My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman"

Episode Information:

• Title: My Wife Had an Affair With Another Woman
• Host: Dr. John DeLoney, Ramsey Network
• Release Date: April 23, 2025
• Description: The Dr. John DeLoney Show is a caller-driven platform offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to engage by sending questions via voicemail or email.

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney navigates complex relationship issues brought forth by callers. The central theme revolves around infidelity, trust, and the challenges of maintaining a healthy relationship amidst personal and external struggles. Dr. DeLoney provides compassionate yet straightforward advice, helping listeners confront and resolve their relationship dilemmas.

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Caller 1: Derek's Infidelity Crisis

Timestamp: [00:05] – [10:08]

Caller: Derek from Panama City, Florida

Issue: Derek reveals his wife has been having a physical and emotional affair with his coworker, who identifies as a lesbian. This revelation coincides with their one and a half-year marriage anniversary.

Key Points:

• Discovery of Affair: Derek discovered the affair approximately two weeks prior, indicating the relationship has been ongoing for about three months ([03:06]).
• Nature of the Affair: The coworker is described as a woman who presents and behaves like a man, adding complexity to the situation ([00:19] – [00:37]).
• Wife's Behavior: Beyond the affair, Derek uncovers multiple deceitful behaviors from his wife, including financial dishonesty and location concealment ([03:45] – [04:33]).
• Emotional Involvement: Despite the coworker ending the relationship, Derek notices his wife remains emotionally entangled ([02:16] – [03:02]).

Notable Quotes:

• Derek: "She's been having a physical and emotional affair with one of my coworkers, and my coworker happens to also be a lesbian." ([00:19])
• Dr. DeLoney: "She doesn't want to be married to you, man." ([05:13])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes that Derek's wife clearly does not desire the traditional life he envisions. He advises Derek to recognize the deep-seated issues in the marriage, including dishonesty and lack of trust, asserting that reconciliation is improbable without significant change ([06:10] – [07:08]). Regarding workplace dynamics, Dr. DeLoney suggests that confronting the coworker may not be beneficial and could further complicate the professional environment ([10:08] – [10:36]).

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Caller 2: Kelsey's Struggle with Fiance's Weight Gain

Timestamp: [15:23] – [23:04]

Caller: Kelsey from Appleton, Wisconsin

Issue: Kelsey is grappling with how to address her fiancé's significant weight gain without appearing shallow or judgmental. Her concerns are compounded by her own battle with ovarian cancer, which she fears may be influencing her perspective.

Key Points:

• Health Concerns: Kelsey highlights her fiancé's 100-pound weight gain over the past year, attributing it to potential underlying emotional or psychological issues ([16:01] – [17:50]).
• Emotional Impact: The weight gain has strained their relationship, affecting their sexual intimacy and mutual activities ([18:06] – [18:54]).
• Personal Trauma: Kelsey's own health struggles and past experiences with body shaming influence her apprehension in addressing the issue ([19:31] – [20:20]).

Notable Quotes:

• Kelsey: "I don't want to marry you in a month just to have to bury you in five years." ([16:01])
• Dr. DeLoney: "You're watching the man that you love slowly kill himself." ([20:44])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney encourages Kelsey to separate her own trauma from her fiancé's struggles, emphasizing the importance of addressing his well-being. He advises her to have a candid conversation, possibly with the support of a counselor, to set clear boundaries and express her concerns without placing blame ([21:09] – [22:45]). Dr. DeLoney underscores that while Kelsey cannot force change, she can support her fiancé in seeking professional help to address his weight gain and underlying issues ([22:54] – [23:04]).

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Caller 3: Abby’s Work-Life Balance Before Marriage

Timestamp: [27:23] – [37:19]

Caller: Abby from Shreveport, Louisiana

Issue: Abby is conflicted about her dream job as a biologist, which requires her to work two hours away from home and stay out of town during weekdays. She fears this commitment may impede her ability to be the wife she aspires to be.

Key Points:

• Job Satisfaction vs. Personal Life: Abby finds immense fulfillment in her wildlife-focused role but is increasingly burnt out due to the extensive time away from home ([27:34] – [28:47]).
• Financial Considerations: Moving closer to home is financially unfeasible as it would require her fiancé to accept a significant pay cut ([28:55] – [29:21]).
• Career Prospects: Federal funding cuts have stalled opportunities for local employment in central Louisiana, heightening Abby's anxiety about her career's future ([29:21] – [32:01]).
• Self-Realization: Dr. DeLoney reflects on the transient nature of jobs and encourages Abby to embrace her adaptability and passion for her work, suggesting she may find alternative fulfilling roles ([32:29] – [36:44]).

