My Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Marriage

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show — “My Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe in Marriage”

Date: October 27, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony takes calls centered around relationships, values, and tough life decisions. The main segment features Sarah, who is struggling with a crossroads in her year-long relationship with a boyfriend who doesn't believe in marriage. The show explores the tension between staying true to one's values versus compromising for the sake of love, and delves into issues of people pleasing, relational safety, and the importance of aligning core values in partnerships. Additional callers raise questions about living together before engagement and career discontent, but the overarching theme remains: How to recognize and hold on to what matters most to you—even when it’s scary.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Sarah’s Dilemma: Dating a Partner Who Doesn’t Believe in Marriage

[00:21-11:18]

• Background:
  Sarah, 39, has been with her boyfriend for just over a year. She knew from the beginning that he didn’t believe in marriage, but as their connection deepened, her desire for marriage became more pronounced.
• Conflict:
  • Sarah values marriage and wants a life partner, while her boyfriend is content with long-term dating and suggests dating for at least five years before reconsidering.
  • She feels stuck—unsure whether to continue a relationship that cannot grow into marriage, or leave despite strong feelings.

Dr. Delony’s Insights:

• Feelings vs. Values

  “Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what’s the next right move.” — Dr. John Delony [00:34]

  • Dr. Delony acknowledges Sarah’s pain but urges her to consider her values over temporary emotions.

• Pattern of People-Pleasing

  “When did you learn that your values come second?” — Dr. John Delony [03:28]
  Sarah admits to a lifelong struggle with prioritizing others’ needs over her own—rooted in her family dynamic and roles as a child.

• Honesty and Incompatibility

  “This guy can be awesome, handsome, great, honest, and not want to be a part of a thing that you think is really important.” — Dr. John Delony [06:01]

  • Dr. Delony emphasizes that the boyfriend’s honesty is not the problem; the trouble is that their core life values aren’t compatible.

• Intellectual vs. Rational

  “I would not classify him as rational. I would classify him as an intellectual. An intellectual can read and come up with any data that fits their predetermined outcome.” — Dr. John Delony [09:09]

  • The host points out that statistics (“50% of marriages end in divorce”) can be used to justify any position, but shouldn’t supersede deeply held beliefs.

• Making a Choice

  “Just because a breakup hurts doesn’t mean it’s wrong… When your values don’t align, it’s very hard to have a long-term relationship.” — Dr. John Delony [11:20]

  • Dr. Delony challenges Sarah to make a choice that allows her to be true to herself, rather than punting the difficult conversation.

Memorable Moment:

“How long are you going to squash what you deeply value in order to hang onto something that maybe feels great, maybe feels fun, maybe feels loving, but ultimately you can’t fully anchor into?” — Dr. John Delony [11:18]

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2. Moving in Before Engagement: Charlie’s Question

[16:09-27:40]

• Background:
  Charlie’s girlfriend wants to move in together before they get engaged. Both own homes, and Charlie is apprehensive about the implications.

• Dr. Delony’s Insights:

  • Values and Relational Outcomes:

    “Couples who play house end up with worse outcomes relationally.” — Dr. John Delony [18:31]
    He presents research on how cohabitation before marriage can result in less healthy relationships.

  • Boundary-Setting:

    “If you already start compromising on that this early in a relationship… that’s a recipe for relational resentment.” — Dr. John Delony [19:10]

    • Dr. Delony cautions against suppressing major values for fear of conflict or loss.

  • Relational Safety:

    “You are anxiously attached to this person… If you don’t confront it now, you won’t have safety in your relationship.” — Dr. John Delony [27:31]

    • He encourages Charlie to have uncomfortable but honest conversations about his values, to prevent future resentment.

Notable Advice:

“If there is something that you have a deep value about and you are scared that by being honest… the other person’s going to leave, then I’m telling you, you’re dodging a bullet like The Matrix.” — Dr. John Delony [25:31]

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3. Career Discontent: Dylan’s Restlessness

[32:53-47:54]

• Background:
  Dylan, 22, is a high school football coach who has already moved through several jobs and is worried about never being content.

• Dr. Delony’s Insights:

  • Trouble with Authority:

    “You have a major problem with authority. Where does that come from?” — Dr. John Delony [35:41]

    • Dr. Delony helps Dylan trace his tendency to job-hop back to discomfort with hierarchical structures.

  • Stage of Life:

    “Your 20s… is not the time for balance. Coaching is a 24/7, 365 job. If you’re not ready to invest your 20s, it’s not for you.” — Dr. John Delony [41:16]

    • The host stresses accepting the demanding nature of the profession in this life stage.

  • Building Roots and Attitude:

    “Make peace with where you’re at. Put a ton of money in the account for 35- and 45-year-old me.” — Dr. John Delony [42:40]

    • He recommends finding purpose in the present, investing both in work and marriage, and seeking opportunities to grow through adversity rather than running from it.

Notable Quote:

“Are you a good coach? Forget the scoreboard. Are you good at connecting with young people?” — Dr. John Delony [47:56]

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4. Parenting & Teenage Drinking: Claire’s Update

[50:59-55:19]

• Background:
  Claire updates a previous question about whether to inform other parents about underage drinking at her daughter’s best friend’s house.

