My Husband Secretly Racked Up $180,000 of Debt

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Husband Secretly Racked Up $180,000 of Debt"

Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host: Ramsey Network
Release Date: June 13, 2025

Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John Deloney addresses a concerning and emotionally charged situation brought forward by a caller named Reese. The episode delves deep into the complexities of discovering a spouse's secretive financial mismanagement, exploring the ramifications on the relationship and providing actionable advice for navigating such challenges.

Reese's Predicament

Caller: Reese from Denver, Colorado
Timestamp: [00:05] – [02:51]

Reese reaches out to the show in distress after uncovering that her husband of 26 years has amassed a staggering $180,000 in hidden debt. She explains that her husband engaged in day trading, which she equates to gambling, leading to significant financial strain for their household. Reese is overwhelmed, feeling responsible due to her stable job and academic background, while her husband's risky financial behavior threatens their financial future.

Notable Quote:
Reese expresses her turmoil:
"I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt, and I am beside myself. I don't even know what to do."
[00:59]

Dr. John's Immediate Response

Timestamp: [02:51] – [05:26]

Dr. John Deloney empathizes with Reese's situation, likening their financial state to a house on fire while she's distracted by less critical matters. He emphasizes the urgency of the situation and the importance of full transparency from her husband.

Notable Quote:
Dr. John advises Reese to assess the depth of their financial troubles:
"You pull all three credit reports...You have a big financial mess that y'all are gonna have to clean up together. But before we start doing that, we have to create some sort of temporary concrete pad that you can anchor into."
[06:27]

Establishing Transparency and Rebuilding Trust

Timestamp: [05:30] – [14:16]

Dr. John outlines a strategic approach for Reese to regain control and ensure mutual accountability in their financial dealings. He recommends that Reese pull all credit reports to understand the full extent of the debt and encourages an open dialogue where both partners lay all financial cards on the table. This step is crucial for re-establishing trust and beginning the process of financial recovery together.

He further advises Reese to engage in mutual budgeting and to set realistic financial goals, emphasizing that their marriage must function as a unified team rather than parallel lives. Dr. John introduces resources like Financial Peace University and the EveryDollar Premium app to aid in their financial planning and accountability.

Notable Quote:
Dr. John highlights the importance of starting anew:
"You both in this together. And yes, you could do it. How do I know? I have done it several times."
[13:58]

Emotional and Relational Insights

Timestamp: [14:16] – [29:50]

Dr. John delves into the emotional impact of financial betrayal, acknowledging the grief, anger, and potential rifts it can cause in a long-term relationship. He stresses the importance of both partners committing to rebuilding their marriage from the ground up, prioritizing their relationship over past grievances.

Reese reflects on the advice, expressing initial surprise at Dr. John's forthrightness but recognizing its necessity. Dr. John reinforces the idea that addressing financial issues is intertwined with salvaging the marital bond, urging Reese to foster open communication and mutual support.

Conclusion and Final Advice

Timestamp: [29:50] – [53:59]

As the conversation wraps up, Dr. John reiterates the significance of Reese taking proactive steps to secure their financial and emotional well-being. He encourages continued dialogue, mutual responsibility, and the utilization of available resources to navigate the crisis. Dr. John assures Reese of his support, emphasizing that relationships can survive financial turmoil when both parties are committed to working through challenges together.

Notable Quote:
Dr. John offers final encouragement:
"I believe in you. Does that make any of what he did right? No. But it gives me a context as to where he may have been trying to salvage his own dignity and respect for himself and try to win yours over."
[14:38]

Key Takeaways

• Transparency is Crucial: Full disclosure of financial matters is essential in rebuilding trust.
• Team Approach: Both partners must approach financial recovery as a unified team.
• Utilize Resources: Tools like budgeting apps and financial education programs can provide structure and accountability.
• Emotional Support: Addressing financial issues inherently involves navigating complex emotions and reaffirming the marital bond.
• Proactive Communication: Open and honest dialogue is vital in overcoming financial and relational challenges.

Final Thoughts

This episode provides a profound exploration of the intertwined nature of financial stability and marital health. Dr. John Deloney offers pragmatic advice grounded in empathy and professional expertise, guiding listeners through the turbulent waters of financial betrayal while emphasizing the possibility of reconciliation and renewed partnership.

For those facing similar challenges, this episode serves as a beacon of hope and a roadmap for healing both financially and emotionally.

Transcript

[Reese]

I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I, I, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second, because your house is literally burning to the ground, and you're on Wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch to live. What's up? What's up? This is John with the Dr. John Del show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your relationships, your marriage, your mental and emotional health, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. Let's go out to Denver, Colorado, and talk to Reese. What's up, Reese?

[Reese]

Hello.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up? How we doing?

[Reese]

I'm good.

[Nicole]

How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good. You sound like I, like, jumped out of a closet and scared you.

[Reese]

You kind of did.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, it's good. What's up? How are you?

[Reese]

Okay. I can't believe I'm talking to you. Like, I am thrilled that this is so amazing, but it said the reason why I'm here. I recently found out that my husband of 26 years has secretly racked up $180,000 in debt, and I am beside myself. I don't even know what to do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's he borrowed all that money on?

[Reese]

Well, he started day trading, which is, in my opinion, gambling.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, he's been putting it all on black 26. Yeah, 100. That's what that is. And so did he just keep digging a deeper and deeper hole and thought he could get out of it, not tell you, and then all of a.

[Reese]

Sudden, yeah, and all of a sudden, I looked.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, you looked. So he didn't come to you and say, I'm over my head?

