My Husband Cheated and got an STI

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Husband Cheated and Got an STI
Date: September 26, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode dives into tough, real-life relationship and mental health challenges faced by listeners, featuring three main call-in segments. The central theme revolves around betrayal, trust, and navigating difficult family dynamics. Dr. Delony provides grounded, empathetic advice as callers seek guidance on infidelity and STIs, managing wealth differences in marriage, and setting healthy boundaries with children’s interests.

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Segment 1: Should I Stay with My Husband After Infidelity and an STI? (00:05–17:16)

Context

• Caller: Bianca, mother of a three-year-old and a two-month-old, recently discovered her husband's infidelity, use of multiple dating apps (including LGBTQ+ apps), and that he contracted HPV.
• Issue: Deciding whether to stay in the marriage after repeated betrayal, financial manipulation, and endangerment to her and her children.

Key Discussion Points

• Discovery:
  • Husband’s serial infidelity with both men and women, using dating apps throughout their 7.5-year relationship.
  • Recent diagnosis of HPV; Bianca has tested negative but is in ongoing uncertainty.
• Emotional Fallout:
  • Bianca struggles with guilt and self-blame.
  • Dr. Delony asserts the critical shift from "I lost him" to "He left you," highlighting the husband's responsibility.
    • "He left you. You didn’t lose him. And I hate to say this, but you’re not that powerful. He left you." – Dr. John Delony [03:25]
• Rebuilding vs. Leaving:
  • Acknowledgement that her marriage as she knew it is “over.” Now she must decide whether to build something new.
  • Bianca is scared; Dr. Delony validates this as a natural, healthy response.
  • Husband is seeking therapy and is sober for two months, but trust is shattered.
• Safety and Practical Concerns:
  • Bianca is financially dependent, has experienced financial abuse, no job or independent finances.
  • Dr. Delony urges her to pull her credit report to check for hidden debts in her name.
  • Suggests consulting a lawyer to explore options, even if only for information and empowerment.

Notable Quotes

• "The marriage you had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. The question is, are you going to be involved in building a new one with this man?" – Dr. John Delony [05:14]
• "Every year of your relationship has been a lie." – Dr. John Delony [09:08]
• "You're desperately trying to hang on to an imaginary thing that existed that never existed." – Dr. John Delony [09:19]
• "All the data points towards this will happen again." – Dr. John Delony [16:35]

Advice & Suggested Steps

• Rebuild trust in increments (60- to 90-day windows); avoid forever decisions while in crisis.
• Write down what MUST be true for safety and trust; revisit regularly.
• Take proactive financial steps (credit report, joint accounts, understand all debts).
• Consult a lawyer—knowledge can reestablish a sense of agency and safety.

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Segment 2: Embracing Spouse’s Newfound Wealth (21:05–34:23)

Context

• Caller: Woman whose husband is on the brink of “life-changing” wealth, bringing up discomfort about status, money, and her evolving role.

Key Discussion Points

• Emotional Response to Wealth:
  • Caller is not motivated by money, fears raising entitled children, and feels increasingly "small" and expendable as her husband’s wealth grows.
  • Husband’s increasing wealth highlights differences in their values and goals.
• Power and Transparency:
  • Money doesn't equal ease; it increases complexity and options.
  • Concern over not knowing enough about joint finances, particularly with husband's business ventures and gambling habits.
• Role and Identity Challenges:
  • Caller left her successful career to stay home, but resists hiring “help” around the house.
  • Feels loss of purpose and worries about being replaceable.
    • “I don't even know, like, what is my role...Like there's expendables.” – Caller [33:50]
• Communication as Crucial:
  • Dr. Delony encourages open dialogue about financial transparency, roles in the family, and values around raising children.

Notable Quotes

• "Money doesn’t make things easy. It gives you options, but things are complex and complex." – Dr. John Delony [22:48]
• "You have no idea what he does with his money." – Dr. John Delony [26:47]
• "If you have everything that you can just hire it out...I don't feel like I'm gonna have a purpose here." – Dr. John Delony [34:13]

Advice & Suggested Steps

• Engage in honest conversations before wealth becomes reality.
• Put all unspoken fears on the table, especially about purpose and financial independence.
• Explore joint financial planning and consider returning to work if desired.

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Segment 3: Navigating Boundaries—Teen Interest in Horror & Edgy Media (37:02–53:58)

Context

• Callers: Penny (mom) and Logan (17-year-old son).
• Dilemma: Supporting Logan’s love for horror, edgy music, and video games while maintaining the family’s Christian faith values.

Key Discussion Points

• Parent Perspective:
  • Penny grew up in a strict home (no secular music, no Halloween, etc.) and struggles with Logan’s fascination for dark media.
  • Seeks balance: respecting Logan’s interests without compromising family values.
  • Concerned about desensitization to real suffering versus fictional violence.
    • "I struggle with seeing the story arc in some of these movies...understanding redemption or lack of redemption.” – Penny [48:37]
• Teen Perspective:
  • Logan enjoys horror and metal for their creativity, design, and escapism rather than shock or fear.
  • Finds meaning in fantasy (Magic the Gathering, Lord of the Rings, etc.).
• Dr. Delony’s Mediation:
  • Praises Penny’s thoughtfulness and Logan’s maturity and curiosity.
  • Draws distinction between art with context and value versus nihilistic or gratuitous content.
  • Explains house rules: when living at home, subject to parental guidelines, but ongoing conversation is key.
• Long-Term Vision:
  • Stresses that meaningful influence comes through continued conversation as Logan matures—not control.

Notable Quotes

• "You are maybe the most thoughtful parent I've ever heard speak on this topic before." – Dr. John Delony [40:53]
• "When you live in someone's house, you're subject to the rules...just the truth." – Dr. John Delony [49:53]
• "The more you can make peace with that, quite honestly, the more you're going to have peace in your life." – Dr. John Delony [50:09]
• "When you get images in your head, they never leave...massive desensitization...there will be hell to pay for it. We're paying it right now." – Dr. John Delony [54:05]

Advice & Suggested Steps

• Keep lines of communication open; engage together with media where possible.
• Set boundaries rooted in relationship, not just authority.
• Foster trust; focus on intent and context behind media choices.