• Discussion Highlights:

  • The other parents were already aware and had a “better here than anywhere else” attitude.
  • Dr. Delony reinforces the importance of upholding family values over popularity:

    "When you start capitulating on your values to preserve like… ‘Well, I want him to still like me,’ a parent’s job is not to be liked. A parent’s job is to keep the kids safe.” — Dr. John Delony [53:15]

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Important Timestamps

• 00:21 – 11:18: Sarah’s relationship dilemma — marriage vs. values.
• 16:09 – 27:40: Charlie considers moving in before engagement.
• 32:53 – 47:54: Dylan discusses job restlessness in his coaching career.
• 50:59 – 55:19: Parenting boundaries regarding underage drinking.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• Dr. Delony (to Sarah):
  “You’ve continued to collapse your greatness in order to fit in this other person’s worldview.” [05:38]
• Dr. Delony (on cohabitation):
  “There’s always an off ramp on the highway. Always. When you’re married, you’ve got to figure it out.” [21:57]
• Dr. Delony (to Dylan, on career growth and humility):
  “You have to be willing to say these words inside your chest: I don’t know everything. And there’s a lot I’ve got to learn.” [39:11]
• Dr. Delony (on parenting):
  “A parent’s job is not to be liked. A parent’s job is to keep the kids safe.” [53:15]

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Episode Takeaways

• Know and Protect Your Values: Suppressing core values for relationships leads to long-term dissatisfaction and resentment.
• Be Honest, Even When It’s Scary: The fear of losing a partner, job, or friend shouldn’t outweigh honesty about your needs and boundaries.
• Growth Demands Discomfort: Whether it’s relationships, career, or parenting, upholding what matters most often comes with hard conversations—and sometimes loss.
• Invest in the Future You: Make choices today that support the future version of yourself, rather than opting for what seems comfortable or easy now.

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This episode offers real, compassionate, and at times tough advice for anyone at a crossroads. Dr. Delony’s signature combination of research, relatable stories, and direct questions encourage listeners to make choices that build authenticity and long-term fulfillment.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Sarah]

So I've been with my dude for a little over a year. From the get go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. But then time goes on and you kind of catch feelings like I don't to date somebody for the rest of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move? What up? What up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental, emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on this show, go to johndalony.com/a S K. I'd love to have you on. Pull up a chair and we'll figure out what's going on in your life and what's the next right move. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, one of the favorite places on the planet. Salt Lake City, Utah, and talk to Sarah with an H. What's up, Sarah?

[Sarah]

What is cooking, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not a lot. What's up in your world?

[Sarah]

So I kind of feel like I'm at a difficult crossroads in my relationship. And every time I make a decision on which way that I want to go, it always feels like the wrong choice. And so I was hoping to kind of pick your brain and see if you would just walk through this with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. Let it rip.

[Sarah]

Okay. So I've been with my dude for a little over a year. And to be fair, from the get go, I knew that he did not believe in marriage. And at the time, like, I met a new guy. You don't marry everybody that you meet. And so it wasn't a big deal. But then time goes on and you kind of catch feelings. And so then six months in, we had a pretty intense conversation where I'm like, I do want to get married. And his thoughts and feelings haven't changed on it. But at that point, like, you don't marry somebody you've only known for six months. So we decided, let's just keep dating. We're both where we would be in this relationship, even with our differing beliefs. So now it's like a year and some change, and I feel like I'm in a relationship that will never progress. Like, I don't want to date somebody for the rest of my life. Like, I want to have a husband. I want to be somebody's wife. I want to have that relationship. But then we talked about it just over a month ago, and one of the things he brought up, and it kind of just leaves me a little confused on my own position on this is he's like you. You say that you love me as much as you do, so why would you choose to not have me in your life at all instead of just have me in your life in the capacity that I'm willing to be there?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what are you going to do?

[Sarah]

Freaking. I don't know. Like, I. Because I. I lean toward wanting to. I don't know, because even if. When I think about breaking up, it's not like I'm. I want to break up with him so that I can date other people. It's just that I know that it's not going where I want it to go, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm interested in this story. Okay. When in your life. Maybe it was six. Maybe it was 14. How old are you right now?

[Sarah]

I'm 39.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

39. Okay. When did you learn that your values come second?

[Sarah]

I. I do struggle with people pleasing, like, pathologically.

[Dylan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long. Who is. Who's the first person you can remember having to make sure they were. Their needs were met so that you could be okay?

[Sarah]

I know that I've. Even as a younger child, I wanted to make sure everybody was okay. Right. And I have a lot of brothers who are very, very good to me. But. And I grew up. My dad was a contractor, and so I grew up watching my brothers, you know, use power tools while I swept the floor, because that was all I was allowed to do. Which is funny, because now I'm the one with the power tools, and they are the ones that ask me for help. But I. I did feel like I needed to be strong to kind of have worth and value.

[Charlie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This situation seems just you. You sitting down. I know there's a lot of feelings, and I guess what I want to always challenge anybody on. But you're. You're. You're the one talking with me right now. Your feelings are a terrible barometer for what's the next right move. H. And so it. When you get trapped between. I have this really deep value. It's wired into me. I knew it up front, and I feel like I want to go out with this guy. Awesome. This guy sounds honestly like he's pretty great. He told you the truth up front. This is who I am. This is how I roll.

[Sarah]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it was fun to hang out with. You're 39, but you got different priorities right now.

[Sarah]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And somewhere along the way you thought, either I can change him or nobody's like, really, really doesn't want to get married. Like, I'll be so great that it will change. And you've continued to collapse your greatness in order to fit in this other person's worldview.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I could say is this guy can be awesome, handsome, great, honest, and not want to be a part of a thing that you think is really important. And for some reason, the story that just pulses through your veins is somehow that makes you less than. And he did a great job turning it around on you, making you feel like, oh, it's, maybe it's my values that are wrong.

