My Husband Is Not Respectable (He Just Plays Video Games)

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – August 18, 2025

Episode: My Husband Is Not Respectable (He Just Plays Video Games)
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network

---

Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives into real, complex relationship and mental health challenges, delivered in Delony’s direct yet compassionate style. He takes calls from three women facing difficult circumstances: struggling with unreciprocated efforts in marriage, processing hurtful comments about body image from a partner’s friends and family, and handling intense loneliness as a single mom. Dr. Delony focuses on the necessity of choosing reality, setting boundaries, building self-respect, and the profound power of vulnerability and connection.

---

Key Discussions & Insights

---

1. [Lauren in Phoenix] - “My Husband Is Not Respectable”

Timestamps: 01:15 – 14:37

Main Topic

Lauren feels unloved in her marriage and struggles to respect her husband, who is passive, checked-out, and more engaged with hobbies (like woodworking and gardening) than with family responsibilities.

Discussion Highlights

• Direct, Brave Questions
  • Delony: “Are you lovable?” (00:10, 01:54)
  • Lauren: “I think so. I like myself.” (01:57)
  • Delony: “Is he respectable?”
  • Lauren: “That’s why I’m struggling.” (02:06)
• Mental Health & Accountability
  • Husband has clinical ADHD, depression, and anxiety, but does not actively seek help.
  • Delony asserts diagnoses explain behavior but do not excuse lack of effort.
    • “I struggle with clinical anxiety... but I do at least value myself and my family enough to do the work.” (03:38)
• Hyperfocus & Neglect
  • Husband hyperfocuses on hobbies, neglecting domestic and emotional duties.
  • Delony reframes: “It’s not the diagnostic that’s the problem here.” (05:09)
• Lauren’s Weight of Responsibility
  • She feels burdened with managing children and household alone.
  • “Trying to get him to help me is herculean.” (03:47)
• Choosing Reality
  • Marriage requires two people—one disengaged partner means the other must “choose reality” rather than wish for change.
  • Delony: “If you’re going to stay in the marriage, you have to decide: I’ve got to come up with a system for managing the house and the kids. That’s you choosing reality.” (08:12)

Notable Quotes

• “Fidelity is way bigger than intercourse with other people... Fidelity is like, you can cheat on your spouse with work, golf, alcohol, or simply being a leech on this relationship.” (08:45)
• “You can’t make the sky purple, just blue.” (05:56)

Advice Given

• Give husband a direct, written map of what respect and engagement look like to her.
• Prepare for him to refuse change.
• Reflect on what her “or what” is—that non-negotiable boundary.
• Remember: children are silently learning from their parents’ dynamic.

---

2. [Emily in Philadelphia] – Hurtful Comments about Body Image

Timestamps: 17:44 – 41:30

Main Topic

Emily feels wounded by derogatory remarks from her boyfriend’s friends and father regarding her weight. Her boyfriend has distanced himself from these friends/family, but Emily struggles with internalized shame and self-worth.

Discussion Highlights

• External Disrespect, Internal Pain
  • Boyfriend’s friends/family made fatphobic and objectifying comments (“I didn’t know you were into fat girls.”)
  • Emily feels responsible for the rift between boyfriend and his inner circle.
• Boyfriend’s Response
  • Delony reframes: “He chose you. He drew boundaries. He picked you.” (20:01)
• Avoidance and Secrets
  • Emily is internalizing the pain, not sharing her distress with her boyfriend, which undermines intimacy.
  • “Don’t be a person who lacks integrity... Don’t become part of yourself around other people.” (24:27)
• Childhood Roots
  • Emily’s issues with body image stem from her mother’s critical comments and from cultural pressures.
  • Delony urges her to “set down” the voices of her mother and others—to stop letting their votes count in her self-assessment.
• Self-Validation
  • “Your cup’s pretty empty... your boyfriend can’t fill it from the outside. It shouldn’t be able to be drained from the outside, either.” (39:00)
  • Encourages Emily to explore therapy and self-love, and to practice self-compassion (e.g., write a letter to her 35-year-old self titled, “Dear Beautiful”).

Notable Quotes

• “You get to pick what you meditate on.” (35:41)
• “You’re looking for external validation... You have to decide from the inside out.” (27:27)
• “If you go looking for places in the world where you don’t belong, you’ll find them.” (34:36)
• “You’re worth being loved. And you’re worth being loved really, really well.” (39:56)

Advice Given

• Be honest with her boyfriend about how the comments affected her.
• Examine the origins of her self-doubt.
• Commit to self-care and internal validation.
• Don’t let old family wounds dictate present self-worth.

---

3. [Kaylee in Santa Fe] – Loneliness as a Single Mother

Timestamps: 42:07 – 55:51

Main Topic

Kaylee, a single mother, feels overwhelmed by loneliness, set against a backdrop of family trauma (alcoholic father, controlling mother) and an abusive relationship with her children’s father.

Discussion Highlights

• Deeper Roots of Loneliness
  • Kaylee’s isolation is not new—her nervous system is “programmed” for loneliness after years of unreliable, critical, or unsafe family relationships.
  • She struggles to trust others and does not wish to burden her one close friend.
• Cycle of Perfectionism
  • Kaylee tries to “perform” for acceptance, keeping her suffering hidden and striving for control.
• Practical Connection
  • Delony encourages her to intentionally create imperfect, vulnerable moments with friends (e.g., leave laundry out, ask friends to bring leftovers, meet weekly).
  • “You can’t turn friendship into a performance. You’ve been performing for loved ones your whole life. That’s over.” (51:46)
• Parental Boundaries
  • Kaylee’s goal is to change her family tree—Delony advises starting “at the roots,” not by over-parenting but by taking care of herself and forming friendships so her kids aren’t responsible for her emotional wellbeing.
• Church & Community
  • Discusses the need to find safe, emotionally sincere community (religious or otherwise).
• Self-Acceptance
  • Kaylee repeatedly mentions feeling she must “earn” love, but Delony asserts: “You don’t need to earn it—you’re their mom. You get it.” (54:53)

Notable Quotes

• “Looking at another person or group and saying: this is all of me—do you still love me? That’s really scary... but that’s the answer.” (53:13)
• “You can be lonely in a crowded room. You’re not crazy. You’re a good mom.” (48:04)
• “The greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated, well mom.” (53:24)
• “Stop trying to earn the closest people’s love. You’ve been trying to earn it your whole life…” (54:59)

Advice Given

• Invite friends into her life without pretense.
• Build consistent adult support systems (weekly gatherings).
• Allow children to witness her prioritizing her own needs and happiness.
• Reject the idea that love from close family must be earned.