Notable Quotes:

• Abby: "I feel myself getting burnt out. The job duties that keep me going, that's the only thing that keeps me going." ([37:19])
• Dr. DeLoney: "I'm so sorry. I wish I did. I don't have a great solution." ([31:15])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney acknowledges the unpredictability of Abby’s career path due to external factors like political changes affecting funding. He commends her passion and adaptability, suggesting she explore alternative roles within her field that align better with her personal life goals. Dr. DeLoney advises Abby to honor her feelings of loss regarding her current job while remaining open to new opportunities that can provide both professional satisfaction and personal fulfillment ([33:01] – [37:19]).

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney adeptly addresses multifaceted relationship and personal challenges faced by his callers. From navigating infidelity and trust issues to balancing career aspirations with personal commitments, Dr. DeLoney provides insightful, empathetic guidance. His candid and unfiltered approach empowers listeners to confront difficult conversations and make informed decisions to enhance their emotional and relational well-being.

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Notable Takeaways:

• Honest Communication: Open and honest dialogue is crucial in addressing and resolving deep-seated relationship issues.
• Self-Awareness: Understanding and separating personal struggles from those of loved ones can lead to more effective support and solutions.
• Adaptability: Embracing change and remaining adaptable in the face of unforeseen challenges can lead to personal growth and fulfillment.

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Final Thoughts: This episode serves as a profound exploration of the complexities inherent in human relationships and personal growth. Dr. John DeLoney's compassionate yet assertive advice offers listeners a roadmap to navigate their own challenges with clarity and resilience.

Transcript

[Derek]

My wife and I, we've been married for about a year and a half. She's been having a physical and emotional affair with one of my co workers and my coworkers happens to also be a lesbian.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And kind of forget your coworker for a second. What about your wife, dude? What's going on? This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney, Tony's show. Talking to people all over the world about challenges in their relationships, their mental and emotional health. All kind of crazy things in this world that we're all trying to figure out how to navigate. It feels like every day the news gets wilder and wonkier and just hard to figure out what's the next right move. And that's what this show is about. Real people going through real challenges. If this sounds like something you want to be a part of, I'd love to have you go to john deloney.com, ask a s k and you fill out the form on the Internet and it will go to Taylor or Kelly and they will help build the show and holla back at you if they want to have you on the show. I'd love to. Love to have you. Let's go out to Panama City, Florida. Panama, Talk to Derek. What's up, Derek?

[Derek]

Hey, Dr. Deloney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up, homie? How we doing?

[Derek]

I've been better.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, what's going on, man?

[Derek]

So, yeah, my wife and I, we've been married for about a year and a half and just around our anniversary time, well, two weeks ago, I found out, but I found out that around our anniversary term, a one year mark, that she's been having a like a physical and emotional affair with one of my co workers. And my co workers happens to also be a lesbian. One of those like looks like one, talks like one thinks like one type of chicks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what does that mean?

[Derek]

Like she, you know, she on testosterone. She, you know, kind of. She's a woman who thinks and acts and looks like a dude. Really?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, but your wife, your wife is with her now?

[Derek]

No. So when I found out, it was pretty much like they were kind of seemed like they're breaking up, like they're ending their relationship. Part of my co worker feeling guilt and, and kind of forget your co.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Worker for a second. What about your wife, dude?

[Derek]

Yeah, I mean she, yeah, she also was feeling guilt about it, but she seemed like she was pretty emotionally involved with this person through all the. For everything that I saw with them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. How old are you? How old are you?

[Derek]

I'm 36.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

36 Is this your first marriage?

[Derek]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I'm sorry this happened, man.

[Derek]

Yeah, me too. It kind of was unstained and kind of just blew up and. Yeah, it's been going on for three months and just found out a couple weeks ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So what's your next move, man? How can I help?

[Derek]

Well, yeah, so the reason my call is, I guess, how do I, you know, do I tell my supervisor at work? How do I confront this other person or tell her I know? How do I talk to family and get insight from them? How can I, you know, give my wife a second chance knowing that, you know, within a year of us being married that she's already been lying and cheating on me?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know how else she lied in this first year?

[Derek]

Well, throughout other discoveries. So I found out about all this because I went through her phone one night and I found out that there's like certain red flags and stuff. Other stuff would be. She would go. She went places that she didn't tell me, really, that she'd say she's doing one thing and went other places. But I mean, for the most part, this was like a big, big lie. Other things would be like turning off her location so I couldn't see, like, where she's going. Kind of a little like deceitful acts like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. She doesn't want to be married to you, man.

[Derek]

Yeah, I mean, I. I hate to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Say it that blunt, dude, but. But is she spending. Is she spending money like crazy, too?

[Derek]

I found out that, yeah, yeah, she was spending money like crazy. She was spending. She was sending money to people, telling it was to family members when she was really buying other stuff with it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, brother, she doesn't want to be married, man.

