My Wife Has Been Having An Affair With My Best Friend

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: My Wife Has Been Having An Affair With My Best Friend
Host: Dr. John Delony, Ramsey Network
Date: February 16, 2026

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show centers on real, candid conversations about relationships, mental health, and navigating painful life transitions. The featured call is from a man dealing with the devastation of his wife's prolonged affair with multiple friends, including his best friend. Subsequent segments cover boundary setting with family and maintaining parent relationships when making major life changes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Marriage Betrayal and Its Fallout

Caller: Dylan (Salt Lake City, Utah)

• Situation: Dylan’s wife of almost 10 years had a six-year affair with his best friend, along with several of his other friends. They have 4 children (an 8-year-old and triplets aged 4).
• Timeline: Emotional affair started around 2018, physical in late 2019; truth came out August of the previous year.
• Current Status: Separated but living in flux; wife claims remorse but keeps returning to affair partners; Dylan is unsure about next steps but distrusts his wife.

Key Quotes:

• “I feel like I don’t know who she is. I feel like I can’t trust anything she says when she tells me that she’s sorry.” — Dylan (03:10)
• "Your wife slept with your friends, back and forth, a lot of them, for a long, long time." — Dr. John (04:25)
• "That sounds untenable to me." — Dr. John (06:15)

Discussion Highlights:

• Dylan struggled with trust and felt his social circle implode upon learning more about the breadth of his wife’s betrayals.
• He struggled with wanting full transparency to avoid ongoing humiliation.
• Dr. John emphasized the gravity of repeated, hidden betrayals and the importance of decisive, clear action for Dylan’s emotional health and the safety of his children.
• Dr. John framed the situation as a profound violation, not simply disrespect:
  "It’s not even disrespect, dude. It’s disregard... I just need you to hear me say, you’re worth more than that.” (08:34)
• The pain goes beyond infidelity into a larger loss of community, trust, and personal stability.
• Dylan’s self-restraint and focus on not reacting destructively were praised; both acknowledged that “everyone makes mistakes,” but this crossed a different threshold.

Advice & Insights:

• The old marriage is “gone, does not exist. Period.” Rebuilding would mean total transparency and boundaries: “No phones in this house, wherever you need for six months... she gets to decide if she’s in or out on that deal.” (11:11)
• Decisiveness is key; dithering prolongs pain. “At some point you’re going to just take a ball of yarn and wrap yourself tight in it.” (09:44)
• Dr. John underscored prioritizing children’s safety and having an “anchored father” if the mother can’t provide consistent stability.
• He urged Dylan to begin with self-care, assembling community, therapy, a fitness regimen, and not taking the “easy path,” but the one that builds the most integrity and future for himself and his kids.

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2. Setting Boundaries with a Younger Sibling (Sarah’s Call)

Caller: Sarah (Philadelphia)

• Situation: Sarah, turning 30, is taking in her 17-year-old brother to give him a stable place to finish school. Her family history includes trauma, substance abuse, and blurred boundaries.
• Concern: How to set boundaries “in a way that keeps him safe, teaches responsibility, and protects our relationship.”

Key Quotes:

• “The greatest gift for him will be that you set some really hard boundaries... and as a 17-year-old, his job will be to bang his head on those boundaries and see if they hold.” — Dr. John (23:00)
• “Tiptoeing around is going to rob him of the thing he needs most, which is an anchored presence.” — Dr. John (26:05)

Discussion Highlights:

• The importance of being clear and specific—“I want to give you a stable environment and hold boundaries firm... You cannot bring alcohol [or] drugs into this home.” (33:00)
• Sarah should make expectations explicit, “You have to be in this house by midnight,” etc., to avoid ambiguity.
• The necessity of accepting that sometimes, clear boundaries may result in the sibling choosing to leave, but that’s their choice, not the caretaker’s failure.
• Acknowledgement of Sarah’s own pain and pressure to manage everyone else's emotions—Dr. John: “You have been holding yourself responsible for other people’s actions your whole life.” (30:55)

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3. Maintaining Family Relationships Amid Major Moves (Marie’s Call)

Caller: Marie (Spokane Valley, WA)

• Situation: Marie and her husband are moving across the country for better career prospects; her mother reacts with “guilt-tripping,” struggling with the impending loss.
• Concern: How to maintain a strong relationship with her parents despite the move.

Key Quotes:

• “Just because it’s uncomfortable or painful doesn’t mean it’s not the right move.” — Dr. John (42:30)
• “Give them full permission to be mad, to grieve, to be sad, to be heartbroken, to be all of those things. It would be weird if they’re like, ‘All right, my favorite daughter and a brand new grandbaby are moving across the country — yay!’” (42:05)

Discussion Highlights:

• Dr. John affirmed there’s no way to avoid the pain or change in relationship; relationships will change, and grief is normal.
• Suggestions: set up regular calls or visits, let parents grieve freely, and keep communication loving.
• Recognized the importance of making decisions in the best interest of one’s family, despite the emotional fallout.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "You choosing to pretend you don’t know what has to be done... at some point you’re going to just take a ball of yarn and wrap yourself tight in it." — Dr. John to Dylan, about stuckness and avoidance (09:44)
• "Clarity is kindness. Clarity is love. Clarity is a gift. Specificity is a gift." — Dr. John to Sarah, on boundaries (34:09)
• “Give them full permission to be mad, to grieve, to be sad, to be heartbroken, to be all of those things.” — Dr. John to Marie, on parents’ reactions to their move (42:05)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Dylan’s Story: Wife’s Affair Unveiled: 00:05–16:21
• Discussion of Next Steps & Self-Care: 09:09–16:21
• Sarah: Setting Boundaries for Sibling: 21:44–34:43
• Boundaries and Personal Growth: 28:23–34:21
• Marie: Managing Moves and Parent Grief: 38:58–45:47

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Tone and Language

Dr. John maintains a direct, compassionate, and sometimes blunt tone—he’s unafraid to call out hard truths but balances that with empathy and validation. The conversations are honest, accessible, and grounded in practical advice.

