My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him
Date: March 2, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode centers on the hard realities of trust, betrayal, and boundaries within close relationships. Dr. John Delony takes calls from listeners wrestling with big life decisions: whether to proceed with a wedding after infidelity, how to set boundaries with demanding parents, and reconciling with family after painful betrayal. The show’s trademark is direct, compassionate conversation about mental health, relationships, and the choices that shape our lives.

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[00:05–16:51] Segment 1: My Fiancé Cheated but I Still Want to Marry Him

Caller: Anne (Name given in the transcript as "Jane"; called from Little Rock, AR)

Key Discussion Points

• Infidelity Discovery: Anne shares that she found messages from dating apps on a shared device two to three months into her engagement—evidence her fiancé was talking with other people prior to their engagement. She discovered this months after the fact, which created tension and fights.
• Conflicting Desires: Anne wants to proceed with the wedding due to money already spent. Her fiancé, feeling he has repented and moved on, suggests postponing the wedding until Anne has healed and can trust him again.
• Emotional Uncertainty: Dr. Delony probes Anne’s feelings, exploring whether her desire to keep the wedding is denial, pressure from embarrassment and deposits, or genuine forgiveness.
• Pathways Forward: Dr. Delony introduces "the third option"—not just enduring constant fear or jumping blindly back into the relationship, but intentionally working to rebuild trust with concrete steps and expectations.
• Rebuilding Trust: Anne is encouraged to create a “roadmap” for trust (e.g., phone access, checking messages, deleting social media) and to require specific behavioral changes from her fiancé as the condition for moving forward.
• The Necessity of Clarity: Dr. Delony stresses that feelings won’t resolve on their own—clarity, honesty, and direct action are required.

Notable Quotes

• On the weight of the event vs. the relationship:

  "If I'm honest with you, like, the event is way down my list of worries right now."
  — Dr. John Delony (02:57)

• On trust after betrayal:

  "There’s a third option there... what must be true for me to truly trust him again? And then you give him a very clear roadmap for him to follow, and he walks that path."
  — Dr. John Delony (04:48)

• On excuses vs. context:

  "Yeah, that’s not an excuse, it's a context. But I want to know what work he's going to do. Because y’all will be apart again in your marriage... There will be seasons of distance between the two of you, emotionally and physically."
  — Dr. John Delony (06:58)

• On healing after infidelity:

  "The feelings that you’re searching for, that you’re going to wake up one day and be like, oh, yeah, I can totally trust him again. Those aren’t going to come without a clear path."
  — Dr. John Delony (09:47)

Key Timestamped Moments

• [01:24] Anne details the timeline and discovery of infidelity
• [03:49] Dr. Delony asks if Anne still wants to marry her fiancé and probes the depth of her trust
• [04:48] Introduction of the “third option” to rebuild trust deliberately
• [06:58] Discussion of what “release” means and its implications for long-term fidelity
• [08:28] Dr. Delony calls out the fiancé’s narrative: "He’s not the victim here."
• [10:27] How waiting for feelings (“to wake up healed”) is not a realistic path

Summary:

Dr. Delony encourages making a clear-headed decision about proceeding with the wedding only if trust can be rebuilt through explicit, mutually agreed-upon practices—and not out of obligation to money or embarrassment. He emphasizes that forgiveness and trust require time, hard choices, and clear boundaries—not just wishful thinking or pressure to "move on."

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[16:52–34:31] Segment 2: Setting Boundaries with Demanding Parents

Caller: Jane (Chicago, IL)

Key Discussion Points

• Cultural Context & Burden: Jane, a first-generation immigrant, has long carried the load of translating, managing appointments, and being a default caretaker for her aging parents—now feeling pressured to remain indefinitely at the expense of her own life.
• Dr. Delony’s Reframe: He encourages Jane to switch from saying "they are making me" to "I am choosing…" to reclaim agency and recognize her own choices amid pressure.
• “Or What” Statements: Jane is coached to define her bottom line (e.g., will she let her parents move in, or not?) to clarify her boundaries.
• Dealing with Guilt: Dr. Delony shares a reframe from Dr. Becky Kennedy, explaining true guilt only arises when we violate our own values—not when we resist someone else’s unreasonable demands or anger.
• Batching Caretaking: A practical solution—consolidating errands and visits rather than being perpetually on call.

Notable Quotes

• On personal agency:

  "I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change a couple of words… Change it from 'they are making me' to 'I am choosing.'"
  — Dr. John Delony (18:54)

• On cultural weight and guilt:

  "Guilt is a very important... good emotion when you violate your values… What you’re doing is you’re taking his anger... shoving it into your chest and you’re calling that guilt."
  — Dr. John Delony (24:10, 24:38)

• On boundaries:

  "You get to decide, are you going to violate your own boundaries because you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable... or are you going to say, if he needs something, he'll call me, and then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not."
  — Dr. John Delony (22:34)

Key Timestamped Moments

• [17:13] Jane describes her family’s cultural expectations and the overwhelming demands
• [18:54] Dr. Delony reframes Jane’s language about obligation
• [23:40] The redefinition of guilt and emotional entanglement
• [26:54] Dr. Delony’s two-pronged exercise: define the “or what” and batch caretaking
• [28:49] Recognition that boundary-setting will not “go well”—family system resistance

Summary:

Dr. Delony helps Jane reclaim control by encouraging self-honesty and agency. He validates her cultural struggles but argues she is not responsible for her parents’ feelings or the system that burdens her. By getting clear on her ultimate boundaries and batching the caretaking workload, Jane can move from overwhelmed to empowered, even if her family doesn’t like it.

