My Husband Doesn’t Prioritize Our Family

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: My Husband Doesn’t Prioritize Our Family

Date: June 15, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show delves into the complexities of marriage, familial priorities, personal change, and the impact of individual struggles on relationships. Host Dr. John Delony addresses callers’ concerns about partners’ commitment to family, navigating new family dynamics, communicating needs, shame, and the difficult realities faced when addiction or past trauma enter the picture.

Conversations include:

• A pregnant wife struggling with her husband’s commitments outside the marriage.
• A man grappling with shame from past infidelity as he enters a new relationship.
• A mother caught between her daughter’s adult boundaries and a husband’s alcohol addiction threatening family events.

The episode is rich with real talk, vulnerability, and practical frameworks for addressing emotional obstacles in marriage and family.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller 1: Christina – Navigating a Husband’s Overcommitment (00:00–18:30)

The Dilemma:

• Christina’s husband is deeply involved in coaching baseball, takes on several side gigs, and intends to keep his schedule unchanged even with their first child on the way.
• He earns additional income through coaching but keeps those earnings separate from the main family finances.
• Christina feels her husband has created a “separate world” and is anxious about being alone with their newborn.

Dr. John Delony’s Analysis & Advice:

• Fact-Finding, Not Accusation: Dr. Delony urges Christina to explore what’s underneath the conflict—not just coach time, but deeper relationship issues.
• Celebration & Affirmation: “People tend to lean towards where they're celebrated.” (09:23) — Dr. John notes that affirmation at home is just as crucial as the sense of achievement he receives from coaching.
• Recognizing Change: The arrival of a baby means the old marriage “is over.” Couples must proactively design their new family reality.
• Avoiding ‘Proxy Wars’: Dr. John highlights the risk of surface-level fights (“You’re never here!”) masking deeper pain and disconnect.
• Honest Conversations: He provides Christina with a framework for vulnerable, non-accusatory communication:
  • “The story I’m making up is…” — Share emotional interpretations, not just complaints.
  • “That makes me feel…” — Express the impact honestly.
  • “Here’s what I want to be true…” — Paint a picture of the desired reality (13:16–14:50).
• Establishing Consequences: Couples must discuss not just feelings, but what actions will follow if nothing changes (16:19–17:18).

Notable Quotes:

• “When my husband walks through the door, does he know he’s winning here?” – Dr. John (08:10)
• “You become co-managers. The marriage y’all had is officially over.” – Dr. John (09:49)
• “Start the conversation by saying: ‘The story I’m making up is…’ and invite him to respond.” – Dr. John (13:20)

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2. Caller 2: Matt Damon – Sharing a Painful Past in New Relationships (22:13–37:06)

The Dilemma:

• Matt Damon (no relation to the actor) grew up with family dysfunction, suffered abuse, lost his parents young, and has never witnessed a healthy relationship.
• As a young adult, he cheated while blackout drunk, ending his engagement. He’s now sober and committed to his faith.
• He worries about how, or when, to share his “baggage” with a new girlfriend—a pastor’s daughter—fearing rejection.

Dr. John Delony’s Analysis & Advice:

• Don’t Lead with the Worst: “Nobody meets someone and says, ‘Here are the worst things I ever did.’”
• Baggage vs. Transparency: Past trauma wasn’t his fault; current responsibility is to deal with and set down the pain.
• Owning Your Story: Avoid “weaponizing” vulnerability—don’t use your trauma as a defense mechanism to preempt closeness or rejection.
• Mutual Invitation: At the right moment, invite openness: “If you ever want to hear about my past, I’m an open book. I’ll answer with full truth.”
• Accepting Love & Grace: The real challenge may be “What if she loves me anyway?” which tests his newfound faith and sense of worthiness.
• Building Friendship: “Are we good friends?” is more important than “Is she the one?” for long-lasting relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• “If someone is unwilling or unable to love all that you are, they’re not the right person for you.” – Dr. John (25:51)
• “Don’t weaponize transparency this time. You’re worth being loved.” – Dr. John (37:06)
• “The marriages that make it long-term? They’re just great friends.” – Dr. John (36:15)

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3. Caller 3: Ray – Family Boundaries and a Husband’s Addiction (40:02–53:15)

The Dilemma:

• Ray, remarried after a prior marriage with adult children, is struggling with her husband’s alcoholism. His behavior is disruptive, especially during family events.
• Her daughter is having a destination wedding, and Ray decided her husband should not attend to protect the celebration.
• Ray is torn—excited for her daughter, but heartbroken about her husband’s absence and the likely end of her marriage.

Dr. John Delony’s Analysis & Advice:

• Stepping Out of the Middle: “It’s not your responsibility…you can’t carry his feelings and emotions right now. Those are not yours to carry.” (43:37)
• Naming Consequences: The outcomes of his addiction—being excluded from the wedding, Ray’s loneliness—are his to own, not hers.
• Acknowledging Delayed Action: “Conflict deferred is conflict amplified.” Years of postponing intervention have led to a crisis point.
• Living with Both Joy and Pain: Ray can celebrate with her daughter and grieve her marriage simultaneously. “Both are true.” (46:19)
• Facing Reality: Moving out six months prior marked the end of the old marriage; now she must decide whether to build something new (with strict conditions) or to formalize the separation.
• A Call to Honesty and Dignity: Encourage clear communication of needs/ultimatums and the courage to follow through.

Notable Quotes:

• “The marriage we had is over, and it’s been over for a long time… Now the question is—are we going to rebuild something?” – Dr. John (49:27)
• “You’re not safe in that relationship, you’re financially very insecure, you’re isolated and lonely… You get what I’m saying?” – Dr. John (48:46)

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4. Listener Story: The Power of a “Mixtape” (55:35–60:10)

Brief Uplift:

• A listener named Rachel shares how she asked her mechanic husband to make her a mixtape about who he is, leading them to deeper connection and tears.
• Dr. John and Kelly reflect on the power of small, intentional gestures in relationships.
• Lighthearted banter about mixtapes, nostalgia, and the difference between youthful romance and modern boundaries.

