My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know I Take Meds to Have Sex

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Girlfriend Doesn’t Know I Take Meds to Have Sex
Date: November 12, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (A) — Ramsey Network

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Overview

This episode covers deeply personal questions submitted by callers, ranging from honesty in a new romantic relationship about taking medication for intimacy, to concerns about body image and being loved after years of marriage, and finally, how to compassionately explain homelessness to young children. Dr. Delony provides heartfelt, practical advice, encouraging vulnerability, relational connection, and authenticity at every stage. He highlights the power of facing fears, the traps of rumination, and the lifelong journey to self-acceptance and honest living.

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Segment 1: Being Honest About Medication in a New Relationship

Caller: Bruce, 62-year-old widower, Charleston, SC
Segment Start: [01:20]
Key Topics: Intimacy, honesty, aging, vulnerability

Discussion Breakdown

• Bruce’s Story:

  • Widowed in 2020, underwent both heart and kidney transplants, now dating a woman.
  • Recently started a deeply intimate relationship, but uses Cialis to help with performance and hasn’t told his girlfriend; feels dishonest.

• Bruce’s Concern:

  • Fears that revealing he uses medication may make his girlfriend feel undesirable, less loved, or unattractive.
  • Feels out of integrity for omitting this detail, as he’s otherwise completely open.

• Dr. Delony’s Response:

  • Normalizes Bruce’s situation: “You’re 62... you’re not 18... be really grateful you live in a sliver of history where this is possible.” [06:01]
  • Points out that Bruce is telling himself anxious stories about a negative reaction that may never happen:
    “You are creating stories about a potential future mishap and dragging those into your present.” [06:20]
  • Challenges the real source of Bruce's anxiety, connecting it to deep fears of loss and vulnerability after losing his wife and his health:
    “Is there a possibility that you’re afraid if I go all in on this thing, my body may fail her too?” [10:28]

• Building Deeper Trust:

  • Encourages radical honesty about feelings, not just details:
    “You don’t feel safe enough to say out loud... There’s a secret you don’t feel safe enough to say.” [07:27]
  • Suggests having a candid, direct conversation:
    “I want you to sit down with your girlfriend… say, there’s some big things on my heart… a couple of those pills are Cialis. I’ve told myself this story that you won’t like me if you knew that.” [13:18]
    • Reassures: If she reacts negatively, “you’ve dodged a bullet.” If she’s supportive, it will deepen the connection.

• Notable Quotes:

  • “Rumination never solves any problems. It feels like productive thinking… What it’s doing is making your present miserable.” — Dr. Delony [12:50]
  • “You’re not broken, there’s not something wrong with you. Your body is just trying to keep you safe.” — Dr. Delony [15:36]

• Practical Tools:

  • Write down anxious stories and challenge them: “Is this true?”
  • Practice moving through fears, not around them: “The only way through them is through.” [14:43]
  • Praises Bruce for getting treatment for ED: “Most men don’t, and that’s why I take so many sexless marriage calls on this show.” [15:42]

• Light-hearted but Serious Warning:

  • “There is a surge of people 55 and older [getting STIs] because of these medications... Go make this woman your wife and y’all ride off into the sunset together.” [16:20]

Memorable Moment:
“Go marry this lady. Y’all are 62. Clock’s ticking. Let’s go create an amazing fourth quarter.” — Dr. Delony [16:46]

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Segment 2: Struggling with Body Image and Being Loved

Caller: Elizabeth, Salt Lake City, UT
Segment Start: [20:31]
Key Topics: Marriage, body image, self-worth, motherhood, self-acceptance

Discussion Breakdown

• Elizabeth’s Story:

  • Happy, supportive marriage, six children, excellent partnership, but struggles to believe her husband finds her attractive as they age and after having children.

• Elizabeth’s Core Belief:

  • “For whatever reason, I just have a hard time believing him when he tells me he’s attracted to me.” [21:05]
  • Describes gaining 30 pounds and feeling like she’s “let him down.” [25:05]

• Dr. Delony’s Analysis:

  • Explains how personal self-image overrides external validation:
    “One of you has to be wrong—because you so deeply believe you’re not beautiful anymore.” [23:35]
  • Traces the feeling to always striving to prove herself, never feeling enough:
    “I’ve just always felt like I was clawing to prove I was good enough.” — Elizabeth [26:30]
  • Identifies exhaustion and codependent tendencies—feeling responsible for everyone else’s happiness:
    “I need my kids to be okay for me to be okay.” [28:24]

• Practical Path Forward:

  • Importance of self-care and not labeling it as selfish:
    “No, it’s not selfish... It’s putting your oxygen mask on first so you can go do the next hard thing.” [33:10]
  • Recommends therapy for processing and challenging deep-seated beliefs.
  • Encourages honest conversations in the family, modeling vulnerability for her daughters:
    “Your daughters are watching... It’s cool to take them out and say, hey, I’m done with that story. I’m gonna do some work...” [35:03]

• Notable Quotes:

  • “You think you’re a burden to your husband?” — Dr. Delony
  • “I think I’m a burden to most people.” — Elizabeth [31:27]
  • “With all due respect and love... that’s madness. It’s not a true story.” — Dr. Delony [31:29]
  • “The longest walk you’ll ever take is from knowing in your head to feeling in your heart.” [31:48]
  • “Thirty pounds doesn’t disqualify you from being beautiful, from being worthy of being loved, from being an amazing mom and wife and woman and friend and daughter.” [35:03]

• Memorable Advice:

  • Practice stating wants and needs; open up about insecurities with trusted people.
  • “Now the work begins. Day one.” — Dr. Delony [35:19]

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Segment 3: Explaining Homelessness and Addiction to Young Kids

Caller: Clara, Toronto, ON
Segment Start: [39:24]
Key Topics: Parenting, empathy, social justice, child development

Discussion Breakdown

• Clara’s Situation:

  • Recently moved to downtown Toronto, daily encounters with homelessness; wants to raise compassionate, aware children but struggles with how (and when) to introduce complex topics.

