My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show Episode: My Teen’s Boyfriend Has an Ankle Monitor
Release Date: April 11, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses pressing issues related to teenage relationships, parental concerns, marital challenges, and emotional intimacy. Through engaging caller interactions, Dr. DeLoney provides insightful advice on navigating complex family dynamics and personal struggles.

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Caller Mary: Daughter Dating a Boy with an Ankle Monitor

Timestamp: [00:05] - [13:22]

Mary, a distressed mother undergoing a divorce, reaches out with concerns about her 15-year-old daughter dating a 17-year-old boy who is currently wearing an ankle monitor. Mary fears that her daughter might make poor choices influenced by the boy's troubled past.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Protecting the Daughter Without Alienating Her:

   • Mary is torn between protecting her daughter and not wanting to drive her away, especially given her daughter's turbulent relationship history.

2. Evaluating the Boy's Character:

   • Mary struggles to reconcile her daughter's perception of the boy as someone misunderstood versus his actual criminal background.

3. Navigating Legal and Moral Boundaries:

   • The relationship is complicated by the boy's legal issues, raising concerns about age of consent and potential future consequences.

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Firm Boundaries:
  "My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period."
  ([04:23])

• Prioritizing Safety Over Connection:
  "The stakes are too high. I would much rather my 15-year-old not like me than cross my fingers and hope that a convicted 17-year-old makes good choices."
  ([06:25])

• Building Trust Through Connection:
  Dr. DeLoney emphasizes the importance of reinforcing the parent-child bond by sharing personal experiences and increasing quality time together.
  "This is the time to wrap your arms around that girl and say, I can't let you do this."
  ([12:28])

Notable Quotes:

• "This isn't about control. This is about safety."
  ([13:22])

• "As parents, we have to learn to be okay with teenagers who don't like us."
  ([07:16])

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Caller Michelle: Supporting Husband’s Business Ambition Amidst Family Changes

Timestamp: [18:45] - [44:14]

Michelle seeks guidance on how to support her husband’s desire to start a new business out of state while she manages a six-month-old child and twin pregnancies. The couple faces the prospect of major life changes that could impact their family stability.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Balancing Career Aspirations with Family Responsibilities:

   • Michelle is conflicted between supporting her husband's entrepreneurial ambitions and the practical challenges of raising young children.

2. Financial and Emotional Strain:

   • Concerns about the financial implications of relocating and the emotional toll it may take on their marriage and family life.

3. Effective Communication:

   • The necessity of open, honest conversations about fears, expectations, and the future of their family.

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Expressing Needs and Fears:
  "He needs to hear you say, I need you."
  ([24:37])

• Collaborative Problem-Solving:
  Encourages Michelle to outline specific concerns and work together to find solutions that honor both partners' needs.
  "This is a math problem to be solved together."
  ([26:01])

• Prioritizing Emotional Connection:
  Emphasizes the importance of being present and emotionally available for each other during stressful times.
  "You play an important role... You're the foundation of this home."
  ([13:22])

Notable Quotes:

• "You have to learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife."
  ([41:10])

• "If you just say no, then you quickly become his mother."
  ([20:55])

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Caller Victor: Helping Wife Stop Over-Mothering Others

Timestamp: [35:03] - [45:14]

Victor calls in to discuss his wife's tendency to over-mother others, stemming from her past experiences of having to care for family members from a young age. This behavior is now affecting their household dynamics, especially with extended family members moving in.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Origins of Over-Mothering Behavior:

   • Victor explains that his wife became a pseudo-mother figure from age 12 due to her father's health issues and her mother's miscarriage.

2. Impact on Current Family Life:

   • Her over-involvement is creating a stressful environment, particularly with multiple family members living together.

3. Addressing Deep-Rooted Behavioral Patterns:

   • The challenge of changing ingrained behaviors that were developed as survival mechanisms in her childhood.

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Establishing Personal Boundaries:
  "She has to choose two things: to be honest about what she wants and what she needs... and practice being uncomfortable saying no."
  ([38:39])

• Creating a Supportive Environment:
  Encourages Victor to support his wife in finding her own ground and prioritizing their marriage over extended family obligations.
  "You all have to have a shared path moving forward... Decide what kind of home and marriage do we want to have."
  ([41:42])

• Cultivating Individual and Shared Goals:
  Stressing the importance of both partners communicating their needs and working towards common objectives to strengthen their relationship.
  "You have to learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife."
  ([41:10])

Notable Quotes:

• "Her body's not broken. It's just playing. Running a script that it already knows."
  ([44:32])

• "The things that your body and spirit and mind and nervous system did to survive as a kid will blow up your adult relationships."
  ([38:39])

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Caller Sarah: Strained Sex Life Due to Lack of Emotional Intimacy

Timestamp: [49:17] - [51:09]

Sarah expresses her frustration over a strained sexual relationship with her husband, attributing it to a lack of emotional intimacy. Despite her efforts to bridge the gap, her husband perceives her actions as rejection, leading to further complications.

Key Points Discussed:

1. Emotional Disconnect Affecting Physical Intimacy:

   • Sarah feels that the lack of emotional connection is the root cause of their sexual strain.

2. Efforts to Reconnect Are Misinterpreted:

   • Attempts like introducing a couple’s sex adventure book have been met with resistance and negative reactions.

