My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show
Episode: My Husband’s Mistress Got Pregnant After I Had Our Baby
Release Date: April 25, 2025
Host: Dr. John DeLoney
Produced by: Ramsey Network

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses complex relationship dynamics and mental health challenges through heartfelt conversations with listeners. The episode delves into themes of infidelity, moving forward after betrayal, sexual intimacy issues in new marriages, the impact of romance novels on marital relationships, and coping with a spouse’s relapse into alcohol addiction. Dr. DeLoney offers compassionate advice, practical strategies, and empowering insights to help listeners navigate their personal struggles.

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Caller Segment: Renee’s Experience with Infidelity and Single Motherhood

Caller: Renee from Seattle
Topic: Moving on from her ex-husband's affair while raising her child.

Renee’s Story

Renee shares her painful journey of discovering her ex-husband's affair during her pregnancy. She explains how her husband not only engaged in an extramarital relationship but also moved his mistress into their family home while she was away seeking support from her family. The affair resulted in Renee’s ex-husband fathering a child with his mistress, who is now pregnant again. Despite the challenges, Renee has secured full custody of her son and is striving to rebuild her life in Seattle.

Key Points:

• Met her ex-husband through work in 2015, married in 2021, and had a child in February 2023.
• Discovered the affair in May 2022, leading to abusive behavior and substance abuse by her husband.
• Ex-husband moved his mistress into their home during Renee’s maternity leave.
• Divorce finalized in December, granting Renee full custody.
• Struggles with maintaining firm boundaries with her ex-husband’s family.

Dr. John DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of cutting ties with toxic individuals to preserve Renee’s mental well-being. He encourages her to block her ex-husband and his mistress from all forms of communication to avoid further emotional turmoil. Additionally, he highlights the significance of focusing on her son’s upbringing and establishing a stable, supportive environment free from negativity.

Notable Quotes:

• [03:28] Dr. DeLoney: "I want you to block them both. I want you to cut. I don't want you to know what's going on in his life with his new affair partner. It's just... it's gonna make you insane."
• [08:19] Dr. DeLoney: "This little boy won the lottery when he got you as his mama. And nobody wants to go to war with their child's father or their child's mother. And you had to, to keep him safe. That makes you a good mom."
• [15:01] Dr. DeLoney: "You are worth being loved. And you're worth the work. So is that little boy."

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Caller Segment: Bonita’s Struggle with Sexual Intimacy in a New Marriage

Caller: Bonita from Memphis, Tennessee
Topic: Navigating sexual intimacy issues with her newly married husband.

Bonita’s Story

Bonita discusses the difficulties she faces in her new marriage regarding sexual intimacy. Having been married for only four months after a five-year relationship, she expresses frustration over her husband's reluctance to engage in sexual activities. Despite his affectionate behavior, actual intimacy remains rare, leading her to question whether this is normal and how to address it effectively.

Key Points:

• Married in November after a long-term relationship with a brief breakup.
• Both partners had committed to abstaining from sex until marriage.
• Post-marriage, her husband shows affection but avoids sexual engagement.
• Concerns about the normalcy of their sexual frequency and communication barriers.
• Husband’s traumatic childhood experiences influencing his adult behavior.

Dr. John DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney guides Bonita to establish firm communication strategies and seek professional help. He encourages her to initiate open, honest conversations about their sexual relationship outside of the bedroom to avoid associating these discussions with intimacy. Additionally, he recommends couples counseling to address underlying trauma and rebuild their intimate connection.

Notable Quotes:

• [21:04] Dr. DeLoney: "He's affectionate and loving. Just when it comes to the act... what's concerning for me is I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him."
• [28:10] Dr. DeLoney: "Here's what's important. You have a new marriage, and let's draw some real firm boundaries right now."
• [32:29] Dr. DeLoney: "You're not crazy for trying to bridge the gap and connecting the two."

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Caller Segment: Johnny’s Concerns About Romance Novels Affecting His Marriage

Caller: Johnny from Boise, Idaho
Topic: The impact of romance novels on marital intimacy and connection.

Johnny’s Story

Johnny expresses his worries that his wife’s engagement with romance novels is affecting their sexual relationship. He feels that her fantasies, inspired by these novels, create unrealistic expectations and lead her to mentally escape during intimacy, diminishing their connection. Despite open communication, Johnny struggles with feeling disconnected and questions whether he's overreacting.

Key Points:

• Married for seven years with children.
• Wife's reading of romance novels influences her sexual fantasies.
• Feels that these fantasies cause her to disengage mentally during sex.
• Concerned about declining communication and emotional intimacy.
• Attempts to connect mentally but finds it unfulfilling.

Dr. John DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the complexities of integrating fantasies into a relationship and differentiates between healthy exploration and emotional infidelity. He advises Johnny to have intentional, non-sexual conversations about their sexual relationship to address the disconnect. Dr. DeLoney also recommends reading relevant literature together to foster understanding and rebuild intimacy.

Notable Quotes:

• [36:27] Dr. DeLoney: "Imagining you're having sex with somebody else while you're with your partner is unhealthy. Let me say it that way."
• [45:13] Dr. DeLoney: "You're not crazy. Wanting to be with your husband's not crazy. Is not. Doesn't make you crazy."
• [50:53] Dr. DeLoney: "And this is all same team language. This is not me versus you language."

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Caller Segment: Kelly’s Husband’s Relapse into Alcohol on Her Birthday

Caller: Kelly from Denver
Topic: Coping with her husband’s relapse into alcohol consumption despite her sobriety.

Kelly’s Story

Kelly recounts her struggle after achieving two weeks of sobriety from alcohol following an eight-year addiction. Despite her efforts, her husband, who does not have an alcohol problem, relapsed by consuming a pint of vodka on her birthday, leading to her feeling resentful and questioning if she is the problem in their relationship.

Key Points:

• Two weeks sober from alcohol; her husband does not struggle with alcohol.
• Husband consumed an entire pint of vodka on Kelly’s birthday.
• The incident occurred despite their agreement to stop drinking together.
• Kelly experiences resentment and self-doubt regarding her role in the situation.
• Challenges in maintaining sobriety amidst a supportive yet inconsistent partner.

