I’m Sexting With a Stranger

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary: "I’m Sexting With a Stranger"
Date: July 10, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This caller-driven episode dives deeply into relationship and mental health challenges, with Dr. John Delony offering real talk and compassionate, actionable advice. The main theme centers on honesty, integrity, and rebuilding trust after betrayal, while secondary calls explore family dynamics shaken by addiction and difficult boundaries with loved ones. The host's honest, empathetic tone fosters a safe space for listeners confronting their hardest truths about marriage, guilt, and connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Call #1: Carla – Emotional Infidelity After a Car Accident

[01:13 – 16:49]

Situation Recap

• Carla calls from Richmond, VA, sharing that a minor fender bender led to exchanging information with a stranger, eventually escalating to a sexting relationship—all while she's "happily married."
• She confesses her turmoil: “I think that the only thing that's holding us back is that we're like an hour apart. And that's why I haven't physically done anything to destroy my marriage.” (Carla, 00:27)

Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Dr. Delony affirms the gravity: “You've already ended your marriage as you knew it ... Do you want to rebuild a new one with your spouse? ... How can I walk with you?” (Dr. John Delony, 02:17)
• He probes why the marriage became vulnerable to this, citing a “lifeless” co-created environment:

  “What is it about the life over the last six years that you created ... that is so lifeless that a wreck on the highway led to a text, led to you sending naked pictures ... Where a fire could even grow.”
  (Dr. John Delony, 04:51)

Root Cause Analysis

• Carla admits she feels desired for the first time in a while:

  “I guess I felt desired that I haven't felt in a while.”
  (Carla, 04:23)

• She expresses frustration with sharing household duties and feeling like a “mom” to her husband.

Dr. Delony’s Tough Love

• Stresses co-creating "aliveness" and prioritizing honesty:

  “You get to choose what this life feels like and looks like ... At some level, life happens ... Along the way, we make choices to not have aliveness in our house ... But we get to choose that life.”
  (Dr. John Delony, 06:02)

• Cautions on unrealistic Hollywood romance narratives:

  “How in God's name could you think you could find stability and connection with a guy who hit you with his car ... this is how romance starts in movies, but Hollywood's not real.”
  (Dr. John Delony, 06:46, 14:59)

Notable Quotes

• Dr. Delony’s Direct Guidance:

  “You hit delete, and you block him and you never, ever contact him again ... and then you sit down with your spouse and you let him ... be honest about, here's what happened.”
  (Dr. John Delony, 02:52)

• On Consequences:

  “Your two year old marriage is over. It does not exist anymore. You nuked it. ... Do you want to sit down with him and build a new one based on trust and aliveness and honesty or do you want to walk out the door?”
  (Dr. John Delony, 11:45)

Carla’s Struggle

• Worried about hurting or disappointing both men—especially the stranger.
• Admits: “I don't want to disappoint him. But it's like, I definitely don't want to hurt my husband.” (Carla, 13:24)
• Delony: “You already have. Now you're deciding how deep that cut’s gonna go.” (13:48)

Dr. Delony’s Closing

• Insists: “You can't have your cake and eat it, too, on this one. Like the world around you is on fire. You lit it on fire, and now you get to decide how long it burns.” (Dr. John Delony, 16:49)

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2. Call #2: Charles – Supporting a Parent Through Addiction

[21:44 – 30:20]

Situation Recap

• Charles, 22, shares about his mom’s repeated relapses and being close with his dad through those struggles. Now that he’s moved out, he feels guilty about not being there for his dad during another relapse.

Dr. Delony’s Support

• Acknowledges the deep wound: “Boys and teenagers and young men need their moms. I'm sorry.” (Dr. John Delony, 22:19)
• Notes it was never Charles’ job to carry the family burden:

  “Your dad should not have been your best friend your whole life. ... He should have been your dad.” (Dr. John Delony, 24:21)

Healing Suggestions

• Advises Charles to consciously transition his relationship with his dad into adulthood:

  “Now is a great moment for you to extend the hand back and say, no, no, like, you're important to me.” (Dr. John Delony, 28:02)

• Suggests regular breakfasts to rebuild their connection.
• Encourages Charles to release guilt and set both himself and his dad free from past burdens:

  “You telling them, hey, I want to continue our relationship as adults now ... You extending that back ... will be like water for somebody in a desert.” (Dr. John Delony, 29:05)

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3. Call #3: Single Mom – Setting Boundaries after Her Sister Berates Her Daughter

[33:06 – 43:53]

Situation Recap

• A single mom recounts how her older sister angrily confronted and cursed at her 17-year-old daughter during a family gathering. The mom wants to address this without drama but strongly protect her child.

Dr. Delony’s Coaching

• Validates her righteous courage: “But nobody's going to talk to my daughter that way ... your daughter needs to see this.” (36:30)
• Offers a script for a calm confrontation:

  “I want to honor you enough by getting your side of the story first ... if she has the courage to be honest, ... as calm a way as possible ... don’t ever swear at my daughter again ... But the calmer you remain, the more powerful and settled this conversation is.” (Dr. John Delony, 37:01–37:50)

• Emphasizes establishing boundaries—even if it means family members can’t be around:

  "The greatest gift you can give them is to say, you don’t go this far." (Dr. John Delony, 41:21)

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4. Cool Crap That Happened: Celebrating Intimacy in Marriage

[47:11 – 49:59]

• Listener “Janet” writes in celebrating her boldness in initiating intimacy with her husband, prompted by John’s past advice:

  “Sometimes you just have to make the intimacy happen. When I heard that, I sent my husband a flirty text.” (Janet, 48:22)

• Dr. Delony celebrates authentic connection and encourages couples to keep choosing each other, even in the mess of daily life.

