My Husband Disgusts Me

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – "My Husband Disgusts Me" (July 6, 2026)

Host: Dr. John Delony
Producer/Co-Host: Kelly
Episode Type: Caller-driven, real conversations about marriage, mental health, family, and faith
Topics: Marital hygiene issues, emotional disconnect, marital repair, parenting teens and LGBTQ issues, self-reflection, and practical relational tools

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Episode Overview

This episode is a deep dive into some of the most vulnerable and complex issues facing families and marriages. Dr. John Delony takes calls from three listeners:

• Liz, who struggles with her husband’s chronic lack of hygiene and an emotionally distant marriage.
• Ray, a husband who admits to having emotionally checked out of his marriage and wants to break a negative relational cycle.
• Emily, a mother who discovered her 15-year-old daughter is dating another girl and seeks guidance on boundaries while affirming love.

Throughout, Dr. Delony emphasizes the need for honesty, intentionality, accountability, and deep love within relationships, while providing practical tools and compassionate insight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Liz’s Call: Living With a Husband Disengaged From Hygiene and Intimacy

(01:52 – 17:44)

The Situation

• Liz and her husband: Together 10 years, married since 2018, with a 4-year-old child.
• Problem: Husband’s extremely poor hygiene (doesn’t shower for days, repeats underwear, doesn’t brush teeth, etc.), which has destroyed sexual intimacy and impacts family well-being.

Dr. Delony’s Exploration

• History: Hygiene issues since husband’s teen years (per husband and his mother); no sudden cause.
• Possible Mental Health: Liz suspects depression, but husband refuses help.
• Parenting Concern: Husband’s habits risk impacting their child’s hygiene.
• Relationship Dynamic: Liz feels like a passive roommate, living around his needs and routines.
• Emotional Impact: Liz confides, “I want someone else… That looks at me and tells me I'm pretty and wants to touch me...” (10:06), expressing deep loneliness and disconnection.

Delony’s Key Insights

• Hygiene as a Symptom: The lack of hygiene is “just the tip of the iceberg” (11:17) – a proxy for a profound marital and emotional disengagement.
• Marriage Quality Matters: “The single greatest predictor of your kid's future success is that his parents have a great relationship together.” (09:32)
• Emotional Check: “You're worth freaking showering for.” (17:07)
• Ownership & Change: Encourages Liz to confront reality, express her pain honestly, and consider her needs and self-worth.
• Practical Support: Offers three months of free counseling via BetterHelp (16:49), urging her to build support and “clear the cobwebs.”

Notable Quotes

• “This is not much of a marriage... more of a roommate situation where you're living in somebody else's house.” — Dr. Delony (08:14)
• “Providing is way more than just a dollar amount.” — Dr. Delony (14:38)
• “I just want you to hear me say, you're worth more than this life.” — Dr. Delony (17:05)
• “You're worth getting dolled up and going out. Providing... is providing a space for a wife to feel insanely prized and loved.” — Dr. Delony (17:21)

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2. Ray’s Call: Breaking the Cycle of Marital Disconnection

(21:27 – 40:00 approx.)

The Situation

• Ray and his wife: Together 6 years, married 4, in recurring conflict and emotional distance, about to adopt a baby.
• Turning Point: Ray admits, “Yeah, okay, I have [checked out]. She's entirely right.” (22:42)
• Root Issue: Conflict traces back to hosting his traumatized sister, which placed Ray in the middle and left unprocessed resentment lingering years later.
• Ray’s Hope: “I do... absolutely... want to stay married.” (25:48, 25:59)

Dr. Delony’s Process

• Ownership & Pattern: Encourages Ray to “make the first step” and break old cycles by framing past pain as skills to work on, not character flaws.
• Action Plan:
  1. Schedule extended time (e.g., breakfast, three hours) to clear the air openly and vulnerably (28:52).
  2. Dump old “bricks” of resentment: “Y’all have to take all these... Home Depot buckets full of just bricks... Dump them all out on the table...” (31:28)
  3. Lay out apologies, share the stories you’ve made up, and invite your spouse to do the same.
  4. Together, design a “new marriage” – one built by choice, daily, decision by decision (38:52).
• Kids as Beneficiaries, Not Fixers: “A kid may be the impetus for change, but you can't make the change because of the kid. The kid can't bear the weight of that adult relationship transaction, transformation.” (30:11)
• Forging a Path: Emphasizes the value of asking, “How can I love you better today?” and committing to ongoing vulnerability and repair.

Notable Quotes

• “If one person in a relationship changes, the relationship changes.” — Dr. Delony (26:03)
• “I'm sorry. You're right. You've told me I'm checked out and I did some soul searching. And you're right. And this is me checking back in 1000%.” — Dr. Delony, suggested words for Ray (40:00)
• “The marriage you had is over. Let's build something new. And that starts with you going first...” (39:03)

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3. Emily’s Call: Parenting Through Faith, Love, and LGBTQ Issues

(41:38 – 59:52)

The Situation

• Emily: Christian mom, discovers her 15-year-old daughter is secretly dating another girl (found texts on her own phone).
• Dilemma: Wants to uphold family faith values without alienating her daughter, and is unsure whether to inform the other girl’s parents.

Dr. Delony’s Guidance

• Three Buckets: Separates the immediate (“dating” rules), family faith/values, and the personal relationship.
• Boundaries:
  • No sleepovers for romantic partners, regardless of gender: “I want her to know ... sleepovers are not ending because you're gay. ... because you're dating somebody.” (43:53)
  • Apply all dating rules equally.
• Unconditional Love: Lead every hard talk with: “You are my daughter and I will love you till the end of time, period.” (46:14)
• Values With Consequence: Clarifies that “every belief and every boundary comes with... consequences” (45:10), and rules should be owned fully but lovingly.
• Avoid Trauma: Warns of trauma if children believe, “if my parents know this one thing, they won't love me.” (56:27)
• Communication With Other Parents: Suggests only informing the other parents as a practical sleepover update, not as “outing” their child (58:09).