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Quick Take: Navigating Boyhood and Social Acceptance (58:17–62:23)

• Email: Jessica is a mother of three rambunctious boys, concerned her sons are excluded due to their wildness.
• Dr. Delony’s Input: Celebrate their energy, but teach "time and place" for roughhousing. There’s a balance between honoring a child's spirit and teaching social cues.

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Most Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Betrayal:
  “Every year of your relationship has been a lie.” [09:08]
• On Safety:
  “You have to know that every step along the way, he can say, this sucks, I’m out... and that means you’re going to have to begin asking questions, very unfair, very unbelievable questions, like about economic security.” [15:54]
• On Money in Marriage:
  “Money doesn’t make things easy. It gives you options, but things are complex and complex.” [22:48]
• On Parental Influence:
  “Your influence on him, I hope, lasts beyond 18. And any sort of lasting influence has to shift from I control you to… Hey, let’s talk about it.” [54:32]

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Takeaways

• Healing from betrayal and abuse is a process; safety and clarity about the reality are essential first steps.
• Wealth and shifting family roles require proactive, honest conversation about values, purpose, and partnership.
• Parental boundaries work best when rooted in empathy, understanding, and ongoing dialogue—not dogma or control.
• Dr. Delony's style is deeply empathetic but also direct, calling callers to face reality while validating the pain and complexity of their situations.

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Useful Resources Mentioned:

• Freecreditreport.com – For financial safety checks after partner’s betrayal.
• Therapy (BetterHelp sponsor mention): For individual and couples counseling.

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This episode balances compassionate listening with practical steps and tough truths—a signature of Dr. Delony’s supportive, no-nonsense approach to life’s hardest relationship questions.

Transcript

[Bianca]

I recently discovered that my husband's been using dating apps, including LGBTQ dating apps. It has led to him sleeping with someone receiving oral, and he was also just diagnosed with hpv.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Geez, what a mess. I'm sorry. What up? What is up? This is jon with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls from all over planet earth on your relationships, your mental and emotional health, your physical health, whatever you got going on. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's your next right move. Go to john deloney.com, ask if you want to be on the show. And please, please take two seconds and hit the subscribe button. If you're watching this on YouTube or if you're watching this, or if you're listening to this on podcast, whether it's on Spotify, whether it's on app, wherever you're listening to this, please just take a second and subscribe to the show. It makes such a huge, huge differ. All right, let's go to San Diego and talk to Bianca. What's up, Bianca?

[Bianca]

Hi there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Bianca]

It's going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Bianca]

All right, so I guess I'm calling today to see your thoughts on whether or not I should stay with my husband after his infidelity and betrayal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me more.

[Bianca]

Okay, so I recently discovered that my husband's been using dating apps, including LGBTQ dating apps, throughout our entire relationship. It has led to more recently him sleeping with someone, receiving oral, kissing another. And he was also just diagnosed with hpv.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you got tested yet?

[Bianca]

I have. We have a three year old and a two month old. So I had gotten my test done while I was pregnant. And then we also went to the doctors again and they said that I'm going to have to wait to get more tests, but as of now, I don't have any symptoms. I don't have. Everything was negative.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, HPV can hang around a while. Geez, what a mess. I'm sorry.

[Bianca]

Yeah. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What a nightmare. Yeah, I usually almost, almost exclusively. I won't tell somebody. You have to leave right now.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm asking you, but I don't mind asking questions that might open the doors for you to see, you know, your way in or out of. Out of a new situation. Tell me about your thoughts about why you would stay.

[Bianca]

Well, we do have our family, and I know that. I know that he loves me. I just. I think I lost him somewhere along the way to himself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let me change this, Let me change that language. Around. He left you. You didn't lose him. Yeah, and I hate to say this, but you're not that powerful. He left you.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you get that difference? That sounds like a semantics difference, but that's a massive psychological shift.

[Bianca]

Yeah, that's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because one, you're trying to figure out what you did wrong, that he would be out hitting the streets while you're creating humans.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The other is exhaling and realizing I'm powerless. And my husband chose while I was making humans inside my body to go endanger our entire family.

[Bianca]

Yeah, exactly.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I don't know. It's just.

[Bianca]

I guess it is. I mean, I know it has nothing to do with me. I. Like. Like you said, it's just that constant, like. Okay, well, what was I missing? What was I. And I know it wasn't me. And, like. I mean, we've. We're both in counseling. He's. He's fighting for us staying together and to keep our family together. And he's stepped up in many ways, and he's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have all the codes to his phone now?

[Bianca]

I do, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are all the apps off the phone?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yes.

[Bianca]

Everything's gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you seen his full test results?

[Bianca]

Yeah, he's. He's negative and everything. It's just. Just that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I guess the thing I would tell you is the marriage you had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. The question is, are you going to be involved in building a new one with this man?

[Bianca]

I think that's why I'm calling, because I guess I'm scared.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You should be.

[Bianca]

Yeah, you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You would be. Your innate safety systems would not be working. Well.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you weren't terrified.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He has a forever std, you know?

[Bianca]

Exactly. And that's what is terrifying for me, too, because he's had it. And of course, I mean, he was my husband or sexually active, and it's like, I don't know what. What the future holds, and if I do have it and it's dormant and like, I. It's just. It's so unfair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, That's a great word.

[Bianca]

Love. It has been very, very unfair. And. And it's not what I ever imagined to be going through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what must be true for you to be safe and to make sure you and these two kids are okay?

[Bianca]

Yes, I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, I'm asking you what must be true?

[Bianca]

Oh, how do you mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, do you have money? Do you have a job?

[Bianca]

No. So he's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a place?

[Bianca]

He's our main provider.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I.

[Bianca]

He. So there Was like, a little bit. There was financial abuse going on. He's the main provider, and he was trying to hide everything for me. So it was constantly, like, going back and forth, getting me, you know, joint bank accounts. And so once I finally, you know, confronted him and everything's been coming out, I demanded all of our banking information. And that's when I found out that all of the dating apps. And he was going to strip clubs while he was out of town. And he has a drinking problem. He's had a drinking problem.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

So have you pulled your credit report.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To see what he's taken out on in your name?

[Bianca]

No, he doesn't have that information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He 100% has that information.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Oh, one. No, I haven't 100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He has your name and Social Security number, which is all it takes to open up a mortgage, credit cards, a line of credit heloc. It's all it takes. So here's what I'm hearing. I'm hearing a woman that fully doesn't know what the bottom of this well is. Yeah, because you don't believe you have all the information, do you?

