Is My Husband Cheating With Other Men?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Is My Husband Cheating With Other Men?
Date: June 22, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony
Network: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on complex, deeply personal questions from listeners about relationships, trust, mental health, and self-confidence. In three major segments, Dr. Delony speaks with (1) Becky, whose marriage is struggling after revelations of her husband's secret online sexual activity with men; (2) Daniel, a new homeowner battling anxiety and responsibility; and (3) Stephen, a father seeking to raise a confident son despite his own struggles with self-worth.

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Segment 1: Can I Rebuild If I Don’t Know the Whole Truth? (Becky’s Call)

[00:00-17:38]

Background

• Becky and her husband have been together for 23 years and have three children.
• Her husband has struggled with severe depression, PTSD, and anxiety over the last two years, during which he lost 100 pounds.
• Becky discovered secret sexual conversations with men on Reddit and the use of Grindr, including explicit messages, photos, videos, and the sharing of addresses. Her husband denied physical encounters and claimed his actions were escapism, not reflective of his sexual identity.

Key Discussion Points

• Trauma and Dishonesty

  • Becky is torn between a strong positive connection in the "repair process" and lingering distrust due to her husband’s lack of full honesty.

  • Dr. Delony underscores the impossibility of rebuilding a relationship without full trust and truth.

    “Can you rebuild with only part of the truth? No, you can't. You will always feel crazy.”
    — Dr. John Delony [05:16]

• Responsibility and Emotional Turmoil

  • Dr. Delony assures Becky she is not to blame for the crisis, despite feeling like a detective in her own home.

    “You did not blow this up. He did.”
    — Dr. John Delony [05:40]

• Levels of Betrayal and Online Escapism

  • The exchange of explicit photos and videos, even with anonymous contacts, constitutes significant participation in infidelity.

    “In my book, in my world, that exceeds ‘I’m just playing fantasy.’ That’s participation.”
    — Dr. John Delony [09:10]

• Key Dilemma: Safety vs. Identity

  • For Becky, the central injury is not her husband’s potential sexual identity crisis but his dishonesty and reckless behavior, which put her emotional and physical safety at risk.

    “Like, if he's right hooking up with men or women, it puts you in an incredibly unsafe situation.”
    — Dr. John Delony [08:35]

• Path to Rebuilding Trust

  • Absolute candor is necessary in any repair process. Dr. Delony advises using couples therapy as a forum for the truth, and insists that Becky must set boundaries—such as restricting her husband’s electronic access—as a condition for moving forward.

    “My expectation is you come fully, fully clean…. The path is going to be—‘I don't trust you on electronics because while we were rebuilding, you had another account that you didn’t tell me about.’”
    — Dr. John Delony [13:39, 16:29]

• Impact of Major Life Change

  • Dr. Delony notes that significant life events (like major weight loss) can drastically shift self-perception and behavior.

    “There is major shifts in personalities when people ... go through a major life transformation.”
    — Dr. John Delony [16:58]

Notable Quotes

• “You're not crazy.” — Dr. John Delony [05:40]
• “You have to hear me say you did not blow your family up.” — Dr. John Delony [17:38]
• “Nothing gets rebuilt without trust. Nothing.” — Dr. John Delony [17:38]

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Segment 2: Tackling Homeowner Anxiety (Daniel’s Call)

[21:33-36:45]

Background

• Daniel is a recent homeowner feeling overwhelming anxiety about every minor house issue (noises, maintenance). This is compounded by financial insecurity, a growing family, and a lack of close support.

Key Discussion Points

• Root of Anxiety

  • Dr. Delony explores the idea that Daniel’s anxiety is the body’s way of signaling real, practical concerns—especially financial safety.

    “All anxiety is a fire alarm, dude. ... Your body's right—not that your house is falling down—but you are in a precarious financial situation.”
    — Dr. John Delony [24:57]

• Embracing Reality

  • Instead of battling anxiety, Daniel is urged to embrace reality and create safety nets—such as building an emergency fund and strengthening relationships.

    “Choosing reality here is—what is the true, honest-to-God state of your marriage, your financial situation, your work?”
    — Dr. John Delony [26:42]

• Building Confidence and Reducing Stress

  • Tactics: journaling fears, controlling what’s controllable, improving sleep hygiene, budgeting, and building supportive friendships.

    “Writing those things down and getting them out of your head is huge, bro.”
    — Dr. John Delony [32:52]

• Advice for Daniel’s Relationship

  • Practical guidance on supporting his pregnant wife, maintaining routines, and being open about feelings and stress.

Notable Quotes

• “You are a good man.” — Dr. John Delony [34:28]
• “Do not try to avoid anxiety. Go right through the middle of it.” — Dr. John Delony [36:45]

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Segment 3: Raising a Confident Child When You’re Not Confident (Stephen’s Call)

[38:22-54:45]

Background

• Stephen, weighted by lifelong self-image issues and a drive to earn love by serving others, fears passing those wounds on to his autistic son. He and his wife run a successful online business, and Stephen battles emotional eating and feelings of inadequacy.

Key Discussion Points

• Inherited Stories and Self-Worth

  • Dr. Delony helps Stephen see that negative stories from childhood distort his “emotional temperature gauge.”

    “Your temperature gauge, that is your feelings, has been distorted over time by how you grew up, by the stories you were told about you.”
    — Dr. John Delony [44:21]

• Practical Self-Compassion: Mirror Exercise

  • Dr. Delony instructs Stephen to look in a mirror, place a fist to his chest, and say, “I love this guy.” This is repeated aloud, confronting years of internalized shame.

    “You cannot build something new inside yourself based on hate.”
    — Dr. John Delony [47:29]

• Modeling Confidence for His Son

  • Stephen is urged to model love and humility. His son will learn confidence not from perfection, but from seeing his father own mistakes and practice self-compassion.

    “You can't fake it with your son. Your son's going to watch you. ... From the inside out, believe 'I'm just the right man for this little boy at this time in this place.'”
    — Dr. John Delony [50:03, 51:03]

• Action Steps and Affirmations

  • Practice affirmations.

  • Celebrate small wins (like making it to the gym).

  • Bring his son along into life’s experiences—even struggles.

  • Keep showing up for his wife and child.