Notable Quotes

• “There's not a thing you can do that I won't love you, that I won't storm the gates of hell to come get you.” — Dr. Delony (46:14)
• “If you sit down and say, you will never date a woman in my house... you will have severed your connection with your child.” (52:57)
• “We do hard things together as a family. Kids who feel that, feel less need to hide stuff.” (55:28)
• “Parents out there, our kids got to know on a... daily basis – there will never be someone on your team more than me.” (61:00)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• Liz’s quiet heartbreak: “I want someone else… That looks at me and tells me I’m pretty and wants to touch me, wants to hold my hand.” (10:06)
• Dr. Delony’s blunt truth: “You are worth freaking showering for.” (17:07)
• Ray’s breakthrough: “She’s entirely right. I have [checked out].” (22:42)
• On relational cycles: “If one person in a relationship changes, the relationship changes.” (26:03)
• On parenting teens with grace: “Lead with: ‘You are my daughter and I will love you forever, period.’” (46:14)
• On the true meaning of providing: “Providing is way more than just a dollar amount." (14:38)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Liz’s Call (Husband’s Hygiene & Marital Disconnect): 01:52 – 17:44

  • Liz describes hygiene issues: 02:05 – 04:24
  • Impact on marriage & daughter: 04:42 – 05:46
  • Dr. Delony’s deeper diagnosis: 08:14 – 17:07

• Ray’s Call (Breaking Negative Marital Cycles): 21:27 – 40:00

  • Admits emotional withdrawal: 22:42
  • Dr. Delony outlines plan: 25:48 – 39:03
  • Designing a new marriage: 31:28 – 39:03

• Emily’s Call (Parenting, Faith, and LGBTQ Teen): 41:38 – 59:52

  • Daughter’s secret relationship revealed: 41:38 – 44:18
  • Dr. Delony on boundaries & love: 46:14 – 54:01
  • Considering communication with the other parents: 58:09 – 58:42

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Closing & Takeaways

The episode is a masterclass in compassionate, real-world coaching:

• Face hard truths about your relationship, even when it hurts.
• Redefine what it means to provide, parent, or be present—love is bigger than money or rules.
• Choose intention and vulnerability: Transforming a marriage or parenting through trust and presence is a daily, active choice.
• Every family story is unique—so is every path to healing. But it begins with seeing, hearing, and loving each other deeply.

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Additional Resources and Tools Utilized

• BetterHelp: Free counseling for Liz (16:49)
• Together App: Recommended for Ray to build daily positive connection (39:03)
• Practical Communication Exercises: Dumping “bricks,” scripting vulnerable conversations, inviting grace and humor

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If you’re struggling with similar issues, consider professional counseling, clear and open communication, and above all, remembering your worth—“You’re worth freaking showering for.”

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

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[Liz]

He will go days without showering. He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands. I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row. Our sex life is non existent. If it does exist, it's because he showers that day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up? What's going on? This is Josh to the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls. Real people going through real challenges in their marriages, in their mental and emotional health, in their lives, struggling with addiction, trying to love people. Well, I'm glad that you're here. If you want to be on the show, I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and it will send you to Kelly and she will get you on the show. She actually links her personal cell phone number in. She doesn't. She.

[Kelly]

No, that doesn't happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what?

[Kelly]

That I don't even give you my personal cell.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That would be a great auction.

[Kelly]

No, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. If you ever mean to me, I'm. That would be so great.

[Kelly]

Don't forget I have yours as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Mine's not real.

[Kelly]

Both of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One of them is real. One of them is not. Dude, what a game of what a game of mutually assured destruction. We could play.

[Kelly]

How about we just both not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's go to Biloxi and talk to Liz. Hey, Liz, what's up?

[Ray]

Hi.

[Liz]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. How about you?

[Liz]

I'm okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Well, thanks for calling. What's up?

[Liz]

So my husband and I have been together about 10 years. Married since 18, and as much as I love him and everything like that, his hygiene is awful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Like, hygiene can mean a lot of things, but it sounds like it. It's taken. It's just ground you down to the point where you're like, it's awful. Like, what do you mean when you say the hygiene is bad?

[Liz]

He will go days without showering. He won't always brush his teeth, won't wash his hands. And I catch him wearing the same boxers for a couple of days in a row.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're in Mississippi. It's not like it's hot. It is not Yeah. I mean, if you walk outside to get the mail, you need to take a shower.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Ray]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how can I help? I hate this for you.

[Liz]

I don't know. I have tried a gentle approach. I have asked him why and I never get a response. I have even gone as far as asking because as a teenager he played sports and I asked if like he was maybe assaulted by a coach back in the day. He told me no. His mom has also said that his hygiene as a teenager was bad. So it's not like it just developed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Liz]

I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he have any diagnosable mental health issues? And I'm not talking about just emotional, but I, I, I've. Part of my job over the years has been to sit down, especially in educational settings with college students, sometimes graduate students, and say, hey, like your hygiene, we gotta work on this, like. And that's always an awkward, hard conversation. But I've had to do it a number of times. But almost always there was a, there's a surrounding issue, right. With mental or emotional health challenges. Is he struggling with anything like that or is he just literally not care?

[Liz]

I, nothing diagnosed. Would I say he's depressed? Yes. He won't get help for that, but

[Dr. John DeLoney]

yeah, you'll have kids.

[Liz]

We have a four year old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Four year old. Is this getting passed on to your four year old?

[Liz]

I notice like he's not getting his teeth. So I work early and I know that he's not always brushing his teeth before going off to daycare.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does your husband work?

[Liz]

I just, he does. He's a great provider, hard worker. So, you know, I tried to look at his wonderful qualities, but this is affecting our sex life. It can't be spontaneous. I've suffered with UTIs throughout the years and I've tried to talk to him about that and now it's just like our sex life is non existent or if it does exist, it's because he showers that day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the hard part for me here is he's not on the phone, you are. And so I guess what I want to ask you is with your limited scope of what you can do, what do you want to do next? And here, here, here's like a broad array of things. If you, if you, if, if. And I'm going to be ridiculous for a second. Okay, but just go with me. If you put a pair of clean underwear on his bed in the morning and say you have to put this on and you got to go shower, will he do that or no? Will he just walk right past You?

[Liz]

No, he'll probably walk right past me. He does what he wants.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Where else does he completely disregard what you want or what you need in your relationship? In your home

[Liz]

again? He's a wonderful provider.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know a lot of men who make a lot of money who are not people I would want my daughter around.

[Liz]

I mean, I don't ask him to do much for me.

[Emily]

He's.

[Liz]

I mean, he's. He does the dishes, he does laundry, you know, so he takes the burdens off of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But when you say he's a good provider, what does that mean?

[Liz]

He brings home. I mean, I work too, but he pays the bills. He will go grocery shopping, he will do the laundry, he will do the dishes. I don't ever have to ask him to do that stuff. But if there is something that I do need help with, if I ask him, it won't be done right away

[Emily]

or

[Liz]

I just don't ask.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sounds like you're kind of living in his world.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what I. I don't.

[Liz]

I hope I don't make plans because I don't want to take away from the stuff that he needs to do. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not much of a marriage.

[Liz]

No, it's. It's definitely more of a roommate situation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but it's a roommate situation where you're living in somebody else's house. Right. It's not like two roommates went and got an apartment together. It's like he has a house and you live in it and you have no rights. You have no, you have no relationship there. He comes and goes and does what he pleases. Doesn't shower, doesn't bathe. Are you safe?

[Liz]

Yeah. Oh, yes, yes, yes. There's no question about my safety.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? So I guess you have to ask yourself, what kind of world do you want to live in? Do you want more for you and your kid than this?

