Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?"

The Dr. John Delony Show hosted by Ramsey Network delves deep into the intricate challenges of relationships and mental health. In the episode titled "Is It Too Late to Save My Marriage?" released on February 12, 2025, Dr. John Deloney addresses multiple callers grappling with severe marital and personal issues. This detailed summary captures the essence of each caller's plight, the insightful guidance provided by Dr. Deloney and his co-host, and the overarching themes of healing and reconciliation.

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1. Reconciliation After Gambling Addiction

Caller: Jim from San Francisco
Timestamp: 00:24 - 20:07

Jim reaches out seeking advice on reconciling with his wife after confessing a seven-year gambling addiction that culminated in significant financial loss. With three young children and his wife being a stay-at-home mother, Jim has been juggling multiple jobs to support the family. The revelation of his addiction led to their separation, divorce filings, and ongoing legal proceedings.

Key Points:

• Acknowledgment of Inner Transformation: Jim has been actively attending recovery meetings, securing a sponsor, and witnessing personal growth, including becoming a more present father and improving financial stability.

• Challenges in Reconciliation: Despite his efforts, Jim faces the harsh reality that reconciliation may be unlikely. Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of facing reality rather than clinging to hopes of his wife returning.

• Actionable Steps: Dr. Deloney advises Jim to have a direct and honest conversation with his wife, expressing his desire to reconcile, even if the outcome is uncertain. He underscores the necessity of seeking peace for his own well-being, independent of external validations like being a better parent or partner.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Deloney (03:49): "Now can we go out to San Francisco?"
• Caller Jim (03:31): "How can I reconcile with my wife because she's divorced."

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2. Emotional Struggles with a Third Pregnancy

Caller: Eleanor from Augusta, Georgia
Timestamp: 23:01 - 41:06

Eleanor shares her emotional turmoil upon discovering she is pregnant with her third baby girl. Having faced challenging pregnancies with her first two children, Eleanor fears the impending strain of another child with severe infantile reflux. Her deep-rooted desire for a boy adds to her distress, fostering feelings of disappointment and grief.

Key Points:

• Grieving Unmet Expectations: Eleanor battles with the reality that her envisioned family dynamic is changing, leading to feelings of loss and unspoken sadness about not having a boy.

• Impact on Mental Health: The cumulative stress from multiple tough pregnancies and postpartum depression intensifies her anxiety about the future.

• Healing Through Expression: Dr. Deloney encourages Eleanor to write letters to her unborn son and daughter as a means to process her grief and realign her emotional outlook.

• Support Systems: Emphasis is placed on strengthening support networks, including connecting with other women and engaging in open communication with her husband.

Notable Quotes:

• Eleanor (23:46): "I'm not excited about having another baby girl."
• Dr. John Deloney (29:00): "The picture was different."

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3. Coping with Witnessing a Neighbor’s Suicide

Caller: Nicole from Tucson, Arizona
Timestamp: 44:26 - 59:25

Nicole describes the traumatic experience of witnessing her neighbor commit suicide, an event that has left her and her young son struggling with lingering anxiety. Despite seeking therapy, Nicole finds it difficult to move forward, haunted by the vivid memories of the incident.

Key Points:

• Trauma and Anxiety: The sudden and shocking nature of the event has embedded deep-seated anxiety, making Nicole feel unsafe even in her own home.

• Impact on Family: While her son has benefited from therapy, Nicole continues to grapple with intense fear and intrusive thoughts related to the incident.

• Therapeutic Techniques: Dr. Deloney introduces Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) techniques, urging Nicole to confront and reframe her traumatic memories through written expressions and proactive mental exercises.

• Building a Support Network: The importance of establishing a stable and proximal support system is highlighted, especially for individuals who frequently relocate and lack deep-rooted community ties.

Notable Quotes:

• Nicole (44:56): "I can't seem to get past it."
• Dr. John Deloney (47:04): "This won't be something you quote, unquote, get past."

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4. Navigating Conflicts with a Young Daughter

Caller: Jennifer
Timestamp: 61:06 - 65:56

Jennifer seeks advice after her 22-year-old daughter canceled Thanksgiving plans, causing familial tensions. The daughter, amidst academic pressures and the responsibilities of a first-time mom, withdrew abruptly, leading to conflicts over holiday plans and feelings of neglect towards aging parents with dementia.

Key Points:

• Generational Disconnect: The age gap and differing life stages between Jennifer and her daughter contribute to misunderstandings and unmet expectations.

• Parenting Young Adults: Dr. Deloney addresses the challenges of parenting a young adult who is making significant life decisions, emphasizing the importance of letting go and accepting their autonomy.

• Communication Strategies: The hosts advocate for direct and compassionate communication, urging Jennifer to refrain from holding grudges and instead focus on understanding and respecting her daughter's choices.

• Emotional Boundaries: Establishing healthy emotional boundaries is recommended to prevent recurring conflicts and to foster a supportive relationship despite disagreements.

Notable Quotes:

• Jennifer (61:06): "I feel like they should have planned better..."
• Dr. John Deloney (63:02): "You’re the one that they made their decision."

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Conclusion

Throughout the episode, Dr. John Deloney and his co-host provide empathetic and pragmatic advice tailored to each caller's unique situation. The overarching themes emphasize the significance of facing harsh realities, the necessity of honest communication, and the importance of self-healing. By addressing severe personal and relational challenges, the show offers listeners actionable strategies to navigate their own adversities with resilience and hope.

Closing Thoughts: Dr. Deloney reinforces the idea that while some relationships may reach a point of no return, personal growth and self-forgiveness are crucial for moving forward. The episode serves as a testament to the complexities of human relationships and the enduring quest for reconciliation and inner peace.

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Notable General Quotes:

• Dr. John Deloney (14:04): "You have to do this for your spirit, for your soul, for your chest, for your who."
• Co-host (16:44): "Conflict deferred is conflict amplified."

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This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show offers profound insights into the struggles of maintaining and repairing relationships amidst personal crises. Whether dealing with addiction, unexpected pregnancies, traumatic events, or generational conflicts, listeners gain valuable perspectives and practical advice to foster healing and growth.

Transcript

[Rachel Cruz]

Money and marriage getaway. The greatest marriage retreat on the planet is back this fall. I want you to spend three days laughing, connecting and growing with your spouse with me and Rachel Cruz in Nashville, Tennessee on November 6th through the 8th. Get your [e-mail] events.

[Caller]

How can I reconcile with my wife? After revealing my gambling addiction, I revealed her how much money I lost, which was a six figure amount since pretty much as a volcano rage erupt. As you know with addictions, the last year or so just was absolute hell.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, it sounds like for a year. And I can be out of line here. You may be through with the past.

[Co-host]

But the past is not through with you.

[Caller]

What up?

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's going on? It's 2025. Welcome back to the Dr. John Deloney Show. I'm John. I'm a dad. I'm a husband.

[Co-host]

I'm trying to figure it out. All right. Alongside each and every one of you. Some of you aren't dad. Some of your moms, some of you are just brothers, sisters, just dudes. Some of you are Ben, the guy. I don't know Ben. You just look like a awesome guy making it happen.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thanks. And can we shout out Sarah, the.

