My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges.
• Episode Title: My Husband Divorced Me Because I Watched Porn
• Release Date: May 28, 2025

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Overview

In this powerful episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney delves into the complex and emotionally charged issue of divorce resulting from pornography use. Through a heartfelt conversation with Anne, a recently divorced caller, the episode explores themes of betrayal, self-blame, coping with grief, and rebuilding self-worth after a painful marital breakdown.

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Main Discussion: Anne’s Story

[00:21] Anne's Introduction and Grief: Anne opens up about her recent divorce of 18 years, attributing it to her husband's discovery of her pornography use. She expresses deep guilt and a sense of failure both as a mother and a partner.

Anne: "I feel immensely guilty and horrible, like I let my son down, like I let myself down and my marriage down. And so I don't know how to cope with moving forward from that."
Timestamp: [00:28]

[00:30] Dr. John's Initial Response: Dr. DeLoney immediately challenges the absolution of blame solely on Anne's pornography use, highlighting the underlying issues in the marriage.

Dr. John DeLoney: "And that's stupid."
Timestamp: [00:30]

[01:31] Deeper Exploration of Marital Betrayal: Anne reveals a deeper layer of marital issues, admitting that she discovered her husband's infidelity multiple times. This revelation shifts the narrative from a one-sided blame to a mutual breakdown based on repeated betrayals.

Anne: "I walked in on him with another woman in our bedroom."
Timestamp: [02:22]

[03:03] Addressing Self-Blame and Shared Responsibility: Dr. DeLoney confronts the unfair burden Anne places on herself, emphasizing that the husband's repeated cheating is a significant factor in the marriage's collapse.

Dr. John DeLoney: "You violated your own moral compass when it comes to pornography... But don't you dare peg the collapse of your marriage on that one thing."
Timestamp: [05:45]

[06:07] Highlighting the Extent of Betrayal: The conversation intensifies as Dr. DeLoney underscores the gravity of her husband's actions, labeling his behavior as a "cosmic different level" of betrayal.

Dr. John DeLoney: "He cheated on you eight times. He had sex with eight different people."
Timestamp: [06:07]

[09:15] Coping with Grief and Seeking Support: Anne discusses her ongoing sadness and fears about her son's perception of the divorce. Dr. DeLoney encourages her to lean on trusted relationships, notably her father, who has been a pillar of strength.

Dr. John DeLoney: "Let that be true in those moments when you don't believe in yourself... You are not a spoiled brat."
Timestamp: [09:24]

[14:45] Reaffirming Self-Worth and Moving Forward: Through a compassionate dialogue, Dr. DeLoney reinforces Anne's self-worth, urging her to recognize that leaving an abusive and untrustworthy relationship was a courageous and necessary step.

Dr. John DeLoney: "You are free... You're a good mom."
Timestamp: [08:58]

[16:19] Practical Support and Resources: Dr. DeLoney offers Anne tangible resources to aid in her healing process, including his book Building a Non-Anxious Life, financial management tools, and mentorship advice to rebuild her life as a single mother.

Dr. John DeLoney: "I'm going to give you a copy of Building a Non-Anxious Life as my gift to you."
Timestamp: [16:19]

[19:02] Affirmation and Self-Love Exercise: In a final exercise to bolster Anne's self-love and confidence, Dr. DeLoney guides her through a self-affirmation ritual, encouraging her to recognize and cherish her own worth.

Dr. John DeLoney: "I want you to say out loud while you slowly tap your chest, 'I love this woman.'"
Timestamp: [19:07]

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Key Themes and Insights

1. Mutual Betrayal in Marital Breakdown:

   • The episode highlights that divorces often result from a combination of factors, including mutual betrayals. Anne's husband's repeated infidelities played a significant role alongside her pornography use.

2. Unfair Self-Blame and Guilt:

   • Anne's intense self-blame for the divorce underscores a common emotional response where individuals take sole responsibility for relationship failures, even when multiple factors are involved.

3. Importance of External Support Systems:

   • Dr. DeLoney emphasizes leaning on trusted individuals, such as family members, to navigate through grief and rebuild self-worth. Anne's relationship with her father serves as a crucial support.

4. Rebuilding Self-Worth and Financial Independence:

   • Practical advice is provided for financial management and personal growth, facilitating Anne's journey towards independence and healing.

5. Self-Love and Affirmation:

   • The self-affirmation exercise encourages personal empowerment and self-care, essential steps in recovering from emotional trauma.

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Notable Quotes

• Anne on Guilt:
  "I feel immensely guilty and horrible, like I let my son down, like I let myself down and my marriage down."
  Timestamp: [00:28]

• Dr. John on Unfair Blame:
  "Don't peg the collapse of your marriage on that one thing."
  Timestamp: [05:45]

• Dr. John on Betrayal:
  "He cheated on you eight times. He had sex with eight different people."
  Timestamp: [06:07]

• Dr. John on Freedom:
  "You are free... You're a good mom."
  Timestamp: [08:58]

• Self-Love Exercise:
  "Say out loud while you slowly tap your chest, 'I love this woman.'"
  Timestamp: [19:07]

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Conclusion

This episode offers a compassionate and insightful exploration of the emotional turmoil following a divorce attributed to pornography use. Through Anne's story, Dr. John DeLoney provides listeners with valuable perspectives on shared responsibility in relationship breakdowns, the detrimental effects of self-blame, and the pathways to healing and self-empowerment. The conversation serves as a comforting guide for anyone grappling with similar challenges, emphasizing the importance of self-love, support systems, and practical steps towards rebuilding one's life.

Transcript

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Big news. New dates for money and marriage. Getaway just dropped for Valentine's Day weekend, 2026. Get [e-mail] events to get away with your spouse in Nashville, Tennessee.

[Anne]

I'm recently divorced. He found out I was looking at porn and he said, well, I wouldn't have cheated had you been, you know, giving yourself physically to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's stupid.

[Anne]

My ex husband is very angry with and I know that his family.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why? Hold on.