[Liz]

I can't see myself waking up without my child in my home. I don't want split custody. It's not one of those things where like, my son has a great household, he has a great childhood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm telling you right now, he doesn't.

[Liz]

He does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The single greatest predictor of your kids future success is that his parents have a great relationship together.

[Liz]

It's not horrible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me, let me back out and, and let me ask. This is the way your husband treats you and disregards you. Where are ways you are becoming somebody you never thought you would be?

[Liz]

I want someone else, okay? That looks at me and tells me I'm Pretty and wants to touch me, wants to hold my hand, wants to hug me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, can I tell you that's not crazy, Liz?

[Liz]

I mean, I know it's not crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the question you have to ask yourself, and I can't answer it for you, is are you going to settle for that? For not having that? For this?

[Liz]

Is there a way I can help him to build our marriage? To get him help to build my marriage? Our marriage?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, it sounds like I don't know how direct you've been with some of these conversations.

[Liz]

I have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And does he just blow you off?

[Liz]

He never has a reason. I've cried to him. I've said like, I've asked him to shower. I've asked him how many days it's been since he showered, and sometimes he doesn't even know the answer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but that, I mean, that's a huge deal. Hygiene's a huge deal. No wife should have to tell their husband. I mean, on occasion, yes, fine. But no, no wife should have to regular. I mean, you're talking like that's how you talk to a 4 year old or a 12 year old, right? A 12 year old boy, you say, hey, did you shower today? And they're like, oh, come on, mom. And then they come out of the bathroom and you're like, is that the same underwear? And they're like, come on, mom or come on, dad, like, yeah, that's a 12 year old. But that is the tip of the iceberg as, as far as I'm concerned, because underneath it, you have a marriage where your spouse doesn't look at you, doesn't touch you, doesn't care about you, where you can't ask things, you can't do things. You get what I'm saying? And so the first thing you have to do is to reckon. I don't know, there could be any number of reasons and it would take us a couple hours to probably dig through them.

[Kelly]

But

[Dr. John DeLoney]

in the same way you're telling me these things, these are all real and these are all heavy, hard things. And you, you wallpaper over all of that with the story that everything in your home is great and it's not. And your son is absorbing all of this. And in a. In a way. Not in a way. And with a ringside seat, he's absorbing what being a husband and a father looks like in real time. I can do whatever I want, whenever I want.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this wife of mine is an accessory to the life I want to live. It's not us co creating and building a thing. And so until you allow that wallpaper to fall off and you sit in the reality that is your home. Because what I don't want you to do is, is to start to become a person you never thought you would be. Never thought you'd be a person who's bitter and resentful in your own house where coming home was not your safe place, where your husband wouldn't look at you and tell you you're pretty and want to hold your hand. My gosh. If the barrier to first acts is a shower, my gosh, there would be millions of men running to the shower.

[Ray]

Right.

[Liz]

And that's what I don't understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so. But the next layer here is I don't want you stepping out on your marriage because then you're going to add a layer of, oh, my gosh, now I've become somebody that I never thought I would be. I've become somebody I don't respect anymore.

[Liz]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to put everything out on the table. And if he looks at you, I mean, I haven't seen it work other than to say, here's the truth. I'm about to leave, or I feel unloved in my own house. And if. If shower becomes the proxy war, then he's going to say, I don't have to shower. I'm. But underneath all of that, if he's as good a guy as you says he is in quote unquote, providing, he needs to provide a space where his wife feels loved. Providing is way more than just a dollar amount.

[Liz]

I get it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you don't want to do that, if the thought of I'm worth more than this, my. Let me put it another way. My husband's left me. He just lives in the house. Fidelity. Fidelity is not just not having sex with somebody. Fidelity is I'm all in and you're all in, and he's not. He lives his own life.

[Liz]

Honestly, the biggest thing that keeps me here is the fact that it's just financially. It's so hard to live on your own these days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is. It is. It's brutal. And women who leave abusive relationships, women who leave relationships where their spouse isn't a person of fidelity, the data tells me that they often bear the brunt, especially in the short term.

[Liz]

And I don't have a support system down here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Do you have some girlfriends you can talk to or do you have nobody?

[Liz]

Not really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The next right step for you, I think, is someone to walk alongside you and help Clear the cobwebs. I'm gonna. And at least give you some. Some clarity on what my options are. What your options are? Because right now it feels like you've. You're hemmed in. Right?

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I honor that. Like, you sound hemmed in. But I've. I believe there's always a path. Multiple paths out of a situation. None of those paths are easy. I'm gonna hook you up with three months for free with my friends at BetterHelp. Okay. And get you a licensed counselor that you can talk to on your phone, that you can talk to with your laptop. And you can talk to them in the parking lot of Walmart. Okay. You can FaceTime with them, but I want you to talk to a licensed professional, wherever you happen to be, and I'll. I'll. They'll cover it for three months. Okay?

[Emily]

Okay.

[Liz]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to talk to somebody because you're not as trapped as you feel. But I can tell by talking to you this has been going on a long time. And 10 minutes with me isn't gonna. Isn't gonna free you from that. I just want you to hear me say, you're worth more than this life.

[Liz]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I shouldn't have to say this like I'm gonna say it, but I will anyway. You're worth freaking showering for.

[Liz]

I thought so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're worth getting dolled up and going out. Providing is not just a big muscle and cash. It is providing a space for a wife to feel insanely prized and loved.

[Liz]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call me anytime. Okay?

[Liz]

Okay, thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up with better help. We come back, a man asks how to want to become a better husband when his wife feels like he checked out years ago. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Tony. Listen, I talk to people all the time who are experiencing difficulties in their life and with their health. Low energy, brain fog, poor sleep, sexual dysfunction. Just a general unwell feeling that they can't seem to put their finger on. And even though this is all super common, it doesn't mean it has to be normal. This is why I'm super excited to introduce a brand new partner on my show, Joy and Blokes. Joy and Blokes is not just another telemedicine company. They start with a comprehensive blood test that gives you real data about what's going on in your body and in your life. I. I use this blood work in. Their interface is incredible. Their platform's incredible, and their doctors are incredible. I have loved my experience with Joy and Blokes. Joy and Blokes pairs you with the clinician who will review your results with you. Actually speak a language you can understand and not talk down to you and they will help you create a personalized plan and help you take action. Data is not helpful if it doesn't have a plan. Whether the answer is a few lifestyle changes, some supplementation or a much more comprehensive treatment plan, everything can be prescribed and managed through Join Blokes. Join Blokes is for women and men who want to be proactive with their health. If this is you, stop guessing and start getting answers. Go to joy and bls.com deloney and get 50% off. You heard that right, 50% off all labs and 20% off all products. That's J O I and B L O k e s joyandblokes.com DeLoney as you know, I'm a big believer in therapy when you need it. It's a powerful way to dig into patterns, personal challenges and practice new ways of relating to others and living life in the presence of a trained, licensed professional. But sometimes challenges take more than a traditional 50 minute session. Sometimes pausing the grind of everyday life and digging into a multi day intensive experience with your spouse, with your kids or by yourself can transform your life and every relationship you have. It can transform your home, transform your marriage. It can change everything. This is why I want to tell you about Capstone Wellness and their vine and Root program. It's a deeper level of care. Three to five day therapy intensives for couples features families and individuals who need more than once a week sessions to help jumpstart the change in their life. Whether it's trauma, addiction, marriage challenges, burnout or anything you're struggling with, the therapist at vine and Root can help you get to the bottom of what's going on and you're going to leave with tools and a plan. You're not just going to talk about stuff for three to five days. You're going to go to work and take an action plan with you. They are a Christian organization but they help people of all faiths, all backgrounds and experiences. They don't push anything on anybody and they follow a strict code of ethics. Vine and Root is a real investment of your time, your energy and your money. But if you're serious about getting well and staying well over time, change requires serious commitment. Go to capstonewellness.com Deloney and click on vine and Root to learn more. That's capstone wellness.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Glen Mills, Pennsylvania and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?

