My Husband Won’t Fire His Mistress

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show – Episode Summary

Episode Title: My Husband Won’t Fire His Mistress
Date: May 1, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode is a raw, caller-driven conversation exploring deep marital, relational, and mental health challenges. Dr. John Delony welcomes three callers facing significant family issues: Simone, whose husband will not dismiss an employee with whom he had an affair; Anna, struggling with resentment in her marriage due to unmet sexual expectations; and Michelle, seeking guidance to support her son after her ex-husband’s infidelity and resulting family complications.
Dr. Delony’s tone is honest, compassionate, and direct, aiming to spotlight tough truths and empower callers to face decisions with clarity and self-worth.

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Key Segments and Insights

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1. Simone’s Story: Betrayal, Boundaries, and Taking Action

[00:05 – 15:26]

Background

• Simone has been married for 33 years (retired military husband, 5 adult kids).
• Discovered her husband (then 55) was having an affair with a 20-year-old employee who started working for them at age 15.
• The affair began after the young woman became their tenant in the house next door.
• Simone demanded her husband fire the woman and set a firm boundary in therapy: the marriage would not progress unless the affair partner was removed from their life.

Challenges & Dr. Delony’s Response

• Husband’s Defense: Claims employee is “integral” to the business; refuses to fire her.
• Breach of Trust: Simone feels stuck, clinging to hope for change that never comes.

Dr. Delony:
"You laid down your boundary and he stepped over it, brought her with him and nothing for 36 or 40 months has changed." [06:22]

• Powerful Analogy:

  "A hurricane blew your house down and you’re still sleeping in the shell… trying to pretend this thing still has a roof on it. And you get mad every time you get wet when it rains." [06:41]

• Dr. Delony insists Simone confront reality: her husband has prioritized the affair partner and business over the marriage.

• Simone reveals: She asked for separation three weeks ago. Husband began business sale negotiations with family and a broker—without Simone, who is a 50% owner.

• Dr. Delony frames this as a clear, businesslike exit. Simone has hired an attorney and is advised to let legal counsel handle the conflict.

Dr. Delony:
"If I was in your exact shoes, I would get off this call and call an attorney." [11:35]
"He doesn't care. He made his choice. And that should break your heart. It breaks mine." [12:42]

Emotional Impact & Advice

• Dr. Delony encourages Simone to lean on close friends—not her children—for support in the difficult season ahead.
• He urges her to accept her self-worth and envision a new future, even if it feels overwhelming.

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2. Anna’s Story: Intimacy, Disappointment, and Communication

[17:47 – 32:15]

Background

• Anna grew up religious, abstained until marriage, built up sexual expectations.
• Her marriage and sex life did not match her hopes. Husband rarely initiates, prioritizes other activities over intimacy.
• Anna feels undesired, resentful, and wonders if she’s to blame, struggling with the belief that she “could have had fun in her 20s” if this was the outcome.

Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Frames Anna’s disappointment as common among religious upbringings where sex is idolized but poorly discussed.
• Notes the "spiral" where women blame themselves for lack of husband’s desire.

Dr. Delony:
"What I find most of the time is that when people start planning [sex] and they get structured about how they are planning ... the magic starts to happen on its own." [28:12]

Actionable Advice

• Encourages open, "story I’m making up" communication, rather than accusations, to draw the husband into honest conversation.
• Recommends practical tools: scheduling intimacy, using the “erotic envelope” exercise (each writes down fantasies/challenges, draws randomly and tries them without judgment).
• Emphasizes the need for tactile, concrete clarity, not just emotional appeals.

Dr. Delony:
"Curiosity is an invitation...show him curiosity rather than judgment." [31:32]

• Provides Anna with access to the “Together” app to strengthen her relationship through small, regular acts of connection.

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3. Michelle’s Story: Supporting Kids through Parental Infidelity

[37:05 – 51:40]

Background

• Michelle (from Austin) and her ex-husband have amicably co-parented since divorce. Both remarried and blended families.
• Ex-husband had an affair with the wife's roommate/best friend ("aunt" to the kids); this relationship, the breakup, and the new pregnancy all played out visibly for their children.
• Michelle’s 12-year-old son is especially angry at his father, who is not receptive to criticism from his son.

Dr. Delony’s Advice

• Key Guidance:

  • Always prioritize the children's safety.
  • Never lie to children, but also never denigrate the other parent (as "half of him is you and half is that guy").
  • Validate all emotions: “There are no bad feelings, only actions that can be unhelpful.”

    "You can tell him, I want to hear about what you're mad about." [40:29]

  • Utilize journaling, voice notes, or letters to help sons process complex feelings—spoken or written—at their own pace.

• Regarding Therapy:
  If traditional talk therapy isn't working, keep seeking a therapist comfortable with teenage boys, who can build trust without pressure.

• Supporting Anger:

  • Let boys have their anger as long as it isn’t destructive.
  • Contextualize dad’s behavior (“His feelings might be too big for him to talk right now”) but don’t excuse it.

• Special Risk:
  Divorce, family chaos, and reduced parental presence significantly increase risk for adolescent boys (substance abuse, mental health issues). Dr. Delony stresses minimizing screen time and internet exposure, and maximizing positive adult male influences (coaches, mentors, youth leaders).

Dr. Delony:
“He wants some nervous system regulation and the adults in his life won’t give it to him. That's disorienting for a child." [49:34]

• On Relationships & Mentoring:
  Find community mentors and ensure her son understands he is liked, seen, and valuable, despite the chaos around him.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dr. Delony to Simone:
  • "Your husband has made his decision." — [08:30]
  • "Behavior is a language...it's very, very clear." — [07:45]
• Dr. Delony to Anna:
  • "The story I’m making up is you’re not into me.” — [30:04]
  • “Curiosity is an invitation…show him curiosity rather than judgment.” — [31:32]
• Dr. Delony to Michelle:
  • "There are no bad feelings, there are unhelpful responses.” — [40:29]
  • “He wants some nervous system regulation and the adults in his life won’t give it to him." — [49:34]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Simone’s Marital Crisis: 00:05 – 15:26
• Anna’s Bitterness & Sexual Resentment: 17:47 – 32:15
• Michelle’s Parenting Challenge: 37:05 – 51:40

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Episode Takeaways

• Draw hard boundaries and act when they’re repeatedly crossed.
• Communicate needs through curiosity, not accusation, especially with emotionally charged issues.
• Support children through family upheaval by giving them tools to process emotions, never shaming their anger, and ensuring strong, stable mentors are present.
• Accept what cannot be changed, and gather your support system for inevitable seasons of transition and grief.

