I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Husband

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: I’m Not Attracted to My Overweight Husband
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network
Date: April 6, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on real, vulnerable listener calls exploring relationships, marriage challenges, fears about motherhood, and big life transitions. Dr. John Delony responds with compassion, candor, and practical advice, focusing on co-creating healthier relationships, embracing radical honesty, and processing past hurts. The main theme: moves toward deeper self-awareness and authentic communication in families.

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Key Calls & Discussions

1. Not Attracted to My Overweight Husband

Caller: Nicole ([01:03–17:16])

Background

• Nicole, a self-described “health freak", recently had her first child.
• Her husband’s increasing weight, eating habits, and emotional distance have become turn-offs, causing her concern both for his health and the future of their relationship.

Main Points & Dr. Delony’s Guidance

• Beyond Physical Attraction:

  • Nicole confesses the issue is deeper than looks—she’s bothered by his apparent lack of self-control and emotional disconnection.
  • She notices more fundamental gaps: differences in faith journeys, emotional expression, and shared responsibilities.

• Parental Dynamic & Judgment

  • Dr. Delony notes Nicole discusses her husband “like a mom talks about her frustrated son,” possibly driving his retreat into food and passivity.
  • He asks, “Is he allowed to show emotion in your home, or does it always have to be your way?” ([05:20])

• Co-creation vs. Fault

  • Rather than blaming or “dropping a grenade”—i.e., bluntly stating her loss of attraction—he urges Nicole to invite her husband into a new dialogue, taking equal ownership of the marital dynamic.
  • Memorable analogy: Dr. Delony shares his own story about realizing his hypocrisy with his son and learning to repair with humility and invitation ([10:23]).

• Practical Approach

  • “If you just come and drop that grenade on him, there's nowhere for that blast to go except inside his soul and spirit.” ([12:51])
  • Instead, Nicole should confess her own missteps (“I’ve made your home inhospitable…”) and work towards rebuilding a partnership:
    • “Let’s build the thing we actually want. The one where we both have peace, the one we both have laughter.” ([15:59])

• Owning Hurt and Starting Fresh

  • Dr. Delony encourages taking “fault” off the table and focusing on building something new together.
  • “The only way this works is if one of you goes first, and you called. So I’m going to challenge you to go first.” ([16:36])

Notable Quotes

• “The way you're talking about him is very much the way a mom talks about her son that she's frustrated with.” – Dr. Delony ([06:05])
• “You can’t blame your husband for not sharing emotions if you’re not a person you can share emotions with.” ([11:49])
• “Let’s take fault off the table for a bit... let’s take co-creation... What if we co-created a world where we both feel healthy and happy and at peace?” ([14:09])
• “Thanks for the call, sister. Your bravery is impressive and your ability to be reflective really quick is impressive as well.” ([17:07])

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2. Facing Fear of Motherhood

Caller: Annie ([20:21–35:50])

Background

• Annie is 11 weeks pregnant and anxious about becoming a mother due to her own difficult family history and fear of the emotional/mental toll.

Main Points & Dr. Delony’s Guidance

• Naming the Fear

  • Dr. Delony asks Annie to name her specific anxieties. She worries about not being able to handle the “emotional, physical, mental taxation” of motherhood ([22:03]).

• Exploring the Caller’s Past

  • Annie shares trauma: running away at 18 with an older man and a lack of support on returning home. Emotional support was lacking from both mother and father.

• Breaking Cycles, Extending Grace

  • Dr. Delony reassures her: “Can you let 18-year-old you off the hook finally? ... Write her a letter tonight.” ([29:11])
  • He explains the concept of “backpack of cinder blocks”—the emotional burdens from childhood.
  • Annie should acknowledge these burdens, offer herself grace, and even write letters to her parents—including both gratitude and healthy blame, as needed ([31:26]).

• Co-creating a New Family Life

  • With her supportive husband, Annie is encouraged to imagine the specific ways she wants to parent differently and more peacefully.
  • Dr. Delony: “You don’t have a lived experience of what peace even feels like. So… put some really specific things down on paper” ([32:12]).

• Embracing the Process

  • The path to being a “peaceful mom” is not a finish line but an ongoing process.
  • “Your fear, your anxiety—it’s right. You’re not crazy. And the path through it is directly through it.” ([33:43])

Notable Quotes

• “Forgive that poor girl. Because she's haunting you right now and she's just trying to tell you, dude, I just tried to survive.” – Dr. Delony ([29:40])
• “Let's acknowledge that's in our backpack. It's heavy.” ([30:42])
• “We’re gonna write mom and dad a letter saying, here's what I'm grateful for, here's what I'm really… And this is part of what one therapist told me once. We're going to blame fairly.” ([31:19])
• “How do you face a fear of becoming a mom? Walk straight through it, like you've done several other times.” ([35:24])

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3. Supporting a Spouse in a Major Career Change

Caller: Sarah ([37:58–53:56])

Background

• Sarah’s husband plans to leave his current job (where he just got a raise) to work in a family business, cutting his pay in half for a less stressful environment. She’s nervous about the financial impact and the realities of working with family.

Main Points & Dr. Delony’s Guidance

• Owning Honest Fears

  • Dr. Delony pushes Sarah to get specific about her feelings rather than minimizing them as just “nervous.”
  • “I want you to begin to take full ownership of the feelings inside your chest.” ([42:02])

• Business Risks and Clarity

  • Dr. Delony warns her that “not all big career changes work out, especially if you’re running away from something, not toward something” ([41:31]).
  • They discuss potential pitfalls of family business, risk of resentment, and the need for “radical honesty.”