3. Self-Doubt and Emotional Impact:

   • Sarah questions whether her efforts and emotional responses are unwarranted or contributing to the problem.

Dr. DeLoney’s Advice:

• Understanding the Link Between Sex and Rejection:
  "Sex and rejection are so deeply intertwined. It's like, so personal."
  ([50:06])

• Facilitating Open Conversations:
  Encourages Sarah and her husband to engage in daytime discussions about their emotional and sexual needs without judgment.
  "This is a conversation that needs to happen in the daytime... What needs to happen?"
  ([51:06])

• Avoiding Personalization of Reactions:
  Highlights that Sarah's husband's rejection is not a reflection of her worth but rather a manifestation of his own struggles with vulnerability.
  "You're not the problem for letting these comments get to you."
  ([50:06])

Notable Quotes:

• "What matters the most is you and your wife decide. Let's clear the deck."
  ([46:09])

• "Sex is the ultimate. This is all of me. Do you still love me?"
  ([50:06])

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Conclusion

Throughout this episode, Dr. John DeLoney adeptly navigates complex interpersonal issues, offering compassionate and practical advice to callers grappling with relationship challenges. From setting firm boundaries to fostering open communication, his guidance emphasizes the importance of understanding, connection, and mutual respect in maintaining healthy relationships. Listeners gain valuable insights into managing familial pressures, supporting a partner's ambitions, and enhancing emotional intimacy within marriages.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional segments have been excluded from this summary to focus solely on the core content and discussions relevant to the episode's primary themes.

Transcript

[Mary]

How do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? And it's all regarding a boy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God.

[Mary]

New interest that has a troubled past.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period. What in the world is going on? This is John with the doctor, Dr. John DeLoney's show, talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and your marriages and your kids and everything you got going on in your life. If you notice I'm being a little more chill, it's because they did the chat GPT roast of me. They said I come in pretty hot. Like, I've had a bunch of espressos.

[Kelly]

I believe it was. Comes in, like he said, seven shot of espressos and run a marathon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

If I'm being specific.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So now I'm coming in like, I'm like five quaaludes in four or five.

[Kelly]

That that playful chat GT GPT roast.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Said about you the most hurtful that I come in hot with youth minister energy.

[Kelly]

Yeah, it did say that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That hurt in my soul. Right in my soul. I have no sparkles on my jeans, by the way. I. Anyway, I didn't come in here with a somersault or whatever. And yeah, they gave me the hemorrhoids on that one.

[Kelly]

It was specifically youth minister. On Sunday morning vibes, it's bro, that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, that hurt my heart. And dude, shout out. You want to be youth minister? Knock your lights out, man. If the world really experiences me that way, I've got a lot of work to do. Go back to therapy.

[Kelly]

It's a playful, like it said, a playful roast st.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen, AI doesn't lie. That's what the government keeps telling us. You think it does? I'm heartbroken. Let's go out to Carson City, Nevada. Or Nevada, depending on who you're talking to. Mary, will you help me out, please?

[Victor]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it Nevada or Nevada?

[Mary]

You know somebody is from Nevada when they say Nevada. The minute they say Nevada, they're not from here.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You people of the desert keep your secrets. That's how. Hey, next time I'm there, I'm gonna bring, like, a Subaru Outback or like an Overlander Forerunner, and I'm gonna just tell everyone I'm from Nevada. And they're gonna be like, oh, a local.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm gonna talk bad about the Strip. I'll be like, I hate gambling. I'll be like, yeah, that'll be cool. Then we'll drive out in the desert. And me and Michael Easter will go for a ruck. It'll be awesome. All right, so Nevada. All right, so Mary from Nevada. I feel like I'm like a Michigander who got lost in Nevada. All right, so what's up?

[Kelly]

All right, well, so just let's transition.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

From that to whatever you're about to.

[Mary]

It's not awkward at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No.

[Mary]

So I'll just say first that, you know, I'm in. I find myself in a situation of life where I'm, you know, one day I'm convicted and I know exactly what I should do. The next day I have no clue what I'm doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Me too. Me too. Same team.

[Mary]

So I am in the middle of going through a divorce, so I'm hyper focused on like protecting my children because there's a lot just going on right now, and I. My biggest fear is that they'll kind of make wrong choices. Right. So I want to make sure that I'm doing right by my kids. So the question is how. How do I protect my daughter but not end up in that situation where I make her run? And it's all regarding a boy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God.

[Mary]

New interest that has a troubled past. So I, I don't have all the details yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is this boy?

[Mary]

So he is 17, she is 15.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Who cares what the, who absolutely cares what the, what the details are?

[Mary]

Well, I kind of do, but because I think it speaks to his character. And the picture that that's being painted to me is that he's in trouble because he was protecting someone. But you don't get arrested unless you did something wrong. Right. So in my mind, I've already got a mismatch of what her perception is and what is actually happening.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he has a criminal background.

[Mary]

So, yeah, just recently he was arrested and he's been on an ankle monitor since. And this week he's supposed to be off the ankle monitor and then supposed. Supposedly going to have probation.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And all of your intel, if you will, is from a 15 year old via a 17 year old.

