My Boyfriend Is Not Good in Bed (Should I Tell Him?)

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: “My Boyfriend Is Not Good In Bed (Should I Tell Him?)”
Date: October 15, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (A)
Network: Ramsey Network

Brief Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives into candid relationship advice surrounding difficult and vulnerable conversations. Dr. Delony addresses issues like communicating sexual dissatisfaction with a partner, generational patterns of people-pleasing, marital conflict, and balancing personal, relational, and financial values. Through live caller questions, Dr. Delony encourages honest dialogue and healthy frameworks, emphasizing the value of open communication over perfection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. How Do I Tell My Boyfriend Our Sex Life Isn’t Working?

Caller: Delaney from Orlando
Topic Starts: [01:38]
Main Themes:

• Difficulty expressing dissatisfaction in the bedroom after 4+ years together
• Fear of hurting partner’s feelings and causing insecurity
• Patterns of covert communication extending beyond the bedroom into chores and emotional labor

Core Insights:

• Sexual fulfillment issues often signal deeper communication gaps, not just physiological disconnect.

• Dr. Delony reframes the caller's concern:

  “Let’s take orgasm off the table... My bigger concern is after this many years—you’re about to get engaged—why don’t you feel able to speak truth in your relationship?” ([03:29])

• Unspoken needs appear elsewhere: Delaney feels overloaded with housework and wants more initiative from her partner, recognizing she often hopes he’ll “just know” what she wants ([04:07–07:24]).

• Dr. Delony guides Delaney to reflect on her lifelong people-pleasing tendencies rooted in childhood—particularly in relation to her mother relying on her for emotional support, conditioning her to “walk on eggshells” ([08:03–09:47]).

Memorable Exchange:

• Dr. Delony:

  “An adult friendship was way too much for a nine-year-old to carry. And that should never have been your job.” ([09:36])

2. The Myth of the Mind-Reading Partner

Segments: [10:02–15:37]
Discussion Points:

• Delaney’s expectation that love means “being known” without having to ask.

• Dr. Delony busts the Hollywood myth of intuitive, telepathic partners.

  “‘Mind reading isn’t love. The scariest thing for your nervous system is to give him a roadmap to love you, and pray he follows it.’” ([12:00])

• Practical advice: Instead of aiming for unspoken understanding, couples must openly articulate needs and desires—whether about chores or in the bedroom.

Dr. Delony’s Story:

• Shares his own marriage experience: not knowing his wife wanted daily kitchen cleaning because his upbringing set different “normal” expectations ([14:07]).

3. Creating a Framework for Difficult Conversations

Segment Start: [15:37]
Key Takeaways:

• Before wedding planning, establish a practice of “regular, honest check-ins” about topics like calendars, sex, money, and emotional needs ([15:38]).
• Focus on inviting conversation, not accusing or shaming.

Actionable Advice to Delaney:

• Initiate a weekly dialogue where both partners can discuss how to support and love each other better.
• Approach sensitive topics as “invitations, not accusations” ([16:48]).

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. Delony, on communication gaps:

  “The crack that’s in the foundation right now will become a huge gulf...if you aren’t able to have those conversations.” ([04:51])

• Dr. Delony, on love and direction:

  “Mind reading isn’t love. The scariest thing for you is to give him a roadmap and then pray he follows it.” ([12:00])

• Dr. Delony, on values:

  “The greatest gift is when I found out, ‘Oh, you’re cleaning the kitchen every night because there’s this thing in your spirit’—I’ll do that. But it started with, ‘Hey, this is of value to me.’” ([14:31])

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4. Boundaries, Trust, and Family Conflict

Caller: Rick from Louisiana
Topic Starts: [19:35]
Situation: Rick’s wife is angry because his parents requested prayer for her surgery without her consent, feeling their trust was broken. She issues a “me or your parents” ultimatum ([29:19]).

Core Insights:

• The incident likely signals “something deeper”—possibly built-up resentment, anxiety, or late-life emotional struggles, not just hurt feelings about a prayer request.
• Dr. Delony encourages Rick not to “solve the reality,” but to open a heartfelt, listening-focused conversation:

  “Trying to solve the reality of this situation isn’t where I would start...I have completely missed this. Please, please tell me what’s going on in your spirit.” ([30:44])

Advice:

• Escalation to divorce over this incident may indicate depression, profound unhappiness, or other underlying issues.
• Seek professional counseling if possible, and frame discussions with openness and genuine curiosity.

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5. When Values Clash With Financial Reality

Caller: Marie from South Carolina
Topic Starts: [36:30]
Situation: After a $40k pay cut to move closer to family, Marie and her husband struggle with financial strain, conflicting with their desire for family time and ministry ([37:12–44:04]).

Core Insights:

• Competing “wants” (job satisfaction, staying home with a special-needs baby, serving community, financial security) often create unsustainable pressure.
• Dr. Delony reframes the dilemma:

  “You have a lot of competing wants that don’t work mathematically. That is a recipe for being emotionally and mentally exhausted.” ([42:10])

Advice:

• Take a half-day retreat together and literally “put all the options on the table”—from moving states to changing careers ([47:27]).
• Ask: “Who do we want to be in five years, and what do we need to start doing right now to get there?”
• There is no perfect, static solution—marriages require ongoing renegotiation and teamwork as life changes ([48:59]).

Encouragement:

• “You, my sister, are a good mom. Your husband sounds like an amazing guy...Let’s clear the deck, completely exhale, and decide together.” ([49:45])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Main Call with Delaney (Sexual fulfillment & communication): [01:38] – [16:58]
• Rick’s Family Conflict & Boundaries: [19:35] – [32:57]
• Marie’s Finances vs. Family Values Dilemma: [36:30] – [49:47]

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Podcast Tone & Language

Dr. Delony’s tone is empathetic, direct, and down-to-earth—demystifying heavy topics with warmth and wit (e.g., clever metaphors, pop culture references). He is transparent about his own imperfections and focused on realistic, actionable advice rather than easy fixes. Callers are treated with respect, their vulnerabilities honored, and their dilemmas reframed with both compassion and clarity.

