I’ve Been Struggling With Porn Since I Was 10 Years Old

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode: I’ve Been Struggling With Porn Since I Was 10 Years Old
Air Date: February 20, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony
Podcast Network: Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This listener-driven episode features Dr. John Delony offering direct, compassionate advice to callers dealing with personal and relational struggles. The main focus is Lane, a young man battling a long-term pornography addiction. The episode also touches on relationship challenges from other callers—most notably, Andrew, wrestling with the aftermath of his wife’s affair, and Matthew, whose wife is moving out of state for work. Dr. John brings his signature blend of humor, empathy, and practical wisdom to each situation, guiding listeners toward self-reflection, intentional community, and honest action steps.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Lane’s Struggle with Pornography Addiction (00:05–16:54)

Lane's Story and Emotional State

• Lane shares his battle with pornography, starting at age 10 and continuing into his early twenties. He describes feeling consumed, shameful, and grossed out after viewing pornography.
• Dr. John highlights Lane’s courage in sharing openly:

  "Bro, this is a courageous question you're asking. ... I'm proud of you." (01:58)

• Lane is supported by his father, who knows about his struggle and expresses pride in Lane's efforts to change.

Understanding the Addiction

• Dr. John reframes addiction as a repeated behavior despite negative consequences and prompts Lane to imagine life without pornography:

  "Paint me a picture of what that life looks like for you." (04:08)

• Lane envisions confidence, social engagement, and the removal of emotional numbness:

  "I feel like it drowns me out. Like, it takes away from my potential." (04:43)

Root Causes and Big Questions

• Dr. John encourages Lane to examine what underlying pain or void pornography is helping him escape:

  "If you look at pornography…like a crutch, what ailment in your legs is it helping you get through your day from?" (06:18)

• Identifies common roots for men: loneliness, purposelessness, lack of real-world excitement.

Strategies for Healing

• Community and Transparency:
  • Find in-person relationships, adventure, and challenge.
  • Commit to a small core group—no more secrets.

  "Shame eats secrets for breakfast." (Brené Brown, 10:29)

• Environmental Changes:
  • Remove or restrict access to pornography—consider accountability software, flip phones, or removing "frictionless" devices.
• Habits and Support Systems:
  • Develop small new habits, plug into real community, and seek environments that celebrate and challenge him.
  • Seek a professional counselor.

  "You've done that long enough, man. You got to be exhausted, right? …Let's try some different things because that's not working. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're wise." (15:30)

• Identity Reimagination:
  • Start thinking of himself as a man who doesn't look at pornography, letting this new identity drive behavior.

Memorable Quotes:

• "What does this protect me from? How is this serving my body? …The truth about alcohol is it works. It takes away pain of loss, and then it will eventually take everything from you as well." (06:18)
• "We’re going to begin…to bring together the secret parts of us and the whole parts of us into a unified person. That doesn’t mean you’re going to walk in and announce that to everybody." (11:32)

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2. Andrew’s Dilemma: Disclosing a Spouse’s Affair (19:05–31:13)

The Situation

• Andrew, recovering from his wife’s past affair, wonders if he should tell his family about it.
• Dr. John explores Andrew’s motivation:

  "Why do you want to tell your family?" (19:31)

• Andrew admits to feeling lonely and looking for support, not retribution.

Advice on Disclosure

• Dr. John compares secrets to "lighting matches for excitement":

  "If you’re feeling alone...you want some people on your side...don’t do that, man." (20:03)

• Advises discretion, focusing on strengthening the marriage rather than seeking sympathy or validation from family—unless the family is truly a safe, supportive place.
• Recommends Andrew find supportive friends or a counselor for ongoing processing, rather than burdening the larger family system with sensitive information.

Rebuilding and Identity

• Encourages Andrew and his wife to ask:

  "Who do y'all want to become? ...Create a list of action steps that help you get there." (30:32)

• Highlights the value of mundane consistency in building strong relationships.

Memorable Quotes:

• "Success in anything takes a whole lot of daily boring. Next. Right. Things." (25:04)
• "Are you becoming a guy that you respect?" (27:42)
• "Often we find out who we are after things burn to the ground." (29:34)

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3. Matthew’s Long Distance Marriage Plan (33:28–44:55)

The Situation

• Matthew’s wife moves out-of-state for work, with a plan to reunite after his child finishes high school.
• Matthew seeks advice on maintaining and even strengthening the marriage during the separation.

Delony’s Guidance

• Intentionality:
  • Be proactive: establish routines for regular communication (“concrete as possible”—buy plane tickets, schedule calls, etc.), openly discuss fears about distance and emotional connection.
• Honesty and Transparency:
  • Bring up and address concerns over fidelity, emotional needs, and daily logistics.

  "Let’s talk about everything...But then let’s save some space for 'what are you scared about?'" (41:15)

• Creativity and Fun:
  • Inject playfulness and romance via technology (suggests "inappropriate texting" with his wife).
  • Plan celebratory reunions, adventures, and routines to preserve family connection.
• Honoring the Difficulty:
  • Accept that long-distance is hard, but possible with intentional effort and no secrets.

