← The Dr. John Delony Show
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- [00:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
What up? What up? Listen, Black Friday week is here and that means you can save big on questions for humans decks and my book Building a Non Anxious Life and more@ramseysolutions.com store.
- [00:18]
Tony
How can I get my wife to, you know, to love me and trust me again?
- [00:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
Why doesn't she trust you?
- [00:23]
Tony
I think a lot of it's just been my communication hasn't been the best it candidates. About two years after that first incident, you know, she delivered it to me straight on and said this wasn't working.
- [00:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hold on, hold on. You keep referring to an incident, dude. And here, like, tell me of what I'm missing. What up? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm so glad that you've joined us. Thanks for being here. Talking real people going through real stuff. Their emotional health, their mental health, their relationships, whatever they got going on. My commitment is I'll sit with you and we'll figure out what's the next right move. You want to be on the show? Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask. Let's go to 817 out to Fort Worth, Texas and talk to Tony. What up, Tony?
- [01:12]
Tony
Hey, good morning, Dr. John. This is a surreal moment for me, but pleasure.
- [01:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, I appreciate you, man. I don't get to talk to Texans enough. So glad, glad to have you on. What's up?
- [01:23]
Tony
So, you know, I want to, I want to preface this by, by saying, you know, my wife's a big fan of your show. She actually got me into it. We candid maybe a little bit about a month, two months ago. You know, we've just been talking about a lot of things and you know, I feel like I've been watching you forever, though, and just seeking, seeking answers here and there as far as to kind of better our relationship.
- [01:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
I appreciate it. I'll do my best, man. I'll do my best.
- [01:46]
Tony
But I'd reached out. You know, my question just overall is, you know, how do I, how can I get my wife to, you know, to love me and trust me again? You know, there's been a couple of things that have played into this factor, but, you know, that's the, the overall, the overall premise.
- [02:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
Why doesn't she trust you?
- [02:04]
Tony
So it started about, you know, four years ago. I mean, prior to that, you know, let me, let me just say this. I met my honey about maybe about eight years ago. Right. A little bit over. And God, we've had a great ride, and everything that we've said we've set out to fulfill, we fulfilled. You know, we have a beautiful house. We have two baby boys. But a majority of it started about four years ago is when I first had my. My first boy.
- [02:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hey, do me a favor, brother. Talk directly into the phone for me.
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Tony
Yes.
- [02:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
There you go. There you go.
- [02:34]
Tony
Is this a little bit better now?
- [02:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, much.
- [02:37]
Tony
And we had. Covid had just hit. We had just gotten our first house, and I was working quite a bit, and my wife had basically just told me, hey, you're working so much. I'm telling you I need these things. She was telling me, I need you to be here more. I'm stressing, you know, I want to go back to work, but I also don't want to be away from the baby. And, you know, like, what. What can we do? How can we. How can we make this better? And not only that, but, you know, I kind of told her, instead of trying to fulfill those needs, I ended up reciprocating my frustration in my line of work at the time and saying, you know, I want out as well. Right. And so that caused her to kind of go into this emotional wreck, this emotional hurdle of, you know, like, we're not trying to fix this. You know, we're. We're both on the same BO Boat. And I really wasn't communicating. I was living by actions rather than communication. And so that caused a little bit of turmoil in our relationship at that timeframe, and that's where it started. We've worked on it throughout the course, but that's where a lot of it has stemmed from throughout the years. From then on, any little thing, any little hurdle that we come across, any little objection or, you know, brings her back into that state of, you know, why am I still continuing this? You know, like, I'm putting her back into a whole. You know, And I think a lot of it's just been. My communication hasn't been the best. I've been trying to figure out how to. How to dive into these deeper conversations because I'm afraid that when I. When we have had these conversations, I haven't had the answers for her. And that. And that scares me as well.
- [04:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
There's something else here, because either that or she is laying down emotional finish lines for you, and every time you cross them for her, she moves them again.
- [04:36]
Tony
Yeah.
- [04:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
Because she's unsettled in her own skin, and she's trying to make you fix it.
- [04:42]
Tony
Definitely. And, you know, she's told Me this, you know, and to be candid, about two years after that first incident, you know, she delivered it to me straight on and said this wasn't working. And, and so, you know, we separated. We separated for about you know, three months. Still lived together because we still had our babies. But, you know, after about three months of trying to fix and trying to, you know, work our way back to one another, I also found out that she was kind of having, I would say, an emotional affair with, you know, with someone else. And in my head, I had tied it back to, you know, this was the cause of it. This was the cause of our separation. And, and, and I know that wasn't the case. Right. You know, she said, you know, why. Why did it take this situation to happen for you to communicate your feelings?
- [05:26]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hold on, hold on. You keep referring to an incident, dude, and here, like, tell me of what I'm missing, because what I hear is during a global pandemic, your wife quit her job and stayed at home with two. With one or two new babies. You went to work, and you doubled down at work.
