My Son’s Wife Wants a Secret DNA Test

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Son’s Wife Wants a Secret DNA Test
Date: September 17, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony helps callers navigate four emotionally charged family and relationship dilemmas: a mother suspecting her son's wife might be hiding the child’s true paternity and using drugs while pregnant, a fiancé struggling to support his partner amid her family’s religious rejection, and a newlywed wife seeking help with intrusive in-laws obsessed with their finances. Dr. Delony addresses tough personal decisions, boundaries, and mental health, focusing on when and how to intervene versus when to step back.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Caller 1: The Secret DNA Test & In-Law Substance Use

[00:05 – 17:00]

Situation Summary

• A mother learns her daughter-in-law plans to get a secret DNA test for the child she is carrying, raising doubts about paternity.
• She witnesses potential drug use (marijuana and vaping) around and possibly by the pregnant daughter-in-law at a family gathering.
• The mother struggles between staying silent or confronting her son, unsure about the current state of their relationship as he has grown distant.

Delony’s Key Advice & Insights

• Affirmation & Validation: Praises the caller for choosing to focus on being a good grandmother despite this not being how she “would have drawn this up.”

  “I just want to give you a big hug… you immediately went to, ‘how can I be the best grandmother I can be?’ Good for freaking you.” — Dr. John Delony [02:01]

• Reality Check: Points out the son’s secrecy about major life events as a sign the relationship isn’t as close as she might wish.

  “If behavior is a language, he is telling you, mom, I don’t want you involved in my life.” — Dr. John Delony [08:18]

• Moral Imperative & Boundaries: Advises her to speak up, both about the paternity question and the observed drug use, for the sake of the unborn child’s well-being, even if it risks the relationship.

  “If I know this baby is in harm’s way, I am going to sound the alarm…I’m willing to blow up this relationship for the sake of a human.” — Dr. John Delony [11:08]

• Letting Go of Illusions: Tells the mother that the existing relationship may already be fractured—doing the right thing might actually bring peace.

  “The relationship you think exists already doesn’t. So it almost makes this easier.” — Dr. John Delony [11:34]

• Action Recommendation: Direct, honest conversation with her son is needed; at minimum, he deserves to know the information she has.

Notable Quotes

• “You’re the mom. I would take full ownership of…saying the things that need to be said, because I’m your mother and I love you.” — Dr. John Delony [10:10]
• “I loved my son enough to say the hard thing.” — Dr. John Delony [15:22]

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2. Caller 2: Supporting a Fiancée Facing Religious Family Rejection

[18:34 – 32:27]

Situation Summary

• A man’s fiancée has left the Mormon church, converted to Catholicism, and is being criticized and excluded by her family, including being left out of family group chats.
• The fiancé wonders if he should intervene and call out her family or simply support his partner emotionally.

Delony’s Key Advice & Insights

• Stay Out of the Fray: Advises the fiancé not to confront her family, as this would make him “the villain” in their eyes and signal to his partner she’s not capable of handling her own problems.

  “You walking alongside her and saying, I hear that…that stinks…that breaks my heart for you…That’s the best you can do.” — Dr. John Delony [21:15]

• Set Healthy Support Boundaries: The best support is validating her experience and being a stable, loving presence. He should ask her how she wants to be supported.
• Self-Reflection: Encourages the caller to examine why he’s compelled to “solve” her problems, and to focus that energy on building a healthy marriage.
• Preparation for Lifelong Dynamic: Recognizes that marrying into a family often means navigating ongoing tensions, particularly when religious differences are involved.

  “You don’t just marry your partner, you marry their family. That is true.” — Dr. John Delony [22:02]

Notable Quotes

• “If you go in swinging right now…It’s just going to…set fire to your villain status.” — Dr. John Delony [23:53]
• “Continuing to support her and, more importantly, continuing to ask her, how can I love you right now? How can I love you today?” — Dr. John Delony [29:38]

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3. Caller 3: Newlywed Dealing with In-Law Financial Intrusiveness

[32:47 – 46:00]

Situation Summary

• A woman is troubled by her in-laws’ constant, invasive questions about finances, and is worried these boundaries will be crossed in other areas as they start a family.
• Her husband struggles with setting boundaries, feeling that withholding information from his parents would make him a “bad son.”

Delony’s Key Advice & Insights

• Set Clear, Direct Boundaries: Empathizes with the discomfort but insists that vague avoidance or deflecting conversation is not setting a boundary—it’s avoidance.

  “That’s not setting a boundary. That’s avoidance.” — Dr. John Delony [39:57]

• Communicating the Real Issue: Advises wife to articulate to her husband it’s not just about money, but about how his parents’ questions make her feel disrespected and less than.
• Script for Boundaries: Offers language for the husband:

  “Dad, I’m not going to get into personal numbers anymore. I got to keep some of that stuff private.” — Dr. John Delony [42:49]

• Anticipate Pushback: Setting boundaries usually meets resistance, especially if parents are used to having a “leash” through money and information.
• Building Their Own Family Identity: Affirms the couple’s right and need to make decisions as their own household, not as extensions of their parents’ family unit.

  “My parents do not get a vote in my marriage, period.” — Dr. John Delony [38:49]

Notable Quotes

• “If you try to own their response, you’re going to make yourself crazy, and you’re going to create a wedge in your marriage.” — Dr. John Delony [43:33]
• “He’s got to feel that tension and exhale and say, I can’t control their response.” — Dr. John Delony [43:51]

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4. Listener Q&A: Is It Emotional Abuse or Just Complaining?

[46:00 – End]

Situation Summary

• Dr. Delony answers a question from a marriage conference, discussing the line between emotional abuse and the normal complaining/nagging that happens in relationships.

Delony’s Key Advice & Insights

• Defining Abuse vs. Complaining:
  • Complaining is about a specific behavior (“You never clean up”), while
  • Abuse targets a person’s character or self-worth (“You disgust me,” “You’re a loser”).
• Litmus Test:

  “If you think, ‘I could never say this out loud because of the repercussions…’ then you need to go talk to somebody ASAP because you’re not safe.” [Around 48:30]

• Accountability vs. Control: Normal friction is healthy; controlling and humiliating patterns cross into abuse.