[Mary]

Yeah. So my. I've already told her that I need to sit down and have a conversation with him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wait, why? Why, Mary? Why? See, let me put it this way. My daughter would not be dating a boy with an ankle monitor, period. And I actually teach my son to stand up for people. And so if my son is out somewhere and there's somebody out on the margins and they're in an unsafe situation or somebody's trying to hurt them, I have taught and trained my son to intervene and if he gets arrested and goes to jail and has a criminal record and is wearing an ankle monitor, I will also teach him that the 15 year old girl he's dating is gonna need to take a break for a bit. I'm not sitting down with a minor with a 17 year old who's about to be 18 and trying to get the facts. Because you know what 17 year olds who want to hook up with 15 year olds do? They just make up whatever story that is gonna be most advantageous to them.

[Mary]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm like, You get what I'm saying? Like this is like a scorched earth thing for me.

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because here's what you're, you're, you'll be testing the, the test here is your daughter. This isn't hypothetical. If he spins you some, some story that's amazing and you feel compassion and moved and he's getting rig rigged by the system, whether he's telling the truth or not. That's the, the, the test there for a guy that just got arrested and is being prosecuted for assault is your daughter. I'm not taking that risk. Not a 15 year old. When she's 18 she can do what you want to. But are, are you heartbroken about breaking?

[Michelle]

I.

[Mary]

I just have not personally experienced. But I've always had this fear because she's had a hard life with her dad and she's threatened and you know all these things about, you know, moving away and no one loves her and all of these things. And so it's just like this big. Like if I forbid this then that's going to give her a reason to run away from me. And I feel like I'm the only one that can protect her right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But the stakes are too high. I would much rather my 15 year old not like me then cross my fingers and hope that a convicted 17 year old makes good choices. I think, I think the fallacy here. Yes. If you cut off a child and you've. I've had episodes of the show where I kind of go after dads especially I'm taking a phone, I'm cutting her off, she can't do anything. So basically you starve a child who's desperate for connection from oxygen. Right, Right. That's a terrible idea. You're right. They will claw through the walls to get out of your house so they can breathe with connection being their breath. Right. And if you have a young daughter whose dad has been absent or abusive or treated their mother like crap or been highly like you Know critical what? Like then, yes, she's going to go find the nearest warm bodied male that says I love you right to Absolutely.

[Mary]

And that's exactly what I fear she's doing. Right? She's, that she's blinded by the fact that he, this boy, has strong feelings for her and she thinks, oh, this is it. This is the guy who's gonna love me no matter what. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Totally get that. Totally get that. And what I want you to do is I want you to think about 25 year old her who's holding a toddler and is not in school or didn't go to school because she couldn't, who looks at you and says, why did you let me run amok when I was 15? Because I'd get mad at you now listen, I got a 14 year old. I'm not saying this is easy. It's a nightmare. I hate it. I hate it. Right? And I don't have near the challenges you have. I just know the nights after we have hard conversations about something I'm drawing a hard line on, man, it's, I know what it costs my kid. I hate it. In your case, the, the false dichotomy is it's either I let him go, let her cross my fingers and let her, like I give this 17 year old a stern talking to and then I let my daughter out with the wolves. Which by the way, let's just do the math. I don't know what the, what the age of consent is in, in, in Nevada, but What is he, six months, eight months away from being 18? And this is illegal.

[Mary]

Yeah, it will technically be illegal for a few months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It will be. And if he's got pictures of her on his phone right now, he's, you know, I'm saying like this is a mess waiting to happen, but let's back all the way up. If you keep her from rattlesnake, if you keep her from getting hurt, you have to, you have to backfill that connection.

[Mary]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's exhausting. You don't have time. You probably have to work another job now because you're trying to figure out how you're going to pay bills post divorce. Like, I'm not saying this is easy, it's a nightmare. But this is, this is your mother moving in with you for a season. This is y'all finding an aunt or your sister. This is, we'll do whatever we got to do because we got about three years, maybe two. We can do anything for two or three years, but we're Going to go to breakfast once a week, we're going to have dinner. I'm going to be obnoxious, I'm going to take your phone. If I got to do that, you're not having a car. Like I'm going to do these things. And a 16 year old can run away. They can. There's not a lot we can do. We can call the police and get them back and yada yada. But it's a tough season and the research says divorce on 15 year old kids on early teens is really impactful, not to mention the, the father figure she's grown up seeing. This is hard, but I guess what I'm trying to present to you is I get how trapped you feel and this is the time to wrap your arms around that girl and say, I can't let you do this. Can I give you some tips on connection points? Yeah. This is, she's 15, she's seen a lot of life. This is when you sit down and say, here's what happened to me when I was 15. This is what happened to me when I was 18. And that's when she sees her mother as a person, not as this overlord. You get what I'm saying?

[Mary]

Yeah. And the, since I moved out and everything, we've had a lot of those conversations. Right. I mean, that's, it's actually in many ways improved my relationships with them. My mother's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely, yes. And I think it gives you a, a little sliver of credibility to say, hey, I can't, I can't. If he defended somebody and he got arrested and got convicted and whatever, then I'll salute him. But I'm, I'm not gonna. You can't go out with a 17 year old with an ankle monitor on. We're just not gonna have that, we're not gonna have that story. When you're 18, you can do what you want to do. Unless you're still living at my house, eating my food and, or I'm still paying your tuition.

