My Husband Won’t Treat His Erectile Dysfunction (I’m Pissed)

Summary

Episode Summary: "My Husband Won’t Treat His Erectile Dysfunction (I’m Pissed)"

Release Date: June 23, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network's Dr. John Deloney

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John Deloney Show, host Dr. John Deloney addresses pressing relationship and mental health challenges through heartfelt caller stories. This episode focuses on deep-seated marital issues stemming from erectile dysfunction, emotional overwhelm, and lingering resentments from childhood experiences. Dr. Deloney offers compassionate advice, actionable steps, and profound insights to help listeners navigate their personal struggles.

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1. Marie’s Struggle with Her Husband's Erectile Dysfunction

Caller: Marie
Timestamp: [00:05] – [17:59]

Background: Marie, a 65-year-old woman married for 44 years, reaches out distressed over her husband’s persistent low libido and recent onset of erectile dysfunction (ED). Following a heart attack and subsequent cardiac medications, her husband’s ability to experience pleasure has diminished, leading to Marie feeling invisible, unworthy, and deeply angry.

Key Discussions:

• Emotional Disconnect: Marie shares how her attempts to initiate intimacy often result in rejection, leaving her feeling neglected and unloved.

• Role of Faith: Marie has relied heavily on her faith and ministries to cope, using them as a distraction rather than addressing the core issues in her marriage.

• Impact of ED: Dr. Deloney emphasizes that ED is not just a physical issue but a symptom of deeper emotional and relational disconnects.

Notable Quotes:

• Marie: "I feel like I'm dying inside, invisible, not worthy of anything."
  [02:55]

• Dr. Deloney: "Sex is the light on the dashboard here. It's not the engine problem."
  [04:20]

• Dr. Deloney: "You are worth being loved. You are worth laughing with. You're worth holding hands with."
  [17:13]

Actionable Insights:

• Seek Professional Help: Dr. Deloney advises Marie to consult a counselor or therapist to address her existential questions and emotional pain.

• Focus on Personal Fulfillment: He encourages Marie to invest in herself by engaging in hobbies, building friendships, and redefining her personal goals outside the strained sexual relationship.

• Reframe Faith's Role: Instead of using faith as a mere distraction, Marie is urged to utilize her spiritual beliefs to facilitate honest conversations and emotional healing.

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2. Ben’s Difficulty Handling His Wife’s Emotions

Caller: Ben
Timestamp: [21:31] – [35:59]

Background: Ben, a 41-year-old married man approaching his ninth anniversary, seeks advice on managing his wife's intense emotions. Feeling overwhelmed by her emotional outbursts, Ben describes his tendency to shut down during conflicts, leading to frustration and a sense of inadequacy in his marital role.

Key Discussions:

• Emotional Capacity: Ben feels his emotional capacity is limited, likening himself to having "the emotional capacity the size of a coffee mug" compared to his wife's "five-gallon bucket" of emotions.

• Communication Breakdown: When Ben expresses his feelings, it often results in his wife feeling hurt, exacerbating the cycle of emotional disconnect.

• Emotional Intelligence: Dr. Deloney emphasizes the importance of emotional intelligence in modern relationships and provides strategies to enhance it.

Notable Quotes:

• Ben: "I feel like I have the emotional capacity the size of a coffee mug and she's trying to dump a five-gallon bucket into my small little cup."
  [21:39]

• Dr. Deloney: "The currency in the 21st century for men is emotional intelligence."
  [32:56]

• Dr. Deloney: "Have you assigned any tasks to yourself that help you manage your emotions better?"
  [34:47]

Actionable Insights:

• Mindfulness and Presence: Ben is encouraged to practice mindfulness, pausing before reacting to emotional triggers to better manage his responses.

• Commitment to Communication: Dr. Deloney advises Ben to actively communicate his feelings and set clear, compassionate boundaries with his wife.

• Emotional Tools: Introducing practical tools such as "How can I love you today?" prompts to foster positive interactions and reduce emotional overwhelm.

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3. Wayne’s Resentment Over Forced Youth Sports

Caller: Wayne
Timestamp: [38:28] – [54:21]

Background: Wayne, a 30-year-old father of two, discusses his long-standing resentment towards being forced into youth sports during his childhood. This experience has left him struggling with boundaries in his adult life, particularly concerning his parents' ongoing expectations and involvement.

Key Discussions:

• Legacy of Childhood Experiences: Wayne reflects on how being molded into an athlete for his parents’ satisfaction has impacted his current life and relationships.

• Parental Boundaries: Dr. Deloney explores the necessity for Wayne to establish clear boundaries with his parents to prioritize his family’s well-being.

• Personal Success Redefined: The conversation delves into redefining what success means for Wayne beyond his parents’ imposed standards.

Notable Quotes:

• Wayne: "I played the game for them and not for me."
  [41:13]

• Dr. Deloney: "You are worth more than the money you make, and you're worth more than the stupid sports you played."
  [43:56]

• Dr. Deloney: "This is about right now. We'll be right back."
  [44:38]

Actionable Insights:

• Setting Boundaries: Wayne is advised to have honest conversations with his parents about his current family priorities, reducing their influence over his household decisions.

• Personal Empowerment: Emphasis is placed on Wayne taking control of his life by disengaging from past expectations and focusing on his own family’s needs and happiness.

• Healing from Resentment: Dr. Deloney encourages Wayne to process his resentment through reflection and proactive changes, ensuring a healthier relationship with his parents and himself.

