My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show – "My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me"

Episode Information

• Title: My Husband and His Brother Got in a Fistfight Over Me
• Host: Dr. John Deloney, Ramsey Network
• Release Date: December 20, 2024
• Description: A caller-driven show providing real talk on relationships and mental health challenges, encouraging listeners to send in their questions via voicemail or email.

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1. Conflict Between Husband and Brother Over Wife

Caller’s Story (00:05 - 04:17): A distressed caller shares a harrowing experience where her husband and his brother engaged in a physical fight over her. The tension escalated during Thanksgiving when her husband confronted his brother about the latter's derogatory remarks towards her, particularly regarding their shared experience of four miscarriages. The caller describes the emotional turmoil, including her husband's unexpected display of rage—a stark contrast to his usual laid-back demeanor.

• Notable Quote:
  Caller (00:05): "We've unfortunately had four miscarriages. And he threw that in my face and said we didn't, we didn't lose anything, we didn't lose any babies."

Dr. Deloney’s Response (04:17 - 07:33): Dr. Deloney delves into the dynamics of adult conflicts, emphasizing that both parties are responsible for their actions. He advises the caller and her husband to recognize that inviting such turmoil into family gatherings can lead to inevitable loss for everyone involved. He underscores the importance of setting boundaries to protect their mental and emotional well-being.

• Notable Quote:
  Dr. John Deloney (05:11): "They are trying to hurt you at the deepest possible way."

Advice and Insights:

• Acknowledge that both the husband and his brother bear responsibility for the altercation.
• Understand that the family’s avoidance of confrontation signifies their unwillingness to engage in a productive dialogue.
• Encourage the couple to mourn the loss of their ideal Thanksgiving while considering alternative ways to celebrate that foster peace and joy.
• Highlight the futility of viewing the situation as a win-lose scenario, advocating instead for mutual respect and healing.

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2. Partner’s Reaction During a Shooting Incident

Caller’s Story – Alyssa from Louisville, Kentucky (14:51 - 37:46): Alyssa recounts a traumatic experience during a festival where a shooting occurred. While most people reacted with panic and fear, her fiancé remained unnervingly calm, even grinning after the incident. This stark difference in reactions left Alyssa feeling uncomfortable and questioning her fiancé’s emotional maturity. She further expresses concerns about his patterns of avoiding confrontation and his dismissive behavior in various aspects of their relationship.

• Notable Quote:
  Alyssa (15:05): "He walks casually walks up to us and has a little bit of a grin on his face. And he was really calm about the situation, which made me very uncomfortable, made me upset."

Dr. Deloney’s Response (17:49 - 21:29): Dr. Deloney addresses the complexity of human reactions to trauma, emphasizing that there is no "right" way to respond in such dire situations. He validates Alyssa’s feelings while highlighting her fiancé’s immaturity and dismissive behavior as red flags that could undermine their relationship's foundation.

• Notable Quote:
  Dr. John Deloney (17:50): "Everybody's Body reacts differently in those situations."

Advice and Insights:

• Recognize that immediate reactions to traumatic events vary widely and are influenced by individual coping mechanisms.
• Encourage open and honest communication about the incident to process emotions and understand each other’s perspectives.
• Address underlying patterns of dismissiveness and avoidance in the relationship that may contribute to unresolved conflicts.
• Suggest seeking therapy to navigate the emotional aftermath and to strengthen the relationship through better understanding and empathy.

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3. Navigating Relationship with a Convicted Pedophile Father

Caller’s Story – Sean from Louisville, Kentucky (25:58 - 43:38): Sean opens up about his strained relationship with his father, a convicted pedophile and registered sex offender. As his father ages and faces health issues, Sean grapples with societal stigma and personal boundaries, feeling conflicted about the expectation to care for him. He expresses jealousy towards peers who maintain close paternal relationships and is burdened by the legacy of his father's actions, which have disrupted his personal life and relationships.

• Notable Quote:
  Sean (25:58): "My father is a convicted pedophile, he's registered sex offender. And I just, I just see me taking care of him in the future, just blowing up this life that I've worked so hard to build."

Dr. Deloney’s Response (28:08 - 37:46): Dr. Deloney commends Sean's courage in sharing his painful story and offers a compassionate yet firm stance on establishing boundaries. He challenges Sean to release the undue guilt and responsibility he feels, advocating for self-liberation from his father's shame and actions. Dr. Deloney provides practical exercises aimed at helping Sean physically and emotionally detach from the burdens imposed by his father’s legacy.

• Notable Quote:
  Dr. John Deloney (29:32): "You have to decide to stop carrying his shame and his secrets around as though it's your burden. This is killing you."

Exercise Recommended by Dr. Deloney:

1. Physical Manifestation of Letting Go:

   • Visit a hardware store to purchase duct tape and cinder blocks.
   • Write on each block statements like “Never told me the truth in my house” or “Hurt and abused children.”
   • Carry the blocks around until fatigued, then throw them away to symbolize releasing the emotional baggage.

