My Wife Is Making It Really Hard to Divorce Her

Summary

The Dr. John DeLoney Show: Episode Summary Title: My Wife Is Making It Really Hard to Divorce Her
Release Date: June 11, 2025
Host: Dr. John DeLoney
Produced by: Ramsey Network

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Overview

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, host Dr. John DeLoney addresses a caller named Lance who is struggling to finalize his divorce under complex and distressing circumstances. The episode delves deep into the legal, emotional, and psychological challenges Lance faces, offering listeners profound insights into navigating troubled relationships and mental health obstacles.

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Caller Introduction: Lance's Predicament

Timestamp [00:05 - 06:12]

Lance initiates the conversation by expressing his desire to re-enter the dating scene and start a family after being separated since August 2022. However, he is hindered by the unresolved status of his divorce, which has been complicated by his wife's evasive actions.

• Lance: “I really want to get back into the dating world. I want to start a family. It's just been a really messy situation.”
  [00:05]

Legal and Emotional Hurdles

Timestamp [06:12 - 10:55]

Dr. DeLoney probes deeper into the reasons behind the strained relationship, uncovering that Lance's wife shot him during an altercation, leading to her imprisonment. This revelation adds layers of complexity to the divorce process, especially considering her non-citizen status and the potential legal ramifications.

• Dr. DeLoney: “She shot you? Yo, what's up? I'm John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show.”
  [00:22]

Lance reveals that his wife has changed her contact information and gone off the grid, making it arduous to serve her with divorce papers. He fears the financial burden of hiring a lawyer to locate her, estimating costs to be significantly higher than his initial research suggested.

• Lance: “She's not a US Citizen, and so it's just been a really messy situation.”
  [03:28]

Dr. DeLoney's Advisory

Timestamp [07:04 - 10:55]

Dr. DeLoney advises Lance to confront the reality of his situation rather than being bogged down by fears and uncertainties. He emphasizes the importance of finalizing the divorce legally to free Lance emotionally and mentally, despite the associated costs.

• Dr. DeLoney: “I have to throw a flag on this one. The most healing thing you could have done would be to end this divorce permanently.”
  [06:33]

He challenges Lance to weigh the potential consequences of delaying the divorce, such as his wife possibly discovering his new relationships and the ongoing legal entanglements. Dr. DeLoney underscores that carrying the burden of an unresolved marriage significantly hampers Lance’s ability to move forward.

• Dr. DeLoney: “What you want to risk her possibly getting deported, a woman who tried to kill you, or do you want to have a family of your own?”
  [09:09]

Conclusion and Takeaways

Timestamp [10:55 - End of Relevant Content]

Dr. DeLoney concludes by urging Lance to prioritize his peace of mind and future happiness over financial concerns. He reiterates the necessity of legal closure to prevent future complications and to allow Lance to pursue his personal goals without the shadow of an unresolved marriage.

• Dr. DeLoney: “I cannot in good conscience tell you… You don't feel it in your heart anymore, so you're actually kind of, like, spiritually divorced. You're all good.”
  [10:07]

He reinforces the importance of seeking professional legal assistance despite the costs, highlighting that the investment in legal fees is a step towards lasting emotional freedom.

• Dr. DeLoney: “Maybe I'm crazy. And if it's $10,000, you still need to pay that $10,000 to make this thing legal, like, ASAP.”
  [09:17]

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Key Insights and Advice

1. Legal Finalization is Crucial: Unresolved legal statuses in a marriage can lead to prolonged emotional distress and hinder personal growth. Finalizing a divorce legally is essential for both parties to move forward.

2. Confronting Reality Over Fear: Addressing the harsh truths of a relationship, no matter how painful, is necessary for healing and future happiness.

3. Financial Concerns vs. Emotional Well-being: While legal fees can be daunting, they are an investment in one's mental and emotional health, preventing future complications.

4. Seek Professional Help: Engaging with qualified professionals, whether legal or mental health experts, can provide the necessary support to navigate complex personal challenges.

5. Prioritize Personal Happiness: Ultimately, prioritizing one's own happiness and well-being is vital, even in the face of difficult decisions and substantial emotional baggage.

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Notable Quotes

• Lance: “She shot a gun at me.”
  [00:20]

• Dr. DeLoney: “The most healing thing you could have done would be to end this divorce permanently.”
  [06:33]

• Dr. DeLoney: “Do you want to risk her possibly getting deported, a woman who tried to kill you, or do you want to have a family of your own?”
  [09:09]

• Dr. DeLoney: “Maybe I'm crazy. And if it's $10,000, you still need to pay that $10,000 to make this thing legal, like, ASAP.”
  [09:17]

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Final Thoughts

This episode poignantly highlights the intricate balance between legal procedures and emotional healing in the context of a troubled marriage. Dr. DeLoney’s compassionate yet direct approach provides listeners with valuable perspectives on handling similar personal crises, emphasizing the paramount importance of legal closure and self-care.

Transcript

[Lance]

I really want to get back into the dating world. I want to start a family. It's just been a really messy situation.

[John DeLoney]

If you divorce her, is she gonna get deported?

[Lance]

I do not understand the legality of her situation.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so there may be a reason why she's trying so hard to hide from you. Why did she go to jail?

[Lance]

Cause she shot a gun at me.

[John DeLoney]

She shot you? Yo, what's up? Up? I'm John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad that you're hanging out with us today. Pulling up a seat at the restaurant grab, grabbing some chips, some queso, maybe some good salsa. And we're figuring out what's the next right move. Whether it's your. Your mental and emotional health, your relationships, some tough stuff you're going through, some hard choices you have to make. Schools, kids, work, whatever you got going on in your life. My promise is I'll sit with you. I might have a nacho or two myself, and we will figure out what's the next right move. All right, Lance in Detroit. What's up, brother Lance?

[Lance]

How's it going, sir?

[John DeLoney]

Doing all right, man. How about you?

