My Boyfriend Hides Me From His Kids

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Boyfriend Hides Me From His Kids
Date: March 4, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show tackles complex relationship and mental health issues through honest, caller-driven conversations. Dr. John helps listeners navigate hidden relationships, trust violations, emotional boundaries, and personal growth, all against the backdrop of a chaotic winter storm in Nashville.

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Main Themes

• Navigating secrets and boundaries in relationships
• Recognizing worth and self-respect
• Rebuilding trust after betrayal
• Addiction—specifically social media—and emotional awareness
• Accountability in marriage versus “parenting” your spouse

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Detailed Segment Breakdown

1. Caller #1: Katie – Hidden from Her Boyfriend's Kids and Family

Timestamps: 00:06 – 16:27

Situation and Context

• Katie’s been dating her boyfriend for almost two years but has never met his two daughters (ages 15 and 19).
• She drives nearly three hours to see him, sometimes having to hide or wait in her car if his daughters are home.
• He claims his therapist advised him to keep the relationship hidden from his children.

Key Insights and Dr. John's Guidance

• Dr. John’s Directness:
  • “What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on?” (00:23, Dr. John)
• Questions the credibility of the boyfriend’s explanations and therapist's advice.
• Suggests that Katie is being “used six ways to Sunday.”
• “You can't fix him. I don't think he's broken. I think he got hurt. And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing. You don't fix a lack of integrity by lying to your adult daughter.” (04:50, Dr. John)
• Emphasizes that behavior is a language, and Katie should read the actions rather than the words.
• Calls out the boyfriend’s lack of effort (“never comes to her house,” always expects her to make the journey, never openly acknowledges or celebrates her in his family life).
• “You're worth so much more than this. You’re worth somebody who will drive… whatever it takes to get home to you.” (08:35–09:39, Dr. John)
• Katie admits he rarely compliments her and is emotionally unavailable.

Deeper Context: Katie’s Family History

• Katie brings up her difficult childhood and poor parental relationships.
• Dr. John compassionately links this history to her struggles with self-worth and acceptance of poor treatment.
  • “My guess is you've spent your whole life wondering what was so wrong with you. And you’ll show them.” (12:27, Dr. John)
  • “Everybody is worth being seen. Everybody’s worth being known, and everybody’s worth being celebrated.” (16:27, Dr. John)

Notable Quotes

• “Why do you keep sticking your hand back in the bag, hoping to not get bit by the rattlesnake?” (11:31, Dr. John)
• “Any man who asks his girlfriend or partner or wife to sit in the car to hide you… that’s the epitome of low respect.” (14:33, Dr. John)
• “I can’t tell you what to do next—you have to own that decision. But hear me say you’re not crazy.” (15:04, Dr. John)
• “I don’t want anyone I know… to be with somebody who doesn’t look for every opportunity to celebrate their romantic partner.” (15:22, Dr. John)

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2. Caller #2: John from St. Louis – Trust Issues After Boundary Violations in Marriage

Timestamps: 20:36 – 36:00

Situation and Context

• John and his wife were church leaders. His wife developed an inappropriate texting relationship with a charismatic co-pastor.
• Despite boundary setting, she repeatedly violated agreed-upon limits, causing John significant distress and mistrust.

Key Insights and Dr. John's Guidance

• Focus on the Betrayal, Not Content: Dr. John emphasizes it’s not about what the texts said but that boundaries were repeatedly crossed in secret.
  • “What’s important to me is you said, this makes me uncomfortable. She said, I agree… and she then violated those in secret. That’s what matters.” (24:12, Dr. John)
• John admits to feeling like he needs to “retaliate.”
• Dr. John strongly warns against this:
  • “Absolutely not. In no shape, form, or fashion.” (27:45, Dr. John)
  • “Vengeance is cowardice, brother.” (29:28, Dr. John)
• Discusses the pain of feeling powerless, guilt over not confronting the pastor directly, and offers advice:
  • Clarify boundaries and offer wife a clear path to rebuild trust.
  • “Trying to be a drone looking over her every move is going to make you nuts, and it’s going to make her feel like she’s drowning.” (29:50, Dr. John)
• “You are not going to solve this problem … through vengeance … or just sitting around thinking about it.” (31:12, Dr. John)
• Encourages John to take actionable steps toward healing: service, exercise, journaling, direct communication.

Notable Quotes

• "The strength of masculinity is knowing I could [resort to violence], but I’m not going to. That’s emotional maturity." (26:43, Dr. John)
• "If she violates the trust again, then you have a decision to make… Am I going to stay in this thing with someone that has repeatedly violated my trust?" (32:52–36:00, Dr. John)

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3. Caller #3: Nicole – Returning to Social Media After an Extended Fast

Timestamps: 37:21 – 48:48

Situation and Context

• Nicole returns for a follow-up call about using social media again after an extended fast (all of 2025).
• Read “Dopamine Nation” and “The Anxious Generation" at Dr. John’s suggestion.
• Notes feeling more joy and becoming aware of numbed emotions, leading her to seek professional help.
• Returned to Facebook mainly due to FOMO and group announcements for her gym.

Key Insights and Dr. John's Guidance

• Addiction (even to social media) is not the core problem but a tool to numb deeper issues.
• The feeling of being "needed" or "in the know" online is not the same as real community.
• “You were not in the bubble. You were living in reality… then you decided to go back into, literally, virtual reality.” (41:41, Dr. John)
• Encourages replacing online time with real-life community engagement (workouts, volunteering).
• Advocates for setting strict boundaries and possibly abstinence from social media if it’s too difficult to moderate.
  • “Choosing to look a second time is choosing to take a second drink. And it sounds to me like that is a level of control that right now you don't have.” (47:07, Dr. John)
• Urges Nicole to continue therapy and resist old numbing patterns.