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Memorable Quotes (with Timestamps)

• "You've already ended your marriage as you knew it, and ... the whole thing is a fantasy from an emotionally charged moment."
    (Dr. John Delony, 02:17, 03:38)
• “Your two-year-old marriage is over ... You nuked it. ... Do you want to sit down with him and build a new one based on trust and aliveness and honesty or do you want to walk out the door?”
    (Dr. John Delony, 11:45)
• “You can't have your cake and eat it, too, on this one. Like the world around you is on fire. You lit it on fire, and now you get to decide how long it burns.”
    (Dr. John Delony, 16:49)
• "Boys and teenagers and young men need their moms. I'm sorry."
    (Dr. John Delony, 22:19)
• "The greatest gift you can give them is to say you don't go this far."
    (Dr. John Delony, 41:21)
• "Say, ‘How can I love you?’ ... You will light him up like a Christmas tree if you do that."
    (Dr. John Delony, 28:18)

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Key Timestamps

• Carla’s Call:
   • 01:13 – 16:49

• Charles’ Call (Mom’s relapse, dad support):
   • 21:44 – 30:20

• Single Mom’s Call (Sister-daughter conflict):
   • 33:06 – 43:53

• Listener Letter: Spontaneous Intimacy:
   • 47:11 – 49:59

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Takeaways

• Dr. Delony’s Philosophy: There's freedom in honesty, rebuilding trust always requires facing hard truths, and intimacy—whether in marriage or in family relationships—must be proactively cultivated.
• Practical Tools: Radical honesty, emotional boundaries, and giving loved ones the respectful invitation to share their side are central to relationship repair.
• Listener Empowerment: Callers are trusted with tough love, clarity, and empathy; the goal is to empower listeners to choose integrity, even (especially) when it's hard.

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Transcript

[Carla]

I was in a minor bumper. Bumper accident, exchanged information with a stranger, which then turned into a friendly conversation. Then it turned into a sexting conversation. And I think that the only thing that's holding us back is that we're like an hour apart. And that's why I haven't physically done anything to destroy my marriage.

[Single Mom Caller]

Whoo.

[Charles]

What's up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is jon with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. So glad you're with us, talking about your marriage, your kids, your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. Pull up a seat, and we're going to figure out what's the next right move in your life. If this show means something to you, please share it with a friend. If an episode or a call, it makes a difference in your life, send it to somebody. If there's somebody you don't like and you're like, ooh, this call is going to make them feel terrible, send it to them. That'll be good. That's what Kelly likes. And like, and subscribe, all that stuff. And if you want to be on the show show, click the link in the show notes. Let's go out to Richmond, Virginia and talk to Carla. What's up, Carla?

[Carla]

Hi. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing okay. How are you?

[Carla]

Good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Carla]

So I was in a minor car bumper to bumper accident, exchange information with a stranger, which then turned into a friendly conversation. Then it turned into a sexting conversation. And I don't know what to do at the end because I'm happily married and I never would think I would do something like this. And I think that the only thing that's holding us back is that we're like an hour apart. And that's why I haven't physically done anything to destroy my marriage. But the conversation still keeps going on through the phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is like a. Like, this is like a movie you would find under, like, your neighbor's bed when you were a kid.

[Carla]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. So tell me how I can help. I don't know what the question is. Like, are.

[Charles]

Are. Are you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, you've already ended your marriage as you knew it, and, like, do you want to rebuild a new one with. With your spouse? Do you want to be with this guy? Like, how can I help? What do you want me to. How can I walk with you?

[Carla]

I want to be with my spouse, but I can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you don't.

[Carla]

Can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you want both?

[Carla]

I kind of do, but I kind of. I want more my spouse, because I love him. And I just can't find. I don't. I don't know how to end something that I never thought I would do. If that makes you hit delete and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you block him and you never, ever contact him again and receive any contact, and then you sit down with your spouse and you let him, like, be honest about. Here's what's happened.

[Carla]

What's the thing? I don't know if I could be honest with my spouse. I feel like it would. It would open up a jealousy issue or, you know, of course it should.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, how should your spouse respond?

[Carla]

Very jealous and very upset with you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if. If you don't want to tell your spouse the truth and you don't want to be honest about who you really, truly have been over this last however many months, I mean, the whole thing is not real.

[Carla]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The whole thing is a fantasy from an emotionally charged moment that led to, hey, this person was extra kind. What were the pleasantries exchanged? I gotta know.

[Carla]

I mean, it started off, you know, just like an innocent text, like, good morning, you know, how are you doing? What kind of like when you're. When you're, you know, I guess when you're dating and you're trying to figure out who the person is and everything. But you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You hit him on the highway?

[Carla]

No, he hit me on the highway. We had exchange information because I, you know, I did have some minor damage to my car.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Carla]

And then why in the world would

[Dr. John DeLoney]

that person who hit you on the highway text you the next day and say, how are you?

[Carla]

I don't know. I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what about that didn't freak you out?

[Carla]

I guess because it was nice. It sounded nice. I guess I felt desired that I haven't felt in a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He hit you with his car?

