My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage

Summary

The Dr. John Deloney Show – Episode: "My Sexual Past Is Haunting My New Marriage"

Release Date: April 16, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network – Dr. John Deloney
Description: A caller-driven show providing real talk on relationships and mental health challenges.

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Introduction

In this poignant episode of The Dr. John Deloney Show, Dr. John Deloney tackles the intricate emotions surrounding past relationships and their impact on new marriages. Through heartfelt conversations with callers Marie and Rome, Dr. Deloney offers insightful guidance on overcoming self-doubt, finding career fulfillment, and navigating marital challenges rooted in personal history.

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Caller Spotlight: Marie from Kona, Hawaii

[00:05] Marie:
Marie opens up about her tumultuous past filled with numerous relationships. She expresses gratitude for her wonderful husband, who patiently waited for her, yet she grapples with feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

Key Discussion Points:

• Self-Worth and Past Relationships:
  Marie feels that her past has left emotional scars that hinder her ability to fully embrace her new marriage. She questions why she feels less deserving despite her husband's unwavering support.

• Emotional Healing Techniques:
  Dr. Deloney introduces Marie to practical strategies to rebuild her self-esteem. He encourages her to:

  • Visualize Removing Emotional Barriers:
    "Imagine you're taking off a helmet. That helmet was 'Everything's okay.' Now, realize that everything's not okay, and that's perfectly fine." [06:56]

  • Focus on the Present Relationship:
    He advises Marie to keep a photo of her husband as a tangible reminder of her present love, helping to redirect intrusive negative thoughts.

  • Journaling for Self-Reflection:
    Marie is encouraged to maintain a journal to document and challenge her negative self-talk, fostering self-compassion.

  • Collaborative Healing with Her Husband:
    Dr. Deloney suggests that Marie share her journal entries with her husband, allowing him to support her through her healing journey.

Notable Quote:

"You survived. You're here. You're worth being loved." [12:34] – Dr. John Deloney emphasizes the importance of self-forgiveness and recognizing one's inherent worth.

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Caller Spotlight: Rome from Tracy, California

[20:02] Rome:
Rome seeks advice on finding his passion and turning it into a sustainable career while supporting his family and caring for his six-month-old baby. At 35, he feels stuck in physically demanding dead-end jobs and yearns for meaningful work that aligns with his interests.

Key Discussion Points:

• Understanding Passion vs. Purpose:
  Dr. Deloney challenges the notion of a singular passion, suggesting that passion often evolves through perseverance and skill development rather than instant realization.

• Practical Steps for Career Transition:

  • Networking and Informational Interviews:
    Rome is encouraged to engage with managers and owners in industries of interest, such as grocery stores or bars, to gain insights and explore potential career paths.

  • Career Assessment Tools:
    Dr. Deloney recommends career assessment resources, including a free copy of Ken Coleman’s "Work You're Wired to Do," to help Rome identify his strengths and suitable career options.

  • Balancing Responsibilities and Personal Growth:
    Emphasizing Rome’s role as a loving father and husband, Dr. Deloney highlights the importance of self-worth in pursuing fulfilling work.

Notable Quote:

"Finding the thing you're good at means showing up and deciding that you're worth showing up for over and over again." [25:38] – Dr. Deloney underscores the value of persistence and self-belief in career development.

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Caller Spotlight: Jane from Chicago, Illinois

[33:07] Jane:
Jane faces challenges in getting her family to attend church due to her husband's resistance. Despite being long-time believers and following Dave Ramsey's Christian teachings, her husband has distanced himself from faith, causing strain in their marriage.

Key Discussion Points:

• Navigating Differences in Faith:
  Jane struggles with her husband’s lack of faith and his reluctance to participate in church activities, leading her to question the future of their spiritual and marital bond.

• Effective Communication Strategies:

  • Expressing Belief and Support:
    Dr. Deloney advises Jane to reassure her husband of his value and express unconditional support, saying, "I'm so grateful that you told me. I believe you. I love you." [40:37]

  • Creating a Safe Space for Vulnerability:
    He emphasizes the importance of fostering an environment where her husband feels safe to share his struggles without judgment.

  • Encouraging Professional Help:
    Suggesting that Jane and her husband continue seeing a marriage counselor, Dr. Deloney believes that underlying issues may be contributing to his withdrawal from faith.

Notable Quote:

"There's no such thing as caring too much about your husband." [44:17] – Dr. Deloney reassures Jane of the importance of her unwavering support.

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Conclusion

In this emotionally charged episode, Dr. John Deloney effectively addresses the lingering impact of past relationships on new marriages, the quest for meaningful career paths, and the challenges of differing faiths within a family. Through empathetic dialogue and actionable advice, he empowers listeners to embrace their worth, pursue their passions with resilience, and nurture their relationships with understanding and love.

Key Takeaways:

• Self-Forgiveness is Crucial for Healing: Embracing one's past and recognizing inherent worth can transform current relationships.

• Persistence Over Instant Passion: Building skills and showing up consistently fosters genuine passion and career fulfillment.

• Effective Communication Strengthens Marital Bonds: Expressing belief, support, and empathy can bridge gaps caused by differing beliefs and personal struggles.

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Remember: If you’re facing similar challenges, reaching out for support—whether through therapy, trusted advisors, or community resources—can make a significant difference in your journey toward healing and fulfillment.

