My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years

Summary

Podcast Summary: "My Wife Suddenly Wants a Divorce After 23 Years"

Podcast: The Dr. John Delony Show
Host: Ramsey Network
Release Date: March 10, 2025

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Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of The Dr. John Delony Show, host John Deloney engages with listeners to discuss real-life challenges related to relationships and mental health. The focal point of this episode revolves around Dave, a caller grappling with the sudden announcement from his wife to divorce after 23 years of marriage. Deloney offers compassionate guidance, addressing not only Dave's immediate distress but also providing actionable advice for navigating the complexities of a long-term marital breakdown.

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Dave's Story: A Sudden Fallout After 23 Years

The Announcement

[00:05] Dave initiates the conversation by revealing his distressing situation:

Dave: "I've been married for 23, almost 24 years. And my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce."

[00:16] Deloney responds with empathy:

John Deloney: "I'm sorry."

Understanding the Underlying Issues

As the discussion unfolds, Dave explains that his wife has been struggling with perimenopause, leading to prolonged unhappiness despite attempts to address the issue:
[02:16]

Dave: "She has been struggling with perimenopause. And I've been trying to do whatever I can, and we got her one of those tests, you know, and just. She's tried a few things, and she's just wildly unhappy in general."

[02:38]

Dave: "A couple years at least."

Deloney probes deeper to understand whether the divorce request was abrupt or a culmination of ongoing struggles:
[02:22]

John Deloney: "Is this a grenade pin that she pulled out of nowhere, or have y'all been struggling? Has she been struggling personally? What's the challenge?"

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The Emotional Turmoil and Family Impact

Emotional Strain

Dave shares the profound emotional impact of the impending divorce:
[05:31]

Dave: "She's my ride or die. This is... She's my best friend. We've been together my half my life. And so it does feel so out of the blue."

Deloney acknowledges Dave's pain and the internalization of blame:
[07:16]

John Deloney: "I'm sorry for the gaslighting that's been going on in your house for several years. You've been walking around thinking you're crazy."

Concern for the Children

Dave expresses concern for their four children and the potential fallout:
[12:05]

Dave: "Well, there's four of them, and there's two boys and there's two girls, and the youngest is at middle school. I feel like maybe we should talk to the big three first, because the little one's going to feed off of the other three. I don't know how to do that."

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Host's Guidance: Navigating Divorce and Preserving Dignity

Transitioning to a Business Transaction

Deloney introduces a strategic perspective:
[07:35]

John Deloney: "One of my rules of thumb is when somebody declares I'm divorcing you, the marriage as we knew it is over and we have now entered into a business transaction."

Practical Steps to Take

Deloney advises Dave to seek legal counsel and prepare financially:
[08:25]

John Deloney: "So I would get a lawyer and I would begin going through... all the stuff down on a piece of paper that's going to give me something to do with all of this energy, all this angst."

He emphasizes the importance of preserving dignity and avoiding emotional decisions:
[09:18]

John Deloney: "And that's what that's going to allow you to do. And this is going to sound weird, it's going to give you the peace to grieve."

Communication with Children

Deloney provides guidance on how to communicate the divorce to their children truthfully without speaking ill of the ex-spouse:
[11:28]

John Deloney: "You never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either. It is fair to look at your wife and say you will tell the boys you have chosen to end this marriage and leave, because that is the truth."

He advises using "I" statements to express feelings without casting blame:
[29:23]

John Deloney: "If you sit down and say, 'I've been keeping secrets from you, I miss you...', then she's going..."

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Additional Caller: Ryan's Struggle with Resentment

Ryan's Situation

Another caller, Ryan, reaches out with feelings of bitterness towards his wife's career choices and the strain it has placed on their marriage:
[22:05]

Ryan: "I feel like I'm looking for connections but I'm finding resentment towards my wife's career."

Deloney's Advice

Deloney helps Ryan navigate his emotions by encouraging honest communication and self-reflection:
[25:56]

John Deloney: "I miss my wife. I miss the life that we planned together. I miss her being present when I'm there."

He suggests writing down feelings and preparing for conversations to prevent emotional explosions:
[36:00]

John Deloney: "But I want you to mine your own feelings. Are you jealous of her success? Are you bored just stuck at home with a 13-year-old girl?"