[Bianca]

I mean, yes. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That means no.

[Bianca]

I guess. I mean, he, you know, he. He's told me and gone into detail of everything that I've shared with you so far. Um, but I feel like. I don't know, that's like part of, like. Well, well, that questioning of, like, is that really everything is that, you know, this has been going on for so many years. We've been together for seven and a half years and married one, so it's like, I find it hard to believe that that's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you have to understand, every. Every year of your relationship has been a lie. A lie?

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not. I'm hearing somebody who is desperately trying to hang on to an imaginary thing that existed that never existed.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I don't know.

[Bianca]

It's just like I. I feel like that and then I can also tell.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Bianca]

And I'm not trying to justify or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no. It's a disorienting. Like, your whole world as you knew it is not what it was. Right.

[Bianca]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Feeling should be all over the place. What you know to be true should feel all over the place. You should be both pissed off at yourself for not seeing it and. Or knowing something wasn't right and just ignoring, like, all of that is true.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So there's not a road map here.

[Bianca]

Yeah. You know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you can write a road map for tomorrow.

[Bianca]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that starts with, can I trust You.

[Bianca]

I guess that's like, question if I would be able to build that trust.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Bianca]

And I think, like, of course, like how you said, like, my life is flipped upside down. I'm, like, constantly here and constantly there, getting pulled in every direction. And he's, you know, trying really hard. He's going to his individual therapy. We're doing couples therapy. He's two months sober now. He's going to be going to like an AA or some type of group.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you still haven't exhaled yet. Yet you're still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can't build in anything new until you've totally exhaled.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So maybe he did, man. Maybe he cleared the deck and told you everything. I can imagine a world where I almost. It's, it's. It's. This is going to sound insane if you've never been in the side of this. This hurricane, but the longer you can keep wondering if there's something else out there, the longer you can put off having to deal with this is what is true. Because you can keep some sort of an investigative hat on instead of just looking at the ash that was your life.

[Bianca]

Yeah. That's where I've been kind of coming to terms with if. It's just not necessarily something that I need to let go, but something that.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Like, I. I can't keep pushing and.

[Bianca]

Pushing and trying to find more, trying to investigate or discover more, I guess.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What. What else are you gonna find?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean. I mean, what else? You'd be like, ah, there it is. You know, I mean, like, what? Yeah, unless it's like a family member or something that he was with, like, I. Or like a close family friend or so I. I like, what else would you keep digging and digging and digging for?

[Bianca]

I guess it's like, if it really.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Is, like, if there's more people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Than the three you know about. Yeah, I guarantee you there is. Yeah, there's not a doubt in my mind. And there's not a doubt in your mind either.

[Bianca]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And I've told them that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Bianca]

I. I know, like, with everything that's happened and us talking and. And like I said, it has nothing to justify or clarify or. Or make anything that he's done. Okay. But I do know. I feel like there's childhood trauma that gives context.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. Context is not an excuse, but.

[Bianca]

Exactly, it's. It's not an excuse. It's a choice that he made repeatedly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now he's endangered the life and health of your Baby. And of you.

[Bianca]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm sorry.

[Bianca]

Thank you. It's definitely not been an easy pill to swallow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the. The place where I would start, if I were you is 60 to 90 today chunks. Because the temptation is to make forever declarations at this moment. Sometimes in the middle of a crisis, things go on a week by week or month by month basis. And so my challenge to you is to the best. You can clear the fantasy away and what you want so desperately to be true and just choose reality for a brief time. And you. I've only been able to do this. I've only seen people be able to do this with a pen and a paper. Write down, here's what is true and here's what must be true for us to establish or re. Establish trust in the next 30 days. And then in 30 days we're going to reevaluate or 90 days. Here's what must be true. No phone, no access to the checking account. I just simply don't trust you at all. You spent this much money at strip clubs, you spent this much money on dating apps to go hook up with other people. You still haven't been honest with me. You don't have tons of dating apps over six years, spend your away time in. In strip clubs and only get caught with the two or three people in your. Like, that's just not how that works.

[Bianca]

Yeah, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. It's just not. I mean, just is what it is. But what must be true for the next 60 days and you get to change your mind.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And then in 60 days, say, let everybody know, in 60 days we're gonna re. Come back to this table and I'm gonna give you a new road map for reestablishing trust. And you have to know that every step along the way, he can say, this sucks. I'm out. I'm not doing that. Not giving you my phone. I'm not. I'm not sharing the checking account numbers with you anymore. And that means you're going to have to begin asking questions right now. Very unfair, very un. Unbelievable questions. Like about economic security. You're gonna have to go get a job potentially. You're gonna have to have some way to support yourself if this happens again. And all the data points towards this will happen again.

[Bianca]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then you get 60 days, and then you get 60 more days after that. And then maybe you get 120 days after that. But we're gonna slowly. If this thing's gonna make a run, we're gonna slowly rebuild trust and while you're writing out on this list, like what must be true for me to reestablish trust, I need you home. No phones in the house. No fill in the blank. By the way, pull your credit report before. Right, right. When you get off this call, there's three free credit reports. Hang on the line and we'll get you the email address to them, but you can pull them and they're free. Kelly, what are they?

[Kelly]

