My Wife Had an Affair While I Was in Recovery

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show
Episode Title: My Wife Had an Affair While I Was in Recovery
Date: April 3, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

This episode centers around callers grappling with trust, recovery, forgiveness, and the struggle to rebuild relationships after betrayal or difficult life events. Dr. John Delony offers practical and emotionally intelligent strategies for both personal growth and relational healing, focusing on three large calls:

1. James (Vancouver, BC): Recovering from a gambling addiction, seeking to rebuild trust with his wife after discovering her affair.
2. Fabian (Ottawa, ON): Business owner struggling with procrastination, self-worth, and fulfillment despite professional and personal success.
3. Ross (Nashville, TN): Wrestling with concerns about his aging parents' increasing isolation and estrangement from their social circle.

The episode is infused with Delony's signature mix of directness and empathy, highlighted by memorable, actionable advice and candid dialogue.

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1. James: Rebuilding Trust After Betrayal and Recovery

Segment: 00:05 – 11:14

Key Discussion Points

• James' Story:
  • Seven years free from a gambling addiction.
  • Discovered his wife’s infidelity during early recovery.
  • Both stayed together but have avoided deep relational work; trust hasn't been actively rebuilt.
  • James is hesitant to confront the issues, fearing disruption or rejection.

Insights & Practical Guidance

• Why Now?

  • James credits listening to Dr. Delony for motivating action. He's begun self-reflection through journaling but his wife's lack of engagement left him hurt.

• The Need for Vulnerable Reboot:

  • Dr. Delony urges a courageous, “clear the deck” conversation:

    "The only path forward…is to clear the deck and say we need to build a brand new marriage. Are you in?" (03:43)

  • This involves jointly drawing “architectural blueprints and renderings of what our new marriage is going to look like”—new ways of communicating, handling conflict, sex, money, safety, and trust.

• Mutual Safety and Trust:

  • Both have been living a “lifeless, surface-level marriage,” but “the cool thing is y’all could choose something else.” (04:35)
  • Safety and trust must be practiced:

    “It's saying, here’s what I want, here’s what I like, here’s what I need. Are you in?” (05:16)

• James’ Fears:

  • Afraid wife will leave if he initiates change.
  • Dr. Delony’s gut-punch:

    “She’s already gone.” (06:21)

    • Emphasizing that their current disconnection is an absence of true partnership.

• Self-worth and Forgiveness:

  • Dr. Delony probes whether James subconsciously believes he deserved betrayal due to his addiction history:

    “Somehow you believe you are worth getting cheated on.” (07:40)

  • You can’t simply “think your way into liking yourself.”

    “You become somebody that you like because you’re a person who does things that are likable.” (08:06)

• Ultimate Challenge:

  • James is encouraged to risk the tough conversation, co-create a new marriage, and let the outcome—whatever it is—be honest and final:

    “If nothing else, you have dredged the old Mississippi and the bodies have finally come to the surface... The middle ground is killing you.” (10:02)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On the risk of honesty:

  “Are you willing to risk putting that on the table? And she might say, I want to be done with the show altogether. Or she might say, thank God, I'm in.” (06:42)

• On rebuilding:

  "Let's put this stuff on, on the table. Let's find our path back to each other. Let's get in the same boat and row in one direction." (11:10)

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2. Fabian: Procrastination, Self-Worth, and "Numbing"

Segment: 14:25 – 33:03

Key Discussion Points

• Fabian’s Challenge:
  • Business owner with declining day-to-day engagement due to leadership delegation.
  • Procrastinates with games and distractions, struggles with self-discipline, negative self-talk, and feelings of “deadness inside” despite life’s apparent blessings.
  • Recognizes impact on work reliability and family, but feels stuck.

Insights & Guidance

• Root Causes:

  • Dr. Delony normalizes Fabian’s feelings—having "everything on paper" but feeling unfulfilled is common.
  • Links chronic procrastination and self-loathing to potential childhood loneliness (strict/religious upbringing, homeschooled, low peer support).

• Breaking the Cycle:

  “The damning thing is those things just confirm the original story that started all this, which is you're not good at what you do and you're pretty much unlovable.” (23:08)

  • Delony explains the recursive loop: negative self-talk → negative self-action → more negative self-talk.

• Action and Accountability:

  • Take action before you understand:

    “I want you to take action. Are you in?” (25:09)

    • Build evidence that contradicts negative core beliefs.
  • Massive hurdles for bad habits:

    “Delete every game off your phone…make it insanely hard for you to do these things that are sucking your time and your soul from you.” (26:27)

• Small, Repeatable Changes:

  • Place physical reminders (exercise gear, chore lists).
  • Love letter to your wife and sons: proactive gratitude.
  • Create micro-rewards for work progress.
  • Accountability partners.
  • Write a letter to “54-year-old you” with promises for future well-being.

    “Read it to your wife…a love letter to your 54-year-old self about the things you’re going to do right now.” (31:13)

• Therapy and Professional Help:

  • Glad Fabian is seeing a counselor; might need in-person support for deeper work.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On trapped potential:

  “You feel dead in your own skin. Why?” (19:59)

• On changing self-story:

  "What if you’re wrong on that, Chief? What if you’re a pretty great husband?...What if you’re a good dad?" (25:09)

• On breaking numbing loops:

  “I have to feel the discomfort of boredom and of the life I’ve created that I took away all my off ramps for numbing devices.” (32:30)

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3. Ross: Supporting Parents Through Social Isolation

Segment: 35:05 – 47:51

Key Discussion Points

• Ross' Situation:
  • Parents (late middle-aged) have systematically cut off friends, church, and community—now only regularly socialize with Ross and his wife.
  • He feels responsible for their social and emotional well-being but is wary of coming across as critical or judgmental.