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Success Story: Kelly's Transformation

Kelly's Progress

The episode features a heartwarming follow-up from Kelly, a listener who applied the show's advice:
[56:22]

Kelly: "I got honest with two people close to me about my financial mess. My life today is very different."

She credits the tools provided by the show for her positive changes, including securing a new job with a significant raise:
[57:11]

Kelly: "A former employer noticed a big difference in me and in May offered me a job with a $35,000 raise."

Deloney's Encouragement

Deloney celebrates Kelly's achievements and encourages listeners facing similar struggles to take proactive steps:
[58:02]

John Deloney: "If you're sitting out there wondering, when is the something going to happen to me? You be the something. Make the phone call."

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Closing Remarks

Deloney wraps up the episode with humor and light-hearted moments, reinforcing the importance of community and support systems in overcoming personal challenges.

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Notable Quotes

• Dave: "[00:05] I've been married for 23, almost 24 years. And my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce."

• John Deloney: "[07:35] When somebody declares I'm divorcing you, the marriage as we knew it is over and we have now entered into a business transaction."

• John Deloney: "[08:25] I would get a lawyer and I would begin going through... map them out with an attorney... to give you the peace to grieve."

• John Deloney: "[11:28] You never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either."

• John Deloney: "[29:23] If you sit down and say, 'I've been keeping secrets from you, I miss you...', then she's going..."

• Kelly: "[57:11] I have a morning routine. I regularly exercise. I'm living on a budget... offered me a job with a $35,000 raise."

---

Key Takeaways

1. Emotional Validation: Acknowledging and expressing feelings without self-blame is crucial during marital breakdowns.
2. Practical Preparation: Seeking legal advice and financial organization provides clarity and reduces chaos in divorces.
3. Honest Communication: Open and truthful conversations with children, using "I" statements, help maintain trust and mitigate emotional harm.
4. Self-Reflection: Understanding personal emotions, such as resentment or jealousy, aids in addressing underlying marital issues.
5. Community Support: Engaging with trusted individuals and seeking professional help fosters resilience and effective coping strategies.
6. Success is Possible: Leveraging support systems and actionable advice can lead to significant personal improvements and life changes.

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This episode serves as a compassionate guide for individuals facing marital challenges, emphasizing the importance of emotional honesty, practical planning, and support networks in navigating through difficult life transitions.

Transcript

[Dave]

I've been married for 23, almost 24 years. And my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce.

[John Deloney]

And I'm sorry.

[Dave]

Me, too.

[John Deloney]

What I'm gonna say next is not popular, and it's. It's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay? What in the world is going on in your life, in your head, in your chest, in your relationships? I'm John Deloney, and I'm the host of the Dr. John DeLoney Show. And I'm so grateful that you are with us, talking about your mental and emotional health, your marriages, your parenting, your kids, your schools, whatever you got going on in your life. Here's my promise. I'll sit with you. Sometimes we laugh, Sometimes we cry. Sometimes we just sit in silence for a second. But I'll sit with you. We will figure out what's the next right move for you, for your kids, for your marriage, whatever you got going on, if you want to be on the show. This is real, people, man. Man, this is as real as it gets going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to John DeLoney. D e l o n y. John DeLoney dot com. Ask a s k. All right, let's roll out to Arlington Heights, Illinois, and talk to brother Dave. Hey, Dave. What's up, man?

[Dave]

Hi, John. Thanks.

[John Deloney]

How's it going?

[Dave]

I'm trying. I'm a little nervous because this is a serious. I'm a little emotional. I've been married for 23, almost 24 years. And my wife told me just a few weeks ago that she's leaving me and she wants a divorce.

[John Deloney]

And I'm sorry.

[Dave]

Me, too. And she won't talk about it. She won't consider anything.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

She said there's no point, and that's it. And ever since then, it's been like waking up to a nightmare every day.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Is this a grenade pin that she pulled out of nowhere, or have y'all been struggling? Has she been struggling personally? What's the challenge?

[Dave]

It is a grenade, but she has been struggling, and she's been struggling with perimenopause.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Dave]

And I've been trying to do whatever I can, and we got her one of those tests, you know, and just. She's tried a few things, and she's just wildly unhappy in general.

