My Husband Treats Sex as a Performance

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network) Episode: My Husband Treats Sex as a Performance (May 6, 2026)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show dives into the complexities of intimacy, personal boundaries, and communication in relationships. Dr. John responds to callers seeking guidance on navigating changing sexual desires in marriage, struggling to feel at home in a partner's house shared with an ex, and grieving the loss of a close friendship that tainted a wedding. He encourages honest dialogue, personal reflection, and embracing difficult feelings to foster healthier, more authentic connections.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Navigating Changes in Sexual Intimacy (00:19–19:41)

Caller: Alexandra (Seattle, WA)

Discussion Highlights

• Alexandra’s Dilemma:
  Married a year and a half, Alexandra finds herself exhausted by the "theatrics" of increasingly kinky sex with her husband, feeling pressure and a lack of fulfillment in more "vanilla" encounters. She wants to maintain intimacy but is anxious about disappointing her husband.

• Performance vs. Intimacy:
  Dr. John zeroes in on the difference between performing sexually and genuine connection:

  "Is there any part of you that is quietly asking, 'What just about me?'... Why is it not just enough to... just me and not all of the toys and outfits and everything else?"
  — Dr. John (03:37)

• Fear of Not Being Enough:
  Alexandra shares her deeper insecurity about not being enough, worrying her husband might lose interest if she doesn't keep up the “performance.”

  "Less valuable, less lovable, you know, he would lose interest..."
  — Alexandra (08:13)

• Codependency and Self-Knowledge:
  Delony highlights the danger of managing a partner’s feelings at one’s own expense:

  "You're anticipating his discomfort, his feeling of rejection... and in managing it, you're stepping on yourself. The definition of codependence is I need him to be okay so that I can be okay."
  — Dr. John (10:33)

• Clarifying What You Want:
  Alexandra acknowledges she’s tired of “having to perform to be intimate” (11:45). Dr. John encourages her to explore her own desires, emphasizing self-love as the basis for authentic intimacy.

• Building a Healthier Sexual Relationship:
  Dr. John suggests direct, clear conversations about what each partner wants—including negotiating signals for “adventurous” vs. “slow and gentle” nights:

  "Clearest kind, here's a roadmap... I want you to text me... I want us just to watch a show and then I want you to take my hand..."
  — Dr. John (15:56)

• Vulnerability and Reframing Fears:
  The importance of honest disclosure of fears (“I'm nervous to disappoint you”) to be seen and understood by a partner.

Memorable Quotes

• "I still am interested. I just, I feel like exhausted by the theatrics of it all... I don't want all the frills..." — Alexandra (02:19)
• "Part of loving yourself is asking yourself, what do I actually want? What actually feels good? What do I like?" — Dr. John (12:56)
• "He's trying to use a blowtorch to light a candle." — Dr. John (15:49)

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2. Feeling Like an Outsider in a Partner’s Past Dream (23:41–37:13)

Caller: Lynn (Chicago, IL)

Discussion Highlights

• Lynn’s Issue:
  Lynn moved into her husband’s dream home—one he bought with his ex-wife. Despite his transparency and efforts, she feels like she lives in someone else’s dream, struggling with reminders of his previous marriage.

• Ownership of Feelings:
  Dr. John affirms Lynn’s discomfort:

  "I don't like the feeling of being second and living in someone else's dream." — Lynn (24:58)

• Grieving the Past, Building the Future:
  Dr. John drills down to the root: Wanting to be “the only one,” and the pain of inheriting remnants from a partner’s prior life.

• Financial Anxiety Compound:
  Lynn connects feelings about the house to childhood instability and fears about money.

• Mutual Understanding and Transparency:
  Dr. John recommends open dialogue about financial plans and emotional triggers, underlining the necessity of not hiding feelings from each other:

  "It's when you think you have to hide parts of yourself from him that those things rise up like dragons."
  — Dr. John (31:26)

• Practical Journaling Exercise:
  Suggests a daily gratitude and feelings journal, evaluating thoughts for truth and actionable steps (35:05).

Notable Quotes

• "You get to choose what you meditate on." — Dr. John (34:44)
• "What must be true for me to be okay in my own skin?" — Dr. John (33:53)

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3. Grieving Loss & Reclaiming Joy After Betrayal by a Friend (39:32–53:51)

Caller: Jenny (Minneapolis, MN)

Discussion Highlights

• Jenny’s Grief:
  Jenny wants to redo her wedding because her former best friend (her sister-in-law) attended in funeral attire, refused to engage with her new husband, and said hurtful things, including wishing her marriage would fail and that she’d have a miscarriage.

• The Root Issue—Unresolved Grief vs. Fixation on the Event:
  Dr. John gently dismantles the idea that a second wedding would resolve the underlying heartbreak:

  "Redoing your wedding is not going to take away the grief that you feel here."
  — Dr. John (43:18)

• Acceptance and Moving On:
  Dr. John suggests “the cinder block” exercise—carrying a cinder block labeled with the friend’s name around the house until it’s heavy, then physically discarding it—as a ritual to let go (51:17).

• Reframing the Narrative:
  Jenny is advised to focus on the positive present: her loving marriage and vibrant children, rather than the pain inflicted by her friend.

