of the night. It's 2am and you wake up and you're looking at your husband sleeping and he's snoring a little bit and you start crying so hard wondering, where's God? That you can text your friends that at 2am and they don't try to solve anything. They don't need to solve it.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But you can say, where's God? I don't know what to do right now. Hey, can somebody meet me for coffee in the morning? And they will say yes.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

And will you commit to taking morning walks?

[Ray]

Yeah, yeah, I can do that.

[Josh]

Okay. Once you get outside and move around. Do you have a dog?

[Ray]

Yeah, I've got two.

[Josh]

Gosh, you thank God. Okay. You are going to be the dog walkiest person of all time. Okay.

[Hannah]

I can do that.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

We all keep a journal together too, by the way.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

What would that look like?

[Josh]

That's you overpaying for something. I want you to get something legacy that you'll hold onto for the rest of your life.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Like a fancy leather bound something or other. I don't want you to put it on each other's pillows.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And when it's on his pillow, he knows that you've written in it. And when it's on your pillow, you know he's written in it. And the commitment is we won't let 24 hours go before we write in it.

[Ray]

Well, yeah, we can do that.

[Josh]

And it can be things I'm scared about, things I love about you, Things I noticed yesterday. Things I'm terrified about, things I am really excited and optimistic about. Be all of it.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Josh]

Things will get harder and weirder to say.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

I'm debating on whether to tell you this now. I'm going to use your example, if that's okay, to talk to everybody. Is that fair?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Okay. I'm going to lead with number one. I'm going to be the most optimistic guy in your corner. That this thing gets itself worked out.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

That your husband's young and healthy and the doctors are doing some wild things with cancer. These days and that they are able to turn a pretty amazing corner.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Now I want to say here's the other side of the thing.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

Often when you're sitting in a doctor's office and they say you have. I'm making up a thing. But you have one year, you have 18 months, you look at the person next to you and you think you have 18 more months of that person. And what people don't often calculate or take into consideration because it's their first time, is they begin to lose parts of the person that they love.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

And so if there was a heartbreaking 18 months left, the last two months are really tough and the last six months are scary.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

Here's what I'm telling you. That. Don't waste any moments now.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Cool.

[Ray]

Cool.

[Hannah]

I try not to think about that, but I know it needs to be thought about.

[Josh]

I know, I know. And that's. That's the. If your finish line with him is sooner than anyone would ever wish on anybody, I want you to cross that finish line with your head up. Knowing there was not a single thing unsaid. There was not a single action untaken.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

There was not a single ounce of love not spoken into the universe. And those things unsaid, we're just going to say them. And maybe that's what that journal is. It's the unsaid journal. Do you have any life insurance? I mean, the scary stuff, right?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

No, it's.

[Josh]

Listen, not planning on a worst case scenario is not going to help avoid the worst case scenario. And it's not admitting defeat. It's just being smart.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And what you're. You're having to face is what every single person who says I do will ultimately face one day. And I've had this same conversation with 75 year olds. Do you have a will?

[Nate]

No.

[Josh]

Good God, make a will. Right. So you're not crazy.

[Ray]

Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[Josh]

I know that we often change names and locations on this. If. If people are the praying type, do you mind saying his name? Just his first name?

[Ray]

Yeah, yeah.

[Hannah]

His name's Hunter.

[Josh]

Hunter. Okay.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

People are the praying type. And listening to the show, I hope you'll pray for Hunter. And if you're not the praying type, I hope you will put out good vibes for Hunter or whatever it is you do. Dance in the woods. I don't know what you'll do, but put out something good for Hunter. And will you keep us, Ray? Will you keep us? Let us know how things are going.

[Ray]

I would love To. Yes.

[Hannah]

Thank you so much.

[Josh]

Tell Hunter he can call anytime, too, okay?

[Hannah]

Absolutely.

[Ray]

I would love to.

[Josh]

Is that cool?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Thank you, Blessing, sister. Man. We are absolutely rooting for you. We are rooting for Hunter.

[Hannah]

Yeah, I believe it.

[Josh]

We wish you guys the absolute best. We'll be right back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Christmas time is here. There's parties, buying things, being sad that no one bought you anything. Travel, all of it. All of it.

[Josh]

All of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's so much going on that we can forget to set aside time for what's truly important. And the good news is that Hallow is here to help you keep your spiritual priorities, the things that matter, in order. Hallow is the world's number one prayer and meditation app. I use it every day. And I'm being serious. I love it. Right now is their Advent Pray 25 challenge called for God so love the world. Plus, they've got book studies led by Bear Grylls and Jonathan Roumie and prayer guides and a Bible study on the Book of Ephesians. Christmas music, kids Advent programming. And if that's not enough, you can now join Hallow's 12 Days of Christmas music right now. Listen. This season can be an amazing time to encounter God's love and find the true joy of Christmas. And Hallow wants to help you experience that. So they're offering three months free right now when you sign [e-mail] Deloney you can enjoy this fantastic prayer challenge completely free right [e-mail] DeLoney all right, let's.