[Anne]

Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're so blinded by the gas lights. They're so bright. What's going on, everybody? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Thanks for joining us. Talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriage. Taking calls from all over the planet. Can't do anything about what's going on in the news. Can't do much about much of anything. But we can begin to acknowledge the person we see in the mirror. We can be present for our families. We can figure out what's the next right move for ourselves. And that's what this show's about. People pulling up a seat at the table and just saying, hey, man, I'm struggling and my promise is I'll sit with you if you want to be on the show, reach out. John Deloney. D E L o n y johndelony.com Ask A S K Love to have you on the show. Billings, Montana. Let's talk to Anne. What's up, Anne?

[Anne]

Hi. Thank you for having me on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's going on?

[Anne]

So I'm recently divorced and I'm a crier. So just FYI, I'm a crier too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm a crier too. So. Good.

[Anne]

I'm good at crying at people. So anyways, I, I'm recently divorced. I was with my ex husband for 18 years and married for eight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And.

[Anne]

I guess my, I guess the ultimate question is I did look at porn during my marriage and I feel immensely guilty and horrible, like I let my son down, like I let myself down and my marriage down. And so I don't know how to cope with moving forward from that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you pegging pornography as, as the reason you're not married anymore?

[Anne]

Well, I, that's what my ex husband told me. But I also know in reality I walked in on him with another woman in our bedroom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And let's start there.

[Anne]

Yeah, he stepped out on me, I think at least eight times that I know of in our relationship. And I like to call it, I have like the major ostrich effect where I just buried my Head in the sand. I just turned a blind eye to a lot of things, but. Oh, go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The straw. That's not the straw that broke the camel's back. You coming up for. For air is not the straw that broke the camel's back. You saying no more is not the straw that broke the camel's back.

[Anne]

Yeah, he, he found that I was looking at porn and he said, well, I wouldn't have cheated had you been, you know, giving yourself emotional, like physically to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's stupid. That's stupid. Were you, were you using other tools besides coming to the table with your husband and saying, I'm not okay with living a life where I have, where I'm dead in my own skin. Did you, did you pull off to the side of the road? Yep. You did. When I recommend that having the secrets inside of a house, right. Like going elsewhere for the feeling, a lot of that feeling of aliveness. No, I wouldn't. But for somebody to say, you did this. So I went and did something. Nonsense. He made a grown up choice over and over and over and over again.

[Anne]

Yeah, I feel horrible about it though. Like, horrible.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go beneath the pornography. Do you feel, do you feel horrible that you didn't tell them the truth for 20 years?

[Anne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you feel horrible that you were worth more than putting your head in the sand? Are you, do you feel horrible that you don't trust yourself because you knew for all these years what was going on and you chose not to do anything about it? Because I think, I think you feel horrible potentially. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's all about pornography. I just don't think so. You violated your own moral compass when it comes to pornography. Fine. And you're allowed to feel guilty. We're all. Guilt is a good emotion. It signals us when we have violated one of our own internal values. And if that's a value you violated, cool. Feel guilty. But don't you dare peg the, the collapse of your marriage on that one thing. Similarly, flip it around. If he was looking at pornography, which would put him 90 plus percent of all men in America and you cheated on him eight different times with eight different men. If you looked at him and said, hey, this is your fault, come on.

[Anne]

Yeah, I know in reality, like, I can see, I can see that writing on the wall. And I do know you're right. I think I just, I know it's going to come up as my son grows up and I know that he's. My ex husband is very angry with me and I know that his family?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why? Hold on.

[Anne]

Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're so blinded by the gas lights. They're so bright. He cheated on you eight times. He had sex with eight different people.

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call me crazy. That is a different level of betrayal in my book. It is.

[Anne]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a cosmic different level.

[Anne]

He said it was me stepping out ultimately on him as well, because I wasn't wanting to be physical with him because I was scared of. I didn't know who he was with. Therefore I wasn't wanting to have relations often with him at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Stop, stop, stop, stop. Are you crazy? You're not crazy. I don't want to say, are you crazy? I'm saying that in a loving way. Like, if we were sitting together, you would see me smiling. So if nothing else on this call, let me tell you, you're not nuts. No. If every time I had sex with my wife, I was worried about getting a disease, getting sick, not being able to be there for my son down the road, having to go to the doctor and go through insanely invasive checkups like Ann. Like this guy has. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Let's say, just for devil's advocate, this is a hundred percent your fault. And because you didn't want to have sex with him, he. He felt license to go have sleep with eight other people. By the way, that's the number. You know. You know it's more than that. I know it's more than that.

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have the power to force him into another woman's bed? Do you have that kind of power?

[Anne]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you even have the power when you were married to spend money like you wanted to?

[Anne]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you even have the power to parent like you wanted to? To drive what you wanted to drive? No.

[Anne]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've never had that kind of power in this relationship. And because he's embarrassed, his own family is looking at him and saying, your marriage fell apart. Because he's a lying coward. He figured out how to take all of the. Just the mountain of things he did to violate your trust, to violate your relationship, to violate your safety, to violate being a good male role model for your son. He did all that and just handed it to you. And because you've always carried that lack of power, you decided to pick this one up, too.

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what I hear. Tell me. And again, divorce is catastrophic. People blow it off. It is catastrophic. It's awful. It's awful. But listen to me, sister. You are free.

[Anne]

I. I know that. And I'm happy in that sense, but I'm also. I wake up still this immense sadness all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about the. Tell me about the sadness. Tell me about it.

[Anne]

Well, I feel again like I just let my son down and let me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just let me free you from that. This is gonna sound nuts, what I say. I know many men who are exceptional parents, good loving fathers, and they struggled. Pornography. Your husband blew up your marriage, period.

[Anne]

Yeah. That sadness, though, I feel so immensely. And I see him, my ex husband, and he's now with the girl, but I walked in on him with. And they have a child now and I. They look like earth rising and I'm just here, I feel. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. Were you thriving under him?