- [05:46]
Tony
She, she, she. She was still working, but she was. Because covet had hit. She was technically working from home, not. Not working from home, but was inflated to go back for about six months.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so. But the incident here is you just kept working really hard, and she was kind of panicked. And you were kind of panicked.
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Tony
Yes.
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Dr. John DeLoney
That's not an incident. That's a. That's. That is a innate natural response to the world imploding on itself.
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Tony
Right?
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Dr. John DeLoney
It's like. It's like if a building is on fire and it starts collapsing and then two people run out the front door. It's like the one who ran. Right. Is just furious and pissed that the other person ran left. It's like, dude, you. You don't judge that innate response. So. Okay, cool. You didn't do that. In retrospect, you wish you had worked a little bit less and held her on the couch more or been more present with X, Y, or Z.
- [06:42]
Tony
Definitely.
- [06:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's not an incident. That's a, That's a thing couples go through when they're stressed and, and pulls on a relationship and you learn from it and then you move on.
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Tony
Right?
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Dr. John DeLoney
So anything that happens now, three years, four years later, unless I'm missing something, I think she's wanted out of this relationship for a long time.
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Tony
And, and, and, and that's what it. And that's what it feels, you know, and, and.
- [07:10]
Dr. John DeLoney
But you called me asking, what can you do for her? To it sounds like. And I don't want to talk ill of people who aren't here. Sounds like she's the problem. She doesn't want to trust you. Or she's just going to keep using those things to see somebody else, to not have to. You see what I'm saying?
- [07:30]
Tony
And what am I missing? I don't know that. And that's where. That's where I've fallen back. Because, you know, she's definitely. She's told me that. Of course, you know, she. She wants to trust me again. You know, we've worked on. And the fact that we've worked on quite a bit of these things along the way.
- [07:45]
Dr. John DeLoney
Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony. I'm sorry to interrupt you. What did you do to violate trust? You worked too much during a pandemic.
- [07:53]
Tony
No, no. I mean, that was the initial start.
- [07:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
Did you cheat on her?
- [07:57]
Tony
No, I've never cheated on her. But there was a time where last year in my job, I work sales. And so there was an event that I had wanted to take my wife to, and it was for a client event. And when she had gotten home, she was working a little bit late. She had gone home, and I was already ready. I was like, you're going to come with me. And she said, no, you should just go alone. And so in my head, I was like, okay, I'm just going to go. And I was there for about maybe an hour, and then I came back and I was just there.
- [08:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right.
- [08:33]
Tony
We're meeting with a client, meeting with, I think, a few coworkers that were potentially going to go, but they never did. And I came back home. My wife had seen a text on my phone from a previous. From one of my other coworkers from some time prior to that, of me saying something like, hey, you know, I'm here waiting for you. I'm going to get down. And this is for a whole separate company luncheon event. But she kind of. It tailored back into that, like, what is going on? Right. Is this why, you know, you wanted to go to this event but didn't want me to go? And bro, you're.
- [09:08]
Dr. John DeLoney
You are. You are being gaslit to mars and back. If my wife. My. My wife, if she found a text on my phone to Kelly that said, hey, I'm waiting for you. Where are you? Actually, that text would probably be in reverse. Like, a lot like her Kelly texting me, where are you? Because I'm late. But it would never even enter my wife's mind that I'm having a sexual Affair with somebody.
- [09:38]
Tony
And I think for me, the biggest reason was within one of those texts. I deleted one of them just because I felt like it came off as like they had said something about like, oh, I appreciate you, and something. And I said, I don't want this in my phone because my wife reads this, she's going to get this misconception.
- [09:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, that's unhealthy. That's unhealthy. Yeah, it's unhealthy on your part. You are living inside of an electric cattle fence. I don't believe. Unless you're. Unless you're totally withholding on me. I don't think you're the one, like, getting a text message from a female co worker that says, hey, I appreciate you. Awesome job on a sales call, on a. Bailing me out of a thing on a. Whatever. Right, right. That's not a weird thing. Unless. Unless your spouse has specifically said, you have violated my trust in the past. And part of rebuilding trust is going to be, I don't want you texting female co workers. She gets to say that, and you get to decide whether I'm in or.
- [10:41]
Tony
Out on that 100%. And that's where I think the biggest. The biggest thing that she has stated to me, and I will never not say that, you know, she hasn't reciprocated her needs. It's been about, you know, a communication. This is what I need from you. And intimacy. This is what I need from you in communication. And, you know, I. And I've been living through actions rather than, you know, communicating those things. You know, when she said, I need you to be more present, I need you to, you know, make home feel like home.
- [11:08]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on. But you have to be specific.
- [11:15]
Tony
There's times where she stated where she'll come home and she feels like she gets a negative, like, a cold shoulder from me. Like, I'm giving her a glare from the side, bro.