[Lance]

I'm fantastic. Living my best life.

[John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Lance]

All right, so my question is, I have been separated since of August of 2022, and I really want to get back into the dating world. I want to start a family. I'm. I'm 26 years old. The only issue is I haven't been legalized divorce and I haven't started the process.

[John DeLoney]

Why?

[Lance]

My, My. My wife, she. She's. She's changed her phone number, her email. I don't know where she lives. We're in, like, we're eight hours apart in different states. So it's just been really complicated, and we have nothing to. We have nothing to fight over in court. And so it's like, for me, I'd rather just do the easy route and just get it done cheap instead of paying a lawyer to go out and find her.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, but that's like, I want. I want to drag it, and it's going to drop off a pot of gold at my house. It's not going to happen. So.

[Lance]

Yeah, I understand.

[John DeLoney]

Like, bro, you're a married man.

[Lance]

Yeah, legally, but not mentally.

[John DeLoney]

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter, homie. You're. You're a married man.

[Lance]

I mean, I understand. It's just. It's just very complicated.

[John DeLoney]

It's not. Call a lawyer. That's their job. They'll track her down. They'll Serve her papers, and it will be done. They can do a, like, it'll be. She can sign a piece of paper, it's done in 30 days, and you can move on with your life.

[Lance]

I mean, I just didn't want to spend thousands of dollars for a. A 600 divorce. That was a thing.

[John DeLoney]

So you've just had this thing hanging over your head for what, four years now?

[Lance]

Yes, that's just how I've been. How I've been moving.

[John DeLoney]

I've.

[Lance]

I've reached out multiple times, but it's always, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. And so I get left on a cliffhanger, and it's like we're talking about doing it, but she'll never move forward with doing it.

[John DeLoney]

Bro, why don't you get the paperwork and drive the eight hours to her house and have assign it?

[Lance]

Every time I do the paperwork, it, like, requires, like, the information, like her address, her phone number, her email, the things I can't find. I have to contact her through social media whenever I do.

[John DeLoney]

You're telling me you, A, don't have any mutual friends that would tell you where she lives, and B, you haven't hired a 300 private investigator to get that information to you in less than one hour?

[Lance]

She has. We. I've. I've, like, done every research possible to find her on the Internet, and I've come to know ability. She's like, very. She's like very off the grid at this point. She's not. She's not a US Citizen, and so it's just been a really messy situation.

[John DeLoney]

If she's married to you, she's a citizen. And she.

[Lance]

She's not a citizen. She's. I'm trying. She's. She's got a green card, but if you.

[John DeLoney]

If she, if you divorce her, is she going to get deported?

[Lance]

I do not understand the legality of her situation. If we got the. If we got divorced.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so there may be a reason why she's trying so hard to hide from you. She may understand her situation better than you do.

[Lance]

Yeah, I figured that was an option.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so what. What question do you have for me? I just launched in on you, dude. Sorry about that, man. What question do you have?

[Lance]

It's all good. This is. I really. Like I said, I really do want to date. I really do want to be.

[John DeLoney]

I don't think. I wouldn't want you dating my daughter as a married man with unsettled business. Here's why you're Gonna marry. Date my daughter. Y' all gonna get married, or you're gonna want to get married, or you're gonna try to have a kid, and she's gonna come out of the woodwork house because she's still your legal wife to your 401k because she's still legally your wife. This. You can't just go out and like Michael Scott and be like, I declare bankruptcy.

[Lance]

I understand. It's just. It's just like we. Everything else has been settled. We had a house together, and she's already signed over the house to me, the deed and everything. It's just after she got out of jail, she just changed everything. And by that time, I was already moved out of state.

[John DeLoney]

And she's still legally your wife. None of those things are negating the fact that she's still legally your wife. I don't know what you want me to tell you, brother. I can't imagine how $2,000 is not worth an infinite amount of peace.

[Lance]

I just don't imagine it being $2,000. I imagine it being over 10.

[John DeLoney]

Have you called an attorney?

[Lance]

No, I have not. I just.

[John DeLoney]

So you just made up the number.

[Lance]

In your head on this type of. No, I just researched this type of stuff on the Internet. Like, I googled. I spent a lot of time because, you know, it's very important to me.

[John DeLoney]

Why'd you go to jail?

[Lance]

Trying to get a divorce.

[John DeLoney]

Why'd she go to jail?

[Lance]

She. Because she shot a gun at me after an altercation.

[John DeLoney]

She shot you?

[Lance]

She. She. She.

[John DeLoney]

Bro. Lead with that next time, dude.

[Lance]

It's just like I said, it was very messy. And so for my sanity, I had to go heal because the situ. I don't wanna. I don't want to sound like a victim, but this is The. The incident traumatized me, especially at the moment, and so I was healing. And then by the time she got out of jail, she did her own thing, and so I gotta.

[John DeLoney]

I did. Bro, with all due respect and love. I gotta call. I gotta throw a flag on this one. Like, the most healing thing you could have done would be to end in this divorce permanently. Not go hide.

[Lance]

Okay? I. The reason why I didn't get divorced in the beginning, and it would have been the easiest time to get a divorce, was because I was protecting her in a way.

[John DeLoney]

I know. I get that. But don't say you had to, like, just go heal. That's not true.

[Lance]

We lived in. We. They wanted me to. They wanted me to. They subpoenaed me to testify against her in court?

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, because she tried to kill you.

[Lance]

But in the state we lived in, I didn't have to testify if we're still married. And that way she could get the charges dropped and then we could both move on with our lives.

[John DeLoney]

But did the charges get dropped?

[Lance]

Yeah, they did.

[John DeLoney]

Watch. How long did she. How much time did she serve? Just up until court date.

[Lance]

I would say, like, roughly six months on house arrest.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Lance]

I was, like, financially supporting her through the whole time. Like, for me, the whole thought was, you know, I had a financially supporter and all this, and I wasn't. Oh, you know, I was helping her not go to prison for the rest of her life. I really thought that once this was all going to be done, it would be a smooth process after. I understand this.