Insights & Guidance

• Assessing the Relationship Dynamics:

  • Ross’ parents are emotionally driven, less capable of deep conversation; conversations about emotional or personal struggle are not the family norm.

• How to Approach the Conversation:

  • Frame the talk as care and concern, not self-interest:

    “The conversation always has to be a care and concern conversation, not a ‘here’s how it affects me’ conversation.” (39:05)

  • Be transparent—lead with your possible awkwardness or directness to avoid misunderstanding.
  • Use open-ended “wisdom” questions:

    “How have you and mom navigated having friends?...I see that y’all have had friends over the years, but y’all end up cutting them off…” (41:13)

• On Guilt vs. Responsibility:

  • Drawing from psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy, Delony redefines guilt:

    “Guilt is our body’s response to our violation of our own core values…What most of us call guilt is somebody we care about has uncomfortable feelings, and we want to take them from them and try to solve them for them.” (42:38)

  • Ross isn’t responsible for choices parents have made; can care without carrying.

• Boundaries:

  • If conversation doesn’t go well, Ross may need to create boundaries to protect his own marriage and time.
  • Only intervene if he genuinely believes his parents are doing themselves harm—must weigh competing values of intervention and respecting their space.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On challenging parental isolation:

  “All of the aging data says relationships into later years is one of the most, if not the most important thing, except for sleep.” (39:05)

• On taking emotional responsibility:

  “I'm just not gonna—I can't carry your stuff too. I got enough of my own.” (44:58)

• On feeling conflicted about values:

  “It’s way easier to make your kids do something. It’s way harder for you to do it.” (47:12)

---

4. Rapid Fire/Summary: Relationship Q&A

Segment: 49:42 – 52:10

Notable Excerpt

• Clara (written-in): Wants to know if it’s wrong to go on a date while harboring hope to reunite with her ex who’s finally started therapy.
  • Delony & Kelly:
    • Give her blessing; dating isn’t a betrayal of anyone’s progress or relationship status.
    • Key message: “Go on the date. And a date is not a promissory note.” (51:17)

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Key Timestamps

• James (Rebuilding Trust): 00:05–11:14
• Fabian (Procrastination/Self-worth): 14:25–33:03
• Ross (Parent Isolation): 35:05–47:51
• Clara (Dating & Hope): 49:42–52:10

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Memorable Quotes

• On facing marriage stasis:

  “The facade of your marriage is a puppet show. The question is, do you want it to be different?” — Dr. John Delony (06:42)

• On practicing safety/trust:

  “Safety and trust are things you practice...allowing yourself to be seen and known.” — Dr. John Delony (05:16)

• On self-worth:

  "You become confident after repeatedly doing a thing to the point where you have some sort of mastery over it." — Dr. John Delony (08:06)

• On healing from guilt:

  “What most of us call guilt is somebody we care about has uncomfortable feelings, and we want to take them from them." — Dr. John Delony (42:38)

• On boundaries with family:

  “I can't carry your stuff too. I got enough of my own.” — Dr. John Delony (44:58)

---

Tone & Style

Dr. Delony’s responses are empathetic, practical, and unflinchingly honest. He gently urges callers toward radical self-responsibility, courageous conversations, and making small but consistent actions to re-author their stories—whether in marriage, personal growth, or family relationships.

Bottom Line

This episode is for anyone struggling with relational betrayal, emotional “numbness,” or boundary-setting with loved ones. The recurring refrain: step courageously into difficult conversations, practice actionable self-compassion, and don’t settle for a life or relationship just because it’s familiar.

Transcript

[James]

I struggled with a gambling addiction for a number of years, and when I started to enter recovery, I soon found out that my wife had been cheating on me and another guy. And I think we're both at the point where we want to regain trust with each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, why now? What's going on? What's going on? This is Josh with the Dr. John DeLoney show, coming to you from Nashville, taking your calls on your marriages, your emotional health, your mental health, whatever you got going on in your life. You want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes and it will take you right to the form. You can fill it out or you can go to john deloney.com ask. But Kelly prefers you to click the link in the show notes. All right, let's go out to Vancouver, British Columbia, and talk to James. Hey, James. What's up, dude?

[James]

Hi, Dr. Jaloney. It's an honor that you're taking my call today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's an honor that I get to talk to you, brother. What's up?

[James]

Hey. Hey. I. I wanted to know. Sorry, I'm a little bit nervous. Okay. I'm gonna hit you with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bring it.

[James]

I. I have. I've struggled with a gambling addiction for a number of years, and it ruined my marriage. And when I started to enter recovery, I soon found out that my wife had been cheating on me with another guy. Long story short, we are still together, had stayed together, but we have not worked on our marriage. And I think we're both at the point where we want to regain trust with each other and work on this. But I find myself always hesitating because things are good, but they're not great. So I just. I don't want to. I don't want to destroy that with anything else that's gone in my past or anything like that. Okay, so how do we regain trust together and rebuild this thing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you sober right now?

[James]

Yes, I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long?

[James]

Seven years. Free of a gambling addiction.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, I'd hug you if you're sitting right here. I'm proud of you, brother.

[James]

Thank you.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you have been puttering along in your marriage for seven years post recovery?

