My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums

Summary

Podcast Title: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Episode: My Husband Throws Temper Tantrums
Release Date: January 29, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host Dr. John Deloney addresses complex relationship and mental health challenges submitted by callers. Focusing on real-life struggles, Dr. Deloney offers compassionate advice and actionable strategies to help listeners navigate their personal dilemmas. The episode features heartfelt conversations with three callers: Amy from Bend, Oregon; Connor from Jackson, Mississippi; and Kayla from Denver, Colorado.

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Caller 1: Amy's Struggle with Husband's Temper Tantrums

Timestamp: [01:35] – [07:02]

Amy's Situation: Amy reaches out to discuss her husband's frequent temper tantrums during family outings, particularly on weekends when they spend time together with their young children. Her husband often expresses frustration about weekend activities, feeling that they detract from his productivity and family finances.

Key Points Discussed:

• Impact on Family Dynamics: Amy's husband’s outbursts are visible to their toddlers, creating a tense environment.

• Lack of Communication: There is minimal dialogue between Amy and her husband about their underlying issues, particularly regarding household finances and weekend activities.

Notable Quotes:

• Amy: "When we're just loading up the car, he [...] I don't know how to navigate through it." [02:18]
• Dr. Deloney: "One of the easiest ways to distill down 99% of marriage conflict is this idea that we think in pictures, but we speak in words." [05:06]

Dr. Deloney’s Advice:

1. Clarify Expectations: Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of aligning “pictures” (what each partner envisions) with their verbal communication. He suggests regular discussions where each partner shares their daily or weekly plans to ensure mutual understanding.

2. Address Financial Stress: He advises Amy and her husband to conduct a thorough review of their family finances together, especially with an additional child on the way, to alleviate financial anxieties.

3. Identify Needs and Solutions: Encourages open dialogue about individual needs, such as Amy’s need for a break from childcare and her husband's need to work extra hours for additional income.

4. Plan for Quality Time: Proposes scheduling specific times for peace and connection, rather than spontaneous outings that may lead to conflict.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Deloney: "If you’re building a house that's not anxious, thereby give you an opportunity to have a house that's full of peace." [06:22]

Conclusion for Amy: Dr. Deloney provides Amy with a free copy of his book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, as a roadmap to create a more harmonious household. He encourages her to take actionable steps toward reducing anxiety and improving communication within her family.

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Caller 2: Connor's Struggle with an Addicted Father

Timestamp: [14:56] – [30:23]

Connor's Situation: Connor, a 25-year-old father from Jackson, Mississippi, shares his distress over his father’s severe drug addiction, homelessness, and repeated incarcerations. Connor expresses feelings of helplessness, frustration, and the emotional toll of his father’s deteriorating condition on his own family life.

Key Points Discussed:

• Long-Term Impact: Connor details how his father's addiction led to his parents' divorce when he was ten and the ongoing challenges of having a father struggling with substance abuse.

• Attempts to Help: He recounts efforts to connect with his father, including offers for rehabilitation, which his father repeatedly refuses.

• Emotional Conflict: Connor grapples with conflicting emotions of love, anger, and the duty to help versus the need to protect his own family.

Notable Quotes:

• Connor: "My dad has a huge drug problem that's very likely going to kill him." [00:05]
• Dr. Deloney: "It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't gonna solve the problem." [00:20]

Dr. Deloney’s Advice:

1. Maintain Compassion: Encourages Connor to stay compassionate rather than letting anger dominate his emotions. Emphasizes that while anger is natural, it doesn’t lead to solutions.

2. Set Boundaries: Suggests that Connor assess the realistic impact of his efforts and consider the sustainability of his attempts to help his father without sacrificing his own well-being.

3. Practical Steps:

   • Communication: Recommends having honest conversations about their diverging life paths and the need for mutual understanding.
   • Written Reflection: Introduces the concept of writing three letters—gratitude, anger, and honor—to process his emotions and find closure.
   • Consider Farewell: Proposes the difficult decision of possibly saying a final goodbye if his father consistently rejects help, emphasizing peace of mind over unresolved guilt.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Deloney: "There’s not a right way to do this. And I want to release you from any other further obligation." [30:23]

Conclusion for Connor: Dr. Deloney supports Connor in prioritizing his own mental health and the well-being of his family. He validates Connor’s feelings, encourages setting healthy boundaries, and offers strategies to cope with the emotional burden of his father’s addiction.

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Caller 3: Kayla's Dilemma with Sharing Pregnancy News

Timestamp: [33:10] – [40:52]

Kayla's Situation: Kayla from Denver, Colorado, seeks advice on how to inform a close friend about her pregnancy, especially considering the friend’s recent miscarriage. She is concerned about balancing her joyous news with sensitivity to her friend's loss.

Key Points Discussed:

• Sensitivity Around Loss: Kayla wants to share her pregnancy news in a way that honors her friend’s recent miscarriage without causing her additional pain or discomfort.

• Depth of Friendship: She describes her friendship as part of a supportive tribe but acknowledges a lack of deep personal connection.