2. Emotional Processing:

   • Acknowledge and validate personal feelings of anger, betrayal, and sadness.
   • Engage in therapy to explore and heal from the deep-seated trauma and its impact on current relationships.
   • Consider significant life changes, such as changing his last name, to fully sever ties with his father's actions.

Advice and Insights:

• Set Boundaries: Clearly define what is acceptable in interactions with his father and stick to those limits to protect his mental health.
• Release Guilt: Understand that Sean is not responsible for his father’s actions and deserves to live a life free from that burden.
• Seek Support: Engage with supportive friends, family members, and professionals to navigate the complex emotions tied to his father’s legacy.
• Future Planning: Focus on building a new, healthy family dynamic that honors Sean’s values and aspirations, free from the shadows of his past.

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Conclusion

In this emotionally charged episode, Dr. John Deloney provides invaluable insights and compassionate advice to callers grappling with complex family and relationship issues. Through active listening and practical recommendations, Dr. Deloney empowers individuals to set healthy boundaries, process deep-seated emotions, and prioritize their mental and emotional well-being. This episode underscores the importance of addressing unresolved conflicts and trauma to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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Notable Quotes Highlights:

• Caller on Miscarriages (00:05): "We've unfortunately had four miscarriages."
• Dr. Deloney on Hurtful Intentions (05:11): "They are trying to hurt you at the deepest possible way."
• Alyssa on Partner’s Reaction (15:05): "He was really calm about the situation, which made me very uncomfortable."
• Dr. Deloney on Human Reactions (17:50): "Everybody's Body reacts differently in those situations."
• Sean on Father’s Expectation (25:58): "I just see me taking care of him in the future, just blowing up this life that I've worked so hard to build."
• Dr. Deloney on Letting Go (29:32): "You have to decide to stop carrying his shame and his secrets around as though it's your burden."

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This comprehensive summary captures the essence and critical discussions of the episode, providing readers with a clear understanding of the topics covered and the valuable advice offered by Dr. John Deloney.

Transcript

[Caller]

His brother said some very rude things about me. My husband punched him. We've unfortunately had four miscarriages. And he threw that in my face and said we didn't. And said we didn't lose anything. We didn't lose any babies. And when he said that, I thought my husband was really gonna murder him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Woo. What's up? This is Jon with Dr. John Maloney Show. Ben is behind the board, so I was trying to redline it for him so he'll have to spend extra time in editing. There you go. Ben, hey, I'm so glad that you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and whatever you got going on in your life. You want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 184469332 91. Or you can go to john deloney.com/AS. Okay, I don't know. I'm singing. I'm just in a good mood today. All right, let's go. Let's just go to the, to the phones to Maybe it's an 8 mile Detroit rock City and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?

[Caller]

So my question for you is, how do I go about the holidays? When my husband and his brother physically fought over me last holiday, like they.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Did a duel for your heart or your affection, what happened?

[Caller]

No. So the backstory is this. My husband and I have been together 10 years. Married five, roughly about five or six years ago, his brother started to act like I didn't exist in the world. In the beginning when it happened, I kind of thought, oh, maybe he was having a bad day. But then it continued to happen and.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Something happened to precipitate this. Or he just started ignoring you?

[Caller]

He just started ignoring me. Nothing happened pre this in the years before this happened. And I would bring it up to my husband as like, hey, did you see that too? And he's not a confrontational person. So sometimes he'd be like, well, he didn't say hi to me either. But it started to get where it was more obvious. And obvious years would go by, I would say something and then I got to my threshold and basically like, told my husband he needs to say something because it's his brother. And so they did it at Thanksgiving last year. And when my husband confronted him, his brother said some very rude things about me. And so my husband punched him. And then that turned into a verbal argument for about 30 minutes that I too, also engaged with because his wife jumped in and started to attack my husband. And I wasn't Going to let that happen? Yeah, pretty much. That's how it felt. And then since that like we left, his brother said some very mean things about me. He called me a lot of names. He threw the. We've unfortunately miscarriages and he threw that in my face and said we didn't, we didn't lose anything, we didn't lose any babies. And when he said that, I thought my husband was really going to murder him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Fair enough.

[Caller]

Dude went into complete like anger, rage. And I've never, my husband is a very laid back person. I've never seen him like that ever.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Was it kind of hot?

[Caller]

Yeah, a little bit. I told him afterwards. I was like, jeez, it's nice to see the fight in you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I knew it. I knew it.