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Memorable Moments & Quotes

• On parental intervention:

  “As a parent, I want to know I looked my kid in the eye and said, I love you enough to shove you out of the way of a moving truck.” — Dr. John Delony [11:46]

• On being honest with tough truths:

  “You’re not going to be able to sleep at night until you let your truth be known.” — Dr. John Delony [13:10]

• On in-law boundaries:

  “My parents do not get a vote in my marriage, period…my wife and I get to decide how we spend our money, what jobs we take, where we live and how we raise our kids.” — Dr. John Delony [38:49]

• On supporting a spouse through family drama:

  “Continuing to support her and…to ask her, how can I love you right now?” — Dr. John Delony [29:38]

• On community responsibility:

  “Our whole culture is wound up in ‘you do you and I’ll do me’ and we’re dying from that sentiment…Interject when it’s time to keep your kids safe.” — Dr. John Delony [14:10]

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Timestamps for Critical Segments

• [00:05] – Mother describes daughter-in-law’s statement about secret DNA testing and marijuana use at the party
• [02:01] – Delony’s affirmation of the caller’s approach as a grandmother
• [08:18] – Analysis of the son’s distancing behavior
• [11:08] – Moral imperative to act if unborn child is at risk
• [18:34] – Fiancé’s dilemma: how to support partner tactfully facing family religious criticism
• [21:15] – Why direct intervention is a bad idea in family conflicts
• [32:47] – Newlywed wife’s concern about in-laws’ financial intrusion
• [39:57] – Difference between dodging and setting a boundary
• [42:49] – How to state financial boundaries with in-laws
• [46:00+] – Listener Q&A: Differentiating complaining versus emotional abuse

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show delves into the messiness of family, parenthood, in-law relationships, and marriage. The central message is about courage—having the hard conversations to protect those you love, even at the risk of conflict, and building clear, direct boundaries to create healthy, self-sufficient (and drama-resistant) relationships. The episode balances compassionate validation with actionable, tough-love advice.

Transcript

[Caller (Mother)]

My daughter in law was talking to her stepmom. Her response to the stepmom was, oh, I'm definitely getting a DNA test done. Uh, oh, and to add icing to the cake, which that's a big enough shocker, they were saying they weren't gonna leave the park yet. They were gonna go and smoke marijuana.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know what I'm saying is so hard to hear, and I'm sorry that I'm the guy saying it like this, but what is going on? What's going on? This is Jon with the doct John Deloney show, taking your calls from all over the planet on your mental and emotional health, your marriage, your relationships, whatever you got going on. I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. Hope you are doing well. And man, it's just an honor that you're here. It's an honor that you're here. Let's go out to Jacksonville, Florida and talk to Stephanie. What's up? Stephanie?

[Caller (Wife)]

Yes.

[Caller (Mother)]

Good morning. How are you?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Remarkable. How are you?

[Caller (Mother)]

I'm doing pretty good.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Awesome. You staying out of trouble?

[Caller (Mother)]

I'm sorry?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You staying out of trouble?

[Caller (Mother)]

Always.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, that's boring. That's good. Good for you. What's up?

[Caller (Mother)]

Yes, so I was calling because my son recently got married. Well, I say recently, but in January. I don't know how long he was in the relationship with this young lady, but I met her when I came by for Christmas. Didn't know they were living together or anything. And then a couple, maybe a week or so later, he lets me know that she's pregnant. And so, you know, I decided, okay, well, you know, this will be my first grandchild and all of that. I want to get to know her better, you know, because I want to spend time with the grandchild. So I invite them out for lunch.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, hold. Can I stop you right there? Can I just call. Call something real quick?

[Caller (Mother)]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

This is not how you would have drawn this up, right?

[Caller (Mother)]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller (Mother)]

Not at all.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Can I applaud you? Like, I just want. If you were here, I would just stop the conversation. And if you were cool that I just want to give you a big hug. Because all over the country I'm hearing parents, and especially older parents with kids who are adults blowing up everything, because this isn't how I would do it. This isn't my values. This isn't my. This isn't my. This isn't my. And completely missing out on the magic of grandkids, the magic of adult relationships. And I Could tell in the way you told that story. This is not how you would draw. This is not how you want to find out. A, oh, my son's got a long term girlfriend. Oh, oh, he's married. Oh, we're having a kid. That's not how you would have drawn that up. And you immediately went to, how can I be the best grandmother I can be? Good for freaking. You can I just applaud you? It's awesome.

[Caller (Mother)]

I appreciate it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I'm proud, man. That just, it makes my heart feel good that there's, there's moms and grandmas out there like you. All right, now, let it rip.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah, well, so, yeah, invited them to lunch and the response back was, oh, well, we're getting married on this date. It was in January, so like, oh, okay. So went to the wedding, all of that kind of thing. It was a small wedding out in the park and we had snow in Florida, so we were out there in the snow and everything. And so that was that, you know, everything was fine. And then they had the gender reveal party in April and that's where everything kind of fell apart. So went to the gender reveal party and everything. And, and after, you know, everything was kind of ending and everything. And so my son was loading up their car and putting, you know, packing up the car and everything. And so while my son was away, she was talking to my daughter in law, was talking to her stepmom. And I didn't catch what the stepmom asked her, but her response to the stepmom was, oh, I'm definitely getting a DNA test done. Yep, I'm getting a DNA test done. And I'm getting a DNA test done. And so I was just stunned. I was, you know, just kind of in shock. I didn't know what to do, you know, I didn't know how to respond. I just sat there frozen. And so my son came back and he sat down next to her and she seemed kind of shocked that he was there. And so she turned around and when she turned around, I'm staring her in her face, you know, and so I'm just like, you know, I didn't know what to do, but the stepmom kind of jumped in and she was, you know, kind of changes up a little bit. And she was like, oh, you know, and she was asking him, are you excited to have a daughter? You know, and so he was just.

[Caller (Wife)]

Kind of like, yeah.