• Practical Conversations Needed

  • They should clearly discuss their finances, values, and expectations.
  • “Are we ready to consciously become a Corolla family instead of a Tahoe family? ... If you’re not on the same page, you’ll resent each other.” ([48:48])

• Communication Advice

  • If direct conversation is difficult, Dr. Delony suggests writing concerns down before discussing.
  • He encourages Sarah to redefine her inner narrative: “Change your internal language toward ‘I'm a ride or die spouse.’ ... I love my husband enough to challenge him before he makes a mistake.” ([52:02])

Notable Quotes

• “You’re tilling the soil for a field of resentment because you'll have a lot of unspoken things going on.” – Dr. Delony ([43:29])
• “Uncertainty will make you crazy. Risk is exciting, but risk shouldn't end you.” ([45:13])
• “I want you to be clear about what your concerns and fears are, and I want you to set up a conversation... where y’all can work through those.” ([48:24])
• “I'm a supportive wife… and I'm also— I love my husband enough to challenge him before he makes a mistake.” ([52:02])

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4. Listener Update: Recovery and Rebuilding after Betrayal

Email from: Levi in Lynchburg ([55:23])

• Levi shared gratitude for support received at a Ramsey marriage retreat after his affair and struggle with sobriety.
• He celebrates 607 days sober and rebuilding his family.
• Dr. Delony and team express their pride and admiration.

Quote

• “Shout out to a brother here for staying sober and for rebuilding his marriage one brick at a time.” – Dr. Delony ([56:29])

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Notable Timestamps

• 01:03–17:16: Nicole—Attraction, marital dynamics, honesty
• 20:21–35:50: Annie—Anxiety about motherhood, healing from past
• 37:58–53:56: Sarah—Supporting career transitions, financial and family concerns
• 55:23: Levi—Listener update, sobriety and trust-building

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Tone & Style Notes

• Dr. Delony’s responses blend empathy, humor, and tough love.
• He uses vivid analogies, personal stories, and direct challenges.
• Overall, the tone is supportive, practical, and deeply human.

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Summary

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show features heartfelt, raw conversations about marriage strain, parental anxiety, and life transitions. The core advice: meaningful relationships require honesty, vulnerability, and a commitment to co-creating a shared, supportive vision for the future. Callers are equipped not just with pats on the back, but with clear, actionable steps and the encouragement to lead the way toward healthier family life.

Transcript

[Nicole]

I've always been a health freak. I've been going to the gym for several years. How do I gossily tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become eternal?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh.

[Co-host]

Hey, what's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. So glad that you're here, taking your calls from all over the planet on whatever's going on in your life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The last two decades, I've sat with

[Co-host]

people who the wheels have fallen off in their life trying to figure out

[Dr. John DeLoney]

what's the next right move. Your mental and emotional health, your kids,

[Co-host]

your marriage, your dating life, whatever you got going on. My promise is I'll sit with you

[Dr. John DeLoney]

and we'll figure out what's the next right move for you.

[Co-host]

Let's go out to Tulsa, Oklahoma and talk to Nicole. Hey, Nicole, what's up?

[Annie]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Caller]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great.

[Co-host]

How are you?

[Nicole]

I'm good. Thanks for taking my call.

[Co-host]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Nicole]

My question is, how do I softly tell my husband that his weight gain is starting to become a turn off? Oh, my personality is to be a bull.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah,

[Co-host]

Tell me more.

[Nicole]

So we had a baby last April, and I've always been a health freak. I've been going to the gym for several years. When we got together, he was heavier, but it wasn't really an issue for me. And then here recently, our daughter actually just turned one on Sunday. I've just been noticing probably about the last six months, but I just feel like he's started gaining weight more noticeably. And I feel like the eating habits have increased and it's just. It bothers me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it when you say the eating habits have increased, what does that mean?

[Nicole]

I can't keep snacks in the house. Or we go through them with before the end of the week, lunch. He likes to make his sandwiches at work, and I'm basically buying a whole tube of Miracle Whip and a whole box of sliced cheese almost every week to every other week.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so while you may be not attracted to his weight gain. Right. Purely aesthetically. Right?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hear you say you're becoming not attracted or less attracted to him as a person. Or. Let me, I don't want to read too much into what you said, but he's beginning to gross you out in who he is. Is that right or is that too much?

[Nicole]

I'd say maybe a little bit. Maybe the self control aspect is becoming a nick.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Where else is are you discovering there's a distance between you.

[Nicole]

Our faith.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me more about that.

[Caller]

We.

[Nicole]

I am growing. We both grew up in Christian households, and he went to the same church since the moment he was born. And I kind of followed him into that when we got together and were dating. But I just felt like I wasn't spiritually growing. It wasn't really my religion. So I spread off and went to the church that I kind of grew up in, and the same religion, and he actually followed me there, which was a huge step. But I'm trying to pour into that community and kind of start becoming more faithful. And I'm doing devotions and worshiping and actively talking about the Lord, and he just doesn't care. He won't be active in any of that stuff with me. And I've asked him about it, and he just like, no, I'm good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What else? If you had to pinpoint some places where y' all have grown apart,

[Nicole]

He's. He doesn't show any emotion,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

can he.

[Nicole]

I've asked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you've asked. In your words.

[Nicole]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if your actions are a language, is he allowed to show emotion? Is he allowed to show frustration, disappointment, sadness? Is he allowed to just be low? Or is the way you do things the way things need to be done? Whether it's fitness in. In which you call yourself a freak. Is it fitness? Is it sexuality? Is it what we eat and how we eat and where we worship and how much we do it and how much we talk about it.

[Nicole]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Has he just learned. All right, I'm out. And I'm. I'm not. I'm not making accusations. I'm just asking.

[Nicole]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

because the way you're communic, the way you're talking about him is very much the way a mom talks about her son that she's frustrated with.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that may be because he acts like a kid, and it may be that he's trying to find pockets of safety and he's eating his feelings right now because that's the only place for them to go. Is shoved down. Because I live in her house and worship at her church and raise our kid the way she wants it to be done. And ultimately, my home is a failure factory. Does that sound right?