[Co-host]

Editor of the show, had the first case of natural triplets I've ever heard of. She had them. And I say natural like she just didn't have ivf, like.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller]

She got pregnant or any kind of.

[Co-host]

You're gonna have three. But I think what's important to call.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Out is she had all three babies.

[Co-host]

On my birthday, which I think shows incredible team dedication.

[Caller]

And one of them is named Benjamin after me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Obviously she didn't. I didn't even check. She didn't go with the John.

[Caller]

No, there's no John. But there's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How does that make you feel?

[Caller]

She had him on your birthday, though.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, yeah, that's kind of a.

[Co-host]

Flex, but she clearly doesn't value her job.

[Dr. John Deloney]

She didn't name one of them. She had three of them. Does she name the daughter Kelly?

[Caller]

No, Adeline.

[Co-host]

That's way.

[Caller]

It's way prettier.

[Co-host]

Both names are beautiful.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's go out to San Francisco.

[Caller]

Okay, wait. We can't just blow past by what happened over the holidays.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What happened?

[Caller]

We hit a million.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, we got a million. We did it.

[Caller]

Are amazing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We did it. Yes, yes, yes. We did it.

[Co-host]

Sorry, man.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There's a lot that happened.

[Co-host]

It was a wild holiday in the Deloney house. And I was like, oh, no, what does she know? What does she know? What does she know?

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, it's. Yeah, dude, we hit a million. It was so great.

[Co-host]

And 1000% of this is because of you, the listener.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thank y'all so much for being in our gang. And one of my favorite things in.

[Co-host]

The world is being all across the country meeting somebody and them shaking my hand and saying one of the OG17. And that makes my heart feel so.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Cool that that means you've been with.

[Co-host]

Us for a long time. But, man, we hit the million mark and we're just getting rolling, which is awesome. As the great limb Biscuit once said, we're just rolling, rolling, rolling.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Now can we go out to San Francisco? You may. Awesome. Let's talk to Jim. What's up, Jim in San Francisco.

[Caller]

Hi, good morning. Happy New Year.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You too, man. Happy New Year. What's going on?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah. Well, I just wanted to say I've been listening to your show for about a month, and I really apprec. How perceptive you are and your empathy and Congratulations on the 1 million mark. Just heard that right now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, thank you, brother. I appreciate it. And welcome to our cult. And we'll send you some. We'll send you a jug of Kool.

[Co-host]

Aid here when you get off the phone.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up, brother? How can I help, man?

[Caller]

Yeah, so we'll start with the question and we'll dig a little deeper. So the question is, how can I reconcile with my wife after revealing my gambling addiction, which was back in December of 2023, and work in recovery for over a year now?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Caller]

Yeah, so we'll start with the 30,000 foot view. So I'm 47 years old. I was a compulsive gambler from 2017 to 2023, so about seven years, which I hid for my wife. Sports gambling was the game of choice. I've been a casual gambler for a good portion of my life, probably since middle school. There's small amounts of, like, office pools, fantasy sports, side bets, March madness, stuff like that, occasional trips to Vegas. I revealed the addiction to my wife in December 2023. As I already mentioned, a letter came from one of my personal lenders, and she was questioned about it. And so I. It was pretty much as a volcano ready to erupt, as you know, with addictions. Like, the last year or so just was absolute hell with all these things coming in the mail. And I was like hiding and making up all these stories. I revealed her how much money I lost, which was a six figure AM and some other financial misgivings. We have three small children they're ages 8, 5 and 2. Boy, girl, girl. My wife has not worked in 10 years, so I pretty much work two jobs. I work as an educator down in the Bay Area, but my family lives up in Sacramento, so I can explain that situation in a little bit as we dig deeper. My wife is an amazing stay at home mother. She runs a phenomenal household, but again, she's not worked in nearly a decade. She was devastated when I revealed all this to her. I lied to her often. I was not present as a father. And she actually did question me about this back in February 2022. So. And I kind of made some stories and said, okay, well, yeah, I was gambling, but I broke even. And you know, just, you know, you lie as you do when you're in addiction and then, well, the survival mode for quite some time. And then of course, you know, the anxiety, all those things to start building up in you. But yeah, and again, we've been married for a little over 10 years, but we've been separated for the past year. I've been going to ga. I went to GA right after I revealed the addiction to her in December of last of 2023.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Real quick, why. Why are you separated?

[Caller]

So. So she filed for divorce in January 21, 2024. So after a few weeks, after I revealed the gambling addiction to her, she initially said that we were going to work as a team, but I guess just after a few days when she saw just all the stuff had done and all the debts and the lies, she just. And there were some previous ruptures in the marriage.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I was gonna say there's. There's almost always in this case, this.

[Co-host]

For whatever reason, I mean, I can guess some reasons I can speculate, but gambling addiction revelations have.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There's.

[Co-host]

Often the spouse responds differently than like multiple affairs or even drug or alcohol addiction. So that tells me there was probably maybe not, but probably other things going on in your marriage for a long time.

[Caller]

There was.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And as anyone who struggles with addiction.

[Co-host]

For seven years of any kind.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It.

[Co-host]

Like when you reveal that right then.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Your wife almost like I think of like. You ever seen Star Wars 1?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Co-host]

You're from the Bay Area. You probably all watch that show.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That was a, that was a very.

[Co-host]

Generalized statement I just made about all the tech guys. But they all watched.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But there's that scene at the very end when the, when the, when the TIE fighters go down to get the Death Star and everything just goes. And when somebody's with somebody in.

[Co-host]

In. In addiction. And I always imagine that scene like, as all these lights just go by in their last years, go in reverse, and they're like, oh, my gosh. Like, everything becomes clear in that moment. You get what I'm saying? And there has to have been other stuff going on.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Were you abusive?

[Caller]

No. No, not at all. No physical abuse? No verbal abuse? I'm like, probably the nicest guy you'll ever meet. But I. I do have an issue with avoidance. I do keep things to myself. Just. You know, there was other. I. I mean, kind of tell you some other things, like, I would unilaterally make financial decisions without my wife. There were other financial issues, like involving my parents. I didn't tell my wife. That created some hardship for us when we had to buy a house. I mean, I can get into more of those details if you want to, but. But there were. Yeah. I mean, she didn't feel she was. She was an equal or as a partner with other financial decisions.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I think it's. I think it's way deeper than that. I mean, it's one of those moments that she knows something's not right for.

[Co-host]

A long, long time. And when you put on the table, it's like, oh, my gosh, this is not. He's not who I thought he was. Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then. So she files for divorce, but I guess y'all didn't go through it. I guess she held well so that.