Memorable Quotes:

• "It's being intentional about all of it. ...It is these things that we take for granted. The touching of your arm, the eye roll…How do we build those things in electronically? For a short season, I don't think it's sustainable long term. But for a season we can do anything if we're honest about it." (44:55)

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Additional Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Church Friendships:
  • Lane admits most peers at church aren’t a true support group—just "hanging out" rather than growing together. Dr. John presses the need for authentic, supportive community.
• On Taking Bold Steps:

  "Bold steps, white knuckling it...you've done that long enough, man...Let's try some different things...It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're wise." (15:30)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Lane’s Call – Struggle with Pornography: 00:05–16:54
• Andrew’s Call – Telling Family about Wife’s Affair: 19:05–31:13
• Matthew’s Call – Long Distance Marriage Planning: 33:28–44:55

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Podcast Tone and Style

Dr. John Delony’s approach is honest, warm, and direct. He leverages humor and personal experiences to build rapport, all while offering evidence-based and practical strategies. The episode highlights both the pain and hope inherent in real-life relationships and personal growth.

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For New Listeners

This episode is essential for anyone struggling with addiction, challenging marriage moments, or significant life transitions. Dr. John’s no-nonsense, encouraging style ensures that vulnerable callers leave with actionable steps and a reminder that they’re not alone.

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Notable Episode Quote:

"I'm proud of you, man. We come back, a man asks if he should tell his family about the affair his wife had with her boss..." (16:54)

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Transcript

[Lane]

This ongoing addiction that's been happening since I was around 10 years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pornography? Yes.

[Lane]

It's like. It feels kind of consuming, like something that's kind of taking me over. Once I give into it, I dislike myself more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dislike is not really a truthful way to say that, is it? What up? What's going on? This is Jon, Dr. John DeLoney's show. Just talking to Kelly off air about data. I like to look at data and listen to it and believe it. She is like, nah, I don't agree with it. It's just numbers in reality, but whatever. And right now, she is giving me the universal sign of love, which is a wave minus most of the fingers. But on this show, I won't do that to you. If you edit that part out, you aren't as courageous as I thought you were. Kelly, on this show, I sit with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. Unlike Kelly, who is just mean to people. So let's go out to Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Baton Rouge and talk to Lane. What's up, Lane?

[Lane]

Hey, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, brother?

[Lane]

Yeah, so I just wanted to talk to you about this ongoing addiction that's been happening since I was around 10 years old. And that was the first time I ever experienced that. And then once it happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's that? What's that? What's that? Pornography?

[Lane]

Yes, pornography.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lane]

Or nudity of any kind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lane]

Yeah. So, like, that was the first time I had ever experienced it. And then over the years, it just kind of got worse and became more part of my life that I just continued to deal with. So how old are you? Yeah, I'm just looking at. I'm 22,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

bro. This is a courageous question you're asking. I just want to tell you, like, shout out. I'm proud of you.

[Lane]

Thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a knife in your spirit, isn't it?

[Lane]

Yes, very much so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Paint me a picture of before. When you're fighting yourself. And after.

[Matthew]

What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

After you're done consuming pornography, what do you. What do you feel?

[Lane]

I'd say when I'm first tempted to do so, it's like it feels kind of consuming, like something that's kind of taking me over. Like something that I. Oh, that's a feeling that I'm desiring. And then once I give into it, then after I come out of it, I dislike myself more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Dislike is not really a truthful way to say that, is it?

[Lane]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you feel?

[Lane]

I feel shame.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Grossed out.

[Lane]

Yes, grossed out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hate that dude. It's almost like. It's almost like another guy, right?

[Lane]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. What's life look for you right now? Like, what do you do? You go to school? You working? What are you doing?

[Lane]

Well, I'm working full time with my dad right now. He's a salesman of a door and window company, and I'm working under him to try to do what he does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you enjoy it? You like it?

[Lane]

Yeah, I do enjoy it a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Are you good at it?

[Lane]

And then I'm involved in. Yeah, I'm getting better at it. Working daily, trying to learn under him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool. Is he a good guy, good role model for you?

[Lane]

Yeah, absolutely. He's always been there for me whenever I'm needed.

[Andrew]

Him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he know about this?

[Lane]

Yes, he does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does he say?

[Lane]

He says he's proud of me for taking a step toward a change.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when you envision your life minus pornography, or. Let me. Let me just say it this way. So like a rudimentary definition of an addiction, there's a behavior that we continue to engage in despite negative consequences that we know is bad for us. We keep doing it over and over again. Right. When you picture your life with this thing removed, paint me a picture of what that life looks like for you.

[Lane]

I would say more confident, more willing to engage in conversations. Less fear, more willing to do what I want to do or even be able to feel what I'm wanting to feel. I feel like it drowns me out. Like, it takes away from my potential.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you coming at this from, like, a moral stance? Like, you think this is wrong? Are you coming at this from, like, there's been a lot of. A lot of, like, what I would call secular podcasters and media. Like, people who aren't, like. Aren't really worried about the morality of pornography. They're just like, dude, it's bad for your brain. Like, tell me. Tell me which path you're taking here. How. How are you coming to this idea? Like, I want to not be a part of this anymore.