---

Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “Fidelity is way bigger than you think. You can cheat with work, with hobbies, with your phone.” – Delony (08:45)
• “Give him a roadmap. Here’s what respect looks like for me. Your move, chief.” – Delony to Lauren (14:09, 14:54)
• “Your behavior is a language, too.” – Delony on boundaries and follow-through (14:37)
• “You’re running around your life exhausted, looking for reasons why the cup is empty, and they can’t fill it up from the outside.” – Delony to Emily (39:00)
• “Don’t turn friendship into a performance... Your body knows it’s a show, not connection.” – Delony to Kaylee (51:46)
• “The greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated, well mom.” – Delony (53:24)

---

Segment Timestamps

• Lauren (Marriage struggles / Respect): 01:15 – 14:37
• Emily (Body image, self-worth, relationship tension): 17:44 – 41:30
• Kaylee (Loneliness, single parenting, community): 42:07 – 55:51

---

Conclusion

Dr. John Delony emphasizes, through tough love and illustrative storytelling, that real change comes from confronting reality, setting explicit boundaries, practicing self-respect, and pursuing genuine connection and vulnerability. Each caller is reminded that they are worthy of love—not for what they do, but for who they are—and that healing often begins with the smallest acts of honesty and reaching out.

Transcript

[Caller/Guest]

Struggling with my marriage. Kind of your typical. I'm struggling to feel loved. He doesn't feel respected.

[John Deloney]

And I'm going to ask this in a rude way. Are you lovable?

[Caller/Guest]

I think so. I like myself.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Is he respectable?

[Caller/Guest]

That's why I'm struggling.

[John Deloney]

Ta da. What up, what up, what up, what up? This is John. John Deloney show. So glad that you're with us, talking about your mental and emotional health and your marriages and relationships, whatever you got going on in your life. I've had way, way, way too much coffee today, so I'm talking too fast. So if you're thinking, what is happening to my listening device? It's me. It's not your device. You may want to back it down to 1.5, 1.25. So we can have a regular conversation today. All right. Hey, if you want to be on the show, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com. ask a s k. Let's roll out to the surface of the sun and talk to Lauren in Phoenix, Arizona. Hey, Lauren. What's up?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, you are correct, Dr. John. It is the surface of the sun out here. It is hot. I am excited to be talking to you today.

[John Deloney]

I am more excited to be talking to you.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, thank you. Well, kind of struggling with my marriage. Kind of your typical, you know, I'm struggling to feel loved. He doesn't feel respected, like, you know, kind of stuff. And so my question is, is can.

[John Deloney]

I ask you a question? At the very beginning, I've always wanted to do this.

[Caller/Guest]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

Or. And I'm gonna ask this in. In a really, like, in a rude way.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, go ahead.

[John Deloney]

Are you lovable?

[Caller/Guest]

I. I think so. I like myself.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Worked pretty hard to be someone I like.

[John Deloney]

Is he respectable?

[Caller/Guest]

That's why I'm struggling.

[John Deloney]

All right, so why is he not respectable?

[Caller/Guest]

So.

[John Deloney]

Just. Hey, you already called, so just. Cannonball, sister. Just. Just jump off the top.

[Caller/Guest]

I know, I know. Well, so he. He's. To be fair, he struggles with depression and anxiety and some emotional disorders.

[John Deloney]

Does he do the hard work to go. To go work on those things?

[Caller/Guest]

Not. Not. He says he's working on them, but, like, not. Re. Like, I don't see that hard work that I would expect.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm trying to get him to go see somebody for therapy and. And work on some of this stuff, but it's. It's hard to get somebody to go to therapy who doesn't want to go.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, it doesn't work that way. Yeah, unfortunately. So give me some examples of. Let's. Let's take the diagnostics and put them aside. Has he been clinically diagnosed before?

[Caller/Guest]

Yes, he is clinically diagnosed.

[John Deloney]

Okay. He just doesn't want to do any of the. Of the work, to head into the light.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I don't know. That's what's so confusing sometimes is. Is he says he does behaviors of language.

[John Deloney]

What's he doing?

[Caller/Guest]

I. I know you say that all the time, but he also has adhd.

[John Deloney]

I do, too. It doesn't matter. I see a lot. I'm doing a lot of work. Doesn't matter.

[Caller/Guest]

That's part of the struggle.

[John Deloney]

I struggle with clinical anxiety. I struggle with clinical ocd. And I'm not better than anybody, but I do at least value myself and my family enough to do the work.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And that's. And that's kind of my struggle is like, I'm like, I know it's hard for you to focus. It's hard for you to remember, you know, but, like, these things need done, and then he'll just, like, forget. Like, that's a really big thing, is he's always forgetting about, like, everything. And so I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders for the kids and the house, the responsibilities and all that. And so trying to get him to help me is herculean task.

[John Deloney]

And when someone struggles mightily with adhd, we don't do a very good job of talking about the other side of that coin. What is the one or two things that he lasers in on and can focus, like, in an unfathomable way?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, he does. He does do that. So he hyper focuses on, like, woodworking or gardening.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So for some reason, woodworking and gardening have become priority over wife, house, kids, 100%. And so it's not a matter. I don't want everything to get rolled off and blamed on diagnostics. It wasn't until my wife told me, I feel less loved when you are late all the time that I finally got it.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller/Guest]

I. I have said things like that.

[John Deloney]

No, no, I know you have. I'm just. I want you to point out it's not the diagnostic that's the problem here.

[Caller/Guest]

Fair.

[John Deloney]

That diagnostic is just the way a body responds to chaos. It's the way a body responds to stress. So underneath all of that, I have to do the things to have a less chaotic and less stressful life. Those are choices I make, and they're hard. Yeah, you're worth that. Your kids are worth that, and, and.

[Caller/Guest]

That'S, that's why I'm having such a hard time, is like I, I want to, I want to improve my marriage. I don't want him to feel like I don't respect him. And so I'm like, how, how I show him respect when I'm struggling to find things that are respect worthy.

