My Son Is Ready for Church Camp (but I’m Not)

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – Episode: "My Son Is Ready for Church Camp (but I’m Not)"

Episode Information:

• Title: My Son Is Ready for Church Camp (but I’m Not)
• Host: Dr. John DeLoney, Ramsey Network
• Release Date: July 14, 2025
• Description: The Dr. John DeLoney Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to send questions via voicemail or email for discussion on the show.

---

I. Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, Dr. John addresses concerns from parents navigating the complexities of sending their children to summer and church camps amidst fears of abuse. Additionally, the show delves into the emotional struggles of maintaining relationships with adult children and coping with unexpected job loss. Through empathetic conversations and practical advice, Dr. John provides listeners with strategies to handle these personal challenges.

---

II. Rachel’s Call: Navigating Concerns About Summer Camp

Rachel’s Concerns: Rachel begins the conversation by expressing her and her husband’s enthusiasm for summer camps, emphasizing the positive impact they have on their children. However, she voices a growing fear due to reported abuse cases at camps, aiming to protect her children's innocence without instilling fear.

• Rachel: "My husband and I loved summer camp. Live for summer camp. But in recent years, we've heard of cases of abuse happening while at camp. So I want to protect my kid's innocence and not make them fearful. But it's also a real concern." [00:05]

Dr. John’s Perspective: Dr. John acknowledges the valid fears but provides a balanced view on the prevalence of such incidents.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "The vast majority of kids who go to summer camp do not get abused. The vast, vast, vast majority, they may get diarrhea because they eat nothing but Mountain Dew and Skittles for seven days..." [02:44]

He emphasizes that while abuse cases are serious, they are not the norm and often get overrepresented in media coverage. Dr. John reassures Rachel by sharing his personal experience of confidently sending his own children to camp after thorough vetting.

Practical Strategies: Dr. John offers actionable advice to alleviate parental anxiety:

1. Thorough Vetting: "Do I know and trust the camp director? Do I go through the safety protocols?" [04:16]
2. Open Communication: Educate children about appropriate and inappropriate touch to empower them.
3. Check-ins: Implement gentle check-in methods, such as morning texts or sending postcards, to maintain connection without overwhelming the child.
4. Embrace the Experience: Encourage parents to recognize that challenges at camp (like minor illnesses or injuries) are part of growth and resilience-building.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "What you're doing is always remembering. Like, you can talk to me. You can talk to me." [06:38]

III. Bonnie’s Call: Reconnecting with Adult Children

Bonnie’s Challenges: Bonnie reaches out feeling disconnected from her adult children, who frequently send her massages as gifts—a gesture she finds awkward and impersonal. She struggles with feelings of being a burden and longs for deeper communication.

• Bonnie: "Can I say I'd like something else, enough with the massages? Or do I just need to accept it graciously and stop being a jerk?" [13:12]

Dr. John’s Insight: Dr. John delves deeper into Bonnie’s emotional state, identifying underlying issues of feeling neglected and longing for meaningful connections.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "But the only reason you would land there is that at some point you did not have their attention or care." [14:23]

He encourages Bonnie to confront her fears of being a burden and to initiate honest conversations with her children about her feelings.

Advice for Reconnection: Dr. John suggests methods to bridge the emotional gap:

1. Express Vulnerability: "I'm missing my boys. I want to know what's going on in your lives." [18:00]
2. Initiate One-on-One Meetings: Plan individual outings with each child to foster personal connections.
3. Acknowledge Changes: Address the introduction of Bonnie’s new husband openly to prevent misunderstandings.
4. Let Go of Martyr Syndrome: Embrace the need to prioritize personal happiness and authentic relationships over self-imposed burdens.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "You are a good mom, and your little one's lucky to have you." [07:31]

IV. David’s Call: Coping with Job Loss and Anxiety

David’s Struggle: David shares his ongoing anxiety and fear following an unexpected job loss a year prior. Despite relocating and stabilizing his financial situation, he still grapples with feelings of failure and constant worry about job security.

• David: "I got let go from my job and I still have a lot of anxiety and fear after losing that. Never had that happen before." [29:30]

Dr. John’s Validation and Strategies: Dr. John validates David’s emotions, comparing job loss to experiencing the loss of a loved one in terms of psychological impact.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing your job can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one." [31:26]

He provides David with practical steps to manage his anxiety:

1. Financial Security: "Having six months of your expenses in the bank is a major game changer." [32:36]
2. Reflective Practice: Encourage David to analyze past experiences to understand and separate personal worth from external events.
3. Mindfulness and Documentation: Keep track of anxiety triggers and distinguish between frequent anxiety and sporadic instances.
4. Open Communication with Supervisors: Foster a transparent relationship with current employers to mitigate unfounded fears.
5. Emotional Release: Suggest writing letters to ex-bosses as a therapeutic exercise to release lingering anger and move forward.