[James]

We have, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why, why now? Why are you. Why are you coming up to this line now?

[James]

I think because I find myself, because I started listening to you probably about a year ago, and then six months, I took steps in the right direction. We had had some conversations, but nothing became of it. I started a journal, went and bought a journal, wrote a whole bunch of stuff in this journal, gave it to her. Let her read it. And we had a quick conversation. She said, yeah, let's. Let's do this. I've never seen that journal again. And it hurts. And I'm just wondering if I should just move on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a pretty quick leap. You know what I mean? I mean,

[James]

um,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm trying to even think where to start, brother. Do you want to stay married to her? Are you done?

[James]

I'm not done. I want to keep trying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, then the only path forward, and I. And I don't say this lightly, you'll have one path, okay. That is to clear the deck and say we need to build a brand new marriage. Are you in? And as she says, I'm in. Then we're going to take two days out of our busy lives and we're going to draw up architectural blueprints and renderings of what our new marriage is going to look like. And we're going to practice new ways of communicating to each other. New ways of conflicting with each other. New ways of sex. New ways of trust and safety. New ways of we handle money together. We're going to rebuild it from the floor up. And what's awesome is y' all have chosen a lifeless surface level marriage. That's what y' all have chosen together. Y' all have co created that. The cool thing is that means y' all could choose something else. If y' all are both in.

[James]

Yeah, I don't know if she's in,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

but you're never gonna know. You've not known if she was in for seven years longer.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, she hasn't known that you're in.

[James]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so nothing, nothing can be rebuilt in a marriage if there's not safety and trust. And safety and trust are things you practice. It's saying, here's what I want, here's what I like, here's what I need. Are you in? And what do you want? What do you need? What do you like? And this is you getting to see and know her and allowing yourself to be seen and known. Choosing to celebrate each other even when you got to look hard. And those three things, seeing and knowing and celebrating. Somebody gives you permission to challenge them.

[James]

I know all that. I know all that, but I just. I can't bring myself to start those conversations.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why? Are you afraid she's going to look at you and leave?

[James]

Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[James]

I'm very.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen to me, brother. Listen to me. So please, please just stamp this on your soul if that's the case. She's already gone.

[James]

But I don't know that until I ask her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know she's not with you now, and you know that you're not with her now. So, you know, the facade of your marriage is a puppet show. You know that. The question is, do you want it to be different? And are you willing to risk putting that on the table? And she might say, I want to be done with the show altogether. Or she might say, thank God, I'm in. Do you have kids?

[James]

Yeah, but they're all grown and moved out of the house now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[James]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you still carrying tremendous guilt and shame from your gambling days?

[James]

I'm working on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[James]

That's a dealing process. Daily process.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I might be crazy, brother, but I'm hearing this a subtext here, that somehow you believe you are worth getting cheated on.

[James]

No, you're. You're correct. I don't. I'm working daily to. Not. I say daily, but I'm working on liking myself more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, you can't work. Okay. This is. I'm glad you said that. This is super important. You can't just think your way into liking yourself more. That's like trying to think your way into being confident. You become confident. You become somebody that you like because you're a person who does things that are likable. You become confident after repeatedly doing a thing to the point where you have some sort of mastery over it.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you're trying to deeply respect a guy that you don't respect because you're not doing the things that you would look at and say that's respectable. Like being honest with your wife, Like demanding respect and dignity and love from the woman you pledged your life to and who pledged her life to you. Forgiving yourself for being sick for a long time, being really damn proud of yourself for being sober for almost a decade now, Being willing to say, our new marriage is going to take some skills I don't have yet. So I'm willing to learn and practice. Are you in?

[James]

I can do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just. I think you're worth it, man. I think she's worth it. I think your marriage is worth it. And if you go through this process, if you sit down and say, the marriage we had is over, I want to build a brand new one where we are both seen and known and celebrated and challenged, where there's laughter and joy in this home where you have your weird stuff, I got my weird stuff. And we create a weird thing together. Like, I, I want this. And she looks at you and says, no, I don't. Then if nothing else, you have dredged the old Mississippi and the bodies have finally come to the surface. It doesn't bring him back to life, but at least, you know, now there's an end.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And then we can actually get on to real grief. It's the middle ground that's killing you. The numb.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[James]

The avoidance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[James]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Game on.

[James]