[John DeLoney]

Hold on.

[Lance]

Perfect world.

[John DeLoney]

How old are you, man?

[Lance]

I'm 26.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, you're just making up stuff in your head. Let me back it up. She was not going to go to jail for the rest of her life for shooting a gun at somebody, okay? She would have got three to seven, maybe. And because she's not a naturalized citizen, she may have got deported. That's fair. She wasn't doing hard times. She was doing house arrest. She went in jail. She was at home. You have no idea how much this divorce will cost because you've never called a lawyer, but you made up a number called $10,000. You're creating these stories in your head, and then you're reacting as though these stories are real. You don't even know. And that what I'm telling you is, I promise you this, dude. The weight that you feel from all of these stories that you're making up is burying you much more than the reality would. And what you have to ask yourself is, do you want to risk her possibly getting deported, a woman who tried to kill you, or do you want to have a family of your own? That's the question. She made a choice to try to kill you.

[Lance]

Yeah. I understand.

[John DeLoney]

And so I cannot in good conscience tell you. Yeah, bro, you're free. You're right. You're legally married. But go start a family. Go have a baby with somebody else. Go. Go move in with somebody else. Buy a new house, bro. That will come back and haunt you because she'll knock on your door and say, I'm your legal wife. I'm filing for divorce now because you've cheated on me. I want half. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Lance]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And you think a $2,000 attorney fee is going to be expensive? And again, I don't know the. I don't know the state you're in. I don't know where she lives. I don't know where you. Like, we've changed your location here. I don't know where you actually are. Right. Like, all I have to say is this. I cannot in good conscience say, bro, just. You're right. You don't feel it in your heart anymore, so you're actually kind of, like, spiritually divorced. You're all good. I can't tell you to do that, because that'd be madness. I can tell you to start getting facts in your life. Facts are your friends. What is the truth if you actually call three attorneys and they all tell you about $10,000? Yeah, dude, that sucks. And you still got to go do it. I don't think it's going to be that expensive, though, to be honest with you. I don't think it's going to be near that expensive. Maybe I'm a lunatic. I don't think it'll be near that expensive, especially with no assets to divide up. No, nobody's contesting this thing. They just got to go get a signature to her. Maybe. Maybe I'm crazy. And if it's $10,000, you still need to pay that $10,000 to make this thing legal, like, ASAP.

[Lance]

Yeah, that's true.

[John DeLoney]

I mean, I don't. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, you're in a mess, dude. You're in a mess, and I hate it for you. I don't want anyone getting shot by their wife, and I don't want anyone having to decide whether to press charges. I mean, all that's a mess. You're right. It's a mess. It's a mess. It's a mess. But that doesn't do away with reality. You are legally married to somebody, and so having a baby with somebody else, shacking up with somebody else, buying a house with somebody else is just a recipe for chaos and disaster down the road. It's the best I can tell you, my man. It's the best I can tell you. Coming up next, we talk to a woman who is struggling with low libido and a husband who doesn't seem to care. Let's talk about digital privacy and delete me. Does anyone else feel like our digital footprints are starting to feel more like digital trails leading bad guys right back to us? And now scammers are using phishing attacks. That's phishing with a ph, where they trick you into giving them something by pretending to know you. You might get an email, a text, or a phone call, and the person or AI bot on the other end sounds like someone who's trying to look out for you and take care of you, but instead they rip you off. With all this new technology, no one is really safe. So the question I have is, what are we supposed to do first? You can start by controlling what you can control. You can learn about how to be careful online and offline, and you can sign up for with Delete Me. I personally use and recommend Deleteme because they work in the background to reduce my online presence. This way I don't have to worry about creepy data brokers having my data, selling it, and sharing it. Delete Me has reviewed over tens of thousands of sites for me, and they've removed my data from hundreds of them, which has saved me countless hours and a ton of stress. Stop the phishing attacks, stop the harassment, and stop the other online threats before they even start and take control of your digital privacy. With Delete Me, go to join delete me.com DeLoney today for 20% off the annual plan, and that comes out to less than $9 a month. That's Join J O I njoin delete me.com DeLoney Hey, Summer's here, so let's talk about Helix. The sun's up earlier, the days are longer, and if you've got kids at home, your daily routine is now officially over a dumpster fire. And I don't know about you, but this time of year, my sleep schedule gets all whacked out. I want to stay outside longer. Me and my family are traveling. I want to keep fishing until the last possible second. And on and on and on. But no matter what season we're in, we all need good, deep, refreshing sleep. That's why I sleep on a Helix mattress. I've slept on all kinds of mattresses. Some that were too soft, some that felt like concrete, some that actually were concrete. But Helix is the best mattress I've ever slept on. I fall asleep faster, I sleep deeper, and I wake up without that groggy feeling. Here's the coolest part. Whether you sleep on your side, your back, your stomach, or if you run hot at night like I do, they've got a mattress that works just for you. The Helix Sleep quiz will match you with the perfect mattress for how you sleep. And it just takes like two minutes to do. Plus, right now, my audience gets 20% off site wide. Go to helix sleep.com deloney and get 20 off everything that's helix. H E L I X helixsleep.com Deloney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. Hey, listen, we get millions and millions and millions and millions of downloads of this show. Views on YouTube, on social media, on podcast platforms, on Spotify. And yet the number of people who hit the subscribe button is just a fraction of that. Please take a second. It allows this show to grow. It allows this show to get in the hands and into the ears of more people. And it just takes a quick second to leave a five star review or to hit the subscribe button or the download button. Thank you so, so much for doing that. It makes such a huge difference. Let's go out to San Antonio, Texas. I was just there last weekend and talked to Emily. What's up, Emily?

[Emily]

Hey, John.

[John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Emily]

Oh, nothing much. Just sitting in my car. I'm kind of nervous, but I'm very happy to be here.

