I’m Married, but It Doesn’t Feel Like It

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: I’m Married, but It Doesn’t Feel Like It
Date: April 24, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode dives deep into callers’ real-life struggles with marriage, intimacy, boundaries, familial roles, addiction, and staying informed in the modern world. Dr. John Delony offers candid, direct advice, helping listeners untangle complex emotional, relational, and practical dilemmas. The episode is caller-driven, focused on three main calls:

1. Joshua, a stay-at-home dad suffering from a lack of intimacy and respect in his marriage.
2. James, questioning whether he should follow the news.
3. Lindsay, wrestling with her ex-husband’s addiction and its impact on her family.
   A bonus segment features a listener email about family vacation responsibilities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller: Joshua – Intimacy & Respect in Marriage

[00:05 – 18:14]

Situation Overview

• Joshua and his wife have been together for seven years, married for four.
• They mutually agreed that she would be the sole breadwinner, and he would be the primary parent and homemaker.
• Since the birth of their son, intimacy (sexual and emotional) has evaporated.
• Joshua has tried books, dates, therapy (solo and couples), and taken initiative in household responsibilities, but nothing has improved.
• His wife is resistant to discussing intimacy and disengages from conversations about their relationship.

Key Insights & Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Behavior is Communication: Dr. Delony argues that Joshua is "grasping for scraps"—his wife has constructed her own world where Joshua is an employee, not a co-creator or respected partner.
  • “She’s not working so hard for you, for y’all. She’s working so hard for her to maintain this world that she has created alone. And marriages only work if they’re co-created.” (05:04)
• Redefining ‘Above and Beyond’: Providing financially is the baseline, not going "above and beyond." True partnership is about mutually striving to out-serve and celebrate each other.
  • “When you are the sole breadwinner, putting bread on the table is the bottom rung. Going above and beyond is saying, I’m exhausted and I’m still going to love you anyway.” (07:14, Dr. Delony)
• Fidelity Beyond Physicality: Emotional withdrawal and disinterest can constitute a breach of marital fidelity, even without affairs.
• Agency & Choices: Dr. Delony challenges Joshua: Are you going to accept this arrangement forever or do you want more? If so, what actionable steps will you take?
• Pathways Forward:
  • Grieve what won’t happen if he chooses to stay unchanged.
  • Seek new employment or personal growth to bolster self-respect.
  • Encourage direct, vulnerable conversations, asking: “What is it about me that you don’t like?” and sharing how her actions make him feel.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “She doesn’t respect you.” (06:13, Dr. Delony)
• “What do you want, man?” (13:52, Dr. Delony)
• “I just want to be able to be intimate with my wife on a semi-regular basis.” (13:56, Joshua)
• “What’s beneath that?” (14:05, Dr. Delony)
• “Feeling cared for in a way that’s tangible… I want to feel like, hey, you actually like to be with me.” (14:22, Joshua)
• Dr. Delony gives Joshua a step-by-step conversation framework:
  1. “The story I’m making up is…”
  2. “Here’s how that makes me feel…”
  3. “Here’s what I would love to be different.”

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2. Caller: James – News Consumption & Media Literacy

[20:36 – 34:01]

Situation Overview

• James is considering whether unplugging from all news media makes him uninformed.
• He wonders if he should stay more current for personal and parental reasons.

Key Insights & Dr. Delony’s Approach

• News Media vs. Information: News is not structured to inform, but to maximize profit and engagement via outrage and anxiety.
  • “The news media is not how you stay informed… their job is not to give you information that helps you in your day. It’s to get clicks.” (21:02–21:18)
• Practical News Habits: Dr. Delony curates his information consumption—he reads from trusted, paid sources rather than doom-scrolling free content, and encourages having ‘skin in the game.’
• Parenting Angle: As a parent, sometimes getting “sips” of media helps address what his child encounters at school, leading to constructive conversations and teaching critical thinking.
• Scaffolding for Kids: Rather than shutting down wild stories, Dr. Delony uses curiosity and questions to help his son assess the truth, fostering independent judgment.
  • “It’s called scaffolding… I want to be with him as he processes this information.” (28:23, Dr. Delony)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I control what happens in my house, not what happens in the White House.” (James referencing Dr. Delony’s earlier advice, 24:23)
• “Letting your daughter hear the words ‘I don’t know, I need to go get more information about that’… that is gold.” (30:22, Dr. Delony)
• “Does that make sense? 100.” (34:01, James, affirming Dr. Delony’s advice)

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3. Caller: Lindsay – Addiction, Boundaries, and Self-Compassion

[36:29 – 43:44]

Situation Overview

• Lindsay divorced her husband two years ago due to his prescription pill addiction.
• After apparent improvement and for the sake of their seven-year-old son, they reconciled.
• She discovers he is still abusing pills and struggles whether to end things again.

Key Insights & Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Cycle of Addiction: Relapse is common; lies and secrecy are part of addiction’s hold.
• Boundaries as Love: Lindsay must reinforce boundaries for herself and her son's safety, regardless of hope for change or fear of heartbreak.
• Self-Compassion: Dr. Delony urges Lindsay not to blame herself for wanting to believe in her ex, and for trying to reunite her family.
  • “You wanting this to be true doesn’t make you a bad person.” (40:16)
• Communicating with Children: Speak compassionately about the addicted parent to the child (“Dad’s still sick”), don’t transmit blame or shame.
• Honoring the Attempt: Dr. Delony praises Lindsay’s sobriety, her effort at reconciliation, and her courage for confronting the truth again.
  • “I am, for staying sober and clean through all this mess.” (42:17, Dr. Delony)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “He’s unsafe to be around your son.” (38:43, Dr. Delony)
• “The way to love your son is to see him rooting for his dad—it doesn’t mean y’all have to get back together.” (42:08)

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4. Listener Email: Am I the Problem? Family Vacation Planning

[45:20 – 50:47]

Situation Overview

• Candice, married mom of three, is frustrated she always has to plan family vacations. Her husband missed the chance to plan one after she asked him to, expressing her emotional need for shared responsibility.

