My Alcoholic Husband Refuses to Sober Up

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show: "My Alcoholic Husband Refuses to Sober Up" – Episode Summary

Release Date: October 30, 2024
Host: Ramsey Network

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses complex and emotionally charged issues surrounding relationships strained by addiction, familial pressures, and personal self-worth. By engaging directly with listeners’ real-life struggles, Dr. DeLoney provides compassionate and practical guidance to navigate these challenging situations.

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Caller Aaron: Navigating an Alcoholic Husband's Refusal to Seek Help

Overview:
Aaron from Chicago reaches out with a heart-wrenching story about her 15-year marriage plagued by her husband's alcoholism. Despite multiple attempts to encourage sobriety—including a recent three-day detox and three months of sobriety—her husband continues to relapse. The situation escalated when he drove their son home drunk from a sports event, leading Aaron to involve Child Protective Services (CPS). Although CPS couldn't take action due to insufficient evidence, Aaron fears the ongoing cycle of relapse will only worsen.

Key Points:

• Impact on Family: Aaron expresses deep frustration and resentment, feeling more like a mother than a wife. She observes that her children are increasingly sensitive to the tension caused by their father's drinking.

• Attempts at Intervention: Aaron has repeatedly confronted her husband, who temporarily agrees to reduce or stop drinking but invariably resumes. Her latest attempt involved asking him to move out to enforce sobriety, which he refuses, citing ownership of the house.

• Emotional Toll: The perpetual struggle has left Aaron feeling overwhelmed, as she tries to manage household responsibilities and protect her children without enabling her husband's behavior.

Notable Quotes:

• Aaron (01:38): "How do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab?"
• Dr. DeLoney (03:30): "You simply don't have an easy path forward."
• Aaron (05:28): "I hate trying to control him."

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Acknowledge the Complexity: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that there is no straightforward solution and acknowledges the emotional difficulty of Aaron’s situation.

• Set Clear Boundaries: He advises Aaron to establish specific, non-negotiable behaviors that she will no longer tolerate, such as driving under the influence or endangering their children.

• Consider Professional Intervention: Suggesting a structured intervention, Dr. DeLoney recommends involving a professional to facilitate a controlled and supportive confrontation.

• Prioritize Safety: He underscores the importance of ensuring the safety and well-being of Aaron and her children, even if it means making tough decisions like separation or divorce.

Conclusion:
Dr. DeLoney reinforces that while the path forward is fraught with difficulty, setting clear boundaries and seeking professional help are crucial steps toward achieving safety and potentially fostering healing within the family.

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Caller Kayla: Managing Holiday Hosting Amid In-Law Pressures and Alcohol Concerns

Overview:
Kayla from Reno, Nevada, seeks guidance on whether to continue hosting major holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas given the lack of effort from her in-laws and their heavy drinking habits. She is concerned about exposing her young children to excessive alcohol consumption and the overall tension it creates.

Key Points:

• In-Law Expectations: Kayla feels pressured by her in-laws to host holidays due to their own comfortable living conditions, despite her busy schedule as a nurse and having three young girls.

• Alcohol Concerns: The in-laws' tendency to drink heavily around the children worries Kayla, who strives to create a safe and alcohol-free environment for her kids.

• Setting Boundaries: While Kayla and her husband agree on the importance of limiting alcohol, enforcing these boundaries proves challenging when hosting is expected.

Notable Quotes:

• Kayla (22:00): "Do I still need to host Thanksgiving or Christmas despite the lack of effort from my in-laws?"
• Dr. DeLoney (26:13): "It's not going to go well if you host. It's not going to go well if you don't host."
• Kayla (25:10): "Our kids are the only kids in the family right now."

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Evaluate Hosting Conditions: Dr. DeLoney encourages Kayla to critically assess what hosting entails and whether it aligns with her family's values and safety.

• Implement Clear Rules: He suggests establishing explicit rules around acceptable behavior, such as a no-alcohol policy or setting drink limits, and communicating these expectations clearly to guests.

• Redefine Holidays: Proposing a proactive approach, Dr. DeLoney recommends redefining what a enjoyable and safe holiday looks like, possibly by creating new traditions that prioritize the well-being of the children.

• Acceptance of Difficult Choices: He acknowledges that there may be no perfect solution and that Kayla may need to make difficult decisions to protect her family’s happiness and safety.

Conclusion:
Dr. DeLoney validates Kayla’s concerns and offers actionable strategies to manage holiday hosting, emphasizing the importance of setting boundaries and creating a secure environment for her children.

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Caller Gail: Coping with Divorce and Rebuilding Self-Worth After Long-Term Marriage and Disability

Overview:
Gail from Knoxville, Tennessee, is in the midst of a divorce after a 24-year marriage. At 42, she grapples with feelings of worthlessness stemming from years of a belittling relationship and recent disability issues arising from workplace accidents. Gail seeks advice on rediscovering her self-worth and finding fulfillment post-divorce.

Key Points:

• Long-Term Struggles: Gail has endured a marriage where her emotional needs were neglected, exacerbated by her disabilities that limit her physical and sexual well-being.

• Emotional Impact: She feels used and devalued, struggling to recognize her inherent worth after years of diminished self-esteem.

• Divorce Proceedings: While her husband has expressed a desire for divorce, Gail is uncertain about the legal steps and feels stuck in a state of limbo.

Notable Quotes:

• Gail (36:50): "I am currently going through a divorce, and he's all I've known since I was 14 years old."
• Dr. DeLoney (43:26): "You are reduced to that. Because when it comes to sexuality, there's all kinds of creative mayhem y'all can get into."
• Gail (42:23): "I didn't ask to be this way."

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Affirm Self-Worth: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that Gail has inherent value beyond her physical limitations and long-term marriage, encouraging her to embrace her worth and seek self-love.

• Rebuild Confidence: He advises Gail to engage in activities that reinforce her sense of self and pursue interests that bring her joy and fulfillment.

