My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show Episode: My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education
Release Date: March 24, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, hosted by the Ramsey Network, Dr. John Delony delves into real-life relationship and mental health challenges faced by listeners. The episode titled "My Wife and I Don’t Agree on Our Son’s Education" tackles the complexities of parental disagreements on homeschooling versus public schooling, supporting grieving friends while celebrating personal milestones, and navigating the emotional landscape of parenting without experiencing apparent joy.

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1. Navigating Educational Choices: Homeschooling vs. Public Schooling

Caller: Ben
Topic: Deciding whether to homeschool his two-year-old son, impacting preschool enrollment.

Discussion Highlights:

• Ben's Dilemma: Ben and his wife are at odds over homeschooling their son. Ben values the socialization benefits of public schooling, while his wife prefers the ease and cost-effectiveness of public education.

• Dr. John's Advice:

  • Flexibility in Decision-Making: Encourages making educational decisions year-by-year or even semester-by-semester to adapt to changing circumstances.
  • Focus on Family Values: Emphasizes identifying and anchoring decisions based on the family's core values rather than rigid educational pathways.
  • Adaptation in Modern Education: Highlights the shift from traditional feeder school systems to more dynamic and less predictable educational environments.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony [04:12]: "You do not have to have this figured out when your kid's three years old."
• Ben [05:38]: "I don't like the idea of pulling him out once he's in because they'll have friends by then."
• Dr. John Delony [07:44]: "Values force you to say, okay, who are we going to be?"

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2. Supporting Grieving Friends Amid Personal Milestones

Caller: Travis
Topic: Balancing support for a grieving best friend while celebrating personal achievements like buying a house.

Discussion Highlights:

• Travis's Struggle: After his best friend's husband died in a car accident three months ago, Travis finds himself emotionally torn between supporting her and sharing his own life milestones.

• Dr. John's Guidance:

  • Establish Boundaries: Encourages Travis to set clear boundaries to prevent emotional burnout while maintaining support for his friend.
  • Open Communication: Suggests being honest with his friend about his own feelings and seeking guidance on how best to support her without overstepping.
  • Avoid Becoming a Therapist: Advises Travis to support his friend without assuming the role of her therapist, allowing her to seek professional help if needed.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony [25:58]: “Tell me, how I can best love you.”
• Dr. John Delony [35:20]: "You're on the right path."

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3. Finding Joy in Parenting Amid Emotional Challenges

Caller: Heidi
Topic: Experiencing only negative emotions in parenting her three-year-old, lacking the joy others describe.

Discussion Highlights:

• Heidi's Concerns: Despite managing a good marriage and raising two children, Heidi struggles to feel joy in parenting, which contrasts with her wife's happiness derived from their children.

• Underlying Issues:

  • Past Trauma: Heidi shares that her mother died when she was eleven, leading to emotional shutdowns and difficulties in connecting with her current feelings.
  • Emotional Disconnection: Dr. John suggests that Heidi's emotional barriers may stem from unresolved grief and trauma from her childhood.

• Dr. John's Recommendations:

  • Therapeutic Intervention: Encourages Heidi to engage in therapy to address past traumas and reconnect with her emotions.
  • Mindful Practices: Suggests adopting practices that facilitate emotional expression and presence in daily interactions with her children.
  • Rebuilding Emotional Capacity: Emphasizes the importance of allowing herself to feel a range of emotions to enhance her parenting experience.

Notable Quotes:

• Dr. John Delony [47:20]: "That may be the greatest analogy for what's going on inside your chest I've ever heard somebody put on paper."
• Dr. John Delony [51:10]: “These are some of the hardest things ahead..."

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John Delony provides thoughtful and compassionate advice to listeners grappling with significant personal and relational challenges. Whether it's navigating the educational paths for their children, supporting friends through grief while maintaining personal growth, or overcoming deep-seated emotional barriers in parenting, Dr. John emphasizes the importance of aligning decisions with core family values, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking professional help when necessary. His insights aim to empower listeners to make informed and heartfelt choices that foster both personal well-being and harmonious relationships.

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Notable Exclusions:
This summary deliberately omits sections related to advertisements, non-content conversations, and humorous interludes to maintain focus on the episode's core discussions and insights.

Transcript

[Ben]

I'm trying to figure out how my wife and I can agree on whether or not to homeschool our son. He's two right now. And the reason we're talking about this is because it will determine whether he goes to preschool or not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We can talk about the merits and all that of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that. But what in the world's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show. Man, I hope you're doing well. Talking about your relationships, your mental and emotional health. I hope. I hope you're doing well. And on this show, here's the deal. I hope you're doing well, but I know for many of us, just a tough season, man, and things are hard and things are up and they're down and that's what the show is about, sitting with people, trying to figure out what's the next right move. I would love to have you on this show. So if you want to join us, man, give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask. And I feel like I got to sh out. There's this rad dude who came out in the lobby. It may be 4 degrees outside. It's February when we're recording this show. And he is just straight up like a gangster, wearing cargo pants, shorts, cargo shorts the way Limp Biscuit designed them. Well done, my brother. Well done. There's another guy here dressed respectable, like with a button up shirt, like he has a job and everything. But homies just straight up rocking cargoes and a dude man after my own heart. I got some new origin pants that are like four sizes too big. And I feel like I'm back in high school again. And it's. Everything in the world is right except for the way Kelly looks at me with disdain. All right, let's go out to Manchester and talk to Ben. What's up, Ben?

[Ben]

Hey, John. How are you, dude?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing great, brother. How are you, man?

[Ben]

Good. I want you to know that you do have friends in New Hampshire, and I am one of them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I've got one in New Hampshire that's fantastic. I used to teach high school geography and I don't know that I could point out New Hampshire on the map. That's embarrassing, Kelly. See, she goes with her judgy face. I don't. I know it's up there. I know it's up that away.