[Sarah]

Yeah, I, I know that and I, I hear what you're saying, and I agree with you. I didn't necessarily think that I wanted to change him per se, but I did think that. And I don't know if I've ever actually admitted it out loud, but I did think that eventually it would just be, we'd go from spending four days a week together to spending all of the days a week together. And then it's like, what are we doing? Like, let's just. This, this is a marriage in everything but name, which. That is against my, my faith beliefs because I do believe that that marriage should proceed anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and even, even if you don't believe, faith wise, the data just, the secular data says over time your relationship will be stronger in a good or great marriage. You'll have more money, you'll have more sex, you'll have better health outcomes. Like, everything gears that way because I've been married 23 years. I've been with the same person for about 28 years. We had a bunch of breakups when we were dating, but. And I can confidently say we would not still be, quote, unquote together if there weren't seasons where we were both anchored into this thing called marriage.

[Sarah]

Yeah. And I think so some of the things that he, because he is a very rational person and I have brought up. So he speaks into statistics and metrics more than anything else, and I have brought up those particular statistical data. But he usually like, the 50% of marriages end in divorce and 75% of those divorces are initiated by women. Right. And marriage makes sense if you're going to start a family. Like, that's where the marriage relationship should be. But we're old. Like, we're not going to be having kids. I have, I have kids from a Previous marriage. And so it's like, we're not going to start our own family. So marriage just doesn't make sense. And for me, I. I look at it and it's like, people who only want to date want to have a relationship where they have one foot out the door or at least an escape plan. Right. Like, it makes me feel a certain type of way when it's like, why am I not worth the risk of. Of finding our lives together?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think. I mean, I think your questions are right. And I would not classify him as rational. I would classify him as an intellectual.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

An intellectual can read and come up with any data that fits their predetermined outcome.

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

On either side. Right. On either side of this thing. And he has a point. When you take all marriages in into equation, by the way, that includes second marriages and third marriages, a little less than half roll out. That's right. He's right. People are going to try to do the best they can with the information they have, and they get to choose. I'm going to be one of the 50%. I'm going to try to increase that statistics. I'm going to be. I'm going to go all in. Will you go all in?

[Sarah]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I have blessings that are far and away beyond what's. I'm going to try to use those blessings to support and love my community, because I get to. I get to do that. I can be one of the 1% that's a scumbag and a jerk, whatever. Or I can be one of the 1% that is so insanely philanthropic. And like, you get. Here's what I'm trying to say. You get to choose. And he's choosing. I'm out. And really, it comes down to. You get to choose.

[Sarah]

Yeah. So one of the things that he says is he's like, I want. He wants to date for at least five years just to, you know, make sure. And for me, like, that, to me, is just untenable because he's like, your youngest kid will be an adult by then. You're going to have a lot of things that change. Like, let's just date for these five years and then we can decide then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the thing. Here's the thing, Sarah. This is not a. This is not a data conversation. This is a conversation that you know. And you're right. Picking an arbitrary number. Like, again, he's using facts that are real facts to put him on the train for the life he wants to live.

[Sarah]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you're telling me is that track leads you away from who you want to be and the life you want to choose in whatever set of, set of cards you were dealt? Yeah, and, and listen, just because, just because a breakup hurts doesn't mean it's wrong. Just because staying together is really hard doesn't mean it's wrong. And just because of all the marriages, really young kids in college all the way to people trying to do the third or fourth marriage, when you extrapolate it all out, a big chunk of them get divorced again. Doesn't mean I'm not going to give, give it a go. And doesn't mean I'm going to do the best I can because I think 50%, maybe 60%, I haven't looked at the data in the last couple of months of United States citizens are classified as overweight. So am I not going to try to eat healthy and try to live as, be a good steward of my body and take care of myself so that when I'm older I have an amazing life? So that in the present I have an amazing life that's more important than cupcakes or I'm just making stuff up now, but more important than laying around watching TV or whatever. Half right. And so I'm not going to look at that statistic and say then I'm, I'm going to opt out. I'm going to look at that statistic and say oh dude, I'm going to go all in. All in. I, I've, I'm going to make this commitment and go all in. But here's the point. That's not the call you're asking me. The call you're asking me is I'm married to somebody who is looking at a set of facts and is intellectualized a path that he wants to take his life and live. Great. You have a value system that says I want to get married, I want to be anchored into somebody and I want to ride or die for the rest of my life. And those two things are incompatible. And it's not about data, it's not about, well, this facts and this facts. It's about, it's about you saying this is the life that I want to live. This is how I, what I believe and this is one of my values. And when your values don't align, it's very hard to have a long term relationship. When beliefs are different all day long it makes relationships fun and exciting and spicy. But when values aren't aligned, it's very hard to hang in there it sounds to me in my guts like you know what the next move is going to be. Question I have for you is how long are you going to punt this conversation? Or how long are you going to squash what you deeply value in order to hang on to something that maybe feel great, maybe feels fun, maybe feels loving, but ultimately you can't fully anchor into? It's your move. Make the choice that allows you to be who you want to be. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a man asks if he should move in with his girlfriend before getting engaged. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, is offering two powerful prayer challenges starting October 13th. Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus in the Chosen, is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses. It's the whole arc of scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry, mess up, and keep going, just like we're all trying to do. And then on October 20th, Hallow is also bringing back Jim Caviezel from the Passion of the Christ for a brand new journey through one of C.S. lewis's most famous works, the Screwtape Letters. It's an honest look at how lives can end up spinning out of control through a thousand tiny distractions. And it's eye opening and it's so good this October. Join us on Hallow for the story of all stories with Jonathan Roumie starting October 13th, and the Screwtape Letters with Jim Caviezel starting October 20th. Right now, when you go to hallow.com deloney you'll get three months for free. That's hallow.com deloney for three months for free. All right, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Whether you listen to us on podcasts, on Spotify or on the YouTubes, it makes a huge difference. Gets this show in front of more people and it's a gift for everybody. Thank you so, so much. Let's go out to Minneapolis, Minnesota and talk to Charlie. What up, Charlie?