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Summary

This episode presents raw, real-life dilemmas—infidelity, familial responsibility, and life transitions—handled with steady, empathetic guidance. Dr. John pushes for clarity, self-care, and anchored living, reminding listeners that sometimes the hardest decisions are the path to genuine healing and growth. The show is anchored in real talk—no sugarcoating, just practical support for navigating the messiest parts of life.

Transcript

[A]

How or if my marriage can move forward after my wife's affair of over six years with somebody who claimed to be my best friend.

[B]

You have kids?

[A]

Yeah, we've got an 8 year old and 34 year olds.

[B]

34 year olds. Because why not? Are you confident that they are all yours? Welcome, welcome. This is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show. I'm glad that you are here talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your parenting, whatever you got going on in your life. Real people going through real challenges. I'm glad that you've joined us. Let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah, to the utes and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?

[A]

Hey, John. How's it going?

[B]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

[A]

Pretty good. Just want to say I'm a longtime listener and big fan. So it's super stoked to be here talking to you. It's crazy, dude.

[B]

I'm a fan of you. I'm glad that you called, man. What's up?

[A]

So basically I'm just wondering how or if my marriage can move forward after my wife's affair of over six years. Somebody who claimed to be my best friend and several of my other friends.

[B]

Dude, I'm sorry, man. How long have y' all been married?

[A]

We've been married since 2016.

[B]

So she's been having an affair almost the whole time?

[A]

Yeah, well over. Well over half emotionally. It started probably 2018 and then didn't get physical until late 2019.

[B]

Do you have kids?

[A]

Yeah, we've got an 8 year old and three 4 year olds.

[B]

Three 4 year olds. Because. Why not, right? Let's make this as complicated as possible. Are. Are you. Yes. Are you confident that they're all yours?

[A]

Yeah, I had them tested. When? Shortly after we found out that was August of last year.

[B]

Okay, so y' all have been just treading water for a year now?

[A]

Yeah, for the last four or five months. We separated sort of in the same house and then I got her a different place to rent while I stayed in a hotel and then I moved back into the family house and now, yeah, we're still separated. Just trying to see how things are going to go. I've proposed divorce once, you know, thought my mind was made up and she went back to her affair partner and then kind of waffled and came back to me again after that. Apologized all over again. She claims to be really remorseful, so she wants to try again. So she sees things in a different light now. I just. I just have a hard time with, with everything.

[B]

Yeah, I imagine so. I imagine so. Man. How can I help? What a mess.

[A]

Basically, like, I just don't know where to go with it, you know? I mean, it's, it's. I feel like I don't know who she is. I feel like I can't trust anything she says when she tells me that she's sorry.

[B]

Both of the things, both of those things are true. So you're not crazy?

[A]

Yeah, I feel crazy. You know, my whole social circle has been exploded, even outside of this one. You know, one of my really, really good buddies that I grew up with, I just found out recently was also involved. This was two weeks ago. I found that out.

[B]

So involved, like, knew about it but didn't tell you.

[A]

Knew about it and was also, I guess you could say a victim to it or me and him messed around recently.

[B]

Your wife and this guy too?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Good God, dude.

[A]

I mean, yeah, they're just, I had to, I stopped digging a long time ago. I didn't want any more names, but they just keep coming out and I just don't know what to do with it.

[B]

I, I, I don't know if that's true. I feel like you do know and you just understand the complexity and how hard doing the next right thing is going to be for you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, your wife slept with your.

[A]

Friends, back and forth, a lot of.

[B]

Them, for a long, long time.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Friends, plural.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You had to go get your children tested because of your wife's lack of integrity. And by the way, let's just put this out there. After you've known about this affair, y' all separated, she didn't have the courage to come say, hey, he's not the only one.

[A]

Right?

[B]

So it's not like she fell in love with somebody, made a terrible long term mistake. She is a liar. That's who she is, in her, in her soul. And I hate to put it out like that, but she's a person who will just spit in her husband's face, man. Like, my wife and I even have a joke like that. And again, I'm not saying that it's okay and I'll be yada yada. But I always tell my wife, like, hey, if you're gonna cheat on me, don't embarrass me. Like, don't cheat with my friends. Right? And that's always a joke. But like, for whatever reason, in my heart, in my head, there's a, there's an extra layer to that. You know what I mean? Yeah, that's A guy you invite. Those are guys, those are men you invited into your home not knowing that they're hooking up with your wife.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Yeah. Dude, I, I, I, I. Sounds to me like you know what the next step is and you know how insanely complicated and messy this is going to make everything because you have three, you have triplets, you have another kid, and you never dreamed of being a divorced dad. You never dreamed of not being able to see your kids. You understand that your wife's probably gonna have a rotating cadre of men in and out of that house and what that's going to cost those kid, all of that.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

But the alternative is, is to have an unsafe, like, and when I say unsafe, I mean physically unsafe. You don't know what she's bringing home to you. An unsafe, unreliable, non integrous person sharing your bed. And that sounds untenable to me.