Notable Quotes:

• Kayla: "I want to get your thoughts on something that I've been struggling with with my husband." [01:40]
• Dr. Deloney: "If you were having her husband’s baby, now we got a problem." [39:06]

Dr. Deloney’s Advice:

1. Personal Approach: Recommends Kayla share the news in person rather than through social media or impersonal messages. A private, face-to-face conversation allows for genuine expression and immediate emotional support.

2. Express Compassion: Advises Kayla to acknowledge her friend’s recent grief while sharing her own news. This balanced approach ensures her friend feels seen and respected.

3. Calm Delivery: Suggests presenting the news calmly and confidently, allowing the friend to process her emotions without feeling overwhelmed by Kayla’s excitement.

4. Respect Reactions: Emphasizes the importance of granting the friend space if she needs it and maintaining grace regardless of her response. Kayla should prepare for a range of emotions, understanding that her friend’s grief may influence her reaction.

Notable Quote:

• Dr. Deloney: "Joy and pain are not some zero. You having an exciting news doesn't take away from any joy. [...] Both of those things are true, and they don't come at the cost of the other." [38:42]

Conclusion for Kayla: Dr. Deloney encourages Kayla to honor her friend by sharing the news personally and with sensitivity. He reassures her that her happiness does not negate her friend's pain, and she should approach the conversation with empathy and understanding.

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Key Takeaways

1. Effective Communication: Dr. Deloney highlights the importance of aligning verbal communication with personal expectations and visualizations to reduce misunderstandings and conflicts in relationships.

2. Setting Boundaries: Whether dealing with a challenging spouse or an addicted parent, establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for personal well-being and maintaining loving relationships.

3. Compassion and Self-Care: Balancing compassion for others with self-care ensures that one does not become overwhelmed by others' struggles, fostering healthier emotional states.

4. Sensitive Sharing: When sharing significant personal news, especially in the context of others' grief, approaching the conversation with empathy and respect is essential to maintain supportive relationships.

5. Tools for Healing: Utilizing strategies such as written reflections, open dialogues, and seeking resources like Dr. Deloney’s Building a Non-Anxious Life can provide structured pathways to emotional healing and relationship improvement.

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Closing Thoughts

Dr. John Deloney offers a blend of empathy, practical advice, and actionable strategies to help listeners navigate the complexities of relationships and mental health challenges. By addressing each caller's unique situation with care and insight, he empowers individuals to take meaningful steps toward healthier, more fulfilling lives.

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Notable Quote for Reflection:

• Dr. Deloney: "The greatest gift I can give to the legacy that he left is to do everything I can as far up river as possible, to never put myself in a position where I can get sick like that." [28:47]

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Note: This summary focuses solely on the main content and discussions of the episode, excluding advertisements, introductory remarks, and non-relevant sections to provide a comprehensive overview for those who have not listened to the podcast.

Transcript

[Connor]

My dad has a huge drug problem that's very likely going to kill him. He's been in and out of jail, and I don't know exactly how long he's been homeless. He's been homeless in San Francisco for at least 10 years.

[Jon Deloney]

It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't gonna solve the problem. Right? What's going on? This is Jon with the Doctor's John Deloney Show. Put on my headphones. I was talking too much about the game last night, and they started the show without me. I hope you are having a great week wherever you happen to find yourself. Hope you're having a great day wherever you happen to be listening to the show, whether you're going for a walk, you're at the gym, you're cleaning something, you're washing your car, you're headed to work, wherever you happen to be. I'm glad that you're with us. We're talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. For 20 years, I've been sitting with people when the wheels have fallen off their life and we've had to map out a plan together. What's your next right move? And that's what this show is about, sitting with hurting people, real people going through real challenges, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I hope you will call in with whatever's going on in your life and join us on this show. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask a s k. Let's go out to Bend, Oregon. Not Bend over Bend, Oregon, and talk to Amy. Hey, Amy, what's up?

[Amy]

Hey. Not much. How are you?

[Jon Deloney]

I'm all right. How about you?

[Amy]

I'm doing well.

[Jon Deloney]

Excellent. What's going on?

[Amy]

So, not so much. Just I wanted to get your thoughts on. On something that I've been struggling with with my. My husband.

[Jon Deloney]

So go for it. What's up?

[Amy]

Well, yeah, just when we go out, it. It turns into these, what I call for him, a tantrum. You know, the kids can see it and hear it and stuff, and it's just so hard. I don't know how to navigate through it. Like when we're just loading up the car.

[Jon Deloney]

Give me an example.

[Amy]

Well, he'll say, well, great, everyone's out today. And because we do things on the weekends and, oh, I'm not the only one that had this idea. And then, you know, I should be working instead of out, you know, doing this. And.

[Jon Deloney]

So sometimes when I pull into a parking lot of a restaurant that I really wanted to eat at, and it's packed. I will say, oh, good. I'm the only one who had this idea today. But I'm kind of being silly. I'm kind of being annoyed, but not annoyed at anything in particular, but just the fact that everyone else likes a great restaurant, too. Like, so is he being silly, or is he being an immature brat?

[Amy]

Yeah, no, he's. He's making it. Yeah, he's a. Being a. What you would say a brat. He, you know, is like, why do I have to do this all, like, every weekend? And, you know, their kids are pretty small. They're toddlers. And, you know, he'll go on to say, you know, this is, you know, for you, what you like to do, and. Because they're not going to remember, so what? What's the point? You know, this is a waste of time, and we shouldn't be spending the money anyway. And. And he just keeps going on and.

