I’ve Had a Crush on my Husband's Friend for 5 Years

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode: I’ve Had a Crush on my Husband's Friend for 5 Years
Date: September 15, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Brief Overview

This episode of "The Dr. John Delony Show" dives deep into complex emotional challenges faced by individuals in their relationships, families, and careers. Dr. Delony offers real, compassionate advice to callers grappling with issues like marital dissatisfaction, longstanding emotional crushes, parental disconnection, and the aftermath of job loss. Each segment is a moving exploration of vulnerability, self-awareness, and the courage to confront difficult realities.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Coping with a Long-Term Crush on a Friend ([00:05] – [17:19])

Caller: Ashley from Las Cruces, NM

• Situation: Ashley reveals she has harbored a crush on her husband's best friend for five years, emphasizing that the fantasy is non-sexual and centers around longing for adventure, validation, and being "seen and heard".
• Root Issues:
  • Escapism: Ashley admits her crush is more about imagining a different life than seeking a physical affair.
  • Unfulfilled Needs: She feels unnoticed and undervalued by her husband, especially since her husband's friend shows interest in her opinions and passions.
  • Marital Breakdown: Ashley shares that her husband has struggled with alcoholism for six years, is often absent (physically and emotionally), and leaves her to manage their five children alone.
• Dr. Delony’s Guidance:
  • Normalizing Attraction: “There should be...my wife laughs at me about my crushing...the whole room should feel a little bit more alive when an adventurer walks in.” ([03:06])
  • World-Building as Escapism: Dr. Delony distinguishes between fleeting attraction and "world-building", where fantasies replace confronting real household issues.
  • Confront the Core Problem: “You’ve done all the easy work. You haven’t done the hardest thing. Which is take on, head-on, the challenges inside your own home.” ([07:02])
  • Drawing Boundaries: He warns Ashley that continued escapism leads to becoming “somebody you never wanted to become.” ([13:52])
  • Taking Ownership: He powerfully encourages taking responsibility for her next steps, instead of letting life happen to her.

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re not crazy. Your husband’s left you. The question to be answered now is who are you going to be moving forward?” – Dr. Delony ([10:31])
• “Behavior is a language. He just hears you...she just needs to bark at me for a while. Then I’m going to go on about my life.” – Dr. Delony ([12:21])

Tools and Next Steps Offered:

• Book: Building a Non-Anxious Life with reflective questions
• Access to Financial Peace University for financial planning
• Three months of free online therapy (BetterHelp)

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2. Navigating Adult Children and Disconnection ([21:20] – [35:31])

Caller: Bonnie from Huntsville, AL

• Situation: Bonnie feels disconnected from her adult sons, who often gift her things she doesn’t want (spa massages) and respond minimally to her attempts to stay in touch.

• Underlying Issues:

  • Bonnie worries about being a burden and laments her sons’ emotional distance, particularly after remarrying following her first husband’s death.
  • Wishes for a more authentic, reciprocal relationship instead of settling for obligatory gestures.

• Dr. Delony’s Guidance:

  • Address the Real Issue: “The bigger question here is I miss my boys. And I want to know what’s going on in your lives.” ([26:21])
  • Encourage Vulnerability: Urges Bonnie to candidly share her feelings and clearly communicate her needs with each son, suggesting individual meetings if possible.
  • Challenge to Break Martyrdom: Encourages moving away from the self-sacrificing “martyr” role to proactively rekindle connection.

Notable Quotes:

• “If I could snap my fingers and wish anything for anybody, it’s that parents and kids, especially adult kids, could just reimagine their relationships right now.” – Dr. Delony ([33:30])
• “Head right into the scariest conversation and have it.” – Dr. Delony ([34:58])

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3. Recovering from Job Loss and Anxiety ([37:46] – [48:43])

Caller: David from Omaha

• Situation: David still struggles with anxiety and fear a year after being unexpectedly fired during a corporate “restructuring.”

• Challenges:

  • Experiences persistent anxiety about job security at his new workplace.
  • Struggles to mentally close the chapter on his former job, feeling the impact on self-worth and stability.

• Dr. Delony’s Guidance:

  • Validate the Trauma: “Losing your job can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one.” ([39:57])
  • Financial Margin: Encourages building an emergency fund to lessen future job-loss anxiety.
  • Track Anxiety Episodes: Suggests writing down moments of anxiety to gain perspective and defuse generalized fear.
  • Let Go of Past Hurts: Recommends writing a letter to the ex-boss (not to be mailed) as a ritual for closure.

Notable Quotes:

• “You’re not crazy, and you’re supposed to be anxious about that.” – Dr. Delony ([39:35])
• “Thank you for trying to take care of me, body. I’m okay.” – Dr. Delony ([45:38])

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Memorable Moments and Notable Quotes

• [03:06] Dr. Delony: “My wife laughs at me about my crushing...the whole room should feel a little bit more alive when an adventurer walks in.”
• [10:31] Dr. Delony: “You’re not crazy. Your husband’s left you. The question to be answered now is who are you going to be moving forward?”
• [12:21] Dr. Delony: “Behavior is a language...he just steps over that line, and you move the line again.”
• [29:13] Dr. Delony: “If you say in a–like, just get–don’t get under the boat, don’t try to get on top. Just get–sit in the seat on the boat and be like, hey, I’m your mom. I don’t want some other creeper’s hands all over me. Ew.”
• [39:57] Dr. Delony: “Losing your job can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one.”
• [45:38] Dr. Delony: “Thank you for trying to take care of me, body. I’m okay.”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:05–17:19 – Ashley’s confession: Crush on husband’s friend, marital loneliness, and alcoholism
• 21:20–35:31 – Bonnie and disconnection from her adult children, navigating new family dynamics
• 37:46–48:43 – David’s struggle with post-job-loss anxiety, financial insecurity, and path to healing

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Tone and Language

Throughout, Dr. Delony’s tone is warm, direct, and often gently humorous. He blends empathy with tough love, challenging callers to take personal responsibility while acknowledging the real pain and constraints they face. He consistently affirms their feelings, then empowers them to own their decisions and next steps.