[Caller]

But since then, you know, obviously we left and everybody's emotions were very high. We a week or two later went and went back to my. Because this happened at my in law's house. We went there and had a conversation with them and apologized to them about like what happened because it's still their home. And you know, we, we kind of just told them then like, we don't want to be around him. We don't, we don't want to see him. We don't want to be around their family. And you know, everybody, meaning meeting my in laws and my sister in law who was also there, they all wanted to have this big conversation, this big meeting and have a family meeting. But it never happened. And this literally got swept under the rug and no one since then has brought it up.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, so simple. Your husband calls your brother his. I mean your husband calls his brother.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's two grown men, they got into it and there can be a thousand different reasons, like different opinions or whatever. He calls his brother and says, are we cool and are you going to honor. Respect my wife or no. And if not, then the family is choosing and the family chooses to have him over. They're choosing to not have you guys over, over.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's, it's that simple. I'm not going to go be around a situation that I know is going to provoke violence and it's not going to do it. When somebody makes a comment like about miscarriage and stuff like that, it's in. I've been open about our story too. We've had a number of those too. That is not somebody's making a com comment about miscarriages. That is somebody just grabbing knives and trying to stab you.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

They're trying to hurt you at the deepest possible way And I've got about as much use. I just. I have no interest in being in their presence.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm a grown up. And what that means is y'all might have to grieve a picture y'all had of what Thanksgiving was going to look like.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that sucks. You and your husband might have a fight, you might have a deep disagreement because he might feel this pull to honor his mom and dad in his head means going and sucking it up. And he's going to do this.

[Caller]

Yeah, he. I mean, we're. That's kind of like where we're at. We're. We're both on the fence. I mean, we both want to go in the aspect of seeing, you know, his. His family, meaning his sister and his. His mom and dad and our daughter and their kids playing. But then we're on the, like. Majority of our feelings are we don't want to be around him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Think. Think of this in a different way. If his parents have not called this to a head and are trying to pretend it never happened or trying to avoid a confrontation. Behavior is a language. They are telling you, we'd rather y'all not come this year because y'all were very clear about. I'm not going to go in a situation was going to be violence. I don't want my daughter seeing me fly off the handle like that. And I don't want my daughter seeing somebody talk to their mom that way.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Not going to do that.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so mom, dad, if y'all don't want to deal with this in the home, cool. We get the message. I don't want us here, and that's fine. It breaks our heart, makes us sad. We're going to grieve it, all those things, but we get the message. And there is the two male grownups acting like two male grownups.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And calling each other on the phone. And if the brother doesn't want to ask and you got all the answers you want, you got answers that you need. The thing that you guys can turn this and be real immature about it real fast is considering it a one and a loss that he gets to go, that he wins. And if you don't get to go, y'all lost. And if you start keeping score like that, then it's not going to be about healing a family. It's not going to be about people respecting and treating each other with dignity. It's going to be about winning and losing. And no relationship survives that.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so take the one loss nonsense off the Table. You're just going to get a real clear picture of everybody's revealed character. And fire does that. It reveals.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense because it's kind of. I mean, that's kind of how I. How I feel. It's kind of like, you know, he thinks he did nothing wrong, so he's going to just go and we have to sit with this like this happened, and nothing's been said about it or talked about, and it's still very real for me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So listen, everybody lost. Nobody won. So if he shows up all like, hell, yeah, he shows up to this thing and y'all are gone. Everybody lost. He lost. Your parents lost, the cousins lost. Everybody lost. And if you all show up and there's no brother, and it's like, yeah, he doesn't get to come here anymore because of what he said. Everybody lost. So take the one loss off.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

What I want you guys, you and your husband to do is to a be real sad about this, and you guys reverse engineer what's a great Thanksgiving look like? And it might be inviting some people from your office who don't have anywhere to go. It might be what we do in my house. We do it at Easter. It's a Easter of randos. We got the wildest, eclectic group of people. Songwriters, lawn people, bankers, university executives, my tattoo artist and her family. I mean, it's just random people. It's so great. Okay, okay. But in a perfect world, our families will all be here. They can't travel this far.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So we sad about that, and then we go to the next right thing.

[Caller]

Now, would you. If we decided as a family to go, how would you say we should approach?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, I would not walk into that situation unless your husband has called your brother, his brother, and.

[Caller]

And settled it and had a conversation.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That is taking a lit match and a can of gasoline to a situation that's stupid. Somebody's gonna get shot. Yeah.

[Caller]

Unfortunately, I don't think that conversation's ever going to happen because his brother is not willing to have that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but I want your husband to be a person of character and integrity, somebody who stands up for his wife and also somebody who tries to heal important relationships.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I want him going to bed at night knowing I made three phone calls and he didn't respond.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't want him going to bed going, well, if I even call, he's not even going to answer it because nobody knows to make that call.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But, yeah, I would absolutely, 1000% you are inviting Trouble. And what do you do for a living?

[Caller]

I am a 911 operator.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. I thought they had mentioned something about that. So, you know, 1016s, you know, domestics is where most people die, right? Not doing that. I'm not setting that up.