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Dr. John DeLoney
She is this. I feel like she's burning you to the ground. You can't just. You can't just say, like, hey, when you came home, you were cold. How you were just cold.
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Tony
Yeah.
- [11:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
Or, hey, man, you. You. You don't. Like, you make it hard to trust how. Because you just are hard to trust.
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Tony
Right.
- [11:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
Or I need you more available. Okay. Like, I'm all in. Oh, my gosh. You don't know, right? You see what I'm saying? Do you know how many women listening to this? This, this phone call would kill for their husbands to talk less and actually, like, go act right.
- [12:03]
Tony
Right.
- [12:04]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I've had seasons when I'm in my head, I'm cold, walking in the door and my wife says, hey, when you come in and you're staring at your phone on one phone, your social media phone, and you're on the other phone, you're not done with work, yeah, that's a specific request. Hey, when I come home from work, will you stop whatever you're doing and just meet me at the door and give me a hug? Yeah, of course that's a specific request. What's happening to you is somebody who has put on a pair of glasses, that is anything I feel bad about in my own skin is his fault. And no matter what he does, he goes and provides too much. Well, then I'm going to complain that he's not quote, unquote, around. What does around mean? I don't know. I'm just going to keep moving that. When you walk in the door after leaving work an hour early or half an hour early so you can be, quote, unquote, present, then it's, well, now you're coming in cold. All right, what does that mean? Well, you know, you should know. You here. Here's the thing. I want to move a little bit past the words need in your home. I want to move past that. I think the word need is becoming a weapon in your home. I want you to both to move to the word want, because need, it sounds like you're starving somebody of something. Like, I need food or I'm going to die. I need water. I'm going to. I'm going to dehydrate. I need this, or I need presence or I need. You know, there comes a moment in a relationship, it's really important to say what you need. But there comes moments when the word need is a weapon. So I want y'all to switch it. I want you to say, here's what I want. And I want you to be very specific on pictures and words. When she says, you came in cold, I want you to look at her and say, okay, paint me a picture of what you want when I come in the door. I love you to the moon and back. I'm going to give you that picture. What do you want that. I don't know. I just. What picture do you want? You want me to have no bag? You want me to have my phones off and left in the car? What do you want? You want me to come in with my arms wide open? What do you want that to look like? What do you want my. Like the morning routine to look like. What do you want our sex and intimacy life to look like? What do you want? Because you're getting a lot of amorphous needs and need is just beating you over the head with a hammer and not giving you any clear direction. And bro, I, I don't, I don't hear a thing you did to quote unquote, violate trust. Unless she said, if you go to work again past 6 o'clock, I'm going to just assume you don't love me. And you were like, yeah, I don't care, I'm going to stay till 10. But it doesn't sound like that's what happened. So this is one of those clarifying, put your arm on the table and just wipe everything off of it. And you look across the table with your wife and say, do you want to be married to me? Because I want to be married to you. And I can't figure out how to meet your quote unquote needs. So I want to hear what do you want? What do you want? And by the way, you get to make a list of the things that you want. And it sounds like the Gottman's talk about this, but you have to assume positive intent if your marriage is going to make it. You have to change your default setting. And what I mean by that is you have to assume that if somebody says something wrong or comes in a little bit cold, that they're not doing it to spite you. They're doing it because, man, they must have had a rough day, or, man, their head must be somewhere else. They must have just survived a car wreck on the way home. Like it's, it's assuming the best. Not assuming I feel bad or I've had a rough day or I'm angry or whatever. And it has to be your fault because you said it wrong, your intentions were wrong, your text message is wrong. And now here's the deal, Tony. You're finding yourself deleting, like innocuous, like coworker messages. Hey, great job on the sales call today. You're deleting that because you don't want to, you don't want to poke the dragon. Your marriage is on thin, thin ice, brother. And I think it's one of those stop the music, turn on the lights moments. Do you want to be married to me? Because I really want to be married to you. What do we both want this thing to look like very specifically in pictures? And we're going to begin to practice that because my guess is your wife for some reason for whatever reasons, has become very uncomfortable with the life that she has co created. And instead of saying what she wants, she's blaming you for every ill will, every discomfort that she has. And it's not fair. She's got to own her stuff. You've got to own yours. And together you have to say, I'll serve you and you serve me. Let's go build something amazing. So I think it's time. Do you want to be married to me? And let's reverse engineer that question. If you got some specifics, brother, I'm always here. And if she wants to call, I'm always here. Thanks for the call, man. We'll be right back. All right, fall is here, everybody. And that means. No, not pumpkin spice. We're done with that. It means that I'm excited to start wearing more flannel shirts from Poncho, the world's best performance shirts for men. All Poncho shirts are great and their flannels are amazing because one, they take me back to my younger days when all I wore were flannel shirts and my boots and I listened to amazing grunge music. But the real reason I love Poncho flannels is because they are soft and incredibly durable. They have a little bit of stretch, so they move with you, not against you. And they dry so quickly. And they have slim and regular fits for different body types. And Poncho has denim shirts, too. Poncho shirts make great gifts for the men in your family this holiday season. So head to ponchooutdoors.com and check out all of their styles. And for this week only, get their best promo of the year. Enter code Deloney at checkout when