← The Dr. John Delony Show
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- [00:00]
Glenn
Foreign.
- [00:06]
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- [00:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
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- [00:17]
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- [00:20]
Glenn
She didn't take my last name when we got married. Now we're expecting our first kid and I've tried to have the conversation with her about, like, hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like, the political climate, this, that and the other. Like there's some, like, voting things that she's concerned about if she has to change her last name.
- [00:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
What? What up? What up? This is John with Dr. John DeLoney Show. Welcome back. Welcome for your first time, however you showed up here or however long you've been here, I'm glad you're here. Talking about your mental and emotional health, your well being, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on. Pull up a seat and we're going to figure out what's the next right move if you want to be on the show. I don't answer questions and things on social media. I answer them live. Real people talking to other real people. Click the link in the show notes if you want to be on the show and it will get you here. All right, let's go to Glenn in Dubois, Pennsylvania. Hey, Glenn, what's up?
- [01:27]
Glenn
Hey, Dr. John, how you doing?
- [01:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm good. My man. What's up, dude?
- [01:31]
Glenn
So I don't know how to really have this conversation with my wife. We've tried to have it a few times over where, like, so she didn't take my last name when we got married.
- [01:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
Why not?
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Glenn
We kind of agreed to that beforehand that we were like, hey, she's trying to get into law school. So until she gets to law school, because she got her bachelor's before we were married, just so that everything carried over with her maiden name. And then she said, once I get into law school, I'll change my name. And then she got into law school and it hasn't happened. We're going on two years into law school, hasn't happened. And now we're expecting our first kid. And I've tried to have the conversation with her about, like, hey, just her last name. And she's like, well, I really want to maintain my name with like, the political climate, this, that and the other. Like, there's some, like, voting things that she's concerned about. If she has to change her last name that she'll lose out on rights is her concern that way. But I'm not sure how to address really focusing on our child because it's our first kid is coming. Like, how do I have the conversation with her?
- [02:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Hold on. Don't put this on your kid. This is. This is in your chest, okay? Like, your kid is surfacing an issue. But let's don't. Let's don't make it the kid's fault. Let's own it between you, between you and her. Y' all made an agreement, and she
- [02:50]
Glenn
broke the agreement, and she says she didn't. She's like, I never promised that, but I don't know how to.
- [02:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
What political stuff is she talking about?
- [03:01]
Michelle
She.
- [03:02]
Glenn
There's rumors on the right about, hey, when you go to vote, your birth certificate has to match your id. And if you've been married, your ID no longer matches your birth certificate because you changed your name when you got married. And so.
- [03:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
So the people on the right left
- [03:20]
Glenn
are saying that, hey, they're trying to take away women's rights to vote. And so I'm not going to make that argument at this point. I've kind of let that ship sail at this point, but I'm not sure how to, like, address that with, like, hey, our kids about to come into the world. Our first baby. Are we giving her my last name? Are we giving her your last? Or what are we doing? Because, like, I'm already getting the side eye from people that find out that she has a different last name than me and we've been married for five.
- [03:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
- [03:51]
Glenn
Like, I don't know where to go with that. With our own kid. Like, it, like, does my name not worth that? You know, she's. She's sticking to her family's maiden name, and I'm like, well, what. What about my name carrying on?
- [04:08]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, yeah, what does she. I'm so sick of both political camps being so insane. So insane, so insane, so insane, so insane.
- [04:28]
James
I don't.
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Dr. John DeLoney
I don't even. I don't even know what to say. And here's the thing. My first reaction is, there no way someone's trying to take away a women's right to vote. But you know what? I can't logically say that anymore because there probably freaking is right? There probably is.
- [04:44]
Glenn
There's so many things that I said. There's no way that they're going to do that. And then these things have happened.
- [04:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's exactly right.
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Glenn
So the recent election.
- [04:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
So, Dude. And. And the conspiracy theories Run amok. I mean, like, so I. Bro, I don't know what to tell you.
- [05:07]
Glenn
I'm trying to separate, like, the. The political side and just focus on, like, hey, this is, like, between you and.
- [05:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
And yes. And yes. Here's what. Here's the thing. Whenever I feel like, I feel right this second, which is I just want to pull all my hair out and go screaming into the night. And it's the daytime here, and I want to go screaming into the night because evidently, I can make up what time of day it is now. You know why? Because there's no such thing as a fact anymore. Here's the thing. I double down, triple down, quadruple down on what I can control. And I married my wife. And if her and I together, ride or die, have to face some political side on the right or the left or some new thing that from AI like. And we have to choose. I choose her. Right?
- [06:02]
Glenn
100.
- [06:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
The way you've rolled out this story is your wife does. Has some ideological reason for not wanting to take a man's name, and she's gonna keep giving you another excuse and then another one, and then another one and another one. And so I think drilling down to the bottom of this thing, right? Because first it was well entry into school, then it was, well entry into, like, I need to graduate, and then I need to get to the bar. It's gonna be a pain in the butt to change. And now it's. Well, there's this rumor that they're trying to take away women's rights to vote in Pennsylvania. Right?
- [06:42]
Glenn
Like, it's always gonna be only daughters. And so that's another one she's used.
- [06:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
There you go. So it's going to be an Exactly. And so getting to that. Hey, is the real move here. You want your family name to carry on? Is that what we're doing here? Because, like, have the. It just all this theater and all these proxy conversations and excuse after. Excuse me. We got to drill down to the bottom thing. And it might mean you forcing the issue in a. In a always dignified, always respectful, be the man you want to be. Regardless of how she's responding, I'm going to be a person of character and integrity. But is your main goal here. I'm going to push this issue, and we got to solve it. I need you to look me in the eye and say, I will never do this ever. And that way I can make my grownup decision whether I'm going to stay in this thing or I'm going to say I feel like from. From the outset, you've not been telling me the truth for this many years.
- [07:41]
Glenn
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Right. But I need you. I need you to. I need you to be fully transparent with me, because my bigger concern is what else is on the fringes and margins of your marriage that are just. I'll talk about that later. Well, we'll think about that later. And it. And you're feeling like I'm trying to. To grab on. I'm trying to hold, hug, love this person. And I feel like I'm just grabbing a vapor because she's dodgy. She keeps moving. You know what I'm saying?
- [08:12]
Glenn
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And I think you have to have the courage to be clear and say, I want my child to have my last name.