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This episode blends tough love with practical, actionable steps, aiming to equip listeners and callers to face life’s hardest moments with courage, clarity, and compassion.

Transcript

[Simone]

I caught him having an affair with one of our employees. He would wait till I would go to bed, and he would sneak over there, and we. We bought the house next door to us, and we rented it out to her. And that's when things changed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up, what up? What up? This is John with a Dr. DeLoney show coming to you live from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls on your mental health, your emotional health, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. There's a lot. A lot of noise out there, and this show is designed to cut through that noise and actually have you pull up a seat and let's figure out together what's the next right move. For more than two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people of all kinds, shapes and sizes, different kinds of folks, trying to figure out, okay, what are we going to do now? And that's. That's what we do in the show. You call in and we pull up a seat. I'll pull up a seat with you, and we'll figure it out together. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia, and talk to Simone. Hey, Simone. What's up?

[Simone]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Simone]

Well, I've had a rough couple years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. What's going on?

[Simone]

So we, My husband and I, we've been married for 33 years. He's retired military. We have five kids together. They're all adults. Three. Just a little over three years ago, I caught him having an affair with one of our employees. At the time, she was 20 and he was 55.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Whoa.

[Simone]

And. Yeah, well, she'd been working for us since she was 15.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Simone]

And there was. There was nothing going on when she was young. I. I know that for a fact.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Simone]

It pro. So I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But can I. Can I say this? That is, if you've known somebody since you're 15, and that would have put you guys in your early to mid-40s. There is very much a mentor, mentee. And not to be gross about it, but there. There is very much a son or daughter, niece or nephew relationship that forms, Right?

[Simone]

A hundred percent, Yeah. A hundred percent. Yes. So we kind of treated her like a daughter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Simone]

Because, I mean, she. She was the same age as, you know, our kids, basically.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's the nature of your business?

[Simone]

It's a bakery.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So y' all are in pro. In close proximity. Y' all are. I mean, it's a pretty tight knit crew, huh?

[Simone]

Oh, yeah. We. We at that particular shop, we still have some of the original employees that were there since we've opened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right.

[Simone]

Yeah. So we, we bought the house next door to us and we rented it out to her. And that's when things changed. And I, I, I was getting up at 3 o' clock in the morning to go work at the other business. And so I was going to bed at 7:30 at night and he would wait till I would go to bed and he would sneak over there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry.

[Simone]

And I, I found, I found text messages. Yeah, he would, he would go over there and cook her dinner. And I, when I found out, I, I took a week to kind of gather information just to kind of see if what I, what I really was seeing was true. And of course, when I confronted him about it, I swear nothing happened. I was just going over there. We were watching movies and this and that and, you know, I mean, the text message messages that I found that were deleted, but not, they were in his deleted folder.

[Michelle]

They were deleted.

[Simone]

Deleted. I have all of them. I mean, you can't read these text messages and think that they were just watching movies.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Simone]

So after a couple weeks of, you know, the initial impact and the anger and the, and the yelling and the fighting, I told him, I said, if you want to fix this, you have to find a therapist. And he said he would. And so probably six weeks go by and he hadn't found one yet. So I found the therapist and in therapy we came up with a plan to get rid of her. And he was on board with that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To fire her? Right.

[Simone]

Well, we, we had to be really careful about how we did it because of the stupid thing that he did while she was a tenant. So we had to be really careful with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm just saying, Kelly listens to a lot of murder podcasts, so when you say we had to get rid of her, I'm just saying, like, okay, we had to, we had to get her out of our life. Right. Not bury her in the yard. Okay, all right. Good, good, good. Okay.

[Simone]

In therapy, I told him our relationship, this, as far as our relationship will go. This was my boundary. This is as far as our relationship will go until she's out of her life. And that's perfectly reasonable. So here we are almost three and a half years later, and the words he uses, she still works for us. The words he uses is she's integral to running the business.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let me, let me hop in here. Okay.

[Simone]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't care about what he's doing right now. I don't care about what this. Now 23 year old, 24 year old woman is doing. Why are you still here?

[Simone]

Because I guess I keep holding on to something that probably isn't going to happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not going to. Because you, because you laid down your boundary and he stepped over it, brought her with him and nothing for 36 or 40 months has changed.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Simone]

I, I know, I see that. I, I know. It's 33 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. No, I'm, I'm not taking this lightly. Okay. I, I, I, I understand. It's, it's the way I would, I would say. It is like this. A hurricane blew your house down and you're still sleeping in the shell that was once your bedroom. Trying to pretend this thing still has a roof on it. And you get, now you're getting mad every time you get wet when it rains.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

None of this other action is going to happen. He's looked you in the eye and said, I care more about having her around. I care more about this bakery than I care about you.

[Simone]

That, that's exactly. He's, he, he, he justifies it by saying, we need employees and she's the best employee that we have and I can't get rid of her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then he's, then he's, then he is saying with like impressive clarity, yeah, I care more about this than you.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I care more about this than our marriage. Period. End of story.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

End of story.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that she worked there the day after, the fact that y' all still had her in this house, like all of that A, is madness. That B, behavior is a language. It's very, very clear. And so I hate to, I hate to. And again, if we had longer together, I would, I would give you this much, much, much more gently. Right. But the only person in the world you can control is you.