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John Deloney masterfully navigates complex relational and emotional issues shared by his callers. From Marie's struggles with marital intimacy and emotional neglect to Ben's challenges in handling his wife's overwhelming emotions, and Wayne's lingering resentment from forced childhood sports, the episode underscores the importance of emotional intelligence, personal boundaries, and proactive communication in fostering healthy relationships. Dr. Deloney's compassionate guidance provides listeners with practical strategies to address their own challenges and cultivate more fulfilling lives.

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Note: Advertisements, promotional segments, and non-content sections of the podcast have been omitted to focus solely on the substantive discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Marie]

My husband and I are 65 years old and married for 44 years. He has never had a great libido, and he has a long history of turning me down when I initiated sex.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's back out of sex for a second. Let's back out of sex. Okay.

[Marie]

Mm.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When's the last time you guys laughed so hard together you thought you were gonna pee your pants? Yo, yo, yo.

[Jon]

This is jon with a Dr. DeLoney show.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Taking your calls from all over planet Earth. Real people going through real challenges. Their marriages, their mental and emotional health, trying to figure out what's going on in culture today was trying to figure out what's going on in their kids, schools. Whatever you got going on in your life, my promises, I'll sit here with you and we will figure out what's the next right move. If you want to be on the show, reach out@john deloney.com Ask and fill out the form, and it will go to Kelly and she'll hollabacker, I'll let you. And we'll see if we can get you on the show. John Deloney.com ask. Go out to Dallas, Texas, and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie?

[Marie]

Well, it's rainy and thundering here, but it's going okay. What's up with you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Water's not supposed to fall from the sky in Texas.

[Marie]

Oh, you know, we're so thankful for it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I was in Nashville the first year I lived here after living all of my life in Texas. I heard somebody say it was raining, and it was a couple days in a row, and somebody said, man, I wish it would stop raining. And I whipped my head around and I realized that's a sentence I don't think I'd ever heard. I'd never heard that sentence, I wish it would stop raining. So that's fantastic. Well, congratulations on the rain. Hope it works out for you guys. What's up?

[Marie]

So I wrote down kind of a. A background. And then to my question. So I'll just go ahead and read this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sure.

[Jon]

You got it.

[Marie]

Okay. My husband and I are 65 years old and married for 44 years. He has never had a great libido, and he has long history of turning me down. When I initiated sex, I have learned not to ask him because it usually results in hurt, he's occupied with something else or is not in the mood. Then I decided to just tell him I need his attention. Sometimes I would come right out and ask him I need servicing. Still, sex remained low priority for him over the past two Years. He has had a heart attack and stents put in. He takes cardiac medication. We set a goal of three times per week, and we did well for a while. But then erectile dysfunction hit, so now he doesn't experience pleasure at all. He said the cardiologist PA told him it's just the way it is and he can't take ED medications due to the cardiac medications. Recently, I became. Became angry and told him I was going to call the cardiologist doctor and ask that she reconsider the medications and assist with the ed. I'm at that point again of giving up. He has increased attentiveness, but no physical touch. I am like. I feel like I'm dying inside, invisible, not worthy of anything. I'm angry. He irritates me. I don't like him right now. We have limited time here. We're on the short end of the Runway. I just cannot accept that we're here again.

[Dr. John Deloney]

If we were just sitting there in Dallas over some fajitas, I would get up and walk around the table and give you a hug.

[Jon]

I'm sorry.

[Marie]

Oh, thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm sorry.

[Marie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sometimes ED and erectile dysfunction, all that. I mean, you know this well as I do. That's. That's a hard conversation for anybody. It's embarrassing. It's all those things. And having been to an OBGYN appointment every year for your entire life, plus. Plus or minus, you don't really care. And I get that. This isn't about that. Like, you've been lonely for a long, long time, haven't you?

[Marie]

The entire relationship.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marie]

Yeah, the entire relationship.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sex is the light on the dashboard here.

[Marie]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's not the engine problem.

[Marie]

Right. It's the one connection that. That is between us and. And our faith.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But, yeah, yeah, but I want to challenge you on the faith thing. I think the faith thing has been. Let me put it this way again. Every faith is different. You can read it however you want to, but. But he left your marriage decades ago. Decades ago. I tend to have a broader view of the word infidelity. And I know some people really narrow it down, especially in particular faith traditions. About it is simply about intercourse with another human being. Fine. However you want to describe it. I've just sat with people for years and years and years who hide behind that nonsense. And they leave their wives on a golf course, or they leave their husband for business after business after business after business, and. Or they leave their partner for fill in the blank. Or they just sit in a recliner scrolling Whatever news channel or TV channel, falling half asleep in and out of whatever life they think they're having. Right. And. And so, I mean, then faith becomes this thing, like, to hide behind without having to deal with the true issue, which is, oh, you left me. You're just still sitting in the recliner.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm not. I don't. I don't want to. That's just the way I read it. Right. And so all that to say is, I'm sorry, because now you're getting to the point where you're 65 and you hear the clock ticking a little louder and you're starting to look back and consider have wasted time like the most precious thing you've got. Right.

[Marie]

Right. I've always thought that. And the only way I've been able to stay in the relationship is by having faith, you know, just thinking, okay, you know, I'll refocus on my ministries and. And God and refocus there. It gets me through. But, you know, it's not fulfilling as a. As a human being.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marie]

On that side.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So it sounds almost like you've used your faith as kind of like a Xanax to distract yourself, not as a way through this challenge to have hard conversations and deal with the reality, but it's been a way to kind of wallpaper over the problem.