[Carla]

You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I. I would immediately have gone to this person's trying to cya because they think I'm going to sue him. That's where I would have gone. Not like, ooh, so let me, Let me back us. How long have you been married?

[Carla]

Like, two years and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, how long did y' all date before that?

[Carla]

Four years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so y' all been together for a minute. What is it about your current relationship? You know, even bigger than that. What is it about the life over the last six years that you have created for yourself that is so lifeless that a wreck on the highway led to a text, led to you sending naked pictures of yourself to him, back and forth to where that off ramp of aliveness became A place that. Where a fire could even grow. You get what I'm saying? What is it about your life that you've created and with your husband, co created, y' all have built this thing together where it. It's so lifeless that this was the injection of life that you feel like you need,

[Carla]

I guess, just going through everyday life with him, or, you know, there's like. I guess there's life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but that. But you get to choose what quote, unquote, this life feels like and looks like and what y' all do. You get to choose that. So at some level, life happens. Life gets boring for all of us, of course. Life is not like one big fireworks show. Of course. But along the way, we make choices to not have aliveness in our house, not have spark, not have fun, not have the erotic, not have spontaneity. And it's hard when you got young kids. It's hard with life just when bills keep coming. Like, I get all that, but we get to choose that life.

[Carla]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, wrap your head around this for a second. Just play this out. You sit down with your husband.

[Carla]

A.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A, you're going to have a hard conversation with him one way or the other. You're going to tell them, I'm in love with somebody else, or the idea of somebody else, this marriage is over, or you're going to sit down with him and say, I've been unfaithful. A hard conversation's common, so you just get to pick which one you want to have. But how in God's name could you think you could find stability and connection with a guy who hit you on his car and a few weeks later is sending you pics like, how can you think like, oh, that's gonna be my guy because he's just one fender bender away from hitting somebody else. I mean, from this whole thing. You know what I'm saying?

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He knows you're married.

[Carla]

He does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course he does. He knew it when he saw your insurance.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I guess I'm. I'm more concerned with not who you're going to, but I'm more concerned with the world y' all have co created that you're trying to escape from.

[Carla]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I talk. Talk back to me.

[Carla]

I mean, I guess just, you know, first year marriage, it's good. But, you know, we. We never lived together before, so living together was a difficult thing to get used to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it. What's difficult? He leaves hair hairs, little hairs in the sink. He doesn't flush. He doesn't leave it. Like, he's a jerk. He won't share the remote. Like, what. What's difficult about it?

[Carla]

He's. He's a little messy. So it's. You know, I kind of feel like a mom kind of picking up after, you know, I have to do. I guess I have to do laundry all the time. I have to clean. I mean, he helps out outside. If I ask him, you know, like, oh, can you help me with this or help me with that? But, like, inside, I guess the house is all me, and I guess that's just a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did y' all talk? It is a lot. It's. It's. It's a ton. Did y' all talk about this, or is it just kind of shifted and

[Carla]

happened this way in the beginning? I mean, I would tell him, you know, can you help me with this? Can you, you know, can you, like, pick up after yourself or, you know, when you finish, like, you know, like, you know, do the laundry when I'm not home. If I'm working in your home, do it, you know, or, you know, or help clean and everything, find stuff to do that we need to be done. But then it just kind of slowly, like, I guess I just kind of gave up, and I just now come home and I'll just do it, or if it's my day off, I'll do everything on one, you know, on my day off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I would love to express to you is that's a really normal transition to sharing a house with somebody. And the harder conversations that y' all haven't had yet are not about playing whack a mole with different chores. Because in defense of your husband, my guess is he'd probably just put on the same pair of dirty shorts again, and then the day after that, and then the day after that. And so in his defense, this. He doesn't see this as a problem, or if he's like, me when I first got married, I did the dishes. When I found myself eating cereal out of a salad bowl, I was like, oh, man, I should probably wash these. It never even entered my mind that I needed to have every dish put away, either in the dishwasher, back in the cabinet, or in the drying rack before I went to sleep every night. That wasn't even in my worldview. And so the deeper conversation is, hey, when I get home and I've been working hard all day and you've had a day off. The story. I'm telling myself the story. I'm Making up is you don't care about how I feel when I walk in the door. And he would go, oh, gosh. Because now it's not about dishes. It's about loving my wife.

[Charles]

Well,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

and that's an awkward conversation. That's a. That's a. Hey, we're building something together. How can I love you? This is how you could love me. This is what I want. I want to not be your mom. I want you to like, keep your eyes open. And by the way, when my wife and I had this conversation, our marriage was on thin, thin eyes. And it changed everything. Now I walk in the door with the intention of, is there a pile I can help pick up? Is there a. A way I could make this place a little bit nicer for my wife? It's not for me because I'm fine. And. But those conversations have to happen. The challenge is avoiding those small com. Those small tense conversations leads to. Now you're gonna have to have a really hard one because you sought aliveness, you sought excitement. You sought joy. You sought being seen secretly. Like that heart. When your heart rate. That first time you hit send on that picture, your heart was beating a th000 miles an hour, wasn't it?

[Carla]

Yeah. Yeah, a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can choose to co create that in your own home or you can seek it elsewhere, but I think you have to wrap your head around the marriage you had. Your two year old marriage is over. It does not exist anymore. You nuked it. And so do you want to sit down with him and build a new one based on trust and aliveness and honesty or do you want to walk out the door?

[Carla]

No, I want to build it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay?