[Reese]

No, never. And that's where I'm struggling. And I found out in four different increments, and I just don't even so.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, you found out, and then he said, yeah, you're right. I owe 25,000. And then you found another 50,000. Then you found another. Oh, man. Okay, so how do you know this is all day trading?

[Reese]

Because I know he's been doing that. But the sad thing, that's. That's how much debt he costs. But he drained our bank account, so it's way, way, way more than that. But I don't even know how to get out of that much. I personally don't. And I have a job. I have a master's degree. I'm making spreadsheets on how fast we can pay off our house, watching my retirement. And meanwhile, he's on the opposite train, going down some ditch on fire.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, I, I, I would close my laptop if I were you for a second, okay. Because your. Your house is literally burning to the ground, and you're on Wayfair trying to figure out how to get a couch delivered.

[Reese]

Mm. He has stopped day trading.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You don't know that. You don't know that. And here's why, Really? A hundred percent. Because he has not come and said, here's everything.

[Reese]

Yes, I agree.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And until he said, here is everything. And by the way, I want to see the receipts, okay? Because I know people getting themselves in trouble with day trading. I know that legalized online gambling is just destroying especially young men, but men and their financial. Their financial present, their financial futures. It's catastrophic. And I agree. I also know that not all the time. I have a close personal friend that ran up a bunch of credit cards and just kind of got. Got spinning. Got spinning. But, man, the vast majority of the time, there's other things going on. There's somebody else. There's addictions that people don't want to talk about. There's other things. And it's easiest to say, well, it was me putting money on the Celtics game, or it was me day trading, man. Until there is a full. Until he takes a knee in front of his wife of a quarter century and says, I've wronged our family. I've wronged you. I've wronged me. I've wronged my commitment to you. Here's everything until that moment. You can't start making judgments. And don't start buying couches for a house that's on fire.

[Reese]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know what I mean?

[Reese]

Yeah. He has. He has. And he's not a crier. And, like, I. I'm not trying to defend him.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Defend him away. That's okay. I, I come off pretty harsh. So defend away. Some people on the show need me. Need to be defended from me. Because, um. Anyway, yeah. Feel free to.

[Reese]

Well, and I. That's why I contacted you, because I trust your opinion. I value your intellect. I. He has done what I've asked as far as Stop it now. And he does show me his computer. He has got to the point where he tells me if he crosses the street to go get the mail, and I didn't ask for that. Also, I don't want to be his babysitter. I have a job and kids, and so he's trying to be as open and honest as he can. However, I just don't know if it's enough.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's where we start So I actually will honor him for that.

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And this is one of those problems. I. It's that I label it this way. It's not by your hand, but it's in your lap. Your neighbor's pool busted, but your house is flooding, so you didn't want to deal with this. You got a job, you got your own kids, I got your own life. It doesn't matter. Your house is full of water.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so we'll deal the water. We'll deal with our family, we'll deal with this mess, and then we'll go knock on the next door neighbor's house and figure out how we're gonna get literally upstream of this deal. But, yes, you have a job. Yes. But, dude, you've got a broken man inside your house. And if that's where he is, good for him. But here's where. Here's where it's going to start today. Y' all run. You pull all three credit reports, okay? And here's what we're. Here's what we're doing for you. This is less an inquiry on him, even though it is. This is more for you to realize how deep the water you're treading water in.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what you're trying to do is re. Establish safety. Do I have the bottom of this thing yet?

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Reese]

I like that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I want to know how much freaking money we owe, period.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And he has established that he can't be trusted yet.

[Reese]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The next conversation is, I need to know about every girlfriend. I need to know about every hotel. I need to know about every everything. And if he says none. Zero. Great. And you believe him? I trust you. You know him.

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Here's what we're looking to do. You have a big financial mess that y' all are gonna have to clean up together. Okay? But before we start doing that, we have to create some sort of temporary concrete pad that you can anchor into.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And right now, you are a balloon that the string has been clipped. And you're trying to. You're right. You're trying to tether into something because everything, you know, this reality is. Is now unanchored.

[Reese]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And once we establish that, then we can start saying, okay, budget wise, how are we going to do this? And you have to make peace your financial dreams as you knew them. The house you were going to buy, the lake house, the new Tahoe you were going to get. All that is out the window right now.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And there's going to be a level of grief there's gonna be a level of just abject rage, anger, all. All of it. And again, this is not me coming from a position of, like, I'm better than anybody. I got my own stuff, but I don't buy, like, a hunting jacket without letting my wife. Now, gosh, you know what I mean? I wish, like, I, I, I just. So I, I don't. I can't wrap my head around getting 180 in the hole on something. But I also know I'm not perfect. And so I'm not here to throw rocks at him. But I'm hoping because of you, I am choosing to believe that he was trying to do what's best for his family. He thought he had an in, and a buddy told him a thing, and then he tried a thing, and then all of a sudden, he found himself under an avalanche.

[Reese]

Wow. Nailed it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's my hope. That's the best case scenario.

[Reese]

Yep.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But let's say you're 200 in the hole. What do you make in your job?

[Reese]

Well, I just got another one, so I don't know. The. The truth is, I do have access to enough to cover it. However, I'm not interested in them. Out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, but here's the problem. This is Yalls debt, and this is Yalls inheritance.

[Reese]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And, well, it's mine only.

[Reese]

Does that matter?

[Dr. John Deloney]

If you're married to somebody for 25 years, it's yalls.

[Reese]

Oh, I know. But he did this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, I know. And I'm not saying you run in there and bail it out right now.