[Charlie]

What's up? Good morning, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good morning, my brother. How are you?

[Charlie]

I'm doing great. How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Outstanding. Outstanding. What's up?

[Charlie]

So I'm essentially wondering, I don't know. It's kind of hard to pronounce. That puts it and put this in a way that makes sense. My girlfriend asked me if she wants if we want to move in together. And I'm really struggling with that aspect. And she mentioned in that conversation that she wants to move and be together living Together before engagement for a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you not want to do that?

[Charlie]

I, I, I really do. I mean, I love her very much. It just part of me says, whoa, like, this is real, and it's scary and financially, and I don't want to put her in a situation because we both own houses before the relationship, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you scared? Are you scared of a value situation? Are you scared of a data situation that says couples who move in together are more likely to break up than couples who get married? Or are you nervous about commitment? Or maybe a little bit of all three.

[Charlie]

Maybe a little bit of all three. Like, pardon me says, hey, what if this doesn't work?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's every relationship forever. So you're gonna have to get over that one.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna have to choose. I'm gonna go all in and pray and hope that she goes all in. And you are gonna have to choose to put both feet in the boat. And no matter what, what path that river throws at you, whether it's rapids, whether it's smooth sailing, whatever it is, we're gonna stay in the boat or you're gonna spend your whole life not risking anything and thereby not gaining anything.

[Charlie]

Yeah, I, I, I see what you're saying. I just, My whole thing is, like, I really don't want to put her in a situation financially if we don't work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's not asking you for that.

[Charlie]

I know she's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're trying to solve a. You're, here's, here's what? I think you're trying to solve a problem that she's not asking you to solve. But more importantly, you're trying to use her as an excuse to not hold tight to your values.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I would hang on to my values. If, if you have not been dating long enough and you say, hey, I'm feeling rushed. I want to slow down, then you need to have the courage to say, I want to slow down if you like me, don't want to. I didn't want to. I did want to move in. I just want to get over with. We ended up having two places and all that. It was, it was annoying. But I know the data, and the data says couples who play house end up with worse outcomes relationally.

[Charlie]

And, like, what do you mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It looks good on paper to say, hey, we've been dating a while. We're getting kind of serious. Let's see what it would be like to move in together before we make this big commitment called marriage. Let's see what it would be like let's see if we are compatible. And the outcomes on people who live together, who aren't anchored into this thing, this thing called marriage, their relationship outcomes, their financial outcomes, their health outcomes are less than those who choose a good and great marriage. That's just the research data. And if you have a faith, commitment, if you have a moral conviction that says, I don't want to move in with somebody, I don't want to, like, join lives with somebody until we are fully joined, then you need to put that on the table. And if you already start compromising on that this early in a relationship, I'm telling you right now, when you all have kids, when you want to take a new job and she doesn't want to move, you will start off your relationship long term knowing that I'm going to capitulate things that are really important to me, I'm just going to keep my mouth shut. And that's a recipe for relational resentment. And she doesn't deserve that. You don't deserve that.

[Charlie]

Yeah, no, she doesn't. I guess, I guess. I mean, I don't. It's hard to say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I, I 100 I don't want to lose everything.

[Charlie]

That part of it is I don't want to lose everything I've worked so hard the last couple years to build and fix.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, if you're choosing to get married to somebody, you are choosing to take the puzzle that you have built and take it apart so that y' all can build a new puzzle, a new picture together. And if what you've quote, unquote built is sacred to you and you're not ready to add somebody to it, she deserves to know that. But you're not there yet. Here's the problem with moving in together with someone you're just a boyfriend or girlfriend with. Yes, you can save money on rent, no question about it. And rent's insanely expensive. And if you're with each other five nights a week, it seems to make sense. The problem relationally is there's always an off ramp on the highway. Always. And it's too easy to get comfortable and always be looking out your side eye at this off ramp.

[Charlie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you're married, you got to figure it out. And those that figuring it out makes you stronger, makes your relationship stronger, it makes you more confident, makes y' all more confident. And you have somebody that you are creating something with. If that is different than two people sharing bills, sharing rent, that's what you do when you're a sophomore in college.

[Charlie]

Long past that Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it seems sophisticated and. Dude, I get it. It seems on paper, sophisticated. And even as I'd go as far to say is wise. It looks wise to practice something. You test drive a car before you buy it. Right. I get that.

[Charlie]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But long term, relationally, it doesn't work like that because if you have an off ramp, you can just go sell a car if it's not the car for you or. Cars are designed to last X number of years and then you get a new one. Marriages says like is are designed for till death do us part, and our culture has turned them very disposable.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sounds to me like you're not ready. And let me. Let me hear me say this, brother. That's okay. It's okay. Back all the way out of this conversation. Let's. Let's take a new track. What is something else she has asked you to do that you're not super comfortable with, that you've just kind of gone along with?

[Charlie]

I don't. Not nothing, really. This is the first big thing she's asked of me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me. Let me throw some things out there. Holiday plans. Has she said things like, well, this is how my family does it, so this is what I want to do. Has she said, oh, I don't really like that. Let's do this? And you're like, well, okay.