[Carla]

You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is no rebuilding without complete and total honesty and trust. And that means you're going to have to sit in front of the man whose heart you've broken and whose trust you've broken and say, I'm sorry.

[Carla]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you're serious about rebuilding this. This guy who hit you from behind and wrecked your car and then turned it into a romantic thing like he doesn't even deserve a. Hey, we're not talking anymore. Like, we block everything. I'm getting rid of social media. I'm just ending this because my marriage is that important to me. Otherwise, your marriage isn't that important to you. And call it what it is. Deal with the grief that you've become somebody that you never thought you would become.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying? The solutions here are really hard, but they're relatively simple. You seem Unwilling to do the simple, hard thing. Tell me about it.

[Carla]

I, I guess I just don't know. I, I know it's simple. I could just easily block him. But I don't, I don't, I don't know why. I guess because I was. I don't want to, I don't know why. I feel like I don't want to disappoint him. You know what I mean? But it's like, I definitely don't want to hurt my husband.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You already have.

[Carla]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now you're deciding how deep that cuts gonna go.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think you need to do some soul searching on why this you're so intent on not disappointing a stranger. A guy who you don't know at all, but is the kind of guy that will prey on an awkward situation with a married woman and have no remorse about it.

[Single Mom Caller]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, this is transcended. Like if you were working with this person, you've been working together for a few years and y' all develop, y' all working on projects together and all, whatever. And you find yourself really attracted to this person and then you throw on the brakes. And what. That's one thing. This is a stranger, man. And y' all shared a moment. This, the thing about Hollywood, man. These things don't work out. And it looks like this is how romance starts.

[Carla]

It's just, it does. It felt like a movie.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Carla]

Like, you know, but movies, like, I

[Dr. John DeLoney]

mean, Hollywood's not real.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's, here's my hundred percent promise. Fast forward. End your marriage with this guy. With your, with your husband. End it. Move an hour away. Quit your job. Move an hour away and have this romantic, torrid affair. Be with him. Y' all have like the, the tension, the sexual tension y' all have built by exchanging photos back and forth. Release it. Go for it. And I promise you, within two months, you're picking up underwear again. I promise there's oatmeal left in the bottom of a pan. There's gonna be things. Or maybe he does all the inside work and won't touch a mower. Like there's gonna be life. That happens in relationships. You get what I'm saying? I have a weird. I have like a, like a strong feeling. You're not going to do any of this. You're going to try to write this out.

[Carla]

No, I, I, I don't want to because I, that's another thing I feel like that holds me back is like, I couldn't quit my Job. I couldn't. I mean, I have a family business, so it's not like I can easily just quit and move away, you know, And I'm attached to my husband's family. We're close. You know, everyone. Everyone gets along. I get along with them. And, you know, I. I feel like I couldn't. That's what holds me back so much that I couldn't just pick up and leave.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude. I mean, the more you talk, the more heartbroken I am for your husband. Because it sounds like you don't want to stay with him because you love him and you want to rebuild the marriage. It sounds like it's going to be too inconvenient for you to leave.

[Carla]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I on. On his behalf. He's on the phone. He deserves more than that. He deserves a wife that will leave a family business that will quit everything, will sell the house because she's right. Or tie with that guy not. Well, I'm kind of stuck with him because I. It's where I work also. And his aunt is nice to me and she makes good meals. Like. Your husband deserves more than that. He deserves all of you. And if you're not willing to give all of you, be honest with him about that and let him know where he stands. Because right now, here's the deal. He knows something's up, and he's probably doing one of two things. He's walking around completely withdrawing because he thinks he's failing you. He doesn't know what's happening, but he knows something's not right. He knows you flip the phone over every time. He knows your face is flushed when he walks in the room and you thought he wasn't home. Like he knows. Or he's walking around thinking that he's failing you and he's trying to figure out how to better love you, and he can't because you're not being honest with him. He deserves better than that. And you do, too. Quite frankly. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, on this one. Like the world around you is on fire. You lit it on fire, and now you get to decide how long it burns. I just ask that you be a person of integrity in the process. Thanks for the call. And thanks for letting me tell. Tell you the at least my. My version of the truth. We come back, a man asks how to support his dad during his mom's relapse without getting back into all the family chaos. I've seen the data. So many people, including you, avoid talking about life Insurance because it forces you to imagine things that you don't want to think about. It's hard and it's scary, but you got to remember this. Life insurance is not really for you. It's for the people you love and you will leave behind if the worst thing happens. I recommend term life insurance from Zander Insurance. When a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need to deal with is the financial chaos that comes on top of the deep grief. People don't always realize how much they carry for their family every day. Childcare, meals, transportation, paying bills, horizontal holding everything together. Term life insurance helps protect your family so they can focus on grieving and healing and not figuring out how they're going to keep the lights on or keep the roof over their head. I use Xander long before I had a show because I trust them. I trust them to take care of my family in the event that the worst thing happens to me. Xander makes this process simple. Their team shops top rated companies for you, helps you understand your options in plain language and helps you find coverage. And that fits your family and your budget without pressure, gimmicks, or confusion. Xander works for you, not the insurance companies. You don't need a sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Xander provides you that protection. Go to Xander.com today to get a quote. That's Xander with a Z dot com. All right. So the other day, my son and I went into a local store. We're getting some junk food and some gum, and I just wanted to buy a few things.