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But what I'm saying is, if for the past 10 years, you've been talking about your inheritance, maybe this rift started with you, you get what I'm saying? And maybe when you're saying I get $5 million when so and so passes away or whatever, then he's thinking, well, I got to keep up with her then, so she'll still love that doesn't excuse him. I'm just saying, when you are underwater, you both bail. And when all of your fruit trees come in, you'll all eat those apples that hits. And so if y' all are running parallel lives, you don't get to see sit from your throne where, oh, no, no, I got an inheritance. But you. You terrible. This is a y' all problem and a y' all win.

[Reese]

You're right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I don't believe you go write a check and solve all this. I think that's not because again, I agree. But I do think y' all have to sit at a table and maybe you come to the table and say, I can't believe I did this, but for 20 years, I've talked about my stuff and your stuff, and this is our problem, and this is our victory. But I'm not going to cash anything out until we have come to terms with how we are going to be married together, how we are going to work through this problem together, and maybe we are going to clear a hundred thousand dollars of this debt together by working three jobs each and by the kids thinking we're about to put them on Facebook, Marketplace, too. Like, we're gonna sell everything. We're gonna. All the stuff. And then we will sit down and come up with a plan once we have established that we are in this together.

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does that ring true?

[Reese]

Very. I just didn't expect to be chastised, but I probably needed it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, does it make sense?

[Reese]

Yes. And how did you know this?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I just do this for a living.

[Reese]

That's wild. I do have a tendency to, I think, because I. I really do feel like would be totally fine on my own, and I probably function that way my entire marriage.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so I would come before him and say, I'm so sorry, because for 20 years, he's been trying to prove to you, no, no, no, let's do this together. And I'm making something up on his behalf. Right? He may be a total jerk, and you may have had to do this because you knew he wasn't reliable and he was unstable and he would gamble half your life savings away. Who knows? But what I do know is marriages don't survive when they are. People are roommates, man. Marriages don't survive big drops in income or big windfalls when they. When people aren't united.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Because this affects your. This is not just a money problem. This affects where y' all eat. This affects how y' all date. This affects your life after your kids go to bed and he's on his iPad and you're on your phone. Like, this affects every bit of your life. This affects your sex life, affects everything.

[Reese]

Everything.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if this is the moment when you want to call it, then. Then do that. I don't. I don't recommend that at all.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

But if. If you've been divorced for 20 years, y' all just been roommating together, then put that on the table. But he's got a lot to apologize for and be sorry for. But if you've been acting like his mom for 20 years, saying, this is mine, and I'll pat you on the head, you Said I don't want another kid. But you kind of had one for a long time, right?

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Ugh. Right? Ugh.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Ugh.

[Reese]

Yeah, it's true.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So maybe as a part of the. I want to see how bad this hole is. I want to see how like we're going to put all of the credit reports on the table. I'm going to bring all of my windfalls to the table too.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And here's the plan we are going to make together. And instead of saying, I'm not giving any of this money to bail us out of this mess you made, it is. I want us to prove to ourselves that we're both in to building this new marriage.

[Reese]

Is it salvageable?

[Dr. John Deloney]

100%. But it takes both of you clearing the deck with both arms saying, we are starting from scratch. Here's a brand new marriage.

[Reese]

Okay? I have seen glimpses of that. Well, more than glimpses. This is the worst thing that happened to me. However, this may be the first time we've ever communicated. It's just a really high price to pay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, yeah. And here's the thing. You will all anybody listening to this. And you included, me included. There's always a price to pay. You want to pay it monthly with a pain in the butt like monthly budget meeting or do you want to pay it every 20 or so years and you find out our marriage may not make it? So here, I'm gonna hook you. I'm gonna hook you up with something, okay? I'm gonna give you, okay. Financial Peace University, all nine lessons. It's a digital thing. I want you all to watch it together.

[Reese]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you think it's about money. It is 5%. But it's really about two people coming together and saying, okay, what do we value? And adults delay gratification and pleasure because they follow a plan to get them where they want to go. Children eat as many of the jelly beans as possible right away. Who cares about teeth rot? Who cares about diabetes? We just want it right now.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm also going to send you one year of the EveryDollar Premium app. And here's why that's important. You all make a budget together and then every time one of you buys something, it pops up on the other person's phone.

[Reese]

That's me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'll stay in it together. But you'll have to have one checking account.

[Reese]