[Anne]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Okay, then. Exhale. It's all a social media mirage. And you're right to be heartbroken. You're right to understand the ramifications of a. Of a young boy growing up in a single mother home. You're right. It's going to be tough for him. And you're going to need to get some mentors. You're going to need to surround him with men who are actually decent human beings. But you going around and beating yourself up because you escaped from a wildly unsafe relationship is not going to help him. You being heartbroken and sad. I wanted you to have a stable home. And I married. I made a child with somebody who lacked such basic common decency and integrity even when he did choose to be a serial cheater and repeatedly put your mother, your mommy, at risk. I tried to keep this thing together because I believed in my guts having a two parent household was going to be better for you in the long run. And that just didn't. It didn't work out. I'm sorry. Heartbroken. Okay. Yes, sometimes. Sometimes. Well, I don't want to go down that road. Like, I guess I'm just heartbroken because this was an incredibly emotionally abusive and manipulative relationship. And for some reason. Not for some reason, I know why, but I'm trying to be over the top a little bit. Okay. For some reason you have framed a picture of your husband and you still invite him to dinner every night to speak in on how you're cooking, how you're raising your boy, how you look, how you feel.

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that. That guy never deserved that voice into your life, and he especially doesn't now. And who gives five bags of farts what his family thinks about you?

[Anne]

Yeah. I think it's so embarrassing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What? What's embarrassing? That your husband sucks and you Escaped?

[Anne]

Well, he's. The fact that he's just told everybody about it and then just. I don't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on, hold on. Like, let's dig into that. Who's. Everybody.

[Anne]

He's told friends of ours, mutual friends of ours. He's like, my son played football and he was the coach and he had told several people on the team about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It and they tell him about all the, all the people he cheated with.

[Asher]

No, I have not noted he.

[Anne]

Oh, no, he didn't. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so all you have to do is smile and say, he is a pathological liar. And I'm moving on with my life because I know I'm a good mom and I know I did every single solitary thing I could do to keep that stupid marriage together. And then I'm walking away. And I know that, I know that sounds easy and I know you're, you're other circles because by the way, a guy who is deceitful in that way to his wife and to his son is deceitful with the other coaches. He's deceitful with his friends. He's deceitful with his family. They listen and they know. They know there's the occasion that somebody has a long term affair or a one night stand and it stuns everybody. Someone who's a serial cheater. They all know. All their wives feel uncomfortable when he's around. They know. The husbands know that he's kind of eyeballing their wife or their daughters. They know. Everybody knows.

[Anne]

Right. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

[Anne]

When we went to mediation the first time because I had to beg him to do it because he kept saying he didn't want the divorce. But eventually we got to mediation and at the end of it like a nine and a nine and a half hour day, the mediator said he's just a spoiled brat and a bully. Good luck. And I know that I could see all these things and everybody's pointing out that kind of behavior to me and it's just. I don't know, these blinders are on and I just. It's wild. I don't know how to cope. I don't know how to move forward in a healthy way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Tell me about your dad.

[Anne]

My dad is the best man I've ever met.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What makes him the best man you've ever met?

[Anne]

He is a constant. He's strong and kind and protective of his family. Love this unconditionally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you sat down and said, dad, my husband had eight nefarious that he's admitted to and God knows however many else.

[Anne]

Oh, my God knows.

[Asher]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And is your dad known that his daughter looked at porn, too?

[Anne]

Yes, I was upfront with it all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And did your dad get up from his side of the table and come over and give you a hug and say, I love you?

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then let that be true in those moments when you don't believe in yourself. And by the way, this grief is heavy. And the grief makes everything dark outside. All of us, myself included, need people we trust and we love to say, I know that you don't see the light, but it's light out here. Follow me.

[Anne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you're not a spoiled brat. And so you also trust your dad that if you had been in the wrong, he would have said, I'm so sorry, honey, you blew this thing up. I love you. I'll sit with you. And he didn't do that, did he?

[Anne]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, because he's a respectable man.

[Anne]

He is definitely that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so in these moments, I. I guess if. If you get nothing from this call, you're not crazy. You didn't blow this thing up, did you? Violate your own core value? Yeah. We all do. And we all wonder if we're worthy of being loved. And thank God you have somebody. Many people have nobody. You've got at least one person that looks up and says, no, no, no, no, no. You're my daughter. You're worth being loved.

[Anne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you choosing to respect yourself and keep yourself safe was not a violation of your marriage contract. It's you being human. It's you being smart, you being wise. Here's what we're going to do next. I'm going to give you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life as my gift to you. Okay. I'm going to send. We're going to mail it out to you.

[Anne]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The other thing I'm going to give you is I work here at Ramsey Solutions, and I'm going to send you our flagship product, which is to help people get control of their finances. As a single mom, that's a terrifying proposition for you. I know that. Having a guy who cheated on you so many times over so many years still drag you through nine hours of mediation, blaming you the whole way is a four year old emotionally. And that tells me that you have been squashed financially, too. Is that right?

[Anne]

Oh, my gosh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'm going to send you the financial products, too. I'm going to send you every dollar, the apps you can begin to gain control of it I'm going to send you all nine lessons. They're digital videos. I'm in one of them. Um, and my colleagues are in all of them. And you, I want you to watch them. How old's your son?

[Anne]

He's nine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Have him watch them, too. Watching with mom. And what you. Here's what you're going to get to. He's going to get to see. He's going to get a ringside seat to watching an adult, a mother who he knows loves him, slowly regain her footing. And here's what I think you're going to find. You feel like you're drowning, but what you don't realize is the water you're standing in is about nine inches deep. And you're going to slowly begin to learn some skills financially. You're going to learn some skills relationally. That's what I'm going to send you in my book for free. And you're going to slowly start to stand up and realize, oh, my gosh, this water's around my ankles. And it is going to feel super awkward making decisions on your own because you've never been allowed to do that. Okay. Just expect it. It's going to feel weird and hard. You're going to feel like, I don't know. What's the next right move? What's the ne. I don't know. What's the next right move? Make it. And then if it's the wrong one, go. Ah, I blew that one. And then we're going to keep moving forward. Is that. You get what I'm saying?