[Carla]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when I went to checkout, they asked for my address, for my phone number. They wanted fingerprints from me and my kid, and they wanted our Social Security numbers. They didn't really want all that, but listen, I just wanted some food and some gum and they wanted my soul. Every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. And even if you go to a store that's recognizable, they're also selling your data. They're not just selling you toasters or gum. They're also selling your data. And this is a big part of why I use and recommend delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's information, all that stuff is just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. I didn't know any of this stuff existed. And delete me will find your personal information online and they will remove it for you and. And not just one time. They keep monitoring for your information and they clean it up month after month. You can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. You cannot build a peaceful life if parts of your life are still being bought and sold online behind your back without your permission. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com SL DeLoney all right, let's go to Baltimore, Maryland and talk to Charles. What's up, Charles?

[Charles]

How's it going, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I'm. I'm doing well, brother. How are you?

[Charles]

I'm doing all right. Happy to talk to you. You've helped me through a lot, so it's an honor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm grateful, man. I appreciate you calling. What's going on, dude?

[Charles]

So I'm 22 years old and throughout my whole childhood, in my life so far, my mom has. She's been in and out of rehab, in prison, all alcohol related and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, can I. Hold on. Stop real quick. I'm. Dude, I'm sorry, man. Yeah, like, for real, I'm sorry.

[Charles]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Boys and teenagers and young men need their moms. I'm sorry.

[Charles]

Yep. Thanks. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's no good.

[Charles]

Luckily, I have a. My. Luckily, my dad has been my best friend my whole life. We've do everything together pretty much. We've always held each other's heads up through it if she would, you know, come home drunk or something. We just. Him and I would go outside and have a fire, play with the dog or we'd go kayaking or something like that. So he's always held me up through it. But what I'm struggling with now is I recently moved out. I moved in with my fiance and my mom is coming off of two and a half years sober and she's recently relapsed again. And I'm just really struggling with some guilt of not being there for my dad to help him through it like before,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

man. You're a good man, dude.

[Charles]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I've got your word that this. This generational curse stops with you, huh?

[Charles]

Yeah, I think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're going to be a different kind of parent than your mom. And even your dad, to an extent, was.

[Charles]

Yeah, I hope so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I don't hope so. Like, be that change. Okay, brother. I believe in you.

[Carla]

Yep.

[Charles]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna give you some hard truths. Is that cool?

[Charles]

That's cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think your dad Is a incredibly noble man.

[Charles]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And to have stuck it out like this is a true picture of till death do us part. Right? Sickness and in hell.

[Charles]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm going to put an and here. Okay. All dads. All moms, too. But I'll just speak to dads. All dads. When faced with challenges, relational challenges, marriage challenge, parenting challenges, we open up our toolkit and we use the tools that we got.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for our dads, that toolbox. That toolkit was limited on the number of tools. The reason I'm telling you that is your dad should not have been your best friend your whole life. You get what I'm saying? He should have been your dad. And what that means is, like, him getting you out of the house, taking you out like that is amazing and wonderful and powerful. And my fear for you is somewhere along the way, you picked up the idea that it's also your fault. I mean, also your job to help carry the house.

[Charles]

Household.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that was never. That was never your job.

[Charles]

Yeah, I definitely feel that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. And it's. And it's because you're a good man. And I think your dad tried to love you.

[Charles]

Well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he was probably a guy. He loved you well enough that I bet he wore his heartache pretty openly too, right?

[Charles]

Actually, not so much. My dad's very, very quiet and reserved.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you can see it on him.

[Charles]

Oh, absolutely. I can just. I can see it on his face. Yeah, I can always. Every day I can sit on his face. And I just. I don't know what to do because I still see him a good bit. But I mean, I. I don't sit with them like I have.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how far away do y' all live?

[Charles]

10 minutes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Perfect, dude. All right, so here's a couple of things. Number one, I want you to wreck. I want you to reconcile. This may be going to see a counselor. This may be you starting a journaling practice or something. All these things are going to feel hippie dippy to you, but I want you to recognize the. That these things are implanted in your body.

[Charles]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that is a five year old, a nine year old, a 13 year old little boy who thinks it's his job to make sure mom is okay. That was never your job.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And when you grow up trying to hug and love a ghost, which is what. That's what it feels like to a young kid whose parents struggling with addiction. They're right there. You see them on the couch, you see them on the chair. But they're not there.

[Charles]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And every kid has an internal system that says, this is my fault, that I need to fix this, I need to bridge this. And you got to know that was never your job as a kid.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The other side of this equation is your relationship with your dad. You're, you're, did you say you're 22 now? 24.

[Charles]

22.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. 22. Awesome. You're in a season where your relationship is transitioning. Okay. And what that, like, there's just this weird thing that happens when you, I, I, I, it's usually about 25. And depending on what house you grew in, sometimes it's 35 and sometimes it's 16. Right. But your relationship with him will begin to shift and change where you become peer esque. Not I'm going to tell you what to do and how to do it. You get what I'm saying?

[Charles]

Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so a really cool thing for you as a young man would be to call your dad and say, hey, I miss our time together. Would you be willing to meet me for breakfast once a week?

[Charles]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All 10 minutes apart is perfect. Go to a crummy, cool diner, go to a chain. I don't go to McDonald's. I don't care. But you reaching out to him because he's going to enter a phase now where he's going to start thinking, I don't want to bother him.