Notable Quotes

• “Addiction is not the problem. It's what works. It helps us numb out... it helps us avoid.” (39:27, Dr. John)
• “Make peace with that reality and decide what to do next. Give it another 30 days, Nicole.” (48:48, Dr. John)

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4. Listener Mail: How to Take Accountability in Marriage Without Feeling Like the Parent

Timestamps: 51:30 – End

Key Insights

• Accountability in marriage should be rooted in shared agreements and joint responsibility, not “parenting” your partner.
• Avoid accusatory "You never/always" statements.
• Use “I” statements and focus on jointly created boundaries and consequences.
• “If somebody is not doing what they said they were going to do, it’s not a parenting thing to call that out. That’s being in a marriage.” (~53:40, Dr. John)

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Notable Quotes and Moments

• On Self-Worth:
  • “You’re worth more than this, Katie.” (16:27, Dr. John)
• On Boundaries:
  • “Trying to be a drone looking over her every move is going to make you nuts... your wife gets to A, choose to follow that path... or B, not.” (29:50–29:54, Dr. John)
• On Choosing Reality:
  • “You were not in the bubble. You were living in reality.” (41:41, Dr. John)
• On Healthy Relationships:
  • “Everybody is worth being seen. Everybody's worth being known, and everybody's worth being celebrated and challenged.” (16:27, Dr. John)

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Takeaways

• Know Your Worth: Don't settle for a secretive, one-sided relationship.
• Trust is Earned: Rebuilding after betrayal requires clearly defined boundaries and actions, not surveillance or vengeance.
• Numbing vs. Healing: Social media can become an escape. Real healing requires facing feelings and seeking genuine connection.
• Healthy Communication: In relationships, focus on mutual accountability and avoid parent/child dynamics.
• Practical Wisdom: Replace ruminating or watching from afar with meaningful real-world action—whether that’s serving your community, reconnecting in person, or holding yourself and others to account with love and honesty.

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Segment Timestamps

• Katie’s hidden relationship: 00:06 – 16:27
• John’s trust and boundaries call: 20:36 – 36:00
• Nicole’s social media follow-up: 37:21 – 48:48
• Marriage accountability Q&A: 51:30 – end

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Tone: Compassionate, direct, sometimes humorous, always real and supportive. Dr. John Delony meets listeners with empathy, tough love, and actionable advice. This episode is an honest, nuanced look at how to confront difficult emotional realities and make positive, courageous change.

Transcript

[Katie]

My boyfriend, whom I have been dating for almost two years, I have yet to meet his kids. I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by, even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said his therapist told him to date in secret.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on? This is John. The Dr. John DeLoney Show. As of this recording, I think I'm on day five with no power here in Nashville. The winter storm is still right on top of us, and I've been out of the state. I got back a couple days ago, and it's just been chaos. And being out of state, I was in the wilderness with my son and some friends on a trip, and I didn't have any access to any sort of signal. And I got back and see all this insanity going on in the country, not to mention in my house right now. And I don't. I don't have anything profound to say. It's just a mess. And I'm gonna keep doing what I've always done, which is when things get messy, when things get wild, I'm gonna stay anchored in so that other people can anchor into me. I'm gonna pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move for my house, for my home, for my neighbors, and then on from there. And if you're feeling like everything's spun out, I get it, I get it, I get it. Just know that it spun out for me. It's one out for everybody I know. And I'm gonna keep plowing forward. Let's stay right here in the frozen Nashville, Tennessee, and talk to Katie. Hey, Katie. What's up?

[Katie]

Hey. Thank you for speaking with me today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it. What's going on?

[Katie]

Okay, so my boyfriend, whom I have been dating for almost two years, I have yet to meet his kids, who one is 15 and one is 19. We don't live in the same area. So I drive 2 hours and 45 minutes on a good day whenever I go there. And I might have to sit in my car for hours until they finally go to their mom's house. I've had to hide in his bedroom if they've stopped by to grab something, even though they know he has a girlfriend because he said it's therapist told him to date in secret.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Katie]

Yes. Yeah. And she did. I mean, like, I know that he's not lying about that. And so their mom is with her last affair partner and they're fine with him, but it's more of he had introduced Somebody he was dating before me to them. And they didn't like that he was spending time with her kids or spending money on her. And so he doesn't want to upset his girls. And so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he's gonna lie to his daughters.

[Katie]

I mean, they know that he's dating somebody. Like, I've given and left Christmas presents, graduation presents.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but you don't know if they got him.

[Katie]

But I believe him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I do believe why he lies to his family. Of course he's lying to you.

[Katie]

You think?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Katie]

That one hurts right there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but you know, that's true. Katie.

[Katie]

I. I mean, I would hope to not think that one. You don't think he said they were from me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's lying to his 19. These aren't like 4 and 6 year olds.

[Katie]

Right. Well, and here's another thing just to throw into it. So he's never once been to my house because he says it's a really far drive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you've heard me say this. Have you listened to my show before?

[Katie]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, You've heard me say this.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll ask you, if behavior is a language, what has he told you?

[Katie]

I know. I knew that. I know. And everybody has said that, and I

[Dr. John DeLoney]

know it, but you're being used six ways to Sunday, Hunter.

[Katie]

I know, but, Dr. John, I'm a fixer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Katie]

And I just think. I know he is broken from being cheated on so many times with his ex.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long ago did they break up?

[Katie]

They have. So they've been apart four years and the divorce was final two years or maybe. No, I'm sorry. Three years. The divorce has been final three years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let me just put you at ease, okay? And I'm gonna break your heart.