• Dr. Delony’s Framework:

  • Draws on his upbringing (son of a homicide detective) and shares a core family lesson:
    “That person you see, whoever you call ‘they,’ you’re about two or three or four decisions away. Be very humble and very kind.” [42:19]

• Humanizing the Issue:

  • Directs families to serve and connect, not just discuss:
    “The first thing with my kids… is humanize folks. That means you have to get involved and serve these people because they have names and they’ve got stories.” [43:05]
  • Emphasizes modeling empathy and not shielding kids from sadness:
    “I want my kids to see me weep when somebody dies... I want them to see us living by action.” [47:32]

• Parenting Tactics:

  • Let actions lead when kids are very young; answer questions honestly but gently.
  • Involve kids in service: making care bags, serving meals, volunteering together.
  • “Don’t ever let a person become a crack in the sidewalk.” [45:50]

• Encouragement and Perspective:

  • Validates Clara’s struggle with her own feelings and that parenting often means acting decisively and humbly, not just thinking deeply:
    “Raising kids is the exact opposite [of science]. Do the next right thing and be willing to say I was wrong on that one.” [50:36]
  • Any action “can make a powerful difference to Jeff, the guy who’s got schizophrenia… or Susan, whose story would make you sob.” [51:02]

• Notable Quotes:

  • “More is caught than is taught.” [46:33]
  • “Thank you for being a person who doesn’t just point a finger… but cares about the world your kids are growing up in.” [49:22]
  • “Let your actions be the guide. You are not going to intellectually solve this problem. It’s plagued humanity. But you can make a really powerful difference to Jeff.” [50:36]

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Segment 4: Bonus Q&A – Phones and Presence in Marriage

Segment Start: [51:30]
Key Topics: Technology, marriage, intentionality

Key Points

• Reader asks how to get her husband off his phone and be more present.
• Dr. Delony suggests humorously destructive options (“throw it in the street!”), then lands on the importance of honest, vulnerable communication:
  • Use “I statements” rather than accusations.
  • “I have this nagging feeling in my chest that I’ve lost you to technology. I miss you. I want to work on how I can be present in our home. Will you work on that, too?” [51:55]
  • Recognizes phone use is often about numbing or escaping discomfort: “People stuck on their phones are numbing away a life where they feel dead in their own skin, and the phone is actually a Xanax.” [End]
• Suggests focusing on building a marriage that feels alive rather than simply removing screens.

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Timestamps for Notable Segments

• Bruce on intimacy and honesty: [01:20]–[16:46]
• Elizabeth on body image and worth: [20:31]–[35:19]
• Clara on kids and homelessness: [39:24]–[51:02]
• Phones and marital presence Q&A: [51:30]–[End]

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Notable Quotes Recap

• On Medication and Vulnerability:
  “You’re not broken, there’s not something wrong with you. Your body is just trying to keep you safe.” — Dr. Delony [15:36]

• On Self-worth:
  “With all due respect and love in the world, that’s madness. It’s not a true story.” — Dr. Delony [31:29]

• On Parenting and Empathy:
  “I don’t ever want a person to become a crack in the sidewalk.” — Dr. Delony [45:50]

• On Marriage and Technology:
  “I have this nagging feeling in my chest that I’ve lost you to technology. I miss you.” — Dr. Delony [51:55]

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Summary Takeaways

• Vulnerability and honest communication—about medical needs, body insecurities, or even daily phone use—are the building blocks of deep relationships.
• The stories we tell ourselves, often rooted in past loss or deep-seated insecurities, can sabotage our ability to accept love or connection in the present.
• Modeling compassion and service to children, especially around difficult societal challenges, plants lifelong empathy.
• Self-care, self-examination, and opening up to challenge—by a partner, counselor, or community—are essential for healthy adulthood.
• In relationships, especially marriage, presence and intentionality matter more than perfection.

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For anyone struggling with similar issues, Dr. Delony’s message is clear: You are not broken, your feelings are valid, and reaching out in honesty is the bravest next step you can take. Ride into your “fourth quarter” with openness, acceptance, and love—clock’s ticking, make it count.

Transcript

[A]

All right, let's talk about your marriage. Right now we have February and October weekends on sale for the money in Marriage Getaway. It's the best marriage retreat on the planet. Tickets start at 749 bucks a couple. Get [e-mail] getaway.

[B]

I've met a 62 year old woman and if I can just be frank, she and I have marathon intimate time.

[A]

First you roll into my house and say I'm 62 and I have marathon sex for hours and that you take a couple of seatt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where are you feeling dishonest? What in the world is going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You amazing men and women are writing and calling in from all over the planet. We talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll pull up a seat and I'll sit with you and we're gonna figure out what's the next right move. Let's go out to Charleston, South Carolina and talk to brother Bruce. What's up, Bruce?

[B]

Hello, doctor. How are you?

[A]

I'm good, man. How are you?

[B]

I'm. I'm perfectly well. I'm very nervous. I feel very privileged to talk to you, although I'm extraordinarily embarrassed.

[A]

Oh, man. Your feelings are all real and you're allowed to have them. I'll just tell you I'm glad that you're here. It's just you and me and several million people listening in. So it's all, it's all. It's all good, man. What's up?

[B]

Okay, thanks. I'm a 62 year old widower with no children. After my wife passed away in 2020, I needed to come to Vanderbilt there in Nashville for a heart and kidney transplant, which I eventually got. And I haven't started dating until, you know, about five years after her passing.

[A]

Hold on. So after your. After your wife passed away, you had to go through a heart transplant all by yourself?

[B]

A heart and kidney transplant?

[A]

Yeah. Gosh.

[B]

And both organs had to come from one person.

[A]

Wow. How are you doing right now?

[B]

I am perfect. That's as perfect can be.

[A]

Hey, I wish more people describe themselves as perfect. That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But yes, I. I can't imagine. I don't like doing a cold with like going through a cold without my wife. I can't imagine grieving and then having to go through that at the same time. All alone, man.

[B]

Yes, I was I was very fortunate because I'm a veteran. The. So the va. As soon as my wife was diagnosed, I started counseling to process, you know, the, you know, the eventual loss of her.

[A]

Good deal, Joe.

[B]

Some good last years together, counseling for three years.

[A]

Did y' all have some good last years together?

[B]

We did.

[A]

Awesome. Awesome.

[B]

You know, with no children, you know, I just sat here in my house, in our house, the night that she passed, and I just sat next to her as she breathed her last. And then I took care of all of her final wishes the way she wanted. I planted a tree in the graveyard as she asked me to do, and that's what I did for her.