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[34:32–49:18] Segment 3: Reconciliation and Trust After Family Betrayal

Caller: Alice (Houston, TX)

Key Discussion Points

• Business Betrayal: Alice’s husband and his brother went into business with informal agreements, resulting in her husband being ripped off—both financially and relationally—multiple times.
• Tension Between Spouses: Alice’s husband wants to reconcile with his brother, but Alice is uncomfortable, especially with the idea of her brother-in-law re-entering their children’s lives.
• True Reconciliation vs. Gaslighting: Dr. Delony distinguishes between genuine reconciliation, which requires real ownership, apologies, and restitution, and empty gestures or demands to "let bygones be bygones."
• Clarity on Boundaries: Dr. Delony urges Alice to get specific about what she wants and doesn’t want—especially for her children—writing down exactly why she’s uncomfortable and what would constitute real change or safety.
• Handling Spousal Differences: Alice is reminded to respect her husband’s choices while still voicing her own boundaries, especially regarding the safety and well-being of their children.

Notable Quotes

• On what reconciliation really means:

  "Reconciliation... means to make it right. Making that relationship right would come with me saying—with him saying—I completely was wrong. It would come with making things right with restitution."
  — Dr. John Delony (38:30)

• On the difference between real remorse and cowardice:

  "Strength and integrity is saying the words, 'I was wrong, I'm sorry, how can I make this right?' That’s reconciliation. Your brother-in-law does not want reconciliation. He wants to stop feeling guilty."
  — Dr. John Delony (40:04)

• On clarity and action:

  "Writing things down has a way of clarifying those things. There’s a reason we sign contracts that way."
  — Dr. John Delony (44:52)

• On setting parenting boundaries:

  "I don’t want men who are not of good character around my children... when he demonstrates X, Y, or Z, then we can consider having them around."
  — Dr. John Delony (43:32)

Key Timestamped Moments

• [34:54] Caller details the business history and betrayal
• [39:16] Dr. Delony defines true reconciliation, not just avoidance of guilt
• [42:17] Specific concern about the brother-in-law’s involvement with the caller’s children
• [45:18] Dr. Delony instructs Alice to write down her boundaries and needs in clear terms

Summary:

Dr. Delony guides Alice to separate her husband’s need for sibling connection from her own boundaries about family contact, especially for her kids. True reconciliation requires action and ownership, not just platitudes. Clear reasoning and direct communication—not just "feelings"—are needed to set healthy limits and protect against further betrayal.

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Notable Call-In Moment

[51:12] Listener Libby shares a story about using Dr. Delony’s advice—writing a letter to a friend—which helped resolve a years-long conflict and rebuild their friendship.

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Episode Themes & Takeaways

• Trust is Earned After Betrayal: Rebuilding it requires intentionality, clarity, and cooperation, not just forgiveness or time.
• Guilt and Boundaries: True guilt arises from violating your own values—don’t absorb the emotional burdens of others. Set boundaries you can sustain, batch obligations when possible.
• Authenticity in Repair: Reconciliation, whether in marriage, family, or business, demands honest ownership and observable change—not just papering over past wrongs.
• Clarity, Not Just Feeling: Across all scenarios, Dr. Delony urges listeners to stop waiting for feelings to guide them and to get clear on their needs, values, and limits.
• Empowerment Through Choice: Whether staying, leaving, or redefining relationships, empowerment comes from recognizing and owning your decisions.

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Memorable Moment

• The “Knife” Metaphor

  "That's like the knife saying, like, I didn't mean to cut that big hole in you. I've wiped the blood off. I'm good. I'm not going to cut you anymore. And you're like, cool. I still have a huge hole and I'm bleeding."
  — Dr. John Delony, on the aftermath of infidelity (08:35)

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Conclusion

This episode provides deep, actionable insight for anyone struggling with trust, betrayal, and boundaries—whether with a partner, parents, or extended family. Dr. Delony’s blend of candor, compassion, and practical advice comes through in every conversation: start with clarity and honesty, protect your own values, and accept that hard decisions are part of moving forward in healthy relationships.

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For more episodes, resources, or to call in, visit johnDelony.com/ask.

Transcript

[Caller]

Two or three months into our engagement, I had discovered he had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps. I think we should continue with the wedding because there's a lot of money invested.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If I'm honest with you. Like, the event is way down my list of worries right now. What's going on? This is John. Dr. John DeLoney Show. If you're new, I'm so grateful that you're with us. If you've been with us since episode one, hey, God help you, but, man, I'm grateful everybody's here. We're talking about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, whatever you got going on. For more than 20 years, I've been sitting with hurting people, trying to figure out what's the next right move for them in their life. And so if you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com ask and please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button and the follow button. All that stuff. It just tells the. The Internet overlords that you're a fan of the show, and it kicks it up in the algorithm, and that helps everybody. All right, let's go out to Little Rock, Ar, Kansas, and talk to Anne. Hey, Anne. What's up?

[Caller (Jane)]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Caller]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. How about you?

[Caller (Jane)]

I'm doing great.

[Caller]

Glad to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I am happy to talk to you. What's up?

[Caller]

So my question for you is if my fiance and I should proceed with our planned wedding or not due to some infidelity discovered right before our engagement. Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me more, Tell me, tell me more.