[Katie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't. You can't fix him. I don't think he's broken. I think he got hurt. And then he can be a grown man and choose to do the next right thing. And that's. Hold on. Listen. It starts with you. You don't. You don't fix a lack of integrity, getting cheated on a bunch by lying to your adult daughter.

[Katie]

I mean, you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. You don't. You don't fix being cheated on by looking at a woman that you've been with for two years and say, I will never come to you. You're too far away. You come to me. That's not a relationship. You're. You're. You're home health. You're a hospice nurse going to him, sitting in the car for hours that is not the way you treat anyone with. I wouldn't treat up like if a. I mean, I wouldn't do that to anybody. Somebody I couldn't stand. I wouldn't make him sit in a car for two hours.

[Nicole]

I know,

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what this, this rings. There's one of two things happening. Either this guy is like the most generous interpretation I could give you is that this guy is super, super, super misguided, trying to do the best he can, or in a way more plausibly, he has one, if not more other girlfriends in that community and he doesn't want like, like Ghostbusters, doesn't want to cross the streams.

[Katie]

Okay, but see, that's where I think it's the misguided. And I'm gonna tell you why, okay? Because I have met every one of his friends. I'm like, his mom and dad love me. So I've met all of his family except his daughters, which they supposedly. And I'm sure the ex wife has told them, no, I exist. And I will tell you, his therapist is not great because she even told him she's terrible. Her husband always tells people that they should get married only once they're ready to stop being happy. So he likes to tell that to me because she told him that. I don't know what kind of therapist would say that to somebody who.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Unethical, unprofessional one.

[Katie]

Right, okay, but. So I do think he's getting misguided like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know, but listen, but listen, listen, listen to what I'm trying

[Katie]

to say though, okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get bad advice from people all over the world every day of my life.

[Katie]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I get to decide what I do next.

[Katie]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't care what his he is hiding behind. Well, I'd marry you, but my therapist said I should not. That's cowardice. It's a lack of integrity.

[Katie]

So what do you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that he keeps getting bad wisdom and keeps going back and paying this person. Yeah, right.

[Katie]

Yeah. I mean, it's never a counseling session. Even says she just laughs the whole time and they gossip about stuff. So, Dr. John, what should I do though?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, you have to look in the mirror and ask yourself, what am I worth? And if the life you want to live, you're a grown up in my neighborhood, if you want to continue to date somebody three hours away from you, who refuses to come visit you, refuses to be honest about you.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then you're. You are, you are within your right to do that. If you are a Close friend of mine. If you were my sister, I would say just, you're worth so much more than this. You're worth somebody who will drive. Can I say something's going to make me sound like I'm trying to brag and I'm not? Is that cool? Please. I left a trip that my son and I have been planning for a year. I left it early to get home so that I could be with my wife in the middle of this crazy storm. I could not get home fast enough. I moved flights, I drove in crazy condition. Like, whatever it takes to get home to my wife and my daughter. You deserve that.

[Katie]

But do you think maybe he's just, like, where I'm so always there and stable? Maybe he just is taking me for granted? Or am I being stupid and making excuses?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think those are two mutually exclusive things. I think his life is about as perfect as it can be. He has a girlfriend who just comes at his beck and call, requires nothing of him.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Feels so little about herself that she'll sit in a car for hours so that he can play patty cake pretend with his adult kid. Like, he deserves a woman in his life who will stand up and say, no, I refuse to be hidden. Yes. If this was week two, week three, I get him saying, I. I'm not ready for you to meet the kids. Great. Month six, Great. I. I could be out to lunch. Super. Wrong. I'd be willing to put money on the table right now that those kids never even got those presents. I could be wrong. I'd lose. I'd lose that 50 bucks. That's fine.

[Katie]

I mean, I just want to believe him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you do. I know you do. I know you want so badly to believe him. And the. My guess is he's got some pretty amazing qualities about him, too, right? He's probably funny, probably charming, probably tells you that you're beautiful, all this stuff, right?

[Katie]

No, that's just it. And that's where I know that I'm stupid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. I'm not gonna let you talk bad about yourself on the show.

[Katie]

Well, Dr. John, I can tell you that in two years, he has only given me two compliments, and he says he's not gonna do that again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[Katie]

Because he was hurt and I guess it backfired on him. So. No, he's not. He doesn't, you know, just compliment me or any of that stuff. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why do you keep sticking your hand back in the bag, hoping to not get bit by the rattlesnake? This has nothing to do with him or his daughters or his family.

[Katie]

You're right. I guess I was just thinking that he might be like my worth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Katie]

And I get it, what you're saying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's your relationship like with your dad?

[Katie]

My. He's deceased.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What was it like?

[Katie]

I mean, he wasn't great. I know what you're saying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about your mom?

[Katie]

She.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

It's.

[Katie]

You know, she.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, tell me the truth. I'm talking about. I'm talking about nine year old Katie.

[Katie]

Yeah. No, not great. Just because of the relationship her and my father had. I mean, they were married, you know, until he passed away, but it was not a good marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. My guess is you've spent your whole life wondering what was so wrong with you. And you'll show them.

[Katie]

Yeah. And fixing things that weren't mind effects. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's so exhausting.

[Katie]

You have no idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you? You're worth so, so much more. So much more.

[Katie]

I wish I felt that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. And let me tell you, the. The feeling that you have is powerful and it's wrong. And I know that's disorienting. I have them all the time. Feelings. I feel this thing and it's inaccurate.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so an important part of growth is challenging those feelings and asking the question, is this true?

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so when you feel like I don't feel like I can find somebody in my local community who will just cherish the crap out of me, you can exhale and say, is that true? The answer is no.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because can I be honest with you? This is also a safe relationship for you.