[Ray]

Dr. John, how you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, brother. How are you?

[Ray]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on, man?

[Ray]

Well, you know what? I think this is a kind of a, like divine timing here. This listening to the. The last call kind of put things into perspective for part of the reason why I'm calling today. And I'm sick and tired of perpetuating the same cycle over and over again here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, dude, I'm glad you called, man. I'm glad you called. What's up?

[Ray]

So my wife and I have been married. We just hit four years. Six years. Six years together total. And there's been a lot of the same, same problems come up where she feels like, I guess for, for lack of a better phrasing, she was like, you're checked out. You don't want to be married. You don't love me, you resent me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is she right?

[Ray]

Which, like, I mean, like, it, it wasn't, it wasn't like that the entire time. Like we, we had it. We had a great relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Answer my original question. Is she right? Have you checked out?

[Ray]

Yeah, okay, I have.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about.

[Ray]

She's entirely right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Ray]

So there was a situation that happened that she. That she always puts like a. To use your words, a GPS pin. And back in. When we first started dating, maybe a few months in, my sister got a divorce. She left an abusive situation. She had a spare room in her apartment. And we talked about it. We invited my sister in and we thought, okay, we're going to give her some space, let her kind of get back on her feet and signed a lease. She did the whole like the legal, legal paperwork and all that, and it turned into an absolute nightmare. During that time, we didn't think to consider the trauma that she was going through because we had no idea the extent of it. And she was basically being like the worst roommate possible. Cleanliness. There was boys over, constantly rules breaking. We asked her to take care of her dog while we went out on vacation. That was already pre planned and she completely neglected and just overall just being like a very negative person to be around. And so being that she was my sister, I was put in the middle of this and having to be like the liaison between my wife and my sister about what's going on, how to move forward, the expectations and all that. And like, my wife is very outspoken and like she will very clearly speak her mind. And so like, it was. A lot of. It felt like a barrage, just like a. Like a what now? Type of deal. And as a result of that, we're starting to think that I've been holding on to that, even though, like, my sister's in a better place now. She's remarried, she's much in a much better state of health, and like, these problems have been. Haven't been resolved, or at least, like, the feelings of resentment or, I guess, like, contempt. I don't know if I'd go that far, but that comes to mind of just, like, why are we still complaining? Like, it feels like we're still back in that same position we were years ago. And I feel like that carries on in how I look at her, how, like, I want to. How I want to treat her, and, like, I've become very dismissive of whatever she has to bring up, especially if it has anything to do with me directly. She's claiming where I've been very defensive. And if anything gets said, like, to me about even something simple as, hey, I saw you did this. Can we do this in the future? It turns into this big old thing. And once we start getting heated and started getting elevated in conversation and arguments, then she recognizes where she's at her limit for a conversation. She has her boundaries, and I just barrel right through them. And we talk about it later, I realize, hey, you know what? You're right. I shouldn't have done this. And then it happens over and over and over again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you want to break the cycle? You want to stay married or no?

[Ray]

No, I do. Absolutely. I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So all of this will start with you saying, I still want to be married to this woman. You're in.

[Ray]

I'm 100 in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does she still want to be married to you?

[Ray]

She does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Ray]

She's told. She's told this to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So if one person in a. In a relationship changes, the relationship changes. And so you called me, and so I want you to have the courage to say, I'm going to make the first step. I'm going to make the first change. Are you in?

[Ray]

I'm in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So the process here is relatively straightforward and, dare I say, simple. It's really hard to do. It's hard to check yourself, and it's hard to break out of a relational pattern. This is me explaining in real time what I mean by always say, someone's got to stop the music and turn the lights on. This is that moment. But I'll walk you through how to do it. Okay. But it only works if you're 100% and want to stay married. If you, if you want to, you could back out of this thing 30,000ft and have this perspective. We first got married after knowing each other for a couple of years, and then we did a really hard thing. We invited a woman who'd been abused, that happened to be my sister, into a legally binding contract into our home, and it went real bad. And we learned that we've got some things we need to do to practice for our communication. We learned that, man, if we ever invite somebody else in who's hurting, we need to ask more questions. We need to have stronger boundaries. You may have learned I have to practice stepping up and defending my wife because she is my number one because I married her. Sometimes in between her and my family, your wife may learn, like, just berating and beating up my husband does nothing except hurt him. Right. So if you look at this as a set of skills that y' all, like, y' all joined a basketball league and you both sucked at basketball. Instead of, she's terrible. He's a loser. He loves his sister more than me. My wife, like, you see what I'm saying? You can moralize this and put character assassinations all over this thing, or you can just say, man, we tried a hard thing when we first got married and we were terrible at it. And one of those viewing it one way takes all the pressure off of it and really points out, highlight some skills we need to work on so that we can continue to come back together. The other one is a constant way for each one of us to feel powerful in a situation, in a marriage where we both feel powerless. One of these paths will end your marriage. One of these paths will make your marriage stronger than you ever thought possible. But that's going to be you letting go, opening your hands up and hope to God she does the same. And so if you're willing to take that frame on it, I'll give you a very simple yet complicated, I mean, very simple, yet hard path to walk. Are you in?

[Ray]

I'm in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here's I want you to do. I want you to schedule three hours at a breakfast place this weekend or next weekend, depending on what your schedules are. Do you all have kids yet?

[Ray]

Yeah, we're actually in the process of adopting a newborn.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing. Amazing. So this is the most important thing you can do because you don't want to bring a brand new baby into this kind of like communication, conflict, chaos.

[Liz]

Right?