• Seek Support: Recognizing the emotional turmoil, Dr. DeLoney recommends assembling a support network of friends and possibly professional counselors to aid in her healing process.

• Take Practical Steps: He urges Gail to take concrete actions toward finalizing her divorce, such as contacting her attorney and addressing legal matters to move forward.

Conclusion:
Dr. DeLoney offers Gail a roadmap to reclaim her life, stressing the importance of self-acceptance, building a supportive community, and taking decisive steps to establish a fulfilling future post-divorce.

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Dr. DeLoney’s Closing Insights and Encouragement

Throughout the episode, Dr. DeLoney underscores a unifying message: You have the power to change your life, and you are worthy of a better, safer, and more fulfilling existence. Whether grappling with a loved one’s addiction, managing familial pressures, or rebuilding self-worth after long-term adversity, his compassionate advice centers on setting boundaries, seeking professional help, and prioritizing personal and familial well-being.

Notable Final Quotes:

• Dr. DeLoney (48:20): "You have the power to change your life. You're worth it."
• Dr. DeLoney (48:20): "You are Gail from Knoxville, Tennessee, worthy of a life of adventure and fun."

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Conclusion

This episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show provides invaluable support to individuals facing deeply personal and challenging circumstances. By addressing each caller’s unique struggles with empathy and practical solutions, Dr. DeLoney reinforces the importance of self-care, clear boundaries, and seeking the necessary help to foster positive change.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Coming up on the Dr. John DeLoney.

[Aaron]

Show, how do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab? The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. The kids are starting to pick up on his on the tension surrounding their dad's drinking. And I've grown to resent him because I feel more like his mother than his wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's no easy path forward. What up, what up up. What up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad that you have joined us talking about your psychological and emotional health and your marriages and your relationships, whatever you got going on in your Life. For over 20 years, I've been sitting with hurting people figuring out what's the next right move. And I'm glad you're here. Shows about real people going through real hard stuff. And I'll sit with you and we'll try to figure out what's the next right move and kind of cut through some of the nonsense that's out there. And dude, we are surrounded by nonsense. So I'm glad we all get to sit together here and figure out what are we going to do next. You want to be on the show? I'd love to have you give me a buzz 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask and you can click the links in the show notes. All right, let's roll out to Chicago, Illinois. Talk to Aaron. What's up, Aaron? How we doing?

[Aaron]

Hey, John, thank you so much for having me on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thanks for calling.

[Aaron]

Yeah, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Aaron]

All right, so I have a question for you today. And how do I convince my alcoholic husband to go to rehab?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. I guess my short answer is you don't tell me more about it.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Okay, so I have a lot to unpack here. So if you're okay with it, I have about a one minute summary for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, let it roll, roll up.

[Aaron]

So I've been married for about 15 years and my husband's drinking problem has been a constant source of stress in our marriage. For years. We repeated the same toxic pattern. He drinks excessively, does something stupid. I confront him, he agrees to either stop or tone it down, but then he always gradually starts back up again. He even did a recent three day detox followed by three months of sobriety, but he ultimately went back to drinking. The breaking point for me was a few months ago when he drove our son home drunk from sports. I got CPS involved and it didn't really go anywhere because of lack of evidence, but I hoped it would be the wake up call he needed. Still, the excessive drinking continues. After watching your show, I finally got up the courage to tell him last week that he needs to move out and get sober. The problem is he absolutely refuses to leave. He says it's his house too. I have no right to force him out. He's willing to throw out the alcohol and attend AA and get a sponsor, but he's done this all before and I'm worried we're going to get stuck in this endless cycle. We're both very committed to staying married for the sake of our young children. However, I don't want to enable his behavior and I'm so sick of trying to control him. The kids are starting to pick up on his attention surrounding the dad's drinking, and I've grown to resent him because I feel more like his mother than his wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I can hear you still love this guy.

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah. Very much so. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you also can't keep being married to somebody who's putting your kids lives in danger, your life in danger, and on and on and on.

[Aaron]

Right. Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate this for you.

[Aaron]

And like when the kids were littler, I was able to shield them a lot better. But as they're getting older and more aware, it's harder to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you that you didn't shield them as much as you think you did? And I know, I know you probably know that innately. Here, here's. We can, we can unpack this. I want you to know at the outset. And I'm not, I don't tell you this. I tell you this because I love you. And I think it's, I think it's helpful. Okay. I wouldn't be saying this if I didn't think it was helpful.

[Aaron]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You, you simply don't have an easy path forward. And so when you're looking at all of this, I love this guy. I'm, I'm interested in staying married to him. He's interested in staying married to him. I don't want to kick him out. He said he's not even leaving. I, I all that. I get it. And you don't have an easy path moving forward. And so what you're going to choose from is multiple really hard decisions. There's not an easy one somehow hidden in all of this mess. Okay.

[Aaron]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for. It's kind of like when the football coach or your soccer coach, whatever. I don't know if you played sports, but when coach says, we're going to run a hundred wind sprints after practice, you just know we're about to all face hell together.

[Aaron]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would rather know there's a hundred wind sprints coming, it's going to be hard than when coach would occasionally say, you're going to run till I get tired watching you. Right. I'd rather run a hundred when I know it's coming than 20 when I don't know what the number is. Right? So, yeah.

[Aaron]

And no, to be quite honest, I, I understand that it is hard. It's just that what I'm doing has already been hard and that's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So doing nothing, brutal, right? Leaving him, kicking him out, filing for divorce, brutal. Watching. Visiting your son in ICU because your husband drove drunk and ran into an on into oncoming traffic, brutal. There's not an easy path here, okay?

[Aaron]

And so what I've been doing is I've been just trying to control all situations, right? And so I, you know, started being, I'm like, okay, I'm only going to be the one driving to sport, you know, I'm going to be the one putting them to bed. But it, it all falls on me, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And if you leave, it's all going to fall on you.

[Aaron]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you stay, it's all going to fall on you.