Notable Quotes

• "She tried to ruin your wedding. She didn't have that kind of power anymore." — Dr. John (45:26)
• "Grief is the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened." — Dr. John (50:53)
• "I'm not carrying you anymore." — Dr. John, suggesting the cinder block exercise (51:33)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (With Timestamps)

• “Is there any part of you that is quietly asking, what's so bad about just me?...” — Dr. John (03:37)
• “I'm still a little nervous about how to articulate... the why I'm feeling what I'm feeling...” — Alexandra (06:10)
• “You're anticipating his discomfort... and in managing it, you're stepping on yourself.” — Dr. John (10:33)
• “Part of loving yourself is asking yourself, what do I actually want? What actually feels good?” — Dr. John (12:56)
• “You're awesome for making this call because your willingness to have this call is going to help a jillion people.” — Dr. John (19:41)
• “I don't like the feeling of being second and living in someone else's dream.” — Lynn (24:58)
• “It's when you think you have to hide parts of yourself from him that those things rise up like dragons.” — Dr. John (31:26)
• “She tried to ruin your wedding. She didn't have that kind of power anymore.” — Dr. John (45:26)
• "Grief is the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened." — Dr. John (50:53)
• “I'm not carrying you anymore.” — Dr. John (51:33)

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Overall Tone

Warm, direct, humorous but deeply empathetic. Dr. John validates fears and frustrations while challenging assumptions and encouraging vulnerability and personal responsibility. The conversations are candid, sometimes heavy, but laced with hope and practical guidance.

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Useful Timestamps

• Alexandra's Call/Intimacy & Performance: 00:19–19:41
• Lynn's Call/Living in a Partner's Ex's House: 23:41–37:13
• Jenny's Call/Redoing the Wedding & Grieving Betrayal: 39:32–53:51

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Summary:
This episode offers a masterclass on honest relationship communication, the pitfalls of performance and codependence, reclaiming one’s voice in marriage, and practicing deliberate gratitude and present-mindedness in healing from past wounds. Dr. John’s advice is actionable, compassionate, and rooted in the messy realities of human connection.

Transcript

[A]

Foreign. This is an ad for better help. May is mental health awareness month and we're all surrounded by non stop noise and it keeps our bodies on high alert. But you don't have to carry it all alone. Go to betterhelp.com deloney for 10 off.

[B]

How can I talk to my husband about my interest in doing the kinky stuff we used to do? Kind of fading away. I feel exhausted kind of by this, the theatrics of it all.

[A]

Is there any part of you that is quietly asking, well, what just about me? It's time to stop and collaborate and Listen. This is Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm John. I'm glad that you are with us, coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your kids, your whatever you got going on in your life. It's a mad house out there. Nothing's real anymore except everything feels real and we don't know where to turn. That's what the show is. Pull up a seat. We're gonna figure out what's the next right move for you, for your life, your family, whatever you got going on. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will go to our overlords, Kelly, Daniel, and she will get you on the show. Let's go out to Seattle, Washington and talk to Alexandra. Hey, Alexandra, what's up?

[B]

Hi, Dr. John. Not much.

[A]

How are you?

[B]

So much for taking my call. I'm good, I'm good, thank you. How are you?

[A]

I'm. I'm literally running a scam here called the podcast. It's awesome. It's good work if you can get it.

[B]

It is awesome. Yeah, I love it.

[A]

Oh, you're too kind. What's going on?

[B]

Okay, so my question is, how can I talk to my husband about my interest in doing the kinky stuff we used to do? Kind of fading away and me being no longer interested in that kind of as much anymore.

[A]

Okay. How long have you all been together?

[B]

So we've been together for two years and married for a year and a half.

[A]

Okay. So at the start of your marriage, it was kind of like, oh, yeah. And now not into it as much anymore.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's been for the past maybe, I don't know, four to six months. I just, I haven't really wanted. Wanted to do the crazy stuff much, if at all. So it's still there. I still am interested. I just, I feel like exhausted by the theatrics. Of it all where it's like, it always seems like, you know, the next newest and crazy wild thing and what else can we bring in and like, let's talk the last thing we did. And I'm so happy that he comes to me with his ideas and I want him to continue doing. I don't want him to feel shut down or like, I don't want him at all anymore because that's not the case. I just don't want all the frills and I don't want, you know, I'm okay with something a little more vanilla more of the time. And it's just getting to the point where I feel like now I. I don't know, I'm avoiding sex because I, you know, it's stressful now.

[A]

Yeah. Is there any part of you that. I don't want to put this into the. I don't want to put it out into the ethos if it's not real. So I'm asking you. Okay. And this isn't a leading question. This is me just trying to gather information.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Is there any part of you that is quietly asking, what's so bad about just me? Like, why do you know? Like, I. I love the fun. I love the play. I love the adventure. I love seeing you so wild and spun up and turned on. I like all that. But what just about me.

[B]

Yeah. I think I've given some thought to maybe my fear surrounding telling him more about this is that it wouldn't be enough to not have all the other extra stuff, which. Yeah. Kind of boils down to, like, why not? Why is it not just enough to. Yeah. Just. Just me and not all of the toys and outfits and everything else.

[A]

Okay. So I want. I want to make sure. And this is hard, this is heavy, but I want you to. To take the next. To allow yourself to feel the weight of this. Okay. Which is this. It's not about the next thing. Is he going to be okay without this? The real scary question is, is he going to be okay with just me and the, like, talking about we used to be kinky and I kind of like, I want to settle into some boring married sex because it's awesome. I like being with you. I like, like, all of that is. Is cool. And it makes for clickable headlines. Right.

[B]

Right.

[A]

The real concern I have here is your. The first part of your question. How do I talk to him about. Yes, that's. This. That. That's the. That's the more of an alarm question for me. So what is it about the nature of your marriage, the nature of your relationship with this guy? What is it about your. Just your friendship. Right. Marriage is. When you distill it all the way down, is like, two awesome friends. What is it about your friendship with this guy that makes you. Saying, hey, here's what I want. Makes you uncomfortable with putting that on the table? Well, yeah, that's a.

[B]

That's a great question, too. That has been, you know, on the surface of my mind as this is constantly coming up for me. And actually, since I submitted my question, you know, since it's been so. Just so much on my mind, I actually. I did talk to him about it last night.

[A]

Okay. How'd it go?