Yep.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You'll have to deposit in and out. He has to go get a job where he gets a paycheck. He has no self esteem. He's he's been floundering for 20 plus years. He doesn't respect himself. You don't respect him. Pull all the credit reports and then you pull your financial statements. We're going to put everything on this. And I want you to say these words. I want to be your wife, not your mother. In fact, I want to be your girlfriend. I want to date you again. I want you to fall in love with me. I want to fall in love with you. And we're going to start from square one. What do I want in a romantic partner? What do I want in a financial. Like in a financial partner? What I want is a co parent. We are starting from scratch. And yes, you could do it. How do I know? I have done it several times. When my wife and I have said, the marriage we've had is over, I'll build a new one if you will. Okay. Takes both feet in the boat. Okay. I don't have these skills. We're going to learn them together. All right, here we go. So, yes, yes, yes. I believe in you. Does that make any of what he did? Right? No. Does that give me a context as to where he may have been trying to salvage and his own dignity and respect for himself and try to win yours over? Absolutely, yes. And some dude at work said, bro, I got an insider tip. And. And now we're down a rabbit hole. So today, my friend Reese, for your new marriage, day one. And I'll walk with you and I'll walk with him every step of the way. You'll call me anytime. Super, super proud of you guys. Coming up next, we're going to talk to a man who reveals his marriage is on the brink. All right, Staloney again to talk about my friends at Organifi. Every day I talk to people who feel overwhelmed. And I don't just mean emotionally. They're physically worn out. They're mentally burned out. They're anxious, not sleeping well. They just feel foggy and disconnected from everything. And most of them are trying to push through with a combination of coffee and willpower. Can we all just agree what you're doing probably isn't working? Redlining your body every minute of every day is burning you and your loved ones to the ground. And that's where Organifi comes in. Organifi makes organic superfood blends and gummies. I love the gummies that are designed to support your body, your mind, and even your emotions and not set everything on fire. You just mix organifi superfood blends with water and you're good to rock and roll. And for me that's green juice in the morning for focus, red juice in the morning and in the afternoon for clean energy without the crash. And I love my happy drops to boost my mood. And the she legit gummies help me feel like a laser beam. Look, most people don't have to overhaul their entire lives to start feeling better. You just have to listen to your body and make some small daily choices. And you can start with my friends at organifi go to organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20% off. That's 20 off everything with code [e-mail] DeLoney okay, truth time. I grew up playing sports and I grew up in weight rooms for most of my life. And a few years ago I realized that I took for granted how scared, insecure and even lost people can feel when they go into a gym or a gym class or a weight room for the first time. And now that I'm getting older, when I find myself in a traditional gym and not in my home gym, even I find myself sizing up some beefcake muscle head and feeling a little insecure. Here's the truth. We all need to lift weights. Men, women, young and old. Everyone needs to lift heavy things and move their body. But knowing what to do, when to do it, and even how to do it can be super intimidating. So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades, or if you're ready to get started for the first time, I want you to check out my friends at trainwell. I've used their workouts. My wife uses them, my sister now uses them, Kelly uses them, our friends are using them. And everyone is becoming a Train well devotee. It's a movement. Train well offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To start, you take a short quiz and you get matched with a real live coach. Someone who actually listens. And together, y' all build a plan that works for your body, your seasons of life, and your goal. They have videos that give you step by step guidance and your trainer will check in with you after your workout. Now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at TrainWell. TrainWell has a special offer just for my audience. 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now, that's T R A I N trainwell.net DeLoney go check them out. All right. Let's go out to Des Moines. Des Moines, Iowa. And talk to William. Hey, William. What's up, brother?

[William]

Nothing. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm doing all right, man.

[William]

Good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's going on? Your world.

[William]

Oh, well, thanks for listening to me. I appreciate it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You got it, man.

[William]

No, Been married for, I don't know, 2003, so 22 years. It'll be 22 years come September. But it's been big challenge for a solid 10 years, and I've kind of just had enough.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's been the challenge for a decade?

[William]

Well, the first decade was it was all work. We only have one child. That's all we could have. We were blessed on that. Got lucky there. And then my job, I worked a lot hours. She worked a lot of hours, and everything was fine. Everything. You know, we did our thing, doing your everyday life. I guess once I wasn't working all those hours, I slowly started realizing that, well, we don't know each other, so let's try and get to know each other. But in the process, during that, there's been a lot of, I'll say, hurt. That was kind of done. I don't know how to put it. And starting back 10 years ago with my mom, so she had cancer, and they only lived a few blocks away from us. So I'd get out of work, stop by, how are you? Make sure they're good because they're elderly. But then I'd come home, make dinner, make sure that they're good, and then do it every day. Well, I'd say four days a week, I'd stop by and make sure.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Mom.

[William]

And dad are doing all right. And one thing that hurt was the first. When it very first started, and I didn't think nothing of it, was my wife told me, well, it's either you come home or we're gonna be done. And I go, well, hold on. I said, my mom's got cancer. Dad can't lift anything. I'm trying to help them and make sure that you guys are taken care of, too. That's, you know, we talked about this, and it was good. Now, after I. Now, a few years later, I brought that back up and said, hey, I built resentment with this, and this is that really hurt. And she said, well, I apologize to you. And I said, I don't know if you did or didn't. I don't remember, but it still hurts me. And she Says, I'm sorry. I said, okay. And I let that go. I said, all right, well, that's where I'm at. But then we started having conversations in general because every day I go, it sounds weird. We don't go grocery shopping once a week because it's on my way home. I have a short commute. I'll stop by. Instead of me freezing meats and things like that, I'll stop and maybe we're getting hamburgers or whatever, and I'll pick up dinner that night. And then I end up cooking it and then I clean it up. And then I'll ask her like, hey, I know you don't cook, but could you help me two days a week? Because she works from home two days or she works at the office two days a week and she works at home the rest of the time. And she's like, yeah, sure, no problem. Okay, cool. No, on the days that she says she's going to help out, just pick that up twice a week. She maybe orders a pizza or goes out to eat whatever, which is fine, but not all the time. And so that still leaves me with cleaning up and doing the chores and things of that nature. And she just doesn't engage. Now we've had this conversation multiple, multiple, multiple times and I've. It just never changes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, but, but I don't think I. Let me jump in here.

[William]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't.

[William]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The way you framed it to me just now makes it about dinner, but has nothing to do with dinner.

[William]

I agree.

[Dr. John Deloney]

This has to do with.