[John DeLoney]

It's not weird at all if people walk by you and see you in your. In your. In your car, on your phone. It's all good.

[Emily]

Talking to a podcast.

[John DeLoney]

That's right. What's up?

[Emily]

Yeah. So first I just want to say that I love my husband and I don't want to diminish, like, any of the work that he's put in over the years because through communication, I've been, you know, we've been trying to get to a better place. And so I'm really, really happy with where we are.

[John DeLoney]

Hold on. We do me a huge favor, okay? You've been protecting him your whole marriage, so let's don't start this call with that same challenge, okay?

[Emily]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

You just, you just parachute in and pull up a seat at the bar and grab some chips and then just say, here's what I'm wrestling with.

[Emily]

Okay. So how can I stop resenting him for past behaviors so I can get my libido back?

[John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me more. So I.

[Emily]

We've been together for 10 years. We have a blended family, very busy, four kids together. And so we have two little ones. And so we're just constantly busy. My son, I kind of felt like he was a redheaded stepchild. He wasn't treated fairly or the same as his daughter, in my opinion, and he felt I was too soft on him. And so he was the latter. He was extremely rough on him. It really, really became like the middle of our arguments and everything like that. So about a year ago, I allowed my son to move with my father. He's only about five minutes Away, but it was just better on my son's mental health, and I wasn't really sure what to do because I have my other two little ones at home since then.

[John DeLoney]

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

What?

[Emily]

Yeah, it was hard.

[John DeLoney]

So you chose. You chose this new husband over your son?

[Emily]

Well, that's where I was struggling with back and forth, because there's no struggle here, I guess, ultimately, yes.

[John DeLoney]

Why?

[Emily]

I. I was really looking out for the two little ones. I wasn't sure what to do as far as. Do I. Do I leave with them, too?

[John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Emily]

He wasn't treating anybody else that way. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

I mean, you started this call telling me how wonderful he is and how much you love him, but you had to send away your son. Do what?

[Emily]

I mean, because things have changed, and they're. They're actually probably the best in our marriage.

[John DeLoney]

So is your son back with you?

[Emily]

Between him and my son. My son's 18 now.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Emily]

And he's actually doing really, really well. And so I look at this as. It actually ended up being really, really good for him and for everybody involved. And I just. I hate that it had to get to that point. And I wasn't really sure what else to do as far as my two little ones. He just. They just butted heads. It was two males in the house, and it just wasn't. No, it's good for either one of them.

[John DeLoney]

It's not just because there were two males in the house. It's because you had.

[Emily]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

I don't get into it, but what. What. So, yeah, until you address that elephant in the room, your body's always going to try to protect yourself from him or you want to have sex with him. He's not safe.

[Emily]

Yeah. Yeah. And I've told him this, too, that, you know, because what I was. What I've been going through recently is, like, I've been trying, like, to find what was, like, wrong with me, like, hormones. I got them checked. Like, I tried all these things, and I'm totally fine. So I told him. I said, it's. You know, I think I'm. I think I'm just resentful for you and how you. How you were in the past. And I'm trying to get how to figure out how to get over that.

[John DeLoney]

I don't. I don't think he's any safer. Okay, tell me how he is.

[Emily]

I have more of a voice now, I guess. And I've told him that, you know, some of the behaviors aren't acceptable, and so he's changed those. He's great with our little kids. He's very involved with the community in soccer and sports and his daughter and everybody. And so he's there, he's present, he's works hard and provides for us and he goes to all of our kids events and things like that. They love him. I mean, he's great.

[John DeLoney]

I know, but Emily, you just gave me a list of two things. Reasons other people like him and things he's doing for other people. How is he making you feel seen and loved and safe and playful and known?

[Emily]

Well, there are things that, that I do think that he doesn't like. Like he won't help around the house when it comes to, like, things I'm asking him to do.

[John DeLoney]

Like what?

[Emily]

But he will, he will. Like the dishes. Just do the dishes.

[John DeLoney]

So when you say, hey, we've got two little kids. I gotta go do bath time and bedtime when you grab the dishes, he goes, nah, I'm not doing that.

[Emily]

Sometimes he'll say that he's got things he's got to work on trying to build multiple businesses. And it's not really in the moment. I'm just doing things. It's more after the fact when we have a conversation and I'm like, can't you just, you know, pick up around the house a little bit more? Can you just help me with this? And he, I said, why don't you like the dishes? He's like, I just don't. I just don't like them. I don't either.

[John DeLoney]

You must not like sex either.

[Emily]

Yeah, I mean, I'm having a hard time with it because I am in a good place for the most part. And I want to, I just have zero desire. And I know that it's got to be because of all of these things. And I just, I don't know what to do or how I can help us each other and communicate to where we can figure this out.

[John DeLoney]

I mean, if I'm being fully straight up with you, I, I don't know. I would need to talk to him to get a fuller picture. But the, the, the, the story you're telling me is the perception of other people is very important to him.

[Emily]

That's fair.

[John DeLoney]

The, the reality and, or the fantasy about these multiple businesses he's going to try to put together and run is very important to him. His biological daughter is important to him, and that's it. You, on the other hand, should be grateful that you got such a good provider. There's some women stuff you need to do, and I just don't like to do that crap. I ain't doing that.

[Emily]

Yeah. So part of me struggles because I think about all the other things that he does do. You know, it's just these few things that, like, I'm tired. So I tell him, you know, if you do the dishes, and then I might not be. It might not be 9:30, 10 o' clock at night when you're ready to go, you know, but there are a lot of things. He works from home and he does a lot of things around. Like, we live on a farm and he works out in there and everything, too. So I don't want to be ungrateful for those things. So I'm not. I don't know how, like, what kind of balance of our household chores is appropriate.

[John DeLoney]

It's not about the chores. It's about you have a partner that just wakes up and does whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it, and you wake up and do what has to be done.

[Emily]

Yeah, I have a long commute to work and back.