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Takeaways

• Facing Emotional Escapism: Fantasies and emotional connections outside of one’s relationship are often symptoms of unmet needs and unresolved issues, not character flaws.
• Naming the Real Problem: Directly confronting the core issue (like addiction or disconnection) is the hardest but most necessary work.
• Owning the Next Step: Whether it’s setting boundaries, seeking support, or making a plan for the future, agency is key.
• Valuing Vulnerability: Honest conversations—no matter how uncomfortable—are essential for healing family bonds.
• Healing from Job Loss: Acknowledging the impact, building financial safety nets, and rituals (like journaling) aid the recovery process.

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This episode offers a toolkit of resources, examples, and compassionate reframing for listeners grappling with their own deep relational and emotional challenges. Dr. Delony’s advice is actionable and delivered with both gravitas and encouragement, making the show a vital space for anyone seeking real talk and real hope.

Transcript

[Caller]

How do I get over a crush that I have had on my husband's best friend for five years?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ruh, ruh. Row. When you say crush, what does that mean? You fantasize about this guy you accidentally brush up against his arm when you're sleeping with your husband. Do you imagine him like, what? Give me the level of crush. What does that mean? What up? What up? This is John. Welcome. Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games right here. Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids. Whatever you got going on in your life, I'm here to talk to you. Go to john deloney.com. ask and fill out the form. We get hundreds of requests from all over the planet every day. Love for you to write in about what's going on in your life and we will get you on the show. Let's go out to Las Cruces, New Mexico. I know where Las Cruces is. I got some wild adventures in Las Cruces before. Talk to Ashley. Hey, Ashley, what's up?

[Caller]

Hi, Dr. John.

How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Great. How are you?

[Caller]

I'm doing good. Super excited to be talking to you and also extremely nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm glad you reached out. What's up?

[Caller]

So my question is, how do I get over a crush that I have had on my husband's best friend for five years? Neither him nor my husband. Yeah, neither one of them know that I have these feelings and I just. I really want them to just go away, but I feel like there's something underneath it that keeps it there. So that's my question today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. I've got lots of thoughts. Tell me more about it. Tell me what it is about this guy that, like, when you. Let me back up. When you say crush, what does that mean? You fantasize about this guy. You try to get near this guy. You like to. You accidentally brush up against his arm when he's walking. Like, tell me what crush means.

[Caller]

So I don't do any physical contact with him other than like an occasional side hug.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you're sleeping with your husband, do you imagine him like, what? Give me the level of crush. What's it? What does that mean?

[Caller]

Okay. No, I don't fantasize about him in a sexual manner. I do find myself kind of wondering what it would be like. So he's a very adventurous kind of person. And he'll go, like, he'll go hiking or he'll go fishing or he'll go up to Colorado for the weekend and it's Just very spontaneous and very like off the wall kind of thing. And so then I catch myself wondering what it would be like to go do those things with him, to be with him, going fishing, to, you know, essentially, I don't know, kind of create a life that I don't currently have. So those are the kind of fantasies that I have. But it's never like a sexual thing. I don't fantasize about what he looks like naked or shirtless or what it's like to kiss him. It's just more kind of like, I think it's my way of escaping my current life. Just kind of fantasizing what it would be like to go with him to do those things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha. So I guess there's two things here. One, I want to relieve you from what maybe feels like a. A moral failure or like you're not that you're doing something wrong. If you are in the presence. This is me included, by the way. If you're in the presence of some guy that's just telling you about the adventures he's been on and the this is and the thats. And then I went and climbed this and scaled this and hunted that there. I'm attracted to that. Like there should be. My wife laughs at me about my crushing. She's like, you crush on everybody about everything. Like, the whole room should feel a little bit more alive when an adventurer walks in. That's why do equi made the most. Most. What is it? The most. Whatever. What was the thing? The most awesome guy in the world. Amazing. The most amazing guy in the world. Is that what it was? Most interesting guy. Like, that's why they did that, right? Because it lifts a whole room up. And so if you're listening to these stories and you're like, my gosh, this guy's awesome. I want to rel. Like that. That's normal. That should be that way. The next step is when you start world building, right? Whether you're world building in the bedroom, whether you're world building like, God, I wish my husband would just leave me. Like, I would love to go out on these adventures with this guy. And then it becomes escapism, but it becomes a secret that sits in the middle of your living room, which is, I don't like the life I have that I'm co creating with my husband. And that turns into, I'm not alive in my house anymore. And that turns into, one day this guy texts you and says, hey, can you come over and help me with something?

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying, so, you know, that's.