Well, you can go to free credit report dot com.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's it. Freecredit report dot com. It'll pull credit reports from all three reporting agencies. And you can just get a broad look about any debt that has been pulled in your name and everything you owe. You may say, I'm not interested in rebuilding this thing. It never was what I thought it was, and there's not enough. Like, what I thought was metal is just rusted dust, and I can't rebuild this. Or, all right, we're going to rebuild it. Here's what must be true. And maybe he meets 60 days, then he meets the next 60 days, and then he meets 120 days, and all of a sudden you look up and he's six months sober, and y' all are making this thing work. But I'm not going to tell you yes or no. I'm going to tell you the odds are very much stacked against you because you've got somebody who's quote, unquote, got caught. You've got someone who may or may not have given you an std, maybe may or may not have given your baby an std, and he still hasn't told you the full truth, and you don't have all the answers. So it's hard when you're still swimming before you put your feet on the ground, and you gotta put your feet on the ground before you stand all the way up and begin to rebuild something. So, Bianca, you call me anytime you want to, and I wish you the best. I have it in my guts that you would leave if you knew a way to do that, financially, relationally, legally. And so maybe sitting down with a lawyer and asking, what would this even look like? Not that you're gonna leave, but just so you have some information, because I've hearing a woman who feels like you've got no options and no moves, and I want to reestablish your safety with information and with relationships. You got to have a couple of women in your life that you call a therapist you reach out to that will walk with you during this really difficult time. Thanks for the call, sister, call. Anytime we can help, we come back. A woman asks how to embrace her husband's newfound wealth. All right, here we are. We are in the fall. Summer is gone and the days are getting shorter and school is back in action. In the Q4, work stresses are hitting hard and everybody is finding themselves wanting to numb out a little bit more and a little bit more. We all have to be intentional about protecting our sleep because sleep is a massive part of how good or how not good we feel. And when our bodies aren't resting, our minds can't reset. It's one of the most important things we do to stay mentally sharp and emotionally ready and overall healthy so we can show up for our families, our kids and our teams at the office. And this is why I keep talking about Helix. I love Helix. They build mattresses made for you, not the generic average sleeper. Whether you're a hot sleeper or a side sleeper or a back sleeper or somewhere in between. Helix designs mattresses around your needs, yours. Get online and take the Helix sleep quiz just like I did. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress. And right now, my audience can get an excl exclusive 25 off during their extended Labor Day sale. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 25 off site wide. That's Helix H E L I X helixsleep.com DeLoney and tell them you heard about it right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. Let's go to the five. One two. Just got back last night from Austin, Texas and talked to Annie. What's up, Annie?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Hey, John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great. How are you?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Good. I've got a little bit of a probably, maybe silly question compared to some of your other calls, but I can't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Get any sillier than some of the calls I get. Here you are. You're all right. What's up?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

We'll try it. How do I change my relationship with her or attitude towards money and wealth? And the context is my husband is on a very clear two to three year path to, you know, life changing generational wealth, which is awesome. Like, it's been a big life goal of his. Like, he's gonna succeed. It's gonna be awesome. Also, I don't know, it's only a number until, like, it's real, but, like, it's just not what I want and it, like makes me scared of what the future holds. I've just never, ever, ever wanted money like that. And it just. I don't know what to do about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have you been married?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Seven years. Seven years?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How after almost a decade, are y' all just having this conversation that your two life goals are this far apart?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Well, it's. He. When we got together, he already. He was already independently wealthy. He already had one business. He was making it. I had a successful career. I was very happy with it. I would call us right now, we're just happily upper middle class. And I'm happy with it. He's always had this goal, and I'll be honest, but, like, how often does someone succeed at that level? It's not that I didn't believe him. It was like, I'm. I can be there for you if and when. Like, it doesn't matter if you don't make it. Like, I love you. It doesn't matter if you don't make that much money. I love you. But, like, he's actually gonna make it. And you know, that's. I don't know. How many people did it actually happen to? I think that was just my thinking.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why does. Why does money scare you?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I just feel like it's like when everything gets so easy because money makes things easy. When it gets so easy, like, how do you still.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, sister. It doesn't make things easy. It gives you options. It does not make things easy. It gives you tons of options. But, man, yeah, things are complex and complex and on top of complex.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah, Yeah. I guess it's just more like it just. You're right, you're right. Maybe in the day to day living, like, things feel easy. Like, you can have convenience, you can have all that type of stuff. And I think I'm trying to protect my kids from that. I don't want them like, growing up with that. And he agrees with that. So, like, we're on the same page with that. But, like, I don't know how that looks. I don't know how to keep discipline when it's just everything can be at your fingertips. Like, I just don't know how to set that up and keep us all on the right path of what I feel like is the right path for, like, our characters and who we are when there's so much access to anything and everything at all at any time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so this tells me two things. Either A, and maybe both A, you already see signs of concern with who your husband is and this is going to pour gasoline on that, or you grew up with a relationship with money where it was those people spent money on that kind of crap. And we, us, we don't do that. That's not who we are.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah. So I was probably what people would consider silver spoon. Growing up myself, private, elite high school, college paid for by my parents. But we were around much more money than we had, so it was like we kind of were forced to be the responsible ones about the money around the people who were doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You all had to go on budget ski trips to Aspen.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yes. No, it was not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You had to share a private jet instead of just take your own.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

But, yes. I mean, we're around, like, celebrities, and, like, that's the world we grew up in, and that wasn't us. And so I think I just internalized, like, just. We just didn't have that, but all of our friends and all of the people around us did. So I. I don't know if I just internalized, like, how to be responsible with it or just like, that's just not me. I don't know what it was, but it's just, I've never been motivated by money ever. Like, it's just not been my motivator whatsoever. Like, never asked for a raise, a job that I had a very good Payton job at. Just given. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, okay, but that doesn't make. That doesn't. Rich Mullins is a famous theologian, and you may not even be a person of faith, but I love his statement. He said, Christians are often as proud of the things they don't have as people of immense wealth are of the things they do have.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's the same pathology, just on the other side of the barbell.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when I was driving an old, old, old used truck, not a cool one, but, like an embarrassing one. The number of times someone will pull up next to me in Alexis, and I'd be like, I can't believe that, man. That was me. That was my problem. That was my story that I invented about that person. Because I don't know if that person gave away $25 million and if that's a used look. I don't know. I don't know their story. Right, right, right. The only thing you can control is who you are going to be with or without resources. And so let me talk to you about, like, talk to me about your husband. What signs are you already seeing that. Oh, he is. This is not going to be good. This is going to be given somebody who struggles with alcoholism a big case of expensive bourbon.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

No, I'd say there's two. One is, even at our convenience, is just like, key Down. So, like, a little bit of laziness. I think that might, like, scares me a little. And then two, this one's not out of control. I know what you think about gambling, but he sports bets on the side. Like, it's not out of control right now. Right. Like, I. I know it's not. But again, when you have access to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all share your money.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