[Aaron]

But at least he, you know, at least in, during the hours of like 7am to 6pm he's good and he's really helpful and I need that because I also work full time. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so hear me, hear me say, as we get going, there's no easy path forward, okay. And it's just kind of dropping your shoulders and going, okay, what's the, what's the right hard path? Or as I've written before, you gotta choose your heart. What's the hard thing coming up? Okay, yeah, here's the, here's the big meta here. Alcohol is giving him something really important. Alcohol works. And it's futile for you and me to try to unpack. What about his life? What about his body? What about his world that he inhabits? That alcohol is such an important protector of Alcohol gives him some space between his life, his own, him and his own skin and reality. And so hear me say this. Alcohol works. And so when you're asking him to put alcohol away so that you can fully be with him and he doesn't endanger people and you can have him for whatever reason, he's unable to do that or unwilling at this time to do that. I don't say unable. Unwilling to. Okay, so for you, I want to get us drinking aside, and I want to get rehab aside for a second. Okay. Because those two things don't work right, without. Without some pretty clear ultimatums. And even then, ultimatums are about you. Here's what I will no longer tolerate. And then he gets to choose whether he does X, Y, or Z. Let's get to the actual specific behavior. Okay, so drinking leads to things that you don't. That. That are awful. Right? Walk me through a few behaviors that you will not tolerate in your home anymore.

[Aaron]

Yeah, so. And I've said this to him at. I'm like a broken record.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. And by the way, that's also part of this. His body innately knows. He knows I don't have to do anything.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I know. And I know that I've been watching you religiously for the last six months, and there's so much. I know that you. I knew you would already say, but I, you know, I tell them I can't have you drunk. Well, his idea of drunk is not being able to fall.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So let's take alcohol off the table. What are the things he swears. I will not have you slurring your words in front of the kids. You will not be intoxicated. And, like, you will not hit me. You will not fall asleep on the couch watching TV while I'm doing, like, what are the behaviors that have to change?

[Aaron]

Yeah. You will not fall asleep on the couch and leave a pizza burning in the oven.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Aaron]

You will not drive with our children while drinking. You will not. You will be sober when I am not home and you're in charge of the children. You won't pass out at random places.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Keep going.

[Aaron]

You will put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour and you will make them dinner rather than sitting out on the patio.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give me one more something. You've done a really good job avoiding him. And you. And you've been dealing with this for 15 plus years. Tell me about y'all, too.

[Aaron]

Yeah, I mean, it's. It's like I said. I. I adore him during the hours of seven to six.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that means. That means you adore part of him or you. You adore a fantasy of him.

[Aaron]

But he. It suddenly it like. It's like a piece of glass goes over him, and it's like he's a different person. And I don't even. He might become more argumentative or, you know, start talking about something that's very paranoid or just. Just ridiculous stuff like I just can't even take him seriously. And so I'll kind of just turn, you know, walk. Walk away from him because I just don't even want to engage. He's just. I always say he gets dopey.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Aaron]

He's just kind of like a creepy guy at a bar.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah. Okay. So what you've rattled off to me is you have to be present enough to not burn the house down. You have to be of sober mindedness enough to not commit a felony with our children in the car. You have to be present with our children so they either don't die in a car wreck or they aren't off on their own in this home. You have to be present enough to get yourself to and from places without passing out randomly and having me or the police or somebody call you to come pick you up. You have to feed our children at regular intervals and get them enough sleep. You see what I'm saying? When you read it all out at one point, you wouldn't let any stranger on planet earth within a hundred feet of your kids.

[Aaron]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so those are the behaviors. And so when somebody says, like, how do I get my husband to go to rehab? Somebody who's resistant to go to rehab, all right, I'm going to put that aside. Rehab is the place where he needs to go, period. This is 15 years. It's probably been going on longer than that. Fair?

[Aaron]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So two decades. This is how the chemistry by which his body operates. There's no way this gets changed without some significant intervention. Okay? Yeah. And I know you. I know you know that intuitively, but just know that scientifically, okay, it will be a long road for his physiology, his biochemistry to change. This is how he's operated forever, so here's what cannot happen again, or he is opting out of this home. And what I would tell you is if he wants to play the card of this is my house, then you, mom, have a hard choice to make. Am I going to leave my kids in an unsafe environment?

[Aaron]

Yeah, well, I mean, he'll. He'll say to me, the only way I'm getting out of here is if you file for divorce.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly.

[Aaron]

And then we'll, you know, and. But I know he.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you get the loop, though.

[Aaron]

Yeah. He knows I wouldn't do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, it's not that he's asking you to do that.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's begging you to end this marriage. Because what you're saying is you can't continue to put our kids lives at risk. And he's like, well, the only way you're going to get me out here is if you do this. You get what I'm saying? Behavior is a language. He's telling you, get these kids away from me. I'm not safe.

[Aaron]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm not telling you to file for divorce for your husband. I feel for the guy. I'm heartbroken for him. But he's making everybody's life dangerous.

[Aaron]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I hate this for y'all.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So your choices are continue to let him live in the house and just be who he's going to be. And you have to create a world where your kids are safe, which means you do all the stuff. Okay.

[Aaron]

That's essentially what I've been doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but I just. I'm just like. That's the. That's. That's the road. You have to choose. Or as he has said, I will not do a thing until I'm legally obligated. Then you can legally obligate him. And by the way, you did the right thing by calling cps. And I hate that they let you down.

[Aaron]

Well, they didn't. They just. There was nothing they could do. And I kind of knew that because it wasn't. He wasn't intoxicated when they saw him. You know, it was just my word against his. And. Well, you know, I got you. I more just wanted to wake him up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what it did was it made him stronger.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Aaron]

And it just made him mad at me. Well, I'm a traitor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It made. Yeah. But even bigger. The law won't even. Can't even touch me.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? Like, it made it more. Emboldens the behavior.

[Aaron]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, yeah, it just pours gasoline on a fire. But I want you to hear me say it was still the right thing to do.