[Caller]

She hired an attorney around this time last year. And then. And she told me she wanted to have this meeting with her father and her sister was on a Sunday afternoon. And then I just thought we were talking about finances. And then she hits me with divorce. And then. And then, of course, I was, like, begging, pleading. And then she's like, yeah, but it's not just the gambling. It's all the other things that, you know, you. Yeah. You've never been honest with me. Well, not never, but many times you've not been honest with me. You've stonewalled me. Lack of communication, lack of transparency, emotional insecurity. Those are a lot of some of the other deeper things that have been going on. But. Yeah, then a few days later, I got sort of papers. And then we've been kind of going through the process, but, you know, we're now in a nesting arrangement with our kids. So, as I said, I work down in the Bay Area, but they live up in Sacramento. So I'm down here four or five days a week. I stay with my parents. Then I go back to my house on Friday night. And then my wife leaves, and she Stays with her family, lives up there. She stays at either her parents or sister's house, and I'm with the kids on Saturdays. And then she comes back Sunday. Then I. We just kind of do it all over again. That's kind of the hamster wheel we've been on. And, you know, she has, obviously, you know, when you go through the process, there's a financial disclosure, all these things. So I gave her everything back in the summer. She's had a few months to look at it, and then. But, you know, it's a lot of stuff. Right. I mean, it's many years of financial documents to look through, and I guess they can't make sense of it. So she reached her attorney, reached out to my attorney and said, like, hey, can we have a settlement hearing? And our settlement hearing, Interestingly, is on January 21st of this year, so exactly a year after. So we have a hearing coming up.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Your original question?

[Caller]

My original question, yes. How can I reconcile with my wife because she's divorced.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You. You're in, like. If you're. You're the tail end of a proceeding.

[Caller]

We're the tail end of proceeding. Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So it's. I mean, it sounds like for a year, like. And, man, I hate to link these.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I can be out of line here.

[Caller]

Sure, Go ahead, please.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But one of the. One of the telltale signs of someone who is falling off a cliff into gambling addiction is an inability to recognize.

[Co-host]

A loss in progress.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I feel like you're experiencing this in real time. I mean, do you have any indication on planet Earth at all that your wife is doing anything other than progressing at a somewhat rapid clip these days.

[Co-host]

With how long divorces take.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

For a settlement hearing? One calendar year. That's not.

[Co-host]

That's not super slow.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So, man, like, I. It feels like you're spending a lot of energy trying to figure out how to solve this thing, and the thing has a period at the end of.

[Co-host]

It, as far as she's concerned, as.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Far as her attorney, as far as your turn.

[Co-host]

I mean, everybody's got a period at the end of it but you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it sounds like you're not living in that reality yet. Am I off?

[Caller]

Kind of. I mean, I. I will say I have experienced. I mean, the year 2024 was a. Was in some way, obviously, a challenging year, but a good year in the sense that I did experience a lot of character change, you know, by going to, you know, I tend three or four meetings per week.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's amazing.

[Rachel Cruz]

I'm super proud of you, by the way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's awesome.

[Co-host]

It's awesome.

[Caller]

And I got a sponsor a few months ago. I read literature. I'm a more present dad than I was before where I'd, like, not pay attention to. My kids will be on my phone looking at, you know, sports stats or things like that. Income's gone up by 32%. Debt's gone down. I've been my wife, and we do work well together with the finances, with the house, with the kids, with the education. So we've been communicating well with that. And, you know, we're in the house at the same time many times because, you know, we are in the nesting arrangement. And, you know, again, like, it's just.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Have you taken her to coffee and said, do you want to still be my wife?

[Caller]

I've not done that. No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Anything other than that is you creating a fantasy and really trying to hang.

[Co-host]

On to it tightly.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And short of that hard conversation, because here's the other deal. You might get the. The terrifying clarity that you've been trying to avoid for a year, probably.

[Caller]

Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you maybe she's like, yeah, I've been waiting for you to ask. I. I don't know. Another thing to do. Y'all are being civil. Y'all acting like adults, which I'm super proud of you. You're working your butt off to change who you are, like, from the inside out, man. To heal. That's amazing. And there's still this humongous blind spot. There's that old. It's one of the most haunting movie lines I can ever remember.

[Co-host]

It's from the movie Magnolia. Paul Thomas Anderson movie.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it just repeats throughout the film. You may be through the past, but.

[Co-host]

The past is not through with you.

[Caller]

Oh, I like that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You may be a radically different man on the road to transforming everything. And yet, seven years plus the dating.

[Co-host]

Relationship you had with your wife, the consequence of that may. May go with you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I think. I think the bigger challenge is that you not become one of these guys in recovery who are only doing it for some other outcome because you know.

[Co-host]

That you know those guys, and it doesn't work.

[Caller]

Right. Right. I see a lot of people relapse, and I have to do this for myself, I guess, and all about my personal growth because, you know, I have to be a better version of myself. If I do want to be a better father, better partner to either my wife or someone else down the road, I have to be. It has to start with me. And I have to want, really motivated.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Listen, Jim, those two things are external. And if you've listened to this show for five seconds, you know, I'm pretty obsessive about people being good parents, about people being good marriage partners. But you have to go through this process because you deserve peace, right? Not so that you can be a better dad and be a better this. Those are external metrics. You've got to do this for your spirit, for your soul, for your chest, for your who. Otherwise, you're just getting on another treadmill and another treadmill and another treadmill.

[Caller]

No, I agree. I mean, it's. I will say I was riddled with anxiety the last year and a half after my wife had some questions about it, about two years prior to the revelation of how bad it really was. This is back in February 2022. That time frame until December 2023. Yeah. No, it was hell. And I am more at peace. You know, they have that serenity prayer, you know, when you go to the meetings where they talk about the serenity to accept the things you cannot change. The courage to change things you can, was to know the difference. And that really sticks with me because I do feel less anxious now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you're less anxious because you had your catharsis, right? You lance the boil, right? You got.

[Co-host]

You open the infection up so it could.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It could drain.

[Co-host]

And that always feels better.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But my fear is you're. You have done all this work and you're like, look, look, look, look, look, look. Assuming or expecting that she's going to go, you're right.

[Caller]

True. Yeah. I would agree.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I think you've got to make space in your sobriety for staying sober. When she says, I'm buying you out of this house, my dad's writing you.

[Co-host]

A check, you're not welcome here anymore.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When she says, I've met somebody else, you've gotta. You've gotta. You've gotta have a space for sobriety there. Because there's nothing in your story that tells me anything other than y'all are heading for a mediation on the 21st.

[Co-host]

A settlement, and your attorney is going to recommend you write her a check and everybody move on. Do you hear what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah. No. I mean, no, that. That's. That's the harsh reality.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I. I mean, I. If I'm you, there's that. It's one of my favorite quotes ever. It is conflict deferred is conflict amplified. Hard conversations put off simply create way more. Way bigger explosions. And so, man, I. I can't recommend Enough that you say, hey, can we go grab coffee?

[Caller]

And.

Well, I was thinking about doing that. Right. Yeah, that. That's. That's my. Yeah, that. What I was considering doing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you should feel real anxious. You should feel real nervous. And I want you to practice in a sober. Sober with a sober mind. Head directly into that anxiety and call your sponsor before. Call your sponsor right after. But head directly through it, brother, and sit down and say, I still want to be your husband. We're heading towards the settlement. Do you still. Is there any chance you still want to be my wife?