In effect. Yes, we have a shared account. He owns businesses, though, so a lot of it moves in out of those that I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's come to it. Let's be honest as we can. Okay. Let's be transparently honest. You have no idea what he does with his money.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Not all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you don't know. And I would not have a career in front of a microphone or off a microphone if people who thought, no, this particular thing is under control.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have something in your spirit that says, I just don't know.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah. It's a question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's, like, what I would love for you to do is money is just a symptom. Money's just. It's a. It's a. I don't know. I mean, it's a. It's a tool. The bigger question is beginning to ask yourself, who are we? Who is he? Who am I going to become now, right now in this marriage? What would happen to us if the job. If suddenly they launch an AI app tomorrow that eats your husband's business and it goes away? Right. Who knows? Or if he is the chief shareholder of Nvidia and he's going to cash out in a couple years, you're not going to have a trillion. Like, either way, y' all have to still look at each other across the table and say, who are we going to be?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you are feeling unsafe as this thing gets bigger and bigger, then you got to be able to put that on a table. And if your marriage partner's all in with you, both feet in the boat, then they got to be able to hear that and say, okay, what must be true for us to both feel safe in this deal.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a fear that he's going to cash out and he's going to cash all the way out of you two.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Is it a fear specific to him? No. Is it a fear that, like, that happens?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Have you ever said that to him?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What other fears have you not said to him?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

That is more about the kids and how they'll grow up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I would love for y' all to have that conversation right now. Are you already seeing signs of my kids aren't gonna work, my kids aren't picking up their own clothes, we'll hire somebody. Are you already seeing that?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

No, but like, not specifically kids, but more like he's like, let's get living help. Where I'm like, I don't. I don't want them to have, like, I don't want it myself, and I don't want that for them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so ask the question, beneath the living help, what would live and help provide for us?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

For him? Convenience. And not having to do the work.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And putting it on the table saying, hey, it's a big value of me that our kids are modeled, that even when you have all the money in the world, you still do your own laundry. How old are your kids?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

11 months and four.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God. I was gonna say if they're 16 and 18, y' all can wait for two years and then get whatever you want. But like, okay, y' all are just starting from the floor.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

11 months and four. That tells me you're seeing things already that you don't. Like.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I've just heard that line. Maybe you just said, or maybe you said it before, that like money exacerbates things. And I'm just. Yeah, I'm. I don't know what that means and what that looks like for us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'm interested. I'm curious about your fear of. Because you have an 11 month old now, you have a new marriage. What about the. The, like inviting another human into the house has made you really concerned.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Like, it literally is that it changes the dynamic of your family. Like, why I wouldn't want another human in here where it's like I would be tiptoeing around like I couldn't be myself if there's someone else here, you know, like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm curious about why. Why you're apprehensive to say that.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Well, I have. I mean, he would have live and help defeat now if he could. I've said no so far. So that one is on the table. Because that's the most extreme. Because that's just the easiest to say. It's the most extreme. It's easiest to say no to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he help with diapers?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

He helps. When asked. He helps with dishes. He helps. He does trash. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And I'm asking that just to ask. I'm trying to get to the core of your question because I'm hearing a woman who's increasingly feeling less safe in her own Skin.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes when people have kids. This happened in my house when we had kid one and then kid two. I didn't know what to do. I felt so useless in my own house. I tried to solve that through work. Now I was working in education, so I wasn't gonna ever make life changing money. But like I, I was just doubling down on that. But that's what I'm trying to get at. It doesn't sound like that's the case here.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

No, I don't think. I mean, I mean, what do. So even as of right now, I had a great career which chose myself to walk away from the career to take the care of the kids right now. But like, even if I wanted to go back, like, I can't go back. I mean, like, if we're gonna have that money, it's silly and stupid. Like, so the kind of that has been decided for me too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Said who?

[Bianca]

No one.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

But like, who has a, who has that money and has a wife to work? I mean, like, that's just not the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Vast majority of people I work with.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And have worked with for my whole career. I'm not saying it's right or wrong. I'm just saying that narrative isn't, isn't a true story. That's a story that you've told yourself and that might be one of your values and that's great. But if increasingly you being out of the workforce and your husband sort of sharing money, but I don't really know how things are working and I just keep hearing these more zeros getting added on to the sale of this potential business one day and you're increasingly feeling less and less and less safe, then I want to put that on the table. And I don't know that going back to work cures it, but it might.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or the fear of money may be just where your anxiety dart game landed. And you're feeling more and more anxious as. As you feel less and less control of your own life.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah. That's probably more. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's the fear. My fear is you solve the money thing. Like y' all get. He's like, ah, fine, dude, I'm a great. Maybe he's a great guy. Like, yeah, they will put all in the same account. You can sell my business accounts. That's no problem. And it will just move to the next thing because you're not dealing with the core issue, which is I'm feeling less and less purpose, less and less skills or I don't know, this is me just spitballing here, throwing spaghetti against the wall. But if you quit a high paying job where you were very successful to be a stay at home mom, then your husband comes home and is like, I want to hire some help full time. I can imagine being like, well, crap, what did I just do? You know what I mean? Like, yeah, I'd feel pretty small.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah, I think that's a good way to put it. Like, I just don't even know, like, what is my role? There it is in that scenario. Like there's expendables.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, there it is. You said it.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you have everything that you can just hire it out.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now you're married to somebody who's got resources to the end of the moon and back. And even your language. He's going to make a lot of money.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would love, if it's, if it's safe, I would love for you to be able to sit at the table and say, hey, with all of these resources that are coming our way with you wanting to hire help that I quit my job to really take on, if we're going to hire private tutors and private schools and, and like, I'm beginning to feel expendable in my own house. I don't feel like I'm gonna have a purpose here. So have the conversation now before the big check comes. It's much easier to have this conversation philosophically when there's so much more on the table before all that money starts coming in. Thanks for the call. And if you, hey, if you just get a ton of money, you don't know what to do with it. Hang on the line, I'll get you my Venmo. And you can just send it this way. I would give some to Kelly. She's so old, she doesn't even have Venmo. She's not worth. I'll write her a check. I'll cut her a check. That would probably be good. And she can put under her mattress with the rest of her coins and her, her T bills. Thank you so much for the call. You are awesome. We come back, a mother and a son ask for help on how to agree on watching horror movies in a faith based home. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. You know, emotional boundaries, relational, financial. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about boundaries in your digital life right now. Your personal information, like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school, sitting on countless gnarly websites that you have never heard of and you didn't Give them permission to have that information. But it's out there. And let's be honest, that's not just annoying, that's violating. That constant exposure creates this low level hum of anxiety in the background of all of our lives. Something always feels off. Somebody's always watching us or trying to profit off of us. That's why I use Delete Me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. They track down your info and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they did. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries and it's about peace. So go to joindelete me.com/deloney to save 20% off so that you can have digital boundaries and digital peace. That's joinedelete me.com/deloney. All right, let's go out to Penny in Denver, Colorado. Hey, Penny. What's up?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Up? Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. All right, I'm gonna bring on Logan here. Is Logan your son, Penny?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yes, Logan is my son.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is he?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

17.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, this is going to be fantastic. All right, I'm gonna bring on Logan here. Logan, you there?