[Aaron]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the question before you is, we're going to continue on, and one day your kids will look at you and say, mom, why didn't you protect us? And if you take them away, they're going to look at you and say, mom, why did you take us away from our daddy? Okay, so there's not an easy path here. The second one is he's going to continue to make you unsafe to make them unsafe. And then when you filed for divorce, his entire narrative will be, mom left me for sitting on the back porch and enjoying my life in my house. So I'm telling you is there's no easy Path. So let's do the next right thing, which is let's make sure everybody's safe, and let's make sure you and your kids are. Have, like, all four walls, and let's give him a path towards wellness.

[Aaron]

Okay, so what does that look like?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You tell me. I can't make that decision for you. I'm just some Yahoo YouTube podcast guy.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Talking about the drinking and talking about going to rehab. Haven't done anything right. What needs to be is very clear lines. These behaviors are unacceptable, and when you do these things, you are opting out of our children's lives. Please, good God, don't opt out of our children's lives. Please don't opt out of this marriage. I don't want to opt out of this marriage. But when you threaten my life, you threaten the lives of our kids through your actions and behavior, your inactions or your intoxication. It's unwise. It's unsafe for me to remain here. And by the way, a guy who puts his children at risk and then looks at his wife and says, this my house, too. You got to leave. You and the kids got to go. That tells me all I need to know about his character.

[Aaron]

Yeah, well, there's always. It always comes down to what my fault is. I'm controlling. Of course, I've enabled him through all these years. He doesn't respond well to threats or being controlled.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And having spent most of my life, most of my career with people who struggle with some sort of addiction. This is just a playbook just to play.

[Aaron]

Yeah. And I recognize that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And does he have any. Does he have a group of friends? Probably not by this point, huh?

[Aaron]

Yeah, he does a lot. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are they just drinking buddies or are they actual good friends?

[Aaron]

Some are, but most of them, you know, he's very concerned about what people will think if he stops drinking. That's a big part of his social life. But what I think he doesn't realize is that everyone that actually really loves and cares about him realizes what a problem he has.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it may be a great time now to call a professional in your area who can help with an intervention and get six or seven or eight friends to circle up and come into the house. You may have seen that on that show.

[Aaron]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it may be. It's good to have somebody who knows what they're doing there so it doesn't become an accusation machine. Right. Those can be done really poorly. But somebody who's trained, they can walk y'all through it real quick and then go do it. That might be the moment. And those often don't go well, but they can hit a domino, a new domino in a new direction that begins a whole life change. But I guess hear me say this. There's no easy path forward, and nothing will change if nothing changes. And so this feeling of I don't know what to do next, I totally get that now that I'm sitting here thinking. I like the idea of he's. He's a rare one, that he's been drinking for this long with this level of. With this lack of integrity and still has close friends who recognize his drinking problem also. And so, man, I'd reach out so we could circle up six or seven folks and meet in his living room and say, today's the day and there's no easy path forward. I'm so sorry, Aaron. I hate this for you. My dream is he goes and gets and gets the help that he needs, and the lights come back on. That's my hope. That's my hope. That's my hope. And my other hope is that your marriage can be saved and you and the kids are safe and y'all can rebuild something amazing. I believe in that. I really do. Anytime somebody comes to a marriage counselor, anytime somebody comes to a marriage coach, any time somebody sits down and somebody's struggling with addiction, especially a chemical dependency, there's no helping the marriage, there's no helping the parenting until the chemical dependency is taken care of. So all of the healing in the house starts with sobriety, and then we go from there. Thanks for the call, Aaron. Call anytime. I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. Yo, I saw a headline the other day that made me want to set both of my ears and my nose on fire. One third of the United States population's background. Their information is now totally public. 115 million of us. Our personal, private information is just out there for anyone to find and do with what they please. And with data breaches becoming more frequent, it feels like we're losing control over who has access to our personal information. Nothing feels like ours anymore. And that's why I love Delete Me. They are the best folks out there taking care of all of your private data and getting it out of the hands of the bad guys. DeleteMe removes your personal information from the countless data broker websites that buy, sell, and trade your data. And that information includes your name, address, phone number, work history, property values, places you've lived all throughout your life and much more. And as much as I hate the interwebs Here I am. I'm on them everywhere now. And Delete me puts the power of my data back in my hands, helping me take control over where my information is stored and who has access to it. And your information doesn't need to be in the hands of other people. So sign up with delete me today. Individual delete me plans start as low as nine bucks a month, helping to protect you from the risks of unwanted exposure. And online scammers, spammers, stalkers, and thieves. Go to joindelete me.com DeLoney today for 20% off. That's join j o I n deleteme.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Reno, Nevada and talk to Kayla. What's up, Kayla?

[Gail]

Hi, John. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you for calling. Good, good. What's happening?

[Gail]

So my question is, do I still need to host Thanksgiving or Christmas and. Or Christmas despite the lack of effort from my in laws?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hmm. Tell me more. I'm kind of confused by the question. Tell me more.

[Gail]

So there's like a lot of pressure from our in laws to host because of our house and our space.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a big, nice house.

[Gail]

I mean, I think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Gail]

I'm happy where we live.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. And so do your in laws have a small place?

[Gail]

No, they have a nice house, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why do they. Why do they like it when you guys host?

[Gail]

I don't. I don't even think. I don't know. Last year my mother in law was like, all the girls in the family got together and we decided, we're going to have Thanksgiving at your house. And I was working that day. I'm a nurse. We have three little girls. And my husband had to, like, tell his mom no. And it was hard. But I'm just nervous for this year because I just feel like there's an expectation for us to host.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you and your husband ever, like, sent an email around that says or had in person that says we're going to host on a rotation now?

[Gail]

No, we definitely have not done that, but we would like to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Here. Here's the devil's advocate. Like, I'll be the devil's advocate here. What, what does hosting entail? Let me ask you this. Are you keeping score or like, we've done it and then now y'all need to do it or is it if they host in your house or if they like, if they host in your house, you still have to do all the work and you have to clean everything up.