[A]

Yeah, it is a really difficult thing to conceptualize and I, I still have a hard time even painting her in that light, you know?

[B]

I know. And you've listened to my show long enough to know I hate talking about a guy's wife like this, but dude, she's, she. Breaks my heart for you, man. The lack of character there. And here's what's crazy is I'm overly sympathetic, right? Like, I'm overly, I get a lot of grief from this online, but I'm overly optimistic about people, even in long term affairs, being able to like completely do a 180, clear the deck and rebuild a marriage. But the fact that she lied to you after all of your pain and still is hold, and you don't know what if, what other names are going to pop up? You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah, that's what I have the hardest time with is, you know, when it all first came out, I gave it a couple weeks to cool off and just said like, hey, I just need full transparency, you know, so that, just so that I know, because I don't want to be walking around talking to these guys, continuing to hang out with these guys when, when there's been more. Right?

[B]

Dude, she, she got two inches from you and spit in your face.

[A]

Yeah, right. That's what it feels like.

[B]

No, that's what happened. And she was like, no, no, go back to those guys. I've been with other ones of them too. They won't tell. You're too stupid to find out. Go ahead and go back with them.

[A]

That's brutal.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's shameful. It's shameful to put. Dude, I wouldn't do that to a stranger. You know what I mean?

[A]

No, I wouldn't wish this, this kind of pain on anybody. Like, I wouldn't wish it on the dude that she was sleeping.

[B]

I know, but if someone, even a stranger who was like, hey, I'm gonna go back in this building. Is everything okay? And you're like, yeah, it's good. I wouldn't do that to. To someone I don't know.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Much less the father of my kids.

[A]

Yeah, that's. That's been my biggest hang up is just the. The disrespect. I had to be there for it, you know?

[B]

And it's not even disrespect, dude. It's disregarded. Like, you're not even. You're not even worthy of disrespect. Being like disrespecting you. You're worthy of nothing. I. Dude, I just. I need to hear you. I need you to hear me say, you're worth more than that from your friends. I applaud you for not being in jail. How about that?

[A]

That's what my therapist says, too.

[B]

Good on you. Because I visited some homes when people get out of jail and I go, I wouldn't have done that. But I get it. Right? Like, I get it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That you didn't go knocking on these dudes doors. Good on you. I'm glad you didn't. That's maturity that many of us don't have. But. But here's the other thing. You choosing. And this is. That's a hard thing to say because I recognize the depth of grief here. Okay. Choosing to. For lack of better terms. And I. Man, this is a mean thing for me to say, but I'm gonna say it direct. Okay. Choosing to pretend you don't know what has to be done or what the next move is, and just sitting there going, I don't know, man. I don't know, man. I don't know. Like, at some point you're gonna just take a ball of yarn and wrap yourself tight in it.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, I know it's. It's been ineffective up to this point. Right?

[B]

Yeah, maybe that's a good word to.

[A]

Her either, which, I know fairness is out the window, but.

[B]

Yeah, I'm not really playing the fair game right now. What I'm going to do is a. I'm going to make sure that my children have a safe and anchored father because they don't have a safe and anchored mother. And so you being really honest about. What do I need right now to make sure I can get up and be as present as possible when this woman and these men in my life blew everything that I was anchored into to smithereens.

[A]

Right. And I've got some good resources. You know, I've been a member of the Iron Council since March. I was leading into that.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Leading up to this, you know, so it's good that I was kind of prepared in that fashion. And again, you know, there's a lot of influences in there that say you should try to save it. Give her the benefit of the doubt.

[B]

You know, whatever she's lost, any benefit of the doubt that's gone. If you want to save it, what has. Here's what has to happen. You have to completely 100 clear the deck. Your old marriage is gone, does not exist, Period.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And so you have to look at a barren landscape and say, ask yourself what must be true. And then you have to give her a super clear path back to reestablishing trust. And it can be caustic. No phones in this house, no whatever. I need to know where you are for six months. Like you, whatever you think you need to reestablish trust. And then she gets to decide whether I'm in or out on that deal. But I'm telling you right now based on her I, I, because I, Dude, I've just sat with too many couples who, they discover infidelity, they discover a one night stand, they discover a long term or they admit to a long term affair with somebody. And there is a period at the end of that sentence, I was wrong, I screwed up. Here's everything. Lie detector test. I've heard it all. Yeah, but I've also heard, and I'm gonna tell you, I've seen couples come back from the not the brink. I've seen them come back from having descended into hell. And it's amazing to watch and it's bumpy and it's, it's back and forth and it's screw ups and all that, but it's, it's pretty inspiring. It's why I do this show. But for somebody to let their husband a find out that they were sleeping with their best friend for six years with a break for triplets and then to like to go through all of that pain, all that hurt, all that separation, and then not be like, hey, by the way, there's, I was with other of your friends too, man, that shows a level of cowardice and dishonesty. That's just, man, that's going to be a tough rebuild.