[Lane]

I'd say mainly from a moral standpoint, because I'm a. I'm a Christian and I'm deeply involved in my church. But then the other side of it is also the implications and everything that's involved with the psychology behind it and how it affects especially young men.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, there you go. So it's all of it, huh?

[Lane]

Yes, it's all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I can give you some. Some, like. Some tactics. Okay. Some strategies, and they're proven over time. If you'll do them. All right, but before I do that, I want you to spend some time asking yourself a couple of bigger questions that you're not going to be able to answer all at the same time. Okay?

[Lane]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So question the big question number one is what does what, what if pornography works? If it works, what is it protecting you from? And so if you look at pornography, alcohol, drugs, if you look at them like a crutch, what, what ailment in your legs is? Is it your ankle, your knee, your calf mus. Like, what is it helping you get through your day from? Because what I like to say, not about all addictions, but especially when they become pathological, meaning when they take over your life and they've quote, unquote, lost their utility and they just run things now, which is what you're describing. Okay? But I always want to ask, what is this? What does this protect me from? How is this serving my body? Because the truth about alcohol is it works. It takes away pain of loss, and then it will eventually take everything from you as well.

[Lane]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or often for guys who struggle with pornography, there's a sense of aimlessness, loneliness, purposelessness. There's a lack of lived aliveness inside of us. We don't have lives outside of the computer that bring us excitement, joy, fun, adventure. We're living dead, soulless lives. And so pornography serves as a, as

[Matthew]

a

[Dr. John DeLoney]

pathetic little bump in excitement absent from the real, the real world.

[Lane]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So here's the thing. You could throw away your phone and you could throw away your computer access. You can just get rid of it all. You could extract this poison from you today, in large part right now. We all know you can go find it wherever you want to find it, right? But you could smash your TVs, you could disconnect your Wi Fi, you could get rid of your phone and go to a flip phone. You could do all that today. But the question I would ask is for most people who struggle with addiction, that leaves them not whole. It leaves them hollow. Do you get what I'm asking?

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I would ask you, where do you have real, in person live relationships that you have adventure, spark, life? We don't have to keep secrets where you have a gang. Where are you putting yourself in really awkward situations where I, I, one of the things I, I lament the most for your generation is you'll probably never spend an entire movie not paying attention to the movie at all. Just trying to get in the right position so you can maybe hold hands with somebody, right? There's A sense of aliveness and silliness and play and just like, ah, that is completely extracted from culture now.

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's asking, where are you putting yourself in those situations where you can meet real people, real romantic interest, real humans that make you uncomfortable, that make you nervous, that fill you up? Like, where is that?

[Lane]

I would say my church is probably in one place as of right now, because I'm going to like, in between position in my life where a lot of my friends are off in college. And even if it's the college in my city, it's just I don't really have a big group of friends as far as meeting new people and getting out and doing things. Like, I have a core group of friends that I've had for years, but it's not, I guess, in the way of we're all growing together. It's just we're all kind of hanging out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. So if you want to stop a thing, whether it's alcohol, whether it's pornography, one of the core things you have to do is surround yourself with people who don't do that thing. And when it comes to pornography, that's. That's damn near impossible, dude. Right? I look at the stats on young men, it's like in the upper 90 90th percentile, it's hard. Or at least a group of guys that'll call each other out. And I'm going to quote the great Brene Brown here, shame eats secrets for breakfast. So the second thing I want you to do is to commit to a small core group of people. Whether that's your dad, whether that is a gang, whether it's a couple of guys, it's some people you trust at your church. I'm not keeping any more secrets. I let myself down again last night. I looked at pornography again yesterday. I. I downloaded all the apps back and logged back in and yada, I did that yesterday.

[Lane]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're gonna stop living this secret internal life that nobody else knows.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're going to begin. It's called congruence. We're going to bring together the secret parts of us and the whole parts of us into a unified person. That doesn't mean that you're going to walk in and announce that to everybody. Because that's unwise. Right. It's unsafe.

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'm gonna have a core group of people I don't keep secrets from. With the good stuff and with a bad. When you make a big sale, your first big crushing sale, you're gonna Call those same guys.

[Lane]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The third thing is you got to put up some significant hurdles in your life. It could be getting on some of those sites that will send all the websites you go to in a certain week to your dad or to a friend or to a group or something like that. It could be just getting rid of your smartphone for a while. You may have to have it for your job. So I'm going to get myself, like, I don't trust myself with social media. I can't control it. I can't. So I have two different phones, and one of those phones stays off most of the time in my work bag because it's a tool for my job. And so it might be that I have a tool for my job as a window salesman. I got to have a smartphone to access the forms and the whatevers. But in my day in and day out, my friends have a flip phone number. I'm going to cut off access for a while.