[Josh]

Go out to Des Moines and talk to Hannah. What's up? Hannah from Des Moines? How are we doing?

[Kelly]

Hey, John. I'm doing really good. I'm super excited to talk to you this morning.

[Josh]

What's going on?

[Kelly]

Yeah, so I just have a question. My question is, how do I move past the distress of knowing that my mom watches pornography?

[Josh]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

What? How old are you?

[Kelly]

I'm 21.

[Josh]

How old's your mom?

[Kelly]

She is 47. 48.

[Josh]

Yeah. Okay, so she's young.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

All right.

[Kelly]

No, I'm so sorry. She's like, I'm thinking of someone else. Sorry. She is in her 50s. She is in her mid-50s. Sorry about that. Yeah.

[Josh]

So how did you. Yeah, how did you find out? She just, like, chilling at the dinner table, being like, yo, you gotta check out pornhub. It's so great. How'd you find out?

[Kelly]

So a few years ago when I was in high school, my brother was being curious and was on her phone and, you know, kids are snoopy. So he was on her phone looking at her tabs, and he. He saw pornhub on there, and.

[Josh]

Oh, no kidding?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Hannah]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And he was like, oh, my gosh. And he looked at me, and he goes, mom is watching pornography. And I was like, oh, my gosh. Okay. And so my sister, if you watch.

[Josh]

This, I'm laughing right now. I'm not laughing that adult women watch pornography. I'm just laughing at two kids sitting around finding mom's phone and just being like, dude, mom watches porn. Like, that just seems like out of. You know what I mean? That's like, Yeah, I don't hear that very often. Even, like, fighting dads. Like, ooh, dad looks important. Like, ew. Most people don't have a psychology for. Oh, dude, Mom. Oh, oh, oh. Mom doesn't even clear her history on her own phone. Like, oh, no.

[Kelly]

Right, Right. Yeah, it's. It was pretty. Pretty weird. And so, like, I would ask my sister over the course of a few months because it bothered me so bad, I could not stop thinking about it. I. Whenever I was around her, that's all I could think about. And I would ask, over the course of a couple years, I told nobody because it just felt really taboo and very embarrassing on her part, too, and on my family's side. So, like, I would ask her sister, I'd be like, hey, like, does this, like, bother you in any way? And she goes, I try not to think about it. I'm like, it bothers me really bad. And so my June. No. Going into my summer of my junior year of college, I told my dad. I was like, I have to tell my dad. I can't. Like, he needs.

[Josh]

Are they still married?

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yep, they're still married.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Kelly]

So I had to tell my dad. And I was like, dad, I just. I sat down with him. It was just me and him in the living room. I said, mom is watching pornography. And we found it, like, a year or two ago on her phone. And he was like, oh. And he got very defensive, and. And he said, oh, well, you know, you have your own problems. Have you ever watched it? And in high school, I struggled with it, like, pretty bad. I don't anymore. It's been years. So I was like, well, yeah, in high school, I did. And he goes, well, you have nothing. Like, don't worry about it. Like, you have your own problems, too. And it was weird because that was, like, from my past, and it.

[Josh]

That was a lame move. That was a lame. Yeah, so. By the way, like, so I'm laughing here I'm not anymore, but I was laughing earlier. There's another layer to this, which is. This is something you personally struggled with also as a kid. And when you're a kid struggling pornography, you had that extra layer of feeling dirty and shameful. Right, right. Like, can you just bathe in secrets? And, like. And especially if you're a young woman, I hear this a lot like you. If you're a young woman, it's supposed to be something that boys wrestle with.

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh]

And then there's an extra layer of, oh, something's wrong with me.

[Nate]

Right.

[Josh]

And so you've wrestled with this, and then to find on your mom's phone as a trip and then have your dad throw your childhood back in your face is gross, dude. I'm sorry.

[Kelly]

Yeah, yeah. That's. My dad is a whole another.

[Josh]

I imagine so. I imagine so. So. So bring me to right now. So you went to a safe person. The safe person blew it back at you.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Well, can I talk about one more thing before. Go for it, because it's actually really important. So I did actually talk to my mom about it.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

We did have a conversation. I told her, I said, mom, I know that you were watching pornography. And at the time, I had done research on pornography and the effects of it and how bad it is. And she was like, oh, I'm very sorry. There's always that one thing that you go back to. And then after that, we just hadn't really talked about it. And, like, right now I feel like I just.