[Katie]

You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you don't have to deal with the sunlight of somebody seeing you and knowing you and celebrating you. And if you've never been truly seen and known and celebrated, that light, when somebody shines it on you is a lot. You feel exposed, you feel vulnerable, you feel naked on a corner, on a street corner. Right.

[Katie]

You're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's easier to stay in the dark with your head down. Giving and giving and giving and giving and giving and giving until you find yourself with a guy three hours away who tells you to your face, I will never compliment you again because I did that once and I got hurt.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

God Almighty. That's. It's embarrassing. On behalf of all of men.

[Katie]

Right? No, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Any man who asks his girlfriend or partner or wife to sit in the car to hide you. Any man who lies to his daughters. I mean, I just don't. I just. I. That's that's the epitome of low respect. So I can't tell you what to do next. You've got to own that decision.

[Katie]

I know. I know. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But hear me say you're not crazy.

[Katie]

And you don't think he will change

[Dr. John DeLoney]

100% zero or he might. But it won't be because you kept hiding in his closet.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, I don't want anyone I know, anyone I speak to to be with somebody who doesn't look for every opportunity to celebrate their romantic partner with all the time.

[Katie]

I wish I knew how that felt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you're worth seeking that out. And when you. When you finally meet somebody who will tell you that you're beautiful, tell you that these cookies you made are amazing, tell you that they're so grateful that you drove to come see them, someone who will drive through ice storms and from three states, force five states over to get to see you and make sure you're okay, so that you can roll your eyes and be like, I'm fine. I didn't need you to come home.

[Katie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you find that person that's gonna feel like, too much, like, scary.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you're gonna have to challenge that feeling and say, is this person scaring scary or is this person finally celebrating me?

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're worth that. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this for you. I'm so sorry. Everybody is worth being seen. Everybody's worth being known, and everybody's worth being celebrated and challenged. And listen, if you weren't seen and you weren't known and you weren't celebrated as a kid and you were just challenged. Challenge, challenge. Challenged, criticized. It's hard. And it is hard to accept that in adult relationships from friends, from co workers, from romantic partners. It's hard. And that is worth fighting for. To be truly seen, truly known, truly celebrated. And those three things buy you permission to challenge and call people out. That's the essence of a good relationship. You're worth more than this. Katie. It's an honor to get to talk to you. Whatever decision you make next, we'll be with you. We'll be right back. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John DeLoney show, Shady Rays. We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in a deer stand in the mountains or. Or at a gas station 700 miles back. I have lost so many pairs of sunglasses. And here's why I didn't care about them. But then I found Shady Rays and it has changed everything. I love these sunglasses and I will never lose them. These sunglasses are made for real life. They look great, they're durable, they reduce glare and protect against UV rays. And they're not stupid, expensive. And here's the best part. Shady Rays is backed by lost and broken protection. That means if you do lose or break them, even the first day, Shady Rays will send you a brand new pair. So now I can wear my sunglasses anywhere. Driving, fishing, hunting, working in the yard. Maybe even to an outdoor punk rock show without fear. And now I've joined forces with Shady Rays to bring you an exclusive offer. Head to shady rays.com and use code Deloney forget this. 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. Try the shades rated five stars by over 300,000 people. For yourself, just in time for spring. Heading into summer, that's Shady Rays r a y s.com Two things my listeners care deeply about are sleeping well and raising kids. I care about these things too. And this is why I trust BEAM for both things. It's why I use their products in my own home. It's why I use their products to sleep. It's why I use their products with my kids. When I need a great night's sleep, I drink Beams Dream Powder. It takes like 30 seconds to mix and it helps me fall asleep faster, sleep deeper and wake up clear with no grogginess, no weird chemicals. Just science backed ingredients that work with your body, not against it. Things like magnesium, L theanine, melatonin and Rishi and more. It comes in great flavors like sea salt, caramel and cinnamon cocoa. It's so delicious. And for my kids, I use Beams Kids Super Powder. It's packed with vitamins and my kids actually like it. Which if you're a parent, you know that matters. Listen, a great day starts the night before and Beam's Dream Powder helps me rest and show up well for the people I love. Right now, BEAM is giving my listeners an amazing deal. Go to shop beam.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and get 20 bucks off all Beam products. That's shop S H O P. Shop beam.com DeLoney and use Code DeLoney to get $20 off all Beam products. Let's go out to St. Louis, Missouri and take a call from John. Hey John. What's up dude?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Hey John. How you doing brother?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good man. How about you?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Sure you hear this a lot, but huge fan. Been listening for a Long time and just recently getting through a hard time in our. In my marriage with my wife. And it was.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Not as bad as we recently left our church many years where we were serving as leaders. And there was a. Basically a co pastor, very charismatic and definitely liked hugging people. And long story short, the friendship grew. And the main problem is my wife, what she claims, and through my eyes, were having innocent conversations through text messages, but a little too, you know, just too close. And so we set some boundaries and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. Let me. Let me make sure I'm following you. Okay? You and your wife went to this local church for a while. There was a real charismatic co pastor who was a little too handsy, a little too touchy feely, and also ended up texting your wife a lot. And she texted him back. And did you see those texts? Were they on. Make you uncomfortable?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah, so the. The first. So we were. We were leaders, so rightfully so. We were communicating through text a lot about church business just to keep it simple. And yeah, the first time, it made me uncomfortable. And we set boundaries, like, hey, this got to stop. Even though nothing looks bad on the surface, I would still like you to stop. So, you know, like, let's make a group text. No one on one messages. But as time going on, went on, you know, like, little stuff here and there from kind of just somehow they ended up texting again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. Let's back up.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Part of the. Part of this. Part of what I do here is I just want to, like, peel away any of our defense mechanisms just so we can see reality clearly. Okay, so reality is she was texting this guy back and forth, some work stuff, some personal stuff. My guess is you're. You're trying to be a man of integrity right now, not talk bad about your wife, which I. I applaud. But there was some stuff that you saw in that exchange. Maybe it was the volume of text, maybe it was the personal information shared that you were like, whoa, too much. I don't like this. Yeah, this. This. I. I see this guy, and. And my wife has done this. I've got a terrible radar. When I'm talking to people out, my wife will say, like, hey, watch out for her. And I'm like, why? Why? She just like, I know. And she has never been wrong. Never. And so you had that same radar go off with this dude. You see all these texts with. With him and your wife. You tell your wife, like, I. This is too far for me. This is like, we're Going to create a boundary. And she said, cool, I'm in. And then she violated that and started texting this dude on this. It didn't just happen. She started.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Communicating with him behind your back again, right?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let me say this. I don't care what the messages were. I don't care how innocuous they were. I don't care if they were only about the thermostat in the church building or whatever the. You need more copier paper. What's important to me is you said, this makes me uncomfortable. She said, I agree. Here's our new boundaries. And she then violated those in secret. That's what matters.

