The Dr. John DeLoney Show
Episode: I’m Still Sexually Attracted to My Ex-Wife
Release Date: May 19, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network
Introduction
In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses complex relationship dynamics and mental health challenges through real-life caller interactions. The episode delves into the lingering sexual attraction to an ex-spouse, rebuilding a strained marriage amidst depression, and overcoming long-held guilt from past infidelities. Dr. DeLoney offers compassionate insights and practical advice to help listeners navigate these emotional terrains.
Caller Segment 1: TJ – Struggling with Attraction to Ex-Wife
Timestamp: [00:05] - [05:55]
Issue Presented: TJ calls in seeking guidance on moving past his sexual attraction to his ex-wife. Despite engaging in new relationships, he finds them unfulfilling compared to his marriage of 23 years, from which he has been divorced for three years.
Key Discussions & Insights:
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Depth of Long-Term Relationships:
Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that TJ's continued attraction may stem not just from sexual desire but also from the profound emotional and intimate connection built over two decades."Married couples who are in their 40s and 50s are having the best sex. That's because they know each other deeply and have a safety and relational stability."
[03:15] -
Transition from Marriage to Hookups:
The conversation highlights the challenge of shifting from a committed, intimate partnership to casual relationships, which often feel superficial in comparison."You're hooking up with people, and that's a show. You're doing your greatest hits, so that can be exhausting because you're not being you."
[04:48] -
Grieving and Letting Go:
Dr. DeLoney advises TJ to fully grieve the end of his marriage, acknowledging the pain and depth of his past relationship to prevent it from overshadowing new relationships."Pause for a minute, grieve that thing fully. Get your gang and then date somebody new and be open."
[10:21] -
Accepting the Past and Embracing the Future:
The host encourages TJ to honor his past while consciously choosing not to compare new partners to his ex-wife, fostering a mindset of moving forward."Honor what was you loved her and if you believe you did right by her for 20 plus years, then honor that. Exhale, drop your shoulders."
[11:22]
Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney underscores the importance of internal resolution and emotional closure. By grieving the past and embracing new relationships without baggage, listeners like TJ can find peace and fulfillment in their romantic lives.
Caller Segment 2: Nicole – Rebuilding Her Marriage Amidst Depression
Timestamp: [20:19] - [41:05]
Issue Presented: Nicole reaches out seeking advice on rebuilding her marriage after struggling with depression for five years. Her depression impacted household responsibilities, leading to strained trust and consideration of divorce by her husband.
Key Discussions & Insights:
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Impact of Depression on Marriage:
Nicole shares how her untreated depression led to neglecting household chores, causing tension and diminishing her husband’s trust."I've been struggling with depression... keeping our house clean was getting neglected."
[20:38] -
Progress Through Counseling:
She notes significant improvement after seeking counseling and working on her mental health, leading to a cleaner home and better family relationships."I've been in counseling, and God has been helping me for the last three months, healing and growing."
[22:25] -
Strategies for Rebuilding Trust:
Dr. DeLoney provides actionable steps for rebuilding trust, such as open communication, setting realistic expectations, and engaging in joint activities to strengthen the marital bond."Do it weekly. Talk about your money, talk about your sex life, and commit to each other to not use the word 'you'."
[35:05] -
Addressing Childhood Influences:
The conversation touches on how childhood experiences with parents struggling with depression can affect adult relationships and self-perception."For a child, children do so much to try to stay connected when a parent is struggling. You did that your whole childhood."
[26:01] -
Practical Exercises for Healing:
Nicole is guided through exercises like journaling negative self-talk and physically symbolizing the release of guilt, helping her move forward emotionally."Buy a cinder block, duct tape it, carry it around until you can’t, then throw it on the ground. I forgive you."
[30:15]
Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the necessity of mutual effort and understanding in healing a marriage affected by depression. By fostering open dialogue, respecting each other's struggles, and practicing forgiveness, couples like Nicole and her husband can rebuild a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Caller Segment 3: Heather – Overcoming Guilt from Past Affair
Timestamp: [44:03] - [51:00]
Issue Presented: Heather calls in to discuss the lingering guilt from an affair she had at age 21. Recently contacted by her former partner, she confessed to her husband, seeking to alleviate her burden of secrecy and shame.
Key Discussions & Insights:
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Long-Term Guilt and Secrecy:
Heather reveals that the affair has haunted her for years, impacting her self-worth and relationship with her husband."I've been carrying around some guilt about it, like it's a horrible thing to do."
[45:06] -
Confession and Husband’s Reaction:
After confessing to her husband, Heather struggles with his stoic response, unsure if she has truly alleviated her guilt."He was kind of stunned... he doesn't really want to think about it."
[47:00] -
Understanding the Source of Guilt:
Dr. DeLoney explores the root of Heather’s guilt, distinguishing between the act itself and the prolonged secrecy that exacerbates her emotional burden."The intensity of the guilt is more around keeping this big secret from your husband rather than the affair itself."
[49:27] -
Exercises for Letting Go:
Heather is advised to engage in symbolic acts to release her guilt, such as carrying a weighted object to represent her burden and then discarding it."Carry it around until you can’t, then throw it on the ground. I forgive you."
[37:00] -
Rebuilding Trust Through Transparency:
Emphasizing honesty and open communication, Dr. DeLoney encourages Heather to lay all secrets on the table to rebuild trust with her husband."Make sure the secrets are all out. Because if you go forward and you still have shadows, it just makes it hard to see."
[41:10]
Conclusion: Dr. DeLoney provides Heather with strategies to overcome her deep-seated guilt by fostering transparency and forgiveness. By addressing past actions openly and practicing self-forgiveness, individuals like Heather can move past their mistakes and heal their relationships.
Key Takeaways:
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Emotional Closure is Essential: Whether dealing with lingering attraction, depression, or past infidelities, achieving emotional closure is crucial for personal healing and moving forward.
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Open Communication Builds Trust: Transparent and honest conversations are fundamental in rebuilding and strengthening relationships strained by past issues.
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Practical Exercises Aid Healing: Engaging in symbolic acts, such as journaling and physical representations of letting go, can facilitate the emotional release necessary for healing.
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Mutual Effort is Paramount: Rebuilding relationships requires dedication and effort from both parties, emphasizing the importance of teamwork and shared commitment.
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Self-Forgiveness is Key: Forgiving oneself is a critical step in overcoming guilt and shame associated with past actions, enabling individuals to embrace a healthier future.
Notable Quotes:
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On Long-Term Relationships:
"Married couples who are in their 40s and 50s are having the best sex... because they know what makes your toenails curl."
[03:15] -
On Grieving the Past:
"Pause for a minute, grieve that thing fully. Get your gang and then date somebody new and be open."
[10:21] -
On Rebuilding Trust:
"Do it weekly. Talk about your money, talk about your sex life, and commit to each other to not use the word 'you'."
[35:05] -
On Letting Go of Guilt:
"Carry it around until you can’t, then throw it on the ground. I forgive you."
[37:00]
Conclusion
In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney addresses deep-seated emotional issues affecting relationships, providing listeners with empathetic guidance and actionable steps toward healing and rebuilding. Through understanding, communication, and self-forgiveness, individuals can navigate their mental health challenges and cultivate healthier, more fulfilling relationships.