Key Insights & Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Blame vs. Reflection: Instead of digging in heels or giving up, start with self-reflection—has the husband’s planning been discouraged before? Does he prefer different ways of family bonding?
• Aligning Expectations: Have an open conversation where both partners share their definitions of “vacation” and what they want out of it, then plan together.
  • “Let this conflict be a point of connection for both of you. Let it finally get to the thing beneath the thing.” (50:47)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• “Neither of those are a good option… In these kind of moments, I always want to start with the mirror.” (46:29, Dr. Delony)
• “My wife and I were talking recently… the hardest part about being a parent and spouse is feeling both things at the same time.” (50:46, Dr. Delony, about holding contradictory feelings)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

| Time | Segment / Topic | |--------------|----------------------------------------| | 00:05-18:14 | Joshua: Marriage, intimacy, self-worth | | 20:36-34:01 | James: News, media, parenting | | 36:29-43:44 | Lindsay: Addiction, boundaries | | 45:20-50:47 | Email: Family vacation planning |

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Notable Quotes (with Speaker & Timestamp)

• “She doesn't respect you.” — Dr. John Delony [06:13]
• “What do you want, man?” — Dr. John Delony [13:52]
• “Feeling cared for in a way that’s tangible… I want to feel like, hey, you actually like to be with me.” — Joshua [14:22]
• “The news media is not how you stay informed… their job is not to give you information that helps you in your day. It’s to get clicks.” — Dr. John Delony [21:02–21:18]
• “Letting your daughter hear the words ‘I don’t know, I need to go get more information about that’… that is gold.” — Dr. John Delony [30:22]
• “He’s unsafe to be around your son.” — Dr. John Delony [38:43]
• “Let this conflict be a point of connection for both of you.” — Dr. John Delony [50:47]

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Overall Tone & Language

Dr. Delony balances warmth, candor, and directness. He challenges callers to face sometimes hard truths while equipping them with practical frameworks for vulnerable and honest conversations. The show’s tone is empathetic, real, and solution-oriented, speaking to the everyday struggles of modern relationships and mental health.

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For Listeners

Whether you’re struggling with marriage, family roles, boundaries, addiction, or even how to stay informed in the modern world, this episode will give you both validation and actionable steps. Dr. Delony encourages deep personal reflection and direct, caring communication as keys to real change.

Transcript

[Joshua]

We have been together for seven years, married before she decided that she wanted to be the sole provider of the family and delegate the job of parenting to me and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what do you mean about you're the sole parent? What up, what up, what up? This is Jon the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville. Real people with real problems pulling up a seat and figuring out what's the next right move in your marriage, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life, your kids, everything, politics, the all. All of it. Give me a buzz if you want to be on the show. Actually, don't give me a buzz, because this is the 21st century, as some of the guys on the team say. Click the link in the show notes, whatever that means. Let's go out to Birmingham, Alabama, and talk to Joshua. Hey, Joshua. What's up?

[Joshua]

How you doing, man?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing great, brother. How are you?

[Joshua]

I'm all right. I think I'm just gonna go right into my question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let it rip.

[Lindsay]

All right.

[Joshua]

So me and my wife, we have been together for seven years, married for four, and in that, she decided that she wanted to be the sole provider of the family and delegate the job of parenting to me and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait, What?

[Joshua]

Together?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait, what? Yeah, yeah, like the. The sole breadwinner, the sole earner. I don't have a. That's fine. Couples decide that all the time.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you mean about you're the sole parent?

[Joshua]

So I may say that a little wrong. So whenever it comes to our children or our child, I am the one who is a stay at home parent, and I'm the one who does all the things with our child, which means appointments, anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

Cook, cleaning, everything like that. She said, hey, you. You. You can fill that role. And I said, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Hold on.

[Joshua]

Sounds great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you want to be doing this? Because you've said a couple of times she told you she decided, and did y' all agree on this together?

[Joshua]

Yes. Sorry, sorry. Okay. I wasn't clear. So we did agree to this. And I didn't have a really good father in my life, so I wanted to make sure that I was there for my son. And when my wife was like, hey, I'll be the sole breadwinner, I was like, yeah, I'll fall into that role, no problem. And I love to do it. It's one of the greatest things I've ever done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

But with that being said, since we've had our son, our intimacy is essentially went to nothing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

And in that when you say intimacy,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

y' all aren't having sex anymore?

[Joshua]

No, no, not at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, what about.

[Joshua]

I mean, I would say probably once every. Once every three, four months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, okay. Okay. So also, I like to back out. Intimacy is bigger than just sex.

[Joshua]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, it's. It includes laughter, it includes eye contact. It includes hand holding. It includes having fun together. Is all that gone too?

[Joshua]

Yes, pretty much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

And I've watched the show, and I've done a couple different things to. That I've, you know, try to implement. I got come as you are. I purchased two copies, one for me, one for her. I encourage her to read it. She got through maybe a chapter and then completely put it down. I have the example of going to therapy. We've done couples therapy. She quit that. Anytime she's done her own therapy, she's quit that as well. And I'm at a spot where I've done all the things she's asked me to do. For instance, more dates, make sure the house is clean, make sure, you know, taking care of all the domestic things. Even once I've done that, nothing has improved. And then whenever I bring it up, she says, oh, well, we're on this again. So I'm sort of at a loss of what to do because I feel like I've communicated pretty clearly, but it just doesn't seem like it's very receptive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, she doesn't care.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you disagree with that

[Joshua]

slightly in the sense of. I know that I. I know that she cares overall. I know she cares about me. She wouldn't work as hard as she does. I know she cares about our family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Disagree, disagree, disagree. Disagree.