[Lane]

Okay, I got you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm saying, like, you're going to have to decide to put up some really big hurdles so that if you're going to violate the commitment you've made to yourself, you're going to have to go through a lot of hurdles to do so.

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the current pornographic, like, ecosystem is so gamified, and it's so simple. The. The friction of access is so thin. It's just. I mean, it's everywhere. It's everywhere. It's everywhere. And then the last thing you're going to have to do is create a. Actually, you have two things left. Create a series of habits that you're going to begin to do. Small habits, not huge crazy things. I'm going to work out an hour every day. You're not. I am going to go to the gym every day, even if it's for 10 minutes. If going to this church is not helping you, I'm going to find a group of people that I trust that I can be open with, because right now it sounds performative.

[Lane]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't sound like you're surrounded by people in a faith context that are celebrating you and challenging you. It sounds like a theater product, a theater troupe that everybody shows up and they act their part and then they go home and they live their regular lives. Is that accurate or no?

[Lane]

Yeah, I would say for a lot of people, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lane]

Now, there's definitely certain people that I look up to, but as far as people my age, there's not very many people that

[Andrew]

I would say that I

[Lane]

can rely on with this Kind of information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lane]

Probably just a few.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So your goal is I gotta find some. If there's a local SA group in your town, if there's a group in a local church that meets or whatever, like I'm gonna plug into that group.

[Lane]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't have to buy every thing like hook, line, and sinker, but I'm gonna go get around a group of people who are trying to do the same thing thing in their life that I'm trying to do.

[Matthew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then here's the last thing you said. When did you stumble on this stuff? When you're 10?

[Lane]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have any sexual abuse in your past?

[Lane]

No, I don't, thankfully.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you're 22, so this is going on half your life, but this stuff was baked in pretty young.

[Lane]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to challenge you to go get a counselor in your local area.

[Lane]

Okay. Okay. Yeah. That's one thing I have not done yet. And I've talked about it, but it's never. Just never done it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's the. The. The overarching theme, bold steps, white knuckling it. No pun intended. Trying not to do this thing and then exploding and then being hating yourself and then that cycle. You've done that long enough, man. You got to be exhausted, right?

[Lane]

Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's just do. Let's try some different things because that. That's not working. It doesn't mean you're weak. It means you're wise. But I want you to start reimagining your identity as I'm a guy who doesn't look at pornography. I just let that be your identity and that will reverse engineer a bunch of behaviors you have. I don't go to that movie. I know that for some friends of mine who are, like, sober, they can have a beer. They can be at a place where there's alcohol. I've got friends all over that go to bars, whatever. They don't ever drink. I also have friends that just can't be around it.

[Matthew]

Great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's awesome. Know yourself. Some people can go see whatever movie and that's not going to send them home into a spiral of pornography. Great. Cool. Some people, man, once that switch gets flipped, it's on, man. So know yourself, but make a bold commitment. I'm a guy who didn't look at. I don't. I'm a guy who doesn't objectify people. I'm a guy who didn't look at pornography. I'm a guy that doesn't support those. Those industries. I just stay away from that stuff. And so here's what must be true in my life. I'm gonna surround myself with these people. I'm gonna put some really big hurdles up. I'm gonna go do the inner work that I gotta do to figure out what I do. I feel so dead inside that this gives me a little bit of aliveness. And for you, it may have been going on long enough that it's even exceeded that. And you need to get some true help with an addiction, with an addictive disorder. But I want to tell you all that I'm proud of you, brother. I'm proud of you. 22, Getting your handle on this stuff. Awesome. Let's try a whole bunch of different stuff and act boldly proud of you, man. We come back, A man asks if he should tell his family about the affair his wife had with her boss. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Sometimes it can feel like everyone else's lives, especially their love lives, are little perfect Hallmark movies. But here's the truth. Whether you're married, dating or single, everyone is still figuring out how to do relationships. I've been married for 23 and a half years. I've got a PhD. My wife has a PhD and we know all the answers. But we're still trying to figure out how to keep our marriage rolling down the track. And both of us have greatly benefited from our times with a good therapist. No matter if you just met someone or if you've been married forever like me, therapy can help you find your way, what you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some pressure off yourself and your relationship. Whether for individuals or couples, therapy is an opportunity to identify what's getting in the way and help remove the blockers. To do this, I Recommend Better Help. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. When it comes to love and relationships, everyone is still finding their ways. Find yours with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp help.com/ DeLoney. All right, let's go. Let's stay here in Nashville, Tennessee and talk to Andrew. What's up, Andrew?

[Andrew]

Hey, Dr. John. How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. What are you up to?

[Andrew]

Oh, just living the dream, working away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime somebody says they're living the dream, they're for sure not living a dream.

[Andrew]

I mean, a form of a dream, you could say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. Nightmarish kind of thing. So what's up, man?

[Andrew]

Yeah, so I'm wondering if I should tell my family about the affair my wife had with her boss about a year or two ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa. Why. Why do you want to tell your family?

