My Marriage Only Lasted 3 Months

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Marriage Only Lasted 3 Months
Date: May 25, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is caller-driven, focusing on real-life relationship and mental health challenges. Dr. Delony addresses the struggles of a 19-year-old whose marriage lasted only three months, a new mother’s discomfort with silence and dependence on constant audio input, and a woman navigating business partnership challenges with her husband. The episode concludes with Dr. Delony and his producer Kelly discussing the concept of “blaming fair” in personal growth and relationships.

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Key Segments & Insights

1. Dealing with a Sudden Young Divorce

Guest: Shane (San Antonio, TX)
Timestamps: 01:30 – 15:30

Key Points:

• Caller's Struggle: Shane, 19, married his 18-year-old wife after dating for a year and a half. Three months in, his wife demanded a divorce, moved out, and went no-contact, leaving Shane questioning his purpose and future.
• Marriage Dynamics: Marriage was informal; Shane rented from his father-in-law, but the arrangement was a handshake deal. Despite the upheaval, Shane maintains a good relationship with his father-in-law, who is also confused by his daughter’s actions.
• Legal & Emotional Realities: Dr. Delony emphasizes that regardless of her emotional withdrawal, the marriage is still legally binding and must be dissolved formally.
• Choices Presented:
  1. Honor her wishes – Be the grown-up, get an attorney, file for divorce, and move on.
  2. Wait and hope – Continue living as though she’s on “deployment,” working hard and being of good character, in case reconciliation is possible.
• Dr. Delony’s Advice: Given their age and her behavior, Dr. Delony suggests it’s wise for Shane to accept her departure as reality and begin the legal divorce process. He underscores that emotional maturity is often lacking in such young marriages, and hard decisions are necessary.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony (05:10):
  "She's acting like a teenager and wants to pretend this whole thing didn't happen. And she's treating us like a high school breakup. The problem is she signed a marriage license."
• Dr. John Delony (09:00):
  "If you were my son, I would tell you she's left you. Handle your end of the business. Choose reality."
• Dr. John Delony (11:17):
  "There’s a ton of change that happens between 18 and 25... it’s awesome. But it’s not awesome if one of you weaponizes that change and bails without a conversation."
• Dr. John Delony (13:00):
  "Being heartbroken is right. Not feeling like you want to get up and go to work, that's right. You’re not broken. Focus not on the feeling, but on the next right move."

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2. Facing Uncomfortable Silence and Input Addiction

Guest: Michelle (Caller, Greenville, SC)
Timestamps: 16:00 – 32:45

Key Points:

• Caller's Dilemma: Michelle, a new mom, judges parents for using screens with kids but admits she herself is constantly listening to podcasts, filling all silence and fearing its impact on her and her nine-month-old.
• Judgment as Mirror: Dr. Delony shares his maxim that what we judge harshly in others often reflects something unresolved in ourselves.
• Neurological & Social Insights:
  • Podcasts as a substitute for real in-person interaction can foster false familiarity but lack actual connection.
  • He asks Michelle about real-life social ties and encourages her to see boredom and silence as necessary and even virtuous, despite cultural aversion.
• Dr. Delony’s Experiment: He describes his own experiment of driving in silence, which at first was brutal but eventually increased his creativity and well-being.
• Advice for Managing Input Overload:
  • Schedule silent time (e.g., silent commutes).
  • Recognize why silence is uncomfortable—possibly exposure to personal insecurities.
  • Teach children (and oneself) how to self-soothe and be present without constant stimulation.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony (17:19):
  "The things I am most judgmental about in other people are because they’re holding up a mirror to me."
• Dr. John Delony (20:51):
  "When there’s a constant stream of you listening in on other people’s conversations... it becomes a substitute for having real people in your real life actually know you."
• Dr. John Delony (22:17):
  "That's the big secret nobody tells young parents: it's incredibly rewarding and there are really long periods of straight up set-me-on-fire boredom."
• Dr. John Delony (24:45):
  "The first day I did this, I thought about just driving my car into oncoming traffic to stop the silence. Right? And now, 30 days later... I wince when the radio turns on."
• Dr. John Delony (29:43):
  "I like me. I'm not scared of me anymore... And I don't mind hanging out with myself, because myself has funny ideas and some insightful things."

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3. Navigating Business with a Spouse & Job Fit

Guest: Felice (Caller, Sacramento, CA – also called as Michelle earlier)
Timestamps: 32:48 – 43:50

Key Points:

• Caller's Problem: Felice works at an automotive shop co-owned with her husband. Though she enjoys the back-office work, she suffers “phone anxiety,” panics when she can’t answer customer questions, and feels her husband is often frustrated with her.
• Emotional Impact: Other employees have noticed her husband’s frustration. Felice blames herself for not handling phone calls better, although she knows many answers but freezes up.
• Dr. Delony’s Analysis:
  • Encourages honesty: this isn’t a moral failing but a skill/fit issue.
  • Advises Felice to own what she likes (accounting) and dislikes (customer service/calls), and problem-solve with her husband to transition off the phones—even if it means hiring earlier, with less profit, to preserve marriage and well-being.
• Turning Point: Recognize and communicate that being bad at phones is a data point, not a character flaw.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony (36:07):
  "You're in the wrong job."
• Dr. John Delony (39:30):
  "You're turning this into a moral failure or a character issue... It's a data point. You learned something new about yourself."
• Dr. John Delony (43:01):
  "You're not a failure. You will be a failure if you keep banging your head against this wall... You're not a failure just because this part of a job takes your soul from you. That's life. That's everybody."