[Derek]

You know that. You know, she's obviously right now going through the whole apologetic phase. And, you know, she did mention she kept in touch. She stays in touch with her ex husband and who cheated on her, ironically. And she says that, you know, through the text that I saw that she wants to talk to him about divorce, but it's mainly because, like, I want to. I want kids. And recently she said that she doesn't want to have kids. And she's questioning her. You know, she's brought up that she's bisexual recently and she's kind of. She told me that she was giving me signs and all this, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Derek, listen to him. Derek. Yeah, she doesn't want to be married to you, man. You can. You can cloud it up and convolute it as much as you want. She doesn't Want to be married to you.

[Derek]

So you don't think there's a. The second second chance of just really giving her, like she's. If she admitted she screwed up and that it was a one time thing due to me not giving her the section of attention that this other person slightly gave to her?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, dude, it's madness. And you know that. Yes, I believe couples can come back together. I do. But like she told you, she's been giving you hints for a long time. She didn't really want to do this.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me say it this way. She doesn't want the life that you want. You want to have a traditional marriage. You want to have kids. You want to have somebody that doesn't cheat on you. You want to have someone that doesn't steal from the family funds and go who knows where. You want to be with somebody that you don't have to wonder where they are no matter what they tell you because they lie all the time.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she doesn't want that life. She wants to go where she wants to go, sleep with who she wants to sleep with, not have any more responsibilities, not disconnect from her ex. She doesn't want this life, man.

[Derek]

Yeah. I mean, it's crazy to think of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Derek]

I mean, you don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know it's crazy. Y'all just went through this. How long have y'all been dating?

[Derek]

We've been together for four years. And married. Not married for about 14 months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Did she cheat on you while you were dating?

[Derek]

No. No. But I mean, she. She had the only crush that she really has against me or what she uses against me. That kind of said that she lost trust in me. And all that was while we were engaged and I was going to school. There was a. There was a girl in my class that we strictly. Only professional. We never, never communicated outside. And the only thing I ever did was it was kind of a rough patch in our relationship and she was drunk all the time. And I was kind of fed up with everything that was going on. And all I did was look up, I typed in this other person's name on social media. I saw that her account was private. And that's all it was. I didn't friend request her. I didn't message her. I just left it at that. And then that night, she went through my phone and thought that I was, I guess, curious about this other person I was in class with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, dude, that's not a violation of trust, homie. It's not. That's just her looking for some way that she can get out of this mess. I, I didn't even think about substance abuse. She's using all the time.

[Derek]

Oh, yeah, yeah. Recently. Recently. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So here's the thing. You can. You can do whatever you want to do. You're a grownup, okay? You can plow ahead and just do life without some sort of radical change in what I would call core character. Somebody who tells the truth, somebody that doesn't. Isn't running around hiding from emotion. Someone who believes in fidelity. Somebody who, if they say they're no longer married to somebody else, they stop reaching out to them and trying to hang out with them and telling them secrets about their current marriage. Without that, man, you're. I mean, you can hang on all you want, dude, but it's. It. She doesn't want to be in this marriage, period. And just remember her words. I've been giving you signs.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, as for I, I, I, I don't. I don't know, man. You can go after your co worker or whatever. That was an act of betrayal if y'all were friends and co workers or whatever. But I think that's a distraction. I think the problem is your wife.

[Derek]

Yeah. But I mean, I guess. I mean, seeing this person now, I mean, we don't directly work, but it would be through either passing or on, on jobs or, you know, But I mean, what's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your boss. Your boss isn't gonna. Is it against the company policy?

[Derek]