[John Deloney]

You can't, you can't make the sky purple, just blue. And marriage unfortunately has to be built with two people. And he is looking at you saying, I'm not interested in building something new. I'm interested in my tomatoes and my peppers. You've been working a long time on this, haven't you?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it's, it's, yeah, really long.

[John Deloney]

What is your or what moment?

[Caller/Guest]

Sorry, what, what do you mean? Can you explain a little more?

[John Deloney]

Yeah, like you have to change or what? Here's a good example. In my house, doesn't have to be divorce. One morning I wandered out to go to church and I was like 15 minutes late. My wife was gone. She drove herself. And I was pretty embarrassed. But her or what moment was I. I'm not gonna be late anymore because when I walk into an auditorium of people, I feel like everybody's looking at me. I feel uncomfortable. And I've told you that I feel less than when we show up places late. So I'm just gonna go, I can bother you about it. I'm going to make peace with my reality. I'm going to choose reality in my life. And choosing reality is my husband would rather get a workout in and sit there and eat breakfast and read his phone and read a book and whatever else more than make sure that his wife feels safe. She drove herself. And then I had a choice to.

[Caller/Guest]

That's kind of where like I'm at. And I have, I have voiced that to him, where I'm like, you know, here, here's what I need. Here's what's got to happen.

[John Deloney]

And he has looked at you with his actions and said, I don't care. So now the move, it's, it's your chess move. What's your move?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't.

[John Deloney]

Well, if you're going to stay in the marriage, then you have to decide then I've got to come up with a system for managing the house and I've got to come up with a system for managing these kids. That's you just choosing reality.

[Caller/Guest]

And what if my systems to manage it all make him upset?

[John Deloney]

Then he gets to make a grown up choice. You can participate or you're welcome to leave.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, fair.

[John Deloney]

We have an obsession with fidelity being about intercourse with other people. Fidelity is way bigger than that. Fidelity is like, you can cheat on your. On your spouse with work or the golf course or with alcohol or with fishing. I mean, you could cheat on your spouse with. I am going to just simply be a leech on this relationship, a parasite. It will be all about me. And when anything in my little ecosystem gets disrupted, I'm going to cause a scene that's not being a person of fidelity. And so in. In your husband's cashed out.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And then. How dare you. He blame you for having to make. Make new systems to keep the house afloat. And for whatever it's worth, I remember. I'll remember till the day I die, a conversation in my backyard with my wife in central Texas. When I said, I feel like you have built an entire life that doesn't include me. And her response was, john, I had to. You're too anxious. You're not doing anything about it. Everything's chaotic. Everything is spun up. You don't sleep. You wander around the neighborhood. You wander around the house. You're. And she was right. And that started a slow, painful journey back into. Why am. Why is my body responding like this? I'm throwing a lot at you. Talk to me.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, a lot of what you said is, like, some similar conversations that my husband and I have had where, you know, he's like, he just doesn't feel a part of our family. And I'm like, you know, I want you to be like. And I'll invite him to, like, come be with me and the kids and come do things with me and the kids. But he. He doesn't necessarily want to or, you know, he's. He just wants to have the option to not necessarily come. He doesn't want to be expected to be there. And.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, that's cowardice. That's cowardice. I'm sorry.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. No, I. Well, that's. That's part of the problem is, is I want. I want to respect my husband. Like, I really do. Like, I've always. I want that, obviously, but it's just, like, he keeps doing behaviors that are like, how do I respect that?

[John Deloney]

Yeah. So. So the last ditch. If I were you, I would hand him a. Here's what respect looks like for me. Give them a map. And that might feel elementary, but here's where we are. In counseling, we call it the one up and the one down position. You can lead a house from the one up position. That's usually not always. I know women who are like this, but it's often men who beat their chest and yell and scream to get their way. That's the one up. And they kind of just bully their way through the world. But you can also bully your way through the world from the one down position. You may have people in your life that's like, oh, well, okay, well, I guess I just won't eat then. Then y' all just go ahead. I'll, you know what, I'll just stay here since there's no room in the car. And you're like, shut up. Right? That is. I'm gonna get what I want. I'm just gonna kind of just be drippy about it.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Both of those are bully tactics. To get what you want without having to co operate and co manage and be vulnerable and love and create something with somebody else. It's a selfish way of living. Somebody who wants to be invited so they can tell you, I don't want to go. Good God, dude.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Deloney]

And also maybe, maybe we've just are surfacing a generation of men who are having kids and are finding themselves 10 years in, they had no model growing up. And they think respect is about feelings, not about action. So cool. Here's a map. Here's what respect looks like. A guy that gets up and goes for a walk. Guy who gets up and exercises. A guy who gets up and makes the bed. Respect looks like a guy who's got a full time job. Respect is a guy who, if you hurt your back, if you have ankle injuries, or you have anxiety and ADHD and depression, you go do what you need to do to become well and whole. That's the job. And by the way, respect isn't like David Goggins, like crush it and kill. Yesterday I hurt myself. I hurt myself lifting. Hurt my back. And my wife said this morning, please do all of us a favor and don't go in there and try to. And I said, I know, I got it. Because respect looks like actually backing off my workout today. I worked out less. Right. You see what I'm saying? But it's about doing the thing that's gonna keep you whole.

[Caller/Guest]

Right?

[John Deloney]

Respect looks like I need your help with the kids. Respect looks like on Monday nights we eat at home. On Tuesday nights we go out. We're just gonna be clear for a little while. Here's what you gotta be willing to ready for. He might look at you and just say, no, I'm not doing any of this.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, yeah. And it'll. It'll probably make him feel really bad to do that, but I think. I think that's a good idea.