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Summary Takeaways

• Honest, proactive communication is far more important than “fixing” a specific problem, especially in marriage.
• Unspoken needs and people-pleasing typically have deeper roots, often from childhood emotional dynamics.
• Rather than seeking perfection or mind-reading, couples should co-create frameworks for regular, judgment-free conversation.
• When facing tough values/money choices, put everything on the table, re-evaluate roles, dreams, and priorities together, and embrace adaptation.

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For more details, advice, or to call in with your question, visit Dr. John Delony at JohnDelony.com/ask.

Transcript

[A]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage. Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[B]

How do I talk to my boyfriend about being unhappy with our sex life? We've got a really great relationship. Everything is perfect. But I have a hard getting across the finish line.

[A]

So let's take orgasm off the table. My bigger concern for you is.

[C]

What.

[A]

In the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls about your mental and emotional health and your relationships the last two plus decades now. I mean, for a long time now, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move when the wheels fall off. And you're just trying to figure out, how do I have this next conversation? How do I have this next challenging call out? How do I get about changing my relationships? Whatever you got going on in your life, how do I sit down and help my hurting kids? Whatever it is, I'll sit here with you and we'll figure out what's the Next right move. JohnDelony.com Ask if you want to be on the show. We get calls and letters from all over the planet and I'd love to have you on the show. JohnDelony.com ask. Let's go out to Orlando, Florida and talk to Delaney. Hey, Delaney, what's up?

[B]

Hi, Dr. John.

[D]

How are you?

[A]

I'm great. How are you?

[B]

Good, good. So my main question is, how do I talk to my boyfriend about being unhappy with our sex life? So we've got a really great relationship. Everything is perfect. We're about to get engaged, but I have a hard time getting across the finish line, if you will. And I don't think he knows, and I don't know how to talk to him about it without hurting him and making him feel insecure.

[A]

So would it be fair if I told you that your relationship is not great and wonderful and perfect? Except for this?

[B]

I mean, I don't think any relationship is actually perfect. So I. Yeah, that would be fair.

[A]

So let's take. Let's take orgasm off the table and let's take bedroom concerns off the table. Okay? Because I think those tend to. There. That's all anybody wants to think about or talk about. And for some reason, it's become like the lone barometer of our relationships. My bigger concern for you is how long have you been together with this guy?

[B]

Four years.

[A]

Four years. So four years. Almost half A decade. You're about to get engaged, you said yes.

[B]

He already has the room.

[A]

Oh, he's already got it. How'd you find out? Did y' all do it together?

[B]

Well, he took me ring shopping, but I accidentally saw the ring camera the box get delivered.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

He doesn't know that I know.

[A]

Oh, ring cameras have ruined everything. You can't wrap houses anymore. You can't do anything.

[B]

I didn't even want to know. It was totally just an accident.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, here's my bigger concern. After this many years together, after y' all are planning on spending the rest of your lives together. Yeah. There's a thing that matters to you, and you don't have an ability in the dynamic y' all have co created together to just speak truth out in your relationship. So my bigger question is, forget sex for a second. What's another place? And I guarantee you there's another place. What's another place where you kind of have to hedge what you feel or what you want or what you're thinking about because you don't want to hurt his feelings?

[B]

I feel like with most things, we're able to have a real, like, really good, honest conversation. I feel like sometimes when I, you know, I guess the biggest thing that comes up outside of the bedroom is, is I do so much of the work around the house, and so I want him to chip in more without me having to ask. But when I ask and I'm honest with him and tell him I'm feeling frustrated, he steps up. But he doesn't always take as much initiative as I wish he would.

[A]

Okay, tell me about your how y' all do money.

[D]

Good.

[B]

I mean, we're already set up. I know it's actually probably unwise, but we're already approaching it as like a married couple where we have a combined account and we do all of our bills together, we plan out our spending, we budget. Like, that's all super, super healthy.

[A]

Okay. So, yeah, I wouldn't do that with my boyfriend. But you didn't call for that, so it's all good. So I think really quickly, like this weekend, you have to put not the bedroom stuff, not the mental loath, not the helping around the house stuff on the table. What needs to be on the table is, do we have a roadmap for when one of us feels. And feelings don't always tell the truth, but one of us feels something, one of us wants something. How do we have a language where we can put that on the table and the other person won't immediately fight us, won't immediately run from us, won't immediately try to people please us and be like, it's cool, it's cool, it's cool. Okay, okay, cool, cool, cool, cool. I'll do it, I'll do it. But we can actually have a conversation where two adults stay present. And that to me is the bigger deal because this is going to be symptomatic of one day y' all are going to buy a house together. One day you all are going to have kids together. One day you're going to, he's going to say, come home one day and be like, hey, I want to go to church. You'll be like, I don't want to, or I want to go to my parents house for Christmas. You'd be like, well, kind of. My family does this for Christmas. And if you aren't able to have those conversations, it will, the, the crack that's in the foundation right now will become a huge gulf. And so I, I, I, I'm, I have a working hypothesis that I'm not ready to stamp into concrete yet, but my working hypothesis is you get two triggers. You get to bail once on a hard conversation or quote, unquote, you get to have your feelings hurt, as you said. And the second time you get to feel it really big and back up again. And then after that, he's got to decide I need to either a stay present when I'm feeling ashamed or feeling embarrassed about a hard conversation, or I got to go sit with a professional and figure out why my body keeps trying to protect me in this way from somebody that I'm about to spend the rest of my life with. And he's not on the phone with us, so I'll just talk to you. Are you in the habit of hoping he will be a good mind reader about chores, about what you quote, unquote, want the house to look like or feel like, or what you want your bedroom experience to be like.