Transcript

[Marie]

My past is a lot more like checkered with strings of relationships. And my husband's wonderful. He waited for, you know, his life and so that's been such a blessing, but also just wishing I had had that to offer to him too.

[John Deloney]

Why don't you think you're wonderful, Murray? What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the doct John Deloney show taking your calls on your marriages and your relationships and your mental and emotional health, whatever you got going on in your life. For the last two decades, I've been sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move. That's what this show is all about. Real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz, dude. I'd love to have you on the show, actually. Fill out on the Internet, go to john deloney.com/k. Evidently, the toll free numbers giving people some, some head tilts because you guys weren't around when toll free numbers existed. So go to johndelony.com askask fill out the form on the interwebs and it'll go into Kelly and Taylor's inbox and then Kelly will make the ultimate decision. And if you hear it in my voice, dude, I'm coming off of being. So I'm in this sick since, I don't know, since I was a kid maybe, man. Gnarly Marley flu. So I am.

[Marie]

Yeah, I had it two weeks ago and it was rough.

[John Deloney]

I know I was gonna wait till I got in front of everybody to say thank you for giving me that. I'm really embracing.

[Marie]

I did not give you the flu. I mean, like half our sales teams down with it. There are so many people down with it.

[John Deloney]

It was wild in the streets, man. But, but I'm slowly coming back. Slowly but surely. But dang, Gina, I'm struggling. All right, though, right? I've got your shining face looking right at me. Kelly, that, that.

[Marie]

We're just glad you're feeling better. Yesterday was great when you came in.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, it wasn't great. But today. And we're back. Let's go out to Kona, Hawaii and talk to dear Marie. My favorite John Mayor song. What's up, Marie?

[Marie]

Hi, Dr. John. My question for you today is, gosh, just dealing with the, I guess, memories and like, consequences and just struggles of my past and coming into a new marriage with a wonderful man. Yeah, it's just been, it's been hard and I'm just wanting to fully enjoy him, but having that past and kind of thinking I had, you know, Gotten through it and left it and was. Yeah. Moved. Moved through it. But then you, like, bring a new person into your life and. Yeah, it's just been. It's been hard.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Well, thanks for calling. Tell me about yourself a little bit.

[Marie]

Yeah. I'm 28, and my husband and I met only a year ago, but we are both believers. And so just right away, we knew that, like, this was the person God had been preparing us for.

[John Deloney]

Believers. Like Christian faith believers.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Sorry.

[John Deloney]

No, it's okay.

[Marie]

I'm really choked up.

[John Deloney]

No, you're good. Take it. Take a second. Take a second, man. There's no rush.

[Marie]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

We're all good.

[Marie]

Yeah, I guess just. Yeah. I mean, my past is a lot more, like, checkered with just a lot of different, like, strings of relationships and kind of, like, finding my home and whoever I would be dating. And my husband's wonderful. He waited for, you know, his life, and so that's been such a blessing, but also just wishing I had had that to offer to him, too. And I did share, like, up front, like, I was like, this is everything, and I want it to be, like, fully known by him. And I guess also, like, there's an element that I feel like I. I wish I didn't, like, take him from someone better, you know? And I. I don't know why that's. That's a thing. Because we are so happy together, truly. Like, he's wonderful.

[John Deloney]

Why don't you. Why don't you think you're wonderful? Murray, That's a really incredible word. And your husband had a set of values before he got married, and he clinged tightly to those values. Right. And I'm happy for him. And I think that's wonderful. I think you're wonderful, too. And you didn't have that same ecosystem. You didn't have that same structure, and you didn't have those same values beforehand.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And now you do. Tell me why you don't think you're wonderful.

[Marie]

I guess. I mean, I guess I. I guess I think I am. You know, I have, like. Gosh, you just. I just go back and forth. I'm like, I wish I knew better. Like, I. I don't know. I just feel like I was. Like, my brain wasn't even there until I was 25.

[John Deloney]

You know, nobody's brain is there before they're 25. Nobody's brain is. Yeah.

[Marie]

Yeah, exactly. I know I have a lot to offer him, and I just, like, kind of. It's just more. I think it's just, like, the memories, you know, like those are going to be there.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Marie]

No matter what.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. What? I'm interested in something you said. It's really. It's really powerful that you were somebody who got really lost in relationships. Tell me about that.

[Marie]

Yeah, I had, you know, I have wonderful parents, but it was just a really, like, stressful home. And I.

[Kelly]

They.

[Marie]

Trying to do what's best for me, and they, you know, kicked me out of the house at 18. And then I. I mean, they still supported other ways, but I just. Yeah, I just kind of felt like I had to find somewhere.

[John Deloney]

You're saying. You're saying several conflicting things. I want. Do me a favor.

[Marie]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Do me a huge favor. Okay. Are you on a cell phone right now?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Yeah. So I want you to imagine. Close your eyes real quick and imagine you're taking off, like, a helmet. Okay. Just imagine you're taking it off and setting it on the table next to you.

[Rome]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

That helmet was. Everything's okay. Everything's okay. Everything's okay. Because that's been the phrase and statement that's got you through your entire life. Is that right?

[Marie]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Right this very second, everything's not okay. And that is okay. So with just you and just with me, that, that. That. Everything, everything, everything. Everything's okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. That helmet's off.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about growing up.