[Ben]

Yes. Yep, it is. And I also wanted to Say thank you. I know you get a lot of generalized thank yous, but I want to thank you specifically for the Carlos Whitaker interview and for telling people that holding your newborn may be different than the way people say it should feel. And my wife and I now have a joke that I've loved my son since the moment I knew he existed, but I didn't like him until he was about six months old.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. And you will probably not like him from the ages of 2 to 5. And then when he turns 14, like mine is, I'm already counting down the days. I'm already pretty sad that he's going to leave me in three years, so it's awesome.

[Ben]

Amazing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dawson, good for you, brother. Thanks. Thank you so much, man. I'm glad that you're with us, dude. So what's up? How can I help today?

[Heidi]

Yes.

[Ben]

So basically I'm trying to figure out how my wife and I can agree on whether or not to homeschool our son. He's two right now. And the reason we're talking about this is because it will determine whether he goes to preschool or not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why is that?

[Ben]

Because we figure do if he's going to be homeschooled, then we'll just keep him at home. Right now I work from home and take care of him throughout the day. So he's already at home. We don't do daycare or anything like that. So if he was going to public school, we'd put him in preschool next year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. We'll talk. We can talk about the merits and all that of homeschooling versus public school and private school. We can talk about all that. And I love that conversation. To my favorite things. But for you and all new parents like the way you and I grew up, which is you go to one school and then you just go to the feeder middle school and you go to the feeder high school, that world is over now.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to feel free to make a decision a year at a time.

[Ben]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sometimes even a semester at a time. It's just kind of a mess out there. It's the wild west right now. And so all I have to say is when you put pressure on yourself with a two year old, or let me put it this way, you and I both went to a schooling system that was if you're not in this class by third grade, you're not going to get into the other class by fifth grade. If you're not in that class, you're not going to get into honors math. If you're not honors math. You're not going to get into honors whatever in high school. And then you're not. Then you're just doomed to live under a bridge. Right? That's the world we grew up in. That world doesn't exist. Wild West. So you do what's best for you and your family this year and then you do. And yeah, you do its best next year. And obviously stability and friendship and community and all that will play into account. Right? And you want some consistency. You don't want moving every year kind of thing. But just take that pressure off yourselves. There is. You do not have to have this thing figured out when your kid's three years old, dude.

[Ben]

Yeah, well, and that's. That's kind of what we've talked about is even just starting in terms of the root of public school, meaning he goes to preschool, he goes to elementary school, and we just see where it goes from there. But I don't like the idea of pulling him out once he's in because they'll have friends by then. And that whole other aspect.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but he'll also have people who don't like him, which how dare they. Right? But it's a. It's a mixed bag, right? It just is. And by the way, you and I, I don't know about you specifically, I grew up in a world where almost nobody ever moved.

[Ben]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I remember my high school. I graduated. My high school class had just under. Right around a thousand people in the graduating class. Ish. It was huge. And when I sat down at graduation, I won't say her name, I'll say her first name. There's a girl named Laura that sat. Or she's a woman now, sat by me on one. I'd never seen the person on my right. I had no idea who that was. And I had not seen the woman on my left. Her name was Laura. I hadn't seen her since we sat by each other in kindergarten. Like in like the little Redbird row or the Bluebird row or, you know, where every status. And so nobody moved. Where I grew up, that's just not the case anymore. Everybody moves every two years, five years, three years. And so this idea that you have this static group and this. This like, gang that goes from grade to grade, it's just. It's just not the way it is much anymore.

[Ben]

Yeah, that makes. That makes a lot of sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So free yourselves from. We have to have this figured out at the age of three, all the way through 18. Like, bro, think about this. Fifteen years is pretty much three presidential elections from now, right? Dude, who even knows? Who even knows? Right? Who knows, man? So just free yourself from that.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's talk about public school versus homeschooling. What. What. What kind of discussions are y'all having?

[Ben]

So essentially, we're not worried about the education that he's going to get from public school. It's just more of. So I'm. My wife's coming from it on the side of it's easier, it's cheaper, and everyone does it in terms of public school. Whereas I'm coming from more of the side of we can get the socialization and pretty much all the pros of public school. We could do in a different way by homeschooling. And I don't know, I just see, you know, when you have a vision of 10 years down the road or five years down the road, the public school doesn't align with what vision we have for our family, I guess is the best way to put it. And she has the same vision, but she also thinks that public school is just easier. So let's do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. I think there's merit to both of those. So tell me about your picture. Like, when you think of your. Your kid, are you gonna have more than one?

[Ben]

Yes. Yeah, we're planning on having another one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Who knows? Yeah, everybody's got plans. Exactly.

[Ben]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the reason I ask is you're asking first parent questions, which I love. I just assumed that this was your first one. But you're asking very first parent question of like, should we. Should we disinfect the. The pacifier when our kid dropped it? We're googling if pacifiers are going to mess up their jawline. And then by your third kid, you're like, whatever, dude. Like, right. Who cares? But tell me about your picture. You imagine Your kid is 10. Let's pretend you have an 8 year old too, and a 6 year old. What. What is your picture in your head of, of. Of. Of a random Tuesday morning?

[Ben]

I would say, you know, getting up, having breakfast together as a family. Hopefully by then my wife won't be working, so she will be at home with us. So that I can just work from home and have from 8am till 1pm of actual homeschool learning and doing things more in a structure. And then from one to dinner time, going out and doing real world, whether it's hiking or going to an aquarium or somewhere else, just going out into the world with them and letting them experience things firsthand, I would say is what we are Thinking about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I guess what I would tell you is my wife and my daughter had breakfast together this morning. Me and my son had breakfast together this morning, and my daughter was under the weather a little bit. And yesterday, me and one kid went and did one thing for a while, and then we all had dinner together, and then me and my daughter had WWE for a while. And so I guess what I'm telling you is the. The very beginning of that and the ending of that is capable. You can do that no matter what schooling situation you're a part of.