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4. Listener Mail: The Concept of “Blaming Fair”

Hosts: Dr. John Delony & Kelly (Producer)
Timestamps: 45:43 – 53:04

Key Points:

• Definition: “Blaming fair” is about honestly assessing not just what others have done to hurt us, but also the good they contributed or what we contributed to the relationship breakdown.
• Therapeutic Use: It helps to humanize those we resent, lessen the emotional burden, and foster personal growth by seeing the 360-degree view, not just the negatives.
• Distinguishing Factors: It’s not about excusing serious abuse, but about achieving perspective in less severe relational ruptures, especially in breakups, estrangements, or disappointments.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony (47:06):
  "By leveling that scale and trying to humanize the other person, it gives you a context for it and it gives your body permission to set that crap down and move on."
• Dr. John Delony (52:04):
  "It helped you show up as the person you want to be. And that's all we can control. Blame fair, America. Blame fair."

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• “She’s acting like a teenager... treating this like a high school breakup.” — Dr. John Delony (05:10)
• “Not feeling like you want to eat or go to work—that’s right. Your body’s grieving. It’s sad because you had this future rolled out in front of you and somebody hopped off the wagon.” — Dr. John Delony (13:00)
• “We have a cultural allergy to boredom.” — Dr. John Delony (22:36)
• “Otherwise, all this ‘go, go, go’...that is you running from being with yourself.” — Dr. John Delony (28:37)
• “You're not a failure. You will be a failure if you keep banging your head against this wall.” — Dr. John Delony (43:01)
• “Blaming fair is a way...of being able to process ‘what did you bring to this equation?’ ... It's about honest reflection so you can move on and heal.” — Dr. John Delony (47:06)

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Structural & Thematic Highlights

• Emphasis on Emotional Maturity: Both in relationships and self-awareness, Dr. Delony repeatedly highlights the necessity of honesty, self-reflection, and “doing the next right thing.”
• Normalizing Negative Emotions & Struggle: Listeners are reassured that heartbreak, boredom, and anxiety are natural and not signs of brokenness.
• Practical Tools: Includes strategies such as scheduled silent time, honest dialogue with partners, and self-inventory when facing professional or relational stuck points.
• Humor and Relatability: The tone is candid, empathetic, and often self-deprecating, making difficult topics more approachable (e.g., jokes about hating silence, jobs, and even his own “input addiction”).

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For Listeners

If you are experiencing struggle—whether heartbreak, the monotonous challenges of new parenthood, professional anxiety, or marital friction—this episode provides both empathy and practical steps. Dr. Delony's message centers on self-honesty, the value of wise community, and taking actionable, reality-based steps toward healing or change.

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Transcript

[Caller Shane]

Foreign.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is an ad for better help. May is mental health awareness month and we're all surrounded by non stop noise and it keeps our bodies on high alert. But you don't have to carry it all alone. Go to betterhelp.com deloney for 10 off.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I am a mom that will judge you hardcore if you bring out an iPad, but I know this. Recently I spend almost everything that I do with a podcast plane. I am so uncomfortable in the silence. Am I just as bad as the iPad kid?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Thanks for being with us. Talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids and whatever you got going on in your life. Want to be on the show? I'd love to have you click the link in the show notes if you know how to do that. If you don't like me, just mail in a letter and just say, kelly, I want to be on the show. Oh, sorry. Kelly's eyes sight is fading along with her age and so she can't read letters. You can read letters. She's getting mad now. Let's go to San Antonio, Texas, one of my favorite places on the planet, and talk to not so plain Shane. What's up, Shane?

[Caller Shane]

Oh, nothing much. Another in paradise.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Another day in paradise. What's up?

[Caller Shane]

I was just calling to ask. As you know, my wife decided she wanted a divorce three months into our marriage. And I just feel like I've lost, like, purpose.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Shane]

Like, what do I do?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Caller Shane]

I don't know. What? I'm 19. 19. My wife is 18.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wow. Y' all got married real, real young, huh?

[Caller Shane]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about, yeah, tell me about the courtship. How did it all work out? Courtship? Like we're in 1401.

[Caller Shane]

I have no idea.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, because you were born in this century. Tell me, tell me about getting together.

[Caller Shane]

So we, we met at a feed store because I used to work at a ranch. I was a ranch manager for a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All good romance starts at a feed store. I love how this story is starting.

[Caller Shane]

And I noticed, I went in there all the time and I noticed that she was new there. And then we would talk a lot because I would be in there getting feed all the time. And then we started going out and we dated for about year and a half and then we got engaged and then married. We got married January 2nd of this year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

January 2nd. And so three months in, she just bailed.

[Caller Shane]

Three months in, she Said, I'm not happy. He said, you've changed and kicked me out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How did she say you changed?

[Caller Shane]

I asked her, how have I changed? I don't understand. And she can't give me an example. And she just says she's not happy anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Has she filed on you? Has she got an attorney and drawn up the papers and everything?

[Caller Shane]

She hasn't drawn out the papers, but she said she talked to a lawyer and I haven't. It's been no contact for almost a month. She kicked me out. She said. So me and her parents live next to each other in houses right beside each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Shane]

And whenever she said she wasn't happy and wanted a divorce, she moved over there. And then a couple days later, she said she wasn't even coming home to their house until after I moved out. And then I grabbed all my stuff and moved in on my family's place.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it. Is your name on this, on the lease, or on this mortgage?

[Caller Shane]

No, it was just between me and her father. I was renting from him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, all right. Did he cancel the lease for you?

[Caller Shane]

There wasn't any paperwork. It was just like a handshake deal.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have you talked to him?

[Caller Shane]

Yeah, me and him are just fine. Me and him are good. He's like, I'm not. He's like, I know. I don't. I'm just as confused as you are of what's going on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Shane]

He's like, I'm not gonna block your number. He's like, you can call me anytime.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, well, you'll have a legal binding agreement called a marriage certificate, right?