[Caller]

I don't ever want to put myself in a compromising position to do that. I really try to just keep myself in check. I'm like, okay, you know, like, this is, this is not real, these feelings, you know, this is not something that you actually want to pursue because I have like done some really deep delving into my own brain and like, okay, what is it that I'm so attracted to this guy about, aside from the adventures that he takes? And I don't know, he thinks he. Well, he thinks I'm smart, which is a big one for me because I guess in a lot of ways I feel like my husband doesn't value my opinions or my thoughts on certain things. But this guy will ask me for advice on things in his life or what he should do in certain situations. He thinks I'm funny. He thinks that I. Well, he encourages me in my personal endeavors aside from my family and my husband. Like, I own my own business and he's very encouraging in that aspect. He thinks the things that I have already accomplished are pretty awesome. And he asks me questions and he's very interested in things that I have done personally. And he just. I guess it just makes me feel seen and heard in ways that I haven't felt in years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the two magic words, seen and known.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And those form the foundation of any sort of romantic friendship, any sort of relationship, work, employee. Do I see you in front of, Do I see you as a separate being than me? And then do I take the time to get to know you? And then the next one is, do I celebrate you. And only after I see you and know you and celebrate you, do I have permission to challenge you. And often, especially in a long term marriage, after several years together, it just goes straight to challenge.

[Caller]

Right?

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then somebody comes in and is like, dude, this is awesome. And your whole body lights up like a Christmas tree, Right?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I kind of get these like, you know, like that weird pit in your stomach when you meet somebody for the first time and you get nervous around them. And then I kind of like, okay, I gotta excuse myself from the situation because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, here's, here's the thing. You've done all the hard. I mean, you've done all the easy work. You haven't done the hardest thing.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is take on head on the challenges inside your own home.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, unless you have.

[Caller]

I have in certain ways, but there are challenges that I just, I really don't have Any control over. So for the past six years, my husband's drinking problem has just. It's gotten really bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, lead with that next time. Lead with that. I'm married to an alcoholic, right?

[Caller]

Yeah. So, hey, it just kind of seems like it's getting worse too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it probably is. And it becomes this weird dance where he's drinking to escape his life, and suddenly you start creating a new life to escape your life, which pulls you further apart from each other. So he drinks more like it's. It's a. It's a recursive thing. Right. It works in tandem and suddenly you'll end up on two different islands across two different planets.

[Caller]

Right, But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but. But fantasizing about somebody else in another world and what I would say over putting more weight on positive things said than may even be in reality is a way to avoid dealing with. I'm married to an alcoholic. I don't feel safe in my home. I don't feel loved in my home. I don't feel seen in my home, because that's the. That's the choice. That's the place that you got to park. Can I stay in this relationship?

[Caller]

Say that you're. You're pretty much spot on. We've been together for going on 13 years now, so does it matter?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does it matter? Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Are you safe right now?

[Caller]

Yes. I mean, he's not. He's not physically abusive. When he gets to a certain point in his drinking, he can get verbally mean, but he doesn't ever hurt me or the kids or anything like that. It's just, you know, 85% of the time I'm home alone with my kids because he's at a bar.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Keep going.

[Caller]

And I just feel so alone sometimes. And I feel like I've done all of this by myself. You know, he used to tell me how much he wanted a big family, and we've accomplished that. I mean, we have five kids and. But I feel like, okay, why did you want such a big family if it's just going to be me by myself all the time with him, and you're never here present. And when you are here, you might be here physically, but you're not here emotionally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's. That's what's gonna say, he left you a long time ago. He still sleeps there, but he left you and the kids a long time ago.

[Caller]

It definitely feels like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you said the words feels like, feels like, feels like, which tells me you're in an ecosystem that has taught you that your feelings cannot be trusted.

[Caller]

Yeah, I would say that that's probably accurate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're not crazy. Your husband's left you. The question to be answered now is who are you going to be moving forward?

[Caller]

I have no idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's the question to be answered. Are you going to be a woman who cheats on her husband?

[Caller]

I don't want to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

I never wanted to be that person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. And I'm asking it this directly, and I know it feels assaulting, like. Feels heavy. Right? Like, I'm asking this direct because I want you to take ownership of what happens next. Because right now your whole life is being done to you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to have this many kids. Well, okay, I'll create this. I'll create this picture for you. I don't want to be there. I feel like this is nuts, but. Okay, I'm going to keep drinking and hanging out at the bar with my friends. You do all run your business and get no support and no celebration. And by the way, take care of five kids as a single mother. I'm going to spend our money. I'm going to go drink. Bye. It feels not right. You just be quiet. This is how this is going to go.

[Caller]

Well.

And I mean, I don't. I don't just let it go. I have said multiple. Multiple times how much that I'm not going to put up with this. How much.

I know.

I know I can't do this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But you do.

[Caller]

And he knows that and I do. But it's just, you know, what do I. Where do I go? I have five kids and my business is. Is okay, but it's not sustaining enough to take care of me and five kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Caller]

And it's just like, where do I go from here?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. It's the terrifying reality that millions of mothers and wives face every day. This is not how I drew it up.