[A]

Yeah. That's been my other hang up is if they had to get caught that it would still be. Still be going if. If things didn't go down the way that they did, you know?

[B]

Yeah. Dude, it grosses me out for you, man. I can't tell you what to do. I can tell you that what has to be done, either direction has to be very decisive and very clear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just the being surrounded by molasses right now, by syrup. You know that feeling I'm talking about, like you feel like you're just in a spider's web, like, oh, yeah. Make a commitment to yourself that that's going to end today. I'm going to start taking some really decisive action.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And that might mean. That might mean you sit with an attorney and find out what full custody looks like. That might mean you sit down and look at finances and figure out what that's going to look like. Because here's the other thing. I promise you. You know what? It's not fair of me to do that. Tell me I'm wrong. A person who lacks integrity at this level can't be trusted in other areas either. Is that fair?

[A]

I mean, again, I hate to assume that, you know, because she's the mother of my kids, but that was. That was my first. My first go to. And the same seems to be the consensus from what I hear from everybody else that I talked.

[B]

No, no, I'm not talking about sexually. Clearly she does that. But I'm talking about you can't trust her with how she spends money. You can't trust her with how when y' all make an agreement on how we're going to take care of the kids or do a thing that she shows up 100 of the time and let. That would be a. A deep pathology that she is like a psychosis. If she is perfect in these other areas and just happens to sleep with all your friends and rub your nose in it, that would be really out of the ordinary.

[A]

And she seems to be like, I'll be honest. She's. From what I've observed and what the kids say, you know, she's a really good mother. She takes. Took good care of the house when we were together and was not super literate financially, but she wasn't irresponsible. I would say.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And that's. That's what weirds me out. Right. It's like she was good in all these other areas, but just totally had, like you said, the disregard for me.

[B]

And her kids and Herself.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Disregard for everybody.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And these other guys, are they married?

[A]

Yes. That's the other weird thing.

[B]

Disregard for their families. Yeah. I mean, just somebody who will do that to the person that's closest to them. Somebody that will do that to multiple other families and then lie about it, then be silent about it and watch their husband just drown in the living room that they share. There's a level of cruelty that's just hard for me to stomach.

[A]

I get that. I feel like I should point out that post separation, I made some mistakes myself.

[B]

Everybody has. Everybody has. Everybody has.

[A]

I know. Okay. I just want to put that out there. You know, I'm not.

[B]

I know you're not.

[A]

I'm not the perfect one here.

[B]

I know. None of us are. I'm. I'm sure as hell not. None of us are. But the. The decisive action that you need to take is going to start in the mirror. How do I become as whole as possible so that I can be an anchored presence for these kids, these four kids, these three maniacal triplets. And triplets come with a bunch of medical challenges. They come with. With just tons of stuff. Financial. It's just tough, tough, tough. And you have an older one. How. What do I. What must be true? I gotta have someone I talk to. I gotta have a gang. I gotta have some friends. I gotta have some sort of spiritual community that's bigger than me. That's just my opinion. I've gotta have a fitness practice of some sort. Whether it's just going for walks, for crying out loud. I've got to take care of myself so that I can do the next. Right, really hard things for a long time. And my challenge to you is don't take the easy path. And what I mean by that is it might be easy just to, you know, clear your hands and just say, here's all the money here. We're getting divorced. But you can have everything. I'll fund everything. That's an easy path. It's hard, but that's a. That's a. That's an easy way to dust your hands off. The other side of it is, you know what? You're a good mom. You don't. You don't blow all of our money. I can't trust you further than I can see you. I can't even trust you when I'm seeing you. I don't know who you're texting. I don't know, whatever. But I'm just going to deal with that part for a while until that implodes. Again and again and again. And so what I want to challenge you to do is choose the hard path. What's the path that is going to give you the best chance to be the person you want to be. And if you think it's right to clear the deck and give her one more chance, I'm not going to stop you. I'm just gonna implore you, dude, to be as clear as possible about what must be true for her to be successful rebuilding your marriage. But the fact that she went back to the your best friend who's also married, after all that pain, and then she suddenly was like, oh, you know what? I had an epiphany, man. That's hard for me to buy, but I also can't own. I can't own for you that I told you to get divorced and told you to run. That's got to be a decision you make and you own or that you make and own to stay. I'm just telling you it's time to make some really decisive decisions one way or another and be very clear about your next steps. Thanks for the call, brother. God, man, I'd hug you if you were here, dude. It's a lot of pain in that little household. You're not crazy. You're not crazy. We come back, a woman asks how to set boundaries with her brother while also trying to stay supportive. Two things that my listeners care about are sleeping well and healthy kids. 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[C]

Hi, Dr. John.

[D]

How are you?

[B]

I'm doing good. How are you?

[C]

You know, I'm totally cool. I'm casual and not sleep deprived from rehearsing this call in my head like a thousand times.

[B]

Well, I'll try to. I'll try to take it a totally weird direction. So your rehearsals were B for not. So what's up?