[Logan]

Yeah, I'm here. Hey, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, dude, you sound like you're 36. That's fantastic. I talked like this until I was like, 28. That's great, man. All right, so we got Penny and Logan, everybody. Penny, you go first. How can I help?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Okay, well, I just want to throw out there that I've been listening since you started. And so Logan's been raised on Dr. John. In a sense, he's gone through.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry, Logan. I'm sorry.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

So this is my question, and he was actually the one that suggested we were having a conflict around horror. And he was the one that actually suggested that I gave you a call because he said, well, Dr. John listened to crazy music and maybe you should call him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Logan, I am profoundly not well. I don't know why you would call me any. But. All right, let's do this.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

All right, so the question is, what are your thoughts and suggestions on how to support our son's interests and passions at 17 while keeping him safe and holding true to our values and beliefs? In this case, when it comes to horror movies, violent video games, and edgier, questionable music?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, okay. And cologne. Why'd you do this to me, man? All right, so, Penny, tell me. Give me the backstory here.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Okay, so we are a Faith based family. And I was lucky enough to grow up in a very strict Christian home. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you saying lucky facetiously? Are you saying lucky like you really feel lucky?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

It was both. It was definitely both. But I mean, we didn't celebrate Halloween. There was the devil's house. Secular music in the house. There was, yes. There was no Steven Spielberg in the house.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So there was no Harry Potter, I'm assuming. Huh.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Definitely no Harry Potter.

[Bianca]

I mean, I'm.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

That was past my, my time. And so that was the, that's where I've. That's my background. And so we, we had this little boy who began showing interest in darker things probably starting at the age of three. Started with pirates, and then it was skeletons and skulls and all the Egyptology things. And it's just kind of moved on from there. And, and so my husband and I have tried, we've worked really hard to try to meet him in the middle, but it's still very uncomfortable and it's really, really hard to navigate what's okay and what's not okay without making Logan feel like he's being dismissed or his interests are not being valued or. Yeah. And then at the same time, some of it really is really concerning stuff. But now we're at 17 and so he's almost an adult. And how do we continue to have these conversations? We do a lot of like, looking up reviews and I have him read the reviews before he does them and we make sure that, you know, certain movies are maybe not overly sexualized or there's not child possession of demons and things like that, but it's still, it's still a conflict. And it's been a conflict for years with music, with video games, and with horror.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, Penny, before I talk to Logan, can I just say this? You are maybe the most thoughtful parent I've ever heard speak on this topic before. Meaning it's easy to be dismissive and it's me. It's easy to lack empathy just on basic human curiosity, especially with young folks. And it's also really humbling for a parent to say, this is how I was raised and these are my values. And maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture here, but I do feel strongly about something and almost I, I've never heard somebody articulate like you just did, which is you don't want to dismiss Logan and the things he's into and the things he finds exciting or interesting. At the same time, there's something in your guts that says, like, I don't know why someone would Put this in there in their, in their mind. So high five to you. Good for you. All right, Logan, tell me about you brother.

[Logan]

Hey, John. Yeah, so, you know, I've been an avid horror fan for a while. You know, it's always been like, there's only like a really short period where I was a kid, the stuff actually scared me. And then I started finding it cool more than scary.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Logan]

And it's just, you know, it's been like. And especially, you know, with like, I'm metalhead, you know, all the way. Love, love heavy metal. And it's just been, I don't know, it's something that's, you know, been more difficult to try to explain why I find this stuff interesting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. When you say. When you say it doesn't scare you anymore and now it's just cool. What's cool?

[Logan]

Like, I find instead of like, you know, let's say you're watching a horror movie and there's some creepy monster crawling down the hallway. And instead of being like, oh, you know, I don't like that. That's, you know, scary or like getting up the scare factor, I look into it, look, you know, like, I like his design. I like how it moves. It's really cool. That's a really cool idea for a monster. Never thought about it being, you know, you know, looking like that or. I just love the way it looks, the way, you know, the thought that went into it. Because the monster itself, I think is interesting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about your love of aggressive music.

[Logan]

I don't know. I've always liked like power metal. It's in my favorite.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Logan]

Genre of metal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, I like top three favorite bands go.

[Logan]

Oh, let's see your Sabaton, Power Wolf and Iris Penny.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's a lost cause. I'm sorry to tell you. Spans are just not good. I'm just kidding, Logan. Just kidding. Yeah, it's not, it's not the content. They're just not good bands. But anyway, I'm just playing. Logan, I'm messing with you. So trying to think of, of an avenue here often when here's been my experience. I grew up in a strict faith based home, okay. And I remember watching a scary movie at some point and my dad, the homicide detective, I remember him saying, I can't imagine somebody watching that for entertainment. And he said that from a place that he saw whatever movie was on, happened to be on. He saw that in real life. And so I remember being like, oh, gosh, yeah, you're right. And that's like this what you're talking about, like, oh, dude, I can't believe how they pulled that off, especially when it comes to monsters or gore. Like, it was a. It was a. This sounds so dorky. Like, there was an artistic kind of. I want to see how then why they did that. But when I begin to peel back, like, why am I. Two parents are still married, I've got good friends, I've got good community. Why on Christmas Day, every Christmas for 16 straight years, I went to downtown Houston and was part of a punk rock show. And I could have been with my family around the fire, right? And when I. We didn't have a fire, but when I dug into it, that form of extreme stuff was the only place where I had any sort of feeling alive. And I didn't find it in other places. I didn't even find it. I. I did find it in some competitive sports. But I remember being. I was a Texas high school football player. Dude, there'd be like 7, 000 people watching every one of our games, but I'd watch my. My. My fellow teammates, like banging their heads on lockers before the game. I remember being like, dude, we're playing a game. What are we. What are you doing? Right? And so. But that was a place where I fell alive. So get beneath the artistic and like, the explanation. What does this stuff do inside your chest? I'm interested in that. And maybe your experience is different than mine.