[B]

Sometimes.

[A]

Yeah, tell me about that.

[B]

I feel like just in my whole world, not just with him, but in general, I am always so worried about taking care of other people and making sure everyone else is happy and, you know, whatever they need is taken care of. But sometimes I want him to just take care of me without me having to ask or, you know, and he does in a lot of ways. But sometimes I like, he doesn't always think about things the way I would. And sometimes I expect that, even though.

[D]

I know that's not fair.

[A]

And how long have you been doing that for other people since you were a little girl.

[B]

Oh, yeah, for sure.

[A]

Tell me about that. Who in your house were you responsible for making sure they were okay?

[B]

Definitely my parents, for sure.

[A]

Tell me about that.

[B]

Well, I mean, like with my mom, she is, you know, we have a very close relationship, but she's definitely one of those people who looks at her kids as friends and not necessarily as a, you know, she's not. She's never been a very strong, like, authority figure and she always leaned a lot on me for emotional support. And I definitely learned as a kid, like, the way to avoid outbursts or like adult temper tantrums was to make sure she was happy and she got what she wanted or needed.

[A]

I want to pause right there. Are your shoulders getting up by your ears right now?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah. I want you to take a huge deep breath as deep as you can and hold it for three, two, and at one, I want you to pull your shoulders all the way down. I don't want you to hear me as directly as you can, but while I'm saying this, I want you to close your eyes and picture you as a nine year old little girl in a tiny little blue dress. Okay.

[D]

Mm.

[A]

An adult friendship was way too much for a nine year old to carry. And that should never have been your job.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And you walking around on eggshells trying to prevent the next grown up temper tantrum was never or should never have been a nine year old's job.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And you might be really close to your mom and this is a pretty mean analogy, but one of the safest places for a professional boxer to be when they're fighting is as close as possible to their opponent because it minimizes the impact of a punch. And so often we get really close to those who might hurt us because it's. The damage is less when they don't have full range of motion to just let it rip, whether that's physically or emotionally. And a lot of times adults have, quote, unquote, really close relationships with their parents. They're not actually close because they're intertwined and they're. They are in full support of each other. It's just the safest place to be. So nobody gets hurt. And that is heartbreaking.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And then we. If you take that and you just fill your whole life with great romantic movies and Instagram comments, it can be a way. And here's what I mean by that. When everything in Hollywood, and I'm just using Hollywood as a big catch all for stories and media and feel good Movies, etc. It can be the sense that somewhere, somebody sees me through all of my performing and they'll just quote, unquote, know me and they will know the next right thing for me. And that feels like what love is supposed to feel like. And here's the. Here's what's going to happen. Okay, I don't want to project this into your world, but I want to, like, give you a cautionary tale. You're going to marry this guy and you're going to probably lean in and say, hey, try this particular move in the bedroom. I really wish you would X and or when it comes to, I really wish on Tuesdays and Thursdays you would just look in the dishwasher and do that stuff. And he'll go, got it. Because, by the way, boys are often socialized that every feeling and every thought they have is wrong and they just need to be told what to do because if they do anything, they hurt everybody in their path. And so he's just going to sit there and wait for something he can have a purpose in. And you're going to tell him and he's going to go, okay, okay, got it, got it, got it. And you're still not going to get that emotional connection. And he's going to just keep playing whack a mole with how you feel and how you want. And then someday, somebody at the office is going to tell you, dude, you look amazing today, or they're going to bring you a cup of coffee made just the way you want it because they saw how you got your. Ordered your coffee once at a business trip and you are going to feel like that's love. Like you're finally seen and known. And so in two fell swoops, I need you to hear me say this. Number one, what happened to you as a kid is not right, and I'm so sorry it happened. And two, mind reading isn't love. The scariest thing for you to do for your nervous system is to give him a roadmap on how you can be loved, feel loved, be seen, be known, and then pray to God he follows it. And for him to give you a road map on how he would love to be loved, how he wants to be loved, and you follow that. And so I'm way less concerned about, like, the bedroom stuff. Y' all can figure that out because that can be mechanical. And if y' all are together and able to have like, oh, my gosh, try this. I wish you did this. Like, man, then it can be hilarious. It can be it can be play. It can be a place to escape. But you have to get the ability to say, I want X, Y, or Z. I want your help around here. Here's a good example about the dishes. In my house, I would never do the dishes until there was none left in the cabinet. I would eat cereal out of a salad bowl. Right? Because it doesn't occur to me. And for years, my wife walked around feeling like I didn't care. I. She was carrying this mental load that I didn't even know existed and exactly how.

[B]

How I feel.

[D]

But.

[A]