[Caller]

Yeah, so we got engaged last summer, and then about two or three months into our engagement, I had discovered on Household iPad that before our engagement, he had been talking with multiple people from different dating apps. And I was able to see all the messages were still there. I think he had forgotten about them. Yeah, so I, you know, confronted him with it, but this was months old to him at this point, so he had sort of kind of forgotten about it, moved on, and it was fresh to me. So it's caused some fights and tension in the home since then. And he wants to potentially postpone the wedding. He thinks it's a good idea to postpone it while I finish healing or while I heal. So I think we should continue with the wedding because there's a lot of money invested. I mean, we have everything planned, you know, and. Yeah. So I'm just wanting to ask you sort of for some wisdom and, you know, should we postpone? Should we keep Chugging along.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. If I'm honest with you, like, the event is way down my list of worries right now.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can't tell if you're in a season of denial or if you're. If he's just a great gaslighter or if, at the end of the day, like, this. This sucks. But it's not that. It. It's fine. It doesn't matter. We're going to move on with this thing. I'm forgiving him. We're moving on. I can't tell where you are, but your response is. It's just neutral, and I don't have a way to pin it down. So, like, take away the money. I know you've got deposits, You've got all that stuff. You've got the invitations, you've got the embarrassment, all that stuff. Take that away for a second. Do you want to marry this guy?

[Caller]

I still do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let me get beneath that question. Is he a person that you can safely anchor into till death do you part?

[Caller]

I felt like he was before I discovered this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But we're past that now.

[Caller]

Yeah, I think. I think he still is. I think the other qualities of him, I feel like they outweigh the. This. This terrible thing that happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you confident that this is all there is?

[Caller]

I'm as confident as I can be. I mean, I. I only was able to. I saw everything that there was. I haven't seen anything since. And he assures me there's not been anything since. So I just have to. I either have to keep, you know, being fearful every day, or I have to just trust him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. There's a third option there. Okay. It's not, oh, I just got to be worried for the rest of my life, or I just gotta jump back in the middle of this boiling pot and I hope I don't get burned. The third option is, and this is the hardest one, but this is the path to healing after infidelity, after somebody cheats on you and breaks your heart, it is you doing the hard work to think what must be true for me to truly trust him again. And then you give him a very clear roadmap for him to follow, and he walks that path. And that path might be, I don't want you to have a phone for six months, or I want us to share whatever, or I want to check your messages, or I want you to delete social media. You can be as crazy and out there as you want. You're the one that got cheated on. And then he gets to be a grownup and say, I, I'm out, dude. I'm not doing that. Or you're worth the rest of my life. I'll do whatever it takes. But you're. You're kind of just. It's either this or it's either this. And what you're, what you're avoiding is the hard work of truly learning to trust each other again. So was he a. An idiot who was on dating sites after with a long term girlfriend, just nervous and getting cold feet and just trying to see what else is like peeking over the fence to see what the other grass look like on the other field? Or is he a serial cheater? See somebody that I just can't. I can't trust? He didn't come clean. I had to find this stuff. He just forgot about it. Like, you get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah, the. The way he says it and the way I, I take it as. He just needed some release. I think there was tension between us. We were long distance and he just, he just wanted a release. I don't think he was actually looking for anything or anyone else. He just wanted that attention. And I wasn't physically nearby to give that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's not an excuse, it's a context. But I, I want to know what work he's going to do. He's been doing and what work he's going to do. Because y' all will be a part again in your marriage, right? Y' all will be in separate towns. One of you or both of you will be on work trips. And the day in and day out of just being married, you can share a bed with somebody and be a thousand miles away from them. Right? There will be separation. There will be seasons of distance between the two of you, emotionally and physically. I want to know what he needs to do for his quote, unquote, release.

[Caller (Jane)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And is it a thing that's going to honor our commitment to each other and to strengthen this. This concrete that we've anchored into, or is he gonna be like, no, dude, you were gone. So I just had to. And then go do something else right now. It's strange. Normally it would be flipped. He wants to like, let's do the wedding. And you're like, I don't know. Why does he want to pause this wedding?

[Caller]

I believe he has in his mind. He's. He's done the work and he's, you know, deleted everything and he's given me access to his phone and he's, you know, open and honest about things and he feels that he's like, moved on from this. I think he's sort of repented and healed from it. And he knows that he doesn't want to do that again and go through this again, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he's not the victim here.

[Caller]

Right. So he, he. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's like the knife saying, like, I didn't mean to cut that big hole in you.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've wiped the blood off. I'm good. I'm not going to cut you anymore. And you're like, cool. I still have a huge hole and I'm bleeding.

[Caller]