[B]

It went well. I'm still. I think I'm still a little nervous about how to articulate exactly, you know, the why I'm feeling what I'm feeling. And. And he actually. All my nerves were surrounding, like, I'm gonna disappoint him. He's gonna feel rejected. He's gonna be alarmed that I'm not interested anymore. He'll take it personally. And he. There was a little bit of that, but he was really supportive and really great about it. There's something. I guess this kind of maybe evolves the question to a part two. He. He is so good to me. He's so great, and we are really happy, and he really prioritizes us and my happiness. And he took it and ran in a great. You know, he wants. He's like, I want to do some research on this. I want to talk about slowing it down and things being less about, you know, the props and all of the wild stuff. And I kind of noticed myself because this was last night, and it continued this morning sort of being like, well, it's getting stressful again now. It's like, too much pressure again on making it something, you know, else, you know, like, where he. He wants so much to please me and satisfy me that. That I'm starting to think, like, yeah, maybe there is a little bit, like, I just want to take a break from having sex at all.

[C]

Okay,

[B]

so I'm still.

[A]

What makes that not okay?

[B]

Well, I know that there's a lot of emphasis on how happy he is with our sex life.

[C]

He was.

[B]

He was in a previous marriage.

[A]

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm talking about you, not him.

[B]

Oh, I. I. Yeah, I think it's. It's kind of back to, you know, the question you asked me a few minutes ago is, it's it's me putting it on myself that it wouldn't be enough, you know, to not it. I wouldn't.

[A]

You wouldn't be enough?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Less valuable, less lovable, you know, he would lose interest, that kind of thing.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

No.

[A]

Have people lost interest in you before?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, Let me say this. I'm so grateful that you called this early in your marriage, and I'm so grateful that you called while you still seem to really care about this guy. And I'll trust you and take your word for it that he really cares about you. Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But a marriage only works if you see and know and celebrate and challenge each other. But you're doing all the seeing and all the knowing and all the celebrating and all the challenging right now.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And in a weird way, you did last night, and I'm really proud of you. But you're not allowing yourself to be seen and known and celebrated either. And part of being known is here's what I like and here's what I don't like. And part of celebrating somebody is saying, awesome, I want to do these things. And that's. It's cool that it's out there, but you can't control that for him. What you can control is walking in and saying, here is where I'm at right now. Right. Because what you're trying to do is you're. You're anticipating his discomfort, his feeling of rejection, his frustration, his whatever. You're anticipating that and it may or may not be true. And then you're trying to manage it for him. And in managing it, you're stepping on yourself. Or the definition of codependence is I need him to be okay so that I can be okay. Yeah. And what I want to challenge you to do is to begin to ask yourself what is true for me? What do I actually want? And what's hard for most people is it's not. There's a tension. It's not either or. Cuz probably and again shut me down if I'm wrong. There's times when I kind of like to just get wheels off again. That was fun. And there's a fear that if I do this, then it's going to have to always be like that. And then every night's a performance then. And where I see couples get is I don't even want to hold his hand because if I grab his hand, that starts a set of dominoes, that I'm going to end up in some weird outfit on my head with a giraffe costume. Singing. Right. Like. Like. So I'm just gonna avoid even holding his hand.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And then he's gonna loop around and say, then I need to escalate even more and more and more and more and more and more. And then we end up getting further and further apart from. From each other.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so let me ask you, like, a series of, like, is this true or not? Questions. Okay. I know what you feel, but let me ask you, like, is this true?

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Do you not want to engage in any sexual acts with him, or are you tired of the performance aspect? Tired of feeling like you have to perform to be intimate?

[B]

Tired of feeling that I have to perform to be intimate.

[A]

Okay, so where does the story that you have to perform, where does that come from?

[B]

I think there's a lot of positive reinforcement surrounding the things we've done and, you know, his enjoyment and excitement. And I do love to make him happy. And I guess starting early on, you know, we seem to be very well aligned with and all of that. And he definitely was very verbal about how much he enjoyed everything. And so I think I'm just a person in general who probably thrives off praise and wanting to keep the momentum of, like, oh, he's really loving this, which I guess equated to, he's really loving me. So that just kept the momentum going.

[A]

So let me ask you a deeper question. Who's responsible for loving you?

[B]

I am.

[A]

So that what? So that then you can show up.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And part of loving yourself is asking yourself, what do I actually want? What actually feels good? What do I like? Right. And in every marriage, there's. There's. There's times of generosity. Right? Like, and generosity sounds like such a clinical, dramatic term. There's times when you're just like, I'm going. I'm going for it. Like, I'm gonna rock his world tonight. Like, I'm in. Right. That's part of it. And there's equally part of it where I would love her to get the giraffe costume out. But. But tonight is going to be gentle, slow. We're gonna look each other in the eyes all the way through.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And. And so it's. It is a. A constant attempt to out serve each other. But that means there's times when I'm going to allow myself to be served. And I can only be served if I'm known. And I can only be known if I allow myself to be known. And I can only allow myself to be known if I know what the heck I even want

[B]

okay.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So let me ask you, this is an awkward question, but what do you want? Like, if you could imagine a romantic sexual encounter with your husband, Paint me a picture of what that looks like.

[B]

I. I think I would. Well, I really do want a little bit of what I'm intimidated by. Like, I, I know I want slower. I want it to start earlier on in the day with intention. And I don't want to get to bed and be going right for it. You know, definitely much more warm up and during. Like, I really would like to have the sense, like, this is. It's completely on me, but I don't feel like I can make eye contact during. And I would really like to be able to do that.

[A]

Okay. So. Not safe in an abusive way, but do you feel safe enough to say that out loud?

[B]

Yeah, I do.

[A]

Is there a part of you that I have? Can you say I don't like it when you have to Google what we're going to do?

[B]

Yeah, I'm working towards that. You know, I think there were moments of our conversation last night where maybe not in that direct of a way, which I need to work on. I let him know that all of those extra Google searches were getting exhausting for me.