I'm. I'm not. I'm not sure. I mean, it'll probably. I mean, it'll be. Look, really be frowned. I mean, look, people look down on her. I mean, she's trying to essentially promote and get a higher position and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, honestly, bro, I don't. I don't think it's gonna. I mean, you can do what you're gonna do, man. I, I personally wouldn't spend my energy sitting down and having a big conversation with my boss. In most companies in the, in the, The. In the, in the United States, if you're good at your job, that's what they care about, and you can be with whoever you want to be with. Off company time, you can go do that. But I don't. I don't know what it's. It's. It's more likely to just make work really an uncomfortable place. It's already uncomfortable. Obviously, you can burn whatever you want to the ground. That's a, that's your life. I think the bigger issue here is dealing with this woman doesn't want to build a life with you, doesn't want to be married to you and doesn't want. Doesn't share the same values that you share. And that to me, is the bigger, more honest place you find yourself. And I'm so sorry that it happened to you, man. I can't tell you what to do next. I can tell you I don't have a lot of faith in your wife. I've got zero faith, actually. And I don't know how you build a marriage on 100% lack of faith and trust. You can't. So unless there's a major turnaround there. Yeah, man. Unfortunately, I think things are pretty tough for you right now. Thanks for the call, man. Call me back anytime if I can help in any way. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about Bond Charge. I've been on board with the benefits of red light therapy for a long time. And and that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking gear. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, infrared sauna, blanket, EMF mat, all of it, all the time. And listen up, if your skin looks tired, check out Bon Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improved blood flow. I just got the mask and I'm going to start using it soon so I can look beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin, easily. There's no creams or appointments. It's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to bond charge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. That's B O N C H A r g e boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. Go check them out. It was just a few weeks ago that we all moved our clocks forward one hour. Listen, I love the extra hour of daylight, but dude, losing an hour of sleep is tough on me and my entire family. And it's when we lose that hour of sleep that I'm reminded just how important good, deep, rich sleep is for My attitude, my cognitive function and my ability to just show up and be the husband and father I need to be. This is why I love my friends at Helix. My Helix mattress has helped me get to sleep faster and sleep more deeply. So I wake up refreshed. I I love, love, love it. I also know that a big reason why my kids don't fight me very often on going to bed is because they sleep in luxury on their Helix mattresses. Helix offers a mattress for every person's sleep style. If you run hot at night, if you've got concerns with your spine, if you sleep on your back or your stomach or your side, however you sleep, Helix has got you. Plus, Helix offers a 100 night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So there's really no risk. Let's make the most of your sleep this spring. Get online and take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did and they'll help you find the perfect mattress in less than two minutes. Just go to helixsleep.com deloney today and get 20% off site wide for their spring savings event. That's 20% off [e-mail] deloney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. All right, we are back. Please hit the subscribe button and go. Leave that five star review for me. It really helps out the show helps put this show into more people's algorithms so that they can get man some rational, honest talk about their relationships and their mental and emotional health. Cutting through some of the nonsense out there. Let's go to Appleton, Wisconsin and talk to Kelsey. Hey, Kelsey, what's up?

[C]

Hey, what's up?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nothing much, man. What about you?

[C]

Oh, nothing much. I'm super nervous just for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's all good. It's all good. What's up?

[C]

Yeah, so, well, I have a lot of problems in my life, but I'll just get to the one that I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Pick three or four. Let's just start, start there.

[C]

Pick one. Like a whole, like a whole week's worth of shows about my life. But anyways, my question today is how can I talk to my fiance about his weight without seeming shallow or too judgmental?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess my first question is, are you being shallow and judgmental?

[C]

I mean, I'm concerned for his health.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[C]

So I mean, he's great in every other way. Like I couldn't have picked a better person for myself. But like, I think like when we first got together I was really attracted to the fact like I'm on a weight loss journey. I just lost £90. I go to the gym five days a week, you know, and even our first dates were, like, going to the gym and going for bike rides and everything like that. But we moved in together about a year ago, and all of that just stopped. So he's gained all that weight back and then some. And I just. He has no motivation to do anything, like work out with me, go for a walk with me, anything. So I just don't know how to, like, approach it and, like, be like, hey, like, you need to take control of your health, and I'm just worried about you. I don't want to marry you in a month just to have to bury you in five years, as bad as that sounds.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But see, hey, that's. That what you just told me, that's exactly how you say it.

[C]

Okay? I just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's exactly how you say it. And by the way, if you weren't attracted to him, I wouldn't think you're being shallow either. Okay? You're allowed to be attracted to who you're attracted to, and I know that plays a part of intuit, but my guess is, yes, he's gained, what, a hundred pounds in a year? That tells me he's got some significant other challenges going on in his life.

[C]

Well, I've asked him if he wants to go to counseling with me, because I go to counseling every other week, and he says no, like, there's nothing going on. And I just. It has caused, like, some issues in our relationship.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course it has. Of course it has. And by the way, I've never in my entire life ever met with somebody, sat down with somebody, talked with somebody, gained 100 pounds in a year that did not have some significant other challenges going on.

[C]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you know that.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, it's just, like, caused a lot of issues, like, sexually. And, like, we went to Gatlinburg last year on vacation, and just, like, we couldn't do certain things because, like, we can do the mountain coasters or the zip lines. And, I mean, I know that's all.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Stuff, but, like, no, it's. It's about a life you're building, and you have a particular life that you want to live, and the guy you started dating and guy you fell in love with would do those things, and the guy, now that you're about to marry, for some reason, has just cashed out on his health.

[C]

Yeah. And I just. I think it's my fault, honestly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why?

[C]

Because, well, I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last fall, and so I just, like, I don't know if, like, my.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kelsey, stop right now. Stop. I can't let you keep going with that. Yeah, your ovarian cancer has zero to do with his 100 pound weight gain. Okay, yeah, we're gonna be done with that conversation. It's not true.