[William]

Put my head on it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It has to do with you want her like you're keeping score, time spent, dishes washed, dollars made, commute miles driven. What you're asking her is, will you be all in in this marriage? And the way it comes out, your request is very veiled, very. They very even listen to your story. It's kind of hard to follow because it's like you have, you have a narrative in your head and then you're all, you're like a river. And then you. Somebody hops in the river for a little piece of the conversation, then they're out again. And what she takes away from that, I'm guessing, is can you, can you take care of dinner twice a week? And she's like, yeah, I'll do that. But that's not what you're asking. What you're asking is, hey, I run. I feel like I have two full time jobs. I have a full time job that I go to. I have full time job Taking care of my dying parents. I have full time job. You got six full time jobs. Two full, like full time job. Doing all the domestic stuff. And I just get home and I see you've been working from home. You sit here and you're unplugged from our life. That's a different question that. Can you do dinner twice a week?

[William]

Correct. And I use the dinner as an example.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure. I know, I know, I know. So the, the bigger question is this isn't about communication. As much as you don't like your wife, it doesn't sound like she likes you. That to me is the deeper issue here. Y' all aren't friends. Y' all are like co workers. And you're like, hey, dude, can you at least like clean the fryers once a week? I do the fryers on the other. Like you get what I'm saying? Y' all trying to just shut down a restaurant every night. Y' all aren't like in it together.

[William]

It's very the. You were hitting that on the head.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So my bigger, like, my question for you is like, like, man, this is one of those. This is one of those marriage questions that sounds really simple when you call it in, but it on it, it peels back like, like you say 20 years. Because unless somebody's just outside the bell curve with some sort of pathology, right? Like a true mental health disorder, or they're just a grade A ass. Outside of that, somebody doesn't ask their husband who's swinging by for 30 minutes on the way home from work to check on his dying mother to get your butt home. Unless there's another contacts there.

[William]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Which is my husband wants any excuse to not be present here and in. And I'm wondering if 10 years ago she didn't have the words, the language, or the emotional maturity to say, I miss you. I feel like you're avoiding me. Is there something about me you don't like? The story I'm choosing to make up is you'd rather be anywhere but next to me on this couch. And that comes out as either you come home or we're done. Do you know what I'm saying? Like in and for you, it's. It's a similar. Like, instead of saying, hey, I. I want a wife, I want a lover, I want someone to play with. I want to come home and be happy that I'm here. I want to walk in the door and see somebody who's been working from home happy to see me. My dog runs to the door to greet me. And you're like, ugh. But that comes out as, hey, can you. Can you do dinner twice a week? And so maybe the next move, dude, is to say, hey, I love you. And I feel like all these other people want to hang out with me like you do. And I'm not doing a good job of communicating to you how much I want to hang out with you. And I haven't found a way to invite you out of this house to come spend some time with me. Dancing, going to movies, going to concerts, going to comedy shows, whatever. Would you go talk to a marriage counselor with me so that I can learn some better tools?

[William]

Actually, we had that conversation as well.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, how'd that go?

[William]

And after. Well, our conversation, she goes, well. And I said, okay, well, maybe we should schedule. When do we want to start? She goes, I don't think we need to do that. We just had our talk, Michael. That's not how it works.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but you have to say, I need to. Would you love me enough to come help me? Not, we need to. And when can you do it? And when can we. I need to do this.

[William]

I'm going to counseling for myself now, but she doesn't want any part of it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay? At the end of the day, brother, you've got to live in that. And that will be probably the most painful experience of your life. And unfortunately, I don't have a quick 10 minute quippy like, just do this, this, and this. For a lack of better analogy, this is just yet another cancer in your life that's going to take some professional help. And two people deciding, we want to fight this and we want to go to war against this together. Us two versus the world. And you just can't do that by yourself. And I don't have a. What do I do now? Do I leave her? Do I. Those are all decisions way down the road between you and a therapist. But I guess if I can do anything for you now, William, is to let you know you're not crazy. The place I would probably start, if I were you, is making sure I am working on myself as much as I possibly can. Am I a guy that's fun to hang out with, or am I a guy who always tries to lecture and fix everybody? Do I always want to talk about work and TPS reports, or am I a guy who brings fun to the table or whatever? I'm gonna do this for you. This is a Hail Mary. I'm gonna send you all three questions for humans. Couples, deck. Don't even leave the house. Just ask. While y' all are at home, can we turn the screens off and just do five of these questions a night? And here's what it might do. It might spark just a tiny little flame in. I like this guy. I remember the fun we used to have. I like to have more of this kind of fun. And by the way, I take questions in the car with me. I took some to dinner the other night with me and my wife, and I learned some more things about her I didn't know after almost 30 years of dating and whatever and being married. And so I'll send you all those. It may do nothing, but here's what we're trying to do. Trying to get to the bottom of you have somebody in your home who's just. The light's gone out. And by the way, this may have nothing to do with you. She may be struggling with depression in a pretty significant way. She may be struggling with hormones. She. Who knows what she's working through on her end? But this doesn't sound like it just popped up. Sound like it's been this way for a long, long, long time. And. But you're not crazy. I don't think you're crazy. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I wish she'd go with you, but start there, brother. Start there. Thanks for the call, William. Next up, a woman struggles to be intimate with her husband. Because of how caustic their political differences are, I've gotten to be. All right, listen. There's no finish line when it comes to your mental and emotional health. You don't just wake up one day and run out in the yard and announce to the world, all right, I'm totally well. Your mental and emotional health requires ongoing daily work. And for me, a big part of that daily work is staying spiritually grounded. And that's why I use Hallow every single day. It's the number one prayer app in the world, and it helps me stay centered when life gets gets loud. Hallow is an incredible tool that helps me stay connected to my spiritual life. It helps me slow down and be intentional, and it helps remind me to be grateful. Hallow has guided meditations, music, and scripture readings. Hallow helps me quiet the noise and be still on purpose. If you've recently started building some spiritual habits or you're exploring what all this spirituality and God and Jesus stuff even means, you try my friends at Hallow today. These five minute moments matter. They add up to something real. Carve out the space, make the time, set the reminder and if you haven't tried Hallow yet, now's the time. Go to hallow.com DeLoney and get three months completely free. That's three months completely free at hallow.com DeLoney. All right, let's go out to H town and talk to Nicole. What's up, Nicole?