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so at some point, well, she's acting like a teenager, right?

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's not acting like an adult married woman. She's acting like a teenager and wants to pretend this whole thing didn't happen. And she's treating us like a. Like a high school breakup. And the problem is she signed a. Like a marriage license.

[Caller Shane]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you'll have a legal. A legal arrangement to unwind. She blocked your number. She just won't talk to you?

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir. She blocked me even on everything. Messenger, Snapchat, Instagram, everything. The only way I can talk to her is, like, through her dad. And she's not even really talking to her parents either.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, Is she with somebody else?

[Caller Shane]

Not that I don't think so. I asked her parents, like, where she's staying at whenever she wasn't at her parents house either, and she just said. They said she was staying with a friend. And I don't think she's the type of person to cheat or anything like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, she's the type of person to leave you three months in, so, I mean, I, I, it sounds like you don't know her well either. So here, here's your choices. And, and I can't make the choice for you. Okay?

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Choice number one is to. Honor her wishes. And since she's not going to be a grownup about this, you be the grownup and you get an attorney and you file for divorce and you move on. She's moved out and blocked your number and done all that kind of stuff. Wants to pretend this whole thing didn't happen. You choose to say, no, I want to be married to you. I don't know what happened, but I want to be married to you. And so I'm going to keep being a person of character. I mean, keep being the person I want to be. And, and so I'm going to keep showing up, keep going to work, keep working hard, keep saving money, keep, like I'm gonna, I'm gonna live my life as though she's on deployment somewhere and she's gonna come back someday. I mean, those are your two choices.

[Caller Shane]

That's what I'm doing now. I've kind of just tried to stay busy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Shane]

In my work, and there's not, there's

[Dr. John DeLoney]

not a lot, not a, a lot of other options because she's completely cut you out and cut you off. You don't know where she is?

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It sounds like, moved. You have a relationship. Yeah. I mean, you're living with your parents now or your family.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I honestly, since you have a good relationship with him and you're 19, she's 18, I would sit down with her father and say, I need to know what, what I'm thinking about filing here. I don't want to, but she's disappeared on me. She just put on all of us.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you think he will give you wise counsel.

[Caller Shane]

And he has so far. Like, whenever we first, we were just taking a break for a little bit, and he's like, just give her space. Like, don't, like, come over here asking to talk to her or anything like that. I was like, okay, I didn't talk to her for a little bit, and then she just said she wanted a divorce. But he's given, he's never been.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what? I don't ask his opinion. I'm wrong on that. I'm wrong on that. I take that back. I'm trying to Put myself in. If you were my son, I would tell you she's moved, she's. She's left you. She's told you she wants to get divorced, and I would trust that. She's 18, doesn't even know what that means. And so I would. I would probably tell you to go ahead and to handle your end of the business.

[Caller Shane]

So you're saying asset I should file.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can't tell you what to do. I'm just telling you what I would. If you were my son.

[Caller Shane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It would be just. I'm going to deal with reality. If. If Y' all were 27 and 28, there is a. I would. I would hold a 27 year old to a higher standard of emotional maturity.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the way this has gone down, the way her parents are being, they're being cordial, they're being respectful of you, but they're not being helpful here.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that. Yeah, but I. But again, I can't tell you. I. I don't want you to look up in six months and she show back up at your doorstep and be like, was wrong. I just had a little bit of a spaz out.

[Caller Shane]

But then I don't know if I could trust her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I mean, you can rebuild trust.

[Caller Shane]

Yeah, of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you can't rebuild trust when somebody's treating you like y' all are 14 years old.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so, yeah, if you were. If you were my son and he was 19 and he found himself in a similar situation, the thing I would keep pointing back to is you got to choose reality here. And you have a very, very young, emotionally immature person who has divorced you in every way possible except for legally. And I would probably chalk that up to you. You're so immature and young, you don't even know what that means.

[Caller Shane]

Yes. It's crazy. She didn't. I feel like she's changed. If anything, she never acted this way before. And before we got married, she was like, marriages, like, forever. So I want to make sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but listen, every. My wife has been married to, like seven or eight versions of me by now. The one thing about people is they change. That's what's awesome about being married to somebody is they're constantly becoming somebody new. And that's the new. That's the adventure of being married. Right. And how do you love somebody and how do you all continue to honor this marriage and at the same time continue to grow and be autonomous and be amazing? And then you'll show up on the field that is marriage. And do this amazing thing together, right? And you don't just cash out and leave. So of course she's changed. Of course you've changed.