• Dr. John DeLoney: "Dude, you are not crazy. You're right to feel that you're not crazy." [31:26]

V. Conclusion and Key Insights

Throughout the episode, Dr. John DeLoney emphasizes the importance of open communication, self-awareness, and proactive strategies in navigating personal and familial challenges. Whether it’s ensuring the safety and emotional well-being of children in summer camps, reconnecting with adult children, or overcoming the psychological hurdles of job loss, Dr. John provides compassionate and actionable advice tailored to each caller's unique situation.

Notable Insights:

• Balancing Safety and Growth: Parents can protect their children’s innocence while allowing them to experience independence and resilience.
• Vulnerability in Relationships: Expressing genuine emotions can foster deeper connections with loved ones.
• Managing Anxiety Post-Job Loss: Building financial security and maintaining open lines of communication are crucial for emotional stability.

By addressing real-life issues with empathy and practical solutions, Dr. John DeLoney’s episode offers valuable guidance for listeners seeking to improve their mental and emotional well-being and strengthen their relationships.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Rachel: "We love that they're unplugged and in nature. I'd rather him break an arm than be stuck inside on a computer all day." [03:16]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "The vast majority of kids who go to summer camp do not get abused." [02:44]
• Bonnie: "It just feels like I'm so far removed from their lives." [15:53]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Bonnie, you are their mom. Why do you feel like a burden?" [16:07]
• David: "It was total shock to me too." [30:26]
• Dr. John DeLoney: "Losing your job can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one." [31:26]

---

This detailed summary encapsulates the key discussions, insights, and advice shared during the episode, providing a comprehensive overview for those who have not listened to the full podcast.

Transcript

[Rachel]

My husband and I loved summer camp. Live for summer camp. But in recent years, we've heard of cases of abuse happening while at camp. So I want to protect my kids innocence and not make them fearful. But it's also a real concern.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, I'm gonna be mean here. Is that okay? We're friends, right? We're best friends.

[Rachel]

Go for it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What up, what up? What up? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney's show. Taking your calls from all over the planet, from real people going through really tough stuff, mental and emotional health, your kids, your summer plans, your fall plans, your marriages, whatever you got going on. My promise is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. I've been sitting with hurting people for more than two decades now, and it's a high honor to sit down and say, all right, what's going on? And let's, let's figure out what's the next, next thing you can do to shed some light on a new path. If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/ask. Let's roll out to Memphis, Tennessee and talk to Rachel. What's up, Rachel?

[Rachel]

Hi.

[Bonnie]

I'm so excited to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm excited to talk to you. What's up?

[Rachel]

Okay, so my question is, I fully agree. We know your stance on sleepovers for kids, and my husband and I are totally on board with that. We fully agree. But we also like listening to Cissy Goff and David Thomas, who are big proponents for summer camp.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is my go to person.

[Bonnie]

I love.

[Rachel]

I've read all their books, listen to their podcast. So, yes, both of my kids will.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Go to summer camp this summer.

[Bonnie]

They will.

[Rachel]

Okay. Okay. So we, my husband and I loved summer camp. Live for summer camp. But in recent years, we've heard of cases of abuse happening while at camp. So how would you approach that? I want to, you know, protect my kids innocence and not make them fearful. But it's also a real, A real concern.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, so I would dig in, I guess. Man, I'm going to be mean here. Is that okay? We're friends, right? We're best friends. There's cases of abuse at every possible situation ever. Cases of abuse of kids in grocery stores, at church, at ball field. I mean, everywhere.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in the media ecosystem with which we live, those sensational reports are, are the way that they get clicks from terrified parents who love their kids.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it's overrepresented.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me say it this way. The vast majority, majority of kids who go to Summer's camp do not get abused. The vast, vast, vast majority, they may get diarrhea because they eat nothing but Mountain Dew and Skittles for seven days, and they may get poison ivy and they may break a finger. All those things, I think are actually good.

[Rachel]

Yes. Agree. We totally agree. We love that they're unplugged and in nature. And I think you've said it before. I'd rather him break an arm than be stuck inside on a computer all day, every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's a couple things I would do. And by the way, just to make you feel better, my 15 year old's taking a, like, flying somewhere by himself. Like, like, it comes quick. And yes, I've. I don't have any reservations. When he was 6, sending him to the first camp I did. Right. My daughter's.

[Rachel]

My one will be eight, so my daughter's nine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's going to her first camp, like, being away for a week, I. I don't think it's a good idea. I think she has to go.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

For various reasons. Okay. This is an important thing, and I have to recognize I'm the one with the challenges, and I'm also the one tasked with ultimately keeping her as safe as long as I can.