Game on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If she. Hey, if she's in, I'll. I wish. I'm not done. I'm. I'm literally writing a book on this moment right now that I would hand you and say how to rebuild from square one. It's just not done with it yet. Sorry. But if she's in, I'm happy to talk to her, too and give you all some step by steps on here's what we got to do. But I think for you guys, it's having that big initial conversation. And here's a couple of guiding questions. What do we want this thing to feel like? How can I love you today and 10 years from now? What home do we want to be in? What do we want that home to feel like? Do you still want to be with me? Do I still want to be with you? We are the drivers of our life. And at some point we're going to stop outsourcing it to something else and we're going to stop numbing out the fact that it's painful to drive sometimes. I'm going to take full ownership of my driver's seat, of my steering wheel. And for you, rebuilding trust, you're gonna have to put a path out for her to follow. And you're gonna have to say, will you walk this path so we can rebuild trust? And she's gonna say, yes, and I need this from you so I can rebuild trust in you. And we're going on a decade now, so it sounds like y' all have either just kind of avoiding each other or I don't know what y' all are doing, but let's put this stuff on, on the table. Let's find our path back to each other. Let's get in the same boat and row in one direction. When we come back, a man asks how to stop procrastinating. I got it at work. Before he gets exposed. It's spring fishing season now, and my son and I are out on the water with our Montana Knife Company knives, especially the filet knives. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives rule. And then we get back home, our whole family uses Montana Knife Company kitchen knives to cook and prepare the Fish we caught. Chop up the vegetables, all of it, because they're incredible. Montana Knife Company knives are designed, tested, and built here in the USA by real hunters, real fishermen, real fisher women, and real chefs. Montana Knife Co. Knives are razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used every day. I. I know because I use mine every day. And here's what really sells me. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Co. And they'll take care of it for you. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids are going to fight over one day. If you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last across anywhere you need knives, montana knife company.com has what you need. Go to montana knife company.com and see what's available. Right now, that's montana knife company.com. all right, let's go out to Ottawa, Ontario. Oh, this is so hard. Fabian.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Fabian.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Hi. Well, I'm, I think, like most of you guessed, a little nervous, but grateful to be on the call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's good, but, man, we got. We can't let this elephant in the room go unaddressed. We're just like 48 hours after the big hockey game.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Oh, I watched it. Yeah. Disappointing. Disappointing. Credit to you guys, but hockey is Canada's game, and we could have won the gold.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the most amazing Canadian kind answer ever. Well played. Well done, old ch. Whereas, like, Kelly was running around her neighborhood, like, in denim, in a bikini top screaming, usa like, so. Well done on being a gentleman. Good man. Well done.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Oh, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what's up?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, so this is something I've struggled with for quite some time now, and I'm feeling kind of stuck with it, but I'm. I'm having a hard time coming into work and putting in an honesty work, and. And so I kind of distract myself with. With games. And I find especially when I have days that are less structured with less meetings and whatnot, less commitments like that, I tend to kind of waste more time. And it's really kind of getting to a point where I'm just getting really tired of this, but somehow can't seem to, you know, do something to get me out of this, you know, Is

[Dr. John DeLoney]

your work piling up on you to where, you know it's going to all be due over a long weekend that's going to cost you 48 hours of your life and drama and all this kind of stuff or is it. Are you working at a job that like, honestly is, is meaningless?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

No, no, I'm in a. So I, I own a business and, and so I'm actually, it's kind of my, my career development has been such. Where the business has grown and I'm less involved in the day to day. And so my role is now kind of more forward looking. And, and, and so that means I get less emails. I'm just less involved day to day and therefore.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So why don't you, why don't you, why don't you have a. Where did the burning vision for where this thing could go disappear to?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes, yes, I have parts of a vision and that is something I'm working on. But I do find that this does impact the deliverables that I. My commitments to my senior leadership team and other staff in the business. I kind of have a reputation of just not being overly reliable with my deliverables and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

God almighty sometime. Why doesn't, why doesn't that keep you up at night?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Say that again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, of all the thing, maybe this is just my personal bias. Like, yeah, I have a reputation for being late. I have a reputation for being silly. I have a reputation for making jokes at inappropriate times sometimes.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But man, I take being reliable very seriously. Like that to me is, can I count on that guy? Yeah, he might be 10 minutes late, but I can count on that guy. And when he gets here, it's gonna be a game. You get what I'm saying? So like, what is it about? Like, you have a leadership team that report to you and they're like, yeah, our boss is a flake.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How have you gotten to a place where that doesn't bother you anymore?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

It is, it is. And you know, it's. I, you know, I conduct my day and where I would not tolerate this from my senior leadership team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, that's my point. You tolerate it from yourself.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

That's right.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yes, exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which means at the end of the day you recognize yourself as untrustworthy.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is a indication of depression, of anxiety, of some sort of challenges.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes, exactly. And I come home from work, especially after a bad day where I'm frustrated, I'm taking it out of my family and I just. Yeah, so there's some self loathing that comes with it. And I kind of imagine where I would be if I wasn't, you know, struggling with this. And, and so. Yeah, and it's just strange because it is a bit of a dichotomy. I have a Great. You know, I'm married to my best friend. I have three healthy boys. The business has grown a lot. Building an addition to my house. I have so many good things going.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know you do on paper, but you feel dead in your own skin. Why?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes, why? And that's something I've wondered about. Listening to your videos. I've kind of come to understand that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And where is your sense of aliveness? What is it around.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And honestly, brother, listen, it might be nothing. It might be that you need to go talk to somebody. I've been there.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, I. I am seeing somebody, actually, through better help. So thank you for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Excellent. Yeah, I just started, so it's early days yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. That's right. And my guess is you might end up. Given what you're telling me, I don't want to cast any shadows over you. My guess is you may need somebody in person to sit with for a season.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But. But what? What you're. I don't want to. I don't want to make wild guesses. Was your childhood pretty rough or is it pretty good?

[James]

It was.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

It was pretty good. Yeah. Very. Kind of religious family. I was homeschooled. Okay. So I had a lonely childhood.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's not good. And that's not good.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Off often. It's a very common story, a very common, heartbreaking story, one that I participated in myself. Okay. This idea that when I get these things, then I will look in the mirror and be okay with the person I see. And it's a tale as old as

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

time

[Dr. John DeLoney]

goes back to the old Jim Carrey quote. I just wish everybody could get rich and famous for a minute so they could see it solves nothing. I've bought. Bought it. It sounds like you've bought it. We've all bought it. If I can just get this thing and then you get it and you realize, oh, I went with me and I got to deal with, why do I not like that guy I see in the mirror? Why is the. Why is the voice in my head so incredibly awful to that guy? See in the mirror?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I. Yeah. And I've kind of, you know, another aspect of my life too, right. Where, you know, I don't have a good morning routine. I'm not exercising regularly. Do some stress eating. And it's. Yeah. So there's a constant Being in a constant state of negative self talk and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which just leads to more. To negative self action, which leads to more negative Self talk. It just becomes this big recursive loop and you wake up and your wife doesn't want to be around you, and your kids avoid you, and you're 40 pounds overweight and your board is thinking about ways to get rid of you.

