My Wife Is Overwhelmed and I Feel Useless

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show (Ramsey Network)

Episode Title: My Wife Is Overwhelmed and I Feel Useless
Date: October 17, 2025

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show is a deep dive into the real-life struggles of families dealing with stress, changing seasons of life, and emotional well-being. Dr. John takes calls from listeners seeking advice on topics like feeling useless while supporting an overwhelmed spouse, reentering life and relationships after long-term illness, and being less reactive as a parent. Dr. John uses a compassionate, frank, and practical tone, offering actionable solutions while validating each caller’s experience.

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Key Discussion Points

1. Feeling Useless When Your Spouse is Overwhelmed ([00:05]–[16:10])

Caller: Anthony (Austin, TX)

• Situation:
  Anthony is a working dad. His wife is a stay-at-home mom of two young girls (8 months and 4 years old), currently living with his parents to save money. Anthony wants to help his overwhelmed wife, but she often turns him away, making him feel useless.

• Anthony’s Background:

  • Raised by his mother; wife raised by her father, influencing their emotional responses.
  • Feels guilty for being “emotional” and often “shuts down” during conflict.
  • They are currently living with Anthony’s mother, increasing pressure on his wife to “perform” in front of in-laws.
  • His wife’s dream is to be a stay-at-home mom; she’s also trying to homeschool their 4-year-old.
  • Anthony had a heart transplant two years ago, adding further stress.

• Dr. John’s Advice:

  • Challenge your internal story:
    “Starting today, these stories that you’re telling yourself about feminine and masculine energies and all that nonsense is gone, okay? Because it’s clouding … It’s very normal. What you just explained to me is a thing I hear from fathers over and over and over again, regardless of who they were raised by.” – Dr. John Delony [06:23]
  • Address the real issue — lack of “home” and loneliness:
    • Wife is trying to build a home in someone else’s space (his mom’s house), which feels unsettled and increases performance anxiety.
    • “There’s just the geography. She’s literally living in somebody else’s home.”
    • “I can’t think of anything more exhausting than being a stay-at-home mom alone. Loneliness is the killer, right?” – Dr. John Delony [08:37]
  • Practical Steps:
    • Take time away together (without kids) to “exhale” and reset your family’s vision.
    • Discuss (not in the heat of the moment) what you want your life and marriage to look and feel like.
    • Prioritize moving into your own place as soon as possible, even if it means making financial sacrifices.
    • Create regular escapes for your wife (e.g., babysitters, mother’s day out) so she can build adult friendships and decompress.
    • When coming home, don’t force help—sometimes, just taking the kids out or handling chores without being asked is the most helpful.
    • Lean into the discomfort of feeling “useless” by finding small, concrete ways to contribute (e.g., taking trash out, cleaning).
    • Plan for the long-term (5 years out): Discuss ideal scenarios together (e.g., homeschooling, financial goals, owning a home).
  • On expectations:
    “Ask, ‘How can I love you this week?’” – Dr. John Delony [12:50] “If you bust in the door after you’ve been at work all day … sometimes it’s easier for her just to do it than to stop and teach you and feel like she has a third kid.” – Dr. John Delony [11:55]
  • Endorsement:
    Dr. John sends Anthony a copy of his book, Building a Non-Anxious Life, to help frame these critical conversations.

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2. Reconnecting with Life After Long-Term Illness ([17:15]–[36:00])

Callers: Sally & Ted (Tampa, FL)

• Situation:
  Sally and Ted have spent three years isolated due to Sally’s severe case of long Covid. Sally is now 90% recovered and wants to consider reconnecting with the world, but Ted is anxious about relapse and risk.

• Sally’s Perspective:

  • Happy in their “cocoon” but worries it may be unhealthy long-term.
  • Feels guilty that Ted has lost years of social connection because of her illness.

• Ted’s Perspective:

  • Content with their life together but fear of Sally relapsing is holding him back from re-engaging in normal life.

• Dr. John’s Advice:

  • Acknowledge Individual Grief:
    “David Kessler says, grief is like a fingerprint. Everybody does it differently…In a couple, it can be frustrating, because one person's resolution to grief is to get back out there, and the other person's like, how are you crazy?” – Dr. John Delony [25:00]
  • Permission and Honesty:
    Both need permission to candidly state what they want, even if it’s different:
    “The best way we can love each other is to be completely honest.” – Dr. John Delony [26:44]
    • Sally: Express the desire to explore and experience life again.
    • Ted: Be honest about anxiety and focus on feeling safe.
  • Practical Re-engagement:
    • Start small: Practice going out to the store or seeing a friend, even if it’s anxiety-provoking.
    • Accept that fear and risk are a part of reentry.
    • Honor your doctor’s advice on what’s medically safe.
    • Avoid social media and “doomscrolling” on health risks.
    • Regularly check in and renegotiate boundaries—plan in 90-day increments.
    • If either struggles with anxiety, seek short-term professional help.
  • Memorable Moment:
    • Sally worries she's taken three years from Ted; Ted responds:
      “I feel like I would go through anything for her.” – Ted [32:51]
    • Dr. John: “This is the definition of a ride or die. It's awesome. I love hearing it.” [33:01]
    • Dr. John reframes: Maybe Ted found a purpose in caretaking and Sally learned a new way of connecting. On the other side of trauma: “Y’all get to build it and have it look like however you want it to look.”
    • On guilt: “Sally, maybe for the last three years, you gave Ted a purpose he didn't even know he was capable of fulfilling. What a blessing. What a gift.” [33:13]

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3. How to Be a Less Reactive Parent ([37:35]–[51:40])

Caller: Marie (Phoenix, AZ)

• Situation:
  Marie and her husband (Gen Xers, parents of four boys, two biological and two adopted) have done extensive therapy, but find themselves increasingly reactive as their boys become teenagers. After her 15-year-old son said “F you” to her, Marie is seeking advice on how not to fall back into patterns of guilt, shame, or overreaction learned from their own upbringings.

• Caller’s Background:

  • Both parents come from backgrounds of strict, punitive, or emotionally unavailable parenting.
  • They’ve worked hard to heal and use strategies like the Gottman Method to strengthen their marriage and parent differently.
  • The challenge of parenting teenagers is pushing their limits more than the early years (“honestly, the first 10 years... was easier than these teenage years”).