[Carla]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My son's been through enough. And I want him to have fun with his fiance. I want him to build his own life away from this crazy.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now is a great moment for you to extend the hand back and say, no, no, like, you're important to me. I've seen what a good man you've been over the years, but you, how hard you've tried. I want to spend time with you. I still value time with you.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You will light him up like a Christmas tree if you do that. And then when you're at breakfast with him, you ask him, how can I love you, man? Not what do you need? Because most men, especially older men, they don't answer that. I don't need nothing but looking at your dad and saying something very similar. I want you to start asking your fiance this. Hey, how can I love you? I know it's hard right now. And he's going to say, oh, nothing, whatever. And you could tell him, I'm going to do something. I'm going to show up and start mowing the yard unless you give me some specific things to Do.

[Charles]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But let him know I'm going to start proactively, not trying to take care of you. I don't know that he needs you to take care of him, but I'm going to start proactively, like pouring gas on our relationship. I love you, man. And if.

[Janet]

If.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If the time is right, I will tell you this. You look at your dad and you can get him to make eye contact with you, which is hard for aging fathers and aging sons. If you tell your dad, hey, you did a good job. You did a good job. You loved me. Well, in a pretty messy situation, I want you to know, as I'm entering into marriage, I see it, you did a good job. You'll set him. You'll set his soul free, brother. Okay, But I think what your dad needs more than anything is a. To be released to the burden, right? Because there may have been some seasons when he probably should have got you out of that house. And there may have been some seasons where you. He knew you were shouldering a lot of that relationship because he had to work or whatever, and he has a lot of guilt and shame over that, I promise you.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you telling them, hey, I want to continue our relationship as adult co. Adults now, right? We're both adults. I'm gonna need some marriage wisdom. I'm gonna need you in my corner in my life, man. You extending that back to him will be like water for somebody in a desert, man.

[Charles]

Yeah, I see what you mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that cool?

[Charles]

Yeah, that's cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then whatever work you got to do, brother, to free yourself from those things, if you become a people pleaser over time, if you. A lot of young. A lot of young adults whose parents were struggling with addiction find themselves pretty reactive with some deep rage and anger that comes out in weird places. Like, whatever is going on in your life, I want you to commit to doing the work. And that means going to talk to somebody. It's in the bad mouth. Your mom isn't a bad mouth, dad. This is to set yourself free so you can become the husband, the parent that you didn't have. In some cases, in some areas, you did. You got a pretty amazing example from your dad. But you and your fiance, as y' all get married, can chart your own course for what kind of marriage we want to build. And, man, set some pretty cool family values together for who you are going to be together. Yeah, man, you're on the right track, brother. It was an honor to talk to you. And yeah, set your dad free. Set him Free man. We come back, a woman asks how to address her sister about how she confronted her daughter. I love family drama. All right. This morning before I came into the studio, I was doing a consult with a physician on some blood work I just had done. We talked about some places where I can optimize and get better. And she recommended some supplements that I need to add into my stack. And what company did she name? The one company I trust, Thorne Supplements. I was first introduced to Thorne by professional athletes over a decade ago and they continue to be the main supplements I trust. For me and my family, supplements continue to be an unregulated industry. What does that mean? It means there's no accountability. It's flooded with garbage and nonsense. And most companies are out for a cash grab. They cut corners, they lie on their labels. But not Thorne. Thorne makes every one of their products. At their world class facility In South Carolina, 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control and Thorne rejects 15% of their raw materials. Because good enough is not good enough for Thorne. Thorne only deals in excellence. It's why pro athletes, Olympic teams, and more than 60,000 doctors, including mine, trust Thorne. And that's why I trust Thorne too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Go to thorne.com, the letter U/Deloney to get 25 off your order. When you create an account that's T-H-O-R-N-E.com the letter U/ Deloney. All right, let's go out and hang out with Pearl Jam in Seattle, Washington and talk to Angela. What's up, Angela?

[Carla]

Hello.

[Single Mom Caller]

So I like your advice on how to address my sister, my older sister in a situation that she confronted my 17 year old daughter a few weeks ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, awesome. What happened?

[Single Mom Caller]

So I'm a single mom to a wonderful 17 year old girl. She's the light of my life, that kid. And we had some family over visiting for the holiday and kids will be kids should. Her cousin's outside, they were all playing and she's the eldest of her cousin and they kind of started, you know, snapping back one another. You should have dah, dah, not talking obviously very nicely, but kids, kids do that. And my sister was outside with them and she got what I thought was reasonably upset about it and she told my daughter to go upstairs. And this was in front of my whole family and she's like, go upstairs, I want to talk to you. And I didn't know until later after I talked to my daughter about it, but she had a Pretty angry confrontation with my daughter and was berating her and saying really not nice things to her and even swore at her at one point. And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

nothing helps a child, especially a teenager, who you're mad at for yelling and for. For calling people names to yell and scream at them and then call them names.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What a great example.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah. I don't handle. I don't handle situations like that with my daughter. I very. Whenever she.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, because you're a mature adult.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's why.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. This situation is electric. I can feel how you're describing the story. I feel it. And by the way, I would feel the same. Okay, now let's back all the way out. Where else have you and your sister. Where else do you sit in the seat of judgment underneath your older sister?

[Single Mom Caller]

Well, everyone likes to joke and say that I'm the older sister because I'm the more mature, responsible one that makes good decisions. She does not have any children of her own.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, nice. Even better.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, She's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Her name Karen.