[Andrew]

I don't know. I guess I would say it's. I don't. I really don't know. I don't have a good answer on why.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me poke him. Prod here. If. If. If your family is where you would go, if they're your safe place, if they're your gang and they're the place where you're celebrated and the place where you're challenged in, the place where they grieve with you in healthy ways, maybe. But if you're feeling alone and you want some people on your side, if you're feeling a year later, still embarrassed, still mad, and you want. You're tired of them being nice over the holidays at her, and they don't know how. You don't. They don't know how bad she really is. And you want to even the score. Yeah, don't do that, man.

[Andrew]

Yeah, I definitely wouldn't say it's. It's the second thing, and I am. I come from a big family, and so I would say that there are portions of my family where they are my cheerleaders, in my safe spot, and so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what would telling them get you? Like, why, why, why, why. Why the call? Why do they need to know this?

[Andrew]

That's a good. That's a good question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How will it aid in you and your wife's. I'm assuming y' all are staying together?

[Andrew]

Yeah, we. I mean, I guess a little backstory will help. She told me about the affair in summer of 2020, 23. Had been going on for about a year or so. When she told me she had already ended things, cut off all communication, blocked him everything, changed jobs. I mean, I knew something was going on. Never really confronted her about it, but when she told me, we kind of both sat down and as you say, that was turning the lights on in the room, and we just dug into a lot of stuff, dug into my part of why our marriage wasn't working, dug into her part and really put in the work. And so I don't. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the state of your marriage now?

[Andrew]

I would say that we are moving towards. The best marriage that we want to have, and best marriage we can have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you committed to that?

[Andrew]

We both are committed to that. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Andrew]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're local here, so I'm gonna cook you and your wife up with two tickets to my money and marriage event on Valentine's Day weekend. If you want to come, be my guest.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Andrew]

That's. You know, we were actually talking about if we could make that happen this year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I got you.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want y' all to come. Okay. I'm also gonna hook you up with a year of my together app, which is a new app I created for couples who are just trying to rebuild a thing to strengthen a thing. There are micro habits for a better marriage, things you do every day.

[Andrew]

Gotcha. Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So hang on the line after that now.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why in the world. After coming out of the fog, the sun came back up, and y' all are trying to figure out where the road is. Do you think. You know what I'm going to tell my family? That's what. That's what will help this thing?

[Andrew]

I. I don't know. I guess in a way, I'm kind of looking for a shoulder to Kind of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's exactly what I was thinking. You sound lonely.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Yeah. That's kind of how I'm feeling with this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Andrew]

My wife also comes from a big family, and she told two of her sisters, who she is very close to, what happened one, because her sister had also had a. Her spouse cheat, and it ended in a divorce. And so it. She was looking for a shoulder. And I guess, yeah, it is just. I'm kind of. I've. I guess I am just kind of feeling alone and working through this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So there's this. There's this part after, like, you go to the doctor, and the doctor says, hey, you're 50 pounds overweight. You gotta lose some weight. And y' all talk and you come up with a plan, and then you go meet with a personal trainer, and you're like, yes. And then you go to your first three workouts, and it's. You're sore, and you can't really. But it feels like your. Your pants are already fitting a little bit different. Right.

[Andrew]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you look up six months, and you're just doing the same thing.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's a mundaneness to it that feels like, this is boring. This isn't the right path. This isn't fun anymore. This. It's lost its energy, and it's got to keep getting up and doing the same things towards that goal that I want. And I. I'm convinced that that is the reason why people fail in nutrition. They fail in their marriages, they fail in their workout, in any. In their jobs. Is just success in anything takes a whole lot of daily boring. Next. Right. Things.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you don't have a group of people with you in your life, it can feel boring and overwhelming.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And some people like to light matches just to get some excitement back.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So as for me and my house, I would not tell my family. Here's why. I have a very protective family.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if somebody hurts their son, they are a burn it down first, ask questions later. And I love that about them.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would not want them to be forced to choose between the mother of their grandkids and their son. And, I mean, we've been together for ever, my wife and I, for a million years. And so, like, that would be more destructive. What I would. What I would choose to do is to get some guy friends, get a counselor, get some people I could talk to in my life about the boringness, the lack of life, the, hey, what do we do next? The. I just feel like this is getting heavy now. I'm finding myself going back into old patterns that we talked about aren't helpful for our marriage. I. That's what I would do. But I also want to hold space for. You might have an amazing, supportive family that would hold both of you all through this and would say, how can we love you and do all the right things? That would just be a rare family.

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you have a big family and you. You isolate two people and you're like, I can tell them. Well, then you're asking them to keep secrets from the rest of their family. And that's. That's tough thing to do, to ask of somebody. Right.

[Andrew]

Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's just you reading the situation. But before you go do a thing is ask yourself, what. What am I trying to solve by doing my next. The next thing.

[Andrew]

Right. Okay. That makes perfect sense. Perfect sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you becoming a guy that you respect?