[John Deloney]

She's been happy for a long time.

[Dave]

A couple years at least.

[John Deloney]

All right. You'll have kids.

[Dave]

Four.

[John Deloney]

Okay. She just tired with her lot in life.

[Dave]

That's what it seems like. Okay, but. But now it seems like it's just me.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

You know, like it's all. It's all pointed at me.

[John Deloney]

Well, let me say this. You're the. You're the punching bag here, okay? And you're. You're. You're going to be responsible for the bomb blast, right? You got four kids whose lives about to get blown up. Right. But also, you know as well as I do, intellectually, it doesn't. Doesn't matter because that pain is in your chest. But you know, this isn't all on you, right?

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You know that. And that doesn't. I want you to hear that a year from now, when you're coming out of the fog. That's not gonna help. Right now. Right now, it just sucks. And I'll sit with you, man. I'm sorry.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

So, a not uncommon thing. So I'm not trying to offer a glimmer, hope. I'm just trying to speak as honest I can and get. Get a fuller picture of what you're experiencing. Sometimes when somebody is struggling with life change, with. This is. Oh, my gosh, this is. This is going to be my life. I'm sick of being a mom of four kids. I'm sick of being a dad who works. Like, all that. And then you try medical interventions, then you try going into counseling. Sometimes just trying on the words, I want to divorce is almost like. Like. Kind of like a fantasy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So since she said that, has there been any sort of meeting with attorneys, paperwork? Have you been served papers? Or has it just been like the. Like, I hear this. I don't say common, but more than I've ever heard the last few years. Just this announcement, I don't want to be married to you anymore. But then life just keeps going the same way it has been.

[Dave]

Yeah, she's moving swiftly. I mean, there's been no serving of papers because I told her we got to work it out and figure out how we're gonna do this. We haven't told the kids yet, but she's looking at mortgages and townhouses and she's bopping around, like. And I asked her about it yesterday, and she said that, you know, what I don't see is that she's upset and she's, you know, whatever, but she seems to be moving forward. And we were supposed to take a trip at the end of the month, her and her father and I, which is something we do. And. And I'm not going with. She you know, she's moving. She's moving forward.

[John Deloney]

Well, just know in her mind, this has probably been stewing for several years for you. It's a shock for her because sometimes you think that when she said it, she just thought of it. And y'all are both dealing with this. She's been. This. This may have been a release, like a relief. She'd been dealing with us for a long time.

[Dave]

Well, and I've. I've spoken to her over the years because I feel alone. You know, I. She avoids me.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

And. And she'll go to bed at 8:00 and. And go upstairs. I'm going to bed. But then she'll go and watch TV or. Or what. Or. Or, you know, playing her phone or whatever it is, just not. I've asked her. Right. Just to get. I mean, she avoids me to the point where the kids even say something, and it's been happening for a while where I'll go to hug her, just. Just to hug for a minute. Not just to love her, just to connect. And it'll always be like, oh, you're hugging me too tight, or, you know, I'm doing something, or whatever it is. And we've had those conversations, and every time we've had those, she's dismissed. I said, we got to figure out how to work on moving forward together and being a couple. The kids are grown up. Or we got to figure out how, you know, if you don't want to be with me, just tell me. And she always is adamant. No, no, this is it.

[John Deloney]

We're in.

[Dave]

I mean, she's my ride or die. This is. She's my best friend. We've been together my half my life. And so it does feel so out of the blue, like she. Because even just six months ago, she didn't. She dismissed that concept out of hand.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

But now, boom, right after Christmas, she just said, that's it, and pulled the. Pulled the pen and I don't. I don't know what to do. I don't. I don't know how to behave in the house.

[John Deloney]

You just exhale for a second. I'm sorry, man.

[Dave]

Me too.

[John Deloney]

I'm sorry, dude. I'm sorry for you. I'm sorry for the gaslighting that's been going on in your house for several years. You've been walking around thinking you're crazy.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I'm sorry for your kids. They've been watching a married couple, and they think this is what love looks like. I'm sorry for all of them. Man, I'm sorry. What I'm going to say next is not popular and it's, it's just real as I can possibly be. Is that okay?