But for her, she had a picture of what a wife, quote, unquote, did and what a wife's or home's kitchen looked like. And she had this mental load that I didn't expect of her. It never would have even occurred to me. And so it ended up being this burden that she carried. And then I didn't co carry. I didn't even know it existed. And so the greatest gift is when I found out, oh, you're cleaning the kitchen every night because there's this thing in your spirit, dude, I'll do. I'll do that. That's easy. But at the same time, it wasn't a character defect that I wasn't helping because in my world, I didn't need to help until we literally had no other dishes in the house. And then, man, I'll just knock them out over a couple hours on a Saturday morning once a month, and then we'll figure, right, we'll go from there. But it started with, hey, this is of value to me. And those conversations, getting a framework for how to have those conversations is way more important than the actual mechanical stuff that we're trying to solve. Do you get what I'm saying?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And so I think the best path forward is after he asks you to marry him, which I guess is coming because you cheated and looked, is to say, okay, yes. And then the following weekend or two weekends later, before you start the wedding planning, before you start all of that, I think you putting on the table, I've been a people pleaser my whole life, and you're an amazing man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. And we have a big communication gap, and that is, I never want to hurt your feelings. And I bottle up, bottle up, bottle up. And then I just say it all at once. And you feel like I'm shaming you. You feel like I'm beating you up and you shirk away. And I want to solve that problem right now, which is I want us to get into a regular habit once a week of talking about our calendars, our sex life, our money, our plans for the week, how we can love each other. This week. I want to get in a regular practice. And then I also want us to both get in a regular practice of not fighting or fleeing, not going to trauma responses, because he probably had a world where he better get out of the way. And those people usually marry each other, right?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And so let's solve for that. And then he knows if you bring up something in the bedroom, it's an invitation, it's not an accusation.

[B]

Gotcha.

[A]

That's where I would start, Delaney. And then when it gets to the actual mechanics of, hey, here's a thing I really want to try in bed, here's a way that I want you to. I. I want to feel loved in the bedroom. And those conversations get much, much less. You can approach those with curiosity, not with judgment. And it makes a fun, fun adventure for people to, to go, go on and do their life with. Thanks for the call, Delaney. When we come back, a man asks how to handle his wife's reaction to a prayer request. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. I have great friends, a strong faith, I've got an amazing wife and family, and I've got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well. And yet it's been the critically important times, and there have been several over the years, incredibly important times that I've spent with a great therapist that have actually made all the difference for me. The right therapist can change everything for you and your mental and emotional and relational health. And this month, my friends at Better Help are shining the spotlight on on therapists. These are people who truly make the world a better place. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider in the world. And they've served over 5 million people globally and over 1.7 million client reviews in an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. This is evidence that BetterHelp works. And BetterHelp is totally online, so it's easy to fit into your schedule. To get started, you just answer a few simple questions and they're going to connect, connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. This month, we celebrate the therapists who've helped millions of people take a step forward towards being well. If you're ready to find the right therapist for you, Betterhelp can help you start on that journey. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better. Help H E L p.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Hey, take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. Hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're watching this, like a highlight reel or a clip. If you'll just take a second, hit the subscribe button. Or if you're listening to this on podcast, hit the subscribe button. Share the episode. It makes such a huge difference for everybody, and it doesn't cost you anything but a couple of seconds of your time. Let's go out to Alexandria, Louisiana and talk to Rick. What's up, Rick?

[C]

Hey, thank you for taking my call, Dr. Lonnie.

[A]

You got it, brother. What's up, man?

[C]

So let me set the scene here a little bit. My wife, my wife and I have been married for 39 years. We live in a rural area and we leave about probably a quarter mile from my parents. We're getting on up in age now. So that's kind of the, that dynamic, I guess. We're fairly close. We go down, you know, once a week. We'll see mom and Dad. I may see them, you know, during the week sometime, but other than that kind of, you know, it's not super, super close. My wife recently had a fall and she had surgery on her shoulder to repair that. She is super sensitive to that kind of information. And really she doesn't like people talking about her medical stuff. It's almost like she's got, I don't know if there's a word for it, but when she goes to see a doctor, there's lots of anxieties and what have you.

[A]

So what's the anxiety? Is it about people finding out she's weak or is it about she have health anxiety? She scrolled the news and did covet scare her to death?

[C]

No, it's nothing like that. Just when she goes into a doctor's office, she completely like, I wouldn't say freezes up, but she has difficulties dealing with medical professionals, whether it be doctors or dentists or any of that kind of stuff.

[A]

Has she gotten burned before?

[C]

You know, that since we've been married? Not that I'm aware of. You know, nothing, nothing bad has happened that I'm aware of. So. Okay, maybe, maybe it was something earlier on. I'm. I'm not sure.

[A]

I had a root canal at the age of two and I still hate Going to the dentist to this day.

[C]

Yeah, maybe.

[A]

Maybe. Who knows, man? But who knows? Okay. So, yeah, she. She has a. She has a phobia, if you will, to use a clinical term, about anything medical related. Okay.

[C]

I would say so. Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And so she wanted to. What she. We knew about the surgery was coming, and she said, I want to wait till we're right before the surgery before I tell your mom and dad. I said, okay. And so we did that. And of course, you know, my mom and dad had all kind of different questions, and she said, I just don't want to talk about it. Said, I. This is. I'm just letting you know we're gonna be having surgery next week to repair my shoulder. It'll all be good. We rock along, have the surgery. Then about a week or two later, I walk in the kitchen, and she's just glaring at me. She said, they've done it. She said, they've requested. I've got a message on Facebook from somebody in the church that asked me how I'm doing. I said, I doing fine. I guess the more she gets into it, what she finds out is it at their local church, they requested a prayer for her, and she said, I hate that they did that. I'm just. I'm so angry. And so I'm trying to gather all this together, trying to figure out, well, is this really a bad thing? You know, and the more it rocks along and in the following couple of weeks or so, she just gets to a point where she has to go talk to him. It doesn't go well. She's. You know, she's. She states stuff like, they've broken my trust. You know, I really. I can't trust them with anything anymore. And that's happened, like, a couple of months ago. And it's not like this is wearing off. It's where it is. And so I'm still trying to, you know, and she had the surgery and had all the medicine. I said, well, maybe it's something to do with some of the stuff she's taken. But she still. She says, you can go down there. That's fine, but I will not go. I am done. And it's really kind of taken me aback, and I've. I've yet to. To really sit down and, you know, tell her what I really think. And. And that's my problem.

[A]

Is this. That a character for her? Is this kind of been the way she's operated for your. The four decades you all been together?