    “Confidence is earned at, I mean, at the cellular level, from the inside out.”
    — Dr. John Delony [52:46]

Notable Quotes

• “My son didn’t strike out when he got me as a dad.” — Dr. John Delony [49:15]
• “I love this guy.” — Stephen (at Dr. Delony’s prompting) [47:10, 47:20]
• “Confidence is earned... from the inside out.” — Dr. John Delony [52:46]

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Segment 4: Quickfire Listener Questions

Am I the Problem for Attending My Son’s Games When He’d Rather I Didn’t?
[56:20-61:16]

• A father’s teenage son no longer wants him at golf matches despite assurances it’s not personal. Dr. Delony suspects deeper issues—either dynamic between father and son, social context, or possibly something with the coach/team culture.

• Suggests self-reflection and communication with coaches or other parents for broader context.

  “If a teenager is saying ‘I don't want you around,’ that means something bigger is in the ecosystem.”
  — Dr. John Delony [57:39]

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Key Takeaways

• Honesty is crucial: Trust cannot be rebuilt without full transparency in relationships.
• Self-compassion breeds confidence: Modeling self-love is vital when raising children.
• Address anxiety by facing reality: Prepare for contingencies rather than trying to silence alarms.
• Small steps matter: Both confidence and healthy relationships are built in small, everyday acts of truth and care.

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Memorable Moments

• [05:16] “You will always feel crazy” – the impact of partial truths in intimate relationships.
• [09:10] Defining lines between fantasy and participation in infidelity.
• [47:10, 47:20] The mirror exercise—“I love this guy”—as a beginning to healing self-contempt.

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Summary Table of Timestamps

| Time | Caller | Topic | |-----------|------------|-------------------------------------------------------| | 00:00 | Becky | Husband’s online sexual activity and marriage repair | | 17:38 | | Segment wrap-up | | 21:33 | Daniel | Homeowner anxiety and practical coping skills | | 36:45 | | Segment wrap-up | | 38:22 | Stephen | Parenting confidence and inherited self-doubt | | 54:45 | | Segment wrap-up | | 56:20 | Matt | Attending son’s golf matches despite his wishes | | 61:16 | | Episode close |

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Final Thought

This episode exemplifies Dr. Delony’s compassionate, practical, and sometimes tough-love approach to the storms of everyday life—reminding listeners that truth, self-forgiveness, and small courageous steps are the foundation for healing and hope.

Transcript

[Becky]

I discovered some secret Reddit activity involving sexual conversations with men. We're in a repair process now, and we're doing all these things together. It feels weird to, like, feel so good,

[Dr. John Deloney]

but, you know, it's not real. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John Delonis show. I'm so glad you're here. Wherever you're listening to the show, all over the planet, I'm grateful that you're with us, sitting down with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move in their lives. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. And if you don't know what a shownote is, like me, ask somebody about 10 to 20 years younger than you, and they will help you figure it out. Or you can ask someone 60 to 70 years older than you, like Kelly, and she could probably help you figure it out. 2. All right, let's go out to Tampa, Florida, and talk to Becky. What's up, Becky?

[Becky]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call today.

[Stephen]

Of course.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's going on?

[Becky]

Well, just to give you a little bit of a backstory here, my husband and I have been together for 23 years, since I was 18 years old. We have three young kids. About two and a half years ago, he started six severely struggling with depression, chronic PTSD, anxiety. During that time, he started exercising. He lost about £100.

[Daniel]

Wow.

[Becky]

And then. Yeah, I know. But then a few months ago, I discovered some secret Reddit activity involving sexual conversations with men, and I had no idea. Like, that came as a complete shock. Okay. He denied it. He denied that those posts were him. Said somebody must have hacked into his account. He minimized it for weeks, even when I was completely falling apart and begging for honesty. However, we did start to rebuild. I thought, even though I don't truly believe him, you know, as long as he doesn't do anything like that again, maybe I can move on. I'm not going to throw away our family. And it was actually really good for a few weeks. Like, we were really more connected than we'd ever been before. It was. It was weird. And then I discovered that he'd also been using the Grindr app. Yeah, at least once during that rebuilding period. That was like, maybe four or five weeks. There were. And I looked at the history of the messages, most of it which occurred longer ago than during that rebuilding period that we were going through. But there were explicit messages exchanged, photos and videos, plans to meet, and even an address given on a Day that he said he went to the gym, of course I confronted him about that. I pretty much thought our relationship was over at that point in time. I removed the key. Our house keys from his. From his key ring. But he denied any physical encounters, begged me to stay and work on it. Promised, you know, that it was just messages. Said that he did it as a way to escape his mental health, things that was going on, and just try to become a different person than what he was in real life. And he's not sexually attracted to men, and it didn't mean anything. He never actually met up with people. Part of the game he was playing was, I guess, ghosting these men, so he claims. But he's lied to me now more than once. So my question is. And again, we're in a repair process now, and it's actually, again, like, weirdly, really good. Like, he's more focused on me and the kids, and we're doing all these things together. It's. It feels weird to, like, feel so good.

[Daniel]

Sorry.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, you're okay. Take a breath. Take a breath. But you know it's not real.

[Becky]

I just want to know if it's possible to rebuild.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Becky]

Even if I don't feel like I have the full truth, because I don't. I. I don't want to leave. I don't want to break our family.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Take a big, deep breath and hold it for a second.

[Stephen]

Okay. Hold it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Take a big, deep breath and hold it. And then count it down for 3, 2, and then exhale all the way up. I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Becky]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So, to answer a question you did not ask me, can you rebuild? Yes. To answer your question that you did ask me, can you rebuild with only part of the truth? No, you can't. You will always feel crazy.

[Becky]

I feel like I. I feel like I'm a. Like a PI And I'm trying to uncover what actually happened, and I'm looking up passwords, and I'm contacting the gym to see when he checked in. I don't want to live my life like that.

[Stephen]

Correct.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you shouldn't have to. Okay? So whether you stay, whether you go, whether your marriage makes it moving forward, I want you to hear me directly. You did not blow this up. He did. Okay. Whether you want to be a part of excavating on the site of your former home and rebuild a new home on that land, great. But you didn't blow this up. He did. You're trying to hold on to, like, the tornadoes over Your house, and it just blew your house down. And you're hanging on to the umbrella over the back patio furniture right now. Just let go for a second, okay? You're not crazy. And the, the thing I like the thing I want to focus in here, on here is what you're feeling, which is. I can't trust him. He's not telling me the truth. Okay.