Notable Quotes:

• “If somebody rolls up with a live mixtape, marry them immediately.” – Dr. John (56:54)
• “Bring back the OG romance, minus the stalky stuff.” – Dr. John (59:44)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Christina: Husband’s Overcommitment & New Family – 00:00–18:30
• Matt Damon: Past Shame & New Relationships – 22:13–37:06
• Ray: Husband’s Addiction & Daughter’s Wedding – 40:02–53:15
• Mixtape Listener Story & Banter – 55:35–60:10

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On Marital Transitions:
  “Marriage as you knew it is over. Now you got a new marriage for a season, and then you’re about to get a new marriage because you’re about to have a kid.... Otherwise, if you don’t start at the root, you get into what I call these proxy wars.”
  — Dr. John Delony (09:49)

• On Sharing Shame:
  “What if she loves all of me: my abusive past, my mistakes, my infidelity... What if she loves me anyway? Because you know what she’s doing then? She’s calling your new faith bluff.”
  — Dr. John Delony (30:34)

• On Setting Boundaries:
  “You can be both: excited for your daughter and heartbroken your husband will be missing it. Both are true. If you try to make one more true, you’ll kill a part of your spirit.”
  — Dr. John Delony (46:19)

• On Connection:
  “People tend to lean towards where they’re celebrated.”
  — Dr. John Delony (09:23)

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Episode Takeaways

• Communication in marriage is more than saying what you want; it's about sharing your internal stories and building something new together.
• The need to be loved, celebrated, and seen at home is foundational—especially during life transitions.
• Honest, non-accusatory conversations and clear boundaries are key when facing difficult marital dynamics.
• Recovery from shame and traumatic histories takes both personal work and letting others choose how deeply they want to know and love you.
• Sometimes the bravest thing is to recognize when a relationship, as it was, has ended—and to grieve, celebrate, and act accordingly.
• Small, tangible acts of connection (even mixtapes!) can have deep meaning.

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Overall Tone

Empathetic, direct, and hopeful—Dr. John Delony balances warmth, humor, and tough love, offering frameworks that empower listeners to speak their truth and honor themselves and their partners through change and challenge.

Transcript

[Christina]

He coaches a lot of baseball. He is pretty persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he get paid for this coaching?

[Christina]

He does. However, he keeps that money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so tell me more about that. What's up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming in hot. Hope you guys are doing great wherever you happen to be listening, whether you're here in the States, if you're somewhere across the oceans, we're glad you are with us talking about your mental and emotional health, your kids, your marriages, your relationships, whatever you got going on in your life, I'd love to have you on the show. Click the link in the show notes and it will send you to the form. And that form goes right to the magistrate, Ms. Kelly herself. Let's roll out to New Orleans, Louisiana. Talk to Christina. What's up, Christina?

[Christina]

Hi, Good morning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good morning. What's up?

[Christina]

Just wanted a little advice about commitments and marriage as far as commitments of each spouse over commitments and how to kind of prioritize different things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I'm just going to take a wild guess. Are you married to a guy?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's he doing? So he's not committing, right?

[Christina]

No, he's. Yes. He's committed to our marriage.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yes, of course.

[Christina]

But he is over committed in other areas of his life. He coaches a lot of baseball, does lessons, a lot of things on the side. We are expecting our first child in October. So I just want us to know how to navigate that because he is pretty persistent that he's going to keep that same schedule even when our child arrives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So one of my favorite things I've discovered over the last few years is somebody says, hey, I want to work on my communication in my marriage. And what they're really saying is how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do? So you're like, I just want to get some tips on commitment and marriage. And really it sounds like you want your husband to be plugged in with you and this new baby that's coming.

[Christina]

Well, yes, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Christina]

I know he loves doing this, so I still want him to be able to do it in, in some aspects. I just don't think he realizes how hard it's going to be come.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that time I want to reverse engineer this question. Okay. And it's going to sound accusatory and it is not. I'm just going on a, on a fact finding mission. Okay. So tell me about like take the, take the coaching stuff off the table for a second. Is Your husband a good man?

[Christina]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Does he love you?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Christina]

100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, in a gross way?

[Christina]

Sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, perfect. Okay, good, good, good. Does he work full time also, in addition to these coaching things? Okay. What does he do for a living? Give. Give me a ballpark.

[Christina]

He works in sales.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, excellent. Dude, that. That's. I have a hypothesis here, and that was a. That was a. A good data point along towards my hunch here. Does he get paid for this coaching? Is he, like, working side hustles to increase the. The financ. Like your family finances?

[Christina]

He does. However, he keeps that money.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

He.

[Christina]

He gets paid for some of the baseball things. He keeps that money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so tell me more about that

[Christina]

lessons. And then one school coaching job he has, they did pay him for that. So he keeps that money. Some of it he reinvests back into the coaching aspects, like if he needs gloves, bats, uniforms, things like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you all share a checking account? We do, but he has his own separate side account.

[Christina]

No, he just. He basically gets paid via, like, Venmo cash app, things like that, for these services.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And does all that dump into the one family checking account?

[Christina]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so he doesn't technically have a separate checking account at a bank, but he just has a big surplus on his own Venmo. Right. Okay. So I want to start there with this sense that we have this joint world together. We have the secret world we've created that's just me and him. We're kind of gross inside of it, and it's awesome. And he has this other world that's just his. And be honest about. I'm not a part of that world. And I'm uncomfortable with there being a separate, like, secret world that he has that's just his. You get what I'm saying?

[Christina]

Yeah, I understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me some ways you celebrate him on a regular basis. Like if he was on the phone with me and I said, hey, give me three or four ways that, you know, your wife stops the presses and tells you how grateful she is for you, how proud of you she is, how much she loves you, what would he say?

[Christina]

I am good about sending him loving messages during the day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, I love it.

[Christina]

I'll pick him up. Little things. Like, if I am in the store, I'll grab him, like, a little sweet treat and bring it home for the day. Be like, hey, I brought, like, yesterday, I brought him home some chocolate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you like it when he picks up little treats for you?