[Nicole]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

yeah,

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah. It was more than two times.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course it was. I know it was. I know it was. And I know you're trying to dance a fine line here between just dumping it all over on the table, and I don't want to push you to say anything you don't want to say. I want you just to hear me say that you feeling like she's cheating on you, whether emotionally, physically, or. Here's the worst part. You don't know because she looked at you and said, okay, I'm in. I'm gonna make a deal with you. And she's broken that deal multiple times. And so now you're left wondering, well, how bad is it? What else do I not know? Who else is she? Like all that? Right.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah. And I mean, I. I can say I got her. Like, I will. Yeah, I. I can. I got her watched pretty closely. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but that's. That's not. That's not great. You don't be an FBI agent for your wife.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? What. What. What. What did this pastor say when you confronted him? You're on staff. Did you sit down and say, hey, stop texting my wife?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

So that's the other thing that really, I feel guilt is that when he did a very good job of just playing on the line, and basically

[Nicole]

she

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

confronted him about too long of hugs and all that, and he respected it, and he went the boundaries and it made the way. And one time my wife mentioned like, hey, maybe you should say something, and I just said, well, just keep your distance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Let me ask you, man. This is a guy that you're on staff with?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Well, I could think of is just resorting to violence. So that's why. Okay, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you didn't feel like you could talk to him without hitting him?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let me. Let me challenge you on that. The strength of masculinity is knowing I could, but I'm not going to. You know what I'm saying? That's just emotional maturity. I'm gonna do the next Right. Hard thing and not put my family in a position where I have to go to jail. Right.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I get it. Being hard, but also that's part of our responsibility as grown men to lean in and have the hard conversations and not be out of control. Our whole world is full of out of control people. And like, we need guys like me and you to step into those gaps and do the hard thing, but also be in control. So bring me to right now. What's your question, brother?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Well, two questions. The first one is I still always have the kind of. That in the back of my mind of I need to retaliate in some type of way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely not. In no shape, form, or fashion.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

And I just feel like if I don't, my wife is always going to be like, well, he never did anything to. To kind of, you know, avenge me in a way. Listen, if that's just kind of what's in my head.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but listen to me. If your wife needs vengeance from her husband based on actions she took, she. I mean, that's just madness. It's madness if. If your wife kept not responding, if this guy kept grabbing her and hugging her and she kept trying to push away. She stopped going to. Going to this church. She never responded to these texts. Yes. Like, I, I would, I would hold. I. I would hold you to account.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your wife was cheating on you. She was lying to you. She's going behind your back over and over and over and over again.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah. So we. We have left the church.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

And we're in a much healthier, family, focused, thriving church. And there was just a mess in that church in general and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, good. Get out. I hope that guy gets fired and I hope he loses his job and hope no one ever hires him again, but because he's charismatic, he's probably going to find a place.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the gross part of the world

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

we live in, unfortunately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Vengeance is cowardice, brother.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What you're really trying to avoid is how angry and heartbroken you are at your wife. Yeah.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

And that's the other part is I just. I definitely feel like I have to have eyes behind my back sometimes with her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You need to get to that level then. And here's what that looks like. It's very simple, yet it's very difficult. Okay. You lay down a path towards how she can Reestablish trust with you, and she gets to A, choose to follow that path, however ridiculous the rest of the world thinks that path is. No cell phones. Delete all social media. What? No deleted text, whatever. She gets to follow that path. Or B, not follow that path. But you trying to be a drone looking over her every move is going to make you nuts, and it's going to make her feel like she's drowning because she doesn't have a path forward. What it sounds like to me, though, is you've made that path multiple times, she's agreed to walk it, and then she's not.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah, she's definitely taking the steps now, but we're kind of like months away from it. And. And when I wrote the letter to you, it was definitely fresh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

But I, you know, I just still have those feelings, you know, retaliation and then the lack of trust and just okay, feeling like she's my ride or die.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can have that feeling, and then you have to go do the next right thing.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. You are not going to solve this problem. A, through vengeance, you're not going to solve this problem. B, through just sitting around thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it. You're just not. It's going to make you crazy, and then you're going to end up doing something that blows your life up the path. The path forward is feeling like, I want to go find this guy, exhaling. And then go do one chore in your house that isn't normally yours. Go find one person in your community to serve. Go do a thing. Go work out. Go for a run. But your constant rumination on this is going to push you further and further and further. Don't get online. Don't watch old church clips. Don't sit there and look at this dude and look him up, which I know you're doing. Right? Don't follow him on social media, all that stuff. And if you find that I'm stuck and I can't, then you gotta go see a professional ASAP and say, I've got to work. I would tell you, you need to go through a journaling protocol, Write this stuff out. Write him a letter that you'll never, ever send.