[John DeLoney]

Why are you working if there's these multiple businesses that are going so well?

[Emily]

Well, I just started. We just, we're launching in, in the fall.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, so these aren't businesses that are making money?

[Emily]

Well, one of them is sort of. Not yet.

[John DeLoney]

Here's what I hear. You've got it really ingrained in your head that you want things to be different, but you don't really want them to be different.

[Emily]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Is that, is that fair? Here's the thing. You want to want to sleep with him. You want to want to think about sleeping with him. You do not want to take him on. You want a partner who actually walks around the house with eyes wide open and says, here's what we need in this house. You, you may have heard me talk about Emily Nosky's great work, about the ons and the offs. Here is the, like the, the, the, the. The brake pedals and the gas pedals, and instead of saying, like, what's wrong with me? Why won't my libido work? And by the way, you went to the doctor, which I applaud you. That's the place to start. And all your tests came back like, nope, you're ready, your body's working great. Then if your whole house is stop signs, because there's dirty diapers over here, there's laundry over here, there's clothes over here, there's dishes in the sink piled up, and you got a guy sitting at his computer, quote unquote, working on some businesses. They're going to start in the fall and you just got, you left a long commute. You just got home and you have another full time job at home. And he's like, I just don't do that crap. That's a house that is just full of stop signs.

[Emily]

Your body also has a full time job too. Do what those businesses are on. He also has a full time job too. So he has all those, you know, the business ventures. I mean, I'm, I'm on board with those. I understand that it takes sacrifice. But I get what you're saying with all their stop signs because everything he just said is completely fair.

[John DeLoney]

So here's what I'll tell you. Let's, let's, let's be not. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna honor him. That like I'm gonna trust you. He's been doing a lot of work. He's really working hard. Okay. Often when a guy feels like I don't know what I'm doing at my house, they just go to work because that's where they, it's the one place in their life where they feel successful. And so maybe he's trying and trying and trying because that's the only path he knows to self worth and value is I need to have a business making this much money or that could be the place where he hides. Only you know that and only he knows that. But there's a lot. You're making a lot of excuses for you and for him and for the house. I think the bigger question is you and him both getting on the same page because great. Go start 14 businesses. Who cares? It may just not be right now.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Or to put it in my house, language. My wife told me at the beginning of last year, the greatest way you can love me is do not write a book. This year. Done and hot off. Two number one bestsellers. I can promise you. The publishing division of where I work sat down and said, are you ready to go up, go again? And I said, Nope, I'm taking 18 months off because, yes, I want to write a book. Yes, it supports my family. Yes, it helps do all kind of things for us. And it takes away a lot. It wasn't the right season for it, but that's because we come back to the table and we come back to the table and say, what season are we in right now? What's best for both of us right now? How can I love you right now?

[Emily]

Yeah, I told him that too. That there's, you know, he's, he's just too Busy for, for us. And, you know, he's more passionate, in my opinion, about the community and these other kids in soccer and things like that, that, you know, he doesn't have enough time or when he gets home from practices and everything like that, it's already like bedtime.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, then other people in the community are getting first fruits.

[Emily]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if you've had that conversation, that's really tough to stomach because he looked at you and said both through his words and through his actions, you're seventh on my list, honey. And I hate that for you. I mean, golly, it breaks my heart for you. I don't know another path for you other than to have one final conversation where you say, this is what must be true. I need some yes or no answers for you. Are you willing to not do so much soccer so that you're home and present with me in the evening so you can help around this house? Yes or no. Are you willing to pause a couple of these businesses that are more long term, maybe get ready to start one of them in the fall? We're going to pause a couple of these other ones because we have two really young kids plus your daughter here. We just got a lot going on. Plus I have a long commute and a full time job. Are you willing to plug in here and I don't know how. You don't know how we're going to both figure it out together. Are you willing to do that, yes or no, and just go down the list of what you need and what you want. And I say one last conversation. You can decide this is just the life you have. This is the life you want to live. And you can want to, want to, have to, to, to be intimate with this dude. But, but you, you're not having the conversations and the direct, the direct impact and taking them on and him circling around and saying, you're right, man, forget all these businesses. I want you. I just don't know how to do that right. You can make peace with that life. If that's the life you want, I will high five you. But I don't want you to stop beating yourself up because it's not something else there. Just a tough, tough mess that I don't there. I feel like the, the reckoning conversation has already happened. You just haven't heard it yet. Or he seems like he's been really clear to you. Here's what's going to be true in my house. I'm doing all this other stuff, period, end of story. I know you want me to do this. I don't really like doing that. I know you want me to do xyz. I don't really like doing that. I know you want me to some help around the. I ain't doing that. So it sounds like y' all had those conversations, but at least for me, I'd want to make sure I had it super clear. Yes or no, are you in or are you out? And if you're out, then you have some choices to make. If you're in, y' all got some choices to make. And if he wants to call in, I'd love to talk to him. I'd love to talk to him. I've been a guy who's stuck not knowing what to do next. So I just work harder and I just have more schemes and dreams and let's crank this up. Let's try this out. And really, my wife was just saying, dude, will you help with the dishes and come sit on the couch with me, please? It's hard. It's hard. I got compassion for the dude.

[Ashley]

But.

[John DeLoney]

Y' all got some hard decisions to make. I'm really grateful for the call. Coming up next, talk to a woman who is struggling with not being able to have children due to her husband's disabilities. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. Therapy is not just for people dealing with major traumas. It can be for the big stuff. But therapy can also be a valuable tool for anyone looking to improve their mental and emotional well being. I've personally used therapy for working through major, major trauma, as well as helping me navigate daily relationship and personal challenges. If you're thinking about trying therapy, check out my friends at Better Help. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy, so it's affordable and convenient for your schedule. As the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise. They also have over 10 years of experience matching people with the right therapist just for them to get started. You just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time, easily and for no extra cost. Talk it out with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Memphis, Tennessee. Let's talk to Ashley. What's up, Ashley?