[C]

Sounds good. Okay, so my question is, I turned 30 and basically my 17 year old brother is going to be moving in with me here next week. He's going to be 18 soon and I basically just stepped in because I want to give him a stable place to finish school and start his first job. What I want to ask you is how do I set and hold boundaries since he's nearly an adult in a way that keeps, keeps him safe, teaches him responsibility and at the same time protects our relationship?

[B]

I think like answer. I'm going to answer this in reverse order. I think you have to uncouple protecting Your relationship from the. The idea of protecting your relationship from him always liking you.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

The greatest gift for him will be that you set some really hard boundaries that probably given his upbringing, his, his family, his home situation, he is not going to be used to or he's not going to be comfortable with. And as a 17 year old, his job will be to bang his head on those boundaries and see if they hold.

[C]

And that's exactly the place that we're in right now, even before we've actually moved in together. So.

[B]

Well, you, you're going to have to hold him living with you very loosely. And what I mean by that is the greatest gift for him is a place to stay with really powerful, strong thought out boundaries and then looking him dead in the eye and saying you can choose to go back to where you were, but it. I will never kick you out, but you might do some things where you choose to leave. Yeah, right. And that's the seed of. She's always there for me. But I made some choices that. And so I want you to spend before his, before his bags drop in one of your spare rooms. I want you to have done the work saying what must be true for this house.

[C]

And I definitely have touched on that a little bit. My dilemma here is, is just kind of the background with my family. I just feel like certain things that have happened have like really thrown my nervous system into an overdrive and I don't want to push him away in certain ways.

[B]

Talk less Internet talk. Like be specific. What do you mean?

[C]

Okay, just to give you a little background. Kind of grew up in a family where boundaries like with relationships were kind of blurred. And that's something that I'm kind of like identifying.

[B]

What does that mean? Be specific.

[C]

Just kind of the way, kind of the limits that I don't want to like call anyone out. I'll use my own relationship for an example. Right now my husband and I are not living together because of a relapse. And then another huge thing that happened in my life and 2024 was my brother. My brother had OD.

[B]

A different brother.

[C]

And yes, my other younger brother.

[B]

Did he pass away?

[C]

He did.

[B]

I'm sorry, what was his name?

[C]

His name was Michael.

[B]

Michael. I'm so sorry.

[C]

Thank you, Dr. John.

[B]

That one's still close.

[C]

It's super close. And it's just like I'm trying to be extremely careful and you know, I don't want to threaten my other brother by any means or you know, that's why the risk for me to like Push him away or, you know, just send him back to where he was living. Feels so much greater.

[B]

Yeah, but here's the thing. Tiptoeing around is going to rob him of the thing he needed he needs most, which is an anchored presence. He's been living around tiptoes and overturned tables and like he's been treading water for his whole life. What's he need? What he needs is a concrete foundation.

[C]

And that's what I'm trying to establish, I guess.

[B]

Okay. What you have, I wouldn't wish your last two years on anybody. Okay. But out of that ash, you have the ability, you have the lived experience of looking at him in the eyes and saying, I lost our brother. I may have lost my husband. I will not do substance abuse in this house. You cannot bring alcohol, you cannot bring drugs into this home. I want you here more than anything in the world. But if you bring these into the house, you're choosing to leave. Please, please don't choose to leave. Do you get that sort of firm? And I want to hold your hand. I'll give you a hug while I tell you this thing. And that will give him probably the most clarity and anchored in presence he's ever had before. If you don't do that, here's the recipe. I mean, here's the playbook. Here's what's going to happen. He's going to come, he's going to drop his bags, he's going to be so relieved that he got out of his other house. He's going to be an angel for a week or two. And then his old demons are going to go calling and they're going to set off every alarm system you have because you grew up in that home too. And you escaped that home and you married somebody that recreated that home with you. And you'll fall right back into your old habits of people pleasing, of tiptoeing, of enabling. Whatever challenges you've experienced, they'll just kick right back up again. And that won't be fair to you. And it really won't be fair to this young kid.

[C]

So the fair thing to do, the right thing to do, would just be to uphold them clear as clearly as possible. No matter if it sends him back.

[A]

To where he, he will, he will.

[B]

Be choosing to go. And I would be, I would overstate that. I. I overstate that. With my kids, my 10 year old and my 15 year old, I overstate that. I will never, ever, ever send you away, ever. But there are some things you can do that you choose to leave. And please don't do that because my life is better. Our house works better. When you're here, I want you here. My heart is missing a piece. When you choose to leave.

[C]

Oh, that's going to be a. That's going to be a hard one.

[B]

It is. What. But what's the alternative?

[C]

The same repeating the same patterns, I guess.

[B]

The exact same things, only worse. Because now he's going to have a. A lived experience of, oh, I failed in this relationship too. What he needs is some weight on the bar, on the responsibility of life. But his muscles are so underdeveloped that we can't just throw him under a squat rack. Right? It'll crush him. But a sister who is opening up her home, who loves him. Who loves him enough to say, I just lost my brother. You lost your brother. I'm about to lose my husband. I'm telling you, I've been down this road. I love you so much. I want you here. I'll even go as far as say I need you here. And here are the rules of this house. And you don't have to stay. I will give you everything. I'll help you get a job. I'll help you get into college. I don't know what your financial situation is, but you might help to cover a semest. I. I'll help you do everything. But you, as a 17, about to be 18 year old, have choices that you get to make. And Sarah, if you're honest about your life, and I don't want to read too much into your story with like a little magic wand here, but you have been, it sounds like you have been holding yourself responsible for other people's actions your whole life.