[Nicole]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you doing today?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm doing outstanding. What's up with you?

[Nicole]

All right, so my question today is how do I navigate such different political views in these wild times that we're living in with my husband?

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't know what you're talking about. Wild political times. Tell me more. Just kidding.

[Nicole]

Yeah, no, so I guess kind of just some context. We are very newly married, but we've been together for a long time. Prior to that, we have definitely spoken about politics. It's not like we didn't touch about this or talk about it prior to marriage or anything like that. And neither of us really, prior to any of this, hated the other side. You know what I mean? It was all very cohesive. And so I guess the problem is we're not fighting with each other. It's more. So we're both very passionate about how we speak, and we're just both very fiery people. So we'll get talking about these things because, I mean, something new happens every day. You know what I mean?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes, I do.

[Nicole]

It's almost like you can't really not discuss it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, you for sure can't. But go ahead. Go ahead.

[Nicole]

Yeah, right. It's. And then it's kind of like we both are, like, we just get heated on this. On top of each other, on top of each other, on top of each other, kind of speaking over. Because we're just so, I guess, into it on our own sides that we're trying to figure out, like, what's the best way to discuss this, where we're not kind of seeing the other person as like, what are you even thinking about?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can I ask you a harder question?

[Nicole]

Yes, you can.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What is dumping all of this passion and. And. And feeling and aliveness into other people who are just literally designed to fire you up instead of each other? What is that getting you?

[Nicole]

Truly nothing. And I'm very aware of that. And that's where I think for me, I the want to call in and ask about this was, is that I know that for me, I grew up, I was always kind of like that little social warrior. Like, social justice was like my thing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure.

[Nicole]

And so that's just how I've always been. So. And When I'm talking about these things, I feel like I'm coming off as just like. Like, disappointed in him or these things when that's not what it is at all.

[Reese]

He's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, hold on.

[Nicole]

The best man.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can we. Can I. Can I just follow you down this rabbit hole?

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What do you do for a living?

[Nicole]

I'm in sales.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. What do you do as a. How do you support the least of these in your community? What do you give to. What do you volunteer for? What do you do with your time?

[Nicole]

So volunteer wise? I don't necessarily. I have two jobs at the moment. Don't really have a whole lot of time, but previously. So my parents were in the nonprofit world. They helped direct a nonprofit back home. So I think that's where.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's back out of them for a second. Let's back out of them for a second. Let's just talk about you.

[Reese]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So. And this is. Somebody did this exact thing to me, and that's why I'm just. I'm replaying a conversation that somebody had directly with me, and I'm doing it to you. And it should feel uncomfortable because I remember feeling uncomfortable. But it was very instructive for me as a person who's committed to, quote, unquote, social justice. And I'm. I'll come after him in a second. Okay. Is the commitment to social justice an avenue where you have been able to feel better than other people and. Or win arguments in the past, or is it a commitment that you wake up every day trying to figure out, how can I feed hungry people? How can I make sure people who are not. Who are society has kicked to the margins? How do I make sure they're welcome at my house? Because what I'm finding. And on the. On. On the other side, I'm assuming he's comically conservative.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And y' all just butt heads. Y' all argue and argue and argue.

[Nicole]

Yeah, I wouldn't necessarily say arguing, but very passionate conversations. And then we're not trying to fight with each other, but it just sounds like it because we're both just there.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you're saying underneath that. That the. It's gotten to a point where you don't respect him enough that you don't look and you don't even want to open your body to him. I don't want to be intimate with you. That's a level of disrespect, because I know people who are different ideologically, and it fires up the bedroom.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But this is a different Layer. Because I know people who are like, dude, one of my best oldest friends on the planet is insanely liberal and does. I mean, I'm sorry, insanely conservative. Like, comically conservative.

[Nicole]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And doesn't have a job. And it's like, bro, like the whole, like, you know what I mean?

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it makes for fun political back and forth and whatever. But you can rant and rave, or you can go get certified and go get yourself one of the 5 minutes million open manufacturing jobs currently existing United States right now.

[Nicole]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. Or you can talk about social justice and how ridiculous it is and scroll Instagram. Or once a week you can open up your home and everybody's invited to have dinner at your house because you're providing all the food.

[Nicole]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. You know, I'm like, so we could talk about what you're saying and scroll and whatever. But here's the bigger thing. I think this is all theater.

[Kelly]

For.

[Dr. John Deloney]

A husband and a wife who dated for a long, long time and thought they would just roll right into being married together. And all of a sudden we don't like each other or we don't have the same commitments or we don't have a. A purpose that it's us two versus the world on.

[Reese]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So I'm more interested in that.

[Nicole]

And that's, that's the thing is I don't ever. That's not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why don't you want to sleep with your husband? Let me ask that. Like, why don't you want to sleep with your husband?

[Nicole]

No, it's. When I say intimate, it's more like being like opening. Like I feel, because for lack of not trying to get into politics, like, I feel. I think it's more so coming as a woman, like agreeing with a party that is kind of going against women.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Nicole]

That's where I think the thing is.

[Reese]

It's.