[Co-host]

Or is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am I way off? Yeah.

[Nicole]

No. Very accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Co-host]

So the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You won't like my answer if. If that helps. Okay.

[Co-host]

There's not a gentle way to tell

[Dr. John DeLoney]

somebody you're not attracted to them anymore. Okay. There's an honest way and a helpful way, and there's hurtful ways to do that.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But to me, the bigger conversation here is how long.

[Co-host]

How long are y' all married before

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you had a kid?

[Nicole]

Oh, we got pregnant two months after we were married.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so. And your kid's about to turn one.

[Nicole]

You said she just turned one?

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Okay, so how much of this is

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you are opening your eyes to? This is your life now, and you don't like it?

[Nicole]

I. I feel like I. I love my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

And I love being a mom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

I'm nervous that it's just settling and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Caller]

It.

[Nicole]

I just.

[Caller]

I don't.

[Nicole]

Sorry. I'm trying to gather my thoughts. His family is all very obese, and I just don't want that to be us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

And I'm nervous that he'll be like his dad and check out and not want to play with our kids because his dad sits on the couch and drinks a Diet Coke for water and eats Cheetos all night.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I can tell you your husband feels every nook and cranny of the laser beam that is your judgment on his every move. And if you truly value him and you value Yalls marriage and you value your kid growing up in a stable home, then turning the laser of judgment

[Annie]

off

[Dr. John DeLoney]

and turning on what I would call, like the gentle dome light of. I see and know that there's a different person in my home that I'm going to co. Create a life with,

[Co-host]

because right now,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you're only seeing your world, and he is impacting your world negatively. And what you're not recognizing is that it's his world, too. And, man, there is an important. Multiple important conversations to be had around. I'm worried about your health. I'm worried about your involvement here at home. And there's also a really important conversation to be said for. We're a year into this thing, and I've made your home really inhospitable. And I'm sorry, because it's been about my way, my thing. I'm right. I'm this, I'm that, and I'm so, so sorry. Or let me give you another example. This morning, just today, this is fresh, right? I got into a.

[Co-host]

As.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As heated of a discussion with my son as I've had in maybe years about him leaving his clothes everywhere. He gets home from school, home from track, and he undoes his. He opens up his backpack, and there's just stuff everywhere. Okay? So we got into it this morning,

[Co-host]

and I don't know what it was

[Dr. John DeLoney]

about this particular morning. I'm working on a Big project right now. And I have a room above my garage where I go, right? And it's got all my hunting gear and all my guitars and all my stuff in there. I walked up the small half staircase into that room, and I just saw it for what it was. It's a crazy, disturbing mess. I have piles of clothes everywhere. I've got guitars laying all over the place. I haven't cleaned up after the last hunting season. I just got, like, I'm writing a book. I got books everywhere, papers everywhere. It's a mess. And I felt so ashamed, so much so that I wrote my son a long note that said, I'm a hypocrite and I'm sorry. I've been challenging you on your cleanliness and your, you know, your ability, your, like, routines. And here I am living like this. I'm sorry. And my solution with my son this morning was I have to make some changes around here, and I want to invite you in to be a part of some of those changes. And that's the only path forward right now. Because I was not being a person of integrity because I was blaming him for stuff that I was participating in. And so you can't blame your husband for not sharing emotions if you're not a person you can share emotions with. You can't blame your husband for eating his feelings if that's the only place for them to go. And you can't blame him from coming from an obese family. But you can talk to him about, hey, I also have problems with my body.

[Co-host]

I just go the other way with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what does health look like for us? And what does togetherness look like for us? And what does connectivity with our kid look like? You get what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And part of that conversation will be, I'm losing attraction to you, and I'm going to own that. But if you. Yeah, if you just come and drop that grenade on him, there's nowhere for that blast to go except inside his soul and spirit.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If it's a part of a larger context which says, hey, I've brought some really big challenges to this thing. And I realized I've been pretty laser focused. And what's my life look like? And what is this is different, and I didn't expect to get pregnant, and now I've got this, and I've got this instead of, hey, we've got this and we get to decide what this looks like.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How does that resonate? Does that resonate as bs? Does that resonate as, like, no, it

[Nicole]

makes no, I feel it that I'm impressed. Yeah, that's. I just didn't. I'm not trying to say like oh, this is my fault, which it is probably my fault, but I just didn't be it that way. But it all is very accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's take fault off, off the table right now. Okay.

[Co-host]

Because if, if we want to go

[Dr. John DeLoney]

down fault, it's his fault that he puts that food in his mouth. Right? It is. That's a, that's a choice he makes every bite. And it's a fault that you judge him through a lens of his parents and through your lens of embarrassment. And I want to be seen with a guy that looks like this out and like we can go down the fault thing. It's not helpful because fault ends up becoming we're scorekeeping and I'm winning or I'm losing. Let's take fault off the table for a bit and let's take. This is going to sound so cheesy, I'm rolling my eyes at myself as I say this. But let's take co creation. We've co created a marriage in our first year where we were just surviving and you survived by barking orders and he survived by eating his feelings, period. What if, and I know I just made that way simple, there's way more complexity to that. I know that. What if we co created a world where we both feel healthy and happy and at peace? What does that look like? What do we want the house to feel like when we both walk in? What is sharing responsibilities and roles and new identities now? What does that look like? What does that feel like? What is a pattern that when he hears you ordering him around as though he's a 7 year old kid that he has a way to say, can you try that again or could you say that in a different way and you don't go to war with him and you're like, yes, yes, because I'm going to change this pattern over time. You get what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah, I do.