[C]

You know, it's really been. It's not. I would say it's a little out of character. I've seen some changes over the past two to three years where she's gotten a little. A little more combative about those things, it seems like. But, you know, to me, this is like, okay, if you're upset, you talk to them, you say, sorry, and it's all done. And then you go on about your business. You know, no big deal is in my mind is the way it works. But not so for her.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I. There's so much going through my mind here. Everything from, gosh, I'm gonna get myself lit up on the Internet here. I. Everything from menopause to aging challenges to an increasing anxiety to who knows, anything going on. If there's an out of character switch at this age, it can be a number of things, and it can also be just a straw that broke the camel's back. I haven't liked your parents. I haven't wanted to be around your parents. They live too close to us. I feel like they're running our lives. I feel like they've always run your life. Like, it can be that kind of thing, right? I guess what I would tell you is on its face as you're describing it to me, and I say this with all due respect, it doesn't sound rational. Okay. It. You're not going to find a math problem here to solve. And I think for it sounds like you are trying to just dig in and say, okay, what am I missing here? What am I missing here? What am I missing here?

[C]

Right.

[A]

I guess on its face, somebody wanted to love somebody and they offered a prayer request at their tiny little church here in rural Louisiana, and somebody Facebooked it. There seems to be something else going on here and that's beneath all of this. And the only thing I can tell you is trying to solve the reality of this situation isn't where I would start. It would be taking your wife out of your house, if possible. That might not be even be possible right now. But taking her to getting out her. Getting her out of that environment and taking her to a place like a diner or to breakfast, or y' all go sit out at a park somewhere in some rural park somewhere, and you just exhale and you tell her, I'm trying to love you the best I can. And I can't put my finger on what the big trust violation is. Because your parents, what are they in their 80s?

[C]

They are. They're in their 80s.

[A]

Okay. Why they have such control over her. Why is she outsourcing how she feels and her sense of self to these 80 year olds at their tiny little rural church out here in the middle of nowhere.

[C]

Yeah. Because. Because to me, for me, and she's not like this, but for me, I could care less what other people think about me.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

That problem.

[A]

I know, but that's going to get you into trouble because you're going to take that lens and try to put those glasses on her and she's telling you it does matter to me and I think that's important. But I'd want to get to the deeper sins here because she feels something core in her being was violated.

[C]

Yeah. She really does.

[A]

Yeah. And so I, I would, I would approach it and you may have been a problem solver your whole marriage. Like probably if she was somebody who said my boss was mean, you're like, well, I'm going to call him. Or you need to tell him. That might have been your mo. Your whole marriage. This is a chance to do something a little bit different. And I would also start with that conversation. Hey, honey, I have tried to love you by fighting your battles and telling you what to say. You're our whole marriage. And I've been, I've been out of line on that. You're smart and beautiful and wonderful. I am missing the boat here. And I need you to. I want to dig deep because I'm hearing a couple of elderly folks at a rural place prayed for their daughter in law. They tried to. Which I always take a prayer like that as there is gossip prayer. And you know that. Like, you know, at rural. Especially a small rural church. It happens at every church. But like I want to pray for Janet because she's gotten a little, A little, A little whorish these days. Like. Right. So you can hide prayer requests into gossip. Right. I'm not getting a sense that's what this is.

[C]

No, it's not.

[A]

And so asking open handed. Honey, I don't know how to love you right now. And I can't put the pieces together. There's something beneath this. Tell me about this anger and this rage.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you might at the end of the day have a decision to make, which is am I gonna not see my mom and dad or are you gonna tell your mom and dad? Mom and dad. I. I'm gonna keep seeing you once a week. Y' all are my parents. I love you. I honestly in my heart don't know why my wife is so upset. I don't. I just don't. Is she drawing ultimatums for you?

[C]

Right now, she. Well, that was the last piece she did tell me. I came in from work and she said, look, I've been thinking about this all day and you really, you, you gotta pick. It's either me or your parents. And I'm like, whoa. And that's.

[A]

Hold up. Yeah, that's that one.

[C]

Yeah. So how old are you, Rick? I'm 60.

[A]

60?

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Oh, man. Does she work outside of the home?

[C]

She does. She's got a little business that does a little bit, but that's one of my. Really. And another one of my fears is, so, okay, what happens? And, and I call her bluff on the ultimatum and she leaves or attempts to leave, man, I don't know. I'm gonna have to support her. You know, I just feel. I, you know, I've made the vows. It's. It's not, you know, it's. It's really not in me to say, you know, you know, you go do your thing, I'll do. Do my thing.

[A]

No, this is a much deeper thing. She's threatening divorce now.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

And that's a much deeper issue, right? Yep. And, yeah, man, if you could, I know rural care is really tough to come by sometimes, but if y' all lived anywhere other than rural Louisiana, I would tell you, you need to find somebody that y' all can go sit with because this is inside her spirit in a way that is really. I, I don't know that you can manage on your own.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But I would definitely start with a hard conversation which. Very open handed. I have completely missed this. And I've been trying to love you by figuring stuff out, and that's not the right way to, to love you right now. I just want to hear you. I, I don't see it. I'm missing something and I, I can't understand how a prayer request is leading to you giving me a divorce ultimatum. And after fifth, after 40 years of marriage together. What's going on, honey?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. Is there other things in your life that have been building.

[C]

You know, not, not really. I have, you know, like I say, I've noticed a little bit of different behavior since I've, I've. I'm retired. I'm semi retired now. And so just being around her, you know, a little more, a little more irritation about some things, but there's been nothing that's been blatantly like, oh, yeah, you know, this is about to go down.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

This, this was just.