[Marie]

Just a really stressed out family. Okay. I don't have, like a ton of memories of it, but my sister is older than me and she, you know, she held a lot of anger and then of what she went through, and I think I. I just blocked it out mostly. So what I remember of the stress is from, like, secondhand, from her telling me.

[John Deloney]

But that stress is encoded in your nervous system.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Now, I would tell any young girl, any young girl to be careful about sexual exploitation. Okay. And there's not one bit of that story that surprises me that some guy looked at you and held you tight and said, no, no, I'm safe. And your body went, oh, thank God. And then when you found out that guy was a creep that you found, somebody else who, at least for a short minute, would say, no, no, no, no. With me, you're safe. Right. So I would never. I wouldn't recommend somebody take that path, but I wouldn't blame somebody for it either. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So exhale for a second, and I want you to hear the words that I'm saying really clearly. You did what you had to do to survive. And you're here. Do you hear me?

[Kelly]

Yes.

[Rome]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Now tell me about this knuckleheaded boy you married.

[Marie]

He's awesome. He's kind of a redneck. He works on cars, and he comes from a really good family. He's got a twin sister who loves him, and his whole family is just wonderful. And, I mean, he's in the military and he works on airplanes, and he loves me. And I do think it's the first time I've actually felt safe. I know you use that word for the other relationships, but.

[John Deloney]

Oh, they were all pretend safe. That's right. You're exactly right. They're all pretend safe. Yeah.

[Marie]

Yeah, but it. Just meeting him, I knew that he really sounds cheesy, but really saw me and.

[John Deloney]

Does he lie to you?

[Marie]

No.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so here's what I want you. Here's the thing. In the moments you don't believe yourself, I want you to believe him. Okay?

[Kelly]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And the moments that those. Those. Those fleeting moments when those old memories pop back in your head of things you did, people you were with, when they pop back in your head, you have a choice. Do I want to meditate on that? Do I want to think about it? Do I want to fantasize about it? And by the way, like, let's just be super honest, there was probably some excitement and some fun and some rambunctiousness back then that probably a part of you misses. Is that fair?

[Marie]

No, I don't think so. I don't think I miss it. I. I want it to stop coming through my head.

[John Deloney]

Okay. That's. Man, amazing. That's awesome. I love being wrong on that. So when it. When it lightning bolts in your head, here's the two things. I want you to exhale, and I want you to know you've got a choice about what you think about next. But you have to have something ready.

[Marie]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

Will you keep a small picture of you and him together? Or a picture of him all grimy, working on a car? I don't know what you think is hot? I don't know what, Marie?

[Marie]

I don't know. Yeah, that's it.

[John Deloney]

But, like, will you keep a picture in your back pocket or on your phone, and when one of those lightning bolts pops in your head, you just exhale a second and you stop and focus on him? And here's the deal. Over time, those lightning bolts will get fewer and fewer and fewer and fewer. And also, I want you to begin carrying around a small journal where you begin to write down those awful thoughts you have about yourself. Because you talk about yourself in a way that you would punch somebody through a wall if they talked about someone else. Right?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Don't talk to my friend Marie that way. Don't talk to your husband's amazing wife that way. You know what I mean?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You survived. You're here.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so here's the deal. I want you to write those down. Those times you think he doesn't deserve me, I'm keeping him from another more special woman. I want you to write that down. Get that sentence out of your body. And if you want to be extra brave, tell your husband, as a part of being married to me and a part of my healing, I want to begin to love myself as much as you love me. I feel how much you love me. And sometimes I don't even get it. It doesn't even make sense. But I want to try. And so maybe once a week I'm going to read you four or five or seven crazy thoughts that popped in my head and I just want you to answer yes or no. Will you hold my hands when I read them?

[Kelly]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

I took you from some other more amazing woman than me. He's gonna laugh at you with his redneck hee Haw and whatever, say you're crazy. Next one, right?

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And how gangster are you feeling right now?

[Marie]

50%.

[John Deloney]

50% gangster. That's enough for me. How old are you?

[Marie]

28.

[John Deloney]

Close your eyes.

[Marie]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

I want you to picture 19 year old Marie standing right in front of you. What's she wearing?

[Marie]

I don't know. Probably like a swim cover up, going to the beach.

[John Deloney]

Okay. What color is her hair?

[Marie]

Blonder than now.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Long, short, long. Okay. And you catch her just before she runs out the back door. I want you to imagine yourself walking over to her and giving her a huge hug. And tell her that you're sorry that parents didn't show up and you're sorry the house is so chaotic. Her body has chosen to not remember it. And that you're going to do what you have to survive. But when you're 28 years old, you're going to meet an amazing man that's going to provide some stability. And he's going to have an amazing family, by the way. Not perfect. You're going to find out they're crazy too. Every family is crazy in it. But they're going to love you recklessly. Right? Is that right, Marie?

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Marie]

Tell her to wait for it, to try to be patient.

[John Deloney]

No, don't tell her that. Don't tell her that we're just going to tell her we love her, okay? And then it works out. You can't change what happened. That's the thing. Worrying about what happened, being angry about what happened. There's a period at the end of that sentence. The only thing you can do is write a new sentence. That's it. And so all your energy can be spent on saying, nope, not going back there. I've got this here now. And me and Hillbilly, we're building something amazing together. Do you get what I'm saying? He chose you. He chose you. That tells me you're worth being chosen. He may be wonderful, but I think you're wonderful too. Okay?