[Caller (Mother)]

And I'm just sitting there and, you know, my son notices me that, you know, how I'm acting. I'm trying not to act any type of way, but I'm just in shock. So he comes over and he's asking me how I'm doing and, you know, that kind of thing. And I didn't know what to say, so I just said, I'm okay. Which I hadn't been feeling good that day, so I just, like, you know, I'm just not feeling good, and I think I'm. I'm going to leave. And so that's what I did, you know, start packing up the things that I brought to leave and everything. And. And to add icing to the cake, which. That's a big enough shocker. But they were smoking not just cigarettes. She wasn't smoking a cigarette, but her stepmom and stepdad were smoking cigarettes, you know, all around her, in front of her. She was a smoke. She was smoking a vape. And they were saying they weren't gonna leave the park yet. They were gonna go and smoke marijuana, all of them. And so just like this just can't, you know, it just can't get any worse, you know. And so I, you know, took my oldest son with me, and, you know, we got in the car and we just left, you know, and so pregnant.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Mom was going to smoke weed?

[Caller (Mother)]

Yes, mom, my son, the stepdad, the stepmom, her siblings, you know, and other people that were there, her friends and stuff, they were all going to go smoke weed. Just like, she's pregnant, you know, I feel like none of that should be happening around her, and definitely she shouldn't be doing it. You know, on top of everything, it's just, you know, and so I've asked advice of, you know, a couple people, and everybody is torn on, you know, one side or the other. You should have said something right then to your son, you know, or you should still say something to your son that'll be like, no, you leave it alone. You don't know what's going on.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You know, so you have.

[Caller (Mother)]

No.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You haven't sat down and talked to him?

[Caller (Mother)]

No, I haven't. And I can't get him, which I was. Because then initially I was. I want to get him by himself, but since they've been together, I cannot get him by himself. I've even asked because my mom, she's in a nursing home, and I asked him, but, you know, under the guise, you know, I wasn't feeling that great, can you go with me just in case something happens? And, you know, he didn't respond to that. You know, even when I come over and I'M I'm in the car. He comes out to the car, you know, she'll come following behind him, and she'll interrupt the conversation, you know, and start having a side conversation with him. So I can never spend time with him alone. But, you know, which, I mean, I guess that's a conversation I could say in front of both of them, but I just kind of want to know if he knows that there's a possibility he's not the biological dad. And if he knows that already, like, okay, are you stepping up to the plate? And, like, you know what? I'm in love with her, so I'm going to raise this child as my own, you know? Or does he not know at all? And, you know, that's what I want to know.

[Caller (Fiance)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So.

[Caller (Mother)]

Because. Go ahead.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, yeah, man, there's so much here, I guess I would want to. I want to back all the way out. And the fact that he had a living girlfriend, like a serious girlfriend that you didn't know about, the fact that he had a kid coming you didn't know about, the fact that he had a wedding on the calendar that you didn't know about, tells me that y' all did not have a close relationship for a while now. Right?

[Caller (Mother)]

So when he's in a relationship, he backs off.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I know, but what I'm saying. I know, but you might think you have a relationship, but if behavior is a language, he is telling you, mom, I don't want you involved in my life.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that's hard. I know it's hard to hear, but I just want to see, like, I want just to put it on the table. Like, here's the way he's acted over the course of the last year. Plus.

[Caller (Mother)]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so he's communicating in his own messed up son way. How old is he, by the way?

[Caller (Mother)]

28.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so he's old enough. He's not. Like, he's 22. Right. He's old enough.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

For whatever reason, he's backing all the way out. And then you hear this, and then you see this, right. You see very unsafe behavior for a. For a. Like a pregnant woman, for a baby in utero. Right. And I guess my question for you is. Let me put it this way. My wife, this morning, we have somebody staying with us. And my wife said, hey, we're going to the pancake pantry, which is this rad kind of hole in the wall, but it's like an institution here in Nashville. It's amazing breakfast place. And I said, hey, are y' all Going by yourselves or can I tag along? And she looked at me and she smiled and she goes, this one's not for you. This is just for us. And I was like, oh, man. But I totally respect my wife. I totally respect her friend who's in town. And that's not a weird thing for her to say. Yeah, we're just gonna, we want to go have a private breakfast. And so the fact that you can't say that to him, hey, I want to have some time just with my son, period.

[Caller (Mother)]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And kind of put him on, on, put him on the block and say like, are you gonna go have a breakfast with your mother or no. That tells you whether you have permission, which I don't think you do, permission to say what you need to say.

[Caller (Mother)]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I, I, I, here's what I tell you. You're the mom, I would take full ownership of. I'm the mom, which means I'm going to say the things that need to be said because I'm your mother and I love you whether you want to hear him or not. And then he gets to be a grown up 28 year old man and say, I don't want to talk to you, mom, or I'm going to hear this. That's part one. Part two is I think you have to tell your son what's up, period. And I'm going to go one step further and say, if my child, if, if I know of, if a stranger, but much less my potential future grandson, if I know this baby is in harm's way, I am going to, I'm going to sound the alarm, I'm going to ask the, I'm going to call somebody with a social service, I'm going to ask for blood test. If there's illegal drugs being ingested on this, on this mother, on this pregnancy. And it's, I'm willing to blow up this relationship for the sake of a human who's going to have to live with the ramifications forever. For a mom who didn't, who did not stop using drugs while my kid was in utero.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Especially if that's my potential grandson. I know this will cost you relationships and I would tell you on behalf of that unborn kid, that's worth that.

[Caller (Mother)]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if I'm being honest, the relationship you think exists already doesn't. So it almost makes this easier. And I know what I'm saying is so hard to hear, and I'm sorry that I'm the guy saying it like this, but I think you have A mom. Mother. A mother, son, responsibility to say, hey, son, I heard this. I need you to know this is going on behind your back. And he may tell you, mom, I know. I already know. Or he may say, wait, wait, what? And he may blow up at you. You didn't want this. You've never wanted me to be happy. Who knows what he's gonna say? But as a parent, I want to know. I looked my kid in the eye and said, I love you enough to shove you out of the way of a moving truck. And if that truck was turning and I shove you down and you get some scrapes and bruises, I'll tell you, I'm sorry. But at least I did what I thought was the right thing to keep you safe in that moment. And, yeah, if, man, if I. If I see a kid in the road, I'm gonna. I'm gonna pick that kid up and try to get that kid out of the. Out of harm's way. And that's what you're seeing. And so maybe she gets a blood test back. She passes with flying colors. She was just trying to act tough in front of her family. She's actually taking care of that baby, and you're watching her vape, so that's probably not true, but I'm trying to just give the benefit of the doubt. At least she will know, hey, there's somebody with eyes over this little baby.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You get what I'm saying, right? And I know what I'm saying is hard, but I think it's right for your kid, and I think it's right for you. And I think. I mean, put it this way. You're not going to be able to sleep at night until you. Until you let your truth be known. Right?