[James]

Yeah.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

In the. The damning thing is those things just confirm the original story that started all this, which is you're not good at what you do and you're pretty much unlovable. They just haven't found out yet.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you have to go up river and challenge that initial story. Sometimes it helps to find out where that story comes from. And if you grew up in a super strict religious household that was more concerned with performance than relationship, then that's often a place people start.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm inherently unlovable. I can find some, some lovability if I will sing and dance in the just the right way, and I'll do that the rest of my life until one day you stop singing and stop dancing and you are able to internalize. I'm worth being loved just because I'm here. And that paradoxically frees you to go do amazing things because you're anchored into something way bigger than yourself.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your jet fuel is not self loathing, not hate.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah. It's striking because I have. Yeah. I have a great wife, and I have boys that obviously think I'm their hero. And, and, and. And I just. I don't know if I'm able to fully enter into that and fully be present to them and, and take that in stride and run with it, you know, like it's. I just. Yeah. I just don't understand it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I want to challenge you to, hey, you're doing the work to begin to understand it. Okay. But I want you to commit. And I know I'm. I'm. What I'm asking you is nuts because you're calling, saying, I'm struggling with the commitment, partner. I'm saying, all right, I want you to commit to something. And I know that's hard.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'm risking piling on yet another thing in your wheelbarrow of I'm unlovable. I. I don't have any worth. I just haven't been found out yet. My boys haven't fully found out. My wife hasn't found out yet. My business is starting to kind of figure it out. My clients haven't figured it out yet. But I know the truth. And so all of this begins with you challenging. What if you're wrong on that, Chief? Story. What if you're a pretty great husband? And what if you got. You got room to grow like we all do, but what if you're a good dad? And what if you're in a funk professionally and you need to shake the snow globe a little bit, but the work you do is actually good. And I'm never, ever going to give somebody the opportunity to say, that guy's not reliable. Right. That comes from changing the story. But I want you to take action, and. And you'll get to the understanding down the road. But I want you to take action. Are you in?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes, I'm in. I'm ready for this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's a few tips. Okay.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to put massive hurdles in front of you and behavior you want to stop, and I want you to commit to the hurdle for 30 days. What does that mean? Delete every game off your phone. Delete the Internet off your phone if you must. Leave just your ways app and your. Your debit card. You're spending. That's it. But make it insanely hard for you to do these things that are sucking your time and your soul from you.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Put some shorts. Well, you're in Canada, so it's zero. So put a fur coat. I don't know. I don't know what y' all work out in in the winter, but put your. You know what I mean when I'm saying this? Put your running shoes right by your bed at night.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Write your wife a letter that tells her how much you love her and read it to her. Tell her specific things that you're grateful for about her. Do the same thing with your boys.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, I'll do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The next thing I want you to do is I want you to break this stuff up into small rewards. Okay. What big project do you have working right now?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

An export opportunity.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What does that mean? Art Van, you sound like Art Vandelay from Seinfeld. Like, what. What is it? What's export opportunity?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay. No, fair enough. Yeah. So we. Most of our businesses in Canada, and so I want to explore what, you know, what export opportunities are for us to start to grow outside of Canada.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you the right guy for that?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

I'm the right guy to start the process and to kind of, you know, build a clear kind of vision for what we can do there. And then. And then it's better at that point for me to hand it off to the team.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but are you the guy to go get that now that you've have you have a Vision. I want to explore this. Is there somebody you can hand that baton to earlier that you look at and say, I want 50 leads by, by next month?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Oh, yeah, yeah. No, not at this point, no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you, are you positive?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Not, not somebody currently in our organization? I would say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is there a consulting company you can call?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

There are, yeah. I am getting some help from somebody outside the business for sure. There is, there is somebody who's kind of doing some of the X's and O's part of that project. So. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So sometimes procrastination is actually a,

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

I,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I, I'm, I'm finishing up a book right now. I've got several chapters left and they're completely mapped out. And what that means is the rest of, for the next month, I'm just in a grinding mode. There's no more discoveries to be made. There's no more excitement to be had.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just have to take what's on that outline and put it on the piece of paper and that's a beating. And so sometimes, and sometimes I procrastinated during the outlining part because I was stuck trying to pull different ideas together. Right?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So sometimes procrastination is about a skills issue. I don't know how to do this thing and I just don't have the courage to say it out loud.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even have the, I don't have the wherewithal to realize that I don't have what it takes. And sometimes it's, this is so boring. I just have to do it. And so if that's the case, I'm going to break it up into really small things. I'm gonna write for 30 minutes and then I'm gonna put it down and go lift weights for a second. I'm gonna write for 30 more minutes. I'm gonna go do X, Y, Z. I'm gonna write for two hours. I'm gonna watch this show, I'm gonna break it up. Do you have anyone who holds you accountable?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

I've started a little accountability group for weight and eating.