[Becky]

I want to, but I don't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And I want you to trust that intuition. You've known him for a long, long, long time. Since you were a teenager.

[Becky]

Yeah. This behavior is, like completely out of left field.

[Stephen]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

His dishonesty. Has he fudged the, you know, is he, you know, lied a little bit here and there over the years or is this just the whole thing a blind side?

[Becky]

The whole thing is a blind side. He's generally always been a really good person. We've always had a good relationship. You know, it's been struggling in the last couple years with his mental health, and I've taken on a lot more of the home and responsibility with the kids, thinking that, you know, would help him relieve his burden. But then to find out he was doing this behind my back while I'm drowning more trying to take care of home and life and paying the bills and kids doctor's appointments. That is very hurtful.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. So there is, I've, I've heard this numerous times. There is truth to whether it's with gay relationships, whether it's with threesome, whether it's just things that are out of the norm for somebody. What used to, for all of human history, been a flash in a person's mind or even a place that a rabbit hole they went down in their own head now can take place online. So it might be true that he's been fantasizing about a thing just to feel alive and to feel like, wow. And to feel like, who knows? Or maybe he's bisexual, maybe. Who knows?

[Becky]

And that, that part is not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I, I, I can actually hear that. And you're like, that is, that doesn't seem to bother you as much as the dishonesty in the correct. The safety.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, if he's right hooking up men or women, it puts you in an incredibly unsafe situation.

[Becky]

I did go get STD tests, and they were all negative.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Great. Wonderful. And that, that's a wise thing for anybody who finds out their spouse is cheating on them. The second thing here is I would love to know about these pictures and videos. Is he sending explicit videos of him masturbating? Is he Sending videos of him dancing. Like, what did you see on these videos?

[Becky]

Genital pictures back and forth.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Becky]

And videos.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. In my book, in my world, that exceeds. I'm just playing fantasy. That's participation. Okay. And so. Right.

[Becky]

I don't understand.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Go ahead.

[Becky]

Sorry.

[Daniel]

Go ahead.

[Becky]

I was just gonna say I don't understand why someone would do that if they're not getting any sexual gratification.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right, right. And. And again, every sexuality is such a mess with people and what they're into and what excites them and what makes them feel alive. All the. That's just such a chaotic, specific thing for every individual person. But the way in my head. And this is. I don't have any science behind this. This is just me sitting with couple after couple after couple after couple. I have kind of layers or levels, which is thinking about somebody that if I thought these thoughts out loud, it would devastate my spouse. To engaging in what I'll call an emotional affair. Right. To sending photos and sending videos back and forth, explicit. And then to actually meeting up. And so this. I. I want you to hear me say this is a really big deal. Okay. Or take the. Take the. Take the other men off. If this was a woman and they were sending videos back and forth, nude videos and photos back and forth, there'd be no doubt in your mind. Right. And because this seems out of character for him, just because it's other men, it feels like there's a crack in, like a way to navigate through that and say, no, no, no, this is just me being ridiculous and, like, experimenting and what if. But if you replace the man with a woman, there'd be no question.

[Stephen]

Right,

[Becky]

Right. The only thing I. I don't even know if comfort is the right word, but, like, he doesn't personally know these people. No names were even exchanged, no face pictures or anything like that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And here's the thing. It might protect you emotionally that it's not your sister or your brother or your cousin, but the recklessness with which that. That activity is happening with strangers to me is an. Is an escalation of activity. It's. It. It. It is making this a almost more compulsory interaction.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's not just he's fallen for somebody and somebody else makes him feel alive or there's some. What does he do for a living?

[Becky]

Paramedic.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Becky]

There's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

They're like, I got friends and I've. I've run the streets with paramedics before. Paramedics, firefighters, cops. There is an. There's an Extra layer of intimacy because you're doing really wild stuff together. And so if this was a paramedic co worker of his, you'd still have the same infidelity issue. You'd still have the same. What am I trying to say? Like the same heartbreak, the same dishonesty you'd be dealing with. But in my mind, I get that because there's been an established relationship. Y' all are there at 2am with people screaming and yelling and you're saving lives.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There's an extra intimacy built into those things. This has a recklessness to it.

[Becky]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That is concerning. Okay, Big picture. There is no path forward for you to. If you can't exhale and say, I trust him.

[Stephen]

Now,

[Becky]

we do have couples therapy coming up.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay? And again, couples therapy doesn't have a great track record, statistically speaking. The path forward for you will be to go in very explicit and maybe you tell him on the front end, we're going to have a neutral third party. My expectation is you come fully, fully clean and he doesn't have to know. I'm not saying play games with him, but he doesn't have to know. He. He knows you've been looking and you've been digging. Say, my expectation is you come fully clean. I've called the gym, I've checked our bank account records. I've. Whatever looked at your gps. My expectation is you come fully clean. Okay.

[Becky]

Because this has a. Another. He would be admitting something more than just cheating. It would be an admission of a different sexual identity.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I. But it sounds like you're with him. It sounds like you love him as a person. You loved him and he was £100 up. You've loved him through his depression. You've loved him on his journey back. Like, and if that's the case, he's. Regardless of sexual identity, he committed to you.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so that the commitment he made there, if he wants to break that commitment, then that's his. That's his decision to make. And you and those kids will be left in the aftermath of that decision. But he made a commitment to you.

[Becky]

Yeah.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I mean, the conversations with identity are so fraught with electricity and rage and anger. And that's different than. There's an identity piece to this. There is a just sensation, like a, Like a. I am seeking somewhat reckless adventure. Man, woman, like, I don't care.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so before we get to all these identity layers and before you start projecting out 10 years down the road, I want you to come back to the present. Which is I don't believe I can trust the man I'm sharing a home with. And when we started the rebuild, this was still going on.

[Becky]

Right?

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So even if you sit down in front of this therapist with him and he says, I'm looking you dead in the eye. My wife of what, 20 years? 18 years? Is that what you said?

[Becky]

We've been together 23 years.