[Caller (Mother)]

Right? Yeah. It's been bothering me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's killing you.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I do kind of feel like, you know, she's using him because it seemed like time they got together. She quit working, she quit going to school, and he was the sole caregiver. And at one point, her mom moved in with her other seven siblings, and he was the only one in the house working. So it just does feel like he's being taken advantage of, you know, And I hate that for him, you know, but also.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But also, he's 28 years old and he's making grown up, grown man decisions.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so as a mom, you can say, hey, I need to call this out and put this on the table. I'm saying this because I love you and I can be wrong. I see my Son getting taken advantage of. And then he is a 28 year old working grown man about to be a father of a kid who may or may not be his, gets to look at his mom and say, mom, this is the life I'm choosing. Back off.

[Caller (Mother)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or he gets to say, say what? And you can, that may be a great time for you to say, hey, when I was younger, I did this to, to a guy, or I watched this happen in my family with my brother or my uncle or my dad. And you're going to connect with an. Because here's the thing, he's not 12. And so you're going to have to connect relationally and persuasively because you don't, you can't tell him what to do anymore. He's a 28 year old man. Like he's all grown up now. And so you sitting down and saying, here's what I'm seeing. I know you're a grown man and you get to make grown man decisions, but I'm watching an entire family unit begin to weigh on your shoulders. And he may say, hey, this is what I signed up for. But I think every parent has a responsibility when they see their kid in harm's way to risk an uncomfortable conversation, an uncomfortable season, maybe blow up the whole relationship to keep somebody safe, to keep somebody alive, whether that's your son, whether that's your unborn grandkid, or whether it's just a neighborhood kid that is biologically not connected to you, your son or anybody. But still, that kid's going to have to grow up in a world with the, with the neurological wiring of a mom who smoked weed regularly while she was pregnant with him. And I'm just going to get involved as a community member. And I guess what I want to say is our whole culture is wound up in you do you and I'll do me. And we're dying from that sentiment. It used to be my neighbor, Ms. Kathy, who lived next door to me, came over to my house because she acted as another mother. Ms. Nita, who lived on my street, acted as another mother. Grandma Kathy, who lived diagonal to us, Zondra, who lived down the street. I was raised by my parents, but a whole bunch of other moms and dads got involved too, because they got to see things that my parents didn't see. And I'm standing on their shoulders right now. And that type of it takes a village is gone now. And so I want to encourage you, like, interject when it's time to keep your Kids safe. Interject when it's time to keep this baby safe, and let's begin building communities back. And if you lose that relationship and they want to act like children, then so be it. But at least you will be able to go to sleep saying, I loved my son enough to say the hard thing. Thank you so, so much for that call. We come back. There's a man trying to support his fiance through the growing tensions with her family. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Emotional, relational, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about. Your digital life right now. Your personal information. Things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school. Sitting on countless gnarly websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give any of them permission to have your personal information. But it's out there. And let's be honest, that's not just annoying, that's violating. That constant exposure creates this anxiety that just hums in the background of your life. Something always feels off. It makes it impossible to trust anyone. And this is why I use Delete me. Delete Me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your knowledge and without your permission. Delete Me tracks down your information and removes it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they did. Because taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries provide Peace. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com/Deloney and use code Deloney to get 20% off. That's JoinDeleteMe.com Deloney to save 20% off your entire order. All right, hey, listen, this past month, we crossed a hundred million views in the month here on YouTube and we got about one and a half million subscribers, which tells me that. What is that? Tens of millions of you. I'm not gonna do that math in my head, even though it's pretty simple math. Tens of millions of you haven't just taken one second to hit the subscribe button. If you will hit subscribe to the show. It makes such a difference. And if you're listening to this on Spotify, I love our friends at Spot or on Apple Pockets, wherever you listen to this, hit the subscribe button, hit the like button. And if you want to be a real gangster, leave a review. And it makes such a difference. Thank you. Let's go to Arlington, Virginia and talk to Archie. What up, Archie?

[Caller (Fiance)]

Hey, Dr. John. I just want to start and say thank you so much for everything that you do. I'm a longtime listener, and I've been listening to all the conversations you've been having for a while. So thank you for all that you do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Thank you, brother. I appreciate that. The kind words, man, they. It's a glass of cold water in the desert, man. I appreciate you.

[Caller (Fiance)]

It really is. So I'll just cannonball in here. So the core question is, how do I best support my fiance midst family tension and criticism? So we've been dating for just shy of a year. I proposed on Easter after she made the courageous decision to leave the Mormon Church and become baptized, confirmed in the Catholic Church. The rest of her family of seven is Mormon, minus her eldest brother, who's 15 years older than she is. While her family is relatively nice and cordial with me, they are very disrespectful to her at times. She is the baby of the family. She's nine years younger than our next closest sibling. I recently learned about a group chat which apparently existed or has existed for years, and it includes all of her siblings and their spouses. Without my fiance were things that she told her eldest sister in confidence are being shared to put my fiance down. And separately, I've listened to her mom put her down instead of supporting her. And I'll add to that mix that I recently moved across the country to go to graduate school, so all of our wedding planning is being done from across the country. So tie back to the original question. Would supporting her mean talking to her family and calling her siblings out for their petty behavior, or should I continue to focus on validating her feelings and supporting her in the best way I can?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah, dude, stay out of this. Like, I mean, you're already the guy that is costing her eternal damnation. That's the view of her family. Okay? Right. Wrong or indifferent, it doesn't matter what you believe. That's the cost that they're dealing with, okay? And so that's. I want to give them the grace of. They think this is a huge deal. And I don't know any family on the planet that doesn't step aside and be like, oh, my gosh, can you hear what Kelly has done? Oh, my goodness, have you seen bins? Whatever. Like, that's. That's families. Families have drama. But you interjecting here does two things makes you more of the super villain they already think you are. And it communicates to your fiance a message she's got her whole life, which is, she's not enough. She can't handle it, and she just needs to move aside and let Other people handle her problems. And so you walking alongside her and saying, I hear that. That stinks. That breaks my heart for you. You're welcome to move out here with, like, and, and get an apartment out here until we get married anytime you want. Like, it's that level of support. And I think it's good for you to be reflective of this is the ecosystem you are marrying into for the rest of your life.