[Ashley]

Hello. How are you?

[John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. What's going on in Your world.

[Ashley]

I am kind of struggling, I guess, taking care of my disabled husband and kind of coping with the reality the older I get of possibly not having kids. So I don't know how to deal with that whatsoever.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, I don't. I don't have any magic on that one. This one's just really hard.

[Ashley]

Yeah, it's. It's tough.

[John DeLoney]

Real tough.

[Ashley]

I mean, a few. Few years ago, wanted to. Just to be brutally honest and transparent. I actually wanted to be a mom more than I wanted to be alive.

[John DeLoney]

Mm.

[Ashley]

I just. I don't know how to cope with that. I don't know how to kind of explain that to my husband either.

[John DeLoney]

Did you attempt to die by suicide?

[Ashley]

I've had thoughts, but that was probably, I don't know, a decade ago, so around the beginning of our marriage.

[John DeLoney]

How long have you been married?

[Ashley]

12 years.

[John DeLoney]

And what's the nature of his disability?

[Ashley]

He's currently. I mean, I help him bathe, obviously, do all the shopping, cooking, all that stuff. Thankfully, he has all of his limbs, but it's a lot more mental. He has two brain injuries. He did have to learn how to walk again. He has a lot of back issues, so just a lot of stuff that's really changed his personality. Just kind of how he is. Obviously, it's not his fault what he's been through, so that's why I have stayed. I love him more than anything, but again, it's that struggle of kind of coming to him and saying, hey, it's hard for me to take care of you, because I feel horrible saying that.

[John DeLoney]

Do you think he doesn't know?

[Ashley]

I think he knows. Talk about it.

[John DeLoney]

I just lost Joe. What'd you say?

[Ashley]

I think he knows. We just don't talk about it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I think we need to put that on the table. My oldest friend on planet Earth is a traumatic brain injury survivor from a real bad car wreck. Totally altered his life unimaginably. And he doesn't like me helping him go to the bathroom. He doesn't like me having to wipe him when I go hang out with him. He didn't like that. And we both know, you know what I mean. We make jokes about it and we laugh, but, yeah, putting that on the table, if he can hear it, if he. If. If his traumatic brain injury has changed him in ways that he couldn't comprehend, that maybe it wouldn't make sense to do that. I guess. I guess I want to give you permission for a couple of things. The first one is it's okay to be really Sad at the situation. And you're not selfish for not wanting your life to have turned out this way. You're not selfish for wanting kids. You're not selfish for being so sick and tired of not just being able to go to the grocery store. You're not selfish for wishing you could dance with your husband or have wild bananas, banana rama sex with your husband. You're. You're not selfish. Doesn't make you a bad person. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Has somebody told you that? Or is that just a story that's kind of looping on you?

[Ashley]

No, no one tells me that.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Ashley]

I feel selfish.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Ashley]

But I don't know. The older I get, it just. It just seems to be bigger than me, like something I can't fight.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Ashley]

And I'm sorry if I'm coming across like you can't understand them.

[John DeLoney]

Nope. Totally understand.

[Ashley]

So difficult.

[John DeLoney]

Totally understand. Totally understand. I don't. I don't understand it in the lived experience like you do, but, yes, there's. There's days you wake up and realize, oh, this is the rest of my freaking life. Fair.

[Ashley]

Very.

[John DeLoney]

Or, he's gonna hang on till I'm 53 years old, and then he's gonna pass away, and I'm gonna get to start over at 53. Right?

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And you had a picture of y' all two having kids and grandkids, and none of that's gonna happen, Right?

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Pretending that those aren't real thoughts and feelings and just trying to shove them down, it makes the whole thing feel unbearably heavy. You can't carry all that. It's okay to say it out loud. In fact, you have to say it out loud. You don't have to bury it with him, or you don't have to bury him with it, but, yeah, it's real. It is.

[Ashley]

That's what I was worried about, is having to kind of just carry it on my own because the accident happened when he was. We were both 19, so it was. We were eight months into our marriage, so it's been pretty much like this our entire marriage. And I regret none of it, but I just never anticipated fearing this much loss. And why do I feel it 12 years later? I don't. I don't understand. And I don't know how to tell him either that it hurts.

[John DeLoney]

Could he hear you?

[Ashley]

No.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, then let's let that fantasy go. That's part of a deeper dream that you could go back to the way y' all were when you were 18, when you were gross and holding hands. And talking about the future and staring off into space, and he was having wandering hands, and you were getting nerv. Like you want to go back to those moments. Those moments are gone.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And you're not a bad person for being so exhausted. You're not a bad person for waking up and being 32 or 33 years old and saying, I want children. Okay.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And I want you to take ownership of the fact that you've chosen to wake up every day and continue to be his wife. That is a. That is a level of character nobility that I think few people have.

[Ashley]

My mom tells me. I feel like she has to.

[John DeLoney]

So I don't have to tell you nothing. I. I'm just telling you.

[Ashley]

That's why it means so much to hear you say that, because I just kind of. It just rolled off my shoulder, and my mom says it.

[John DeLoney]

I know.

[Ashley]

If I just wanted to be a mom and that was it, I would just go and do that with somebody else.

[John DeLoney]

I know.

[Ashley]

But I want to give that to him.

[John DeLoney]

I know.

[Ashley]

It just sucks.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. When's the last time you said that out loud? This just sucks.

[Ashley]

It's been a long time.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Can I tell you that I think you're. You're not only an amazing wife, you're an unfathomably amazing wife. You know, loyalty and commitment and integrity in a way that most people just stitch it onto a pillow in a hobby lobby. The calls I take on this show about, well, she's gained 30 pounds and he's gained some weight, and she's got cellulite. And you're like, listen, I would take anything. Right? Yeah.