you purchase two button down shirts and you're going to get two T shirts or two hats for free. Go to ponchooutdoors.com code DeLoney when you think of preparing for Christmas, what comes to mind? Like traveling, tons of extra expenses, candy, parent and in law drama, and people trying to fight each other over this year's cool toys. Sheesh. And while we may not be able to avoid these kinds of things, there are ways we can prepare for Christmas. And one of them helps us offset all the other madness by bringing us closer to God. It's using Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app on the planet. I use it every day and I love it. And this year, Hallow is starting the Advent Pray 25 Prayer Challenge. And it's going to be a fantastic way to find and keep peace as we approach Christmas They've got book studies led by Bear Grills and Jonathan Rumi, a study of Ephesians, prayer guides, and even Christmas music from Gwen Stefani. Yes, the Gwen Stefani, Lauren Daigle and more. And Hallow's got your kids covered during Advent with a great prayer challenge for the whole family this season. It's a real opportunity to get some questions answered and to be transformed by God. And Hallow wants to help you during this experience, so they're offering three free months right now for free. When you sign up@halloween.com DeLoney, you can enjoy the entire Advent Pray 25 challenge completely free. Go to hallow.com DeLoney for three free months. That's Hallow. H A L L O W.
- [19:28]
Tony
All.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Right, let's go out to North Dakota Burr and talk to Jennifer. What's up, Jennifer?
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Jennifer
Hi there. How's it going, Dr. John?
- [19:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
I am having the time of my life. How about you?
- [19:38]
Jennifer
Awesome. Today is a pretty good day. Thanks.
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Dr. John DeLoney
That's fantastic. So what's up?
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Jennifer
Yeah. Yeah. So my main question is, how do I handle the toxicity of blended family dynamic?
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Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, geez. Run, run.
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Jennifer
Still run and still be a good stepm mom and a good wife and a good mom to my own kid.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Tell me about that. Tell me more.
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Jennifer
Yeah. So my husband and I, this is both of our second marriages, and we've been Married together for eight years. Together for about 10 years total.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
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Jennifer
And it's my step kids, their mother is usually the situation that causes the most tension. And they've been divorced, I think, like, going on 13 years. And so I'm just like, I find myself wondering if it will ever go away and how.
- [20:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
What are things that she's doing?
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Jennifer
Yeah. So it just seems like, you know, sometimes there will be cordial moments and just low key. And then it's like a bomb goes off and it gets very thorny and what's a bot. A lot of the. Yeah, so like, a lot of the messages that we hear through the kids is like, don't tell dad this. Or like, if something comes up and they feel like they've slipped up and told us something that we aren't supposed to know. So it just seems very sneaky.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. You'll never fix that.
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Jennifer
I know, but it's like. And that's another thing. Is that it? I never. I mean, I didn't know what I was getting into. Being in a step family and being a stepmom, but having somebody that, like, I really hardly know. But they impact our life on a daily Basis, like so dramatically.
- [21:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. And so that's the, that's the sucky thing that you signed up for. And again, I know you didn't, I know you didn't know what you were signing up for, but like it's like a timeshare, like it's yours and it's yours forever. Right. And it sounded like a good idea, but here we are. And so I, I think the things you can manage on your end are having like. And this is going to sound so cheesy, but I want you to see what I'm building here. Okay. How old are these kids that are coming and going?
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Jennifer
Yeah, so they're teenagers. 14 year old and a 16 year old.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Boy or girl?
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Jennifer
Both.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Do you have a good relationship with them?
- [22:19]
Jennifer
Yeah, we have a solid relationship.
- [22:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
I want you to begin, if you haven't already, I want you to begin just you, if possible, alternating weeks by taking each one of them out to breakfast or dinner by themselves. I want you to get a nice leather bound journal and I want you to look both of them in the eye and say, this is the cheesiest, lamest thing, but I want you to do this for me. And I want you to write a few sentences every night and put it on their bed. And their job is they have to write back and put it on your bed. But I want it to be things like I just need you. If you didn't hear it today from anybody, I think you're an amazing kid. And find specific things that you. I want you to catch them doing great or working hard or the languages with little kids. I want to catch you being good instead of pointing out all the negative things. And the world of a 14 and 16 year old is everyone on the planet telling them where to sit, how to dress, what to do. I can't believe you did that. And that's their peers, that's their teachers, that's their coaches. And having. What you're doing is you're planting seeds, you're creating a soil that says this house will always be safe. And as you begin to build relational trust, and this is. You've got it. They trust you, they like you. We're talking about depth of soil. Here it is. Start a practice called what's one secret? Or you and your husband begin talking about how we don't keep secrets. Secrets will kill you. Yeah, and what do we. We're not going to solve that now. What you're doing is you're playing a game for when they're 25, you're actually, you're not playing a game at all. You're building soil. Because they're going to hit that life is going to hit them in the face, you know, this. And so we want them to know that when that does, you are a safe person to call.