[A]

In a perfect world, y' all start, you'll have what I think can be one of the scariest and one of the most coming together conversations a couple can have, which is, hey, we get to plan our fourth quarter. Statistically speaking, we're heading into the fourth quarter of our life, the last quarter. What do we want this to look like in terms of laughter, in terms of vacations, in terms of play? We've retired or we're kind of retired. How do we make meaning of the last statistically the last 15 years. But reality probably lost 20, 25 or 30 years of our life. What do we want that to look like? And my parents are going to be around five, ten more years, right? What do we want this to look like? But I don't even know if you're there and I don't know if, man, if she's just sitting at home on Facebook just getting madder, madder, if the stress of the world is sitting on her, if she's been mad at you for 20 years and you being home all the time is just seeing you is just. I don't know, man. And I don't know that you're going to quote, unquote, figure that out. Like you might figure out what's wrong with your car engineering.

[C]

Gotcha.

[A]

And so the only thing I could tell you is to start with an open handed. I've said this three or four times and I apologize for repeating myself, but an open handed. I don't know how to love you right now and you've put me in a position where either you're going to divorce me or I'm not going to continue to care for my 80 plus year old parents over a prayer request. I'm missing something here. Please, please tell me what's going on in your spirit. Do you not like where we live? Do you not like the life that we've co created? Are you scared about the fourth quarter? It can't just simply be because of this. And maybe she'll write you a letter and read it to you. Maybe she'll just be open and vomit. Give her permission to vomit and then tell her I'm not going to respond at this breakfast. I just want to hear from you because something big is going on inside her soul. Thanks for the call, man. I wish I could give you more concrete stuff if she wants to call in. I'd love to talk to her and hear her side of this. But yeah, on its face there's not a. And I say rational, that sounds like I'm, I'm. She's irrational. It's not what I mean. But there's not an A plus B equals C. Right? It's not that she went to them and said, hey, I'm about to have the surgery. I'm very, very private. You guys are very religious and prayerful. I'm going to ask that you keep this private. And they were like, ah, screw you, we're doing this. That's. It doesn't seem that's what's happened. It seems that she is dealing with some deep and profound unhappiness, sadness, depression, whatever you want to call it. And man, she's ready to burn everything to the ground. And before that happens, man. Yeah, just open your hands and say, how can I love you right the second. Not right the second in this season because there's something big or going on. We come back, a woman asks, how can she earn more money without sacrificing her value? We'll be right back. I love poncho shirts. I love them. And as the mornings are getting cooler and cooler, heading into the winter, I get to pull out my favorite poncho shirts. The comfortable performance denims and flannels. Poncho's performance denim has that soft, broken in feel. I'm wearing one right now. It feels like you've worn it a hundred times, but it still looks really good. I wear them to dress up events, I wear them on stages. I wear them on this show. It's got a touch of stretch, so it moves with you, not against you. I love it. And poncho flannels, you can get them in original or western styles, and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. I love them. They're medium weight, yet somehow they're both durable and comfortable. They keep me warm without overheating, and they're perfect for layering. Poncho shirts are built for real life. They wick away sweat, they dry fast, and they keep you warm. I don't know what kind of voodoo they're running over there, but these shirts are incredible and they hold up to whatever your day throws at you. They come in slim or regular fit so you can look nice wherever you happen to find yourself this fall. Look sharp and stay warm in poncho denims and flannels. Head to ponchooutdoors.com deloney and get 10 bucks off your first order. When you sign up with your email, check out a few of my favorite shirts like the Laramy and the Matamoros. Again, that's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney Greenville, South Carolina let's talk to Dear Marie. What's up, Marie?

[D]

Good morning, Dr. John. How are you?

[A]

I'm remarkable. How are you?

[D]

Just fantastic.

[A]

Awesome. What's up?

[D]

So I have a question, and it's kind of a two part thing in the sense of the general being, how do we earn extra income without really compromising our family values and priorities? But essentially the question that I really want answered is, are we in a situation where we just, like, need to accept where we are, that this is just a season, we need to tough it out, or are we setting ourselves up for an unwise future financial situation?

[A]

Ooh, I like this question. That's a great question. All right, tell me about your financial situation and then tell me about these values you're running up against.

[D]

Sure. So I'm a pediatric nurse. My husband is an elementary teacher. We have no debt at all, thank the Lord. But we moved to South Carolina two years ago, so we took a $40,000 pay cut and we had a baby boy this past year, but he's a NICU baby, so he's born three months early. So we've had a lot of just financial upheaval with all his expenses and me not being able to work. And I don't want anyone else to raise my baby boy. I want to be home and take care of him. But right now, with his expenses and everything, my husband is an amazing man. Just love him to the moon and back. And he's working like crazy to help provide for us. Working at school and then coaching in the evenings and working on the weekends. But it just isn't adding up to what we need to pay for things. So we really want to prioritize our family time together. We want, like our marriage to be strong, our boy to see a good godly man in his life more often to serve in our church and community. So we're just trying to figure out how do we make the ends meet in that way.

[A]

Tell me about your math problem that you're running up against.

[B]

Well, I used to be able to work more.

[D]

I can certainly make more money in just working a few hours a day, which I am working one to two mornings a week than my husband could make working seven nights a week because just a minimum wage job is what he would be able to do at the moment.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

I almost feel kind of guilty in a way to not be able to help. But I also know just my son is my number one priority.

[A]

Yeah. So tell me before I just start answering questions, tell me what question I can help you with because there's a lot here, right?

[D]

I'M just trying to see. My husband has his dream job and I, I don't want him to have to give that up. But I also know that I'm a very factual person. And we're spending, we're dipping more into our savings than what we're spending. And we are very frugal. We do not, we're not spenders at all. But just because of what we have to do to help our son to get what he needs medically, we, it just isn't mapping the math. So we're just trying to figure out what, is there something else I could do or is there something that, you know, maybe we just have to really dig down deep and tough it out for a couple of years and maybe.