Right. And it's been. It's been a few. It's been several months since I found this out. So I really had hoped that I could be somebody who was strong and could forgive him and, you know, not forget, but move on. And I think he's seeing that I'm still bringing it up even months later, and I've not healed from it. So he's saying, well, maybe we should just hold off on it while you learn to trust me again. Because he thinks I'm doing everything that I can do and you're not trusting me still. And so I don't think we should, you know, jump into a marriage if you, if you feel like you'll never be able to trust me again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what. What do you. Let me put it this way. Your feelings that you're searching for, that you're going to wake up one day and be like, oh, yeah, I can totally trust him again.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Those aren't going to come without. Without some. Without a clear path.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you're waiting for feelings to be your barometer man, that's a. Feelings are really important data. They let us know when our body detects we're not safe. And people who are like you should forget your feelings. That's dumb. Feelings are important. And it's also dumb, unwise to let your feelings be the leash that drags you around the world. Because our feelings job is not to tell us the truth. It's just to get our attention.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if, if several months later you're just waiting to wake up one day and be like, ah, healed. That's not how that's going to work. If you keep bringing it up and hitting him and you, you've taken his screw up and you put it in your back pocket as an ace of spades that you're going to play anytime you're getting beat in a card game. That's cruel.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's you deciding, I want to get to the Bottom of, what are the things about him I don't trust most of the time? I don't want to put you in this box. I'm just going to say, generally speaking, either A, there's something in your soul that says there. I don't know the full story here, or B, there's other places with money, with time, with. Where were you last night? Oh, I was with. There's other places where he's not trustworthy and your body is like, man, I'm telling you. Telling you, Anne, something's not right here. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or the third one is you've been cheated on before. Your body's run this script before and you get what I'm saying, right? And the pressure of we already have the flowers purchased and we've got the church rented is weighing on what your body's trying to do to get your attention. Here's. Here's a. Here's a way to flip this whole thing over. When we get off the phone, I want you to ask yourself, what if my body's right? What if this keeps coming back up? I keep. Have this sense in my spirit, something's not right. What if my body's right and I'm going to look with clear eyes. Do I trust him to be the guy that's going to show up for me and my kids? What things is he doing to deal with the quote unquote, release, which, whatever. And am I giving him a very clear road map on what it will look like to reestablish trust? Or am I just walking around the house with my head down, hoping I'm going to feel my way into the next right decision and you're just. You're not. If he is telling you I care about you enough that you're not settled in your. In your, like, in the middle of your heart? I'll postpone this wedding. I'll take the embarrassment and the shame. I did this. I don't want to put you in any more uncomfortable situations. In any more uncomfortable situations. If he's doing that, good on him. But you just have to make a choice on what you want to do next. And it's just going to take you deciding. I'm going to make a clear path here, and I'm going to be honest about why my body's fighting this thing so hard. Sorry this happened. I just can't wrap my head around the pain of. I've heard it countless times. Can't count the iPad in the living room, the phone, the connecting to the car. I just can't imagine that pain is finding out like, oh, the person I'm with is not the person I thought they were. What a heavy weight we got to figure out. Wading through feelings and emotions and what's the next right move? Are we thinking about you, Ann? I can't make a call. You go through your wedding or you cancel it if you want, but do it with clear eyes, not because I got a deposit. Lay down somewhere. We come back, a woman asks how to set boundaries with her parents so she can reclaim her own life. Hey, I want to take a second and talk to you about love. Not the Titanic, I'll never let go kind of nonsense love. I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you. I'm talking about term life insurance from Xander Insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids or anyone, you need term life insurance. My wife and I trust Xander for our term life insurance to take care of our loved ones and if something happens. I've used Xander for years, long before I started this show because I trust him when it comes to term life. Here's the deal. You should get coverage of 10 to 12 times your income because that gives your family real protection so that if the unthinkable happens, your family can spend their time grieving and not worrying about where their next meal will come from. Xander makes buying term life insurance simple. With clear guidance and honest support. They help you figure out the right amount of coverage for you and your family. Then they shop all the top companies to find the best price. Getting term life insurance is a way of saying I love you. Especially when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and get term life insurance the right way. That's xander.com this show is sponsored by Better Help. I have had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women. But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them. Women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well being for the care of others. Therapy can be a place where you learn how to set healthy boundaries, how to create some sort of balance and support and overall well being for yourself and for those that you love and care about. To do this, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. With over 30,000 therapists, they have the right person for you. And if the first therapist therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Listen, your emotional well being matters. Find support in therapy today. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Chai Town, Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to Jane. What's up, Jane?

[Caller (Jane)]

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you for calling. What's up?

[Caller (Jane)]

Yeah, so I'll get right into it. So my question is, how do I set and maintain boundaries with my parents so I can go live my life when they're so insistent that it's my duty to take care of them until they're gone?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who? Wow. Is there a. Is this an arrogance or is this a cultural context?

[Caller (Jane)]

It's a cultural context.

[Caller]

So.

[Caller (Jane)]

So we are first generation immigrants.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Jane)]

We moved here many decades ago when I was a child and my parents started a small business. They were working long hours and understandably they were stressed out being in a whole new country.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (Jane)]

And they never were able to dedicate like, the time and effort to like, learn Eng.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Jane)]

So they've just known the bare minimum to get through their day to day. And it's been the way of life for me to translate every piece of mail, like business documents, take time off school and work, to go with them to, like, doctor's appointments and, you know, like, car repairs to the bank, like all of those things that come up that's like, outside of the daily routine. And now that they are aging and, you know, their health is deteriorating and things like that, they've gotten so dependent on me that I'm unable to, like, make plans for my life. And if anything, they're starting to imply that I really can't plan anything because I need to be here to take care of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hmm. All right. Can I do something that's mean?

[Caller (Jane)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that okay? I'm. I'm. I'm your friend and I'm on your team, but I just want to. I'm going to do something that's going to feel mean for a second. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to run back the last few sentences you gave me, but I want you to change a couple of words. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to Change it from they are making me to I am choosing. Okay, so tell me what you are choosing to do when it comes to getting them to all their appointments and everything.

[Caller (Jane)]

I am choosing to take time off work to take them to various appointments and I am choosing to not make plans for the rest of my life so I can stay here and take care of my parents.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. That hits different, huh?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So the only, the only way I've seen people be successful in this situation is to really get a clear, what I would call an or what Statement. Okay. And what I mean by that is I've talked to people who have said my parents made choices when it came to their money. They're broke, they're aging, they will never move into my house. Best of luck. Hope Medicare Medicaid works, which your parents may not qualify for. Best of luck to them. I've heard that. I've also had conversations with people over the years who are super frustrated, super annoyed with the situation their aging parents are in. But they'll also say, I'll move, I'll move them into my spare bedroom and I'll make my kids share three to a room. Like, I'm not going to leave my parents on the street. And so getting to that Nth finish line to that or what statement? Like, like or what are you actually going to do? You're going to leave them out? Like, right. So getting there, it tends to allow you to reverse engineer your actions after that. Right. Because here's the thing. The reason they are demanding so much from you is because they can. Because you show up every time, which I think is amazing and noble, but it's also exhausting and frustrating. And you're watching your life like you, are you married? You dating anybody?