[Christina]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have you all ever had the conversation about what are some ways you feel loved?

[Christina]

We have, but probably not practiced them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ah, okay. So I remember when my wife and I were deciding whether we're going to stay married or not, one of the. I'll call it a temper tantrum, but it wasn't that. It was just a. Like, a. Like, a lot of stuff that I'd buried so deep kind of all came out. And one of the things I remember not pounding the table in a dramatic fashion, like Dwight giving his speech, but, like, I remember, like, saying, like, I just want you to say you're proud of me.

[Christina]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my wife was like, you know that I'm proud of you. Like, look at this home. I keep up for all of us. And I'm also working part time, like. And I said, I just want you to say it. And I felt humiliated saying that out loud. I felt embarrassed. Like I would need that. Right. But that was me being honest. And what I found is many times couples celebrate each other like they like to be celebrated, and it doesn't have the same effect that they think it does. Right. And that may not be the case in your house, but I think that's worth a conversation. And here's where I'm getting at. You got a guy who works in sales that has a real time daily scorecard about how he's doing or not doing. More sales equals more money equals I'm winning, right? Coaching, like, having a side business. Athletes that go do well. Like, all those things come with, no pun intended, an actual scorecard. And for a husband, I hear this over and over and over across the country. And I've lived this. People tend to lean towards where they're celebrated. And if parents are saying, man, you have changed my son's life, or kids are suddenly throwing faster or getting more hits, and it feels like I'm winning over here, then I come home, and I don't feel like I'm winning here. So the best thing I'm going to do for the family, I. I remember getting to a place personally where I thought the greatest gift I could give my wife and my young son was to not be around. And that was a complete, like, completely not true. But it was a story that I eventually made up in my own head about myself. Right. And so that may not be the case at all in your home, but I want you to be reflective on Does. When my husband walks through the door, does he know he's winning here? And does he know what an important role he plays here? Okay. The marriage y' all had is Officially over. It doesn't exist anymore. And you're gonna have a new marriage for about 10 months, and then you're gonna get a completely new marriage again. And so what I always recommend in these moments is when you find out you're pregnant, marriage as you knew it is over. Now you got a new marriage for a season, and then you're about to get a new marriage because you're about to have a kid. And everything y' all knew is different. Now, having that conversation up front, clearing the deck and saying, hey, we get to build what this new marriage looks like. What do you want it to look like? What do I want it to look like? How do we want our home to feel? Let's reverse engineer and build that thing together. Otherwise, if you don't start at the root, if you don't start the foundation of your old marriage, what happens is it gets into what I call these proxy wars, which is you're never here or you're always doing this, and all you want to do is this, and you're always. You see what I'm saying? And it becomes a game of whack a mole. And at the core, everybody starts to slowly drift further and further apart from each other. You become co managers. Right.

[Christina]

And I feel like that part of that whack a mole going on now. Okay, Never. Never here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha. And so what is. What does a conversation look like when you all. When you sit down and say, hey, I wish you were home more, or are you sure you're coaching again? Or. He says, yeah, I've got. I've got two private lessons tonight, and he sees you go, like, tell me about that. Those interactions.

[Christina]

Yeah, that's the exact interaction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, tell me about it.

[Christina]

He has tournaments on the weekends, too, so most weekends he was never home as well. So it's hard. I feel like I'm alone a lot. I can't plan anything. I'm just kind of by myself. I go to things here and there, but I don't really exactly want to spend every day, all day on my weekends at the baseball field. I work some weekends also, so I'm not able to go, but the conversations usually don't go very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And my guess is you say you were gone last weekend, and he said you were working, and you're like, well, that's not what I meant, actually. Right.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever started a conversation with I miss you?

[Christina]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How does he respond to that?

[Christina]

He misses me, too. And he never. He says he never wants to not Come home to me. He's excited when he gets to come home to me. At least he's, you know, home. He's home now. Let's make the best of it. But by that point, I'm usually tired or frustrated or, you know, it's late, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He gets home and he's like, all right, sexy time. And you're like, nope.

[Christina]

I'm like, it's 10 o'. Clock. I'm going to bed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which he feels like, oh, she doesn't even want me here. And then he gets a Venmo for $250. And then he gets a request for, hey, do you have room for another private lesson? He says, yes. And the dance continues, right?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I'm gonna give you a quick framework that I've adapted from Terry Real and others, okay? And this is what I found to be not only the only path, but like, a pretty sure path. It may not end how you want it to end, but it will put everything on the table. You ready?

[Christina]

Okay, I'm ready.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so we're going to set apart, set aside a half day, like a Saturday morning, a Sunday morning. Skip church. I don't know if y' all go to church, but if. Skip church, like, whatever, but we're gonna. And maybe it's a. An evening, but we're gonna plan. Okay?

[Christina]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to start with this conversation. The last year you've. I have seen you take on a lot of clients and you get really excited about baseball, however you want to say that, but do it in the least accusatory way. All we're doing is stating facts. Okay?

[Christina]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if. When you state facts, if he withdraws from you, preface the conversation with, I need to say some big things that are in my. In the middle of my chest, in my spirit, in my heart, and I need you to stay present with me. Most men will say, awesome, I'm here. Okay? And then say, the story I'm making up is, you would rather be playing baseball than hang out with me. The story I'm making up is these baseball players, these other families are more important than me and this new family that's growing inside my belly. And then after you say the stories you're making up follow that with, that makes me feel sad, that makes me feel lonely, that makes me feel all by myself. And then the third, the fourth thing I want you to say is, here's what I want to be true. And when you start with, here's the stories I'm making up, Then what you're doing is you're inviting him to counteract that story, to confirm that story. But you're not starting with, you're never here. You're always doing coaching. We never hang out. And when we do hang out, all you want to do is make out like, you see what I'm saying? Those are ways you can push him away. Those are accusations. He's going to wall up and defend himself versus here's what I'm making up about what's going on in our home right now. And even go one step further, the story I'm making up is I'm going to be stuck here with a newborn all by myself, where you're out taking care of everybody else's kids in the community.