[A]

Dude, you're the man, brother. That's awesome. Yeah, thanks for sharing that, man. That's a beautiful. That's a beautiful image and a beautiful story of a really gnarly time, man. Thanks for sharing that.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

So how can I help you today, my man?

[B]

Well, I. I'm extraordinarily honest. And I've met a very beautiful, very loving, a 62 year old woman here in Charleston who also doesn't have any children. She's divorced for about 15 years and I've fallen in love with her. And if I can just be frank, when we began our intimacy, I find that she and I have what I call marathon intimate times, where it's several hours, which she very much enjoys. But the bit of dishonesty that I'm struggling with is there are times, more times than not, that I have to take a couple of Cialis pills in order to do this with her. And I have not told her. I have been completely honest and open with every other aspect of my life, but I feel disingenuous by not saying to her, you know, she says that I make her feel very beautiful, which she absolutely is. I love her a lot, and so I feel very fortunate to have found her. She's a very accomplished person financially and in her career.

[A]

Hold on, hold on, brother. Hold on. You're going on a side trail.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

First you roll into my house and say I'm 62 and I have marathon sex events for hours.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

And that you take a couple of Cialis.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Where, Where? Are you feeling dishonest?

[B]

Because I. She doesn't know that I'm. She knows that I take a boatload of pills to protect my transplanted organs, but she doesn't know that sometimes those pills, you know, are the Cialis pills.

[A]

I mean, this is me being as kind as I can. But so what? Why do you feel like you're cheating her.

[B]

What I. What I fear is. What I fear is if she. If she finds out or if I. You know, I find the courage to say to her, I'm. I'm taking these on. On more than a few occasions when we're together. I don't want her to feel less, you know, like, I. I need them because she's less attractive or I love her less.

[A]

I feel like. Here's the thing. Number one, you're 62. You got to get that out of your head, man.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. You're 62.

[B]

Yes, I am.

[A]

Those. You're not 18, is what I'll say. Okay. No, you're not 25. You're 62.

[B]

I didn't need him when I was 26, but I am 60.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. Okay. Just be really grateful.

[B]

Have to manage.

[A]

Be really grateful that you live in a sliver of history when this is possible. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's number one. Number two, you are creating stories and. In. About a potential future mishap.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you are dragging that store, those stories back into your present and experiencing the heartbreak, the frustration, the embarrassment in real time. If you care about this person, you said you're falling in love with this person. You have a great time with this person. This person is accomplished. And. And I don't care about their accomplishments, but that is a signal to me that they are able to critically think. They're. They. They can work through challenge. Like, all that stuff. Like you. You saying this. I. I can't. I just can't wrap my head around there's any sort of deception whatsoever at all. Like, you don't explain to her which pills are which to keep you breathing every day.

[B]

I do not. No. She just knows. I. When I come to her house, I have a big bag of medicine, and I take them twice a day. And that's all she knows.

[A]

I. If this is here, here's the bigger thing. The bigger thing that's troubling me is that you say you love this person. You're willing to have, as you put marathon. Physically intimate. Like. Like. I don't even know the right word. Without. Without being crass. Like, just get it on time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But you don't feel safe enough to. Like, who cares about the medication? But there's a secret that you have that you don't feel safe enough to say out loud. And I don't care if that secret is. My wife of however many years used to wear those red dresses. Next time we go out could you not wear a red dress?

[B]

I see.

[A]

Or hey, I. I love coming over here and being with you. I never thought I would say these words, but I want to get married. I'll spend the rest of my life with you. I want us to just get old and ride or die together or. I take a medication. I'm just embarrassed about it. I just want to put it on the table. Or whenever I eat, I. Whenever I go to a ball game and I eat hot dogs, I get gas. Like, I mean, y' all are past that physically, y' all are past that relationally. But something in your. Like you've. You've. You've anchored a flag there that somehow you're less than or worse somehow because you're 62 years old and the plumbing is different than it used to be, that she is going to interpret that not from the. Like, factually, but she's going to create a story in her head. Like, man, you're. There's. Let me say it this way. There's enough craziness in the world. Don't create yet another story about somebody you have a great relationship with.

[B]

I really appreciate that because I had been feeling, prior to hearing what you just said, that I'm walking around in my house while she's at work. I'm not allowed to work anymore, but she's still in the workforce, so I'm kind of bumping around in my house creating roadblocks to a woman that I absolutely want to marry and spend the rest of whatever years I have left with someone who wants the same. And I should just be open to that possibility and not worry about the rest. I'm very honest, and I have felt, not saying anything about this particular aspect of my life, that I've been dishonest by keeping it to myself.

[A]

Can I challenge you on something?

[B]

I'm sorry?

[A]

Can I challenge you on something?

[B]

Yes, sir.

[A]

I may be completely out to lunch here. Okay. So just imagine you and me out here in Nashville. There's a grad taco shop right across the street from Vanderbilt. Okay.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

We're just Imagine us two sitting there having chips and queso. Okay.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is there a possibility that you got married once and you had a ride or die and she left. She passed away. Could it also be the scariest thing, besides somebody leaving is when your own body fails you? You can't. Can't count on your own heart. What else can you count on? Is there a possibility that you're afraid if I go all in on this thing, she might pass away on me too. Or. Or my body may fail her too. And so we're just going to create stories to keep a little bit of space between this amazing woman and this amazing guy who had this amazing relationship. Because that. I've been through hell. I've been through pain before. And your body's saying, hey, we know what happens if you fall in love. We know what happens if you get a forever person. It ends in heartache and pain. Let's stay away. And so you pace your house, you pace your apartment, wherever you live, repeating stories, responding to stories. How many times. Let me ask you this. How many times have you been down a rabbit hole in your mind? About. Some more.

[B]

More times than I can. I care to count.

[A]

Okay. But you're down this rabbit hole and then you see this girlfriend of yours.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And she is. She's. She's the son.

[B]

She is.