[Dr. John Deloney]

23 years. Almost a quarter century. Yes, I sent these videos. Yes, I sent these pictures. Yes, I was being reckless. And yes, there's now pictures and videos of me nude on the Internet forever that have been saved and screenshot by other strangers who I don't know and I don't know what they're going to do with it.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes, that happened. But I never ever physically cheated on you. And I'm sorry. And I was wrong.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If he does that, then the next step for you is going to be to decide a do I want to give him a path back. And I would recommend the path back be you go to a flip phone, brother, because I'm not going to play PI detective. I can't live my life like that. I got three other kids. And you get really specific about what path he would have to walk to re. Establish trust with you over time and being really sweet to you, being really kind, doing the dishes. That's not what we're looking for here. That's part of it. That's. That's the standard for every husband should have for their wife, Period. My gosh.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Becky]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The path is going to be. I don't trust you on electronics because while we were rebuilding, you had another account that you didn't tell me about. You watched me sob my eyes out in our living room and you said everything was fine and you had another account and you were still sending messages to people.

[Becky]

It didn't take me very much to find it. I just had never looked at his phone before. I trusted him. But as soon as I. It took me five minutes to find everything.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And also very well. Well. And sometimes people don't think to hide it. Sometimes after 23 and a half years, it doesn't occur to him that you would look at his phone. I will say there is major shifts in personalities when people lose. Go through a major life transformation.

[Becky]

Like he's gone through with the weight or the mental health or.

[Daniel]

Both, Both.

[Stephen]

Both.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so him suddenly opening his eyes and he's a hundred pounds lighter. And he has now not only the weight has gone, but his confidence is different.

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Becky]

I don't think he would have done this if he was 100 pounds heavier.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Maybe, maybe not. But. But again, if he's coming into his own and he's been, you know, part of the way he's coped with having to hide part of himself over the last 23 years or 25 years or 40 years, who knows? Has been food, has been chronically running around trying to help other people. Who knows? The reality is where you have to get to is I believe you're walking a path. But you have to hear me say you did not blow your family up. In this realization, this clarity should make you mad, make you real, real angry. Anger is right. And what you have to do is to commit to being the person you want to be as you show up and deal with what's the next right move. I hate that you're going through this, sister. I hate it. You call me back anytime. If he wants to call back, I'd love to talk to him too. But nothing gets rebuilt without trust. Nothing. We come back. A man asks how to overcome his anxiety and fear about his home issues and repairs as a brand new homeowner. Oh, God almighty. I've been there. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? You could get in shape. You could lose weight. You could change your marriage, you could change how you are as a parent. You can do so much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start every day. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what matters. And Hallow will give you 90 days for free for you to do the same. You can build a habit of reflection, build a habit of prayer. Listen. Hallow is simple and guided and it meets you where you are. It can help you anchor your faith. Practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. You can try Hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com deloney and ground yourself in every day to find peace in a world where peace is in short supply. That's three months for [e-mail] Deloney A lot of people avoid talking about life insurance because it forces them to imagine things they don't want to think about. I get it. But here's what you need to remember. Life insurance isn't really for you. It's protection for the people that you Love and the people who count on you. And I recommend term life insurance from Zander Insurance. Because when a family loses someone they depend on, the last thing they need is financial chaos on top of deep, deep grief. People don't always realize how much they carry for their family every day. Childcare, meals, transportation, paying bills, holding everything together. Term life insurance helps protect your family so they can focus on grieving and healing the if they were to lose you and not scrambling to figure out how to pay for things. Zander makes buying term life insurance simple. Their team shops top rated companies for you. Zander works for you, not the insurance companies. And they help you understand your options in plain language and helps you find coverage that fits your family and your budget without pressure, gimmicks, or confusion. Right now, you don't need a sales pitch. You need protection for your loved ones. Go to Zander.com today to get a quote. I've been using Xander to take care of my family for years, and it's time for you to call Xander, too. That's Xander with a z dot com. All right, let's roll out to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Daniel. Hey, Daniel. What's up, brother?

[Daniel]

What's up? Dr. Deloney, how you doing?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm good, my man. How are you?

[Daniel]

I'm doing fine. I'm doing fine right now. It's pretty hot out here, but we're surviving.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Texas is grinding this this year, man. It's going to be a hot summer for sure.

[Daniel]

For sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what's up?

[Daniel]

Yeah, man. First of all, I want to take y' all for taking my phone call. I' ma just get straight to the point. Honestly, I'm a recent homeowner about like a year now, like about a year and a half, going on to two years. And honestly, man, I just feel like every time something like a little thing turns my head turns to a big thing. For example, like, I hear the door squeak. I think the worst. I hear the. The dishwashers draining slowly. I think the worst. Like, my mind just goes everywhere. It goes to 0 to 100 real quick. I just want to overcome that anxiety that I have. So, like, I just. The smallest thing, I'm. I turn into a big deal, right? So, I mean, every little thing, I just look at it, well, what's the possibility? What's the root cause? And then when I dive deeper, I just feel like I just go into a rabbit hole, you know, just trying to find an explanation, trying to. Trying to see what's the. What's the root cause of it. And then yeah, just. I just want to overcome my fear of just being a homeowner. And then just, you know, just. It doesn't help that it's also expensive being a homeowner. A homeowner. So I just want to see what advice can you give me just to overcome those fear and anxiety that I have.

[Dr. John Deloney]

My man, do you know my story?

[Daniel]

I do not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I'm going to, at the end of this call, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of the book I wrote, building a non anxious Life.

[Daniel]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm going send you the audiobook too, because I know reading is not for everybody, but it's got the audiobook too. That book opens up with me crawling around in my backyard on all fours, looking for cracks in my foundation.

[Daniel]

I'm the same way, though. The same way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Dr. Every time there was a hairline, just a normal settling cracker on a doorway, I would call two or three contractors to come over and they would look at the house and they'd be like, dude, this house is great. And I'd. And you know what my thought was? Here I am. I can't fix nothing, dude. And here's like a professional contractor. And I'm like, he doesn't get it. He doesn't. He doesn't know. And I'd get another one. And I'd get another one. And so here's the thing. My guess is if you were to sell this house and just go back to renting, your mind would move to something else. Another problem that has little tiny. Like, where do you work right now?

[Daniel]

I'm sorry?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Where do you work?