[Christina]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you introduce it as, I'm making these stories up, and here's how I feel about these things, if he's any type of man at all, he'll lean forward and say, oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

[Christina]

Okay?

[Matt Damon]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That story is not true, or that story actually is true. And if it is true, then we got to deal with it. Right? We got to put that on the table.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's a way to kind of stop doing all the proxy war stuff and to put, here's what I'm feeling inside my spirit right here at the core. And these are stories I'm making up. And he might come back and say, the story I'm making up is I don't make enough money in my sales job, and you want a bunch of fancy stuff, and so I've got to do all this extra work, or the story I'm making up is, you don't celebrate me. You don't really want me here, and when I am here, you're too tired or to this, or you just want to watch TV and I want to go out and do some fun. Like. So he's going to make up stories, and he's going to put those on the table back. Right.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of those stories are going to be hard to hear, but it's a way to get to the actual root of what's happening. Especially when you say, here's what. I would like to be different now. Now you went real quiet on me. Are you nervous to have that conversation or it's not going to go well? Or tell me what you're feeling?

[Christina]

No, I'm. I'm not nervous. I'm just taking it all in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Christina]

It's very good advice and a great conversation that needs to happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'm going to give you one more thing. Okay? And this is an additional thing that I've learned over the years sitting with countless couples. I want you to say, if nothing changes, here's what I'm going to do next.

[Christina]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And that can be really scary to say out loud. The story I'm making up is I'm going to have this newborn. You're going to be gone every Saturday and every Sunday like you are right now. That makes me feel scared, that makes me feel alone, that makes me sad for our kid, because I think you're pretty amazing. I would like it if we all come first and baseball gets reduced dramatically in our home. But if you're gone every Saturday and Sunday, I'm going to start planning trips with just me and the baby.

[Christina]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm going to spend weekends with my. With my parents because I don't want to be alone all the time. I'd rather be with you. But you. You and him sitting down saying, we get to. We get to build whatever world we want. Our old marriage is over. We're gonna have a building regardless. And I don't want it to just be a lean to kind of concoction of our old marriage and resentment and annoyances. Let's clear this whole foundation and the pillars of this new thing are gonna be, do we see each other? Are we constantly getting to know each other? Do we celebrate the bloody hell out of each other? And we. We challenge each other when appropriate, right? And do we do this every. Every day? Do we do it every week? Do we do it every month? And we do it once a year? We get. We just redesign our whole marriage every year. What does that look like? And my guess is both of y' all are gonna have some stories y' all are both made up about each other and about your marriage that are gonna be painful to hear. And that's part of getting to the next step, which is we are ride or die. We got a kid coming. This is our marriage. Let's rebuild. The thing we want can build whatever marriage we want, and then we'll go get it. And it might mean he's got to just take a season where he's not coaching. So be it. You're way more important than that. And your new kid is. And your marriage is way more important than somebody else's kid throwing the baseball real fast. And if, you know it brings him joy and love. Like, dude, go do private coaching for a while. Like in the evenings when I'm just cashed out asleep yeah, go do that. It's like my wife, like, dude, I go to bed at. She goes to bed at 9:00'. Clock. John, go to the comedy club, tell jokes. I don't even think you're funny. Right? But go do that stuff. That's part of negotiating and navigating, building an amazing marriage together. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, a man asks how to share his past struggles with his new girlfriend without letting his shame define their future. I use Montana Knife Company knives all the time. I use them when I'm fishing, when I'm hunting, and then when I get home from all my outdoor adventures. My whole family uses Montana Knife Company knives in the kitchen for meals, for cooking. And here's a confession. As a Texan, this is a source of shame for me. But my wife destroys me on the grill. She's way better at grilling than I am. And when she's out there grilling, she's also using Montana Knife company knives inside. I'm using them to cut the vegetables. It's all right. We're all using Montana Knife company knives. I bought a bunch of their knives over the years, long before they ever partnered with the show, because they make the best knives. When you pick up a Montana Knife company Knife, you will see and feel the difference. These knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough. And if you're like me, your wife will use them better than you ever, ever could. Montana Knife Co. Knives are something you will reach for every day. Your whole family will reach for these things every day. And your grandkids will fight over these knives someday because they will still be around and in great condition. Check out Montana Knife Company right now. Go to montanaknifecompany.com and see what's in stock. That's montanaknifecompaly.com. all right, look, I went into a local corner store the other day just to buy a few things. And at the checkout in this local corner store, they wanted my address and my phone number and my email address. They might as well have wanted my fingerprints and my Social Security number two. I just wanted some paper plates and some cups and, like, a toothbrush, and they wanted my soul. Listen, every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing all of your information and they are selling it to the highest bidder. Companies are taking your personal information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. And this is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's personal information, all of this stuff is just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never even heard of. Delete me will find your personal information online and they will remove it for you. And not just one time.

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[Matt Damon]

What's going on? Dr. John, how we doing, brother? Oh, way better than I ever imagined I could be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Me too, man. Are you running a scam called a podcast, too? It's the best.

[Matt Damon]

No, no, Just got a successful career really young and. And doing really well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. I do not have a successful career. Kelly is driving us right to the bottom of the ocean. But it's still fun. Still fun. So what's up, man?

[Matt Damon]

I guess so. I went through. I've had a tough life, I suppose, and I've made a lot of mistakes along the way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it. Tell me about it.

[Matt Damon]

I guess the bullet points, I mean, growing up, I had a lot of dysfunctional family. Parents died when I was young, adopted by my grandparents, who were dysfunctional, some abuse, and watched a lot of family just fall apart. And so I've never seen successful relationships really up close. And I guess on my path to success here, I was kind of doing it on my own and just figuring it out and succeeding in a lot of ways, but still struggling on the relationship front. Left home when I was, like, 18 and went out on my own, which. Which helped a lot. But I got into a good relationship when I was, like, 21, and it was good for a year and a half, but we ended up getting engaged and then moved in together. And I ended up sleeping with someone else when I was blackout drunk. And I've changed everything since. It's been like a year and a half since that time. And, like, it wasn't. It was just I did it, woke up, knew I had to tell her, and confronted it Head on and tried to fix everything, but she didn't want any. Well, she acted like she did for, like, a year and dragged it on, but she wanted revenge and she got it. But so now that's all behind me, and I'm trying to move forward.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are y' all still together? Y' all broke up?