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but you have to decide now. I'm not going to do something that's going to jeopardize me and my family. Get what I'm saying?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

No, I. I definitely understand and agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do I have your commitment? You're not going to go do something stupid?

[John (Caller from St. Louis)]

Yes, sir. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. So you've made that line, you've drawn that boundary for yourself. Now, you can choose to be miserable inside the boundary you've drawn, or you can choose to say, I'm going to put all my energy into loving. Well, into serving here and to giving my wife a path back to trust. And I'm going to have these feelings. We all have feelings. That's good data. And then we're responsible for what we do next, for our emotional response, for our actions after that. And that's hard. It's hard, hard, hard, hard, hard. And if some of this is your guilt, that when you saw all these texts, you didn't set up a meeting with this guy and say, hey, stop texting my wife. I know she's participating. We're having that conversation at home. Stop, stop. Then let yourself. Let that be a moment in your life where you say, I'm never going to not have the next right, hard conversation. But I just don't buy, like, I can't have the hard conversation. I'm just going to resort to violence. That's a choice. That's a choice. That's a choice. It's a choice. And so if you need to write yourself a letter that says, hey, I should have spoke up, and I didn't this time. I just kept brushing it aside, brushing it aside. I've seen him hugging other people. It makes me uncomfortable. And I just didn't say anything. Okay, from this point forward, I will never not say something again. And by the way, I've had those moments, too, brother, when I stayed quiet, when I stayed silent and I should have spoken up. And so I make mental notes of those things. I write them down. As of now, from this point forward, I've learned I'm going to speak up, but I'm always going to stay in control, because being out of control is the ultimate sign of immaturity. And my wife deserves more. My family deserves more. My community deserves more. We need a whole crew of anchored men who can deal with hard things in front of them without resorting to either shoving everything off on everybody else, or I just can't control myself. We can, we can, we can. But give your wife a path, and then you have to make the decision. If she's following the path, I'm going to stop trying to FBI her. I'm going to stop trying to be an overwatch, and I have to practice trust. And if she violates the trust again, then you have to have a decision. You'll have a decision to make. Am I going to stay in this thing? With somebody that has repeatedly violated my trust, or am I going to she chosen to end the relationship and I'll just make the next right hard move. That's, that's the path in front of you. Your move, brother. Thanks for the call. I'm really grateful for you. Sorry. This is a huge mess, man. We come back, a woman asks how to reintroduce social media back into her life. I just got home from a big elk hunt out with some buddies and our kids out in the woods. Everyone was using Montana Knife Company knives. I brought Montana Knife company knives for everyone because I love them that much. They're that good. And when we got home and we started cooking up our meals, what did we use? My Montana Knife company knives. They're what I use in my house. They're what I use in the woods. They're what I give to my friends and to my family. Why? Because they're amazing. Montana Knife Company knives are designed and tested and built in the USA in Montana by real hunters and real cooks. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day. And here's what I love about them. They stand behind their work for life. When their knives need sharpening, you just send it back and they'll take care of it. These are the kind of knives your grandkids will fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that are built to work, whether you're on the ranch, you're out in the field, you're a fisherman, or you just want to have awesome knives for your kitchen, go to montana knife company.com and see what's available. Right now, that's montana knife company.com. all right, we're going to go out to Nicole in Tampa, Florida. Nicole is a return follow up caller. Nicole, what's up?

[Nicole]

Hi, Dr. John, thanks so much for taking this, this follow up call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it. So we talked a few months ago, maybe a year ago, about your concerns about how much you use social media and I recommended a 30 day fast. Tell me how it all went and tell me what life has been like since then.

[Nicole]

Yeah, it's one. It was, it was worth it. Like because you told me to do a 30 day fast, but once I get towards the end of the 30 days, I ch to extend it until the end of 2025. And I just recently broke my fast at the beginning of 2026 and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

was.

[Nicole]

There's, there's a lot. The, the book that you asked me to read as well as dopamine. Nation kind of helped me feel a little less crazy during the first initial getting. Getting off of it, kind of quitting culture.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you read Anna Lemke's what I think is a masterpiece, Dopamine Nation. What'd you think of that book?

[Nicole]

It was really good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was good. Okay. Awesome.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And did you read the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Height?

[Nicole]

Yeah, yeah, I read that before. Before the other call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you got off social media first for about a month, and then you kept going and going and going. Tell me what happened in your body and your relationships and your sleep, all that stuff. Just being off.

[Nicole]

The biggest thing was, like, at first. I mean, in some ways, it's still something I'm kind of figuring out, but at first, I didn't realize how much emotion I've just been numbing out on. So there was a lot of good, bad. You know, in some ways, I started feeling joy again. But as the fast went on, I started finding, like, I. I need to get some professional help because there's. There's just a lot of. Just a lot of stuff that I just haven't dealt with and been avoiding trying to deal with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, can I just. Can I applaud you? Anna Lemke was one of a few people who helped me reframe addiction in a powerful way, which is. Addiction is not the problem. It's what works. It helps us numb out. It helps us avoid. It helps us. It's like a great crutch for a hurt foot if we don't deal with the hurt foot. Right. And so you having the courage to face some of those hard things that you were numbing out on and with professional help and more. That's. That's awesome. I applaud you, sister. It's good. So why in the world did you decide I'm going to start using this drug again? Just a little bit

[Nicole]

part of it. Just like there's some, like, Facebook groups, like local ones, where I also in the fast, too. Like, I was working out at just a commercial gym by myself, and I was finding that just working out by myself just wasn't. It wasn't enough motivation for me to actually do something. So I switched over to a different gym that's local and committed to showing up three times a week for a group class. And they have a lot of announcements on their Facebook pages and just other. Some of it fomo. If. I mean, there it is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There it is. Yeah. Yeah. Because I. Because I'm not on any Facebook groups at all. I do have a couple of People. And this has happened even with my kids at school and stuff. There's one or two people in those groups that will text me or my wife because they know we're not on them. Like, so I. I say that to say there is ways around those things. There's somebody in that group that you could be like, hey, I'm not on Facebook at all. Will you just text me? And they'd be like, yeah, of course. But there is that. That underlying. What. What else am I missing? Which is the drug calling again, right?