[Josh]

How long. How long ago was that?

[Kelly]

That was probably maybe a little over a year. Almost two years now.

[Josh]

Do you still live at home?

[Kelly]

No, I am married. I live with my husband.

[Josh]

So let's move mom to the side for a second. Why is this still, like. Why is this rooted itself in your soul so bad?

[Kelly]

I think it's because sometimes when me and my husband are intimate, like, my body is reacting to him, and then I'll get this intrusive thought of my mom and, like, disturbing images, and at the same time, my body's reacting to my husband. Yeah, I'm also. It's just. It's. I hate it. And I. Sometimes when I'm, like, just in my daily life, that's all I think about sometimes. And it can go on for hours, and it makes me feel very disturbed.

[Nate]

Yeah.

[Josh]

Do you ruminate over other things, too?

[Kelly]

I actually do have ocd.

[Josh]

I was going to say. Yeah. Yeah. So here's what that tells me. Like, so you've painted a pretty, pretty Good picture of the house you grew up in, the fact that a dad would ever. You know what? I'm not going to talk about him. Your body's been on alert since you were a little girl.

[Kelly]

Fair.

[Josh]

Fair.

[Kelly]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

[Josh]

Okay.

[Kelly]

That is very fair.

[Josh]

So. Especially when OCD manifests itself outside of physical behaviors and it's into looping thoughts, you can. You. You. You feel like you're losing control of your mind. Like it makes you feel insane, right?

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah.

[Josh]

Like I'm having great sex with my new husband and I just pictured my mother. Right. You feel nuts, right?

[Kelly]

Yeah, definitely.

[Josh]

Okay, listen to me. You're not crazy.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

I want you to let that, like, I'll say it even more direct. There is nothing wrong with you.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

You're not somehow, like some sort of twisted. There's nothing your body's trying to keep you safe? Do you have any sort of abuse? Did you experience abuse growing up at all?

[Kelly]

So the funny thing about this is I didn't know that I was abused until I started talking to my husband about it because he grew up in a very healthy household. I mean, every household has their issues. We've talked about stuff with his family that we don't agree with, but, yeah, there was my dad. Everyone. Everyone throws around the term narcissist like it's candy nowadays, but my dad is actually the textbook definition of a narcissist. If, like.

[Josh]

Tell me about your. Tell me about. Tell me about what happened.

[Kelly]

Yeah, so growing up, he would. He was very short tempered. He has his own. The reason why he's like this because.

[Josh]

Hannah, Hannah, tell me what. Tell me what happened.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So hold on.

[Josh]

Take a deep breath. Deep, deep, deep breath.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

Your chest is tightening up on you. I can feel it through the phone.

[Kelly]

Yeah, you're right.

[Josh]

Exhale.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

If you don't want to talk about it, that's okay. You don't have to.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I think I'm okay to talk about it.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

Let me. Let me say this. If you tell me something that I have to report, I'm going to report it.

[Kelly]

Okay?

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

And my team here will call the police if it needs to be called on your dad.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You hear what I'm saying?

[Kelly]

Yes, I do.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Yeah. I think there was a lot of. It was just verbal, you know, like, oh, you're. You're terrible, awful children. And then when you hear that, you know, it kind of. I've done a lot of healing through it. I guess I don't necessarily feel comfortable Going into, like.

[Josh]

Okay, that's good.

[Kelly]

A lot of detail, but I didn't recognize. Yeah.

[Josh]

Here's what I want you to. I want you to. I want you to put your. Your hand. I want you to take an open hand. I don't want you to put it right on the top of your chest, right below your neck.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

And press there pretty hard. And then I want you to relax your arm.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[Josh]

For some. Some reason, a vulnerability, being naked, being seen, your body has put a GPS pin in that. That. That is not safe. That letting you. Your husband, and you, like you, letting you be fully seen and experienced is not safe.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And it will try to shut your body down. It will try to shut everything down. And if it can't shut your body down, it will shut your mind down. It will spin it up like a. Like a. Like a. Like a fishing reel that someone takes their thumb off of and just turns into a big bird's nest.

[Nate]

Right?

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Josh]

It's just your body trying to keep you safe because it's been to hell. It lived there for a long time.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And the guardian of your hellscape was named dad.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

And by the way, damn it, Mama's supposed to protect you, and she didn't.

[Kelly]

Right?