[Ray]

Agreed. And like, I've been listening to your Show a long time. And I hear. And I'm. I'm seeing that, like, the kids absorb the tension.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ray]

And the last argument that we had actually ended up turning out to be a pretty bad one, where she's, like, threw all her clothing out of the closet, and she's like, I'm done this and that. And I'm over there, I'm looking up, I'm looking at my son. He's six months now. And I stopped. Stopped in my tracks and let her just kind of go through whatever she needed to get out. And we were done for the day, and we went our separate ways, figuratively speaking. And then I remember thinking the entire day, I'm like, he doesn't deserve to feel this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but listen, you. You don't either, and she doesn't either. You can't make these. A kid may be the impetus for change, but you can't make the change because of the kid. The kid can't bear the weight of that adult relationship transaction, transformation. You have to say, I'm worth more than this. And she. My wife, is, too. And the kid will be the beneficiary of this. No question about it. But so will y', all, too. But you have to decide. I'm worth living in a marriage where I cannot wait to get home just so I can drop my shoulders. And your wife has to say, I can't wait to get home because I got a guy at home who loves me till the end of time. And together we created this world where we brought. We went and picked a kid and said, we choose you to come live in our home with us. That's amazing, right?

[Ray]

But actually, we were picked.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, even more amazing, somebody looked at y' all and said, we pick you for. To raise our flesh and blood. Amazing. So here's what I want you to do. I want you to clear the deck, and I want you to sit down with your wife, and whether. Whether you feel this is justified, whatever. I want you to go first,

[Liz]

and

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to say, I love you. And over the last three or four years, ever since my sister moved in with us, moved out, I've not been the man that I want to be. I'm sorry. I've made up several stories about you, about us, and I want to share them with you. And I want to tell you about the stories I've made up and how they make me feel. And more importantly, here's what I want to do next. And I want you to be honest. I've made up a story that you think that I'm. Fill in the blank. I've made up a story that you're volatile and that you are outspoken and you beat me up all the time because you think it makes you feel powerful. I make. I don't know if that's true. I just made that up. And then that makes me feel angry and resentful, and then I try to defend myself and we get in this loop. I don't want to be in this loop anymore. And then I want you to ask her, are there stories about me you've made up? I'm here and I'll listen to them. And I won't fight you back. I won't respond because I want to connect with you. And y' all have to take all these. Like, just imagine you and her carrying these Home Depot buckets full of just bricks. Y' all been carrying them around for years. Dump them all out on the table with the. With the understanding. I want to be married to you, and I want to build a new marriage. And here's the thing. We get to decide what kind of marriage we build. And the final step of this process is you say, here's what I want. Here's what makes me feel loved. Here's how you can connect with me. And I really wanted to get to know you and celebrate you. How can I love you better? And here's the thing. This is a super vulnerable exercise because she may come at you like guns of guns a blazing, but at least you'll know. Because what's the other alternative? You're just going to keep doing this?

[Ray]

She won't let that happen. If. Honestly, I don't. I don't. If I don't make a change soon and, like, keep it, I don't think it. I don't think she'll allow the marriage to continue.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then use her language and give her a gift and say, I've checked out, and this is me checking back in 100%. I love you too much. And I would. I would frame it up. I want to say some things first and then have you come back and respond. But if you'll allow me, I want to say these things first and just go first, man. Because my. My guess is both of y' all have co created this. She responds over the top, you get mad and defend yourself, and then you barrel through her what she wants and needs, and then she responds over the top and just this loop de loop.

[Liz]

Right?

[Ray]

Yeah. Yeah. That's about how it happens. Yeah. Every time, the intensity only increases. The more. The more it happens over the years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And where you'll land is you're still going to have disagreements. You're still going to have, like, conflict. That's part of life that means something matters. Conflict is the path to connection, man. Like, but you'll learn because you know each other and you see each other. Well, I know that when my wife and I are in big. In, like, in a big conflict, I will say, hey, I want to talk about this big thing. I need to talk about it within the next. I want to talk about it within the next 24 hours. Will you let me know when a good time for you is? My wife's like, yeah, I will. And sometimes she'll say, let's go right now. And then sometimes she'll say, let's talk tomorrow morning. Right? We're still gonna have the conflict, but she can prepare herself. I'm not just coming in here guns a blazing. I'm not over emotional. Like, I tend to get. Right. So it's just. You get to know each other, and she might sit down and say, hey, we need to have a big conversation. Can we talk about this? And I can say, yeah, I need an hour. Give me one hour to get my head in the right place. You get what I'm saying? Because now we're going to actually try to solve a problem. We're not just going to blow up on each other and try to have some cathartic moment and then just limp along to the next part of our day. Because we're both worth more than that.

[Ray]

I feel that, like, it's like, I've heard you say plenty of times, like, getting back to the way things were like that, that doesn't work.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have a new marriage. You can't go back to before your sister lived with you, and you felt attacked by your wife, and you felt embarrassed that your sister was blown up. And then you felt ashamed because you finally started to realize what had happened to your sister. Like, all that stuff, Right. You can't go back before that,

[Kelly]

But

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you can move forward and say, from this point forward, I choose you over all my family members, over everybody, because you're my wife.

[Ray]