[Simone]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if you want to settle for this arrangement, I'll, I'll still take your call. I'll still be your friend, I'll still sit with you. But you choosing to get mad about it is a choice to be miserable in the arrangement that you're choosing.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because your husband's made his, Made his decision.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you choose, I'm worth more than this. Never in a million, billion years did I see this going to be the back half of my life. And that the, the wild thing for me in these kind of situations is always this, the thing he thinks he's protecting his quote unquote business, Yalls business is about to get sold and divided in half. Or he's about to have to write a Huge check, including net present value into the future to you.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So his precious business is about to get blown up anyway.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the fact that he won't maneuver like do the right thing around. Anyway, long story short, here we are, right? So the choice you have to make is do I want to stay married under this set of circumstances or do I value myself worth. Do I think I'm worth more than that?

[Simone]

Yeah. Well, I told him I wanted a separation three weeks ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Simone]

And what he did next is have a business meeting with his sister and brother in law and a local business broker about selling the businesses without me present.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you a co owner of the business?

[Simone]

Oh, I'm 50% owner, yeah. Then here, when I, when I confronted him about it, he said, well, I have to protect myself.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So say back to me what is actually happening here.

[Simone]

So his sister and brother in law.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. Don't, don't, don't complicate it with other people. What did he just tell you?

[Simone]

He, he told me that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, beneath his words, he's out.

[Simone]

He's out for himself and nobody else.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Game on. So I like to say, when somebody initiates divorce, whether they put the paper down, they say I'm gonna file, they say this is over, they say I'm out from to. I've got to protect myself now. Then everything that happens afterwards is a business transaction. Dividing the house, selling the cars, pulling out of 401ks, all of that stuff, dividing business assets. It's a business transaction. And what I am afraid is happening to you is he is amassing. He is amassing troops at the border and you're still trying to hang on to the relationship.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that he thinks he's protecting himself by doing something in violation of your business agreement, he can't sell that business without you. You're a 50% owner.

[Simone]

I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The fact that he would have meetings and try to figure out what's the value of this thing without you, without me present. Yeah, I'm, I'm telling you I can't tell you what to do. I'm telling you, if I was in your exact shoes, I would get off this call and call an attorney.

[Simone]

I called an attorney yesterday.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good for you. Good for you. And how did the conversation go?

[Simone]

Well, she told me the exact same thing you did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I think for you it's hiring an attorney and letting the attorney do her job, which is to be an assassin on your behalf to advocate for you in a season that's about to get real, real ugly for your spirit. You're going to go into a deep, like season of grief.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've been grieving for a long time. Just telling the story from three and a half years ago. It's like it happened yesterday. I could hear it on you.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Simone]

Well, she, because she's, she's, she's a constant reminder. She's there all the time. And every, every time I see her or something happens and it'll be a trigger and it'll bring me right back to that and I can't. He doesn't understand that with her there,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

let me change it. He doesn't care.

[Simone]

Yeah, he doesn't care.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He doesn't care. He made his choice.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that should break your heart. It breaks mine.

[Anna]

It does.

[Simone]

It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And by the way, all of his text messages with her that have happened since the quote unquote affair ended, did he ever admit to anything?

[Simone]

Oh, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All of that, all of it will be in discovery.

[Simone]

Oh, I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The signal messages, the WhatsApp message, all that's going to come up. The, the Facebook messages, the, the fake, the Instagram, they call them the fake Instagram profiles where people make and then they communicate. All that will come out in discovery. The emails, all of it. The bonuses, the extra money, all of that will come out.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so let your attorney do their job.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, sounds like you already got it from your attorney. But this is what's happening. He is exiting this business. He's exiting your, his relationship with you.

[Simone]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm so, so sorry.

[Simone]

I knew, I mean, I knew this is what I was going to hear, but I guess sometimes you have to hear it from other people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just a neutral knucklehead on, on sitting here in Tennessee.

[Michelle]

Right?

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I, I, I, I, I've had the opposite where two people are running a business together, one of them sleeps with a young coworker and they are willing to burn the business to the ground in order to rebuild their marriage.

[Simone]

Well, he, I don't, I don't, I just don't understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I, you won't be able to understand it because it's, it's an irrational act.

[Simone]

Yeah, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So trying to put together the math problem. What did I do? What could I have done? It. You, you're going to spend time there because you're a human being and we all spend time there. That's the way we're wired up our bodies Want us to figure out what happens so this kind of hurt doesn't ever happen again. But I'll tell you, it's a. It's a fruitless exercise because, Yeah, it's a fruitless exercise. You're not going to be able to figure out why he did what he did. You just have to deal with the fact that a hurricane came and blew your house down. And now we got to find another place to live, and we got to figure out how to rebuild what we got. And it might mean you imagining a totally new future for yourself where you move in with one of your kids across the country for a season, where you find yourself in an apartment. Never thought that would happen. Where he signs the house over to you, and now you have this big empty house next door to this where this woman still lives.

[Michelle]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, you get to decide all that. And that will feel overwhelming. So in. In addition to an attorney, I also want you to get a couple of girlfriends in your life that are good friends that you can. And don't dump it on your kids, but a couple of friends in your life that you can tell everything to everything and. And tell them you are. You're going to be my eyes in the sky. You're going to be my wisdom during this really dark season ahead. So sorry you're going through this, Mom. It breaks my heart when somebody chooses anything other than their ride or die relationship, their marriage. I'm so sorry. We come back, a woman wants to know how can she stop being bitter because she feels like her husband ruined their sex life? All right, I'm not gonna lie. My house, it rules. We've got all kinds of rad stuff in there. Guitar stuff, hunting stuff, really cool art projects that my wife and my daughter are into. And we have more band T shirts in our house than we know what to do with. But my house is also filled with Cozy Earth gear. Why? Cause it rules. Sheets, pajamas, blankets, towels, socks. We've got it all. And I love it. One of the things I love is this Cozy Earth comforter. It's big, and somehow it's not hot or heavy. It's like a cloud. And I get real hot when I sleep. And I still love this thing. It helps regulate temperature so I stay comfortable throughout the night and sleep better. And I wake up feeling restored. And I got these Cozy Earth Essential socks. Not gonna lie, they're the best. Cozy Earth Essential Socks come in four links, and they're all super comfortable. Listen, cozy earth offers 100 night sleep trial and all bedding and a 10 year warranty on everything else, so there's no risk. Try Cozy Earth for you and your home. Go to cozyearth.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney and you'll save up to 20% off your entire order. That's cozyearth.com DeLONEY and use code Deloney. And if you get a post purchase survey, tell Cozy Earth you heard about their amazing gear right here. Trust me, you're gonna love Cozy Earth taking over your home too. All right, let's go out to Seattle, one of the last few remaining people living in Seattle and talk to Anna. Hey, Anna. What's up?