[Kelly]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Today we choose forgiveness. For Maria set down the struggles of a 22 year old and a 26 year old and a 27 year old. But she did to survive. She's here and now. We're gonna start living for tomorrow, for today, actually, for today. And we're gonna start building something for tomorrow. And by the way, this won't happen over a weekend. It's gonna take time to forgive yourself, to practice, to catch yourself in bad habits. Those lightning bolts will pop in your head. Some days when you're tired, you've had too much junk food, they'll really hang around. You're gonna keep working on it. You're gonna keep working on it because you are worth being loved. It's been an honor to talk to you, my friend Marie. Thank you so much for calling. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. Easter is just around the corner, and it's one of the most important days of the Christian calendar. Easter is a season of spring, which means new life and freedom that goes beyond feeling good in any one moment. It's about real, lasting freedom that comes from being intentional, choosing peace, and finding and trusting God. And that's why I love what Hallow is doing. This Easter, they're offering a special prayer series focused on finding interior freedom, letting go of the stress, worry, and that constant need to try to control everything. Their prayer series is about finding peace by trusting in God's love and grace and mercy. These short prayers and reflections are designed to help you keep building on those daily habits you started during Lent, so that you can carry that sense of peace into Easter and beyond. And that's just one of thousands of songs, prayers and meditations on Hallow's amazing app. And they help you stay grounded and connected every single day. So download Hallow right now and get three months free at Hallow h a l l o w hallow.com DeLoney Again, that's Hallow. H a l l o w.com DeLoney for three months for free. All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Please don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internets all day, every day. And I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter. It's here and it's happening. Everything in my life and everything in your life takes place over the Internet. Our work, our health portals, our personal messages and communications. Where we live. We buy most of our things on the Internets now. It's where so much of our life exists. And because so much of our life takes place on the Internet now, somehow it just became normal over time to just give away our address or our email addresses or our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. Ugh. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete Me. I looked at the reports that my friends at Delete Me have sent me. They reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers that potentially had access to my information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even, and they've sent detailed reports to me showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of piece too. We can't really avoid the Internet, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all delete me plans. That comes out to less than nine bucks a month. Go to join J-O-I-N JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney right now that's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and save. All right, let's go out to Tracy, California and talk to Rome. What's up Rome?

[Rome]

How you doing, Dr. John?

[John Deloney]

I'm good, brother. What's up in your world?

[Rome]

A lot of chaos.

[John Deloney]

A lot of chaos, man. Well, how can I help?

[Rome]

Well, my question is how can I find my passion and turn it into a career while also, you know, supporting my family and my six month old baby.

[John Deloney]

I always. How old are you?

[Rome]

I am 35.

[John Deloney]

35? Yeah. I, I, I guess I don't put a lot of stock in, quote unquote, finding your passion. Tell me, tell me what's beneath the question. What's been going on in your world.

[Rome]

Just I've just realized that I keep finding dead end jobs, meaningless jobs, that I just, I want to find something that I could possibly enjoy doing, you know, for the next 30 years and also being able to be home and, you know, provide for my family.

[John Deloney]

Hmm. Well, I guess first off, I would throw out any notion that you're gonna have a single job for the next 30 years. We're about to go through, or we're going through one of the most significant upheavals in work history in human civilization. So I, I wouldn't count on like the next 30 years. Often when people ask me the question you're asking me when I'm out on the road, it comes from a different place. And that is, you're trying to find a place that you can go, a thing that you can do that will make you feel like you're finally worthy or finally have some sort of purpose in the world. Does that sound right?

[Kelly]

That's correct.

[John Deloney]

So tell me the last, since you've been 21, that's the last 14 years, bouncing around from job to job to job, have you increasingly found yourself just not liking Rome, not liking the guy you see in the mirror?

[Rome]

Yes and no. I think to dig a little deeper, I think basically growing up, so essentially my parents moved over here to the United States from another country. And growing up myself, I kind of was limited, if that makes any sense, to certain things, growing up as a child, you know, and I kind of, how can I say, I kind of envisioned a lot of closed doors in front of me. And once the opportunity came where, you know, those doors opened up slightly, I, you know, started thinking, okay, what's something that I could probably enjoy or do? I pursued it, ended up not, I guess, choosing the wrong thing, basically jumping around from job to job. I changed careers multiple times. I'm at one now where I'm just realizing that it's probably not going to be for me. It does pay well, but it's not something I see myself doing long term.

[John Deloney]

What do you see? What do you see yourself doing long term?

[Rome]

I don't know. Honestly, I don't. I feel, I feel like I'm stuck.

[John Deloney]

And I think, I think that's the problem, that you keep taking these new jobs, these great opportunities and you keep going with you, like you become the common denominator here. And you have a six month old baby, you're working a job, you don't love it, but it's, it makes good money, it's paying for the bills. Are you married?

[Rome]

Yes, I Am.

[John Deloney]

Okay. So is it covering the bills in your house, taking care of your family?

[Rome]

It is, brother.

[John Deloney]

That's noble. Like, exhale on that. It's not your passion. Great. Like, people who tell you to go find your passion, man, they're snake oil salesmen. Most people become passionate about what they're really good at, and you get really good at something by doing it over and over and over again, and that means you fail a lot. People make you do it. You show up because you get arbitrary deadlines and what yet. Right. So it's. It's a process, but there's. You're. You're apart. You're 35 years old, man. You were the. You were the students in college when I was a professor and a dean of students. Like, you guys were told that it would feel a certain way when you got there, and they lied to you, man. My generation, we lied to you. And I'm sorry on behalf of everybody. It. It. It still is. Every day you wake up, and it's really hard.