• Dr. John’s Advice:

  • Acknowledge Your Growth:
    “For the first time in your whole freaking life, I want you to pat yourself on the back and say, I have done a whole bunch of work and I’m grinding it out. And I am proud of myself. Say those words. I am proud of myself.” – Dr. John Delony [47:02]
  • Respond with Boundaries, Not Reactivity:
    • Don’t assign shame/guilt or try to control your child's emotional state.
    • Be firm and clear about family boundaries and consequences.
    • Let your 15-year-old experience real-life consequences for real-life choices instead of being vague or trying to justify your value set.
    • On consequences: “You chose to say F you to my wife, to your mother. And so by extension, you chose to have absolutely no video games for the next few months. Is a weird choice, but that’s a choice you made.” [47:18]
    • Maintain a compassionate, connected posture during repair moments. Physically affirm love and security (“put both hands on his face and say, ‘I love you.’”) [49:00]
  • Tactical Parental Scripts:
    • “Dinner is on the table. If you choose not to eat, cool. You’re choosing hunger. You’re choosing to have less performance on the field. Great. You’re 15. You can live with that chosen experience. … You chose to drop the motherload of F bombs in here. There’s a chosen consequence.” [51:16]
  • Reassurance:
    “That doesn’t make you a bad mom. And one blow up from a 15. … The fact that you didn’t get go nuclear says you got an A.” [50:57]

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4. Quick Listener Mail: Is It Okay to Tuck in Older Kids? ([51:40]–end)

Email from Laura, Armonk, NY

• Question:
  Laura seeks validation for tucking in her 10- and 7-year-old sons and spending time talking at bedtime. Her husband questions if this is age-appropriate.

• Dr. John’s Response:

  • Affirmation:
    “No, no, no, no. … There’s not an age appropriateness to checking in. … As long as your kids will have you to tuck them in and say goodnight and I love you, let that be.”
  • Kelly (Producer’s) Perspective:
    “My son is 19, and I’ll still go up there and tell him good night. … It’s magic time. Take that as long as those teenagers will give that to you.”

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• "[The story about masculine/feminine energy] ends today because it's prohibiting you from being the person that you want to be inside your own house... It's very normal." – Dr. John Delony [06:23]
• “I can’t think of anything more exhausting than being a stay at home mom alone. Loneliness is the killer, right?” – Dr. John Delony [08:37]
• “Ask, ‘How can I love you this week?’” – Dr. John Delony [12:50]
• “We live in a little weird snapshot in history. We can just push a button, and food shows up at our house... Why would we leave this? I get that too.” – Dr. John Delony [24:05]
• “David Kessler says, grief is like a fingerprint. Everybody does it differently." – Dr. John Delony [25:00]
• "I want you both to have the courage to say ... Ted, I want you to give her permission to say that and have it not be a personal attack ... and Sally, I want you to be able to hear Ted say, I nearly lost you ..." – Dr. John Delony [28:10]
• “This is the definition of a ride or die. It's awesome. I love hearing it.” – Dr. John Delony [33:01]
• “For the first time in your whole freaking life, I want you to pat yourself on the back and say, I have done a whole bunch of work and I'm grinding it out. And I am proud of myself.” – Dr. John Delony [47:02]
• “No man says those words to my wife, period. Ever. Especially not in her house. Apologize to your mom.” – Dr. John Delony, role-playing as father [47:18]
• “A 15-year-old can anchor into firm boundaries... That doesn't make you a bad parent. That makes you, as Dr. Becky says, the most sturdy parent possible.” – Dr. John Delony [51:27]
• “Tucking your kids in… It’s a great way to get a download. … If you need your kids to be stable for you to be okay, then that's not healthy … but tucking your kids in is not a childy whatever. It’s awesome.” – Dr. John Delony [52:00]

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[Topical Timeline]

| Time | Segment | |----------|-----------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:05 | Anthony introduces stay-at-home-mom stress situation | | 02:20 | Dr. John reframes helping at home; asks about unspoken needs | | 03:32 | Anthony on emotional roles/challenges in the marriage | | 06:22 | Dr. John: Rejecting "masculine/feminine" energy storytelling | | 08:37 | Dr. John: “Loneliness is the killer” for SAHM | | 11:05 | Dr. John: “Control-alt-delete” — setting up a new marriage/home | | 13:00 | Discussing practical family plans and expectations | | 17:15 | Sally & Ted: Coping after long Covid and social isolation | | 22:09 | Dr. John: Analyzing individual/couple grief and anxiety | | 26:44 | Permission to be honest and set individual/couple wants | | 30:13 | Dr. John: Value of community and lived experience | | 32:41 | Ted: "I would go through anything for her." | | 33:01 | Dr. John: Celebrating loyalty and acceptance in marriage | | 37:35 | Marie asks: How to be less reactive as a parent | | 39:04 | Parenting background, family therapy, and generational patterns | | 42:57 | Dr. John reverse engineers explosive teen interactions | | 47:02 | Dr. John: "I am proud of myself" – celebrating parental growth | | 47:18 | Boundaries and firm consequences in discipline | | 50:57 | “The fact that you didn’t go nuclear says you got an A.” | | 51:40 | Listener mail: Bedtime age appropriateness discussion | | 52:00 | Dr. John & Kelly: “Tuck your kids in as long as they’ll allow” |

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Tone & Style

• Supportive, direct, and validating
• Always focuses both on practical next steps and emotional insight
• Encourages curiosity, honest self-inquiry, and courageous vulnerability
• Uses humor and real talk (e.g., jokes about Gen X, weed, and Biggie/Tupac)

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Summary

This episode powerfully explores the emotional undercurrents of family and relational stress, advocating for courageous honesty, clear boundaries, and practical resets in any life stage. Dr. John Delony compassionate directness and practical frameworks help listeners shift from self-blame and anxiety into proactive, connected living.

This summary provides the essential guidance and emotional highlights, making the insights accessible—even for those who didn’t listen.

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Transcript

[Anthony]

My wife is a stay at home mom. When I get home, I try to help my wife out as much as I can. But sometimes when I do try to help out, she turns me down and just pushes me away from trying to help her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I guess my first question whenever I talk to guys who want to help at home is does anybody want and or need your help? What's going on? What's going on? Good people, this is John, Dr. John DeLoney Show. Taking your calls on everything going on in your life. Your relationships, your kids, your marriages, your mental and emotional health. If you want to be on this show, go to john deloney.com ask and fill out the form. I'd love to have you on. Let's go out to Austin, Texas to the 512 and talk to Anthony. What's up Anthony?

[Anthony]

Hey, how's it going? Dr. John Good brother.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up man?