[C]

I just, like, I don't want to make him feel bad because my whole life, my mom, like, would always be on me about my weight. And. And, like, it just has caused so much, like, I don't know, ptsd. Like, that's what I think about constantly is, like, is she gonna tell me I look like I gained weight today? Or, like, and I don't want him to feel that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, but this isn't about weight gain. This is about. You're watching the man that you love slowly, slowly kill himself, and I guarantee you his. The light in his eyes has gone out, hasn't it?

[C]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. That's what you're missing. The weight gain is the byproduct of. Okay, it's the alarm bells that are going off. It's a number on the scale. We can see that. But this tells me there is something. Several dramatic things going on inside the heart and chest and mind of this guy.

[C]

And I don't know what to do because I'm always just trying to make sure he's okay. Like, I know he just seems.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But he has to decide. He wants to live a zestful, exciting, fun, rambunctious, adventurous life with his new wife. He has to decide that you can't force it. And your mom tried to shame you into it, and you know that doesn't work. Yeah, she tried to belittle you into it, and you know that doesn't work.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the exact conversation you just had with me is what you have with him. We're a month out, and I'm about to push pause on this wedding because I can't commit myself to somebody who's not interested in living a full life. And I've watched you over the last year just give up on life.

[C]

I just have so much, like, trauma in my life that is scary. He's gonna leave me like my last husband did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or like Kelsey, he might. Yeah, he might. And he also might say, thank God somebody saw me. Yeah, but as you said, at this trajectory, you're going to bury him in five years, so he's going to leave anyway.

[C]

Yeah. It's just so hard because. Yeah. Like, I just know how I feel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. But can I also tell you this? He knows that there's a big disconnection between the two of you. He can feel it. He knows.

[C]

Yeah. And there's a big disconnect with my kids as well. He's just. He's there, but it's like he's not there for them.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, they don't feel like, listen, listen. You have a lot of feeling. You see a counselor every other week. I think you should sit down with your counselor and say, okay, I need to have this hard conversation because I'm about to pause the wedding. I'm about to pause this because I can't be a part of somebody watching somebody just drown. And at some point, you're gonna have to have some boundaries with him, and you're gonna have to say, hey, you gotta go see somebody. You've got to get on a plan. You got to meet with a nutritionist, because I'm not going to watch my husband die. I'm just not going to watch that. I can't. And I'm not going to belittle you and beat you up and scream at you, because that happened to me my whole life. And I know what that feels like. And I know. I know that, you know, nobody in the world knows. I mean, feels worse for this guy than he does. He knows. He gets it. But if nothing changes, nothing's going to change. And it appears that he is unable right now to flip that switch. And so some big shakeup has to happen. And maybe you saying, hey, I'm pausing the wedding. We're not doing this yet. We're going to put it out six more months. We're going to put out one more year. But we got a lot of work to do. We have a lot of work to do because I deserve to feel alive in my own home. My kids. I want them to have a dad, and I want you to have a full, adventurous life. You're worth that. So, Kelsey. Yeah. I know it's going to be hard. It's going to be scary. It's all these feelings, all that emotion. But that doesn't mean just because it's hard or just because it hurts that it's not the right move. And I think you are exactly right. This is absolutely the next right move. Your friend is on. On a very scary trajectory. And you're right to love him enough to say, I'm. I'm. Turn all the lights on. I love you too much to just let this keep going. And at the end of the day, you can't control him. He could leave. He could just say, forget it. I'm not doing nothing. Then you have to decide, am I gonna. Am I gonna watch this man slowly drown or am I gonna step away? Because I can't. I can't force him to do anything. I'm so sorry you're in this position, Kelsey. But I also say on his behalf, thank God he's got you. And man, I hope he'll hear you. Sit down with your counselor and get some very clear talking steps and make sure you're clear about what you want to say. Write it down and then take them out and say we're going to push pause on the wedding because I'm not all right. And I know you're not all right. Thanks for the call, sister. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, you've heard me say this a thousand times and I'm just going to keep saying it. You're worth being well. And I think therapy can help. Look, I see a therapist. I think a lot of you probably should do. But let's be real. Taking that first step to see a therapist can feel overwhelming. Maybe it's the time commitment. Maybe you have some preconceived notions about therapy. Maybe it's the cost. But listen, we spend time and money at the gym on organic groceries. Some of you are essential oil people, some of you have tracker watches, some of you just knit all day. I don't know what it is, but when it comes to our mental and emotional well being, we don't want to spend the money, we don't want to spend the time. We hesitate. Your mental and emotional health are just as important as your physical health. And the good news? Better help makes therapy more affordable and more convenient than ever. Since it's online, you can talk with your therapist when it works for your schedule. No waiting rooms, no long commutes, and no six month waiting lists. You just get online and fill out a short survey and they'll match you with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. Hear me say this, your well being is worth it. You are worth it. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H E L p.com DeLoney all right, let's go out to Shreveport, Louisiana. Write down old i20 there and talk to Abby. Hey, Abby, what's up?