[Caller Shane]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And there's a ton of change that happens between 18 and 25 years old. Ton of just physiological changes, much less maturity, age changes. I mean, all kind of changes. That's awesome. It's awesome. But it's not awesome if one of you weaponizes that change and bails without a conversation. It's just, it's just, it's just super, super, super immature. And I'll just tell you, I'm sorry you're there. Being heartbroken is right. Not feeling like you are hungry and want to eat is right. Not feeling like you want to get up and go to go to work. All that is right. Your body's grieving. It's sad because it. You had this, this future rolled out in front of you and somebody hopped off the wagon and said, I'm out. You're right to be sad. You're right to grieve. You're right to be weary of trusting others for a while. All that is normal and right. You're not broken. The thing I want to encourage you to do to the best of your ability is get wise men in your life who will walk with you. And always focus not on the feeling, but on what's the next right move. That's how you practice and develop emotional maturity. What is the next right thing? I'm always going to be respectful. Even when I'm mad. I'm always going to be like, treat people with dignity, even if you don't treat me with dignity. And I'm gonna do the next right thing. And it sounds like for you right now, the next right thing is some really hard decisions in your future. And I'm sorry that happened, my brother. Thanks for the call, man. Call anytime. And if she shows back up tomorrow and wants to talk, I'd love to talk to her too. But, yeah, you got some hard decisions in front of you, brother, and we wish you the best. All right. I'm super excited to tell you about a brand new sponsor, Capstone Wellness. I've spent the vast majority of my career working with teenagers and young adults and their families. I know from personal experience how hard it is to find care for a teenager or a young adult. It can be a nightmare if you're a parent and your teenage or adult son, age 14 to 28, is struggling with trauma, addiction, mental health challenges or destructive behaviors and you're running out of options. I want you to consider residential treatment care. Capstone Treatment center is a residential treatment program for young men. In this live in therapeutic setting, your son can fully step away from the chaos of the world for a few months or longer and into a structured environment with trained life licensed clinicians. This is daily intensive work that has the power to transform lives and listen, I know folks at Capstone. It is a Christian organization but they care for all types of people in all walks of life. If somebody close to me had a son who needed that level of care, if my son needed this level of help, Capstone would be my first call. Residential treatment is a very serious investment in money, time and energy because the level of care is completely different. It's immersive. Financial aid is available. Go to capstone wellness.com DeLoney to learn more. That's capstone wellness.com DeLoney all right, winter is finally over. That means no more going outside to your car and it's covered in ice and snow and shenanigans. It's time for the heat. And that also means it's time to rotate the old closet. My poncho flannels and denims are going in the back and Poncho Originals and ultralights are moving to the front. That's right. No matter what time of the year, I still love my poncho shirts. I've been wearing poncho shirts for years because they're the best. The original poncho shirt is that go anywhere performance shirt. It's a lightweight, it's breathable, it's quick drying and it's built for real life. And the ultralight has that same great fit with an even lighter feel. And when it gets hot like it does here in Tennessee, that lighter feel matters. Poncho shirts have stretch so they move with you, not against you. And even though they're light and soft, they are wicked tough. And here's the deal. They look sharp enough to wear to dinner, but they're comfortable enough to wear all day, whether you're fishing, whether you're out in the woods or you're doing yard work. If warmer weather has you ready to reshuffle your closet, go to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and check out all of their rad styles. Get 10 bucks off your first purchase. Just sign up with your email. That's poncho outdoors.com DeLONEY let's go out to Greenville, South Carolina and talk to well, well, well. My Michelle. What's up Michelle?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Hi.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's it going?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Good. Better than I deserve.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very good. Very good. What's up?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay, so first, I feel like I'm going to ask this question, and you might think there's people with serious problems going on. If you think that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm sorry, don't prejudge me.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so go for it.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So first off, I am a mom that will judge you hardcore. If you bring out an iPad in a Mexican restaurant. If you tell me your kid is obsessed with a TV show, me and my husband are judging you, you know, at the table, beside. But I say that, and I noticed recently I spend almost everything that I do with a podcast playing, whether it's taking a shower, washing dishes, doing laundry. I started to realize I am so uncomfortable in the silence. It's like nails on the chalkboard to me. Am I. Is the call coming from inside the house? Am I just as bad as the iPad kit? And how neurologically damaging is that to my nine month old daughter?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man, such a great. That's a great question.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

so I. I live by a medium. It's not always accurate, but it's usually pretty dang close.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The things that I am most judgmental about other people are because they are holding up a mirror to me.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so one of the practices I implemented in myself is when I get real judgmental about somebody, the first thing I do is I get curious about why I'm reacting in that way.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

That's kind of exactly what I started doing. Which, my daughter doesn't watch tv, but I'm like, well, she's playing in her pen and I'm listening to either John Deloney or Sean Ryan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And both great guys. So keep doing that. You're. You're putting food on all of our tables. So all of my answers are going to be after those two shows are over. But Sean's shows are like 18 hours long. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So they are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

It takes a few days to get

[Dr. John DeLoney]