[Anne]

Yes. Yes, 100%. I work two jobs now, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you know why? Because you're a good mom.

[Anne]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you have high integrity. Because you can do math. You know, we need more money now. Now. Last thing before I let you go. You've probably heard me do this on the show before. I want you to do it for everybody listening, but especially for yourself. Okay? I want you to make a fist with the hand that you write with. Are you doing that right now?

[Anne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to put that right in the middle of your chest. And I want you to say out loud while you slowly tap your chest, I love this woman.

[Russell]

Nope.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say it loud and proud, sister.

[Anne]

I love this woman.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? This is day one. This is the day one where you start loving you through action, too. Okay?

[Anne]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're gonna watch these videos. You're gonna read the books. You're gonna go see a counselor. But I believe in you. And you call me anytime, and I'll give you any resource I got and I'll walk alongside you anytime. If you know of some other resource, I'm going to send you all the the questions for humans, for parents and kids and parents and friends too. I want you to begin to use these with your 9 year olds because here's what we're going to do. We're going to build connection from the inside out. We're going to have breakfast together with that little nine like nine year old and we're going to use these questions for humans and we're going to slowly develop internal relationship. He's going to love the chocolate chip cookies and the chaos at his dad's house and the four wheelers and the jet skis, but his nervous system will know when I go see mom, I'm safe, I'm loved and I'm known. Thanks for the call, sister. Coming up next, we talk to a man who is thinking about being homeless again. Okay, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading people right back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks with a ph where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you and be your friend and be all trying to help you out. And you get an email or a text or a phone call and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you. They're not. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what's any of us to do? You can start by controlling what you can. You can learn about how to be careful offline and online and you can sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Delete Me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having all of my data and trying to sell it to each other. Deleteme has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop phishing attacks, stop online harassment and threats before they start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com Deloney today for 20% off their annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join j o I n delete me.com Deloney hey, here's a quick word about the best mattress in the world. Helix Mattresses. Spring is here. And that means the darkness and the cold has finally lifted and we can get back into the swing of actually being living human beings. Spring break, summer plans. I feel like I'm coming back to life. So listen, let's reset. Most of us have already blown our resolutions out of the water. Let's reset and make today day one for a great year. And the top of the list of the reset. Great sleep. Great sleep is the foundation for everything in our lives. And this is where my friends at Helix come in. Clutch. I've slept on everything. Cheap mattresses, bad hotel mattresses, hunting camp sleep pads, overpriced mattresses, you name it. But when I switched to my Helix mattress, everything changed. I fall asleep faster, I fall asleep deeper. And I wake up feeling restored, rested, and ready to rock and roll. And because every person is different, Helix has a mattress designed just for you. Side sleeper, back sleeper sleep. Hot. Sleep cold. Your spine need a little extra care. Whatever it is, Helix Mattresses have got you covered. You can take the Helix sleep quiz just like I did. It takes less than two minutes. And you get online and they'll help you find the perfect mat mattress for you. Plus, helix gives you 100 nights to try it out risk free. Right now, my audience gets 27% off site wide, plus a free bedding bundle with any Lux or elite mattress purchase. Go to helixsleep.com deloney and if you get a post purchase survey, tell them you heard about it on this show. Go to helix sleep.com Deloney with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, Columbia, South Carolina. Let's talk to Asher. What's up, Asher?

[Asher]

Hey, Dr. John. It's super wild to be talking to you right now. This is amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's wild to be talking to you, brother. Appreciate your call, man. What's up?

[Asher]

Cool deal. So I guess my concise version version of the question is, would it be wrong or like a bad. Such a bad thing to make enough money to just afford cheap food and gasoline and just live in my car again. And I'll elaborate on that in a little bit if you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I'd love to dig in. I just. On its face, I mean, I wouldn't judge that as good or bad. I might judge that as wise or unwise or smart or dumb. But I wouldn't, I wouldn't categorize that as a. As a moral issue. Tell me, tell me what you're thinking.

[Asher]

Yeah, so last month I was in between living situations for about two weeks. And what does that mean? What does that mean money?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Asher]

Just like the lease on my other place ended before the next one started.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Asher]

So, you know, nowhere to go for just a little bit. Not, not super long, just like two weeks and all that. But the options were either get like a hotel and pay the two week pay two weeks of that, or just live in my car for that period of time. And I chose the latter. And you know, people kind of, I guess maybe you're like, like fear that and stuff like that. It was not that bad at all. It wasn't, it wasn't that bad really. And you know, I just, I'm in my new apartment now and it's a pretty nice place in the city and everything like that. But I'm kind of like ruminating on like during those two weeks I felt like I was just kind of living in a box, like parking lot to parking lot. And now it just kind of feels like I'm living in a slightly bigger box but paying a whole bunch of money for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Asher]

Does that make sense?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, totally. So how old are you?

[Asher]

I'm 26.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, cool.

[Asher]

No, no family? No family or anything?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure, sure.

[Asher]

Depending on me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Well, yeah, I did have people that.

[Asher]

If I, if I did have dependents, this would be a completely different story. But it's not so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. I think, I think the balance for 26 year olds and for 36 year olds and I'm especially talking to people who aren't married and who don't have children, dependents, it's a tough balance to begin to do things that will honor future you. When you have a seat with 50 year old you, will he be glad that you're not married, that you don't have any kids, that you don't have any dependence, that you haven't done this thing that the research says makes you quote unquote less happy, which is a stupid metric in the short term, but that gives you purpose and meaning for all of the rest of your life. And let's, let's cross our fingers that you've got 70 more years left, 60 more years left. Or do we do the next convenient thing or the next easy thing or the next opt out thing just because we can. Here's a good example. Let's take, let's take living in a car off the table. 26. You're working, you have a good job.