[D]

Hey, Dr. John. Thanks for calling me. I was just listening to your show this morning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I appreciate you. Hopefully it was a good A good show this. This morning. What's up?

[D]

Well, I currently work my dream job away from home, but I'm getting married in a couple of months, and I'm worried about my ability to be the wife that I want to be while working off. And I don't know, at what point do I give up on my dream job?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is working off? What do you mean?

[D]

I work about two hours away from home, and during the week I have to stay out of town, and then I only get to come home on the weekends.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So can we. Can we say out of the gate, this is clearly not a dream job.

[D]

The things.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a job that you like.

[D]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or it's a great job, but it does not give you the life you want.

[D]

No, it's. It's like I have to sacrifice my personal life to have this work life that I want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what do you want this work life for?

[D]

I'm just really passionate about the work that I get to do. I get to work with animals regularly. I'm out in the woods every day. And so it's extremely fulfilling in that aspect. But I do have to sacrifice a lot of my personal life for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you tell me, can you. What's the chances of moving closer?

[D]

The only reason that that is not an option for us is my fiance makes a significantly more money than I do at this job, and his job is located two hours away from this one. So moving is just not an option because he would have to take such a significant pay cut for us to do that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Man, you guys have boxed yourselves in, haven't you?

[D]

Yes, we have. And both of our families live close to where his job is, and we are extremely close to our families and want to keep that. Our goal has always been to live close to our family so that one day when we do have kids, you know, we're raising them with our village.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so is some of this. He knows who he married and he knows that you're out of town four days a week.

[D]

Yes. Yeah, he knows. He's extremely supportive. He. My job is also his dream job, so he's extremely supportive and he understands why I'm doing it. The hope has been for me to eventually get a job down in central Louisiana, where we live, but it seems like that's not. That's not going to become a thing anytime soon because I've been waiting on some jobs to come open, but they've been canceled with a lot of the federal funding cuts and pushed back, so.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, it's a. Yeah. That's a conservation nightmare. I've been reading up on that. It's wild, man. So I'm. What is it about your job that you love?

[D]

I would say it doesn't even feel like I'm working when I'm at work. Like, I get to trap and band ducks and respond to wildlife emergency calls. I get to help landowners manage their properties so that they get quality deer herds. And I'm just. I'm outside and I'm having fun, and I'm in the sunshine every day. Like, it just feels like I'm outside playing every day. But it's work and I'm getting paid for it. And I can't tell you how many times I've been working and I'm like, man, I can't believe I'm getting paid right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Oh, man.

[D]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. I don't have a good solution for you, sister. I'm sorry. I wish I did. I don't have a great solution. I mean it.

[D]

I think my most recent fear with it, especially with all of these cuts, is if I do leave my job so that I can be home full time, I'm afraid that I'll never find another biologist job again. Especially not one that's this fun, because a lot of the jobs in my field are, you're doing, like, a lot of soil work and plant work. It's not as wildlife based, but this job is extremely wildlife based. It's like I hit the jackpot with a biologist job with this one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Well, and. And I guess there's two things I would. I would put on the table. One is nobody in the world. Nobody saw a conservative Senate House and presidency coming in and all of the resulting cuts to public land conservation. Nobody saw that coming.

[D]

No, I definitely didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nobody did in a billion years. Nobody saw that.

[D]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm watching the most conservative people I know who are outdoorsmen, just, like, in a panic. Right. I'm reading up. Nobody saw that coming. Here's why I tell you that the job that you have, will it still be here in 18 months, 24 months, 36 months? That's number one. I think it's the sense that, like, it's always going to be here. And all of your colleagues thought that, too. They thought that a month ago.

[D]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So that's number one. The second one is this one's unpopular. Right. My. Still probably my top one or two favorite jobs ever of all time. Like, the job I have right now is like a glitch in the matrix. It's not real. Okay.

[D]

Yeah, but I feel about my.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's, it's, it's silly. This is my job, okay? I was a high school basketball coach and a track coach. I loved it. And I coached cross country and then I went to basketball season and then went to track season. And I was unmarried, I had no kids. And so I got up at 6:00. I had to be in my classroom by like 6:40, so. Because the bell rang at 7:10 or something, God awful early, and I'd get home at midnight and I just. That was just my life. And I loved it. I loved it. And I get to look back on it now in season as the great job that it was. It was a blast. I got to hang out with lots of amazing high school athletes, lots of amazing high school kids. I mean, it was just an amazing coaches. I got to learn so much. It was a great time in my life. And it would be completely impractical now with the life I have now.