[John Deloney]

I think. I think he's. His whole life is being led around the nose by his feelings. Yeah, and his feelings aren't telling him the truth. And his little feelings are about to cost him everything. He can say what he wants, but he's got to. He's got to. He's got to act. And by the way, that applies to you, too. You can sit there and have conversation after conversation about, I'm not going to and I'm not going to, but your behavior is a language, too. And what you're keep telling him is, yeah, actually, I am. I'm going to. I'm going to talk a big game, but I'm not going to actually do anything different. Your behavior is a language, too. And by the way, in all of this, and I know you know this, I don't want to kick you while you're down, but your kids are just absorbing. That's what men look like. That's what husbands look like. This is what marriage looks like. And they deserve a different picture also. But I give him a road map. I'd give him some really clear in writing. Here's what respect looks like. Your move, chief. Just be prepared for him to make a move that doesn't really serve anybody. But we'll keep our fingers crossed. Maybe he'll step up. We'll be right back. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Do you feel like your digital footprints, you know, your text messages, your emails, your maps in your car are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right back to you. Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph. And they try to trick you into giving them something like your information by pretending to know you. You might get an email, a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's looking out for you and trying to help you out, but they're not. With all of these new technological advancements coming at us a million miles an hour, no one is really safe. So what are we supposed to do? We can start controlling what we can. We can learn how to be careful online and offline. And we can all sign up with delete me. I use and recommend delete me because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. I don't have to worry. Creepy data brokers having my data and trying to sell it behind my back. Delete Me has reviewed tens of thousands of sites for me. And when they found stuff, they've removed data from hundreds of the sites, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop phishing attacks, harassment, and other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete me, go to joindeleteme.com deloney today for 20% off your annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com Deloney let's go out to Philadelphia, where we were born and raised. Playgrounds where Kelly spent most of her days. You're not a basketball player though, are you? That was a funny joke. I just being funny. No, I'm not. No. I did used to like to go to the playground when I was little. You know, the Philly. You got one little fight. Your mom got mad.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Sent me to live with my aunt.

[John Deloney]

And uncle and Bel Air, which I don't have. Let's go to Emily. What's up, Emily?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey, how's it going? Happy to be here.

[John Deloney]

We're doing great. Thanks for. Thanks for calling in. So what's going on in your world?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, so thanks again. So, yeah, I've just been processing this, what happened to me like a couple months ago. And for some reason it's on my mind so you guys can like hear me out and give me some thoughtful advice. But basically, like, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal with some hurtful comments from my boyfriend's inner circle as it pertains to like my self confidence and self image and how do I move past that?

[John Deloney]

Yeah. What happened?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, so I can just provide some context. So we've been going together pretty quickly. So like we got together three years ago and we're living together now and everything up until this point has been really great.

[John Deloney]

But that is so not quickly, Emily. That's forever.

[Caller/Guest]

No, really?

[John Deloney]

Three years.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. It feels like it's been so quick.

[John Deloney]

What's he waiting for?

[Caller/Guest]

Trust me, I don't even know. And I think this situation might have something to do with it. I'm not really sure. Yeah, I'm not really sure. So like he had this like really tight inner circle before we started moving in together. And then once we moved in, they kind of just like dropped off. They don't really come by as much anymore. And I have asked him about it just because it has obviously been on my mind. Hey, why don't your friends come by? Like your family doesn't come by that much, etc. And I had to really grill it out of him. But he said that they make jokes about how I look, and basically, like, my parents, and I think it made him uncomfortable. And so that's drawn, like, a wedge between their relationship. And so some of the stuff that they said, I mean, they come from, like, his father and his friend he's had for, like, 13 years, and it's all about my weight. Like, the first thing his dad said, and this is what stuck to me was when I guess my partner showed him pictures of me, was like, oh, I didn't. No, you were into fat girls. And then. Yeah. And then his friend would say stuff like, she definitely got an extra push in for the cushion. Like, I didn't realize this was the type of person you're into. And he's been, like, withholding that information. Like, I literally had to pry it out of him because up until this point, like, no one has come by. And I think he's just trying to, like, protect himself and protect me. But.

[John Deloney]

Can I reframe this for you?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I don't. I don't think that every idiotic thing that his dad says or every idiotic thing that his buddies say needs to just be on a pipeline right to you. Yeah, I do like that. He drew some pretty firm boundaries and said, I choose her, and if y' all are going to be disrespectful, then y' all are out.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so I want you to reframe this. I get that, man. That changes everything for you.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And. But I want you to let me say it this way. The. The perfect world that you wanted, which is he's going to keep his inner circle of friends. I'm going to become. We're going to be one big, happy friend family. And then I'm going to be really close to his parents, and it's going to be this beautiful picture. That picture's over, but I want you to see the other side of it, which is. He chose you. He chose you.

[Caller/Guest]

I feel, like, really bad, though, and, like, really guilty. Like, I've been extra like it.

[John Deloney]

Why would you take that on? He hasn't put that on you. You're. You're.

[Caller/Guest]

You. You.

[John Deloney]

You went into his backpack. There was nothing in there. So you went in the backyard and you put bricks in your own backpack. Why would you do that? So those guys suck. They're not good men.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

They disparaged him in front of his face. They disparaged the woman that he is probably gonna spend the rest of his life with. And he said, I'm out.

[Caller/Guest]

Do I have a reason to, like question who he was when I wasn't in the picture? Or should I just say this is like a sign of a good man.

[John Deloney]

You can say whatever you want. I know I'm a radically different guy than I was.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I know, I think I've told this on the show, but I, I had a list that I made when I was 18 years old at the very wrong headed advice of a mentor. And it was the 10 things that would be non negotiables for the person I spend the rest of my life with. I'm coming on 26 years with the same person, including marriage and dating. She had two of the ten and one of them was be a pretty woman. She had one. One characteristic.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Right. And so, no, I mean, I mean I, I would hope he would change. I would hope that he has a really like, firm belief about this, a political thing. And then he meets somebody who shows him a different side, a different way to interpret, different way to see something and he changes his mind. And so maybe he was an knuckleheaded man and said, beauty is only in this category, only looks like this. And then he met somebody else and he was like, oh my gosh, I was wrong. Beauty is way different than I had pegged it.

[Caller/Guest]

Maybe I told him I wasn't like upset about. Because I know he felt awkward to say it. Yeah. And I was like, oh, I'm not upset. I'm not triggered. It's their opinion. It doesn't matter. But like internally, right. Like, it's like I've worked so hard to get past these thoughts of feeling like, oh, I'm not worthy because of my size. And, and it's just like those comments brought me right back to where I started. And I don't want to let him, you know, like, I don't want to let him know that I'm like upset. But it's like it's. They're ruminating in my head, you know.

[John Deloney]

So flip it around. You. When you, you're frustrated. Him for quote unquote, keeping this from.

[Caller/Guest]

From you a little bit. But.