[Daniel]

Oh, I work in the. In the restaurant industry.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Daniel]

Food and retail.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So my guess is, if you haven't before, you will. I don't want to put something in your mind so you'll do it after this call, but that you're always got your head on a swivel. You're watching to see how your supervisor is. Is. Is thinking about you. You're making sure like you probably keep an eye on the people you're taking care of. Out. Out in the lobby, right? Who's serving food. It's living this. Always on edge. Your body is always scanning 24 7, screaming at you. Here's another thing. Here's another thing. So here's. Here's why I'm telling you all this. I want you to exhale and consider the fact that your body is right. Okay.

[Daniel]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What if it's right? Not that your house has fallen down. But what if it's right, that you are in a pretty precarious financial situation, that if you needed a new refrigerator and a new dishwasher, you'd be in a mess? Or if your AC in Dallas, Texas, went out, you don't have the money to replace it.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If that's the case, then your body's actually right. It's trying to get your attention, that you are in. Your family, are in an unsafe situation. So we don't want to get rid of that alarm system. All anxiety is. Is a fire alarm, dude. And most of the time, we run around with a hammer trying to break all of the smoke detectors, or we climb up and try to take the batteries out of the smoke detectors when the real problem is there's a fire going on. Okay, so the challenge for you is to back out of your body's response to this crack, this little squeaky noise, this little weird sound in the dishwasher, and ask yourself, here's a. Here's. And I distilled all the way down into six choices. It's taken all the neuroscience, all the nerd stuff, all the way down to six things. Number one is, what's reality? What's the status of my financial situation that I run out and buy a house? Are you married right now?

[Daniel]

Yes, I am. Okay, you got kids on the way?

[Dr. John Deloney]

See, man, so your body's working perfectly. You should be nervous that you gotta. You should be anxious. You got a kid coming in, right? It's like if you're doing squats that somebody just threw two more 45 plates on each side, that bar got heavy, right?

[Daniel]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so instead of beating up your body or trying to avoid it, be like, okay, this thing just got real heavy, so I got to do what I got to do that I can start lifting this weight. And so choosing reality here is what. What is the true honest to God state of your marriage? What is the true honest to God state of your financial situation? What is the true situation of your work? Is there a chance you're gonna get laid off the next nine months, or is there a chance you're gonna get laid off the next year? Or are things pretty stable there?

[Daniel]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

So we're gonna go and we're gonna choose reality. The next thing is, do you have any male friends in your life that are ride or die bros that you could call in the middle of the night to help you out

[Daniel]

at the moment? I'm working on it.

[Stephen]

I'm working on it, dude.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No shade. This is just me going through the list. Okay, here's the thing. If your body knows you have no other men to call, it would be failing you if it let you sleep all night because it knows you're all you got.

[Daniel]

If.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If your body knows you've got nobody and no money in the, in the bank, it would be scree. It would. It would be not doing its job if it wasn't screaming at you all the time, you're not safe. You're not safe. You're not safe. And it's going to attach to weird stuff like cracks on a door or squeaks, but it's. It's trying to get your attention that we're not. Okay. All right. What's the state of your health

[Daniel]

right now? I say pretty normal. I mean, I feel pretty healthy. I go to the gym. I wouldn't say often, but at least two times out of the week I try to.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good.

[Daniel]

Try to go to a run with my wife and so forth.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's the state of your. Of your. What's the state of your sleep?

[Daniel]

Honestly? Not. Not that great. Honestly, I probably get like six hours of sleep and that's kind of pushing it. Okay. Yeah, I wouldn't say that great, to be honest.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, so here's what I want you to. To make a commitment. Okay. The restaurant work that you do, are you working late into the night?

[Stephen]

Yes.

[Daniel]

Yes. Like around 11? I get off.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, here's. I want you to try something for 30 days. Will you make a commitment to me and everybody listening?

[Daniel]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When you get off of work, I want you to check your phone just for text messages and whatnot. Absolutely no sports scores, no news, nothing. Check to make sure your friends and family are okay, your wife's okay. And then I want you to turn that phone completely off and don't turn it back on until you wake up the next morning at 9 o' clock in the morning?

[Daniel]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so here's what I want you to do. I want you to begin developing a practice where you sleep seven hours a night and it's going to take you about two months to land that plane. It's hard, okay?

[Daniel]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But your brain is going to get all kind of cattywampus if you're not sleeping.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Daniel]

All right, I'm sorry. Not to rope, doctor, but just. Just to add, my. My wife, she.

[Becky]

She sees me.

[Daniel]

She sees me go crazy sometimes. So she, she tells me, like when things are calm or things are. Are. Are pretty stable, she Just feels like I can't relax. She always seems like, go, go, go, go, go. Like every little thing I just try to find out, I make it to a big deal. So that's one thing I, I try to, I try to make myself self aware. But yeah, like I said, and I noticed that as well, like I'm a type of individual that I really can't relax. Like I always have to do something, whether it be working, doing house chores or.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How did you grow up? Mom. Mom and dad in the house?

[Daniel]

Yes, yes, both of them were now, but I will say both of them were like on the go as well. 24 7. Everything factor of it. Of, of, you know, just my, my lifestyle. But yeah, I just feel like growing up my parents were just on the go, go, go as well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here. This is going to sound nutty, but there might be a season when you look at her and you say, I need to get three months of an emergency fund in the bank because our family's not safe.

[Daniel]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so we're going to not go out to eat. We're not going to do crazy things. We wanted to go on a trip before the baby was born. We're not going to do that either. We're going to stack cash and I'm going to work extra shifts at the restaurant. I'm going to go get another shift at another restaurant and I'm going to get us. But I want you and her to talk about a dollar amount. Okay. And I'm going to send you the Every dollar app and it's going to help you all create a budget together.

[Daniel]

Okay? Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What Anxiety. Love doesn't. Love is facts. Okay?

[Daniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When you have, like when you say we have. I'm going to grind it out until we get 15 grand in the bank, 10 grand in the bank. And then on the other end of that, my commitment to you is when I get home at 11 o'. Clock, well, she might already be in bed, especially if she's got a newborn, right?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But we're going to commit to a long, slow breakfast together in the morning. No phones, no tv, no electronics. Just us.