[Caller]

And I will say I did approach the topic of reconciliation in March of last year. Like, only after two months of recovery.

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And she was like, you're crazy. And then she just unloaded on all these previous ruptures, which I wasn't quite present to, which was great to hear, but she was just like, yeah, you're just nuts. And then, of course, then we. All the crap that comes with the divorce stuff, which is really not great. You know, like the custody mediation. And she turns attorneys midway through because she was happy. The first attorney, and then. That's right, all those. And then, you know, then bondsman of court. And now this is what she wants. They say, okay, well, we have to sit down and talk.

[Co-host]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So.

[Co-host]

I want you to, like, with fervor, chase reality, solve for reality right now what is actually true. And I might have to practice being sober in that reality. And that's gonna be really hard. And I thought meetings have been hard for the last year, but they weren't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

As hard because I was working towards.

[Co-host]

Getting back what was.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What was is gone. Even if she comes back to you, your marriage is completely new because she knows you as somebody who lied to.

[Co-host]

Her face for seven years and hid.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Things and put her and her kids.

[Co-host]

At financial and, like, emotional risk, significant risk.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so there's going to be years of trust rebuilding.

[Co-host]

Even if she says, yes, I'm interested in being your wife again. But nothing you're telling me suggests that at all. In fact, the opposite. You know, I'm moving towards the closure here.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so, man, for your sake, having that direct conversation with a loving spirit.

[Co-host]

And a gentle spirit, and she might.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Look at you and say, no, don't ask again, please. That's the best path, best path forward. Otherwise, you are just trying to solve.

[Co-host]

For fiction, for fantasy. It's not real.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if she says, yeah, then call me back, dude, because then there's going to be some. Some pretty rad steps y'all take together. Towards reconciliation, towards coming back together, towards rebuilding something completely new. I can walk alongside you there, but.

[Co-host]

Y'All aren't there yet. Right now you're at Do I need to accept the reality that it's just.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Coming towards me like a speeding train?

[Co-host]

Or is there a possibility that she's going to change her mind till last minute?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I hope so, man. I'm a romantic at heart, dude.

[Co-host]

I really hope that's what happens, but I don't see any indication here, ma'am.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thanks for the call, my brother. Call me back anytime.

[Co-host]

We'll be right back.

[Rachel Cruz]

Okay, good Folks, Lent is just a few weeks away, and if you haven't heard of Lent, it's a practice that goes back centuries. And it's when Christians all over the world get ready for Good Friday and Easter through different kinds of prayer, meditation, and fasting. It's about getting rid of the things or habits in your life that get in the way of knowing God and of living a full, joyful life. So whether you grew up in the Christian tradition and want to experience Lent in a whole new way, or you think all of this sounds crazy and you just want to learn more, check out Hallow's Lent Pray 40 challenge. The Lint Pray 40 challenge walks you through great stories and guided prayers. Last year, more than a million people around the world prayed with Hallow every day during Lent, and this year will be even bigger and better. Plus, right now you can get three months of Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, for free when you sign [e-mail] Deloney and that means your trial will last all through Lent. When you join, you can check out over 10,000 of their guided prayers and meditations. So download the app and sign [e-mail] DeLoney to get notified when the Lint Prey 40 challenge begins. That's Hallow. H a l l o w.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow absolutely free.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good folks.

[Rachel Cruz]

The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean endless streams of cat videos or AI influencers. I'm talking about screens in our homes and offices, fluorescent lights, EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bond Charge products all of the time, literally every single day. And I love them. And here's why you'll love them Too. Studies show red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. It can help your recovery from aches and pains, transform your skin, and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. Like I said, I use them every day. You can Also check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and a hundred percent blackout sleep masks. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O N C-H A R G E bond charge.com DeLoney and use coupon Code DeLoney to save 15%.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, we're back. Let's go to Augusta, Georgia and talk to Eleanor. Hey, Eleanor, what's up?

[Caller]

Hey there. Ultimately, my question for you, Dr. John, is I find myself, I'm pregnant for a third time with third baby girl. So I currently have two girls and the third one's on the way. And ultimately that's been a harsh reality to accept. I wouldn't even say accept is fully in my vocabulary yet. And to preface this discussion, I just, I did want to say I recognize just how lucky I am to be struggling with this exact situation because I know so many are not would be, you know, counting their lucky stars to be in my exact situation.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but that doesn't minimize your pain.

[Caller]

Yeah. And that's what I have to tell people.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's okay. Tell me, tell me why, why such a heavy heart over having a third baby girl?

[Caller]

I'm gonna apologize. I'm gonna be teary eyed.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're okay. Kvc, you were just talking on the phone. So you can volunteer as you want.

[Caller]

You're gonna hear it, I'm sure. I don't have easy pregnancies and we have really, really challenging newborn phases. All of my children so far and projected by professionals will be born with something called severe infantile reflux, which is just acid reflux for you and me can be deadly in an infant. And so first baby was almost admitted to the nicu like a four month old to have a feeding tube. And the choice to have another child comes with an incredible wait of six months of just really intense colic, medical appointments, you know, and it's something they'll grow out of, but it's a very, very intense newborn period as it is with anybody, but just an extra layer of it. And so I think the Disappointment is that I had even, you know, told my husband years ago, that's like, I want two children and I'm done. And we didn't even find out the gender of our second child until she was born because I was so dead set on having two. And there was just a deep gut wrenching that was, I'm not done yet. My family's not done yet. And this hope of, please let us have a chance to have a boy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, so that's so you in your head, the picture of your family included a little boy.

[Caller]

Always. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So you found out you're having a third girl. Y'all, y'all made a decision, hey, we're gonna go through hell again. We know. And y'all aren't like first year, first time parents where it's like a lot.

[Co-host]

Of, like, googling and a lot of, like, people telling you horror stories at the water cooler at the office.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Y'all know this is awful.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah. The newborn period that God had for us was way worse than anybody could have ever described.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure.

[Caller]

But they grow through it. Thank God they grow through it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you just, you. You have a very real. Yes. It's like you've been in two rounds with Mike Tyson and you're not knocked out.

[Co-host]

And so you're like, yeah, I know what's about to happen in round three. Here we go. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah, basically. And it just felt like a very faithful person. I felt like my prayers are God, if I take this chance again, please let, you know, let our family grow to what we have pictured. And I also have just the most wonderful husband. I pray that any young woman that's searching finds a guy like mine one day. I'm so freaking lucky. And to not see him get the chance to pass that on to his own little boy cripples me. And I think that's just so what.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I would tell you is you've got permission to be sad. You have permission that. That you had a picture that's not. And you did all the things in your power to manifest this.

[Co-host]

This thing. Right.

[Rachel Cruz]

You prayed for it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You, like, wished for it really hard. You went again, like, you know, you're going to put your body through tough times and often with. With this kind of severe. When your baby's in pain and you've got two other little ones, you know, the postpartum risk is higher. Have you experienced that in the past, too?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So, like, I think being sad is okay. And if for nothing else, have that permission. And what I will tell you is, I Haven't met anybody. I'm sure they exist. I'm confident that some people are going to blow up the comments of this thing.