[Asher]

I had a good job. I'm kind of, kind of in the, in between my like career path right now. I have a background in software sales.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Asher]

But the thing is I've like, I'm three years out of college and I've blown through five of those jobs in a course of three years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Asher]

And I've just, during that time I've just been doing like little odd jobs, like little things on Craigslist that people need done, driving doordash, like just any little thing. And during my time in like, like software sales and stuff like that, I would just like I would go to work, get up at the same time and like kind of just grind it out to be, to be able to like, you know, keep the lights on, pay rent and stuff like that. And I don't really have that high of standards. I don't really need a whole lot. So like I just, I've been in the state of mind right now where it's just like, like, okay, like, like, like you get up and do all that. Like, like why you don't, you don't need it and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Asher]

And you clearly don't like. Good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I was gonna say like that same thing applies for you right now with, with lifting weights. Like why I'm not playing football, I'm not in college athlete, I'm not fighting anybody. Why in your 60 year old self whose hip has degenerated and I've got to do 40 years with artificial hips or I can't move and my health has fallen off a cliff, is going to say, man, I wish you had have. And so you're right doing the calculation right now. You have no responsibilities and you have no purpose. And so when you are absent those two things, which by the way, this is a cultural issue, this is not an Asher issue, man. So I'm not coming at you like you are. You are asking the questions that everyone should be asking right now. The job market is chaos. They told us a bill of goods going to college is going to solve all of our problems. That if you just get this degree and you probably listened a job in stem. Cool. Great. And exactly what I did.

[Asher]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're like, this sucks. I keep getting laid off, I keep getting fired, I keep book, whatever the. I'm just gonna tell you right now the greatest gift you could give 27 year old Asher. The greatest gift you could give 37 year old Asher, the greatest gift you could give 77 year old Asher is not stuff. So the question about should I live in my car? I could give you all the data on how your amygdala functions in an unsafe environment. It feels cool to take a two week vacation and go camping. I would Never recommend anyone pack up and move to the woods. Right. That comes at a cost. Yeah, what I'm telling. But what you felt was a. You've been living in a failure factory for the last five years since you graduated college. And it just felt good to opt out for a minute. The greatest gift you could give yourself, your 27 year old self and on is to go find a squat bar and get under it. And I'm not talking about a weight room. The greatest gift you can give yourself is responsibilities. The greatest gift you could give yourself is purpose. And you don't have either of those things. Responsibilities to a young adult, to somebody in their 20s and 30s is the weightlifting for your mind and your body and your spirit. And so I don't. It may be a bad quote unquote investment to have an apartment. I love the fact that you signed a contract. You gotta go do something.

[Asher]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to. The question is the thing you've been trying to do for five years is killing you. So let me back all the way out, dude. What do you want to do? Or more importantly, who do you want to be?

[Asher]

Oh, that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not going to have any purpose in life. You're going to continue to flounder until you find a place where you can contribute. And that's responsibility.

[Asher]

What means would you say are the best of going about finding that thing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna send you. I'm my buddy Ken Coleman. He. He's got a small book out but the. The importance of the book. It's called finding the work you're wired to do. I'm gonna send it to you for free. But inside of it's got an assessment like what are even like here I am, I've got it. I've got student loan debt. I've got this. Or maybe you do or don't, but I got this job, I got this degree. This thing has gone away.

[Asher]

Nope. I don't. I don't have any debt or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, great. Cool. So you're. You're at Even Steven, which is awesome. And that allows you to even ask this question. Can I just opt out of the system? Of course. But my buddy, Josh Milburn. Yeah he, he runs the minimalist. It's not about buying stuff. And maybe you're figuring this out before most people figured out at 50 or 60 they got a lot of stuff and they are hollow.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're looking around be like I just stepped in my car. It's kind of awesome. I could go sleep, whatever Parking lot I wanted, etc. Yeah, like the other stuff feels futile.

[Asher]

I don't. And it seems like, I think the kind of genesis of where this all is coming from is that like, like find, finding a meaningful career that's not only not only something that you like doing, but is also able to support a family and like maybe, maybe burn down a mortgage eventually. It's just, it's something that everybody's, everybody else is doing and it's so strange to me. It's so, it's so predictable. I don't, and I don't know, it's very easy to get like winded from that the more that you think about it, I guess. And that's kind of, kind of where I've been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that's a pretty audacious thing for a 26 year old. Just throw out. What do you mean?

[Asher]

So I'll give you an example. My brother and best friend are the main people that I talk to and they're moving on with different stages of their life, getting married and all that stuff. And I see them a lot, a lot less now. And you know, I get that they have different priorities now and everything like that, but it just. The things that they want are basically the same. And I don't. None of them really sound that exciting at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would, I would say a. Excitement is a horrific metric to chase.

[Asher]

Okay, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Novelty and fun. I'm all about that. I like, I like excitement on the path where I'm going. But you get excitement when your team wins the championship or you get excited when you find a solution to something. I remember a guy, one time I was in a neighborhood and there was a bad storm and our power went out and this guy came in at 3:30 in the morning on this huge truck and he climbed up and redid the transformer at three in the morning in the rain and he clicked it back on and I was out there with him and I said, I yelled up to him, you just gave my family light back. Thank you. He smiled and said, that's what I do. So it doesn't have to be like curing cancer.

[Asher]

I understand what you're saying. Yeah, yeah, I get that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where does, where does this, where does the cynicism come from?

[Asher]

I don't know. You know, when I was kind of late college I used to tutor people as a side hustle and stuff like that. And it was cool like seeing like I would have like parents like review me and stuff like that. And it, it wasn't just like, you know, My kid has a B instead of a C now. It was like, yeah, he has a little more confidence now. It was like kind of cool just having someone to just talk to, not only about like school stuff, but also about like kind of ways of thinking about things. And that was like way more rewarding than anything that I did in like tech sales. Even though it made more money.

[Russell]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why in the world aren't you chasing that down? What the world needs is a bunch of people who inside. Well, forget the money part, forget the fame part, forget the business part of it. Are doing things that light them up because that's what is going to. People are gonna be attracted to that. And if you don't know anything, if everything's just running low, right? Everything's just low. I get no joy out of anything. I get no, like out of everything. You gotta go sit down and talk to somebody, man.