[Anthony]

Well, just real quick, I've got a question for you. My wife is a stay at home mom of two little girls. We've got one that's four and one that's eight months old and I am working. So when I get home right now I'm driving an hour away to work. So then when I get home, you know, I know that she's overwhelmed with an eight month old who's teething and a four year old, you know, just being a four year old, she's excited, she's happy, she's great. But you know, she can be overwhelming sometimes. And just when I get home, I try to help my wife out as much as I can because I know that, you know, her being a stay at home mom is a very important and important job. And I know it's probably more work than a lot of us do in our lives than we all would like to admit. And so I try to help out as much as I can, but sometimes when I do try to help out, she just turns me down or like shuts me down and just kind of pushes me away from me trying to help her. So my question is in what ways can I try to help her?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a great question, man. And kudos to you for being a dad who wants to be plugged in. That's awesome. And a husband who wants to be plugged in. I guess my first question whenever I talk to guys who want to help at home is does anybody want and or need your help? Or for most men, help is the only way we've ever been socialized to have permission to be in relationship with somebody, meaning our just being is never enough. The thought of coming in and just holding one of the kids or wrestling with the four year old or just sitting with wife and chip chatting while she goes on doing whatever she was already doing, we're not allowed to do that. We have to be doing a thing so that we have some sort of utility so that we have any value or permission to be in any room whatsoever. So my question to you is, are you feeling a sense of purposelessness or like they don't even need me around here? Or do you, Are you watching your wife crumble around you and she feels guilty and doesn't want to ask you for support? Or maybe a combination of all that.

[Anthony]

I think it's a little bit of a combination of all of that plus a little bit of background. I was raised by my mother and she was raised by her father.

[Ted]

So.

[Anthony]

When it comes to like our mentality, I've. I say unfortunately, but I've got a very feminine mentality, I guess you can say. And then she's got a very masculine mentality because of just by who we were raised by.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me what that means in real life.

[Anthony]

So let's say like emotionally, if we're in an argument or I'm the one who shuts down and I'm the one who takes everything to heart rather than, you know, like sounds wrong but, you know, like, like a girl would, like a woman would, where they would take things to heart more than, you know, trying to logically do things. And I can say I am a very logical person as it is, but I still have kind of a very, I guess I want to say feminine mentality. But when I do try to come in and help and she turns me down, I get really butthurt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Anthony]

And I know that we've had conversations before where she's just like, it really makes me upset when I do, when, you know, you asked me to for. She says when I ask her that I want to help her and I shut her down and I'm just standing there kind of staring at her and she's just all like. It really makes me upset when you just stand there and stare at me. And I'm just like, I just, I just want to help, but I don't know what to help with, how I can help in a, in a helpful way, I guess you can say. Yeah, because I want to take things off her plate. I will because I know at home. And then also another factor on top of it, we aren't living in our own place right now. We're living with my mom.

[Ted]

We.

[Anthony]

And we. I graduated school in May, so we moved in with my mom because we were. While I was looking for a job and there was a possibility that we were going to be moving from Austin to like Dallas or Houston or somewhere. So we're like, well, let's get out of our apartment. Let's go live with my mom for a little while and see where it takes us. And then we will move out of there to wherever we move. And in sense of doing that. My wife also has a sense of. What's the word? Pressure to be a certain kind of mom or a certain kind of wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Anthony]

Because she's around my mom and stepdad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. Yes. Okay, so here's a couple of important things. Number one, starting, effective immediately, starting today, these stories that you're telling yourself about feminine and masculine energies and all that, that nonsense is gone, okay? Because it's clouding. Listen, dude, like men feel things and women feel things and some men shut down and some women go out swinging. That's not a definition of masculine or feminine energy. Okay? So that's just a story that you've told yourself. That story ends today because it's, it's prohibiting you from being the person that you want to be inside your own house because you're couching it in as if something is wrong with you or it's some kind of not normal thing. It's very normal. Okay. What you just explained to me is a thing I hear from fathers over and over and over and over again, regardless of who they were raised by. Okay. The second thing is you've identified a key issue, which is your wife is trying to create a home in a home that is not her home. Right? And so that usually stems from a. There's just the, the geography. Right. She's literally living in somebody else's home. But my guess is y' all haven't cleared the deck. And I say this all the time, that y' all are in a perfect season right now to le. Leave the, the. The. The four year old. Leave the eight month old for half of a morning and y' all go somewhere and exhale and remember that you like each other and then say out loud, we have a brand new marriage, we have a new kid. I've graduated. I want us to get out of my mom's house. You want us to get out of our mom's house. We get to create a brand new marriage starting right now. What do we want this thing to look like? And more importantly, what do we want it to feel like, what does peace look like for us? And I can't think of anything more exhausting than being a stay at home mom alone. Loneliness is the killer, right?

[Sally]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you're lonely and you're performing. Dude, forget it, man. That's, that's when you're trying to sing and dance and, and in front of a stage like for your, her mother in law and some father in law. Right? I mean it's just so much, so much. And so backing all the way out and saying, okay, what kind of world do we want to co create? And there's a math problem to this. How quickly can we get into an apartment? How quickly can we get into our own place? Are you stable in your new job? This is going to be where we are. And I just moved a family member into Austin. It's expensive, but there's some cool places and prices are falling quickly in Austin too, by the way. Like is there a place where we can start settling up and begin to create the home that we want to create? And by the way, what are two or three mornings a week you can get away and we're going to put some money on the table. So we have a babysitter or we've got a mother's day out. We've got something so that you can get some adult grown up women friends. Because this is a very lonely endeavor. You get what I'm saying? Yeah, it's. You could try to solve this piece by piece by piece and you're going to, y' all are going to end up just burning each other at both ends versus clearing the deck and saying, dude, we made it, we have, I graduated, we sucked it up and we lived with my mom to save some cash. You're an amazing mom. I'm doing the best I can as a dad. Let's control, alt, delete. Where do we want our lives to go from here forward. And you'll have this conversation again when first kid goes to school. And you'll have this conversation when second kid goes to school.

[Anthony]

Well, that's, that's another thing. That's on top of that she, we're wanting to homeschool. So on top of being a stay at home mom and everything else, she's also trying to. Our four year olds starting preschool this year. So she's also trying to homeschool on top of that. So I know she's got a lot on her plate and she's such an amazing woman, an amazing mom that for her to even want to do this And I know I've been asked, you know, does she want to be a stay at home mom? Yes, this has been her dream. She's been telling me about this since high school. We were high school sweethearts, so she's been telling me this since high school, that she's wanted to be a mom and this is what she wants to do. So I wanted to give her that by me going to work and her getting to stay home. And I know on top of everything else, I had a heart transplant two years ago, so I know things have been even harder.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, so, so there's a lot there. And getting away from the kids for half of a morning or for a whole day would be even better.