[John Deloney]

I know, but you're doing the same thing back to him. Don't do that.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Because here's the deal. He can feel your tension.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

He can feel you look over his shoulder to see who's texting to see if it's his dad or if it's this other long term buddy of his.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

He can feel you when you're. When you're like, hey, what are you doing this weekend? He's like, no, I'm just gonna hang out with you. And you're like, yeah, man, he can feel it. And you know what he's gonna do? He's gonna blame himself. Yeah, don't do that.

[Caller/Guest]

And it's like, I. I don't know if they know that I know. So it's like, when I see them, there's this, like, unspoken tension, you know? And I don't know how to get past that either.

[John Deloney]

You go right through it. You go right through it.

[Caller/Guest]

I don't bring it up that I know.

[John Deloney]

Do what?

[Caller/Guest]

I don't bring it up that I know. I just try to stay strong and not let it get to me.

[John Deloney]

Why? Why? That's. That's a facade. It got to you.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Don't be a person who lacks integrity. And in integrity, the. The root is integer. It means whole. Don't become part of yourself around other people. Right. And maybe that. And for some people, like, for me, that's making a joke. I had bad acne in high school, and so I would make a joke when people. When I hear people are making fun of me. Where were you last night? I was like, well, my. My zits were too crazy, and they would kind of go, oh, gosh. Right. That's the way I would handle it. Some people say, I just don't want to be around you. Some people say probably it was their weird, awkward way of trying to connect with him and say something funny that was kind of mean, but kind of funny, and it didn't work.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You know what I mean? Like. Like, I remember a buddy of mine got, like, a really, really nice car, and several of us stood out around the car, and we just. We're like, man, I. I never would have bought that car. That's embarrassing for you. But good. Good for you, man. Like, and it was just. It was us being awkward and us being. Trying to be funny, and it wasn't. You know what I mean? And I know a human's not a car, and I know. I know the sensitivities and the joke. I get that.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I have. Like, I'm overthinking, too, because now it's like, as soon as he said that, like, maybe this is just me ruminating, but, like, the pictures on the social media, like, he doesn't post them anymore. Like, it's. I feel like I'm not crazy, but I feel like something changed, and I don't Know what it is like? It's like since they said that, it's like I feel like he might not be like wanting to show me off. I feel like those comments maybe also be getting to him. And I'm trying to avoid that. Like, really, I'm trying not to.

[John Deloney]

You know, And I'm gonna tell you, avoidance is gonna, is gonna melt this relationship from the inside out.

[Caller/Guest]

But what do I like? I don't know if I like bring it up and say, hey, these actually do bother me. I'm still thinking about it like a couple weeks later. It's not going away.

[John Deloney]

Yes, yes. You sit down with him and say, hey, you know I love you. You know you're my guy and I've been keeping a secret from you in all of this conversation. You use the word I because just on its merits. I think what he did was pretty, pretty dang noble. He picked you.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I think you saying, for some reason I feel I have guilt in my soul that you don't have these relationships anymore or they've gotten real thin and you chose me. And I'm really grateful that you chose me. But that was your guy, that was your dad, and I spun back out. But here's the thing. Can I ask you a real hard question that's going to give me a lot of mean stuff on the Internet?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. No, not really. No. No, no.

[John Deloney]

Can I ask you a question?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

What is it about what they said that has hit home with you? Take him out of the picture. Have you wrestled with your weight your whole life?

[Caller/Guest]

My whole life.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Because a lot of times the thing that we're the most self conscious of, the thing that we have gone to war with our whole life, we wear a pair of glasses and that's all we see in the world and that's all we go looking for. So when somebody makes one comment, one joke, we, we were waiting for it because it justifies our belief in ourself.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Like the unworthiness.

[John Deloney]

That's right. And so you don't believe you're worthy of even being in this relationship, of having a guy that's going to dedicate three years to you, of being married to anybody.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so you go through every second of every minute of every day looking for somebody to say a thing. It justifies the way you feel about yourself.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I think that's spot on. How do I stop that?

[John Deloney]

You have to decide because you're looking for external validation.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And you're looking for external critique. You have to decide from the inside out. And can I tell you something that is very not PC and very not cool to say?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You have to get to the bottom of why you don't love yourself. And you have to get to the bottom of if your weight is something, your health is something you want to deal with, why has it been so hard to deal with?

[Caller/Guest]

Like, this just brings me back to, like, my mom, like, would criticize me and say, you don't need to eat that.

[John Deloney]

That's right.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so you have. Here's the way I heard the great Terry Real, give some wisdom to a client one time and I'll pass it along to you. You have a. You have a picture of your mom?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. I want you to take a small picture of your mom. I want you to print it out or put it right there on your phone. And every time you're about to go out with your boyfriend and you're standing in front of the mirror and you just want to disappear because you don't like how you look, I want you to pull that picture out and I want you to look at it and I want you to talk directly to your mom. I don't want you to say, hey, Mom, I'm about to have less fun with a man who says he loves me because I'm going to choose to believe you and the hate you spewed my whole childhood over him. Thanks, Mom. I choose you today. And you're going to feel ridiculous when you do that, but at some point, you're going to have to say out loud what mom said to me and did was wrong and it hurt. And I refuse to carry that into future relationships.

[Caller/Guest]

That's going to be. That's really hard.

[John Deloney]

I know it is because it protects you. It protects you. That anger and that rage and those pair of glasses. Who's about to hurt me. Who's about to hurt me. Because the one woman that was supposed to love all of you didn't. And by the way, she probably was trying. She just did it the wrong way. How old are you?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm 30.

[John Deloney]

Hey.

[Caller/Guest]

Too old for this.

[John Deloney]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. This stuff. I've talked to 70 year olds who are still struggling with body dysmorphia. It's not. But listen, it doesn't know. You got to go through it, sister. But listen to me. In the late 90s, like, Skinny was healthy. That was the. That was what everyone was told.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And the only way to be seen as loved back in the late 90s was to be Thin. That's what we were all told. And so in a weird, awkward, not healthy way, your mom probably tried.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And she hurts you. Maybe she was evil. Maybe. I don't know. But all I'm telling you now is at 30, still carrying all this around, still letting her speak into your life, still letting some. One of your boyfriend's old bros speak into the woman who's looking in the mirror. I was going to tell you, man, set that crap down. They don't get a vote.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And yeah, you are not happy with your. With your aesthetic. If you, underneath the aesthetic, are not happy with your health. If you truly have challenges with your weight, then I want you to say, I am worth getting to the bottom of these challenges. And not just scrolling Instagram and not just finding online diets, but actually get some help and care. Both of those things are true.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And you're so right. I it. And it's crazy because I do feel like I have grown a lot since, you know, my childhood being bullied and stuff. But like, those comments just brought me right back to where I started.