[Anna]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good to talk to you.

[Simone]

You too.

[Anna]

Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it. What's up?

[Anna]

Well, the question that I have is going to sound extremely harsh, but bring it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You should hear how Kelly talks to me. You're good. Bring it.

[Anna]

I feel like I should say what I'm feeling and not just some platitude. So how do I help the bitterness and resentment that's growing toward. In me, towards my husband for. I feel like ruining sex for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How is he ruining sex for you?

[Anna]

Okay, so background.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. You were like, okay, let's do this.

[Anna]

I grew up very religious.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

Very religious. No fun things in the bedroom until marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So you didn't sleep with anybody else until you got married.

[Michelle]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

Met my husband, now husband, at 27, married at 30. So a long time. A long time. And awesome. And while I absolutely adore him and I think he is wonderful, a wonderful person, when we got married, it was, it just was not at all what

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you'd built it up to be.

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Anna]

And it still isn't, I feel like. And I'm, I've, I've talked to him about it. And my thing is our honeymoon was. Felt like a vacation. It didn't feel like a honeymoon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it?

[Anna]

What does that mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does that mean?

[Anna]

That means that I had to initiate a lot of the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

That means that he initiated maybe once in the whole honeymoon. And I feel like he was more concerned about booking pool time and, you know, sightseeing than he was with the point of the honeymoon, in my opinion.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Anna]

And that carried when we got home, of course that carried on. It only kind of became a little bit more stagnant. And that aggression, that lust, that passion isn't there. And I've had to initiate a lot, way more than I really want to. And I don't feel desired anymore. And this is going to sound so Stupid, but nothing you're saying. I've been having these thoughts where it's like, if this was what it was going to be, I could have been having fun in my 20s.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. That's not, that's not stupid at all. Not even a ton.

[Anna]

Okay. I could have been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't beat yourself up.

[Michelle]

What was the point?

[Anna]

What was the point if, If I was just going to have a regular, normal, boring marriage, marital sex life that I could have been. I could had fun while I. I had time, you know? And as horrible as that sounds, and it's how I feel, I don't think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think it sounds horrible. I don't think it sounds horrible. It makes sense. But I think there's something deeper than this. And tell me if I'm crazy. Okay? I'm super okay with being wrong. In religious communities especially. This is a cultural story at large. But it's especially like it's talked about a ton in religious communities. A sex is put on this, especially intercourse is put on this pedestal. This is this pinnacle thing that will change your life. And women never want it and guys always do. And I've heard this probably 25, 000 times. That's not even an exaggeration, I don't think from women getting into, especially women in religious who grew up in religious context. And when their husband is tired or wants to go to bed or doesn't have the libido they expected, they look in the mirror and go, it must be me. What's wrong with me? Why am I not desired? And that starts a spiral that gets really hard to get a hold of. Is there any of that going on in your home?

[Anna]

That is correct. All of that is right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So often when that spiral begins, the way we try to get out of those spirals is through grenades, which is you don't ever. Why don't you. It was supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be like that. And if anybody is getting grenades thrown at them, what they're going to do is act like a rational and a rational response, which is run away from those grenades or they're going to pick them up and try to throw them back. And so the challenge is, how do we stop this spiral that we're on. What's so bad about me? Why don't you desire me? Why don't you want me? And how can we put that on the table in a vulnerable, scary way? Because we already feel like we're an exposed raw nerve as it is.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When you say or Let me even ask you. Do you say you never initiate, or do you say. Or do you ask what makes you feel desired? Like, if we were going to create an ethos of. Of. Of sex and romance and. I love your words. Aggression, lust in our house. This has been building up for me for 30 years. What must be true for you?

[Anna]

Am I. This is me asking him this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Have you ever asked him that?

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Simone]

Yes, I.

[Anna]

Cause here's what happens. You're right about the grenades. Here's what happens. I try to. We did a lot of premarital counseling. Of course. I did a lot of church growing up. So I tried to do this the Christian way.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Anna]

I tried to sit him down and say, hey, you know, and just was like, you know, and use all those words and communicate effectively. And he does the whole. What are you talking about? No. What do you mean? You're sexy. No. You know, and he does that. And then a week goes by and I. Hey. And then he does the same thing.

[Michelle]

What do you know?

[Anna]

And then he's telling me that it's not what it is, and then I blow up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What does he say it is?

[Anna]

And then he's. He has a lot of excuses. He says, I stressed out at work. He's had the same job since I've known him, you know. And that didn't stop you from trying to get with me sooner, right?

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Anna]

And he says it. Gets stressed.

[Michelle]

He's tired.

[Anna]

He says tired a lot, which is funny because, you know, we watch a lot of TV and we get home 9 to 5 like everybody else, you know, he's not working 16 hour shifts here. And he gets home and we make, you know, we eat and there's a lot of downtime, and weekends are open. We do a lot of things together on the weekends, and a lot of it is, you know, our activities, we normally do, but then the sun goes down and all of a sudden it's too late. I'm tired, you know, and all this stuff. And so a lot of it's tired. A lot of it. He says he's stressed out, and then he's like, well, you could initiate. I'm like, I've been initiating.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Anna]

You know, I've been. I've been. I don't want it. He's like, what's wrong with you initiating? Like, nothing. But I just thought that you would be, you know, I just thought it would be a tit for, you know, like you would do sometimes, and I would do it sometimes, and not just me, you know, and And I hate to say it. It's boring when it does happen. It's just like, okay, well, so have you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever heard me talk about pictures and words? Because I'm hearing that a lot here.