[Caller]

No, not at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is what was in the agreement we made. But you sound like a strong woman who's had a bunch of. This is the line. And he just steps over that line. And you move the line again. You move the line again. Which he hears. Behavior is a language. He just hears you. Like, I'm just. She just needs to bark at me for a while. Then I'm going to go on about my life. And so what I'm telling you about making. Taking ownership. I want you to take ownership of the choices I'm about to make. Am I going to Be a woman who fills in the blank, who cheats on my husband. And, and if that's going to be your next move. Okay, am I a woman who is going to call my mother and say. Or an old friend and say, I need to come stay with you for three months with five kids? That's a tall order. But that's what I got to do right now while I save up some money. I don't know, are you going to be a mom who just says, I'm going to ride this out for the next six years and get two of these kids out of high school and get them over to emu there and portales and get them to school. And then, then I'm going to make them like, I just want you to take ownership of what happens next.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And it's a way of saying, okay, I'm done letting my life happen to me. And it might be that taking ownership means I have to make a three year plan, for God's sakes. Because that's just the economic realities of where I find myself.

[Caller]

Yeah, it could be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're on a slippery slope to become somebody you never wanted to become. And I, I just want to, like, I'll, I'll be here right now. I'll be here in the middle of that. I'll be here when you come back. Like, I'm going to love you and I'm going to want success for you, but I just see that path. Or you're going to bury yourself in the middle of your living room. And I don't want that for your kids either, because I don't want them to lose another parent too. And I say bury yourself. You're going to take all of your feelings and fears and frustrations and you're going to shove them so far down in your chest and you're just gonna muscle through the next minute of every day and your kids are gonna say, I didn't know my dad because he hid behind a bottle, and I didn't know my mom because she hid behind her rage. Sound fair?

[Caller]

Huh?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's probably how you grew up too, isn't it?

[Caller]

And actually, no, no, I love being.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wrong on that one.

[Caller]

My dad was awesome. Is awesome so good? He didn't really even touch a drink until I was out of the house. This was not his. You know, I didn't grow up with this kind of life. And so, you know, I always hear you say that we marry our unfinished business, and I'm just kind of like, okay, then what the heck Did I marry? Because this is not at all how I grew up. And I don't, I don't understand, you know, the, I guess some of the choices that I've made, the things that I've allowed to continue.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like marrying your unfinished business is a, is. We call it a trope. Like it's right a lot, but it's not gospel. I mean it's not, it's not a scientific fact.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there people break their legs, people have accidents, people get sick, people take a drink and then take another one at work. And then like they find themselves really struggling years. I mean, life happens. Okay? So I don't want you walking around beating yourself up for the choices your husband is making. I do want you to take responsibility for what happens next in your life.

[Caller]

I just, I, you know, I don't really have anywhere to go. Okay. I have no money. I am, I don't know, essentially stuck, I feel. And I don't want to uproot the only life that my kids know to possibly put them in something that's even more chaotic and crazy and like what? I don't know, like the household of a single parent. You know, just the fact that, okay, you know, I, if I do leave my husband, if we do separate, I don't really trust his judgments and you know, what, what kind of people are going to be in and out of my kids lives, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what you're doing is you're, you're, you're pre imagining a situation.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're trying to solve for it in the presence. That's called anxiety.

[Caller]

Well, I think that would pretty much sum up my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I know, I know, I know. Here, here's, here's. I think you're. And, and you might already be there. Okay. I think you're in need of a yellow pad from Walgreens for 79 cents or I don't know, with inflation, maybe $8 now. But like a yellow pad and a pen. I'm going to send you a couple of things just for you. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life, my book. And I want you to use the questions in the back of those chapters as a map. I want you to write down the answers to the questions in the back of those chapters because it's going to paint you a picture. It's get. The secret behind that book is it begins to distill down what can I control and what can I not control? Period. And so I want you to write that I want you to go through that. I'm also going to send you FPU Financial Peace University, the digital class that. The eight or nine videos that you can watch at home, on your computer, on your phone, digitally that will help you build a roadmap for financial freedom. And then there's just going to be some very, like, stark like, here is the reality of this. Here's the reality of this. And then I want you to. I'm going to send you three months with my friends at Better Help Counselors, okay? And they're licensed counselors. They can meet with you on your phone or on your computer. Because I know you got to work, you got five kids, and you don't have time to leave and go see a therapist and then leave and come all the way back. They're going to hook you up for three months for free. And I want you to start seeing a regular therapist who's going to help you sift through all of these things flying at you and begin to make some concrete next right steps. So I got you with some tools. Okay, sister. But I want you to hear me say, you feeling trapped is real. You feeling alone in your own house is real. You about to make a decision you're going to regret because you're gonna become somebody you don't want to be. That's real too. And how good it feels to finally have somebody see you and at least pretend they know you. I know that feels good too. All this stuff is, is, is you're not crazy. You're not crazy, but you are at, at an inflection point. And I want you to own what happens next. Even if it's being still for a year or two years while you make different plans, even if it is staging an intervention for your husband. Whatever it is, I want you to own the next step. You call anytime and we'll get you back on the show. Thank you so much for honoring me by sitting up as pulling up a seat at the table. Coming up, a woman wonders how to ask her son for physical gifts, for real gifts instead of just gift cards. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Everyone is talking about therapy, therapy, therapy these days. And I often hear folks say, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life. I don't know if I can use therapy. Listen, this is really important. Therapy isn't just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. I see A therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as helping me navigate the day to day challenges that pop up. Many of you should consider therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. And they also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them to get started. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h-e lp.com DeLoney all right, Huntsville, Alabama. Let's talk to Bonnie. What's up Bonnie?

[Caller]

Hi Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you say lady? How we doing?

[Caller]

We are doing great. It's a gorgeous day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fantastic. What's up? How can I help you? You sound delightful.