[Co-host]

But it, this isn't about. I'm just going to take all the

[Dr. John DeLoney]

fault and woe is me. That's not what I'm saying. This is saying I'm going to go first. And we've both tried to survive this first year and we did, we survived. We're still married, our kids healthy. I love being a mom. Awesome. I want us to knock down the tower that was our old marriage because it got built kind of wonky just out of the gate because we needed a lean to shelter, to live in

[Co-host]

during this first year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let's build the thing we actually want. The one where we both have peace, the one we both have laughter, where we have fitness, we take care of ourselves, we're good stewards of our bodies. Where you can put your fears on the table and not say you're being like your dad because that's never a good thing to say. But hey, I'm worried about, I love you enough to tell you I'm concerned about your health. I want you to be here for her high school graduation. I want her to have some hilarious memories of her dad rolling around on the floor with her, not sitting on a couch, drinking a diet Coke

[Co-host]

and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

then being able to say, okay, what, what do you see in me? Where's my blind spots? And the only way this works is if one of you goes first and you called. So I'm going to challenge you to go first is to put on the table and say, I'm sorry I messed this up out of the gate. I was doing the best I could with what I had. And now I'm asking not for a do over but can we rebuild something new and amazing? Let's start from there. Thanks for call sister you. Your bravery is impressive and your ability to be reflective really quick is impressive as well. Thank you so, so, so much for the call.

[Co-host]

We come back, a woman asks how

[Dr. John DeLoney]

to face her fear of becoming a mom now that she is pregnant.

[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Co-host]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

even occasionally my wife, fishing as a family.

[Co-host]

And if you fish, you know this glare on the water can be brutal. You're trying to see where the fish are. You're trying to not have your eyes get burned out. And at the end of the day, you're. Your eyes get cooked. And that's why we all wear Shady Rays fishing sunglasses. I got mine right here. Dude, I look so cool. They're polarized, which means they actually cut the glare and they actually let you see into the water, not just the surface. Under the water, it makes a huge difference. They protect your eyes. They're durable, they're built for real life. And just let me say, I've lost and broken more sunglasses than I could possibly count. And another reason I love Shady Rays is they have lost and broken protection. And that means if something happens, they will replace them. This means I'm not stressed about wearing them in the middle of a lake, on a creek, on a long hike. I don't mind wearing them anywhere. They look great and they're not insanely stupid expensive like sunglasses suddenly seem to be. If you fish, if you like being outside, get sunglasses that are made for fishing or check out their entire collection. Head to shadyrays.com and use code DeLoney for 40 off two or more polarized sunglasses like these right here that shadyrays.com use code DeLoney. All right, let's go to Portland, Oregon and talk to Annie. Hey, Annie. What's up?

[Caller]

Thanks.

[Annie]

So I just have a quick question for you. How can I overcome and face my fears and anxieties about motherhood so that I can be a resilient and peaceful mom? And I'm currently 11 weeks and 5 days pregnant with our first kid.

[Co-host]

Oh, so you're. You're right there, huh?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you all announced to your friends and family yet? Are you holding tight for a few more days?

[Annie]

I know I did. I. I kind of regretted it. I should have probably waited, but I was just too excited. So, yeah, I told everyone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, hey, can I tell you congratulations thank you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that cool?

[Co-host]

Tell me your.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your relationship status.

[Annie]

Oh, I'm married. Yeah, we've been married for four years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You like him?

[Annie]

Oh, man. Yeah, he's amazing.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Co-host]

So whenever somebody tells me they have

[Dr. John DeLoney]

a fear about something or they have anxiety about something,

[Co-host]

I always want to know. And as detailed as you could get.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Because fears and anxieties tend to be really.

[Co-host]

Did you see Stranger Things?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can't.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You don't like scary movies.

[Co-host]

Okay, so. Okay, so it can be really shadowy and kind of, like, ethereal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's hard to wrap your head around and. Or it's hard to point a finger to it.

[Co-host]

And so one of the ways to

[Dr. John DeLoney]

disempower fear and anxieties is to be really specific about them.

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what is it about being a mom?

[Co-host]

And I want to get to the

[Dr. John DeLoney]

place you want to be. What is it about this side of motherhood that makes you concerned that you're not going to be a peaceful mother?

[Annie]

Yeah, I'm really scared that I'm not going to be able to handle the responsibilities, the emotional, physical, mental taxation that women go through when they have a baby.

[Co-host]

Where does that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where does that fear originate? Have you failed yourself a number of times, or is this part of the. The American mother guilt complex?

[Annie]

Oh, yeah, I think it's probably both. But, yeah, I have failed. I haven't failed myself, but there's been moments in my life that. That I've went through some pretty significant pain because of choices I've made.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Annie]

Yeah, so I guess when.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me tell you this.

[Co-host]

I know this is A, only tell

[Dr. John DeLoney]

me what you're comfortable telling. Okay, sure. And B, and be as vague as you feel like you need to be. Okay?

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And B, I'm not just fishing. I'm actually going somewhere with this. Okay.

[Annie]

Yeah, no, I believe you. I just don't want to give you too many details and waste your time, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not wasting my time. I'm honored that you're on the phone with me.

[Annie]

Thanks. Okay, so when I was really young, I made the choice to run away with a guy I barely knew, and that turned out to be a really horrible decision.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How old were you?

[Annie]

I had just turned 18.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How old was he?

[Annie]

He was 40.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And how long until you uncoupled from that last year. Oh, last year.

[Annie]

Oh, wait, I'm sorry. What do you mean by that question?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long until y' all broke up and you found yourself kind of in the Wasteland of being 22 or 23 or 25 looking around.

[Annie]

No, it's actually really cool story because it was two days later, I was in a different state than the state I grew up in, and I just had a crazy encounter with God.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it was two days later and you had a spiritual awakening?

[Annie]

Yeah, it was crazy. God just totally saved me from it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you. You went home right after that?