Dr. John DeLoney’s Advice

Dr. DeLoney affirms that Kelly is not at fault and emphasizes the importance of mutual support in sobriety. He advises her to continue her commitment to recovery while encouraging her husband to respect her journey. Dr. DeLoney underscores the necessity of working together in a partnership to overcome addiction-related challenges.

Notable Quotes:

• [54:27] Dr. DeLoney: "No, that was super uncompassionate and not cool. Yeah, yeah... You are not the problem, brother."
• [55:50] Dr. DeLoney: "If somebody, one of you says, hey, I want to get healthy... Just swallow your ego and your pride and say, ride or die, man."
• [56:25] Dr. DeLoney: "You cannot get hammered and wasted and stop by a liquor store."

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Conclusion

Throughout this episode, Dr. John DeLoney provides empathetic and actionable advice to listeners grappling with deeply personal and challenging relationship issues. From coping with infidelity and rebuilding sexual intimacy to managing addiction and fostering emotional connections, Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of honest communication, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking professional support. His compassionate approach empowers listeners to navigate their struggles and work towards healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

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Additional Resources Mentioned

• Book Recommendation: Dopamine Nation by Anna Lembke – A modern masterpiece exploring addiction and dopamine’s role in behavior.
• Book Recommendation: Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski – A guide to understanding and enhancing intimacy in relationships.

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For more insights and support, listeners are encouraged to reach out through voicemail at 844-693-3291 or email [e-mail].

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

What's up? What's up? Listen, me and Dave Ramsey are hitting the road and coming to a city near you, bringing our shows about life, money and relationships to your town. It's almost here, so don't wait. Grab your tickets for this amazing [e-mail] tour.

[Renee]

How can I move on from my ex husband's affair and focus on raising my child? He was engaging in an affair with a girl from work, and at that time he moved her into our family home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait a minute. He moved his person he's having the affair with in y'all's house? What is going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. A Texan who found himself living in Nashville for the last, golly dude, almost half decade. How long we been here? Seven years now. Long time taking your calls on your. On your emotions, your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, whatever you got going on in your life. I just got back from Texas shooting Chris Williamson show Modern Wisdom. And he was super kind and super hospitable. Had a great time. It was also just being back in Texas made me a little bit happy. Made me a little bit happy. And also, man, I love coming back to Nashville where water falls from the sky a few times a week. It's pretty great. All right, let's go out to Seattle, home of Allison Chains and talk to Renee. Hey, Renee. What's up?

[Renee]

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking my call.

[Dave Ramsey]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Renee]

So my question is, how can I move on from my ex husband's affair and focus on raising my child?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What happened? I'm so sorry.

[Renee]

So I kind of wrote it all down. So.

[Bonita]

Yeah, just read it really quick.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, read it.

[Renee]

I wrote my ex and I met in 2015 through work. We dated, and in 2021, we bought our house and got married. In May of 2022, I found out I was pregnant. Around the same time, I also learned he was engaging in an affair with a girl from work who is 10 years younger than him. Over the duration of my pregnancy, he turned into someone I didn't recognize. He was very abusive and began doing drugs and drinking heavily with this girl. Our son was born in February of 2023 and he was not super present. So I was on maternity leave and I decided to go visit my family over here in Seattle and get some support from them. And at that time, he moved her into our family home and so I could not go back home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait a minute. He moved his. His person. He's having the affair with. In his. In Yalls house.

[Renee]

Yeah. Well, I was gone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God.

[Renee]

And then she got pregnant.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Jeez.

[Renee]

So their child was born in January of 2024, and I actually just recently found out she's pregnant again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you divorced? Officially, yes.

[Renee]

Our divorce is finalized in December.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have full custody?

[Renee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

100% yes.

[Renee]

Yeah. It's in our parenting plan that he has to get some help before he can be involved in our son's life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so this is going to be a really hard thing I'm about to say to you. Okay.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to block them both. I want you to cut. I don't, I don't want you to know what's going on in his life with his new affair partner. It's, it's just, it's, it's gonna make you insane. The courts have split y'all up. You have a hundred percent custody. You never saw yourself as a single mom, and here we are.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Every time you get online, every time you hear the rumors, are y'all still working at the same place?

[Renee]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Renee]

So I live in Seattle. They live about five hours away. Um, and they're, they're actually not together anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course they are. I mean, he's just completely utter scumbag.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course they're not together. God almighty. I'm so sorry. But listen, I, I, I, I know this is hard, and there's a lot of things we could talk about moving forward, but this is ground zero. You can't look back.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And unfortunately, you were with somebody. You married somebody. You bought a house with somebody. You, you met a human with somebody who's just as. I mean, he's a terrible guy. He lacks complete nutter character. And you've. If you've listened to the show. You know, I don't talk about people who struggle with addiction that way. I don't. This is a person who completely and utterly lacks character.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we're gonna, we're gonna have to move forward. We're gonna have to look forward. And the first step there is just owning reality. Tell me about reality. Did you all sell that house? I'm assuming no.

[Renee]

So he actually stopped paying on it. So into foreclosure. Luckily, the deed, like, it's only in his name.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Renee]

I help pay for things, so that'll just hit his credit, which is fine. And then, I mean, I moved over to Seattle. I have built a life for my son, and I guess I'm just struggling in holding Firm boundaries with like his family because they had condoned and kind of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is no boundaries to hold. They don't exist. There's no boundaries. They don't exist.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. There's no boundaries there. If this was a situation where his mom and dad were really amazing people and they were doing what they could to be present in the life of their grandkids and they were. They were team Renee. That's another story. That's not the case here. Yeah, they're a part of the cancer.

[Renee]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so your obligation, number one, is to you being well and whole. Them in your life does not help you be well and whole in any way. Number two, it is all. All focus on this little boy and giving him a good life. Because you. You know as well as I do it's going to be hard enough as it is.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so let's put all of our focus. You owe that other squad nothing.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. If they want to be a part of their grandkids life, which I really wish they would be, then it's their job to make the appropriate apologies, to be emotionally regulated, to get in the car and drive. It's their job at this point.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And like I say, I. Man, if you want to block them all, I'd block them all. They just don't get a vote. They don't get a vote. Okay, I know that sounds harsh, but they're burying you. And the courts have said, move on. The, like your psychological well being said, move on. You've got a life there. Do you have family support on your side?