[Rachel]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So two things I tell my kids since the day they were born. My number one job is to keep you safe. And no matter how many times I say that they're gonna get hurt.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so I have to make peace with both sides of that. And so I'm gonna do my due diligence to. Do I know and trust the camp director?

[Rachel]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do I go through the. The safety protocols? Like, are these. Are these kids. Who are the camp counselors? Are they trained? Do they have supervision? Like, how does that work? Is there another adult staying in the room? That kind of stuff. Okay. And do I trust that person? The. The next one is the thing that you can do, literally do the most about, which is teaching your kids about inappropriate touch and good touch and who has permission to see you without your bathing suit on and those kind of things.

[Rachel]

Yes. We have all those conversations, and I guess my hang up is you don't ever want to know if your kid will do the right thing in the moment or, you know, seek help or you don't want to test that out. So how can you be confident that you can't? Okay.

[David]

You can't.

[Rachel]

I knew you were gonna say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I mean, you can't be confident of that. Yeah, you can do the best you can and let your kid feel known and loved and that there's no such thing as a conversation we don't have. And also know that there's the occasional scary person in the world.

[Rachel]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it sounds like, if I'm being honest, it sounds like you need your kid to go to camp as much as your kid needs to go to camp.

[Rachel]

I would agree with that. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want you to get some strategies for you to exhale through your anxiousness while they're gone.

[Rachel]

Okay. So what would those be?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everybody's different. You might have a friend that. That you know that your buddies with that's going to be at this camp all week and might say, hey, just for my own sanity, will you shoot me a text every morning? And that might be. Your kid never has to know. But that's happening. But it might just be a way for you to slowly get off the sauce, too.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or drive up and spend Wednesday night at run campfire and then come back, depending on where the camp is. That kind of. That. That won't be. That's not. That's not a violation or anything like that.

[Rachel]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But having some sort of check in and having your kid write you, like, send them with postcards.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

With three stamps on them and say, write these and then give them, like, write me a letter. Miss you.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you're. What you're doing is always remembering. Like, you can. You can talk to me. You can talk to me. You can talk to me.

[Rachel]

I see. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And prepare for him to come.

[Rachel]

For him. I know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And prepare for him to come home. If you think back to your camp experience, you probably did stupid stuff too, right?

[Rachel]

Oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Some of that is part of who you've become. And so I want my kids to do stupid stuff. Not all the stupid things. Right. But I want them to go have some. I don't know, I want them to just get off the rails a little bit.

[Rachel]

Right? Exactly. Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So for whatever it's worth, whatever it's worth, I.

[Rachel]

My kids are going, okay, great. That's. That gives me the answer. I need the confidence and gets me excited to send him off to, you know, gain some confidence of his own.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's. Here's what I always want parents to hold in. In the back of their mind, do I feel like if and when something happens, okay, somebody breaks their heart, they get somebody pregnant, they drink too much the first time and they're underage, they fall and break their arm or like, will I be able to exhale as I'm helping solve this problem, knowing I had the conversations that needed to be had.

[Rachel]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Training is dramatic, but my. I gave. I originally gave a path forward. What I've sat with parents over and over is they were too scared to have conversation X, Y, and Z, and now they're gonna have a new grandbaby.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or they didn't. They didn't know how to talk about pornography. And other kids got a real problem. We just. We just thought if we put the alcohol up and never mentioned it, it would be okay. And other kids in rehab and so I always want to know. Their kid may still go to rehab, but I want parents to know I sat down and had every conversation.

[Rachel]

Okay. Yeah. None of these conversations were ever had growing up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. And all of us, like, honestly, it's. It's mostly the wild west for parents right now. That's why. I mean, that's one of the reasons I do the show, because I think most people want to be married. Right. They want to be married. Well, they want to be good parents. And they don't have a picture of what that looks like because they didn't get that growing up.

[Rachel]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your parents, by the way, might have. Do you have a relationship with your mom and dad?

[Rachel]

That's another.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's another phone call.

[Rachel]

Yes. Half and half. One I do. One I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They might have. Or at least one of them might have been super nervous when you went to camp also. You just didn't know.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And back then, they weren't allowed to say it out loud.