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Glenn
That seems like a big conversation, and I just. I really don't know how to even start it.
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Dr. John DeLoney
I know, but you're not being honest with her if you don't say that.
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James
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Because that's what you believe.
- [08:35]
James
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And you want to put it on her and you want to put on your kid. Now I want you to take ownership with her and say, I want to have my child have my last name. And she can say, I want my child to have my last name. Well, then, now you'll have to deal with this thing. But right now, you're dealing in abstractions and moving parts and excuses and conspiracy theories. Like, you see what I'm saying? Let's get to the thing beneath the thing. Beneath the thing. Where. Where else does your relationship with her feel slippery?
- [09:13]
James
Honestly, poor.
- [09:14]
Glenn
Like, we. There's something like, as soon as I finally. The light turned on for me, that I was like, you know what? I really need to pull the trigger and marry this girl. It has. There has been, like, zero anything like, it's been. I've never been happier in my life. Even if I lost my job tomorrow, I'd still be the happiest I've ever been in my life. Like, she has been, like, the best thing that has brought more joy into my life and helped me to see. Like, oh, my gosh, those things don't matter in my life. And so, like, it's. This is, like, the one thing that I'm. Like, it still grinds on me, but it's, like, the only thing. And so everything else is just in the back burner because.
- [09:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, say that. Say that to her exactly as you just said that to me. What you just said is poetry, brother. But if you go, if. Because she's given you so much light in your life, and because she has helped you see things and because she is helping you on a day by day basis, become the man you want to become. And you're doing that for her, helping her become the woman she wants to become. That's a world class ride or die marriage. But in the process of doing that, if you start hiding things that matter to you to keep that peace,
- [10:36]
Glenn
your
- [10:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
insides will turn to ash. And so being able, looking her in the eye and say, you have given me new life. You've given me light, You've taught me things, you've shown me things. I know that you love me till the end of time. And I want my child to have my last name. Be it tradition, be it faith, be it I. Any just cuz I just want to say it out loud. This is what I want. And I want to hear what you want. Because here's the, here's the thing, Glenn. That conversation, it's a coming. A nurse in a hospital is going to hand you all a birth certificate and one or both you're gonna have to sign it. I forgot how it goes, but that, that conversation's coming. Have it now.
- [11:33]
Glenn
Yeah.
- [11:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Especially when you're like, I could tell how much you love this woman. Does she love you this much back?
- [11:43]
Glenn
I would be astounded if she didn't.
- [11:45]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. If I, if I was talking to her and I was like, do you like this guy? Would she say things like you just said about her?
- [11:52]
Glenn
I would think so, yeah.
- [11:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [11:57]
Glenn
In her own way, of course.
- [11:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
Of course. She's. She's a law student. Of course.
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Glenn
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
I spent my career with law students. I get it. I think a part of being fully you is being fully honest. I. I guess I, I'm curious as to why you're scared to say that out loud.
- [12:19]
Glenn
Because it does happen. And it gets like beyond like a point of like making any sort of progression, she just shuts down.
- [12:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [12:29]
Glenn
And it just doesn't progress anymore. And then I'm like, okay, now we have to readdress this. But we. She shut down in a way that we can't say, hey, let's come back to this in a week, a day, an hour, whatever that might be. And that's where I'm struggling, is like, okay, I don't want her to shut down. I want to actually like work through this conversation because like my argument style is we're going to keep going until we find a solution or a compromise. And she's just like, no, we're done and I'm off.
- [12:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, so One of my rules for. For conflict is it's your job to speak in a language your spouse can hear. And so what if you tried this? Because I'm a withdrawer and my wife is a shutdowner. And the few times we've had to have either or conversations in our marriage, like, both of us have called out before the conversation. We both need to stay at the table on this one. And a couple of times I have said, here's what I want. Here's I want to talk about. And I'm going to give you, like you tell me, 24, 48 hours we're going to have this conversation. And my wife graciously has said, okay, we'll do it on Wednesday. And it's Monday when I'm talking to her. And so you telling her, here's the deal. I got us dinner reservations on Wednesday. That way you can get out of class, you can still study for 111 hours like law students do every night. And we're going to dinner. I want to take you to dinner. And here's the conversation I want to have. I want to have. I want my child to have my last name. And I know that's a huge thing. And so I'm gonna give you a couple days to think about it, and if Wednesday's not good, we can go Friday. I made a reservation on that night, too, right?
- [14:15]
James
Yeah.
- [14:16]
Dr. John DeLoney
But I'm gonna give you a couple days, and that way you can metabolize it, get your response, and then we're gonna come and we're gonna have that conversation. Okay. I'll put the onus on you to have the conversation in a way she can hear it, in the way you've tried in the past. We're just gonna keep hammering away at this thing till we solve it. That's not working. And so let's say.
- [14:39]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
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- [14:40]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm just. At some point, you become that the. The American in the Mexican food restaurant, and the waiter comes up and. And says something in Spanish. And you say, I want two burritos. And they say, k. And. And they start. They respond back in Spanish. And you're like, I said, I. Like, I'm going to talk louder and slower and still in English, right?
- [15:01]
Glenn
Yeah.
- [15:02]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, at some point, all right, I'm. I'm going to talk in different language then, right? And it. If she won't have the conversation, that in and of itself is something y' all need to address. Because, man, you think naming a kid is tough. Every decision after this just gets harder and harder and Harder. I can't. I'd love to be a fly on the wall in your house. And you'll have the vaccine conversation when y' all have the school conversation, when you have the religion. I mean, it's there. All those things are coming, man. So coming up with a way we can learn together to be on the same team while we tackle a problem that's on the other side of the table. And it doesn't become you versus me. It becomes us versus this problem.
- [15:44]
James
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And the problem here is the baby's name. We're on the same side. I want it to be my name. I want it to be my name. How are we going to solve this problem? Because we're going to have a million of these over the course of our marriage. You know what I'm saying?
- [16:04]
Glenn
I think so.
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James
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
I feel like I just hit you.
- [16:10]
James
Well, I.
- [16:12]
Glenn
It's going to be a lot of thought to try and recalibrate from the. Beating it into the ground until it's worked out versus trying to speak her language is.
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Dr. John DeLoney
But. But do you see how you're. Both of those solutions are within you?
- [16:33]
Glenn
Yeah, absolutely.
- [16:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. What do you do for a living?