[Co-host]

Fine.

[Dr. John Deloney]

By the way, will you make me a promise not to read the comments on this particular call?

[Caller]

Yeah, Yeah. I know people are gonna be.

They don't get.

I'll get born into a family where they're not. That's not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, I know. Not the case at all. And you're gonna want this baby and you're gonna be a great mom.

[Caller]

Absolutely. It's just. There's also this. This heartache that I can't. I. I have found. And this is through my ppd. You know, my postpartum depression experience was the more I pretend everything's okay, the harder it becomes for it to not be okay and actually heal through it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right.

[Caller]

So this is the first time I'm actually taking a socially unacceptable thing to say. It's like I'm not excited about having another baby girl.

I'm not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So. Let me tell you, there's millions of mothers who have that same. Or husbands, dads who have that same. That was. It was not my picture. And it's a. It's. It doesn't mean you're broken or wrong. If the baby's born and you reject this kid. Yeah. Then you got a problem. But that's not going to be you. Right. Your disappointment is. Is okay. It's what happens. What you. If you choose to meditate on that disappointment.

[Caller]

If.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If every. Every discomfort you have, every kick you have in your. In your tummy, every doctor appointment you have, if. If you begin to hate and rage, that's when you need to go sit down with somebody and. And take some professional precautions there. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because right now, just being sad, like, oh, my gosh, it was supposed to be this picture. That's the same as. I mean, I don't.

[Co-host]

I don't want to minimize it.

[Caller]

The.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The story of being a parent is I have a picture for what my family's going to look like.

[Co-host]

And that picture almost is never realized.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so you find grief, which is.

[Rachel Cruz]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And what we often don't ex. Feel in society, especially tells us it will never come, is that there's healing on the other side of this. You'll laugh again.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

This third little girl will be chaos and a mess and super fun. Or she'll be quiet and reserved and. Oh, thank God.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Rachel Cruz]

I. And.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And for whatever it's worth, last night I had dinner with one of my closest friends. It was a couple friends and all three of their kids came over. He is the most avid sports fan. I know the most avid sports fan.

[Co-host]

And all three of his young daughters.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Showed up and he loves them and they are so fun and so brilliant and so, so these things that I thought I wanted. I think the key to life is keep being open handed about what you get. What we get.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And so your grief's. Okay. Do you have. I'm gonna ask you a really hard question. Do you already have a name?

[Caller]

No. And that's part of. I have.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Did you already have a name for that little boy?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What was the name?

[Caller]

I don't want to say it because I don't wanna.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Have to keep crying that I don't get to use it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, here's what I want you to do. I want you to write him a letter. I want you to write him a letter and said, I thought you were coming to our house. You went to somebody else's house and we're going to miss you and we know you're going to have a great, great, great life and you better not marry my daughter because here's the deal. That's, it's, it's. You're grieving it as a loss. You already have a name. You had a face.

[Caller]

Well, and that's something that happens. I don't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You had a smell your wife experienced.

[Caller]

This is each of my pregnancies. I had very vivid dreams, of course, of, you know, the gender baby I was holding.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right.

[Caller]

I could see their face and it felt so real. And that's. I actually, I was convinced I was pregnant with a boy. And I think that's, that's another layer of all this. It just, it feels like I have lost the person because that, it was so clear.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You, you lost a dream.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm a, I'm a believer in, in grieving loss dreams too. Okay. But listen, if you don't let, if you don't let this picture you have, if you don't let this person, if you don't let this, this experience, this picture, this, this dream metabolize.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

My fear is you hand it to this sweet, amazing new daughter you're about to have for her to carry. And it's not hers to carry.

[Caller]

Yeah. And that's, I think that's ultimately why I called you, is that I knew that the weight of what I'm feeling is too heavy for the phase of. I have a propensity to postpartum depression. It's Like, I can't be wrestling with all this and the biochemistry that's about to come.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure. So let's do this. And let's do this. You have an amazing husband. Do you have girlfriends?

[Caller]

A couple.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. I want that to be the. The chief focus of the next two to three months for you. Getting other women in your life that you can text, call, talk to, chit chat with, whatever. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to honor them. We rob people when we don't ask for help because it's one of the greatest gifts in the world we can get. We. We can. We can receive. Is when somebody says, hey, can you help me? That's a great gift. Not so great when they ask you to help them move. But any other request, I want you to find a couple of women that you say, hey, I'm going to text you crazy hours of the night.

[Caller]

I hear you. This is. This is my hesitation towards what you're asking me. And there's other people that probably are in the same shoe that need to hear your answer. I psychologically have been through a battlefield in the last year. If I were to ask for support from friends in that way, what ends up happening is the minefield that I open up chases people away because it's just too heavy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. But hold on. Yeah. Your friends aren't to throw grenades to. Okay.

[Caller]

It's chased a few people away that were my support. Which is why I'm hesitant to answer that question. Because.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hold on.

[Caller]

Landscape has changed recently.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It has changed. But did your. Did your burdens chase people away? The things that you're challenged with chase them away? Or was it your will, your lack of willingness to go head into these challenges to go meet with a therapist, go meet with a doctor?

[Caller]

The burden. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

I. I do, because I was. I was doing those things that you're saying, and I was reaching out in these friendships. And so now I'm at this weird place where I have to be very trepidatious about what I share.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's not true. That's not true. But you have to be willing to deal with it when it gets heavy. Here's what I mean.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If you have somebody, you say, I'm having an anxious attack because an anxiety attack, and I'm pregnant again. I got two knuckleheads running around.

[Co-host]

Ah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And one of your friends texts you and says, thank you so much for sharing. Have you gone for a walk? And you say, I can't. Right. Or I'm thinking about Hurting myself. Okay, cool. I'm calling the doctor. No, no, you can't call a doctor. If you're really my friend, you can't call a doctor. So if you're putting heavy, heavy burdens on people and they're willing to walk with you but you won't go do the next thing, which is I need to go talk to a physician, I need to go talk to a psychiatrist. I need to go talk to my OB GYN right now. I need to go for a walk. Then people begin to back out because they, they've reached the end of what they can do to help you. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What I don't want you to do is to look at the next six months as a automation like this is just. I'm on a. I'm on a boat on a river that I've been down before. And this is. There's an inevitability to what's about to happen.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What I would love for you to do is say, okay, I got in that same boat the first two times. I'm gonna try a different boat this time. Doctor. I want an exercise routine and I want somebody to call when I start having tough thoughts. I'm going to be silly about sleep. I'm going to call a high school kid to come over and play with my little ones while I can take a nap. Like I don't know what, I don't know what must be true in your world for to be well, but what if you flipped it and said these are going to be non negotiables Because I negotiated on them last time and.

[Co-host]

I saw that end result.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, because I hear in your voice like a, like a resignation.

[Caller]

I think I've tried everything I know to do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

It'S. We're sorry, back it up. We're ex military family so we're new ish to an area and when you don't have deep roots somewhere, those connections to just be able to call somebody and pull that trigger to get the help. It's not always an easy thing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right. It's tough.