[Marie]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Marie]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So what are you going to do? You sound pretty resolved.

[Marie]

Well, I mean, I'm definitely not going to leave. Like I said, I'm 65. I'm on the end of the Runway. So is he. So I go back to. Okay, well, I just can't accept this. Maybe I will with him on the line, call the cardiologist and say, fix this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's back out of sex for a second. Let's back out of sex. Okay. How does he handle Yalls money?

[Marie]

So we're. We're retired right now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Marie]

And so, you know, we watch the stocks a little when we absolutely have to, but we stay, you know, pretty frugal. You know, we've treated ourselves to things. He never goes overboard. He. Yeah. Yep. Money. Money is okay. Money is okay. You know, we're surviving, and we hope that, you know, we'll get to the other end with some money to get through life.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When's the last time you guys laughed so hard together you thought you're going to pee your pants?

[Marie]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

When is that? When's the last time you and him got to laughing so hard he made you laugh and you thought you were going to pee your pants?

[Marie]

He said something last week. I don't even remember what it was. And. And I responded. And. And, yeah, we just. You know, I started laughing. Usually when I laugh or if I think something is funny, he doesn't. But that time, we both did. And. Yeah, I just thought I was gonna. Well, I might have leaked a little.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good.

[Wayne]

Good.

[Marie]

Because I am over the hill a little bit.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, quit it. You keep talking about how old you are.

[Ben]

Quit it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Kelly is way older than you. Way older than you. She's not, but.

[Marie]

No, she isn't.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, she's not. Here's. Here's the. Here's. Here's the reality, okay? And I want you to be careful of a couple of things. The first thing is, I don't want you to back yourself into a corner and then brick yourself into that corner, because I hear two competing. Two competing, like stakes in the ground. I will not live like this, period. And I will not leave this marriage, period.

[Marie]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And now you've given yourself an either or that can't ever solve itself, and that leaves you burned out, exhausted, and tired because you keep trying to. You're like trying to do a seesaw by yourself. You're going to make yourself bonkers.

[Marie]

Absolutely. Absolutely. I just feel empty. I feel like I'm dissolving some kind of human. Some kind of a human touch, some kind of an affirmation, attention. You know, I never got that when I was growing up, and now it's replicated in my entire. Of course I picked what the problem was when I got married. Right? Yeah. And.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you have to. But you. But let's. Let's don't go all the way back there. Let's look at what we have right in front of us. You've spent 40 years with somebody. Is that right?

[Marie]

44. Huh.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And you have said, I have a deep pain of just wanting someone to touch me and make me feel safe and to make me feel desired. And he has looked at you and said, not doing that. No. Period. End of story. And I can't think of a more heartbreaking reality to find myself in at the age of 65 years old. Because. Because it's not like you said, hey, I want you to quit being a policeman where you feel called, and go be in business so that we can make more money so I can get me a lake house. Right. Or, right. I can't believe you've never bought me a new Tahoe. This is simply. Will you sit by me on the couch and hold my hand and put your arm around me? And he looked at you and said, no, I won't actually. And reduced you to oil change language. Will you service me?

[Marie]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. It's dehumanizing. And then you have spent 65 years. What's wrong? Wondering what's wrong with you.

[Marie]

Exactly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I wouldn't wish that thought on my worst enemy.

[Marie]

So sometimes they just, you know, go and sit down by him and. And, I mean, you know, skin to skin and just sitting together, and, you know, he puts his arm around me, but, you know, TV is there, and it. I'm still invisible. Yeah, I'm there, but I'm invisible.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so here's. Here's the. Here's the action steps you have in front of you, okay? This pain is deep. And I want you to go talk to somebody, okay? Because I'm also hearing you wrestling with existential questions. How have I used my time? Has my life been good?

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I got one shot at this thing. Have I? Have I? I've done a lot of hard stuff. I've also had some joy in there, too. Like, you're asking yourself those big, deep existential questions, and I want you to go sit with somebody, whether it's a pastor that you trust. Please tell me it's somebody that's trained, knows what they're doing, or go see a counselor or get a group of women your age and begin to have these conversations out loud. Okay? That's number one.

[Marie]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Number two, I want you to put front and center the reality that you find yourself. And I love this, because you're trafficking in reality. Your emotions are all over the place. They're scattered across 65 years of your life. But your. Your frontal lobe, your brain, your prefrontal cortex is present in the moment. That clock is ticking. I'm 65 years old.

[Marie]

Right?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I want you to be specific. Not about feelings, but about what do you want to do? Who do you want to be? My fear is you've been chasing a feeling of being loved for a long time. And if I were to sit down with your husband, he would look at me and say, I put food on the table. I worked myself to death. I've had a heart attack. I just grew up a certain way, so I don't even know how to, like, love her. And you see how you just end up. You said it best. You end up marrying your childhood. Right? But you get in this dance, and I want you to be very specific about some things you want to do. You've been. I love how clear you. We will have sex. Three times a week on the calendar. Hey, that's not, I mean, that's like, that's, that's the way it's got to go sometimes. Awesome. Good on you. There is millions of 25 year old married couples that are like three times a week, oh my gosh, how would we play video games? And you're like, I'm getting mine three times a week. Right.