[Ashley]

I mean, I know. I know what it's on my end. I know what it's like to get that phone call because his accident. I'll try to state my question, but just very, very quickly. He was blown up by an IED in Afghanistan. And as I mentioned, we were 19. And I know what it was like to get that call. And thankfully, I just remember being so happy that he was alive, I didn't care what condition he was in. And I feel like 12 years later, I still live that way. And maybe that just. Maybe it doesn't mean I'm an amazing wife. Maybe it just simply means we're soulmates. I don't know. But the older I get, the more I just want to give him something to make him feel like his life meant something because he couldn't serve anymore. And we've been together since we were 13, and we've had, literally, kids, names, picked out since then. And that's all that we both ever wanted. And he's such a good man. I just. I struggle so bad just wanting to just be like everybody else and give that to him.

[John DeLoney]

You've given him everything, Ashley. You've given him your entire life. You've given him your entire life. And listen, I hear a little bit in your voice, and I can be wrong here. I hear a little bit in your voice that you feel so guilty wanting anything for yourself that you have to kind of bend it and shape it to make it in service to him for you to even state it out loud. You're allowed to scream to the heavens and say, I wanted three kids. Damn everyone. You're allowed to bam your f. Your fist on the table and scream and yell and say, why didn't I not get a full life with this guy? That doesn't make you a bad person. That makes you human. That makes you a wife that feels in, loves deeply.

[Ashley]

I think I get so lost in trying to handle everything because I know he needs me to do everything.

[John DeLoney]

And can I challenge you on that? He doesn't need you to do everything. He needs somebody to help with everything. And at some point, you're either going to collapse under the weight of all of this, or you're going to get some skilled nursing care. You're going to get some support and some help. You've done so much. And you can still go to Broadway plays in New York, and you can still take dancing lessons and go to yoga in the morning. And in fact, you've heard from his brothers who were overseas who came back. Now they have to live for two people, right? You've heard that over and over. Okay, you choosing to not get support and help and cashing in all of your laughter and joy on his behalf is not. That's not honoring you, doing the best you can to squeak out joy and laughter and fun and silliness in the little tiny pockets of space that you can squeeze out. Man.

[Ashley]

I just. I want him to be happy for once.

[John DeLoney]

I know.

[Ashley]

And I want to give him something.

[John DeLoney]

You've given him everything, Ashley. Ashley, you give him everything.

[Ashley]

Why don't I feel like it's about just me?

[John DeLoney]

Because it sounds like due to the nature of his injury, you want him to be something that he can't be. And often when we have that gap between what truly is real, what's reality, and what we want reality to be, it's. We haven't fully internalized that grief.

[Ashley]

You hit the nail on the Head.

[John DeLoney]

Most people don't know what it's like to be so optimistic for so long and then all of a sudden be hit with, oh, this is as good as it's going to get. Recovery wise for tbi. Most people have never had to deal with praying for their friend or their loved one to pass away finally and then having to deal with the guilt of that prayer. Please, God, just take him. Most people haven't had to wake up every day. You have people that show up and it's fun and it's laughter and look who's here and oh my gosh, and maybe even some silly back and forth. There's something else to do the bath again and then do the bath again and then change a diaper again and again and watch the boy you've loved since he was 13 turn into a man that's just a shell of himself. I mean, you are living the minute by minute lived experience. It's exhausting and it's traumatizing and yes, it's honorable. It's all those things all at the same time. But hear me say unequivocally, you, through your phone call, through your commitment to your husband, have given all of us, especially me, I'm number one in this line. You've given all of us a new picture of what fidelity and commitment and loyalty look like, what love looks like. Number two, I want you to figure out ways you can get some support and help, even if he fights you on it. Can he drive?

[Ashley]

Yeah, just for a little bit.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Does he hold a job?

[Ashley]

He only works a couple hours a day from home.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Because he can't work a full time job at another place, right?

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. There's some cognitive impairment, right?

[Ashley]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So if he gets mad at you, if a nurse comes for four hours, or if he gets mad at you because your mom comes for two hours a day, or his mom comes for two hours a day, or a neighbor comes for two hours a day. You know that's not really him talking, right?

[Ashley]

Yep.

[John DeLoney]

And the greatest gift you can give him is for you to be fully whole. And that's going to be tough to do amidst a life of sacrifice. You have. You have chosen to sacrifice your life for him. And with him, it's amazing commitment. That is a true. That is till death do us part, sickness and in health. But that doesn't mean you can't go to yoga class and go take a dance class and go see a movie and go to a Broadway play with some girlfriends. That doesn't mean you can't sit down and say, the weight of this is getting so much. I'm gonna. We're calling in some reinforcements and some help. Three days a week we're going to have somebody come take you to rehab. Or three days a week we're going to have somebody come sit and help with breakfast and with bathroom stuff. And I'm going to get out of the house.

[Ashley]

Oh, my God.

[John DeLoney]

I just lost you there.

[Ashley]

What you say, why do I feel guilty for wanting to do that?

[John DeLoney]

I don't know.

[Ashley]

That's why I don't do that.

[John DeLoney]

Okay? You've heard me say, choose guilt over resentment.

[Ashley]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, let's do that. Because he doesn't deserve your resentment. And if you wake up and you've had 20 years without laughter yet 20 years without going to a funny movie, if you had 20 years without going out with your girlfriends and just being silly, you're going to resent him. Let's don't get there, okay?