[Caller]

It's, it's. And it's not that I'm unwilling. I'm absolutely willing. I just.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When's the last time you went and talked to a professional licensed counselor?

[Caller]

Last week. Yeah, I'm not kidding. It's been a minefield. I'm on all the, you know, check all the boxes on the programs, but I'm with you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm with you. I want you to go I'm doing.

[Caller]

Everything I can, but my life can only, you know, if it just doesn't exist. It doesn't exist.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I got you. But here's what I want you to do. I want you to sit with your counselor, and I want you to tell your therapist that I had some friendships that I blew up over the last year, that they didn't seem able to hold my friendship. The needs I have, and I want.

[Co-host]

To work on that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I need to find out. I need to parse through with you and should help me. Look at this from a different angle. Was it me? Was it my friends? Was it. Was I not doing that? Like, what was it? Because maybe your friends are jerks.

[Co-host]

They're like, I don't deal with your drama.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And they left. Fine, let them go. Or it was. Man, we keep. We keep wanting to walk alongside you.

[Co-host]

But you're not willing to take another step. You just want us to.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You just want to, like.

[Co-host]

Like, dump your trash in our yard. And we're not going to do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But talk with your counselor about it. Work through those things individually work through them. I think that's been fantastic. And I guess, yeah, it is so easy for me on this side of this to say that. I know that. But when I know I've experienced something once and I've experienced something twice, maybe it's a personality thing. I don't want to just give into the inevitability.

[Co-host]

Then I'll do it all different next time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm gonna do all of it different next time.

[Co-host]

Just see, Because I already know what's gonna happen here. Maybe I can get lucky with the other side of it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that's not an indictment on you not doing any work. I know you've been working your butt.

[Co-host]

Off for the last year.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Millions and millions and millions and millions of people have been working so hard. But sometimes it's just a realization.

[Co-host]

All right, that way didn't work.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That way, it's not working.

[Co-host]

So I'm gonna try this way. And you are.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Have an amazing husband, which is awesome. And there's gonna come a moment when you guys continue to lean in. Here's your two letters. I want both of you and your husband to write a letter to this little boy. You'll have a name. You had it picked out. And cheer this little boy on, wherever this little boy happens to be in the cosmos. And then I want you to write a letter to this little girl, Your new baby that's coming. How much you're gonna love her. What kind of life she's gonna have how amazing her childhood's gonna be. And begin to prayer. Prep yourselves for.

[Co-host]

We're gonna be super girl dads, super.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Girl moms, girls everywhere in the house. And when that baby's born, she's gonna.

[Co-host]

Be ready to rock and roll into a house that cannot wait for her to be there.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But right now, it's okay to be sad.

[Co-host]

It's gotta be bummed out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The picture was different. Thanks for the call. Call anytime.

[Co-host]

We'll be right back.

[Rachel Cruz]

All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the Internet. Just kidding. It's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But it doesn't matter if I think it's the worst. Everything in my life takes place over the Internet. My work, my personal messages and communications. I buy most things on the Internet now. It's where I live. And it's where you live, too. And because so much of our lives take place on the Internet, now it's become normal to give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn them around and sell them to other companies. Or it's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup online. Now listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The world wide web.

[Rachel Cruz]

And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. With all of that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it? Chances are high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the Internet. And they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at Delete Me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing exactly what they removed and where from. So while we can't really avoid the Internet, we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney today and get 20 off. That's J-O-I-N join DeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, we are back.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Check this out.

[Rachel Cruz]

Big announcement.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Money and marriage getaway.

[Co-host]

My.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The. My favorite event that I'm a part of is happening again this fall with.

[Co-host]

Me and Rachel Cruz.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Every marriage needs intentional time away to disconnect from life's busyness, to reconnect Talk.

[Co-host]

About sex, intimacy, how to. How to.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Communication, fighting, all of it.

[Co-host]

I think I'm kind of biased. It's the best marriage conference on the planet.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're going to come to Nashville. You and your spouse are going to come for three days of laughter, hard conversations, some tears, intentional time together, and lots of practical teaching. And we set this thing up. We limit the number of people who can come. We could sell a jillion tickets and.

[Co-host]

Just, just, I don't know, download all this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And to you, that's not the point of this thing. We want everyone to get every question they have answered. So there's tons of access to me and Rachel Cruz lots of times for question and answers. Early bird tickets start at 749 bucks every time we launch this event. Tickets sell out ASAP, so you gotta hurry. November 6th through 8th, 2025. November 6th through 8th%, 2025. 749 bucks. That's for the whole couple. All you gotta do is get yourself to Nashville. You can stay here for a couple of nights and we let you go Saturday at noon. Ish. In the afternoon. So then you can go hang out in downtown Nashville together. Make it a long weekend. November 6 through 8. Get your [e-mail] events or click the link in the description if you're listening on YouTube or podcast. These will sell out.

[Co-host]

They always do. Get them asap.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, let's go to Tucson, Arizona and talk to McCall. What's up, McCall?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. John. I feel so grateful to be talking to you today.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I feel grateful to talk to you. What's up?

[Caller]

I am calling because I cannot seem to move past the anxiety I feel after witnessing my neighbor take his own life.

[Co-host]

Oh.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Nicole, you're not supposed to see that.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Caller]

So it was. It was a weird situation. My family was packing up to go to an outdoor movie that our town was putting on at the time. And we had just moved there. And so I didn't even know him, but I had run inside to get a blanket. And as I was inside, I heard some commotion, some yelling, and a pop. And I immediately knew it was a gunshot. And I ran outside, and my little boy had actually seen the whole thing. He said, that guy shot him, that guy shot him. And so I had just seen a man laying on the ground, and I didn't even bother to close the front door. We all just hopped in the car and left. And so for about 15 minutes, I thought it was a murder.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And the police came with no sirens. The ambulance came with no sirens, and I was so confused, and they'd let me know that it was actually a suicide situation. And so I got myself and my son into therapy right after that. My other kids didn't really see it, but they. They.

They.

We didn't think that they needed therapy, and they're doing fine, but my. My son has since graduated therapy, but I can't seem to get past it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I. I think you just need to remove the phrase get past it from your. From your psyche.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

This won't be something you quote, unquote, get past. This is something that you'll grow around and grow through. But get past suggests this thing just is in the road, and you just.

[Co-host]

Go on down the road. And this is a part of you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's a thing you saw. You saw something that people might see on a TV show or they can imagine.

[Co-host]

But there is a.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There's a visceral reality when you hear it, when you start using your senses, when you see it, and they burn themselves into your mind and body because your body has a protective mechanism. It doesn't want that to ever happen to you. So it puts a GPS pin in that. See, don't ever let that happen. And for you, that was your home, that was your neighbor.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so it elect. It electrifies the skin you live in. Right. It's not like it happened in an alley. And so you don't go to dark alleys anymore.

[Co-host]

It happened at a. At a relative's house.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You don't go to that relative's house.

[Co-host]

This happened in your yard.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And so I think it is. The anxiety is right in that. It's just trying to let you know, hey, you're not safe because a crazy thing happened to you, happened to your neighbor, but you saw a crazy thing, you experienced it, and you want to add another layer of anxiousness onto that. Your kids saw it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So can I unwind a few things for you?