[Rome]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And there's still days I wake up and, dude, I don't like. It's this job that I'm in right now. I'm as passionate about helping people as I've always been. There's days it's really hard, man. And then in two days, I'm gonna. I've been sick for the whole week, and I've got to get these shows in, and we got to cut ads, and then I got to get on a plane and fly to Austin for an interview, and then that night, fly to Phoenix to speak to 80,000. Like, it just doesn't stop. Right. So I'm passionate about it, and it's a grind. And so I tell you that to tell you, like, finding the thing you're good at just means showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and showing up and deciding I'm going to get better and better at this thing. But that usually means you got to decide that you're worth showing up for over and over again. And I don't know that you believe that.

[Rome]

I think. I think one of the things that I'm stuck at when I'm with this job is it's. It's very physically demanding. And that's one of the reasons why I. I know it's something I can't do long term just because I'm. I'm slightly starting to feel it on my body, and I just. I don't want to be, you know, hurting in the long run.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Do you go to the gym? Do you exercise?

[Rome]

I, I was going pretty frequently. Once the baby was born, you know, that changed. Changed things a little bit.

[John Deloney]

Sure.

[Rome]

And I just got to the point where I felt like I was overworking my body with going to the gym and also my job. It just became too much, I think, physically.

[John Deloney]

So I'm going to hook you up with my friend. My friend Ken Coleman's got a career assessment. I want you to take it. Okay. So I'm going to give it to you for free. Okay. And it comes with a, with a book. I'll send you all that stuff for free. Okay. It's called Work youk're Wired to Do. I'll send you all that and you can take the inventory. The bigger thing is beneath all of that. Do you like being a dad?

[Rome]

I love it. It's, it's, it's the best thing ever, honestly.

[John Deloney]

Do you like being a husband? Like being a husband?

[Rome]

I do, Yes. I have an amazing wife.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Does she work?

[Rome]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay. I would love to see you stick at something for a season and just make a commitment to yourselves. I'm not going to quit for two years. I'm going to grind it out or I'm going to do this job and I'm going to take a side hustle job too. And I'm going to begin to get my, my fingers and toes wet and a lot of different things. But I think if you were to quit this job and to go start a new job within six months, you would find a reason why this job wasn't going to be, quote, unquote, your long term job. Because you don't have a vision even for what that long term job is. Because you don't have a vision for what it looks like to look in the mirror and just be happy with Rome. And so everything you're chasing is always going to be out there. Out there, out there, out there. Does that make sense? Maybe. I'm out to lunch, man. I'm okay if I'm, if I'm completely missing the mark here.

[Rome]

No, I think you're, I think you're pretty spot on.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Did somebody tell you you weren't enough?

[Rome]

No, not necessarily. I just, I think growing up I never had any form of guidance. I guess you could say.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Rome]

I was just kind of figuring life out as I went along.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, your parents were just hustling and hustling.

[Rome]

Yeah, yeah, they were, they were. Yeah. They were always working growing up.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, it was tough, you know, it's tough And I know their life was tough, too, man. Tough, tough, tough, tough, tough. So you do me a favor at your job site now, are you. Are you throwing boxes? Are you. What are you doing? Give me a. Give me a vague picture, a big picture.

[Rome]

I work in a beverage, delivering beverages to, you know, stores, restaurants.

[John Deloney]

Okay, okay.

[Rome]

Groceries. And. Yeah, so it's basically breaking down pallets worth of product and moving it along as I go. And.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Rome]

Yeah, it's very physically demanding.

[John Deloney]

There you go. Do you like the beverage industry, or do you like the grocery stores that you. That you deliver to or the bars that you roll into?

[Rome]

Some yes, some no.

[John Deloney]