[Rachel]

Right? Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They didn't even know they could say it out loud. They didn't even know what they were feeling. Inside was fear over the. Right. Whatever. So, yeah, go to summer camp, have a good time, and don't be flippant about it. And check in with the leadership. And if you don't feel good about it, doesn't feel safe if they're like, I don't know, we just. Like, some church just drops off a bunch of teenagers and we just let them. Like, I wouldn't do that. And I'd have some different conversations about training and safety and yada, yada, yada. But I. I would do that anywhere. So good call, Rachel. You're a good mom, and your little one's lucky to have you. And sounds like it's adventure time. All right. And we come back, a woman wonders how to ask her sons for something other than yet another gift card. We'll Be right back. It's time for a word about the greatest mattresses in the world. Here, Helix. Summer is here. The sun's up earlier, school's out, so the kids are bouncing off the walls. And if you're like me, your daily routine has exploded. And when that happens, what's the first thing that tanks? Sleep. So I'm going to be real with you. When I'm not sleeping well, I'm short with my wife, I'm grumpy with my kids, and everything feels a little bit harder than it should. Sleep is not just about closing your eyes and resting. It's about showing up the next day as the kind of person you want to be and the kind of person your family needs you to. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. Before Helix, I tried all kinds of mattresses. They were too soft, too stiff, and they had memory foam that felt like quicksand. Whatever. You name it, I've tried it. But Helix matched me with the perfect mattress based on how I sleep and who I sleep next to. My wife. Yes. They've even got options for couples who need different feels on the same bed. It's amazing. Take the Helix sleep quiz. It takes, like, two minutes. And they'll match you with the right mattress just for you. Plus, right now, my audience gets extended access to their 4th of July sale for 27% off site wide. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney and get 27% off. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, it's time for a quick word about Delete Me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right back to us? Right now, scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they try to trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. And you get an email or a text or a phone call, and the person or the AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to help you out and look out for you, but they're not. With the new technological advancements, no one is really safe. So what is any of us to do? First, you can start by controlling what you can learn about how to be careful online and offline and sign up with Delete Me. I use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. That way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data. They've reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, the harassment and the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. Or with Delete me, go to join deleteme.com DeLoney today for 20% off the annual plan that comes out to less than nine bucks a month. That's join delete me.com DeLoney all right, Huntsville, Alabama. Let's talk to Bonnie. What's up, Bonnie?

[Bonnie]

Hi, Dr. John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you say, lady? How we doing?

[Bonnie]

We are doing great. It's a gorgeous day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fantastic. What's up? How can I help you? You sound delightful.

[Bonnie]

So I wrote in when I received an email from a local spa indicating that I had been gifted a massage. Problem is, I don't enjoy massages yet. This has kind of become the go to gift that I received from my adult son. So my question is, can I say I'd like something else, Enough with the massages. Or do I just need to accept it graciously and stop being a jerk?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, miss Bonnie, there is, there is levels underneath all of this. What is it? What's the real question you're asking?

[Bonnie]

So the bigger question is, do I accept the time and attention that I'm given by my adult children or is it okay to ask for more? Because my philosophy so far is just to take what they give and build my life and be okay with it. But it makes me sad sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but the only reason you would land there is that at some point you did not have their attention or care.

[Bonnie]

Well, I mean, I think consistently I'll send a group text. Easter lunch is at 1 o' clock at your Aunt Marie's. Nothing I get literally like. And I don't expect them to immediately respond or. But you can't give me a thumbs up within a 24 hour period.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do they show up to the lunch?

[Bonnie]

Less than half. We had a. Fewer than half of my of mine came to the lunch. But it's even bigger things. I had, one of my sons is in the military and he was seeing a young lady on the base. They decided to get married. It was just going to be a courthouse wedding, but he brought her home and I, you know, we did a nice lunch and about six weeks before the wedding I called him and just made sure that that was the right date because I was about to book my room and he said, oh, mom, we broke up last month. I mean, it's like you can't call me and tell me. It just feels like I'm so far removed from their lives.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There it is. That's the. That's the question.

[Bonnie]

I just. I don't know. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to push.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bonnie, you are their mom. Why do you feel like a burden?

[Bonnie]

Well, if it's a burden to have to respond to texts and if it's a. I mean, with going back to the massage. I've said in multiple conversations, you know, that's not. Just not really my thing. I find them awkward, and yet I still continue to get them, which makes me think, okay, they just don't really care if I like what they. They're just checking off a box. And so I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That. Don't. Don't blow by that. Let's sit in there for a second. Are you married?

[Bonnie]

So I am married. Their father died in 2017, so I am married, but not to their father.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Has things changed since you got married?

[Bonnie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have you ever had that next conversation?

[Bonnie]

So I have asked each if they liked my husband, and consistently the answer is, oh, yeah, he's fine. We just don't know him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that's not the question. That's. That's an easy question. That's an over there question. Okay, what are they going to tell their mom? No, we hate them. And what are they going to say? You raised. You raised Alabama boys. They're going to say, yes, ma'. Am. He's. He's kind. We just don't know him. We just don't know him. Is Southern for, I don't want that dude around me. I don't like that guy. I don't know, like. You know what I mean? That's. I mean, there's a lot in. In those little Southern. I just don't know him.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The bigger question here is I miss my boys.