[Logan]

Like, could you like, kind of explain what you mean a little more?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where else do you feel alive then when the music is pulsing on a movie and you know a bad guy's coming and you know, you've. You've. Somebody texted you and said, dude, this one. Or you read on the Internet, like, hey, this one is super gory, or this one's really craz. Where else do you feel alive outside of that environment or at a metal show?

[Logan]

So I'm also a extremely legged. Is. My main hobby is magic, the gathering.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Logan]

So I play that. That's, you know, every, you know, I love, love playing that with just about anyone. Okay, I'll teach just about anyone, you know, just because I love it so much. But that's definitely a place definitely, you know, with like certain friends and yeah, those are like. And then, yeah, I would say those are mostly the main places.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So this idea, like, you love fantasy and escapism and new worlds and new creations and all that. Okay. And mom, what about that? You say it's really makes you uncomfortable. What is it? What about it makes you uncomfortable?

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I Think the things that make me feel uncomfortable are desensitization to what's like to true horror and to true suffering.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Logan definitely struggles with being encountered with real suffering and will actively avoid that, whether that's on a news program or something like that. I've observed that that makes him very uncomfortable. And so my husband and I, we don't understand the inconsistency of being able to sit with something that can be so grotesque on the screen, but having such a hard time sitting with human suffering around him. So that's one thing that makes me feel uncomfortable. I think often there is horror for the sake of horror, and there is no. Like, we talk with Logan a lot about context. Like, there needs to be context to what you're watching. So is there. What is the storyline? How is the story arc? How are the characters developed? One thing we did do is we watched the whole Stranger Things series together, and I think both of us. And we read Harry Potter together. That was a little earlier, but, like, I didn't read Harry Potter. There's all this hype around Harry Potter. And then I read it, and I would say our family is an avid Harry Potter family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

And we were able to. Good and evil, clearly defined. Also flawed characters, how they grew, how they changed. So I think that I struggle with seeing the story arc in some of these movies and video games, understanding redemption or lack of redemption.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's no redemptive value to it.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

I know that there is some, but I struggle with finding it more.

[Bianca]

Like, I know that there's.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

There, you know, there are some great authors, Ted Decker and Frank Peretti, and they are able to shine a light on darkness, and they're able to illuminate that and help people understand the difference between direct and light.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I mean, in some case. Yeah, I get that in some cases, but. And again, that's gonna. Like, they're. They're trying to attempt to arc you back to a particular faith belief. Right. But, like, I get what you're saying. Here's the impasse y' all are going to find yourself, Logan, when you turn 18.

[Logan]

Next July.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And are you going to school? Are you in a senior right now?

[Logan]

I'm a junior. And we. I do homeschool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, so you homeschool. So when you go to college, are you going to college?

[Logan]

I'm not entirely sure yet. Kind of still deciding that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's the world you find yourself in, and I'll tell you, the more you fight this, the more unnecessary chaos and frustration and rage you're going to bring to your life and to your parents, fortunately or unfortunately. I'll go with fortunately. But you live in their house. And so when you live in somebody's house, you, you say. You, you say, and you're 17. You're not even 18 yet, so you have to. But I, I'm gonna live here, which means I'm gonna be subject to the rules. I work at this place, which means I gotta dress a certain way. Not super great, but sorta. I gotta like, sort of be on time, right? Like I, I, I subject myself to this set of rules so I get the benefits of a paycheck, right? That is the worst thing a 17 year old can hear from an old man like me. But that's just the truth. And if you choose to go to trade school after that and live two more years at mom's house rent free, it will come with whatever crazy restrictions they choose to put on you. And so there's just a metabolizing of that. Like, you're right. If y' all don't want me watching X or watching Y, I, I, I don't like it. But I get it. Because this is your house. And the more you can make peace with that, quite honestly, this, you're gonna have more peace in your life. On the other side of it. Penny, I will tell you, there is a natural. I would love to look for outlets because Logan sounds like a kid, like a young man who is interested in. All right, Logan, are you artistic? I don't even. I'm talking to you like you're not here. Are you into art? And art, like, tell me about that.

[Logan]

A little bit, on and off. I mean, I used to be a lot more. And then, I don't know, I just never, like, practiced all that much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about fantasy stuff. Like, what is it about fantasy that you love? The escapism?

[Logan]

I don't know, it was like fantasy is like, I don't know, it always, it almost scratches an itch for me. Like, it's not even, like, about, like, getting out of my own world or whatever. It's just that I enjoy the setting and the characters and, like, the, you know, story arcs that fantasy follows just so much. And I'm not entirely sure why. Like, you know, I love Lord of the Rings. I love almost all of Brandon SANDERSON Stuff. Love C.S. lewis, everything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You could see the nerds in the booth back here pumping their fists. Dude, they're all cheering back here, by the way. So, Penny, if nothing else, I work with a group of guys who are atomic nerds and they're great men that I would trust my kids with. They. They've all grown up. Well, there's one guy in the booth back here that I wouldn't trust on my kid, but other than that, everybody's doing pretty good. But, like, so, Logan, I want to honor that. I think that's awesome. I think that's cool. My challenge to you would be a looking for places where you can plug into real people. That's why, like, I think the. What is it? Magic the Gathering. I wouldn't know a Magic the Gathering card if somebody put in front of me, but every time I hear about co workers of mine or friends of mine, whatever, playing, I love it because they get together, other people sit around a table.

[Caller (Money & Wealth Concern)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I personally am completely out on chaotic first person shooter games. Unless you're going to head to the military and become a drone operator. And the. The connection, the connective tissue there is just not. It's not healthy. And I could do a whole other thing about that, but we don't need to bore you with that right now. And now they're all booing me back there in the booth. They're like, boo.