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you had a very clear picture of what you wanted your honeymoon to. To be, and he clearly had a very clear picture of what he wanted his honeymoon to be. The problem is, y' all both use the word honeymoon, and there wasn't a conversation about, hey, I have this picture of honeymoon that I'm going to have to go replace all of my clothes because they're not going have any buttons on them because you're going to be ripping them off my body. And he didn't sit down and say, I haven't had a vacation in five years or whatever. I'm just making that up. And I see this honeymoon after planning a wedding with you, and you were a bit much in that. I'm just kidding. I don't know if you were or

[Anna]

not, but I was. I was.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I had a whole. Like, I'm looking at. I am looking at this as a time to spend time with my new wife just by the pool. Y' all didn't have that conversation?

[Simone]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he's sitting there trying to live into his picture of the honeymoon, and you're trying to live into your picture in your honeymoon. And you'll keep using the word honeymoon, and y' all fly past each other, and you get mad and resentful of each other. He's like, dude, leave me. What. What is it about me that you don't like? And you're sitting there in a Nikan with a negligee on that you've been wanting to put on for 20 years, and you're like, why doesn't. What is it about me that he doesn't like?

[Michelle]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the challenge y' all are missing here. You've used the word I feel, I feel. I feel. I feel a lot. This sounds so unromantic because how. And Hollywood lied to us in a major way. But there is a level of tactile strategy, clarity that has to happen here. And the real question is, do you want to have wild, fun sex in your marriage and plan it, or do you want to have none and be frustrated and miserable? And what I find most of the time is that when people start planning it and they get structured about how they are planning, and I'll walk you through what that looks like in real life, then the magic starts to happen on its own. In many Cases. Okay, here's what I mean by that.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Starting this week, honey, I want us to put sex on the calendar. Three nights. Monday, Wednesday, Friday. Is that how you drew it up as a. A 19 year old, like, turning a guy down who's trying to sleep with you in college? Nope. But that's where we are. Monday night, I'm going to initiate. Wednesday night, I want you to start at 10am sending me really gross, like off the wall text about what you're going to do to me tonight. And then when I get home, here's what I would love. I would love you to pretend you are fill in the blank. And then he. And then Friday night is going to be, I don't know, dealership. I'm just making something up. We're going to pull something from the erotic envelope and whatever it says, we're going to try it out. But the problem is, every answer he gives, you call it an excuse. And I can imagine. And I'm making this up. Right? But I imagine he feels like he's sitting in a failure factory. I can't do any of this stuff right. You get what I'm saying?

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know at the, at the deepest level here, there's that awful scary question of why doesn't he want me? Like, I thought he was going to.

[Anna]

I just, it's just like, you know, obviously I've only been with him, but he's had a past. You know, he's recovering. You know, he found Jesus about 5 so years ago and then we met and got married. But. And he, you know, he didn't tell me about all the gory details of his past relationships. But from what I, from what I picked up, it's like, why do they get that version of you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you asked them? Have you asked him that?

[Anna]

Yes, I've asked him. I feel like I get what's left.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want to flip around how you. I want to flip around how you ask that though. Okay? I want you to sit down with him and say, the story I'm making up is you don't. You're not into me. Behavior is a language and I'm seeing it and I'm feeling it. The story I'm making up is all these other women in your past got the wild, fun version of you, and I get the tired, exhausted version of you. The story I'm making up is there's something at my core that's not desirable about me because I'm here and I want to be with you five nights a week. Seven nights a week, and you'd rather watch tv? That's the story I'm making up. And let him respond to the stories you are making up versus the accusations, the grenade you're throwing at him. Okay? So I want you to take ownership of the stories you're making up, because right now you're coming at him with a lot of judgment and not a lot of curiosity. And judgment shuts people down or it brings up their fist. Curiosity is an invitation, okay? And I would come with some. And you might have already done this. Some real clarity, like, maybe even hold up an outfit and say, I want the buttons to be ripped off of this. Or I want you to dress up in a suit and pretend to be a businessman, and I want to be your wife that's missed you on your trip.

[Michelle]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm just making stuff up off top of my head here. But give him a picture of what you're picturing. Let him into your picture. And if you say things like all you do is watch tv, he's going to go, no, I don't. I do these other things, too. If you say, the story I'm making up is your TV show is more important than having sex with me, then he gets to. He's invited into your story that you've made up, and then he gets to answer himself. You get what I'm saying?

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you all tried the erotic envelope system?