[Rachel]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want to know what's going on in your lives. Is there something I've done that's made it hard for y' all to be around? Because it would really would be. It would honor me if you told me. What are you talking about? Mom, we don't. We think you're a great. Okay. But it would mean the world to me if you would just respond to my text with a thumbs up.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, by the way, I have. I can't. I could not even guess how many unread messages I have. And I leave them unread for one reason. So that I don't Forget them. Because I get so many text messages in a day.

[Bonnie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it may be they don't want to clutter up a group text or they got it and they forget or they weren't going to go anyway. But the group text isn't the. Who knows? But there's that next step that says, all right, we're in a different tier. I recognized I brought a new man into this relationship. Our relationship. That's not. Dad. I get all that. I miss my boys.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess what I would ask you to do is for the last. What is it, 2017? Celeste? Eight years, right? Nine years. There's been a increasingly faster tornado inside your chest that's spinning faster and faster and faster. And because you keep putting things out there that you think are real clear signals, hoping they get them and they run right over them or they blow by them, the story that you've told yourself is, somehow they don't like your new husband. Somehow there's something wrong with you. And when you put something out without being super clear, it just confirms what you already believe about yourself. That I'm a burden to these boys.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I would not continue to live like that for your sake. And for their sake, I would choose to enter into some sort of. Hey. I want to just talk with each one of you.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We do they live in your same community or town or they live all.

[Bonnie]

Scattered across the country, so they live an hour and a half away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. That's close enough to go have breakfast with Mom. I'm gonna. I'm gonna drive up on a Saturday or a Sunday and just. I miss my boys.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And to sit down with them and say, hey, like. And how old are you?

[Bonnie]

I'm 57.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Even if you said this, even if you said, I'm. I'm in the back half of the third quarter. I'm staring at the fourth quarter of my life. I would love to know how I can love you guys best because I miss my boys. Even if you just. As the parent took all of it, how can I best love you guys?

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And eventually it will come up. Hey, here's some ways you can love me. No more stupid massages. I don't want some creepy person's hands all over my body. Ew. Right? But there's. But there's a way that. Listen. So in. In. In. In therapy, there's. We call it the one up and the one down position. Okay. The oneup position is typically. Not always, but it's typically male. And it's very Much. My house. I get what I want. Like, right. Very much that. Just loud and aggressive. I'm. Get my way.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's also the one down position, which is typically. Not always, but typically has a very feminine energy to it, which is. Oh, okay. Well, you guys just go. Y' all go to dinner, and I'll just. Y' all know I don't like that place, but that's okay. I'll just eat the. The Dairy Queen napkins in the glove box. I'll be fine. Right? And that's how you're. That's how you're entering into this. If you say in a, like, just get. Don't get under the boat. Don't try to get on top. Just get. Sit in the seat on the boat and be like, hey, I'm your mom. I don't want some other creeper's hands all over me. Oh, they will get that image in their mind, and they'll laugh and then also say, I realize that y' all have so much going on and thinking about old mom's present, it's just like. But it really makes a difference to me.

[Bonnie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then when you do that, you're being what they call vulnerable because they might say, you got it, Mom. And they might forget next year.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They might forget. And that's scary to think. And as a son, I forget. I don't want to, but I do. Yeah, I do.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I love my mom to death. I love my sister to death. I love my brother death. And I forget. Does it make it right? Does it make it good? It kind of bums me out that I'm that way. But also, I would love it if she doesn't listen to the show. But if my mom was to say, hey, this is what I want, and it matters to me that you. Most moms go, it's fine. It's okay. Even when it's not.

[Bonnie]

Yeah. Yeah. And I think I've been. I think that's kind of the. I think that's the position I have taken.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Let's be right in the middle of it. These are your boys, okay? And whether they want to believe it or not, they need their mom.

[Bonnie]

I, I, I hope. I think you're right. I hope you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen to me. I know I'm right. I know I'm right. They may not. They may tell you, all right, mom, then. Then here's the deal. Also, we don't want your vote when it comes to us ordering a margarita at dinner or on our pants being Too what? Like, who knows? And only you will know if that's how you. You know, if that's how you are. But you're a good Alabama mom. You're supposed to comment on everything. That's just part of. That's just part of the deal.

[Bonnie]

I. I don't think I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I'm just messing with you. I'm messing with you.

[Bonnie]

But. But I do think that I might have a bit of a martyr mentality.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh my gosh. You just said it. I wasn't gonna go there, but you said it. Hey, listen, if you lead with that, oh my gosh, that'd be amazing. Boys. I'm such a drama queen. And I'm sorry, but I miss my boys. And I want to know. I'm. I'm getting on the back half.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I realized I brought some other guy into the picture and made it weird. But it is what it is. I love him. He's my husband. But how can I love you guys in this back half?