[Caller]

Yes, please.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Your kids seeing that's not your fault.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You forgetting the blanket inside and having to go back, it's not your fault. Your kid seeing really scary, scary things is not your fault. Open your hands and let that nonsense go.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want to flip it around and thank God Almighty that you have two little kids who have got a mother and. Is dad in the picture?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Co-host]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Have a mom and a dad that loved him so much that immediately got them out of harm's way because you didn't know what was up or what was down. You got them into the correct professional help as soon as possible. And kids are astonishingly resilient, especially when they're anchored into connective caregivers. The old saying in counseling is trauma. Kids can experience all kind of trauma. They just can't experience it alone. That's when it becomes traumatic over time. Your kids didn't. They had you, they had husband, they had professionals. So amen to you for being a.

[Co-host]

Good mom and a good dad throughout this thing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, thank you.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to let the fault part go. And every time that story enters into your head, I want you to do something that's going to look. Make you look crazy. Okay? I want you to comically, abruptly stop that story. No. When you're in your shower and your mind kicks off to where you should have. No, no, no. And what I promise you, what you will do over time is you will begin to shift this thing. You'll shift your default setting to. I should have to thank God I.

[Co-host]

Was able to fill in the blank.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, here's number two. What was the name of that man? Are you allowed to say?

[Caller]

His name was Jeremy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, I want you and your husband to write Jeremy a letter.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're never going to give it to him, but this is walking your body through it.

[Co-host]

It's to help you metabolize what happened.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it doesn't have to be a nice letter. Hey, man, you scared our family to death. And I'm sorry that you were struggling.

[Co-host]

So much with whatever was going on.

[Caller]

I mean, I haven't fully written him a letter, but I have found forgiveness. He was living with his parents, and so we actually have become friends with his parents, and, like, they're like second grandparents to us. So I've, like, kind of gotten over that anger that I felt towards him, but it's just that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but the fear part's still there.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so what you do is you have a lot of imaginary conversations with him or about him, and your body doesn't know the difference when you're. It's in your head. So it spins up the fight or flight as though this whole thing's kicking off again. And then it goes right back to the gurgling sounds. It goes right back to the awkward way somebody's neck cranks to, like, a really unnatural angle or somebody's ankle rolls over it. Like all those little. Those little micro nuances are stuck in your soul. And when you start doing that imaginary conversation game, your body goes right back there.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so we're Going to metabolize it.

[Co-host]

We're going to let him go.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Jeremy's a sweet kid. Had a lot of demons, man. And for whatever reason that no one will ever know what happened happened. But he no longer gets to live inside your head and your heart and your mind and your family's home. And so we're gonna do is, we're gonna write him a letter. And you are going to read yours to your husband. Your husband's going to read his to you. You're going to say it out loud. As David Kessler, who was recently on my show, said, grief demands a witness. We're going to say it out loud to each other. And you have to be honest in the letter. Hey. You scared me. I'm scared to come to my own house now. Every loud noise, I jump. But I want you to feel comfortable giving Jeremy the responsibility in this particular situation. Write it out. Okay. And then we destroy the letters. We move on.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Here's another thing I want you to metabolize. Okay. That young man is no longer hurting right now. Okay?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He's not in pain. It's over. And it's easy for us to flinch up, like when one of our kids gets a bad cut or one of our kids bangs our head. Our bodies clinch.

[Co-host]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Real tight. And when you think about him, you think about. It's easy to draw a connection to your own kids. It's easy to draw a connection to yourself and how much pain that must have been, how scary that must have been All. He's not paying anymore.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Sorry.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. You saw some things you should never have seen.

[Co-host]

I'm so sorry.

[Caller]

Thank you.

I feel like every coping mechanism I've, like, been given is just kind of not getting me far enough.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know.

[Caller]

And so it's like these, like, the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 stuff is just like.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Those are band aids.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We're not doing vintage. We're going right through it. We're going to go talk to Jeremy via letter.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Co-host]

I'm not avoiding the conversation anymore.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm going to abruptly stop my mind when it heads down these tracks and let it my mind know I'm driving. I'm okay. You don't have to automate and protect me.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

As you move a little further down the road, you're going to quickly be able to scale through. It's an old CBT technique, but it's like. Is that true? Every loud noise, boom. My chest gets real tight. Is that a Gunshot?

[Co-host]

No, I'm a Consciously exhale.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're not there yet, but we're gonna work through those things. And here's the biggest challenge that most people who've experienced what you've experienced go through is they go to war with their body. They want their body to stop trying to keep them safe. And that's nuts. I want my body to be doing.

[Rachel Cruz]

Yeah, your body's working perfectly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Given your biology, your genetics, your. This wild situation. Your body's cranking along. What we want to do is teach our body. I wasn't safe then. I am safe now. And most of the time, not always. That's what great physicians are for and great psychiatrist for.

[Co-host]

Often your body goes, okay, cool, we're back.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me about your friendship circle there.

[Co-host]

In your home.

[Dr. John Deloney]

In your hometown. You have friends, you have connection. How's your marriage?

[Caller]

We just. My marriage is great. We just moved. We move a lot. And so, I mean, I have a. I have friends all over the country at this point, just not here.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you get to see and touch? Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's easier said than done, but you've got to find human beings that you can be in proximity to. It's one of the great fallacies of digital communication. These long text threads of old friends that are hilarious. They still send funny memes. We still check in with each other, still get happy birthday. All that's great and good. But your body is regulated by real people in time and space.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So you have to have somebody that you sit across the table from. You have to have a couple people you have into your home for coffee. And for you, someone who moves a lot for whatever reason, that's probably a whole other phone call that's a nightmare. To get up and do it again. And then you make new friends again and make new friends again.

[Rachel Cruz]

That's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's your lot in life.

[Co-host]

I wish there was another way around it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. It's like telling somebody, like, when you.

[Co-host]

Look at their budget, like, hey, you got to go make more money. Like, I don't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't know.

[Co-host]

You gotta go get a job.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, I hate to say that, but.

[Rachel Cruz]

So your job right now is you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Gotta go once again, new town, new home, new community, whatever.

[Co-host]

Having people back in. Having people back in that I can.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Be present with and I can drop my shoulders with, I don't have to perform with. And I know for almost everybody listening to the show right now, I read the data on loneliness. That sounds like a pipe dream. It sounds like a fantasy. It's like not real. I get that. And it doesn't exclude the fact that we have to have it. So that means we have to fight through the fantasy, put down the video game controllers, put down our lives, and I mean the distractions in our lives, and head into life with other people. That's what we got to do. There's not. There's not another way around it. And McCall, if you write this young man a letter, and here's the gold letter, I'm going to let you go. I'm so sorry you were hurting this bad. I'll never know what was going on in your heart and mind. And by the way, you scared my family to death. Let him go.

[Co-host]

Let him go.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm going to let him go with my husband. I'm going to be open there, he's going to be open back. I'm going to have some friends over to the house. I'm going to check in with my kids. I'm going to check in with myself. I'm going to begin to journal.