[A]

Okay. And he might turn around and tell you, I feel like I'm going to disappoint you because maybe I disappointed my ex wife.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And so I'm going to research this. I'm going to be perfect at this. I am going to never let the spark die.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's trying to use a blowtorch to light a candle. Right. And so when, when you tell him, hey, clearest kind, here's a roadmap. At 10am, I want you to text me and say that you're thinking about me. And at 4 o', clock, I want you to text me and say, how can I love you? I'm headed home from work in about an hour. How can I love you when I walk in the do and I don't want you to Google anything. I want us just to watch a show and then I want you to take my hand and take us. Like, you get what I'm saying?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, this is super un Hollywood, right? This level of clarity. But the alternative is you keep participating in something that makes you feel more and more used and less and less seen and known, or you just shut the whole system down.

[B]

Yeah, that's definitely what it feels like is happening.

[A]

Okay, so the, the path forward is hope he'll read your mind eventually or Google the Just the right thing. Or I want to be so clear so that you have a path to me. And it might start with, I want to do 30 seconds of French kissing, and we're going to make direct eye contact and not break it. David Schnar, he's a. He's a. A famous therapist and sex therapist. He's a brilliant thinker, but he has a whole section about eyes open everything. And it's intense. Intense.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. But. And maybe saying, I want to. I want to sleep together tonight for the first time. I don't have sex. And I want us to make direct, like, laser eye contact the whole time. That might be too much for. For. For the first time, but I just want to. I want us to kiss for a while and I want us just to make eye contact. I want to see you and I want you to. I want to see you seeing me. Right. I want to be the person that you come to. Not this, not the. Not the Google search.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Yeah. And I think he would. He would absolutely be on board. You know, he would. He's willing to. To also try anything I bring to the table, which is great. Okay. I.

[A]

But will he do the next thing? And that is this. Will he hear you if you put on the table. I'm nervous to disappoint you.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

I think putting that fear out in the open, because that's the fear underneath all of this.

[B]

Right? You're right.

[A]

And so let me put that on the table. The story I've made up is if I don't do all this stuff and I'm not super into it all the time, that you're going to find me wanting. You're going to. You're going to leave.

[B]

Mm.

[A]

And you might know intellectually, he's not going to leave. He loves me. He's crazy about me. All this stuff. Look at this. He's googling giraffe costumes, for crying out loud. Like, Right. You might know that intellectually, but in your spirit, in the middle of your chest, you're like, dude, that guy's about to leave. I gotta keep participating in this.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And so let's put that on. The story I made up is this, and let him respond to that. And my guess is, based on what you've told me, is he's gonna say, oh, God, no, never. And then we can get into the fun, what I call, like, the negotiation stage. Like, how do I signal to you that I would just like a wheels off night.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Or how would I signal to you? Is it a text. Is it a call? Is it a like I'm gonna make the bed a certain way that tonight I want to slow, chill, I just want to be with you. No drama, no theatrics, no whatever.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Right. And a fun, intimate conversation. And y' all may have had this already is not what are the things you want to try? What are the things you want me to wear? What are the roles you want to act out? But the intimate conversation is, tell me, tell me what excites you about that. Tell me what makes you feel alive about all of that. And my sense is being able to have that conversation will free up the next conversations that need to happen. But a, you're awesome for making this call because your willingness to have this call is going to help a jillion people. Thanks for the call, sister. It's awesome. Appreciate your vulnerability and your openness and I think your marriage is going to be in a pretty amazing place moving forward. We come back. A woman asks if it's reasonable to feel like she doesn't belong in the house her husband bought with his ex wife. Nice. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is mental Health Awareness month and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five US Adults experience mental illness and mental and emotional challenges every year. And nearly half of that group never gets any help. And these aren't just statistics. These are real people. And look, we're living in this non stop, everyone's screaming blood, political noise screens nonsense, all this comparison, constant notifications. We're communicating more than ever with everyone all over the planet, yet we're not connecting with anybody. And we're more anxious and more lonely and more overwhelmed than ever. And this stress is showing up in our physical health, in our relationships, in our sleep. Listen, we were never meant to carry all of this alone. Talking to somebody can help. And that's where better help comes in. Betterhelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States and they follow a strict code of professional conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform and if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time at no additional cost. Cut through the noise in your life and seek to reconnect. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. HP.com DeLoney Some of my favorite days in the spring and summer are being out on the water fishing with my wife, with my daughter, and with my son. If you fish, you know this glare on the water can be brutal on your eyes. You're trying to see where the fish are. The sun is shining, the water is reflecting, and by the end of the day, your eyes are cooked. This is why my whole family wears Shady Rays fishing sunglasses. I love them. They're polarized, which means they cut the glare and they actually let you see into the water. Not just on the surface into the water. It's magic. Makes a huge difference. They protect your eyes, they're durable, and Shady Rays are built for real life. And I need to say this. I've lost or broken more sunglasses than I care to admit. It's pretty embarrassing, actually. Shady Rays has lost and broken protection, so if something happens, Shady Rays will replace them. It's amazing. And Shady Ray sunglasses look awesome. And they're not stupid, expensive. So if you like to fish or you know someone who does get sunglasses that are made for fishing, check out Shady Ray's entire sunglasses collections. They're amazing. Head to shadyrays.com and use code DeLoney for 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. They're awesome. That's shady rays.com. use code DeLoney. All right, Chicago, Illinois. Let's talk to Lynn. Hey, Lynn. What's up?

[C]

Hey.

[D]

How's it going, Dr. John?

[A]

I'm doing good. How are you?

[B]

I'm good.

[D]

I'm a feather in a whirlwind right now, and I love it. I'm hoping you can help me out.

[A]

Go for it. What's up?

[D]

Yeah, I'm just trying to figure out how to. How to feel like I fit into this house that I live in with my husband now that he bought with his ex wife. If you want, I can give you a little bit of the context behind.

[A]

Yeah, go for it.

[D]

Okay. So we've been together almost four years, married a year and a half, and he. He bought this house with his previous wife as their dream home. And, like, even when we were dating, he told me, like, straight up, he was very honest.