[Renee]

Oh, yeah, I have. My family's close by, so it's nice to have them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But they're helping. They're not. They're not nutty too?

[Renee]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing. Okay. Amazing. So can we just do something for a second?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Take as big a deep breath as you can and hold it. And I want you to take your fist and put it right in the middle of your chest. And then I want you to exhale real big and make this noise. I didn't hear it. Do it again. Do it louder. Big, big, big deep breath. And then go. Okay. When you're off the phone, I want you to do it really loud to where it's almost a yell. Okay?

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can hear your chest is so knotted up.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so hear me really carefully. This is not your fault.

[Dave Ramsey]

That little boy won the lottery when.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He got you as his mama. And nobody wants to go to war with their child's father or their child's mother. And you had to, to keep him safe. That makes you a good mom.

[Renee]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Would I wish this on anybody? No. But I want you to start re establishing trust with Renee because you don't trust Renee anymore. Fair?

[Renee]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. You think you pick crazy men. You think you made bad decisions. You don't think you're a good mom. You think, oh, my gosh, my son's gonna be raised by a single mom. He deserves better. I wouldn't wish this on this little boy for anything, but you're a good mom.

[Renee]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how we're going to focus on raising this kid as we are going to look to the future. Want to make sure you're economically stable, make sure this kid knows what love is, what it feels like. Make sure this kid knows what boundaries are so that you're not living out of some sense of, I've got to be overly permissive because I don't ever want him to be sad. Little kids are supposed to be sad. Little kids are supposed to not like their parents every once in a while. And that's okay. It doesn't mean you're a bad mom.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And on certain nights when he's asleep and you are collapsing into bed, it's okay to grab the sheets real tight and squeeze them and bang on the mattress, because it's not supposed to be like this. It's okay.

[Bonita]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. But I want you to block everybody. They don't get a vote. And if your husband gets the help he needs and gets clean and goes to a rehab program and then petitions the court and then shows up on your front door on a knee and says, I'm so sorry, we'll have that conversation. Call me back. I think you. You and I both know that's probably not coming.

[Renee]

Yeah, No, I don't expect it to at all, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And as your kid gets older, the conversation is, daddy. You're like, where's my dad? Where's Daddy? He was very, very sick, and he had to go away, and we both miss him.

[Renee]

Yeah. I mean, we have pictures up of him with him for, like, the first two months he was around, but he hasn't. I mean, he's not old enough to really grasp that understanding yet. But that is definitely one thing that I'm struggling with is telling him when he's older. So I don't want to lie to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Him, but it's just Daddy was sick, and I, I, I may. Man, right off the top. I, I would probably take those Pictures down right now.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when he's old enough to begin to ask questions, where's my dad? You can say, here's a picture. But daddy was very, very sick and we miss him. And there's going to be, there's going to come a time when he's mad, when you're the bad guy. That's just part of the situation that you're in. And that's where you being, well, you being healthy, you being financially stable, you having a good gang around you, family, friends, all that so that when those storms come, you can weather them.

[Bonita]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And what we're looking for is to raise a great 25 year old man. Okay?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what we're looking for. And that means he's going to have to, he's going to have to have other men in his life. So he has a picture of what good men look like. Does he have a good relationship with your dad?

[Renee]

Oh, yeah. And my, not my bio dad, I don't know my bio dad. So I think that kind of aids in this feeling that I have. It does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Because you're wondering what's wrong with you because you got left again, huh?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Nothing.

[Renee]

Okay. But yeah, he, my, my dad that's raised me since I was little, he's very involved and my brothers are great with him. So he definitely has those male figures in his life, which I'm very thankful for.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you do something amazing for your brothers and your dad?

[Renee]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you take them out for breakfast one morning on a Saturday?

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let them know, look your stepdad in the eye and say, daddies aren't supposed to leave their little girls. And my dad did. And you stepped in. And dads aren't supposed to leave their little boys. And look to your brothers and look to your stepdad and say. And you all stepped up. Thank you. And I'm going to lean on you guys because I want him to know what a good man looks like. So this cycle stops here and I can't do it without you guys. Like it's easy to just kind of assume. But that kind of conversation from a single mom to his step, her stepdad, that kind of conversation to your brothers will be like a tall glass of water in the desert for them. Okay. And it will give them additional purpose. Is that cool?

[Renee]

Yes. I would love to do that for them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And then you never stop asking for help when you need it. Okay.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me, let me tell you this, and I'm not telling you this to pour salt In a wound. I'm telling you this to give you another side. Okay?

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When I'm on the road and I'm away from my daughter for three nights, I get to where I can't breathe. I don't sleep well, I don't exhale right. I get grouchy. Dads are not supposed to leave their daughters. I'm so sorry that happened to you, but that was because something was going on with your dad, not because of you.

[Renee]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when I'm around. Not around my son for a couple of nights, he's 14, he's tall, he smells, he's got hairy legs. And I get to where I don't breathe right, I don't sleep right if I'm not around him. Okay.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dads aren't supposed to leave their sons. And I'm sorry that you. Your ex husband, did that to you. And when I'm not around my wife for a few nights, man, we've had our ups and downs over the last couple of decades, but, man, I don't. I just don't sleep right. I don't. I don't move through the world. Right? Husbands aren't supposed to leave their wives. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Renee]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but listen.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My one promise. Sometimes I get things wrong on the show, but I'm always gonna tell the truth. You're a good mom. And your little boy won the lottery when he got you to be his mama. Okay?

[Renee]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But you got work to do, right?

[Renee]

Oh, yeah.