[Joshua]

Go ahead, go ahead. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, I love this call because it flips the. The, The. The. The gender norms of this question that usually I get called with so more. It makes it much easier to talk about. Right. So right. You are. You are grasping for scraps of emotional connection and physical connection with a person who, if behavior is a language, is very clear. My job, my earning, my world is mine. Here's the role you can play in my world. And anytime you poke your head up above the wheat to say, can I have a vote? In this world you're met with. Oh, that again. Why don't you just. You never. Why? How come you don't? And so she's not working so hard for you, for y'. All. She's working so hard for her to maintain this world that she has created alone. And marriages only work if they're co. Created.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, What I'm saying. And, and the hard part for you, I think, is metabolizing how bad this really is.

[Joshua]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She doesn't. She doesn't respect you.

[Joshua]

Yeah. And that's kind of. That's. That's kind of where what I've been feeling in the. In the sense of she goes. She goes above and beyond on her part. I go above and beyond on my part.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is above and beyond on her part?

[Joshua]

Above and beyond on her part would be that

[Lindsay]

she.

[Joshua]

She makes sure everything in the house stays on. She makes sure the car insurance is done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's not above and beyond. That is the bar. That's. That. That's the. That's the. That's the low thing. Above and beyond is I'm so tired. But everything in my life is in service to my spouse, and I'm gonna hope to God that everything in their life is in service to me. And we're gonna constantly be trying to out serve each other only to find out we just got out served. She's not going above and beyond.

[Joshua]

Never thought of it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you are the sole breadwinner, putting bread on the table is the bottom rung.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Going above and beyond is saying, I'm exhausted and I'm still going to love you anyway. I. I have more of a responsive desire instead of a spontaneous desire.

[Joshua]

But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I know that I like having sex with you. I know when we get done having sex, I'm glad we did that. So even though I'm not feeling it, I'm going to. I'm going to get that ball rolling because I know I'm going to get there.

[Joshua]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is constantly trying to see and know. And this is important. Celebrate you not just with patting you on the head or paying for a nice dinner out, but celebrating you in ways that you feel celebrated.

[Joshua]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

None of that's happening, homie.

[Joshua]

No. No. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if. If I'm being honest, this is going to sound pretty bold. It's an. She's not being a partner of fidelity.

[Joshua]

Right. And. And, and, and that's something that I've mentioned because I. I usually mentioned to her. You know, whenever we took our vows, we made, you know, we made certain promises to one another, and I'm like, hey, I don't. I don't feel like this is being fully fulfilled on one side. On. On my side, I definitely feel like I am. But the other side, on her side, I'm like, we're falling short. And her response is typically just, I don't know. I Don't know what you want me to tell you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so here's the deal. This is, this is, this is hard. I'm about to tell you. The only person on planet Earth you can control is you.

[Joshua]

Yeah, that's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so my question for you is. And this is a question I ask all couples in this kind of situation.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a chance you're going to leave

[Joshua]

personally? No, probably not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a chance you're going to leave?

[Joshua]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or have you made peace that this is going to be your life?

[Joshua]

Yes. Yes. Simply because I have a. I want to do, I want to stay here. Because one, even though we have this problem, I do still love her. But also I have a duty to my son to make sure that he grows up in a stable household. And I know most people's reaction is, well, given the circumstance you're in, that's not a stable household because of the circumstances. But I do feel a little bit

[Dr. John DeLoney]

different in that the greatest gift you can give your, your child, and this is beared out in the data, the greatest gift you can give your child is a good or great marriage. Not time, not more stuff.

[Joshua]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the greatest gift.

[Joshua]

Right. Agreed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the question, and I'm not trying to, I'm not trying to get you to, to leave or to not leave. Here's what I want you to land on, okay. If this arrangement, if being with somebody who is having an affair on you with work with their world, who's not building a secret intimate world with you, but who is built their own world and you get to be an employee in that world, if that's the world you're okay with or you've made pe, you don't have to be okay with it. That's the world you are choosing to live in till death do you part, then what I want you to do is to grieve like bloody hell what isn't going to happen and make peace. Because choosing to wake up every day and try again and do new things and do. It's making you miserable. It's making her miserable. And your kid is growing up in that tension.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you believe that you're worth more than this, then I want you to begin asking what steps do you need to take so that you begin to respect you. Because I think underneath all this, you've lost respect in yourself too. So back out of the stay at home dad situation.

[James]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a job or a career you'd be interested in pursuing?

[Joshua]

Well, I. Well, that's the other part is I also have a career of my own. I just don't work normal hours. I typically work night.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you do?

[Joshua]

Security.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you want to be a professional security guy forever?

[Joshua]

Yeah, yeah, I actually quite enjoy it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you want to have that as a job? Like, I mean, do you want, you want that to be your career?

[Joshua]

Yes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to explore that more fully than just doing it on the side.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that might mean child care, that might mean your kid going to school, that might mean you altering the arrangement, but I want you to begin to do things that make you feel alive in your own skin.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you all share a single checking account or does she give you an allowance?

[Joshua]

No, no, we, we. Everything's joint.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you all have regular meetings about calendar and about budgets and about how we're doing life together?

[Joshua]

Yes, that we do. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It just comes to emotional and physical intimacy, she's like, just shut your mouth. I don't want to talk about it.