[Caller]

Right. And that's kind of how I felt. I didn't. I. I. With the way that I was raised and the. What I saw, I. I told my husband before we even had our daughter. I never want her to be in that type of environment. And so that means we have to cut people out. We cut people out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can I tell you one more weird thing? And I'll get. I'll get some grief about this on the Internet. There may come a time when you make peace with him going and you not and him saying, I want to go see my mom and dad. And I know it's chaotic and wild and it's not giving in, and it's not what I. But I want to see my mom and dad. And you go, yeah, absolutely. Go see your mom and dad. That's important for you to see them as bad as they've treated, as bad as they fumbled this whole situation. And imagine they're a broken hearts. They got their two boys in the living room fighting and saying vile, evil things to each other and being powerless and, like, just overcome. Like, fine. There may be a season when. Not this year, but there may be a season when you say, go see your mom and your dad. I'm not gonna go. They've made it clear what they think about me, and that's fine. Go see your mom and your dad. And then when we come home, we'll do X, Y, and Z. I think that's fair, too. If y'all agree on that and y'all want to set that, he may say, no, forget that. I'm not going anything without you. Great. Y'all get to decide that. But that's a. That's for the future. This year, we're gonna be sad. Hey, everybody who's struggling to sleep, stop what you're doing. Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe, has extended their Cyber Monday sale. And it's happening right now. I used to hate getting into bed on an uncomfortable mattress, but now sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. I'm getting into new levels of deep, refreshing sleep. And I've said this a lot. Everyone in my immediate family sleeps on a Helix mattress now. And my extended family is now getting in on it, too. And my family is all different, just like you are all different because everyone sleeps in their own unique way. Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers, stomach sleepers, back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little extra love, they have mattresses for you too. Helix offers a 100 night trial and all helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. I want you to get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did, and it will help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preferences in under two minutes. And here's the best part. Right now, Helix has extended their Cyber Monday sale through Christmas. That's 20% off all mattress orders plus a free bedding bundle. Go to helix sleep.com DeLoney for details. And to save 20% off, that's helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. I'm a founding member and I'm the only member of the get off the Internet and go Outside club. And yet I, like all of you, find myself at work and in my personal life, basically living on the Internet. These days, as a society, we're creating more and more online accounts all the time and we're signing up for promos. We're giving away our emails and personal numbers and buying everything with our phones and our laptops. I get hundreds of emails to my personal account, my business account, and every business wants to survey me and become my friend. And everyone everywhere is trying to sell me. All kinds of stuff drives me nuts. And with all of our online activity, do we really know where our data is and who has it? Chances are high that data broker websites have your information and they're selling it to scammers, spammers and other shady people. But when you use Delete Me, they find and remove your data from hundreds of sites and they send reports to you throughout the year to show you exactly what they removed and from where. And now I'm getting way fewer of those spammy text and phone calls, which allowed me to let my guard down a little and feel some peace this holiday season. Share the peace by giving a Delete Me subscription to someone you love and care about. Individual Delete me plans start as low as nine bucks a month. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney today for 20% off off. That's join J-O-I-N delete me.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Louisville, Kentucky and talk to sweet Alyssa. What's up, Alyssa?

[Alyssa]

My question is how can I process my feelings about my partner's reaction after A one particular significant life event.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Wow. I can't wait to hear this one. Tell me what happened.

[Alyssa]

Yeah, so we live nearby. I'm sorry. We traveled nearby to a festival, and this happened about a month ago, and there was a shooting, unfortunately. I think it's important to note, too, we had a couple of our best friends from Illinois down, and they have two kids. So the shooting was particularly sensitive because, of course, we're worried about our own lives, but the lives of the children, because they definitely don't deserve it. Right. So after the event, or. I'm sorry, during the shooting, our reaction, everyone's reaction, except for his reaction, was to run in the opposite direction. Very similar to how everyone else appeared to react as well. When we got to a place of kind of calming down, we're no longer running. You know, we're at a place where we feel like we're removed from the shooting or the shooter. He walks casually walks up to us and has a little bit of a grin on his face. And he was really calm about the situation, which made me very uncomfortable, made me upset. And it was not, you know, he felt as if it was a joke, like it was some kids goofing off and, you know, just trying to cause a scene. Whereas our reaction is, if it's a joke or not, let's get out of here. And that is what it seemed to be, everyone's reaction. So I tried to reason with him. And I can't tell if I'm being unreasonable or if my gut feeling about this whole situation is accurate.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I don't think it's an either or situation. I have been in enough wild situations that I have just made peace. I don't judge people's initial reactions to terrible events. Everybody reacts differently. And I have acted very foolishly, running into situations that I had no business doing that. And that's just in. It makes for good theater. It is terrible in real life. And I have seen people think the whole thing's a joke and start laughing. I've seen people curl up in a ball and start screaming. I've seen everybody run. I've seen people all of a sudden grab a stapler and a brick and run. I mean, everybody does something different. And so I don't judge anybody's instant reaction. The only people's instant reaction I judged are those who have trained and trained and trained for specific events. But when it comes to average people who duck or who run or who laughs, I just don't. I don't hold judgment there, because everybody's Body reacts differently in those situations.

[Alyssa]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

On the back end, though, y'all are at home. It's two weeks later. It's three weeks later. If y'all sit down and did you find out it was a real shooting or not a real shooting?

[Alyssa]

It was a real shooting. Some folks passed away.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so have y'all circled back up now that the smoke has cleared and sat down and said, hey, let's talk about that?

[Alyssa]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How is that going?