[Andrew]

I'm really working on it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Andrew]

Well, kind of just going through the last. Last year was one of those years where everything that was normal to me kind of blew up. My dad's pastor has been a pastor my entire life. The church that we had been at for most of my life, we had to close our doors. And honestly, that was also a big contributing factor to a lot of the hurt in my marriage, because being the pastor's kid, it was hey, there's something to do. I gotta do it. And my wife did not sign off on that. Was not comfortable with it. Told me many times, hey, I don't want to be here. I don't want to be here. And so that happened last year. And so since then, I've really just been kind of digging into. A lot of things in myself. So, like I said, I am becoming a man that I respect, but it's been a rough year of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very good. And often we find out who we are after things burn to the ground.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's an honor to talk to a man who's suddenly with the clarity of the closed doors of a faith community or of a purpose he thought he had that was overarching everything else. Suddenly, you hear your wife's. Her voice in a different way. The last few years, she said, hey, stop choosing your dad over me. Stop choosing your childhood obligations over me. And now you hear it, you're like, oh, I missed it, man.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And lots of people quit, and you're not quitting. That's. That's admirable. I'm proud of you.

[Andrew]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The thing I want you and your wife to spend time doing. And we'll talk about this at the retreat, but the ask yourself, who do y' all want to become?

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As a united gang.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who do you all want to become? You want to become the fun couple, the reliable couple, the safe couple, the exciting? Y' all get to decide.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then create a list of action steps that help you get there. Keep the picture of who y' all want to be front and center.

[Andrew]

I got you. All right. I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got to get a gang. And there's a lot of cool guys here in Nashville that I found this city in particular to be really welcoming and like, yeah, come on in, dude. I'm pretty in a unique way that I haven't experienced in other places. So that's your. That's your mission, man. But sit down and have a year. In fact, you know what? Wait for a few weeks and come to the retreat. Tell your wife, sign them up, because I'm going to put you all through as a part of this retreat. The. The same process my wife and I go through, which is. Is the new year. Who are we going to be this year? And how do we go about building that thing up? And hang on the line. I'll hook you up with some tickets and hook you up with the Together app, the Microhabits for a Better Marriage app. We come back. A man asks how to support his wife's out of state job without pushing her away. If you have a dog or a cat or both, I want you to pause this podcast and go to Dutch.com DeLoney and check them out right now. Dutch is a telehealth veterinarian service that saves you a lot of time and a load of money. I've got pets. You've got pets. Caring for pets is such a challenge and this is why I love Dutch. Dutch gives you 24,7 access to licensed veterinarians anytime, anywhere. And here's the best part. A Dutch membership covers up to five pets. Unlimited visits, unlimited follow ups and prescriptions are shipped free to your door. All of this for less than seven bucks a month with code [e-mail] DeLoney that's cheaper than walking into a veterinarian's office one time. The average Dutch member saves over 800 bucks a year. Whether it's medication, behavior issues, allergies or something else. Dutch vets are trained to treat over 150 common pet conditions with telehealth. Go to Dutch.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 50 bucks off a year of veterinarian care. That's their best offer of the year. That's a Dutch.com DeLoney use code DeLoney C site for details. All right, Denver, Colorado, let's go to Matthew. What's up, Matthew?

[Matthew]

Not much. How are you, John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, Homie. What are you up to?

[Matthew]

Oh, I'm sitting in the parking lot of my work talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh man, I hope nobody's filming you. All right. So what's up?

[Matthew]

I hope not. Well, up front, just a question. My wife has made a decision to move for a different job and I have a child here that's graduating school in another year and a half. So I'm not leaving and just want to delve into how to best navigate that whole process. Keep things strengthening in the marriage rather than weakening in the time that we're going to be separate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you all have a built in reunification plan?

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Matthew]

So a little bit of background. The move is to Florida where her mother lives. She works for the VA and doesn't like the VA situation she's currently working at. And it's really grinding on her emotionally and just kind of sucking the life out of her. So she needed a change but really wants to finish up her VA retirement. She's prior Air Force, as am I. The plan's always been to move back to Florida and this job Opening just became available so it's a little quicker. So definitely the plan long term for us always has been to head that direction anyway, just kind of timing wise with a job opening came a little sooner so there definitely reunification plan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it's not like she said, hey, I'm taking this job, you can come with me if you want. I'm out of here. This was part of your long term plan. It just got accelerated a little bit.

[Matthew]

That's yeah. Accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And why are you staying?

[Matthew]

I've got a 16 year old high school junior. I'm divorced so I can't leave with child. Her mom lives here and so. Okay, I gotta stay. I got, I have to and want to stay here for, for my child until she's done with high school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how's the conversations been with your wife?

[Matthew]

Well, initially when I wrote in back in December, she was still mulling over the decision. She's accepted an offer now. Timing is still a little bit up near, but conversations have been fine. I think she, like I said, it just really burned out on how she feels she's being treated at the current place. And so I want to respect that. I've, you know, tried to make it clear to her that I want her to be able to find a work environment that she's able to thrive in and, and feel valued in, but always tried to make it clear to her that I didn't. Wasn't looking forward to her being gone. And there have been some times when we were having a little, you know, whatever, a little tiff or whatever and she's like, oh, I'll bet you'll be happy when I'm gone and not here to be nagging you and whatever. Don't you, don't you even say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But sometimes that people say those things. Sometimes people say those things because they mean them. But oftentimes people say those things because they're trying to force some sort of artificial distance to make the separation easier.