[Co-host]

Just to keep a gratitude journal.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's three or four things I'm grateful for? Every morning when I wake up, I'm going to begin to stop those conversations, those loops in my head. When that image of him on the ground pops into my head, I'm going to immediately. You can't stop that lightning bolt. Those pictures, those images pop in our heads. That happens, you can immediately replace it with another picture. Nope, I gotta focus on that one. Gotta focus on this one. And over time, your body will go.

[Co-host]

Oh, she's driving happen.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't need to keep reminding her of this. Most of the time, our bodies are.

[Co-host]

Just trying to keep us safe. And they're working as.

[Dr. John Deloney]

As our particular bodies and experiences in.

[Co-host]

Biology programmed them, too. It's all good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But my job is not to avoid, it's to teach.

[Co-host]

We're safe now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We weren't safe then.

[Co-host]

We're safe now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thank you so much for the call.

[Co-host]

A call. Call me back anytime. I can walk alongside you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to grab a book called Finding Meaning by the great David Kessler. It's the best book on grief I've ever read.

[Co-host]

Ever.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Check it out. And maybe you and your husband can.

[Co-host]

Work through that together as well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thank you for the call.

[Co-host]

We'll be right back.

[Rachel Cruz]

All right, before we get back to the show, let's talk about organifi. Everybody hear this. Health and wellness is not a destination. It's a journey. It's an adventure. And it's a journey that is never a straight line. It's got starts and stops and ups and downs and victories and setbacks. This is something that I've personally struggled with for years, and I recently made some significant commitments to myself and my family to get back on the path yet again. And one way I've learned to make the health and wellness journey easier is making consistently healthy choices about what I.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Eat and what I drink.

[Rachel Cruz]

And this is why I love Organifi. Their whole food blends contain only the highest quality ingredients and they make it super easy to get the benefits. Just mix organifi with water or your favorite healthy beverage. The green juice is great in the morning and it's packed with superfoods that help boost your energy, calm your mind and support you throughout the entire day. And their red juice is loaded with antioxidants to help with focus, stamina and recovery. And right now, Organifi is offering the Organifi Starter Kit with seven days of green juice travel packs, seven days of red juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for strong bones and healthy muscles. And why not? You also get a branded organifi shaker bottle. So make Organifi part of your health and wellness journey. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney right now to save 20 off with code DeLoney that's organifi O R G A n I f I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20 off.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, we're back. Kelly, am I the problem? Go for it.

[Caller]

All right, this is from Jennifer. She says for Thanksgiving we had plans with my daughter, her fiance and their new baby to go see my parents in California. We had everything planned to help her feel less anxious with the drive with the new baby. She's a very anxious first time mom. She texts, doesn't call, but texts me three days before we are to leave to tell me they can't go to a big project that he has due after the holiday and if he fails it, he probably won't graduate. By the way, she just dropped out in her senior year to have the baby. I am so upset because her parents are getting older and both have dementia. They've never met the new baby or her fiance. I feel like they should have planned better when he knew this project was due from the beginning of the semester. She doesn't really seem to care how anyone else feels about this yet she is upset with me for going to Texas for Christmas for two weeks to see my son's family and my other daughter. She said that I ruined her baby's first Christmas who's right here. I'm sick of fighting about this. She's 22 and knows everything.

[Co-host]

So great. Here's the thing. She's 22 and she knows everything.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So if there's somebody I'll just even stay away from.

[Co-host]

Fault language here. But.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You'Re the one that they made their decision. I mean, not to be rude, but you don't get a vote. They don't really care what you have to say.

[Co-host]

They didn't call and ask and say is this okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

They just did what they're going to do. And so what you've chosen since Thanksgiving.

[Co-host]

Is just to wake up and be angry and miserable every day.

[Dr. John Deloney]

They made a choice, they made a call. They're going to live with those consequences. Does it stink that, that the parents aren't going to get. Is this her sister? Is that who that is? Is it her daughter?

[Co-host]

Okay, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Your daughter made a selfish call is what it is. Right. And 22 year olds in college didn't plan well for finals.

[Co-host]

Ta da.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's not a big shocker, right?

[Co-host]

That just is.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so would it have been awesome. Yep. I get a hint of she doesn't like this whole thing. She doesn't like that. Oh, my 22 year old daughter just dropped out of college to have this baby. Like there's, there seems to be a lot more layers here. And so what mom wants is, oh, she had a baby with fiance, she dropped out of college, she's doing these things that I don't like. That's not the way I would have drawn it up. But you're gonna do these things.

[Co-host]

And 22 year old's like, no, I'm not gonna do those either.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So it sounds like a mother losing.

[Co-host]

Control of all of it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so what I would say is.

[Co-host]

Let go 22 years old.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What you don't want to do is.

[Co-host]

Cash in and this 22 year old daughter of yours doesn't want you as a grandparent. I don't want to lose that. Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I can be disappointed and then.

[Co-host]

I'm going to go on about my day.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't know.

[Co-host]

What do you think?

[Caller]

I agree. I think that the 22 year old is. Is a 22 year old, but they're 22 and again you have no control over that decision. You can be disappointed about it. And I understand her disappointment because she wants her parents.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, of course.

[Caller]

To meet the grandbaby. Of course she does. I totally understand that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But going to war with a 22 year old first time mom who disrupted out of College is ridiculous.

[Caller]

Yeah. You're not going to win.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're going to lose that every time.

[Caller]

And. But also, you know, with the 22 year old being mad now because you went to see them over Christmas. Tough crap.

[Dr. John Deloney]

She didn't get a vote either. She's 22.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller]

Like, yeah. I'm not gonna let you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No.

[Caller]

Sorry you feel that way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, exactly. And this is one of those, like, I'll implore all parents and adult kids, if somebody texts you something, something big like that, call them. Pick up the phone and call. Pick up the phone and call. If there's a text message, you're like, man, that sounds. Pick up the phone and call. It's astonishing to me over my holiday.

[Co-host]

Break, the conversations I had when first.

[Dr. John Deloney]

With several people, they were like, oh, we got the text and we understood.

[Rachel Cruz]

Like, what, what did you understand? Why didn't you call me?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, well, you know, we. No, no. What did you. You know what I mean? Like, just make that extra phone call. My God. Right? If something comes across weird, especially it's with your kids, especially when it's with adult relationships, man. Be adults. Right. And yes, 22 year olds are going to be 22.

[Co-host]

I. I'm personally not going to cash in that relationship. Over. Time over.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You ruined my baby's first Christmas.

[Co-host]

I didn't. I'm gonna move on with my life. I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Ben, did you ruin somebody's first Christmas this year? I don't think so. I mean, actually the opposite because mine, my one year old nephew gave us all stomach flu. Oh, he wrecked my Christmas. Let's put him on blast. Nobody listens to the show anyway. What's his name? Where does he live?

[Co-host]

I'm just kidding. Don't say that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, thank you guys so much for checking this out and we will see you soon right here on the Dr. John DeLoney Show.

[Co-host]

Love you guys.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Bye.