[D]

Right. And that's. I feel like I'm moving on to a new season of my life with getting married. And I have ideas of the kind of life I want to be. I want to be available, you know, And I just. I see how much my job takes away from my personal life and this dream, this idea of what I have, of what I want my personal life to be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I tell you what I think about you? How old are you?

[D]

I'm 25.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you're a person. Maybe I'm crazy. I think you're a person that will find joy at just about any job in the world.

[D]

You know what? My fiance actually told me that I'm a wildflower and I can grow anywhere I go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think he's right. I just. Listening to you talk, you know what was so crazy? My next job. I loved it. And then the job after that, I loved it. And there's some parts I don't love that aren't fun. About every job right now, Kelly's staring right at me. I don't love that. Right? But like, but like, there's. But like, I think you're a kind of person that's just gonna have pretty much a great life where you go. What I don't want you to do is I don't want you to have a fantasy about this picture of what being a wife is gonna look like and then subsequently feel like.

[D]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Then dump all that on your husband, okay? Because then you're gonna resent him, that you're not out Running around with deer.

[D]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you make this transition, I want you to take full ownership of it, and there's gonna be some sad parts to it. Just because you miss your old job and grieve, it doesn't mean that you creating this new picture isn't of great value. And it's going to be awesome.

[D]

I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you know yourself well enough to know I probably will not be good sitting in a windowless office.

[D]

Yeah, I would go crazy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, go crazy. So cool. But I don't know. I don't know, like, joining a yard crew or joining a land management team up there in central Louis. Like, who knows? But it won't be a. It wouldn't be a biologist, but, man, you've got a skill set that would be amazing to ranchers, to city parks, to. I don't know. You could be the. The next Leslie Knope. I don't. I don't know. But you just see, like a person that's gonna just be so full of joy wherever you go.

[D]

Well, I appreciate that. And I. I think that wherever I go, it'll be whatever I make of it.

[Derek]

Yeah.

[D]

I do agree with you saying that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But can we also say this? That's pretty sweet gig you have.

[D]

It is.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's. It's all right to be really sad about it.

[D]

Yes. And maybe you're right. Like, it is just a season of my life that I'll look back on and show photos to my kids and be like, look how. How awesome your mom used to be. Well, I'll. Hopefully I'll still be awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You'll still be awesome, but instead of tagging ducks, you'll be all camoed up and you'll be like, well, now we're hun. I don't know what you'll be doing, but, like, I think it'll be up to you to make sure I know what keeps me whole and well, and that is being outside.

[D]

Right. And I'm just. I'm. I've been doing this now for close to two years, and I can feel. I feel myself getting burnt out. The job duties that keep me going, like, that's the only thing that keeps me going. But as soon as I'm off the clock, I'm sad because I know I'm not going home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[D]