[Ted]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because you literally have a, hey, I'm still alive. We made it. And often couples will find themselves still in fight or flight for something that happened two, three years ago. The NICU stay, the sudden mom got cancer. The husband needs a new heart, for God's sakes, right? And we can really, really want things, but we don't always get them right this second. Meaning, hey, it's going to take us two years to get where we can fully start the homeschool and have our own place and be totally ready to go. So what if we've started right now planning kids going to go to preschool, kids going to go to kindergarten, at a public school, at a local little Christian school, whatever you want to do. And then starting in first grade, we're going to have saved up enough margin, we're going to have our own place. You're going to have been able to exhale. You're not going to have an eight month old that is just a bundle of nerves that just wants to eat and scream and poop and sleep on repeat, right? I'm going to be settled in my job. We're going to be in a different universe then instead of we have to do it all right this second. And I want to stay at home, but so I have to do this stuff. I got a new heart, but you get what I'm saying. It just becomes the expectations of each other starts to pile up and I don't want to change the story. I've been saying this since I was in high school, but I don't even know if I want to do this anymore. But I have to do it. And let's clear the deck, hold each other's hands across the table and say, dude, I'm so glad I married you, still like you. Let's build a new marriage starting today. What does that look like, who do we want to be? And I like couples to look five years out. I know that's ridiculous because who knows what the world's gonna look like in five years? But I like couples to say, okay, in a perfect world, what would that look like? I'm homeschooling this amazing, beautiful fourth grader. And we also have a first grader now that I'm homeschooling and you're making this much money and we've saved up enough money to buy a down payment, all right? I mean, to buy a house, how much would we have had to save over that time? That means we have to drive this stupid Corolla for five more years, right? All those things just get put on the table and there's some grief, there's some happiness, there's some sadness, there's some. All of that together. And then asking that question, not in the moment. When you bust in the door after you've been at work all day and your wife's covered in vomit, holding a kid with a dirty diaper, and you have a four year old just going, ah. And a mother in law with her arms crossed and a podcast on how to homeschool in your. In your wife's ears. And you're like, how can I help? What can I do, man? Sometimes it's easier for you just to not be there. So she can just. It's easier for her just to do it than to stop and teach you and feel like she has a third kid. If y' all get away once a week, even for an hour, say, how can I love you this week? She can say, okay, I could really use help here and here. But when you wash the bottles, you always do it like this. I need it. I need it like I want it like this. Cool. Got it. You busting in the house and saying, all right, give me a job. It's just like you become a third kid. So when you bust in the house, the greatest thing is to grab that four year old and you'll head out to the park for 45 minutes and just let me exhale, right? But getting out of the heat of the moment and then you, my brother, work on your triggered responses. I just want to pull away. I just want to stand there and look at her and feel hurt. We're not going to do that anymore. That's how we handle problems. When we were a kid, that kept us safe as a kid. We're not doing that anymore. When we feel like we want to pull away, that's where we're going to lean in, we're going to go find a thing to help with. Maybe that's just taking the trash out. Maybe that's just getting a Clorox wipe and cleaning up the nursery, taking all the dirty diapers out and taking them out to the trash, like, whatever that is. But I'm gonna have a checklist of things I'm just gonna run through. And that way my wife doesn't feel like she has a third kid getting home from work every day. But all that can be talked about at a table where you're holding hands and saying, dude, it's so good to see you. I got a new heart, we have new kids, we got a brand new marriage, and I want to build it with you. Are you in also? And man, what an amazing conversation that can be. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a Non Anxious Life. I want y' all to use that as a roadmap for this conversation. I have a feeling that that particular book and that particular roadmap is going to be a blessing for you and your family. When we come back, a couple wants to reconnect with the world after being out sick for a long, long time. This month, Hallow, the number one prayer app in the world, is offering two powerful prayer challenges. Starting October 13th. Jonathan Rumi, who plays Jesus in the Chosen, is walking us through the story of all stories. This isn't just a bunch of disconnected Bible verses. It's the whole arc of scripture told like one big story. It's about real people who laugh, cry, mess up, and keep going, just like we're all trying to do. And then on October 20th, Hallow is also bringing back Jim Caviezel from the Passion of the Christ for a brand new journey through one of C.S. lewis's most famous works, the Screwtape Letters. It's an honest look at how lives can end up spinning out of control through a thousand tiny distractions. It's eye openening and it's so good. This October. Join us on Hallow for the story of all stories with Jonathan Roomie starting October 13th, and the Screwtape Letters with Jim Caviezel starting October 20th. Right now, when you go to hallow.com deloney you'll get three months for free. That's hallow.com deloney for three months for free. All right, we have a couple on the line from Tampa, Florida. Let's go to Sally first. What's up, Sally?

[Sally]

Hi, Dr. John. Thank you for taking our Call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you got it. All right, I'm going to bring on Ted. What's up, Ted?

[Ted]

Hey, good morning.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good morning, guys. All right, so, Sally, I brought you on first, so you go first. What's going on?

[Sally]

So, yeah, like you mentioned, we just don't know how what our next step should be after being sick for a long time. So just a recap. My husband and I, we have spent the last three years almost entirely inside together. We both work from home, we get our grocery and essentials delivered, and all of our social interactions have been virtual. So back in 2022, I had Covid, and then it developed into long Covid, which has left me with a lot of severe symptoms for a long time. So right Now I'm about 90% recovered. So during this period, a lot of our friends and family members, they have drifted away. And then we have turned this into our new normal, and we learn, we find ways to be content with it. We pretty much just, you know, enjoy each other company and just be a peaceful life as much as we can with what we get. But now, since my health is better, I've just started wondering if what our next step should be maybe toward reconnecting with the outside world. But I guess the challenge is, you know, one thing is my husband, he's kind of anxious with us going out again, just fearing that, you know, I might relapse. And then we had to go through all this pain all over again. So I totally understand his fear. You know, we went through a lot together. So personally, like, you know, we don't mind continuing this life. Like I mentioned, we have found a way to, you know, be content with it. But I'm not sure if it's the, you know, healthy, quote unquote way to do it long term. So that's why we're reaching out and see if we're missing anything and if we should go back out and how should we navigate it in a way that is healthy for both of us?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Amazing question, Sally. Thank you for intent to. Thank you for reaching out. I'm glad you're still. I'm glad you're still with us, Sally.