- [24:16]
Jennifer
Yeah. And I guess that, I mean, that is what my husband and I like again, it's for 10, 15, 20 years down the road.
- [24:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's right.
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Jennifer
But it is like the daily things, when things come up and the kid is stuck in the middle and like she's impeding on our time and if we say no, then the kid suffers, you know, I don't.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Give me an example.
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Jennifer
Well, like for an example, this one, a couple of weekends ago, it was our weekend with them. We have them 50% of the time. So it's coming and going throughout the week and then set weekends. It was our weekend. And then they had, their mom had plans to go to a movie and so she texts the 16 year old and it's like, oh, see if you can sneak away and come to the movie with us. And we're like, we don't. Like, if we say no, then she gets left out of going to a movie.
- [25:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. But she gets to see that mom and dad have boundaries.
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Jennifer
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And she gets to see mom and dad mean what she says. And by the way, she's 16. And so being 16 and getting a text from anybody else, much less your mom and saying, hey, sneak away and do this thing, that's, that's going to be the most appealing thing in the world.
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Jennifer
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
So you're not going for being liked here. You're going for being loved and respected here. I got boundaries. And this is your time here at our home. And I think there's language like, this home doesn't work without you here. And not that your kid is propping you and your husband up, but that the whole family works together and it just, there's just a suck factor to it. How lame that another adult is using a 16 year old to prop up her own emotions. That's the worst.
- [26:11]
Jennifer
I know.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And, and you can't do anything about it unless you want. Your husband wants to take her back to court. So quit doing that.
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Jennifer
Oh, yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
I mean, no. Yeah, y'all aren't going to do that. And so it's this, it's an emotional immaturity and it just is what it is. But what you're, what you're hoping is that when your daughter reaches the age of 21, because right now she like, you're keeping me from my mom. I'm 16, I got my own car. I can do whatever I want. You'd let me go to the movies with my friends, but you just won't let me go to the movies with her. That kind of stuff. And she'll probably start sneaking away to go do it. Right. And I think there's something about holding a boundary line.
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Jennifer
Okay.
- [26:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
And also, here's the other side of that. If she sneaks away to go be with her mom at the movie theater, I mean, what are you going to do? You going to. You're going to ground her.
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Jennifer
Right.
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Dr. John DeLoney
You know what I mean?
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Jennifer
No. Yeah. And I don't know that she would. I think she's also kind of the type of kid who would just tell us, you know.
- [27:13]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right.
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Jennifer
You know, but I just don't like that they're in the middle and I.
- [27:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
They shouldn't be. And there's nothing you can do about it because they have another adult on the other side shoving them in the middle.
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Jennifer
Yeah.
- [27:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
The thing you can do right now is be heartbroken for them and then go be as stable and as secure and as, as Becky Kennedy says, as sturdy as possible. And by the way, it's going to intensify when they turn 17, 18. Mom's going to slip them drinks. Mom's going to have parties over at the house that y'all won't have. Mom's going to talk about going to Stanford when y'all can afford the, you know, whatever, like North Dakota State. And there's going to be all these wars.
- [28:02]
Jennifer
Yeah.
- [28:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I think it's important for. For dad especially, but for both of you to say, we are not going to war with your mom. We're just giving you the reality of our situation here.
- [28:13]
Jennifer
Yeah. And it does seem, you know, on our end, from our perspective, it does seem like things are like. Like manipulated or planned out. Like she. That house is very clearly the more lenient house, the more fun house, the more. Yes. And so it does just get so hard.