And then I got to do whatever. Whatever I need to do to. To honor that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? And the best. The best way forward is to ask her for a path. How can I love you today? And this is not going to be. You're going to leave this breakfast together. Hopefully you'll spend two or three hours and y' all get frustrated, and there's some tears. She and you'll laugh, cry together, and then you'll have some sort of a. Of a in pencil plan. How can I love you? And both of y' all are going to have to decide. We're going to give each other grace because we're practicing a new way of doing this relationship that we've gotten in a really rudded dance with. It's going to take time. It's okay. And you leave that with the signal. Wink at me. Stick your tongue out at me. Will you come up with a thing so that if I blow it, if. If you see me heading down a path, you can catch me because you know I'm on your team. Y' all have to get used to saying, hey, I said that wrong. Can I say that again? And the other person exhale and say, yeah, go ahead. It won't take the sting out of what was said, but it will be a bid to come back together. And you accept each other's bids. Like this is. This is a choice, man. Hang on the line here. I'm going to send you the together app and I don't want you introducing this until after you have this. Clear the deck. We want to build a new marriage. And by the way, y' all have a reason to build this thing now. One, for y' all and two, because another family is handing you their baby. And y' all are doing an amazing thing by going through the adoption process, taking a child. That's awesome. Amazing, wonderful. The best. The best. The best. The best. But y' all got a reason to reset. The marriage you had is over. Let's build something new. And that starts with you going first and saying, I'm sorry. You're right. You've told me I'm checked out and I did some soul searching. And you're right. And this is me checking back in 1000%. I'm going to be honest, I don't fully know how to do that. So I'm going to ask you every day, how can I love you? This is not going to be fixed in some big fireworks show. It's going to be decision by decision, day by day and sometimes you're going to have to swallow your pride, swallow your frustration, swallow your ego, and then just go do the dishes. Go do the next right thing. It's going to be you choosing to put a note on your windshield or on your. On your steering wheel. So when you pull into your driveway, there's a little note that says, put your phone away and walk in the door and Hug your wife and find one thing to do to help around the house. These are tiny little things you're going to do. They're all choices, and she's going to have to do the same. I'm in the middle of a thing. My husband just drove up. I'm gonna put this thing down for a second and we're just gonna hug when he walks in the door. I'm worth that, he's worth that, or whatever the thing is. You know what I'm talking about? You get to choose, man. Both of y' all get to choose. Do you want to keep doing what we're doing? You want to split this thing up? Or do we want to build a brand new marriage? I've got all the hope in the world for y', all, but let's set down those bricks that we've been caring about what happened when this thing first started. Set down these bricks of resentment and let's go till some new soil and build something amazing. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter while holding to her beliefs and her boundaries. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Jelani for Hallow. Listen, what could you accomplish in 90 days? You could get in shape. You could start losing weight. You could change your marriage. You could play games with your kids and change your relationship with him. You can do so much much in 90 days. And that's why I want you to try Hallow for free for 90 days. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And I think it's one of the most important things I do to start every day of my life. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and prioritize what actually matters before the whole day grabs me and swallows me up. Hallow will give you 90 days for free to do the same thing. Building a habit of reflection and prayer. Hallow is simple and it's guided and it meets you wherever you are. Whether you're a brand new believer, whether you're still got questions about all this belief stuff, or you've been practicing your faith for decades. It'll help you anchor your faith practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, and most importantly, peace. Ask yourself where do you want to be and who do you want to be 90 days from now? If you want more peace or you want to get more grounded in your faith, give Hallow a try. You can try Hallow for free for 90 [e-mail] DeLoney that's three months for [e-mail] DeLoney. All right, let's go out to Houston, Texas, home of the strs. I'm ride or die, dude. If they're. They're not having a great year, I'm still. I'm still Team Stro.

[Kelly]

Only thing that matters is we are one place above y' all right now is the Rangers. That's literally. We're both awful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, we're in last place, aren't we?

[Kelly]

No, you're in fourth of five.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

And we're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're telling me there's a chance

[Kelly]

we're both awful, but we are one place, like what? Literally one win above y'. All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just wait. Just wait. All right, let's go out to Houston and talk to Emily. Hey, Emily. What's up?

[Emily]

Hi. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's going on?

[Emily]

So I recently found out that my daughter. We've been letting her friend come over and sleep over and letting her go to her friend's house.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Emily]

How old's your daughter and I. She's 15.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

15, okay.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Emily]

And I recently found out that they are dating. So I'm just. I'm trying to figure out. My husband and I are Christians, and that's how we're trying to raise our kids. And I'm trying to figure out how. How to talk to her about it, like, what. What boundaries to set and also how to talk to the other girl's parents about it or if I should.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How'd you find out they were dating?

[Emily]

My daughter got her phone taken up a while ago, so she was texting her. Her friend, or I guess, girlfriend on my phone, and she just forgot to delete the messages. So I read them, and I found out that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to say good for you for being a parent that checks on the text messages of their kid. I. I applaud you for that.

[Liz]

Thank you.

[Emily]

Because I was kind of feeling bad for it.

[Liz]

No, you're a parent, okay? You're a parent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we've handed these kids these magic wands. We've, like, as my buddy Sean Ryan says, we're not giving our kids access to the world. We're giving the world access to our kids. And so parents are going to hand their kids smartphones. They better be on the alert and going through those things. There's a couple of layers here. Okay. So what? Often things like this get really big, and it feels like everything all at once. And so what I want to do is pull it apart a little bit. Okay.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thing number one is they're dating. Okay? So let's put that in its own category here. We'll put the, your moral beliefs and your convictions and your faith, all that stuff. We'll put that in a separate bucket for a second. Okay?

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bucket number one. In no way, in a million years would you let your 15 year old daughter, if she had a boyfriend, spend the night, come over, go on dates, whatever.

[Emily]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. So that world ends immediately because you're a caring, wise parent. Okay?

[Emily]

Yeah. We put a stop to the sleepovers immediately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But I want her to know you're. The sleepovers are not ending because you're gay. The sleepovers are ending because you're dating somebody and I'm not. I wouldn't let you have any partner over here. You get what I'm like, you get what I'm saying? And so that again, you're asking a 15 year old to get the nuance here. They're not going to. But I want you to be super clear as you're laying this out. Okay?

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you and your husband already had dating rules and regulations and age limits and whatever yalls regulations are, some people let their 14 year olds go on dates. Some people say you can't date till you're 16, some people say you can't date till you leave my house or whatever, every parent's gonna do their own thing. But I want you all to be clear about, here's our rules for dating, period.

[Liz]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And if you're telling me this is your girlfriend, then those, those, those rules apply. Then we get to the faith part of this. And anytime somebody lays down, here's what we believe and here's what our boundaries are going to be. Every belief and every boundary comes with what I, I mean, it sounds negative, it doesn't have to be negative, but they always come with consequences.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I don't want, I can tell you on the other side of this conversation. I cannot count the number of conversations I've had because I spent several years at multiple faith based universities in addition to public universities. The number of parents who have come to me and said I would do anything to have that first conversation back. Because I didn't just give them my opinion on their sexuality. I lost my kid. You know what I'm saying?

[Emily]

Yeah, we haven't talked to her yet. Because I was waiting till I talked to you actually.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So I think like I, I, it's hard for a 15 year old to parse this, especially with the messaging they're getting from all over the planet. But the first and most important thing I would tell any parent in any hard situation, any situation where they find their kid, their teenager is doing something that they don't agree with, is to say, you are my daughter and I will love you till the end of time, period.

[Liz]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You will always, that front door will always be open to you. And I would even go one step further, I'll tell you the things I tell my kids. There's not a thing you can do that I won't love you, that I won't storm the gates of hell to come get you. Okay? Now my 16 year old's driving. He's out and about. He's a way better driver than me. He's more responsible, like so. Right. But I've told him, hey, if you like you've now, you're now out in the world, man, you're moving out in the world with adults, wild teenage drivers, everything. If you do something that violates the law, I'll hold your hand, I will sit right next to you in court. But I can't protect you from everything now. Like, you're entering into a new world. Right?

[Emily]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's like I can't.

[Ray]

I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want my son to know there's not a thing that you can do on this planet that I won't still love you. I can't protect you from everything, but my God, I love you. And then we're going to get into the values conversations. Here's what we believe, because we're of this particular faith and we're of this particular belief about this thing. We don't agree with it, we think it's wrong, we think it's a sin, whatever you want to say about it. And then you can go one step further and say while you're in our house, here's going to be our rules and regulations about it.