[Caller (Fiance)]

And right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You, you like the old saying, you don't just marry your partner, you marry their family. Is true. And so there's going to be tension there. There's going to be tension probably forever. Hopefully everybody can be kind and cordial, and then we're going to move on and move on with our lives. But, yeah, I, I right. You getting involved is, is, is a bad move, I think.

[Caller (Fiance)]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is she, is she asking you to do this? Are you just sick of people, anybody talking bad about your girlfriend?

[Caller (Fiance)]

I, I'm just sick of anyone talking bad about her. I love her to death. She is a incredible woman. She's just so organized, so lovely. And the fact that her family doesn't see that and sees her as just a baby that keeps making mistake after mistake just really infuriates me.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. Have you told her that exactly as you just told me?

[Caller (Fiance)]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. That's the best you can do. And then you can be a sounding board in a support network. It. There may come a day in the future when she says, hey, I want to go visit for the holidays. And y' all have that conversation. I don't want to be around a bunch of people that just bag on my wife or. And she says, hey, this really means a lot to me. I'm going to ask you just to come and be cordial. We'll turn and burn. We'll go spend three days there and then we'll leave. Will you just come? And I know I've got to just take it on the chin, but I want to be around my family and imagine when y' all start having kids, right. In a Catholic, former Mormon, you all going to have a thousand kids. Right?

[Caller (Fiance)]

Yep.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That was a good joke.

[Caller (Mother)]

That's the plan.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That was a good Catholic Mormon joke. But like, it, like, I just want you to be realistic. If you go and swing in right now, you're not even technically a part of this family. It's. It's just gonna. Already, it's gonna just set fire to your villain status already. And I guess, I guess when it comes to theological differences, especially of this magnitude, I always just have grace for people, man. Like, they wouldn't be true believers of their faith if they weren't upset that their kid, their baby girl, left that faith to join another one. I get that totally. And so I can't change that. But they will, see, over time. I love this woman. I treat this woman with high dignity and respect. I honor her. I partner with her to create an amazing new. Like, that's the best I can do. But you going and swinging, it's just going to confirm the. The stories they've made up about you already. And I'm not going to give that to people. I'm going to heat burning coals through kindness and treat people with dignity. And if it comes down to it, if her dad says, hey, I want to. I want to take you out for lunch, I would go to that for sure and hear him out. And then also say, like, your daughter's a wonderful, wonderful woman. And I hear a lot of criticism and critique, and it makes me uncomfortable. I don't like it. I don't like people talking about my fiance that way. Has she asked you to intervene?

[Caller (Mother)]

No.

[Caller (Fiance)]

No. So it's. We just have two very different coping strategies. I know she tends to talks to me and kind of sleeps a lot, and I'm just. I know I. I'm kind of confrontational at points by nature.

[Caller (Mother)]

Sure.

[Caller (Fiance)]

And so that's sometimes where my mind ends up going to. I know she hasn't intervened. She's asked me intervene. And I know I've been erring on a lot of the advice that you're giving, and I'm being kind, being cordial, and I'm being helpful wherever I can. I know her youngest sibling actually recently got married herself. And I know I was, like, running around trying to help out wherever I could with the wedding and what was going on.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So. So be careful to not go ahead and try to solve other people's problems for them. And so here's what I always want to do. Anytime there's this. This thing that's happening out there, I always want to point somebody back to your thoughts and your actions and even your feelings. And what about those things can you control? And if you have a confrontational nature on behalf of other people, the energy spent trying to solve everybody else's wedding issues and problems and treatments and secret WhatsApp conversations, I would rather you take that energy and begin to dig into with yourself as you're entering into a new marriage. Y' all are creating a new relationship that's never existed before. And. And Begin to ask yourself, what is it about other people's drama that I want to get in there and solve? Do I have a bent towards justice? Do I have a bent for. Nobody stuck up for me when I was a kid, and so I feel obligated to go out and do that stuff? And here's where you're going to land. If you're reflective and honest, that you might end up liking you. Helping other people with their problems helps validate you and makes you feel a little bit taller inside your own chest. And I want to challenge you that doing that inner work, like an inner work. Such a dramatic Instagram phrase. But you being reflective will challenge you to say, okay, what do. What work do I need to do on myself so that when somebody else says something stupid, I can just let it roll off? I'm going move on with my life. I'm not going to get involved and help other people unless they ask for my help, unless I see somebody about to get hurt, and then I'm going to jump in with both feet. You see what I'm saying? Like. Like there is a. Everybody knows they're welcome at the Deloney House. I've got. I've got people all over my house right now. It's, It's. It's. It's amazing. And in all different phases of struggle, it's kind of. It's kind of wild right now. And it's. And it's exactly what my wife. How my wife and I set our life up. And I'm. I'll offer it, but I'm not going to go run around trying to solve other people's problems because I found that I was using other people to try to make me feel good as a way to avoid. I'm pretty powerless that my wife's parents, or in your case, my wife's parents are awesome. But in your case, your wife's parents are pretty terrible to her, and I can't solve that. And letting her know I will always be here. I love this. I love this exercise for y', all, too, because here's the deal. This is going to come up with her boss one day, or this is going to come up with a neighbor, or she's gonna try to volunteer for something at your local. At your local parish, and she's gonna get turned down. And you're. You're gonna want to go in there swinging, right? You're gonna want to go in there trying to fight everybody. And so having this conversation now, this is a great exercise for y' all going out for breakfast and saying, all right, hey, whenever big problems come, I want to go in there and punch everybody. And your tendency. I. What I'm seeing is you want to just exhale and sleep, and your body kind of shuts you down. How are we gonna work together in the future? What's a way I can love you when I see you sleeping a lot and going into avoidant behavior? How can I love you? And could I put some things on the table? Ways you could love me when you see me about to go swinging and fighting everybody. And my wife and I have a very similar dynamic to you and your fiance. And those conversations have been magic. And it's given me some peace. It's given my wife some peace. And now I know I have a roadmap for, oh, she needs me to get involved here. She wants me to get involved here. Versus I'm trying to get involved because I feel really small. So that's my best, best wisdom for you, brother. It's just. Isn't your problem. I mean, I'm sorry, it is your problem because you're connected to her, but this isn't something you can go in there and solve. And so continuing to support her and more importantly, continuing to ask her, how can I love you right now? How can I love you today? How can I love you when you find out these hard truths about your family talking crap about you? How can I love you when your boss passes you over for a promotion? How can I love you if we get pregnant? You know, like three years from we get pregnant and we lose a. We have a miscarriage? Like, let's talk about those things now so that we begin to build roadmaps for how we can best love each other. Otherwise, you're going to end up trying to love each other as you wish someone would love for you. And that creates a ton of conflict in a marriage. Thank you so much for the call, my brother. I'm really grateful for you. And by the way, good for you for wanting to stick your neck out and start swinging like, punch first and ask questions later on behalf of the woman you love. I love that sentiment. It's about controlling that and doing the next right thing. Even when you feel like I want to go burn everything to the ground, asking yourself before you like that first match, how can I best love her? Thanks for the call, brother. We come back, a wife is pushing for boundaries as her in laws obsess over their finances. We'll be right back. All right. Everybody talks about how important supplements are, but most of what you see on the supplement shelves in your local grocery store is garbage. Fancy labels and cool names with zero substance. I'm not playing that game. And neither are my friends at Thorne. I've been taking Thorn supplements for more than a decade. They're pure, they're clean. And I trust Thorne supplements enough to give them to my family, including my kids. Whether you're a serious athlete or a mom on the go or a dad trying to show up at work and for his family after a long day at work, you deserve the absolute best, and that is Thorne. 35% of Thorne's employees work in quality control, and they reject up to 15% of their raw materials. Because good enough isn't good enough for Thorne. It has to be world class. And it's why professional athletes, olympic teams, and 60,000 doctors plus trust Thorne. And it's why I have been trusting them too. Stop guessing what's going into your body. Take what it needs and nothing it doesn't. Go to thorne.com you deloney to get 25% off your order when you create an account that's T-H-O-R-N-E.com, the letter u/deloney. All right, Greenville, South Carolina, let's talk to not April, but May. What's up, May?