[Nate]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Josh]

Exhale in that. Okay. So intrusive thoughts, like lightning bolts. My goodness, they're the worst.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. With ocd. I actually, in that area of my life, I didn't know what OCD was. YouTube helped me figure it out because I had. They call it pure O. And it's. It's. It's terrible. It's all in your head. It's all obsessive. It's more.

[Josh]

Have you been to see a doctor?

[Kelly]

I was visiting with a therapist during my college years, but she wasn't really qualified to talk about ocd, if that makes sense. She didn't really help me much. Okay.

[Josh]

So I want you to listen to me super careful. Here's why I know so much about it. It's exactly what I have, diagnostically and everything.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

I have little ticks, like, counting locks and checking my doors at night a bunch of times and stuff like that that are just. Whatever.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But the main thing that haunted me for years was the looping thoughts that I couldn't get to stop.

[Kelly]

Right. Yeah.

[Josh]

And they would show up at insane times.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

You aren't crazy, but you gotta go sit with a medical professional, and here's what they will probably do for you. If you've listened to the show for any Time. You know, I want to solve these problems initially. I want to solve them with exercise and with diet and with relationships. That's. That's my bent on everything. And for me, I let them run for so long that my alarm systems were just. Just bonkers. And I got a low level SSRI that turned the alarms way down. The looping thoughts still happened, but they were way, way quieter. And what they allowed me to do was to sit with a counselor, sit with a couple of close mentors that I trusted, and begin to challenge the thoughts. And I got stronger and stronger and stronger. And right now, for years, Hannah, I can tell you I'm good. I cannot describe to you the peace on the other side of what you experience.

[Kelly]

Right. Yeah.

[Josh]

Do you believe me?

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah, definitely. And the reason for that is because I still go through bouts of OCD here and there. It doesn't always go away. But in high school, actually my senior year was the worst. It was. I went completely numb. My body just shut down because of how distressing the thoughts were.

[Josh]

Yes. But listen to me.

[Kelly]

Know what it was.

[Josh]

Listen. They'll circle back.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

I want you to consider for the first time, choosing healing and over choosing survival. Because it sounds like you're married to a safe guy, good guy.

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah. He's very, very safe.

[Josh]

Okay, so you're. You've unanchored from the nonsense at home. Let your mom watch what your mom's going to watch. She's 55 years old. She can make whatever choices she wants to, however destructive they are. You don't have to participate in that. Or let me say it another way, you can't impact her behavior one iota. So every second you. You spend thinking about it, ruminating on it, challenging it, wondering what you can do is a chance, is a choice to be miserable in the present.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Josh]

And people who have ocd, who have anxiety disorders, get mad at me when I say that because it makes it sound like they're making a choice. And in a weird way, we all are.

[Kelly]

Right? Yeah.

[Josh]

And the choice I want to present to you is choose about a year and a half of hard work.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Josh]

You have to teach your body that you weren't okay. And now you are safe.

[Kelly]

Right. And I think too, like, if. Because I have been thinking about therapy for a long time, I would really want to dive in with a therapist too, about my family life. I have never talked to a therapist, really in depth about how I grew up and stuff like that.

[Josh]

Will you make the call today?

[Kelly]

Yeah, I. I think I will.

[Josh]

I'm not going to force you. But listen, I hear it on you, and I hear myself in your voice, and I cannot tell you how light and free it is on the other side.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Josh]

And it sounds insane to you because all your body can think is, how do I stay safe?

[Kelly]

Right?

[Josh]

And I want to tell you, man, going from playing defense your whole life to suddenly playing offense is such a major gift. It's amazing. And you'll find it financially. You'll find it relationally. You'll find it in your marriage. You'll find it when you start having kids. You'll find it everywhere. And by the way, when you have your first kid, you're gonna have different alarms ringing.

[Kelly]

Yeah, I can't imagine.

[Josh]

And the first time you find something weird on your husband's phone, your alarms are gonna take off on you. You know what saying. And so what a therapist is going to give you what. What a physician's going to give you. And by the way, I was. I was medicated for a season, okay. So that I could go to the work. I haven't taken anxiety meds in years and years and years and years and years.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

And if. Even if I had to, that's not a bad thing, right?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

But they did turn the alarms down so that I could go do the necessary work. And, Hannah, it sucked.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Josh]

You know what I mean?

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah. I've never been on medication before. When I was young, I went to the hospital for having an anxiety attack, and then they just gave me, like, these pills, and then I never. My mom wouldn't let me take them, so. Good.

[Josh]

So, listen, I want you to look in the mirror and say to yourself out loud, hannah's worth being well.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Nate]

Okay.