[Caller]

So I wrote in when I received an email from a local spa indicating that I had been gifted. Problem is, I don't enjoy massages yet. This has kind of become the go to gift that I received from my adult son. So my question is, can I say I'd like something else enough with the massages or do I just need to accept it graciously and stop being a jerk?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, miss Bonnie, there is, there is levels underneath all of this. What is it? What's the real question you're asking?

[Caller]

So the bigger question is do I accept the time and attention that I'm given by my adult children or is it okay to ask for more? Because my, my philosophy so far is just to take what they give and build my life and be okay with it. But it makes me sad sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but the only reason you would land there is that at some point you did not have their attention or care.

[Caller]

Well, I mean, I think consistently. I'll send a group text. Easter lunch is at 1 o' clock at your Aunt Marie's. Nothing. I get literally like. And I don't expect them to immediately respond or but you can't give me a thumbs up within a 24 hour period.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do they show up to the lunch?

[Caller]

Less than half. We had a let. Fewer than half of my of mine came to the lunch. But it's even bigger things. I had one of My sons is in the military and. And he was seeing a young lady on the base. They decided to get married. You know, it was just going to be a courthouse wedding, but he brought her home and, you know, we did a nice lunch. And about six weeks before the wedding, I called him and just made sure that that was the right date because I was about to book my room and he said, oh, mom, we broke up last month. I mean, it's like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You.

[Caller]

You can't call me and tell me. It just feels like I'm so far removed from their lives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There it is. That's the question. That's the question.

[Caller]

I just. I don't know. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to push.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bonnie, you are their mom. Why do you feel like a burden?

[Caller]

Well, if it's a burden to have to respond to texts and if it's a. I mean, with going back to the massage, I've. I've said in multiple conversations, you know, that's not just not really my thing. I find them awkward, and yet I still continue to get them, which makes me think, okay, they just don't really care if I like what they. They're just checking off a box. And so I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That. Don't. Don't blow by that. Let's sit in that for a second. Are you married?

[Caller]

So I am married. Their father died in 2017, so I am married, but not to their father.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Has things changed since you got married? Yes. Okay, have you all ever had that next conversation?

[Caller]

So I have asked each if they liked my husband, and consistently, the answer is, oh, yeah, he's fine. We just don't know him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's not the question. That's. That's an easy question. That's an over there question. Okay, what are they going to tell their mom? No, we hate them. And what are they going to say, you raised. You raised Alabama boys? They're gonna say, yes, ma'.

[Caller]

Am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's. He's kind. We just don't know him. We just don't know him. Is Southern for, I don't want that dude around me. I don't like that guy. I don't know, like, you know what I mean? That's. I mean, there's a lot in. In those little southern. I just don't know him.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The bigger question here is I miss my boys. Yes. And I want to know what's going on in your lives. Is there something I've done that's made it hard for you all to Be around. Because it really would be. It would honor me if you told me. What are you talking about? Mom, we don't. We think you're a great. Okay. But it would mean the world to me if you would just respond to my text with a thumbs up.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, by the way, I have. I can't. I could not even guess how many unread messages I have. And I leave them unread for one reason. So they don't forget them. Because I get so many text messages in a day.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it may be they don't want to clutter up a group text or they got it and they forget or they weren't going to go anyway. But the group text isn't the. Who knows? But there's that next step that says, all right, we're in a different tier. I recognized I brought a new man into this relationship. Our relationship. It's not that I get all that. I miss my boys.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess what I would ask you to do is for the last. What is it, 2017, Celeste? Eight years, right? Nine years. There's been a increasingly faster tornado inside your chest that's spinning faster and faster and faster. And because you keep putting things out there that you think are real clear signals, hoping they get them and they run right over them or they blow by them, the story that you've told yourself is somehow they don't like your new husband. Somehow there's something wrong with you. And when you put something out without being super clear, it just confirms what you already believe about yourself. That I'm a burden to these boys.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would not continue to live like that for your sake. And for their sake, I would choose to enter into some sort of. Hey. I want to just talk with each one of you.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do they live in your same community or town or. They live all scattered across the country.

[Caller]

So they live an hour and a half away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's close enough to go have breakfast with Mom. I'm a. I'm a drive up on a Saturday or a Sunday and just. I miss my boys.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And to sit down with him and say, hey, like. And how old are you?

[Caller]

I'm 57.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Even if you said this, even if you said, I'm. I'm in the back half of the third quarter. I'm staring at the fourth quarter of my life. I would love to know how I can love you guys best because I miss my boys. Even if you just. As the parent took all of it, how can I best love you guys?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And eventually it will come up. Hey, here's some ways you can love me. No more stupid massages. I don't want some creepy person's hands all over my body. Ew. Right? But there. There's a way that. Listen. So in. In. In. In therapy, there's. We call it the oneup and the one down position. Okay. The oneup position is typically. Not always, but it's typically male. And it's very much my house. I get what I want. Like, right. Very much that. Just loud and aggressive. I'm going to get my way.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's also the one down position, which is typically. Not always, but typically has a very feminine energy to it, which is. Oh, okay. Well, you guys just go. Y' all go to dinner, and I'll just. Y' all know I don't like that place, but that's okay. I'll just eat the. The Dairy Queen napkins in the glove box. I'll be fine. Right? And that's how you're. That's how you're entering into this. If you say in a. Like, just get. Don't get under the boat. Don't try to get on top. Just get. Sit in the seat on the boat and be like, hey, I'm your mom. I don't want some other creeper's hands all over me. Ew. They will get that image in their mind and they'll laugh and then also say, I realize that y' all have so much going on, and thinking about old mom's present, it's just like. But it really makes a difference to me.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then when you do that, you're being what they call vulnerable because they might say, you got it, Mom. And they might forget next year.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They might forget. And that's scary to think. And as a son, I forget. I don't want to, but I do.