[Michelle]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This isn't about control. This is about safety. And I know I can't, I can't imagine being in your seat when you made a hard call to value your dignity and your character, to leave this guy who's cheating on you and rubbing your nose in misery and they blame you for blowing up the house or at least he does. And like, I get all of that. And the last thing you want to do is to have one of your kids mad at you again. I hate you. I'm leaving here. Nobody Loves me. He's the only one who loves me. I, dude, I get that. I guess the hard line I draw is like, this is when she needs a boundary. She needs love, she needs connection. She needs a tight, tight squeeze more than ever. More than ever. And as parents, like globally, but especially in the United States, we have to learn to be okay with teenagers who don't like us. We have to be okay with that. You're a good mom for modeling to her what it's like to have dignity and respect for yourself when your husband takes it, tries to take it from you. I applaud you. And I also know the road ahead of you is very difficult. I also applaud you for being honest and open and beginning to, like, you know, show these young girls. Like, hey, I was a young girl too, and I've been hurt and I found myself in crummy situations and, and, and, and, and I'm drawing the line here. And that's when your extra connection has to begin. We're gonna have breakfast every week. We're gonna go on a date once a week. You and I are gonna how to keep a joint journal together. You and I are going to go for walks every day. You and I are gonna start going to the gym or yoga or something together. I'm gonna double down on connection. She's gonna hate it and be mad. I can't believe this. I don't want to go. And then she's going to wake up and be 18 and exhale and say, thank God my mom came and got me. You're a good, good mom, Mary. Thank you for loving these girls and thank you for having a radar that went up. Ain't no 17 year old boy with an ankle monitor dating my daughter. And I know that sounds old and paternalistic, and I simply don't. We'll be right back. All right, good folks. Cutting corners with our physical health won't cut it anymore. And whenever I try to just wing it, when I don't have a plan or any goals, I end up skipping workouts and making a lot of excuses or not really getting anywhere with my physical fitness. And I hear from you a lot, and I know that you guys work out the same way. If we all want to make real progress towards our fitness goals, we have to have a real plan. And TrainWell's got just the plan for everyone. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people. Meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey, hop on a chat with an expert trainer to discuss your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get better. Me, my wife, our friends, we've been using these workouts and Train well takes away our excuses and makes it easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your health, take the quiz to find your perfect trainer@train well.net Deloney today. And right now they have a special offer just for my audience. 89amonth when you lock in your plan. Plus they'll throw in 14 days of free personal [e-mail] Deloney that's T R A I N trainwell.net Deloney go check them out. All right. It was just a few weeks ago that we all moved our clocks forward one hour. I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family. It's when we all lose that hour that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for my attitude, my cognitive function and my ability to just show up and do life well. This is why I love my friends at Helix. My Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep more deeply, so I wake up more refreshed. I love, love, love it. And I also know that a big reason why my kids don't fight me much on going to bed is because they love sleeping in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, any which way. Plus Helix offers a hundred night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty so there's really no risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Take the Helix Sleep Quiz just like I did and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in under two minutes. Go to helixsleep.com Deloney today and get 20 off site wide for their spring savings event. That's 20 off everything at Helix. H E L I X helixsleep.com Deloney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Let's go out to San Bernardino, CA A& talk to well Michelle, my Michelle. What's up Michelle?

[Michelle]

Hi Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Rocking on to the Break of dawn. How about you?

[Michelle]

Pretty good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Michelle]

I wanted to get into my question. I wanted to know, how can I support my husband wanting to go out of state and start a new business while we have a six month old at home and twins on the way?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, gosh. What?

[Michelle]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What business is he going to start?

[Michelle]

He currently works for a plumbing company, so they kind of want to expand it and start other ones out of state.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I imagine that when they were like, man, we need somebody to move out of state, he's like, I'll go, I'll go, I'll go.

[Michelle]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a hurricane. There's been a human explosion at my house. I'll come back in three years. God, I got it. Yeah. It's not a good time, huh?

[Michelle]

I totally don't think so. And when he brought it up to me, I was not happy and said.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, yeah, that's not helpful.

[Michelle]

Like, who am I? Like, that's not good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. In these kind of situations, again, he's not on the phone, so I. I can't, I can't. I don't know what's going on in his mind, what's going on in his soul, who knows? And so I can only speculate. So I don't want to do that too much. But, y'all, I say this often on the show and I'll say it again here, often when there's a newborn. This isn't an excuse, but it's a context for everybody out there to stop with the Hollywood stuff and just speak very clearly to each other about what you need and what you want. Husbands also often have a kid come home and they have no idea what to do. And if you try to Google what to do, it is super unhelpful. And none of their guy friends can help very much. And so home becomes a failure factory. I don't know how to succeed here. And the good husbands who find themselves stuck, they're trying to Google, they're trying to help, they're trying to wash the bottles, and they do that wrong and they do the diapers wrong. And then my wife comes home and goes, hey, guess what? I'm having twins. They're like, oh, gosh. They know. They know one place where they can be successful for their family, and that's at work. And.

[Michelle]

And that's what he tells me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so really, that's a man that doesn't feel like he has a purpose in his own house. And so he's found the one thing he can do that society Says this is the way you love your family. Right. And there is some truth to that. Like, right, providing for his three kids and his. And his pregnant wife, that's important. It's critically important. But so is being present, being home, being around during this chaos. It. But if you, if you rattle off and say no, then you quickly become his mother. And he's been rebelling against her his whole life, hasn't he?