[Josh]

And well for you is going to feel like you're free finally. And you're going to have to find some distance between your mom and your dad. And that sounds scary right now. Even though your body knows they're not safe. It's just going to take a process. I just want you to trust, trust. Trust the process. So make a call today. You're worth that. Your husband's worth that. Quite frankly, your future kids are worth that. You're just overall joy and peace.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You haven't had peace in your whole.

[Josh]

Life, so you don't even know what it feels like. There's just something magic about drinking coffee because you want to, not because you have to. Something magic about just falling asleep in your own bed just because you're tired. There's something amazing about checking the locks the third and the fourth time and then just be like, I'm going to bed. I just. It's hard to even wrap your head around or not having an intrusive thought for years and years and years and years and years and years. Healing is possible. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a non anxious life for you. I'm going to send you two of them, one for you and one for your husband. I want you all to read them together, okay? I want you to both read them and I want you to use it as a roadmap for your family, this new family you're building. Because you don't have a map right now. All you have is what you've experienced growing up. You're still really young. I want you all to use this as a map. The choices that you can make to begin to build a non anxious, a non spun up a peaceful life. Okay? Hang on the line, sister. We got you. Call anytime. But here's my call to you and everyone else struggling right now. Make. Make the call. Make the call. Call it professional. Thank you, Hannah. We'll be right back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. All right, it's that time of year when it's getting colder, it's getting dark earlier, and sometimes we just want to stay inside and get cozy. For me, my perfect night at home when it's. When it's cold outside is something my family calls the bed pile. My whole family gets under some blankets. We get around a fire and we either read some books out loud or we just watch a movie together.

[Josh]

I love it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whatever your perfect night looks like, therapy can feel a little bit like that. A time when you can settle in, replenish your energy and take care of yourself. Therapy is a great way to bring yourself some comfort during the chaos and rush of the holiday season or any other time of year. Taking the time to pause and be mindful is one big reason why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy with licensed therapists. You can talk with your therapist just about anywhere so it's convenient for your schedule. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Find comfort this December with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, we're back.

[Josh]

So for people who like so many People consume this show, like, in clips, right? They watch just a clip of a call, and it gets spun up and the algorithms. But for people who are with us, the whole show. A couple of things I want to clear up for today's show. One, Kelly, you're super sleuthing. You like. Rarely do I leave here being like, well, Kelly pulled her way today, but you found that you. You found a connection with Mama Bear Wills, Right. And you hooked up that caller, the second caller, with a free will.

[Taylor]

Yes, we are giving Ray a. A free will.

[Josh]

Amazing.

[Taylor]

Yes.

[Josh]

The call on that.

[Taylor]

Such a huge thing that she needs to do, because it'll still. Even if, you know, he doesn't have anything, it'll still go through probate. It'll still be. There's a lot of things. Yeah, we're gonna hook her up there.

[Josh]

And often, again, I wanna remind people, when it comes to getting. Making a will, number one, everyone should have them. Even if you think you have nothing, have one. The second thing is it's often not the spouse. It's often not the kids. It's somebody else's cousin. It's somebody's mom's brother's sister that you. Somebody passes away, and it triggers something, and it just becomes a nightmare. And if you have a will, you're not having to go to court to keep your husband's painting of you, right. Or to keep your wife's ukulele that you bought her. Like, it's just a strange thing that people will fight over when people have passed away. They just. It changes people. So just have a will. And here's the second thing. I think it's important to call out, like, that last call, like, my mom's looking at pornography. That was a funny, like, good gosh, dude. You imagine looking at your phone and be like, oh, my gosh. And I fell into it. So I just want to call this out. I fell right into it, which is. I started laughing, making jokes. Well, it turns out I'm struggling mom's pornography because of my own abuse and my own challenges. And so that's just a reminder to myself to always be gracious and humble people, especially when you, like, see them on the show or you see them out in public. You're doing what? Like, man, there's also often a story underneath the story, underneath the story. So, man, that last caller, she was very, very, very brave, and I'm proud of her and hope she gets the. The help and care that she needs. And good reminder to me, don't make my. My default setting. Laughing. I don't know. Sometimes it's good.

[Taylor]

I'm gonna remember that.

[Josh]

That doesn't count with you.

[Kelly]

Dang it.

[Josh]

Ben. Yes. Taylor. Yes. Nate. Dog. Eh, maybe. Kelly? No chance. And by the way, somebody reached out on Instagram. It's like, oh, my gosh, I heard Kelly's leaving. If I find out via Instagram that you quit the show.

[Nate]

We wish.

[Taylor]

Where would I go?

[Josh]

I know. Where'd you go? You're at the helm of a C level podcaster.

[Taylor]

I know. How? I mean, there is no up from here. This is it.

[Josh]

There's a lot of up. America. Love you guys. Bye.