[Stephen]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you. This is going to sound crazy, but I want you to begin to practice. This is practice, a skill you don't have. It doesn't mean you're a bad guy. In fact, you're a great guy. You care about your wife, you care about this new baby. You care about making sure your family's safe. You care about you being safe. Right. I want you to practice exhaling and relaxing. Here's how you do that. I've. I. I carried a journal around with me for years, and all I did was write down the crazy fears I was having. What if the restaurant goes under? What if the. The price of beef keeps going up and people quit buying our burgers and our steaks and our enchiladas and it goes away? Right. I would write down all those crazy fears. Because you know what? Here's the deal. You can't do anything about any of that stuff. All you can do is show up at the restaurant, the best version of yourself, and do the best job you can serving people who come to you and say, I want a great meal.

[Stephen]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But writing those things down and getting them out of your head is huge, bro. I carried around a thing with me for years. I have one in my bag right this second. I have a bag right below my desk in the studio that I still write down stuff. But I'll tell you, after doing this for years, I have very few of those things now.

[Daniel]

Right, right. Okay. So, yeah, that's very helpful. You know, just jotting the. Just jotting the fears down and then just jotting what I can control. And just the fact.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's what I do, though. I write them down and then I give them a day.

[Daniel]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because when I write them down, I'm still pretty hot on it. My emotions are still running pretty hot.

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A day later, I can look at that fear I wrote down and I can say, hey, is this real? Is my house really falling apart because the door squeak? No. Can I go get a four dollar can of WD40 and fix that? Yeah, I can do that. And the next thing is, can I control any of this? It might be that the fear is real. The beef prices this year are nuts, Right?

[Daniel]

Sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's true.

[Daniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

People are buying fewer burgers and steaks out at restaurants. That's true. Nothing we can do about it. So you're gonna ask yourself, can I control any of that? No. Can I make it rain more in Texas? No. Okay, cool. What can I control here, man? I better make my restaurant experience the best. Best opportunity for somebody to get away from their home for a night and have a great time. That's all you can control there, right?

[Daniel]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And. But again, all of this, dude, like, hear me say this over and over. You're a good man.

[Daniel]

I try to be.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, I know you are. I know you are. And there are seasons when we grind it out. I just finished a grinding out season that was About a year long. And me and my wife planned for it six months before it started, and we both knew it. But once that finish line hit that finish line hit, right?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so, dude, you are on the right path. Hang on the line. I'm going to hook you up with that book and we're going to keep this thing going. And also I'm going to send you the Together app for you and your wife. You got a new baby coming, so I'm going to send you two apps. One is the budgeting app. Every dollar app. Okay? It's awesome. You and your wife use this thing. This is choosing reality. What is our true financial situation? Okay. And the second one is the Together app, which is going to give you a thing you can do towards your wife every morning. And if she wants in on it, she can do it too. A thing to you. And then you are going to ask each other things like what does. Like what is a way she can love you? Well, when you're starting to spin up a little bit, just telling you, why don't you relax? That ain't gonna help sometimes. It's just, I'm gonna hold your hand and we're gonna watch one episode of a TV show. We're gonna go for a walk together, right? And you ask her, how can I. How can I love you? When I get home at 11 o', clock, I'll do. I'll do a chore or two around the house and I'll make sure I'm doing my part here at the house too, because we're about to have a baby and I never saw my dad do that kind of stuff. But I'm gonna be a. I'm gonna be a different dad than he was. He did the best he could with the tools he had. But I'm gonna be a different kind of dad. That's awesome, man. It's awesome. But it will give you all language to talk with each other about it. But you're on the right path, my man. Do not try to avoid anxiety. Go right through the middle of it, Go right to where the smoke is coming from and see if you can find the fire. And if you're worried about your house, get a contractor over there to look at it, list your concerns, and they're going to tell you, yeah, this is an issue, not an issue, not an issue. And this one issue, you can wait five years for, you fix it, or this needs to be fixed right away. And now you have a real thing that you can go attack. But, brother, I'm glad to have gotten the chance to talk to you. You're a good man, dude. You're gonna be a great, great dad. We come back, a man asks how to raise a confident son when he struggles with his own self confidence. Great question. We'll be right back. All right, so I went into this local corner store the other day, and I just wanted to buy a few things. When I went to check out, here's what they asked me for. They asked me for my address, my phone number. They wanted a picture. They wanted the names of my kids and my family, my Social Security number. All right, I went too far. They didn't ask for all that stuff. But listen, I just wanted some paper plates and some cups, and they wanted my soul. And this doesn't just happen at the corner store. It's happening every time we buy anything. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Deleteme. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information, and more are just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. Delete me finds your personal information online and they remove it for you. Not just once. They keep monitoring for it and cleaning it up. Month after month, you can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is, because you cannot build a peaceful life if parts of your life are being sold online without your permission. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona, where it's extra hot and talk to Stephen. What's up, Stephen?

[Stephen]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call. My question is, how can I raise a confident son when I don't have confidence in myself and I have some, like, backstory.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I'd love to hear it. What's going on?

[Stephen]

And I wrote it down. It's pretty short, but just that's how I do it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So as a guy struggling with confidence, I applaud you writing it down. Good for you, man.

[Stephen]

Okay, thank you. So along with attributes I value, like a strong work ethic and protecting the people in my life, I was raised to hate my body, to chase love through my efforts, and to know that nothing I do is good enough. My wife has a Chronic illness, and my son has level 2 autism. Caring for them is great for that part of me that needs to serve. But I don't know how to feel loved without working for it. And I don't want that for my son. I always try to encourage my son's hard work, but follow up with the fact that I would love him even if he couldn't do any of the amazing things he can do. But I'm so worried that he's going to grow up with all of my issues. I'm afraid he's going to turn out like me. How do I raise him to love himself and be a better man than me?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, man. Man, that's a lot you're carrying, brother.

[Daniel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I just gotta say, it's a, it's a high honor that I get to talk to you. You're a good dad, and you're a good husband. You're a good man.

[Stephen]

I don't feel that way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know feelings don't tell us the truth sometimes. A lot of the time.

[Stephen]

Yeah, I, I can recognize that, like, mentally and logically.

[Daniel]

But then I know, I know.

[Stephen]

That's always how I live it out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know. What are ways you deal with, like, the things that you don't tell anybody about? What are ways you deal with looking in the mirror and hating the guy that you see? Alcohol, pornography? Like, what are ways you deal with it? Or do you just squash it all?

[Stephen]

I, I, I would say that it's, I'm not struggling with right now, but emotionally, eating is definitely something.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yep.