[John Deloney]

That's exactly right. It's exactly right.

[Caller/Guest]

Does that ever stop when you decide?

[John Deloney]

And here's what's crazy. Okay. I'm going to take some. I'm going to take. Give you a. A scenario that's way outside of what's happening here just so you can experience it. Okay. The worst thing that can happen to a parent in the world is them to. Is for a parent to lose a child. Right. It's not the way it's supposed to be. Children are supposed to bury their parents, not the other way around. A very common thing that happens is especially in a. Well, in any situation is what I call a lightning bolt will pop into the mind of a parent after the funeral of their child in a casket of their child in a funeral home. And that's their body's way of trying to keep the parent safe moving forward to remember the worst thing that ever happened so that we can all stay safe. It's built into us. But when that lightning bolt comes into a parent's head, when that picture snaps into their head, they are faced with an instantaneous choice. Do I want to meditate on the worst moment of my life or do I want to immediately say nope and switch to a photo in my head, a movie that's going to play in my mind that I have ready to rock and roll of my kid driving his Big Wheel around and us laughing? Or like the other night when my daughter was trying to figure out how high she could pull my eyelids up. And we were laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. I get to pick which one of those. Which one of those things I meditate on. And so you. Are you overweight?

[Caller/Guest]

Like, not really.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

But kind of like my BMI is. Is. But like I lift. Like I'm. I'm a weightless.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. My BMI is all jacked up too. And I'm just. Got that guy had to turn the stress test off on me the other day. He's like, you just got the highest stress test in my office ever. Now, my doctor worked mostly with geriatrics. I kind of cheated, but you know what I mean. So here's the deal. You know the truth.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But as Berne Brown says, if you go looking for places in the world where you don't belong 100%, you're going to find them.

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my God.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so I'm going to ask you turn the radar off. Turn it off?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

It's not serving you anymore. And when somebody makes a comment, when you feel like this shirt's too big, I mean, too small. I don't look good in these shorts anymore. I just saw my boyfriend and he saw me in short shorts and he glanced away real fast. It must be because. Fill in the blank. Whatever story you're going to make up, you have a choice in that moment.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Am I going to meditate on. I've always been gross. I'm. Look at this. Look at my butt. Look at my cellulite. Look. I'm just trying to come up with the most egregious stuff. Right. I'm going to just go down that rabbit hole. Or I'm gonna instantly insert that photo in my mind. The first time I turned a corner and I caught him looking at me and he couldn't breathe. And you know you've had those moments too, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You get to pick what you meditate on.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And if somebody says something that is crude and disgusting and disturbing and he just blows by it, that's probably not the guy for you.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

If a man is willing to cut ties with a 13 year friendship because you're not going to talk about my future wife that way, that's a guy I'm probably. Gonna. Probably gonna consider building a house with.

[Caller/Guest]

Really?

[John Deloney]

Yes.

[Caller/Guest]

So his response was good. It's just not nice. Comments all around that I'm just meditating on.

[John Deloney]

I think you're looking for a reason to end this relationship because you want to be justified in your discomfort and the vulnerability of moving forward and making a relationship with somebody that you can't believe loves you more than you love yourself.

[Caller/Guest]

Right. That's exactly that. You're getting me to cry. Then stop. That's exactly it. Like, it's like, I don't feel like I deserve someone like that.

[John Deloney]

I think you do. You a good person, Emily?

[Caller/Guest]

I think so.

[John Deloney]

Nope. Are you a good person?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah, I care a lot about things. I care really deeply.

[John Deloney]

You know, treat people well.

[Caller/Guest]

I'm so upset. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Do you tip well?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, yeah. I was a server my whole life.

[John Deloney]

There you go. Whenever you're walking out of your office building and you see the custodian, are you kind to them?

[Caller/Guest]

Oh, my gosh. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. You treat your boyfriend really well?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. He's like my best friend.

[John Deloney]

Well, that's just weird. But do you love him?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Do you love.

[Caller/Guest]

Well, I think so. I mean, sometimes I fight, but.

[John Deloney]

Well, we all do. I want you to honor Emily as much as you honor the custodian as you walk out the building. And I want you to love Emily as much as you love the people that work for you in your office building.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And this means you're going to have to start a new relationship with Emily that is based not on the. The stories we're told as kids start to become our experiences, and over time, they become the stories we tell ourselves. We just tell them in our own voice. So mom says, hey, honey, quit eating that. Hey, honey, go change that shirt. It's too tight. You want that boy to think you're cute, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That becomes the voice that you tell yourself the stories in.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And here. That's. And that sucks. But here's what's awesome about it. You get to tell yourself new stories if you want to.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And it's scary.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Can I ask you a real honest question?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Are you beautiful?

[Caller/Guest]

No, I don't think so. I think sometimes, like.

[John Deloney]

Emily, do you think you're beautiful?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I'll say. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Well, don't say it just for me. Does he think you're beautiful?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

But I don't think myself, like, I don't feel that way about myself. Like, there's a lot I. I feel like I could be doing better.