[Caller (Jane)]

I was married once before. I am dating again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gross. Okay, so you like, you're like, you're like. It's also really frustrating. Like you want to make plans, you want to do this. And then your dad calls and says you need to come over here and read my mail to. Right. So is there going to come a day when you are, you're never going to go over there anymore or if they don't have a place to live, then so be it. Because if that day is, if that day is here, if it's coming, they need to know that then you need to draw that firm line in the sand, draw the boundaries and begin acting into it.

[Caller (Jane)]

Yeah, so recently I did try to set some boundaries and you know, I don't think I went about it the Right way. Because it was somewhat escalated inside an argument.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller (Jane)]

And essentially what I told him was like, I need him to please make his own decisions and, like, be an adult, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller (Jane)]

And he hung up on me, and he's giving me the silent treatment since.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well, he gets to do that. He's a grown man.

[Caller (Alice)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get to decide, are you going to violate your own boundaries because you feel guilty, you feel uncomfortable, whatever, and you're going to head back into it, or are you going to say, if he needs something, he'll call me, and then I get to choose whether I engage in it or not.

[Caller (Jane)]

Yeah. And that's kind of where I'm at. And it's been a few weeks that we haven't had a conversation. I think he's just. I don't know what he's thinking about it. He just hasn't, you know, exactly what

[Dr. John DeLoney]

he's thinking about it.

[Caller (Jane)]

Yeah. Because Mom. Mom is calling me five times a day telling me to apologize and just,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you know, exactly what he's thinking.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I. I mentioned this on a recent episode. My friend, Dr. Becky Kennedy, she's a clinical psychologist in New York, she gave me a new definition of guilt, and it was. She was talking about mom guilt. But I think it plays to dad guilt, and I think it plays to guilt in general when it comes to relationships. It's a really powerful reframe. Can I tell it to you?

[Caller (Jane)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, here it is. Is going. Going on a date. Planning a date and going on it. And your dad's blowing up your phone because he wants you to read the mail to him. Is going on that date and texting your dad back, dad, I'll read your mail on Fridays when I always come over and read all of your mail to you. Is going on that date. Does that make you a bad daughter?

[Caller (Jane)]

According to them?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. No, no, no. According to you, does that violate your values, making plans as an adult and going on a trip? I mean, going on a date?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does it violate your core values? Does it make you a bad person in your eyes if you respond to demands for your time at regularly scheduled intervals?

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So What? The way Dr. Kennedy frames it, and I love this, is. Guilt is a very important. I'll even call it good emotion that happens inside your body when you violate your values. You're not doing that here. But when your dad cuts you off because you said, hey, I'm not coming over tonight to whatever, bring you ice cream, or I'm not driving you tonight at 8:00 clock to change your oil. We can do that on Saturday. When I told you I was coming over. What you're doing is you're taking his anger, his frustration, his temper tantrum. You're taking it from him, you're shoving it into the middle of your chest and you're choosing to feel his feelings and you're calling that guilt. You get what I'm saying? In fact, I go one step further and say you feel guilty because you've become somebody that you don't trust because you keep having a bunch of imaginary conversations with them. I'm going to tell him this and this and a. You'll never tell them. And you're like, I'm going to quit going over there. And you keep going over there. So your guilt is actually, you're violating your own values, which is I'm an adult woman, I need. I'm worth having a love life, I'm worth having friends, I'm worth like having my own world. And that doesn't mean I also am not going to take care of my parents. But I get to decide the terms of what taking care of means. It doesn't mean that they have a built in servant for the rest of my natural life. Does that make sense?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there are some significant cultural layers here, right?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like I want to own. This is a very American way of looking at this problem.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Caller (Jane)]

And I think because I've been here since childhood, I identify more with, with this American way of thinking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Jane)]

But they're just kind of stuck in the decade we moved out of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're my daughter. You do whatever I say for as long as I'm alive.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You are my caretaker forever and ever. Amen. And caretaker means you do what I say when I say it?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so here's the exercise. I want you to go through with yourself before you talk to him again. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Number one, I want you to be clear about an or what statement. What's your line? If it came down to it, would you move them into your two bedroom apartment, into one of the back bedrooms or if it came down to it, they're going to be on their own. Go ahead and solve that now because it will frame what you do next. And either one of those options is going to be hard to think about. Either one of those options is going to cause frustration, annoyance, whatever. But that's just reality. So let's just put them on the table. The second thing I want you to do is can you batch this caretaking? What I mean by that is, can you call your parents and say, look, I love you guys, you're my parents. I'm not going to leave you destitute. I will come to your house on Tuesdays and Saturdays. I'll read you all, you stack up all the mail. I'll read you what you want me to read you. I'll respond to your text throughout the day when I can. And if we have errands to run, whatever, Saturday is our errand day or Thursday is our errand day, or when a Sunday is like whatever. Right. Can you batch this caretaking so that you're not on call 24 7, 365? Is that possible? And then they get to choose. We don't want that kind of caretaker. You're a bad daughter. You should apologize. You're terrible. We raised you better than this. All that. And they get to say whatever they want and it gets to break your heart and you get to grieve it, but you don't have to violate your own boundaries and run back into it.

[Caller (Jane)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Caller (Jane)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm guessing that it's not going to go well.