[Joshua]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that, that, that really is it,

[Lindsay]

Man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I gotta tell you, brother, that's it. It almost never is just that.

[Joshua]

Right. Well, and, and, and the thing is, is that when you say that in, in my mind, I quite literally cannot think of any other aspect of our relationship that we do have any sort of problem.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it's because you're. You're too busy taking care of everything.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're too busy burying yourself to try to live up to this arrangement.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are there. Let me ask you, Let me put it a different way. All of this question, all of your line of questioning has had one central premise. There's something that you're not doing, right?

[Joshua]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is the tale of a man who's been beaten down.

[Joshua]

Beaten down. Trying to do the right thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, you're conflating what you're told with the right thing.

[Joshua]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you. Let me, let me put another way. What do you want, man?

[Joshua]

I mean, to be completely frank, I just want to be able to be intimate with my wife on a semi regular basis. That's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's beneath that? Yes, everybody, people want sex. I get that. You're not crazy. What's beneath that?

[Joshua]

Connection. Connection.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Put it be more specific, like be more vulnerable. Let me put that way. What does that mean?

[Joshua]

No, what that means is feeling cared for. Feeling cared for in a way that's tangible and not just a, hey, all this stuff is taken care of. I want to feel like, hey, you actually like to Be with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go.

[Joshua]

There you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want my wife to like me. What's so bad about me? That you don't like me. That you don't want to be with me.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That you don't value me beyond what I fold and what I wash and what I moped. Have you asked that question? What is it about me that you don't like?

[Joshua]

I. I don't think I've ever asked that directly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's the. That's the level of vulnerability I want you to be at. There's a framework. I'll give it to you.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the frame. Okay. I need to have a hard conversation. Give her a heads up, and it sounds like according to you, she's all in. She. She's great about that. Sure. Let's talk.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I need you to stay present and not dismiss this conversation. Got it. You think she'll do that?

[Joshua]

I think so. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The story I'm choosing to make up is you don't like me. There's something unappealing about me. You don't want me emotionally. You don't want me sexually. You don't like me. And followed by the story you've made up is, here's how that makes me feel. It makes me feel less than alone. Used not a part of this marriage. Followed by, here's what I would love to be different.

[James]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you open your hands and she might say, that's never going to change. I think you're attractive. I think you're great. I just don't want to talk about this anymore. Conversation's over. And then you have to ask yourself, do I have an or what Statement? I need this to change or I'm going to leave. I need this to change or I'm going to stay. And I'm just going to make peace with this. With a sexless marriage. And not only sexless marriage, but a marriage devoid of emotional connection. Of intimacy.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of play, of laughter, of eye contact, of I genuinely just like having fun with you.

[Joshua]

Right, Right. That would be an interesting conversation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, that's the conversation underneath all of the you need to go to marriage counseling or we need to do something different. Or let's try this in the bedroom. Or why don't you wear this? Like, all of those are proxy. For the real question is, why don't you like me?

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or what's so bad about me? Am I bad at sex? Do you not like it? Do. Do you have things in the bedroom you want to try and I'm. I'm boneheaded, and I don't like. You know what I'm saying? Yeah.

[Joshua]

Yeah. 100. Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to be able to look in the mirror, brother, and not be. Not be respectful of the things you do, but be respectful of your standing in your marriage. And right now, you have none, because she won't. She won't allow for it.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's treating you like a great housekeeper.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're worth more than this. And by the way, she is, too, man.

[Joshua]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your kid is. But it starts with you asking in that framework or saying in that framework, here's what's happening. Here's the story as I'm making up, and here's how I feel, and here's what I want to be different.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And give her a chance to respond to all those things.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And hopefully she'll treat your vulnerability with the care and respect and love that it deserves, and she won't just rub your nose in it. And if she does, you got a hard choice to make. I'm gonna live with this, or I'm gonna decide I'm worth more than this. Both of those paths are really, really hard. I would challenge you to choose the path that's going to get you and your child and your marriage where you want it to be down the road. This is a hard one. But, man, it takes a lot of courage to make this call. So I'm grateful for you, brother. Thanks for reaching out. I wish you the best. And if she wants to call, if y' all both want to call back in, I'd love to have you call. Anytime, my man. When we come back, a man asks if it is important to stay connected to current events via all of the news media. It is spring. That means it's fishing and turkey season now. And what does that mean? That means me and my son are going to be out in the woods, and we are going to be using our Montana Knife Company knives all the time. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives rule. They're designed, tested, and built right here in the United States by real hunters, real fishermen and women and real chefs. And when we get back home, we with our spoils of our adventures, me and my wife and my daughter and my son, we are all, as a family, going to use Montana Knife Company kitchen knives to cook and prepare all of the food. Why? Because the knives are the best. They are razor sharp right out of the box. They are tough enough to be used every day. They're just. They're Amazing. But here's what really sells me. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Company and they will take care of everything. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids will fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that work great out in the wilderness, knives that work great on your ranch, or knives that are amazing in your kitchen, go to montanaknifecompany.com and see what's available. Right now, I am telling you, they're worth the money. They're worth the shipping. They're worth it because they're out. Awesome. That's Montana Knife company dot com. Let's go out to Columbia, South Carolina, and talk to James. What's up, James?

[James]

Hey, John. How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you?

[James]

I'm living the dream.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think anytime somebody tells me they're living the dream, that means their life's miserable.

[James]

I didn't say if it was a dream or a nightmare. You know, nightmare is a dream as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, there you go. There you go. What's up?

[Joshua]

Hey.