[Dave]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

One of my rules of thumb is when somebody declares I'm divorcing you, the marriage as we knew it is over and we have now entered into a business transaction.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And one thing you need to hold on to is my quote unquote best friend. She hasn't been your best friend for a long time. Because best friends tell each other the truth.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

You know what I mean? Best friends don't let each other starve to death of oxygen and connection and love.

[Ryan]

You're right.

[John Deloney]

So you've entered into a business transaction. And so what I would do if I were you is I would get an attorney and I would begin going through, I don't know what kind of financial situation you're in. I would get assets, debt, whatever we got, and I would map them out with an attorney and all you're waiting on is her pieces of paper. And here's what that will give you. Number one, this gets real, real very fast.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And the reality of if you're a dual income family, how can I pay the bills? How do I. I got four kids. We got kids in college. I don't know how old your kids are, but coats, you know, you got all kind of stuff. This is just, I mean, and this is where the fantasy sometimes blows because like people have this fantasy in their head. Like it's kind of like when an 18 year old's like, I'm moving out. Okay.

[Leah]

Right.

[John Deloney]

And then they come back, they're like, dude, I didn't know cell phone bills were so expensive. And car insurance, that kind of stuff.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so I would get a lawyer and not somebody to go to war with. And I'm going to keep my dignity and my peace. And of course I'm not going to ever bargain with my kids. But I'm going to put all that stuff down on a piece of paper that's going to give me something to do with all of this energy, all this angst. And what that's going to allow you to do. And this is going to sound weird, it's going to give you the peace to grieve. And that way you don't get yourself caught flat footed, you don't get a crazy settlement offer, you don't get some weird thing and then you're just pissed off and you're heartbroken and you're sad and you just sign something and Then it's all off. One of the questions I get all the time is, how do I save my marriage? I want to tell you. You didn't. You. You're not the one that ended it. And it sounds like you've been carrying more than your fair share of the squat rack for the squat. The squat bar for a long time.

[Dave]

I just feel like I could fix it or I could do more or I could work harder or I could. I don't know.

[John Deloney]

Is any of that true?

[Dave]

It hasn't been. It clearly isn't.

[John Deloney]

Now, have you been a bad husband, Dave?

[Dave]

I don't think so.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[Dave]

I don't think she thinks so. Really, deep down. Okay.

[John Deloney]

You have any. Do you have any guy buddies you can go sit somewhere and you can just be honest with?

[Dave]

Yeah, I've been. I've been engaging everybody I can for support.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. But not blowing people up and texting all these crazy, long texts. Do you have people you've gone to SAT with?

[Dave]

Yeah, I do.

[John Deloney]

Okay, good. Will you make that a regular practice?

[Dave]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

All right. And here's an unpopular other thing. Okay. I am of the belief that you never talk bad about the other spouse, but you don't lie to your kids either.

[Dave]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

So when y'all sit down to craft this story.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

It is fair to look at your wife and say you will tell the boys you have chosen to end this marriage and leave, because that is the truth. I will not participate in anything that's. That's not honest in that way. I'm not going to say you're a.

[Leah]

Terrible person and your mom's evil and.

[John Deloney]

She ran out on us. But you will do. You will do the storytelling, and I will fact check you as we go.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And you will tell the boys that you have left. You're leaving us because you don't want us in your life anymore.

[Dave]

Can I ask you another question? Yes.

[John Deloney]

Yes. Anything you got, man. Yeah.

[Dave]

Well, there's four of them, and there's two boys and there's two girls, and the. The youngest is at middle school.

[John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Dave]

I feel like maybe we should talk to the big three first, because the little one's going to feed off of the other three. I don't know how to do that. I don't. I can't even imagine.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. It's a nightmare. It's a nightmare.

[Ryan]

It is.