[B]

It'Ll get better, or are we just.

[D]

Setting ourselves up for this is just how it's going to be and something more drastic, I guess, needs to happen.

[A]

So, yeah, you've boxed yourself into a really tight corner. Okay, so here's what I'm hearing and tell me if I'm missing anything. Okay?

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Number one, any sort of child care for a young baby, especially a baby that scared you to death, right? In your mind, is somebody else raising my baby? That's number one. Number two, I'm sitting on the ability to just literally walk out my front door and triple our family's income. And I don't want to right now. Number three, my husband's in his dream job, but unfortunately, that dream job doesn't pay anything. And I was a teacher myself. I, I've been there. And I don't want him to give up his dream job to go sit in a, in a cubicle somewhere doing insurance forms so that we have the money to do what I want to do. Number four, to do these other things, he has to do his dream job. But that also means he has to go work two or three minimum wage jobs just to keep the lights on. And I want my son to see his dad present at home, laughing, full of joy, not just walking home and collapsing. And I want to see him as a leader in these civic places. I want to see him coach in the little league team. I want to see him see his dad helping around a church, like whatever the things are. And so I hear a lot of wants anchored into these elusive quote unquote values. And so to answer your big overarching question, you have a lot of competing wants that don't work mathematically.

[D]

Right?

[A]

And that is, that is a recipe for being emotionally and mentally exhausted and unwell and ultimately burned Out.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And that's like for every mental health diagnostic, for every emotional health challenge, a therapist is going to try to get you to this first place, which is choosing reality. You have a fear of flying, yet your job requires that you fly. Reality says get a new job or we're going to do some exposure therapy and we're going to get you to a place where you can get on an airplane. That's your two choices.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And so for you, backing all the way up and asking beneath my wants, because I want all of these things, they're just not possible. Right?

[D]

Right.

[A]

What is the world me and my husband are trying to co create together? And most of the time, not always there's outliers in everything. But most couples most of the time are trying to get the right car, trying to get quote unquote dream jobs, trying to get the right house, in search of this elusive, terrifyingly hard to nail down thing, especially in the modern world, called peace. What does peace feel like in our home? And most of the time, achieving peace takes discomfort in some level. Whether that's you working three half days a week or you working two full days a week, or your husband stopping being a teacher and taking an administrative track so he can triple his salary or whatever those things are so that we can both come home and be so happy that we're at our safe place that we've co created together. And then when our marriage is good and we're not worried about the water getting shut off, our child's nervous system has peace.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

You get what I'm saying.

[D]

We're not, we're not to the extent where like we're.

[A]

I know I'm being, I'm being overdramatic about cutting off water. I, I get that. But. But here's the thing. It can feel like I want this kind of minivan because we have a car seat, I want this kind of house and we need to have a guest room because three times a year I want my parents to come visit. All of these things are really nice luxuries. And so it's getting beneath this want thing and saying who, who do we want to be as an identity question and then letting the things go from there. You have a lot of competing wants. You had this picture of what you thought motherhood was going to look like and more importantly feel like, and it's not adding up. And I'll also tell you, you've entered into the American industrial mom guilt complex. And I will tell you there's not a way out of that, by the way, if you're staying at home, you should be working. And if you're working, you should be staying at home. And if you're not, like, have dinner on the table and wanting to sleep with your husband seven days a week, you're failing. And if you are, like, prioritizing you, you're failing. Like, there's trying to seek out that sensation of, ah, it's very hard to get to. Because the world that we all live in is designed for mothers to never feel content and peaceful. Because if you're content and peaceful, you don't buy as much crap. That's really the ultimate thing. Right. And so asking you, beneath all of those things that you want, who do y' all want to be from an identity standpoint?

[D]

Well, we are Christians, so our main.

[B]

Goal is just to serve the Lord.

[D]

In whatever we have been given and to just do what God has given us to the best of our ability. So we don't even need much. Like, we're not asking for much in terms of just financial things. Like, we don't care about stuff. We don't care about trips, we don't care about whatever. We just want to have a home that's safe for our son, to see a godly man and woman grow up in and for us to be present with him and to have people come into our lives that we can just minister to and to just have a joyful home. And that's what we have. But we just don't want to set ourselves up for something that causes more strife that we could foresee in the future. I know, like, my husband also has some opportunity to, like, get into administration, which is a thing, but it's a couple years down the road.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

So he would have to get his master's degree and those types of things. And we were well off in Ohio, where we came from, and we weren't in a difficult situation. Even if I wasn't working, we would have been perfectly fine. It's just living down here. The pay is significantly worse.

[A]

Why did you take a $40,000 pay cut to move to South Carolina to.

[D]

Be closer to family? Because we weren't near anybody. And it worked out great because of how difficult it was in the past year with our son. We needed a big, strong community, and that was more than what we could have asked for down here.

[A]

That's amazing. And so that's yet another want. You're trying to cram a lot of stuff into this picture.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