[Gail]

I think for me. So we have three little girls.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Gail]

And his family likes to drink heavily.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, now we're getting.

[Gail]

Which is fine. I'm like, not their beer police, but I just don't want my kids around that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now we're getting to it. That's. That's a totally different conversation. Because if they want you to host and you can't afford it because they expect you to get all the food, all the meat and all the alcohol or whatever, that's one thing. If they expect you to host and you, because of your job, you work all day, your husband works all day, and it's just not feasible. That's another thing. If they want you to host because you have a nice place and they're embarrassed of their place and you're keeping score, I would say get over it. Just host this holidays. This is a whole other thing. This is. I don't want my kids around them. And hosting is now this proxy war.

[Gail]

Yeah. I don't want to say, like, I don't want them around them, but just, I think there has to be, like, limits. And then my kids, Our kids are the only kids in the family right now. And I just. And I've said it before, like, I don't want a bunch of drunk adults around kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who have you said, who have you said that to?

[Gail]

My husband and my father in law.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does your husband say?

[Gail]

He agrees.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What's your father in law say?

[Gail]

He. He agrees. But like, I don't. I don't know how to explain it. Like, one time he drank like 12 beers. And I was like, hey, like, you gotta drive home. You know, like, just Because I think when your kids see it, like, they're gonna do it too in the future. Like behaviors, you know, like, your kids are watching. Yeah, they're watching us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Now there's a whole host of issues of having a house full of drunk adults around young kids. Your. Your gut is right. Okay.

[Gail]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you host at your house, can you make a no alcohol rule?

[Gail]

I mean, I could try. I just don't think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know what you try at your house.

[Gail]

I just don't see how that would, like, I just don't think that would go over well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're past going over well. We're done with that. It's not going to go well if you host. It's not going to go well if you don't host. Like, so that ship has sailed. What we're looking for now is what is reality and what's the world that you want to inhabit? Because what you want, the world you want to inhabit is not going to make them happy with you. So let's let that fantasy go.

[Gail]

That's. That's the reality. I think that's what sucks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's okay. So let's. Let's grieve that it's the worst, and then let's make a plan oriented around what is safe for your kids. What do you want for your household, and what do you and your husband want as potential hosts? And how would we do that? Because I. I think you're caught in. How do I satisfy these people? I don't want these people mad at me. I'm a new part of their family. I have this other fantasy about these awesome grandparents and aunts and uncles around my kids. You may not have that, Kayla.

[Gail]

Yeah, I think you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I just sit with you? That's heartbreaking.

[Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because grandparents are supposed to, like, delight in their grandkids and spoil them rotten and be obnoxious and silly and not drunk.

[Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In a perfect world, in laws show up and they relieve the burden. They don't bring burden with them. Whether it's their judgments or their, oh, my gosh, I don't like this, or I wouldn't have made this. Or let's have 12 beers and then drive home in front of. I mean, you see what I'm saying? It shouldn't be that way, and I hate that it is.

[Gail]

So how do I, like, move forward, though? Just like no alcohol. Like, how do you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like our last. It's like my last call, the last caller. You don't have an easy path forward. So I think exhaling into that is good. Right? So it's. I. I think it's easy to get trapped thinking, okay, what's the way to navigate this? That nobody gets mad and nobody gets hurt and we all still land. That won't happen here. And so there should be, like a relief, almost like, ah, okay. If I just keep doing nothing, I'm going to resent my family, my in laws, I'm going to hate them, and I'm going to not look forward to the holiday season already.

[Gail]

So that's. Yeah, that's where I'm at. We've been married for 10 years now. And then, like, I am not excited about the holidays.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's stop doing that.

[Gail]

Yeah. That's why I wanted to call you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so let's stick a flag in that. And I know the ground in Reno's harsh. It's just rocky, but let's just jam a flag in the ground. From this point forward, me, as for me and my house, we're going to enjoy the holidays. And what does that mean? Reverse engineer that. What is enjoyment? Because you know what? Your kids feel the tension in starting in September, they feel the angst. And I don't want to raise my kids in a house where the fall, finally, the million degree heat in Reno finally breaks. I don't want my kids thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas as tense like and gropey kind of drunk granddad. I don't want that. All my kids to remember how relaxed and chill mom and dad were. So what must be true for that? You tell me.

[Gail]

I guess just like setting boundaries.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no, no. That's too. That's like out of a counseling book or like a Cosmo like article. Like, be specific in your situation. Do you like having a house full of sober people laughing, having fun?

[Gail]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome. Listen to your voice right there. That's it. Okay, done. We're gonna have people. It's cool to have alcohol when people are responsible, not morons. For a decade, those adults have proven their morons are on alcohol. So cool. We're not going to drink. And then they get to opt out. Or there's a one drink limit. You can have drink tickets and they got to come through you for. I don't know how you do it, but I mean, but the thing is, is you have to live in the tension of. I'm going to make these rules for this party. So in my house, here's a good example. We send out an email. Like, here's when we're traveling. Here's when we would love to see you. We hope you'll make it. Here are the following items we will not be talking about this particular year especially. We will not talk about politics, period. Causes too much fights in my family.

[Gail]

Yeah, I hear you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Too many smart people and too many overly opinionated people. I'm. I am the quiet one at our Thanksgiving table. Believe it or not, my house is but B A N A S. Okay. Everyone in the booth is like, no way. I promise y'all. I'm the quiet one. And so all I have to say is we just send it out. We're not talking about this. Anyone brings up covet. Anyone brings up whatever over the last few years. Anyone brings up politics, anyone. We in. In our house at least everybody's like, oh, no, no, no, no. You can't talk about that. Because Deloney. Because John said and everybody's cool with it. We move on. And so it's just about saying, hey, we're going to be a part of this. This is the world we want to create, and we want you to be a part of this thing. And then they, as adults, get to opt in or out, and you get to be sad. You get to be sad if they opt out, because it's either we go to Thanksgiving and get drunk, or we don't want to be in your house. Well, gosh, that sucks. If they choose that over you, they choose that over their grandkids. How heartbreaking is that?