[Charlie]

Oh, yeah, okay. Like with family get togethers. And her. She has a very large extended family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Charlie]

So in the summertime, they do a lot of family get togethers, family reunion and stuff like that.

[Dylan]

Barbecues.

[Charlie]

And I've had to essentially say no to family, say no to things I want to go do on my side because she really wants to introduce me to her extended family and so on those, Those.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A, that's normal. B, that's not inherently a bad thing. But C, underneath all of that, I want you to be honest about. Do you also have an equal voice at the table? And if you don't, I want you all to address that conversation.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Charlie]

Yes, that's. It's more than fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Am I talking crazy? Are you feeling empowered? Are you like, tell me what you're feeling.

[Charlie]

I'm honestly, I'm feeling scared that if I tell her this, that she's gonna want to, like, be done.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I need you to hear me say, if there is something that is big, something that is that you have a deep value about, and you are scared that by being honest about who you are and what you value and putting it on the table, if the other person's gonna leave, then I'm telling you, you're dodging a bullet like the Matrix. My wife and I disagree on a ton of stuff. Some stuff makes me sad. And our marriage, the thing we have built together, and we are continuing to take apart and build, and sometimes it falls over and we have to rebuild it. That thing is more important over time. But when I have a big value thing and I need to put on the table after being together so long, my wife can hold it and vice versa. I can hold it.

[Charlie]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the threat that one of us is gonna bail is not on the table. We don't have any off ramps anymore. And so it's not that you're going to put something on the table that she doesn't like, that she feels that conflicts with her values. That's just relationships. All relationships are that way. Friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships. But in your case, you're afraid if you say something important, she's going to run, she's out. And that will happen for the rest of your time together if you don't confront it now you have an established relational. Safety is the nerd word to say it. Way to say it. You are anxiously attached to this person.

[Charlie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that ring true?

[Dylan]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Charlie]

Yeah, it does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What I'm looking for in a relationship, especially two people who are thinking about getting very serious about getting engaged by getting married or playing house, like, let's move in together. Can we. Before we make any huge decisions like this, can we say things that are important to us? Can we talk about past experiences we've had? Can we talk about heavy things like trauma and talk about great things like, I got a promotion even though you didn't. Can we say big heavy things and put them on the table? And can the person that we are practicing safety with, this person that we are committing ourselves to, can they hold that with us and be disappointed about their situation and. And also honor a big value for us? And if your fear is, if I put this on the table, whatever it is, she's going to bail. That. Let me put it this way. I want to be with my family every other Christmas. Maybe that's one of your things. And she says, no, every Christmas, my family, my huge family gets together. That's what we're going to do. And so you have to ask yourself, am I going to just cash out on my family for the next 25 Christmases, or can we have this hard conversation up front and if she won't be reasonable about that and say, you know what? I want to honor him and his family, too. That means I'm going to have to give some and he's going to have to give some because we're creating a new thing together. Awesome. And if she won't, she says, this is what we're going to do. And you go, okay, okay. I'm telling you now, that's a recipe for resentment. Because anytime you speak up, you're going to feel guilty and you're going to be clinched that she might leave you. And if she won't leave you, she might punish you with silence or with withholding or whatever, man. So here's, here's tactically what that looks like you saying, hey, I have a. I've been thinking, I've been doing some journaling. I've been writing this stuff down. I have a couple of big value conversations I want to put on the table. And I'm being honest with you. I'm afraid you're going to hear these values of mine. I'm going to. You're going to hear these feelings of mine and you're going to leave. Can we create a space where I can be honest and you'll commit to staying? And hopefully she says yes. And at that point when we say, hey, here's a couple of things I've seen over the last year, the last two years we've been together that I'm worried about because I get an equal voice at this table, too. And I don't know that I want. I'm ready to move in yet because I'm not ready to. For both of us to go all in. I am. We're not married, so I for sure don't want to share expenses, pay off each other's debts, start both co signing on a marriage, I mean, on a mortgage. Because if we're just dating, it's a tangled, crazy town mess untangling that if we do break up, at least if you're married and you get divorced, there's a. There's a. There's a business transaction. There's legal precedent for how we will unwind all this when we're just dating. And I'll cover this and you pay for that and can you grab the car payment and I'll get the. I'll fix the air conditioner. We're just splitting bills, man. It is a nightmare to unwind all that. In my guts, it sounds like you're not ready, but more importantly, sounds like you don't have permission or space to put that on the table without fear of her taking off that's where you got to start, my brother. Thank you for the call, man. We come back, a man asks why he's never content in his jobs. Oh, man, this one sounds too close to home. We'll be right back. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that nobody talks about, and I should talk about it more, and I don't. So I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it, and it's out there. And let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance, it's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use Delete me. Deleteme goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete me tracks down your information and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries are about peace. So go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's join J O I N joinedeleteme.com DeLoney to save 20% off. All right, let's go out to Georgia, to Savannah and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?

[Dylan]

How you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. You have a sultry voice, Dylan. How's it going? What's up, man?

[Dylan]

You know, first off, I appreciate. Appreciate you taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it, dude.

[Dylan]

When people. When people say they're nervous, I'm like, why would they be nervous? Now? Now I totally get it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're good, man. You're good. You're good.

[Dylan]

You know, my question just basically is why am I never content where I'm at, career wise? And why do I always find myself looking for, like, the next big thing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude. Well, pull up a seat. Pot. I'm kettle. Well, let's talk. Let's talk.