[Anna]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I should have put a patent on it. It's the greatest idea I've ever had. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to go to Walgreens and get a box of envelopes for, like, 99 cents or whatever. Or with inflation, they're probably 114 now. I don't know. I haven't bought them in a while. And I want you all to get some note cards. That's about two bucks. Okay? And I want you to. Each of you write five to ten things that you want to try in the bedroom on one of those note cards and commit to once a week, twice a week, three times, I don't care. Five times. I don't do it every day. I don't care. But commit to. On these nights, we're going to randomly pull one of the things out, and whatever's on there, we're going to give it the old college try. And if. If we look at this and it's not. We don't. I don't know how it's physiologically possible. Here's the thing. We're not going to judge it. We're not going to go, oh, that's disgusting or that's crazy. I would never do that. We're going to say, wow, what about this is a turn on for you? And often that conversation, I'm in charge all day long and I just don't want to be in charge when I get home in the bedroom. Or I'm never get to be in charge and I have this, this fantasy about coming in and taking control or you saying, I know I'm your wife and I know that word is triggering for a lot of men, but I want you to come take me. Like I'm giving you permission. And here's what take me looks like, right? And so some of those conversations have people have reported back to me are the most intimate, fun, like heart rate going quick, like whatever, like conversations any couple can have together. And by the way, the beauty of them is what you're into and what you like and what you don't like will change over time. Same with him. So you're always getting to know a new person. It's like you are always continually dating and finding out, how can I see you and know you better? Here's what I'm going to hook you up with. I'm going to hook you up, Anna. I'm going to send you the Together app for you and him and what this is. Think of it as a way that y' all can do a thing for each other every day. And by the way, there's some great sex stuff in there later on if you will comp complete some of the earlier challenges. But it's a thing y' all can do every day towards each other. And it encourages y' all to have conversations together and encourages y' all to celebrate each other and to do one small thing towards each other every day. And it brings up more and more and more conversations that brings you together from the inside out. And so hang on the line. I'm going to hook you and your husband up with that for free for a year. And y' all start using this thing today. And you're going to think, but that's not in the bedroom to get started, I'm going to say I know exactly. Because almost all sex, sex starts way outside the bedroom. Way, way outside the bedroom. Thanks for the call. You're not crazy. Nothing wrong with you. I hate to say it this way, but this is a common issue for folks who just get married. It's about saying, I'm going to be with you and I want to have as much great sex as possible. Let's do this thing together. We come back, a woman asks how to support her sons after their dad cheated on their stepmom and got his new girlfriend pregnant. Jerry. Jerry. All right, let's talk about Helix mattresses. For years, I thought sleep was for losers, and of course, I crashed. It's nonsense. Sleep is critical to everything you do in your life. When you're exhausted, everything feels heavier, harder, more complex. Deep sleep is when your brain resets and when your body does all the work to clean out the junk so that you can be ready to rock and roll the next day, the next week, the next month, and for the rest of your life. When I finally started taking my sleep seriously, literally everything in my life changed for the better. And one of the big things that helped me with my sleep was switching to a Helix mattress. I've had mine for a couple of years now, and I track my sleep. And Helix has made a huge difference, especially in my deep sleep and in my REM sleep. Helix can make a difference in how you sleep, too. Go online and take their sleep quiz. It takes like two minutes and they're going to match you with the mattress that works perfectly for how you actually sleep. It ships straight to your door and you get 120 night sleep trial and it's backed by a limited lifetime warranty. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 20 off site wide during their spring savings event. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney for 20 off. And be sure to tell Helix that you heard about their incredible mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, five, one, two. Let's go out to Austin and talk to well, well, well, my Michelle. Hey, Michelle, what's up?

[Michelle]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks for taking my call today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You bet. What's going on?

[Michelle]

So I the question, it's not the funnest situation I've ever been in, so I'll give you some background. My ex husband and I divorced about six years ago. We got married, managed to be very adult about the divorce, find friendship. We both remarried, had more kids with our partners, so on and so forth. We were at a point at one section of our co parenting relationship where he lived far away and he would like come sleep over so he could see the kids. But about a year ago that kind of fell apart because it came out that he was cheating with he and his wife's roommate at the time who was also a best friend and an aunt. To my kids, obviously that blew up. She moved out. But my kids got to witness for the last year, essentially this back and forth of am I going to stay married, am I going to go be with her, so on and so forth. And as much as I tried to shield them from that, I can only control what goes on in my house.

[Anna]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So are you and him not friends anymore?

[Michelle]

We're still friendly. Yeah. I don't have an issue with him so much as my 12 year old in particular is really angry at his dad and his dad is not receptive to hearing any negativity about his choices, especially in his words from a child. So I'm wondering how do I support my 12 year old in this sticky situation where he loves everybody involved, but

[Dr. John DeLoney]

he's 12, you know, and in this case, he's right.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Yeah, agreed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is hard.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think there's a couple things here. One, we're always, always going to default to our kids safety. And so if they're an unsafe or volatile situation, it might be, hey, we need to, I, I'm, I want to do this cordially first and I'll go to court if I have to, but yeah, they need to spend more time with me right now. Why this is.

[Michelle]

And we did that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The second thing is, is never, ever, ever lie.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we're not going to defend dad. We're not going to be like, well, not really. This happened. Your son's seen it and experienced it and more importantly for a 12 year old, he's felt it.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The third thing we're never going to do is we're never going to run down dad. Your dad sucks. Your dad did this to me too. He's this kind of guy. Because your 12 year old son acutely knows half of him is you and half of him is that guy. And so if we run him down, we're running our 12 year old down.

[Simone]

No, true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so go ahead, go ahead.

[Michelle]

I was just gonna say, and I listen to your show a lot, so I've tried to really embody awesome. Those things. I've also tried to get him in counseling and he refuses to participate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure, that's cool.

[Michelle]

Literally had three counselors walk him out and say he won't talk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's cool. Well, and that's, that means they're not great therapists. I mean, that means they're not. Anyway, I could have my own complaints about that. But here's what I would say is fourth. And for you, it sounds like you're Doing a great job. Here's the big one. There's no bad feelings.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's no wrong feelings. And so you can tell them. I want to hear about what you're mad about. Yeah, I'd love to just hear from you. Most 12 year olds won't talk to you, especially 12 year old boys.

[Anna]

Awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what they will do about that? If you give him a spiral notebook and put it on his bed and ask him to write in it and put it on your bed when he's done, before he goes to school.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as a 12 year old when he's leaving. Have you brushed your teeth? Yes. Have you put on deodorant?

[Anna]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you put the spiral on my bed? No. And what it will give you is a lifeline to what's going on inside of him.

[Michelle]

And some days dyslexic and he struggles with writing. So I've done kind of a voice note version.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect.

[Michelle]

Like you can say whatever you want and send it to me in a voice note or you can have five minutes and as much as I hate it. Curse as much as you want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Let it rip and just get it out of your body.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's gonna go through a season of I hate that man because that man blew up my life again.

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's gonna go through a season of. And. And who knows, despite all of the things on the outside, you and I both know nobody knows what's going on inside that house. Who knows what was going on with his ex, with his new ex wife? Who knows any of who knows what the Dynamics were. A 12 year old sees what a 12 year old sees. And so what I want him to know is there's no bad feelings. There are unhelpful responses. Okay, so yelling at your father, is that, is that work? No. Okay.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is being mad all the time, is that helping you with your friends at school, Is that helping you feel good? No. So let's write it down here. Or I want you to write dad a letter. We're not going to send it to him. You're going to give it to me. But I want you to write your dad a letter. I'll write one too. And if we're really gangster about it, we can read it to each other. Would you write?