[Matt Damon]

We broke up. We were trying to fix it for, like, a year. Like, so all that happened in, like, October of 24. And then August or September last year, I found out, I guess, the truth of everything she had been doing for that year while I was trying to fix everything. And she was just looking for revenge, and she got it. So I'm trying to recover from that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Matt Damon]

And I ended up finding Jesus and committing myself to God, and I haven't touched alcohol since October of 2024.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations, man.

[Matt Damon]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So bring me to today. How can I help you today?

[Matt Damon]

So today I still have all that backstory and, I guess, baggage, and I'm just. I've met a new girl, and we've only gone on a couple dates, but I guess just in general, how to face it going forward, whether she's the one or it's someone else, I don't know how to address all of that. I don't know if I have to tell her everything about, you know, how I cheated and whatnot, or I guess just how to. Yeah, because I'm definitely terrified because I've come to become a Christian. Jesus Christ has saved me, and I'm heavily involved in the church and everything, and she was a pastor's kid, and she's amazing. Hasn't lived half the life I have. And I'm just terrified that if I share this stuff with her, she's not going to want anything to do with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Matt Damon]

If

[Dr. John DeLoney]

someone is unwilling or unable to love all that you are, then they're not the right person for you. And I don't think that you say, hi, name is Matt, and guess what? I. What's the worst things I ever did? That's not how you meet people. Right?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you go on dates with somebody and y' all like each other, and you start getting more close, like, more intimate, and I'm not talking about sleeping together. I'm talking about, like, getting to know each other at a deep level. You can be honest about your past. And by the way, none. 0 of your childhood is your fault. 0?

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

None of the abuse you endured is your fault.

[Matt Damon]

Took me a while to figure that out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but that's not your baggage to carry yeah. And I know that's easy. I know that's easy to say. Right. That's not what healing is. Right.

[Matt Damon]

But yeah, it's like my responsibility to deal with it and move forward now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. It's your responsibility to set it down.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah. And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

when you were 21 years old, you did dumb things. You did things that violated your core values. You know who's done that? Everybody. Maybe not to the extent you did, but everybody has things about themselves that they look back at their 21, 22, 23 year old self, they're like, whoa. Or in my case, their 30 year old self, they're 35 year old. Like, we all, like, that's going to be the story of our lives, which is everybody needs redemption all the time. But what I don't want you to start doing now is to start thinking there's parts of me I have to hide. Because you've been playing that shell game your whole freaking life. Right?

[Matt Damon]

I, I'm usually pretty upfront about sharing stuff. A lot of the way I've overcome everything I've been through is just being upfront about that stuff and sharing myself as openly as possible so people can criticize it or, you know, adjust where I'm going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or, or, or, or you put it all out there so that they'll leave before it gets too close and too hard.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah, that sounds more like it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm gonna dump every, all the trash on the table the first time I meet you or the second time I meet you, and you're gonna be caught off guard by the smell of that trash. You're gonna leave and I'll be like, see, they, they left. You want to push other people away right before they have a chance to love you deeply. And your parents passed away, those who came to take care of you, abuse like that, that your, your strategy for survival makes perfect sense. And if you've listened to my show ever, you've heard me say this, but the things that kept you safe as a kid are going to really negatively impact your adult relationships.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah. How do I, how do I balance? Because I don't want this to come out like a month or two down the line and she finds out and goes off. I knew that I never would have had anything to do with you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the definition of anxiety is predicting a potential future adverse outcome, dragging it into the present and trying to solve it now. Because just as equally true is she finds this stuff about you and has gotten to know you and she's blown away by the transformations you've made in your life. Right. That's. That's equally true.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you have a sense in your spirit that I'm being deceitful, then let her know, Dude, I come from a really messy background and I've made some dumb mistakes in my young life. And if you ever want to hear about them, I'm an open book.

[Matt Damon]

So what if. What if I share it all and she accepts me because I had.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's your worst fear, brother.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What if she loves all of me? My abusive past, my mistakes, my infidelity, my. My previous engagement. What if she loves me anyway because you know what she's doing? Then she's calling your new faith bluff. Do you really believe you're loved by the God of the universe? Really?

[Matt Damon]

Is that rhetorical? Are you asking?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, that's rhetorical. But I'll ask you. Do you really believe that?

[Matt Damon]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then. If you're a person of faith, you say you're a Christian. If you're a Christian and you want to. That's the hill you're going to die on from now into the rest of your life. And you believed you're anchored in and loved there. I'm not going to squash myself for any person because I'm worth being loved all the way. She's not going to love the things you did. You don't love the things you did, but you love the man you're becoming.

[Matt Damon]

How do I. How do I. Practice, Just practice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Practice. You've never done this before. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself some grace. You've never seen a functioning adult relationship in your life. More importantly, you've never felt what a safe, loving adult relationship feels like, Right?

[Matt Damon]

Yeah, I had a glimpse of it and then I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You didn't. You didn't. Because the person that would seek a year long revenge, you dodged her like the Matrix, brother. Because maybe you don't sleep around and you'll end up getting married and you're gone too long on a weekend fishing trip. She's gonna get her revenge. Right? You see what I'm saying?