[Alyssa]

He still feels the same way that we reacted. He felt like we, we were dramatic where we just wanted to treat it the same as 99 of everyone who was running. Treat it seriously, whether or not it's a joke or not in, in today's world.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, no, I don't mess around that at all anymore. Yeah. Not even a little bit.

[Alyssa]

Can I, Can I share Something else too, Dr. Johnson?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Share anything? Of course.

[Alyssa]

I feel like I have felt in the past that he shows cowardly behavior in some situations, like with his family, like he's non confrontational. And I think that that is also stemming from how I'm feeling about this particular situation.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There have been times you've watched him and watched him and be cowardly in day to day interactions. And now all of a sudden he's mocking you because how. Of how you protected yourself.

[Alyssa]

Correct.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, gosh. Yeah. Are you married to this person?

[Alyssa]

No. Engaged for five years. We've been together for eight.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's the holdup? Yo?

[Alyssa]

We both, we both say, well, you know, we can do it tomorrow if we want to, but we just. I guess neither one of us has made it a priority.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. I would ask your nervous system about that.

[Alyssa]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because sometimes our bodies know. I. Here's the thing. I. I don't have any use for. I say I always have use for people. I don't have any use for people who belittle other people during scary moments. That's honestly one of the reasons why I hate civilian tape review of situations. People running out of a building or that kind of like. I don't like that because it's just, it's just not fair.

[Alyssa]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And your instinct was, right, Was to run. His instinct was silly and foolish. It could have got him killed. And instead of acknowledging that and yeah. So for him to not be able to say in a similar fashion, dude, I just thought it was a joke, man. Thank God we're all right. Yeah, y'all got out of there. Good for you. But to turn and mock you guys, it's just very immature.

[Alyssa]

Yeah. And that's how I felt like.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But hold on, listen. He's not just immature about this. He's immature about a lot of stuff, isn't he?

[Alyssa]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Give me an example.

[Alyssa]

When we go to. Earlier on in our relationship, when we would go to family gatherings, you know, a family member might say something a little bit sideways, and I'm not one to cause a scene. I would never do that. I feel like that doesn't achieve anything. So my reaction is to talk to him after the fact. And he has said everything in order to avoid going to that family member to say, hey, you know, you can't talk to her that way, or you can't, you shouldn't say that, or whatever it might be. You know, one thing that he said was, I, I was drunk, I didn't hear it. Or the next time was. Or she didn't mean it that way, or like it's at the expense of how I feel.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right. It's called gaslighting.

[Alyssa]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Your feelings are always wrong. There's always an explanation for your feelings. But when he has feelings, they're right. And if you disagree with him, you're wrong for feeling that his feelings aren't right. It's a very immature way of go through the world. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to consider that this is a very revealing situation. A straw that breaks the camel's back. And I'm not saying your relationship's over, but I'm saying it's time to set some things on the table. Because here's what's happening. I can feel it. It's festering inside of you. And you are sweet, Alyssa. You just, you don't want to fight. You like doing the next right thing. I could get married tomorrow if I wanted to. I just, I got, I'm gonna, I'm gonna watch the new season of Dexter and just call it and go to the next thing. Go to the next thing. You can just make your way through the light. But what's happening inside of you is that your inside just trying to catch fire and before you burn up, because that's what's going to happen. Your secrets will kill you, not him. I think there's a truth telling. There is a. Hey. For five years we've been engaged and you don't honor my feelings, you don't honor my fears. When I get scared, you make fun of me. When you get scared, you're like, oh, I was drunk. I didn't even pay attention. There's just a general Sense of immaturity or a general sense of his world is all about him and feeling powerful and strong. If he can't feel powerful and strong, he dismisses you. And that's just not a partnership. That's not a two people creating something amazing together, moving forward. And anytime somebody tells me, like, oh, we've been engaged for three years, four years, five years, seven years, we just haven't got around to it. There's almost always a reason we haven't got around to it. There's not a reason we've done it. There's a reason we haven't done it. And I think that's worth exploring in your own heart. Maybe go sit with a. With a therapist and talk about it. Or sit down with him and say, hey, we need to just talk. You thought it was a joke and you were just walking around thinking the kids were goofing off. Fine. Not gonna judge you on that. But people got killed. It was scary. Scared me to death. And the fact that you care less about how scared your fiance was and more about mocking me and being like, oh, my gosh, that wasn't even that big. Tells a lot. Tells me a lot about your character. And I think that's what's known at your insides, Alyssa. I may be wrong, but I think that's what's known at your insides. And I think that is worthy of exploring. Okay, it's time to talk about Organifi. Listen, our bodies do a lot for us. Our bodies keep us alive. Filters toxins help us deal with the onslaught of these wild news cycles. Our bodies move us around. Our bodies do everything. And let's be honest, we don't always treat our bodies the best. So I want you to stop for a second and just say thank you to your body. And beyond just saying thank you, we can also show our bodies how much we thank them for changing how we move, how we exercise, how we engage in close relationships and change how we nourish our bodies with food and food blends. One great way I honor my body is with the products from Organifi. I love Organifi because they're super, super selective about what goes into their whole food blends. And Organifi helps you think your body by using ingredients with integrity, plant based, certified organic, vegan, dairy free, soy free, and glyphosate residue. Free glyphosate is a pesticide. That's gnarly. And your body will thank you for keeping away from it. Listen, it's so easy to get the benefits of organifi Just mix with your favorite beverage or water. That's it. Personally, I love the green juice and the red juice in the morning for natural sustained energy and digestive help. And I still love, love my happy drops every day. And I love the better biome gummies for digestion. And I often wind down in the evening with the gold chocolate hot cocoa. So good and it's naturally calming. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney right now to save 20 at checkout with code DeLoney that's O R G A N I F I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20% off. All right, let's go out to sorry, Ms. Jackson, who, Ms. and talk to Sean. What's up, Sean?