[Sally]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Glad you're still here. Ted. Ted, you heard her question. What would you add to that?

[Ted]

Yeah, so I think when she says, you know, I think especially for me, I'm very content with what we have. You know, she went through all this hardship, and quite honestly, it was just. It was devastating. I don't know how many people are really familiar with the effects of long Covid, but it Was. I mean, it was so difficult to go through, to watch her struggle with this and, you know, I mean, just trouble breathing, trouble sleeping, hard to think. And she was just so depressed, and, you know, she's normally such a positive person. And seeing her go through all that, it was just very difficult for me to really find that motivation to get through it. And so, you know, I was trying to be strong for her, but it's like, it was difficult for me as well. I just hated watching her go through that, know, when there was just really nothing I could do. And now, you know, she's kind of coming around and. And it feels normal again, Feels like who she was before she got infected. And so, you know, for me, I'm kind of. We're kind of just back to that now, you know, and things have settled down. But it's. I don't know, it definitely makes me anxious knowing that we could be stepping back into this and knowing we could be going through this again. So I think that's it for me is I just. I'm happy. You know, we're comfortable. We love our life. We. We spend every day together. We spend all day together. And I. I am perfectly content with that. So kind of going back out there, you know, there are sacrifices involved that we. We made, staying in and staying healthy, giving her that opportunity to get back to health. But I still am kind of just focused on the. More focused on the. The risks, I guess, of going back out and kind of living that. That normal life that we used to have again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So, man, kudos to both of you. Kudos to both of you. And kudos to you for doing what you had to do to survive. Kudos for you, Ted, taking care of your wife. And Ted, kudos to you. Because most men wouldn't have the courage to say, hey, it was hard on me too. And kudos to you, Sally, for not saying, well, no, it was me. Both of y' all went through a hard thing together. And I always want to look at. I always want to start when somebody tells me about the re entry. Right? Or this thing after a traumatic experience. Ted, you almost lost your wife. And that sense of powerlessness, Sally, like, I can't even breathe. I can't get up. And Ted, like, I feel so powerless watching the woman I love and pledged my life to can't get out of bed, can't breathe. We have bills coming in, like, all of that. I always want to start from a place of. Is anxiety. Right. And I would tell you your bodies wouldn't be working well if your alarms weren't going off at the thought of going back out. Right. And, Sally, I think you asked it best. And, Sally, tell me if I'm. If I'm a little bit out of line here. I'm hearing you actually do want to get out and experience the world, and you're a little bit apprehensive to say it out loud because you know how anxious that makes Ted.

[Sally]

I mean, that's fair. I mean, I feel like maybe that's part of me. Like he mentioned, you know, I'm not only a positive person, but, like, you know, if God has brought us through so much, I felt like we were in rock bottoms. I was like, it can only go up, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Right.

[Marie]

I don't know.

[Sally]

It's just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can imagine you had a sense of, like, oh, I. I stare death in the face, and I want to get out there and live. And, Ted, it makes perfect sense that you're like, hey, we stared death. Death in the face, and we created a cocoon. I don't want to leave the cocoon. It's safe in here. And we live in a little weird snapshot in history. We can just push a button, and food shows up at our house. That's awesome, right? And we just push a button, and whatever movie we want just pops in here, and we can just open this little computer, and our jobs just show up in our house. Like, why would we leave this? I get that, too. I totally get that, too. The hardest thing after a traumatic experience is a navigating grief, because both people grieve. Everybody grieves differently. David Kessler says, grief is like a fingerprint. Everybody does it differently. It looks different for everybody. And in a couple, it can be frustrating, because one person's resolution to grief is to get back out there, and the other person's like, how are you crazy? And the other person might say their response to grief is to just lock it up and try to keep every variable under wraps. And then the other person's like, are you crazy? Right. And so it can end up being a wedge that drives people apart if there's not curiosity and compassion about grief, and if there's not honesty about, okay, we made it through hell, and anybody in the world that would tell you there's no risk to going back out is lying to you. That's one of my. When I hear, like, mental health advice, and I hear, like, that one of my radars antennas that go up is when somebody says, no, you're going to be fine, dude. You don't know if you're going to be fine. Right. What's that old saying, like, just because you're paranoid doesn't mean people aren't following you. Right. Like, you can be scared of flying and go through all the exposure therapy and the plane you get on could crash. That's true, it could. Statistically, it's probably not going to happen, but it could. And so there's this balance of we made it, and there's a big, exciting, beautiful, adventurous world out there that is both amazing and life giving, and there's risk there. And it sounds like for you both to navigate this, Sally and Ted, if nothing else, y' all leave this call. I would love for y' all to both have permission to fully, fully put your wants out on the table and not feel like you have to hedge them for each other or to know the best way we can love each other is to be completely honest. And, Sally, that's you saying, I nearly died and I want to go see the Grand Canyon. I just made that up. You may not care about a big hole in the ground, but whatever. And, Ted, you saying, I watched you almost die. The thought of getting on a plane or on a train or getting in the car and driving to a gas station scares me to death. And both of y', all put your heart and soul on the table and then ask, what are each of us willing to do moving forward? And so, Ted, there's probably going to be some what I would call practicing. I'm going to go to the store. I'm not going to order food once this week. I'm going to go to the store and I'm going to feel anxious. I might even wear a mask. And people are going to look at me, and I don't care. They're in Florida. Everyone's going to stare at you and be like that crazy liberal. They don't know that your wife almost died from an infection. Like, I'm gonna wear a mask, but I'm gonna go experience the grocery store and get some milk and eggs. By the way, that'll cost you $11,000 for those two things. I'm gonna go get some milk and eggs, and I'm gonna feel the anxiousness, and I'm gonna walk in my front door and I'm gonna exhale, and I'm gonna feel that relief. And then I'm gonna be honest both about my fear and about the truth that it didn't kill me. And we're going to be honest with our doctor. And if the Anxiety spins up out of control. I'm going to be honest about getting some help with the anxiety with a counselor. I mean, you're talking 10 to 15 sessions most of the time. I'm going to commit to getting off social media because it will just feed my ecosystem of fear. Fear, fear. Right. You know what I'm saying? I'm going to quit Googling Long Covid, for God's sakes. Right? Like, because, man, like, they're going to have you bathing in essential oils and wrapping yourself in bubble, like, all that stuff. Right? It just depends on what you all want to do moving forward. But it starts with the permission for both of you to be honest and curious, not honest and then judgmental of each other. Here's what I want you both to have the courage to say if you want to say it on this call. That would be gangster. But you don't have to, because I know it's a lot of pressure. Ted, I want Sally to have permission inside her own home and inside her marriage to say, ted, I want to go see flowers again. I want to go climb a mountain. I want to go to a rock concert where there's people everywhere, and I want to jump up and down and get in a mosh pit. I don't. Sally, I don't know what you're into, but whatever. I want to go to a museum again. And Ted, I want you to feel that anxious, but I want you to give her permission to say that and have it not be a personal attack. Okay? Your feelings are yours and hers are hers. And they don't come at one is not attacking the other. They just both coexist. And Sally, I want you to be able to hear Ted say, I nearly lost you. And so the thought of wanting to go to a concert scares me to death. And not feel like that's a prison sentence for you inside your own home, inside your own marriage. You get what I'm saying?