[A]

She's. And you realize, oh, I was. I was way off.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She can't wait to see you when she. She lights up when she sees you.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So what I'll tell you is this rumination feels like productive thinking. It feels like. And especially for my friends who are veterans.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They were trained to foresee anything that could happen and reverse engineer a plan just in case.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And they get out of the service and they come home and they start ruminating, imagining worst case scenarios everywhere and trying to come up with a plan for all of it. And you can't do that with that many variables and friends and work and family and. And. And, oh, by the way, you have to have a heart transplant and a kidney transplant. You got to go through it alone because your wife passed away.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so what I'll tell you is rumination never solves any problems. It feels like productive thinking. It feels like you're practicing a future solution to a thing. It's not. What it's doing is making your present miserable. And so my challenge.

[B]

Absolutely. I don't want that.

[A]

I know. I know. I totally. I totally get that. Can I tell you a couple of. Of tricks for that? Not tricks, but solutions for that.

[B]

Yes, sir. Please.

[A]

Okay. I want you to sit down with your girlfriend. How long have you all been together?

[B]

Six or seven months so far.

[A]

Okay. I want you to say there's some big things on my heart. And I have tried to protect you. I've tried to protect me. And I just want to have a time of openness. Is that cool? And probably. She's pretty. Sounds pretty awesome. She'll go. Sure. Go for it. And you can say what you want about. I really care about you. And I take 500 pills a day. You know that. I'm 62 years old. A couple of those pills are Cialis. And I have told myself this, this is important. I've told myself this story that you won't like me if you knew that. And here's what you're going to do. You're going to head straight into this fear. And I'm almost willing to bet I could be wrong. And by the way, if she looks at you and goes, oh my gosh, gross, you're the worst. You have dodged a bullet. Like the matrix, my friend.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But I'm almost confident she will smile and say, honey, you're 62.

[B]

Yes, she will. I know her that. I know her well enough to know that that will be her reaction.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that all my fears are all self induced.

[A]

Okay. The only way through them is through.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And then as you come up with other stories. Because your body's going to try to protect you from close intimate relationships because it remembers when your wife passed.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It remembers when the doctor said your body is failing you from the inside out.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Your body's not broken. It's just trying to keep you safe, man. And what you have to constantly practice is at one time it wasn't safe, but it is now. And so when I get those stories that I start to ruminate on, I'm going to write them down, I'm going to get them out of my body and I'm going to ask one question. Is this true? And I think you factually know she would she if you told her a couple those pills are Cialis, she'd probably laugh, probably give you a hug. She might say thank God. Right. Is that fair?

[B]

I'm, I'm certain she wouldn't, she wouldn't care less about any of it. It's just, it's just me.

[A]

Okay. So I want you to hear me say, you're not broken, not something wrong with you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Your body's just trying to keep you safe. And, and by the way, can I applaud you for being a 62 year old guy who went to the doctor about Ed? Most men don't. And that's why I take so many sexless marriages calls on the show. People calling in because guys don't have the courage to go to the doctor.

[B]

Thank you for that.

[A]

I'm proud of you, man. That's a big step.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Here's the next thing. Can I throw one other thing at you absolutely. The. The largest number of sti. I have to just say this, man.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

And again, if you could see me talking, you'd see me with a smile on my face.

[B]

Okay, okay.

[A]

But also, I'm being serious. If the largest number of people who are diagnosed with STIs, sexually transmitted infections. They used to call them STDs when we were kids. Is obviously young people, but there is a surge of people 55 and older because of these medications, because people are hooking up later and longer.

[B]

I see.

[A]

Why do I tell you this? If you love this woman, go make this woman your wife, and y' all ride off into the sunset together and go until y' all have no tread left on the tires. And, dude, I just gotta say, you've been through it, and your body's gonna try to protect you. That doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. And, man, it sounds like you're a good man. So thank you for being a good man and wanting to always be honest in integrous. I don't see this as an integrity moment at all. I see this as you trying to protect yourself. Because, man, you're about to really go all in on loving this person if you haven't already. And that means you can get hurt really bad again. And that fear is real. I'm gonna tell you, man, buckle up and head right through it. Go marry this lady. Y' all are 62. Clock's ticking. Let's go create an amazing fourth quarter. When we come back, a woman is struggling to believe her husband still finds her attractive as they've grown older. All right, I know it's not just me. Everyone I'm talking to has that feeling like something is off. There's this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, and it feels like our phones are listening to us. It feels like everybody's tracking us. And we know for sure that when we're on the Internet, every keystroke is being tracked. We're living in a time when personal information like our name, our address, our phone number, even our family's information is being bought and sold behind our backs without our knowledge or consent. That's not just a privacy issue, because when your data is scattered all over the Internet, it just feels off. It's gross. And that's why I use Delete. Because me. Delete Me is a service that hunts down your personal information on all those shady data broker sites, and they make sure it's removed. It's like a digital boundary. Because when you take back control of your information. You're not just safer, it lets you breathe. It's not about hiding from the world. It's about choosing what parts of your life are for the public and what parts of your life are private and for you. If you want more control of your digital life, this is a simple place to start. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20%. All right. I've been telling you about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and pajamas forever. Now they give you that kind of comfort that makes coming home from a chaotic workplace or a long day out in the wild or a reason to exhale and even celebrate. And now, as the weather is cooler, I want to tell you about Cozy Earth's soft wash cotton sheets. I love sleeping on cotton sheets in the fall and the winter. And these amazing cotton sheets, they give you that perfect broken in feel like your favorite T shirt. After years of wear, Cozy Earth is crushing the new cotton sheets game. They're breathable cozy and they make you feel at home, like you've had them for years. But they feel like that right out of the package. As always, comfort Cozy Earth's new soft wash cotton sheets come with a hundred night sleep trial. Try them out. If you don't love them, send them back hassle free. Believe me, you're not going to want to send them back. And now Black Friday has come early at Cozy earth. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney. On top of their sitewide sale giving you up to 40% off in savings. These deals will not last, so start your holiday shopping early. That's cozyearth.com DeLoney use code DeLoney. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to Elizabeth. What's up, Elizabeth?

[C]

Hey, what's up? I don't know. This is pretty crazy.

[A]

It's crazy for me too.

[C]

Oh yeah, right.

[A]

What's going on?

[C]

I'm. I'm just surprised. I don't feel like my issues are nearly as big as a lot of stuff you guys are taking care of. So I listen, listen to talk to me today.

[A]

Pain and concern and fear. There's. It's not a sum zero game. Everybody's hurt is their hurt and everybody's concerns are their concerns. I'm just. I'm just grateful that you called.