[Anna]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And you can say things like, I'm sad you made this choice. From where I'm sitting, it looks like you're really hurting and it looks like you made not a good choice. And I know you to Be a pretty good man. And what, what that will do is it will begin not to excuse any of the nonsense that he's done, but it will humanize him for your 12 year old. And you'll also be teaching him. Here's a way to see a fuller picture, which a 12 year old can't do. Their brains aren't developed.

[Michelle]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, but a, a middle school kid shooting baskets and the high school kids come in and a couple of them start dunking. They can't do that, but they see, oh, that could be possible one day. Right.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's several things, but, but you letting him know there are no bad feelings.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Michelle]

He's referenced a few times wanting, and he's even attempted a few times to talk to his dad. And like I said, dad's not receptive. Should, should I, you know, encourage him to continue voicing his opinions if he feels like he needs to, or hold that back for maybe a. I don't want to call it safer because he's not in danger, but yeah, you know, a more accepting environment.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I can just tell you what I do in my house and that is I spend a lot of time with my kids saying, asking them, how does this, how did it feel after you did this and did that? What did what you did next work?

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I like to give him context. And so there may be a time when your son did something dumb that 12 year olds do and you want to talk to him about it and he just put his head down like, I don't talk about it, Mom.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you might tell him, hey, you know, remember when your feelings got so big inside your chest you just didn't want to say anything to anybody? Your dad probably feels shame and probably feels embarrassment and those feelings are so huge. The thought of opening up to his son is too big for him right now. And you can tell him, I wish he would. I really wish he would, but at this point he's not. So if we keep asking, has that worked yet? No. Okay. What if we give it a little bit of time?

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would tell him there is going to be a day when your dad will talk to you about it.

[Michelle]

Yeah. Yeah. And right now they're going through like, the pregnancy and, you know, all that stuff and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you got her pregnant.

[Michelle]

Yeah, yeah. Girlfriend's pregnant. She moved in the same day, wife moved out and it happened to be dad's weekend, so they got a front row seat to all that too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's where I would, I would Call dad out. That's not, that's. I'd call both of you out. That's not good.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They shouldn't have seen that.

[Michelle]

They shouldn't have. No, 100% agreed. I was able to because, you know, when you have court order, you have to follow it to a point. So I got dad to delay day so, you know, wife could get out, but when they went over, their girlfriend was there. All wife's stuff is gone. So, yeah, you know, it, it was very confronting for them. And then.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And who's this new woman I have to live with now? That's scary. It's terrifying for a child.

[Simone]

Well.

[Michelle]

And they know her. They consider her an aunt. There's someone that they've known as long as they've known stepmom. So it's, it's uncomfortable, I think for my 12 year old and my 10 year old too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's uncomfortable for me. I'm a grown man and I'm across the country. Like, yeah, lead sitting in that room would be so tense and awkward and weird.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And my, my 10 year old has autism, so he's not all, like socially, I guess, adept. So it's not like he can talk to his brother about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But he's absorbing all the tension.

[Michelle]

He is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

And we've definitely experienced that and we've taken some time and, you know, been flexible and I've directly told dad like, hey, if there's drama and stuff, I'm gonna come get them.

[Simone]

Sorry. Yeah.

[Michelle]

You know that they have phones, they can call me. That's what they're for. But yeah, my big thing is like, I just want to support my son through this period of anger.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'll tell you, the period, the period of anger is going to last for a decade or more.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So settle in.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This isn't something to be solved because his anger is right. His body's working perfectly.

[Anna]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now there's a newborn that's going to be screaming in the middle of the night while he's trying to sleep.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

And there's going to be sibling total, including all the step kids. Like, you know, my husband has a daughter and then, you know, girlfriend has kids. So 10 kids total. And he's the oldest one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. It's. It's just too much.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Michelle]

That's a lot. He's carrying a lot on his shoulders right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And especially as he heads into, hey, dad can't come to your soccer game because he's got to change diapers. And that, that is a 13 year old or 14 year old's not gonna have context. They're just gonna know I want my dad here and he won't come. And so now I'm mad. And that's, that's a right, that's a right feeling for that moment.

[Michelle]

We've had that with a few skipped weekends as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

You know, girlfriend didn't feel good or, you know, something like that. They had something going on. So really just kind of let him have his anger and let him have his emotions, but try to direct them positively.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not even going to direct him positively. We're going to give him a safe space for him and we're going to, we're going to really pay attention to his behavior, his actions.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I will tell you not to freak you out or anything. Statistically speaking, he just got put in a different category of risk.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For.

[Michelle]

That's what I worry about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For all you should be. I would be high, high alert for that.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so for all those kids in, in inside this, this situation. And so we're gonna pay extra attention to how much screen time I would. Extra, extra. Not let him have social media or have access to the Internet. He can have a phone, but I wouldn't put any, put any Internet on it. I would delete that off.

[Michelle]

No.

[Anna]

Right.

[Michelle]

Yeah, we have that. We have his phone locked down. We have his Xbox in our living room. So I can literally watch him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This will be hard for you because your time with him has been cut in half and you want to spend extra direct time with him. I would go over and above seeing if he's got some friends that could come over the house when he's with you.

[Simone]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's gonna have to build relationships that he can begin to lean on because the big one in his life wasn't there for him.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not only wasn't there for him, but it's continually blown it up. Blown up his life.

[Michelle]

Well, and he's. He's super close to my husband, but my husband just got a job traveling all but two weekends out of the month. So it's kind of like a double whammy. You know, the wife is gone and now my husband's there. He's a call away, but that's different. He wants to talk to his dad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. He wants some nervous system regulation and the adults in his life won't give it to him.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's. That it's disorienting for a child.