- [16:39]
Glenn
I. I fix printers.
- [16:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Why'd you say it like that?
- [16:45]
Glenn
Well, I was thinking about giving you a similar but fake job.
- [16:48]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, okay. Gotcha. I thought you were.
- [16:50]
James
Like, you're not.
- [16:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Don't apologize. Like, dude, they'll take my job if AI will take my job before your job. Right. You're. You got some Runway on your job.
- [16:57]
Glenn
Yeah.
- [16:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's rad, dude. But say that you are a repairman with your head held high. The world needs you. Okay.
- [17:09]
Glenn
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Cool. And if your job is. I'm going to stay at this printer until I solve this problem. Just know that often the things that make us good at our job are the exact same things that really cause rifts in our relationships. Her skills as a. As an emerging lawyer are going to make her really hard to argue with sometimes.
- [17:36]
Glenn
I already know.
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Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I know. And your commitment to I will solve this problem before I take my gear and go home will also cause problems.
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Michelle
Yeah.
- [17:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right. And so it's like, I'm so good at this skill set over here, and I look at problems this way over here. She's not a problem. We together have a problem. And the problem is, what's that baby's name going to be? And I want it to be this.
- [18:03]
Glenn
Yeah.
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Dr. John DeLoney
And that. That birth's coming. We need to have. We have. We need to have an answer really quick. Pretty Soon. So a few months left, bro. You are gonna sneeze, and those months are gonna be here. So it comes quick, man, and you're in for the ride of a lifetime. I, I, I'm jealous of you because I missed those months with being so anxious and being so busy and yada. And so I'm jealous of you. I wouldn't go back, but I'm jealous that you're in that excitement. What are we gonna do? How's this all gonna play? I get all. That's awesome, awesome, awesome, awesome. And. And by the way, do some. I hesitate to say this, dude. I do my own research, but do look into the ID versus the birth certificate versus getting married. I've got some very liberal friends, and I got some very conservative friends. You're the first person I'm hearing that they're trying to take away a woman's right to vote. But you know what? They just might be. And that's wild to me and insane, but who knows anymore? But do some digging into that. And that way, we're not making big decisions based on rumors, on social media, on conspiracy theories. We're making informed decisions based on data, on truth, wherever it still remains. Thanks for the call, my brother. I'm grateful for you. We'll be right back. All right.
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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Dr. John DeLoney
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- [22:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
Squad to Los Angeles, California and talk to. Well, well, well, my. Michelle. What's up? Michelle?
- [22:25]
Michelle
Hi. Hi, Dr. John.
- [22:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
How's it going?
- [22:29]
Michelle
Thanks for taking my call and thanks for what you do.
- [22:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, thank you for calling. I'm, I'm really grateful you're here. What's up?
- [22:36]
Michelle
Oh, so I've been married to my husband for over 20 years and my husband is very close to his brother.
- [22:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [22:47]
Michelle
And his brother is currently facing serious health issues and he's needing kidney transplant. Transplant really soon. And so the thing happened was my husband and his brother decided to be potential kidney, you know, doing donation between then without confirming myself or family. And I understand his respect and, you know, the willingness to His. To help his brother. However, I was. I'm very upset about how this decision has been handled.
- [23:38]
Dr. John DeLoney
Because you were left out of it.
- [23:41]
Michelle
Correct. And I felt. So I just. I just got emotionally disconnected right away. When he told me and I expressed my conf. My husband's response was his relationship to his brother is over 40 years, which is more than our marriage. It takes priority. I was. I was really. I don't know how to explain it, but I was really sad and hurt. My feeling.
- [24:22]
James
Yeah, yeah, that's.
- [24:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. He didn't say that in a good way.
- [24:29]
Michelle
Right.
- [24:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
If he had called into my show and him saying, I want to help my brother. In fact, I've decided I want to do this, and I, I. It's my body. I want to do with what I want with my body, and I need help communicating this to my wife. I would not have said, tell her your brother's more important. I would. Yeah. He didn't say that in a good way. Do you believe in your guts? You've been with him for two decades. Do you believe that he believes that, or do you believe he said that? He didn't say that in a good way.
- [25:04]
Michelle
Is out of town right now for work.
- [25:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [25:08]
Michelle
And this conversation happened when he. I mean, when we are part.
- [25:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Was it via telephone or was it
- [25:16]
James
text message over the phone?
- [25:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [25:18]
Michelle
This happened over the phone.
- [25:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [25:21]
Michelle
And then after this conversation, we didn't talk to each other two weeks. Which happened two weeks ago. Exactly two weeks ago. And then I just wanted to make sure. Are you still feeling the same way, or is this. Was that a really true. You told me, like, your brother's priorities, and. No, I didn't mean that way, but I'm still struggling.
- [25:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure, sure, sure.
- [25:55]
Michelle
Yes.
- [25:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
So before I dig in here, I don't want to be presumptuous. Okay. Tell me what your husband's ethnic and cultural heritage is.
- [26:11]
Michelle
Like, how he grew up.
- [26:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Well, no, you don't.
- [26:14]
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- [26:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
Don't have to answer that. I just want to. Different cultures have different.
- [26:19]
Michelle
Right. Right.
- [26:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
Relationships, like the. The weight of the relationship has different meanings. Right. So a traditional white American listening to this might not understand my brother. Like, that's my dumb brother. Whereas folks from other cultures like, no, no, my brother is an extension of me. Right. And so is there a cultural aspect to this that is. Would. Would be different than. Than what I might consider my relationship with my little brother?
- [26:49]
Michelle
I think I'm leaving it coming from their childhood. So they grew up really harsh Childhood.
- [26:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [26:59]
Michelle
Being abused by multiple stepdads.
- [27:04]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [27:06]
Michelle
So, like, they survived together, that kind of bond.
- [27:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. So in many ways they are. They're one.
- [27:15]
Michelle
Right.
- [27:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Okay. And so that's super helpful for me. So here's, here's, here's. Here's. What I want to do, if it's okay, is I want to untangle this a little bit.
- [27:29]
Michelle
Okay.
- [27:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Because I don't want to put words in your mouth, so stop me at any time I'm wrong. Okay.
- [27:35]
Michelle
Okay.
- [27:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
But there's issue number one, which is. I love my husband with all I've got, and this scares me that he's going to undergo this surgery. I'm worried about the man that I love. His health, his well being, how he's going to. If he's going to be okay. That's number one.