[Johnny]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You call anytime, Renee, and I'm always gonna be here to take your call. And anything I can do, let me know. But let's get to blocking folks today. They don't need explanations. They don't. They don't need any of that. They don't need Facebook, Instagram, all that stuff. No more taking grenades from a family that just wants to throw grenades. We're done with that. We're gonna start looking forward with the family we got. And we're gonna create an amazing world for you and for that little boy. You, my friend, are worth being loved. And you're worth the work. So is that little boy. Blessings to you, Renee. We'll be right back.

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

Help you feel good.

[Dave Ramsey]

And their red juice is filled with antioxidants and it recharges your mind and your body with natural energy. It's focused without the caffeine jitters.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know about caffeine jitters.

[Dave Ramsey]

And finally, don't forget Organifi's greatest hits album. The Organifi Starter kit with red and green juice travel packs and magnesium capsules for easy access to good stuff even when you're on the go Right now you'll save 20% on the kit at Organifi.com Deloney with promo code Deloney Right now. Go to O R G A N I f I organifi.com DeLoney today and use code DeLoney for 20% off everything else on their site. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, you've heard me say this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A thousand times and I'm just going.

[Dave Ramsey]

To keep saying it. You're worth being well and I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think a lot of you probably should do.

[Dave Ramsey]

But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Maybe it's the cost.

[Dave Ramsey]

But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Some of you have tracker wash watches. Some of you just knit all day.

[Dave Ramsey]

I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well being, we don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news? Better Help makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With a licensed therapist.

[Dave Ramsey]

And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hear me say this. Your wellbeing is worth it. You are worth it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's betterhelp.

[Dave Ramsey]

H E L p.com/deloney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, we are back. Hey, don't forget to subscribe and like the show, man. Please just take 30 seconds and hit the subscribe button or roll off and do a quick five star review. It makes such a major, major difference for everybody involved. It really helps the show. If just a percentage of you would do that, man, it would send the show through the stratosphere and I'd be so, so grateful. Thank you so much. And don't forget tonight I'm in Atlanta. Can't wait to be there at the beautiful Fox theater. And it's going to be incredible. Show's been going awesome and I'm going to be there with my friend Dave Ramsey. And Phoenix, May 5, Fort Worth, May 7, Kansas City, May N. Your [e-mail] tour. It is Wheels off a blast. A total blast. This show live, plus a whole bunch of other craziness. So can't wait to see you guys. All right, let's go to Memphis, Tennessee and talk to Bonita. What's up, Bonita?

[Bonita]

Hi.

[Kelly]

How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing fantastic. How about you?

[Bonita]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. What's going on?

[Bonita]

Oh, just here today, I guess talking about it seemed like. Oh, it seemed like an embarrassment topic. But you know, I've had issues with my husband.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it.

[Bonita]

Trying to get him to business. I'm sorry, I'm trying to get him to have more, you know, in intimate, very intimate. I'm just saying. I just wanted. I want him to have sex with me more often.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

More sex. There you go. Okay. Yeah, let's just put it out on the table. That's the best way to do it. All right.

[Bonita]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So how long you been married?

[Bonita]

A few months. About four months. We got married in November. Okay, November.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long y'all been together?

[Bonita]

Somewhat. Four years, five years. There's like a breakup in between. But we met in college and then, you know, we finished college and then we had a long distance relationship. And then after we finally got settled down, got a place and some cars and jobs, then, you know, we got married.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so is this new or has he always been sexually avoidant or is this. Does this just Pop up after you got married, or did y'all wait to have sex before you got married, and then all of a sudden you like, tell me. Tell me about the trajectory here.

[Bonita]

Well, it's always been our objective to wait until we were married. We did mess up a little bit at the beginning of our relationship. Then, you know, we stopped, and we were like, you know, we want to wait. So about three years after, before we got married, we didn't do anything, and now we're married, and it's almost like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'Re ready to rock it on to the break of dawn, and it's not happening, huh?

[Bonita]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when you've talked to him, what does he say?

[Bonita]

I mean, he says that, you know, he would like to whatever, and he. Because he, you know, tells me I'm beautiful and stuff, all that, and he loves to do this and that, but then he does it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he. Does he push you away?

[Bonita]

Not, like, physically. Like, he'll hold me and touch me and stuff like that, but when it comes to actually doing it, it's rare. Like, at first, when I first asked about, you know, this call, we didn't really do it. Now, since then, it's been, you know, a few. A handful of times. But that's out of, like, four months or so. And I was like, is this normal or. I didn't know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he struggling with. Is he struggling with erections? He's struggling with erectile dysfunction.

[Bonita]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so he's affectionate and loving. Just when it comes to the act. I mean, like, without being. I don't want to put you in. I don't want you to talk about anything you don't want to talk about. Okay, But I'm trying to get to. I'm trying to paint me a picture in my mind of, he's affectionate, y'all are hugging, y'all are touching, you start kissing, and then you think, all right, it's on. And then what happens? He just get up and leave? As you go outside, does he get on the phone? Like, what does he do?

[Bonita]

Well, he prefers. Honestly, when we get to that point, he usually would say, well, I'm not in the mood. And he prefers to honestly hop on his game. You know, sometimes when we do do it, it's. He goes as far as, you know, what he kind of wants to do, and he might touch me here or there, but other than that, it's what he's feeling or what he wants, and then I'm done. Or I'm tired, and that's those very Few cases because he just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, so he gets off and then he just leaves you hanging and then he's off playing his video games.

[Bonita]

Yeah, yeah. If he does it. Yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So no, it's not normal. And I, I don't put a. I'm really reluctant. In fact, I will never give somebody the data on what's normal. Like how much sex is. Should a couple be having each week. And like some people have it every day, some people have it twice a day, some people have it twice a month. What's important is, is that both people talk about it and there is some give and there is some take and there is some. There's all kind of support and all that kind of stuff. But when it comes down to it, it is what we both need. And what, and more importantly, what do we both want? And what's concerning for me is I'm hoping that you've been really direct with him. Like y'all have been out on a date, y'all been having dinner together and you say, hey, we've got to talk about this, what's going on? And I'm trusting that you've had that. Have you been pretty direct with him?