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a spirit within somebody. Because in every relationship, people are going to hurt each other. That's the nature of trying to take two strangers and create a new life together, A new world that's just ours. Right? People hurt each other. And even if she had said your. Your original fiance had said, I can't be with somebody who's going to get blackout drunk and sleep with somebody else, she could have Shown up and treated you with dignity and respect in a moment when you don't feel you deserved it. She could have shown up and been the best version of herself in a really ugly situation, in a painful, ugly situation. And instead she chose to bleed you out for a year.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so own your part of that, but don't own the whole thing because the whole thing's not yours to hold. And what I'm hearing is a 21 year old man who screwed up in a major way. You've taken ownership of that and now we're going to move on. I'm going to set that down. I'm not that man anymore. And I'm met somebody new and I like her. She's cool, she's funny, she's pretty, whatever you want to say. And I am not going to do my best to push her away first just in case she's going to push me away later. I'm going to believe this new faith I've I, I, I, I say I announced to the world that I believe in that I'm worth being loved. All of me. I'm going to keep becoming the best version of myself. And if you sit down and you tell her, hey, I've got a wild past and I'm a new man and I'm really glad to be meeting with you, but I want you to know I'm an open book. If you ever have questions, I will answer them full 100 truth. Then what you're saying is there's a door inside of me. If you want to go in there, I'll walk you through it. But you're not going to grab her by the arm and drag her through that door and show her a bunch of stuff she may not want to see.

[Matt Damon]

Okay? Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if she chooses to walk in that door and she looks around and says, I don't like what I see in here, that'll be heartbreaking, that'll be sad. But that'll be her choice that she made. And so the more you tell yourself a story is, this is so big. This is so much, it's so much. It's so much. The heavier you're going to make every interaction and instead of looking at this new person who lights you up, who's fun to be around, all that stuff. Is she the one? Is she the one? Is she the one? Man, you're putting so much existential pressure on yourself, it's unnecessary. Ask yourself this. Is she my friend? Do I like seeing her? Do I getting to know her does she like getting to know me. Because when it all comes down, man, the, the marriages that make it long term, they're just great friends.

[Matt Damon]

That simple on, I mean, and that hard, right? Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But yeah, are we great friends? And sometimes she's gonna have to look past all your hairs that you left in the sink and you missing when you tried to pee in the middle of the night and a pile of towels on the floor. She's got to look past that and be like, that's my friend. He's gross. But that's my friend. And sometimes you're gonna have to look past the mistakes you've made, her judgments about you or whatever, I'm just making stuff up. But you're gonna look past that and be like that. She's my friend. You get what I'm saying?

[Matt Damon]

Yeah. I appreciate making it an invitation to open the door. That I think advice, I think will help a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, and listen, when you let that, when you open, I mean, when you offer that invitation, this is going to sound crazy. When you open that invitation, then move on. Don't just stand there at the door waiting for it to come in. Thanks for calling, brother. Dude, for whatever it's worth, man, I'm proud of the man you're becoming. I'm proud of 20 year old you for surviving. I'm proud of 21 year old you for making a huge mistake and then waking up the next morning and taking full ownership of it. I'm proud of you for trying to navigate really gnarly waters the following year. Trying to make love work because you got no picture of what love looks like. I'm proud of you for finding faith, giving yourself completely over to your faith. And I'm proud of you for having the courage to say, I just met somebody new and I want to be as fully transparent as I can, but I'm not going to weaponize transparency this time because I'm worth being loved. I'm proud of you, brother. Make the next right move. We come back, a woman asks how to support her daughter's boundaries without hurting her marriage. We'll be right back. All right. I want to talk to you about a brand new partner on the Dr. John DeLoney Show, Capstone Wellness. I've spent the vast majority of my career working with teenagers and young adults and their families. I know from personal experience that finding help and the right care for teenagers and young adults can be a nightmare. If you're a parent and your teenage or young adult son is age 14 to 28 and they're struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges or destructive behaviors and you're running out of options. I want you to consider residential treatment care. Capstone Treatment center is a residential treatment program for young men. In this live in therapeutic setting, your son can fully step away from the chaos of the world for a few months and they can step into a structured environment where with trained licensed clinicians who strictly follow a code of ethics. This is daily intensive work that has the power to transform lives. And listen, I know folks at Capstone, it is a Christ centered company, but they care for all types of people in all walks of life with all sorts of value systems. If somebody close to me had a son who needed this level of help, or if my son needed this level of help, Capstone would be my first call. Residential treatment is a very serious investment in time, energy and money because the level of care here is completely different than anything you've seen before. Financial aid and other support is available. Go to capstonewellness.com DeLoney to learn more. That's capstonewellness.comDeloney all right, let's go out to New York City and talk to Ray. What's up, Ray?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Hey, how are you, Dr. John?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great. How about you?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

I'm doing okay. I'm doing all right. It's a little surreal talking to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's surreal talking to you every night

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

in my ear pods.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, that's gonna give you wild dreams, sister.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's up?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

All right, so I know I'm like this. Every story is an onion. So I want to try to do this properly. But I'm on my second marriage. I have four older kids. And my husband, sadly, he lost his only son about seven years ago. So we've all been grieving that obviously. And, you know, he's not the same person he was prior.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have y' all been married?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

We're married six years. We're together about 14 years. So my kids, you know, have grown up with him. My kids are now in their 20s. My oldest is in her 30s. Yeah. So. And everyone, you know, gets along, loves each other. But over the last few years, his drinking has gotten to be an issue. And, you know, I've tried to talk to him, tried to have conversations about him because he gets aggressive verbally with people, not physically, but more like, have another drink, have another drink. Like, he doesn't let up. So it becomes, you know, the goal of the night is to get everybody falling down. So recently my daughter brought to me her Concerns because they're having a destination wedding this weekend. And without even, you know, missing a beat, I said, well, then he shouldn't be there. Because I feel like I've tried over the last few holidays, parties, gatherings, to reel him in and control it, and I can't. And I don't want her special day ruined. And now he's in a place of feeling obviously rejected and heartbroken. And I understand, but I'm kind of caught in the middle and questioning if we'll even survive this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Thank you for being honest and brave.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For real. My goal on this call is to free you from feeling like you're in the middle. Okay.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because the way you just outlined the story for me, I don't see you in the middle at all, But I can 100% understand how it feels like you're in the middle. Okay.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You did a pretty extraordinary thing. And what you did is you fell on the grenade on behalf of your daughter. And that's noble and right and good. I'm proud of you for that.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And you did another thing which is noble and good is you waited through 14 years with an escalation over the last six years of a problem that's become increasingly bigger problem that's attached to your husband's spirit. And you waited in and you looked him in the eye and you said, here's how this is going to go. And that takes untold amounts of courage, and I'm proud of you for that. Okay.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

I appreciate that. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, here's. I want to free you. Okay. It's not your responsibility. And not only is it not your responsibility, you can't.