[James]

Okay.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Actually I joined, I joined one, didn't start it, I joined it. And, And yeah, so that's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you think you're worth losing weight?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you worth feeling good?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

I want to. Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you worth feeling good?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you right now?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

44.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to write 54 year old you a letter today.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I want you to read it to your wife. And this is a love letter to your 54 year old self about the things you're going to do right now so that your 54 year old self has the kind of life that you want him to have. And it will be big things. I'm going to take care of my health. I'm going to focus. I'm going to refocus on my marriage. I'm going to double and triple down my relationship actions with my kids. And it will be little things. I started picking up one extra chore a day because I'm so grateful for my wife. I wanted to show her in action. I started going to breakfast with one of the boys every week. So I got one breakfast with everyone at least once a month.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I committed to one project every two weeks and I also committed to clear my calendar off at work and hiring some, some more help or whatever the things are. But little bitty action steps towards the way I deleted all the apps off the phone forever. And I have to feel the discomfort of boredom and of the life I've created that I took away all my off ramps for numbing devices. So now I'm stuck in the life that I've created and I'm going to be begin creating excitement and adventure and play and love and connectivity inside this current life and not live a crappy, dull life that I don't love, even if it pays well, even if it makes me feel whatever. Not going to live that life and survive by numbing off ramps. I'm grateful for you, ma'.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I think it's important. There's a lot of stuff going on here, ma'.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wish we had more time just to hang, but I see a lot of good in you, brother. And my dream and hope and prayer for you is that you begin to see it in yourself. You're going to see it through a bunch of tiny little actions. You're worth every one of them. All right, when we come back, a man asks how to talk to his parents about their isolation without sounding critical. It is spring and some of my favorite days are out on the water with my son, my daughter, even my wife joins us sometime. We, when we are fishing, my son, this incredible fisherman. I'm super jealous. But listen, the two of us just casting our lines and spending time together or our whole family out fishing together, it's amazing. And if you fish, if you go outside a lot, you know, the glare on the water can be brutal. You're trying to see where the fish are and by the end of the day, your eyes are cooked and that's why me and my son both wear Shady Rays fishing sunglasses. They're polarized, which means they cut the glare and actually let you see into the water, not just the surface into the water. Let me say this. I've lost or broken more sunglasses than I care to admit, and Shady Rays has lost and broken protection. So if something happens, they will replace them. This means I'm not stressed about wearing them out in the middle of a lake or on a creek or anywhere. They look great, and they're not stupid expensive. So if you're a fisherman or a fisherwoman and you love being out on the water, get sunglasses made for fishing. And while you're there, check out their entire collection of amazing sunglasses. Me and my family each have several different pairs of shady ray glasses, and they are awesome. Head to shadyrays.com and use code DeLoney for 40%. You heard that, right. 40% off two or more pairs of polarized sunglasses. That's shadyrays.com. use code DeLoney. All right, let's stay right here in Nashville and talk to Ross. Hey, Ross. What's up, man?

[James]

Good.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

How are you?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Thanks for taking my call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. What's up, brother?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Hey. Yeah, I kind of want to just get your insight, basically, on a situation with my parents. Basically, over the past several years, I've just seen them kind of isolate and cut off a lot of friends in their life. And it's kind of gotten to the point where really the only consistent community is my wife and I. And so I'm just curious, should I even kind of try to address it with them? And if so, how would be the best way to do so without coming from, like, a critical standpoint?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So are they. Have they cut off siblings? They've cut off family members, church member? Like, who they cut off?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah, a little backstory, basically. I grew up in church. Both my parents are pastor's kids, so they.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So they're in church. So they're insane. Good. Me too.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't. Yeah, yeah. I don't want to know. The college sorts. Yeah, yeah. But, yeah, so they grew up in church. They raised me in church. I'm in church now and with my

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

wife, and I love that.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

And growing up, they were pretty involved with, like, their Sunday school group had pretty consistent friends, and in fact, like, best friends. But I feel like once I started going to college, whenever I was back on break, I just felt like it was kind of a consistent thing of, oh, we're not seeing these people anymore. We're not talking to these people anymore. They said or did something that we don't, like, never giving, like, a specific reason. And it kind of ultimately led up to, I mean, two years ago, they were going to a different church than when I grew up in. They're close with the pastor and his wife, you know, dinner, board games. But they told me two years ago, oh, well, we're not going to that church anymore. Like, oh, something happened. And they were like, no, we, the pastor had, like, a surgery, and we texted him, like, praying for you or whatever. And he never texted us back. And I was like, that's it. Yeah, I know. So, yeah. So now it's been two years that they're, you know, no church. They, not really, they don't really have any consistent friends or any that are, like, close by.

[James]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you, brother?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

29.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is, do you have kids?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

No, not yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What is your relationship like with your dad when it comes to big conversations like this? Could you go have, have a question about you, like, and I'm being serious when I asked this, so to just tick them off, yay or nay, could you have a conversation with your old man about your sex life right now?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Could you have a conversation about you and your wife are struggling,

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

not any deep struggles? I don't believe so. No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Could you have a conversation with him if, with your son if you have a baby?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yes, I, I, I believe so. And to that sense, like, my parents definitely love me, but we don't go very.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And that's, that's, that's what I'm getting at. So if you have a relationship and I know people, healthy or unhealthy, doesn't matter. Like, I know people who are super tight with their parents, and sometimes it's very unhealthy, and sometimes their parents are just unicorns. They're just amazing. They can hold space for stuff. Right?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's, that's awesome. Just very few people have that, and it is what it is. So if this is a conversation that would be otherwise out of the depth of your normal interactions, then a, you have to put that on the table.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that way nobody gets caught off guard.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the second thing is the conversation always has to be a care and concern conversation, not a here's how it affects me conversation.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you have a great opportunity right now. Like, all of the aging data says relationships into later years is one of the most, if not the most important thing, except for sleep and so being able to say, dad, I keep reading these articles and I have to tell you as your son, like, I starting to get worried. And also I can be over dramatic. Could we have a big conversation? Right. And if that, in that, in that little sentence you've addressed, I'm reading stuff. A, I'm. And B, I care about y'. All. C, I'm self deprecating. So I give you a pass. I'm coming to you for wisdom because you're my dad. And D, would you have a big conversation with me?