[Caller (Wife)]

Hello.

[Dr. John Deloney]

How we doing?

[Caller (Wife)]

I'm good. How are you, Dr. John?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Outstanding. What's up?

[Caller (Wife)]

So my husband and I are relatively newlyweds. We've been married for a year now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, gross. Do you still like each other?

[Caller (Wife)]

We do. I love him. He is my best friend.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Gross. Okay. That's awesome. Good for you.

[Caller (Wife)]

And we have our first baby on the way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Congrats. Awesome.

[Caller (Wife)]

Thank you. But my. My problem, or I guess our problem, is that my husband's parents, every time they visit us or they call, all they want to talk about is our finances or anything related to finances. Whether it's, you know, if we're buying a new car or making any kind of investment, they. They always want to know the specifics of everything. And I'm. I'm not comfortable with it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Is your husband just passing along those financial. Does he still call on his mommy and his daddy for permission to spend money?

[Caller (Mother)]

No.

[Caller (Wife)]

So I think what it comes down to is that my husband and I were raised very differently. You know, I was taught growing up there are some things that as adults, you don't ask about. You know, you don't talk about people's weight, you don't talk about people's finances and casual conversation. He was raised in A family that is very open. His parents talk about their own finances. They tell us about his siblings finances. And you know, they're very comfortable with it. And to him, kind of not telling his parents when they ask, he says it makes him feel like he's lying to his parents instead of setting a boundary.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So is. This is an interesting dynamic. Okay, so go with me on this. If his parents are asking y' all what feel like personal questions as a way to manipulate this relationship, that boundary is really important. And by the way, I love the way Nedra Tob says. She says it so beautifully. Boundaries are a way for us to continue being connected. They're not a way to separate people. They're a way to allow a relationship to continue. And I think that is so powerful. Right. So if they're asking you because they're trying to manipulate, they're using that to, you know, and they're going to take your financial information and go back to the other siblings and be like, well, you know, your brother's doing this. And then. Yeah, that feels gross. Right. It's. It's their way of, of wiggling into somebody else's marriage. But yeah, the other side of it is. And I'll use my family for an ex as an example. Like, I just grew up in a house where everybody just says everything. You know what I mean? Like, too much. Too much. Yeah. We don't ever, ever talk about money in my family ever. Because money was a really deep sense of shame and tension. But.

[Caller (Wife)]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I learned just a few years ago, I may have told that on the show. I've all, like, especially with my professional life. My professional life has always been about mental health. About. I was doing sexual assault investigations early on. I was doing all I, I. My, my professional life has been geared towards or been had a, a huge chunk of it being around sex and the conversations around sex. And because of that, I developed such a comfort talking about it that I have had to go back and learn that that is not good dinner time conversation for some couples.

[Caller (Wife)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right.

[Caller (Wife)]

And I think that's kind of where my husband's at with finances. He's comfortable talking about it, and I just am not.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So I think the challenge here is twofold. One, you digging into why do I have such a deep discomfort around talking about money?

[Caller (Wife)]

Where I part of it is when they talk about our finances, it's not in a positive way.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So it's that it reveals, it's used against you. Right.

[Caller (Wife)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. So I think that's an important call Out. Um, and being able to communicate that with your husband. Hey, I don't. It's less about. I don't like talking about money. The deeper issue is I don't like your parents telling us that we're less than. Telling us that we're dumb, telling us that we don't know how to. Because y' all are going to have to make some mistakes together and figure them out together. Right. And his parents running into the weight room that is your new marriage and taking all the weight off the bar for you is going to make it really difficult down the road when you'll have a major issue, which all marriages do, and you don't have the strength to work through it because you didn't have to solve these little bitty problems along the way, right?

[Caller (Wife)]

Absolutely.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so having that conversation, because it's. If it just keeps being about money, he's never going to get it. If it's the deeper conversation. Your parents make me feel less than. I don't like that. And they have manipulated you into thinking if. If you don't participate in them making us feel stupid and dumb, that somehow you're being dishonest with them. And that's gaslighting. That's manipulation. That's not true. And the bigger issue here is, if we're honest is a year in, you have a kid coming, you see the train coming down the tracks right at your marriage, which is, oh, they're going to then get involved in all of our parenting decisions and our living arrangements and our jobs. And I did not marry them. I married their son.