[Jon Deloney]

Okay, so why do you keep inviting him?

[Amy]

Well, I'm expecting our force, and then, like, for family things I find around where we live, it's nice to have him on the weekends so he can, you know, kind of play with the kids.

[Jon Deloney]

And he doesn't want to. He doesn't like this life.

[Amy]

Yeah, it's. It's hard because I thought he. He did, because sometimes when we do go out, he does enjoy himself, so that just makes it hard.

[Jon Deloney]

What does he say? When have you ever sat down, not on a weekend, and just talked through, like, hey, what's. What's going on? I feel like you don't like to be around us. You don't like our. The life that we're creating together. What's going on?

[Amy]

Well, he works from home, and he says he needs to be out, you know, working and doing things for us, for, you know, our financial stability. And then whatever we do on the weekends takes away from that.

[Jon Deloney]

Is he just saying that indiscriminately, or have y'all sat down and worked out your family finances and realized, okay, with. With a fourth on the way, we need to make some extra money during a season?

[Amy]

We haven't, actually. No.

[Jon Deloney]

So have you ever heard me talk about pictures and words before?

[Amy]

No.

[Jon Deloney]

Okay, so one of. I. I think one of the easiest ways to distill down 99 of marriage conflict is this idea that we think in pictures, but we speak in words.

[Amy]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

And so, for instance, your husband says, I'll go. I'll do something with the family this weekend. And you say, let's do something with the family this weekend.

[Amy]

Okay?

[Jon Deloney]

You have a very clear picture in your mind about what you think that's going to look like. You're going to be singing in the car. The kids are going to be well behaved. You're going to go get ice cream or breakfast or whatever you're doing. Like you're going to go do some things together to a park and play. He has a picture of something totally different. And so the first time somebody cuts him off in traffic or the first time he goes to the first place y'all wanted to go and it's full and you see what I'm like. You. You miss each other in the night. And so. Or he'll say something like, hey, finances are kind of tight. Well, you'll think, okay, I'll just order water instead of Diet Coke. And he's thinking, we're $10,000 short right now. And he's trying to shoulder it all without. Without the skills to communicate or the desire to communicate with you. The actual situation.

[Connor]

Okay?

[Jon Deloney]

And so often couples sitting down and saying, okay, we're about to have child number four. Our life as we knew it is about to be over again. We're about to rebuild something new. Right now it feels like we have a life that we can't afford because you're concerned about money to the point that you don't want to be around your family. Okay, I. Oh, you work from home, yet we can only do things as a family on the weekends. And it, it rarely seems to bring you joy. I want to build a life that you want to be a part of, and I want to build a life that I want to be a part of.

[Amy]

Right?

[Jon Deloney]