[Michelle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

Do not think about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, we're not. I don't want to be his mom. Yeah, but here's what you need beneath the no is what, like when he brought that up, what did you immediately think? Give me the things that you started rattling off in your mind that if he's gone, won't get done, won't happen. Fill that, fill those blanks in.

[Michelle]

For me, it was more so I thought to myself, you're not going to be around to see them grow up. Because in his head, it, from what he told me, it can take two to three years to become successful. So with that, it will take that time. And I see my six month old now, sees him and she smiles when she gets home. And I think to myself, why do you not want to be here for that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But let me flip that around on you. Having held a six month old, I've. I don't think I've ever felt that scared and inept in my life.

[Michelle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I didn't know what to do. I just knew I couldn't feed him other than unless, you know, we, my wife had pumped. I knew I was kind of useless. I know now that's not true, but I want you to not personalize in the same way that he's like, why aren't we making out anymore? And you're like, because I'm a human jungle gym right now. Right. And he takes that personal. I don't want you to take his request to start a business as take that personal too. Does that make sense?

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I feel like I kind of look at like everything in the sense of finances. I currently work and we're looking to me not working anymore and just staying at home because paying for child care is going to be way more than what it's worth.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Michelle]

I might as well just watch them on my own. But I feel like all that scares me and the thought of him not coming home every night is just like, how am I supposed to do this all by myself and try and get a degree at the same time?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, well, that's where you got to write that Stuff down. And let's have that conversation, because here's what you're telling him in those moments. I need you. I want you here. I'm so proud of you. Trying to protect our family, to earn our. For our family to go start a new business so that. So that I can stay home. And if this is a math problem, y'all need to be honest about your math problem. Okay? And it may be that we got to leave San Bernardino, California, which is a very expensive, expensive place to live, and we're all moving out of state. It. It like there's a math problem to this, but beneath that. And again, I'm trying to be as altruistic as possible. This guy may suck. You mean take all this personally, like, he's trying to run away from you guys. Right? That may be the case. Kelly's nodding yes, yes, yes. Like, he may be terrible. I'm trying to be as altruistic as I can. But beneath the no is I want you here. You play an important role here, and here's what that is. I can't do this by myself. I need you home.

[Michelle]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then it is, tell me what scares you about holding that baby. Tell me what scares you about. And now you're getting into dangerous territory for a guy, because vulnerability gets a guy killed on the works, on the work site, in the boardroom. It gets a guy killed. And so you're asking him to do something that's scary to him. And if he's honest, he may say, I'm scared about money. I'm scared about having three kids in here and not knowing what to do. Or he may say, I'm a jerk. I don't want to be here. He won't say he's a jerk, but this is his way of leaving you.

[Michelle]

Yeah. And I know, like, partly it's from what we've talked about very little, because I try not to get super emotional. And why Just, like, shut the conversation down.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why do you do that?

[Michelle]

Because, I don't know. I constantly tell myself, oh, it's because I'm pregnant. But I know it could be because.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You love your husband, you don't want him to leave.

[Michelle]

And then he tells me, well, I want to get us a good foundation so we don't have to work. And when they're at the point where they go to school, we'll be having this income, and we'll be able to take them to school and not have to worry about money. And I'm like, okay, but what if it doesn't Work. And then I tell him that, and then he says, why are you, like, killing my dream? I'm like, I'm not trying to. I'm trying to be realistic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's not about killing a dream. It's just not a good time. If somebody else goes and starts this particular branch of this company that him and his partners are running, in two or three years, there will be multiple state opportunities there too. And you'll have three. Two, three year olds and you'll have a five year old. And then y'all can make some plans. I moved across the country with my 12 year old and she did great. I know that's nothing like moving a circus like you would be moving, but, like, you know what I mean? Like, you can do that, but right now it's just not a good time. But if you shut down every time you get emotional and blame pregnancy or blame like you, he needs to hear, I love you and I miss you.

[Michelle]

And I know I don't say that enough and I try and do that more, but it's a whole other thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Again, I. I'm. I'm trying it to be altruistic and think of the best motives for him. If you come back and you're like, no, he actually, he sucks. He's a terrible guy, then that's. That's a whole other thing. But I want you to spend some time writing down what it is. And it sounds so common sense, right? Me on the other side of this thing. I can be like, bro, you got to do X, Y and Z and all these things. Totally. But I want you to. To. He needs to hear you say, I need you. Is that Hollywood? No. Hollywood. He's just supposed to read your mind and know and have downloaded all the child care info and all that kind of stuff. I'm not trying to provide this guy a pass. Right. He's that interested in plumbing, he could get that interested in child raising. I know he could figure that stuff out. I'm just saying at home, he's trying to come up with other options down the road. And here's how I can love you guys. And if you say, actually, here's how you could love us right now, that becomes a compelling message other than, no, no, you can't do that because my guess is that'll send him running for the door even faster. Or maybe not. Maybe he'll just live in a dead in his own skin and blame you for the whole time. And that's resentment and we don't want that either. Yeah, not A good time. I'd love to talk to him, though. I want to find out if he's a great guy, like, like I'm hoping he is or if he's kind of a box of turds. But Kelly, I can see you just fuming over there. What are you thinking?

[Kelly]

I'm. I'm flabbergasted.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Flabbergast away. That at me or him?