[Matt Damon]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't carry his feelings and emotions right now. Those are not yours to carry. Those are his. You did the next right thing, and he gets to feel however he wants to feel.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so consciously reminding yourself, I can't carry his feelings and emotions, and you might have been carrying them for the better part of a decade and a half, but you can't carry them. They're not yours to carry.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And his actions, this is one of the consequences.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so the consequences are his. And they. And you're. You're married to him, so they by proxy become yours.

[Matt Damon]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're going to have a hard choice to make, which is, am I going to get on a plane without him and fly down and support my daughter, my hope, my aunt, my hope? The answer is yes. And. And also that decision might have a consequence because he might not be there when you get back.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right, Right. Yeah. And one part of me, I'm so excited to go down with my kids and my family, my whole family, and celebrate, and I'm so excited for this time in her life. But then I'm heartbroken that I'm going to be alone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Both of those things are true.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

He's going to be missing it. Yeah.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I. I'm with you. 100. Okay. I'm on your team. Can I say something hard?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Part of the consequence of you postponing this conversation for three, four, five, six years is that it all is happening right now.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Matt Damon]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you've got a consequence here because you've known this was a challenge for a while, and it's. I don't want to. I don't want to wade into it. I don't want to wait into it. I don't want to wait into it. And then your daughter made a call. And God bless you for saying she made the right call. I'm standing up right now. That's awesome. But that delay, I think the old saying goes, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. Right.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here we are. That, like, what could have been an explosive conversation four years ago is now a bomb.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But here we are. And so, yeah, it's going to be a both. And I'm gonna be so excited for my daughter. And do you like this knucklehead she's marrying?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

I do. I love him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. That's. That's so great. Right. So I'm gonna go celebrate this. And I'm gonna go back to my hotel room or my cabana room or wherever y' all doing this destination wedding. And I'm also gonna be really sad that I'm all by myself.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Both are true.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you try to make one more true than the other, you're going to kill a part of your spirit doing that.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. That's what prompted this reach out.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

I was. Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is in your husband's shame and in his heartbreak and in his sadness, has this been a wake up call for him, I need to go get help. Or is it driven him further to

[Kelly]

the bottom of a bottle?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. I was hoping, because I told him about six weeks ago, and I was really hoping he'd come down because we don't live together right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How come?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

I moved in with my daughter and her and her fiance about six months ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

It had been a couple of years of just, like, financial things happening and, like, you say nothing happens in a vacuum. You know, this disconnection, lack of responsibility, and just always looking for the next excuse to party. And I hated being away from my kids. We moved about three hours away from my kids and I missed being with them, so they invited me to move back. And we still see each other. We still are, you know, love each other. But I've been trying to focus on rebuilding myself. And I have had a lot of hard conversations with him about how I can't do this anymore and I'm not happy the way things are. I've even asked, sent him links for the BetterHelp app, and he hasn't done any of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is there a reality here is your daughter's wedding and the. Has this been like the. The event that pulls the curtain back, that your marriage as you knew it is over?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah, I think so. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So let's live in that reality.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. Right. And I was really hoping he would take this as a way his wake up to I can't miss it and I'll do whatever. But the truth is, it's not what's important to him right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it wasn't important when you moved out six months ago.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. It's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it wasn't important a year ago when you said, hey, I'm not doing well.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, this isn't about you feeling happy. I'm not happy in this relationship. You're not safe in that relationship.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're financially very insecure in that relationship.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're isolated and lonely in that relationship. Right. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so for you, it sounds like there's some soul searching that has to happen, which is the marriage we had is over and it's been over for a long time. And if you go back and you're honest, it was actually like there was a period at the end of the sentence of your marriage when you moved out.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now the question is, can y' all sit across the table from each other and say, are we gonna. Are we going to rebuild something? And if we are, here's what must be true in him. Be enough of a grownup, which is tough when you're struggling with. When you're dealing, talking to somebody who's in the throes of an addiction, it's impo. There is no connection when you're talking to someone who's in addiction. There's just communication. Right.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's what must be true and better help is he needs impatient Therapy. Right now he needs inpatient treatment. Not even inpatient therapy. That's going to be part of it.

[Matt Damon]

But yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he gets to make that choice.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

And I have to let him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You have to say, here's what I'm going to do next. And you've done that along the way. But it sounds like this curtain was revealed and the emperor didn't have any clothes on. The marriage was exposed for what it is.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Over. And the question is, are you going to formalize its overness? Right, That's. I know that's not a word, but I'm going to formalize the separation. And you're going to have to go through the shame and the guilt of, I don't want to get divorced again. I remember all that. Like all that mess. Or are we going to sit down across from each other like adults and say, not that. Not that formalizing a separation is not like adults also, but going to sit across from each other and you're going to say, here's what must be true. I'm going to stop hoping that you're just going to quote, unquote, get the message. If you want to rebuild our marriage from the ground up, it's going to start with a 60 day inpatient treatment program. Or maybe you're done. Maybe you're just done. And you need to be honest with him about that. And then you need to be about finding an apartment wherever you live next to your kids or, you know, I mean, like, going about, this is going to be the rest of my life. And I can't.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Everyone misses him from. I feel like we all have that. The memories of him prior to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course. Yeah.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

You know, we're like, we missed that guy.

[Matt Damon]

Yeah.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Because that guy, you know, showed up for us and loved us. And my kids were younger when they met him. I've been waiting for that guy to show back up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And one thing is universal. There's very much a before and after after somebody loses a child.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

very much.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

And I don't even try to pretend to understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. But you were there, too. I mean, you were there, too. You were eight. You had a relationship for eight years with this young kid.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Yeah. It was devastating. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I can't make the call for you. Your daughter can't make. Nobody around you can make the call for you. And it's right and good to really grieve who your husband used to be. And it's right and good to grieve the loss of his son. And it's also right and good to say you're not well and I'm not safe in this relationship anymore. All those things can be true, Right? That's just choosing reality there.