[Annie]

No, I stayed with my brother for a couple months, and then I went back to my hometown.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What was reentry into your hometown like?

[Annie]

Yeah, it was really hard. And I went back to live with my parents again, and, you know, they did the best that they could, but everything just picked up like normal. And I never really had time to process what had happened and. And that eventually just. I. You know, I really just pushed things down and shoved them deep down inside. And then eventually that led me to, like, my next really big emotional breakdown of. I was in the middle of nursing school a year and a half ago, and I had a bunch of triggers occur to me and had never dealt with panic and anxiety before, and I just totally lost it, and my body just started screaming at me and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. How old are you now?

[Annie]

I'm 29.

[Nicole]

Yeah, 29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Tell me how your mom loved you, supported you, cared for you, walked alongside you.

[Annie]

I wasn't expecting that question. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're okay.

[Annie]

She showed me how to work really hard.

[Co-host]

That's the most compassionate, politically correct answer of all time. That was awesome.

[Annie]

Yeah, I don't.

[Co-host]

Well, I'm not asking you to badmouth your mom, but I'm asking you to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you were to objectively back out of the situation, and I know that's an almost impossible thing to do, right?

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you were to imagine yourself watching your mother walk alongside you, if she did at all.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What would that look like?

[Annie]

She.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say it one more time.

[Annie]

Oh, I'm sorry. I just. I'm having a hard time. She.

[Nicole]

She didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, just sit on that for a second. She did.

[Annie]

Yeah. And I guess I just. I'm looking for a road map of how I can be better for my kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. How'd your dad walk alongside you?

[Annie]

Yeah, my dad, I. He had a really severe and undiagnosed at the time, PTSD and major depressive disorder and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, those are clinical terms. Tell me about the lived experience of 9 year old you, of 14 year old you, of 17 year old you. Anger, rage, volume.

[Annie]

Yeah. Yeah. Like, the only emotion I ever saw was anger.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Annie]

And he wasn't abusive or anything like

[Caller]

that, but he

[Annie]

just couldn't be there for me in the way that I needed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let me say this as clearly as I can, okay? Abuse does not require intent. And by the way, this is not to blow up your parents in any way. This is to give context to your body right now. Okay?

[Annie]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Abuse doesn't require intent. I can be abusive without meaning to be. Okay. The second thing is, is trauma can happen as. As a thing that happens to you or a thing that should have happened to you that didn't. Okay. And we often look back at our past and we're like, well, they didn't do this and they didn't do that, and we're thinking of physical abuse or sexual abuse. They never, like, I never had to go to the hospital because they hit me so hard or whatever, but we failed to look at the other side, which is at 18, I found a father figure who at least cared enough to look me in the eyes.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Somebody finally told me I was beautiful.

[Caller]

Right.

[Annie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so when.

[Co-host]

When you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When I said, what are some ways you failed yourself, can you do me a huge favor?

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can you let 18 year old you off the hook finally?

[Annie]

How do I do that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to write her a letter tonight. And I want you to forgive her for being 18, and I want you to forgive her for trying to run away from a household where she felt completely alone and in charge of the adult's emotions in her home.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Forgive that poor girl. Because she's haunting you right now and she's just trying to tell you, dude, I just tried to survive. I was trying to survive.

[Annie]

Okay. I can do that.

[Co-host]

And here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I'm. Here's what I want to do to circle back and answer your full question. The first thing I want you to do is to be honest. About what? Consider. Like, you may have heard me say this before, but consider you've got a backpack on full of cinder blocks. How many of these cinder blocks? I don't have to work through them all, but how many of these cinder blocks can I at least acknowledge how much weight am I carrying into this new season of my life? You have a lived experience of a mom who was at you, not with you.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's just. Let's acknowledge that's in our backpack. It's heavy.

[Annie]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let's stop blaming 29 year old ourself for being tired, for having panic attacks, for. We're in nursing school and we have to do something that's life or death. And we have that voice of our mom saying, you screwed up. You didn't do this. I can't believe you didn't. Like, let's give ourselves some grace.

[Annie]

And I just write myself a letter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's so great. We're gonna. We're gonna write 18 year old self that letter. That's a different one.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Annie]

Okay.

[Co-host]

We're gonna write mom and dad a

[Dr. John DeLoney]

letter saying, here's what I'm grateful for, here's what I'm really. And.

[Co-host]

And this is part of what one

[Dr. John DeLoney]

therapist told me once. We're going to blame fairly.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

You know what I got mom?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I got an incredible work ethic. You know what I got dad? I got an insanely compassionate way of helping people. It makes me an amazing nurse because I've been taking care of people since I was five. The next section is I should have never had to take care of you because I was a kid.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

And mom, I know you were trying

[Dr. John DeLoney]

to survive inside your own marriage with a husband who was. Had a whole bunch of untreated mental health issues, but it wasn't my job to carry that weight for you.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then here's the important part of that last. The last part of that letter. The important part. Here's who I'm going to be now. And when we say things like, I just want to be a peaceful mom, that becomes a finish line of a race that never ends because you don't have a lived experience of what peace even feels like. And so here's what we're going to do. We're going to put some really specific things down on paper. And I would advise you, the way you swooned over your husband. Gross. But it sounds like he's a. He's. He is going to walk alongside you as you transform your family tree. Is that fair?

[Annie]

Oh, yeah. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So what if we co created some things together? I want my daughter to know that no matter what, I'm in charge. And no matter what, I'll sit with her through her big feelings or his big feelings. I want my son to know, no matter what, Mama loves him to the end of time.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then as we go along and you find yourself getting impatient, we're gonna. We're gonna feel that and we're gonna get the help we need along the way. So let me say this. Your fear, your anxiety, it's right. You're not crazy.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the path through it is directly through it.