[Matthew]

Could be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I, I hold a lot of that pretty loosely. Unless somebody comes out.

[Andrew]

Oh yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With, you know, clear. My wife and I twice have moved at different intervals and never for a year and a half, but we did it for six months, two different times when I took a job at university like before the term was over. One time she was finishing her research, one time I was finishing. Right. Um, one time we did it well. One time we did not do it well.

[Andrew]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's, I guess I would say is both of y' all being committed to this will be Hard. And this will be uncomfortable. That will be a feature, not a bug. So when things are hard and when things are uncomfortable, when things are inconvenient, that doesn't mean something is wrong with the greater relationship. That means we're just in a tough season right now. It's winter and we're gonna have to wear coats, and that's no fun. But it is what it is.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so putting on the calendar as much as possible. A. Like, I guess, say what you need and say what you want. More importantly, say what you want. And you all gonna have to navigate those things. I want a zoom call every night we're married or I don't really care about that two or three nights a week. I want us to make sure we're zooming. I've already purchased six months worth of plane tickets. We're going to see each other.

[Lane]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or we're not.

[Matthew]

We do have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Matthew]

Yeah. We do have plans for me to try to get down there for hopefully like a week out of every six weeks or something. I have a little bit of remote work opportunity maybe that I can be doing there too. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's. Let's make that as concrete as possible. Otherwise it's really easy for that to be like, well, maybe next week and then maybe a week after that. And suddenly you look up and it's been four months.

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it just gets challenging. And every couple's different. So you all work it out the best you can. But just committing to some strategic routine in some shape, form, or fashion that we can both anchor into as a proxy until we get back together. And then maybe even a fun. I don't. Fun might be the wrong word, but who do we want to be over the next 18 months?

[Lane]

Yeah.

[Matthew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, do we want to both just put our heads down and get through this year. Great. And. Or do we want to be sexy long distance couple? Do we want to both meet in Dallas in a hotel and be like, hey, what's your. Like, who do we want to be the next month and a half? I mean, the next year and a half.

[Matthew]

Well, you know, my vote on a couple of those probably.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But I mean, it's. It's. Everybody gets a vote.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think the deeper question is if she has transitioned to a place where she's saying, I won't, I won't, I'm not. Then your marriage has deeper challenges to it that I would want to address before y' all spend a year and a half apart.

[Matthew]

Yeah. I don't think that's the case. We've, you know, been married eight years and have had certainly some struggles with adjusting to a family of four of my kids and her not having any kids. Have been married before and sure taking our knocks up and down that. But I think we're overall in a pretty, pretty good place and we're both feeling positive about this. But I'd like the idea of intentionality in terms of interactions and what we want this to look like. And knowing it looks hard. I sometimes wonder things I can do to minimize her need ever to worry about me doing something I shouldn't be while she's gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And does she worry about that?

[Andrew]

You know what?

[Matthew]

She strangely enough worries about it with my ex wife, which is not a thing at all ever a chance. She's like she's going to start pushing boundaries. I'm like, oh, maybe. But I don't really. I'm not. There's nothing to do there. There was a time, though, some years ago where I. And she probably wouldn't want me to bring this up on this call. She'll listen to this later. But she probably wouldn't say this out loud. But there was a time a few years ago where I had an inappropriate texting thing going on with somebody at work. And we worked through that and she has moved on from it. Doesn't bring it up or hold it over my head or do anything like that. But I can't imagine that it doesn't play in the back of her mind in a situation where she's going to be gone for this long. And I just want to be very forthright in being able to do everything I can to make sure that that's not something that she's, you know, just having to try to swallow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And yeah, I think it's just. I mean, that's a great example of let's leave with no secrets. So if there's nagging concerns, if there's logistics like paying the bill or who's going to write this check, or I'm going to make sure I will be in charge of the taxes and the lawn guy, like making sure those things are, let's talk about everything. Okay, but then let's save some space for what are you scared about? And let's mitigate some of those fears. I'm afraid we're going to look up and we haven't slept together in seven months. I'm afraid of that.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, me too. All right, let's put some things on the calendar right now. Let's get online and buy the tickets right now to avoid that. I'm afraid that. Fill in the blank. You're going to create a life in Florida without me, and then when I get there in a year and a half, I'm going to feel like an intruder in my own marriage. Yeah, I could see that. So whenever you come down to visit, we're going to have a breakfast routine. I'm going to. You're going to vacuum, you're going to do some of the domestic stuff. We're going to help out. Like, it's, it's being intentional about these things that we're scared about, things we're nervous about and just committing. We're not going to have any secrets.