[Ben]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ben]

Well, and I think this might be actually even more clear, like, to help you understand is like, I. You know, how you can run to something or from something.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Ben]

I see the lives of people that I know that have kids that are older, and it's like, all I know is I don't want that life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Ben]

And. And I don't know how much the schooling plays to that, but it's like the schedules that they have, the running around that they do. I'm like, oh, God, that's. That's us five, six, seven years from now, if that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It does. And I'm. I'm glad you're thinking this through right now. What I don't want you to do, as Brene Brown says, I don't want you to dress, rehearse tragedy. Okay.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yes, there is going to be more pressure, theoretically, in a private or public school that you drop your kids off, that all kids are going to violin, and from violin, they're going to soccer practice, and then every weekend is filled with horse riding and dancing and what? Like, there. There will be pressure to have that life. There will also be pressure to. In fifth grade, I think my kid was the only one, maybe one other one, who didn't have a smartphone in fifth grade, which is insane to me, but that it was what it was. Right. So those kind of things are real. I think homeschooling comes with another set of pressures. And so I think trying to not have pressure is better solved by saying, what are our values? And solving. Creating a world where those are present, meaning we will eat dinner as a family four or five nights a week, period, End of story. And that means that we'll get one. Every kid can do one thing, one instrument in one sport, and that's it. That's all we're doing. Y'all get to pick.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or I want every one of my kids to try jiu jitsu. One kid likes it, the other kids don't. Or I want all my kids to try soccer just because kids need to run around and one will love it, one will hate it. Like it's setting down those values first. And that's a cool thing to begin to work through right now because that's something y'all can practice now without being anxious or worrying about something that, that is going to come 10 years down the road. Because here's the other thing. Ten years ago, this is crazy to think 10 years ago I was 1, 2, 3 jobs from where I am right now.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ten years ago I was on call 24, 7, 365, five years ago I was on call every second of every day leading a team of, I don't know, 500 people like, and then now I'm a freaking YouTuber, right? So who, who knows what your life looks like in 10 years. I'd much rather you anchor to values like, this is just kind of who we are. We just don't do tons of busy stuff. We spend extra time with our kids. We. Every time you go hiking, even though it would be more efficient, you'd get a better workout, yada yada yada. I bring my kids with me when I go hiking. That's just gonna be who I am or when I like for me, hunting for four or five years, I knew I'm gonna get, I'm, I'm not gonna be as successful because I'm bringing my little, my kid with me. And now I've got an amazing fun hunting partner as a 14 year old, right? And so it's, it's, I'm going to make those concessions early on because I'm going to take my kids with me everywhere I possibly can. Those are the values to anchor into. And here's the thing I want you guys just to think through. Every family has different values, okay? For me and my wife, I could care less what the social yada yada yada, they're being taught in public school. And here's why. I do not believe in outsourcing my kids spiritual development to somebody else. That's my job. That's my wife's job. And for me and my wife, we want our kids to be exposed to all kinds of stuff. So they, when they have questions, they ask us. I don't want them being 18 or for some of the students I worked with at private faith based universities, 22 before they enter into a world where they're like, oh my gosh. And they have no psychology for it. And so what they do is they Go to Google or they ask their friends, or they ask Reddit. And so for me, in my house, the reason we've moved schools is all academics. I want my kids to be pushed really, really hard. And I have found in some public school settings that it's, it's, man, it's like two worksheets and a Khan Academy video. And it's. It's not. My kids aren't getting pushed. And so I moved them schools purely for academics, the social stuff. I feel like it's my job. And if the school's teaching them crazy things, those kids, awesome. I want, I want them to come ask me about that and then we can have that dialogue at my house. That's not for everybody. Other people are like, I don't even want those ideas in my kid's head. I, I'm fine with that, like, whatever. That's for you guys to think through. But I want you guys to be specific about what will homeschooling bring us? What will. There's something to be said for what your wife said. It is easier. You already pay for it. It's free. There's some built in communities for you, your wife, for the, the local kids. You know, there's buses, there's all kind of stuff for public schools. Great, man. And public schools have shifted and changed dramatically over the last 15 years. I had one, one guy told me, and I love the way he said it. He said wanting public schools to be like, I went to a giant public high school and it was essentially a college prep school. I'll put it up against any school in the country in terms of how hard it was academically, how much they pushed us, how hard the coaches pushed us in athletics. And that school doesn't exist anymore in public schools. It just doesn't. There's just been too much drama and too much watering down of everything. And so one guy said wanting public schools to be like they were 25, 30 years ago is like wanting gas to be a dollar again. It's just not right. And so it's just shifted and changed. But, but ask about the values you and your wife hold. And dude, I think this is just me. I think a local preschool trying it out, a half day preschool kind of thing, is a good way to feel how y'all feel, how your kids are feeling. Are they seen at school? Do you have teachers who are plugged in? There's amazing teachers everywhere and there's some duds out there, just like every job, right? And asking yourself, how does this work for our Family. I'll tell you, just you personally, if you're trying to work a full time job and be a full time present parent, that's got a very short shelf life to it either.

[Ben]

And that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'll crash and burn. You will not be where you are perfect. You won't be honoring your workplace by also trying to cram in a full time parent slash teacher role too.

[Ben]

Right, Right. Well, that's a, I work for myself and that's where it's like I work during his naps. So right now I want you to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Spend more time on your business than. Yeah. Than three hours a day.

[Ben]

Yeah. Right. And that's the problem is I would have a lot more time for taking on more clients and that would change everything at the same time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that's Right. So it's all a trade off. And it all comes back to you and your wife saying, values, values, values, values.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm a huge fan of at least one of the breadwinners in the house. One of the, hate that word, but one of the main earners in the house just going bananas in their 20s and early 30s.

[Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because the research tells me that that's expertise and that hard work and those connections and that networking and those skills you learn how hard you push yourself professionally. Getting trained, getting opportunities, saying yes to a lot of stuff, that's what guides your 30s and 40s and 50s.