[John Deloney]

And some of this is when you sit down with a lawyer, what they'll do is they'll walk you through a series of questions, and it might be. I'm not I'm not going on in my life without my kid. So if you're going to. If you think you're going to just take the kid with you or split custody. 50. 50. And I'm just going to sign off on that. I'm going to fight you to the end of the moon. Or it may be this is your daughter and you feel over your head and her and your wife have a good relationship, whatever. So I think it's getting some of those questions answered in your own mind before you sit down and see what kind of paperwork her attorney sends you. But the other side of that, your daughter's going to feed off you.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And your daughter's going to feed off mom. There will be some backdraft from kids, other kids in the. In the family and all that, but that's the reality. I do like your plan, though. I would start in with oldest. How old are your kids?

[Dave]

22. 20 and 18. And then we got a middle schooler.

[John Deloney]

Do they. They live by each other. Is this a way you could take the. The oldest two and sit down and over coffee with them?

[Dave]

I mean, we agreed that we were going to tell them together. I don't. I feel like I don't. I don't know if I should do that. Should I tell them myself? It's killing me not to tell them. I was in the hospital last week. I had a heart thing. Yeah, I had a SVT. My heart rate went to 254. And they had to do this thing where they flipped me over and got it down to normal.

[John Deloney]

Listen, Dave, your body is being torn in two. It's going to do all kind of wild things. You're not broken, you're just being ripped apart. And I tell you that to tell you when your body does wild things. Just imagine a leaf on a river. Go with it. Don't try to start swimming, dude, because you're not more powerful than the river. And the. The. The more you go with it, the smoother sailing down that. Those rapids you're going to be. I am thinking through in real time if my wife walked in and said, I'm leaving you, I'm moving out. I'm getting my own place. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I would probably want to tell my kids on my own.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[Leah]

I don't know if that's the right.

[John Deloney]

Move or not, but I'm thinking through your situation and I probably would. The only reason I wouldn't is if I wanted to make sure the story was told. Accurately and correctly with me at the table.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And so if you think your wife is trustworthy enough to. Not trustworthy enough to blow your life apart and her life apart, but in the life a part of her kids. But she is trustworthy enough to tell the truth. No, I'm leaving your father. I don't love him anymore. I'm leaving. If you trust her to do that, then so be it. I'll leave that to you. But I would probably call back. And here's the thing. Kind of like a business transaction, you know when, like, let's say a. Your supervisor were to come in and be like, hey, we gotta talk about your job. And this, like, you're gonna have to start working later. We're lay you off and you say something like, yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Whatever we need to do. Right. You get in that moment and it's so surreal, and you kind of panic and you're kind of like, yeah, yeah, I just want to keep this job.

[Dave]

Right.

[John Deloney]

That's where stepping back and understanding, oh, we're in transaction phase now. So everything from this point forward is negotiated out.

[Leah]

Sounds surreal.

[John Deloney]

This is your freaking wife of a quarter century.

[Leah]

You don't negotiate stuff.

[John Deloney]

You all build lives together, and this is where you're at. She said, great point.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So when you say, yeah, yeah, we'll tell the kids together. Well, now, I've had a minute to think about it, and no, I'm telling them on my own. You're blowing our life up. I'm going to sit down and walk our kids through it. And you can tell her, I will.

[Leah]

Never speak ill of you, but I.

[John Deloney]

Will tell the truth.

[Dave]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I don't want you to lose your character, your dignity in this. In this. In this season.

[Dave]

Same.

[John Deloney]

Right. So if you. If you're a guy that doesn't talk bad about women, you don't talk about. About your wife, stay the course. Even though she's hurting you in profound ways.

[Dave]

Right.

[John Deloney]

All right.

[Dave]

Okay. Thank you.

[John Deloney]

I'll offer this man. Call anytime.

[Dave]

Okay.

[John Deloney]

Call anytime.

[Dave]

I appreciate it.

[John Deloney]

Will you do me one homework assignment?

[Dave]

Sure.

[John Deloney]

Do me two homework assignments.

[Dave]

All right.

[John Deloney]

Write down a list of questions. Sit with yourself. Go to a coffee shop. Right now. Take some time from work, whatever you got. Go to a coffee shop and write down all of the practical questions. If this was a. If. If your wife had terminal cancer, there's the heartbreak, oh, my gosh, I'm gonna be a single dad. There's all that. But then there's the, how much does a burial cost? How are we going to get invitations? Like all the nuts and bolts, the business parts? Okay, write those questions down. How do I get somebody off of a mortgage? Do I have to split up my 401? Like all those things that you don't know the answers to. That way when you walk in and sit in front of an attorney, you're probably going to just explode and start sobbing. You've already got that thing down. Okay, that's number one. Number two, how old are you right now?