- [27:55]
Michelle
Yes.
- [27:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
Number two issue is you made a decision that is going to impact our entire family, and you didn't even. You didn't even bother to talk to me. That's number two. Number three is in an emotional exchange via the telephone, he said something in a pretty stupid way that really was like a knife to your chest.
- [28:25]
Michelle
Mostly one and two.
- [28:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Mostly one and two. Okay.
- [28:29]
Michelle
One and two. Okay. I know how he is. I mean, we've been together for over 20 years. You know, there's no perfect relationships always, you know, go back together.
- [28:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
The fact that he said. He. He said something, like, really hurtful. He said something dumb.
- [28:49]
Michelle
Yeah.
- [28:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
When you talk. When you called him out on it, he was like, no, no, that's not what I meant. I didn't mean it like that. But you believe him when he said I was. I spoke out of frustration or anger or exhaustion or whatever. That's not what I mean. And you believe him when he says that, right?
- [29:04]
Michelle
I did that time.
- [29:05]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Okay.
- [29:05]
Michelle
And it's been on my. In my head for.
- [29:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Okay.
- [29:10]
Michelle
Quite a while.
- [29:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
So let's deal with the health part. Okay. The health part. Is my husband gonna be okay? I think you're right to be worried and concerned. I would think something was weird if you. If you weren't.
- [29:26]
James
Okay, Right.
- [29:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, so that concern and worry, that's very super real. And my guess is you married him because he's the kind of guy that if you're on his inner. In his inner circle, he'll give up an organ for you.
- [29:43]
Michelle
I believe so.
- [29:45]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, that's one of the things you love about him. Right. That he is ride or die in the realest sense of the word. Right.
- [29:51]
Michelle
He. He's a Great guy, but, like, he's wonderful.
- [29:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. And so the second thing here is how do we navigate. It's your body, and you can do what you want. And, like, so let's say he called me on the phone and said, my wife is getting a hysterectomy. She's got a lot of pain, a lot of struggles, whatever, and she wants to make this decision. I would ultimately end with, it's her body, brother. And so.
- [30:19]
Michelle
Right on.
- [30:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
On the flip side, it's his body.
- [30:22]
Michelle
Right.
- [30:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
But do y' all have the kind of relationship where you can say, I would prefer you to not do this, and. But I'm going to be in full support and love you that you get what I'm saying? Like, I. I want to say what I need to say, and I want you to know I'm gonna. I'm gonna be right next to you with whatever you decide to do. And he can say, I want to do this with my body, and I also will love you. Even though you're scared and frustrated with me. You get what I'm saying? That's the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing here. And so you're right to be frustrated that you weren't consulted. Like, they even talked to you about it, didn't say, hey, I'm thinking about doing this. What do you think? I mean, I totally get that. Totally.
- [31:09]
Michelle
Yeah.
- [31:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
And I don't want to spend time fighting proxy wars.
- [31:15]
James
Right.
- [31:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, focusing on the kidney. The real thing is, hey, I love you with all I am, and I know you love me with all you are.
- [31:23]
James
Your.
- [31:24]
Dr. John DeLoney
Your unilateral decisions affect all of us, and I would. I. I need to be a part of those. At least the conversation part of it. You get what I'm saying?
- [31:33]
Michelle
Yes.
- [31:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Can you hear that?
- [31:36]
Michelle
Yes.
- [31:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [31:38]
Michelle
Yes, you exactly got it.
- [31:43]
Dr. John DeLoney
Tell me about what's going inside your heart and spirit right now.
- [31:49]
Michelle
I just felt so excluded. And then I talked to my grown children, our grown children about this too, and they're on my side. They believe that dad should talk to all of us. So what to expect or what might be possible or what come first, you know, post procedures.
- [32:20]
Dr. John DeLoney
Sure.
- [32:22]
Michelle
And he. I mean, they didn't talk to us. None of those.
- [32:27]
James
Yeah.
- [32:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so.
- [32:28]
Michelle
And I. Yeah. I just did a Google everything.
- [32:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah. Okay. So don't do that. Don't do that. Right. Here's. Here's an avenue back together because. Because I. I want to be compassionate to his side, which is this. When he heard from his brother. His. His brother that has literally been Arms locked with him through multiple layers of hell.
- [32:56]
Michelle
Right, Right, right, right.
- [32:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
And when he heard his brother needs a kidney, that wasn't a thing he needed to think about.
- [33:07]
Michelle
Right?
- [33:08]
James
Right.
- [33:08]
Dr. John DeLoney
That was a decision. So I can see his, his thinking. I'm not asking anybody, I need to talk to anybody about this. This decision is made. But so I think for you being able to say, I know you love your brother. I know this is happening. The story I made up in my mind when you just announced this was happening without even letting. I didn't even know this was going on. The story I made up is you don't care about me. The story I made up is you don't care how this is going to impact all of us.
- [33:42]
Michelle
Right.
- [33:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that makes me feel small and sad and left out and I'm your wife.
- [33:47]
Michelle
Right? Exactly. That's how I felt.
- [33:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. So instead of saying you made me feel like this, because if you start pointing your finger and say, you made me, well, now you're saying you choose between that brother and me. And that's not really the issue here.
- [34:02]
Michelle
Right.
- [34:02]
Dr. John DeLoney
The issue here is I married you. I love you because you're that kind of guy and I'm your wife. I want to be a part of these conversations. I want to sit with you and I'll hold your hand. I want to call out things you might not be seeing because you're blinded by just pure, unadulterated loyalty. Right. Like I want to call some of this stuff out.
- [34:21]
Glenn
Right.
- [34:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
And you saying, I made these stories up, this is how I feel, gives him a chance to say, oh, honey, that's like, that's, I'm sorry, or I didn't mean to say it like that, or I, I, you're right, I should. Like, it gives him an opportunity to come in there. He doesn't have to just immediately defend himself. Right.
- [34:41]
Michelle
Okay.
- [34:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
And here's, here's the big thing I want you to take with away from this call, okay? I want you to use these words. Here's how you can really love me and the kids moving forward.
- [34:54]
Michelle
Okay.
- [34:55]
Dr. John DeLoney
You can talk to us about the medical procedure, the recovery, the risks, the complications, because we're all in this with you, okay. When you're in the hospital recovering, my heart's in there too.
- [35:11]
Glenn
Okay?
- [35:11]
James
Right.