[Stephen]

That, that I've dealt with. I've had, I've had some alcohol and pornography stuff in the past, but that's kind of years behind me. But, yeah, eating feels good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Stephen]

And so I'll do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, man. So the thing I want to ask you is, what is it about you forget the fact how you were raised? People put stories in your mind. I get that. What is it about you when you look in the mirror, what is it about you that you don't, like?

[Stephen]

I feel like I'm always, I think, letting myself down.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, be specific. How are you letting Stephen down?

[Stephen]

I mean, just even day to day. Like, I, I don't, like, do all the things that I, you know, expect to do or want myself to do. And it, I feel like it's always just because of my own, like, inability to follow through or shortcomings or, you know, Oh, I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I, okay, but do you hear the, the vagueness? Be specific for me. What are Some ways you've let down, Steve, in this past week. When you. When you said I needed to do some things and then you didn't do them.

[Stephen]

I mean, I. I have projects that, like, just personal projects that I've wanted to work on. Like, I'm really good at starting things and never finishing them.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Stephen]

And so, like, there's, you know, specific things that I've, you know, had goals to attain, you know, this week that, like, I haven't even worked on. Like, I. I did make it to the gym this morning, you know, first day of the week that I did that, so that was good. But I. I don't know. I just don't complete what I kind of set up for myself.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So I want you to catch your language, how you shifted. Okay?

[Stephen]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Everything feels like you're under one of those anxiety blankets. You know, those blankets that are like 10 or 20 or 30 pounds, they're just heavy and they're all over you. When you start getting specific, you immediately switch to, I let myself down. I don't do what I need to do. And when I pressed you a few times, you said, well, there's some things I want to do. And what I hear is you're a guy that's got some stuff you want to do, and I'm going to make some stuff up.

[Stephen]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You got a car you want to rehab, you have a yard you want to do some landscaping in or whatever. And you have a wife that needs extra love and care. You have a son that takes extra responsibility. And you put the things that you want on the back burner to make sure your family is okay, that my brother makes you a good man.

[Stephen]

I just feel like that another man would be doing better.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, I want. I'm going to tell you your feelings are wrong. Okay? Because your whole life, what you felt didn't matter. And so I want you to let it seep into your body that your temperature gauge, that is your feelings, has been distorted over time by how you grew up, by the stories you were told about you. You don't look right, you don't do right. Your essence, like, who you are isn't enough. Right. So your feelings are a temperature gauge. And so I want you to exhale and say, man, my folks growing up, they messed up my temperature gauge. And you see how that's a mechanical thing. It's not a character thing. It's not a moral thing. On top of that, you made sure everybody was okay, and then you got your butt in the gym this morning that's a huge freaking win. Because I'll tell you, most men, if I look at the data, would not have gone this morning. They would have been angry at their wives for not feeling well. They would have been frustrated at the cosmos, at God because their kid has autism, and they would have been buried by all that. And instead, you did what you needed to do and then you went and took care of yourself. You went and filled your picture up so that you can spend the rest of your day serving. It's a good man. Okay? You don't have to believe me, but I'm. I'm right. I'm right on this one. Okay? And you probably have spent your whole life that when somebody challenges you on your self image, you immediately dump them into a bucket of. Well, they're lying or they're crazy or they're dumb. I'm a little bit crazy, but I'm not dumb and I tell the truth. Okay.

[Stephen]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is there any chance you have a mirror around you right now?

[Stephen]

A small one. I'm sitting in my car in the garage, so I got my rear view mirror. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want you to tilt the rear view mirror down so you can look in it.

[Stephen]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to put your fist in the middle of your chest and I want you to look in that mirror and say these words out loud. I love this guy.

[Stephen]

I love this guy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Say it again.

[Stephen]

I love this guy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. My guess is you've never said those words out loud to yourself before. Have you?

[Stephen]

Said the opposite?

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right. So you cannot do one thing about the stories you were told growing up. Zero.

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You can't do anything about the stories that were put into your body. The only thing you can do, those. Those stories have a period at the end of their sentences. The only thing you can do is begin to write a new story. And you cannot build something new inside yourself based on hate. Or to put it in the words of my buddy Sal DeStefano, if you go to the gym every day because you hate the way you look and you think you're gross and this is what you get, you're always going to struggle up and down with disordered eating, with self loathing, with shame and all that, if you open your eyes and you say, I get an hour today to go fill up my pitcher so I can spend the rest of the day serving this wife of mine and this kid of mine, you're going to go to the gym for the rest of your life. If you walk by the mirror and you look at Yourself. And you don't think you have abs enough or look right or whatever. And you say you're disgusting, you're gross. And then you go out and try to love your wife recklessly. Try to give your son what you didn't get growing up. It's always going to be from a place of deficit.

[Stephen]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's what I want you to hear me say. This is literally practice because you've never done it before.

[Stephen]

My.

[Dr. John Deloney]

My counselor, my therapist, she had me practice this in the mirror with my shirt off, with my fist in my chest, looking at myself saying the words, I love this guy. And it sounds narcissistic and it sounds self serving, but what it did was I began to exhale and say, I'm a good guy. I'm not a bad man. My son didn't strike out when he got me as a dad. My wife didn't marry somebody. She. She would have been better off she'd married somebody else. Just the right guy for the people in my life. And then I'm going to ask myself, what are the things I need to go do today?

[Stephen]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you probably have some projects you probably should start thinking through before you start them.

[Stephen]

Right. Fair.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Me too. That doesn't make us bad men. That makes. What does my wife call it? Overly optimistic about time and ability.

[Stephen]

Right. Yeah, sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'll get the house re roofed in a weekend. I won't. So I'm gonna have to call somebody. You know what I'm saying?

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's the thing. You can't fake it with your son. Your son's gonna watch you. Your son's gonna listen to you, he's gonna absorb you. And that should terrify you a bit. And hopefully that lights a fire under you to not run from the man

[Daniel]

you are,

[Dr. John Deloney]

but from the inside out. Believe I'm just the right man for this little boy at this time in this place. And you want to give him confidence, here's how we do it. Practice saying the words I was wrong. Bring him along to every possible thing you can. And with a kid with autism, depending on where he falls, that might be more difficult sometimes than others. Right?

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Take him to breakfast once a week. Keep showing up and keep showing up. Love his mother exhaustively. You get what I'm saying?

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What do you do for a living?

[Stephen]

My wife and I run an online business.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How's it going?