[Emily]

That, that's really helpful. That's kind of what I was wondering. Like I, I don't want to force my kid to be a Christian, you know, Like I, I don't.

[Liz]

If she wants, if she wants to

[Emily]

be, I want it to be of her choice. And so I, I just don't want to shove this stuff down her throat. But then we have three other kids that we're raising also and they're watching everything. And they had already kind of noticed like the closeness between her and her friend and kind of like pointed it out. And so I want to make sure that we're, you know, so, so you think it's okay, like for us to be sticking to our values? I guess, while she's in our house?

[Liz]

Like, that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I take a hard line that I will not get between people and their values.

[Emily]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't have to agree with your values and you don't have to agree with mine. But what I want, the thing I want people to do is to. If you're gonna own a value, you gotta own it. You gotta drive right it to the bottom of the ocean. And so if this is a value to you, let's, let's take, let's take

[Kelly]

her,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

let's take her being gay off the table for a second, okay? Let's take something like smoking, okay? You can sit down and say, you, like, we think smoking's bad for you. We think it's wrong. And you can even go one step further. We think. I've heard this, this used before. We're people of faith and we believe that the scripture says a body is a temple and we think smoking is destructive of that temple. So we think it's wrong and you can't do it. Okay?

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your kid can look at you and say, the second I can walk out of this door, I'm walking and I'm never coming back. Okay?

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, because, because at some point they become an adult. And my hope is the love that y' all have for her, the safety you have for her, the welcoming hospitality you have for her and you holding the line on your values that over time, I don't expect a 15 year old to metabolize that, but over time she's gonna know. They disagree with, I disagree with them big time on this thing, whatever this thing happens to be. But I can't argue with the fact that my parents love me, okay? And I've talked to a number of gay young adults who have told me, no, My parents, they, they think what I'm doing is wrong. They think what I'm doing is. But man, I got good parents, okay?

[Emily]

That's kind of where I'm trying to. I don't want her to feel like I'm rejecting her for who she is. Like, I don't know if this is just a phase or she's gonna grow out of it or if it's gonna be like a long term thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I wouldn't spend one second worrying about that. I would spend every ounce energy.

[Ray]

I have love in my kid, okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And loving your kid does not mean whether they're straight gay. It doesn't mean you love every decision they make.

[Emily]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It doesn't mean that you protect them from every consequence of every decision they make. It just means, like, in. Not just in one big, big conversation, but in word and deed. You know I love you and you're always welcome here.

[Liz]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Emily]

So us sitting down and saying you may not date your girl while you live in our house is okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's for y' all to write or die on.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's for you to write. I would not start the conversation like that.

[Emily]

Start with all the love and like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I. I would.

[Emily]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because. Because here's. Here's where any of us would go with that. Oh, so I have to be alone. I can't feel connection. You're. You're.

[Kelly]

It.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're. You're one of those people who hates first. You get what I'm saying? And so sitting down with somebody and saying, I understand that my values because you live in my house are going to cost you this and this and this. Again, sexuality is so charged. I want to take it away from that. I've had multiple conversations with my son over the years telling him, I know that my stance that I've made public because of my job. I know that my stance on technology costs you friends. I know that, and I'm sorry.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate this for you. I hate it. But I believe in this moment in history, in this moment in time, I'm doing what's best for you.

[Emily]

Okay, that's super helpful to, like, take it away from the. The whole sexuality conversation and. Yeah, think of it that way.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I have different opinions and different beliefs on this than a number of my friends.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I've. I've tried to do my. Outside of abuse and a couple of big things. I've tried really hard on the show. I want to show up here as a good Coach Wood and say, I want you to own your choices.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. If you sit down and say, you will never date a woman in my house, a girl in my house, like, that's not who we are. I'm telling you right now, I've sat with that child forever. I mean, for. For 20 years. And you will have severed your connection with your child.

[Emily]

So. Okay. So. Okay. So we need to kind of decide if we want to say that or if we want to say, like, if you're. Is this someone you're dating? Because, I mean, because she kept it a secret, now we feel like we can't let any girls stay the night because we don't know. We're kind of like gonna do away with the sleepovers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think that's just a wise thing to do.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sexuality, just teenagers sleeping over, that's just a recipe for getting in trouble. And how do I know that?

[Emily]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I was a teenager that went to a lot of sleepovers. Like, I just know that.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Emily]

Okay, so we, I guess my husband and I need to decide if that we want to draw that hard line or if we just want to say, like, you want to date a girl, fine. But no, no, I mean, she can't sleep over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, that's a no brainer, right? Because you wouldn't let, you wouldn't let her date boys and sleepover.

[Liz]

Right, exactly right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I'm saying if you're going to get to the place where you say, as for me, as for me are and your husband, as for our house, you're not going to go on dates with other girls, other young women. If y' all are going to get to that, if that's your line, then let that be your line. But God almighty, you better double and triple and quadruple down on. You're our daughter and we'll love you to the end of time. And we know that this is going to be painful for you, for us. And we will sit with you through this discomfort.

[Ray]

Yeah.

[Emily]

The hard thing is like, we don't really necessarily know. So it's because I was telling my husband, we still have to let her have friends, like, but we're not going to know like, which ones of them she's dating because she just hides everything from us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well.

[Emily]

And so, but

[Dr. John DeLoney]

some hiding from teenagers is normal. They're trying to, they slowly develop their autonomy. That's part of the process. And so that's developmentally appropriate to say it like a nerd would say it. And the less anchored or safe is a dramatic word. I don't mean safe from getting hit or getting fed. I mean safe like you're allowed to have your own opinions in my house. And we have healthy debate and we have a lot of laughter in this house and we have a lot of shared. We do hard things together as a family. Kids who feel that feel less need to hide stuff.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you and your husband to take some reflective time and say, have we created a world where our teenager knows we are hardliners and we don't, we don't, we don't love, we don't answer the question. We, we just say, no, get away and that's who we are. Or is Some of this secrecy because she knew my mom and dad are gonna judge me on this thing, and they're not gonna hear me out. They're not gonna be connected to me. It might cost me my relationship with them.

[Emily]

Wow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The number of young people I've talked to over the years. Can I tell you what their biggest. This is what they've reported to me.

[Ray]

Right.

[Liz]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The number of kids I've. I would say young adults. 18 to 25. 18 to 30 young adults. Can I tell you what their biggest fear is? Was coming out to their parents like, you won't love me. Yeah, I can't have Thanksgiving at your home anymore.