[Caller (Jane)]

I have tried this to some extent in the past and no, it has not gone well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The fact that your mom is calling you demanding you apologize to your dad lets me know this isn't just an outof control dad. This is a family system.

[Caller (Jane)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She probably took care of her grandfather and her dad and by God, that's why they had you.

[Caller (Jane)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. What's your financial situation? Can you hire help?

[Caller (Jane)]

Not to that extent. No. No, they didn't save up for retirement. They are okay on housing because it's government funded. So I don't think I'll be in a situation ever where like they're going to be homeless.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have a lot more faith in our government than I do these days. That's.

[Caller (Jane)]

That's pretty true, you know. Yeah. So it is kind of tough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's tough when we have to have a really firm, reality centered grown up conversation and the adults at the table won't have it. They just stamp their feet and want to pound the table like a toddler and say, this is what's going to happen. And that's very hard to have a, a grownup conversation. I hate that for you. But I think all of the shoulds and have tos and I don't want to. All that is just getting so heavy. It's. It's so much weight on you. Clear it all off and just Say, here's what I'm going to do. And no matter what path you take, it's going to be hard, it's going to be frustrating, it's going to be fraught with big, big feelings. And you have to change your plan, you change your path, you know, at some point. But clarity is kindness for you and for them. Seek clarity and be very direct about what I'm going to do and not do. And it's not, I know it's not going to go well. You know it's not going to go well. But my hope is just by using the words I'm choosing, I want you to feel re empowered in this situation to do what the next right move is for you. And if it's to take care of them hook, line and sinker, make peace with it. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna stop fighting it, stopping angry all the time. Or if it is, I'm gonna draw some pretty firm boundaries. And if they want to hate me and cut me off, they're grown ups and that breaks my heart because they're my mom and dad, but they get to do that. I'm gonna do the next right move. Thanks for the call, Jane. I don't think I was any help to you at all, but hopefully I give you some frames and some homework assignments that will help out, help clarify stuff moving forward. We come back, a woman asks how to reconcile with her family while still struggling to trust them. I've been ranting and raving about how much I love poncho shirts for years. If you've seen me on stages or around town anywhere, you've probably seen me wearing a poncho shirt. I'm wearing one right now. But now I'm seeing them on my friends. I'm seeing them in audiences when I'm speaking. I'm seeing them on friends, at my church, even my co workers. Everybody's wearing poncho and, and everybody's hitting me up for poncho gear. Why? Because it's the best men's performance shirts anywhere. Poncho denim has that soft, amazing, broken in feel and it's got a little bit of stretch to it. It's like you've worn it a million times, but it still feels and looks amazing. And it doesn't rip or tear. It's just tough. It's awesome. And poncho flannels come in original or western styles, slim or regular fit, and they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. And they're also super tough. And comfortable. I don't know how they do it. They're amazing. Head to ponchooutdoors.com deloney and get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Again, that's ponchooutdoors.com Deloney for 10 bucks off, go check them out. All right. For the last few years, I've talked to couples behind closed doors across the country in big theaters and auditoriums about their marriages. And everyone I'm talking to is either struggling in their marriage. Their marriage is good, but they want it to be great. They want to build a new marriage. They don't even know where to start. They found themselves being co managers of their house with their spouse, and they don't. They like, where is that spark? I know it's there somewhere. Listen, me and my gang developed an app. And you guys know I'm not a huge fan of apps. I only use a very few of them. But this one that we've developed is amazing. And here's what it is. It's a microhabits app for your marriage. Because I'm convinced after reading all the data and sitting with countless people, marriages are not going to be solved. Relationships are not going to be rebuilt with big fireworks shows and dozens and dozens of roses and a chocolate cake, and let's all move on. It's going to be. They're going to be changed. They're going to be rebuilt one brick at a time, day by day with tiny changes in our habits. And so I created an app. It's called Together. You can get it in the App Store. Yes, Android people, we're working on it. Relax. But it's called Together, and it is a microhabits app for your marriage. You can do it by yourself, or y' all can link accounts together. And I know everybody's struggling financially right now, so I made this app six bucks a month, cheap as I could possibly get it. Six bucks a month, and your marriage is worth $6 a month. Go to the App Store and download it now. Or you can check the show notes of this particular show. It's amazing, it's good, and it will change your marriage from the inside out. All right, let's go out to Houston, Texas, and talk to Alice. What's up, Alice?

[Caller (Alice)]

Hey, how are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good. How are you?

[Caller (Alice)]

I'm all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome, I guess. Maybe, maybe not. What's up? What's up? Whenever someone says I'm all right, they're. They're usually not. So what's up?

[Caller (Alice)]

Well, I, I'm really excited to talk to you. I, I have kind of a complicated situation, so I'm really interested in your perspective on it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's untangle it.

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah. My, I have like a extended history with my in laws and after a business betrayal, they want to reconcile. And I'm just not sure how or even if we should try to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about the business betrayal.

[Caller (Alice)]

Well, I, when I met my husband, he had started this business with his brother and you know, over a period of a few years, they had made, you know, verbal agreements. You know, my husband was supposed to get a certain percentage and his brother was going to do this other thing and so it ended up not being that. And so ultimately when my husband and I got married, we just moved out of state and my husband lost, you know, a whole bunch of money and any claim to the business. Well then a few years later, his brother called and wanted him to then purchase it from him. And so we moved back and purchased the business outright. I felt like we were going to be protected by signing all the papers, all the things. Well then our employees were still friends with my brother in law and he then helped them while they were still employed with us to create a competing business with ours. And so when it all came to light, we were just totally devastated and ultimately cut off nearly all contact with my in laws. And so now a few years later, his brother has reached out and wants to reconcile.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did, did your in laws like your husband's parents, did they side with your husband's brother or with you guys?