[Gail]

Yeah, But I think even if they don't come, like, we're still gonna have a good Thanksgiving.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And my family. My wife is obsessed with giant Easters. She loves them. Growing up, her family went to. That was like their big. Everybody came when we moved halfway across. Across the country. We don't have any family around here. And so now we've started a misfits Easter, dude. We have randos show up to our house, and it is the best. It's the best. We have a. We open the guest room. If you just want to go there and take a nap because you don't know anybody, and it's weird. Go to bed. And here's this over here. Here's that over there. I want someone to bring, like, a haircut table and bring a tattoo gun next year, like, whatever. We have a wild Easter, but we just curated it that way because this is what we're looking for. Want everybody to show up and meet new people and be energized by random people and have a great day and be celebratory and enjoy each other. And y'all get to decide that. And every. Every year, Kayla. It makes me sad when certain people don't show up. It does. It bums me out, but I try to focus on all the people who did.

[Gail]

Yeah, you know, but I bet your kids were happy, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're running around like maniacs, but they. They get their energy from us.

[Gail]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we're excited to have people over, and we're excited to have a house full of random people that don't care that we didn't, you know, have our house professionally detailed. That we're just a Delonis, man. They're just kind of nuts.

[Gail]

Oh, that's really cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you. I'm just. All I'm doing is just trying to paint you a picture of how this thing can be. And you've got 10 years worth of family data showing you what you want to be true will not be true. So you gotta do something different. And I'm. And I'll say this before I let you go. I'm increasingly exhausted by people just cutting off family, like, you're out of my life. I think it's always fair to give people a map. Here's where we can connect. And by the way, if. I don't know if someone at my table, if I sent the email and said, we're not talking about politics, they said, hey, I really need to get your opinion on this political matter. I would entertain that. But they would be saying, hey, we're not just going to use politics and division as a sport. I really want to get people's insights onto this because I don't understand this particular economic policy. I don't get it. I can't wrap my head around it. So we're going to put on the table. We're going to talk about it. And once y'all start talking about governments hiding Bigfoot truths. And you know what? Like, where I'm out, I'm done with all that, but let's actually have a conversation. That would be awesome. And so it's not like it's my way or the highway, but it's. This was. Must be true here. And I think you get to decide what that is. And none of it's easy. I think that's the big exhale. None of this is easy. And it would be awesome if it lived up to the fantasy, to the story you made up in your head about your grandparents and your aunts and uncle or your kids, aunts and uncles and your kids. And it's just not reality. So let's start operating out of reality. And that doesn't mean we don't get to have a house full of fun. Wild, good, crazy fun. You just can't get wasted in front of my kids. I'm just not cool with that. I hope that helps. Kayla, thank you so much for the call. I hope this year's Thanksgiving and Christmas are. Are times of joy and mayhem and celebration and not yet another year of angst and fear and worry that comes from you setting some pretty clear boundaries, then living into them. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. November can be bananas. And we have the normal November chaos with colder weather and there's family drama, Thanksgiving and figuring out holiday plans. And with the recent election, well, no matter what you think about any of this mess, we all need an extra helping of peace. And one of the easiest ways to find and maintain peace is with the help of Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. With so many external things trying to divide us or capture our attention or just make us bananas, Hallow is there to help you and me keep grounded, to stay present, and to focus on our faith in God. I use Hallow every day, and I absolutely love it. Hallow has thousands of prayers, songs, and meditations to guide you along the path of gratitude, to help you keep peace, and to help you answer hard questions and to help you grow closer to God. And I want you to watch for an upcoming Advent Pray 25 challenge that will make the countdown to Christmas truly special. Download the Halo app and go to hello.comDeloney to get three free months. That's three free months of the Hallow app. Totally free at Hallow. H A L L O W.com/Deloney. All right, let's go out to K Knoxville. Let's go out to Knoxville, Tennessee. Talk to Gail. Hey, Gail. What's up?

[Kayla]

Doing good. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing okay. Tell me what's going on.

[Kayla]

Okay. I am currently going through a divorce, and he's all I've known since I was 14 years old. I'm currently 42.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my goodness.

[Kayla]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is the better part of your life?

[Kayla]

Most. Yeah. Like I said, it's all I've known. And he comes in, he says he's unhappy, has been and wants a divorce. And now I'm like, how do I find myself again and know my worth after 24 years that we've been married and being belittled and intimidated? I have disability issues that's caused a lot of problems, and I didn't ask for it. It was accidents at work, and I'm not able to do the things I used to do physically, sexually, everything. And now it's just. I don't feel like I'm worth anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. How much of that? Well, number one, I. I just hate this for you. I'm sorry. Can I tell you I'm sorry about two things? I'm sorry that you're a ride or die for this many years, just waltzing here and said, I'm out after this long. And my guess is your home hasn't been a place for you in decades, has it?

[Kayla]

No, no. It's walking on eggshells.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And I'm in. I have a rule. I don't ever get into diagnostics and stuff on the show. But I want to tell you, there's increasingly more and more and more literature coming out More and more conversations in the mental health space, in the medical space, about how over time, a body in unsafe, un. Unhealed environments. It's called psychosomatic. It comes out in back pain and knee pain and wrist pain and shoulder pain and sexual dysfunction. It comes out in all these things that gives somebody further ammo to say, look at you, broken. But it's really the body just trying to stay safe in a very unsafe place.