[Bonnie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to be around my grandkids. I want to see. I want to know your lies. And you can point, point at one of your sons and say, you dummy, you got. You broke up right before you're married. Like, call your mom.

[Bonnie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're allowed to say that.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he needs to be a grownup and say, mom, it's not good for me to do that because you go scorched earth or you ask a thousand questions or like, let's have that honest conversation.

[Rachel]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because, man, you, you. Gosh, if I could, If I could snap my fingers and wish anything for anybody, it's that parents and kids, especially adult kids, could just reimagine their relationships. Right now, I think people, I personally think people are drowning because they're cut off from their family's origin for a thousand different reasons.

[Rachel]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes it's just like this. It's just this weird distance that happens and nobody knows how to get back. And so they send a massage because they think that would be nice for them. And you're like, I hate this. And nobody knows how to say it. And then just takes one person to get in a car and say, uhuh, we're going to breakfast. You're my boys and I love you. We got half. I got half a life to go still.

[Bonnie]

And I do it individually, not as a group.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you, I mean, you could do it as a group. It depends on how homogeneous they are. Me and my brother and my Sister are so different that that would be awkward.

[Rachel]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And one of us would just dominate the whole thing. But individual. But, you know, your boy, they may all be just awesome together. Ride or dies. And that you could do it all at one time.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that might keep you. If you did it all at once, that might keep you from. From them. From their text thread about you on this off to the side. Right.

[Bonnie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which, by the way, every sibling group has that, so just. It is what it is. Yeah, but just letting them know, I love you boys so much and I miss you.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then just hold a tiny little space in the southeast corner of your heart for them to say, mom, we're just too busy. Yeah, I don't think they will. But I would rather, you know that and grieve that than every day keep ginning up that story that there's something wrong with you and you're unlovable. And what if I try this? What if I try this? I'd rather you just head right into the scariest conversation and have it.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And God almighty, if you can cure yourself of martyr syndrome, please write that book. It'll sell a billion copies. Billion.

[Bonnie]

Well, I haven't in 57 years, so it's not looking good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. Just day one. Day one. Hey. You've made my whole day. Bonnie. Thank you so much for calling me. I'm really, really grateful for you. And by the way, if moms and dads across the country will reach out and by the by the way, about the. By the way, if moms and dads will across the country will reach out to their. Their aging or adult kids and have this conversation and be willing to hear feedback without snapping or trying to cover it up or. And just saying words. I'm sorry. Or you're right. Or I did. There was more context to that. But here's the deal. You're right. If we could just say, I'm sorry and I forgive you, and will you forgive me? And how can I love you? My goodness. We're talking about a culture that has absolutely been revolutionized. We come back, we talk to a man who wonders how to move on after getting fired from his job. Hey, it's Deloney for organifi. I talk to people every day who are stressed out. They're anxious, they're not sleeping well, they're disconnected, and they're grumpy. Most of them are trying to fix all of their challenges with comfort food or caffeine or scented candles. Can we all just agree that none of that Stuff is probably working. That's where organifi comes in. Organifi superfood products are made to help you feel better with more energy, less stress, and helps you get better sleep by giving your body what it needs without all of the artificial nonsense. Here's a good example. I love organifi's happy drops. They're little gummies made with all natural ingredients like saffron that have positive effects on mood and emotional well being. In fact, there are clinical studies showing that people who take saffron have improved social relationships. And there's other studies that show saffron can help lift your mood. Listen, I can talk about ingredients and clinical studies and all of that, but here's the best endorsement of organifi that I can give. I use organifi every single day. I have family members who take organifi. I travel with it, I take it at home. And I want you to give organifi a try too. Go to Organifi.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to save 20%. That's 20% off your entire order with code [e-mail] SL DeLoney. All right, let's go out to Omaha somewhere. Let's talk to David. What's up, David?

[David]

Hey, how are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, man? I'm doing great. How about you?

[David]

I'm hanging in there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[David]

Well, one thing I called in is about a. A year ago I got let go for my job and I still have a lot of anxiety and fear after losing that. Never had that happen before. Feel like I was performing well and everybody was surprised that I was getting let go where I was at. It was total shock to me too. And so still don't know how to move on from that. And I tried to work through it, but still hits me every other day. Yeah, or every day.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did you ever get a reason why?

[David]

They said it was a restructure reorg, but it was. Felt pretty personal. A lot of other people, my position or level got let go as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So it wasn't personal. It wasn't personal. It was a whole band of.

[David]

It felt like it was for me specifically, but I don't have proof on that. And that's a. That's kind of something I'm trying to get over because it. I did not have a good relationship with that boss at the time. He was fairly new.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, okay. What have you done in the last year?