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Ugh. All right, so you got back on. Great. Time to get back on, by the way, as the world is imploding on itself.

[Nicole]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nice, nice.

[Nicole]

Yeah, it was nice being in the bubble because it's like, I don't know what, you know, so and so that I've never talked to in years, you know, thinks about this world event or, you know, different things now that I'm back on site.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. So let me challenge you. You were not in the bubble. You are actually out of it. You were living in reality, right? And then you decided to go back into, literally, virtual reality. All right, who said what about what? And I don't even know this person or this actress said this or this. This Instagram star said that. Like, and suddenly I'm mad or I'm not mad, or I'm never watching their movie. Like, so I'm just interested. Like, what. What does that bring to you?

[Nicole]

That's a good question. In some ways, like. Like, as weird as it sounds, like a feeling of being needed, even though I'm not even in the situation at all, but just feeling important that I know this information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I am a part of a dad's text thread here in Nashville. All these guys live on my street or in my neighborhood. And as of. As of this call right now, I'm without power for five days. We're in the middle of this crazy ice storm thing going on, right? And the number of. Can you believe this just happened? Oh, wait, that's not real. Oh, my gosh. We're all angry, angry, angry. Wait a minute. That's. Somebody just sent something out. That's not true either. Like, and this is just in a text thread. It's like a group of dads, group of guys, right? And so the feeling, the need to contribute, to quote, unquote, be heard or to have a voice or whatever, especially in an online platform, I think is. It's a way to avoid either a feeling helpless. I feel helpless right now. I feel Helpless. My house. My nice house here in Nashville has no power, no water. It's a big giant fort, right? And I'm looking at, like, when I got home, I was out of. Out of state. When I got home, my wife and my daughter had formed a camp in our living room. And they were covered. They had, like, four layers of clothes on. And they were like, look how much fun we're having. And I looked at my wife, and I was like, they are not having fun. And she did an amazing job, like, literally surviving. Like, why? It was wild, right? And we found a place. We're staying at a place now. We got heat, and we. We. She took her first shower yesterday, like, in four to five days. Put it this way. I was in an elk camp in the mountains in 10 inches of snow, and I was more comfortable than she was at our house in Nashville. Okay? So I. I tell you that to tell you this. I feel powerless. And there's something about feeling that and letting that truth just wash over you and then asking yourself, what can we do next? And it could be something like my son and I. And this isn't to brag this. I'm just telling you what I have. What I did in this. In the middle of this, my son and I went and got chainsaw and we went and cleared roads. Like, we literally went and cut branches and threw them on the side so that cars could pass more easily. Because I didn't know what else to do other than I've got to go get involved somehow in some little way. And I don't know what that looks like for you in your community, but all I have to say is trying to get online and be, quote, unquote, a part of something that you're not a part of it. It pulls you further away from reality, but emotionally, you're invested in this thing, but your body is anchored here, wherever you happen to be. You get what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah, no, that makes a lot of sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It makes you nuts because our. Our bodies aren't where they are, right? Our minds aren't where our bodies are. So anyway. All right, so what. I feel like I'm talking too much. Tell me. Tell me how I can help. What's your question now?

[Nicole]

Yeah, I guess a lot of the. Like, with the fast. Like, most of my question is like, how do I continue to move forward now that I've introduced it back to my. Into my life? But because in some ways, like on the call, somehow I misunderstood where you said to, you know, to go out, you Know, once a week and have people come over once a week. For some reason I heard it wrong where I thought it was every day. So I was, it was kind of like a sprint where I was just, you know, I was getting with people, you know, the going person, being weird. And in some ways, now that I've broken the fast and kind of fallen in some ways back into old patterns with scrolling, it hasn't been as bad as it was before, but like sustaining that connection. And one of the things too is just that has been a bit of a challenge now that I feel like I've just been way more emotional as well.

[Katie]

Like

[Nicole]

one of the things that I haven't ever really wanted to come to accept and I understand it, it's not who I am, but being able just to send the fact of I got the diagnosis that I'm severely depressed and moving forward with that. And also, just where do I go from here to sustainability? Because as much as I want to just be off social media forever, it's just also I haven't been perfect with, with the FOMO thing and all that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. So I think there's a couple of things here. One, most importantly is taking care of your mental and emotional and physical health. For me, the only manageable way is I give myself a very strict time limit. And for me, it's a work tool and nothing more. And so for you, if it's a stay informed tool, great. But after you've seen the first global event, you've seen it. Choosing to look a second time is choosing to take a second drink. And it sounds to me like that is a level of control that right now you don't have to. And so abstinence is probably the next best thing.

[Katie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that means you're gonna have to get news from other places. I get mine from Marginal Revolution. Alex Tabarrock and Tyler Cowan, they're just data driven dudes. And they're quirky and ironic and funny and direct. And that's where I get my news from. And I get my news from people who are on scene. I call actual people if I need some information on something. And I recognize I've got a, I've got an advantage there. Right. Because I've got people's cell phone numbers who are experts and stuff that other people don't have. So I get that, that I've got a, I got a privilege there. But all I have to say is I'd rather you up your time at the gym to four days a week, then go to down to two days a week and spend another full day on social media.