[Caller (Wife)]

That's exactly what I'm afraid of, Okay? I just put that on working, too.

[Dr. John Deloney]

You have to put that on the table with your husband. I feel like I'm married to your mother and to your dad as well. And I didn't marry them. I married you.

[Caller (Wife)]

Okay?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And here's. Here's the. The language I used in my house, okay? With me and my wife. And by the way, I was the one with the problem, not her. I literally have the best in laws ever. I. I would put them up against anybody. And my parents are very supportive. They're great people. And it was a big day for me. When I said out loud, my parents do not get a vote in my marriage, period. They can support me. They can love me. My dad and my mom are two brilliant people. Their job is to give me endless amounts of advice. But as for me and my household, my wife and I get to decide how we spend our money, what jobs we take, where we live and how we raise our kids. Right.

[Caller (Wife)]

And, you know, I think my husband's on the same page as me with that, but I think it's, it's more so him struggling with how should he set the boundary with his parents? You know, is it better to. Well, we've tried, you know, in the past, when they bring up finances, changing conversation to a different topic, that's not it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's not setting a boundary. That's cool. Yeah, that's not setting a boundary. That's, that's avoidance. That's running around.

[Caller (Wife)]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So give me an example of how they ask for about your finances.

[Caller (Wife)]

It's, it's very. So for an example, my husband just got transferred for his job.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller (Wife)]

And with that transfer, we were given a stipend for moving costs.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller (Wife)]

While we were packing, his parents came to visit. And the very first thing they asked, not about baby, not about how we're doing. It was, hey, so how much was that stipend and what exactly do you plan on using it for? And, you know, we tried to change the conversation sort of to, you know, how packing was going or something along those lines. And it just got back to, well, you know, moving is expensive. How do you plan to pay for all of this? What exactly are you doing with it, and how much did you get?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, that's a very intrusive question.

[Caller (Wife)]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so underneath that, what question were they actually asking you and your husband?

[Caller (Wife)]

To me, they wanted to know specifically how much money we have sitting in our bank account right now.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Why would they want to know that?

[Caller (Wife)]

I personally, and I don't like to speak bad about anybody, but I think it is a control thing. You know, my son, or, sorry, their son, he's their oldest son. And I think it's been kind of hard for them to let go because they're used to, you know, helping their younger kids with finances and all of that. I don't think they're necessarily have any bad intent behind it, but I think it's just letting go of control and recognizing, hey, our kid is grown up and we don't, we don't need to have any involvement in this.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And I think it may even be a deeper question. This is going to sound silly, but I want to give them some grace. Maybe they're asking themselves, who are we if we're not his decision maker?

[Caller (Wife)]

Yeah, I, I can agree.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so the I, I, I get that sense of wrestling with that. Right. And it's our job as we create our new family and our New household to say to begin to set boundaries. And so what we're going to do is we're going to put something. Some boundaries up so that we can have a close relationship with. With two people who clearly love their son. And hopefully they love you. And that is. Hey, how much did you get on that stipend? Dad, they're. They're taking care of the move. I know, but, like, what was the dollar amount? Dad, I'm not going to get into personal numbers anymore. What? You're not going to tell me the numbers? Yeah, dad, I'm going to keep. I'm. I got to keep some of that stuff private. They're taking care of the move. It's a really good deal, and I feel good about it. I shook hands on it, and it's good to go. Conversation over.

[Caller (Wife)]

Okay. And then your husband direct about it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

But it doesn't have to be a fight. It's just a simple. I'm not going to talk about the direct numbers. Like, I just want to keep some of that between me and my employer. And then he has to hold that tension because when that first boundary gets put up, they are going to go to war to try to figure out how to solve it. And they might go to war by yelling. They might go to war about, oh, I guess you just don't care what we say anymore, and we're just gonna, we're fine. Let's just go home. Had that happen with people I've met with before that people got in the car and literally drove away. They might say, well, I guess then fine, if you don't need our help. People, they're going to respond however they're going to respond. And if you try to own their response, you're going to make yourself crazy. And you're going to. You're going to create a wedge in your marriage because you married a man that you want to stand up for you and for your kid and for himself and for your new family. And if you won't even do it with those two, how in the world is he going to do it when things get real dicey with an employer down the road? Right?

[Caller (Wife)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And so he's got to feel that tension and exhale and say, I can't control their response. I can just control how well I love them. And loving them right now is. I don't want to talk about our personal, like, the intimate details of our finances. And so when I moved from Texas to Nashville, I let my parents know, dude, it's a pretty great deal. And they're really helping out with the move I did. That's it.

[Caller (Wife)]

So that's the kind of conversation I would be more than happy to have. But.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And so it's. It's honoring to let my parents know, your son, your oldest son did good. It's honoring to let my parents know, hey, their. Their oldest son's getting taken care of.

[Caller (Wife)]

Right. And I. I know he's. He's scared of being a bad son. He's a great. He's a wonderful husband to me, but I know he just. He wants to be a good son to his parents.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true. I think he wants to continue trying to please them, which means always doing whatever they say, whenever they say it, and. And even if it is divulging personal secrets.

[Caller (Wife)]

Well, that's what I mean. I think they've gotten it to the point where when he doesn't and he starts drawing lines, they tell him that he's being a bad son.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. If they say, you're being a bad son, they're. They're free to go.

[Caller (Wife)]

Right? That's kind of where I'm at.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Or he can say, I'm not a bad son. I'm a pretty great son. I'm a good husband. I'm a good man. I'm a good employee. And it begins to communicate. You don't get a vote. And by the way, when they leave, he can sob and weep because no kid should hear their parents look at them and say, you're a bad son. I agree it's devastating, but that's manipulative.

[Caller (Wife)]

And so I. I completely agree.