[James]

So I've been wondering if it's unwise for me to not consume pretty much any news media at all, or do I need to stay better informed?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think those are two different things. The news media is not how you stay informed.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's. It's. I mean, I. I said this on a recent show. News media companies, particularly the traditional news media companies, are all publicly traded.

[James]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what that means is they have one job, and that is to maximize shareholder returns, to make money. Their job is not to give you information that helps you in your day.

[James]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is to. Is to get clicks. Right. And so when you understand that, you realize part of their job is to work with neuroscientists and techno wizards and all like to come up with the most compelling format to keep your attention and eyeballs glued to them.

[Joshua]

That's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And one of the primal ways to keep somebody's attention is letting them know you're about to be killed. And I have the answer. Right? That taps into, like, a very primitive neurocircuitry. And so I would suggest that consuming that sort of media is different than being informed. Yes. I think it's important to know what's going on in the world, and I think it's important to hold that. Like, it takes about three to five minutes to actually get Some information about what's happening in the world that can inform you what you do on a minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day basis. And the rest of it's just talking heads and noise and opinions and this could happen and this should happen and this might happen and all that kind of stuff.

[James]

Yeah, that makes sense for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I, I consume media from two places. One is. And I've talked about them openly. I check in with the Marginal Revolution, Alex Tabrock and Tyler Cowan every day. And they have a. They're. They're economists who are just brilliant and wise. And I don't agree with them 100 of the time, but their take is almost always accurate. It's. It's staggering how accurate it is at times, how staggering how accurate is often. But that's not news media. That is a big picture and a little picture on how the world is operating in real time. The second I subscribe, I have skin in the game. I pay for news, and I'm going to keep that private because it will just send people into a frenzy.

[James]

That's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, but, but all to say is the reason I pay for it. And by the way, I'm a cheapskate, dude. I don't, I don't like paying for anything is. I want to have skin in the game.

[James]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't want to just be a passive guy sitting at a buffet and it's just const. It's just a stream of slop food that I'm just eating without thinking about it. I want to say, no, no, I'm paying for this meal.

[James]

Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense? So tell me what you're struggling with.

[James]

You know, I've just, I've gone through different times in my life where I'll, you know, stayed, you know, not really. Media probably was the wrong word or the wrong term to use. You know, just different podcasts and, you know, different ways of consuming news. And I believe I've heard you say in the past, you know, you can control what happens in your house, but, you know, not what happens in the White House, um, something along those. And I've kind of taken that to heart, you know, and so the past, I don't know, year or probably longer than that, you know, around election cycle, I've, you know, I got the bare minimum, just try to make sure I knew who I wanted to vote for. But for a couple of years now, I've pretty much paid attention to, like, almost nothing to the point where, you know, on job sites or, you know, my daughter in school will come back and I'll, you know, hey, you hear, hear about this or you know, what about this going on? And I haven't even heard about it. And some of it, most of it is stuff I'm like, it almost reaffirms my stance. It's like, you know, just the most, you know, dumb stuff, lack of a better term, just celebrities, this and that and the other. But some of the things do sound pretty important. And so lately it's been on my mind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so, so I, I agree with you. And I, I've had a new wrinkle for, for me personally, it was easy for me to just opt out of the whole thing, period. Right. And to just get news either directly from the source. And again, I've said this before, I'm privileged to know some folks who work at media places in high and high positions who have actual data, actual information, or people on the ground, like military folks, right. Like I can call and get the information I need and then be on about my day. But a new wrinkle, I got a 15 year old, he hears all kinds of wild mad stuff all day long. And so I've have found myself paying more attention to, I, I'll call them sips, right? I'm not drinking the full drink down to the ice cubes, but I do click through every once in a while now because I want to know what he's getting.

[James]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And more importantly, I ask him as part of an ongoing us getting together, us just talking, us driving together, us having breakfast together. Hey, what are some things you've heard about the Iran war? What are some things you're hearing at school about Fill in the blank. And if I don't have a good answer for him other than an opinion, I'll tell him I'm gonna go find out about that and I'm gonna get back to you. And that gives my search a direction. Right. Actually go looking for a thing, a topic, an idea, some truth about something, versus me just consuming whatever they're going to just dump in front of me. But that also shows my son, hey, your concerns matter to me and I'm going to teach you how to be a thoughtful consumer of things. And I'm going to tell him how I got the information, where I got it from, and we're going to talk. So I'm trying to teach him how to be a good consumer of media as well. Or not media information, right?

[James]

Information. Yeah, yeah. So I, I also have a 15 year old and I'm sure your son, like my daughter, will sometimes come in and tell us, you know, here's some stuff from school. And it's something that's just off the wall or something that really isn't important at all. Did your son ever do that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All the time.

[James]

And so what do you do with that? You know, do you just tell them to ignore that or do you also

[Dr. John DeLoney]

look into that kind of stuff? Such a good question. So my tendency is, my, my, my gut reaction, my impulse is to say that's stupid. If I do that, I'm cutting off a really important teaching opportunity. And so if my son comes home and says, dad, did you hear, Fill in the blank. Trump did this, the Iran did this, or China's doing like whatever news of the day filtered through whatever nonsense media through, through to teenagers.

[Joshua]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or actually news media to their parents, to teenagers.

[James]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can cut them off. That's dumb. No way. Which, by the way, none of us can say the words. That's not right. That didn't happen, not anymore. Because who knows what's happening? Right? Yeah, yeah, we're, we're, we're living in a cartoon right now. A scary, scary cartoon. But what I can say is, tell me more about that. What parts of that do you think are true? What parts of that doesn't sound right to you? What parts about that scare you? What, what part about that do you want to know more information about? And so what I want him to do is to hear a big scary thing or a wild thing. And I want to give him some steps. It's called scaffolding. That's the nerd Vygotsky word. I want to be with him as he processes this information. And it's stunning how often I'm about to say that's stupid. And then when I ask him deeper questions, he lands on, yeah, that didn't make any sense. But I want him, I want to be with him as he's coming to those conclusions. And I also want to honor the fact he may have a different quote, unquote opinion on something than I do.