[Asher]

Like a professional.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, absolutely, 100%. And you can roll your eyes. I'm not gonna pay for a. I'm not. That's just, that's just a cynicism talking.

[Asher]

No, I've paid for it before. He's a cool guy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, hang on the line here, brother. I'm gonna hook you up. I don't want you to think in terms of good and bad. I want you to sit down and have an imagine. Write your, write your 50 year old self a letter and say, at 26, I made some choices. And because I made these choices, here's your life at 50. And I'll tell you what. I burned myself to the ground. I burned the candle all the way down in my 20s and it almost cost me my marriage, it almost cost me friendships. It cost me a lot. And so I'm not recommending burning it like I did. But I'm often in moments of quiet and solitude. I'm really grateful for my 20 year old self because I am living in a house built on the foundation that my 20 year old self, when I didn't have a lot of responsibilities, man, I went all in. I'm super grateful that when things were awkward that I chose to go in again. And I didn't just choose to sit down and opt out of the game because I was too clever, sophisticated or pessimistic about the whole thing. Yeah, hang on the line. I' hook you up with, with my buddy Ken stuff. And we'll get you, we'll get you connected there. I think your answer isn't what you told me. If you were my friend and we were just having a Drink at a local pub. I would tell you, I think you know. And it's going to be hard to let software sales go because that's quote unquote who you are. It's not who you are. You're a guy that likes to sit next to people and help them find who they're supposed to be. And that's a great gift. The world needs more of that. Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, we're talking to a man who's trying to figure out what's the best way to support a friend who's going through a hard time. Yo, listen, I understand the struggle. You're juggling work, parenting, eating right and a million other things. You're tired and you're wired and exhausted all at the same time. And you're trying to hold everything together. I get it. But there are some small daily choices that all of us can make to feel a little more clear headed and a little less anxious so we can show up and be steady and strong and whole for the people we love. For me, one of those little choices I make every single day includes using Organifi juices and gummies. Organifi products are great because they don't just support your physical health, they contribute to mental clarity and emotional balance too. Organifi offers a range of organic superfood blends that are super easy to fit into your daily routine even when you're on the go. I travel a lot and I always have Organifi travel packs with me. You just mix them with water and they're ready to rock and roll. I love Organifi's green juice for a great start in the morning. And I love their red juice for caffeine free energy in the morning and in the afternoon. And of course, I love the Sheila Jet and the creatine and the Happy drop gummies. I love gummies and I love, love healthy gummies for a delicious take on important nutrients. Good folks. Organifi makes it simple to take proactive steps towards better health. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off. That's Organifi.com DeLoney Go check them out. All right, Phoenix, Arizona. Let's talk to Russell. What's up, Russell?

[Russell]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. What's up with you, man?

[Russell]

Oh, not much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I do.

[Russell]

Before I get into my question, I do want to just give you guys some gratitude and say I appreciate all you do. Found your show like a year ago and it Got me through some. Some pretty rough stuff. So I appreciate all that you do and I'm excited to talk to you, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That means. That means the world to me, brother. I'm really appreciative. Thank you so much, man.

[Russell]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Russell]

Yeah, so I wanted to call. So I've got one of my ride or dies, 15 plus year long friendship.

[Asher]

He.

[Russell]

I was in his wedding a couple years ago and he found out probably a couple weeks ago now that his wife has cancer. And it's pretty heavy. And I just want to. I want to figure out how I can support him and her, obviously, because I just like, this is luckily the first time in my life that I've had someone that I know this close that has been diagnosed. And I just like, I don't know how to help my friend. And that's, that's really what I want to do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, man. You're a good man, dude.

[Russell]

I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about this cancer. What, what does she have?

[Russell]

Stage four brain cancer.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gosh.

[Russell]

Yeah. So they did, they did surgery a couple weeks ago. Got a lot of it, but not all of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Russell]

So they're going to, they're going to treat it and we'll go from there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what's the prognosis usually with. With stage four brain cancer, they can tell you you got six months, you got max of 10 years. Yeah.

[Russell]

I haven't asked. Like, try not to poke too much. It's like that weird, you know, like where you want to be supportive but you like, they're going through it and they're. I mean, we're there right in the thick of it. So I don't want to pry for too much information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Russell]

We do live like five or six hours apart, so I haven't been able to see them yet, but just phone calls.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I'm going to tell you the two things people have come back and told me over the course of my career that they were most grateful for when they were going through something similar.

[Russell]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And one of my oldest, best friends in the world who I don't talk about on the show very often, he is. He's in one of what I would call in the vault friends. He went through the same exact thing. And I was in his wedding and I was at his wife's funeral when she passed. A brain cancer. Okay. The two things that have come back repeatedly over and over. I haven't done this perfect every time. In fact, I've screwed it up royally multiple times is they've come Back and said nobody would ask us the hard questions. And you seem unfazed. And you just asked. Okay, and so what. Feels like you're dancing around like, I don't want to. I don't want to pry too much. They will tell you. If I'm not ready to talk about this, I don't want to talk about it.

[Russell]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I remember my friend when she got. And she was a close friend. I consider her close to, like, man, he's one of my brothers. Um, and when she got sick, man, I was. I was asking all kind of questions. How much time they got? Where is it? Like, what do they do? Like, asking as many questions. And I'll tell you this. As the cancer progressed and she got closer and closer to passing away, it was made very. She was very clear, and so was her husband. Hey, let's. It's not. We just want to talk about it right now. Awesome. Okay, so that was number one. And this could be as easy as asking, all right, so what kind of cancer is it? And, man, what kind of prognosis are they giving you? Usually with this type of stage 4 aggressive brain cancer, they will say a home run is 10 years. Most people hit singles, and they get four. Occasionally, people get nine months. Right. They'll tell you that kind of ballpark. And so asking that question directly is not out of bounds. And in fact, it can often be a relief because both of them are carrying it. And as most people who get cancer find out, they find themselves responsible for how everybody else around them feels. And so asking those direct questions can often be a gift. Like, I'll carry some.