[B]

He's like, this is the house I want to grow old in.

[D]

I want to retire here. This is my dream home. I've always wanted to live here. It's a beautiful house, like, really beautiful. But I'm really struggling because he bought it with her. And that was. I feel like it was. It was their dream together. And then I'm coming in to this, and I feel a little. I don't know how I feel about it. I don't feel good about it, I

[A]

guess you know exactly how you feel about it. Just own it. Say it.

[D]

Yeah, I don't like it. And I. I don't like the feeling of be. I. I don't like the feeling of being second and living in someone else's dream.

[A]

I love that. That's, like, you said that perfectly. That's. That's super clear for me.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Y' all two had a dream. She's out of the picture, and you just replaced her picture with mine in your dream.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. And I. I feel like I want to build something with him new, but I also, you know, I know that I gave him my word that I, you know, I agreed to move in here with him, so.

[A]

Well, that. That's the hard part is you, like, to his credit, he was pretty straightforward. And you signed up for this?

[B]

I did.

[D]

And then I was like, oh, shoot. I thought a year and a half in, I'd be like, oh, yeah, this is my house. And I. I. I think it. It maybe has something to do to you with. Before we got married, like a big dummy. I was like, oh, she still has stuff in your house that, you know, whatever, I'll help you clean it out. That was a terrible idea.

[B]

Like, terrible.

[D]

So I went in and, like, I was helping him get stuff out. She had, like, a U haul amount of stuff that she left at the house, and there's, like, all sorts of intimate, Very, very intimate items and love letters, and I just can't unsee those when I walk into the room.

[A]

Okay. Can I. Can I. Can I challenge you on something?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

How much of this is the house and how much of it is what the house represents? That he had somebody that he said, I do till death do us part with before you.

[D]

I don't know. It's probably a lot more of the. That it was, because I never thought I was going to be.

[A]

I know.

[D]

I never pictured that I would be with someone who was previously married.

[A]

Right. So. And you haven't metabolized. Realize you signed up for a new picture.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And you want so, so, so, so badly. And you're not crazy for wanting this. You want to be his only one. Yeah, but he had another one.

[D]

Yeah. And, like, he still has the wedding pictures and in the basement in a bin. And, you know, I. I want to be like, hey, that. You know, I have a past. You have a past that is our past, and that's okay. But I just. I'm really, really struggling, and I. I don't know if Maybe part of it too. And part of the thing with the house that gets me confused is that growing up we, my family, like, very, very close knit but incredibly financially unstable. And it was on the table almost monthly that we might be homeless. And my parents would try and reassure us and be like, oh, you know, like we'll, we'll send you two kids off here and you kids over to this relative. So that way, you know, we'll break up the family, but you'll have a place to stay. And so I don't know if part of it is maybe I'm a. I'm afraid of, of connecting too, because I, I feel like the other shoe is going to drop. I don't know.

[A]

Did you move a lot in your adult life?

[D]

Yeah, I moved all over the country.

[A]

Yeah. And the crappiest part about having the childhood you had and moving a lot is every new place you showed up to, you went with you.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

So let me ask you like some real clear fact finding questions. Are y', all, is this too much house for y' all to afford?

[B]

No.

[A]

Are you broke?

[D]

Well, right now we are, but he just started a new job, so I think it, it should be, it should be.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. I want you to get really clear on that. And what I mean by that is I want to path. I want you all to, to sit down and talk through what must be true over the next month, the second month, the third month, go three months out and say, how will we know if this new job is working? And part of him loving you, part of you loving him is knowing he's got wedding pictures for. With somebody else in the basement. Now I'm not going to weighed in on whether I think he should get rid of him or not. Whatever. Like, I think those are symbolic of. Yeah, he's, he built a life with somebody else and it didn't work out.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Right. And so that's true. But part of him loving you is knowing I grew up in terrifying with a terrifying sense of anxiety around finances. So I need some extra clarity. Okay. My, I've mentioned on the, on the show before, having a mortgage, having a car payment. My wife loses zero seconds of sleep. Doesn't bother her at all. How I grew up. How I grew up. I will pace the house at night. If I owe somebody money, I will make laps around the house. It makes me bananas.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Oh, gosh.

[A]

And so her way of loving me is showing up and saying, got it. Then we're going to, we're going to drive these Kind of cars. Cool. Done. What's next? All right, I'll go on a crazy plan and forego vacations for a few years to get this house paid off. And we're going to buy half that size of house than we can actually. We actually qualify for. Because it's more important for both of us for me to have a well and whole husband, and it's more important for my husband to not owe anybody any money. So we're going to buy a house that looks like this, and we're going to love it. Right. And on the backside of that, I have a hard time spending money on vacations. And part of me loving her was, I want to go see the world. Then, baby, we're going to see the world, Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But it came in that order. But it also came with us putting all of this on the table and her saying, I always wanted to go see a bunch of stuff. And me saying, these things scare me to death. And both of us saying, I. I see you and know you enough. I'm in. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

It's when you think you have to hide parts of yourself from him that those things rise up like dragons.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And.

[D]

And I think, you know, I've. I'm having a hard. I have a hard time talking to him because we've talked about it a couple times, and I know. I've heard, like, I've hurt him when I say that. I. I'm like, it's a beautiful house, but it doesn't feel. It still feels like your house. And he's like, you know, I feel like I've tried to make something really beautiful, like a little home for you, and you're rejecting me, and I don't know how to. I guess I can't make him feel one way or another. And I'm not trying to be ungrateful

[A]

because it is beautiful, but flip that around. He can't make you feel anyway, either.

[C]

Oh, well.

[A]

And let me. Let me say it that that's not totally true. When you get married to somebody. My buddy Jefferson said this, and I love it. You give each other the nuclear codes.

[D]

Huh?