[Sally]

Yeah, yeah, I got it. It's. I mean, I'm probably wasn't clear, but, like, I'm an introvert.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay.

[Sally]

I don't like going out. I, I guess I, I'm sorry, if I may sound.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just, I'm just running my mouth. You didn't do anything wrong. Sally, I'm just making up stories here, so don't. Yeah, don't feel judged at all. I'm just making up stories. Let me say this. If y' all both like the life you have, feel free to have it. Feel free to have it. I, I, I'm always going to look at the data that suggests having friends, having community, having family that you can rely on outside of a tiny postage stamp size fenced in house is good for the human spirit, for the human physiology, for human biology.

[Sally]

And that's kind of how I. I'm sorry, go ahead.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, like having somebody else's home that you can walk into and drop your shoulders and know you're welcome. There is a part of the lived human experience and I think technology has taken that from our, from all of us and it's killing us.

[Sally]

And yeah, I agree with that. So I guess we are both introvert. So, you know, you leave us to our own accord and we can just be happy, stay in house, hanging together. But I agree that, you know, community helps. You know, I feel like to be in connect with others, to be able. It helps us grow. It help us be able to reach out and helps others. It's just good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right.

[Sally]

Challenge for us. I guess for me, I guess that twofold. One part of it is I know how much Ted has sacrificed through all of this, and I feel like I'm roping him of that three years of his life because even before this, I feel like he's more social than I am. He has more friends, he has more people he connecting to and he's my only friend. So. So I feel like because of me, he has been going down to just me. And I know he totally happy with that. If not say he's, he'd ever come, like he's amazing husband, but I feel like, you know, if not because of this, he would have more connection. I feel like. So, so that's, that's, that's a part of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Ted, is that true?

[Ted]

I mean, I, I was definitely more connected in the past.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now do you, do you feel like Sally's been a burden to you for three years?

[Ted]

Oh, I wouldn't say that at all. I feel like I would go through anything for her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sally, I want you to hear that and internalize that. This man loves you.

[Sally]

He does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he man, this, this is, this is the definition of a ride or die. It's awesome. I love hearing it. And maybe that's the place to start hearing that side of your story. Sally, I think that's beautiful. But hearing that side of y' all looking at each other and holding hands and saying, you've never been a burden to me. You've been a blessing. And Sally, maybe for the last three years, you gave Ted a purpose he didn't even know he was capable of fulfilling. What a blessing. What a gift. And, Ted, your sacrifice and service to Sally may have given her love and connection in a way she didn't even know she was capable of receiving. Awesome. And on this side of the illness, you'll have a new marriage, and y' all get to build it and have it look like however you want it to look. And so maybe I got the stories backwards, Ted. Maybe way down, you're like, man, I wish I missed some guy friends. Or maybe you're like, dude, guy friends were so stupid, I can just play Fortnite and get what I need. I'll. I would challenge you on that. But also, y' all are adults and get to create the world you want to create. But, Sally, I don't want you to feel guilted into doing something you're not comfortable with. And, Ted, I don't want you to. To sacrifice part of your spirit and soul out of the sense of duty and safety, perceived safety. Everything's going to come with a risk. And so, a, start with what your doctor says. Always start with what your doctor says. If your doctor says, hey, you are free to move about the country as y' all feel awesome, get that stamp of approval. B, you're gonna have to have a season of practicing. What is it even like to re engage again, Ted? Maybe you take a call from some of your buddies, and you're like, all right, I'm gonna go out once, and I'm gonna try it out, and maybe I'll sleep in a separate bed that night just so you both feel safe. But whatever that looks like and feels like, commit to curiosity and not judgment. Commit to telling the truth. And like you just told me, Sally, commit to saying, deep down, Ted, I feel like you gave up three years of your life for me, and I have some guilt about that. And then Ted can respond with, oh, my gosh, I got to love and serve you in a way that I didn't know possible. Like, all that stuff. Put that on the table. And then with compassion, say, okay, who do we want to be in the next three months? 90 days? If you want to keep things exactly as it is, great. Knock your lights out. Then after that, put it on the calendar. We're going to reconvene, and we're going to get 90 more days. What does that look like? I do think experiencing the world long term, the outdoors, nature, beauty, friends, community, family, the messiness, the good, the fear, the risks, all of it in the long haul, is worth it. Like, y' all are Both worth it. But also be compassionate with your bodies, with your anxieties, with your. With your fears. Y' all have been through hell and back. And the amazing thing is y' all stood by each other's side. And, man, what an amazing example. Well done, you two. I look forward to what happens next. Call me back in 90 days and let me know how things are going. Pretty amazing couple, right? Here we come back, a woman wants to be a less reactive parent and she doesn't know where to start. All right, we talk a lot on this show about boundaries, emotional boundaries, relational, financial. But there's one boundary that almost nobody talks about, and I don't talk about it enough. Your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never even heard of. You didn't give them permission to have that information, but it's out there. And let's be honest, this isn't just annoying, it's a violation. That constant exposure creates this anxiety that's always just humming in the background of your life. Something always feels off when other people may know stuff about you, especially private things. And that's why I use Delete me. Delete me goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information. They track down your info and they remove it. And every few months, they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries, and boundaries help you have peace. So go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney to get 20% off. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney to save 20%. All right, let's go out to Phoenix, Arizona and talk to Marie. What's up, Marie?

[Marie]

Well, I'm talking to you, so I'm doing okay, I guess not great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I celebrate that with you. What's up?

[Marie]

So I had this very well thought out and I wrote down a few notes for myself to keep myself focused. Had I talked to you yesterday, I would have had a very different conversation than I'm having with you today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, fantastic.