- [28:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
It does. And so you're going to have to risk being unliked for, like, you're just not going to be liked. I mean, like what? Like you're just not gonna be liked. And it makes me sad for you because in a perfect world, co parenting adults would both act like adults and they would come up. For the sake of the kids, they would come up with some consistent values. Part of me thinks if parents could do that, they wouldn't got divorced in the first place. But for the sake of the Kids knowing that the toggle back and forth. But it's very, very common that one parent is so insecure and wants to be the cool parent or the I told you so parent or the like, I want my kids to like me so desperately parent that I'm going to risk their safety, I'm going to risk their boundaries, I'm going to risk their emotional security because they're having to toggle between two homes. It's, it's lame and it's awful, but it is, it happens all the time. And so you have to cash out. I'm, I'm. And this is for all parents of teenagers. We're going to go through one year, two year, four years. We're going to go through a long period of time where you don't like me. And I'm okay with that because I love you. My job is to keep you safe and my job is to teach you boundaries and what safety and security and stability looks like. And then when their kid turns 21 or 24 or 26, they begin to go, oh, okay. And is that unfortunate? Yes. Do you miss out on some laughter and some joy and some, some shut doors like you're the worst? Yes. And I hate it, but it is. And so here's the important thing for you, Jennifer. The more energy you spend on wishing it wasn't like this, the more energy you're giving away to energy that could be used being present, going for walks, being silly, writing notes, going to, going to meet, having meals, having individual things. Because here's what we're doing with that kid. We want our kids nervous system to downregulate when they're in our presence, not up regulate. And if a parent is sneaking away texting a kid going, hey, I know the court ordered this but see if you could sneak away from your stupid stepmom and your dumb dad and come hang out with me because I'm awesome and cool. The kid's heart rate is going to increase. It's going to, it's going to activate them. And what we want is our kids to walk in the door and know whom of all the chaos of social media and of the, the drama that has been a high school kid and the future college and the impending doom the world as all the media sources are selling and my mom, all this. We want them to come home and know that they're, this is home base. Yeah. And I have to be willing to risk my kid not liking me but their nervous system knowing I'm finally home. So Jennifer, I, I Would maybe you write an imaginary letter that God help you. Never send it to the. To stepmom. To the. Their birth mother and just say, I wish you weren't doing this, but I'm letting this go. I'm not giving you any more real estate in my head. And when your kids come home and say, oh, you can tell them, hey, we don't keep secrets here. We don't keep secrets here. We're never gonna get mad at your mom because she just does what she does, but we don't keep secrets here. We love you and you're always, always welcome here. Thanks for the call, man. Sorry. You're in a pickle. It just makes me sad on behalf of the kids, that there are just certain adults that are hell bent on acting like children. Ah. Thanks for hanging in there, Jen. We'll be right back. All right. So I saw a headline the other day that made me want to bundle up all of my electronic devices and throw them into the lake. One third of the United States population's background information is now public for everyone. 115 million of us. 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Individual plans start as low as nine bucks a month, helping to protect you and your family from the risks of unwanted exposure, online scammers, spammers, stalkers, and thieves. Go to joindelete me.comdeloney today for 20% off. That's joindelete me.com deloney. All right, let's go out to San Francisco and talk to not so plain Jane. What's up, Jane?
- [33:41]
Jane
Hi there.
- [33:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
What up?
- [33:43]
Jane
How do I address my mom about how she plans to split her estate? Fairly given both of my brothers have Passed away.
- [33:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yowzers. Tell me more about that.
- [33:56]
Jane
Both my brothers passed away young. One at 50 and one at 60.
- [34:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
Jane. I'm sorry, what were their names?
- [34:02]
Jane
Yeah, Steve and Jeff.
- [34:06]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sorry.
- [34:07]
Jane
Yeah. So both of them left behind two kids. Adult kids. Adult kids. Well, they were teens or early twenties, but adults. Both of them left behind two kids. So I am the sole one left, and I also have two kids. So my mother is just doing her estate planning and hasn't really done much. My brother's sawing all the paperwork, so we're trying to figure all that out. And, you know, she's asking me questions. I mean, does she do it where it's, you know, me one third? And then both of my brother's kids would each split their father's portion.
- [34:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, no, no, no, no. Or she needs to leave the entirety of it to you with instructions on what to do with it.
- [34:50]
Jane
Oh, okay.
- [34:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
Because here's what's. Here's what's gonna happen. She's gonna leave, like, let's say, a home to six people. Two kids on one of one brother, two kids of another brother. And your two kids?
- [35:05]
Jane
Well, that was the question. She wasn't gonna leave any of the third to my kids. They would have just gotten it once I passed away.
- [35:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so think about this. So it's. It's to five people, and one of those kids is going to be broke and want to move in. And then another one of those kids. Wife is going to want to sell that house because she wants the cash to redo her kitchen. And you are going to want to just slow down everybody. And somebody is going to sue somebody who's going to sue somebody. It's going to end up in court, and they're going to sell it, and you're going to lose money on the house, and then everyone's going to walk away hating each other.
- [35:41]
Jane
That's what I'm afraid of.
- [35:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yes. The greatest gift is leave you the house with instructions to when you die or immediately you sell the house and give proceeds to X, Y, and Z. But it's very common that there's a ranch and the parents leave the ranch to all three kids. And one of those kids has an ex who has a stepson. And it just. And that stepson. Yeah. Says that that land's worth $4 million. I want to sell it right now. And it just. It just gets chaotic.
- [36:17]
Jane
Other than the house, how about things where there's beneficiaries, like, you know, accounts she has with different banks, CDs, all kinds of things like that. Does she split that?
- [36:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
I mean, if it's a clean split and she wants to give, you know, Tony Jr. Something and Danny Jr. Something, she can do that. I like leaving everything to a trust and having you as the custodian of the trust.