[Russell]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not scared of that.

[Russell]

Yeah, that. Yeah, that. I mean, that. That actually resonates pretty hard. I know They've obviously had a bunch of family coming into town, and obviously there's just a lot going on for them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Russell]

This is one of the first times. Like, I mean, we. Like I said, he's. I mean, to use your words, one of the in the vault friends, for sure. And this is one of the first times he's called me and kind of broken down to me, he's just first responder, ultimate tough guy. Like, awesome, awesome dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let me tell you this. If there's any possible way you can get on a plane and go down there and see her, see him.

[Russell]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do that. Even if you have to fly on a Friday night, only spend Saturday and fly out Sunday morning. Go do that.

[Russell]

Yep. Yeah, no, that. So we. He called me two Fridays ago now, and I. That was My first response, it was like, hey, man, I'm getting in the car. It's five hours. It's. It's not going to take me very much time. Like, let's hammer out a day that works for you guys in the next week. And then they, they had some additional family come in, so we paused that and then I'm actually on a work vacation right now, but I land. I go back Friday and then I have a flight booked for the next week. They don't know I have a flight booked yet. But I just. It was one of those, I'm gonna. I'm gonna do it and show up. And I think that's the right thing to do. But you know, you just like, with a situation like this, you never really know what is right and what is wrong.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't ask how can I help. Just show up.

[Russell]

Okay. Yeah, I know that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you send food, if you just start making. You. You put a note on yourself and you start having food delivered every Monday, they can be grown ups and throw it in the trash.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just show up.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I. Your. Your buddy who's a first responder, tough guy, would be really out of it would be out of character for him to say, hey, I need you here just to give you a hug. He's not gonna say that.

[Asher]

Yeah. Oh, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

His wife's certainly not gonna say that. And by the way, people get flooded with family that cannot. That doesn't always mean it's a good thing because a whole bunch of family shows up and wants you to make them feel better when you're dying of cancer. Right.

[Russell]

Yeah. Y.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So sometimes showing up and be like, dude, I'm getting us out of here. I remember going to a bar and having beer out of a bar. I used to. I used to love this woman because she was only. She would just crush beers out of a bottle. I think that was the coolest thing. Um, and she was hilarious and she was amazing and just saying, all right, we're done with all of the whiny heiny. We're all going out. We went to a Social Distortion concert together. Like, it was like it, it. We went and did stuff until stuff. We couldn't do it anymore. So that's number one.

[Russell]

Yeah, I mean that, that sounds. That sounds great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So number one is that. And number two, don't send what I call text bombs. Hey, how are you? Don't send text. Like thinking about you. Pick up the stupid phone and call.

[Russell]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And don't give them another job to do you tell me how you're doing?

[Russell]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just call it with a funny joke. With a funny meme. With a funny. All right, so you got the cancers. What's up? Yeah, a buddy of mine recently had a quadruple bypass, and he's like, 48 years old. I'm gonna tell you what my phone call was like with him. Deloney, is this you? Dude? I heard your heart exploded. That's how I started the call. He started laughing so hard, I thought he's gonna have another Going to cardiac arrest again. Now, hey, now, that's not my wife's personality. That's not everybody's personality. Right. That's just how. That's me. But here's the message I sent to him. You're sick. You're going through a tough time. I'm not suddenly gonna be like, oh, because I don't stitch things into pillows.

[Russell]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm still gonna love you. Fool me. The last thing is say, way less than you think.

[Russell]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sometimes just. Dude, I'm calling. This sucks.

[Russell]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not. Hey, dude, I've been Googling, and I found there's a new. None of that.

[Russell]

Yeah, I think they're probably doing enough Googling themselves. I don't need to. I don't need to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And, hey, do you mind if I do something? Do you mind tagging in here? Kelly?

[Kelly]

Of course not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kelly's a cancer survivor. I'm. I'm rattling things off to Russell here. Anything out of bounds that I've said. And B, is there anything else you want to throw in here? No.

[Kelly]

So I think Russell just reiterate a couple of things he said that were the best were. You know, don't ask them how they're doing.

[Russell]

Okay.

[Kelly]

And don't ask them what you can do because they're so overwhelmed and nobody wants to tell somebody. Here's the things that I need you to do. It's just a weird thing to say. And the biggest one is don't make them make you feel better.

[Russell]

Yep.

[Kelly]

Everybody else's emotions are exhausting, especially during a time like this. They are exhausting. And so to have to make them. You know, if you go sit over there and you're boohooing and bawling and crying and all that. Excuse me. They have to take care of you and tell you how they're going to be okay and how it's going to be okay, and that's not beneficial to them at all, and it's. It's. It's just exhausting. Frank talk. I had a couple that sat. Or that was our next door neighbor at the time when I was diagnosed. And they invited me over for coffee, sat down and they're like, all right, tell us everything about it. Because most people don't want to know or they don't, you know, they don't know how to say, just tell us everything. And it was very cathartic for me to be able to sit down and pour out everything that was going on because most people just want to give platitudes, well meaning but still platitudes. So just be frank and honest about it because trust me, they already know what's going on. So it's not like you're going to tiptoe around it because you don't want to say the wrong thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're very well aware in a case like this, nobody's going to ask them, hey, are you going to die?

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes that's the question they are desperate for somebody to ask them.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think that's one of the first things I asked Kelly, are you going to die? And she's like, no, John, like. And this is Kelly's personality and this is my personality. Kelly, I can assure you there were times when you came back to work that if people had heard some of your inner circles, some of the jokes we were making, that would have been very uncomfortable.

[Kelly]

Oh, trust. I had a whole, a whole group of people that I was like, this is so demented how we. But it's how I processed it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yes, 100%. Nothing is right or wrong. Whatever it takes for them to process it. Right is what matters.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, Russell, there's going to be people who are struggling with cancer. Your friend, that may not be funny.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kelly and I have a mutual friend and colleague right now is going through some tough stuff. That wouldn't be a great way to handle it with that person.