[Caller]

Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And I love my mom to death. I love my sister to death. I love my brother death. And I forget, does it make it right? Does it make it good? It kind of bums me out that I'm that way. But also, I would love it if she doesn't listen to the show. But if my mom was to say, hey, this is what I want, and it matters to me that you. Most moms go, it's fine. It's okay. Even when it's not.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah. And I think I've been. I think that's kind of the. I think that's the position I have taken.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Let's be right in the middle of it. These are your boys, okay? And whether they want to believe it or not, they need their mom.

[Caller]

I, I, I hope, I think you're right. I hope you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen to me. I know I'm right. I know I'm right. They may not. They may tell you. All right, mom, then, then here's the deal. Also, we don't want your vote when it comes to us ordering a margarita at dinner or on our pants being too akunos. And only you will know if that's how you, you know, if that's how you are. But you're a good Alabama mom. You're supposed to comment on everything. That's just part of. That's just part of the deal.

[Caller]

I, I don't think I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm just messing with you. I'm messing with you.

[Caller]

But, But I do think that I might have a bit of a martyr mentality.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my gosh. You just said it. I wasn't gonna go there, but you said it. Hey, listen, if you lead with that, oh, my gosh, that'd be amazing. Boys. I'm such a drama queen. And I'm sorry, but I miss my boys. And I want to know. I'm, I'm getting on the back half.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I realized I brought some other guy into the picture and made it weird. But it is what it is. I love him. He's my husband. But how can I love you guys in this back half?

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to be around my grandkids. I want to see. I want to know your lives. And you can point, point at one of your sons and say, you dummy, you got, you broke up right before you're married. Like, call your mom.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're allowed to say that.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he needs to be a grown up and say, mom, it's not good for me to do that because you go scorched earth or you ask a thousand questions or like, let's have that honest conversation.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because, man, you, you. Gosh, if I could, if I could snap my fingers and wish anything for anybody, it's that parents and kids, especially adult kids, could just reimagine their relationships right now, I think people, I personally think people are drowning because they're cut off from their family's origin for a thousand different reasons.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes it's just like this. It's just this weird distance that happens, and nobody knows how to get back. And so they send a massage because they think that would be nice for them. And you're like, I hate this, and nobody knows how to say. And then just takes one person to get in a car and say, we're going to breakfast. You're my boys and I love you. We got half. I got half a life to go still.

[Caller]

And I do it individually, not as a group.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you. I mean, you could do it as a group. It depends on how homogeneous they are. Me and my brother and my sister are so different that that would be awkward.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And one of us would just dominate the whole thing. But individual. But, you know, your boy, they may all be just awesome together. Ride or dies. And that you could do it all at one time.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that might keep you. If you did it all at once, that might keep you from. From them. From their text thread about you on the soft. To the side. Right.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, by the way, every sibling group has that. So just. It is what it is.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But just letting them know, I love you boys so much and I miss you.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then just hold a tiny little space in the southeast corner of your heart for them to say, mom, we're just too busy. Yeah, I don't think they will, but I would rather you know that and grieve that than every day keep ginning up that story that there's something wrong with you and you're unlovable. And what if I try this? What if I try this? I'd rather you just head right into the scariest conversation and have it.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And God Almighty, if you can cure yourself of martyr syndrome, please write that book. It'll sell a billion copies. Billion.

[Caller]

Well, I haven't in 57 years, so it's not looking good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Just day one. Day one. Hey. You've made my whole day. Bonnie, thank you so much for calling me. I'm really, really grateful for you. And by the way, if moms and dads across the country will reach out. And by the. By the way, about the. By the way, if moms and dads will. Across the country will reach out to their. Their aging or adult kids and have this conversation and be willing to hear feedback without snapping or trying to cover it up or. And just saying words, I'm sorry, or you're right, or I did. There was more context to that. But here's the deal. You're right. If we could just say, I'm sorry and I forgive you, and will you forgive me? And how can I love you? My goodness. We're talking about a culture that has absolutely been revolutionized. We come back, we Talk to a man who wonders how to move on after getting fired from his job. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Emotional, relational, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. Your digital life right now. Your personal information. Things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school. Sitting on countless gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give any of them permission to have your personal information. But it's out there. And let's be honest, that's not just annoying, that's violating. That constant exposure creates this anxiety that just hums in the background of your life. Something always feels off. It makes it impossible to trust anyone. And this is why I use Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your knowledge and without your permission. Delete Me tracks down your information and removes it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they did. Because taking control of your digital life is about boundaries. And boundaries provide Peace. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20 off your entire order. All right, let's go to Omaha somewhere. Let's talk to David. What's up, David?

[Caller]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, man? I'm doing great. How about you?