[Marie]

A big question that I came to in my well thought out reasoning was I, you know, you're a fellow Gen Xer and you are also the father of a teenage son. So my question was as those two things, how can you help my husband and I be less reactive with our kids? And so yesterday my son dropped an FU bomb to my face and never in A million, trillion years did I think, one, my child would ever say that to me, and two, that I've had enough therapy to not go to jail. So, luckily, my husband and I have gone through a lot of therapy to work on all those 80s tropes because we could not be more Gen Xers. You know, the. All of it. The hose, you know, we got hit with the wooden spoon when we had big ceilings. We were sent away to our rooms. We did all of those things. And on top of it, you know, we were Boston Catholics, so we were served shame and guilt every night with our meat and potatoes. So we had.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Except for Fridays, when you got fish.

[Marie]

Exactly. Or pasta during lunch. Don't forget that. So. So, you know, we were the latchkey kids. So we've both done a ton of therapy to be better parents for our. Our boys. And, you know, when we first got married, we. We had a lot of fertility issues, and we ended up in couples therapy, which, honestly, was the best thing that ever happened to us because we learned, like, the Gottman method. And I know you've talked about that before, so my husband and I have worked that through our entire marriage, and it was the best foundation we could have ever had because we became parents by, like, a fire hose. We have four boys, and the age span is less than three years, so we have four boys. We had boys in diapers because we had two biological and two adopted. And that wasn't how we planned life, but it's what God gave us. And then as life went on a little bit, we had a very sick little boy for about seven years. And the only way we stayed married was because we had that Gottman Foundation. And then, you know, we separately have done therapy over the years to, you know, undo what the silent generation did to us. So my husband and I are very well grounded, and we have all these, like, great. And up until now, we were doing great. When the boys were little, it was like having a litter of puppies. You know, like, we fed them, we ran them, we rinsed and repeated, and then loved them. And, you know, they were like puppies. And it was honestly, the first 10 years. I know this is crazy, but even having foreign diapers for a period of time was easier than these teenage years. Like, we're. And I. I thought we were doing great, but apparently we're having a really hard time with, like, resorting back to that default setting of, like, guilt and shame and these big consequences. And we're good at a lot of things. We're really good at Repairing, because we have to repair a lot. We have to go back and tell our kids, you know, and I. One of the things I always say to my kids is, you know, Biggie and Tupac raised me and we can do this Dr. John's way or we can do this Dr. Dre's way. And last night I almost chose the orange jumpsuit because I cannot believe, because I know there respect is not the same as like, I feared my parents, but that's not respect. I know fear isn't respect. I have enough therapy to realize that. But also I would never, to this day, I would never swear in front of my parents, let alone drop an F bomb to their face. And I do think there's some value in that. Yesterday I wouldn't have said that, but today, what we went through last night and I had the restraint, which I'm so proud of myself because the old not therapized me wouldn't have reacted that way, you know, and it was just, it was really hard. So I've read all your books.

[Sally]

I can give you.

[Marie]

I could probably recite your book back to you. But like, you know, I know you were saying that, you know, there's. You gotta find the pause in between the stimulus and the reaction. And my husband and I with these teenage boys are having a really hard time finding that pause because our default setting is basically, you know, shame, guilt, consequence. And you know, that landed us in therapy. So it's not going to work with our kids either. And we don't want to be like that. So how do you do it? Being a Gen XR and being a teenage boy dad? Because I don't know if we're going to survive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I smoke a lot of weed is what I'm just totally kidding. Kelly's just like, oh God.

[Marie]

I'm like, how much tequila is in the house?

[Sally]

I don't know if I can do this.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Let me. Let's reverse engineer last night and I think I can help. What led up to that final nuclear option for your 15 year old son?

[Marie]

He screen time. Him and I, our battles are always revolving around screen time with him pushing the boundaries with that. And yesterday, you know, instead of yelling from across the house, supper's ready, come down to eat because you have to go to football. It was. I sat next to him. Hey, what are you doing? What are you playing? Oh my gosh. Yeah, you were on that level last night.

[Sally]

That looks cool.

[Marie]

All right, right after this round, we got to go down and get dinner going because you have to leave for football? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, and I'm like, all right, you finished round. And I'm sitting next to him and I'm like participating in it. And then I was like, all right, you know, you said after this round we were going to go down. And he was like, well, I'm not even hungry. And I'm like, right, but you have an hour and a half football, you got to go and I'd like you to have something to eat. I was like, can you. Let's come off anyway. Even if you're not going to eat for me, can you just come off so we can get going here? I'll come down when I'm ready. Well, you said you were ready when this round was over. The round is over, we got to wrap it up here. And it was. And then I was like, all right, well you're using all your time now. Like we have all these parental controls on there. We give them two hours on school nights. You know you're going to run out of your time and I know you're going to want to do this when you get home. I'm just letting you know. I'm going to go downstairs.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, I'll pause here. Let me cut you off right here. Okay, I've already heard it. Did you hear it?

[Marie]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What?

[Sally]

I didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So you have a set of values, desires and wants for your son and you tell them what his desires and wants are and he has learned that he can just nod and call, say cool, cool, cool moments. And most of the time you'll just go away. And occasionally you will stand your ground and try to convince him that the desires and wants and needs that you have handed him are actually his and that he should be held accountable for them. And then in his nervous system, in his chest, he knows, I don't want to eat, I'd rather play this game. And you know you're going to feel terrible if you go play a football game. You're going to come home exhausted and then you're going to stay up and eat dinner, then you're not going to sleep and this whole cycle is going to start over again. And so you're giving him some wheeze and some I thought use and don't you want to's. And what a 15 year old desperately needs is two things, really firm boundaries and the lived experience of a consequence. And you're uncomfortable with both because they. One of them feels like the fear you grew up with and one of them feels like, if my son is Hurting. I feel that pain in my chest. And somehow I have failed my son. And neither of those things are true. And so the way you've described the Gottman method, the way you've described your therapy has all been this thing that you've experienced at arm's length. But I want you to take full ownership. Your house is different now than the one you grew up in because you and your husband have done a bunch of work. And y' all are different people now, not because you have the Gottman method. The Gottmans didn't do anything. They put a program out there. Y' all did it. Y' all experienced it. The therapist doesn't come to your house and change the way y' all fight and. And say you're sorry. Y' all have done that. And so for the first time in your whole freaking life, I want you to pat yourself on the back and say, I have done a whole bunch of work and I'm grinding it out. And I am proud of myself. Say those words. I am proud of myself.

[Marie]

I am proud of myself because I didn't go to jail yet.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, no.