[C]

That you hit the nail on the head, that's for sure.

[B]

Okay. The only person you can hold responsible for their actions is you. That's not true. I mean, you can hold people accountable, but in terms of who can you be responsible for? You. And if you have minor children in the house, then you can literally force them. Right? But you have a borderline adult trapped in a child's body. Right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And that body has been riddled with chaos. What? Where's your parents in all of this?

[C]

They're supportive. I just. With their own, you know, relationship. I just feel like I grew up in the same exact patterns. They were repeating. And the thing that I needed most is, you know, someone to push me a little harder, to give me just a consistent environment. There's a lot of, like, moving around. So for him, I just feel like we're very similar and we just need somewhere to, to be anchored into.

[B]

Will you tell him that? That 15 years ago the thing I needed more than anything else was stability. And mom and dad couldn't give it to us. And so I'm going to give that to you.

[C]

For sure. We've definitely had conversations about that. And I just feel like right now the thing I need to do most is to be that, you know, role model for him. And I don't want to slip back into the same patterns. I feel like I had an awakening this year and I just like cannot, I cannot go back to what once was.

[B]

I love it. I love it. And so here's where I want you to really focus on. Okay? I want you to be very, very specific about what must be true inside your home. And if you say things like, I want to give you a stable environment and I want to hold boundaries firm to a 17 year old, you might as well be speaking Greek. Those are all good umbrella statements. But he has to know, here's where the rubber meets the road. You have to be in this house by midnight. You cannot take your cell phone into your bedroom. You cannot bring drugs and alcohol into this house. You cannot bring a girlfriend over to spend the night. Whatever your rules are, your boundaries are, we will have dinner together at six o'. Clock. The, the, the, the food will be on the table at least two nights a week. You have to eat with me. When you turn 19, I hope you're still staying here, but you're going have to pay rent, 100 bucks a month. So what you're going to have to challenge yourself to do is ask is be very specific about what must be true. Otherwise you're going to use these big like therapeutic slash Instagram words. And as a 17 year old, he's going to be like, that's cool, whatever.

[C]

And that's exactly what he's been doing. At any time these kind of like conversations have come up and I'm just trying to get on his level a.

[B]

Little bit and specific, specific, specific. And by the way, that same, that same specificity will be a gift to your husband too. As y' all decide whether to stay, stay together or to separate permanently. Here's what must be true. No drugs or alcohol in this house ever. And then the other side of a relationship, which is always hard, is the other person can choose to leave. And if you lay out this stuff very clearly for your 17 year old about to be 18 year old brother and he looks at you and goes, I'm gonna stay at mom and dad's house. That is a choice he is legally allowed to make. And that doesn't mean you did anything wrong. That means you were the first person in his life to say, here's what love looks like, here's what responsibility looks like. Here's what true relationship building looks like. And he has 17 going on 18 years of no nervous system, no neural pathways, no lived experience of what that actually means. My guess is, though, he'll end up at your door at some point and it will be tough and you'll have to hold him accountable. And I don't know what consequences look like for an 18 year old or whatever, you have to make dinner this tonight or what, like at some point they're gonna say, I don't have to do anything. And it's like, cool, Then you can't live here. But clarity, clarity, clarity. Clarity is kindness. Clarity is love. Clarity is a gift. Specificity is a gift. And you need that. And he needs that. Thank you so much for being an older sister who will open her door to her struggling brother. My heart's broken for your family over the loss of your brother. I hope that your husband can see through the haze in the mirror that he wakes up to every morning and decides he's worth getting well and that y' all are worth rebuilding a new marriage. I hope, man. I hope, I hope, I hope. But the only person at the end of the day that you can control is you. And what must be true for you and your house so that you are well and whole and so that you can love well and whole people coming in that front door. Thanks for the call, sister. We come back, A woman asks how to move without damaging her relationship with her parents. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Sometimes it can feel like everyone else's lives, especially their love lives, are little perfect Hallmark movies. But here's the truth. Whether you're married, dating or single, everyone is still figuring out how to do relationships. I've been married for 23 and a half years. I've got a PhD. My wife has a PhD. And we know all the answers. But we're still trying to figure out how to keep our marriage rolling down the track. And both of us have greatly benefited from from our times with a good therapist. No matter if you just met someone or if you've been married forever like me, therapy can help you find your way. What you want, what feels heavy, and how you can take some pressure off yourself and your relationship. Whether for individuals or couples therapy, is an opportunity to identify what's getting in the way and help remove the blockers. To do this, I recommend Better Help. Better Help is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions through the platform. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. When it comes to love and relationships, everyone is still finding their ways. Find yours with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp H lp.com DeLoney all right, hey, take two seconds, two seconds and hit the subscribe button and the like button. It's 2026 and I got some big dreams for this show. And all of it starts with the people who regularly listen. You letting the Internet overlords and your friends and neighbors know, hey, there's a show out here where people are actually getting real help and I'm getting real help. And so take a second, hit the subscribe button, hit the like button. It does make a difference. All right, let's go out to Spokane Valley, Washington and talk to Dear Marie. What's up, Marie?