[Caller]

Hanging in there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

Well, one thing I called in is about a. A year ago, I got let go for my job. And I still have a lot of anxiety and fear after losing that. Never had that happen before. Feel like I was performing well. And everybody was surprised that I was getting let go where I was at. It was total shock to me too. And so still don't know how to move on from that. And I tried to work through it, but still hits me every other day. Yeah, or every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you ever get a reason why?

[Caller]

They said it was a restructure reorg, but it was. Felt pretty personal. A lot of other people, my position or a level, got let go as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it wasn't personal. It wasn't personal. It was a whole band of.

[Caller]

It felt like it was for me specifically, but I don't have proof on that. And that's a. That's kind of something I'm trying to get over because it. I did not have a good relationship with that boss at the time. He was fairly new.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, okay. What have you done in the last year.

[Caller]

So I relocated to. Or I'm looking. Relocated to a different area, trying to start. Well, we paid off all of our debt, relocated, relocated to a new area and trying to get money saved to buy a house and start our family, which is. That's a good part. But it's just in my current job, where I got a new job, I'm trying to work through that still because I see every little thing like if I do something wrong, I'm going to get fired. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think. Here's the deal. I think. I think you're right to feel that you're not crazy. You're not crazy. It's one of the reasons why I'm so adamant about people doing whatever they can even dry cr. Drive crummy cars, even live in smaller houses, rent if you got. I'm so adamant about people not owing other people money.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because getting fired has two things. One, the research says losing your job can. Is as psychologically devastating, can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one. And so hear me say, you're not crazy, man. And you're supposed to be anxious about that. If you lost a good friend in a car wreck and you were in that car, you'd be nervous to get in cars and drive for a while. It's just part of it. And so you're right to have your antenna up at your new job. You don't know anybody there. You're in a new area. You've just been. I mean, you're a year out from just getting the rug pulled out from under you. You're right to be nervous. Okay. You're not crazy. I want to solve. I want to go at this or solve this, if you will, in a couple of ways. The first way is, as y' all are working on it, I want to build in margins. So if and. Or when this happens again, it's annoying. It's not devastating.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so having six months of your expenses in a checking account somewhere or a high yield savings account, it just lets you walk a little bit more firm. This boss doesn't get to dictate your life because you. You can just say like, bye, dude, and then you only have to deal with the emotional part.

[Caller]

Now that's going to be a big stress relief. I think by, I think, September, I'm working with my wife. August, September, we'll have the six months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm telling you right now, that's a major. Most people don't understand what a game changer that is. An absolute stone game Changer. That's number one. Number two, is there an old employee there or somebody that could fill you in on some stories or et cetera? Because I do think there's something important about being reflective.

[Caller]

Yeah, I talked to them old employees still. The guy who actually let me go and a lot of other people who've been there for a long time, he got. Walked out of the building about three months after I got walked out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's usually how that goes. Have you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever. I guess you don't have any interest in going back.

[Caller]

No, I re. I relocated, and I'm actually. There was a couple. I call them God winks that I got from that. I probably wasn't, I don't know, supposed to be there. I'm in a job that's actually a lot better now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, fantastic. Fantastic.

[Caller]

And so just still trying to fit in there, but just relocated to, I think, a better area, too. And so it's a godwink, but it's just still an uneasy feeling because I'm not used to. I see that as a failure. Not used to feeling like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So if you had tried to run a big project, and you're an architect, and you built a building and it fell over, and the engineers, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do, but your design collapsed under its own weight, I would call that a failure. If you were a closer in game seven of the World Series, and you. Some guy hit a home run off of you, then you failed in that mission. Here it sounds like you were a part of a situation where somebody hired a bad leader, and that leader just started mowing people down. And so quickly thereafter, that leader got walked out of the building. And so I think the fear is less that I'm a failure and more, oh, this what the world is this shaky. And most of us walk around thinking the world is way more certain than it actually is. And so it's reorienting to, oh, man. Like, you can be working really good and producing for your company, and you get the wrong leader, and they'll just cut you, even if that leader gets fired a few months later, because the company's like, whoa, what are you doing? You're getting rid of all of our good people. And so there's something about distancing yourself from the character part of it. And I always want people. I always want to be reflective. Is there something I can do differently next time? One of the most important conversations I ever had was I really wanted a job at the place that I was working and it was the. An executive role. And at the time, the president was a friend of mine. And he said, you're too volatile, Deloney. Like, you are a quick mind and you're a great leader over here and you take care of all these emergencies across campus. Like it's. You're amazing. What. At your job. But to come up to this next level, you're too volatile. And I really had to do some soul searching there. I was mad, my feelings hurt, and he was right. So I worked really hard to be more. Still less anxious all the time. So ask and see if there's anything to be reflective on. And then I guess the last thing I would tell you is start keeping track of every time you get nervous. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to write it down.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And here's why I'm doing this. You might feel nervous two or three times in a day, but at the end of the day, when you reflect on your day, it might feel like I was nervous all day.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And actually it was just a few times when somebody said, hey, I need to talk to you real quick. And your heart was like, ah, this is it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm getting fired. I want you to write that down.

[Caller]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

906. And can I just be honest? Honest, Honest with you? I've never been fired from a job. I've seen the writing on the wall at one or two places, but I've never been fired. Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To this day, when I get an email that says, hey, let's come meet, I need to see you at 4:30. Dude, my heart is off to the races. I got an emergency fund. Like, I got a house that I don't have a mortgage on. Like, I. I've taken care of my long tails. And I still, I'm like, oh, no, here it is, here it is. Here it is. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I go have the meeting. It's always something funny or silly or even if it's serious. And then I go to the car and I exhale and say, thank you for trying to take care of me body. I'm okay.