[Dylan]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you, man?

[Dylan]

I am 22 years old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

22. Tell me about your career journey or why are you already worried about this?

[Dylan]

Yeah, so I'm actually a football coach. I coached at a D1 college for a couple years, and then I moved to another state to coach in a much like, larger role at like a high school. Historical. Really, really good high school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Dylan]

I left that job a couple months ago to where I'm at in my current role. I'm in a pretty similar role at a different high school in a different state. And, you know, we're just a couple weeks into the season and I find myself, like, looking at other programs, like looking at other coaches just kind of scouting out, like, potential opportunities for the end of this year. And I want to be able to set roots somewhere, like soon and, you know, quit moving around here, there and everywhere.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why, why have you left? Why'd you leave the university?

[Dylan]

I felt that I was at a really, like, successful big time place, but I felt like the role I was, was in. I was, I wasn't maximizing my abilities. Like I was in a pretty small role at a big place instead of a bigger role at a small place, which was the second. Second job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Why'd you leave the, the first high school?

[Dylan]

I, me, we were very successful. We lost in the, in the state championship. But I felt like me and the, the head coach kind of didn't have the same alignment, views wise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Charlie]

He.

[Dylan]

He was very. I, I left. And another reason I left college was I wanted a work life balance and he was, you know, we were a high school and he was wanting us to work, you know, 10, 12, 14 hours a day, you know, for high school football. And that just where I was in my life and relationships and stuff like that. That just wasn't working for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Two big flags are, are flying here. Can I call them both out? Is that cool?

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, number one, you have a major problem with authority. Where does that come from?

[Dylan]

That's, that's a good, you know, that's a great. I don't, I don't know where it comes from. I'm spending.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have a good relationship with your old man?

[Dylan]

He passed a few years ago, but we had a great relationship when he was, when he was alive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about your mom?

[Dylan]

Amazing relationship. She's one of my best friends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But you don't like being told what to do, huh? I don't either, by the way. Drives me crazy. Makes me. It makes it like it sets off something inside of me that is irrational.

[Dylan]

Yeah, absolutely. I, I relate at a high level.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I guess the first thing out of the gate is. Can I, can I tell you something that happened last night? Like just last Night? Yes. Yesterday I was in Indianapolis speaking for a couple of hours to a group of police chiefs and fire chiefs about mental health stuff. Okay. I got on a plane, caught a flight out, flew home just in time to drive over to the local comedy club here in Nashville. And I did 10 minutes on one stage on one side of the club and eight minutes on the other side of the club at the 10 minute mark. A really famous comedian was in there watching my set and the crowd was really rough. The room was half filled. It's. It was like a showcase night. So they weren't coming to see any one person. The room is half full and it was a grind. And a really famous comedian was sitting in there watching me. He didn't crack a smile once. I then got off the stage and him and I walked around because we were both on the other stage and I blew my clock by two and a half minutes, which is a big no no in that world. And I walked back to the green room and he said, hey, how much time did you, did you have? He called me out and we had a, we had a pretty direct conversation about it. And here's the thing. I'm have a very successful day job and I'm pretty good at public speaking. Somebody just paid me a whole bunch of money to fly to Indianapolis to do that. And then I walked into a room where I'm trying to learn a new craft and I have to submit myself to masters in order to get good at it. You see what I'm saying? I think I'm good on stage, I'm pretty good at it. I make a good living doing it and I'm trying to learn a whole new thing. So I have to take it and I have to say I was wrong. I gotta listen to those who are ahead of me, who are wiser, who are more experienced than me, and I have to submit myself to that or I gotta quit and quit walking in the door.

[Charlie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's a spiritual exercise for me as much as it is a. I want to get good at stand up comedy. Right. And so I tell you that to tell you I'm in my late 40s. You are at the very beginning of your career. If you see yourself being a great football coach one day, a great coach, a great mentor, a great anything. You have to be willing to say these words inside your chest. I don't know everything. And there's a lot I've got to learn.

[Charlie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have to be willing to submit to this is the way I do it. This is my program. Yes sir or yes ma', am, this is my school, this is my job. Unless you want to go out on your own and then you're gonna have to deal with the government says this is the rules for this job and this is the like this just the nature of our world. It's reality.

[Dylan]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I will tell you, I struggle with it, which is why I intentionally put myself in positions where I have to exhale through it. Because last night I was wrong. My first set wasn't great. My second set, I blew the clock, actually had a great one and I messed up mechanically and I got called out on it. And he was right. And I'm grateful for the feedback and the coaching. Right. So I guess challenge number one is you're always going to have, you're going to be job hopping everywhere, always looking for the next thing. Unless you exhale and make peace. For I'm on somebody else's train and I'm here to learn as much as I can and plug in as much as I can. For me in my life, I'm going to tell you I had to make rules for myself. I will not look at another job application for one calendar year period. Because like you, I would take a job and within four or five months I already scanning the the ads for something else. And like you, my wife said, I can't keep doing this. Got to have some root somewhere, right? And that's fair. Here's the second thing. And I'm going to get some push back for this. I don't really care. Your 20s brother is not the time for balance. And if you'd rather hang out with your buddies, if you'd rather go do some cool things, coaching is not the job for you. It's just not. It's a 24 7, 365 job, especially during season.

[Dylan]

Oh yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a busy life. And so you need to ask yourself, have I been prepping for a thing? And now I'm 22, I've got a few years experience doing it. I don't want to do this thing. Then you have to deal with the identity shift and all that. That's all good. I did it for two years. I was a high school coach at a Super 5A high school in Texas. And after two years I thought this is awesome and I love the job, but it's not for me. And then I didn't know who I was. So let me ask you, is this job not for you?