[James]

Okay.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah, I think. And I think I want to approach it from a position of like, I care because otherwise, like, I would just be like, I, you know, I don't have. I wouldn't have the conversations because I could just, you know, the logic side of it is like, well, they've chosen to kind of cut these people off. Easily offended or whatever. I think where my hesitation comes in is like, we're very different in like, they are generally kind of emotionally driven, both my parents. And I'm not.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

And so it kind of comes. And I'm more of just a direct guy naturally. So it just comes off like I'm lecturing, but I'm, I'm not trying to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's so beautiful about what you just said is that's what you lead with. I'm gonna, I'm gonna take any possibility for me to be misunderstood, especially because of me. I'm gonna put that on the table first.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can approach it from health, you can approach it from loneliness, you can approach it from worry, you can approach it from. You're just down the road for me, wisdom wise. Can I ask you a wisdom question? As you're getting to be 30 years old, you see your friends changing. Some of them are having kids, some of them aren't. Some of them are already getting divor. Them are have the best marriages ever. Right. Like, how have you and mom navigated having. Having friends? I see that y' all have had friends over the years, but y' all end up cutting them off over time talk and letting him just teach you about their. And you might find, dude, your mom's crazy. Sorry. Right.

[James]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or it might be your mom wants to hang out with these people, but I refuse to. Right.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that might be the crack you need for a. Well, dad, I'm worried about you.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you might not get a crack at all. And you go back to your wife and you're like, oh, we're gonna have to draw boundaries.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because we can't be their entire emotional support system.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah. And I mean, to be fair to them, it's not like they're making me feel guilty about things or they're constantly, like, you know, banging at the door. Part of it may be just me feeling guilty of, like. Like, we have friends. We have our own active life or whatever. And my parents like, hey, you want to watch a movie? And I'm like, nope, Yep. Can't.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

I'm sorry.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

On schedule. But, like, I want that for them as well, for their own community.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. And I feel like I've said this 10 times in the last three weeks. And so if people are listening to these shows in order, they're going to be like, he already just said that last show and just said this. So, Dr. Kennedy, Becky Kennedy, I've had her on the show before. She's a psychologist out of New York. She gave me a great new definition for guilt. Can I pass it along to you?

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So she says what we often call guilt is not guilt at all. Guilt is a feeling. It's biology. It's biology. Right. It's biological. But it is a. Our body's response to our violation of our own core values. And in that regard, it's a good thing. It's alerting us to you have done something out of alignment with who you say you are and. Or what you need to be in this community.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's a good thing.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What most of us call guilt is somebody we care about has uncomfortable feelings, and we want to take them from them and try to solve them for them. And so asking yourself, is it a core value violation for you to go commit to dinner reservations with your friends and go out and honor those reservations? No. Is it a core value violation that you don't spend every evening with your parents? No. And so when you, quote, unquote, feel guilty for saying, I already have plans, what you're in effect doing is reaching over and saying, hey, I'm going to take Yalls feelings of loneliness. I'm going to take your feelings of isolation. I'm going to take the choices y' all have made, and I'm going to try to solve them for you. And I can't solve them, so I'm just going to carry them and impact my marriage, impact my friendship relationships, and kind of ruin the dinner I'm going to have right now. And so part of owning guilt is when your body says, hey, this is not. This is a violation. That's a good thing. It should happen. You should feel guilty when you violate your core values. But I'm going to make a commitment to not try to carry other people's emotional challenges. That's theirs.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

That's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Those are their feelings, their emotions, their responses.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so if your parents have made choices, they've made choices. I can be sad for them, but I can't feel guilty for them. I'm. I'm doing the next right thing. I haven't violated my stuff. Now, if you start lying to them, all right now, I'm violating my core values. I feel. I feel guilty for lying. Right. Or if I stop taking their phone calls, like, I believe, honor your father, mother, pick up the phone, talk to your parents, for crying out loud. Right. So, yeah, when you start violating your core values, then you should. Should feel guilty. But, man, I'm just not gonna. I can't carry your stuff too. I got enough of my own.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Right? Yeah.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah, that's fair.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Okay. That's good. Kind of division between the two feelings. So, I mean, should I get. Just getting your opinion, Should I even approach them about it to begin with? Like, do you think this is something that is. Would be a necessary. I want to say the word necessary, but just like a good in their life? Or is me, this. Me just kind of encroaching on taking that responsibility upon myself and just like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, it goes back to core values. I, I a. I've got almost strangely competing core values. I don't speak unless somebody asked me a question, and I don't speak if I don't think I can be heard. And I will intervene without invitation if I think somebody's hurting themselves or others. And so sometimes those compete.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in this case, you may leave with nothing tangible, but your dad may go to bed at night thinking, man, that was kind of dumb. If you smile and you're like, you didn't go back out with your friend because they didn't text you back after he had surgery. Surely there's more to that.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your dad might say, nope, he didn't, and be like, really?