[John Deloney]

Okay. I want you to explore that and probably need to go talk to somebody. And for whatever it's worth, I've studied Struggle with Body image my entire life, and I talk to a couple different people right now. Okay. It's tough. It'll haunt you. But I want you to care for Emily as much as you care for everybody else. Because at the end of the day, you can't get what you don't have. Your cup's pretty empty and you're just running around your life exhausted, looking for reasons why the cup is empty and they can't fill it up from the outside. It'll never get filled up from the outside. And in a weird way, it shouldn't be able to be drained from the outside either. I want you to write 35 year old Emily a letter tonight, all by yourself. And I want you to start the letter with dear Beautiful. Here's the things I started to do and when I was 30, the work I started to do, to fall in love with Emily for the first time so that we could give and accept and anchor into love that was bigger than us. If you don't hear anything else, Emily, you're worth being loved. And you're worth being loved really, really well. And don't keep secrets. Sit down with your boyfriend, tell him that you're hurting, tell him that the whole thing feels weird. And then believe him if he says, hey, I chose you because I want you to choose you too. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. Hey, what up? It's Deloney. For Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. We're all juggling work, family, chaos across the world and a million other things. And all this madness, we often forget to pause and reflect. Creating peace in our life doesn't just happen. We have to be intentional. We have to choose it where we can. We have to make space for it. And for me and for millions of people across the world, this is where Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you an amazing opportunity to slow down and reconnect with your spiritual life, those things that matter most. And one of the best features on Hallow is the daily reflections with Jeff Cavins. Because he helps you connect scripture to real life joys and real life challenges. Or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, Hallow offers mental health meditations and prayers that I have personally found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers and meditations give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in all of this chaos and some purpose in your day, check out Hallow right now. When you sign [e-mail] Doloney, you get three months for free. Go to Hallow H-A L L O W.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, let's go out to Santa Fe, New Mexico, one of my favorite places in the United States, and talk to Kaylee. Hey, Kaylee. What's up?

[Caller/Guest]

Hey. How are you?

[John Deloney]

I'm great. What's going on in your world?

[Caller/Guest]

Well, my question that I wrote in is, how can I overcome my overwhelming loneliness as a single mom of two to be more present and engaged as a parent?

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it. That's so hard. It's so hard. My goodness. So hard. Tell me about it.

[Caller/Guest]

It's really hard. Sorry.

[John Deloney]

No, don't be sorry. Tell me about it.

[Caller/Guest]

I feel really bad for even saying that, because my kids are my world, but I'm so lonely all the time. And I was so overwhelmed with just the noise and the chaos of two kids who were 8 and under. And I've tried breathing, I've tried meditating. I work out every day. It's. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm kind of at a loss.

[John Deloney]

Those are band Aids over bullet holes, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So tell me about this lonely. When did dad leave?

[Caller/Guest]

My dad died three years ago. But he was pretty bad with alcohol as a kid, and I went through a lot of stuff with him, and I didn't really get an apology or anything like that. And he was a good guy outside of that, but it really affected me. And my family doesn't allow me to speak that they're like, no, he's a good guy. Like, just brush over it. And. Yeah, I don't know.

[John Deloney]

What about your kid's father?

[Caller/Guest]

That was a really bad situation.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Caller/Guest]

After my dad died, he got worse. He didn't hit me, but he did other things. And it got to the point where I was sleeping with my pistol next to my bed and a knife under my pillow because I didn't know what was going to happen.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

And all anybody could tell me was, you have to keep it together for the kids. You have to make it work. You have to figure it out. And then when I did decide I was going to leave, it was pretty much on me to figure out where I was going, what I was doing, how I was gonna do it.

[John Deloney]

Where's Mom?

[Caller/Guest]

She's around, but not really.

[John Deloney]

She's a theater director, right? She. She manages the image like a dictator. Yeah. She manages the. The. All. The appearance of everything.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

All right, so I want. Go ahead.

[Caller/Guest]

Instead of being, like, the helpful person I need, she's always criticizing, like, even now it's just criticism. You could be doing this, you could be doing that.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Do you have any girlfriends? You have any friends?

[Caller/Guest]

I have one pretty good friend. She knows a lot about what's going on in my life. And I try not to stress her out because she's got a lot going on in her life, too. But sometimes we'll get together and just swap stories. And.

[John Deloney]

So there's only one way forward for you, and it's not going to be pleasant. Okay. And here's why it's not going to be pleasant. Because you've been burned at every single stage of your life.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. It's really hard for me to trust people.

[John Deloney]

I know. You've been lonely your whole life. And lonely is not just this existential thing you think about. Loneliness is in your. In your nervous system. Your body has known it's on its own for your entire life. And how that plays out is you have a friend who would probably love more than anything in the world, especially as she's going through her challenges to have a purpose and to be able to give somebody else some peace. And you won't even let her do that because you think you're a burden.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so when I tell you, what comes next for you is going to be really uncomfortable. It's going to be because you have to say out loud to other people, I need help, and I want you to come over and have nachos with me.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

And I know that sentiment has got you hurt in the past, and I don't want you to have any relationship with anybody. Who told you to stay with a man? That you had to have weapons on you so you could sleep at night? Those people have opted out of your life. They're insane. Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

For whoever these people were, they preferred to keep their picture stable over your. You being safe. There's a period at the end of that sentence. Okay, but loneliness can't be fair.

[Caller/Guest]

I didn't explain, like, the severity of everything because I wasn't really allowed to. It was. It's your marriage between you and him. Figure it out.

[John Deloney]

I know. I know.

[Caller/Guest]

That's part of the other problem.

[John Deloney]

I know. And you also grew up in a home where if you actually spoke your needs out loud, it cost you something, right?

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, it cost me a lot. All the time.

[John Deloney]

That's right. So loneliness is healed. Not by being surrounded by people. I have been dreadfully lonely in a crowded room before.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I've been lonely surrounded by my kids before. You're not crazy. Okay, Kaylee, you're a good mom.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay, thank you.

[John Deloney]

And by the way, their job isn't to prop you up. They can't be your whole world. You know why they can't carry that? It's too heavy. They're kids.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And I try to not put it on them.

[John Deloney]

I know you do. I know, I know. But you can't try to not put it on them. You have to intentionally take it off. Meaning. Okay, the greatest thing you can do for your kids is have Monday nights where your friend comes over and you all bring whatever crap's left in your fridge and you all eat it together. And the kids know moms haven't grown up time. Y' all are on your own. Go play. That is a great gift to your kids because they get to exhale because they're not responsible for mom's joy and happiness. Another adult's picking that up.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And then they feel your shoulders drop, and finally it gives them permission to drop their shoulders. And that's how family trees are changed.

[Caller/Guest]

And that's what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to change everything.

[John Deloney]

I know, but you're trying to change everything at this big, huge. You're trying to. To. You're trying to change your family tree at the fruit and leaf level. I want you to change it at the roots, and it's way less complicated. It's nutrients and water.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Do you go to church?

[Caller/Guest]

That's another shaky subject for me.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

Part of how it was done, like how everything was handled was because of the religion. So I have a love hate thing for it.