Okay, so maybe sitting down with. Asking for 5 minutes or 15 minutes, or grab a quick cup. Cup of coffee with an assistant store manager who sees you in your uniform working, and you have a great attitude when you work. And you go in there and you're always working and working, and you sit down and ask. Ask for 10 minutes of his time and grab him a cup of coffee and say, I'll pay for it. Even though it's his. His grocery store. You say, hey, can I pick your brain for 10 minutes? What's it like being a manager of a grocery store? Because I'm interested in this industry, but I might trade. I might. I might be looking to. To shift, and I just want to have a conversation with somebody about that. Or if you like walking into a bar, then in the morning in the light, and it's smoky and somebody's sweeping it up, you think, man, this would be a fun life. Sit down and talk to the owner. Or you're, you know, you're dropping, I don't know, food off or dropping drinks off at a local gym. But it's just about sitting down with somebody and saying, hey, tell me about the life of. Of this job, of this career. You're right. Running. Running drinks, running beverage is tough. It's tough. It beats up your hips and your. And your knees. Over time, you can also make some good money. And you can hustle, hustle, hustle, man. But it's just about saying what. Taking that next step. But also, here's the thing. I really want to encourage you. In fact, hang on the line. I'm gonna hook you up with Ken Coleman's book, the work you're wired to do. And I'm gonna hook you up with my friends at BetterHelp. I want you to talk to a counselor. I want you to talk to a counselor because there's something in your affect and there's something in your story. That I'm missing. But I think it's, it's weighing heavy on you because wherever you're going, you keep going with you. And until you're okay with you, it's going to make showing up anywhere that much harder. Okay, so hang on the line here, brother. I'm really grateful for the call, Rome, and congratulations on being a good dad and for having a new baby and for being a good husband. You're showing up and putting food on the table, which is what you to be doing in this season. But I think you're right. There may be more out there in the world for you. So hang on the line here, brother. We'll get you hooked up with some good resources. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk train. Well, cutting corners with our physical fitness won't cut it. Whenever I try to just wing it and I don't have like a specific plan or any workout goals, I just end up skipping workouts or I make a lot of excuses and I just don't get anywhere with my workouts. And I hear from a lot of you and you guys are all feeling the same thing. If we want real progress towards our fitness goals, we got to have a real plan. And Train Wheel's got just the plan for everyone. Train Wheel offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. And that means it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, you just get online and answer a few questions about your fitness journey. And you hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to to go get after it. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep changing and tweaking them to help you get stronger and better. I use it, my wife use it, some of our friends use it. We've been using these workouts and train well takes away our excuses and makes working out easier. If you're ready to start taking control of your physical health, take the quiz to find your Perfect [e-mail] Doloney today. And right now they have a special offer for my audience. 89 bucks a month when you lock in your plan. Plus they're going to throw in 14 days of free intensive personal training. Go to trainwell.net doloney that's train T R A I N trainwell.net deloney all right, let's go out to Chicago, Illinois and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up? Jane?

[Kelly]

Hey. My question is, I was wondering how I could get my family to attend church despite my husband's resistance.

[John Deloney]

I don't know. Best of luck. Best of luck to you, Jane. I don't know. Tell me about it.

[Kelly]

So when we first got married, we used to go together all the time. We've been together, gosh, over 10 years now. And over the years, he's just stopped wanting to go. I still go. I like going. My kids like going. But it's hard when we're not all together. You know what I mean? And we've been.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about that being hard. Like it's hard. Like it's hard, like, logistically, or it's hard emotionally embarrassing. Tell me about it.

[Kelly]

Well, some. I'm a firm believer in God, and everything happens for a reason. And he plays a big role in our lives. And even when you think he's not listening, he is, you know. Okay. My husband doesn't have the same belief. Like, he doesn't. I don't think it's really, like, the church going that's bothering me. It's like the lack of faith.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

And I don't know. I can't force anybody to do anything, but I just thought when, you know, the first however many years, that it was a part of his life and it turns out it's not anymore. And that matters a lot to me.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. So was he hurt by the church growing up?

[Kelly]

He says it was his parents.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Tell me about that.

[Kelly]

I don't know. Trying to get him to talk about it is like pulling teeth with no Novocaine.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, man. So I wonder if there's some. Some pretty serious hurt down in there, and he may be not wanting to talk to you about it because he doesn't want to hurt what he sees that you hold so valuable. Right.

[Kelly]

Yes. I don't know. I found a book. It's called Pray for Him. I don't know. Oh, it's a good one. It basically teaches you that you can control yourself and you keep praying for them to find their way. I've been following it. I just. I don't. It just doesn't feel like he's wanting to change his opinions or feelings or thoughts. And I don't. I don't know if it's worth pushing or if I just need to, like, stay back and be quiet about it or. And just keep going with the kids or, like, you know.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. I mean, there's. There's a couple of different things I'm thinking Here, number one. I may have mentioned this on the show before. We've got 700 episodes or something now, so I don't remember if I have or not, but I remember running across a video. It was an old Pen and Teller video. They, they, they were, they still are magicians, but I forget the name of the tall guy. Is it Teller or Pen? It's a tall one. Teller.

[Kelly]

I don't know.

[Marie]

I've never watched it.

[John Deloney]

The tall one is Pen. So Penn had. He was just telling a pretty amazing story about a guy coming up to him after a show. And Penn is a devout atheist. He's a, he's a. Or at the time was. I don't know. I don't have any idea what his religious affiliation is now, but he was a outspoken atheist. Okay. And he said this guy showed up after the show talking about magic, talking about the show, talking about the, the, the, you know, whatever. And as he started to leave, he said, hey, I'm a, I'm a Christian and I would kick myself if I didn't ask you to come to church with me tomorrow. And the guy said, well, I'm going to pass on it, but thank you so much for the invite. And Pen, I remember he was a. It was a. He was doing it on a, on a. On his phone. It was a small video on his phone. It was before everybody did this, like, on social media. But he said, if you believe that a truck is coming my way and you're yelling at me, hey, there's a truck coming. And I'm like, no, there's not. I would hope you would love me enough to try to push me out of the way.

[Kelly]

Right.

[John Deloney]

And so what he was saying was, is this guy was so kind, was so complimentary, like, clearly was a fan of the show, wasn't a ruse to come talk to me about his, his forces religion on me and also cares enough about my soul that I don't even believe in that he would say, hey, I would love for you to come to church with me. And he was just saying, I honor that guy. Good for him. And so if you are, if you're sitting calling me because you are worried about your, like, the, Your faith has said, hey, people like your husband are. And grave, eternal danger. That's. That's challenge number one, right?

[Kelly]

If, like, it has been struggling mentally a lot too.