[Sean]

My father, who I haven't been super close with, is getting on in years. He, he's run into a lot of health problems. I'd have a lot more sympathy if it wasn't of his own like doing. He hasn't taken care of himself from even the time when I was a kid. I can remember maybe like two times that I saw my father run. But the really hard thing is he's getting on in years and he's kind of reached out to me and kind of made it known he expects me to take care of him. And I'm still trying to build a life and build family for myself. But the thing that makes it really hard is that his past. So my father is a convicted pedophile, he's registered sex offender. And I just, I just see me taking care of him in the future, just blowing up this life that I've worked so hard to build. I mean, I've got a girlfriend right now and really happy and everything looks like it's going to be the best thing in the world. And I just. Only two people in the world know about this. Like my two best friends that I look at as brothers. And my brother unfortunately is in and out of jail. And my mom is currently taking care of his newly born son. So she's wrapped up and she's doing great. She's really, really great woman Saint, honestly, to deal with my dad for so long. They're divorced now and she's remarried. But it's just so hard to like look at this man and see nothing that I can look up to or nothing I can admire. And I look at my friends relationships with their fathers and brothers and I'm so jealous. And I just don't know what my taking care of someone who in society is looked at as the lowest of the Low. It's. It's hard for me to imagine. I. I don't know. What do you think?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, one man, I. I feel honored that you called in. Like that was the first time. You said a lot of that out loud, didn't it?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I could hear it. And so whatever you've done today, or whatever you'll do tomorrow, this is the bravest thing you've done in a long time. And I'm proud of you and I'm honored that you called me.

[Sean]

Thank you, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, here's step number one. You have to decide to stop carrying his shame and his secrets around as though it's your burden. This is killing you. The more you keep this a secret and you tell yourself that this is somehow a reflection of you. It's like you drinking poison and hope he gets sick. The secrets and the shame are killing you. I can hear it on you, man. And you can't buy houses out from under that. You can't out earn that. You can't out discipline yourself in the Navy out of that. Do you, do you get what I'm saying? Does that resonate?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You've been carrying this for a long ass time, haven't you?

[Sean]

I have. And it started when I was younger, like protecting it from. From my friends. And then I would make these good friends. And then one day. Hey, Lars, Robbie isn't going to be able to come over anymore. And it wasn't until I was a little bit older that I found out why I felt like I worked so hard. And every step he's taken away things from me that are out of my control. And the one thing I can control is who I tell.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Did your dad hurt your friends too?

[Sean]

I don't think so. I think it's just they found out he was on the registry and it's like I really want to believe for like everything in my body that it was a one time or whenever that went down before I was born and it ended there. But his actions, he's like done other weird things. Like when I've had girlfriends, like stalks their social media and stuff and it's just like hard to find anything. Like if I were to have to defend this man in court, I would not have a good case.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And so you can hope and wish this was a one time thing years ago, but your gut tells you differently.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want to challenge a core belief you have in the center of your chest. Is that all right?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. You have more than one thing you can control, which is not telling anybody this. Another thing you can control is letting him carry all of his crap and you stop carrying it. And you can say, my dad was a very sick man. Continues to be a sick man, and has never shown retribution, has never gone through the behavioral stuff to get well, to like. We've never talked about it. He's never wept in front of me and talked about what he's taken from our whole family, blowing up the whole world, hurting all these kids. None of that has ever happened. And that is a cornerstone of redemption. And so I'm not gonna not do these things because of what society says. I could care less. And you can lie to yourself, brother. You don't not like him because he's overweight and doesn't jog. He grosses you out because he's a person who has chosen disgust as his. As his essence. Fair?

[Sean]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Sean]

Very fair.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Own that. Because I'm watching, I'm listening to somebody, and I'm. I've got a picture in my head of a guy who is not going to redeem a family tree. But you have been tilling the soil and you've planted a new one.

[Sean]

That's what I've always wanted.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but that's what you're doing.