[C]

Well, thanks for talking to me. Yeah. So should I just give you the question, and then you can ask me what dude background you want.

[A]

Get on the high dive, tuck your knees, and cannonball. Jump all the way. Jump all the way in.

[C]

Okay. I'll warn you, I. I didn't think you'd choose it. I kind of just sent it out into the universe thinking it would stop bothering me if I actually admitted it out loud. So this is not something I talk about a lot, but.

[A]

Very cool.

[C]

No, I just.

[A]

Kelly has a. Kelly has a knack for finding people who are really vulnerable. And she's like, yeah, let's get them. It's her superpower.

[C]

Kick them while they're down. No, I'm just kidding.

[A]

No, that's awesome. All right, go for it. Go for it.

[C]

Yeah. So, you know, I've had a really blessed life. I have an amazing husband who he's. Honor, integrity, like, all the things. He loves me. We've had a happy marriage. He's my favorite person in the whole world, and he tells me the truth, and we have a really good marriage. And for whatever reason, I just have a hard time believing him when he tells me he's attracted to me. And I don't not believe any other time, but for whatever reason, I'm convinced that being a man of integrity or a man of honor, he's going to honor our marriage. And so he's going to tell me what's going to be nice to hear or something. I don't know.

[B]

So.

[A]

That'S hard to say out loud, isn't it?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I've got a hypothesis. Can I throw it out there?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is this one particular particularly hard to hear when he says, I think you're beautiful, or you hear me say all the time on the show? Behavior is a language when he wants to still be with you after all the years y' all have been together, I sleep. Sleep with you. He still wants to, like, be intimate with you, Right. Because you don't think you are.

[C]

Oh, absolutely.

[A]

And so when he says, I think you're beautiful, or when he kisses you or holds you tight or wants to make love with you in your mind, one of you has to be wrong. One of you has to be the liar here.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Because you so deeply believe you're not beautiful anymore.

[C]

See, it's. It's crazy because I, like. So we. We have six kids. My body's been through it, and I'm not worried about stretch marks or anything like that, but I have, like, 30 pounds on me. Like, not a lot of weight, but, like, weight I don't want and he. You know, he. He says he doesn't mind. Right. He doesn't care. He understands. But when we got married, I was 19. It was cute and, like, you know, thin and all that. And I'm. I'm not uptight about a lot of the things about my body, but, man, that weight, when you get close to 40, just doesn't come off the way it used to. And all of a sudden, I don't look quite. I'm not carded anymore when I go into restaurants. Right. Like, just stupid stuff. But, yeah, I just. I feel like I'm aging, and I don't look old, and I don't think I'm ugly, and I don't think I'm huge. Like, there are so many other people that I look around me and I'm like, oh, they're actually. They look really cute in their clothes, and they're heavier than me. Right. But I just. I.

[A]

You don't think you're lovable? You think you've done something wrong?

[C]

I feel like I've let him down.

[A]

Yeah. Where does that story come from? You've given him six amazing kids, and he. He loves you to death. A guy would take on the world for you.

[C]

He would.

[A]

Well, here's the story. Here's the story arc I'm most interested in. Why do you believe that £30 is the difference between worthy of being loved or letting down my husband?

[C]

I don't know. I feel like. So, obviously, I've been. Since I wrote it, I've been thinking a lot about it because I actually admitted it to something, and then Kelly found it. Immediately, I was surprised by that. But when I. When I've been thinking about it, I mean, I immediately. When I was told that you would talk to me, I immediately called him and said, hey, this is something I did, and I'm gonna have this phone call. And he was like, well, I love you, and I think you're beautiful, and go get some help. Like, he was totally supportive, and he didn't tease me about it or anything. And so, yeah, he's wonderful. But I think it, like, my whole.

[A]

Life and you are, too.

[C]

I feel like my whole life I've been. If I'm being honest, especially after having kids and, like, seeing all the different personalities, I actually have been very naturally talented or blessed in a lot of ways. I was probably above average intelligence. I was above average in the sport I participated in, but that meant that I was always put in the smart class or in the competitive team, and then I was not the Best there. And so I had this view of me always like just trying to catch up and I don't know, I've just always felt like I was clawing to prove that I was good enough to be wherever I was.

[A]

Are you tired?

[C]

I'm exhausted.

[A]

That sounds exhausting.

[C]

Yeah. But then I just think, oh, it's just being a mom or whatever because I actually homeschool them all since COVID It just kind of. That's how we needed to do things. And so, yeah, I. I'm on tap all the time for all six of them.

[A]

When's the last time you went and hung out with your girlfriends? Just you?

[C]

Actually, my mom just planned one last weekend and it was amazing. But then I was stressed the whole time about my, you know, leaving my family behind.

[A]

Okay, this is going to sound bananas, but you're going to have to practice not being codependent. You. Well, I don't like the labels of your co. You've. You've got some sort of codependency disorder. I'm not going to say that. I'm saying your actions are this.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or what's inside your chest is I need my kids to be okay for me to be okay. And nobody can help them be okay more than I can be okay. So the story, the loop you get on is I need to sacrifice everything. Laughter, joy, connectivity, friends, community, every movement, exercise. Like, just saying, y' all take care of yourselves. I'm relaxing right now. You sacrifice all of that for this ever moving finish line of now they're going to be okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And you dump that on your husband because my guess is it was like, I'm going to be a great mom. I'll quit my intellectual pursuits and be a stay at home mom. Not one kid, not five kids, six kids. I'm going to be with you sexually, I'm going to be with you emotionally. I'm going to do all these things. And. And he is super grateful. Like, he's beside himself. He knows how lucky he is. And yet you keep moving the bar for yourself. Oh, well, now he's not happy because I got 30 pounds. Now he's not happy. And my guess is you were. There was something else about you before this.

[C]

Yeah, probably seems reasonable. I think that's probably part of why I wrote into the show was because now that I have teen girls, like, I don't like the way I feel and I don't want them to be like this. I. Because I tell them all the time, like, your value has nothing to do with the way you look.