[Dave]

48.

[John Deloney]

I want you to write yourself a letter to 55 year old Dave.

[Dave]

Okay?

[John Deloney]

I don't want you to apologize to him because you thought your life was going to look different. I want you to tell him I'm sorry and I want you to tell him the things that you committed to doing the day you found out your life was no longer what it once was. And what you're doing is you're putting like kind of like a budget on your spending. You're putting boundaries on your grief. I'm about to go into the pit of hell, but I'm not going to drink. I'm going to go in the pit of despair and I'm not going to just live on Internet porn and something like. You know what I'm saying?

[Dave]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Deloney]

So write yourself 55 year old you, 7 years from now a letter and said I committed to these principles when I went off into the black hole for a while. Because brother, you're going into a black hole and it's right and it's holy and it's good. Okay, I'm sorry.

[Dave]

Thank you.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Will you call me anytime?

[Dave]

I will. Thank you.

[John Deloney]

All right, brother.

[Dave]

Thanks, Joe.

[John Deloney]

Blessings to you, man. We'll be right back.

[Leah]

This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right. I was born and raised in Texas and I love the myth of the lone cowboy. The guy who doesn't need anyone or anything and who solves problems all by him or herself. It's a fun, fun story and it's a lie. In a society that's obsessed with your diet, your workout, your mental health, your job and your everything else, it's easy to forget that no one can do life alone. Whether you're introverted, extroverted or whatever Internet based relationship style you want to give.

[John Deloney]

Yourself, we all have to have a.

[Leah]

Community and a support system to do life with good folks. It's time to shift the focus from doing it all by ourself to knowing that we can only be well and.

[John Deloney]

Whole when we ask for help.

[Leah]

Therapy can be a great source of support for any area of your life. And if you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. Better Help is 100% online therapy, so it can fit in your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month, start to build your support system with better help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help.com DeLoney let's talk about Delete Me, my go to provider for online safety, security and peace of mind. Don't skip past this. Listen, we all know that we live on the Internet these days. I wish this wasn't the case, but it doesn't matter if I wish this wasn't the case. Everything in my life and in your life takes place over the Internet. Our work, our personal messages and communications. We buy most of our things on the Internets now. It's where so much of our lives exist. And because so much of our lives exist on the Internet now, it's become normal to just give away our email address to random companies who then turn around and sell those email addresses to other companies. This is why I'm happy to use and recommend Deleteme. I looked at the reports my friends at Delete Me have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Delete Me has saved me countless hours, days even. And they send me detailed reports throughout the year showing me exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid living on the Internets, but we can make our personal data personal again with Delete Me. Get protected with Delete Me today and get 20% off all of the Delete Me plans that comes out to less than $9 a month. Go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney right now. That's join J-O-I-N delete me.com DeLoney all.

[John Deloney]

Right, let's go out to Sasquatchian. Is that how you say that?

[Kelly]

No, that's just Saskatchewan.

[John Deloney]

Sasquatch land.

[Kelly]

Sure, go with that.

[John Deloney]

Sasquatch Obi Wan Kenobi, Canada and talk to Ryan. What's up Ryan?

[Ryan]

Hey Dr. John.

[John Deloney]

What's up brother?

[Ryan]

Not much.

[John Deloney]

I've.

[Ryan]

I've heard worse pronunciations of that.

[John Deloney]

I. I would break your heart to tell you I taught geography for a few years for high school kids. I was what was wrong with the Texas education system. But such it is. What's up, dude?

[Ryan]

Well, I don't blame you. It's. It's. It's okay. We're a long ways from. From there, so.

[John Deloney]

I don't know how to pronounce. Okay, that's all good. All right.

[Leah]

So what's up?

[Ryan]

So my question today is how can I overcome bitterness and resentment. Resentment towards my wife's career choice.

[John Deloney]

Which I was gonna ask you. Is she an adult film star? But that'd probably be inappropriate.