[Annie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Annie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the The. The path through it is as clear as possible. And this is going to sound nutty. As short of time horizons as possible.

[Annie]

What does that mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That means you have a picture of wanting to treat your son or daughter a certain way when they turn 18. That's two decades from now.

[Annie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's do week three.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Your fear is right, and your fear is good. And I. I'm like, overwhelmed with how proud of you I am. The challenge you have before you is you're doing a lot of work to get well. You're doing a lot of work to be. To build a great marriage. And you're doing it with all these old cinder blocks still in your backpack.

[Annie]

Yeah, I have to set them down.

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And writing a letter is a start. That's not going to be like some magic cure.

[Annie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it will slowly begin to distance yourself from that person that was just surviving. I've had to go back and write myself multiple letters in multiple years because once I cleared 18 year old me, then all of a sudden 16 year old me popped up and then 13 year old me. Like, I've had to go back and let different versions of childhood me off the hook because they were still fighting my daily battles as an adult. It's not their job.

[Annie]

Yeah,

[Nicole]

Okay.

[Annie]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Game on.

[Annie]

Game on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do you face a fear of becoming a mom? Walk straight through it like you've done several other times. I'm so.

[Co-host]

Dude, I'm so freaking proud of you and your husband. Both of you. It's awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right track, Right track. Hey, it's been a high, high honor that. That I got to talk to you today. Thank you so, so much for the call. We come back, a woman asks how to support her husband through a big career change.

[Co-host]

It is fishing season and turkey season, and my son and I are still using our Montana Knife Company knives all the time. Why? Because Montana knife companies rule. They're designed, tested, and built right here in the United States by real hunters, by real fishermen and women, and by great chefs. We get back home, my whole family, my wife, my son, even my daughter now is using Montana Knife Company knives in the kitchen to prepare all the amazing food we catch. Why? Their knives are the best. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day. They're just amazing. But here's what really sells me. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening, or if anything ever happens to need to be repaired, you just send them to Montana Knife Co. And they'll take care of the rest. These are the kind of knives that

[Dr. John DeLoney]

your grandkids will fight over someday.

[Co-host]

Your wife will love them, you'll love them, your kids will use them. If. Listen, if you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last, go to Montana knife company.com and see what's available right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're amazing.

[Co-host]

That's Montana Knife company dot com. All right, we're back. Hey, two seconds here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First, hit the subscribe button so associate producer Alex will stop waving that sign in front of my face. And so your neighbors will get the help they need and go download the together app. It's incredible. It is crushing right now.

[Co-host]

It's in the Apple app store. Is that what they call it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The kids call it these days.

[Producer Alex]

The kids do call it these days. You can also go to the show notes below the description and click on it. Click on that.

[Caller]

That'd be great.

[Co-host]

Click on it in the show notes. Did you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think I've ever looked at a show note in my life.

[Co-host]

I would.

[Producer Alex]

That doesn't shock me.

[Co-host]

I would know where to find a show anyway.

[Producer Alex]

You couldn't find a show note with a flashlight, a spotlight.

[Co-host]

And what's funny is I would look

[Dr. John DeLoney]

for it with a flashlight. Ah, geez.

[Co-host]

All right, let's go out to Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

[Caller]

Hello.

[Co-host]

What's going on? Thanks for hopping on here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How we doing?

[Caller]

Pretty good. I'm very awkward, so I apologize in advance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, Sarah, there is no one on more awkward on this call than me. I assure you.

[Co-host]

I assure you we can be awkward together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's good.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Co-host]

So what's up?

[Caller]

So my husband is fairly certain he's going. He's about to make a very large career change or job change, and I am hoping to look for ways to best support him in this change.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about the change.

[Caller]

He is looking to begin work with two family members on, like, a business that they have. Yeah. So that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let me. Let me back out of this question. Are you in support of this career change or you do not like this career change?

[Caller]

I'm nervous about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me why you're nervous.

[Caller]

It'll be less money. He recently just got an increase in pay where he is right now, and it's kind of like half of that pay. Like, I think it'll be doable. Like, we can do. It will be okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But why is he making this change?

[Caller]

Actually, he's just doing the job of a lot of people at the moment, and it's really stressful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's about to go to work with two family members. He's going to be doing 50 jobs at once.

[Caller]

He doesn't see it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is a tall order for a spouse to be supportive of a husband. And again, this may make me unpopular, to say it this bluntly, but, hey, honey, I want to bring home half the income because I'm tired of working so hard.

[Caller]

I feel bad because I also don't want him miserable because then when he gets home, he is in a miserable mood. He has gotten better. He's the one that showed me your podcast, and he'll be listening to this and laughing at how awkward I am.

[Co-host]

You're not being. You're not awkward at all. I guess I want to call out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't see a lot of successful job transitions, especially huge ones where someone isn't going towards something, but they're running away from something.

[Caller]

Right. And where he's at now is trying to fix, like, they're trying to hire someone else to lessen his load at work. But even, like, thinking about, you know, having to train that person for the next however long is a lot for him to process. And, like, think about kind of, have

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you all sat down and made a real honest budget with, hey, we're about to bring home half the income we've had?

[Annie]

Well, the.

[Caller]

The income is new. Like, his increase in income is new. So it kind of be where we've been at. But it's nice to, like, not have to worry so much about money. Like, right now, we're at a spot where we can, you know, think about putting it toward the mortgage. And because we're baby steps four, five, and six, or, you know, having extra money to put aside and do things. So it's. It's kind of nice to have that little cushion, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You keep minimizing what you're saying. Like, it's kind of nice. It's. It's about half. Like, it's kind of half. I want you to begin to take full ownership of the feelings inside your chest.