[Stephen]

It's going pretty good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What does that mean?

[Stephen]

We were actually trying to. Trying to sell it recently, but some things fell through with it. On the buyer's end. And so we're just trying to kind of get back into the swing of it and.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but is it time to go get a new job?

[Stephen]

No. I mean, financially, we're doing very well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Stephen]

That's not a concern right now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. I'm going to send you a copy of my book, Building a Non Anxious Life also. Okay. I want you to read it cover to cover.

[Stephen]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm also going to challenge you right when we get off the phone, I want you to get online and I want you to buy my buddy Michael Easter's book, the Comfort Crisis. Okay. And I'll link to it in the show notes. Also, for anyone else, it's a masterpiece. But here's the challenge. You're not going to become self confident by thinking your way into it. You're going to have to do a bunch of little bitty things that build up over time. Confidence is earned at. I mean, at the cellular level, from the inside out. So you need. You got to fix something. I'll tell you this. The day I called somebody to come out and repair my. I have a big zero turn mower because I got acres and acres to mow and it was going to cost a jillion dollars for someone to come out. So I just got frustrated. I hung up the phone and I got online on Amazon and I ordered all the parts myself and I can't fix anything. And I got my 14 year old out. Maybe he was 15 at the time. And we got a YouTube video out and together. It took us four hours to do it. But when, dude, when I turned that key and it sputtered to life, watching him jump up and down and cheer and him seeing me yelling over the mower with my fist raised in the air, we did it. Confidence. Yeah, confidence. You get what I'm saying?

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Little bitty things. He'll tell that story at my funeral. He will not tell the fact that dad got number one books at my funeral. He'll tell the story we were trying to fix a mower together, and my dad was a goofball. You get what I'm saying?

[Stephen]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But all that starts with my buddy Stephen looking in the mirror with his fist in his chest saying, I love this guy. I'm worth being loved and I'm a good man. And then I'm gonna go do. Regardless of my feelings, I'm gonna go do the next right thing. It's an honor to get to talk to you, brother. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Summer is here, and everything changes this time of year. The kids are out of school. Routines go out the window. You're traveling more and you're probably sleeping less. And if you're not careful, you can end up running on fumes. If you don't slow down and take care of yourself. All that stress does not just disappear. It shows up in your body, in your work, in your attitude, in relationships and your patients. It shows up everywhere. And if you've recently been in therapy and seeking help, it's important to keep finding ways to get the help you need, especially when your routines are all blown up. And this is why I'm a big fan of Better Help. Better Help is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. All of Better Help's therapist follow a strict code of conduct, and you can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the app. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Keep getting the help you need. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Matt in Racine, Wisconsin. And he asks, he says, I started golfing with my son two years ago.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes, you're the problem. Stop golfing.

[Kelly]

That wasn't the question.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Yeah. He is 16 and a sophomore and plays on the high school golf team. Now he doesn't want me to come to any of his matches. I love going to my kids sporting events, so this was really hard for me. I told him I would just come to one this year and he could pick which one. He assures me that it's not because of anything I do. I've asked if there's anything I can do differently and he says no. He says it's just annoying when parents come. Am I the problem for not honoring his requests?

[Becky]

Ooh.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Ah, that was tough. I, I could tell you in my house. And again, my son's 16.

[Daniel]

I,

[Dr. John Deloney]

I, I would have set it up a long time ago. I'm coming. And so, ah, that's tough. Here's the thing. I think there's something bigger going on.

[Kelly]

Me too.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, there's something bigger going on. Whether it's the coaching, whether it's the shame, whether, like, he's not as good as you or you throw tempered. I don't know what the thing is, but by and large, kids want their Parents around when they know their parents are safe places to be around and so. Or safe people to be around and so I don't know why. My gut tells me, obviously if it was me, I'm going, I'm going. But I would want to get to the bottom of why your kid doesn't want you around. And if your kid is looking at you saying it's annoying when parents are around, I want you to hear that as it's annoying when you're around. And I want you to dig into what, what's going on. And placing the burden of what's going on on a 16 year old is a weight they can't carry. So it's you choosing to be reflective. Am I always complaining? Am I always coaching? Am I over coaching? Am I always nitpicking to swing? There's this or fix your hair or why am I that parent? Or is, am I really just totally supportive and great? And I mean, I have such an opposite experience. This morning I went to my, my son and his team made the state meet as a sophomore. I was so proud of him. I went to that meet. I was like a nerd in hog heaven because I, I love, love high school and college track meets with all my guts and I like timing everybody. I like cheering them on. I'm such a nerd. My wife is like, you get two track times to tell me because she doesn't know any of them. And I'm obsessed with splits and times. And that was last week and this week my son was like, dad, this year I want to get this time. And I'm like, you want to work with me over the summer? This morning he got up at 6 and we got after it this morning. So like I have such an opposite experience. I don't even have a psychology for this. But if a kid, a teenager is saying, I don't want you around, that means something bigger is in the ecosystem. What do you think this is so hard for me to even wrap my head around?

[Kelly]

I think I would either talk to the coach or ask some of the other parents, like, do you go find out? I mean, is it something that like literally nobody else shows up and you're the only one and then barring that, or yeah, you know, talk to the coach and hey, is there like, do you have, do you not want parents there? What's going on? And then if it's, if other parents are saying no, I go up to everyone, then you know you've got an issue.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or maybe, yeah. And maybe coach has said told the students, I don't want your parents here driving me crazy. Do. And maybe that's it.

[Kelly]

Yeah. That's why I would start with some of the other parents at the.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's wise. That's wise. That's wise. I mean, I'm e on my son's team. Hit. One of the coaches had a kid who was on the. Who's on. Also on the team. And the kid is literally like us class, like a absolute incredible runner. And when he crossed the finish line and won by one thousandth of a second state meat, I heard his coach, who's also his mom, she cheered and I smiled. From here. I'm getting goosebumps again because that cheer was not a coach. That cheer was a mom. And it was so awesome because we were all cheering anyway. Most of the time, if kids know they're loved and safe and they're rallied around, they want their parents there. And I'm gonna always go to the mirror on that one, but I think you're wise. Kelly. Check with the coach. Chief coaches said, no, I don't want any parents here. And if that's the case, then I would honor that. That's a tough one, man. You stumped me, Kelly. Love you guys.

[Daniel]

By.