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My friends never text me back, but they would.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They'd storm the gates of hell for me. And it might be that sentiment, that look that plants a seed that he's like, ooh, maybe I overreacted. And you might call back in three weeks and they're all having dinner again.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you might not get the thing. Like, you're right, son. You're. I'm so glad that might have happened.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Caller 4 (Fabian)]

Okay.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Because, yeah, like you said, the core values thing, it was just. I see they may not be like physically hurting themselves, but they're hurting, in my opinion, their own lives. And the fact that they're choosing kind of their own personal offense over a tenant, that was. That they instilled in me. So I guess it's part of the reason, like you kind of betraying your own things.

[James]

You.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

He taught me, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, dude, it's way easier to make your kids do something. It's way harder for you to do it.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I found myself the other night, like telling my kids, like, hey, quit eating so much junk. And I was literally holding an Oreo when I said that. And I was like, my son goes, really? And I was like, yeah, this is bad. Look, sorry, y' all want to Oreo. Like, I mean, it was, I was just. It was. I don't know. I've seen somebody flying by me driving like they're drunk, holding their phone and trying to text while they're driving. And I've been like, put down your stupid phone while I'm holding my phone. Like, I. Well, I'm holding my phone. Right. So, yeah, I mean, there's. There's truth to that. There's truth to that.

[Caller 3 (Ross)]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I don't know, it sounds like you love your parents enough that it's like, I want to have this conversation. And it's not about I don't like y' all calling me. It's not. There's not some deep, self centered motive here. This is I not care about them. And I'm watching them slowly isolate more and more and more. And I just want to make sure they're okay. And I think that's worth the conversation. Thanks for loving your parents. Well, man. We'll be right back. Hey, I want to talk to you for a second about love and not the Titanic, I'll never let go kind of nonsense. Love, right? I'm talking about a love that moves you to take care of the people closest to you. I'm talking about term life from Xander Insurance. If you have anyone depending on you, spouses, kids, anyone, you need term life insurance. My wife and I trust Xander for term life insurance. I've used them for years, long before I started the show. For one reason, I trust them. When it comes to turn life, here's the deal. You should get coverage of 10 to 12 times your income because that gives your family real protection. So if and when the unthinkable happens, your family can spend their time grieving, not worrying about where their next meal is going to come from. Zander makes buying term life insurance so easy. They give you clear guidance and honest support. They help you figure out the right amount of coverage for you and your family. Then they shop all of the top companies across the globe to find you the best price. Getting term life insurance is a way of saying I love you. Especially when you can no longer say it yourself. Go to Xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and get term life insurance the right way. That's Xander. Z-A N--E-R.com all right, Kelly, am I the problem? What do you think?

[Kelly]

All right, so this is from Clara in New Orleans and she writes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Helen, what's our verdict on the name Clara? I like it.

[Kelly]

I didn't know it was up for debate. I like Clara. It's one of those older names. I think that is beautiful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I think if I met somebody named Claire, I would double take just on the name. Yeah, like tell me about that.

[Kelly]

It's not quite Sloan.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, there's no double taking with Sloan.

[Kelly]

We are such a cool girl.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Packing up and taking off.

[Kelly]

Yes, Together. But Clara, I like Clara. I think it's very pretty.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And Sloan would drive like a cool retro VW bug van or a truck. Sloan drives a truck and has a sleeve. I'm gonna get okay. I'm gonna get in trouble. Okay, good. Yes. All right, talk about Clara.

[Kelly]

So let's talk about Clara. She is writing to ask. So myself, 28 year old female and my ex boyfriend, 32 year old male, were together for two years and broke up seven months ago. We were very much in love and both wanted children, but I refused to start a family with someone who was self medicating with alcohol and not ready to face the traumas in his life or go to therapy. I broke up with him, but deep in my heart, I have always believed that we would find our way back to each other. Last month I heard through friends that he has started going to therapy for the first time and has continued going every week since. However, last week I met someone who asked me out on a date. I have not been on a date since the breakup and I really want to go but I'm not sure that it would be fair both to the new guy and to my ex. Would I be the problem if I went on the date even though I have a deep desire for my ex to get sober so that we can eventually get back together?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, not a problem. Go on the date. Go on the date. And a date is not a promissory note. A date is two people deciding we're gonna have a good time together this evening. We're get to know each other, especially on date one. So. No. Do you think so?

[Kelly]

Oh, I don't think she's the problem at all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Kelly]

Yeah, go on the date. And also, you never know. You might find that that's what, like. Yeah, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, this is what kindness feels like. This is what safety feels like. This is what a regulated nervous system feels like. And it might be that what you're feeling is not like an 80s metal song like Love Will Find a Way. It's not. It's. It's less that and more. I miss the idealized version of what we had. And now I've got a flesh and

[Kelly]

blood new guy in her case, what I think we'll have, it's not even. It's what I thought we had.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a good call. It's a fantasy of what will be when he just does everything that I want him to. And that never works out that way ever. Go on the date. Go on the date and commit to having a good time on the date. You're not violating anything of anybody in any way. Let us know how the date goes. Now we're all invested. And if he says he has an ex named Sloan, it's. It's not gonna work out because he's never gonna let Sloan go. I never let you go.