[Ashley]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Let's give him the gift of a wife who delights speck on in her eyes. And you're going to have to grieve the kids that y' all aren't going to have. That's for real. You're going to have to grieve the giant house in the lake house that y' all probably won't have. You'll have to grieve the fill in the blank that you won't have. And by doing that, you get to live in the space that you do have. If you're not talking to a counselor, I want you to make an appointment today, okay? And in fact, we're gonna hook you up with three months free from our friends at BetterHelp. I want you to be able to get in with somebody in the next 24, 48 hours. So hang on the line here. We'll get you hooked up. Okay? And I'm also going to send you my book, Building a Non Anxious Life. And I want you to read that cover to cover, and it's going to give you a roadmap for how do I live a life after owning reality? This is what is. How can I own a life where I make sure I've got friends, where I've got connection, where I've got places in little pockets, where I've got laughter, where I can take care of my physical health? I got to go to the gym, too, and I got to start reaching out and asking for help. And when I feel guilty, I'm going to feel that guilt and I'm going to go do the next right thing that I need to do. Been one of the honors of my week, one of my month to get to talk to you, Ashley. And you're a neighbor. If you ever want to come up here to Nashville. It's just a few hours away coming up to Nashville. And I'll have a cup of coffee with you out in the lobby. We can chitchat, but it's been an honor talking to you. You're one of the torch bearers. You're a standard bearer for what? Sickness, sin and health and till death do us part. And your husband gave everything for us overseas. Y' all are both amazing people. And that doesn't always mean everything is easy day in and day out. Sometimes that means it's really, really hard. It's been an honor talking to you. You call me anytime, Ashley. Coming up, I'm going to take your money and marriage question. This one is about how do you prioritize your marriage without feeling like you're ripping off your kids? We'll be right back. I love, love, love red light therapy. And that's why I'm excited to tell you about my friends at Bon Charge. Our lives are lived almost entirely inside, under the harrowing glow of fluorescent lights and in front of little screens and medium sized screens and big screens, then back to little screens. All this stuff affects our mood, our sleep, our anxiety, and the studies are showing it. And this is why I love Bon Charge. Bon Charge is a world leader in red light therapy and EMF blocking. I use their red light therapies every single day. Red light therapy can help boost your mood, reduce stress and help with sleep. I use my red light therapy panels, the infrared sauna blanket, the EMF mat, all of it. And listen up. If your skin looks tired, check out Bond Charge's red light mask for skin recovery, collagen production and improve blood flow. I got the mask and I'm starting to look beautiful. Just wear it 10 minutes a few times a week for fresher skin easily. No creams, no appointments, it's lightweight and it's Cordless. Go to boncharge.com DeLoney and use coupon code DeLoney to save 15% off your entire order. That's Bond B O N C H A R G E boncharge.com DeLoney and Use coupon code DeLoney to save 15%. All right, here's the money and marriage question left in the anonymous question box at our last money and marriage retreat. How do you make your spouse a priority without it appearing you're ignoring your children. I guess. First, I don't care how it appears. Here's what your kids need more than anything. They need to see two parents completely plugged into each other, completely on each other's side, completely on each other's team. And that becomes the foundation that kids anchor into. Kids don't need every interruption, every. Mom, I need a snack. Dad, can you help? Dad? Dad. Dad. Mom. Mama. That's. That's a second and third and fourth tier. They need a mom and a dad who are completely. They need parents. Then you have to be a mom and dad. They need parents plugged into each other, Period. Okay, here's what this looks like. In my house, when I walk in the door, most of the time, I walk past my kids. Hey, guys. Hey, guys. And I hug my wife. We have chit chat time. Still not super sure what that is, but we have chit chat time. Or I'd say grown up time. Y' all get out. Oh, come on, Daddy. Y' all get out. Grown up time. My son kind of. He just knows. He just been doing this his whole life. My daughter still tries to fight it. She'll come in after five minutes. Hey, grown ups are talking. Out, out, out, out. And that's a gift to them. What are we doing tonight? Your mom and I are going out on a date. And it's gonna be a hot one. Gross. Dad, stop. Don't care. It's gonna be amazing. And you two guys are gonna sit at home and eat macaroni and cheese, but we're gonna be out on a date spending money, looking googly eyed. Like, it's important for them to know those things. Hey, we're doing budget and we're doing calendar time. But Dad, I need help. Nope. Ah, walk away. We need 45 minutes. When the clock strikes X, Y or Z, come back. And here's the deal. If they see you having, like, if you like, we're. We're talking right now, but you're both sitting on your phone. They know if you both are doing like one of you is ignoring the other person, they know. Plug directly into your romantic partners and let your kids see that and experience that and then say, all right, we're done chitchatting. What can I do for you? What do you need that was so important? I just needed you to. You're fine. You're going to live. You're going to live. And sometimes you need to just put snacks out. Put fruit in a bowl or something and just say, there's fruit right there. If you're gonna. If you're dying of hunger, you can go eat that right there. Kelly, do you have anything to add?

[E]

No, I don't. I think it's just exactly what you said. I mean, that. I mean, I remember my parents being that way.

[John DeLoney]

Nope.

[E]

We're going out. You're not invited. And I do that. My daughter's always. Well, can I come? Nope. But I think that it's so anchoring to know that mom and dad are on the same page. There's a safety in that.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. I mean, it's just that. And I guess the thing that throws me in this question is without it appearing, you're ignoring your children. Appearing to who? Who cares? You're nine. I don't care how anything appears to you. Ex. Yeah, I just don't.

[E]

Now, there is a line, which we learned in our first call, where if there's issues in the marriage and you're sending your kids away at their expense.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, you're causing major long term challenges.

[E]

There's a difference between that and. We're talking right now. We're connecting. We're going on a date. There's a big difference.

[John DeLoney]

Or we're going to the bedroom, we're locking the door. Don't knock on this door. What's the matter with y' all? You don't want to know what's going on here. Trust me. Right. That's not, quote unquote, appearing like you're ignoring your kids. And by the way, I'll even go this far, ignoring your kids is okay.

[E]

Yeah, they'll. They're. They're fine.

[John DeLoney]

They're fine. Yeah, they need to be. Always ignoring your kids is horrific. It's neglect. But there is times when dad is working on a project at work. Go away. That's okay. It's okay. Yeah, they're gonna live. When you're with them, put your phones down. Be fully with them. Fully with them. When you're kicking a soccer ball, don't kick it with a phone in your hand. Go kick the soccer ball. When you're wrestling, don't be like, hold on, I gotta check my. Be fully with them. Prioritizing your spouse is not ignoring, it's honoring. Love you guys. Bye.