[A]

So you. You know, the things you could say to destroy him, to make him feel really bad and, you know, some things you can say to really lift his spirits and vice versa. Right.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So there. There is. There is an aspect where I can make my wife feel a certain way.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

But over the long haul, she's got to be responsible for, and I have to be responsible for. Why am I feeling the way I do and what part of my emotional reactions can I begin to control? I can't control those feelings. They just loop into my body. But I can say what must be true. Right. What can I own here?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

This guy's trying to make an amazing house. And if you find yourself saying, I just won't be comfortable here, I won't put in the work to become comfortable here, I'm going to always choose to look at this house not as just a bunch of sticks and bricks, but I'm going to look at this house as a symbol that you used to love somebody else. You can choose to look at it that way for the rest of your life.

[D]

Yeah, well, it's not gonna make me happy.

[A]

Nope. And by the way, y' all are going to sell that house, move somewhere else, and you're gonna go with you again.

[D]

Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah, that's true.

[A]

And so the big question is, what must be true for me to be okay in my own skin? And there's some very real, tangible things, like, I need to make sure we're financially secure. I want to be a part of the plan. I need to be able to tell you the things that make me nervous and scared. I need to be able to say, in my perfect world, you would have never married anybody else. You would have just known me, and you would have not built this amazing house with somebody. The thought of y' all leaning over the architectural plans of this house makes me want to throw up. And also, you get to choose whether you meditate on that or not. When that lightning bolt pops in your head, you get to decide, am I going to think through that? Am I going to spend time imagining her saying, oh, I want the wall here, and I. Or am I going to say not. I'm not having that conversation. This is my house now, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

We get to choose what we meditate on.

[D]

Yeah. I guess it's the practice itself that

[C]

I'm going to have to.

[D]

Have to keep trying to figure out how to do on the day to day.

[A]

Can I give you a couple of. Of just pretty simple, straightforward things.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I want you to make a daily practice and do this for 60 days, two months. Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I think we're at the very end of. Of March or the very beginning of April when we're filming this show. Right.

[D]

Mm.

[A]

June. By June 1st, here's what I want you to have. I want you to have a notebook by your bed.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

That has every single morning you wake up, three to four things you're grateful for.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Next, I Want you to write three or four things that you are grateful about him. And I want you to make this a daily practice where you tell him.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I then want you to write down three or four big, scary feelings you have, and then I want you to quickly look at those feelings and ask yourself two questions. Is it true? And can I do anything about it? So, for instance, I feel like this is not my house. Is that true? Like, legally? No, it's not true.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Can I do anything about that feeling? I'm gonna quit. Think I'm gonna quit looping on that thought. And I'm gonna every morning wake up and say, I'm so grateful. I got to wake up in this big, amazing, beautiful house. Big fear. He still keeps the pictures of his wedding in the basement. There's something you can do about it. Yeah, you could. You could sweat him out on that. You can say, I know you had another life before me, but I want no physical evidence to remain right. You could do that.

[D]

Yeah. I'm a burning slasher myself. I don't want to do that to him.

[A]

I mean, you can, but, like. But you can choose to be like, yeah, that's in. Actually in the basement. It's part of his. It's part of his old life. I'm part of his now life and his future.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

And my promise is if you. If you meditate on those things. Things that he does awesome for you, things that you do, awesome for him. If you begin to look down the road and fantasize is not. Not in a sexual way, but fantasize, like, about the life y' all are building together. And y' all are regularly talking about, how do you want this house to feel? What kind of life do you want to build together? Then your. Your default setting shifts from, this is all going away. This is all going away. This is all going away to look what we're building together. Thank you so, so much for the call. I'm really, really grateful. We come back, a woman asks how to convince her husband to redo their wedding. Nice. I can't wait. Hey, I want to talk to you about love for a second. And not the I'll never let go, Jack. I'll never. No, not this nonsense, Titanic kind of love. By the way, he could have fit on the door. We all know that. I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you with real action. I'm talking about taking care of people after you're gone. I'm talking about term life from Xander insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, you need term life insurance. I've used Xander for life insurance for years, long before I started this show. For one reason, I trust them when it comes to term life. Here's the deal. You need to get 10 to 12 times your income in coverage because that gives your family real protection. So if the unthinkable happens, your family can spend their time grieving and not worrying about where their next meal is going to come from. Zander makes buying term life insurance simple with clear guidance and honest support. They help you figure out just the right amount of coverage for you and your family. And then they shop all the top companies to find you the best price. Getting term life insurance is a way of saying I love you. Especially when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to Zander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and get term life insurance with Xander. That's Xander.com. all right, let's go out to Jenny in Minneapolis. What's up, Jenny from the block?

[C]

Hey, how's it going?

[A]

I'm doing great. How about you? Good.

[C]

I, you know, just a little nervous.

[A]

Oh, that's all. You're all good. I'm not very good at this job and you have nothing to be nervous about. What's up?

[C]

Oh, good. Well, I just had a quick question.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I want to redo our wedding and my husband's not 100% on board.

[A]

Why do you want to redo your wedding,

[C]

long and short of it? My sister in law ruined it. And. And every time I look at our wedding pictures, I just get that knot of anger.

[A]

How did she ruin it?

[C]

So we had a micro wedding and.

[A]

Hold on, I don't spend much time on social media. What's a micro wedding?

[C]

So think of like a small wedding but smaller. So we had like a dozen people.

[A]

Okay. All right. So super mini micro. Okay. All right. So we have a micro wedding. Okay.

[C]

And we asked everyone, please wear bright colors, everything. She showed up in her dress that she reserves for funerals. So all black with a black veil, a whole nine yards.

[A]

A black veil, black veil. Incredible. Why does she do that?

[C]

I honestly don't know. She was my best friend and I had completely had hope that she'd be like my maid of honor. But when I got engaged to my husband, she just, she just changed and she became very mean towards me and him. And you know, I sat down with her and had conversation like, you know, you're really important to me because at this point I've been listening to your show. I'm like, you're really important to me. I don't, I don't understand why, you know, what's going on? Did he say something? Did something go down? And she basically told me that, you know, I don't see any point in getting to know him because he's not going to be in my life or your life for that long, so what's the point of getting to know him?