And so a conversation that my wife and I have every single day, one of us will ask, hey, what's your picture for today look like? Because what we were doing is we would say things like, hey, I'm going to be. I'm going to come home. I'll be home a little bit later tonight. Well, in my head, I'm going to get off work because I have media until 6:30 and then I'm going to go grab some dinner with a couple of co workers and then I'm going go to band practice. I'm not going to get home till nine for my wife, she has a picture of me being a little late home tonight at 6 instead of 5:30. So she just bumps dinner back and the whole family's sitting around waiting. And so we say, what's your picture of today? Look like. And I'll say, I've got this and I've got this and I've got this and I've got this. Okay, great. We're going to have dinner at 5:30 without you. Great. And so you and your husband sitting down and saying, okay, we get to map out what this thing looks like, we get to build what it looks like. And you have to be clear when you want to go out on a weekend and you have a particular thing that you need. Like, I've been in the house all day with all these kids and I'm pregnant again and I need fresh air, I need to move and I need a break from the kids. You need to be able to say, I need a break from the kids. And he needs to be able to say, I've got to work a second job to get some extra money. Right now we need to hire a middle schooler to come over and just play with the young ones for a little bit because we can't afford a full time sitter. But we can't afford a, a middle schooler to come over for a minute or we need your sister to come over or are somebody from church. Like we need to figure that part out. But it's you guys saying what you need and you need to sit down and do a weekly or monthly budget with him together so you have an idea of what the finances are, of what kind of stress he's under. And if he says I need to be working, but actually he's just sleeping in on Saturday mornings and then watching football all day, well, there's a mismatch. So your pictures and words aren't aligning. But this feels like this amor. It kind of feels blobby. You never want to be around us. I'm always around you. Yeah, but you never like, feel like you're. Yeah, but I never. And so no one's being specific about what they actually want, what they actually need and giving the other person opportunity to say, I can meet those wants and needs or I'm not going to meet those wants and needs. And here's why. And that's a more vulnerable conversation. But y'all are there now because here's what's happening. You are doing what you know to do just harder. Let's do weekend stuff together or more. And he is doing what he knows to do, which is to come, complain. Go act like kind of a toddler, throw a temper tantrum louder and more. And what's going to happen is you're going to find somebody somewhere that gives you a little bit of peace. You all going to start ending up co managers of a pretty wild household. You got four kids, y'all are outnumbered two to one. You're going to start being good co managers of your house, but you're going to miss each other in the night. And so I want you guys to take a small retreat, get together. It can be a Saturday, it can be a Sunday. Talk about money, talk about adding kid number four. Talk about what you want your house to look like in five years, what you want your house to feel like in five years, and then be very specific about things like, hey, I miss you. I feel like every time we do things together, you're just annoyed. Is there something I can do to bring some more joy to our time together? I feel like you're stressed about money a lot. And he can talk to you about what he's experiencing using the word I. I'm experiencing you more frustrated than usual. I'm experiencing you more tired than usual, whatever the words are. And y'all can get to the root of what's actually going on. I'm really grateful for the call, Amy. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life as my gift. I want you all to use that as a roadmap for your house. You have a chaotic, anxious house as is. And if there's money stress on top of it and marriage stress on top of it, and any sort of other clutter or chaos or lack of sleep or any of those things that come with having four young kids, this will give you a roadmap that y'all can work together to build a house that's not anxious and thereby give you an opportunity to have a house that's full of peace. Thanks for the call. We'll be right back. So I've been looking for someone I could team up with to offer red light and near infrared light therapy at the highest quality, as well as someone who could help me with my other concerns about our modern living environment as well. I've tried a number of different companies and their products and I'm super excited to be partnering with Bond Charge, a world leader in red light therapy. I've purchased a number of Bond Charge products with my own money and I love them. I use them all the time. Red light and near infrared light therapy has been reviewed in over 4,000 peer reviewed studies, with 400 plus of those studies being double blind placebo trials. Not only do these studies show amazing health benefits, not one study has shown negative side effects. Red Light Therapy can help with boosting mood, helping with sleep, reducing stress, recovery from aches and pains, better skin, skin health, cellulite, stretch marks and more. 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And we all know that most new go get them goals are a waste of time because we don't put in the systems that make them sustainable. So how about this year let's focus on fewer, more sustainable goals and let's build better systems. And let's start by curating a system and a goal that's good for your soul. Let's start this year by focusing on our spiritual lives. In 2025, I want to focus on prayer and meditation and to do this, I recommend Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. I use it and I love it. Hallow offers over 10,000 guided prayers and meditations to help you grow closer to God, answer hard, hard questions, and find peace. Hallow has some amazing daily prayers that will be perfect to start your year off with. And one of Hallow's most popular features is the Daily Reflection with Jonathan Roumie from the TV show the Chosen. You can also check out the daily scripture readings, the nightly sleep prayers, the children's sections, and if you don't have much time, there's even something called the Daily Minute. Hallow makes it easy to build a system and a routine by making a schedule, adding reminders, and fostering a community for accountability. Start the year off right by putting your relationship with God first with the help of Hallow. Right now they're offering three free months when you [e-mail] DeLoney that's Hallow. H a l l o-w.com DeLoney for three months of Hallow to start this new year absolutely free. All right, let's go out to Jackson, Mississippi and talk to the one and only Connor. Hey, Connor. What's up?

[Connor]

Hey, how are you?

[Jon Deloney]

I'm great, brother. How are you, man?

[Connor]

About to have a weird conversation. Probably weird for me, not for you.

[Jon Deloney]

Hey, dude, let's get weird as you want to get.

[Connor]

All right. So what I have written is my dad has a huge drug problem that's very likely going to kill him. I'm the only person that he has left and I've been spending my wheels on this trying to figure out if I can do anything that's helpful. I know the problem's probably not going to go away and there's probably nothing that I can do, but there has to be a way for me to move forward. Does that make sense?

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah. How old are you, man?

[Connor]

25.

[Jon Deloney]

How long has this been a part of Yalls life together?

[Connor]

Well, I'm sure that he's had a drug problem for his whole life, as far as I know, but my parents got divorced when I was around 10, mainly because of this and because he couldn't behave. But he's been in and out of jail since then and I don't know exactly how long he's been homeless, but he's been homeless in San Francisco for at least 10 years.

[Jon Deloney]

Do you have any communication with him?

[Connor]

He calls me every once in a while. When I was younger, we talked a lot more. But the most recent thing I heard from him was he was in the hospital. The one of the nurses or whoever was taking care of him called me and said that he wanted to talk to me and asked how long he had been there, how many times he had been there this year. And they said 25 and that he had just overdosed again and they resuscitated him. And it's kind of the same thing.

[Jon Deloney]

Are you married?

[Connor]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

You have any kids?

[Connor]

I just had one. Well, he's a year old now.

[Jon Deloney]

So are you experiencing the, like. You can't really describe it, the undescribable love of holding a one year old that nobody ever told you about. And you're wondering how in the world did your dad pick this life over you?

[Connor]

Yeah. It gives you a different perspective because when you're. You're younger, you think, you know, well, he just can't seem to get it together. But then you have A kid, and you're like, I can't imagine how he.

[Jon Deloney]

Didn'T, you know, and so there's. It's common that you will toggle from a life of frustration and fear at growing up in the house of someone who really struggles with a profound drug addiction and divorce. And then you move to some level of compassion, like you mentioned, Just can't get it together is what it is. This is my dad. And then you hold your first kid and it's very common that it goes to rage, to anger. Like, are you kidding me? Like, when you hold that one year old, your one year old, like you would, you would burn down a city for that kid. Right. And so it's hard to wrap your head around. And so I guess, number one, I want to implore you to stay in compassion as much as you can, because anger is not going to solve the problem. Angry, anger's fine. Rage isn't going to solve the problem. It's okay to be angry, but rage isn't going to solve the problem. Right?