through them, but my shows are about two hours. But Kelly edits them down to like seven minutes because she says, and I quote, he talks. You talk too much. But whatever. So here's the. I've got a couple of hypothesis about this. Okay.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then I'll get to your real question. What I think has happened, especially when it comes to podcast mediums, is think about it this way. For all of human history, if you wanted to, up until like 10 or 15 years ago, if you wanted to hear Sean Ryan, my friend Sean, talking to one of the wild guests he has on his show, and you wanted to Hear them talk about their experiences, their conspiracy theories, you know, all that stuff. You had to be in the room at the table, right? And so.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have to believe that like when you have your headphones in and you listen and those guys, like they, they drink coffee, they talk, they shift in their chair, your body, you can hear all of that stuff. I have to believe that at some level it taps into a circuit that this is, it's a stream of circuits and I don't know neuroanatomy enough to be able to point these all out. I'm sure Andy Huberman could do it. But it taps into what I would call a circuit that says you're known. There's a level of familiarity and comfort that says I know them. And I experienced this. Like if I'm out at a restaurant, somebody will come up and they will approach me as though they know me.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They'll say my kids names and I. And I'll see a look of familiarity as though they're a friend of mine. And usually it's, it usually happens really quick, but there's an interaction where they realize, oh, I don't know you. Right? And so I think by listening to these conversations over and over and over and over again, a, they're, they're, they are insightful. You can learn from them. Right? All that stuff is, is really good. But when there's a constant stream of you listening in on other people's conversations, here's my, my hypothesis that it becomes a substitute for having real people in your real life actually know you.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so my question would be twofold. One is, who are people that just come plop down at your house and drink a cup of coffee while you're doing laundry and your little one is in their bassinet or in their playpen or whatever. Do you have those kind of relationships? And if you don't, I consider that a five alarm fire. And you need to get those asap.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay? So honestly, I have a very close family. We are just a barge in the door anytime. I'm with my family all the time. My sister is always over. It's more so just when I'm alone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's number two a second. Okay, what is it, what is it about you? That silence with you, just being with yourself is nails on a chalkboard, as you say.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I think maybe it might be like a lifestyle adjustment because before I got pregnant and had a baby, I was very used to just me and my husband. We're going whitewater kayaking Friday, hiking Saturday, back again. Whitewater kayaking. Just kind of go, go, go. My brain was always stimulated, always doing something fun to get my heart rate going. And then I do love being a stay at home mom. It's very fun, very rewarding. But sometimes it just gets boring.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, right there. That's it. Ta da. That's it.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay. And I feel so bad to say it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is the big secret that nobody tells young parents.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's incredibly rewarding. And there's moments of awesome and there's really long periods of straight up set me on fire boredom.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Boring. It just is.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we have a cultural allergy to boredom.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yes, that's exactly what it is. Because I never really cared about. Well, I mean, I would watch it, you know, sometimes at night, but now it's just. God has also blessed me with the perfect, quietest baby. And I'm like, scream, be loud. Make the house feral. Something.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, it's the universe is funny this way. I, I just started about a month ago. I, I'm working on a writing project. I've got a big headlining comedy gig I've got coming up. I got a huge 60 minute talk that I'm giving at this cornerstone event that I do every year. I got all this stuff, and I was finding myself struggling to dial in, and I stumbled on some literature about silence. I, I, I wasn't giving my brain room to breathe, to think about things.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I started doing this. This is not safe. I know that. Let the, let the DMs come. But I put a note card, a blank note card and a pen in my truck right on the console, like right on my little armrest here. In the console.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I just stopped listening to music all the time when I drove. Just drove in silence.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now my. I have a 10 year old and a 15, a 16 year old. Now my house is. And I got three idiotic dogs. My house is never quiet, ever, ever, ever. But my car is. And I realized I'm getting going from a chaotic house into my truck. The music automatically turns on. It's connected to my phone. And then I drive all the way to work. And then I sit here and I'm on air for six to eight hours a day. And then I get back in the truck, music's blaring. I get home, chaos, noise, right? And I realized, oh, I give my brain no time.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yes. That's how I feel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want to tell you, the first day I did this, I thought about just driving my car into oncoming traffic to stop the silence. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now 30 days later, after. And I hate to use this word because it's such a, like a boring word. After practicing now, I find myself wincing when the radio blasts on. Okay, this is me. This is a dude who has something going 24 7, 365. And I wince now. And I gotta tell you, I was able to rewrite a chapter in less than a day. I've almost completed my comedy set coming up. I've got my whole outline for. And it was just 30 days of silence.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I want to tell you this. If you keep a notepad by you write down fun things that you think of.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you find yourself getting itchy, be curious about the itchiness.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And yes, there is something to be said for if you've got a gang of people, people who come over, you got close friends, there's just going to be seasons of boredom and having world shape shifting podcasts like mine, of course, which is like, it's the best mental health podcast on the planet. And like Sean's like, like, that's good stuff. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll even tell you, listening mainlining my show 24 7, that's probably not good for you all the time. Sean's got some shows that I'm like, I'm probably going to go on to the next one because I get too anxious listening to this one. Right. Like, so, like be. Be willing to be in tune enough with your body to know I'm gonna have some silence in here. I'm gonna put some music on instead of podcast.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But I want you to practice. This is, this is what I'm doing in my house, in my own body right this minute. Practice.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

It does make me feel better. I'm not alone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no. I. I think all of us, Kelly's. All of us are just noise, noise, noise, noise, noise, noise. Kelly listens to murder podcast all the time. Ooh, murder.

[Caller Shane]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At least me and Sean talk to murderers. She's like, how do I do this? She's game planning. Right? But I do think all of us need to give our poor brains a break from inputs.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And for you, like for me, I. I was able to schedule it. I'm just going to do it while I'm in the car for you. Set a timer for 30 minutes for 45 minutes.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay. That's about my drive home. I have a little part time, part time job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just commit to.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I do 40 minutes home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just commit to. I'M gonna make that drive in silence three days a week.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I'm gonna turn on music, but I'm gonna turn it on to where it's just barely in the background.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But only after you've listened to my show all the way through and like. And subscribed and shared.

[Caller Shane]