[Joshua]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This sounds like a good idea. And I can say I think that sounds like a terrible idea. But I can honor the fact that I get from your 15 year old seat where you think that's a great idea and he can say, I get where you were your old man's seat. You think that's a bad idea. And I wanted to teach him. Ain't going to lose me. You're not going to lose our Relationship over difference of opinion. And opinions are not the final answer. Truth is. And so it's always be about looking for truth. But I, I never want to. The more I say that's stupid, no way, that's dumb. Only idiots think that. That's a liberal thing, that's a conservative thing. The more I do that, the more I am cutting off the oxygen supply to our relationship together. And I'm never, ever, ever going to do that.

[James]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

100 letting your daughter hear the words, I don't know, I need to go get some more information about that. Or if that's true, that scares me to death. And here's why. Man, that is gold for a child. Because it makes them feel not crazy. Yeah. Because they're scared too.

[James]

So you said earlier that you, you get some of your, your news from marginal. Marginal revolution. And you, so how, you know, how

[Joshua]

do you let that impact, you know,

[James]

maybe your next steps or, you know, what do you, how do you let that impact your decisions? That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I mean I've got some boundaries. I, I, I don't do well when I read that stuff within an hour of going to bed and I'll spin up and I'll think about it all night and it will impact my sleep. Like, I just, I, I know that about myself and I always am framing things through this lens. How does it impact, what can I do about it in my home, in my work? And my work is unique. Right. Because I got a big platform here and in relationships with people in my community. And I'm always asking, so what? Like, so what am I going to do with this? And some things are just good to know. Like, so for instance, Tyler Cowan's been talking about the radical impacts AI is going to make. He's been talking about for years, way before it hit the, the headlines. And so I also get overwhelmed and scared to death about it all, mainly because I don't understand it, I don't understand the impact it's going to have. It seems to me moving really fast with people not knowing what, what it actually all means. And that always like a mob of people running for a door always makes me nervous. Right. And so how can I, how does that impact my day? I read an article or two a week by curated sources about actual things that are happening with AI, things that are not happening with AI and how it can, it might impact me long term and what can I do right now?

[Joshua]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so those are, that's just an example of things. Yeah, I don't I don't, I don't day trade. I don't have a bunch of. I don't have any crypto or any of that. Like, I don't buy gold. So like those big things when it comes to commodities or big picture markets, I don't have oil futures. And so I just don't live like that. I solve for peace. I don't solve for all that madness and nonsense. And so those kind of things don't impact me at all. But there is times when it, when they have called for, hey, this is happening with inflation. That's different than the numbers because they're ma. They're economists, they're looking actual data. And I might put more money into savings than normal. I might not buy a big fancy thing or something like. Right. But it, again, it comes back to. Or I might be extra, extra, extra generous. My wife and I may have a conversation about we're going to be obnoxiously generous this month. Right. But that, but again, it comes back to, what can I actually do about this?

[James]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I might have a conversation with an actual politician. I'm not going to post about something on social media because that's just about that. That's. That's a whole. That's, that's a different thing. But if I, if I have concerns over a particular policy, I'm going to call somebody.

[James]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna go meet with folks. Right. My wife may go march. Right. Like, what can we actually do? We can go do these things.

[James]

Yeah.

[Joshua]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[James]

100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I appreciate the question, man. It's a great question.

[James]

No, I appreciate your time. I should have led the call. I consider myself one of the, the OG 17. Yeah. And I've, I've put a lot of the, the things you've taught into my marriage and, and I know that it's made my marriage better. And so I really appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm grateful for you, brother. I appreciate you being with us for so long. And hopefully I've gotten better over the last four or five years. I've got some. I actually had the woman who does most of my tattoos, she's designed an amazing rad OG17 shirt. And so I'm going to get them. I'm going to get them printed up here in the next month or two. They're pretty. It's pretty amazing what she came up with. So. But I, I appreciate you being with us. And if you don't know what OG17 is, I'm sure AI will tell you. When we come back, a woman wonders, should she tell her ex husband she's found out he's taking pills again? Some of my favorite days in the world are getting out on the water with my son, my daughter, my wife, all of us. We all love fishing. Just casting our lines and spending time together, laughing, splashing, and usually not catching anything. And if you fish, you know, this glare on the water can be brutal for your eyes. You're trying to see where the fish are, you're trying to see each other, and by the end of the day, your eyes are cooked. And that's why my family loves Shady Rays fishing sunglasses. I love them. They're polarized, which means they cut the glare and actually let you see into the water. Not just the surface into the water. And it makes a huge difference. They protect your eyes, they're durable, and they're built for real life. Life. And let me just say this. I've lost or broken more sunglasses than I could ever count. Shady Rays has lost and broken protection. So if something happens to your glasses, they will replace them. And that means I'm not stressed about wearing them out in the middle of the lake, hiking down a long creek here in Tennessee, or just going out and having fun. They look great and they're not stupid, expensive. So if you like to fish, or if you just like being out in the sun and get sunglasses made for fishing or made for being out all day, go to shady rays.com and check out their entire collection and use code Deloney for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. That's shady rays dot com. Use code Deloney. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida and talk to Lindsay. Hey, Lindsay. What's up?

[Lindsay]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. How about you?