[Russell]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Russell]

No, yeah, I get that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that person is. You're going to handle that differently. But I think the thing is to keep true to the nature of the friendship. But my oldest friend on planet earth is a paraplegic, was in a terrible car accident. And I remember me and him, I mean me and his brother and one of our other rider die friends. These are, these are 45 plus year friendships. Right. I remember we were in a. Not a Waffle House. What's the pancake?

[Kelly]

Ihop.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ihop. And we were all saying, hey, are we going to just stop making jokes? And I remember we're like, nope, he doesn't get a pass just because he's in a wheelchair. He's still our brother, dude. And then it's like, yeah, all right, game on. And it's, dude, we've gotten stopped at restaurants. We've gotten stopped at parking lots. It's. There's been some moments. They're like, that's probably too far. And by the way, he dishes out, too. But all I have to say is this. Keep the nature of your friendship whole.

[Russell]

Okay. Yeah, that's. I mean, that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Russell]

I mean, this over, like, a couple weeks into this now, and that is. I have felt myself being like, dude.

[Asher]

I don't know what to say.

[Russell]

Yeah, like, nothing I can physically say is going to make the situation any better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, but. But you. You will.

[Russell]

Yeah. I mean, it gives me a lot of. I don't want to say permission, but it, like, gives me relief that, like, just keeping. Keeping our friendship going, like, it's gone for the last 15 years, is. Will bring some sort of maybe relief or distraction, if you will, something like that that will just, you know, give them a break from all that they're going through. Because, yeah, that's the last thing I want to do is, like, they don't need to make me feel better about it. I'm sad for them. I'm sad for my friend, but the last thing I need them to do is to console me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. But sometimes if your friends have a demented sense of humor, like me and my friends do, getting online and ordering them two dozen cupcakes that have the words, you know, f cancer on them is hilarious. Yeah, making a demented cake is hilarious. And other times, showing up with flowers and a hug. If that's the nature of your friendship and that's the person on the other end of this thing, that's who. That's who you would have been if you found out they were pregnant. That's who you would have been if you found out, you know, their mother passed away. So that's who we're going to be in this moment, too.

[Russell]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's. It's when the whole identity of the friendship changes. Like, oh. Oh, my goodness. If I walked into. I'm thinking of a friend right now who's struggling. If I just showed up at their house and was like, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. Come here. They'd be like, dude, what hat? What's wrong with you?

[Russell]

Yeah, right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Finding ways to be yourself and inject joy into a really dark moment. And not make them be the ones to make you feel. That's just it, man. So thank you for loving your friend really well, dude, that's. That's man. The world needs more friends like you who want to show up and just want to do it right. And your presence, and often your silence, your presence means the world. Thank you so much, my friend. All right. I've been talking about the benefits of red light therapy forever. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights and little tiny screens and medium sized screens and, and gigantic screens and sometimes all these screens at the same time. All of this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety. And the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress, and help with sleep. And I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, all of it. Listen up. If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production, and improved blood flow. I got the mask and it is awesome. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin. And it's simple. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to say 15%. That's B O N C-H-A R G E. Bondcharge.com DeLoney use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, we have a money marriage question from a live event. This is a real question that somebody posed at a live event in an. In an anonymous. In an anonymous. Man, I'm so good with the English language in an anonymous Q and A box. And so here's one of the questions. What do you do when both of you thinks the other never initiates sex? This is going to sound absurd and this is just popping into my head, but if you're both sitting there saying you never initiate sex and the other person says, I do all the time. You never initiate sex. And you're like, I do it all the time. You never. Cool. Then for the next 30 days, we're just going to keep a tally mark or be silly about it, add some sort of levity into a heavy situation and say, all right, I'm Initiating. And begin to just call it out. Because when both of you think a thing and the other one's accusing you. All right, then we need to go to the data. And there's not a lot of data. Right. But we're having sex all the time. Actually, I marked it on the calendar. We've had it twice in the last two months. No, on this day and this day, or we never have sex. We had it four times last week. No, we didn't. Yeah, we did. It wasn't very long, trust me. But we did, right? We did. And so there's something about the data. That was a good joke. There's something about just data. It just is. And so, by the way, don't, don't. This is important. Don't bomb each other. It's like, don't secretly record somebody and be like, no, you said it. And push play. Don't do that. But say, okay, I think I'm initiating all the time. And I'm clearly not doing a good job initiating, because you're not getting my initiation, and then I'm blaming you. So for the next month, the next 30 days, when you think you're initiating. When I think I'm initiating, I'm gonna either call it out or I'm gonna make a little tally mark in my calendar, and we'll get to the end of the month, and we're gonna start tracking how I think I'm initiating. I put on my special bra. Well, I didn't. I didn't get it. I put my phone away. I, I, I missed that. I put three cups that were on the table into the dishwasher. I thought that was me saying, it's go time, baby. Like, I missed it. So maybe you're both initiating and it's not. The, the signal's not coming through. There's too many clouds, and you can't see the B signal. So let's just start. Let's call it out. And by the way, this isn't just about sex. This is. You never help around the house. I always help around the house. All right. Just for 30 days. Not to weaponize anything. Just want to keep track of it. And you keep track of the times you walked in and the dishwasher was still full, and I was in there just farting around on my phone. And I'm going to keep track of the times I did the dishwasher, and we're going to get to the end of the month. And all these times I thought I was doing it, I actually only did it once. I'm sorry, I did it once a week. I did it four times in a month and that meant you had to do it twice a day for like the other 24 days of the month. 20, you know, eight days of the month. Sorry. Right, so when, when you get stuck with feelings, let's just start going to the data for a bit and if you use this data to weaponize you're not a good person. Don't do that, don't do that. This is just to help us sift through the shame and the vulnerability we feel when we try to initiate something as sensitive as sex and then we feel rejected. So just gonna write it down, call it out and then we'll go from there. Hopefully this allows you both to begin initiating sex in a language you both understand and then the house will be a rocket so we will not come a knockin. Love you guys. Bye.