[Nicole]

It's not. It's more like intimate outside of the bedroom as well, too.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so basically you're. So let's take the political off. You are looking at a man. You married a man. And you're starting to wonder, oh, you think you're better than me or you think I have a role? And it is X, Y and Z, which diminishes me as a person because again, let's take the politics off. Look across the house, the kitchen. Look across the living room at your husband, that guy.

[Nicole]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know what I'm saying?

[Nicole]

Yeah, no, I hear you. You can't see it through the lens of. It's, it's. You're you're identifying with the party. You have to see it as the person.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But there's something instructive there. He's saying things and representing things. That is making your body feel. I'm not safe in my house, and I know not. Not getting beat up, safe and all that, but in a. I don't feel like I can open up to you. I don't feel like I could tell you what I'm actually scared about. If we ever have a son or a daughter, I'm scared of the world they're going to grow up in.

[Nicole]

Yes. I think that's the true root of it is like, I. It's hard for me to express my, you know, concerns and sadness over a lot of the things that are happening just because I know he's not that type of man. But then again, you. You still are a part of that in the sense.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I get that. I get that. I get that. So I guess the bigger challenge is instead of saying y' all, you guys, you stupid conservatives, you dumb libs, I would much rather see you inside your house say, I'm terrified that I don't. I'm making up like that. If I had to go to a doctor about my medical care, I'd have to default to somebody in the House of Representatives of our state onto what kind of care I could get.

[Nicole]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That is a much different conversation than you guys. Or I have a friend at work and he wants to marry his boyfriend, and I can't fill in the blank. Or your husband being able to say, my granddad took me hunting, my dad took me hunting, and I don't have a son that I can take hunting. And they're trying to take hunting away from the western part of the United States. I think that's wrong. Do you see where anybody can come together on those moments? Or if you can't come together, you can at least sit across the table from each other. But when they start with y' all and you guys and you. Whenever you come at somebody like that, then, yeah, you rally around your team. And right now, politically, the teams are, who do you all hate together also.

[Nicole]

Very true.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's not. What kind of problems are we trying to solve? You get what I'm saying? So I.

[Nicole]

No. 100%.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is he a man? This is a question because I know these guys, too. Is he a man who, when his wife sits down and says, I'm hurting over a thing, I'm scared over a thing that he says, I don't care.

[Nicole]

No, not at all.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or if you said, hey, I'm really struggling with X. He would say, they're going to come through me first.

[Reese]

Yeah, he's.

[Nicole]

He's very protective. That's the thing. I think it's. I see this great man and I think I'm putting on, you know, blinders, and I just see this party as a whole thing, and that's on me. You know what I mean? It's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, I mean, there's everything. Both parties right now are giving it their best, right?

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Nicole]

Like, they're really trying.

[Reese]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So it is hard. Here's where I would love anybody wrestling here. I would love behind the rhetoric to, like, I don't know, like, hey, on Saturday mornings, I'm gonna start going to volunteer to soup kitchen. It would mean a whole lot to me if you'd come with me. Just gonna do three hours. And it's easy to talk about, quote, unquote, them. It's really hard to talk about your friend Bubba that you met at the soup kitchen every Saturday morning for three months. And then you see him come in that one day and his face is all scraped up and he tells you what happened the night before, man. Then you get a different picture.

[Reese]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or you can talk all about X and Y and Z. And it's really tough when my buddies in Colorado are like, I can't take my grandson hunting this year because they've limited xy. Like, it's hard, right? It's hard. Or it's hard when my friends in Michigan are like, yeah, we still don't have a job. And so it's. It's getting beneath that. Instead of talking about it, actually, who are we going to be in our house? And what I'm hearing you say, which is frustrating for me, and I know it's frustrating for you, is, oh, wait, we got two really great human beings in this house that are both wearing the wrong jersey. That really doesn't represent either of us. But because those colors are so bright, we're missing the great person that's actually right in front of us.

[Reese]

Yes, exactly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's so frustrating and annoying. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody. I hate that for all of us right now.

[Reese]

Yeah, it's a.

[Nicole]

It's a lot going on. But, you know, hey, we're gonna make it through. We always have.

[Dr. John Deloney]

This is what I love. I love that in, what, 10 minutes we can get beneath the veneer and talk to real people. Because here's what most people are trying to figure out right now. We can't Afford chicken. We can't afford eggs in our house. We have to cut out bacon. There is less stuff on the shelves. Oh, we go to politics and Bob. No, no, no, no. I'm. I'm tired. I'm out of hope, right? That's the stuff I'm hearing all over the country. I just, I was at a dinner last night with people who have net worth that I will never fathom in my life. The prevailing senses were out of hope. We're out of hope. We thought this, we thought this would solve everything. We thought this was going to fix everything. We thought, we thought, we thought, we thought we're out of hope. And the only way to re establish hope is to re establish humanity in good people. And that starts with husbands and wives saying, you vote this way, I vote that way. We'll duke that one out. But I'm not losing my sex life. I'm not losing my intimate life. I'm not losing my ride or die partner over what jersey we're wearing. Over. Let's do the hard work. Who are we gonna be in this house? As for us in our house? And usually that cuts through all the nonsense. Thanks for the call, Nicole. Your willingness to talk about this, it's going to impact a lot of folks. And by the way, if you don't agree with me on this, that you don't have to, that's fine. Or if you're sitting there seething, you don't understand, I would just challenge you. Take 30 days off the news and off social media and just see what happens in your life. And you should subscribe and like the show. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for the big stuff. But therapy can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. I've personally used therapy for working through major major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. If you're thinking about trying therapy, check out my friends at BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost, talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, am I the problem? Let it rip.