[Lindsay]

I. I'm. I'm doing good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's going on?

[Lindsay]

It's kind of a long. I'm gonna try to make this as short as I can. My husband, he's my ex husband now. We got divorced about two years ago because he had a problem with prescription pills.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Lindsay]

And he was abusing those. And I myself am 10 years sober, so I can't really. Thank you. I really don't want that in my life, and I don't want that kind of a lifestyle.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Lindsay]

And so I basically told him that he had to either leave or go to rehab. He went to rehab for three days. Then he got out, and then he started using them again, and we ended up getting a divorce. And now we just got back together and I just found out that he's abusing them again. So I don't know if he ever really stopped.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Lindsay]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you get back together?

[Lindsay]

We have a seven year old son and the way that, I mean, it seemed like he, like he was clean. And my son loves that we're back together. And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

your son loves the idea of y' all being back together.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But his nervous system is trying to attach to a father who's struggling with addiction. Did you grow up in a home like that?

[Lindsay]

I did, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Let's don't recreate that.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, that's why. That's why I. That's one of the reasons why I got sober. I have a 22 year old daughter and. And she was the reason that I got sober. So I just hope that there is a reason for him to want to get clean. But I can't make him right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. You've got to have the conversation that you found out he's using, you're using again. And the same boundaries still apply. He's unsafe to be around your son.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's unsafe to be around you. You're worth more than this. Your son's worth more than this. And your ex is worth more than this. This. And I hate this for all of you.

[Lindsay]

I know. I hate it too. I thought, I thought this was over. I thought.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know.

[Lindsay]

That we were getting a fresh start.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Lindsay]

And I rebuilt my life. And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

can we, can we call out what I think's a big pain here? Like a deep hurt. That I. And I don't want you to beat yourself up for this. Okay. Because you're going to. And I don't want you to. I'm trying to call it before it happens, but it probably already is happening. Yes. You're going to be disappointed. You're going to be heartbroken that he's using again. You're going to be heartbroken that your son is going to have to not be around his father. You're heartbroken that you're going to have to go through all of this breakup and pain, separation, all that again. But underneath all of that is that nagging question, Can I trust me? Because I did it again. And I want you to give yourself some grace and compassion for trying to seek reconciliation, trying to seek wholeness, trying to keep your family together. You wanting this to be true doesn't make you a bad person. Okay?

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't make you an untrustworthy person. If you know this to be true and if you know that we're right back in the same cycle again. If you know that it's unsafe and unwise for your son and for you to be around this guy who's struggling with addiction so badly and you do nothing about it, then you are a person you can't count on, you can't trust, because you don't keep your promises to yourself.

[Lindsay]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but I think you're a trustworthy person. I think you're. I think you're going to keep your promises to yourself.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your son.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. That was one of my things. If he would have just been honest and told me, hey, I'm struggling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but you've been around. You've been around people struggling with addiction your whole life. I mean, that's.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They don't tell the truth. They can't. Right. It's like. It's. It's. It's like telling somebody with a. With a stomach virus, like, if they would just stop throwing up, like, it's. It's part of it, right?

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Lying is, like, part of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah, it's part of it.

[Lindsay]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so many things you wanted to be true. I get it. And they're not. So we have to deal with that reality. We have to choose reality and then do the next. Right. Hard, hard, hard things. And we're going to resist the urge to tell our son, dad screwed up again. And we're going to say, dad's still sick.

[James]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not going to talk bad about our ex as much as we want to, especially not to our son.

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, you can be your husband, your ex's number one cheerleader, which is the way to love your son, by the way, is to see him rooting for your. His dad. And that doesn't mean you'll have to get back together.

[Joshua]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I tell you, through all this. Help. Just so proud of you. I am, for staying sober and clean through all this mess.

[Lindsay]

Thank you. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How often do those old demons come hollering?

[Lindsay]

Once in a while. But my. Mine was alcohol, and he does prescription pills, so. I mean, that was never my cup of tea, but watching somebody else destroy their life is very upsetting. And watching it is. I mean, gonna sound horrible, but it's disgusting.

[Joshua]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not horrible at all.

[Lindsay]

Watching somebody else be like that. It's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And watching a young child trying to hug a ghost and somebody can't pick their eyelids up.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. You know, nodding out all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, dude. Yeah. Get your son away from that stuff.

[Lindsay]

Yeah. Dad's sleeping again. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Get your, get your son away from that because he's going to try to backfill that and solve that problem, and that's not his to solve. And he's gonna be mad at you. He's gonna be upset with you. I don't. Who knows what your ex is gonna say about you.

[Lindsay]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All of that is part of the hard, hard, gritty, you know, stub your toe on the concrete kind of pain and, and grit that it takes to be a parent. I hate this for you.

[Lindsay]

Yeah, me too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But thanks for calling. Thanks for doing the, the next right hard thing. I'm proud of you. I'm really, really proud of you. And I'll walk with you anytime. Anytime you want. Call me back anytime. Okay. I'm really grateful for you. We need more parents to go all in on reconciliation and also be willing to wade through the grief and the heartache and still do the next right hard, hard thing. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Financial stress does not just damage your bank account. It can also take a toll on your mental health, your emotional health, and your relationships. Money worries cause anxiety, and they're one of the leading sources of conflict for couples. I know this personally. My wife and I have had years of struggles because of financial issues. Listen, therapy can help even with your money. And therapy is not about financial advice, but it can help you build healthier ways of coping and give you strategies to communicate with those you care about money without it turning into a war. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct, and they are fully licensed in the United States. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if the first therapist isn't a good fit, you can switch at any time for no additional cost. When life feels super overwhelming, therapy can help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, Am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right. This is from candice in Edmond, Oklahoma, and she writes, I'm a married mom of 3, 14, 12, and 9, and I have planned every single family vacation we've ever taken. I've returned to school and asked my husband in January to plan something for spring break. Well, spring break starts tomorrow and we have no plans. I know I could plan something, but I am drained and feel like he should take the reins on in capital letters, at least one trip. The childish side of me wants to dig in my heels and not plan anything until he does it. But at this point, who knows how long it will take before that happens? Quality time is my love language, so I have clearly expressed to him my expectations and desires. I have a very hard time accepting his I am not a planner or I am. I am not as good as this. That you are. Stances. Should I give in and accept the family vacations or my burden alone, or should I hold out until he plans something?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Read at that last sentence again, that last question.