[Ben]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's something to be said for. I'm gonna grind and grind and grind and grind and grind. And I'm still gonna get up early and have breakfast and I'm still going to stay up and do silly things with my kids and I'm just gonna be tired in my 20s. That's just kind of part of it. There's no such thing as balance, right? Right. There's no such thing as balance. And by the way, AI is going to screw it all up. All these things we're talking about. Who knows in five years what that's going to look like? So I, I, I love that you're thinking down the road. Amazing. Don't overstress about stuff 10 years from now because God help us. Who knows, dude? We might have a colony on Mars by then. Who knows? And we might all be driving 79 Fords because that's the last time they made a truck with a computer in it. And maybe that's all we got left. Right? Who knows, dude? But I do want you and your wife to spend time thinking about the values. As for our house, what do we want it to feel like in the evenings? What do we kind of relationship do we want to have with our kids and what's that going to cost us? You don't want your wife to work in five or 10 years. There's a, that's a math problem. How much money do you have to make for that to be true? What kind of house you're going to live in so that you can afford that kind of shift? What kind of cars are you going to not buy so that y'all can afford to do these things that you value? Values is a much harder conversation than just sitting around complaining about schools. Values force you to say, okay, who are we going to be? And I love that question for every couple, and I love every couple to do that every year too. Because values, you know, get stress tested and pushed and beliefs change. I love that. But dude, you're on the right path. And I'll just say this, man, you're, you're little two year old boy, he won the lottery getting you as his dad. That's awesome, man. Awesome that you're so invested thinking five, ten years down the road. Amazing. And yes, it's okay that you loved your kid, but you didn't really like him until he turned six months. That's fine. You're good to go, man. You're just in the right place. We'll be right back. Hey, good folks, let's talk about Helix. All right, do me a favor. Close your eyes to think about your mattress. Be honest. Is it lumpy and gross and weird and full of stains? And do you think about how comfortable your home mattress is every time you're out of town or staying in some hotel? You know it and I know it. Your entire life would be better if you had an amazing comfortable mattress that let you fall into deep, refreshing sleep all the time. It's time for you to check out the mattress that I sleep on. And my entire family sleeps on Helix. I want to tell you this. 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All right, let's talk about Delete Me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internet these days. I wish it wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I don't like it. Everything in my life and in your life takes place on the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of our things on the Internet. Now. It's just where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives take place on the Internet, somehow it's become normal to give away our email addresses and our phone numbers to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Delete me. I recently looked at my reports from my friends at Delete Me. Dude. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers who might have my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. 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[Travis]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. How are you?

[Travis]

I'm doing well, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Fantastic. What's going on?

[Travis]

Well, I'm looking for some advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Travis]

One of my. Well, okay. My question is, how do I support my grieving best friend while Celebrating my own accomplishments.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me more.

[Travis]

So a little bit of context. Me and my best friend, and like, her husband, my husband, we're more like brothers and sisters than best friends. And we had really similar short term, long term life goals. We're on track to reaching those goals soon, like buying a house, having kids. And then she called me one day screaming that her husband had just been killed in a car accident.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man.

[Travis]

And so we went through, you know, sat in the mud with her, got through those days, those weeks, those months. And now the hard thing is she, like, her life came to a screeching halt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Travis]

But me and my husband, we're still moving on. We're reaching those goals that we were going to reach, like, at the same time. And I feel stuck because I still sit in the mud with her and go through the hard times with her, talk on the phone whenever she needs me, and then I hang up with her and my husband's home, and then suddenly it's like, oh, hey, this is great. We just bought a house and we're reaching these goals. And I feel like I'm emotionally flip flopping a lot, and I'm just not sure how to continue to support her long term. Yeah, I guess that's kind of where I'm sitting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

1. Sorry about the loss of your friend, ma'am.

[Travis]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And actually sorry for the loss of both your friends because your best girlfriend is. She's a different woman now. Her life is different now.

[Travis]

Very.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's one of those. You had plans, right?

[Travis]

Lots of plans. Yeah, we. We were like, oh, we're those friends that we're going to build houses and have them, like, conjoin.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right, right.

[Travis]

Because, you know, we just want to live our lives together in a sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And it's fun to, like, dream about being old, fat, rocking chair people who. Yeah, I hate that for you, man. I'm sorry. Been there, been there, and I hate it. Hate it. So this is. This is hard the way I'm gonna say it, but I'm gonna be pretty direct. And if you and I were just sitting down, talking and we had a couple of hours, I'd be a little more gentle. Is that cool?

[Travis]

Yeah, that's fine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long ago was this wreck this happened?

[Travis]

I think three months ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The wreck happened three months ago. Okay. So I would tell you until year one is up, you don't. There's not even. The smoke hasn't even begun to clear after three months. The. The paperwork has died. Is. Is. Is done. The t's have been crossed and the eyes have been dotted, but grief hasn't even begun to. To. To begin to ebb. Not for you and your husband. Not especially not for her. My rule of thumb is no. In fact, I told somebody this morning in a personal phone call who's just experienced a pretty tragic loss. No decisions for six to nine months. No quitting jobs, no getting divorced, no selling houses, nothing for six to nine months. Just because you don't know what day it is, man. And so I. I'll tell you that, like, three months is. Is still. She's still waking up and reaching over the other side of the bed. Right?

[Travis]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she's still walking through the house on a relatively good day in a wave of grief. She'll find herself curled up in the. In a fetal position on the floor. Then you know where it came from. Right. And she calls you. There will be a transition time, and maybe it's now. Everybody does this differently, so there's not a right way. I love. Kessler says grief is like a fingerprint. It's uni. Everybody at some point in three months actually is pretty raw. Maybe in another month, maybe another two or three months. And you knowing your friend know is now's a good time or not a good time is you cannot become her therapist. You got to stay. You got to stay her friend. And for friends, there's a clarifying conversation that is some. Goes along something like this. It's similar to, you have a best friend who just went through pregnancy loss and you find out you're pregnant. Those conversations have to be had directly head on. Me and my husband are buying a house. We are going to start having a family or whatever the things are. And I want to honor you by. You set the gauge on what you can hear and not hear. But the greatest gift, Heidi, you can give for your friend is to be fully you and fully you is also grieving and also experiencing some pretty awesome personal moments.