[John Deloney]

Have. Have a love hate with that particular group of people.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Go find another box where you can go. And people will wrap their arms around you because that exists too. It's both. And. Okay, there's some very sick, sick churches and there's some pretty extraordinary churches. Both are true. Same as there's good doctors. Same as I've learned the hard way. There's good tattoo artists and really bad tattoo artists. Right.

[Caller/Guest]

I've learned that too.

[John Deloney]

There you go. It's both hand.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

But that's a good way to have a built in group of people. And if you go back to the Bible, it's. They're supposed to be hospitals. They're not supposed to be beauty contests.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

But I want you to have your friend and I want you to say, hey, for the next six months, we're going to meet. You're coming over every week or I'm coming over your house every week. And it's not to commiserate. It's just to be with. That's it.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And it's going to feel like you're, quote, unquote, not doing anything, but you're letting your nervous system rest for the first time in 30 years.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And I'm always in fight or flight. I know. My siblings think it's hilarious and they mess with me all the time. And it's to the point where like I will literally knock someone out if it has anything to do with my kids. And they think it's so funny. They tell me, calm down, just relax. I'm like, you don't understand the depth of this. I will do insane things for my kids. It's not funny. It's not a joke. And I try to explain it, but they just, they don't get it.

[John Deloney]

Well, make a choice to not do insane things too.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Because that's exhausting.

[Caller/Guest]

It is exhausting.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. So here's your homework assignment.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

I want you to invite your friend over, but you have to leave out something intentionally. Like a, like a basket of laundry, some dishes in the sink. You can't turn friendship into a performance. You've been performing for loved ones your whole life. That's over. Because your body knows it's not connection. Your body knows it's a show, it's a job interview. We're done with that. And I want you to tell your friend to bring over whatever ever half drunk bottle of wine or 2 liter bottle of Sprite or whatever meal they've got left over and bring it over. We're going to cook it up, we're just going to hang. And then when she comes over, I want you to say, I need this every week. And by the way, I have text messages in my phone from really successful men that say, I need this every Friday for breakfast, every Saturday morning for whatever. And I say I'm in because I needed to.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Okay. But you have to do that here. Here's the. The key to solving loneliness. Looking at another person or a group of people and saying, this is all of me. Do you still love me?

[Caller/Guest]

That's really scary.

[John Deloney]

I know it is because it's got you burned in the past.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

That's the answer. Are you in?

[Caller/Guest]

I'm in.

[John Deloney]

Okay. The greatest gift you can give your kids is an emotionally regulated. Well mom.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And that means you're gonna not go to every single thing all the time. And that means you're going to have your every Monday night thing. And they may not get to go to a like A play date or a friend thing or a school thing, because this is my Monday night thing. And they're going to go, are you kidding me, Mom? You're the worst. You always do this. Every Monday. And you're going to go? Yep, because it's important to me. And what you're going to give them over the course of their rest of their childhood. And you got a decade with the older one left. That's a long time.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

What you're going to give them is an innate understanding that the world doesn't revolve around them. That they weren't responsible for Mom's happiness and thus responsible for her sadness. They didn't have the burden of having to choose. What do you guys want to eat for dinner tonight? They didn't have to choose, what, what do you want to do tonight? And they get to exhale because that's so much for a kid to carry.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Is that fair?

[Caller/Guest]

That's fair.

[John Deloney]

You're worth having friends, Kaylee.

[Caller/Guest]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

And those little kids are worth their mama having some great, great girlfriends.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. I'm trying to earn that with them.

[John Deloney]

No, you don't need to earn it. You're their mom. You get.

[Caller/Guest]

You just get it, okay?

[John Deloney]

Stop trying to earn the closest people's love. You've been trying to earn it your whole life, and you found out from your dad you can never get it.

[Caller/Guest]

No.

[John Deloney]

If you got to earn it from mom and dad, you're never going to get it. They're going to move the finish line on you every time. Then. Then they're going to die.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah. And I don't want to do that to them.

[John Deloney]

There you go. I ain't earning nothing from you. I'm your mom. I love you and you love me.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller/Guest]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Go make friends. Go first. Go be awkward. Invite people over and they're going to say no. And you're going to have that whole shame cycle. Spin up again, exhale. And then get on the phone and call somebody else, text somebody else, be weird. Go first, have them over.

[Caller/Guest]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller/Guest]

I'll do that at my college classes. I'll try to find some older kids that go to school, hang out.

[John Deloney]

My mom used to. My mom went back to school. She had started hanging out with younger kids. It was hilarious.

[Caller/Guest]

It's so awkward.

[John Deloney]

It's so awkward. But you know what they really need? They need the wisdom and experience not of tick tock, but of a woman who's been to hell and back.

[Caller/Guest]

Yeah, that's true.

[John Deloney]

Together, y' all can exhale a little bit together, be awesome. Yes, it's awkward, yes, it's weird, and yes, it's as necessary as breathing. You gotta have other people. Thank you so much for the call. Thanks for making a choice, like to take one tiny little step in the direction of healing and being well. It's amazing. Pretty cool. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help, right? Everyone is talking about therapy these days and I often hear folks tell me privately, I don't think I've had any major traumas in my life. This is super important. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for that, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past and to help me navigate the day to day challenges that pop up as a husband, as a dad, as a community member. And honestly, many of you should try therapy too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Listen, talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, welcome back. Kelly. I caught you putting on your lipstick before the camera came on. You look great. Beautiful. What's up? We have a cool.

[Caller/Guest]

Crap.

[John Deloney]

That happened. What happened? All right. This is from Stephanie.

[Caller/Guest]

She said I wanted to send you.

[John Deloney]

A quick note of thanks. You said something on one of your shows that opened up a conversation between my partner and I that changed everything. How do I want my home to feel when I come home? Oh, yeah, that's a beautiful. It inspired a conversation between he and I where I was really honest, emotional, and it was kind of profound. It lifted a weight off my shoulders that I now realize I had been carrying for a very, very long time. Thank you. I'm very grateful for that insight. Very cool. And I'm grateful that she had the courage to sit down and have that conversation. That's a scary one. That's a scary one. Good on her. Kelly, what do you want this show work environment to feel like we don't have time. What do you mean? All right, that's enough of you. Hey, thanks, everybody, for. Thank you for joining us for another episode. I wish you guys the best. Be kind to each other. Be kind. You're worth being loved. See ya.