[Caller]

Besides, just nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, because. Because nervous is amorphous.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I can be fully prepared. Thursday night, I'm going out of town to do a headlining bit at a comedy club I've never been into, never walked into. I will be nervous. I speak to. To audiences all over the United States, all over the place, Big audiences, small audiences, all over.

[Co-host]

I have a full hour and probably

[Dr. John DeLoney]

30 minutes of an act I can do. I'm fully prepared.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll still be nervous. Nervous is just a physiological reaction. It's good because that means there's a risk involved. Right.

[Caller]

That's great.

[Co-host]

That's not. I don't think that's what you're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you're feeling. Yeah. Tell me more. You're hesitant. Tell me more of the feelings besides nervous.

[Caller]

I've heard you talk a lot about, like, business with family members, and that was another part that I was hesitant about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you trust.

[Co-host]

Would you let your family members, these

[Dr. John DeLoney]

particular family members, keep your kids.

[Caller]

They're not like, dangerous, I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not what I said.

[Caller]

Like our.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Would you want your kids around them a lot?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

At least one of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay.

[Co-host]

So here's the thing.

[Caller]

One of them for sure.

[Co-host]

Y' all are creating a world.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're tilling the soil for a field of resentment because you'll have a lot of unspoken things going on. And so when I left my 20 year career as a senior leader at universities to become a podcaster and a YouTuber, for God's sakes, my wife was very nervous about that. I'll go further to say she was uncomfortable with it. And so we walked through. Our finances changed pretty dramatically, especially early on. Now they've changed completely the other way. But early on, there was a path here. Of nerve. Of. Of. I'm uncomfortable with this. I'm uncomfortable with this. And most of her discomfort was, John, you're an introvert. John, I see you when people say, I hate you or you're an idiot and it melts you and you're walking into an ecosystem where that's where a

[Co-host]

lot of people are going to throw grenades at you.

[Caller]

Right, Right.

[Co-host]

And she knows I like to take

[Dr. John DeLoney]

time with people and I'm overly compassionate. And the ecosystem that I live in rewards really quick, sensational points that lack nuance. Right.

[Co-host]

Like all that stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She was like, you're walking into a new room where I'm uncomfortable for you. And we had to sit down and be pragmatic about a budget, and we had to find a place to live because I lived in university house.

[Co-host]

Like, we had all these very practical

[Dr. John DeLoney]

things to sit down and discuss, and it didn't make the conversations easy, but it did give us a plan.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Co-host]

And so what you're doing with a plan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Arthur Brooks talks about this so well, you're taking away the uncertainty. There's still a risk this whole thing could fall. But I'm Going to take uncertainty off the table. And so as much as I possibly can, uncertainty will make you crazy. Risk is exciting, but risk shouldn't end you.

[Caller]

Right.

[Co-host]

And so if you're. Honestly, if you in your guts, if

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you think to your husband, I'm afraid you're going to take this job and in four months, you're going to realize you went with you and you're going to come home grumpy for that job just at half the salary.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you think you're going to go work less, you're not. And if this business works, y' all are going to all be working way more.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And is there.

[Caller]

And it's kind of not. Not as big at the moment. I also pose, like, what if they go bankrupt? But that's the part that excites my husband because he is looking to go in and, like, help them make it better. Which we were at the marriage retreat and the career one, the job one. I asked him, like, what. What are you hoping to do? Who are you hoping to help? And he said, like, that's. That's the part that excites him is having being able to help people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Is his family members that he's going to go work for and with. Are they going to allow him to come in and transform their business?

[Caller]

I'm sorry, what was that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

His family members that he's coming to join forces with, are they going to allow him to walk in and transform the business?

[Caller]

I'm not positive. He said it sounds like one, you know, one definitely is all for, you know, being able to change and stuff. The second one, I'm just not sure, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to be able to, like, let me say it this way. In a healthy marriage, one where you see and know him and you celebrate

[Co-host]

him regularly, he knows he's loved.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then I want you to say, I want to have a. I want to put a bunch of challenges on the table. My fears about you making this transition, and I want us to work through them. Are you in?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I want you to be able to get all of your questions and concerns answered.

[Co-host]

And some of those are going to be very tactical.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are we willing to postpone paying our house off? Are we willing to postpone funding the kids college fund because you're tired at work?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Am I going to struggle with respecting

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you because you're working, you think you work too much and that makes you in a bad mood, or are you in. In an abusive work situation where they're just taking advantage of you and beating you over the head with a stick.

[Co-host]

And I want you to get out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't care what it costs us.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I've had.

[Caller]

Love his boss.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I had a situation like that with my wife where she's like, I don't care what it's going to cost us. Get out of that place you're working. I've had that, too.

[Co-host]

She was going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She was going to defend me the other way.

[Caller]

Right.

[Co-host]

But I want you. Here's the thing. I want you to be clear about

[Dr. John DeLoney]

what your concerns and fears are, and I want you to set up a conversation with him where y' all can work through those.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Co-host]

Because either y' all will get clarity

[Dr. John DeLoney]

on what does success look like in this job. How long are we going to tolerate making half the money?

[Co-host]

Is there. Is this job going to grow us somewhere?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are we going to aim for someplace or are we resettling our entire life?

[Co-host]

Which, by the way, isn't bad either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We are resettling our entire life because we're going to shift our priorities now. We're going to consciously become a Corolla family and we are consciously going to be renters or consciously going to live in a very small house and have

[Co-host]

our mortgage out because we value peace

[Dr. John DeLoney]

in these other parts of our life. If that is great, that's amazing.

[Co-host]

But I want everybody on the same

[Dr. John DeLoney]

page with that, because if you still want to live a Tahoe life and he is making a shift to Corolla

[Co-host]

life, y' all are going to go to war together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're going to resent each other.

[Caller]

Right?

[Co-host]

And if he comes up the first

[Dr. John DeLoney]

day, he comes home and complains about something,

[Co-host]

you're going to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, you're going to come unglued.