[Travis]

Yeah, that was kind of hard for the first little while because I felt like I didn't know if I need to almost not hide it from her. But going through the worst part of her life, and I'm like, hey, we just bought our dream house.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's. That's exactly right.

[Travis]

Doesn't really seem like an appropriate thing to say. But then at the same time, sharing. Not sharing it with her also felt like I was betraying her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it feels like you're lying, right?

[Travis]

Limbo. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I think. I think there's a. I think I'm. I'M just a huge fan of putting it all on the table. Like, saying, I love you so much, and this is so weird. I don't know what to say. So I'm looking to you for how I can best love you. Like, I don't even. I can't wrap my head around being in your situation, and I will always be your friend. And also, we just bought this gigantic house and we'd love to have you over. And I don't know how to say it. And giving her permission to say, like, if you can't come over, I totally get it. And also if she's like, oh, my gosh, I need somebody in my life to be having something good happening. You get, you get what I'm saying? So I, I think putting on the table and saying, I want to love you, and I don't know how to do that right now. I'm going to look to you for guidance.

[Travis]

Okay, that. That's helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there's also. Here's the thing. That's a real thin line, because also the single most annoying thing that can happen to somebody who just got tragic news. Kelly and I've talked about this a lot, is they find themselves getting bombarded with how are you? Texts. And then they feel like they have to answer it in just the right way. So to not make anyone else have a bad day. And suddenly you find yourself having to take care of everybody in your life, and you're the one, like, you're the one hurting, right? And so there's that weird. I'm your best friend, so I'm going to keep showing up with meals, and I'm your best friend, so I'm just going to show up at your house, we're going to go for a walk, and I'm going to. I'm going to point blank, like, tell me, tell me what you miss about, you know, tell me what you miss about Mark. Tell me. I want to hear it. And her eyes might get real wide and be like, yeah, we're talking about it. Unless you don't want to. Like, so there's that. And then the other side of it is, I don't know how. I don't know your capacity for he hearing great news. And I don't know. I don't want to. I don't want to bomb you, and I just don't know what to do. Can you, can you help me? Give me some guidance. Do you get how there's a tension there?

[Travis]

I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I guess just get, get it out of your head. You're gonna say something stupid. You just are. All of us do. I do this. I just. For a living, and I still say stuff, and I'm like, oh, let me take that back. I didn't mean to say it like that. I still do that.

[Travis]

Well, I'm glad. I wouldn't be the only one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no. And I love that you're trying to get this. I. If I'm being honest, it sounds the. Those of us who are around the blast but aren't immediately affected in. In as profound a way, if that makes sense. Which sounds awful. This is one of your closest friends on the planet. But there's. There's concentric circles. Right. And she's at the very center of this thing.

[Travis]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's easy to quote, unquote, try to get back to the way things were.

[Travis]

Yeah. I think that's definitely where I was at first, in those first, like, weeks and months even. But then it was. At first I was like, I don't want to lose another friend. And like you said earlier, I had already lost her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Travis]

So. Coming to almost relearn who she is now and who she will become in the months and years and who you'll.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Become, because it would be wild if your husband isn't five minutes late and your heart rate goes up 10 beats a second. Like 10 beats a minute.

[Travis]

100 every time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Every time.

[Travis]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you see his phone is. Is like, he's supposed to be home at 6 from work, and he calls at 6:05. And you grab that phone really aggressively, like, you're different now.

[Travis]

That's true. I hadn't thought about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's just metabolizing it. Everything in your life is different because you now know how precious it is. And you look at that, at your big, handsome, tough, mustached husband. I don't know. I just made up a whole caricature. Who knows? But you look at him, and you now have a. Like, in your nervous system, you know, deeply inside your body. Any second, he could go away. And that changes how you grief. That changes how you guys fight and how you. How you repair it, how you make up. Right. How you make sure you tell each other you love each other before you go. And so there's something to be said for you and him getting on the same page too. Like, hey, this is three months after you lost your best friend on the planet. Tell me what. Tell me how you're. How we're doing. How are you doing? What are you noticing about yourself? The big things. The Little things. You be honest. Every time you leave and get in the car, I catch my breath. And that's just how a couple grieves together. Y'all gonna grieve at different paces. And he might be like, I'm fine. I'm good. You're not. You're not fine. You lost your best friend 90 days ago. Right. But everybody just does it different. But, yeah, for her, three months. Yeah, she's. She's just getting started, unfortunately.

[Travis]

Yeah, it's. There's, you know, the grief and there's a lot of other factors. Like, you know, he didn't have life insurance and debts and all those things that came tumbling down and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Travis]

Yeah, it's just. It's a lot.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's a lot. And being able to tell her, I love you. You can always call me. Um, I'll go with you to your first counseling appointment, but I can't be your therapist. I'll direct you to our money manager person or, you know, the smartvestor I use or whatever. Like, I'll point you to that. But I can't make your money decisions for you. And that's really a hard conversation, but that's also a blessing. And she might say, well, then screw you. I don't want you to call me anymore. And she gets to do that for a season two because she's just a raw, exposed nerve.

[Travis]

Yeah, that would be more than fair. I could understand that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And you. And you can say like, all right, you don't have to talk to me right now, but I love you and I'm gonna call you again. Call me. I'll call you till you block me, and then I'll probably kill you. Still keep calling. You can still keep showing up at your house until you tell me, do not come here. Right. And it usually doesn't get there, but it's just. Expect the swings and expect the hard stuff. It's just. It's just awful, man. I'm sorry.