[Kelly]

All right, this is from Courtney in Glens Falls, New York. And she writes, glenn's Falls.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Like, multiple glens are multiple glens and multiple falls. They need to fix that sidewalk. That's lots of Glenn's falling over there in New York. All right, Glenn's Falls falls.

[Kelly]

And she writes, my husband and I have a great relationship and sex life for the most part. He's 35. I'm 32. Married, six together. Married six years together for 12. Four children, seven, nine, ten, and 13.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good Lord.

[Kelly]

We are the quote unquote goal couple. Everyone is always saying how sweet and loving we are. But my husband gives me the silent treatment every time I fall asleep after promising sex. He thinks that he has the right to be mad because I shouldn't promise and then not follow through. I've offered to him that he can wake me up, but he says if I cared enough, if I cared enough, I'd stay awake. It really affects my feelings toward him and towards sexual negatively. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why did you give me this one?

[Kelly]

I like to watch you squirm.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Just wake me up. I. Kelly, why this. The whole house is a problem here. Like, everyone needs to have a different conversation, which is because. Because here's the thing. She is hearing his advances as I need to get off. And I. And it's your job. And he's hearing, I would rather be asleep than be with you. And so just wake me up and I'll be half awake. I'll get you off, then I'll go back to sleep. Nobody wants either of those things. And what, do they have, 31 kids or something? They've been together six years. How many kids? Six. Four.

[Kelly]

Married for six years, together for 12, and they have four children.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Yeah. The. The bigger thing is backing all the way out and saying, what kind of life do we want to have? That's a bigger question. You don't. You're not buying it?

[Kelly]

No, I do. What I. If. If I was able.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes. It's not cool to say, dude, tonight me and you are gonna freaking party. And then to go.

[Kelly]

I'm actually coming to her defense on this one a little bit.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Because I would like to know, like, does this happen all the time? Then, yes, we have an issue.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

Or is this talking, like, every Three months, You know, because sometimes you're a different person at 2:30 in the afternoon than you are at 10:00 clock.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Correct? Yes.

[Kelly]

Because, you know, you've got four children. Stuff happens. There's a project that has to, you know, oh, you have a test tomorrow or a project due and blah, blah, blah. And it's 10 o' clock and all of a sudden you're exhausted.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But that's where. But that's where it's not, it's not a, it's not a team sport here. And so if, if you, if I send a flirty text at 9am, it's like, tonight we're partying and you write back all, yeah, hold on to your hats. And then by 2:00 clock, I can't keep my eyes open, then I need to be a grownup and say, dude, I sent you the most absurd, like, let's get it on text and I can't even breathe tonight. I'm so tired. Could we. That changes everything. Then waiting until 9 o' clock, he gets out of the shower ready to party, and she's cashed out. Like, that's a lack of communication. And on the other side, him being like, I deserve that, that's stupid too, because that doesn't take into account life has happened, happening. And so it's again, yes, if it only happens once every six months. This is a silly conversation we're even having. I'm assuming this happens with some regularity and both people are missing each other in the night.

[Kelly]

I agree with that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what do you think the solution is, oh, wise one?

[Kelly]

I think you're right on the solution's communication. Talking about it, being like, man, I'm so sorry. I know I said this, but after I talked to you, things went off the rails. A busy meeting or whatever, or just don't feel great.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, here's where, here's where it unwinds. Okay? The harder conversation for him is, I don't want to be with you just to get off. And if I'm communicating that through my actions, if I'm completely unplugged from the house and I show, I get home and I crack open two beers and I just scroll Instagram and you do the dishes because you've made dinner too. And, and, and I've been communicating to you that I just want you as a warm body for my pleasure and I'm so sorry. And she needs to come to the table and say, I hide from you. Like, I just, I'm busy. I just get on the coverage and go to bed real fast. And I'm like, oh, just wake me up then. Like, I'm hiding from my own husband in my own house. And I don't do that either. Like, that's a different conversation here.

[Kelly]

But him having giving her the silent treatment is so.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's a child. Yeah. It's like, I'm gonna take my truck and go home.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And she's like, thank God. I want to go to bed.

[Kelly]

Yeah. So stop that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes. Everybody in this house needs to be an adult. That's the bigger thing. And what does that mean? All the adults seem to be adults. And what does that mean with four kids running around? 13, what?

[Kelly]

12, 6, 2, 1, 7, 9, 10 and 13.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. There's going to be less sex in this house for a season. Get over it. And there's going to have to be sex on the calendar. Get over it. And there's going to be times you have sex when you're both tired. That's part of it. When you have four kids, like, it's all of it together, but it's adults talking it through and saying, what do I really want? What I really want is, here's my. I'd be willing to bet money, unless he's just the worst guy ever. What I really want is after a crazy day at work, I want you to desire me. And for her to say, at the end of a crazy, crazy day, I would love to desire you. I have nothing left. Here's what would really help. And that goes back to that. The brakes and gas pedals conversation. And that's where you're like, if you want me fully present at nine or ten o' clock at night, then I'm gonna need a ton of help here, here, and here and on. Like, that's where the conversation goes. And so everybody's at fault here and nobody's at fault here. We're just figuring this thing out. I feel like this question after a politics question, we. Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a fun five years running this show. We're glad. Glad y' all are with us. Kelly was like, I want to get another job. So she decided to tank the show. So congratulations, Kelly. You ended us. No more tattoos for you. Just wake me up. Come on. And also, I'm not talking to you, America. We need adults to be adults. Let's start there. Love you guys. Bye.