- [36:44]
Jane
Okay.
- [36:45]
Dr. John DeLoney
And then asking, mom, what are your wishes for this trust? And she writes them out. When I pass away, I want, like, a third of the total cost of these assets to go to these two kids, and they can split it up. And I want a third to go to these folks, and I want a third to go to you. Or you know what? I just want my grandkids to have $25,000 each. And you can decide how we're going to get that dollar amount. But.
- [37:14]
Jane
And that would be split against the six grandkids then, not just the. Not just the ones that lost their parents.
- [37:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
Y'all get to decide that. But I think it's asking. I think. Here's the deal. I think it's asking your mother what are her end goals for each one of these grandkids?
- [37:28]
Jane
Okay.
- [37:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
And trying to find an exact dollar amount is really a tough way to do it.
- [37:33]
Jane
It is.
- [37:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
And more. So, you know, granddaughter Susan is really into art and design. I want enough money for her to go to art and design school, and that might be 120 grand. And Tim is really into plumbing. I want to pay for him to go to plumbing school. What's going to be. That's going to be 22,000.
- [37:59]
Jane
Okay.
- [37:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
But I think asking her that. But yeah, if you. If she just decides to leave her assets to five people, it. I. It just takes. I've only seen that done well one time. One time, really. And it was. Interestingly, it was my dad's parents, my dad's older brother. I remember the Christmas Day. I was younger. I remember it. He. My. My dad's oldest brother, my uncle. There's four of them. Four kids, three brothers and a daughter. My oldest uncle called a meeting, and he went in the back bedroom at a Christmas Eve Christmas gathering of our whole family. And he, as the oldest brother, said, there's going to be no fighting, no hating, no dissension. Our family will not be broken up. As my grandparents were getting really, really old and their health was faltering, and he pointed at one of my uncles and says, you're an accountant. You're on the money. I'm going to handle some of the medical stuff, and I will. My family will be responsible for this. And they just split it up that way. And if you want a thing, go put a sticker on the bottom of the furniture of the couch or the whatever. And we were, we are not going to divide our family over this. And that's the only way I've ever seen it done. And all the other. Everybody shook hands, they all hugged and that was that. When my grandparents passed, it was the smoothest transition I've ever seen. But it's because one brother had the respect of everybody else. And all four of them are really amazing people of character.
- [39:30]
Jane
Right.
- [39:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that was it. It. It's just. I've never seen it happen like that any other way.
- [39:37]
Jane
Yeah, that's, that's what I was afraid of. So that's why I was asking.
- [39:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I, I would if. How much money are we talking here? We talking millions? Are we talking $100,000 total?
- [39:48]
Jane
2 million.
- [39:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, 1 million or multiple millions?
- [39:53]
Jane
2.
- [39:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
2 millions. Okay, so it may be. Mom, do you, how do you want to split this up? Do you want each grandkid to get 250 grand? Do you want each kid to get 250 grand's worth of a thing? And I think making you the custodian of the trust as her oldest daughter or her last remaining child, at some point she's going to have to trust you. I guess she can make a lawyer the, the custodian of the trust. But my guess is she's no, she trusts.
- [40:21]
Jane
She trusts me. Yeah, she trusts me. That's why she's leaving this to me to figure out.
- [40:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
So it's always, it's rarely the kid. Occasionally it's the kid that they don't parent, doesn't trust. But I'm less worried about that. I'm more worried about one of those grandkids married to somebody who finds out or thinks that their grandmother was worth millions, plural, and they just start suing. They start demanding, they start fighting, they start claiming. And it just takes a really special moment of grief and mourning and a really cool story where your grandmother and your. And your dad, I mean your mom and dad saved millions to share their, in their legacy and it becomes just poisoned.
- [41:03]
Jane
Yep. It happens all the time. I hear about it all the time.
- [41:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
I wouldn't have a job if it didn't happen. And it breaks my heart, right, because it's just so unnecessary. But people just get starry eyed and they're gonna say, no, that house is worth $8 million. Like it's clearly not. And then the whole thing just gets silly. So as clear as can be and as leave it to a trust or she leaves it all to you with very clear written instructions as the executor of the will. I want this much to go to each one of these grandkids, and the rest will go to you to split among your kids when you die. And by the way, you get to decide which, you know, heaven forbid, one of your kids is struggling with addiction or you're not. You might. The worst thing you could do is leave him half a million dollars.
- [41:46]
Jane
Right?
- [41:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
Right. And so you get to decide how you handle your two kids.
- [41:51]
Jane
Got it.
- [41:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I think there's some. Having some guiding principles. $2 million is a chunk of money. Handing a grandkid a quarter of a million dollars, maybe the greatest gift ever, handing a grandkid who is really struggling, struggling with opiates, a quarter of a million dollars will kill them. And so having the discernment or having an executor of the will or a custodian of the trust, that can both meet grandmother's wishes and also have some discernment because I refuse to kill one of my grandkids with a gift.