[Dr. John Deloney]

The bigger picture here is they're using money as a way to continue to have a leash on their grown son. And he has to be the one that unhook. Just know that that hook that he has is. He has. He has the ability to unhook it. It's just going to be uncomfortable. So hopefully that helps me. I'm really grateful for your conversation, and I love the fact that you're having this conversation with your husband before you have a kid. Because if y' all think they're intrusive now, wait till you bring their quote, unquote, their first grandkid. God Almighty. It's going to be a. They're going to buy the neighbor's house next door, Romano, Ray Romano style. And you think it's bad now? It's going to be. The ante is going to be way ramped up. And so maybe it's going to be saying, hey, nobody's allowed in the birthing room. Your mother's going to be. So, yeah, my wife, we decided it's just going to be us two in there, period. Or just her mom, not you. And y' all can wait out in the waiting room. Or in fact, we don't want anybody at our house for the first week. And then we'd love to have you here on the second week. And then they can throw a temper tantrum and go away. Like, y' all get to decide those boundaries but begin having those hard conversations now in May. It's not about the money. It's about how you don't feel like your husband's stepping up. It's about you don't feel safe. It's about you want to feel connected to him and y' all want to build something together. Thank you so, so much for the call. We'll be right back. All right. Have you felt it? It's that not so subtle shift. Summer is winding down, the days are getting shorter, and school is back in action. The Q4 work stresses are hitting hard, and I'm finding myself wanting to numb out more and more. I know you are, too. We've got to be intentional about protecting our sleep because here's the truth. How we sleep is a massive part of how we feel. And when our bodies aren't resting, our minds can't reset. Our physical bodies can't get up the next day ready to do the work ahead of us. It's one of the most important things we can do to stay mentally sharp, emotionally ready and able to show up for our friends, our families and our workplaces. This is why I'm constantly talking about Helix mattresses. They build the best mattresses and they're made for you, not the generic average sleeper. So whether you're a hot sleeper, a side sleeper, a back sleeper, or somewhere in between, Helix designs mattresses around your needs yours. So get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did. It takes like two minutes. And they're going to match you with exactly the right mattress just for you. Right now, my audience can get an exclusive 25 off during their extended Labor Day sale. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for 25% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney and tell them you heard about Helix Mattresses right here on this show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Want to answer a money and marriage question? This is a question that was left at one of our money marriage conferences. We've got one coming up in November of 25 and I think that one's almost sold out in the Valentine's Day weekend. 26. Love to have you come visit us here in Nashville. Spend a couple of days with us. It's the best marriage conference on the planet. And I think it's the most reasonably. It's unreasonably low, but it is expensive priced weekend getaway marriage conference on the. On the planet. It's just awesome. But we have an anonymous question box and so we decided to. We didn't get to all of the questions so I want to answer some of these on the show here. Here is a question. How does one know when abuse exists? The deeper question is, do I have a wife or is there emotional abuse in my house? Am I experiencing emotional abuse? All right, so you can get dig into what's the difference between psychological abuse or emotional abuse. But here's a way I kind of frame it. Is somebody trying to alter the way you see reality? Is someone trying to alter the feelings you have? Or somebody trying to scare you, humiliate you, or make you feel less than meaning they're going after your self worth. Right? So if somebody, if you say, hey, I really don't like it when you say this, that hurts my feelings. And they go, no, it doesn't. That's not even. That's not even a big deal. That's bordering on emotional abuse. Right? They're going after how you experience and see reality. Or psychological abuse. I'm not gonna mince words here. That's a whole different nerd conversation. Or you leave the dishes out on. On the counter. Complaining or whining or bitching is golly, dude. Like clean up after yourself. You never clean up. Like, I work hard around here. You don't do anything. My goodness. Right? That's just complaining of whining. Emotional abuse is. You disgust me. You're sick. My last lover was so much better at this than you. My mom or my dad always took care of this crap. And you're a freaking failure. I don't even know how. I'm married to you, right? So one of these, I would say this complaining is about the thing. The towels on the floor, the way you treat our kids, the. Your weight. Like complaining is about the thing. When it gets into abuse is when it is pervasive and it never stops. And it's about you, your reality, your character, your experiences. And it's done for one reason. To control you, to Put me over you. And so every relationship has complaining and whining and nagging in it, male and female. It just goes back and forth. Those never accomplish anything ever other than to like, put a wedge between you, but they happen. God. Why didn't you mow the yard? You said you're gonna mow the yard. Our yard looks like crap. That's not abuse. That's whining. That's complaining or that's stating a fact. That's just, that's just calling out. It's accountability. Hey, you said you're going to do this. You didn't do it. That's different than, you're such a loser. I can't believe I married you. I could have done so much better than you. You disgust me. You're a loser. This is just another reason why you. Now we're getting into I need to use your head as a stepping stool for my own well being. And so that's how I do. I separate the two. And complaining and nagging is annoying. It can get heavy. Where we need to have this conversation. Abuse. You. You purposely humiliating me. Taking my self worth away, making character like using my character as a weapon so that you can control me. I'm gonna continue to make these jokes at your expense. They don't feel that bad. Just shut up. You're such a baby. I'm gonna go sleep with somebody else. You know, whatever. You don't ever want to have sex with me. So I can look at, I can go sleep with a neighbor. I can look at pornography all I want. Because you're just like, you're a waste, man. Now we're getting into emotional abuse. And whether you want to parse it out. Here's the bigger issue. Here's like my litmus test. Can you say it out loud? Can you put it on the table? And if you think to yourself, I could never say that because of the repercussions. Whether the repercussions are psychological, physical, physical or emotional, then you need to go talk to somebody ASAP because you're not safe. That's your body saying, I can't do anything in this situation because I'm not safe. The other is, yeah, it's just going to make the complaining louder, the whining louder. Then put it on the table. Let's have that conversation. And so that's usually my litmus test. Can you speak and be heard on this or is it unsafe for you to speak and be heard on this? In both places you're going to have to act. But one, you're gonna have to get some other people in your corner to act because it's. It's legitimately not psychologically or emotionally or physically safe. So that's how I divide them out. At the end of the day, all of these things require action on your part, and just wishing it would go away isn't going to. Whether it's just mild whining or complaining or nagging. Both. Both of you. Him or her. Or if it is more abusive in nature. So that's my take on that. Kelly, did I miss anything? I don't think so. That sounds great. I think you. I. I would have thought that you emotionally abused me with some regularity until I kind of dug into this. And I think it's just more complaining, whining. Talk about gaslighting now and how you gaslight me. I mean, they burn bright around here. That's probably true, actually. It's just you holding me accountable for ug. All right, so, hey, love you guys. Stay in school, don't do drugs, be kind, please, God almighty, Put some more kindness out in the world. And tip your waiters obnoxiously. Love you guys. Bye.