[Bonita]

Yeah. Okay, well, at this point, yeah, because it's. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so something else is going on and it would be a fool's errand for me to try to just guess I can put some things out there. He could have some, some pretty significant psychological hang hang ups. He may have had abuse as a kid, he may have had sex was so. He came from a household where sex was so shameful that just flipping that switch as a married man, it's, it's just, he can't do it. He may be one of the, what I would call the sexless generation that just grew up with, with that light switch completely off and spent their whole life on video games, did not hold hands and didn't try to kiss girls in high school and college. I think it's, which I think is healthy. And all of a sudden there's been what I would call it, I don't want to overstate it, an impotence epidemic. 18 to 25 year olds who can't get it up, but because they're, they've, for lack of better terms, they've blown out the hedonic sensor in their mind. Right. And so I don't know what his background with pornography use with only fans. Like, I don't, I, I don't know. And it may be as, as far as he needs to get his testosterone checked. Or he's struggling with attraction to you. He's gay. There's a thousand different things that might be the case.

[Bonita]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what's important is you keep going. Go ahead. So I threw a bunch of stuff out there. Tell me what you think.

[Bonita]

Well, I'm glad you mentioned those things, because he did go through foster care for a little bit when he was growing up, and I thought it was kind of ironic that you mentioned that, because I honestly was sexually abused for a long time while I was growing up by my own father.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry, honey, can I just stop you for a second? I'm sorry.

[Bonita]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, it happens, unfortunately.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. But hold on. That's a big, gnarly deal, and I'm sorry.

[Bonita]

Oh. Oh, thanks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not supposed to happen.

[Bonita]

Well, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Bonita]

Yeah, I had to find that out. Geez, I'm so glad I found it out, though. Yeah. Yes, I was fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not. It's not fine. Don't say that. It's not fine.

[Bonita]

Oh, well, not. Well, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Bonita]

But.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here we. Here we are. Okay. All right. I don't derail us, but just want to always pause for a second when I hear that and just let somebody know, I hear you and I see you, and I'm sorry.

[Bonita]

Oh, I appreciate that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're talking about him. You. You. Did he experience a real rough go at it, too, as a kid?

[Bonita]

Somewhat. He's. His. They. His parents did have to get a divorce, and then his father had to fight for custody because they were more willing to give him to his mother instead of his father. But his mother wasn't the best parent at. At the time, and he ended up going from home to home for a little second. And some of the people weren't the best or even as a child, tried to force him to drink alcohol for, like, you know, because they thought it was funny to see the reaction of a child drink alcohol. But he got out of that, thank God, and his father got him back full custody, and he raised him from that point, so that was good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what's important. Here's what's important. You have a new marriage, and let's draw some real firm boundaries right now. And boundary number one is. Well, actually, I'm not going to use the word boundaries. Let's come up with some very firm game plans moving forward.

[Renee]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For the rest of your marriage. I've been married, gosh, 23 years now, and I've been With. I was with her five years before that. And we've had big ups and we've had big downs. Okay. That's just part of being married. We're on the roller coaster. But the thing that we had, we had to develop. My wife and I had to develop out of necessity. Right. To make sure we could stay together was when, when we get apart on an issue that we have a way to come to the table and talk about it and be honest. And both of us love each other enough to go get the help we need if we need it.

[Bonita]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so if he looks at you and says, I don't love you enough to stop playing video games, I don't love you enough to go talk to a counselor about the fact that I'm attracted to this, to my wife. I love my wife, but I have no interest in pleasing her in the bedroom. None. He's got to go see somebody. If he would rather look at pornography and by himself than be with his wife, or he might find himself completely asexual. That's not an un. That's an increasing trend. Not because people aren't innately sexual, but because there's so many distractions and so many other things. Just handing out free dopamine in our lives, especially in our childhoods that come all the way up to adulthood, that just make it. Makes it hard. And it's, it's really. I mean, I'm just speaking from experience. I can't imagine a more embarrassing thing than being a 25 year old guy who finds himself not wanting to have sex with his wife, who kind of wants to, but he doesn't want to want to. And having to go talk to somebody, that's an embarrassing thing. But he needs to love you that much. You're worth that. And so is he.

[Bonita]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The bigger issue here beneath the sex is this will come up with kids, this will come up with home, this will come up with jobs, this will come up with one of y'all gets a promotion and you want, you're gonna have to move though, and do we move or not move? All that stuff. Whenever you have a little girl, you're gonna have like a GPS pin that sets off in the middle of your chest because you remember what it's like getting abused by the person who's supposed to love you most, right? You're going to find yourself hyper vigilant. You're like, so everybody responds differently to life. And what's. What, what's important with marriage is two people who are head over like, not head over heels, are firmly committed in a compassionate way to saying, I want to love you the best that I can. Okay? That's what we're shooting for here. And so the bigger issue is not that he's 25 and doesn't want to have sex with his wife. The bigger issue here is you've said, hey, I want you and I need you, and I miss you. And he said, yeah, I'm in the middle of a Fortnite game.

[Bonita]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's what can't happen in a marriage.

[Bonita]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying? So it's a good moment to flip on before this dance gets entrenched. I've been married for a few months, man. Flip on every light in that house and say, I'm putting down a boundary. I don't need you to do anything. But I'm going to say what I want and what I need. And I'm going to ask you, will you please go come with me to see a marriage counselor? Will you please come with me? And by the way, I'm going to give you all I know. Being young and married is hard and finances are tough. I'm going to give you three free months with my friends at Better Help. You can do it online. You don't even have to get in the car and drive anywhere. Y'all can do it at home with a computer screen, and y'all can sit side by side and do couples counseling. Right? Like that. Okay.

[Bonita]

Oh, wow. Oh, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With a licensed therapist. Okay.

[Bonita]

Oh, I appreciate that a lot. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's probably not going to be enough. Both of y'all are come from pretty traumatic backgrounds. At some point, you all going to need to talk to somebody. But I know it's expensive, and I know it's hard to get to find somebody right out of the gate. Okay.

[Bonita]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he needs to be able to articulate here is why I am not interested in pleasing my wife. Y'all got to put that out on the table. You're owed at least that much. And he needs to be honest with himself.

[Bonita]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And both of you are going to have to deal with that trauma at some point.