[Caller]

That's a good point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's what I don't want you to do. When. When I. After a year of being anxious over time, you start going to war with your body.

[Caller]

I don't want to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't do that. Just exhale and say, dude, thank you for trying to take care of me. I'm good. I got six months of cash in the bank. We're in a new town. This is a good company, they're good people. And if you get nervous, go ask your boss. Tell your boss, hey, I got canned and that guy got fired. I might just check in with you. Is that cool? I can do that. Do you have that kind of relationship with your supervisor?

[Caller]

Yeah, I do. He's a lot better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, if you could do that, just be like, hey, I'm gonna check in every once in a while. This is, this is my drama queen. Real quick. I bet your boss will be like, that's fantastic. Like, I love that kind of relationship with, with one of my leaders. That makes sense.

[Caller]

That makes total sense. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you want to be a super gangster, write your boss, your ex boss, the one that fired you, write him a letter. Don't mail it, but write him a letter and tell him how mad you are and tell him how you altered his life. How he altered your life, I mean, and then tell him, and by the way, it has all worked out better than any of us could have imagined. End the letter with you no longer get to live rent free in my chest. Bye. I wish you well. And there's something about that exercise of letting that anger and rage onto that paper followed by I'm moving on and things are better than I could have imagined. And ending it with, what am I going to do now? You no longer get a vote in my life. You had your vote.

[Caller]

Good. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sound cool?

[Caller]

That sounds good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Caller]

I tried to do that. Have a funeral for my job and everything. And then I just, I couldn't let it go. Still.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Caller]

I think it's just, I don't want to have that cortisol pumping all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Caller]

I want to get. I'll try, I'll work on this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, and, and there can be silly things like making sure you sleep, making sure you eat, making sure you're out moving around and going for walks and things like that. I mean, all that stuff's important. And sometimes that when you get anxious, you might find yourself scrolling a lot more, staying up later watching a movie and then another movie or playing video games, whatever. Your, your drug of choice is having a drink and then another drink. And so it's always good, brother. Always good to step all the way back and look at your life. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. It's the. My number one best selling book. I'm gonna send it to you for free. And I want you to just use it as a road map. Having a funeral is awesome, but you also have to deal with the executioner and writing that ex boss a letter and just saying, you're out. Like, you did your worst. You. You messed up the year of my life. We moved and whatever, and it has worked out incredibly well. And today is the last day you get to be in my life. And then just start writing down when you have those attacks.

[Caller]

Ah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Feeling like it's all coming down. It's not. And then, hey, boss, my last job was real janky, the leadership. And so I'm going to come in and just touch base with you every once in a while because I'm a little bit paranoid. And hopefully your boss is a great person of integrity and he'll smile or she'll smile and say, of course. Anytime you check in, I want you to feel safe here because we're glad you're here. Thanks for calling, brother. Be right back. All right, let's get cozy. You guys know that I love adventures and I love being out there causing mayhem. But I'm telling you, by the end of the day, I'm ready to shut it down. And when I do, I want my bed soft and cool and ridiculously comfortable, which is exactly what Cozy Earth delivers. Cozy Earth has amazing bamboo sheets that are made out of viscose from bamboo. They're super breathable, they regulate temperature, and they wick away heat and moisture. I sleep cooler with my Cozy Earth sheets. And it's not just me. My entire family's gotten hooked on these things, too. And listen, we have this amazing cuddle blanket. It's so great. We all fight over it. It's ultra soft, it's plush, and it's got some weight to it without being too heavy. It's like an anxiety blanket combined with a hug from your grandmother all at the time. Cozy Earth can help you build a space that's a retreat for your family, just like they have for me and my family. So go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 40% off your entire purchase. 40% off. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about Cozy Earth right here on the Dr. John DeLoney Show. That's cozy. C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 40% off because your bed should be more than just a place to sleep. It should be your happy place. Cozy Earth makes that possible. All right, Kelly 2.0. Something cool happened. What is it?

[Listener/Caller]

Adrian from Tampa, Florida. She wrote in and said, my husband and I are big fans of your show and had the pleasure of meeting you last year when we visited Ramsey headquarters. Listening to your advice has truly helped us improve our communication. After 21 years of marriage, we're learning to be more open and honest about our needs and have started asking each other, how can I love you today? My husband recently mentioned wanting the questions for humans cards for couples, and it was a fun surprise to tell him that I had already bought them. Your show has been such a blessing to us, so thank you to you and the team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. I love hearing that when people listen to the show and they slowly implement some things into their life, it's fantastic. And good work to you all. In our gang on the team. Not you long here, country boy. I'll even let you have a king you're into. Thanks you guys, man, because y' all don't get to go on the road. I was on the road for the last like three or four weeks just hammering it, man. I tell you what, getting to see people in airports and gas stations, I mean, 1am walking off, off, off off Times Square in New York and a couple stops me at 1:00am I mean, what yalls work y' all are doing is making a huge difference out there. It's awesome. Pretty cool, man. And for everybody listening, thank you all so, so much. Don't forget to share and like and subscribe. Subscribe and thumbs up and I don't know, just tell the AI overlords I like this show. I don't know how to work that. Tell your car it'll probably sign up for you too, but hit those buttons make makes a huge difference. Love y'. All. Bye.