[Nicole]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would rather you sit down with your doctor and say, okay, my body's depressing in a powerful way. I want to head right into this with you with your therapist, and we're going to figure this thing out. And it might be that my wife, I don't know how she can get in and out of social media. It. She doesn't have it on her phone, but she can get into these things and get out, and it just doesn't phase her. It's amazing. She also can eat a whole bowl of pasta and not finish it up with two bags of Oreos. I can't do. I. I just. I've just moved on. I probably could do that, but it's not worth the fight for me. So I just. I'm right. So I. It's part of. Part of growing up, part of wisdom, part of maturity, and I hate to use that word, but it's just knowing, here's my limits on stuff. Here's my limits. And I'm not going to push past those limits. I've pushed past them before. So it sounds to me like right now, getting back off social media is the right thing to do. And then to further dig into with. With the right professionals. Oh, man. It's taking that one extra step at your gym and saying, hey, I'm not on Facebook. Will somebody text me? And two or three people be like, yeah, of course, we got you. And they'll forget a couple of times. That's part of it. But they'll remind you. And then you'll be like, cool, let's grab coffee afterwards, right? And, yes, I would never tell somebody, you need to do something every day of the week. All that's too much. That's. That's madness. But, yeah, making a regular routine where I'm gonna have people in my house once a week, once every two weeks, I'm gonna go to things. I'm gonna go to a comedy club. I'm gonna go to a movie. I'm gonna go do some stuff and get out and see real people and experience real things. And if it gets down to it, I'm going to get some hedge clippers and put on my heaviest coat and my heaviest boots, and I'm going to go cut limbs out of the neighborhood. Because that's literally, that's what I can do right now. And, yeah, grieve it. If you. If you can't hold on to it right now, grieve it, because it'd be cool if you could, but just make peace with that reality and then say, okay, here's my reality and I gotta go decide what to do next. Give it another 30 days, Nicole. Give it another 30 days and then really head towards joy and towards those emotional, those big emotions that you've been slowly starting to numb again. Thanks for call, sister. I'm proud of you. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything. Your mood, your relationships, even your mental and physical health. You can't fake being well rested. This is why I sleep on a Helix mattress. And this is why my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses, too. We started with one in our house, and now every bed in our home has a Helix mattress. Here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not just average sleepers. So whether you run hot, sleep on your side, crash on your back, whatever Helix builds the is for you. I took their sleep quiz and they matched me with the exact right fit in like two minutes. It's easy, it's online, and it has made a massive difference in how I sleep and how I function during the day. Right now, Helix is giving my audience an exclusive 27 off all mattress purchases site wide. Go to Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com DeLoney to get 27% off your mattress. That's helix sleep.com DeLoney and be sure to tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. We got a money and marriage question. These are one of the anonymous questions left at the money and marriage retreat that me and Rachel Cruz put on a couple times a year. Here's the question that was left in the box. What's in the box? How can my wife and I work on taking accountability in our relationship without feeling or acting like the parent? I man, I, I need a lot more context on this. So I'm gonna have to make up something, make up a situation. Parenting is about curation. It's about censoring. It's about protection. It is about. My job as a parent is to make sure my child is A safe and B appropriately adding weight to the bar of life through responsibility, through consequences so that they can feel the weight and get stronger over time. In a marriage, we are co creating something. We are making decisions together on boundaries, on values, on who we are going to be. And so when it Comes to, I'll give a little situation helping with chores around the house. If it ends up you, you need to do this and you never do this, then that is a fast track towards resentment. That is a. That is criticism at the highest level. That is contempt. That is, I'm up here and you're down there. I up here see that I'm doing all of this. And I, and I, and I. So you, you, you need to. Right. That's more of a parenting tack. And you'll feel like parents and then their partner will feel like they're being parented and they. It will drive you apart. Accountability in a marriage is. We said that we were going to be like this. And as a part of we being like this, you are going to do X and I'm going to do. Yeah. And so when we both say that we are in this together and one of us isn't pulling our weight, it's not a matter of being a parent. When you call it out and say, hey, we agreed on this, and I'm struggling with how to communicate well with you. I'm struggling with. We made a commitment. And I feel like I'm doing my part, but I feel like I'm doing it by myself. Notice every time I spoke, I never said the word to you. And I said, I, I'm taking ownership. I agreed. We. I mean, we agreed. I said I would do this. I feel like this. I don't know what to do next. Please help me learn how I can better communicate because I thought we agreed on. And there comes a moment in any relationship when if somebody is not doing what they said they were going to do, it's not a parenting thing to call that out. That's called being in a true. That's being in a marriage. It's being in a partnership. That's being in a business arrangement, friend arrangements, all that. You said you would fill in the blank. You did not do that thing. That is accountability. And in marriages, sounds paternal or maternal, however you want to say it, there is consequences. We said we were not going to have a house where alcohol played a predominant role. I continue. I will not fill in the blank. If you come home drunk. If you continue to drink, you are continuing to drink. So the consequences. I am going to fill in the blank. What most people do is they sit there and say, you need to. You didn't, you didn't, you didn't, you didn't, you didn't. Why not? And what I want people to do is to begin to shift to here's what I'm going to do next because we made an arrangement and only one of us is upholding our end of the bargain. So that's the best I can tell you. It's kind of mushy. I don't know. Kelly, do you have any ideas? No, I think he did a good job of that. You hold me accountable all the time. Actually, you're like my mom too though. That's fine, thanks. I mean, like you get mad at me and scold me and stuff like that. Do you remember what your mom said to me the first time I ever met her? No. Standing out in the hallway out here literally the first time and shook hands. Nice to meet you. And she said I am so sorry and pointed to you and she said I did the best I could with what I had. See, that's probably a bad example. Love you guys. By.