[Kayla]

That is another thing, too. He never wants to touch me, hold my hand, kiss me just because he wanted to, unless he wanted sexual things or anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Kayla]

And I'm like, what? That makes me feel used.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it has. And it's been that way since you were a teenager, right?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm sorry. I. I'm gonna tell you something crazy. Okay, well, this isn't crazy. You've got worth and you got value. Okay, there's just a period at the end of that sentence, but it's kind of like confidence. It's hard to be confident about something without actually seeing it in front of me, without experiencing it. Okay. And so worth is this thing that's innate, but when someone's been stomping on it for most of your life, and not only stomping on it, but then blaming you for how you feel or stomping on it and blaming you that they stomped on you. They had to, or they did because of you, oh, man. It's hard to experience that worth. It's hard to trust that you've got value. Right? And so I tell you all that to tell you, my gut tells me that if somebody is so low, somebody is so small, they'd walk in and tell their wife of this many years. I just. I'm quitting on you. No explanation, no reason. Just, bye, not happy. See you. That the thing you should focus on is survival. And as you begin to gain strength and confidence because nobody's stomping on you anymore, you're going to find yourself standing a centimeter taller than another centimeter taller and a little bit taller. And then you're going to find the clouds start to lift. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like all you've ever. The only water you've ever drank has had a little bit of poison in it. And so when you go drink clean water, it's going to taste different. It's gonna. It's gonna kind of jar you for a minute. And then a year from now, a year from now, he's gonna pop off and say something and it's gonna. You're gonna realize I ain't drinking that water anymore. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Kayla]

Yeah. I just don't want to be alone the rest of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know I don't.

[Kayla]

I want to find someone who actually loves me for me. I know disabilities and all, they.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I promise you that person's out there, but the per. But it's going to be a reflection. You're going to have to learn to love you disabilities and all, too. I'll even go as far to say you're going to have to learn to love yourself, disability and all, first from the inside out. And you don't love yourself.

[Kayla]

I didn't ask to be this way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know what disabilities are you talking about. Give me an example of a few. What are. What are the things that make you think you're unlovable?

[Kayla]

Well, it started with. When I was 24, I was a home health nurse, and I had a patient fall and almost break my back. And I've had three, four major surgeries. Now it's fused, and when I mess my back up, it started messing with my knees. So I've had two knee replacements and getting ready to fix the last one. And I just can't, you know, bend. I can't, you know, stoop. I can't. Sexual position. And it's just limited. My. My body makes a choice for me whether I'm able to do something every day or not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so we've got some limited. We've got some limited physiology, right?

[Kayla]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that all you are?

[Kayla]

Seems to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, that's. I'm not. That's not. I don't care what seems to be. I'm asking you, as a registered nurse, someone who has learned how to love and honor and take care of people in their own homes over the years, are you reduced to a series of positions you can or cannot get into? You tell me. No, that's right. And to hell with whoever has made you believe that. Is that you are reduced to that. Because when it comes to sexuality, there's all kinds of creative mayhem y'all can get into. And when it comes to movement and when it comes to mobility, when it comes to. There's all kinds of things. All kinds of things that y'all can get into that you can get into. But in your world, it's not even worth getting up because he's made it clear that you don't have that value anymore. Right?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to start imagining and gently creating a life worth getting out of the chair for. Because then it's worth worth it to go to physical therapy and then it's worth it to go get counseling and then it's worth it to meet somebody for coffee. And the first thing out of your mouth isn't what you can't or what you aren't, but look who I am. Do you get it?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For so long you've been told you're the. You're the worst thing that ever happened to you, that you're the least of you. And I just reject it. But I also get that that's the air you've been breathing. And it's hard to see it right now because it's in the smoke and fog. When is your divorce final?

[Kayla]

Well, see, that's the thing. He was so anxious for me to get out of his office. He was done. He moved out and said he filed. I still yet do see anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He didn't file. He's got somebody on the side, doesn't he?

[Kayla]

Not that I know of. But who's to say?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's this panic to get out?

[Kayla]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If he's filed, you would have had somebody serve you already.

[Kayla]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's no more filed on you.

[Kayla]

No, I've asked. And he's like, I'm not sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I have to call, whatever, get the name of the attorney and say, go ahead, you'll call and ask where your papers are. Call is bluff because that's just yet another control tactic. He's dragging you around by your heart. I don't like it.

[Kayla]

Me either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. You're like, I don't care about you. It's me. I know. I totally get it. I totally get it. You have kids.

[Kayla]

I've accepted it. It's done. I'm just wanting it to be done. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old?

[Kayla]

They're. They're adults. The oldest is 22. The youngest is 20.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So they live at home. They still living with this crap their whole life?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kayla]

My daughter has severe anxiety because of it. Many see stuff like that isn't if. If he doesn't have things nobody else should, if he can tolerate things, everybody else should be able to. Yeah, well, he says with the gospel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's a child. You know the exact same mindset. My 8 year old, if she can't have something with peanuts in it because she has an allergy, then my son can't have something. Like that's just. It's. It's an 8 year old. It's developmentally appropriate, but not for a 42 year old. But here's the thing, Gail. You've known this forever, and he said he's divorcing you. Let's see the paper. Pony up, big boy. And I want you to worry less about how do I instantly backfill 30 years of being told I don't have value. I don't want you to worry about 30 years or 20 years or 15 years or 5 years of I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't. What I want you to look forward to is, all right, all I've ever known is this guy that has treated me this way. I'm going to begin to practice living a life where I've got value and meaning beyond some sexual positions I can or can't get into and not being able to play tennis because I have my back fused together and I have two knee replacements. And so you're going to have to decide, is that playing cards, Is that getting together with a group of girlfriends twice a week? Is that you and your daughters going out to do stuff? Your daughter with extreme anxiety if you look at her and say, you know what? We're going to go figure this thing out. We're going to Write down the 10 things you're anxious about, and you and me just ride or die. We're going to head right into each one of them, gently and slowly. You in? Oh, Mama, I can't do that. I believe in you. And I believe I can, too. You get what I'm saying?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What I can tell you is you're not going to think your way through this. It's going to have to be something you live and experience, and you're not going to be able to do it by yourself. And so I'm going to ask you to get a group of a few girlfriends that will do this with you. And right now, the limbo is drowning you. So I want you to call again and ask for the papers. And by the way, if he's left, he's not welcome back in the house. He left. He moved out. And if he's still on the. On the. On the deed, then you need to start working through how we're going to sell this house and split this thing up. If he's trying to be all tough and big boy and I'm doing this, and you don't have any value, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, then cool. Game on. I gotta go live my life.