[A]

I thought she was your sister in law.

[C]

She is so my brother's wife.

[A]

Okay. I thought it was your husband's sister. Okay. All right.

[C]

I wish so. And she told me that, you know, he was going to leave me, you know, two months after our baby was born and that I deserve to have a miscarriage and just all sorts of other things and.

[A]

Well, let, let me, let me, let me first say this. I was, I was, I misjudged this hard. And I was laughing at the beginning of this call. This isn't funny and I'm sorry.

[C]

No, it's okay.

[A]

It's not funny at all. Not funny at all. That's, that's, that's bad on me. I, I, I, I don't think you can do what you want. I don't think that the problem here is redoing your wedding is not going to take away the grief that you feel here. And it's seeing that wedding every time, like seeing your photos every time. I, I maybe don't put pictures up with her in them. Right. Or put pictures up with you and your husband up and that's it. And that's sad and that's frustrating, etc. But that's not going to take away the hole in your heart that you had a really close best friend that just went nuclear on you, said some awful, horrific things.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And redoing your wedding isn't going to help you grieve that loss. Right.

[C]

What do I do then?

[A]

I think healing looks like, can I look at pictures of my wedding and be sad, but not have my body run off into the woods on me with anger and rage and heartbreak? Can I write, can I write her a letter that I'm never going to mail her, but can I write her and say, you broke my heart,

[B]

I

[A]

treasured our friendship and you. And you spit in my face on a number of different counts. And I'm going to miss you and I wish you well, but I'm going to stop carrying you around like a cinder block in my life because I got a new baby, I got a new husband. I got. I got a new life. And you're also going to have to grieve the fact that you probably had a picture of you and your brother spending holidays together with Yalls families. And she blew that picture to smithereens.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And that stinks. It's heartbreaking because it's not only you lost your friendship, but you. In a way, you lost your brother too, Right?

[C]

Yeah. I mean, family gatherings, it's kind of like the Hatfields and McCoys.

[B]

It's.

[C]

Everyone takes a side.

[A]

Yeah. And it might put you in a position at some point to say, I'm not going to choose. I'm going to choose. Actually. What I'm going to choose is peace at holidays. And so I love you guys with all my guts. This woman wished me to have a miscarriage, and she wished my marriage to fail. And I'm just not gonna. I'm not gonna be around that. So I love you guys and I wish all the best.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

None of that's easy. But here's what I'm. I want you to do. This is you taking control of what's inside your chest. And I'm gonna stop handing it to her.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

She tried to ruin your wedding. She didn't have that kind of power anymore.

[C]

I don't know. Every time I just look at the pictures, I'm like, it was such a beautiful day. And it's like.

[A]

And it was. And what does it represent? Tell me about your marriage. Give me a few words about your marriage now.

[C]

Oh, my husband's just so amazing. He's such a hard worker.

[B]

And he, you know, he.

[C]

He's like, I don't feel like we need another wedding. We live our vows every day, you know?

[A]

You married a keeper, Jenny.

[C]

Yeah, I did.

[A]

And tell me about this. This little baby I can hear in the background.

[C]

This is our second.

[A]

Okay, so tell me about your first.

[C]

She is just a spitfire, you know, she just has so much personality.

[B]

And,

[C]

you know, every day she's just. Is wild and crazy and just keeps you on your toes.

[A]

I love it. And so sister in law doesn't get any of that anymore?

[B]

No.

[A]

Because that celebration y' all had on that day that she tried to ruin by showing up in a. Whatever dramatic fashion, it had no impact on how amazing your marriage is, how much your husband loves you to the moon and back. You're two amazing kids. And more to come. Like, she doesn't get a vote in her life anymore. Okay. And here's what this is. It's you saying, I'm not giving you that power over my life anymore.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Is there any. Is there any nagging question in the back of your mind of what did I do?

[C]

I mean, I. You know, I've written her letters multiple times, and I just. I just can't ever seem to, like, put it down. When I have the pictures of our wedding up, I just. I just go there again. And I'm like. I mean, I've cut her off in my life in almost every other conceivable way, but.

[A]

And know that I'm. I'm generally against people cutting each other off these days. It just happens so frequently. I'm super in support of this one. Okay. I support you on here. Here's what I want to challenge you with. We cannot stop the lightning bolt of feeling or of thought that shoots into our head or into our body. Okay. We can't. It just happens. It's our brain trying to protect us. Right. We can choose the moment after that on what we're going to meditate on. And so what I mean by that is you can walk by your house, be having a great day, see that picture and see her with, like, all these bright colors of just a few people. And see that one black dress. And the black, though, and you can laser right in on that. And you can then cascade down to, I can't believe she did that. I told her. And she. I can't believe she said. And you can do all of those things, and your body will go to war on your behalf. It'll flood you with adrenaline and corals. It'll be ready to rock and roll. And all you're. All you're doing in those moments is making a choice. I'm going to think about this. And not about this amazing baby I'm holding. Not about this amazing man I'm married to. Right. Because going down the exercise of. Because what. Here's what your body's trying to do. It never wants you to hurt like that again.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so it's going to keep bringing it up and bringing it up so that you remember this can't ever happen again. And all that's going to do is rob you of the beauty that you've got surrounded by you all the time right now. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And so it's like I had seasons when I'd walk through my house and I would yell out loud, no, I'm not thinking about that. I'm not going to have that story. I'm not. I'm not going to spend time on that story. I had to yell out loud to break myself of the habit.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

But I'm going to begin to practice. It's. It's literally think this. It's a practice. I'm gonna practice having two or three awesome things from that day to think about. Not just that she doesn't have that kind of power over me anymore. Okay. This is not easy. It's hard. It's real hard. And right when you think you've got it, she's gonna text you out of the blue.