- [35:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
And give him a path to re establishing trust with you and reestablishing trust and doing what he can in a scary situation to. At least we're going to go through the facts of what is going to happen and what potentially might happen.
- [35:28]
Glenn
Okay?
- [35:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Does that sound good?
- [35:32]
Michelle
Yes, sir.
- [35:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Based on what you're telling me, he sounds like the kind of man who's going to want to really love his wife. Well, is that fair?
- [35:41]
Michelle
He's wonderful.
- [35:42]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay. Okay.
- [35:44]
Glenn
Okay.
- [35:44]
Dr. John DeLoney
And when this is all over and you are hugging and you're probably have tears coming, maybe him, too, I want you to step back and look at him and put your forehead on his forehead and tell him, if you ever tell me your brother's more important than me, you better watch out. Okay. I want you to, like, like, let him know, hey, that was mean. And he'll say again, I'm sorry.
- [36:09]
Michelle
Right, Yeah, I mean, I understand. Like, I mean, their bond is, like, unbreakable. Like when we have our family gathering together, like, you can't get in. Yeah. They just go back to their childhood together right away.
- [36:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah.
- [36:29]
Glenn
Yeah.
- [36:29]
Michelle
So I respect it. I let them. But this time was not acceptable.
- [36:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
Got it. And, yeah. Let me. Let me paint a weird picture for you, okay? When you get married to somebody, y' all are creating an exclusive club that only has two members.
- [36:50]
Michelle
Right?
- [36:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
And he has another exclusive club with his brother.
- [36:55]
Michelle
Yes, right. Exactly. And.
- [36:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
And that's. Okay. That's. That's.
- [36:58]
Michelle
That's.
- [36:59]
James
Yes.
- [36:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
But when he married you, he chose to step out of that club and create one with you.
- [37:09]
Michelle
I believe that.
- [37:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [37:11]
Michelle
Yes.
- [37:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so he will always have that bond with his brother.
- [37:15]
Michelle
Yes.
- [37:15]
Dr. John DeLoney
But he chose you.
- [37:18]
Michelle
Right.
- [37:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so I want you to hear me say you're not crazy. And forcing him to choose, like. Well, you can't. You can't ever have those memories, and you can't have that. That connection with him. That's silly, because that's part of him.
- [37:29]
Michelle
Right? Right. Right.
- [37:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
But when he goes in to Brotherland and they go back and they start telling old stories and bonding, he can still hold your hand.
- [37:44]
Michelle
Right?
- [37:45]
Glenn
Right.
- [37:46]
Michelle
Right.
- [37:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
Or when you see him heading down that path again, you can grab his hand.
- [37:53]
Michelle
Okay.
- [37:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
And sometimes a great, great wife sees their husband heading down dark memories, dark paths, and just a hand on the back of their neck, just a hand on the inside of their arm. Just a hand grabbing their hand keeps them rooted in the present. Keeps them alive and well and whole today. You get what I'm saying?
- [38:13]
Michelle
Yes, sir.
- [38:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Awesome. Thank you for sharing that. We'll be. We'll be thinking about you guys. When's the surgery?
- [38:22]
Michelle
Not. It's not a scheduled yet.
- [38:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [38:26]
Michelle
Yes.
- [38:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [38:27]
Michelle
But, yeah, so let's get as.
- [38:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
Let's get as much data and facts as we can moving forward.
- [38:34]
Glenn
And.
- [38:35]
Dr. John DeLoney
But Couch it under this. Here's how you can love me moving forward and I'm going to be right here by your side. I'm not going to make you choose. It's your body. If you choose to do this, just know I don't like it because I'm worried about the health of my husband. But I'm going to be right here. But the way you can love me is let's get every piece of information. I want to go to the doctor appointments with you. I want to hear the recovery schedules with you. I want to be in this with you. I am in this with you. And if y' all have this type of relationship with your kids, y' all are going to be in this thing with me too. So man, thank you so much for sharing that. I wish you guys the best. I wish your husband a recovery, a healthy recovery, wish his brother a healthy recovery and I wish I hope this helps you and your husband communicate at a deeper level when things like this and they will pop up again in the future. Appreciate the call when we come back. A man asks how to cope with feeling disconnected and distant from his wife.
- [39:32]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
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- [40:59]
Dr. John DeLoney
all right, let's go out to the playground in Philadelphia and talk to James. What's up, James?
- [41:05]
James
Dr. John, it's good to hear you.
- [41:07]
Dr. John DeLoney
You too, my brother. What's up?
- [41:09]
James
So, looking for some tough love on this one. So essentially my question is my wife is. Feels like she's trying to disconnect from our life. She's pouring a ton of herself into her work, into going to the gym, but it feels like when I come home with the kids after the day, she's either in her phone, scrolling social media or even more reading romance novels, which is, you know, great that she's reading, but even when she's with us, it feels like she's not really there with us. So, yeah, it feels like I'm doing a lot of this on my own and it's lonely and it's just tough.
- [41:48]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah, I hear this a lot, brother. So you're not crazy. No tough love for me on this one. This one just hurts. How long have you all been married?
- [42:00]
James
Almost eight years now.
- [42:01]
Dr. John DeLoney
Eight years? How, how old are your kids?
- [42:04]
James
Five and three.
- [42:05]
Dr. John DeLoney
Five and three. Are you watching them experience this too?
- [42:11]
James
I am, yeah. You know, one of the tough parts of this is, you know, when she is head down in her phone, seeing the kids, you know, look at her, ask her a question, and then she not hear it the first time and have to kind of either look to me or, you know, repeat it until. Until she hears them. And when, when she does respond, it's usually with a kind of an irritation. And again, I'm not trying to paint
- [42:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
her as like, bro, you're being honest. You're being honest. I'm hearing this story all over the country, man. I hate it for you. Yeah, I hate that you're three and five year old, have the fear part of their brain lit up that somehow they're not as beautiful or not as important as that shiny little metal box that she's staring at.
- [42:58]
James
Yeah, I hate that I'm. I'm guilty of it too. I do it more often than I should, but.
- [43:04]
Dr. John DeLoney
So, yeah, it's how, how she responds. Have you brought this up to her? Have you all gone out for dinner and talked about it? Like, how she, how she responded?