[Sean]

My biggest dream since I've been a man is to change my last name.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Then go change it, brother. There's no disgrace in that. And if you've listened to this show for one year, two year, five years, you know I'm all about redemption. And I'm all about people freeing themselves from being haunted from their past. I wrote a whole book on it. And how dare you not deal with anything, not confront anything, not say anything, and then call your son, who's trying to build a new life that you destroyed, and demand he take care of you? No. Somewhere in your guts, brother, you either think you've got a fault here. Somewhere in your guts, you think you did something wrong, or you think you can fix this. And, dude, I want to free you from that. You cannot. You don't have that kind of power. Here's the more damning thing. He could have, and he has chosen not to. And that means he's left one more victim in his wake, and that's you. And for that, dude, that breaks my heart. And I'm sorry. If you were sitting right here, I'd hug you.

[Sean]

I can't tell you the way you just listed off me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is that fair?

[Sean]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We're not going to swear at people. We're not going to curse at People, we're going to keep our dignity and our character about us. You're working too hard to change to. To. I mean, to plant a new family tree and to tend to this young tree as it's growing. So you're not going to resort to the world and throwing rocks and sticks and grenades at your old man. He's cashed himself out of your life, and for that, that in and of itself is a tragedy. I wouldn't wish that on any young man in the world to have their father cash them out.

[Sean]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You're gonna have a season of being real sad, Sean. Okay. Just want to tell you what's coming. You're going to be real sad. But if you will engage in that sadness and not try to flex and work out and discipline and whatever, Xanax it away, you will be free on the other side of this thing. Okay?

[Sean]

Okay. Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Tell me what you're feeling.

[Sean]

It's mixed. It's hard because one of the people I trust the most in the world, my friend, he's a similar family situation to me, but just different vices. And I look at him like a brother, and he's someone I look up to. And when I talked to him, he had a very different reaction. But he's a single guy. He's not a father like you. I feel like it's a different perspective. And I think when you're a father, you kind of see the danger more clearly than anything else. And I feel at the same time that you've given me, giving me the tools I need to move forward and not feel accountable for my father's sins. And that's it. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And can I tell you if this is lingering around back there, if you brought some friends over and your dad may have hurt one of your friends or you don't know, that's not on you. Dude, you're a kid inviting buddies over to play. It's not on you. And if you brought girlfriends to your house and your dad was creepy and you tried to defend him and you tried, it's not on you. Okay? Be free of that. You're a kid.

[Sean]

I've kept all of the women away from him since I've been a man on purpose. I. I can see the way he looks at them. And I just know I don't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know what that, you know, I call.

[Sean]

Something hasn't changed.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know what I call that? Wise? I call that an outstanding young man. I call that a great boyfriend. I don't call that a bad son.

[Sean]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. That's what good men do, is they take their girlfriends into a situation and when they get sick at the way another man is looking at him, they get them out of that situation. Good on you. Can I tell you this? I, I, I'm not, I'm not worried about the present, the future, danger. I'm not. Dude, you're a 26 year old. Are you still enlisted?

[Sean]

I'm active, yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I wouldn't fight you. You'd knock my head off. Right. An out of shape old man like I'm not worried about what happens next. The reason I don't want you around this man is he has never had a reckoning with you about what he did to you, to those young kids, to the family, to the ecosystem, to his neighborhood. He's never had a reckoning. And when a dad doesn't atone for his sins with his sons, his sons carry them and it buries him. And I'm sick of it.

[Sean]

That's the thing. He's never, he's never been accountable.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He never will be.

[Sean]

Got away with it. My mom stayed with him. He didn't get, he didn't go to jail. The family basically washed it all away for him. And he's just, he's never had to deal with the consequences of his actions.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I, oh, he has. He has, dude. Not in the ways that, that society wants him to, but he's dealt with it. You know how I know? He lost his son. And he's too much of a coward to reckon with it. So what does he do? He tries to get you back by dumping a whole dump truck full of responsibilities in your front yard. The yard that you have worked really hard to make because he gave you nothing. How dare he show up with a dump truck and pull out in your front yard.

[Sean]

Thanks. Okay, I never had this conversation before. I don't know.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here, here's the exercise.

[Sean]

I want you to react, but I'm thankful.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Now, here's the exercise, okay? Listen to the exercise. I, I've, I, I, I've, I've recommended people do this before, and I'm gonna probably recommend this a thousand more times before the show is over. But here's what I want you to do, okay? I want you to go to a Lowe's or Home Depot when you get off shift, and I want you to get a roll of duct tape and I want you to get three cinder blocks, okay? And I want you to tear off a piece of duct tape on each one of those cinder blocks and I want you to Get a Sharpie. I want you to write on them. Never told me the truth in my house. Hurt and abused children. And you write whatever you know to be true. And I know you're soft pedaling what I. You know the stories that you grew up with. I know that. And I know that mom got out of there. I know brother has been through some kind of hell too, because he wouldn't be living his life if his nervous system wasn't haywire also, right?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, here. I want you to write them on that cinder block. And I want you to carry him around your yard. Are you on base? Are you off?