[Logan]

And I only at the moment, I only have one. Only, like, it was one game that was a hard one battle, but I got it at the end. And I've played to that game very many times, but I only just have the one game at the moment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I guess the best thing I could encourage you guys to do is to continue these conversations. Penny. And encourage you and your. Because y' all are having the right conversations. And I love the fact that you're like, fine, we're all going to read Harry Potter together. And you're like, oh, my gosh, this is amazing. And Logan, I hope that you will honor your. Your parents when they say, like, hey, I'm making up movies here. Silence of the Lambs is a masterpiece, and it's pretty dark and there's some redemption at the end. And that's different than Beastmaster 19, Return of the Slaughter fest. Right? Like, there's just. There's differences there. Right? And people can go through their whole life with neither of those films in their minds, but there is something to be said for one of those is just pure, non redemptive garbage. And one of those is maybe not good for the soul, but there is a darkness and a. An arc to it. Like. Like you said, Penny. So I guess where I get concerned for both of you is if you both give up on Each other. I don't want to be in the position to say, or I'll just say I don't want. I'm not going to be in the position to say these movies are okay. These movies are not okay. I will tell you that Logan's about to be 18 and your influence on him, I hope lasts beyond 18. And any sort of lasting influence has to shift from I control you because legally you can't do anything in this house to like you've been doing. Hey, let's read the reviews, let's talk about what about this even is appetizing or appealing or I'm going to watch the first 15 minutes of this with me and you got to explain why this is even a thing. And so, because we're going to shift and Logan, it's you choosing, which is a nutty thing to ask a 17 year old, you choosing to believe even when it doesn't feel like it. My mom and dad care about my mind in my spirit. And dude, when you get some images in your head, they never leave. And this massive desensitization that's happened across our culture, dude, there will be hell to pay for it. There's no question about it. We're paying it right now. Everything seems to be not real when we see it through a screen. And there's a lot of real live hurt and pain going on in the world that we just don't feel anymore because it's all melted away on the screen. So I'd say this, keep struggling with this thing together. And Penny, that's not an easy answer. And Logan, that's not an easy answer. But the struggle tells me you're still engaging in relationship and you're still going back and forth. And sometimes, Penny, you're gonna go, fine. And sometimes, Logan, you're gonna have to say, I don't like it, but I trust my mom and dad that they love me and they're trying to keep garbage out of my spirit, man. So best of luck to you. Good luck. And if you solve that, let me know. Actually, you won't solve it, so you don't have to let me know. Thank you so much for the call. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Most of us are guilty of over sharing with the wrong person at one time or another. Or maybe you're like me and you're just a bit of an oversharer all the time. Let's be honest, our entire culture is based on oversharing and everyone is giving everyone else mental health advice all of the time. Some of it may be good, but a ton of the advice floating around is nonsense. And as fun as it can be to talk about everyday stuff with everyone you meet, when you need help with relationships, anxiety, depression, or other clinical issues, they may not have the right answers. You may need real guidance from a licensed therapist who follows a strict code of conduct. And that's why I recommend reaching out to my friends at Better Help. Better Helps, the largest online therapy provider in the world. And that means no matter what you're facing, chances are they've got someone who specializes in exactly what you're struggling with and it's totally online. And that means it's easier to fit therapy into your busy schedule. To get started, just answer a few simple questions, nothing weird or scary, and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who fits your needs. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time for no extra cost. BetterHelp has been matching people with therapists for over a decade, and they know what they're doing. So find the right one. With better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L p.com/deloney all right, Kelly, Am I the problem?

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Jessica in Charleston, South Carolina. She writes, I'm 35. I have three young boys, 5, 6, and 7. They're very close in age, and they're just boys. They fight and wrestle, play with swords, play ninja pirate, and tumble around all the time. They're not fighting like they hate one another. They love play, fighting and rolling around. They're loud, they're filthy most of the time. They rarely wear shoes outside. You get the picture. They're also polite and they do well in school and they make friends easily. But I'm starting to see a trend of moms not inviting my boys to things because we, quote, unquote, can't handle all three. Or only inviting one boy or saying that my boys are just too wild. Am I hurting them socially by allowing them to have fun with wrestling and fighting, or am I trying to befriend the wrong moms?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, great question. This is hard to answer without knowing them because I know there's a context there, but I in the way she wrote that email, she I hear a mom who is loving the life she's creating for her rambunctious, wild boys. And I guess I want to honor that. And I don't ever want someone to quash the spirit of somebody at the same time, wrestling and rambunctiousness and fighting has a context. And equally important when you're raising young boys is what my wife is kindly termed time and place, which is, I fully understand that you and Hank need to crash into each other, and for some reason you have to make those jokes that I just don't think are funny, but you all seem to think they're hilarious. But he also needs to learn there's a time and place that you don't do that at a dinner table. You don't do that at a friend's house. When you walk into somebody's house, you take your shoes off and you say, yes, ma' am and no, no, ma', am, and you're shaking like so. That may be the missing link here, which is there's a fine line between celebrating the rambunctiousness that is young boys and being feral. And there's a fine line between being respectful and. And being. What's the right word? The word just left my head. Being compliant, like, I'm gonna squash who I am to make you happy. Right. And so I guess I need more context with those boys, but hopefully that framework helps. What do you think?

[Kelly]

I understand. And I mean, in her friend's defense, probably taking all three of them would be a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, you know, that's a good point. Like, as kids get older, there is. They're gonna have like the 8 year old's gonna have. There's a big difference between 6 and 8 and 8 and 10. Then there is 4 and 6. Right. So that is going to happen more and more and more as they get older. And you'll have a younger son whose big brothers are starting to leave and go do other stuff and he's going to get mad and upset. Well, that's just. That's life right there. So there. You're exactly right.

[Kelly]

Yeah. I think someone expecting to take all three of your children, whether they're perfect little angels or, you know, rambunctious boys, is a lot. So you invite them over or. Because they also do need to learn to play with other. Other children, abide by the rules at that person's house. But when they're at your house, let.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Them rip at it. Yeah, yeah. I don't think that's the time or. Right, yeah, that's the time and place. Yeah. And we all know snooty other parents who are like. And so, no, if somebody's looking down their nose at your child or more specifically at you, they're opting out. If somebody's calling out behaviors and actions in your own kids that drive you crazy that you know is a problem, then you got to deal with those.

[Kelly]

Right. Or if they're calling out bullying or your child's rough housing went too far.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, they're breaking stuff in my house. Yeah.

[Kelly]

They're hurting my child, then that's a different thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My mom got many of those phone calls from neighborhood mothers growing up. Gosh, so many of them. And it's important to learn time and place, right? So good call. Yeah. There's not really am I the problem here on this one? I need more context to really be able to make a call. But I do love the question and every parent has some time for reflection and the more parents reflect, man, the better we are all going to be. Thank you so much for the calls. Love you guys. Stay out of trouble. Bye.