[D]

Hi, how are you?

[B]

I'm good. How are you?

[D]

I'm doing good.

[B]

What's up?

[D]

I'm so grateful I get to talk to you today.

[B]

I'm grateful to talk to you. Thanks for calling.

[D]

Yeah, of course. So me and my husband have decided to move across the United States because that is what is best for our family. And recently I told my parents that that has been our decision and that we will be moving here in about four months. And my dad is, you know, he's pretty understanding about the whole thing. But my mother especially is having a very hard time. And for the first couple of days, especially for like, I don't know, every single time I talk to her now, it's almost like she's guilt tripping without trying to guilt trip me that we're moving. So I just want to know how, you know, I can make the decision that's best for our family that we've already made and still have that strong relationship with my family that I do currently.

[B]

As you're just asking your question out loud, do you hear how it may not be possible?

[D]

Yes, I almost heard.

[B]

You realize that as you were asking, like, oh, because. Because do y' all live by them right now? Are you all close proximity?

[D]

Yeah, we're about a 15, 20 minute drive away from them right now.

[B]

And you're moving 15 or 20 hours away.

[D]

Yeah. Longer than that.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right. So your relationship won't be as close.

[D]

Right.

[B]

And your relationship will change dramatically.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And so those are all true realities. Those are real.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And sometimes our people, the people that we love and who love us and had a picture of us in their lives for an extended time don't know how to say the words, I love you, and my God, I'm gonna miss you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so they say things like, well, you know what you're doing to me? And do you know how big the taxes are there? And we did just fine here. And they start coming up with other things. And I have learned that one of the greatest gifts I can give myself and them is sometimes just to pull the phone away from my ear a little bit and whisper to myself, I love you. And I don't know how to say it right now.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

But everything in your relationship with your parents is going to change now. And I can hear that little. That beautiful, amazing sound is. Do you have a little baby?

[D]

Toddler. He's two and a half.

[B]

Okay. Do you have any other kids?

[D]

No, this is our first.

[B]

Okay, so you're taking their grandkids away.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

Yes. So. And I'm saying that to be dramatic.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

Give them full permission to be mad, to grieve, to be sad, to be heartbroken, to be all of those things.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It would be weird if they're like, all right, my favorite daughter and our grand. A brand new grandbaby are moving across the country.

[A]

Yay.

[D]

Right.

[B]

Because they think that they watch some YouTube videos and this is right for them. Like, that would be insane. Of course they're gonna be upset.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

All right, my question for you is, are you second guessing yourself?

[D]

No, I'm not.

[B]

Okay. So just because it's uncomfortable or it's painful doesn't mean it's not the right move.

[A]

Right?

[D]

Yeah, that makes sense.

[B]

A couple of things you could do that we did when we left. I mean, we're 15th generation Texan, and I know there's not that many generations, but we're. We're that, like, when we left, we did some things and we were able to financially, but we got some plane tickets for everybody for a couple of our family members. We set up the holidays before we left, so we invited everybody, and for those that couldn't make it, we made a way for them to come. So if that's possible, setting up a. Hey, every Tuesday, I want to do zoom every. Like, setting a couple of those things up. Before y' all leave might be helpful. It might be salt in a wound right now.

[A]

Right.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But. But understand your mom and your dad is. They're going to grieve this like a death.

[D]

Yes. For sure.

[B]

They're losing the life they had.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'd give them permission to be sad, and I'd give them all the grace in the world for the dumb things they're gonna say or the way they're trying to tell you that they love you and that, my God, they're gonna miss you and all the awkward ways they say it. That would be my recommendation. I wouldn't blow up your family over no.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

How somebody responds to their life changing.

[D]

Yes. I completely agree.

[B]

So let me ask. Why the move? Why 30 or however long many hours away?

[D]

So right now, the state that we live in just is expensive. And I am almost done with my bachelor's in teaching, and so is my husband. We're both going into secondary education and teachers here, compared to the price of living just do not make good money.

[B]

So what state are y' all moving to?

[D]

Illinois.

[B]

Dude.

[D]

Like, southern. Southern Illinois.

[B]

Oh, out in the cornfield. I was gonna say Illinois is pretty expensive, but, yeah, I don't. I don't know much about it, but all that to say is this. Y' all are. Y' all are going to start a new life, a new adventure. You're getting the covered wagon, and you're going across the states. You're going east instead of west, but y' all are like, y' all are making your move, which is awesome and noble and great. And in an overly simplified way, your mom is going to think they chose this dumb job over us.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And she.

[D]

That's kind of how she's been putting it.

[B]

She gets to do that?

[D]

Yes. Yeah, she does.