[Caller (Alice)]

You know, I guess I should caveat. My, my husband, there's a big age gap and so between my husband and I, there's. We're 25 years apart and so my, you know, and my, his parents have both passed away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay, so in laws are just your, your brother in law and sister in law, correct?

[Caller]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean there's a lot of mess here. Your husband and his brother were not wise when they started this whole thing. Right. And I know everything sounds cute and cool, let's just do it. The handshake, it's just that just assumes it's never going to rain. And it always rains, there's always tension. Right. And so that's not why we're here. What does your husband want to do? Is he getting older in age? And he's like, man, I don't want this. I don't hate my brother forever.

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah, he does. And yeah, he does. And that's created a lot of tension in our marriage. Too that he wants me to reconcile. And I guess I, I mean I should add too that my brother in law's wife, my sister in law, she, she was definitely unkind for the several years leading up to like the big betrayal. Like she wouldn't, she just made conversation very difficult, would make sny little comments. And so it's hard for me to be supportive in trying to associate with people that I felt like never respected me in particular, but us together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So does reconciliation like that word? I mean I'm going to give like a cheap definition, but it means to make it right. And so if a guy, that was my brother, if I have a brother, he's awesome. One of the most integrous guys I know. If my brother and I went into business together, he tricked me, ripped me off, then sold it to me and helped a bunch of other people start a competing business. And then a couple years later came back and said, hey, I want to reconcile. Making that relationship right would come with me saying, with him saying I completely was wrong.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It would come with making things right with restitution. You guys are out 300 grand because of what I did. I'm gonna make this right. That would come with, I know I've got to re. Earn your trust. And so a path back would be awesome. And I'll walk it. Reconciliation is not. Ah, come on. It's all good. Those are the old days. That's not reconciliation. That's gaslighting.

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah, that's, that's exactly how I felt. And I mean he, he approached my husband and said, oh, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Let's just, you know, that's cowardice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's cowardice. Cowardice. Cowardice and weakness wrapped up in, in a suit. Strength and integrity is saying the words, I was wrong, I'm sorry. How can I make this right? That's reconciliation. Your brother in law does not want reconciliation. He wants to stop feeling guilty.

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah, that's, that, that's exactly. And, but my husband does like he, you know, he's the youngest, I'm also the youngest. So I feel like that's a part of it where when you're like the younger sibling, then you look at your older sibling with stars in your eyes all the time and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but not, not when they, not when they take your livelihood away from you and they, and they burn your livelihood to the ground a second time. So let's take your brother in law out of here for a second. That none of that matters. Here's what matters. Your husband wants to be in a relationship with his older brother. Again, you can't do anything about that. And so whining, complaining, nagging, picking at him like that won't solve the. The ache in his heart, which is, I want to have a relationship with my older brother, period. I don't care what he's done to me. So the question you and your husband have to ask is, what does that relationship look like? And what are my roles and responsibilities as a part of your new relationship? And you get to choose. I'm not going to choose bitter, and I'm not going to see that man. And if your husband's a man of character, when his brother's like, where's your wife? He says, man, she is still not over what you did to us. And he doesn't. He doesn't default to. Oh, no, man. You know, women, they just hold on to grudges, right? He defends you in front of the person that tried to take Yalls livelihood away. Right? And if he won't do that, you all need to address that conversation in your marriage. But he is going to try to be in relationship with his older brother. Make peace with that.

[Caller (Alice)]

Well, I don't. I mean, that's. That's fine. And I, you know, I have not stood in the way of that. And I think, you know, if y' all want to call each other or meet up, that's great. But the thing that's really bothers me is that my husband's brother is saying that he wants to be an uncle to our kids now and involved in, you know, that role. And that's what, in particular makes me feel very uncomfortable.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then be clear about, like, you're talking a lot about your feelings, and those are important, don't get me wrong. Very important. But I want you to be clear. I don't want men who lie and hurt their family members mentoring my son or my daughter. Right? And so it's not like I feel he's this. Because when you're like, I feel he's this. Well, your husband's gonna make. Well, I feel he's this. And now y' all are in a conversation that is feelings versus feelings, and those never end well. And so you being clear about what is it about this brother, I'm going to write it down so I can have it very crystal clear. I don't want men like this around my kids. I don't want them mentoring my kids. I don't want them taking on a paternal relationship with my kids, which a Great. My two uncles are incredible, and they took on an important role in my life. And so, like. But they're good men of character, right? And so, like, I don't want men who are not good character around. That includes your brother. And so when he decides A, B, C and D, when he demonstrates X, Y or Z, then we can consider having them around. But just because we share parents, just because we share blood doesn't mean I'm going to put my kids in an unsafe situation with somebody who lacks integrity. But that comes from you being very clear and direct. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah, I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as for kids, I would draw the line with kids. I mean, I, I, I would put my foot down on kids if you think they're going into an unsafe situation. And also, I can tell by your voice, your husband doesn't care. He wants, he wants it all just to be wiped clean and made right.

[Caller (Alice)]

I mean, his brother is very good at manipulating, obviously. And so when I talk to my husband, he's, he's, you know, he sees like, oh, yeah, this makes sense. And then when he talks to his brother, he gets all turned around again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah. Writing things down has a way of clarifying those things. There's a reason we sign contracts that way. People don't say, well, that's what you said. No, I didn't say that. I didn't. I meant this. That's. We write it down.