[Connor]

Yeah. And I'm. I'm not really so much angry or frustrated, but just like it's, it's got to be something I can't imagine, I guess, since he's in the middle of, of this crazy addiction, I guess. But I don't really know how I can help him or if there's any way I can help him.

[Jon Deloney]

So pursue the fantasy with me. Okay. You get on a plane and you fly down to San Francisco from Mississippi. Fly down to San Francisco, you find him, y'all hug, have a big reunion, y'all go to breakfast. And you've set up for him a rehab place where he can go and you figured out how to pay for it. And it would be ungodly expensive, but you figured out how to pay for it. And he goes, and he goes to 30, 60, 90 days inpatient. He gets out, he's clear eyed, he's shaved, he's bathed, he's got a job. Then what?

[Connor]

I mean, I've tried to do that, but I, I don't really see that getting to that point.

[Jon Deloney]

That's right.

[Connor]

Even if it, even if it did get to that point, I don't if unless you got a job and was able to figure it out or get on some kind of disability, I feel like it would just happen again.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah. So there's this moment when I'm going to love you the best I can with the tools I have. Given the circumstances, we both find ourselves. What that might look like is he doesn't have a mailing address, does he? Or does he. He have a P.O. box or something? No.

[Connor]

No.

[Jon Deloney]

Do you have a cell phone where you can get in touch with him?

[Connor]

Every time he has one, he loses it or it gets stolen from him or something.

[Jon Deloney]

Okay.

[Connor]

So every once in a while, maybe every few months, you know, I'll get a call from him or like, you know, the last time he was in the hospital, he called me from their phone and there's a. There's a, you know, a couple hours away, there's a ministry type rehabilitation center that. I said, I've talked to him and they'll take you and it's free. They give you a job. And he's like, I don't want to do that.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah.

[Connor]

Or he'll act like he wants to do it, but he really doesn't.

[Jon Deloney]

Sorry, this one's kind of catching a lump in my throat, man. There's something about wanting something for your mom and your dad so bad that they don't want for themselves or maybe they can't for themselves for whatever reason.

[Connor]

I'm not saying it's getting worse because it's. It's, you know, his situation's been about as worse as you can get.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah. But it comes a point when his body says body has had enough. Right?

[Connor]

Yeah. And what made me call is, is I feel like I'm getting desperate because he. He overdosed again. And when he talked to him this last time, he said that he was mad. They resuscitated him because he has DNR written all over his body. And then he overdosed again in the waiting room or whatever. Or when he got there, when he woke up.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah.

[Connor]

He had something on him and overdosed again in the hospital. Yeah. So, like, do I just. Just stop talking to him, dude. What do I do?

[Jon Deloney]

I think you have to answer that question for yourself. Sometimes people have said the last thing they need to say, which is, I love you. I've got a plan for you. I want my. I have a fantasy about my son growing up with a granddad. And when you're ready, I'll be here. And then you have to hold that space for FIO overdoses. Or in this situation, it sounds like he's trying to die by suicide via overdose. And some people want to have one last face to face. You get on a plane and you go find him. I don't even know how you would go about doing that, but you go find him and you take him to breakfast and say, I'm your son. Just wants you to know, like, I see you're on a bad trajectory. I'm gonna tell you one more time, I love you. These people will take you. I've already set it up. It's for free. Here's a picture of your grandson. I just want you to see it. And I'd love you to be around for another 20 or 30 years, watch them grow up, and then you can leave with peace in your heart knowing I did what I could do.

[Connor]

Yeah. Yeah, I've thought about that. I just don't know if that's the right thing to do or not.

[Jon Deloney]

I. I don't. Here's the thing. I want you to be able to close your eyes at night knowing I did what I could do and I did it with love. And I didn't use my dad to try to make me feel better.

[Connor]

Yeah, that's a good way of saying it.

[Jon Deloney]

And so, for whatever it's worth, man, it sounds like over the last 25 years, you've gone to the ends of the earth to try to get that man to see you and love you and to love those around him.

[Connor]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

And for whatever it's worth, his continued drug use and his continued homelessness and challenges have not been because of his son, Connor.

[Connor]

Right.

[Jon Deloney]

I'd be willing to bet he's been alive longer because you're in the world.

[Connor]

Yeah, I hope so.

[Jon Deloney]

And maybe it's a matter of writing him a letter and making one last flight this holiday season to say goodbye and just knowing I'm letting my dad go. Or maybe you don't even have to make that trip. You can write that letter and you can read it to your brother and sister around the Christmas tree this year, or you can read it to your wife and your 1 year old and just know, this is the year I said goodbye. I don't know what. I don't know what the. The old 5000, 150. I don't know what the. I don't know if you can force somebody into rehab in California. I don't know if you can make somebody who's dying of. Of substance abuse in California go to rehab. I don't know what the rules are there.

[Connor]

Yeah, I don't either.