[Ryan]

No, it's the, it's the furthest. It's not what you think, Dr. John. So.

[John Deloney]

Okay, tell me what she does.

[Ryan]

Okay. Well, right now she's currently like an administrator and at our church and, and oversees U.S. nonprofit organization. So.

[John Deloney]

So she's dedicated her life to caring about everyone but you.

[Ryan]

Basically, in a sense. And it's been a slow evolution over the past kind of 12 years into that. It started out as a kind of an eight to job or whatever and it's turned into something totally different.

[John Deloney]

That's what ministries and non profits will do to you. They'll take every spare ounce of time and energy and hope and blood and guts you have. That's exactly right.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Leah]

So what does she get?

[John Deloney]

What does she get from. She's probably working 90 hours a week, right?

[Ryan]

Yeah, well, yeah, there are seasons that are really heavy and stuff. Right. But yeah, again, it just seems to get more and tighter all the time and just. It used to be one fire every once in a while. Now it's. Everything's on fire all the time. Yeah. So what does she get? I. I don't know. Like she. She has been diagnosed with adhd.

[John Deloney]

I don't care about that. None of that. I don't care about any of that. No, I don't care about that.

[Ryan]

No.

[John Deloney]

What, what, what is, what is this workload and this external caring brings her something.

[Ryan]

Probably fulfillment, I would think, and just, and, and just purpose, I guess. She loves people. She loves caring for people like her and just trying to help people out. Right. So.

[John Deloney]

So what about you?

[Ryan]

So what about me what, what is.

[John Deloney]

It about this life that you are resenting and you're bitter about it's lack.

[Ryan]

Well, lack of focus on things at home. And it just seems like every time that there's I say yes and agree to something or whatever to try and help her out and it just gets put on me Forever kind of thing.

[John Deloney]

And it.

[Ryan]

And it's. It's even just we have a daughter as well, and it's just the time that. And I'm self employed, so I don't have an 8 to 5 job either. So it's trying to be at home for her, get her to school on time. Just. I don't want to do this alone at times either.

[John Deloney]

Why haven't you sat down and told your wife across the table, I miss you and I'm doing life by myself and I don't like the life that I'm creating by myself?

[Ryan]

We've discussed about. We've talked about it.

[John Deloney]

Have you talked about that or have you talked about issues?

[Ryan]

We've talked about schedule and.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, that's. Those are distractions.

[Ryan]

Yeah, we.

[John Deloney]

Yeah, those are distractions. I miss my wife. I agreed to build something together with you, not to be a personal assistant. Well, you ran off and saved other people's lives. Or we both went all in. All hands on deck when this job was 8 to 5. Now the job's changed. Now we have to reimagine our marriage because a huge part of our life has shifted. And let's just be honest about that shift and call it is what it is and let's. Let's make decisions from there.

[Ryan]

I can say that we've talked maybe not to the depth of that. Right. But it's more the fact that I'm scared that I will let my emotions or my tone or my resentment kind of bubble up. And if. If I really told her the truth, that it would destroy her too.

[John Deloney]

So you're lying to your wife to, to protect her.

[Ryan]

Probably in a roundabout way. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Don't do that.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[Leah]

Because here's what she feels.

[John Deloney]

She knows you've got secrets. She doesn't know what they are. And the way she protects herself from the growing gap in your house, it's a dance, right? She creates this gap by working 85 hours a week. She gets tons of high fives.

[Ryan]

She gets.

[John Deloney]

And people looking at her with. With tear filled eyes. You saved the day. You saved my marriage. You saved my life. You. You fed our families, whatever her nonprofits are. And you have ministry is just like a vampire, dude. People want everything from everybody all the time. And. But there's immediate feedback and there's always a problem to solve. And home can feel boring. Home can feel purposeless. And when she does come home, she's got a husband that's keeping a big secret.

[Ryan]

I would say you're spot on there.

[John Deloney]

And In a weird way, you're as out on the marriage as she is. Does that make sense? She's out physically, but you're out emotionally.

[Ryan]

Yeah. And I would say even that she's out emotionally too, because she gets purpose or fulfilled in that rule. And emotionally in a. And apart from outside. Right. Or from what she's doing.