[Caller (Alice)]

So you're saying I should, what exactly should I write down?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to be honest with yourself. You don't like this guy. This guy's done some awful stuff to you and your family and you. And beneath that, you don't like his wife. She looks at you wrong. She makes mean comments. She's just.

[Caller (Alice)]

Well, it's not that I don't like her. She didn't like me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but, but, but you don't like her. Like, just put it out there. It's not, it's not a, it's not a moral issue to not like somebody. That's fine. How we treat somebody can be a moral issue. But, dude, you don't have to know. We're not all going to like everybody, right? So let's put it all down. Why do I not want my kids around them?

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it because I just don't like them? And I don't want him wearing the name Uncle? Okay, well, then we're going to get over that. He's fine. Or I don't like men of that, that character or lack of Character around my children. And if I can help it, I'm going to put my foot down.

[Caller (Alice)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It's you clarifying. And when you're clear on it, then you're not saying, well, I feel this. And your husband's like, yeah, but I feel that it just says if and when your older brother takes ownership. Because I want my son around men who say the words, I was wrong and I'm sorry.

[Caller (Alice)]

Yeah, he won't say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's one of the. That is one of the defining characteristics of men that I will let mentor my son. Are they men who can say, I was wrong, I changed my mind, I'm sorry. How do I make this right? Because that is a sign of a person of integrity and a person with wisdom. And is he a person that realizes I stole and ripped off my younger brother and his new wife? And that was criminal. It was cruel. And, man, I was wrong. Because I want my son around men who will take accountability when they really hurt people bad.

[Caller (Alice)]

Right. Because when he was saying, I'll say whatever you want to say, and it's,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you know, that is passive aggressive cowardice. That's just weakness, Weakness, weakness, weakness. Whatever you want me to do. No, that is, you take ownership of this and I'll just. I'll. I'll put a stamp on it now. Coward. Coward. Strength is walking in the door, laying your sword down, taking a knee in front of the family member you tried to steal their livelihood from and saying, I wronged you and I'm sorry.

[Kelly]

That.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is reconciliation. That's not going to happen. So you have to decide the path. And I just. I. I guess I can't give you the path. You got to decide. I just want you to be clear about what you're frustrated with. Clear about why I don't want my kid around him. Clear why I am not going to go to the family reunion. Husband, you're a grown man. You can do what you want to go. I get you wanted to be around your old brother. Fine. I don't want to go. I'm not going to go. And he can be mad at you. He can be like, I think you're making a big deal over nothing. Great. Cool. And if you start to lose respect for your husband, I can't believe my husband's cowering and walking back into this mess. We're going to get hurt again. Then have the courage to tell your husband specifically, I'm losing respect in you. I am losing attraction to you. I am losing security and safety with you. And trust in you because I feel like we're going to end up right back and he's going to throw another business deal on the table and we're going to be right back in the same boat. And you're going to be like, yeah, sure, it sounds great. And so it's just being super clear. And once you're clear, then we can say, I don't mind if my kids are around that or I'm not being around that or it just, it clarifies our path when we feel those feelings. Awesome. Good. And we, we clear them up and we get really specific about what we're scared of, what we're struggling with. We're going to make our path and move forward. Thanks for the call. I hate that that happened to y'.

[Caller (Alice)]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll be right back. If you come over to my house sometime, you're going to find all kinds of cool stuff like guitars and art supplies. And you're going to find one main theme. My family loves Cozy Earth. We love their sheets, their pajamas, their blankets, their towels. Cozy Earth has taken over my house. Why? Because they're awesome. They're comfortable. Their materials last. Listen, when you wash the towels a couple of times, they don't turn into an old rag. They stay an amazing comfortable towel. Getting into my bed with Cozy Earth sheets after a long, crazy day or a wild travel schedule, it just makes me go, ah. And seeing my wife and my daughter smile while they're wearing their pajama sets, that makes me smile. Listen, Cozy Earth rules. And on all of their sheets and towels, they offer 100 night trial and a 10 year warranty. So there's no risk to filling your house with Cozy Earth gear. Try them for yourself. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozy. C o z y cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. Trust me. Bring Cozy Earth into your home. You're gonna love it. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Libby in Akron, Ohio.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. I want to say this before. We had a live event earlier today and I was speaking to a whole bunch of people and you introed me and you said a whole bunch of nice things. And everyone on the show, all they hear is how mean you are to me all the time. And I want them to know deep, deep, deep down there, Kelly's a really nice person.

[Kelly]

I meant all of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you for saying nice things.

[Kelly]

You're welcome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have, like, three years. You don't have to say anything. I'm good. Yeah. But that was very nice. Thank you.

[Kelly]

All right, so Libby writes, I've been having problems with my friend of 14 years lately, and so we plan to meet for coffee and go over some of the problems. I took up your strategy and decided to write her a letter. I read the letter to her, and it turns out we just had a lot of miscommunications that we had to talk out. Because of some of your tips, we were able to get on the same page and agree to start a new friendship. We both feel much better and are so excited to be on the same page again. Thank you for everything you do and how much you change and inspire people in their everyday lives. And thank you to Kelly and the team. And, yes, I really said that. Kelly didn't add it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She didn't say that, but I'm gonna let that one slide today. Kelly added that in at the end because she said nice things. Hey, I'm pro. I'm proud of everybody in that situation. That's amazing. Having the courage to say, hey, I love you enough to tell you, here's what I feel and have the courage to hear. Oh, that's not what I meant. That's not what I and to say. All right, screw the deck. Let's build it new. That's awesome. Awesome. That's how things will change. Love you guys. Bye.