[Single Mom Caller]

Sometimes she can really be a Karen. But I know she loves my daughter like her own, and she's helped me through some really challenging times, and she really has taken on a role of, like a second parent. But I just felt like this really overstepped, and I want to be a good example for my daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Single Mom Caller]

Everything I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Well, let me assure you, you are. Because you've had a hard row, huh?

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Like, your daughters got to see in real life what a strong, powerful, loving, single mom looks like. What a. What a great example on how to be a good woman. And the fact that you're calling and you know, I want to do this. Right. But nobody's going to talk to my daughter that way.

[Carla]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is. Is awesome. And your daughter needs to see this. Okay.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you. If your relationship is strong enough, is. Is bonded. Enough is the nerd word, then you can sit down with your sister and say, hey, I need to hear what happened the other day. Because I talked to my daughter and she told me that you said some pretty wild things, and I want to honor you enough by getting your side of the story first.

[Carla]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you come at her that calm and not accusing, but inviting, I want to hear your side. I know my daughter told me her side, but I want to give you. I want to honor you enough to hear your side and to be able to say. If she has the courage to be honest and say, yeah, I use profanity. I swear at your kid, I did this. I couldn't believe she was saying these things or whatever, then in as calm a way as possible, if you're able to say, don't ever swear at my daughter again.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And don't embarrass my daughter in front of our family again. Or here's a better way to handle this. Or when that happens, here's how I do this. But give her a path. But the calmer you remain, the more powerful and settled this conversation is.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Charles]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's hard.

[Single Mom Caller]

My sister can be very overpowering with everyone in the family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Single Mom Caller]

And so it's very hard to comfort her sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's where getting away and saying I need to hear your side of the story. And if she storms out then and she throws a fit and she's embarrassed about what she did or she's indignant, she thinks she's right.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're still able to a know whether I need to draw a boundary. You're not gonna, I'm just gonna ask you to not communicate with my daughter because you, you can't control yourself.

[Carla]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have an older sister. I know how hard this conversation would go. Right. And I, I also know like the thought of telling my older sister, you can't be around my kids would devastate me. It would hurt them. But they're, I mean, they're my kids.

[Carla]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then your 17 year old's gonna feel guilt. I shouldn't have told mom. I should have just dealt with it because now they're in a whole thing and she needs to be affirmed that you did the right thing.

[Charles]

Yeah.

[Single Mom Caller]

I just don't. I want to teach her that she doesn't have to walk on eggshells around my sister. That for the longest time it's sort of how I felt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the hard thing. Here's the hard thing. She might have to walk on eggshells around your sister.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the harder lesson will be we as strong relational, like women, we don't walk on eggshells. And so that means we have to draw some pretty hard boundaries even when it's hard. But I don't want to have to walk. You're not going to walk on eggshells in your own home. You're going to be able to be silly and goofy and talk trash with your cousins because that's what cousins do. What else, why else do you have cousins? Except for that.

[Single Mom Caller]

Right, Exactly. And that's why we, we. Well, other adults, my, like my brother and sister in law were there. We were like, what happened? Like they're just being kids. I don't understand what. Why you needed to have blow up like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did anybody confront her?

[Carla]

My daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did anybody confront her?

[Single Mom Caller]

No. She ended up actually leaving the house. She left my house and went back home. And it was actually her birthday weekend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Single Mom Caller]

We were supposed to be there celebrating her and spending time with her, and she got so upset, and I guess was looking for validation from the rest of us, and we all kind of looked at her like, what are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is she?

[Single Mom Caller]

She's 40. Oh, my gosh. 49. She just turned 49.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I flip this whole thing around? And you know her better than me by a million miles.

[Carla]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know her from the man of the moon, but could it be that she's knocking on the door of 50 and she's seeing her brothers and her sisters and their families, and this birthday got real heavy real fast.

[Carla]

It's very possible.

[Single Mom Caller]

We've had a lot of, like, big life events and not great life events recently, so we're all under a great deal of pressure, and it's been very stressful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so maybe sitting down with her and saying, hey, I talked to my daughter, and sounds like like, you took her upstairs and you had a big blow up. This isn't you. What happened? What's going on?

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you're like, no, no, this is her. This has been her forever. So, I mean.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah, but I. I think. I think you just want to touch too far.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Carla]

This time.

[Single Mom Caller]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when somebody's out of control,

[Single Mom Caller]

the

[Dr. John DeLoney]

greatest gift you can give them is to say that you don't go this far. And whether she pushes back, she gets indignant, she yells, she fights, Whatever it may be, the greatest gift she could ever receive right now is a really firm boundary. You will not curse at my child

[Single Mom Caller]

because I put. I put myself in that situation. If I needed to reprimand my nephews, I would never have gone that far.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. But that's where, like, to get to the. To get to the root of this thing. Letting your sister know in. At the beginning of the conversation. This doesn't sound like you. It sounds like you got other things going on. I'm your sister. What's going on? And that conversation will, like, I'm going through this. I don't have any kids, was dating somebody, and we just broke up. Mom and dad are sick. Whatever. That will lead y' all to a path where y' all are getting closer and closer, connected, where you will have all I Mean, you have all the room in the world anyway, but it will allow you to have the hard conversation, which is, hey, you really embarrassed my daughter.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And nobody's allowed to swear at my daughter. I don't care how mad you are.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah, I. I don't do that. It took a lot. My daughter went through a troubling time, and we worked through a lot of stuff, and my sister did see all of that happen. But my daughter and I have only grown much closer over the last four years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Single Mom Caller]

And. And I don't know if maybe some of that is how my sister feels as well. Maybe she's a little envious of our relationship because we're really close.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Possibly.