[Gail]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm tired of treading water. And every time I try to pull myself up, you just. There's Your boot right there. Push me back under. I'm not doing that anymore. And if he's. I don't know where those papers are, then. What's the name of your attorney? I'm gonna call your attorney. I'm gonna call right now because I gotta get this thing. We got to get going. My every day of my life, every minute of my life, ticking away, and I'm not doing this anymore. I'm gonna go live a reckless, fun, exciting, adventurous life. I'm done living a reduced life. I hate this for you, Gail. I hate you've been having to live like this for so long. And part of me is so excited for Gail Part 2. Here's what happens when Gail's fully unleashed. And no, you're not gonna be able to go frolicking through a field. And probably with your back and your knees, you're not being able to hike the Grand Canyon. You're right, you didn't ask for this, and here it is. But you could still have somebody who will ride or die and love you till the end of time. You still have somebody that will laugh and play and be goofy, and you can still go on trips. Is it going to be more inconvenient? Yes. When they say, is anybody in a wheelchair getting out of this plane? You're gonna have to raise your hand. Say, yes, I do. Great. Then we're going on to the next. We're going on to the next. And I'm telling you what, my buddy who's paraplegic of my oldest friends on planet Earth, when me and him and his brother and one of our other closest Ride or Die friends and all four of us went to an 80s metal concert reunion and we sang our lungs out, you could still go make it happen. You just have to decide. And the people around you have to decide. You're not the worst least thing. You're Gail from Knoxville, Tennessee, worthy of a life of adventure and fun. And whatever we're anxious about, we're going right through the middle of it because we can. Thank you so much for the call, sister. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. Actually, I'm going to send you two copies. One for you and one for your daughter. I want you to live that book and I want you all to head right through it. Thank you for the call. Call anytime. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. This month is all about gratitude. And most of us have a person or two we'd like to shout out for helping us out somewhere along our life's journey. I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life. One is the great Marilyn Fannin, and two is the great and powerful Dr. Jean Will Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. And Jean Noel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time. Thanks to Marilyn and Jean Noel and for all you listeners. I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for, and hopefully you stop and thank them. But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving or moving forward. We're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons. That's why I recommend my friends a better help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime, so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com deloney all right, we are back. All right, Kelly, can I interrupt whatever thing you have thinged here? Because, like, a thing just happened in the hallway and it's important. A lot of things happening. I know. My wife always says, john, you just are speaking. Not in. In actual nouns. No. You speak in ideas. That's. That's exactly right. Yeah. Yes, but sure, you know, your name's back there. So there we go. Go for it. Oh, that's never been a thing. Never been a thing. I'm trying to be nice for the people. Oh, thanks. It's all a ruse, everybody. Hey, listen, I always want to just. If I. If I have a moment. I don't always want to, but occasionally I want to. When I have a moment, when somebody stops me and says, hey, thank you for pointing me towards a Particular thing. Earlier today, one of my. I'll just. I'll speak in generalities. One of the people I work with very, very closely. No, nobody direct reached out, and they told me, hey, I had my first therapy appointment with BetterHelp. And I was like, yeah, tell me about it. And they said, it was incredible. I said, really? Tell me about it. Not from a surprise, but, like, man, somebody came and found me and said, thank you for pointing me to this. They said they called a better help therapist. And the therapist said, all right, tell me. Tell me why you're calling. Tell us. Let's go through it. And they said, well, I'm just gonna start my pitch because you're like the whatever therapist I've talked to. And the therapist heard the story and then said, hey, I want you to hear some homework assignments. And what was awesome is they were the exact homework assignments I would have given somebody who had told me those same things. And as we started talking through it, I said, was, your findings this and this. And they're like, oh, my goodness. Anyway, when somebody stops me, somebody writes me, somebody calls in and says, hey, I just need you to know I've reached out in my local community trying to get a hold of a therapist. And there's 15 therapists here that are all worthy of being called. And their waitlist is seven months each or four months each. They don't take my insurance or their only new cash or whatever. And so I finally just went back to your show and I got the code and I called BetterHelp. And my goodness, thank you for that. I'm always like, who? Don't think me. Think Better help for setting up this whole thing where you can do counseling in your car, you can. You can do therapy in your car, you can do therapy at your desk, you can do therapy, you know, from your bathroom on your laptop. Don't do it in, like. You know what I mean? Y'all know what I mean? You know what I mean? Don't be weird. But, like, if you're on the fence, as we're entering into the holiday season, and for many people, it's like, holidays, holidays, pumpkin spice, blah, blah, blah. For millions and millions of people, heading into the holiday season is not a great time. It's not an exciting time. It's a. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to feel about this. This is my first holiday without dad. This is my first holiday without my spouse. This is my first holiday as an empty nester. My kids aren't coming home because they want to go visit their boyfriend or girlfriend, whatever, whatever it is, if it's time to reach out and call, betterhelp get a therapist. Make the call. Make the call. And I know this sounds like a spiel, just make the call. And it's just a good reminder from a. From somebody on the team who stopped me and just said, hey, I finally, finally just did it. And session one was awesome. That's just my encouragement. You're worth it. You're worth being well, you're worth calling somebody and you're worth not heading into yet another holiday season dreading it. There's too much else to dread in the world right now. If you need to make the call, make the call. Thank you so much for joining us today on the show. There's some hard calls about how do you get someone to go to rehab? You can't. How do you find self worth when for 30 years someone's told you don't have any? How do you deal with in laws that come over and get you don't. And I hope through all these calls you heard one thread and that is this. You have the power to change your life. You're worth it. Thank you so much. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.