[Co-host]

Because that's the reason we took half the income.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you said.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're going to. It's going to be. You said. And I told you. And we never. It's going to end up in that

[Co-host]

wild

[Dr. John DeLoney]

keeping score type language. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so let's put all this stuff on the table because you. What you've also told me is he loves his boss.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're about to hire somebody and it's gonna suck for a season while he has to train him, but, man, it could clear up the whole deck for everybody.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Versus he's going to come in, he's got one person he really trusts, one person that's a wild card. He's gonna make half the money, hope it works out. Right.

[Co-host]

Maybe and so it's just putting all

[Dr. John DeLoney]

that on the table.

[Co-host]

That doesn't mean don't do it. I just want both of y' all

[Dr. John DeLoney]

clear as to what we're doing. And the best way you can support him through this is by being honest and open. And then when you agree to something, when y' all spit, shake and shake hands and high five and say, okay, till death do us part, we're in on staying. And here's what needs to change around our home. Here's what needs to change around our

[Co-host]

life, or we're going to make this big shift together. I'm not going to throw this in your face.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If it doesn't work, I'm going to say, no. No, I was fully in on this, too. And we're going to make a run at it this way, and then we're

[Co-host]

going to have markers along the way

[Dr. John DeLoney]

that say, hey, it's time for us to get out of this race and go find something else.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're just looking for clarity, and clarity requires often radical honesty. Does that make you nervous?

[Caller]

A little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Because he can't hear it or because he's going to throw it in your face or what? Why does that make you nervous?

[Caller]

I'm just not very good with confront, you know, confrontational talks or like any kind of talks like that, my brain kind of just shuts down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. My challenge to you is. Is to write it down.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I do the same. I get all jumbled up when I get emotional about something. So I've learned over the years, I write it all down.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I challenge you with one more thing? You started this call by saying how awkward you are. You're not awkward at all. Zero.

[Co-host]

Well, you've talked about you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've mentioned several ways in which you're, quote, unquote, deficient. I haven't experienced that one little bit.

[Caller]

Well, that's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to change some of your internal language towards, I'm a ride or die spouse. I'm a supportive wife, and I'm also. I love my husband enough to challenge him before he makes a mistake or so that I can be fully both feet in the boat and we're both going to row like crazy towards this new direction.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But that is not you walking around with your head down like, I'm awkward. I'm weird. I get jumbled up. It is. Yeah. I say the wrong thing sometimes. Big deal.

[Co-host]

I get overwhelmed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool. I wrote it down. We're heading in.

[Nicole]

I'm.

[Co-host]

I'm right here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm right next to you. You and me versus the world, homie. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

This is helpful at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't feel like I was helpful one bit.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, that was helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you gonna do any of what I said? Probably not.

[Caller]

Yeah. To write things down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, good.

[Co-host]

Let.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How about this?

[Co-host]

Let me know how this conversation goes

[Dr. John DeLoney]

and if your husband wants to be

[Co-host]

on the show, I'd love to talk

[Dr. John DeLoney]

to him about it.

[Co-host]

I always want somebody on a big

[Dr. John DeLoney]

career change to go towards something, not away from something, unless they just have to, because it's super abusive, because it is unmanageable, because it is taking advantage of you, taking your soul from you. But sometimes working a lot is the season we're in. Sometimes working two or three people's jobs is the season we're in. Because we have a family to support, and it is what it is, and we have to be honest with our spouse about, okay, this is something we can't change right this season or we're not willing to change this season or we're not going to change the season. So what can we create here at home. So that I walk in and we both smile because I'm home? Thanks for call, sister.

[Co-host]

We'll be right back. Finally, winter is over and spring is here. And that means it's time to rotate the old closet. The poncho, flannels and denims are going to the back of the closet, and the poncho originals in ultralights are moving forward.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Co-host]

No matter what time of year it is, I'm still wearing my poncho shirts. I've been wearing them for years. Why? Cuz they rule. They're the best. The original is that go anywhere performance shirt. It's lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying, and it's built for every part of your life. And the ultralight has that same great fit with an even lighter feel. That's why they call it the ultralight. And when it's hot like it gets here in Tennessee, how light a shirt is matters. Poncho shirts also have great stretch.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They move with you, not against you.

[Co-host]

They're light, they're soft, and somehow I don't know how they pulled this off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're super, super durable and tough.

[Co-host]

And they look sharp enough to even wear to dinner. And they're comfortable enough to wear all day. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and check out all of their styles. Get 10 bucks off your first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney Kelly, rocking the super, super, super deep V again. What's up? All right. Something cool happened. What is it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Producer Alex]

So this is from Levi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I like how you don't even respond anymore.

[Producer Alex]

Not going to.

[Co-host]

You know, contempt is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse. And eye rolling is, is a, is

[Dr. John DeLoney]

a key feature of contempt.

[Producer Alex]

Well, I'll let you read into that what you wish.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Behavior is a language, Kelly. All right, go ahead. Yes, it is.

[Producer Alex]

All right. Levi in Lynchburg writes, I was at the Valentine's weekend money and marriage getaway in 2025. I told everyone about how I betrayed my wife, my family, but specifically my wife by having an affair. I was struggling with trying to figure out how to be a good man again for her and for our son, you and the other personalities and everyone else at the getaway was very supportive and encouraged me to just keep doing the next right thing. As of today, my 30th birthday, I am 607 days sober and want to thank you and Rachel and everyone else for their continued part in my healing and in my family from the deepest, deepest part of my heart. On behalf of my family. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, that's awesome. Shout out to a brother here for staying sober and for rebuilding his marriage one brick at a time. That's awesome.

[Co-host]

Well played, my man. Love you guys. Hey, thanks for listening. See you next time on the Dr. John DeLoney Show.