[Carla]

But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's the thing. I wouldn't spend one ounce of energy trying to get in your sister's head and figure out why she did what she did.

[Single Mom Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would give her an invitation to explain it.

[Carla]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you, as a more regulated adult, saying, this isn't you. What's going on? Or, I've never seen, like. I've never seen you blow up on my daughter like that. And that doesn't sound like you. What's going on.

[Charles]

It.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, that might. That's the most compassionate path back. And if she's like, I don't know what you're talking about. She was doing this and this, and then that's when you can know. All right, I'm gonna stop this conversation. You cannot talk to my daughter that way, and you will never swear at her again. Or you're choosing to not be in communication with her.

[Carla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And, like, you'll know. I'm. I'm ending this back and forth. Here's the. Here's the bottom line. And, you know, she's. If she's emotionally unregulated, she's going to be all over the place. And you can't control her response to your adult boundaries. And it's not. I. I think people all over the country are weaponizing boundaries these days. Like, oh, you raise your eyebrow when I walked in, or one time when you were seven, you. I think it's kind of gotten madness. But nobody's going to curse at my kid. Nobody's gonna embarrass my child, especially when they're just being goofy kids. And if you are an adult and you need to correct my kids and you are in my circle and you're. I've given you permission to do that. Do it respectfully, do it privately, do it directly, do it in a way that's going to help not make you feel powerful, but a way that's going to correct the behavior and empower the kid to go do better next time. And so you're not only well within your rights, you're on top of it and you're showing your daughter, I'm with you. Ride or die. But we're not going to walk on eggshells in the house. And that may mean that certain people aren't allowed in the house, but we're all going to be connected together because we're in a family. We're in relationship. Well done, sister. There's hard conversation ahead, but I would start with an invitation. And remember, facts are your friends, tell the truth. And as regulated as you could be, the calmest person is the most rooted person here. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Summer is a time when people escape. They escape work, they escape school. They escape the rigors of quote unquote, their regular life, whether it's relaxing or going on vacation. We've been sold a lie that if we could just get away from it all, everything in our lives will magically work themselves out. But here's the thing. A vacation won't fix what you won't face. If you're anxious, burned out, or struggling, those problems will be waiting for you when you get home. And this is why I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that fits into your life wherever you happen to find yourself. You can talk with a licensed therapist by phone, video or messaging from anywhere. No commuting, no sitting in a waiting room. Just a safe place to process what's actually going on in your life. And you want to build a life that you don't have to escape from. All of BetterHelp's therapists follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists anytime for no extra cost. This summer, don't ignore what's coming up to the surface. Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is stop running from it and start turning and facing it. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly in the hot pink. Burning off my rods and cones a little bit. Looks good. Some days I just want to know what's going on at your house in the morning. It's just you come come to work and you're just like feeling it. It's awesome.

[Janet]

It's just a shirt that I put on this morning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, right.

[Janet]

All right, so I have a cool crap that happened from a listener that asked me not to use her name. So we won't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's call her Kelly.

[Janet]

I'm good with that because this is a great email.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, never mind. Let's call her Janet.

[Janet]

All right, Janet. Janet writes, important to note that we have a three year old and a three month old at home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, geez.

[Janet]

Our intimate time has been hard to come by recently. I was listening to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, can we pause real quick? My favorite thing is. The word intimate is like a word that is like all encompassing. Right. But it's also used and not to throw shade, but particularly people in faith based communities as a substitute for the word sex. And it's like we had a three year old and a three month old. We know you've done it at least twice, right? Like we know you can just say it. But anyway. But like the.

[Janet]

At some point though, probably any intimate time has been hard to come by. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not talking, we're not making eye contact. I don't know what day it is.

[Janet]

Yeah, I haven't showered. Nothing's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So shout out, Janet. Yes, the intimate time.

[Janet]

So she said. I was listening to an episode recently and John was talking about how sometimes you just have to make the intimacy happen. When I heard that, I sent my husband a flirty text. It was the day before we were leaving for vacation and we were still up at midnight trying to pack when he made a joke about having some us time. And I just said, let's go. After he said it was. He was surprised that I said yes because it was so late and we still had so much to do. So I told him about the Deloney episode I had listened to and he responded with, thank you, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're welcome.

[Janet]

Just a funny moment I wanted to share. Thank you for everything you've given us to improve our marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Dude, I love this. Sometimes you got to make it happen and sometimes call the bluff, man. I'm sure would be cool if we were making out right now. I'm in right now. You ready? And almost every time guys like, no, I have a fantasy football draft or whatever, dude, but good if you're in a good marriage, if you're in a safe marriage, no abuse, all that, yada yada, almost never do you regret and let's be honest, what the six minutes. Like you almost never regret those all right. You know what I mean? And on the other side of that, it's always like, I'm glad we did that. Or, that was funny. Or that was connecting. Or that was like, dang, I didn't see that coming. It's so good sometimes just to be like, you know what? Yep. Awesome. And good for her. Good for her for going first and being weird and sending the flirty text shout out, Janet. Awesome. Awesome. And I bet that vacation was a rockin. Probably not now the three months old. No, not at all. It was just like a paid nap.

[Janet]

But I guarantee you it was a better vacation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, for sure.

[Janet]

They were more connected.