[Kelly]

Him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

You a little bit.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Only because you're. You're being nicer than, than I. And I think the crew in here are. I just. You know. Yes. You know when you're holding that six month old and I get all that and tough crap.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

You can't run away. She's gonna have three children under nine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Months old, but you know what that means.

[Kelly]

No, actually I don't because I brought mine home older than that, so. No, I don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but you know, again, maybe. Am I, am I cr. Which one is right? Michelle, you can answer this. Am I, am I being too soft on this guy?

[Michelle]

I want to say no because I know him and he means totally well and trust me, so I think he's amazing. But it's just this one little thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, moving out for three years is a huge thing. It's not one little thing. I guess. Kelly, here, here's, here's the, here's the, the. The thing that catches me. I personally remember. Maybe I'm too biased for this call. I personally remember thinking, I don't know how to do this and I don't know how to do help my family at the office. And so I took another job and then another job and then another job and him circling back saying, I'm trying to set us up so in five years I can be with you guys fully. Which we all know that's not true. None of that is true. He's going to have. If he's successful and that successful, there'll be 54 more branches open across the country. Right. So that's not even true. But either he's lying or he is saying, okay, I want to be here all the time and if I just sacrifice right now and he just doesn't understand, you can't burn that time like.

[Kelly]

And I do get that. And I, and I, and I. I see that where he feels like that's the, the best thing that he can do. Just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's madness. Any rational person is madness to leave your wife for three years.

[Kelly]

Michelle, I'm totally team you here on this one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I am too.

[Kelly]

I just know that. That running is not the option.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't. Yeah, you can't. Not. Not the right time. Not the right time. I, Michelle, want instead. Again, instead of you saying no, I want to hear you ride out for yourself and for him. Here's why I need you here. And this might sound so absurd and so dumb, but he needs to hear. And not just tasks. Do you need to do diapers? You need to. It is. This is a marriage building moment. This is a before and after for your marriage. I see you and I need you and I want you here. And I know you don't think that you're providing things. You are. You're a critical piece. You're way more important than some stupid plumbing business. You're their dad. You're my husband. You're. You're the foundation of this home. I need you here, especially during these first few crazy years. Thanks for the call, Michelle. Give him that gift. And if he rubs your nose in it, call me back and I'll eat crow. And then we'll call him together. That'd be fun. But hopefully. Hopefully. Kelly is shaking her head at me.

[Victor]

You.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about cozy Earth. In my house, I would prefer to go to sleep somewhere just south of the Arctic Circle. I like it cold. And my wife, on the other hand, would prefer to sleep on the surface of the sun. We can't agree on temperature, but we can agree on how much we both love our cozy earth sheets. And I don't know how they do it. It's some kind of temperature jiu jitsu. But she stays comfortable on her side and I stay comfort comfortable on mine. And we're both happy. And it won't shock you to know that before I started learning more about betting, I just thought sheets were sheets were sheets. And I have come to learn not all sheets are created equal. There's a wide range of quality from my awful cheap old fitted sheet I slept on in college to masterfully crafted sheets created with softness, strength, temperature regulation and comfort throughout. And Cozy Earth is not just another bed sheet company. They make their sheets out of viscose from bamboo. You just have to experience how soft their sheets are to fully understand the difference. And remember, Cozy Earth Spring Into Comfort sale is happening right now with exclusive savings. For you watching or listening to the show, 40% off all products. That's 40% off. Visit cozyearth.com deloney and use code Deloney right now. That C o z y cozyearth.com DeLoney use code. DeLoney. All right, we're back. Hey, before we take the next call, listen, I missed the math on this huge whiff on my part. All right, you were doing the math. Kelly, what do we got on this last call here?

[Kelly]

Okay, well, we just figured out that if their infant is 6 months old right now and they're due with twins in May, that's three months from now. That means there's going to be nine months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That means there was some rocking onto the break of dawn. Like in the hospital.

[Kelly]

Yeah, or like the day they came home, which concerns me. That's a lot more for Michelle because. Because, whoa, that's not safe for her. And so I think I totally whiffed on that math. That lends to why I felt the way I did about him was because of this as well. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the math is different.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I hope judgy Janet over here.

[Kelly]

I know, and I normally don't get this worked up about him, but I just. That on top of everything else, I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It.

[Kelly]

It left a bad taste.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's where I wish we could get it back on the phone. We. We won't do it on this one, but I'd love to know the math on that.

[Kelly]

Michelle, if you're listening and we're wrong on the math, please, please tell me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We'll clarify it on the show. But yes, if. Oh, man, I whiffed on that one. There is signs in the hospital that says, like. Like, here's the deal. They have to give. Tell you to take time because you know somebody's tried.

[Kelly]

Oh, 100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Even the ones like no sex during the. Like. Like, while, like, somebody's in labor. Like, you know that those signs are up and those, like, because somebody has.

[Kelly]

Tried signs and warnings only happen after somebody's tried it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's astonishing to me.

[Kelly]

Yeah. Like when you read some stupid, like, you know, label about do not ingest. Yeah. It's because someone has done it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

God help us all. We're doomed. Let's go out to Carol, Iowa, and talk to Victor. What's up, Victor?

[Victor]

Hey, John. How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good, man. What's up?

[Victor]

Well, if you don't mind, I've got a thought about your conversation just now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, let it rip.

[Victor]

If my wife. If. If I tried to get anywhere, like, sidle up to my wife in any way in the first six months, she would have shot me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's because y'all are from Iowa. That's kind of the thing. But no, dude. Yeah, well, I don't know how this math works. Sheesh.