- [43:13]
James
I've tried to talk to her about it in the past and usually what she says is, you know, it. She's. She doesn't think it's really that bad of a habit because, you know, she, she's. To her, she's reading a book in front of the kids. And, you know, I've told her, like, the kids can't tell the Difference, I can't tell the difference across the couch, you know. But yeah, she doesn't see it the same way as like, as if she's not there or if she's not spending time with us, she feels it more as she's with us. She's just not doing the things that the kids are doing. Again, this is usually during like after work time. The kids are trying to eat dinner in front of the TV and just trying to get to the end of the night sometimes.
- [43:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
Yeah,
- [43:59]
James
yeah. Another piece of it is I just, I'm not a very good communicator. You can tell when I talk that I take some pauses or I repeat myself and in that space a lot of the time she'll jump in and dominate that conversation. So when I try to have a hard conversation with her, she is much better with her words. She's a lawyer, so it feels very one sided. She comes up with a good point and I don't know how to respond right away. And then I just kind of shut down and I just go, yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah, I guess you're kind of right. And we just kind of go from there.
- [44:33]
Dr. John DeLoney
Ah, man. A couple of things are going through my head. Okay. Thing number one. Like you, like your, like your, your fear. She is uncoupling from this relationship. She doesn't like the life that she has co created with you, with her kids, with herself.
- [44:50]
James
Yeah.
- [44:51]
Dr. John DeLoney
So she's out of it as much as possible with work, going to the gym, and then when she's even home, she's found like a little cocoon she hides in inside of her own life. Right. Maybe that's it. Maybe she's seeing somebody else. Maybe she is unwinding internally and doesn't know what to do with it. And instead of drinking a bottle of wine, she scrolls her life away. It's, it's, it's, it's different chemically of course, but it is the same. I am going to be here in body, but not here in mind or spirit.
- [45:28]
Glenn
Right.
- [45:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
All of these things. The challenge for you is the only thing you can control is you. And so my questions for you are, what do you need to do to show up in your marriage as the guy you want to be?
- [45:54]
James
Yeah, it's a good question because it
- [45:56]
Dr. John DeLoney
sounds like you feel trapped in a cycle of responding to her absence, to her disconnection. You're constantly on defense. What does it look like in the driver's seat of your life? What must I do to be a guy who's present with these beautiful 5 and 3 year old. What must be true for me to be a guy who's full of joy inside my own skin, inside my own house. Even when I have somebody who's actively pulling away. That doesn't mean happy.
- [46:26]
Glenn
Right?
- [46:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
You get what I'm saying?
- [46:28]
James
Absolutely.
- [46:29]
Michelle
Yeah.
- [46:29]
James
And I definitely have my own work to do there. I've got my own, my own issues that I'm in therapy for. But yeah, it's, I, I, I guess real quick on my piece, I didn't have a good, a good father figure specifically, but a good parenting system as far as an ideal to shoot for, for connecting with kids. So this is, this is all brand new to me.
- [46:53]
Dr. John DeLoney
Awesome. I'll give you, I'm going to give you a hack. You ready for the hack?
- [46:56]
James
Yeah. Hit me.
- [46:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
Time and attention. Laser focused attention.
- [47:02]
James
Yeah.
- [47:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
So if you don't know what to do as a dad, you look at your 5 and 3 year old and say, come outside in the yard with me and you all spray each other with a hose and they'll tell that story at your funeral. We way, way over complicated. Way over complicated. I'm gonna pick up a bag of three dollar water balloons on the way home from Walgreens on the way home from work and me and my 5 and 3 year old are gonna throw them at each other.
- [47:30]
Glenn
Right.
- [47:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like, like time and attention. Do you see me? Do you know me and do you like me? And so I don't want you feeling like I don't know what to do. And then I should be doing this. I should be Time and attention man. Digging a hole in the backyard, burying like you name it, kids will do it with you.
- [47:56]
James
How do I respond if we, if I try to do these things with the kids? Just try to go have some, some fun silly time. And she's either you know, not with us or you know, just still kind of disengaged. It feels, it feels more decoupling to, to go like build our own little like three person family and her not be there.
- [48:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
You already have that.
- [48:18]
James
I know that, I know I was going to say I know it's like realistically what's happening, but it feels almost worse to have it physically happen.
- [48:24]
Dr. John DeLoney
It might, you might, you, you as the, as, as her husband might feel it more acutely, but it's already happening. And right now you're the casualty. But those kids are the casualty.
- [48:41]
James
Yeah.
- [48:41]
Dr. John DeLoney
And you, you will feel a more of a sense of ownership of what do I want? Because that's the next question after you start Implementing things in your life. And here's what I mean. You get home from work and your phone goes in a drawer. And I'm going to spend 30 minutes, 45 minutes, an hour, laser with these two kids. And by the way, nobody tells you this. It will be mind numbingly boring sometimes.
- [49:13]
James
Absolutely. Yeah. I've experienced like catastrophically boring.
- [49:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
Like I want to set myself on fire just to see if I still feel something boring. Right?
- [49:23]
James
Yep.
- [49:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
And when you're playing some version of Wolf, Dragon, My Little Pony, whatever, whatever they're thinking, right, or we're just coloring together outside or whatever, it's not going to be action packed. But what you'll find over time is it gives you life from the inside out, not the outside in. And we're all so over stimulated all the time that we're going for outside stimulation all the time. This thing will make you full and whole from the inside out in one year, in four years, in seven years. Right. So that's, that's number one. Who are you going to be in the second? Answer. The question that you're gonna have to start to answer is what do you want and what is your line?
- [50:09]
James
Yeah. And yeah, I don't know the answer to that right now.
- [50:13]
Dr. John DeLoney
I think you do. And I think that answer scares you.
- [50:18]
James
All of it is scary, for sure. I think I'm willing to put up with a lot more than, than I would. The kids. Yeah. I don't.
- [50:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Why.
- [50:34]
James
I love them more than I love myself, I guess.
- [50:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, no, I get that. Fair, fair. But if you think of it, my buddy Will Guidera taught me this. Like, if you are a waiter in a restaurant and you're always walking around refilling all the water glasses and you never go back into the kitchen and refill your pitcher, eventually you're gonna have nothing to put into your customer's glasses. You're gonna be out of water. And so if you don't love yourself, if you don't think you're worth being loved, if you don't think you're worth more than just staring at your phone and being frustrated that your wife isn't, Isn't. Is disconnecting, then you're not gonna have anything to give your kids. It's gonna be shallow. If you think that's what I feel
- [51:27]
James
like I'm doing right now, I'm a
- [51:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
guy worth playing with for an hour. Let's go outside, kids. Wait till I. You see what I came up with now you know what we're gonna do? We're gonna throw mulch in the air and they're gonna go, ah, right. Like if you don't think you're worth spending time with, your kids will feel that.