[John Deloney]

And that's what. That was my next. That's my next thing.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I guarantee you that church isn't the only thing that you thought was going to be a Part of Yalls life that has fallen off.

[Kelly]

Right.

[John Deloney]

What else has changed.

[Kelly]

Everything.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it.

[Kelly]

So we've been recently trying to get out of debt. We've been following Dave Ramsey's plan. That's kind of what sparked all this, is because in Dave Ramsey's teachings, it's very.

[John Deloney]

He's a very. He's a very. Yeah, exactly. And outspoken Christian.

[Kelly]

And I love it.

[John Deloney]

Yep.

[Kelly]

Like, he's bought. Like, he's bought me your books. He's bought. I think we bought pretty much everything we can from you guys to help us get back on track. Right.

[John Deloney]

And get back on track to what, though? That's what I'm getting to.

[Kelly]

Just being happy. Being able to be in a place where we can not have to worry about money or anything. You know, like the daily struggles, like, to a point. He doesn't have to go to work. He just. He can go to work. You know what I mean?

[John Deloney]

Okay. But dig underneath that. What has changed? You're talking all about symptoms. What has changed?

[Kelly]

Our marriage.

[John Deloney]

Tell me about it. What has changed?

[Kelly]

We're different people now than we were when we got together.

[John Deloney]

Of course you were.

[Kelly]

We've. There's just a lot of things that have.

[John Deloney]

What are they? Start spitting them out.

[Kelly]

I don't know.

[John Deloney]

Y'all vote. Did you change the way he votes now?

[Marie]

No.

[Kelly]

No.

[John Deloney]

Does he change the way he dresses?

[Kelly]

No.

[John Deloney]

Do you start listening to Morgan Wallen all of a sudden? No. No.

[Kelly]

And that's. That's the thing is, like, I. I don't know what. What's changed with him. Like, he just tells me, you know, he's had these feelings come up, and all of a sudden he's struggling. I'm like, okay, but where did it come from? Because I thought everything was fine.

[John Deloney]

Okay, that's not the. That's not a good answer.

[Kelly]

I know. I don't know what to say.

[Marie]

I'm sorry.

[John Deloney]

When your husband comes to you and says, hey, I don't know where they're coming from, but all these feelings are coming up inside of me. Take both of his hands and put your. Put one. Hold one of his hands and take the other hand and put it behind his neck and look him in the eyes and say, I'm so grateful that you told me. Thank you. I believe you.

[Kelly]

I have to try that.

[John Deloney]

Please do that right when you get off this call.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

For a man to say that to his wife, I'm. I'm speaking generally. That's a guy on the edge saying, help.

[Kelly]

That's what I'm afraid of.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And when you say, I thought everything was fine, he goes, oh, yeah. Crap. Keep that bottled up.

[Kelly]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Okay. And so as soon as this call is over, if you can get to him in person, get to him in person and say, hey, I. I said this wrong. I believe you. I love you.

[Kelly]

Okay. I can do that.

[John Deloney]

Because he may have challenges in his life with some sort of addiction you don't know anything about. He may have challenges in his life financially that you don't know anything about. He may have all kind of challenges that makes. Walking into a church makes him feel like he's gonna get struck by lightning.

[Kelly]

Right.

[John Deloney]

He may not think that he deserves to be seen next to you and those kids in that church building could have nothing to do with his faith. He could be struggling with anxiety. He could be struggling with depression. He could be struggling with any number.

[Kelly]

Of things that makes sense.

[John Deloney]

And most men do not have the. The. The verbal skills to articulate what's going on. So they hit things. They hide. They drink beer or they play video games. They shut down.

[Kelly]

Sunspot Rate.

[John Deloney]

Those are usually signs for me, especially when they come out of nowhere or they're. They. They come on strong that somebody's not doing well.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Would he go see a marriage counselor with you?

[Kelly]

Yep.

[Marie]

Yep.

[Kelly]

We've been. We've been doing that. Yeah. We found a good one.

[John Deloney]

Has he told the truth?

[Kelly]

I don't know.

[John Deloney]

You know him. You've been with him for over 10 years. When you leave, do you feel like all. All airs are out of the room? Do you feel like all things are on the table or not?

[Kelly]

No.

[John Deloney]

Okay. It's time for you to go there.

[Kelly]

Right.

[John Deloney]

Are you scared about what you're gonna find?

[Kelly]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

What are you gonna find?

[Kelly]

I don't know, but I'm worried.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

You know, sometimes you just get a feeling.

[John Deloney]

Yep. 100%.

[Kelly]

Yep. That's where I'm at.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Go towards it.

[Kelly]

But I don't know. He likes to be left alone sometimes to just process things in his head, and I'm trying to respect that, but at the same time, I can see him hurting, and I don't want to make anything worse, and that's kind of where I struggle.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Because I. I care a lot. I know too much.

[John Deloney]

No, there's no such thing as caring too much about your husband.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

There's no such thing as that.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Lead with curiosity over judgment. Okay.

[Kelly]

All. All the time. Yep.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

No one's perfect. And I'm not in a place to Judge.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

I just care. And it. It's hard to get through those walls.

[John Deloney]

So start this time saying, I'm sorry I said the wrong thing here.

[Kelly]

I can do that.