[Jon]

Good for you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But here's the thing I want you to put on paper. No, you know what? Back out of that. Write your 90 year old self a letter and say, At 65, we started doing things. I'm so glad I did. Here's what we did. Because I want you to also traffic in the reality that for 44 years he's looked at you and said, I don't care how you want to be loved. I'm not going to do that. And I don't see that changing. And I also see you saying, I like, underneath it all, I'm comfortable here. I love him, I'm safe. It's part my faith, tradition. All those things are, are well and good. And this is, this is my life. And so I'm not leaving it. So it might be that you get with some girlfriends and start saying, okay, we're going out. I'm going to learn how to dance. I got so many years till my hips quit working. I'm going to go dance. I'm going to start getting a pedicure once a month and I'm going to work a little side job so I can pay for it. I am going to start going to a concert once a month. Like I, you get what I'm saying? I'm gonna start going to the, to the middle school theater productions that are terrible but still great at the same time. And I'm going to volunteer. Like, I'm going to start living my life and I'm going to stop coming home to the same couch that I've been coming home to for 44 years, hoping that something will be different there.

[Marie]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's the reality. You're not going to feel like doing a lot of this stuff.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's going to be a commitment to yourself that I'm going to keep the promises to myself. I, I will go once a week to have coffee with my girlfriends and we're going to be ridiculous. And in fact, I'm going to send you a whole bunch of questions for humans decks. Okay. That you can start with your girlfriends.

[Marie]

Oh, I would love that. Thank you.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm gonna send you the friends Ones. I'm gonna send you the couples ones so y' all can get the spicy ones and even intimacy ones. Y' all can bring them home to your husbands and just be all gross.

[Marie]

Oh, yeah. So I ordered the intimacy one.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Marie]

I'm looking for it in the mail now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, cool. Well, I'll send you some other ones for free and. But I want you to go begin to have friendships and. Because here's the deal.

[Jon]

You are worth being loved.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You are worth laughing with. You're. You're worth holding hands with. You're worth hugging. It just happens that the people in your life for the first 65 years have said, we're not going to do that.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if you want to take your faith and walk through these challenges, not use your faith as a. As a shield from dealing with stuff, I would recommend doing that. It'll be painful. It'll be scary. It'll be very, very hard.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But right now, your life is painful and scary and hard, Isn't it?

[Marie]

Oh, my goodness.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. So it's a matter of choosing your.

[Marie]

I believe I'm here. Yep.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Cool.

[Marie]

Very cool. Thank you so much. I appreciate your input.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Marie, you call me any, anytime, and if he wants to call me, too, great. Yes. I think you all should call the doctor. I think you all should circle back in there. But I think the issues here are much deeper than sex and Ed. I think it is a lifetime of people not being willing to love you as you are asking, will y' all love me in this way? Thanks for the call, sister. All right, we come back. We talk to a man who wants some advice on how to wrangle his wife's emotions.

[Jon]

This show is sponsored by Better Help.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Hey.

[Jon]

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[Dr. John Deloney]

To get started, you just fill out.

[Jon]

A short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist, and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com DeLoney hey, it's DeLoney for Hallow, my favorite prayer and meditation app and the number one prayer app in the world. As the great Ferris Bueller once said, life moves pretty fast. And it's true. We're all juggling work and family. We're juggling a million things at once, and in the chaos, we often forget to pause and reflect. Creating peace in your life doesn't just happen. You have to have space to for pausing and reflection, but we have to choose it. We have to make space for it. And that's where Hallow comes in. Hallow provides you amazing opportunities to slow down and reconnect with what matters most. One of the best features on Hallow is the Daily Reflections with Jeff Cavins, because he helps you connect scripture to real life joys and real life challenges. Or if you're struggling with anxiety or feeling overwhelmed, Hallow offers mental health meditations and prayers that I have found useful. From healing emotional wounds to establishing healthy habits, these guided prayers give you words of comfort and longing when you're all out of things to say. If you're ready to find some peace in the chaos and some purpose in your day, check out Hallow right now when you sign [e-mail] Deloney you'll get three months for free. Again, that's Hallow H A l l o w.com Deloney for three months for free.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, Wayne in Boise, Idaho. What's up Wayne?

[Ben]

Hey Dr. John, thank you so much for taking my call.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Of course, brother.

[Ben]

Appreciate it, brother.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What's up?

[Ben]

Hey man. So I'm gonna start with my question. I'll give you A little bit of context and then I'm excited to dive in with you. But my question is, what can I do to be better equipped to handle my wife's emotions? I feel like I have the emotional capacity the size of a coffee mug and she's trying to dump a five gallon bucket into my small little cup. I'm getting completely overwhelmed, frustrated at times, and when this happens, I tend to shut down. This is probably our number one obstacle in our marriage is these emotions. So any help you got, man, I'd be appreciated. Appreciative of it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You love this woman, don't you?

[Ben]

Big time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. I can hear it in you, man. Like, this isn't you complaining about her. This is a problem you want to solve. I could tell. I could tell.

[Ben]

You got it, man.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How long you been married?

[Ben]

We're coming up on nine years next month.

[Dr. John Deloney]

First marriage for both.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old are you?

[Ben]

41.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. What? Something happened that precipitated this call. What was the last big blow up?

[Ben]

When I express, expressed my emotions.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Give me an example. Give me an example.

[Ben]

I was flying around the kitchen washing dishes. I left the pans on the, the stove to dry. And she said, hey, you know, why don't you just put away the pans? And I was doing, trying to do 50 other things, clean up after the kids dinner. And I took that as she didn't appreciate all that I was trying to do. So when I express, express those feelings, it hurt her feelings. And then that was the last biggest thing. But it continuously, like when we get in disagreements or arguments, it all boils down to her emotions and my lack of ability to. I don't acknowledge them. Maybe. I think she would probably say that I'm not all there for her emotionally.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't hear that in the example you just gave. How are you not there for her emotionally?