- [51:47]
James
Yeah, that's fair.
- [51:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
And so I want you to have a regular practice of. I'm gonna go refill my water pitcher. And the, the, the biggest challenge I think right now, right this second for most American families is they think that I'm refilling my picture when I just take, when I just scroll for a while and it's not. You're actually smashing that picture.
- [52:13]
Glenn
It.
- [52:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Scrolling is not benign. It is, it's, it's a constant drain. Right. It's like drilling holes in the bottom of your picture. It's not refilling it.
- [52:25]
James
And so that makes sense.
- [52:27]
Dr. John DeLoney
What you like you deciding what I want to do is here's, here's the. I'm not going to wait around for her to become the spouse. I want her to be the mother, I want her to be the parent I want her to be. I'm going to be the spouse that I want to be. So if, if she is cheating on me, if she is pulling away, if she is planning on leaving me, et cetera, I want to be able to look in the mirror and say I gave everything I had to this thing. And that started with me making sure I was whole and well and good. I was, I was strong enough for her to even anchor to in the first place. And number two, I can look her dead in the eye. I can look her lawyer dead in the eye. I can look myself dead in the eye and say I loved with all I had. Right? And I'm not going to wait for you to be the parent that these kids need. I'm going to become the best version of myself for them that I possibly can be. And when you're out in the yard, when you're on a walk, when you are having a picnic or whatever you're doing with your five and three year old and your wife won't come because she's laying on the couch reading a romance novel. That's going to hurt like bloody hell, dude. Yeah, but it's going to expose what already exists inside your house. But are you giving her a path? Clear as kind, right? You working through what do I want, who do I want to be? And you giving her a path, hey, let me read this thing out to you. I miss you. I feel I, I am experienced. The story I'm making up in my head is that you're pulling away from us, that you don't want to be here. You don't like the life we've created together. We get to create whatever life we want so we can create something different and something awesome. The story I'm making up is you don't like our kids, you don't like me, and all that makes me feel sad. So here's what I'm gonna do. I would love it if you joined us. And she might look at you and say, I'm not doing any of that
- [54:24]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
stuff, but at least I'm scared of.
- [54:28]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay, but look, man, that's going to happen. It might happen five years from now, two years from now, or it might happen tomorrow if you have this conversation. And so let's say she does walk out the door. I hate to say this in. In this crass of a way, but you've just saved yourself five years of slowly suffocating.
- [54:52]
James
You.
- [54:52]
Dr. John DeLoney
Not addressing this elephant in the room, both the one inside of your chest and the one inside your marriage isn't going to make it go away. It'll just keep eating and getting bigger and bigger and bigger right there in your living room. Have you asked her the question recently? Do you. Do you still like me?
- [55:14]
James
I haven't. I'd say about maybe two or three months ago, we had a fairly serious conversation where she told me that she doesn't like the way that I love her. And so, you know, I kind of asked her, you know, what. What does that mean? How can I love you? The way that that makes sense to you? And she kept pointing back to, like, the pursuant nature of the guys in these romance novels. And it's like, I get. I think what she. What she's trying to get from that is that, you know, we met in college, and she was the thing that I was chasing in college, but that was before I had pets and kids and a job and bills. Like, she was the thing that I. That I could focus all of my attention on.
- [55:55]
Michelle
All right?
- [55:56]
James
I can't do that anymore. I can't love her that way in 2026.
- [56:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
Now it's time for tough love, homie. She should be your singular. Focus then.
- [56:08]
James
Okay?
- [56:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
Singular.
- [56:13]
Glenn
Okay.
- [56:14]
Dr. John DeLoney
Wake up in the day. How can I love this woman? The first best way I can love this woman, number one, is to make sure I'm okay. Make sure I got my picture completely full. And you looking at her and saying, how can I love you today? Oh, shut up. Leave me alone. I'm late to work. But how can I love you today? Because it's coming, baby.
- [56:39]
James
I think what keeps me from doing that is the. The fear of. Of the rejection from her of just saying, I don't know. I'm tired. Like, I don't want to talk about it. We can. I don't know.
- [56:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
Okay.
- [56:50]
James
That's what I get a lot when I ask her what she needs, she goes, I don't know, cool. Like, dismissively. And it's like, I don't know what to do with that.
- [56:57]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, then. Cool. Then when you get home tonight, I want us to put our phones in the drawer, and I. I've already made reservations. You and I are going out. I'll send you all of the questions for humans cards for couples. Okay.
- [57:11]
James
Thank you.
- [57:12]
Dr. John DeLoney
We're going to go out. We don't even know what to talk about. We're going to. We have to rebuild our marriage. We have a whole new marriage. You made partner.
- [57:17]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
We have two kids.
- [57:18]
Dr. John DeLoney
We have a different life now. And I'm still going to spend every moment pursuing you. And if she feels like. And this now I'm like, turn the tables. If she feels like, oh, now I'm sixth place behind the dog, the pets and the kids, and his job and his bill and our. Our bills, then, yeah, dude, she's gonna go find fantasy somewhere. I'm not saying that's right. I would tell her to close the stupid book that's every bit pornography. Is. Is visual pornography just packaged differently. Right? But it's. It's fantasy.
- [57:53]
James
That's. That's fair, though. She is right that I haven't made her the focus that she needs to be. Okay.