[John Deloney]

I believe you that you're not. Okay. And sometimes I get loud and I get. I care so much. I get overzealous, and I just get worried about everything all at the same time. But I promise I'll do my best to be a safe place. What is actually going on? Please tell me I can do that. We leave the counselor's office, and I know in my bones you're leaving stuff unfed. Please tell me.

[Kelly]

I can do that.

[John Deloney]

Are you safe?

[Kelly]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Yes, we're safe.

[John Deloney]

All right. Today's the day.

[Kelly]

I just.

[John Deloney]

Today's the day.

[Kelly]

Yep, it is. All right.

[John Deloney]

I'm happy to talk to him, too. Sounds like he's a good man. Just going through it, huh?

[Kelly]

Oh, yeah, yeah. He's. He's one of the good ones.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

I just. He's. He's just hurting, I think.

[John Deloney]

Turn the lights on for him and it might be standing in that. In that first initial blast. I just need to be by myself. I'm not going to leave you alone on this one.

[Kelly]

It has no point in being married if you're gonna leave each other alone.

[John Deloney]

I know. I'm not gonna leave you alone on this one. Usually I'll respect that, but not today, because I see that you're not. Okay.

[Kelly]

I can tell him that. That's easy.

[John Deloney]

With one hand on the back of his neck.

[Kelly]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

I can do that.

[John Deloney]

All right. Let me know how it goes. Jane. Call anytime. Okay, sister.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

All right. You got it. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Health. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times, and I'm just gonna keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should do. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people, some of you have tracker watches. Some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well being, we don't want to spend the money. We don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and Emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news, BetterHelp makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this, your well being is worth it. You are worth it. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Hey, don't forget to hit the subscribe button and the like button and tell the Internet overlords that you love the show and send it on to somebody that you love and care about. And don't forget, me and my buddy Dave Ramsey are going on tour. Ramseysolutions.com events for tickets. It's going to be wheels off. The John Deloney Show, Ramsey show in a weird mix live. And it's gonna be, it's gonna be incredible. All right, so money, marriage, event question. I'm flipping over my paper here. Let's see here. Oh, here it is right here. All right, this is me looking at it for the first time. Is it better to start with small things or just jump into the heavy stuff when I haven't been vulnerable much in the past. Great, great question. I don't know. You know what, let me think through this here in real time. I'll let kind of give you a framework for how I'd think of this. So I guess caution number one is. Yes. If you've never been vulnerable in your marriage before, if you've never talked about really heavy stuff or past abuse or past, you know, sexual past, anything like that. If you've never talked about those things in the past and one day you're like, hey, I need to be vulnerable. And let's pretend this is a husband and your wife's making dinner. Your wife's walking in from her job as an attorney holding a briefcase and she's like, what? And you just vomit. Yeah, I wouldn't start like that. So number one, environment's going to be important. Where are we going? And we're going to set that up. Hey, I'm gonna practice being vulnerable here. I've never done this before. I'm so nervous and I got Some big things to talk about and some. I got tons of stuff I've just kept bottled up forever, and I don't. Don't know how to do this. So this Saturday, we're gonna go to breakfast, and I'd like to take you. I've made child care arrangements. I want to take you out. So you're setting the context. You're changing the environment up a little bit. That way it's not like there's not dirty dishes over here or a baby crying over here or a gutter that needs fixing over here. Y'all can get away and just focus on each other. That's number one. Number two, I would suggest starting with small things in equal parts for you and for your partner so you can practice. And small things might be. Hey, hey. I don't. I've never told you this. Like, whenever I come home and you've made dinner, husband or wife, I feel so loved. It's amazing. I've never told you this. Those red shoes are embarrassing to me. And I kind of want to set my rods and cones on fire so I can't see color anymore because I hate them so much. Right, right. Like, little things like that, they're kind of fun, kind of silly, kind of little, kind of whatever. And then lead into the big stuff. If there's big stuff that's kind of just hanging out there. I've been cheating. Cheating on you. You know, your dad did this, and you didn't know it. That kind of stuff, then small stuff actually is distracting. It. It causes a problem. So we need to. We need to set up. Hey, I need to tell you about a big, scary thing. It's hard for me to talk about. Let's do that tonight after the kids go to bed. We're just going to get right into it, but it just kind of depends on what's the small stuff and what's the heavy stuff. I always like a ramp in, but not if there's something major, major, major we need to discuss right now. If it's just about being vulnerable in general. Yeah. Practice with small stuff. Try out a big thing, and you're looking for your partners. Like, their eyebrows and their eyes get wide. You know, their eye crinkles them. Are they being curious? Are they being judgmental and. Yeah. So practice that and give your partner an opportunity to say the wrong thing and to go, oh, my gosh. Okay, Sorry that I said, oh, my gosh, or I can't believe you didn't tell me. Or that hurts my feelings, too. Like, give them permission to say the wrong thing out of the gate. Also, it's just a part about. It's just part of being graceful and being in relationship with each other. But, yeah, hopefully, that helps me. Being vulnerable is a process. It's a. It's a skill. It's a way of being. It's a thing that you do, and it's a thing that you are, and it's a way of. Of interacting with the world. And it just takes practice, especially if you've been told your whole life it's for weaklings and cowards, and it's not. It's the way relationships. The adhesive that keeps relationships together and bonded. So great question. Thank you all so much for reaching out. Hey, everybody. Be kind to each other. Be kind to one another. Be kind to one another. We'll see you soon. Love you guys. Bye.