[Bonita]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Bonita]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Can I tell you something? You're not crazy.

[Bonita]

Oh, no, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not crazy.

[Bonita]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wanting to be with your husband's not crazy.

[Bonita]

Oh, that's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You want your husband to just to. To please you back. Is not. Doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to be more important than video games doesn't make you crazy. And wanting to have wheels off, peel the wallpaper off. Sex as a newlywed doesn't make you crazy.

[Bonita]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're not nuts.

[Bonita]

Oh, that's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You're a good wife.

[Bonita]

Oh, okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he's clearly struggling with something. So let's do this. Let's clear the table and say we got to talk about something really important and I need your full attention. No phones, no hiding, no video games, just you and me. And if we need to get out of the house, cool. And you got to say, it's gonna be hard for me to hear, but I'm ready to hear it and I won't throw a fit. And if I need to step away, I will. But I'm going to listen carefully. We've got to talk about our physical intimacy in this marriage. And beneath that, we've got to talk about we're married and I'm already second fiddle. And by the way, he's never seen or experienced a functional marriage. He's never even seen it. He doesn't have a picture of what this looks like. So you all are going to have to be extra, extra clear with each other about, here's how you can love me. Will you do it? Will you be a part of it? Thanks for the call, Bonita. Best of luck to you. And hey, if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'm not going to be mean. I just want to hear from him. So if he wants to call in, I'd love to hear what's going through his heart and mind and see if I can help you guys get on the same page. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back.

[Dave Ramsey]

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[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's go to Boise, Idaho and talk to.

[Dave Ramsey]

Here's Johnny. What's up, Johnny?

[Johnny]

What's up, John? Dude, thank you so much for taking my call. I just, I love you, man. I appreciate all that you do, and I have found extraordinary amount of help through your show. So thank you for doing this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you, brother. That means the world, man. Sometimes I feel like I'm just yim yamming at a, at a camera here. So I appreciate you, man. That means the world. Thank you.

[Johnny]

You bet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Johnny]

Okay, let me ask my question first, and if you want me to expound, I can expound. I would just like to know from a professional what the data is basically. What effect do romance novels and your wife reading them have on your marriage and your sex life?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, is she making you wear wings and like fairy crowns and stuff like that? I don't know. Fairy porn and dragon things for modern housewives. So tell me about it. What's going on?

[Johnny]

Yeah, dude. So we've been married seven years and I. My wife is my ride or die. We, we love each other. We've got a couple kiddos that we're trying to raise, and things are fantastic as far as our sex life goes. I just honestly feel that the expectations that these romantic novels create, the expectations that create are almost like impossible for me to reach. And I feel like it's having an effect on a romantic life and on our sexual life. But I don't want to bring it up and almost like accuse that of being a reason why I feel like she escapes to those fantasies during sex instead of like staying present with me like we used to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So can you. How do you know this is happening when you're sleeping together? You can, you can like, feel her check out. Oh, dude. Yeah.

[Johnny]

I mean, I'll just shoot you. I'll just shoot you straight. So we're like, very open with that stuff and, you know, we've talked about fantasies, and I feel like in some ways they've had a positive effect. And a lot of the fantasies that she has stem from, like, situations in these books. And so, yeah, during sex, I can. I can just feel her and see her, you know, go off into these fantasies, you know, mentally through her body language and so forth. And she'll even straight up say it and tell me. And while that helps her during sex, I feel like it's. It's divided us in a way where it used to just be like the whole world shuts down. It's her and I. You know, we communicate throughout it. And now, like, communication is lessened. It's far more quiet, like, all that stuff. And. And I feel like she. I don't feel like she does just kind of go to these fantasies. And I feel like in order for her, you know, to reach level sexually that she wants, she has to escape to those fantasies and almost escape reality. And I just. I don't like how it makes you feel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Johnny]

And I like how it is, you know, for a sex life. And so, yeah, I could just use some help on how to talk to her about it and what the data. I know that, you know, porn affects that. Right. Like, watching porn obviously affects and creates expectations that aren't realistic in sex. And I want to know. Know if I'm crazy for trying to bridge the gap and connecting the two or. Or what your thoughts are on it?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. And. And, man, this has come up more and more and more as. So the old trope is men watch pornography and women read it. Okay.

[Johnny]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And I guess even a further trope is men are visual. They want to see it, and women want to participate in it. It's. It's a. It's a creation of a world. And when you're reading, you're creating the mood, the sounds, the smells, the. The pictures. I mean, so you're immersed in it. Right. And so I have not been able to find any data. I'm confident that it exists somewhere. I. I can't for the life of me believe that romance novels do the same things to your dopamine that hardcore pornography consumption does. Okay, that's number one. But none of that matters here. Okay? I want you to read a book called Dopamine Nation by Anna Lemke. L E M B K E. It's a modern masterpiece. Everyone should read it. But in that book, she is a Stanford Medical School professor professor who is a psychiatrist who focuses on addiction. And she details in, in brave detail her stone Cold addiction to romance novel escapism and the increasing the escalation of it.

[Johnny]

Interesting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's what is the most important thing. Do I think romance novels are inherently bad? I think they're garbage, but do it. I mean, no, I. I'm not going to be a romance police. I read a couple of the. I forgot what they're called. The. They're the fairy porn books. They're like. I forgot what they're called. What are they called, Kelly?

[Kelly]

I. I court of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Of crowns and. And petunias and. Yeah. Thorns and knives or whatever it is. And. Yeah, it's just like, it's fairy porn and there's dragon porn. I mean, there's all that stuff. Right. The problem here is, is. And I, I actually, I'm glad you brought this up. I think talking about fantasies, when you don't go into graphic, like, oh, I'm fantasizing about your sister, then. Then we've got a problem with. Over Shar. That's insanity. But talking about with your spouse, like, I'm kind of into this and this picture of this. And that can be a really intimate, fun, like, kind of jealousy, kind of like. Tell me more about that. Like, that can be a really arousing conversation. Right.

[Johnny]

No doubt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But the purpose should be to bring you together. And sometimes those conversations about fantasies become ways people covertly feel like they got permission to escape. And that's what I feel like happened to you.