[Dylan]

No, I. It's every. Ever since I've been, you know, six, seven years old. It's what I wanted and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but you got it. You got it. And your 6 year old isn't driving anymore. 6 year olds are not allowed to buy beer because they're six, right?

[Dylan]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're 22, you got four years experience now. You should be watching tape right now instead of being on this call. You're in the middle of season, right?

[Dylan]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, correct. So do you want this to be your life.

[Dylan]

And. Yeah, I mean, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It will cost you your 20s. Yeah, that's the expense. Yeah, it just will. And at the high school level, you got to coach two sports, and so it's going to cost you all of your 20s.

[Charlie]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's something about making peace with that, saying, okay, I'm investing right now, I'm putting a ton of money in the account for 35 and 45 year old me.

[Charlie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Dylan]

Yeah, no doubt. And I guess, you know, when I say like, work, life, balance, I've accepted that. I think the, the one thing is trying to juggle, you know, a new marriage and be present when I am home as opposed to, like, I've never won. I don't care about going out with my friends. I don't care about, you know, this, that or the other. But like, I want to be a good husband, a new husband, while being a successful and all in coach. And I think that's where I'm really, really struggling.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's amazing. How long you been married, man? 22. You're young. Good for you. How old are you? I mean, how long you been married?

[Dylan]

We just passed a month, so about a month and a half.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. One month in. Okay, so y' all got married right before season?

[Dylan]

Yeah, we have. I mean, we, we knew, we knew it was the summer or, or bust. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, just with all due respect, you're way too soon into this thing to be worried about existential stuff. Okay. Yeah, y' all got married right before the middle of a season. That's a, that's a. Hopefully y' all had that conversation. She may be experiencing it differently now that it's reality. You may be experiencing it differently than reality, but this is just the most chaotic time of the year. Right. For both of you. And so the question you'll have to ask yourselves is in those pockets, when we do have time together, which for people who are listening, a high school football coach is there at 6am they are home, the practice ends at 5 or 6, and then they are either on the Road scouting, other teams or they are watching film. They're all, I mean this is 6:00am to, to midnight, five or six days a week, right?

[Charlie]

Correct.

[Dylan]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Not to mention your students have challenges. You probably have to teach too. What's your classroom assignments?

[Dylan]

So I'm, I'm actually the ISS proctor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God almighty. Dude. So you're dealing with students who are struggling, who don't want to be there, behavioral challenges, all kind of mess, right?

[Dylan]

Oh yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you can do a couple of things. You can walk into ISS pissed off that you're there or you can begin to think of it this way. I had some buddies that were actors, they, they're trying to get auditions. They're trying to get auditions. They're trying to get auditions and they realized when they were waiting tables they could play a role for every different table. And they turned their six hour shift into six hours of acting class. You can walk into ISS and decide, I am going to learn how to connect with every one of these young people. I'm not going to be successful, but I'm going to try. I'm going to try to have a human connection with every one of these kids. And after this year, you'll be a thousand times better coach, a thousand times better dad, and a thousand times better human. You could choose to look at it like that. It's not going to make the day in and day out any easier. But there's these moments where you can practice or you can do what Mike Leach did and just make notes all the time when he sees all play and be like, I would have called this play. I'm just going to keep a log. And he changed the game of football. You can, when your head coach says, this is what we're going to run, you can say, man, I would have called another play. And you can begin to practice what I, what I do as a head coach one day or you can just sit there pissed off like, I wouldn't have done that. It's bull crap. Like you get what I'm saying? It's all about attitude. But the, the hours you're gonna have to work are the hours you're gonna have to work and the assignments going to have or the assignments you're going to have. You get to choose whether this is making me stronger and better for the thing I want to be or I'm going to fight this, fight this, fight this, fight this. I'm going to move. I'm going to move, I'm going to move. And you know as well as I do. There are journeyman coach that move every year and they get a reputation and they're, they don't care about the kids, they care about the scoreboard. And more importantly, they care about their reputation. And they hop and they hop and they hop. And here's the thing, some of them are successful, but they live and die by a scoreboard. And then there's those coaches that their, their players would run through a brick wall for that their communities love. And they have good lives and really, really busy football seasons. And this is every job. This is sales jobs, this is plumbing jobs, this is electricity jobs. This is all jobs have these seasons and you get to decide what attitude I'm going to bring to it. But man, you are one month into a brand new marriage, you're 22 years old, you're on your fourth job already or third job already. I think you're due for a big exhale. You're putting a ton of pressure on yourself and when you put that pressure on yourself, you blame the, the leaders in your life for the pressure. You get what I'm saying?

[Dylan]

No doubt. Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you a good coach?

[Dylan]

I like to think so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Forget the scoreboard. Are you good at connecting with young people?

[Dylan]

Yeah, I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you see value in helping young people see purpose and value in their lives that they can't, they can't yet see?

[Dylan]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you find purpose and value in seeing potential in a kid and walking alongside him and pushing him until he can or she can reach potential they never knew possible?