[Victor]

Yeah, no, you want to stay away from that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's up, man?

[Victor]

Anyway, well, on the subject of my.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Wife and being a mother, nice transition.

[Victor]

Yeah. My, my question is, how do I help her to stop mothering everybody that isn't her child?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about that. You're on dangerous thin eyes, homie. Like. Well, I'll walk up there a little bit. Okay, go for it.

[Victor]

Yeah, she's the one who brought it up. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Victor]

Conversation a little bit ago. But so long story short, when she was about 12, her dad had. Was having some serious, occasionally life threatening health issues. Her mom had a bad miscarriage and she became kind of pseudo mother. And she's the, she's the second oldest, but she's, she loves to cook. She bakes when she gets angry. So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That sounds awesome.

[Victor]

Well, it's great. Except that our kitchen is perpetually dirty at the moment, so I don't get. She's just angry with nowhere to vent. But yeah, she, she. Since 12 years old, she's been mother to her siblings and some of her extended family as well. I mean, her youngest aunt is I think, three years older.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So who is she over mothering now?

[Victor]

Well, she's trying really hard not to, but we've, we've got one of her younger brothers living with us. We had her older sister and her two boys living with us a short time ago, maybe a year ago. And it's, it's just the whole family is always talking to each other and so the opinions fly, the gossip flies. And she tries really hard to not put her opinions into everybody else's ear and remind herself that most of them are adults and they have their own lives and they have their own mother and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but when they move into your house.

[Victor]

Well, and when they move into our house. Her older sister was recently divorced, had a. What, seven years. No, eight and nine year old. And those two are bonkers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, here's the thing. I say it on the show all the time, and this is a perfect example of it. The things that your body and spirit and mind and nervous system did to survive as a kid will blow up your adult relationships.

[Victor]

Yeah, well, and, and that's, that's where.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Everybody else. Yeah, she has to decide, like, forget everybody else. Forget about his opinion. Forget everybody's anything. It is you and her. Ride or die. That is it. Yeah. And she has to choose two things. Number one, to be honest about what she wants and what she needs. And she probably is gonna have to practice that because she's never given herself permission. As a kid, she didn't have permission, but she's never given herself permission to ask that question. And you're gonna have to be a steadfast supporter in. You got to put your oxygen mask on first.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then the second thing is she's going to have to practice being uncomfortable saying no because she doesn't have a psychology for it. She doesn't have a wiring for it.

[Victor]

Yeah, well, she's, she learned somewhat. She's. There was a while she was bouncing around between relatives helping with babies because there's. For the last six years, there have been two or three babies across the family at a time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but tell me, like, let's, let's pause all. Well, how's your marriage?

[Victor]

Well, we're. At the moment, we're struggling. We've been married about three years. We've got a two year old and a nine month old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why are you struggling?

[Victor]

And. Well, a lot of it's, A lot of it's stress of work. I'm stressed out because I don't feel like we have enough. We, we have enough money for our bills and then a little despair. But to me, it doesn't feel like enough. And she's trying to, she's been trying to get me to understand that we do have enough.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Victor]

But our house is always disaster.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Both of you. That's it. Your house. You brought that up to what? Your house is a disaster. You don't, you don't think you have enough money. How's your, what's your sex and intimacy life like?

[Victor]

Pretty good, actually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome.

[Victor]

We were. We try to be very open with each other and I'm very much a physical touch guy. And so we try to be open with each other, but at the same time, I have a really. I've always had a hard time articulating what I'm feeling. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna.

[Victor]

I just don't have that toolbox.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I want to lean on you though that. You got it. You gotta, you got. That can't be a thing you sit on. That can't be a lawn chair. You lean back in. You got to go forward. And it might be writing it down and writing it down and writing it down until you can say, here's what I want. I want you. Here's what I need. How can I love you today? And then vice versa. But you all have to. Here's the thing, if she doesn't feel anchored at home, she's going to just default back to 12 year old her. A 12 year old. Her 12 year old. Her. Because that's what her nervous system know.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That, that neural wiring is already in place. And if she feels anchored and has a purpose and connected at her house, then she can have a chance to begin to practice these other things. But you all have to have a shared, a shared path moving forward, which is as for our house and you can be honest about, hey, I don't think we have enough. And she can say, we have plenty. And then the beauty about that conversation is it's a math problem. Right. And in my house it's a math problem. And I'm a little bit crazy on one end and my wife is a little bit open handed on the other end and we both make space for each other. It doesn't bother her one tiny bit to have a mortgage on a house that you're paying off with some speed. I can't sleep at night and I really want a deep freezer with like a year's worth of food in it. She's like, okay, whatever. Right. So we make some concessions for each. Each other because we're on the same team.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But almost always when I hear somebody defaulting back to their time when they were a kid, it's because their body recognizes I'm out of control again.

[Victor]

Yeah. Well, and growing up she had what, three, three generations within 100 square yards. Yeah. It just. There was grandma and grandpa and their kids and then each like there were three or four other families of the.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, again, you keep taking me, you keep taking me back. I want to come here.

[Victor]

Well, and that's the reason I bring that up, is she, in some of our hardest moments in the last couple of weeks even she is wondering, do we stay here in Iowa, do we move back to New Mexico or to Idaho where both of our families are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, now let's have that real question.