All right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Of course.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, yeah, this isn't a crazy question. I think all of us are suffering from input fatigue.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think all of us would be well to do. This is why people love hunting and golf and hiking, because it forces you to turn off the audio and visual inputs and just be in nature.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like, well, before pregnancy, if I. I'm not a craft girl, I can't sit down at a table. I used to not be able to even sit down through a whole show. I have to have something to get my heart rate going fast, be scared, something.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And I would ask you, like, I spent a long time with folks who meditated, like Monk kind of guys. Like, there's something really important about being able to be still with yourself.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Otherwise, all of his heart rate stuff, all of this. I got to go. Go, go, go. That is you running from being with yourself.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that scary question is, what's so bad about me that I don't even want to spend time with me?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, man, a great gift you could give your kid, yourself, your husband, your family is, can I be anchored in my own skin?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or do I have to constantly be escaping myself?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah. Yeah. Because you. Well, I don't know if this happened to you, but before kids, I was like, yeah, I'm decent. And then after kids, it's like, wait, maybe I'm not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I. I didn't like myself.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I didn't like me.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I avoided dealing with me by. Yeah. Constant stimulation all the time. All the time. All the time. All the time. All the time.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And now I've got to a place where I. I like me. As the great John Candy once said, I. I like me. And I'm not. I'm not scared of me anymore.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't mind hanging out with myself because myself has funny ideas and some pretty insightful things and some things I need to remember and work on.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But that took years, sister. It took a while to get there. Right. And so great, great question. I think all of us should practice taking a noise fast. All of us. And all of us should be just cognizant of inputs. Inputs. Always noise. Always noise. My buddy Michael Easter talked about. He wrote a great. He's got the, I think the best substack out. It's called 2%. Everyone should subscribe to it. But he talked about in one of his articles about. For all of human history, loud noise was a sign of danger. It was a sign of, look out, it's a tree falling. It's a. It's a bear coming out of the woods. Right? And so constant noise all the time. Now you're not talking about, like conversations like, like on my show and with Sean show and others, but constant noise all the time. Amped, amped, amped, amped. Man, that just frazzles our nervous system. It's not designed for that. And so anyway, all I have to say is, you're good. Good job. I want to applaud you for being curious about yourself. That's awesome. And you, like all first time parents, suddenly realize, oh, my kid is a mirror to me and I don't like myself that much. Or maybe I don't like. I like myself. I don't like certain things about me. And so let's be curious about those things. Let's dig into them. Let's don't keep avoiding them. And again, only after you've listened to every one of my episodes, like subscribe, shared and all that. And Sean's too. Thank you so much for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks if she should stay in business with her husband when he is mean to her at work. Ooh, I got some opinions on this. We'll be right back. Hey, it's summertime. That means it's time to grab your shorts, your towels, your water bottle, and of course, your dope Shady Ray sunglasses. Look, the people on the beach or at the lake will not be able to handle how rad you're gonna look in these glasses. But you will be able to handle how comfortable these glasses are, how low their prices are, and you're gonna love Shady Ray's amazing lost or broken replacement program. I love Shady Ray sunglasses. I got multiple pairs. I even got pairs for my wife and kids. I want my whole family feeling and looking super cool. I run in them, I do yard work in them, I drive in them, and I go fishing wearing my Shady Ray sunglasses. My fishing glasses are polarized, so they cut the glare on the water and they make it easier to see as you're heading into summer, make it easier on yourself. Head to shadyrays.com and check out their Memorial Day sale. And get up to 50 off two pairs with code DeLoney that's shadyrays.com code DeLoney. All right, let's go out to Sacramento, California A and talk to Felice. Hey, Felice Navidad. What's up?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Good morning. I'm very nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. Don't be nervous. I'm just kidding. Of course. Like that. Like you're gonna go. Oh, okay, cool. No, I'm glad you're here. What's up?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So I just want to preface. It's more frustration than mean.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

He's just doing his best with a really busy business that we started. I'll try not to sound too scripted,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but I love how you're already apologizing for him.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So it's an automotive shop. I've been here for a year and helped before on top of my full time job. I really enjoy working with him. Location, the flexibility. But I have really bad phone anxiety and it's hard for me to talk to customers about issues that I don't understand with their vehicles. He does get frustrated if he's under a car and I can't handle a phone call that I don't really know how to go back and forth with the person and you know, just wondering should I stick it out or could this be a long term issue for us? Marriage is more important to us than working together, but we're hoping to have both. It was an agreement that we wouldn't work together if it affected our marriage negatively.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I'm guessing it is negatively impacting your marriage. You wouldn't have called. It sounds like you're really wallpapering over frustration. What does frustration mean?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So I guess I got example is, you know, someone's calling and they just have an issue and I don't really feel comfortable doing the back and forth banter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about, tell me about that. What is. I've never heard of phone anxiety. I mean I can context clue it, but what does that mean?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So it's almost like every. And I can, I totally own that. This is probably a lot of me having issues too but like every time the phone rings I just, my heart beats faster. I'm just worried that it's going to be someone being unkind, asking questions I can't answer and you're in the wrong job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why'd you take this job?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

So we started the business together and I was working as an accountant before and we're hoping our like one year plan is to have him doing all the phone stuff and just have me on the, on the business and the accounting, the hr, the back behind the scene. But he just, at this time needs help with me on the phone. And it's been such a struggle for me my whole career just talking on the phone. I get so nervous.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so somebody calls and they're like, hey, my car's doing this, and the rolling girder fell off, and we need to catalytic automatron. And you're just like, what? And then he's under the car trying to fix something, and you're like, hey, do we have a rolling converter?

[Caller Shane]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thing.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he, he rolls out and then what does he do?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

He's just like, he just says, can you handle it? Like I've told you, you know, we've taken the time talking about, all right,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you're being too nice. You're being too nice. Have other people in the shop commented, dang, how does he. Why does he talk to you like that?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

One employee just mentioned, like, he does get frustrated with you easily. Like, you know, have, you know, just like, why does he get so frustrated with you easily? And I, it's like my brain just shuts off when I'm. And then it's like, you know, it's the answers that I do know. That's the really frustrating part is I do know the answer to a lot of these people's questions, but my brain just shuts off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then you're in the wrong job.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Customer service is not my great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're an accountant.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go make sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet love to those spreadsheets. And don't, don't get on the phone. You know what I mean?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like. Like, I, like for. For 20 years, a big part of my job was sitting with people of all kinds. Students who are in trouble with housing planning, with employee issues, with parent issues, with medical stuff, like all that, hospitals, all that.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But another huge part of my job was multi million dollar budgets. And I would rather set myself on fire than sit there and do budgets all day. But that was part of the job.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in some places, I would hire somebody to do that part of the job, or I would move somebody who was really good at that, who loved it, would move them to where that was one of their chief responsibilities. And, and because I, it. It took my soul from me, I could do it. But, man, I'd get anxious about it every month when the budget rollups would come out. I, I've got 5 million employees. I don't know where they're spending money on what. It just would make me anxious. Not in the clinical sense. And so don't say, I have phone anxiety. You like, you don't have that, but, like, you don't like being on the phone.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