[Travis]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I'll tell you this, man, being a friend that's trying to get it right, and being a friend who's. I just love your spirit, I guess. I mean, it's easy to be like, why can't she be happy for me? Like, you acknowledge her whole world's over and she's just sitting in the ash of what once was, trying to just like, pick up half burned photograph to see if it still looks right. You know what I mean? Like, it's just trying to figure out all 10 fingers and 10 toes kind of thing for her, and it will be that way for some time. And so you setting the boundary and just putting on the table, I don't know. I don't know. But I want to love you. I don't want to be here. And you let me know what you can handle. By the way, she might be like, I want to hear about all the good stuff. I can't wait to hear. And then you start telling her, okay, we just bought our dream house. It's this big. It's amazing. It's the one we looked at. And then you'll hear the other phone just go numb, silent. That's okay. Or she plans to come over to your new house and, like, look all around and, like, help you decorate a room. And then five minutes before she calls and says, I can't do it today, that's when you exhale and give her grace and say, I totally get it. Love you. Let's put another day on the calendar, right? It's just going to be that sort of rhythm and you having the courage to say, well, I'm going to stop you right there. I can't be your therapist on this one, but I'll with you on the first meeting and you letting her know I love you and here's my boundaries. It's awesome. She's lucky to have you. Thanks for the call, Heidi. We'll be right back. Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially L, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter and Lent, is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things. And they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering, prayer and meditation. And right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. And throughout the way, you'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Roumie of the Chosen, Chris Pratt and Mark Wahlberg. And you'll also be invited to participate in experiencing life Change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's lint challenge for kids. It's called the Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family. And y'all will follow along with two kids learning how to live out gratitude every single day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditations, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through Lent and beyond. Go check out [e-mail] DeLoney for three free months. That's Hallow. H a l l o w.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Travis. Hey, Travis. What's up, man?

[Heidi]

Hey, Dr. John. How's it going?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Doing great, brother. How are you, man?

[Heidi]

I am good on paper.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ooh. Tell me more about that.

[Heidi]

So I have two kids and I seem to be able to experience all of the sort of negative emotions of parenting over exhaustion, frustration, fear, responsibility. But I have yet to experience the real highs of parenting that other people talk about, sort of, you know, the joy that fills them up. And so I'm three years in and I'm. I'm starting to get concerned.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So just as a guy who's been a parent for a long time, everyone's lying to you. You're just now figuring out that lie? There's no joy. There's no joy in parenthood. I'm just playing, man. So you have a three year old and a. And how old?

[Heidi]

Eight months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Eight months. Tell me about them boy, girl names. Tell me about. Don't give me their names. That's fine. But boy, girl. Tell me about them couple of boys. Okay.

[Heidi]

And they are both great. The first one was definitely a tougher baby, but, you know, I don't know if that was part of just becoming a new parent, but I think he was just a bit more tricky. Second one has been pretty good. Right. Like, that's why I said good on paper. Right. I don't really have a lot to complain about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How's your marriage, man?

[Heidi]

It's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, this is a. Tell me about it.

[Ben]

It is.

[Heidi]

So. But the. I guess part of why it concerns me so much is that my wife derives so much joy from the children.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

And it's hard for her to see me not sharing in that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right, let's put a pin in that. Tell me about growing up. Ma'am, where did you grow up telling about your folks?

[Heidi]

I grew up right here in the Valley. I grew up in a fairly religious household.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that a good thing or not a good thing?

[Heidi]

It's a complicated thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. All right.

[Heidi]

Let's put it this way. I'm not religious anymore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right.

[Heidi]

My. My mother passed away when I was 11.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heidi]

The. I sort of have like a very much older sister. There's like a big Gap to my older sister and me. So she's been more kind of like an aunt in my life. And then I have one younger sister who's closer in age.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You didn't mention your dad. Where's your old man?

[Heidi]

He's still around. He's still, like, very helpful. He, you know, he is the guy that I can call at any time and he will show up, no questions asked, if there's sort of a problem. Like, but he, there's never been like strong, like emotional conversations, if that makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely right.

[Heidi]

Like, he. Very stoic, very helpful, very wise. But it's almost like he's. He's being the arbitrator, being the therapist. Like, he's listening, he's taking it in, he's offering some advice. But like, sometimes I feel like I don't know, like what he actually thinks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And in. To his. Not to his credit, but to his defense, his generation was told, yeah, if a man lets anybody behind that iron curtain, you're a coward, you're weak, you're a failure. Yeah.

[Heidi]

And you are meant to be the pillar. You are meant to be the rock upon which everything is built on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. And the lie was the rock is. It's not like in Japan. The architecture is designed for these gigantic, powerful, strong buildings to, to be very, very flexible, to absorb earthquakes. That's not how these men were told strength was. They were told, you will be on an anchored foundation, which means when there's a earthquake, it falls over and it can never be put back. Right. I heard one man say, I feel like if I start crying, I will never stop. Right. And my guess is that's probably old, man. How'd your mom die?

[Heidi]

She passed away from breast cancer that spread.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Take me back to 11 year old Travis. What was that like? What was like 10 year old Travis?

[Ben]

I was pretty all over the place.

[Heidi]

I was pretty wild. I, you know, I was. Was probably a pretty annoying child to a lot of people. But like I was, I was a big bundle of joy. Like I had, I had fun all the time. That's all I was looking for was fun.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when did you find out mom got sick? How long was. How long was she sick before she passed away?

[Heidi]

It was about two years from when she told us to. When she passed away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, and so you just had a ringside seat from 9 to 10 to 11 of watching your mom slowly fade out.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I can't imagine any more powerless feeling than being nine years old. Being 10 years old and watching mom slip through your hand like sand at a beach.

[Heidi]

I, I mostly just didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Heidi]

Like, I, I remember. I, I just, like, I think I went to a friend's house that day. Like, I just didn't want to acknowledge it. I just left. I just continued on my way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Have you let your 11 year old self off the hook for that?

[Heidi]

I, I did when I, when I was in my 20s. I think I finally just like let go of the guilt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Heidi]

I felt like I hadn't, you know, I hadn't treated her right up until she, she died, but like I was 10, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, there you go. Yeah.