[Ben]

Maybe it's.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does she expect you just to take what, Take whatever she throws at you, whatever she says, whatever she encourages you, whatever she, however she lectures you, however she criticizes you, you're just supposed to accept that. I mean, because as you just described that one story, I feel like a hundred percent. I would have done. I would have felt like you did. I'm in here trying to be a modern dad. I went to work all day, I'm trying to do these things, I'm trying to help. I'm doing the dishes and I'm trying to get the kids squared up and I know you're busy and I'm trying to be a good guy. I'm trying to be a good dad. I'm trying to help. And the first thing that comes in here is not like, oh, my gosh, I'm so grateful for you. It's a critique, right? I'm totally with you. Totally with you. It's a thing I hear very common from men, which is, I feel like I'm in a failure factory when I. I don't know how to help, because when I do help, I don't do it right.

[Ben]

I see that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And then I just.

[Ben]

Know how I process, like, my feelings and emotions is completely different than, you know, understandably how she processes hers. And I don't. I don't understand. And maybe, like, I've never had, like, a role model as men, you know, we don't get to see emotions and how they're played out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's right.

[Ben]

Man to man. So I'm. I don't want to, like, put this on her because she's a great woman, but, like, I'm looking for some tools to maybe just help myself.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So let's. Let's do this. Let's look at emotions as simply lights on a dashboard, okay? Emotions are not designed to tell you the truth. They're designed to keep you safe. So when somebody says, I, like, quit yelling at me. And you're like, I'm not yelling. Somebody's body literally may have felt attacked. And when your body is attacked, your eyes narrow, your hearing gets acute. Right. You are ready for danger, and things can sound really loud when someone else is just, like, trying to talk over the kid that's babbling in the background. So emotions. Trying to traffic in emotions together is really a fool's errand. It's, it's, it's, it's. It's. It's a tough thing to do.

[Ben]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Getting underneath that and saying, how can I love you right now? Is the only way I've seen couples be successful. And they do that in a bunch of different ways. But I haven't seen people be successful trying to manage each other's emotions. Because if somebody is struggling with the emotion of shutdown, then the other person's body just gets louder, which then causes the person to shut down more. Or when somebody's going over the top and somebody gets smaller to try to not provoke anymore, the person's not getting the rise that they need, and so they get a lot, right? So it just becomes this wild firefight. And probably the. Her being spicy is why you loved her. It's why you married her. It's why she was fun. And you being stable is probably what made her feel safe. And so there's. Underneath of that, the emotion stuff is good too. Right, Right. The deeper question is, hey, how can I love you today? Here's how you can love me. When I'm doing the dishes and you see me doing them wrong, it's like, let me finish them. And then when I'm all done and we're chilling, say, hey, here's a way you could really help out if you can put this dish over here, do it like this. Or coming in and criticizing me all the time, because here's what that can be. Um, I would feel it the same way you felt it, which is you're not you. I'm. I do it the right way and you're doing it the wrong way instead of, thank God somebody's doing it, period. We have a bunch of kids here and we're both tired, but those things are solved way upstream with, hey, how can I love you today? I'm gonna need some help with the dishes tonight. Can you take dinner tonight? Hey, I'm texting you at 4:00. I'm already out of gas. Can you do one of the bedtimes tonight?

[Ben]

Okay. I like that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does that make sense?

[Ben]

It does.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Now, let me ask you another question. Sometimes people in relationships, when one person gets more emotional and more emotional and more emotional, they're trying to get a sense of aliveness out of their partner. Are you in this marriage?

[Ben]

I am.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, no, I'm not asking. I. I'm. I'm saying, like, there, there, there's a. I want you to fight back. I want to feel passion. I want to feel aliveness. Do you get what I'm saying? And so some of it is a commitment. Go ahead, go ahead. I was going to say some of the how can I love you today? Is a commitment to, hey, when you yell, I'll shut down. And I'm going to commit that when I start shutting down, I'm going to stay in the game because I know that you're not going to hit me, I know I love you, etc. And vice versa. When I start shutting down, I find myself getting rattled, like, trying to get your attention. I'm not going to yell, but also, please stay in the game and don't shut down on me.

[Ben]

Gotcha. So when I tend to shut down, she's essentially waiting for me to come back, but I'm like, one, my frustration with her because I don't understand her emotions, and two, I'm kind of busy Beating myself up because I. I don't understand. And I know that I have a lot of. I have trouble stepping out of that silence to go reinitiate the conversation.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Where did you learn that silence is the best way to handle a challenge? Did you get hit as a kid?

[Ben]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Was your house loud as a kid or did you have a parent who drank?

[Ben]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Where'd you learn?

[Ben]

It was, I mean, it was yelling.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Ben]

Maybe I never. After the yelling part, I never really saw a resolution.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There it is. So maybe your nervous system learned at a very young age when the yelling starts, we disappear because there's no, there's no solving anything here. And the next step is fist flying. I'm not, I'm not being a part of this.