[Dylan]

100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. In the same way, let head coaches and principals and other leaders and even young people do the same for you. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm proud of you. Have a good season, man. Double down on influencing young people in the right way and really find pockets of connection with your wife. That might mean put the phones down. That might means like we're getting up at 5am for date breakfasts or whatever we got to do during this season. That might mean I'm gonna not work out as much so that I have some time for dinner, for whatever she may have to make dinner and come up to the office and y' all eat it outside. You're gonna find creative ways to stay connected during the next two or three or four months. Then we're going to exhale. We're going to have the holidays together and we're going to already be planning for what is it going to look like on the other side of the season for us to really deepen our connection together. And this is the fun stuff that makes up marriages challenging, but the good stuff too. Appreciate the call, brother. We'll be right back. It's the fall, which means I get to wear my poncho shirts even more than I got to in the summer. The mornings are getting cooler and I get to pull out my favorite poncho shirts. The comfortable performance denims and the amazingly soft flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft broken in feel like you've worn it a thousand times, but it still looks awesome. I wear them to dress up events and I wear them on stages all across the country. These shirts have a touch of stretch and they move with you and not against you. And the poncho flannels are. I'm wearing one right now. You can get them in original or western styles. They will be the softest shirts you own, guaranteed. They're medium weight, yet somehow they're both durable and comfortable. And they keep me warm without overheating. They're perfect for layering. These poncho shirt builder creator guys, they are magic. Poncho shirts are built for real life. They wick away sweat, they dry fast, and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. Poncho shirts come in slim or regular fit so you can look nice wherever you happen to find yourself this fall. Look sharp and stay warm in poncho denims and flannels. Head over to ponchooutdoors.com DeLoney and get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Again, that's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney all right, Kelly just fixed her makeup and we have a cool. Crap that happened. What's up? You look beautiful.

[Kelly]

Refresh the lipstick.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You look beautiful.

[Kelly]

All right, so this one's a little bit different. So this was from Claire. We read an am I the problem from her just a couple months ago. She was the one whose 19 year old daughter was drinking at her friend's house and she was wondering should we tell the parents, should we tell the other parents of the other kids that are there kind of how to handle it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what did I tell her?

[Kelly]

Well, we talked about yes, you do need to tell the parents because there's a, there's a liability issue if something happens and that kind of thing. So she said, I just heard Kelly read my question and I about choked on my own saliva.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gross. Claire. Claire, gross. Quit dipping.

[Kelly]

Oh, geez. All right. She says we've had many more conversations since I originally wrote in and it Turns out the parents did know about the underage drinking which blew my mind. They are of the quote better in our house than anywhere else mentality. But never cared to ask our position on the matter. This is my daughter's very best friend. They are joined at the hip. My daughter never made threats about leaving the house or telling anyone else. But she is concerned about the repercussions with the other's families if I bring it up. So they have not yet told the other families or anything like that. I can't protect her forever. I was once 19 too. We agreed to keep the conversation open and she knows at least that she can come to me. So thank you for your advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Claire. You didn't follow my advice.

[Kelly]

But it comes out that they already knew.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh the parents.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Because that was our advice. Was you? Yes. You have to tell the other parents because it's happening at their house. They already know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And they're letting it happen. So now it's a whole different discussion.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is. And does the daughter live at home?

[Kelly]

She lives at home. But that was their fear. And the other is if they start telling. You know. Cause she's 19. But if you. Would she move out? Would she leave? Would she not want to talk to him again? And they don't want to ruin her friendship with this girl that she's been best friends with for years. Especially now that they would literally be calling out her parents. So it got to me. It's stickier now that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

See I don't think it's sticky at all.

[Kelly]

I do. I think it's stickier. Well what should she. What should she do Is probably not sticky. But there's a lot more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean the 19 year old's 19. But as a parent when you start capitulating on your values to preserve like. Well I want him to still like me. A parent's job is not to be liked. A parent's job is to keep the kids safe.

[Kelly]

100. I have a teenager at home that probably doesn't like me most of the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course mine too. And if a 19 year old chooses to live at mommy and daddy's house then they live by mommy and daddy's rules. And I also get being 19. That's why I didn't live at home because I wanted to make my own stupid decisions. That Whatever. So yeah.

[Kelly]

I still think there needs to be a conversation with the other parents.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Just if nothing else it'll give them. I hate to say the word ammunition but that's not it. But like hey you know, why didn't y' all ask us about this? And what makes you think this is a good idea?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just deal. Having dealt with the other side of this, that whole argument of better my house than anyone else's house, I'm telling you, that is a recipe for disaster.

[Kelly]

Well, it is because you're liable when. When something happens, because it probably will. And you know, kids, everything's recorded now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All the photos at your house. You can't even say, I didn't know.

[Kelly]

And you, you're the one going to jail.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everything is recorded. Your house, your living room, your refrigerators, your alcohol. You smile like it's just nonsense. It's just crazy. And you're setting yourself up. The only thing that. The only thing dumber than a 19 year old is a 19 year old's been drinking. Just it is. And you can have all of the like, well, we got their keys. We got. 19 year olds are also geniuses at skirting the rules. That's why they changed the planet.

[Kelly]

Heck yeah. Been there, done that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct. We all have. And so there's something about saying, when you're 21, knock, I'll buy your first round. Awesome. I can't be a part of it. It's against the law, dude. I think that law is stupid.

[Kelly]

Cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It still is. It just is. And it's wise. And when you start saying, but I want my 18 year old to like me versus I want to respect my 18 year old and I want my 18 year old to respect me because we're developing a new relationship now, that's. That's just a slippery slope, man. It's a slippery slope. But, Claire, thanks for preserving your relationship with your kid. I think now it's time to say, if you're gonna live here, here's our values and our rules, and you have to be willing to sacrifice your kid not liking you for a season so that they can, A, still be alive and B, respect you in the long term. Bye.