[Jon Deloney]

Most places.

[Connor]

Sounds unlikely that you could make somebody do that.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah, most places, like a. Like a mandatory hold is pretty tough, especially over a long period of time. Yeah.

[Connor]

And I. I talked about that with a hospital and they offered him treatment as well, but I don't think he took it.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah, he can walk out the door.

[Connor]

Right yeah, they released him and I guess he just went back to the streets. Yeah, as far as I know.

[Jon Deloney]

So I think if I were you, I would probably sit down and you've probably heard me say, tell people to do this, but I would write, I would enter into the, the three letter ceremony, which is I'm, I'm going to write my dad one letter that says dear dad, like, here's what you gave me. I want to say thank you. It's a letter of gratitude. I'm 25, I've got a one year old. Thank you for whatever. Find gratitude in your heart. It's made you more compassionate, it's made you be more open minded, it's made you focus. His struggles have made you make different choices in your life. Even if it's gratitude for thank you for painting a picture of what life I don't want. Then a second letter is one of anger. I can't believe. Say all the things that are in there, write them down and get them out. And the third letter is a letter of honor. And here's who I'm going to become. Here's what you're going to miss. But it's a testament to our family tree is going to look different. And here's the role I'm going to play. And for most people who do this, it has a sense of just taking the cinder blocks out of your backpack that you walk around with every day. Yours will be a little more challenging because he's still alive and most of us don't ever have to run up against this terrible feeling of, I would if I could, but I can't. Like, here's the limits of what I can do here. What's your wife think you should do?

[Connor]

I don't know. Nothing in particular. Kind of the same thing as me. If, you know, you talk to him and you tell him what you can when you can, but I think that's about all I can think to do.

[Jon Deloney]

What do you want to do?

[Connor]

I don't know. I don't. I don't really want to go see him and I don't really want to deal with it anymore, but.

[Jon Deloney]

Okay, listen, listen, listen, listen. You have permission to make that choice. You're not a bad guy. You're a good young man. You're a good new father, you're a good husband. I'll even go as far to say you're a good son. You've done what you could do. And know when he passes away, it will still hurt, you'll still have guilt. But You've heard me say this before. I want you to choose guilt over resentment. If you go out there again and spend $2,500 on plane tickets and hotels and food and whatever, and he snubs you again, you're going to start getting rageful. You're going to start resenting the fact that he exists.

[Connor]

Right? Yeah, I've thought about that a lot. The guilt over resentment.

[Jon Deloney]

I'd rather feel guilty that I stuck my hand in the bag and got bit by a rattlesnake 50 times and I didn't do it at 51st. And there's always going to be. It's natural to feel a little guilty. I should have done it 51st time. But reality was I did the best I could with what I had.

[Connor]

Right.

[Jon Deloney]

And my dad was sick. And the greatest gift I can give to the legacy that he left is to do everything I can as far up river as possible, to never put myself in a position where I can get sick like that.

[Connor]

Right? Yeah, it's definitely, you know, like you said, taught me what I shouldn't do and my friends that have dabbled in drugs. And I'm like, dude, you have no idea what it's going to lead to.

[Jon Deloney]

There you go.

[Connor]

How quickly you can go down that path.

[Jon Deloney]

There you go. So David Kessler talks about in his book Finding Meaning. There comes a moment when you talk about who I'm going to become because. And maybe you develop a pretty powerful talk and you go talk to high school kids. Or maybe you develop a pretty powerful personal talk and you go talk to adults who are entering 30 day treatment programs.

[Connor]

Yeah, that might be nice.

[Jon Deloney]

But it becomes a way to make sense of the pain that you've experienced. It's about finding meaning in that hurt. But usually that's. That's. That'd probably be pretty premature on your end. Right now. Right now we're just gonna be sad.

[Connor]

Yeah, makes sense.

[Jon Deloney]

And maybe you put a small gift for him under the tree in your house this year just as an homage. Or maybe not. I guess the thing I want you to hear me say is there's not a right way to do this. And I want to release you from any other further obligation. You've done what you could do, what you could do, what you could do.

[Kayla]

You.

[Jon Deloney]

And if you choose to enter into the madness one more time, go get it. That's tends to be my bent. I just beat my head over and over and over again. Not in a healthy way, but that. That means I have no. No boundaries. It doesn't make it right. I think you and your wife make peace, exhale, write the letters, and then make a daily commitment for the rest of your life. I'm gonna stare down this hurt that I've experienced, and my kid will have a different life. And my grandkids won't know that our family had this tragedy in our. In our family tree. Because the work I did. I'm proud of you. My brother. He's lucky to have you as a son. And your little one is lucky to have you as a dad. We'll be right back. All right, so I've done some soul searching recently, and I've come to the realization that I actually love the Internet. Just kidding. The Internet's the worst. It's amazing, but it's the worst. But it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life takes place on the Internet. My work, my personal messages and communications. I buy most things on the Internet now. It's where I live. And it's where you live, too. Because so much of our lives take place on the Internet. Now it's become normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order our food and schedule our garbage pickup. All this online. Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. And this is why I'm happy to use and recommend my friends at delete me. With all that online activity, who knows where our data is and who has access to it? Chances are very high that data brokers buy everything about you and they watch every move you make on the Internet and they're selling it to bad guys. But my friends at delete Me will find and remove your personal data from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. And they'll send you detailed reports throughout the year showing you exactly what they've removed and from where. So while we can't really avoid the Internet, we can make our personal data personal again with delete me. Individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today to get 20% off. That's join j o I n join delete me.com DeLoney go right now. All right, let's go out to Denver and talk to Kayla. Hey, Kayla, what's up?