[A]

I know, but they know. They know that's not true.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm worried about that. Okay. Let that worry pulse through you. Okay. It's a real worry. And like, the other day, I took my son out for breakfast, and I said, hey, I need you to hear me directly. I have set a terrible example in this house because I walk in through our back, through the garage, and I drop my stuff right there. My jackets, my bag, whatever I got in my hands. I usually have two yetis in my hands. I just drop them. And I said, I've shown you a bad example of what being respectful of this house is. Your mom puts a lot of work in here. And I just come and drop it. I said, I have to change my actions. And I'm going to call. I'm asking you to call me out, and I'm going to ask you to call me out. That that's how you fix this stuff, is to sit down and say, I've given you this image.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then you're going to have to practice. Y' all are on your own. I'm going to hang out with my girlfriends on Monday nights. I'm going to go see a counselor and pull the thread on, where are these stories coming from? That I'm not lovable, that I'm not. Not beautiful in the aesthetic sense, but I don't have innate beauty worthy of people being around. You think you're a burden to your husband?

[C]

I think I'm a burden to most people.

[A]

Right. And with all due respect and love in the world, that's madness. It's not a true story.

[C]

I think that's what's frustrating is that I know it's not, but I can't help myself.

[A]

There you go.

[C]

From to change.

[A]

Okay, so I. It was about a year ago now. I asked my counselor, the woman I see here in Nashville, I need help. And I put my hand on my chest, I need help knowing feeling. And I pointed to my head, what I know to be factually true. And she smiled and said, that's the longest walk you'll ever take. And I was like, I know, but I gotta do it. And that's you walking in to a counselor and saying, I understand that the feelings I'm having are not reflecting the reality with which I live. And that usually means either childhood trauma or that means that your body is sensing scary things in the present, and you are trying desperately to keep everybody around you okay and safe. And you're spinning up stories as to why you feel the way you feel. And there's something about dropping your shoulders and say, I'm worth being loved. And on the days I don't feel like it, I'm going to trust you. I'm going to start practicing saying out loud or even writing in a journal. Today is three things I want.

[C]

And that's not selfish?

[A]

No. Why would that be selfish? Would you hear that story that you taking care of you is focusing on me is selfish?

[C]

Well, no, I think I, you know, I. I try to take care of myself, but.

[A]

Are you a Christian?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you remember the story where Jesus got away from everybody to go pray?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. There's time when to work. All in. You got six kids. You're on the clock all the time. You have a husband who still thinks you're beautiful and still wants to be with you. You're on the clock all the time. And I'm saying that with. Sarcastically. You know what I mean?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And yet there's times I'm pulling away. I'm going out on the lake with my buddies. I'm going to sleep. I'm going to pull away all by myself. Y' all keep watch. I'm going to go pray. No, it's not selfish. It's putting your oxygen mask on first so you can go do the next hard thing.

[C]

I think I. Being married young, it was very much about making sure that. And he made sure I got my degree, too. I have my bachelor's, but he did advanced degrees, and that meant that I was having kids and staying home with them while he was doing the late nights and the long hours and stuff. He went through medical school and residency and all that together. And, yes, I've always felt like I was sacrificing for our greater good.

[A]

And I promise you, he thinks the same thing.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so both of y' all have competing stories. That's actually the same story that could unify y' all in an amazing way. Because he works crazy hours and has a crazy job taking care of hurting people. Nobody comes to see them when they're having a good day.

[C]

That's accurate.

[A]

And he has to deal with all of the medical establishment, which is in utter chaos right now, and insurance, all he does all that. And the story he tells himself is, I'm sacrificing myself for this amazing, beautiful wife of mine and my six awesome kids.

[C]

Well, I'm sure that's what he's telling himself.

[A]

And you wake up every day and say, I've got intellectual pursuits. I don't have any adult Friends. I miss folks. It's so bad that my mom had to plan a trip, right? And I'm sacrificing myself for the kids. And what happens is you run parallel to each other. You become amazing co managers of the household. Instead of realizing we both are trying as hard as we can, we're giving pieces of ourselves for the other person. The other person saying, that's not, I just need you. And you're saying, I need you. And he's saying, I need you. And it's coming back and saying, hi, my name is Elizabeth. I love you. I'm really struggling with body image these days. I'm really struggling with the story I've made up that you don't love me, that I'm not pretty anymore. Do you still like me? You want to build a new amazing marriage with me? I may want to go back to school one day. I want to get a grad graduate degree. We make enough money, could we hire, like, it's beginning to push some of that stuff on the table. And him saying, I don't want to work so many hours anymore. I miss you. I'm missing the kids. I miss you. And it gives everybody permission to put these things on the table. But I guess I want to tell you, man, you're not broken. You're not a burden to that guy. You're amazing. £30 doesn't disqualify you from being beautiful, from being worthy of being loved, from being an amazing mom and wife and woman and friend and daughter. And at the same time, the truth is your kids are. Your daughters are watching. This is what this. This is what loving make being a person, being. Being an adult looks like. And it's cool to take them out and say, hey, I'm. I've fallen into a trap where for some reason, I don't think I'm beautiful anymore. And I'm done with that story. I'm gonna do some work with some people, and maybe it wasn't your parents, maybe it wasn't childhood. Great. It's awesome. But you're worthy of being loved, my friend. I'm really grateful that you called. Now the work begins. Day one. When we come back, a mom wonders how to explain homelessness and addiction to her young kids. We'll be right back. All right, team. I'm excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor for this show, Cove. Cove is an affordable DIY home security company that has one mission. Help you protect your family for less than a dollar a day. We all see the news. The world is Getting chaotic and there's so many fly by night home security companies. Cove is somebody that I trust. Cove cameras stream live video and audio directly to your control panel and your ph so you can see and hear what's happening at your house in real time. That clarity and control over your home can give you peace of mind. And it's super helpful if you have kids at home so they can see who's at the door without opening it. With Kove, you customize your security system through a quick online quiz so you only get what your home actually needs. Setup is super simple. It takes like 30 minutes and you're on your way. This is a great way for you to protect the people you love without breaking the bank. Every Cove system comes with a 60 day risk free trial. Now is the perfect time to get Cove. They are offering an exclusive Black Friday and Cyber Monday sale for my audience. Visit cove smart.com and use my code Deloney at checkout for up to get this 80% off your first order. That's Cove C O V E cove smart.com and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, Toronto, Ontario. Let's talk to Clara. What's up, Clara?

[D]

Hi there. Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for having me call in.

[A]

You got it. What's going on?