No, I don't. Right. I can do fine when I'm face to face with people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course. Okay. So, but so own that and say, hey, I'm in the wrong job. We're going to hire somebody to answer phones. And there are people who are put on planet Earth to navigate phones. Just what they do so. Well, Kelly did that for, like, years. She's awesome at it. She's the goat at it.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Alex, who is the associate producer right now, he's not very good at it, but he'll get there. He has a cool beard. Right. So, like, I'm totally kidding. He's. That's great. But like, what I, here's what I don't like. Number one, I don't think you're being fully honest about how your husband treats you. And two, I, I, I'm concerned for your marriage in that you can't both say, yeah, that's not a good idea.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

He. So, yeah, he does acknowledge that I am not great on the phone. We're just trying to get to a point where we can hire some more people financially, but I don't know if it's worth just moving that up and maybe sacrificing some profit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Over your marriage or over watching my wife just, like, dwindle down into nothing, turn to ash.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah. It just seems, I don't know, it seems silly that I'm this bad on the phone.

[Caller Shane]

But why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, but you're turning this into, like, a moral failure or a character issue.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I don't know. I guess I just feel like I should be able. I've like, always been okay with my jobs and getting good at certain things, but this one is just, it's just hit a brick wall.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool.

[Caller Shane]

Call it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You learn something new about yourself.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ta da. You know what I mean? Like, it's a, it's a finding. It's a, it's a data point. It's not a judgment call.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a data point. And so if you sit down with your husband and y' all say, you say, hey, I love you. And I love how the business is crushing. I'm not good at this. And I've tried. I'm not good at it. I'm costing us business. I'm costing our marriage and relationship. Now I do something, you get frustrated. I get more anxious about it. People in the shop are noticing it. I love you, and I quit

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

yeah, I'd rather. I'm fine with every other part of the job except for the phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but the phone is the thing. You're the chief phone answering officer right now. And so it's. It's like, man, I'm so good with our marriage. Except when he gets wasted and breaks all the window. Like, that's a big part of it. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so let's. Let's just call it. And it's. But I want you to call it with your head held high.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean? Like Nate dog back here who runs all of the monitors and the video switching and stuff. I would last 8.3 seconds at that job, and that in seven and a half of those seconds would be me sitting down in the chair. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't think I'm a bad guy. And I don't think Nate would love to be up on stage in front of 3, 000 people trying to tell jokes and having them judge him and his family and all of his education. Right. He'd be like, no, I'm good. I like. I like all the videos. Right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so that's cool. That's great. It's awesome. Don't beat yourself up.

[Caller Shane]

Okay.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Trying not to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And hopefully your husband will smile and you'll be like, yeah, we gave it a shot. And that's just not the right. That's just not right. It's good. We're all good.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah. Yeah. We need to. It sounds like we just need to find a way to get me off the phone.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, you need to quit all the way. Well, I mean, if you're the chief phone officer who also does books, then the main part of the job that you took.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is. Is it. And so if. If they can hire you part time, you know, the owner, so maybe he can overpay you for doing books for a while. Right. But like, maybe. I was going to say you're sleeping with the owner, but that was going to sound. That was going to sound bad, but like, But I mean, y' all can navigate all that kind of stuff.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe, hey, we're gonna go back to a season where I'm gonna work my full time job and I'm gonna do books in the evening. We're just. We're starting a new business and it's just gonna be a busy season for a while.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah, definitely is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we tried another way, but we traded busy for really high, high stress. And now it's impacting our marriage. And this is not worth it.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Caller Shane]

Right.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Not so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen to me.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I didn't want to happen.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not a failure.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll go one step further. You will be a failure if you keep banging your head against this wall.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you'll lose business. And you and your husband don't speak to each other when you get home and everyone in the shop quits because your husband made it weird because he gets mad at his wife. Like. Right. Like, then we'll start getting into failure territory. You're not a failure. Just because this particular part of a job takes your soul from you. That's life. That's. That's everybody. If you had three kids and he had left you, and this is the only job on the planet, you had to feed your. Your kids. Yes. I would be having a different conversation. I would say right now, what your family needs is. This is a tough season, right?

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all aren't. Y' all aren't there.

[Caller Michelle / Felice]

Yeah. We have options for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got options. You got margin. That's right. And so. Yes. Hold your head up high. Smile, Tell him you love him, and tell him I quit. Right. Tell him. You got to find a phone person. We'll find a high school kid who. Well, actually, no. They don't know how to talk to humans on the phone. We'll find a gin Xer who's just gifted at phone gab, and we'll pay them, and we'll get our marriage back, and we'll get this shop up and cooking in no time. But that. That's. That's. I think you should quit for so many reasons. We'll be right back. I went into a local corner store the other day just to buy a few things. And at checkout, they wanted my address and my phone number. They might as well have asked for my Social Security number. I just wanted some paper plates and some cups, and they wanted my soul. Every time you give out your cell number, your email address, or you buy something online, data brokers are grabbing your information and they're selling it to the highest bidder, leaving you vulnerable to spam and scams. This is a big part of why I use and recommend Delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's information, pictures of your kids. All this stuff is just floating around online, sitting on data broker sites that you've never heard of. Delay. Delete me finds your personal information online, and they remove it for you. Not just once. They keep monitoring it and cleaning it up month after month. So you can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. You can't build a peaceful life if parts of your life are still being bought and sold online without your permission. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's joindeleteme.com SL DeLoney. All right, Kelly, let it rip. What you got?