[Kayla]

Hey, Deloney. Doing good. How about yourself?

[Jon Deloney]

Just rocking on to the break of dawn. What's up.

[Kayla]

Awesome. Well, I recently found out that I'm pregnant.

[Jon Deloney]

Is that a good thing?

[Kayla]

Yes. Yes. Yeah. We weren't really telling anybody, but. Except now I just pull a bunch of people.

[Jon Deloney]

Nobody, Kayla, nobody listens to this show. You're fine. You're fine.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

Nobody listens to this.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

All right. So you're pregnant. Congratulations. Number one.

[Kayla]

No, Number three.

[Jon Deloney]

Number three. Dang, Gina.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

All right.

[Kayla]

Yeah. And I've heard you say that going from 2 to 3 is really hard. So.

[Jon Deloney]

Yeah. From man to man to zone. Good luck, guys. Good luck.

[Kayla]

Anyway, so a friend of ours from church, she recently went through a miscarriage. And then shortly after that, I found out about this baby. And I feel like I should tell her about it in person, but I'm not exactly sure how to tell her before we share about it on social media. And that's why I'm coming to you.

[Jon Deloney]

Oh, great question. Yeah, great question. Tell me about your friendship with this. With this woman.

[Kayla]

I've known her for a few years. I want to say that we're particularly close. Like, we're part of the, like, a tribe of women that she's tried to, like, get around her. We've done a few girls nights together, and she had me and another friend of ours on a group text when she was going through the miscarriage and things like that. And like, I called her and prayed for her and. Yeah, but, like. But we never really had any, like, heart to hearts or anything. Those bits. Yeah. It's like I. I know her, but I don't know her deeply, you know?

[Jon Deloney]

So really, the best wisdom I could give you here is exactly what I would do. Okay. Okay. I would say I need to come over to your house and you'd have a private conversation with you, and I'd go over to your house and say, this is. This is remarkable news, but this is going to be particular. It might be particularly painful news. I don't know. I don't want to prejudge. I want to presuppose, but because of how you honored me and let me walk alongside you when you were hurting, I wanted you to be the first to know that we just found out that I'm pregnant. And so the. The. The two ways I have difficult conversations, the two frames I have or facts of your friends, just say the thing. No him hawing. No run around to know long stories and in third grade, none of that. I know this could potentially be painful. This could potentially be the best news you can hear. But before it makes its way around everybody. I wanted you to know first. And the second one is the facts of your friends. I was going to say the thing. The second one is calm, is contagious. I'm not going to come in hysterical or. Or kind of over the top. I'm going to come in with peace. And I think the third and most important thing for you is, is just to give her whatever reaction she has.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

And she might be overwhelmed with joy for you. She might tell you to get out. She might tell you, I'm excited, but I can't be with you during this time. And I would give her just an extraordinary amount of grace.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

Okay. I think the only thing you can control in this side, in this side of the. Of the relationship is you treating her with dignity and honor. And I think your intuition is right. I don't want her getting this from some email if you walk through her miscarriage with her. Y'all have a bond, whether y'all have Kumbaya time on a weekly basis or not. And it definitely is the right thing to say. Hey, before this. Before you just get a text message about this, I wanted to let you know in person.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

Does that make you nervous?

[Kayla]

Kind of. Mostly wondering, like, do I need to bring someone over to her house? And, like, do I need to acknowledge what had happened to her? Yeah, more like. More like that. But I think everything else will be fine.

[Jon Deloney]

So I don't want you to go over to her house and apologize for the happiest moment of your life.

[Kayla]

Oh, okay.

[Jon Deloney]

So you're not apologizing for being pregnant.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

You are just honoring her by telling her first in person because you'll have a deeper relationship and she's got some significant pain around this. Same topic.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

Right?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

And so joy and pain are not some zero. You having a. An exciting. You having exciting news doesn't take away from any joy. She was slowly accumulating. There's endless amounts of joy and there's endless amounts of hurt. And so the best thing you can do is to treat her with honor, treat her with dignity, and keep your integrity about you, which is, I'm going to do the right thing and then give her grace. Because grief makes us act and do tough stuff sometimes. And if she chooses to cut you off for a while, I can't text you. I don't want to talk to you for a while. You didn't do anything wrong. She's just struggling.

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

And that's okay. And you might feel weird or guilty. Just let me. Don't. Having A baby. That's amazing news. And she lost a baby. That's terrible news. Both of those things are true, and they don't come at. At the cost of the other. You get what I'm saying?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

If you were having her husband's baby, now we got.

[Kayla]

That was.

[Jon Deloney]

Now we got a problem. Right?

[Kayla]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Thankfully, that's not the case.