[Michelle]

Okay. And look for a different counselor. That, I take it, won't walk him out after 15 minutes of silence.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Michelle]

Like, I mean, I'll keep looking. I've been trying. I started to feel like maybe I was crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, having a teenage. Working with teenage boys is hard.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's awesome when you develop the relationship. But those relationships are. Take time because young boys are trained. If you show emotion, you're, you're, you're literally vulnerable, which means you can be killed, you can be destroyed. Right. And so boys are taught, especially in Texas, suck it up. Don't show any cracks in the facade. And so if somebody's gonna walk you out in 15 minutes, you know what he. All three of those therapists have reinforced in him. I'm in control. I'm running the show here. And yet another adult won't be in relationship with me.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

That's what I was worried about. I'm like, I'll pay the $150 or whatever the fee is. Just sit with him for an hour.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Michelle]

We're going to be here for this amount of time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes you sit with a, with a struggling teenage boy and girl and y' all don't talk about anything. And a good therapist will. Let's write a letter, let's listen to music, let's draw a picture, let's play with these toys. The 12 year old's a little bit old for that, but let's go for a walk. Let's go like bring in two CDs that you like. Your mom told me you like this song. I'm gonna put this music on in here and we can just chill if you need. Just a quiet place to be. But it's his presence. He knows he's driving. And no 12 year old can handle the responsibility of driving the adults in their life.

[Anna]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he's getting toggled from the trunk. I got no control in my life to now I'm driving. And now I'm back in the trunk and I'm driving. And you know it's gonna. I'm not telling you just to scare you. You know, it's going to silence that alcohol.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's going to silence that weed.

[Michelle]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It'll turn that toggle, that pain of that toggle, that chaos, it'll turn it way down.

[Simone]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the only way to change that chaos is through relationship with close friends with other men in his life. If your husband is now on the road a lot, then I would be on the lookout for a coach, for a guy, for a local jiu Jitsu Gym local. I don't know if you're people of faith, but a local youth minister in your community, that's not an idiot. But who's really good at what they do at working with young men. A couple of mentors in the world, like for your son that will anchor them to somebody who will see him and say, I'm not scared of you. You want to talk to me, that's cool. I'll be here with you. Your presence doesn't frighten me. And actually I'm glad you're here. I'm going to listen to this tunes because I like them too. And something in atelier in your son is asking what? Why am I so unlikable that all the adults in my life either leave or blow up my world? And we need to show him. Not tell him, but show him through action. You don't scare me. I'm glad you're here. Your anger's right, your frustration is right. Your grief is right. And I'm not scared of your big feelings. I'm the adult in the room. Have them all right here with me. And then we'll figure out what's the next right thing to go do out in the world. So he's lucky to have you loving him. But he's gonna need some pretty direct intervention and support from you and other regulated adults and even some knuckleheaded 12 and 13 year old boys you can have over under your supervision. So thanks for the call. I hate, hate that kids grow up in messes like this. Breaks my heart. We'll be right back. Hey, I want to talk to you for a second about love. Not the I'll never let go kind of love. That's nonsense. I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you. I'm talking about term life insurance from Zander insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids, anybody, you have to have term life insurance. My wife and I trust Xander for term life insurance. I've used them for years, long before I started this show. For one reason, I trust them. I trust them to come up and find me the best deals. I trust them to come through for me when my family needs them. When it comes to term life insurance, here's the deal. You should get coverage of 10 to 12 times your income because that gives your family real protection. So if the unthinkable happens, your family can spend their time grieving and not worrying about where their next meal is going to come from. Zander makes buying term life insurance simple. With clear guidance and honest support. They help you figure out the right amount of coverage for you and your family. Then they shop all the top companies to find the best price. Getting term life insurance is a way of saying I love you. Especially when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to zander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and get term life insurance the right way. That's zander.com all right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it?

[Kelly]

Yes. So this is from Peyton in, oh, Wetumpka, Alabama. I actually know where that is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So is that where your first date was?

[Kelly]

No, it's actually the. So my in laws live in Red Hill and if we go which is not an incorporated town and if we want to go to the Walmart, we go to Wetumpka.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I just, I just had like a light bulb moment as to why you love murder podcast so much. Because that's where you live.

[Kelly]

I don't live there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Lived.

[Kelly]

Never lived there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Kelly]

My in laws.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's where you loved.

[Kelly]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You lived, laughed and loved there. Nope. Just like your tattoo. Nope.

[Kelly]

None of the above. None of the above.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so in Shamalama, Ding Dong Alabama, we Tumpka. Yep.

[Kelly]

Peyton from Wetumpka.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sounds like a thing you get.

[Kelly]

Hey, I'll actually, Peyton, if you're listening, I'll be down there in a couple weeks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sounds like if you like eat a butt like sushi from a gas station, you, you get.

[Kelly]

We talk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's like, oh, you got what she's got.

[Kelly]

Poor thing. All right, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would be mad about the comments from folks from Watumpka, but they don't have Internet there, so. Go ahead. Go ahead.

[Kelly]

Hey, Peyton obviously does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm playing.

[Kelly]

All right. She writes, I wanted to share something cool that happened over Christmas break. I don't have any kids of my own, but I do have eight nieces and nephews ages 9 to 18. For Christmas, I gave my family questions for humans. The grandparents deck to my folks, the parents and teens decks to my sister's family and the parents and kids decks to my brother's family. That night, after presents, food and festivities, we sat around and used the cards to ask questions. Everyone loved it. We had so much fun laughing and telling stories. The big hit of the evening was what nicknames do you have? The next night, as my mom was getting the kids ready for bed, my nine year old niece asked if there could be more questions, which they did. I think, I think this may be a new tradition. Thank you for a great tool for bringing us together and helping us to celebrate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love it. Those who would have thought those question for human stacks, man, they're awesome. Am I kidding? My daughter still grabs them when she can. She's like, dad, let's do some of these. And kids are so desperate for connection with adults. And adult kids are still desperate for connection with their aging parents, too, as much as we don't like to say we are. And our aging parents want connection with us too. So it's awesome. Cool. Pick them up at the link in the show notes if you know how to work those. Somebody in Watumpka knows how to work the the show notes, so you should know how to do it too. Love you guys. Bye.