[Kelly]

Should I give in and accept that family vacations are my burden alone, or should I hold out until he plans something?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think neither of those are a good option. Both of those are like, I'm going to take my ball and go home, or I'm going to stand in the middle of the street and just with my arms crossed. Neither of those are helpful. So in these kind of moments, I always want to start with the mirror. Be reflective. Okay, so here's what I mean by that. In the past, if he has planned something and think back to the earliest stages of your relationship, was his plans met with, I didn't like this. Why'd you pick this restaurant? I didn't like it here. This wasn't fun. Or I wish we. We should have gone like, so has he learned implicitly or explicitly that you don't like his plans? That's number one. Number two, has it ever occurred to you that his love language may be just being at home and chilling with the family? Or number three, has he heard you say, over the last few months, over and over and over again, I'm so tired. I just want to sleep. I just want to rest. I just want to chill. I just want to sleep. I just want to rest. I just want to chill. And he thinks I'm stretching here, guys. I know he thinks, ah, the greatest spring break ever for her is, we're just gonna chill as a family. I'll take care of meals this week, maybe. So we're gonna go to the mirror first and ask if any of those things might be true, because if they are, they're gonna frame the way we have this conversation. Next. We're gonna have a conversation, which is, hey, it's spring break. I asked you to plan this. And a. And you hear me talk about this framework all the time. Now. I don't see that we have any plans, that we're traveling anywhere. We're not going anywhere. The story I'm choosing to make up is you just don't care enough about us going on vacation together. You don't care about how much this means to me. This makes me feel less than. It makes me feel like all of this falls on me, like everything else around here. And so here's what I want to be different and give him a chance to respond to those stories. Give him a chance to respond to your feelings. And he might then say, man, I'm sorry. I blew it. I forgot. He might say, I want to be able to do this. But every time I've planned something in the past, five years ago, 10 years ago, 15 years ago, all you did was complain about it. You don't like the things I like to do, and you like to have everything just the right way, and I don't know how to do that. Or, or, or. Or. Let's have that real conversation and get to the bottom of. I gave you this. I asked you to do this thing for us, and you just didn't. Also, when we ask our spouse, hey, I want you to plan the vacation, man. That's a. You have a picture of what vacation is. They have a picture of what vacation is. Y' all are both using the word vacation, and y' all have very different pictures. A much more helpful approach is, I usually plan all of our trips. I'm overwhelmed and busy and exhausted. I want you to take the lead in planning vacation. Here's the picture I have in my head. I want to hear the picture you have in your head. Let's align pictures, and then people can go plan those things together. Does that take a little bit extra work? Yes, but it takes away all of the mental drain of all the feelings you're having on top of all the work you have to do, on top of your school schedule, on top of being a mom and a wife is also this feeling of, he doesn't care about me, he doesn't love me. This all falls on me. That's exhausting. Let's have the upfront conversation, aligning pictures, and then we can have a road map for where we're going to go. Is that h less Hollywood? Yep. Is it more practical? Yep. Does it get you what you want, which is a plugged in husband, an engaged husband in a vacation. Yep, yep and yep. So that's my thoughts. What do you think, Kelly?

[Kelly]

I think that's right. I don't think she's the problem or not the problem here. They're just not communicating well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he may suck. He may be the worst.

[Kelly]

Like, they May have this conversation. And he's like, nope, just didn't do it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I didn't do it. Sorry.

[Kelly]

And then she has to decide, is she going to just be like, you know what? This is just something I take on or. And to deal with it, she has a choice to make at that point. You know, my husband's not the planner. I know that. That's my forte. I love doing it. But I also know that if I asked him to, he would step up and help.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Yeah.

[Kelly]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And like, my wife and I were talking recently. The hardest part, I think, about being a parent and a spouse is that you feel both things at the same time. She was talking about how I was writing the chapter on being married with children, and she was. We're talking about the early days when she was. When Hank had just been born, my son, and she was feeding Hank in the middle of the night. And she said, I remember feeling so overwhelmed, so tired, I couldn't breathe. And also, if you had come in and said, I'm taking this feeding, I would have stabbed you. Because that was my. That was my special only us two time. And so she's like, the hard part was I was both of those. I was feeling them both at the same time. And so the hard part is I really like planning. I like being in control of these vacations. I like everything a certain way, like staying in a certain place, eating certain meals. And also, I'm so exhausted right now. Sometimes it's just feeling both of them and not trying to outsource both feelings onto somebody, but just taking ownership of them. It's sometimes, in this case, husband's just a lazy bum and he's to get off his butt and plan something awesome. You know what your wife likes. You know what? You can make phone calls and arrangements. Stop being a whiny brat and just get it done. So sometimes it's all of it. But anyway, yeah, don't just fold your arms up and be like. And don't say, I'm taking my ball and going home. Don't. Don't be like that. Put it on the table. Let this conflict be a point of connection for both of you. Let it finally get to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing, which is where you say, here's the story as I'm making up, and here's how I feel, and here's what I really want to be different next time. Love you guys. Bye.