[D]

Well, I'm a mom to two, two young kids, a preschooler and a baby. So I'm hoping that I've called in time to set this out.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Can I just stop you? Whatever you're calling about, you have plenty of time.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

You have a toddler and a baby. You've got a long Runway, sister.

[C]

So I would love to get your.

[D]

Perspective on how to talk to my kids about homelessness and some of the factors, maybe like addiction that, that contribute to that reality for some of our community members.

[A]

Yeah, great question. So tell me about your community.

[C]

Yeah, so my husband and I just.

[D]

Moved our kids to the downtown core of Toronto. So it's a really big city, it's really vibrant and dynamic. There's people from all walk. We really enjoyed the transition. There's tons of restaurants and festivals. And the other side to it, the.

[C]

Heartbreaking reality of it is that more.

[D]

Of that community of homelessness, people who are unhoused or experiencing homelessness, is much more evident now that we're in the downtown core and we do a lot of walking with our kids and so every day we're passing by someone who is on the street. And so far my three year old, the sort of, of most that I've heard from her is, oh, that man is sleeping on the bench. And my response was, yes, he is. And so I'm just wondering when and how to talk to my kids about this. And yeah, I would love, love your insight.

[A]

I don't have any literature on this. I can only speak from what we've done, my wife and I have done with our kids.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. And I want to frame this because my dad was a homicide detective in a huge city in Houston, Texas.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And the perspective he taught me at a very young age was very counter to any political argument I've ever heard in my life, ever.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

And the essentially whether he's talking about someone who was struggling with homelessness. He was talking about someone who'd committed a murder, someone who was go, like on trial. Like, we talked about that a lot. He was very open with me growing up. And the chief lesson I walked away with is that person that you see, whoever, whatever you call say is a they, that guy, those people, you're about two or three or four decisions away. Be very humble and be very kind. And this is from a Texas homicide detective. Okay. Because he would meet these folks and realize, oh my gosh, but for two situations that are different, I'm that guy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so what we've done. So I'm like, I don't have a political bent on this. I've. I know some of the, the data. I've done some personal, like, ethnographic, qualitative research on some of the rural popular. Like, I, I know that peripherally, I'm just gonna direct, Be direct about. Here's what we do in my house, the first thing with my kids, since they were, since they were zero, very, very young, is humanize folks. That means you have to get involved and serve these people because they have names and they've got stories. And so I wanted my kids to see not just a guy sleeping on a bench, but a guy that had a dad and a mom at one point. Maybe he's got brothers and sisters.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And when somebody has a name, it opens up to, yeah, that person may be very, very sick. And that sick, instead of coughing sick is. And again, if you're talking to a three or four year old, instead of coughing sick, that sick is inside their mind and they really struggle. And one of the unfortunate things about our world is there's not a ton of resources for people with that kind of sick. Imagine not being able to go to the doctor when you were sick. And it. What it will do is challenge you and your spouse to come up with, what are we gonna. What's our house gonna look like? Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So, for instance, we participate like my local church here participates in something called Room at the End, where during the winter the local churches in Nashville, Tennessee have beds, mattresses all through their buildings. And homeless folks come spend the night there. And we have meals, but more than meals, we hang out, play games.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Laugh. And it was a shock to me as a guy who lives in this, like, is invested in this. How one night, one morning, I woke up and all six of the quote unquote homeless guys that had stayed with us were at work. They left at 5 o' clock to catch their shift. Right. So it told, it just tells a different story. Now my son's old enough that he can come spend the night with us too.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

My daughter comes and she'll be a part of the meal part.

[C]

Right.

[A]

And so it's just finding. Finding places. And then my wife and my daughter make bags with water and socks and gloves, like things like that. We don't tell anybody about that. It's the first time I'm ever talking about this, but I want. My kids are always seeing, hey, that's a. That's somebody's dad, that's somebody's brother.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And so it's finding ways to get involved and humanize them and then not shying away from your own personal heartache. Mom, that's so sad. Yes, it is. It breaks my heart. And kids will call us out. Well, why do we have, we have all these extra rooms. Can they come stay here? Right. And though like out of the mouth of kids, man, kids tell the truth. And so it's addressing some of those things head on. And I want to. I used to one of my things for my students when I was a college professor was I. I couldn't solve anything. I. Like I was a professor. Right. But what I always wanted is I never wanted my students who left my class to ever be able to drive through a neighborhood again and not see it. And that's.

[C]

That is. Yeah.

[D]

I. We have already noticed within days of being in such a. A busy place, how, how far removed you. You immediately become of just, you're on your, you're on your walks, you're doing your thing and. And suddenly you don't notice it anymore. And. And that's also really scary.

[A]

Yeah. I don't ever want a person to become a crack in the sidewalk.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

Right. And so it starts with you and your husband saying, as for our house, us too. If this matters to us. And I'm assuming because you're calling that it does matter. Right. Then what is one small thing we can do to get involved? Is there a local organization? And if you're not a person of faith, there's. There's 5 million non profits in these cities. Where's the thing we can invest our time in? That then becomes the story. Mommy, where are you going? Daddy and I. You know that man that was sleeping on the bench? Yes, ma'. Am. Your daddy and I are going to help him out.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What do you mean? Well, he doesn't have a house to sleep and doesn't have any food, so we're gonna go make sure he's got a meal tonight. Why doesn't he have any food? I'll talk to you about that when I get home.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And we're gonna begin gently those conversations. But kids, my friend Rachel Cruz says more is caught than is taught. They're going to learn by how you and your husband either go, or if they ask for money, you turn your nose up or pretend they're not there. Your kids will learn to pretend people aren't there.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Or if you. If you look them in the eye and say, do you have any cash? I'm so sorry, man, I don't have any cash. But my name's John. What's your name, dude? It's an honor to get to meet you today. And you walk on, your kids will pick that up, too.

[D]

It's a really great reminder.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

If I can just go a little.

[D]

Bit further than an age or stage where if they haven't asked, you want to make sure you bring things up.