[Heidi]

Took it took, you know, over a decade, but I think I finally got. I don't feel guilt when I think about it now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good. Aw. And that's healing, right? You can think back and be like, man, I wish when I was 11, right, I, A, hadn't peed in my neighbor's flower bed and B, I wish I had had the right words to say for my mother who was terminally ill. Right. I mean, like, you can think about that, but it doesn't overwhelm you. Is that, is that right?

[Heidi]

Yeah, that, that's right. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm shooting in the dark here, man, because this is one of those situations. You and I could talk for a couple of hours, man, I would, I. You sound like somebody I would love just to sit and be quiet and listen because it sounds like you've got a pretty powerful story. Just your life has been pretty, pretty rich. My guess here is that at some point along the way, your body put some GPS pins in feeling. They did, because if you feel anything, that level of pain can get you again. So your body's way of taking care of you was just to shut the entire system down. And you may have got enough from your dad about, hey, you still got to go do the next right thing. So you got good grades, you got married, you're good at your job, you had two kids, but your entire, the, what I would call the other 90 of your life, which is the perceiving and the feeling and the emotions, the good stuff and the painful stuff. That system is off and disconnected because 10 year olds aren't supposed to bury their mothers.

[Heidi]

Can I recontextualize a little bit of that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Absolutely. I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall, dude.

[Heidi]

I almost feel like it's the opposite. And the, the time when my body shut down had like, nothing to do with, like, where I'm at now with like my kids.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Heidi]

I'm I don't think I'm very good at my job. It took me like seven years to get through college. I had to get married. Right. I'm a fiscally responsible person. Like, we're set. Right. There's not stressors there. But when my body, like when I noticed that like I kind of changed fundamentally was in college, I was really, really miserable, comparing myself to like my fellow high school mates and my wife who were all doing really amazing in college. And I was just kind of struggling and floundering. And then at the time I thought like, oh, you know, I have, I've. I've conquered it. I don't feel bad anymore. But looking back, I feel like I have fundamentally changed since then. Where, like, I don't, I just don't feel that's it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's fair. So I was half right.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so you actually added a more complex layer to it, which is we're not going to feel. And cognitively that 10%, you think you're a failure.

[Heidi]

Yeah. But I seem to only care when, like people look like I. I have a therapist. And the way I describe it is like, I kind of have this ramshackle house. There's stuff in the gutters, the lawn needs to be mowed.

[Ben]

Right.

[Heidi]

Like, I could probably use a pressure wash. And like, I don't mind it. It's like, okay with me. But I don't like when people look. I don't want to have them over.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That may be the greatest analogy for what's going on inside your chest I've ever heard somebody put on paper. You just described what's going on inside your guts, dude, not on your yard. And here's the scary thing about a three year old. They can see right damn through you.

[Heidi]

Man. I hope not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I promise you they can. And here's how it comes out. You'll have a three year old that either really wants to hug you because somehow, and I don't know how they know this, they know that that's their job because you make dad okay. Or they learn really fast that the greatest gift they can provide to dad is to just kind of be out of the way. And at the same time, they can't physically be out of the way because they're three and everything in their body is saying, go towards, go towards, go towards. My guess is your wife is not frustrated about. I can't believe you're not enjoying this. She feels the electricity.

[Heidi]

Yeah, it's kind of both. I. I feel like I am a good dad. I Feel like I do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know you are.

[Heidi]

The things that I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You go through the motions in. In an amazing way for someone who's been through what you've been through.

[Heidi]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I think it's what I think he was. Is it Brene Brown? Also, she said the sucky thing about, like, psychotropic medication is that joy and pain are on the same switch.

[Heidi]

That's a scary thought.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It is. That's what. I can turn your hurt off, but I'm going to turn off the highs, too. I'm gonna turn off the good stuff. I'm gonna turn off the. We're not having sex. We're just sitting by my wife watching tv and we watch an old episode of Matlock and it's super lame. And my heart rate just goes down another 10 beats a minute because I'm at peace. Joy, Right?

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's getting fired and being pissed off or being frustrated, but not thinking I'm a pathetic loser. And see, I told you so. I think that. I think the path forward, brother, is a. Don't beat yourself up for looking at a 3 and a 1 year old and being like. Right. Like you're not crazy. That's a hard season. That's a house. That's messy.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if it is a mess, if connection has been purely through sex, which is very common for guys in your situation, of course, that diminishes a lot with two kids under three running around the house. If you are now opening up your eyes and it's kind of like in retrospect, and you're feeling and seeing. I haven't really felt anything for a long time.

[Heidi]

Mm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm great at going through the motions. The practice for you and your counselor is not just to sit there and talk about and talk about and talk about what happened. But I want to begin to practice feeling good stuff, anxious stuff, scary stuff, bad stuff. Here's some ways you do that. It's stuff I talk about on the show a lot, but I don't go into all the clinical detail just because I don't want to bore people. But that's why I have people write a letter and read it to somebody else, because I want you to feel that stuff that's still there. That's why I want people to have somebody they can call and say, hey, I just got promoted. And there's nowhere in our modern ecology that allows us to share good news because everyone goes, oh, it must be nice, or, oh, it's just because of. And they insert some privileged position or Whatever. There's no place to celebrate.

[Heidi]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But for you, you're gonna have to tiptoe your body into being able to feel again because it knows. Dude, we, we did, we, we buried our mom and we were 11.