[David]

So I relocated to. Or I'm looking relocated to a different area. Trying to start well, we paid off all of our debt. Relocated. Relocated to a new area and trying to get money saved to buy a house and start our family, which is. That's a good part. But it's just in my current job, where I got a new job, I'm trying to work through that still because I see every little thing like if I do something wrong, I'm going to get fired.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I think I. Here's the deal. I think. I think you're right to feel that you're not crazy. You're not crazy.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's one of the reasons why I'm so adamant about people doing whatever they can even dry cr. Drive crummy cars, even live in smaller houses, rent, if you got. I'm so adamant about people not owing other people money. Yeah. Because getting fired has two things. One, the research says losing your job can. Is as psychologically devastating. Can be as psychologically devastating as losing a loved one. And so hear me say, you're not crazy, man. And you're supposed to be anxious about that. If you lost a good friend in a car wreck and you were in that car, you'd be nervous to get in cars and drive for a while. It's just part of it. And so you're right to have your antenna up at your new job. You don't know anybody there. You're in a new area. You've just been. I mean, you're a year out from just getting the rug pulled out from under you. You're right to be nervous. Okay. You're not crazy. I want to solve. I want to go at this or solve this, if you will, in a couple of ways. The first way is as y' all are working on it, I want to build in margins. So if and. Or when this happens again, it's annoying. It's not devastating.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so having six months of your expenses in a checking account somewhere or a high yield savings account, it just lets you walk a little bit more firm. This boss doesn't get to dictate your life because you. You can just say like, bye, dude, and then you only have to deal with the emotional part.

[David]

Now that's going to be a big stress relief. I think by, I think, September, I'm working with my wife. August, September, we'll have the six months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm telling you right now, that's a major. Most people don't understand what a game changer. That is an absolute stone game changer. That's number one. Number two, is there an old employee there or somebody that could fill you in on some stories or et cetera. Because I do think there's something important about being reflective.

[David]

Yeah, I. I talked to the old employees still. The guy who actually let me go and a lot of other people who've been there for a long time, he got walked out of the building about three months after I got walked out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's usually how that goes. Have you.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you ever. I guess you don't have any interest in going back.

[David]

No, I re. I relocated, and I'm actually. There was a couple, I call them God winks that I got from that I probably wasn't, I don't know, supposed to be there. I'm in a job that's actually a lot better now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, fantast. Fantastic.

[David]

And so just still trying to fit in there, but just relocated to, I think, a better area, too. And so it's a God wink, but it's just still an uneasy feeling because I'm not used to. I see that as a failure. Not used to feeling like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So if you had tried to run a big project, and you're an architect, and you built a building and it fell over, and the engineers, everybody did exactly what they were supposed to do, but your design collapsed under its own weight, I would call that a failure. If you were a closer in game seven of the World Series, and you. Some guy hit a home run off of you, then you failed in that mission. Here it sounds like you were a part of a situation where somebody hired a bad leader, and that leader just started mowing people down. And so quickly thereafter, that leader got walked out of the building. And so I think the fear is less that I'm a failure and more, oh, this what the world is this shaky. And most of us walk around thinking the world is way more certain than it actually is. And so it's reorienting to, oh, man. Like, you can be working really good and producing for your company, and you get the wrong leader, and they'll just cut you, even if that leader gets fired a few months later because the company's like, whoa, what are you doing? You're getting rid of all of our good people. And so there's something about distancing yourself from the character part of it. And I always want people. I always want to be reflective. Is there something I can do differently next time? One of the most important conversations I ever had was I really wanted a job at the place that I was working, and it was the. An executive role. And at the time, the president was a friend of mine. And he said, you're too volatile, colony. Like, you are a quick mind and you're a great leader over here and you take care of all these emergencies across campus. Like it's, you're amazing. What you're at your job, but to come up to this next level, you're too volatile. And I really had to do some soul searching there. I was mad at, my feelings hurt and he was right. So I worked really hard to be more still less anxious all the time. So ask and see if there's anything to be reflective on. And then I guess the last thing I would tell you is start keeping track of every time you get nervous. Okay.

[Rachel]

Okay.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to write it down. Okay. Okay. And here's why I'm doing this. You might feel nervous two or three times in a day, but at the end of the day when you reflect on your day, it might feel like I was nervous all day.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And actually it was just a few times when somebody said, hey, I need to talk to you real quick. And your heart was like, ah, this is it. I'm out. I'm out. I'm getting fired. I want you to write that down.

[David]

Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

906. And can I just be honest? Honest, honest with you? I've never been fired from a job. I've seen the writing on the wall at one or two places, but I've never been fired. Okay.