[Victor]

That we can be close for, for kids, like health of kids with grandparents and stuff like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you need to be able to say, I would love that for you. Like that's great and wonderful or that terrifies me and here's why. Otherwise you're going to end up moving across the country in a move that you don't think is good for her or your family or you, and you're going to resent her and the family or you're just going to keep plowing ahead and trying to make more money at work and she's going to resent you. You'll got to put that stuff on the table.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Her going back home to become a surrogate mother for all these kids is probably not a wise move right now with her own two kids and a young, very young, young, young marriage. But it also may be a place where she gets some help with the kids, too. Is she lonely?

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you?

[Victor]

That's one thing she said she's. I not sure how to answer that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you have guy friends that you hang out with?

[Victor]

No. Yeah, I want to. I. I've never had a. Never really had a gang, as it were.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would put that at the top, top, top of your priority list. And I'm telling you, as a fellow guy, it's the worst. I hate it.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But our bodies come home dysregulated, and our family absorbs our attention when we do that.

[Victor]

Yeah, I can absolutely see that in our boys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, dude, I invited my neighbor to a concert the other night. I gave him, like, two hours notice. He's got a toddler. Of course he couldn't make it. And I was like, oh, man. I was. I was embarrassingly nervous all day to text him. Me, me. I wrote the book on this. And I was like, man, I don't know, dude. What if the concert's weird? It's not good. It was so ridiculous. And you know what? It ended up being magic. A great, fun night. My buddy Brian Welch from KORN shows up. I mean, the whole thing was. Ended up getting off the rails. It was a blast. And because I was a chicken all day, I didn't give this guy enough time. Right. I'm still working through it. I tell you that to tell you there's amazing opportunities for connection on the other side of just being awkward and going first. This could be weird, man. But here's all the things I'm telling you. Like, I'm throwing a lot at you.

[Victor]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What matters the most is you and your wife decide. Let's clear the deck. What kind of home and marriage do we want to have? Because we get to build whatever we want. You have. You have bricks in your backpack from your childhood. Your wife has bricks in her backpack from her childhood. She's got automated default setting to run across the country and save everybody from themselves because she had to do that growing up. You've got your default settings, which is probably scarcity and not enough money. We got to work, got to work, got to work. And y'all need to sit down and say, okay, those things kept us safe and got us here, and we get to choose what happens next. And you saying, I just don't do that. Well, it's not my toolkit. You gotta get that toolkit. You gotta learn how to talk openly and directly with your wife. That's the way you can love her. Clear as kind, right? And her vice versa. And, and, and, and, and, and, and, and so I guess the, the answer is to, to how does she stop mothering? Is let's get her a place where she can anchor in with you. Anchor in in a way that she's never anchored in before. And by the way, her body tells her that you might die, you might leave, you might get sick. And so let's, let's honor that. Her body's not broken. It's just playing. Running a script that it already knows. I will be right here. How can I love you today? I'll be right here. What kind of marriage do we want to build? And we're going to build it, and we're going to build it, and we're going to build it. And it might include moving. It might include not moving. It might include one year of just you socking away a bunch of money in an emergency fund so that you can exhale some, and then you'll move across the country to New Mexico. Who knows what it ends up being? But it's going to start with y'all saying, as for our house, we're going to choose peace. And what does that even mean? Thank you so much for the call, brother. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. World. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. And Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way it's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Roumie of the Chosen, Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg. You'll be invited to participate in experiencing life. Change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's lint challenge for kids. It's called the Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family, as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided Prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through lint and beyond. Go check out [e-mail] DeLoney for three months for free. All right, we are back. This is the second time we're back because Kelly's not reading it. Read good. Go ahead, Kelly.

[Kelly]

I'm blaming it on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. The cough syrups. Yes.

[Kelly]

Because I've had the flu and I'm just back in the brain. Is still not 100 engaged. I'm not gonna lie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It always is. Otherwise, well, somebody's has to be 100% engaged. Yep.

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Sarah in California, and she writes, my husband and I have had a bit of a strained sex life on my end is due to lack of emotional intimacy. He knows this. On his end, he says he's tired of being rejected. I have made attempts to bridge the connection by reaching out in a sexual nature. For example, I got us a couple's sex adventure book. When I do these things, I am met with responses like, well, that's going to make a nice paperweight. This makes me feel rejected, and my efforts die there. Am I the problem for letting these comments get to me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No. Like, sex and rejection are so deeply intertwined. It's like, so personal. I mean, it's the ultimate. This is all of me. Do you still love me? And when somebody's like, hey, this is all of me, even underneath my skin, right? And I'm trying. And when somebody tries in a vulnerable state and it's met with, oh, that's stupid, dude, that cuts to the soul, man. Yeah, no, not at all. I would. I would be heartbroken. And I'm so sick of the. I'm tired of getting rejected all. We need another. We need some more language there, right? Because that's just trying to make somebody else's life all about you get some different language there, man. But, yeah, I. Yeah, she's. She has every reason to feel heartbroken. This is a conversation that needs to happen in. In the daytime, like over a breakfast, like, hey, we're not seeing each other eye to eye here. What needs to happen? And dude, what was the book?

[Kelly]

She just said it was a sex adventure booker book.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude, tell her to put the link in the show notes on that one. Love you guys. Bye.