[A]

Like my wife and I, again, this is the path we have taken. When they were very young, and I would say 10 or younger, nine or younger, we tried to let our actions do all of the talking.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so conversations about sex, about mental illness, about violence. Right. Those kind of things. I want my kids to see me weep when somebody dies.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And I haven't shielded that them from that. My. Unfortunately, I think Will Ferrell humor is still the funniest humor on the planet. And so I've had to explain, when I make a joke, my wife's like, all right, your dad's gonna explain that to you all. So, like, talking about sex has never been a taboo thing in our house. And so it was never. Only now that they're getting older, are we pulling them aside and saying, hey, this is what a period. Like you've heard us talk about periods. This is what this actually Means what it's going to feel like. Right. And. Or like, obviously, I'm not having that conversation, but. Or I'm taking my son out to talk about X, Y or Z. Right. So we like to let our actions, when the kids are young, do the talking and let them and communicate. There is never a question you cannot ask us. And then as they get older, it's less about, why is that guy there? Because by the time they're 6, 7, and 8, they already know about that guy. Because mom and dad go every week or every other week to serve in the soup kitchen. And that guy's Jeff.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And when Jeff's angry, we step away because that's real. I don't want to be like, it's not all roses. If you work with anything with homeless, it can be tough and there's some harsh realities to all that, but that's the way we do it. And then as they get older, about very specific things. But we've tried to cultivate. We haven't done it perfectly. Obviously, we try to cultivate a. A healthy field that our kids can plant any seeds they want and ask anything that they want. But most of it is, I want them to see us living by action.

[C]

No, I love that. Thank you for that.

[A]

No, thank you. Can I just tell you thank you for being a, A, A concerned citizen. Homelessness is like, as inflation goes up, housing prices goes up, homelessness is going up more and more and more. And thank you for being a person who doesn't just point a finger at a homeless person and say, oh, it's your like. Right. Thank you for being that person. But also thank you for caring about the world your kids are growing up in. And your actions and kindness will teach them the kind of citizen they can become.

[D]

I love that. And, and you know, it's just, it's. The world feels really daunting when I myself and sort of still grappling with my own understanding of these kind of issues. So it's hard to know what am I passing on to my kids and making sure I'm doing that with kindness and compassion for everyone involved.

[A]

So are you a. What's your educational background?

[D]

More in the sciences. I have a doctorate in science.

[A]

And can I tell you how I knew to ask that? You like me and my wife was Dr. DeLoney before me. We were trained to think very carefully and deeply and thoughtfully about something before we put any sort of action into the world.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And what I want to tell you is raising kids is the exact opposite. Do the next right thing and then be willing to say I was wrong on that one.

[C]

Right.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so let your actions be the guy. You are not going to intellectually solve this problem. It's plagued humanity. But you can make a really powerful difference to Jeff.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

The guy who's got schizophrenia and they kicked him out because he doesn't have any. Any more money.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You can make a huge difference in the life of Susan, who's. If she told you her story, you would just start sobbing because it's so awful. You can. You can give her a hot meal. You may not even change your situation. But she's gonna eat tonight because me and my husband got involved. And your kids are going to see that sort of heart and mind. And then if you want to become a sociologist, you can go down the rabbit hole. But I wrote a second dissertation. I don't recommend it. It's not. It's not a great idea. But thank you for having such a beautiful heart and spirit about you. That really. That encourages me. In a time when things feel like they're getting dim, people like you out there saying, like, I want to hold a light out here, and I got two kids. I want to make sure I hold as much light as I can. Thank you for. For being. For being that kind of. That kind of mom. Kudos to you. We'll be right back. All right. We are way into fall right now, and you probably know I'm a pumpkin spice guy. Just kidding. Pumpkin spice is disgusting. Nobody should drink it. But I am a guy who loves the fall. But I got to be honest about it. I got so much going on. I got stuff with family. I got stuff with school, stuff with work, holidays. And I know you do, too, in a season that already tends towards anxiety and exhaustion. Sleep is super critical right now. That's why I can't stop telling you about Helix mattresses. When people come spend the night at my house, they always want to know about this mattress they're sleeping on in the guest bedroom. It's that amazing. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not just, quote, unquote, average sleepers. So whether you sleep hot, cold, on your side, on your back, even you face sleepers. I'm not going to judge you, but come on. Helix customizes their mattresses for you. I got online and took the Helix sleep quiz. It took, like, two minutes, and you can do it, too. And now every room in my house has a Helix customized for the sleeper in that room. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 27% off their entire order at helix sleep.com/deloney. That's for your entire order. Go to Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com Deloney and tell them you heard about it right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. We got a money in marriage question. If you want to come to the best marriage retreat on the planet. We got one on sale right now. This show launches in November. That one will be sold out by now. But we have one Valentine's Day weekend. If there's still tickets left when you get this, you can go to ramseysolutions.com getaway and get your tickets. Here's one of the questions that was left in the anonymous question box at last year's money marriage event. How do I get my husband to be present and stay off his phone? Here's a couple of things right off top of my. Off the top of my mind. You can take his phone and throw it out in the street. That's one. You can take his phone and drop in the toilet so it won't work anymore. That's one. Or sink. Whichever body of water works best for you. Or another one is, you can take him out and say, hey, I want to go to breakfast this weekend. And no phones. I'm not turning my phone off. It's Saturday, the games. I'm just asking you for two hours of your time with no phones. We turn them off. I'm going to put mine in my bag. Can I put yours in my bag? And then you use I statements, not you statements. But you're always on your phone. I'm talking about. You use I statements and you say, I have this nagging feeling in my chest that I've lost you to technology. I miss you. And I want to work on how I can be present in our home. And I would be honored if you would work on that, too. I'm on my phone too much. I'm on my screen too much. I feel like I'm competing with the screenshots and I miss you. And then usually that can be followed with an oh, God, you're right. Or a whole bunch of, well, I have to. I'm on call. I gotta do this, I gotta do this, I gotta do this. But it's you being honest and speaking it out loud. I feel like I'm coming second to the phone. And the fourth thing you can do is just nag and fight and punch and kick and be like you were always wrong, and that just never gonna work. So that'd be my recommendation. I'll tell you this to husbands and wives listening to this. Probably in the top three or four most common questions I get is, how do I get my spouse off their phone? I like to think of folks who are stuck on their phones as folks who are numbing away a life where they feel dead in their own skin, and the phone is actually a Xanax. So sometimes, instead of asking, how do I get you off your phone? Will you join me in building a marriage that is alive from the inside out? What does that look like? I don't know. Let's figure it out. This could be the funnest adventure of our lives. Love you guys. Bye.