[Johnny]

Yeah, I think it does. And, you know, to. To add a little bit more context, my wife, like, she. So we both own businesses, and one of her, like, secondary things that she focuses on is digital minimalism. So she knows, like, the effects of social media stuff. She tries to stay away from it far more than I do. She's fantastic in that way. And she's not, you know, every day hiding in her closet, just indulging in these books.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. No, I got you.

[Johnny]

I got that. She's created a handful of escape routes. And so to your point, yes, I do feel like, since we talk about it and we're open with it, it's almost like permission to go there. And what used to be a handful of times, like, you know, what are you thinking about? Blah, blah, blah. Now it's like, in order, in order for our sexual experience to be complete, if you know what I'm saying, she just has to. You just have to go there and just totally check out. And so, so, yeah, you're not wrong, in a sense that it's almost like created as permission but now it's almost like what used to be a handful of times is just every time. And we've lost our, our personal intimate connection where we're locked into each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you're going to have to take the brave bold step and put that on the table. And doing that in a very non sexual environment would be my recommendation.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At lunch. Right. Not even at dinner. Because there's sometimes an expectation that right after dinner we're going to lead to the bedroom. Like I'm talking about at breakfast on a Sunday morning or a Saturday morning.

[Johnny]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And get. You take care of the child care and say, I got to put this on the table. And can I just applaud you, dude? Because this happens in marriages all across the country and guys don't know what to say or what to do. And so 99% of the time they just shut up and their wife goes into a vortex. And the guys feel that gap. And then if you're not careful, you find yourself becoming somebody you don't want to be. Yeah, right. You start.

[Johnny]

I even found.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go ahead.

[Johnny]

I'm sorry, I was just gonna say I've even found myself, like, to connect with her, just mentally going with her to these fantasies.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Johnny]

And I, I just, I don't jam with it.

[Dave Ramsey]

I know, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But what's going to happen is somebody at work is going to think your jokes are hilarious and you're going to text her back, and now we're off to the races. Somebody at your local church is gonna gently put her arm, her hand on your arm when y'all are doing something. And you're gonna really like that level of connection because you're gonna go, oh, you're with me right now. Even this. Something innocuous as this. And now you're off to the races. You get what I'm saying? Like, it just takes one little inch and you head off another direction. And in anotherwise, it might feel kind of weird. Or wouldn't. It wouldn't be weird at all. Just friends. Suddenly it lights up. Connectivity. And it doesn't make any sense because your wife may come back and say, hey, we're having sex all the time. And it's like, yeah, but you're not with me. And so I'm. I'm no longer comfortable with indulging in these fantasies. Because you're leaving our bedroom.

[Johnny]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's a hard conversation. Women have it all the time with husbands struggling with pornography and all that. But like. And people who've like Just let me say it this way. Imagining you're having sex with somebody else while you're with your partner is unhealthy. Let me say it that way.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Johnny]

Crystal clear. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not. It's. It's. I don't know, it's a form of that. That to me is not fantasy. That is a form of emotional infidelity, if you will.

[Johnny]

Yeah, agreed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Johnny]

And she'll, you know, she'll say again, like, we're very open with it. And she'll. It's never like with an individual person. It's just not like a specific person, you know, Because I'm asking, like, well, what about this? Like, no, what are you talking about? Yeah, of course in certain times, like, it's with me in these other settings. But I. I just. Again, the basis of it is I just feel like you feel her leave how I am currently. And. Yeah, and it's like, I'm not. I'm not good enough here. Like, performance wise, emotional wise. Like, we're. I'm just not fulfilling it here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, well. And. And again, not always. Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

Not always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it's often indicative of people who've been married for seven to 10 years and they got a couple of kids and they. You start feeling a little bit exhausted in your own skin, and instead of doubling down and what I would. I say this all the time. And it. It doesn't always. It doesn't always connect in the way I wish it would. I need to get better about coming up with new ways to say it, but it's about recreating our marriage. And what that means is we got to recreate the connectivity and it's going to look different than it did the first seven years we were together. And so what does that look like? What does novelty look like? What does fun look like? What does flirting look like? What does play look like? All those things are going to be renegotiated. They're going to be different now, but you got to put them on the table. And part of that is saying, I'm uncomfortable with this and that's just hard and scary to do.

[Johnny]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you saying, hey, it's become a major turnoff when we are having sex and I feel you disappear and I would stay. You need to check yourself on. If sex is continually becoming increasingly. Becoming a performance. That's problematic, too. Instead of a place where you can wheels off, does that make sense where. Yeah, instead.

[Johnny]

No, it totally does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, it's not a place where we gotta go perform it's a place where we get to just go get it.

[Johnny]

Yes. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Johnny]

World shuts off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Johnny]

It's just turn on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way. Yeah. How old are your kids?

[Johnny]

Four and one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. There's not going to be a ton of shut off sex right now for one or both of you. Yeah, sometimes there's. In this season you're in. There's survival sex. Right. There's just getting it done sex. And that's okay. That's okay. Not every. Not every encounter has to be the super bowl, right?

[Johnny]

Yeah, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But there does need to be a. And having a one year old, I mean, y'all are still coming out of it, right?

[Johnny]

Yeah, he's like 18 months, but yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Johnny]

We are definitely still coming out of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think this is an amazing time to just kind of resettle it and reimagine it.

[Johnny]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Johnny]

Because what I do, you would. Oh, go ahead, lay stuff out. And the next step would be then the next conversation is, how do we rebuild this thing?

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, it's in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rebuild can sound dramatic. So maybe I wouldn't use rebuild here. Unless. Unless she says, I just. I'm not interested in trying to have orgasms without thinking I'm in a castle somewhere with some dragons and I don't know what she's. What she's doing. Right. Or with Fabio all oiled up with long hair. Like, I don't know what's in her head, but like. But like, I'm not interested in what you just told me. The fact that you feel unsafe or the fact that you feel disconnected, I don't care. I'm gonna do what I got to do to get off. Y'all have bigger issues. I don't think that's the case here.