[B]

Yeah. And so I. As best you can. Unless she starts getting offensive and ugly, and that might ramp up a little bit. Right. People say tough stuff when they're grieving, but end every phone call with mama. I'm so. I love you so much. And I love to hear how much you're going to miss us, because I'm going to miss you, too.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I wish there was an easier way to take the hurt and the pain away. There's just not. I mean, you're just packing up and you're moving, so I wouldn't expect anything less than for new grandparents to be sad for parents that raise their daughter and. Well, to be sad and sad is right. And grieving is good. It's not fun. It's awful. But it's the right thing. And then we get to decide what are we going to do next. So thanks for the call, sister, and good, good luck on your new adventure with your husband. As y' all go be teachers in southern Illinois. We need more great teachers. So go all in and be the best secondary teachers y' all can be. And best of luck to that little, that little toddler growing up in those, in those corn fields. Be fun. We'll be right back. You know that I've been talking about poncho for years. If you've seen me on stages or around town anywhere, you've probably seen me wearing a poncho shirt. I love them. And here's what else I love. I'm seeing poncho shirts everywhere now on my friends, people in the audience of the events I do, people at my church, even co workers. Everybody's wearing poncho shirts or they're hitting me up for free poncho shirts. That's because they're the best men's performance shirts anywhere. And it's the last call for their winter flannels and corduroys. It's still cold, but poncho starts to run out of them this time of year. So listen, poncho denim has that soft, broken in feel. It's got a little stretch. It's like you've worn it a million times, but it still feels and looks amazing. And poncho flannels come in original or western styles, slim or regular fit. And they're guaranteed to be the softest shirts you own. And somehow they're soft, but they're also tough and comfortable. Head to poncho outdoors.com DeLoney and get 10 bucks off your first order when you sign up with your email. Again, that's poncho outdoors.com DeLoney for 10 bucks off. All right, Kelly, what happened? That was awesome.

[E]

All right. I'm actually going to read two because they're both very year end new year type things. And for those that are listening, I know this comes out in early February, but we are recording this on the 7th. So we're getting a lot of these holiday year end kind of emails. All right, so the first one is from Rebecca in Denver, Colorado and she writes, I listened to the AMA the Ask Me Anything on YouTube on Christmas Eve. As I was preparing to host my in laws on Christmas, John and Kelly answered a question about how to address missing family members at holidays, which I needed to hear. 2025 brought the deaths of three family members two friends and several deep schisms in the immediate family, which resulted in family members not being invited to the Christmas celebration. Each of these losses left a profound hurt. As the host, I was feeling super anxious about how to handle the situation. I'm so grateful for John and Kelly's advice to take a few minutes to address the loss and expect a mix of sadness and happiness when we see the metaphorical empty seats. I took a few minutes when we were all together to express my love for those who were there, acknowledge those who were missing due to passing and to life choices, and welcomed the mixed feelings that we would feel. We all exhaled together and Christmas was beautiful with no elephant in the room. Thank you.

[B]

Awesome. Hey, you know what? That is straight courage and bravery right there. That's hard to do.

[E]

Very hard. Especially when it's not just, I hate to say not just, but when it's not just deaths in the family, because those are so. Everyone feels the same way.

[B]

Yeah. But if a brother's using again or.

[E]

A cousin, those are really hard subjects to bro or. Because maybe not everybody in the room agrees that they shouldn't be here. I mean, you could be opening a can of worms. So that is very brave, man.

[B]

That's awesome. Awesome. All right, what's the next one?

[E]

All right, the next one.

[B]

Oh, you're smiling.

[E]

I just like this one.

[B]

Okay, good.

[E]

It starts with hi. January John.

[B]

Hello.

[E]

We haven't necessarily seen a lot of January John yet this year.

[B]

You don't understand what's going on in my. Inside of. Of my chest and inside of my home. He's changing.

[E]

I'm glad he's changing. We'll keep hoping that.

[B]

I will tell you, say this, and I'm gonna say it very carefully. I always experiment with new supplementation routines. I'm always. Whatever. I'm going to keep this as 30,000 foot as possible, but just imagine me this morning. I. I decided to triple my dose on a thing a couple of days ago, and it caught me off guard this morning during my breathing exercises. That's all I'm gonna say. And it was incredible. That's all I have to say.

[E]

You weren't doing the breathing exercises in the car?

[B]

Nope. I was at my house. All right. But I'll tell you, I had to say some things to my wife about what happened that I don't think I've ever had to say before. And it was extraordinary.

[E]

I think I want more details off the air, but I'm not really sure I do either.

[B]

So it's incredible.

[E]

I'M just gonna read the rest of this email.

[B]

Go for it. All right. January John is here and live and kicking, she says.

[E]

This is January page. Let you know how how helpful your advice was to me at the beginning of 2025. One year later, I've proven to myself that I can be consistent and keep promises to myself. Yes, I follow the plan with Train well. Shout out to shout out Train well dude, who I still use as well.

[B]

Train well my wife was using this morning when I left.

[E]

I used to train well rules. I love them. Shout out to my trader, my trainer, Kayleen, and set up biweekly accountability calls with a friend for other habits I'd been struggling with. 2025 became a year of learning how to be consistent in 2026. I'm using your same I am a person who framework to connect more intentionally with people. I've started picking up the phone to call instead of text, and I'm writing letters to people to let them know that they truly matter to me. Thank you to you and your team for all that they do. From January Page.

[B]

January page. Inspiration, dude. Inspiration. That's amazing. Everybody. I know this is coming out, what, early February? Start today. Start today. January 1st is a rather arbitrary day. Start today. Doing some of those things. And train well doesn't sponsor the show, but reach out to. They're awesome. Find a local trainer in your town. Find a gym, go to Walmart and get a couple of dumbbells. Get a couple of friends you can call, write letters, all those things. Amazing. And don't randomly triple the amount of certain supplements because it could end up in a disaster. Love y'. All. Bye.