- [57:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
If you lead with that, brother, that. That's a key that might just open her heart up. If the letter you write and read to her, if you tell her, hey, without meaning to, you were my number one for years. And without meaning to, I've let the world get in between us. Work, pets, kids, worries about the house. That ends today. You're now my new number one. And I've got some tools in my toolkit, and they're all coming your way. If you can give me a path to how I can love you, I would love it. Otherwise, I'm bringing it. And here's what I want that to look like. No phones in the house or phones after the kids go to bed. I want us to put sex on the calendar three nights a week. I miss you. I want us to have one date night a week. I want you to skip one morning workout a week and go to breakfast with me before I go to work, like, and I'm just making stuff up. I'm spitballing here off top of my head. But you get to make up and decide what happens next. And then she can look at you and say, I'm not doing that. I'm not doing that. But if you say some big amorphous thing and she says, I don't know. Cool. I'm going to give you a list of nine things. Ten things. But you're my new number one. You're my number one again, and it will never happen again. And my close number two is my kids. Then I'll worry about this other stuff. I'll sell the pets. I'll move to an apartment. I'll get a new job. Like, you are my number one, and these kids are my number two. So, yeah, game on, brother. My guess is y' all just got in a dance, man, and she's opted out. You've kind of opted out. And so somebody's got to say, I'm going all in. I hope you'll go all in, too. Hang on the line here. I'm gonna hook you up with those question for humans. And I'm gonna hook you up with the Together app as a for. You can use it in one player mode and you can offer it to her. I would love it if you would do one thing a day, too. And maybe she will, maybe she won't. But it will help. If you do it one player mode, it'll help you become the guy you want to be inside your own marriage. And if she comes along, maybe in two weeks. Three weeks. One month. Three months. Now we're talking. Now we're doing one thing a day to come back together. Yeah. Write all this stuff out, man. Take her out.
- [60:30]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
Read it.
- [60:32]
Dr. John DeLoney
Take a half day. Retreat together. Rebuild this thing. Your marriage is worth fighting for, my brother. Thanks for call.
- [60:40]
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- [61:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, we're back. All right, who still calls their dad? What do you call your dad? Good. On the, on the list. Dad. Okay. Yes.
- [62:10]
Kelly
Okay.
- [62:11]
Dr. John DeLoney
We call him Dode so that we don't say Daddy Dode. Great. Okay. Dad, like a normal person. All right, Kelly, what do you call him?
- [62:20]
Kelly
Well, my father's no longer with us, so.
- [62:22]
Dr. John DeLoney
Oh, gosh.
- [62:23]
Kelly
I'm gonna pull that out. Yeah.
- [62:25]
Dr. John DeLoney
Do you call him Father?
- [62:27]
Kelly
I don't call him anything.
- [62:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
But when he was still with us, what'd you call him?
- [62:32]
Kelly
Daddy. Like a good Southern girl.
- [62:37]
Dr. John DeLoney
How old were you? What's the last time you called him Daddy?
- [62:41]
Kelly
My father passed away the week after my 21st birthday.
- [62:46]
Dr. John DeLoney
So as a 21 year old? Yes.
- [62:50]
Kelly
Mom and Daddy. That's very Southern. Or Texan, I guess.
- [62:54]
Dr. John DeLoney
Very gross.
- [62:56]
Kelly
Now I can't say 100%.
- [62:58]
Dr. John DeLoney
Would you still call him Daddy?
- [62:59]
Kelly
I don't know. I really don't like. If we're talking about, like my sister and I are talking about him, it's Daddy.
- [63:05]
Dr. John DeLoney
No.
- [63:06]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
Really?
- [63:06]
Kelly
Yeah, because that's what we always called him, but that was normal.
- [63:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
I'm gonna make a public commitment. And my parents don't listen to this show. My Dad's in his mid-70s. The next time I go home and see them, I'm gonna start calling him Daddy. But see, I want to see how long it last.
- [63:19]
Glenn
Why?
- [63:19]
Dr. John DeLoney
Is it weird if a guy does?
- [63:20]
Kelly
No, I don't have a valid reason for.
- [63:22]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
You're the one that's always telling me
- [63:23]
Dr. John DeLoney
how equal we all are. You're the one always telling us we're all equal, John.
- [63:29]
Kelly
I never said that.
- [63:30]
Dr. John DeLoney
That's true. You haven't you think said I'm better than you? I was going to say you think you're superior. You know you're superior. I'm. I, I'm just going to start ripping. Hey, D. I. I can't even do it, like, without going be really weird. Like, without my gag reflex going, which
- [63:44]
Kelly
is probably the reason I can't stand the.
- [63:49]
Dr. John DeLoney
When grown women call their dad's daddy.
- [63:50]
Kelly
No, but, like, the idea of calling, like, your significant other or a male, that just, I mean, that makes me throw up in my mouth. And it's probably because I'm like, no, you don't. I can't stand that at all. And that's probably why there's some other
- [64:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
people on my team that call their dad's daddy. And they are married, they have kids, and I, I, I'm almost 52 years old. I can't. You know what, America? If you have a relationship with your father, call him whatever you want. I, I shout out, call him whatever you want.
- [64:28]
Kelly
I mean, I had a great relationship with my dad. I love my dad.
- [64:31]
Dr. John DeLoney
Say it the right way, Kelly.
- [64:33]
Kelly
No, now, but when I'm talking to other people about my dad, it's just dad. It would be only what I would call him. I wouldn't talk to other people about and say that. That would, that would sound weird to me. I don't, I don't know why. But, like, if I was talking to you, you know, talking to you about my dad, it would just be my dad.
- [64:47]
Dr. John DeLoney
It would be like.
- [64:48]
Kelly
And then my daddy said, I wouldn't do that.
- [64:50]
Dr. John DeLoney
No, that would be, why is it so weird?
- [64:53]
Kelly
I don't know. But it, but only if I was saying something to him, would I, would I use that but not talking to somebody else?
- [65:00]
Dr. John DeLoney
I don't know.
- [65:01]
Kelly
I don't have a valid reason for that.
- [65:03]
Dr. John DeLoney
You don't need one. You can call him whatever you want.
- [65:05]
Kelly
I, I'm fully aware of that. I wasn't asking any kind of permission.
- [65:09]
Dr. John DeLoney
All right, listen, Kelly K. Lynn Fletcher.
- [65:11]
Kelly
Oh, God. See, John just learned that my middle name is Kay Lynn.
- [65:17]
Dr. John DeLoney
Can you imagine this? Just imagine this, listeners. Kelly K. Lynn Fletcher. You can't even say that without the accent. It's like it's an accented long.
- [65:26]
Kelly
What's funny is my mother didn't have an accent because she's from California.
- [65:29]
Dr. John DeLoney
I know, but it came out when she said it.
- [65:30]
Kelly
Yeah, but, oh, when my dad did. There was an accident. Trust me.
- [65:34]
Dr. John DeLoney
When, when who?
- [65:35]
Kelly
When my dad said it.
- [65:36]
Dr. John DeLoney
When your daddy said it, my dad said it. I love you guys. Bye.