[Marie]

Because I cannot believe. I am proud of myself because I cannot believe I didn't react. Because I. That's. It goes so against my grain.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. But here's the thing. Here's what comes next. You. You both, you and your husband circle back up tonight, and you sit down with your. With your 15 year old and your husband says, no man. No man says those words to my wife, period. Ever. Especially not in her house. Apologize to your mom. And because y' all have done a good job in with repair, he has a roadmap for what an apology looks like. I'm so sorry, Mom. And then your husband says, there is some extremely strict consequences for this action. You chose to say F you to my wife, to your mother. And so by extension, you chose to have absolutely no video games for the next few months. Is a weird choice, but that's a choice you made. Our choice for you is. Our hope for you is that you choose to take the two hours that we give you, which, by the way, is too much, Marie. But every y' all get to do whatever you want is that you choose that. But you made a different choice. And you gotta own the consequence to that. And he's gonna get mad, he's gonna get frustrated, he's gonna hang his head, he's gonna feel shame. And in this moment, it he. A person should be ashamed when they tell their mom, f you it's, it's the toxic, constant, pervasive shame. I'm not a good boy. And that's where you lean in and put both hands on his face and say, I love you. And we are a fireball of a family. And I love that about you and I love your spirit. And I realized I give you mixed messages. When I say you are going to be hungry and you don't feel hungry, that's on me. I take that. And I get that you, when I tell you you're going to want to have eaten, and you're like, I don't want to have eaten. And so you can tell your son with both hands on his face, communicating physically, I love you and I'm here. I'm going to stop putting my wants and desires into your lap. You're gonna go to football practice because you committed to this team and you don't have to eat and you're gonna be real hungry. But that's a choice you get to make. Same as you chose to not have these video games for two months. My son doesn't get a vote in how I respond because I'm an adult, but I'll be damned if some. Anybody's gonna walk into my house and use that kind of language with my wife. And both of those things are very true. And there's something way more terrifying, I think, of somebody who is very in control of what happens next than somebody who's just running their mouth like a chihuahua or barking like a dog. Right. And so absolutely your husband. And you need to address this head on, beginning with your husband looking your son directly now and saying, no man, no man. Nobody will use that kind of language with my wife, period. And then the choices that your son made is how he chooses the consequence. If you go in there and be like, I'm taking away this for, then you've. You've pitted him against himself. If you go in there and say you chose this and so that means you chose this consequence, then he gets to live with the consequences of his actions. His choices have consequences.

[Sally]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that doesn't make you a bad mom. And one blow up from a 15. There's a reason we don't let 15 year olds buy beer because they're 15. That doesn't mean that you get an F on your parenting scorecard. The fact that you didn't get go nuclear says you got an A.

[Marie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He's had to sit in that all day. What he said to his mother, that's powerful.

[Sally]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? Yeah. So hear me Say this.

[Marie]

Don't even get that kind of language.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Listen, mama. You did good, mom. You did good. It's got to be addressed. We're not going to talk like that in this house. But we're going to make our boundaries, our. The chosen behavior we want very clear. Don't we want to be okay? I think we're going to be done after this level. We're not going to do that. A 15 year old can't. A 15 year old? That's too vague. The game is off in five minutes. I would choose to save because I, your parent, am turning this game system off, period. Dinner is going to be on the table for you to eat before your game. If you choose not to eat. Cool. You're choosing hunger. You're choosing to have less performance on the field. Great. You're 15. You can live with that chosen experience. It's a weird choice, but choose it. And you chose to drop the motherload of F bombs in here. There's a chosen consequence. And know that those kind of explosions are the end of a skill set. They're not a character defect. I have a lot of compassion for 15 year olds that just explode. I've gone as far as I can. You're telling me that I feel this. You're telling me that I want this. You're telling me that we should want to do this together. I don't feel any of those things. Boom. Instead of the adult coming in and saying, I'm the adult. Game system's off. I'm the adult. Dinner's on the table. I'm the adult. Football practice starts. You made a commitment. We leave in five minutes. And kids can anchor into firm boundaries like that. And that doesn't make you a bad parent. That makes you, as Dr. Becky says, the most sturdy parent possible. So high five for you for not reacting and nuking the house and burning down a 15 year old. 15 year olds should not talk like the way to their parents 100%. Wouldn't happen in my house. Wouldn't happen any other house. But we're going to respond to it as adults. Responding to a child as a child is exactly. It meets their nervous system right where it's at. I'm proud of you, Marie. The next move is you and your husbands. Firm boundaries, firm consequences and firm choices. We'll be right back. All right. I've been telling you about Cozy Earth's bamboo sheets and their pajamas for a while now. They give you the kind of comfort that makes coming home from a long day out in the wild or from a chaotic workplace. A reason to celebrate. And now, as the weather gets cooler, Cozy Earth is introducing soft wash cotton sheets. Yes, I love sleeping on cotton sheets. In the fall and especially in the winter. Amazing cotton sheets give you that perfect broken in feel that you get from your favorite T shirt after years of wear. Cozy Earth's new cotton sheets and feel just like that right out of the package. They're breathable, cozy and they make you feel at home like you've had them for years in the best way. And as always, Cozy Earth's new soft wash cotton sheets come with 100 night sleep trial. 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They use this time to tell me about their days or discuss anything that's bothering them. I enjoy spending time with him. Is this age inappropriate? No, no, no, no. I got in last night. I did a set at the comedy club. I got in late and I walked straight up into the house and walked straight into my son's room hoping he was still awake. And he's in high school. And I sat down, I got a download of his day. He was journaling because he's a better human than me and we had some great conversations. I asked if there's anything I could pray for him for. I it was a great conversation. And so no, there's not an age appropriateness to checking in. If you need your kids to be stable for you to be okay, then that's not healthy because then your kids know it's my responsibility to make mature mom and dad's nervous systems. Okay, but, dude, tucking your kids in is not a childy whatever. It's awesome. It's a great way to get a download. We call them in counseling, we call them doorknob disclosures. Right at the last second, they're like, oh, by the way. And that happens a lot with kids. It's the first time they've slowed down. It's the first time there's not a whole bunch of adults telling them what to do, where to go, how to stand, how to dress, how to eat, how to do math. It's a time they just exhale and no, as long as your kids will have you to tuck them in and say goodnight and I love you, let that be. Let that be. What do you think, Kelly? 1,000% agree with you. All day long. Yep. All day long. My son is 19, and I'll still go up there and tell him good night. And that's when some of the best conversations happen and some of the funniest jokes happen. So it's. It's. It's magic time. And, yeah, take that. As long as those teenagers will give that to you. Love you guys. Bye.