[Ben]

How do I get out of that?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You have to. You have to wade right through it. And you have to tell her. This is hard and scary because you've probably heard me say a thousand times on the show, the things that kept you safe as a kid will destroy your adult relationships. You're married to someone who wants that engagement from you, wants to know you're as passionate into this thing as you are. But if you just let the nine year old inside of you take over and hide and get out of this deal. She feels like she just lost her husband. And she's not handling it right either. She just dials up the intensity instead of gently coming in there and getting you back. Right? Reaching across through that electric fence and grabbing your hand. But that's when I talk. People talk about doing the hard work. This is that work. This is you saying out loud, oh, I'm feeling myself disappearing again. I'm feeling myself withdrawing, taking a deep breath, and I have it in my toolkit. I'm going to reach over and grab her hand and she. We've already talked about this when we were having breakfast together. When I grab her hand, she knows to stop talking. Because I'm trying to come back. I'm practicing coming back. And what you'll do over time is you'll teach your body that it's okay when things get volatile a little bit because you're both on the same team and no one's going to hit each other or set each other on fire or anything.

[Ben]

That's good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And she has to be an adult, too and say, I feel myself just wanting to scream and yell and see if there's any aliveness in my husband at all. I want to go get it. And she has to know the louder I get, the more his body shuts off. And so if I see him working really hard and everybody's going to be safe. I see him trying, everybody's going to be safe. I'm just going to say nothing. I'm going to bite my lip, bite my tongue, and then next time we get together, I'm going to say, hey, will you help me with this? And you have to promise if she says, hey, here's a better way to do the dishwasher, that you won't go into a shame spiral. I'm a loser. I'm such a terrible husband. I'm the worst ever. I can't believe she got stuck with, you won't do that kind of stuff. Or if she comes in kind of hot and says, why'd you put those pans on there? That you can say, I'm just drying them off. And that you don't immediately go down the. Because I'm a loser. I don't know how to participate in my own. You see what I'm saying?

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Some of that is you exhaling and choosing mindfulness and all. Mindfulness is trying to extend the gap between what just happened and. And what you do next. It's just being aware of that next moment. It's the same thing. People who struggle with addiction, who struggle with food overeating. Like, it's that I'm about to grab this thing. Exhale real quick. Am I actually hungry? Do I actually need the cigarette? Do I actually need to text this person back? I'm not married to. It's just stopping right before that action. And here's a funny thing that happen.

[Ben]

Challenge.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's a big challenge, but this is the work to be done.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I'm gonna. I'm gonna be a jerk real quick. I'll be an ass here and say, if you don't do this work, you're going to teach your kids the same cycle, and they're going to do it, too.

[Ben]

Gotcha.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so the work is for you and for y' all, but it's also like, this is change your family tree kind of stuff. And it's still going to feel a certain way. The challenge is the work is to go do the right thing anyway, because over time, your body will learn. Oh, my wife is safe. We love each other. We're in this thing together. All of this, though, brother, starts with, hey, for 30 days, when we wake up, I'm going to bring you a cup of coffee just like you like it. How can I love you today? And then come up with a couple of signals. For. Hey, I'm starting to. I'm getting overwhelmed. All right, I'm back. I'm just drying these things out, man. I'll get to them. I can't believe you didn't try them. I'll get to them. That's fine. And I'm not gonna. I'm not a bad dad. I'm not a bad husband. I'm doing my best. I'm good. I'm good. And it. Dude, none of us. It's just like shooting free throws, except it's in our heads and nobody taught us this. And I'm proud of you for even saying that out loud, for trying to do something you've never seen done before. It's impressive.

[Ben]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. And hey, if she wants to call, I would love to talk to her as well, because I think there's this. It gets in a dance here, man. If you guys want to reach back out and put in the heading reach back out, man. And you've got our contact info if she wants to be on too, because I think there's a couple of things we can do, y' all can do together that I'll walk with you both on both through to stop this dance before it actually gets. Gets going. But, man, can I just say one more time. The currency in the 21st century for men is emotional intelligence. How do I do this thing? How do I stay present and not explode? How do I stay present and not shut down? How do I meet my wife where she's at and stand firm? And that wasn't what our dads taught us. They had a different operating system. And so we are learning it on the fly. Brother, I am proud of you for standing in there and trying to learn something new. Absolutely incredible. Call me anytime, man. We come back, we talk to a young man who wonders why his parents forced him into youth sports.

[Jon]

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[Dr. John Deloney]

I look like a smoke show.

[Jon]

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[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, Dallas, Texas, let's talk to be in. What's up, Ben?

[Wayne]

Hey, Dr. John, thank you so much.

[Dr. John Deloney]

For taking my call. You got it. What's up, dude?

[Wayne]

And apologies in advance. I'm super nervous about this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, man, you're good. Don't ever apologize on this show, man. We're all trying to figure it out the best we can, man.

[Wayne]

Yeah. So my question is, how do I get past the resentment I still have from being forced to play youth sports?

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old are you?

[Wayne]

I'm 30.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. What are you resenting? What do youth sports cost you?

[Wayne]

Well, basically, here's some background on it. I was put in sports at a very early age. I played as long as I can remember and was just told, hey, here's the sport you're going to play. You're going to play it throughout high school and was just molded and shaped into the image other people wanted me to be. And I feel like in the end I became a decent player. But I feel like a lot of my childhood and teenage years were miserable.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you still have a relationship with your parents?

[Wayne]

Yes, my parents are amazing. I love them so much. And they are, you know, they've always been amazing parents when it came to everything. But when it comes to this, it's just like the one part that the only thing really I have, I struggle with, with the resentment issue.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I have a hard time believing that. Prove me wrong.

[Wayne]

Mainly, sports was a big part of my life. It was like I said something I did at a very early age. Travel, sports, youth sports, year round.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But you told me your parents were amazing and wonderful. So there's a scenario where you got to spend a lot of time with them, got to go on the road, go to hotels with them. You got to hear them cheering and screaming for you.