[Caller 1 (New Orleans)]

Right? Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Reality is the worst most of the time. Most of the time, not most of the time. Often it's the worst. So I tell you, man, you've made some bold, brave moves, and I want to honor your vulnerability in calling and in choosing the next right step for you. But now you're at a precipice, and I think you got to make a bigger call. And maybe you make the call after the wedding. Maybe you make the call or you write down some things that must be true and you hand them to him and you give him a road map and say, I'm going to go on this trip. When I come back, if you want to rebuild our marriage, here's what must be true. Or if you're just done, give him the honor and dignity of saying, I'm putting a period at the end of the sentence and I'm going to file, But show up as the person you want to most be. And that's a person who tells the truth. That's the person who makes the next right hard call, and that's the person who treats everybody with dignity and respect, regardless of whether the world thinks they, quote, unquote, deserve it or not. So I'm proud of you for keeping yourself safe. I'm proud of you for picking the next right thing. I'm proud of you for having hard conversations. And I'm proud of you for making the tough, tough calls that are right here in front of you moving forward. You call anytime, Ray, and I'll have you on. And if he wants to call, I'll be happy to talk to him as well. Thanks for the call. I'm really grateful for you. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney for Hallow. What could you accomplish in 90 days? You can get in shape, you can lose some weight, you can be nicer to your family. Right? And that's why I want you to try hallow for 90 days. It can transform your spiritual life. Hallow is the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And it's one of the most important things I do to start every day. Anchoring myself in my faith helps me slow down and actually prioritize what matters and how. It will give you 90 days for free to do the same thing. Building a habit of reflection, slowing down, and anchoring to Something bigger than yourself. Hallow is simple and it has guided prayers and meditations and more. It meets you where you are and it helps you anchor your faith into a practice with daily reflections, scripture, music, special series, most importantly, peace. You can try hallow for free for 90 days at hallow.com deloney that's hallow.com deloney for three months for free. All right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

[Kelly]

Yes, I really like this one and I think you will too. This is from Rachel in one of your favorite cities in the world.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Des Moines.

[Kelly]

Oh, San Antonio. I was being legit. Like, what are your favorite cities?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can't tell if you're telling the truth or not.

[Kelly]

And she writes. So I just wanted to say that I am married to a mechanic from Arkansas. You often talk about asking your wife for a syllabus or asking your spouse for a syllabus. We aren't nerds. No offense. So instead I asked him to make me a mixtape.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, gosh, isn't this amazing?

[Kelly]

He made her a mixtape that describes who he is and where he is in his life. She said, by the second song, I was in tears. You've changed our life so much. We aren't great with the words, but I'm so grateful for all that you do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what's up.

[Kelly]

That is so cool. I love everything about that. Can you imagine how cool that would be to sit down? He made her a whole Spotify playlist and just to sit down and be like, who am I right now? What describes me? I mean, what a cool idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, it's the best. We gotta say Spotify playlists are fine. We got to bring back the mixtape. Cuz that took a lot of effort.

[Kelly]

I mean, the what would take more effort now would be actually finding a tape player.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what I mean. If somebody rolls up on it with a, like a live mixtape, marry them immediately. Or like just forgive whatever nonsense they've done. If you've been a terrible person, mixtape it.

[Kelly]

Don't you remember sitting in front of it ready to hold, you know, dude. To press play and record at the same time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Same time, yes.

[Kelly]

And then hoping you missed the DJ talking over your song.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh my gosh. Yeah. And then like having to like, you get all the songs, but you got to put them in the right order so you got to go back and dub over so good.

[Kelly]

Then writing on the tape all the songs.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Last night I was thinking of this. I had a. There was a girl in seventh grade that I thought was cute in the Lunchroom. And I had a buddy who worked in the school office, like as a teacher's aide or something. I asked him to go through the card catalog. And if you don't know what that is, if you're young, they used to print off parts of the Internet and just put it in a box called a card catalog and get her information. He got me her number. At lunch. I mouthed across the cafeteria when we made eye contact. And I mouthed her at like the. Her. Her phone number. And I did like the numbers with my hands. Like 2, 8, 1, right. Because we were in Houston. She was like, I'm in. It was awesome. If I did that same thing now. Jail, Instant jail.

[Kelly]

Oh yeah. Like if. If my son. Or if your son did that at school, we would get a call you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. That your kid is now in prison

[Kelly]

for stalking or whatever.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For stalking.

[Kelly]

And they would be suspended.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, yes.

[Kelly]

I mean, for goodness sakes, when my kid was in kindergarten, he got suspended for two days for playing finger guns. Pew pew. In the playground with another kid as a five year old. So that would totally get you in trouble.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I used to leave class early to make it across campus. Cause I knew my wife was gonna. That she was my girlfriend at the time. Would be walking from one of her classes to another class just to see her and be like, hey, what's up? And she's like, oh, hey. And then I'd keep walking, stalking. I would be in jail. I'd be in jail.

[Kelly]

I mean, the fact that the police's Every Breath youh Take was such a huge song. That song is creepy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's Dirty Bird. That is dirty Bird.

[Kelly]

That song is so stalky. But at the time we didn't think

[Dr. John DeLoney]

that, oh, he's watching every move I make.

[Kelly]

Every breath I take. How romantic. We thought it was romantic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now it's like, hey, don't talk to me. Just. Just.

[Kelly]

Just like text me or DM me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Shoot me a snap. Yeah, the kids use snap anymore. That's probably an old person thing now.

[Kelly]

Not as much. They still dm, but more importantly, Rachel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rachel Mixtape.

[Kelly]

This is amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's my hero and her husband's my hero. I'm just thinking of an awesome mechanic in Arkansas. And he's like, what's a syllabus? I know. I'm going to make a playlist. Yes, yes and yes and yes. We need to bring back that OG romance, minus the stocky stuff. If somebody looks at you and says, I'm watching every breath you take. For real run. For real run.

[Kelly]

After you call the cops.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, call the cops and run. But if they hand you a mixtape, oh, yeah.