[Jon Deloney]

Exactly. So you see what I'm saying? Like. Like, that's another call on the show, I'm sure. But, like, that's when you have a. Oh, my gosh. I have the thing. You. It becomes messy. You're not here. You're not apologizing for having a baby. This is the most exciting thing ever. I think letting her know. I would love for you to walk alongside me in this. And I also fully understand if it's too soon. This is heavy. Give her permission and then refuse. Refuse to talk bad about her. Refused to belittle how she responds, Refused to tell other people, oh, my gosh, she lost it. She screamed at me, told me to get out of her house, which probably won't happen. Probably what will happen is she'll get choked up instantly and give you a big hug and tell you she's so happy for you and then probably send you a text of some sort about how she really feels later. That's my guess.

[Kayla]

Okay.

[Jon Deloney]

But the. Having experienced that in my own house, not as. Not as a woman, as a person who's carrying the baby, but having experienced multiple miscarriages, nothing made me happier when I found. Than when I found out my friends are pregnant. I was so happy for him. And I also know some people just need space because they're not in a place to celebrate. And that's okay.

[Kayla]

Good.

[Jon Deloney]

All you can do is the next right thing.

[Kayla]

All right.

[Jon Deloney]

Is that cool? Will you do me a huge favor?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

Will you let me know how it goes?

[Kayla]

Yeah.

[Jon Deloney]

Will you write us back and just put follow up?

[Kayla]

Yeah, definitely.

[Jon Deloney]

I would love to know how the conversation goes. And if your friend wants to call, that'd be great.

[Kayla]

Okay, I'll tell her.

[Jon Deloney]

Be cool. When's your baby do?

[Kayla]

End of July.

[Jon Deloney]

Boy or girl?

[Kayla]

I don't know. My daughter says that it's a girl, and I'm just like, I don't know. We have one of each.

[Jon Deloney]

I think it's a boy, and I think you should name it John because that's a dope name.

[Kayla]

Well, psych. We already have a boy named John.

[Jon Deloney]

Booyah. Hey, listen, if you don't screw this up, your kid, too, can be a middling B level podcaster one day. Shoot for the stars, Kayla. Shoot for the stars. Oh, man. Amazing. Hey, it's. It's an honor to get to talk to you today. I'm excited for you and thank you. Thank you for being there for your friend. When she was struggling, she needed a person to text in the middle of the night just to say she wasn't okay. It's hard to walk through loss with somebody, and that's a pretty noble, honorable thing that you did. And it'd be amazing if she could walk through joy with you. And it's also understandable if right now she can't. Both of those are okay. She's lucky to have you as a friend. Caleb. Thank you so, so much for the call. We'll be right back. Okay. I want to tell you about my friends at Cozy Earth. Over the last few weeks, my sleep has been off. I've been spending more time on screens than I like, and I'm traveling all over the place. I'm just feeling disconnected. Here's the deal. Starting this year off, right starts with good sleep period, full stop. And that means creating a space that helps you rest. For me and my family, that's where Cozy Earth comes in. Their bedding is soft, breathable, and it keeps us cool and comfortable all night. It helps us create that perfect sleep sanctuary that we all need to be restored. My wife sleeps in the Cozy Earth's long sleeved bamboo pajama set every night. She loves them. And my whole family is in love with the Cozy Earth sheets and bedding and the bath linens that have the best towels in. And just this morning, my son came downstairs wearing my Cozy Earth cityscape hoodie that he stole from my closet. Listen, let's do a restart this year. Let's put down the phone, let's set a regular bedtime and get comfortable. When possible, let's everybody keep their own clothes and let's invest in our sleep all with Cozy Earth. When we sleep and rest well, we show up better for ourselves and our families. And right now, Cozy Earth is offering a 40% off discount code exclusively for my listeners. Visit cozyearth.com and use code DeLoney for 40 off. That's cozy. C O Z Y cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code Deloney at checkout. All right, we're back. Hey, don't forget, you can watch the new episode of United States of Anxiety in the Ramsey Network app. The show is hosted by the Ramsey Network and you can download the app. Wherever you get apps, you download app. And you can download it. And you know me. Yeah, I'm excited for you. Kelly is a hip hop queen, by the way. That's who they called her back in high school. Sorry, I had to. I. I like how the other kids in the booth were like, what is that before y'all were born? I can't believe you don't. You're down with ovp. Yeah, you know me. That's your homework assignment. I'll listen to it. You won't.

[Connor]

You're right.

[Jon Deloney]

Your life would be better if you did, though. It'd be awesome. But, hey, you can download it. You can get this show a week early, and you can go check out the latest episode. It's. It's. It's kind of taken off. It's pretty amazing watching this brave, wonderful woman go on a pretty transformational journey. So go check it out in the app. Love you guys. Don't forget to subscribe on YouTubes and to leave the reviews and download the shows and share it. And Partridge in a Pear Tree, do all those nice things for me. How about that? Oh, geez. How do you end shows? There should be a class in college knowledge for how to end podcasts. Just say bye. See ya. Hey, what's up, folks? Big news. The Dr. John DeLoney show is now available a full week early in the Ramsey Network app. That's right. You can catch all the real talk of mental health, relationships, emotional health before anyone else. And the best part, it's completely free. Just click the link in the show notes to download the Ramsey Network app and start watching early today.