[Johnny]

I don't either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think the case here is it just a step became a step became a step. And yes, as a full time working mom who also has a 1 year old or an 18 month old man, just escaping from everything, including this guy I love and just going to another planet for a few minutes. Like, I get how you end up there. Okay, so it's not drinking the Haterade. It's just saying, hey, I don't like this. I feel like you're disappearing. What can we do together to reimagine our intimacy life, our sex life? And by the way, bro, most of us can be outside of the bedroom. It's going to be, how do we. I want you and your wife get a book. Y'all definitely read Anna Lemke's book. But get. I just lost it. Emily Nagotsky's book, Come as you are.

[Dave Ramsey]

Y'all read that book together.

[Johnny]

Come as you are. Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there will be some awkward times when you're reading it together big time. And mainly because most women have never thought of many of these conversations that she brings up and some of the things she asks people to do, but especially men. Haven't it? But it's a new way to talk about the gas pedals and the brakes and what does romance feel like, and what does intimacy feel like? How do we create a sex life that one of us doesn't have to escape from?

[Johnny]

Cool. That's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And this is all same team language. This is not me vers you language. And maybe you go first by saying, hey, I'm finding myself more and more and more entering into being intimate with you as a show, as a performance, and I just want to be with you. And that way you're taking.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're. You're walking in with your blocks. You're not walking in and saying, hey, You're. You're doing this, right?

[Johnny]

Yep. Yep. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you get to say, hey, I'm uncomfortable with where we're headed, and I want to do something different and just have a little bit of space. If she says I don't want to, and then y'all gotta deal with that.

[Johnny]

That would shock me, but. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I don't. I don't think it is. I always tell. I just always tell everybody, man. Just. Just hold a little sliver, right?

[Johnny]

Yeah. Yeah. And I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My guess is, my. My honest guess is she doesn't super love it either. And often, especially new parents find themselves in these loops. And she wants you. She wants to, like. She loves the release of a good orgasm. She wants you to feel good about yourself. She, like. And you just find yourself in this loop. And sometimes we think we're, like, helping out, and actually we're. We're increasing the disconnection a little bit more. A little bit more. A little bit more. But, bro, thank you so, so, so much for the call. This conversation I'm confident is going to help a whole bunch of people. And it's because you did something that most modern men won't do, is you said, hey, can I get your thought on this? So thank you for going first and being brave on this one, brother. You're gonna help a bunch of people. Thanks, man. We'll be right back.

[Dave Ramsey]

All right, gang, let's talk about delete me. My go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't skip past this.

[Dave Ramsey]

We all know that we live our lives on the Internets these days.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hate it and I wish it.

[Dave Ramsey]

Wasn'T the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of our things on the Internet now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives take place on the Internet now it's become weirdly normal to just give away our email addresses to random companies or give away our phone numbers or Social Security numbers to businesses who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at my reports that my friends at Delete Me sent me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's insane.

[Dave Ramsey]

They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even. And they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. We can't really avoid being on the Internet, but we can work to make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney right now. That's Join J O I njoin delete me.com DeLoney all right, we are back.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let's go to Kelly the overlord and she says, am I the problem? What? What do you think?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Jake in Denver.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've been throwing some grenades with these. Am I the problems?

[Kelly]

Yeah, I like to. It's like I drop the grenade and then I just sit back and watch you try to get out of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's do it. All right.

[Kelly]

He writes, I'd like to preface this by saying I'm two weeks sober from alcohol after an eight year addiction. My wife agreed to stop drinking with me even though she does not have a problem. Yesterday was her birthday, so we went out to dinner and I told her that she could drink and that I would be fine without it. We stopped by a liquor store and she came out with a pint of vodka, much to my surprise. Dinner was great, but once we Got home, she drank the entire thing and was slurring. Plus, she fell over twice. We'd been having issues in the bedroom, so we had plans to change that after dinner. After all of this unfolded, I wasn't in the mood anymore. Am I. I feel resentment towards her for getting that drunk. Am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. That was super uncompassionate and not cool. Yeah, Yeah. I hate that for you, brother. No, because, man, I. I don't want to blow it. I watched a comedy special this weekend, and it's not for everybody, but at the end of it, man, I was. I was sobbing. Box of Kleenex. It was one of the best performances I've ever seen. But he. The guy goes to his wife and says, I'm so sorry that I've got this problem. And she said, no, no, no, no, no. We have this problem and we're gonna solve it. And, dude, I just lost it. It was so amazing. But when somebody decides they're going to get sober in a marriage relationship, it is both of y'all working together. And you can't get sober for somebody. You can't make them get sober. Whatever. But you cannot get hammered and wasted and stop by a liquor store. So, yeah, no, you're not the problem, brother. In fact, keep on keeping on, man, and keep going to meetings and keep staying strong. But, yeah, I hate that for you, man. That's tough. That's tough. Tough, tough, tough, tough. If you're married, man, and somebody, one of you, like, says, hey, I want to get healthy. I want to start exercising. I want to start eating healthier. I want to stop drinking. Whatever, man. Just swallow your ego and your pride and say, ride or die, man. Like, is it gonna be uncomfortable? Yes. Is it your fault? No, but good God almighty, dude. Like, just ride together, man. Nothing has made me feel more loved over the years than when my wife is, like, at the beginning of the month, when she goes to the grocery store, she's like, all right, what kind of diet are we this month, dude? Right? Are we. Are we keto? Are we? Like, whatever. Like, it just makes me feel like she's in this with me, even to the point that it. Or. And I. Or I find, like. I find, like, crackers or bread in her office where she's like, I'm eating crackers, but I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna put my husband in a position where he's gonna eat the whole box and whatever, so, man. Yeah, not the problem, brother. And stay strong. Stay strong. Yeah. Does that sound good.

[Kelly]

Oh, 100 agree. Yeah, I do need some more of my other problems, so Please send those two.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Send them in. JohnDelony.com Ask and Put Am I the problem in the. Yeah, put it right.

[Kelly]

Top of the question. There's not a place for a subject, so put it right at the top of the question.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Kelly]

Send them in.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, come see us live. And don't forget to hit all the Internet's buttons. Love you guys. Bye.