[Wayne]

Yes. And also a lot of long car rides home, a lot of yelling and screaming.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Then don't dishonor yourself by saying they're wonderful and great and the best parents of all time. Ever. Except for this one little thing. The honest truth is they did some really great stuff for you. They provided for you, they got you to. I'm just making stuff up. They got you to college. They're still married. They're good people. And maybe they used you to prop up their own insecurities. Maybe you were a walking, living, breathing trophy for them and no kid should have to carry that weight.

[Wayne]

Gotcha. It definitely felt like I never played the game, that I played the game for them and not. There you go for me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So here's a big question. You're 30 and, man, I could be out to lunch here, but I doubt it. What are you still doing in your life for them Sunday lunches? Are you a lawyer and you don't want to be. Do you still have to travel to Thanksgiving? Because this is how we do it in this family. You're driving a Volvo and really you want to drive. Like, what are the things you're still doing now because your dad gives you that nod?

[Wayne]

I feel like, you know, performance is a lot.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yep.

[Wayne]

So trying to do good at my job. Trying to do good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What does do good mean?

[Wayne]

Family. Trying to make sure I'm, you know, succeeding.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know, my job.

[Wayne]

I have to.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm drilling down on purpose. What does succeed mean? Does your dad ask you how much you made last year?

[Wayne]

Yeah. Making money.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There you go.

[Wayne]

That's a big part of it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you have kids?

[Wayne]

Yes, I have two are.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How old are they?

[Wayne]

One is two and the other one is six months.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so has he already started lecturing the two year old? Yes.

[Wayne]

No. We live in. Well, we live in a different city, so.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but when you see him, like. Well, hold on, we. Oh, whoa. Like when he. When the two year old acts two or talks back or does something silly.

[Wayne]

No, I mean, he will lecture me, but I kind of figure, yeah, he's my dad. He's always going to do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

He doesn't have to. He could sit outside on his front porch and drink a cup of coffee and be so happy that his son's home and get to just revel in his grandkids. He can just see that his son is smiling and his wife still likes him and it appears that he's making good money. But who cares because they're happy. The. The reason you have resent in your heart, brother, is not because they forced you to do sports growing up. It's because you're still playing a sport for them. Still. And that's exhausting, man.

[Wayne]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it wouldn't surprise me if your wife is tired of having her life also regulated by your parents. And it may be coming of age where you are seeing your two kids and you're starting to think, how in God's green earth could you talk or treat them like that?

[Wayne]

Yeah. Yeah, I have noticed myself thinking about that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. So your anger isn't past tense. It is right now. And can I just tell you this? Whatever it's worth, brother, like, I don't want to be cheesy. You are worth more than the money you make, and you're worth more than the stupid sports you played. And I wish your memories of car rides with your parents was filled with fart noises and singing along to Garth Brooks songs and not getting lectured about how you should stand and hold your stance better for baseball or whatever. Thanks. That breaks my heart for you and for the millions of other kids who are in the exact same situation, whose parents are using them as proxies for their. To rerun their childhood. So the only thing you got now ahead of you, brother, is whatever comes next, that other stuff's already happened. What does that look like? Here's what it looks like. It's like putting your feet in the ground and standing up really tall. And not in a dishonorable way, but doing things like, how's your year going? Good. Well, how much money have you made? You know what? I'm just going to start keeping that private between me and my wife. Are you serious right now? Yeah, I'm just. I'm just gonna. Just stop talking about money. Hey, Thanksgiving, we're doing the. Actually, this year for Thanksgiving, we're going to go to Disneyland, taking the kids. Your mother's going to be really up. Yeah. This year, we're not going to come, and you're going to feel guilty, you feel ashamed, you're going to feel less than. And there's going to be the. The. You know, you really hurt your mother, all that stuff. That's okay. My days of living my life for y' all are now officially over. I have my own wife and my own kids, and every bit of this will feel hard and weird. All right. I'm throwing a lot at you. Talk back.

[Wayne]

Yeah, I mean, yeah, I just. To think about, you know, throwing my shoulders back and just being with my family and kind of taking charge. Sounds good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Will you do it?

[Wayne]

Yeah, I will.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can I flip this whole thing over on you? For a second.

[Wayne]

Yeah, go for it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Does your mom and dad know?

[Wayne]

Do they know about the resentment?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

I don't think so. The few times it's been brought up, they kind of just shrug their shoulders and go, what do you mean? Of course you had fun playing.

[Dr. John Deloney]

No, I'm not talking about the resentment from childhood sports. I still think that's the proxy I'm talking about right now. When your mom calls and asks, have you done this with your kids yet? Why are you letting them. Dude, you don't get a vote. They don't get a vote, brother. Do they know that?

[Wayne]

I hope they do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That means they don't. Hey, and I don't blame you. Is. That's a hard conversation, right? It will be cruel if you find yourself continuing along the same path, doing what they want to do, responding to their inquiries, trying to be successful so that somehow, some way, your dad will finally say he's proud of you and. Or at least not say he's disappointed in you. And you come to resent them. Because that resentment will be on the back of you not having boundaries because you're 30 years old now. You. You are now no longer being dragged around in the back of a suburban. And so the most fair and honorable thing you can do for them is to establish boundaries so that you can preserve the relationship. The most unfair thing you can do is just to say nothing and continue to seethe and seethe and see, then seethe until you finally explode. Can I tell you how this works in my house?