[Heidi]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't ever want to feel that again. And I don't know, dude, kids have a very refining fire way of seeing right through you. But I, I, I would sit down with you. I think the place to start would be to sit down with the therapist. I'm so proud of you for going, man. But to sit down and begin to practice. I want to begin walking towards how do I feel stuff. And there will be a mindful practice there. I'm going to send you my book, Building a Non Anxious Life just as a gift. This isn't about anxiety, but it is about presence. It's about how do I become okay in my own skin and what are some practices I can do. And good for you. You've tried to solve it fiscally, you've tried to solve it in these other ways and I get that. My guess is you've probably forgiven your 10 year old self. But now we got to let that 10 year old actually absorb what happened. And we gotta do some pretty intentional things to let that 10 year old cycle through your body and let him go play. Because 10 year olds are supposed to be out playing men, not burying their moms. And yes it is. There's a story that people are told like when you have a three year old, it's the greatest. Three is kind of the worst. It's hard. And then having a one year old that's, and having a spouse that's like this is the best. And you're just like, it's not the best. And then you get into that cycle of I knew I was a loser, I knew I couldn't do this thing right. I and home becomes a failure factory. And it just goes in a long line of this is why we don't feel anything. And unfortunately that means shutting off all the good stuff too. So I guess in a weird way, I hate to tell you this, but you're on the path. You're on the right path, dude. And I think now you're going to be like, dude, there's hard work ahead. There's the hardest work ahead. I guess what I would tell you is somebody who sat on the other side of that switch, I'm just not going to feel anything. Dude, there is peace on the other side, but you got to go through it. So sit down with your therapist the next time you're in there and say, all right, it's game time. Now, we've been talking, we've been circling. I'm gonna learn how to feel and turn those switches back on, and it's going to be an avalanche of electricity. And with your therapist, they can help you hold on through it. It's gonna be like Star Wars Wars 3, right? The Empire Strikes Back when, like, guy's electrocuting. When the emperor is electrocuting the guy. Darth Vader, and he still does the right, you know, does the right thing. It's going to be like that. And that's why you have a good therapist to sit with you. It's going to be tough. Blessings to your brother. Thank you for the call. Hang on the line. I'll get you hooked up with that book. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. Here's the deal. The modern world exposes us to things that were unheard of until just a few decades ago. And I don't mean all the TikTok dances and the cat videos or the AI influencers. I'm talking about the screens in our homes and in our offices and the fluorescent lights and the EMFs, these things that can affect our mood, our sleep, our anxiety and more. And that's why I'm so excited to partner with Bon Charge, a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use Bon Charge products all the time, literally every single day, and I love them. I used them this morning when I was working out, and here's why. You'll love them, too. Studies show that red light therapy can boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. It can also help your recovery from aches and pains and transform your skin and even help with cellulite and stretch marks. My red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat and more have become a cornerstone of my health and wellness routine. I use them all the time. You can also check out Bon Charge's other amazing products like blue light glasses, EMF protection products, infrared sauna blankets, and 100 blackout sleep masks. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A r g e boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, we are back. We have something cool that happened, but Keeler, who is the president of the Ramsey Chess Club, was just foaming at the mouth here. What did I say, did I say something wrong? Yeah.

[Ben]

It was Return of the Jedi, not Empire.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man. Nerds unite. Congratulations. You can always count on Keeler in your corner. What was it? Return of the Jedi. That's the Bubba Fett one. Look at that. Bobo. I think three of our listeners just wrecked their cars in rage and protest.

[Ben]

Boba Fett.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Boba.

[Ben]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Isn't that like a T? Like the. Like with the little gushy things at the bottom? Yes.

[E]

But Bubba Fett, that's a different person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bubba Fett's from Alabama.

[E]

He's from Alabama.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[E]

Totally different person.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bubba Fett is the cousin. Yeah.

[E]

And he may be a bounty hunter.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

As well, but he. But it's for people who took the cows.

[E]

Yeah, it's very different. Bubba for meth dealers.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's. That's right. Buba Fett gets the suit of head. Boba Fett gets Skywalkers.

[E]

I guess Han Solo.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, just stop. All right. Something cool happened. What? I love that you know too, Kelly.

[E]

I do. I was not. This conversation is what was cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But first she does listen across the back of her neck, underneath her. Her tattoo of the barcode that she has across the back of her neck underneath it, it says I love Jedis. Go ahead.

[E]

I mean that. I don't have one, but that. I mean, if I was going to put, you know, Jedi's are pretty cool. So I'm good with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, go ahead.

[E]

We need some more especially cool crap that happened A lot of. Am I the problems?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y'all.

[E]

Y'all got problems. Nope. No question about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They got problems and they don't want it to be them.

[E]

They want it to be other people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[E]

That's right. But we need some cool crap that happens. So I know I tell you all the email I'm in. If you could go to ask john.com and. Or to john deloney.com/ask.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's just producing the crap out of the show, everybody. She's amazing.

[E]

Really? Really.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

John Deloney.com/ask.

[E]

Yes, if you'll go to that and put it in at the top of the question. Put, you know, cool crap that happened or cct. That is the best way for those to get to us. And I would really appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, cool.

[E]

So this is from Amanda. Now this one came in at the end of last year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[E]

So keep that in mind. She said. My husband and I separated this past March. My daughter was 11 at the time and I had not yet found your podcast. Fast forward and now I found your podcast and I heard you talk about dates with your kids and decided to try it. This past September, every Thursday I pick up my daughter for school and we've been going on dates. I wasn't sure she sure if she would enjoy it or value it at first, but it's turned into the highlight of our week. We've already gone through the questions for humans, for parents and kids, parents and teens that are currently going through the Thanksgiving deck. We drew the question about what we want to be grateful for in the next year. This morphed into an hour long discussion with my now 13 year old. We have been continuing to discuss how we can implement these things today that will create gratitude in one year. We're planning a special day to map out our goals for the upcoming year. I love how these cards can be super fun and silly and can also be super deep. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dang, dude. Good on her, dude. Separations with teens are brutal. They're brutal for everybody, but with teens it's very, very tough, man. So good on her, man. That's amazing. Taking that extra step. I think it would be awesome if you showed that level of intentionality towards me. Kelly.

[E]

Seriously.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, I think we're good. I think you're all intentional up.

[E]

How about like if you came to a meeting I scheduled or.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey everybody, thanks for listening so much to the show.

[E]

Great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Super grateful for you.

[E]

Try to be attention, stay in school.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don'T do drugs, be nice to your co workers for God's sakes. And get more tattoos. Just don't get Star wars ones because Kelly's got most of the weird designs. Peace out.