- [42:27]
Jane
Right.
- [42:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
You see what I'm saying?
- [42:29]
Jane
Yep.
- [42:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
So all this is messy. All this is hard. I would sit down with your mom and lay out what I just did. I'm not worried about. It's not about honoring your. They're her sons. It's about the reality of, hey, all those kids may have married somebody who may have a weird cousin. And here's how we're going to do this. We're going to leave it. All right. And we're going to go from there.
- [42:49]
Jane
And none of them are married yet, so you don't know what the future will hold.
- [42:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And I love for. How old are. How old are these grandkids?
- [42:58]
Jane
Anywhere from 27 to 40.
- [43:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, so they're established, right? They're all single and established.
- [43:05]
Jane
They're mostly. A few of them have some issues, but yeah, because they got a lot of money when their parent died, so that became a problem like you were kind of talking about.
- [43:13]
Jennifer
They're pretty.
- [43:14]
Jane
All established. Yes.
- [43:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. And so maybe it's a matter of the money is left to you to help pay off a mortgage. I'm not giving away cash.
- [43:24]
Jane
Yeah.
- [43:24]
Dr. John DeLoney
Or maybe the money is left to establish a second trust for their kids if they ever have them, for them to go to college.
- [43:32]
Jane
I suggested that. She didn't like that part, but that's cool.
- [43:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
I mean, you get to make all suggestions. It's her money at the End of the day. And here's what really will break your heart. She can do whatever she wants with her money.
- [43:42]
Jane
Right. I understand that.
- [43:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
Ugh. And I hate that. But it is what it is, what it is. And if that's the case, I would take my one third and I would stay as far away from that dance as possible.
- [43:51]
Jane
Yeah. Okay. That's a lot to think about.
- [43:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
It is. Just remember this clear is kind. And let's think not in dollar amounts. Let's think in stewardship. What. What do we want this money to be used for? How can this money bless somebody? Is it education? Is it a mortgage? Is it health care? Like, what is this money going to be used for? The worst thing would be a lifetime of money saved and earned to pass on that gets blown on vacations and depreciating asset like a stupid car purchase. And like, what. What a. What a blow to such an amazing legacy. Right?
- [44:31]
Jane
Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [44:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hey, she's lucky to have you as her daughter.
- [44:36]
Jane
Well, thank you very much for your advice. I'm gonna just absorb it all in and talk to her, so more.
- [44:41]
Dr. John DeLoney
Good. Best of luck to you. I also know no parent. No parent wants to talk about money or sex with their kids. And so that's a tough conversation just to have, period. But yikes. Whoo. All right, Jane, thanks for the call. Everybody will be right back. Hey, everybody, stop what you're doing. Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe, is having a Black Friday sale starting right now. I have long looked for a mattress that could help me rest comfortably at the end of long stretches of travel or at the end of hard days of work. And Helix is now my gold standard. Sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my rest. I'm getting into new levels of deep, refreshing sleep. And I've said this a lot, and I'm going to keep saying it. Everyone in my family now sleeps on a Helix mattress. And my family, like you, all, are all different. And because everyone sleeps in their own unique way, Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs a little love, they have mattresses for you too. Helix offers a hundred night trial, and all Helix mattresses come with a 10 or 15 year warranty. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz just like I did. It's going to help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preferences. And it takes less than two minutes. All right? And here's the best part. Right now Helix is offering listeners of the Dr. John DeLoney show 25% off all mattress orders, plus a free bedding bundle for their Black Friday sale. Go to helix sleep.com DeLoney for details and save up to 25% off. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney because with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right. Hey, we are back. I've got some cool housekeeping things first. Right now there are some mega sales going on on Questions for Humans cards and Building a non anxious Life. Right now Questions for Humans is on sale for 12 bucks. Kelly, where do they go? Ramsaysolutions.com store okay. Exactly. And building a non anxious life is 30% off until December 20th. So Ramsaysolutions.com store go get your Christmas shopping done there with with things that actually help people instead of shiny shenanigan crap. It's just going to end up in a desk drawer somewhere and bleh. Also, we're getting so close to the million milestone on YouTube if you'll do me a huge favor. This is like one of those just lame asks, but here we are. Will you go subscribe to the show? Go over to YouTube.com John DeLoney and subscribe. We're getting so close and one of my goals this year is to hit the million mark before January 1st. So head over there. It really would make a big difference for us. And really it's just, I'm just, I don't know, I want to hit a goal every once in a while. I got a goal to get better looking this year and wa wa and a goal to win battle of bands. Didn't even make finals. So help a brother out here. Hey, that's it. I hope everything is going well in your life right now and if it's not, head straight towards the discomfort. I love you guys. Stay in school. Don't do drugs. Talk to you soon. Bye.