[Kelly]

All right, so James from Fargo, North Dakota.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. Every time, every accent I try to make ends up sounding like a pirate.

[Kelly]

The only accent I can do is the Midwest. It makes Keeler laugh. I don't know why I can, but I have to watch myself because if I get around somebody that has it, I mimic it without, like, without trying to. And then I start to sound like I'm making fun, so I really have to watch it. But it also helps that Fargo is one of my absolute favorite movies.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Kelly]

Fantastic movie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a lot of murder in that movie.

[Kelly]

There is, but there's also humor. It's just a great movie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is a great movie.

[Kelly]

It really is. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Buscemi is one of the goats.

[Kelly]

Oh, It's. But Frances McDormand in that movie is just what sells.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Legendary.

[Kelly]

Yeah, she's great. All right. So he says. James asks, this is not a question about a personal situation. It is a request for elaboration or clarification. I was listening to the April 13 episode, and Dr. John was talking to a caller and used the term blame fair. That expression bored right into my head. And I'd love to hear a slight elaboration perhaps at the end of an episode. Here we are. The jury is still out on whether or not it's a good thing or a bad thing. But I happen to be one of those individuals that anchors into and asks for advice. Little nuggets like that often get re gifted. Thank you. A little bit to Dr. John, but mostly to Kelly. Both 1.0 and 2.0.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, James, can A, screw off, and B, I'll answer your question. All right, so here's what blame fear is. Let's say your father didn't show up like he should have. And the more. And then you have your own kid, and your father would work all the time and then would go spend time at the bar and would kind of run around on your mom and dad just was never around. And then you're holding your kid, and you can't fathom missing five minutes of that kid's life. It kills you to go to work every day, and suddenly you're overcome with anger and frustration and that terrifying question, what was so bad about me? Right. That you left all the time, you never showed up. And I'm going to be this kind of dad who. And I can't believe you did right. And it's real easy on on the scale to begin to pile up. On one side of that scale you did wrong here and here and here and sit in judgment. And I had a therapist one time say this to me. I want you to make a list of the other side of the scale. This person you're in here really upset about, who you said has caused a lot of problems in your life. I want you to begin rattling off for me what are some things they brought good to your life. The ability to talk, to speak well. The ability to get yourself in and out of troublesome situations. The ability to smooth things over. The ability to like or a roadmap for who you did not want to be. And what that does is is it A levels the humanizes somebody. It gives them a360 you a365 degree picture of somebody. Not just a caricature of all the bad stuff, but it also often and I think compassion is important even when it's hard. It gives you a sense of oh, that was a person. Maybe they were wrestling with their own demons, maybe their dad disappeared on them or beat the holy crap out of them. And so their gift to you was I don't know how to deal with my anger so I'm just not going to be here. Maybe in their mind that was the greatest thing they could have ever done. Maybe every time were driving off to the bar they were s. Your father was sobbing. It humanizes everything. It doesn't give an excuse to what happened, but it gives a context for what happened. Why is that important? Carrying around all of those bricks of anger and rage against one person weighs you down. It doesn't weigh them down. And by leveling that scale and trying to humanize the other person, it gives you a context for it and it gives your body permission to set that crap down and move on. And it' just a more honest way to do healing. Now if you were sexually abused or something like I I'm not into blaming fair. Right. But blaming fair for she left me, she broke up with me, she broke my heart, she cheated on me. Cool. All that's true and real. An important exercise is asking yourself did you bring anything to the other side of that equation? Well, Yeah, I work 24 7. Yeah, I was pretty rude. Yeah. I would Make a budget and get really pissed off if she didn't follow it exactly to the letter that I put on the tape. Right. Blaming fair is a way. When it. When it's you on the block is a way of you being able to process what did you bring to this equation? Maybe nothing, but maybe something. Maybe a whole bunch. Right. And so blaming fair is just saying, I want to take an. A look at the entire picture here and be honest about all of it. I'm going to be really honest about all the negative. I've got to be honest about the positive. If I'm going to be really honest about what they did to me, I need to be honest and reflective and curious about did I do anything to them. All of that is a way for us to set down these bricks that we're carrying and get on about moving on with our life, moving forward, which is the only thing we can actually change. That's it. And so that's the. An elaboration on blaming fair. You think that made James and his terrible judgment about who's more important in this show. I don't know. No, no, no.

[Kelly]

I think that. I don't think his judgments changed about who's more important.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh.

[Kelly]

Because I think that part's clear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha.

[Kelly]

But I think you answered that very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Do you blame fair?

[Kelly]

I'd like to say that I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I say this? I think that's something you've gotten incredibly good at the last half decade we've worked together.

[Kelly]

How so? What have I blamed you for?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everything. But every.

[Kelly]

But it's fair that I do that. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I. But over the last few years, I've been like. I've heard you'd be like. And I brought this.

[Kelly]

Yeah. I think that's, you know, therapy. That's something I've got better at. I have gotten better at, as I've learned, you know, and sadly, that's just something that comes along with life experience, you know, that you figure out that, like, oh, maybe I had a part to play in this too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. There's something free about learning. I played a role, too. It doesn't. It still hurts. It still doesn't give anybody a pass on the choices they made.

[Kelly]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I played a role here.

[Kelly]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so moving forward, all I can change is the role I'm going to continue to play in other. Other things.

[Kelly]

And I think for me personally, that came along from. Okay, me blaming the other person. There's a specific situation I'm thinking of. Clearly, it's not changing anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It solves no problem.

[Kelly]

Nothing's changed. And I keep doing this. So let's try this and see if that helps.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ta da.

[Kelly]

And it may not have helped the situation, but it helped me grow.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It helped you show up as the person you want to be. And that's all we can control. Blame fair America. Blame fair. Love you guys. Bye.