And your arms are getting really weary trying to Keep the frame together. There's too much stuff in this picture.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And so what I would tell you is this, it's a fun exercise. It can be a scary exercise. It can be filled with laughter and tears. And I've been through both of those seasons. Okay. When you and your husband get away for half a day and get one of the people in your support community to watch your son for half a day, and y' all get up early on a Saturday morning, at 6 o' clock in the morning, and y' all go get coffee together at one place and then you go get breakfast at another place and plan to do this till noon. And it's an emotional exercise. And if you want to be like a nerd, like, you know, your husband's a teacher, if he wants to write down on note cards all of these different things around. Family, dream job, want to stay home full time, also have a Peter Pediatric nurse certification. All these things. Want to make this much money. We want to be able to support and take care of strangers who walk into our front door. But that takes resources. That takes a certain size house, it takes a certain size amount of marginal money every month. Right? All these things are real. And by the way, wanting to go on vacation, wanting to have a car that starts every time you turn the key, that's not a unchristian desire. Okay. All of these things that we're putting out on the table and then literally sweep the table clean, a completely clear deck and look at each other in the eye, hold hands across the table and say, okay, we have a brand new marriage that we get to build together. We have a new son. Scary, scary season. Nicu. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Not being able to take your baby home and hug that baby, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And having to put your finger in a glove through, in that hot dog lamp. Right. Just like, just for some sort of connectivity and we're exhaling, we're coming out of that season and we get to decide what this looks like. And it may not be comfortable at first, but put every single variable back on the table. We can move back to Ohio, we can move to Kansas. We can move anywhere. We can work in any job we want to for two or three years. I can go be a full time nurse and my mom, who lives down the street, I'm making this up. Can watch our kid from this time to this time. And you take no extra jobs. And the moment the school bells out, you come home and husband, you make dinner for the next three years. And we're going to get this much financial margin so we can get this size house. So, right? So everything comes back on the table. And what I want you to look at is who do we want to be in five years, and what things do we need to start doing right this second so that in five years we are laughing when we walk in the front door? I want the values conversation. I want you and your husband asking that question. I want you all to do that together. And y' all shake hands and say, okay, for the next six months, we're all in. I'm going to take two classes. I am going to start working two days a week, and we're going to get some financial relief in this house. We're going to stop dipping into savings. We're going to consider that maybe this move to South Carolina was the single greatest thing we could have ever done for this year and a half or this two years. And to do all of the things that we feel called to do, that we want to do, we're going to need to move where it's more financially viable. And by the way, Marie, this conversation is happening in households all across the country. That's why there's just people moving all over the place. Because the dream of all these things inside one picture frame just isn't mathematically real. The world's gotten so stinking expensive just to get milk in, right? Just to get eggs in, much less buy a house, much less. All these other things, right? So we're going to put everything on the table. And then you might say, okay, move back to Ohio. And both of you look at each other and be like, no way. Cool. Throw that one in the trash. But at least we didn't leave anything unsaid. And we'll start from square one. And in five years, you're all going to look up, maybe he's a principal somewhere. Maybe you're working two or three days a week, or maybe you have three kids and you're a stay at home full time mom. And, and, and, and, and. But the key is we did it together. We built a map together and we followed that map. And we're going to get together, we're going to do it again, swipe the deck clean and say, where are we? I hate grad school. I want to be a classroom teacher. All right, honey, here's what's going to cost. It's going to cost me. I got to go back to work another day. That's three days a week. We all shake hands. All right? We're in and we're going to keep doing that over time. The lie is y' all are both going to get somewhere and it's going to be static and stable. It's just not going to you throw a special needs kid in or a kid with some medical challenges, a new baby after this, all that madness. This is going to keep coming and keep coming and keep coming. But you, my sister, are a good mom. You've done a great job. Your husband sounds like an amazing guy that's doing whatever he can do to be supportive. And it's real easy to get stuck on life's treadmill. Let's clear the deck, completely exhale, say, who do we want to be? Let's get off the treadmills and let's hold hands and head off into the woods together. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. All right, we're back. Let's go to a Money in Marriage Question. These are anonymous questions that were left at our Money and Marriage Retreat. Me and Rachel Cruz Host 1 in November. I think November sold out. But we do have tickets remaining for the February, the Valentine's Day weekend. So if you want to get a Christmas present and take care of Valentine's in one fell swoop, it's the best marriage retreat on the planet. I love it. And this year we have some awesome special guests. It's gonna be radio. So here's a Money and marriage question that somebody left in the anonymous question box at last year's Money in Marriage. I love my husband and my family. It makes me so sad that a few years ago some family members and my husband had a falling out. How do I help him understand that this tension breaks my heart and I need him to work on helping my entire family become whole again? I feel like my family is incomplete and torn. How do you help him understand this tension? You start with I statements and you tell your husband, I am heartbroken and I'm sad and I have no idea what caused this falling out. And he may have very plausible reasons for why he doesn't want to be around your family anymore. They may have been ugly and disrespectful or they may have gotten onto you one too many times. And he's not going to be around people who disrespect his wife. Like they, who knows? I have no idea why. But when you sit down at the table and you say, hey, you need to work on X, Y or Z, then you've just started a fight. If you sit down and say, hey, it's been a tough few years. I feel so torn up inside and I'm not whole and complete because I had this picture of my family and my husband and all of us being united, and we're not anymore. I want my family to come back together, and I'm powerless. I don't know what to do. And let him speak and let him talk. And it might be a matter of you having that exact same conversation with your family. The phrasing here, again, I just have no idea why there's a separation or why there's been this tension. But you letting your wants be felt, you letting your feelings be out on the table and giving him the courage, giving him the space and permission to be courageous and be honest and then ask him. I would like to know if there's a game plan for all of us coming back together. It might be a big family meeting. It might mean I'm just gonna start going to Christmas again. This will blow over. I don't know. Every family's different, but it's a matter of putting it all on the table and you believing I have a right to be heard. And I'm going to use I statements about how I'm feeling, how I'm experiencing things, and then we're going to go from there. And so hope that helps. Always using I statements of these kind of conversations is the way to go. And I hope you're able to come back together. This is. This is happening all across the countries to families all over the place. And my goodness, families, we need each other, regardless of how we vote, whether we have pets or not, whether we had one of those doodle creations that God never intended, but we have, like, whatever. Whatever's dividing us, man. We need our families to come back together. And often it starts with, I'm sorry, you're gonna go get something to eat. I hope we can come back together. Families love you guys. SP.