[C]

That's why I'm like, maybe if we just redid it.

[A]

It won't.

[C]

It would just be a whole new memory.

[A]

It won't. It will be. You'll see that and be like, we had to do that again because of. And it would just go. I mean, it will compound the. Because you'll spend money, you'll take time, you'll go through the whole song and dance again, and that will not erase the original pain, which is a family member and a close best friend stabbed you right in the heart.

[C]

That's what my husband said. Yeah.

[A]

Husband's a smart guy. Sorry she did that.

[C]

I know. I just wish it was different.

[A]

Yeah, there we go. That's. That. That's. Grief is the gap between what we wanted to happen and what actually happened. And so we're going to say, I wish it was different, and it's not. So I get to choose what happens in this moment right now.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Have you tried the cinder block game that I used to give people back in the day?

[B]

No.

[A]

I know you've got babies and you've got kids in your house, but I want you to get a cinder block from Lowe's, have your husband pick one up on the way home. Or maybe he's got one.

[C]

He just got home.

[A]

Okay. Maybe he's got one in the back or something. I want you to get a cinder block and get a piece of duct tape and write her name on it. And then I want you to carry it around the house for a while. Just go around doing your regular life, your regular chores, your regular stuff, until that thing gets so stinking heavy, you can't. Literally can't carry anymore. And I want you to take it and throw it in the backyard or over your fence or put in the trunk of your car and take it somewhere and tear that duct tape off, throw it in the trash, and say out loud, I'm not carrying you anymore. And it's a. It's a touchstone for your body to go, no, no, I already set that down. So when the Thoughts come again. When you see the picture on the piano and all this, you're like, no, no, I already set that down. Because you have a. You physically set it down. And that exercise in and of itself won't just magically like, oh, it's all gone. It won't. But over time, it will be a touchstone. It will be an important moment. It will be like a miniature funeral of your friendship. I didn't want it to be like this, and it was. And so I'm setting this down forever. And now I'm going to be about thinking, about living into meditating on things that are good and right and beautiful and full of joy. Because life's got enough crap as it is. I'm not going to keep dragging back to somebody who tried to ruin my special day because, by the way, you didn't. My marriage rules. My kids are healthy and whole and they're firecrackers. And I love it. And I'm going to live in this moment and prepare for the one to come. No more living in the rearview mirror. Thanks for the call, sister. I'm on team Husband on this one. I don't think a new. A new wedding is going to wipe this one away. I think this one's on the inside and we have to heal from the inside out. Thanks for call, sister. We'll be right back. As the great Johnny Cash once sang, love is a burning thing. And you know what else is burning? The weather. It's hot outside now, and so all of my favorite poncho denims and flannels, boom. Going to the back of the closet. You know what's coming to the front of the closet? Poncho originals and my ultralights. Why? Because no matter what time of the year, I'm still wearing poncho. And poncho makes clothes for me to go outside where it's hot and remain cool and comfortable. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years because they're the best. They rule. And the original poncho shirt is a go anywhere performance shirt. It's lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying. It's built for fishing, it's built for yard work. And it's awesome enough to wear out to dinner with that special someone. And the ultralight. It's ultralight. That's why they call it that. Right? It's got a great fit and an even lighter feel. So when it's hot outside like it is right now in Tennessee, that matters. Poncho shirts have this amazing stretch to Them and they move with you. And even though they're light and soft, they're super tough. If the warmer weather, this hot weather, has you ready to reshuffle your closet, I want you to go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and check out all of their styles. You get 10 bucks off your first purchase if you sign up with your email. Go check them out. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly is gone. She's out of the booth. And Alex is producing the show today. Good to see you, Alex.

[E]

Good to see you.

[A]

All right, we're going to do a surprise for Kelly. This has never happened before, will never happen again, but all of us are just going to say, like one nice thing about Kelly. And I know that's a little bit of a mind bender coming from me, but she's pretty. Mostly. Mostly pretty great. So we'll start with you. Ben, go ahead. Me first, huh? Put me on the spot. Kelly is an incredibly fun and inviting person to be around, and she leads the team so well, partly because she makes people very comfortable and having a good time when they're working with Kelly. Well, that partly is because she takes shots starting like 9:30 in the morning. Oh, yeah. That's why she is super fun. Okay. Awesome. Alex, what do you think?

[E]

Kelly doesn't look as old as she actually is.

[A]

Amen. If you all knew the amount of AI dude, she was sobbing when they canceled Sora. Because so much of Kelly on the show that y' all see is AI. Um, but yeah, you're right. She does a good job hiding that age.

[E]

But to be. To be real, she's an incredible person to work with. She is such a good, like a good person to go to for really anything when it comes to the show and working with her, it's just.

[A]

It's.

[E]

It's makes. She makes it so easy to come up her and ask her things and get things changed. I feel like I can say whatever I want, honestly, and she's good with it and we can keep rolling. It's great.

[A]

So what do you think? Yeah, there's nobody that actually cares about the team and the audience as much as Kelly. She.

[C]

The.

[A]

The amount of work she puts into the show and the crew to really make sure we're serving each other and serving our audience well. It's. It's impressive. It's awesome. And I guess I will end the show with something that I think is awesome about. No. Mia. Oh, Mia. Mia. I didn't see you behind screens over there. This is crazy. Wow. What do you think, Mia? Wow.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I mean, Kelly is so thoughtful. She'll leave me notes on my desk. She left a little Christmas gift on my desk, and she comes in with, like, cookies and treats. She loves to bake for us. So I really admire, like, how thoughtful and intentional she is.

[A]

Dude, that's awesome. So to everyone listening, contrary to what I say all the time, she actually is a really caring person. She never directs that care towards me, but she does direct it towards all of these amazing men and women. So, Kelly, shout out. We're glad you're in our gang. And we really, really hope that. I was gonna say it. I'm not gonna say it.

[C]

Love you guys.