[Matthew]

Makes sense.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's, there's. There's something again, I don't want to play trades. It's not, it's not a. This for that. But, man, there's a way. It's not. I wouldn't wish it on anybody. Right. A year and a half apart is a year and a half apart. That's hard. But, man, there is a way to have a lot of fun, especially the technology we have now.

[Matthew]

Yeah, absolutely. I think so. And we should be able to

[Andrew]

have

[Matthew]

enough time and resources to be able to visit each other and so forth, I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I mean, start, start an inappropriate texting relationship with her.

[Andrew]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And, and tell her, hey, when you send me a random text about how hot I am or what you want to do to me when I get home this weekend, like, text me that on a Tuesday afternoon like that. That. That will mean a lot to me. Even if she has to put it in her calendar. Send dumb text to husband.

[Matthew]

Right. I get accused of dork. Is her description for me when I send those texts to her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, yes, I would like some dork text back. Right. But it's being honest about, hey, these things would be huge. I'm going to once a week just send food to the house. And that's going to make me feel like I'm participating in your life a little bit. But I just want to cook at home. I know. Can I just send food once a week? Yeah, you can. Right? I'm, I, I'm going to. Let's do some of those things that make liveliness and fun. How can we inject fun? How can we inject life? How can we inject adventure into this 18 months we're going to be spinning apart, and then do we have a vacation? Do we have a coming back together ceremony? Do we have a thing that we're going to mark this reunion when it happens. Let's put that on the calendar. Let's start saving for it or whatever that looks like for your Yalls resources situation.

[Matthew]

Yeah, no, I like. I like adventure. That sounds like a good way to sit down and try to build that in. And after focusing on all the details, like you said, making sure he's paying the bills and when we're planning to visit and stuff, but building some extra fun and adventure into it, that seems maybe a little bit more second nature when you're together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Yeah, that's it. That's it. It's. It is. These things that we take for granted. The touching of your arm, the eye roll, the shoving you in the kitchen when you say something dorky, the whatever. How do we build those things in electronically? For a short season, I don't think it's sustainable long term. But for a season we can do anything if we're honest about it. Most couples don't talk about this at all. They just say things like, I'm gonna miss you, I'm gonna miss you. We're gonna write, we're gonn time. And without specifics, without logistics, it doesn't happen. Or they get really specific about I will pay this bill, you pay that bill, etc. Etc. And then they never get to the romantic relationship, adventure, fun, play, sexiness they get. That's just supposed to quote, unquote, take care of itself. And it doesn't. It just withers on the vine. And so let's be intentional about all of it. It's awesome. Best of luck to you and your wife. I'm glad she found a place where they'll respect her and care for her. That's awesome. And man, I can't wait to hear all this, how this 18 month separation goes. Separation's a bad way to say that, but I think y' all could turn it into something magic if you do. I'd love to hear about it along the way because it can encourage listeners who are in similar situations. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back. If you ever come over to my house, you're gonna find a whole bunch of cool stuff. But you're going to also find one main theme. My family loves Cozy Earth. Their sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels. Cozy Earth has taken over my house. Why? Because they're incredible. They're comfortable and all of their linens last. When you wash the towels a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag. They stay true. They're amazing. They're awesome. Listen, getting into my bed with Cozy Earth sheets, it just makes me smile. Even when I've had a bad day. I just go seeing my wife and my daughter smile when they're wearing their pajama sets. That makes me smile. And on all the sheets, all the towels. Listen, Cozy Earth offers 100 night sleep trial and a 10 year warranty. So there's no risk to fill your house with Cozy Earth gear. Try it out for yourself. Go to cozy earth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy. C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. Trust me. Bring Cozy Earth into your home. You're gonna love it. All right, we're back. And Kelly, your beard looks nice.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're welcome. And your voice got deeper. Told you to stop inhaling the Marlboro Reds as much as you do, but

[Kelly]

I don't know what to say to that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So Alex is driving for Kelly. She is looking over his shoulder in her favorite seat. It's the seat of judgment. She's sitting behind him right now. Alex, am I the problem?

[Kelly]

Yes. Kara asks. Am I the problem for wanting to get my own place instead of moving to a place with my boyfriend? We always wanted to get a place together but he doesn't hold jobs and is laid off right now and doesn't seem to be seeking another job. I've decided I want a place on my own and maybe we can live together later down the road. I probably could have told him, but now he's saying I'm self centered, entered because I want my own place for now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, he is the problem. Get your own place. Listen to yourself. Listen to your. Yes, listen to me. No, no.

[Andrew]

Ah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm like, I want to scream run, run, run. But no. Get your own place. For sure. Get your own place. 100%. Get your own place. Was that clear? What do you think, Alex?

[Kelly]

I agree. Yeah, I had nothing to add. I think it's kind of silly to get move in before you're married anyway.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So there you go. It's strange for me that the producer doesn't have, quote unquote, something to add because Kelly always, always has things to add. Well done, Alex.

[Kelly]

Appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You produce the crap out of the show today. It's good.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a. Well, I haven't heard the final product, so we'll see. As long as Keeler hit record and Ben hit record, we're gonna be all right. Love you guys. Bye.