[Emily]

No, we'll never.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? Can you imagine the terror of any child believing if my parents know this one thing, they won't love me? Yeah, that's trauma. Right? That's the definition. And that's why. That's why I can't tell you how many parents have said, my God, I wish I could have that over and let my kid know. I will. I will burn the buildings down to come get you. Because I love you. You're my kid. I want you and your husband to be aligned on the same page before y' all walk in there. Okay.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who's here? Who's. Here's who we're going to be as parents who love our kids. Well, here's who we're going to be

[Liz]

as

[Dr. John DeLoney]

parents to this young woman. Here's who we're going to be as people of faith. Are we confident that we're on the same page with this?

[Ray]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what love is going to look like. And these are going to be our boundaries. And every boundary comes with consequences.

[Emily]

Yeah, I guess we're gonna have to really talk about that and make sure we're in agreement before we talk to her. Yeah, I felt like we were, but now I'm kind of thinking I might need to think over it.

[Ray]

Okay.

[Emily]

Do you think that we should talk to the other girl's parents about it? I had planned to, but now I'm not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I will tell you. I would talk to the parent not because I found out their kid is attracted to my. Or is dating my daughter. I wouldn't run to say, oh, my gosh, guess what I found out about your kid.

[Liz]

Oh, no, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would talk to.

[Emily]

They're going to be wondering.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would talk to the other parent and say, hey, I found out our daughters are dating and we can't do sleepovers.

[Emily]

That was pretty much. Yeah, I know. They're going to be wondering, I would do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Especially if they're close family friends. If you don't know this family, I, I wouldn't feel an obligation, but I wouldn't run. I wouldn't feel the need to run out and be like, oh my gosh, guess what I found about your kid. I wouldn't feel that obligation. But I would say, hey, we found out our daughters are dating and they're in a relationship together and they've been spending the night with each other and we're drawing a hard line on that.

[Emily]

Okay.

[Liz]

That's.

[Emily]

Yeah. The mom and I have kind of become friends through the girls being friends. Okay. And they've just been really good to our daughter. So I just don't want to leave them in the dark, like wondering why we all sudden decided to stop letting her stay the night.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[Ray]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, and okay. And you can sit there open handed with her and say, here's what I found out about her daughters. And she be prepared for her to go. Yeah, I knew that.

[Emily]

I know. I'm like, if she knew and didn't tell us, that's not. To me, that's not cool.

[Ray]

But Right, right.

[Liz]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm way more concerned about the sexual activity of my teenagers than anything else at this point.

[Emily]

Same. Yeah. I just don't want to put her in the position, in that position yet at 15 to be like experimenting and whatever gender it is. I just don't think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, yes. Because you're a good parent. Okay. So yeah, get with your husband and get real clear and we can go from there. Thank you for talking through this with me.

[Liz]

Yeah, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you for wanting to love your daughter.

[Liz]

Well, yeah.

[Emily]

I appreciate your help so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you bet. And if you want to call me back or you come back with your husband or you can call back with your daughter, I won't talk, I won't talk to kids under 18 on the show, but if they call their parents, I'd be happy to. Our kids, man, parents out there, our kids got to know on a, on a, not a regular basis, a daily basis. There will never be someone on your team more than me. That doesn't mean I'm going to approve of everything you do, like depending on your values. That's not going to be mean that you're not going to have a consequence free life. Of course not. Especially. That doesn't mean I'm going to let you do whatever you want, whenever you want to based on safety concerns, etc. But my gosh every one of those decisions is going to be made because I love you forever and ever and ever. We'll be right back. All right. It all started with Cozy Earth towels. These amazing giant comfortable towels that survive the dryer. They're amazing. And then I got a Cozy Earth comforter, and then I got some cozy Earth blankets. And then I got the Cozy Earth socks. And now Cozy earth is in every nook and cranny of my house. I even recently got a pair of their everywhere pants. I was not looking for another pair of pants. As my wife says, I don't need any more pants. But I got the everywhere pants. And like all of the other Cozy Earth gear, they rule. And of course, I want to talk about cozy Earth sheets. These are not normal sheets. They're the best. They're made from viscose from bamboo. Do you know what that means? I. I don't. But I do know this. Cozier sheets are soft and breathable and somehow they keep me cool without freezing me out. And I don't sweat all night. They're just perfect. Cozy Earth sheets help me sleep better. And here's the deal. Cozy Earth will give you a hundred night sleep trial on all of their bedding and a 10 year warranty on everything else. So there's no risk trying out Cozy Earth gear. Try them for yourself. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY with code DeLoney. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here on this show. All right, we're back. Kelly.

[Kelly]

All right, so I have a question about the Together app.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rip it.

[Kelly]

And this one's a little more personal than like the ins and outs and the how it works things. So I want to know first of all, what's your favorite part? And then how have you and Sheila used it and what have you seen from that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The favorite part for me and my wife was if you'd asked both of us, do we do it what I call small. This is a dorky way to say this. Small attenuating bids. Do we do those things every day? We've both been like a thousand percent. Nobody does them better. This app was like, oh, I don't do them like I thought. And especially I don't ask, I don't do the work to find out what are the best bids for her. I do bids as I would want them right. And so I'll tell you, man, we've. When we first got the first prototype in and we started using it at the house. And again, I was doing this just because I thought I need to be able to say, I use this app too. I'm telling you what, man, it changed my house. Getting home and finding a note about my wife seeing me do a certain thing with the kids that she just said, I want you to know, like, that's awesome and I love you. The other day when we were at the beach, I went from. I flew down to Orlando, did that event for three days. It's a super intensive with 2700 business leaders. It's on never, like all day, all night. It's a wild thing. I flew back to Nashville, threw my stuff in a bag, and we drove to Knoxville for my son's state track meet. We spent the night in a hotel there. We drove back and we didn't stay at home. We immediately jumped in and went to Alabama for a family trip we'd planned. And after day two or three, my son's just getting up before God and being like, let's go fishing. She saw it on me and I was just like, I'm out of gas. But I told this kid, we're gonna fish till we can't walk anymore. And so we're going. And she caught me on the way out the door in a way she's never. And she held me and said, I'm watching you be the best dad I've ever seen. Like, Like. But that is the daily. That's us doing that app over and over and over again. And. And so, yeah, it's changed us even. And I wrote it, right? But it's changed us in a pretty powerful way just to constantly be paying attention to how can I love you? And man, it was. It was pretty cool. It gave me some extra, extra gas in the tank. Just seeing her see me right, I felt seen and it was awesome. So cool. You should do it too, Kelly.

[Kelly]

I do it, but my husband, and I'm so ashamed to admit this, has an Android. I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're married to someone with an Android.

[Kelly]

I know, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh, we'll talk about that. I'll call him at the next show. Athletic Brewing Company crafts award winning non alcoholic beers for those who want to be part of every round. With over 185 flavor awards, they're exceptional NA beers that fit your lifestyle and any social occasion. Summer's full of good times and Athletic fits right in. Go to athleticbrewing.com to have brews delivered to your door or find them at a bar, restaurant or store near you. Near Beer Athletic Brewing Co. Fit for all Times.