To my home.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. So. So let's. Let's. Let's. Let's do a couple of things. One, let's exhale. What an amazing two years you've been able to have you Got a biologist dream job. You've been running around and it fit you like, it fit you like a glove. This particular job for this particular season, that's amazing. And you've decided, I want to have this other kind of life, and it's not going to be compatible. I can't. I can't drive two hours one way to work. And so I'm going to grieve it. I'm going to be sad about it. Maybe you and your husband have a ceremony, like a, Like a, Like a cheesy little ceremony, like, this is the end of this particular season, and now I'm going to work really hard to find an outdoor job, a job I can run around. And it's not going to be as good, but we're not going to compare because we've got a much bigger world that we're trying to create now. And when you have those moments where you feel sad or you see a whole bunch of deer on the side of the road, when you're driving in the middle of Louisiana, you can have that little lump in your throat, like, oh, so fun. Or, man, this, this, this particular field, it needs to have this kind of grass instead of this. You'll be able to do all that kind of stuff. But, man, maybe you find yourself as a biology teacher and you are communicating to these kids, like, how amazing conservation is and how amazing the outdoor world is. I mean, that's awesome, but you get to create the next season of your life. And, dude, I'm. I just applaud you for being a person who finds joy. And I applaud you for being a person who says, I have a different picture for my life and it's going to cost me the one I'm living right now. I'm going to make that happen. You're amazing, Abby. Amazing. Amazing. Hang on the phone. My wedding gift to you is we're going to hook you up with all the questions for humans, for couples, for you and your fiance and as he becomes your husband. And also, Hang on the Line, I'm going to send you my buddy Ken Coleman's book, Work youk're Wired to Do. It's got a. It's got a. Like a survey in there, like an inventory to see what kind of jobs you might be interested in. And it might be a good way for you to start exploring new careers with the passions that you already have. So Hang on the Line here. I'll hook you up with those. With those gifts. Congratulations and thank you for brightening up our show a Little bit today. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right. So Easter has come and gone again. And just like there's no finish line for your physical health or your mental and emotional well being, there's no finish line for being still and intentional about gratitude, about growing in your faith, or about building a relationship with God. And this is good news. Intentionality about spiritual matters is a practice and any time can be a new starting point. So if you committed to consistent prayer, gratitude, or a practice of reflection during Lent, I want to encourage you to keep going. These small daily habits add up to a transformed life. For my daily practice, I personally use Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world. It's a great tool to help me stay connected, to help me slow down, and to help me be grateful. Whether it's guided meditation, music or scripture readings, Hallow helps me stay mindful even when life's gone bonkers. So set reminders, carve out time and keep leaving space for your faith with Hallo. When you sign up right [e-mail] Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So even if you missed out on lint, it's still a great time to start again. Go to hallow.com that's H A L L O W. Hello.com Deloney for three months for free. All right, we are back. I have a money and marriage question here. Here's the question. Our son and daughter in law live about four and a half hours from us. She is his whole world, which we agree should be his first commitment. However, while they spend time with her family almost weekly. Oh, here comes the scorekeeping. We are lucky to see them two to three times a year. All calls are initiated by us. We're always very open with communication prior to their marriage. But since then we feel like we've been shut out of their lives. Often we've gently told them we love them and we want to love and support them. Even though we are not nearby. We've shown we are more than willing to visit them, but we are never invited. How do we manage resentment that keeps resurfacing mostly towards our daughter in law? Number one, get over yourself. Get over yourself. You raised an independent son who is off creating the life that you raised him to create. Get over it. That's number one. Now number two, don't just get all the way over it. Okay, I want you to pick up the phone and tell your son I'm coming down to probably his dad. Dad, I'm coming down to meet with your son. I want to take you to lunch, take you to breakfast, just us two, and drive down and say, hey, I'm creating a whole bunch of stories in my head. Me and your mom are creating a whole bunch of stories in our head. And I guess I just want to tell you I miss you. And it's not your job to make us feel like we have purpose in the world or whatever, but we really miss you. And we miss how connected we used to be. And we know that you're married, and we know you've got a new life, and we know all that. We. We get all that, but, man, we miss you. What does it look like for us to visit? What does it look like you've turned into a. Like, a bad caller, a bad communicator. I'd love to talk to you, but I want to feel like we're not invading on you. Like, what's the best way we can do this? We feel like behavior is a language. Feel like we're getting the message you don't want us in your life. And maybe y'all are too much. Maybe he's finding a different level of peace with being around his new wife and her family. Maybe he just gets to exhale. I don't know. I don't know. If y'all show up and you're criticized and complain, if you're like, well, why are you doing this? What? I don't know. Who knows? I don't know what the dynamic is, but if dad drives down and meets with his son. Presence is a huge thing. And saying the words, hey, I've been making up all these stories over the last couple of years. I'm so happy for you. And, golly, I miss you, man. I miss you so much. The stories I'm making up are that, like, we drive you crazy. You don't want to talk to us anymore, and I don't want to be a burden. But also, man, we miss you. And sometimes I wish you'd call your mom. Talk to me, Bud. Talk to me. And that's. That's how I'd approach it in unspoken, unspoken secrets, unspoken frustrations turn into those resentments. And that's not fair. For his new wife. It's not fair because your son doesn't call you, and y'all don't like calling him. You want him to have to do the work, fine. You can put those expectations on him. But if he doesn't meet them, blaming his new wife is simply unfair. It's not cool. I also want you all to be reflective. Are y'all critical? Do y'all show up and just sit on your phones the whole time? Do y'all show up and don't have any idea, like, what do you want to do? I don't know. I don't like. Like, how are y'all participating in his life? And then some of it is, yeah, man, this is kind of what happens. He goes off and begins his new adventure. And maybe calls being initiated by you aren't such a bad thing. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. This one's tough, man. The only way this gets solved is by people speaking face to face with each other and being humble and saying, hey, I miss you. Hey, I'm making up stories. You sent this text, and I interpreted it this way. Am I. Am I out to lunch? My story is y'all are making. I'm making y'all crazy. We've made you crazy. My story that we're making up is your new wife doesn't like us. Is there ways. Is there things we can do to become more likable because we want to be around you guys? That's the way to have that conversation. Giving your son more chores as an adult as he's starting his new family is just a recipe for him to continue to isolate and go on about his life without you. Now it's time to have mano emano. Two guys sitting down saying, I miss you, buddy. How can we reconnect? Love you guys. Bye.