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I would ask your wife to make you a list of the ways that you are still being parented by your mom and dad, because I promise you, she knows. And say, I won't get mad. I'm just going to listen. I will not respond until tomorrow. But I have a piece of. A piece of paper and a pen. What are all the ways you see me still being a high school kid when it comes to my relationship with my parents? And she's probably going to say, you text back with every second. You always have the phone. You always step out whenever your dad calls. You are always having to report stuff to your dad because you need to make sure he knows how much money you made on the sale or what. And every time your mom comments on why is the kid's shoes scuffed up that you turn around and why aren't we calling enough or FaceTiming enough, or she's probably got a whole list of things. Give her permission to shine a light in the areas where you can't see where it's dark. And then I want you just to exhale and spend a couple of days with that list and ask yourself, is this true? And then begin the hard, painful, awful, hellish walk that is right back through the middle of that. I don't need their approval anymore. I wish I had their love be awesome, but I don't have their approval anymore. And I never had it in the first place. And all of their weight on me was never about me. It was about them. And they actually probably did want the best for me. They just didn't know how to say it. So they thought performance was the best. And then, anyway, I gotta walk back through the middle of that and on the other end, you're gonna stand up tall and say, this is my house with my wife. And as for us in our house, here's how we're going to be. Mom and dad. We want you to be a part of it. We hope you are. But here's what that means. That's a tough, tough, tough road, brother. And I'm not saying cut them out, but I'm saying it's time for you to get out of the back of that Tahoe or that suburban and begin to live your own life. This is not about childhood sports. This is about right now. We'll be right back.

[Jon]

I grew up playing sports and I've grown up in weight rooms my whole life. And I realized a few years ago that I took for granted how frustrating, how nerve wracking it can be for someone who's never worked out before to just waltz into a gym or a weight room or a workout class for the first time. And now that I'm getting older, when I find myself in a traditional gym, even I find myself, like, sizing up some beefcake muscle head just to see where I compare. Listen, here's the truth. We all need to lift weights. Men, women, young and old, everyone needs to lift heavy things. We all need to move more. And knowing what to do, when to do it, even how to do it can be super intimidating. So whether you've been lifting and working out for decades or you're ready to get started for the first time, I want you to check out the incredible programs with my friends at Trainwell. I've used their workouts. My wife and her friends use them. My older sister is getting jacked with her Train well trainer. And even Kelly. Even Kelly, the producer of this show, is now a Train well devotee. It's a movement. Train well offers tailored workouts with step by Step guidance from real people. Meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To start, you just take a short quiz. You get matched with a real life coach, someone who will actually listen to you and work with you to build a plan that works for your body, for your season of life and for where you want to go. They have videos that give you step by step guidance and your trainer will check in with you after your workouts to see how you did and how you're feeling. Now is the time to take control of your body once and for all. Check out my friends at Trainwell. And Trainwell has a special offer for my audience. Just $89 a month when you lock in your plan, plus 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney right now that's T R A I N trainwell.net DeLoney.

[Dr. John Deloney]

All right, Kelly, what happened? That was cool.

[Kelly]

All right. This is a wonderful email from Jason in Lexington, South Carolina.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Awesome.

[Kelly]

He says. All right. Hey, Dr. John and Kelly, you are going to be getting an invitation to my wedding soon. I'm marrying the woman in my dreams, Emily Gross, in June. It wouldn't have happened without you and your team. When I discovered your book randomly in August, we were good, but I had a lot of work to do. Since I discovered you, I've read both of your books, never missed a show, and have begun a journey to wellness with a therapist. I need you to know that you have impact. Even if a call seemingly has nothing to do with my life, you always apply wisdom and an action step that I can use somewhere else. Your impact is massive. I know you can't come, but please see the invitation for what it is. Proof that you are changing lives one struggling person at a time. And then I am going to read the last sentence of this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, here we go.

[Kelly]

And I everyone in here, these things. Kelly, thank you. It is so clear that you were the glue that holds this amazing team together.

[Wayne]

Boo.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Ben is and Andrew and Kelly, K2Amen and Mia.

[Kelly]

I just read what the fans send in.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. All right. They do. That's the nicest email I've got in a while. We've got some mean ones. That's a nice one. Where are they getting married?

[Kelly]

He didn't say, but they are from Lexington, South Carolina. So road trip.

[Dr. John Deloney]

We should all go. That would be a great wedding bomb. So we roll in there. Dude. It'd be also funny if we put their like their registry in the show. Notes and just encourage everyone just to nuke it. If we did that, it would be chaos. We'd get registries all. We can't do that. But that would be cool. Let's think of something fun to do for the wedding. We'll come up with something maybe, you know, that be dope. Hey, if they come here, Kelly will go get a tattoo with you. Another one? That would be cool.

[Kelly]

Nope.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Old English ones?

[Kelly]

Nope.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Whatever. KDFL for life. What's your favorite hip hop group? I can say some country artist.

[Kelly]

Well, no, because you said hip hop.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It doesn't matter.

[Kelly]

So that wouldn't be a country.

[Dr. John Deloney]

What was that? Hip hop country guy back in the 90s. He's from Dallas. He's from DFW.

[Kelly]

Hip hop country guy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. What was his name? I was gonna say Cowboy Curtis, but that's Cowboy Troy. Cowboy Troy.

[Kelly]

That wasn't great.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know.

[Kelly]

No, that wasn't great. Let's not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Let's not. Yeah. Hey, everybody. Love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs. Go find somebody and be extra kind and tip well.