[Sean]

I'm off base.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Sean]

A while.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. I want you to carry them around in your backyard until your arms burn. And I want you to throw it on the ground and say the words out loud, I'm not carrying this anymore. And I want you to tear off that tape and throw it away. And then I want you to pick up the next one and go again. I want there to be a physical memory of, I set this down and I don't carry it anymore. This is my dad's sins. I'm not carrying them because they're not mine. You'll have your own. You'll screw stuff up. You'll have your own stuff to carry. But I'm not carrying that anymore. I'm not carrying his secrets. I'm not carrying his dirtiness. I'm not carrying it.

[Sean]

Okay, I will.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And here's one last thing I want to. I want to caution you about, okay? I think I've told us a thousand times on the show, I was doing IT practicum during my grad school, and we're. I'll just cut to the chase. One of the psychologists I was working with, he gave me. He gave me a really important piece of wisdom. We looked at a young kid and I said, hey, this one's going to be all right. And he goes, why do you think that kid's going to be all right? Kid had gone through hell. And I said, well, he's got straight A's. He's doing great. And he looked at me and said, john, straight A's can be a trauma response, too. Your need for control and for perfection and for external validation, for medals and for acknowledgments and for a home and then another home. And you're probably saving up to get a down payment to buy another home that won't fill that gap you have in the center of your chest. Okay? That will heal from the inside out when you're ready. My promise to you is it can heal. And it will be way harder than running 20 miles. But you can and you will bring peace to great, great grandkids that you will never meet if you heal that from the inside out.

[Sean]

Thank you, doctor.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is that fair?

[Sean]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, brother. You call me anytime. I'm gonna send you both my books here, just as a gift. I know it's just a small token, but I want you to read through them, okay? And I'll hook you up with them for free. You call me anytime, and I'll walk with you. Nothing breaks my heart more than somebody who hurts kids, followed only by somebody who abandons their kids. And this happened to. This happened. Both of this happened to you. And I'm sorry. And at the same time, I'm overcome with. With how proud I am of you and the steps you're taking to plant and tend to a new family tree. Generations from now, kids will bask in the shade of this new family tree because you did this work. You're gonna get burned, you're gonna have scars, and you will bring peace to future generations. I'm so proud that Thorne supplements, my favorite supplements on the planet, have continued to partner with me and our show listeners for health, longevity and just feeling good. Thorne is one of our longest standing partners on this show and it's because I trust them, I use them, I read their research papers and I know their products are great and that my fans will love them too. Here's the deal with supplements. There's so, so much garbage out in the marketplace. And other than my admitted gummy candy problem, I'm pretty freakish about what I put in my body. And that's why I trust my health and the health of my family with Thorn. Personally, I've been taking Thorn supplements for years and years, way before I was on the Internets with these shows and my wife and kids have been taking them as well. And here's what I take every single day. I take the super epa, fish oil, the methylated B vitamins, creatine, phosphatidylserine and more. I take Thorne for specific physiologic needs, for me to keep my body and mind optimized and for overall longevity and health. And here's the cool thing. We've set up an amazing opportunity for all of the listeners of the Dr. John DeLoney Show. 25% off everything in the Thorne store. And not just on your first visit, but every time you make a purchase through our page in our account. This isn't a sale. That's going to change from week to week. All you do is go online, create an account through my page, and you'll get 25% off from here on out. Forever. It's that easy. Go to thorn.com U. DeLoney. That's Thorne. T-H-O-R-N-E.com the letter U. DeLoney for 25% off every thing in the store. I trust Thorne. My family trusts Thorne. And you can trust Thorne too. All right, we're back. Kelly. Ah, that last call. Yeah, that was pretty heavy. Dads, man. I know all the research is focused on moms, but dads, man, dads are important. Extremely important, man. Dads are important. And I'm glad that most dads aren't like that. Let's sing a song. You go first. I don't think anyone needs that. You are correct. Half of the listeners of this show just clicked off. They're like, oh God, I would. Yeah, whatever. Y'all don't know this. In. In Kelly's office, she has this immaculate, huge corner office. She has a karaoke machine set up there. And on Thursday and Friday afternoons, she's. Her whole. Like one whole wall is all mirrors, as you. As you can imagine. And she sings karaoke. Mostly Nickelback and Creed. And she lets it rip. She lets it rip. She puts on these awkward tight jeans and she puts her feet up on like a monitor wedge. And she gets it in front of these mirrors. It's not bad. You're not. It's the moves I learned from you. Watching you in battle. The band. I do, I do a lot of. I do a lot of hip thrusting. I do. I don't mean to. It comes from way deep inside. It's all. Yeah, it's all the 80s metal. It's just. It's just kind of in there. But listen, you. You're not about a singer as you think you are. We all hear it all across the second floor, but you let it rip. All right. Hey, listen. It's the last day for you six people who are still here. Last day of the atomic Christmas sale. Questions for humans building a non anxious life. It's. It's like this is a chance to get. To get your friends great gifts, get your family great gifts that can actually help them in the new year and isn't going to break your bank. So go to ramseysolutions.com store. Last day of the sale. Make it count. Go be a good gift giver this year. And God help you, dude, if you have someone on your team at work that's got a karaoke machine. Just unplug it. Love you guys. Bye. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Peace.