[David]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

To this day when I get an email that says, hey, let's come meet up. I need to see you at 4:30. Dude, my heart is off to the races. I got an emergency fund. Like I got a house that I don't have a mortgage on. Like I, I, I've taken care of my long tails. And I still, I'm like, oh no, here it is, here it is, here it is. Right? Yeah. And I go have the meeting. It's always something funny or silly or even if it's serious. And then I go to the car and I exhale and say, thank you for trying to take care of me body. I'm. Okay.

[David]

That'S a good point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's what I don't want you to do. When, when I, after a year of being anxious over time, you start going to war with your body.

[David]

I don't want to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't do that. Just exhale and say, dude, thank you for trying to take care of me. I'm good. I got six months of cash in the bank. We're in a new town. This is a good company. They're good people. And if you get nervous, go ask your boss. Tell your boss, hey, I got canned and that guy got fired. I might just check in with you. Is that cool?

[David]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have that kind of relationship with your supervisor?

[David]

Yeah, I do. He's a lot better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, if you could do that, just be like, hey, I'm gonna check in every once in a while. This is, this is my drama queen. Real quick. I bet your boss will be like, that's fantastic. Like, I love that kind of relationship with, with one of my leaders. That makes sense.

[David]

That makes total sense. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you want to be a super gangster, write your boss, your ex boss, the one that fired you, write him a letter. Don't mail it, but write him a letter and tell him how mad you are and tell him how you altered his life, how he altered your life, I mean, and then tell him, and by the way, it has all worked out better than any of us could have imagined. End the letter with you no longer get to live rent free in my chest. Bye. I wish you well. And there's something about that exercise of letting that anger and rage onto that paper, followed by I'm moving on and things are better than I could have imagined. And ending it with, what am I going to do now? You no longer get a vote in my life. You had your vote.

[David]

Good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, that sounds cool.

[David]

That sounds good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[David]

I tried to do that, have a funeral for my job and everything. And then I just, I couldn't let it go. Still.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[David]

I think it's just, I don't want to have that cortisol pumping all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[David]

I just want to get. I'll try. I'll work on this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, and, and there can be silly things like making sure you sleep, making sure you eat, making sure you're out moving around and going for walks and things like that. I mean, all that stuff's important. And sometimes that when you get anxious, you might find yourself scrolling a lot more, staying up later watching a movie and then another movie or playing video games, whatever your drug of choice is having a drink and then another drink. And so it's always good, brother. Always good to step all the way back and look at your life. Hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. It's the. My number one best selling book. I'm going to send it to you for free and I want you to just use it as a road map. Having A funeral is awesome, but you also have to deal with the executioner and writing that ex boss a letter and just saying you're out like you did your worst. You, you messed up the year of my life. We moved and whatever and it has worked out incredibly well and today is the last day you get to be in my life. And then just start writing down when you have those attacks. Ah, feeling like it's all coming down. It's not. And then hey boss, my last job was real janky, the leadership. And so I'm going to come in and just touch base with you every once in a while because I'm a little bit paranoid and hopefully your boss is a great person of integrity and he'll smile or she'll smile and say of course anytime you check in, I want you to feel safe here because we're glad you're here. Thanks for call brother. Be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for major traumas, but it's also a valuable tool for anyone looking to just improve their mental and emotional well being or their relationships. I see a therapist for both the big challenges from my past as well as for helping me navigate the day to day challenges that just pop up. Many of you should consider seeing a therapist too. And if you're thinking about trying therapy, contact my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with just the right therapist for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with the licensed therapist and if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Kelly 2.0. Something cool happened. What is it?

[Rachel]

Adrian from Tampa, Florida. She wrote in and said, my husband and I are big fans of your show and had the pleasure of meeting you last year when we visited Ramsey headquarters. Listening to your advice has truly helped us improve our communication. After 21 years of marriage, we're learning to be more open and honest about our needs and have started asking each other, how can I love you today? My husband recently mentioned wanting the questions for humans cards for couples, and it was a fun surprise to tell him that I had already bought them. Your show has been such a blessing to us, so thank you to you and the team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. I love hearing that. When people listen to the show and they slowly implement some things into their life, it's fantastic. And good work to you all. In our gang on the team. Not you, long here, country boy. I'll even let you have a king you're into. Thanks you guys, man, because y' all don't get to go on the road. I was on the road for the last, like, three or four weeks, just hammering it, man. I tell you what, getting to see people in airports and gas stations. I mean, 1am walking off, off, off, off Times Square in New York, and a couple stops me at 1:00am I mean, the what yalls work y' all are doing is making a huge difference out there. It's awesome. Pretty cool, man. And for everybody listening, thank you all so, so much. Don't forget to share and, like and subscribe and thumbs up and I don't know, just tell the AI overlords I like this show. I don't know how to work that. Tell your car. It'll probably sign up for you, too, but hit those buttons makes a huge difference. Love you all. Bye.