[John Deloney]

So you can. Here's the thing. You can choose to tell the truth and you can choose to do it in a way that you're not a jerk and you're not an immature idiot. All that can be the same. And if you go into the conversation, I say this all the time. If you use I statements, not you statements. So what does that mean? If you all sit down and you say, hey, we have to have a or what meeting? What? What are you talking about? Oh, Ryan, this again. Hey, our marriage is almost over. What? We need to talk now. This weekend, 8:00 in the morning on Saturday. I've got child care already set up. We're having this conversation. We have to. And if you sit down and you say you've been working so much, you always leave me out, then she's going.

[Leah]

To go to war with you.

[John Deloney]

She has to, to preserve herself. But if you sit down and say, I've been keeping secrets from you, I miss you, you've built a life without me, without our daughter. We all miss you. This house misses you. Here's how I feel. However, I don't even know if it's true, but here's how I feel. That you choose the church over your family. You choose a non profit over your family. You choose the. And at least you're putting it on the table, but you're saying it in a way that's an invitation, not an accusation. And if she won't talk to you, then y'all gotta deal with that because your marriage is in real bad shape. If she goes bananas and says, I hate you and I can't believe you're doing this to me, you know, this is important to me and you're stealing this from me, then your marriage is in real bad shape. If she gets mad initially and then she exhales and says, I'm so sorry, I don't know where to go from here. Now you got a chance. But secrets will destroy your marriage.

[Ryan]

No.

[Dave]

Absolutely.

[John Deloney]

And unfettered. Whether you get affirmation from acute co worker, whether you get affirmation from an AI sex robot online or like one of those, I don't know, online call girls, or you get affirmation from a church and a nonprofit. If you're seeking identity outside of the primary identity you promised your friends, your family, your partner, and God, which is you and I are building something together, then it's all some sort of in some form of infidelity. And I've said for a long time, you can cheat on your spouse with a golf course, with a human, with a computer, with your money, with work, Anything that becomes something you worship and chase. Other than how do we build a life together? Does that make sense?

[Ryan]

Yep. Yeah. No, it totally does.

[John Deloney]

And you walking around feeling self righteous that you're protecting her because if she really knew, it would destroy her. Bro, Give her some credit. She's probably tougher than that.

[Ryan]

She is. But I. I know what my words can do too. Right.

[John Deloney]

Then don't use those words because that's abuse. Yeah.

[Ryan]

No, no. Yeah. I just struggle with how to say it. Like, and. And.

[John Deloney]

All right, let's roll. What do you want to say?

[Ryan]

Basically what you said. Basically like that she's not. She's not present. She's not there.

[John Deloney]

Nope. No.

[Ryan]

Like we're last place, basically.

[John Deloney]

Okay. If you do that, you've just declared World War III in your house. Don't do that. You'll lose. She's a minister and CEO of a nonprofit. She'll beat you, and then you'll just have to get mean to win. Try it another way, using I statements.

[Ryan]

I feel left out of her life.

[John Deloney]

Start over. Go to the very beginning. Repeat after me. I miss my wife.

[Ryan]

I miss my wife. I miss the life that we planned together. I miss her being present when I'm there.

[John Deloney]

And then you can get into. I don't know if this is even true, but here's what's going on in my chest, in my heart. I feel like that stuff's become more important than me and. And your daughter. I feel like you're taking jobs, you're answering phone calls, you're running to late night emergencies as a way of avoiding being here because you don't like being here. I don't know if that's true, but that's the way it feels. And do you see here my. My vocal tone one of these ways? And I want you to keep this image in your mind when you have this conversation. If you go at it in a fight, body posture, tone, all that, you're going to get a fight. If you go into it by taking a knee and saying, we've gotten sideways here. I'm confident I've played a role in this thing. There's a humility to it. I miss my wife. And it's embarrassing as a husband even say that, but I do. I'm jealous of my wife and all the personal success you have. And I'm stuck here in the driving line with our daughter. How old's your daughter?

[Ryan]

Almost 13.

[John Deloney]

Okay, can we just call out a truth about 13 year old daughters? They can be super fun and they can be dreadfully boring and annoying.

[Kelly]

And.

[John Deloney]

I'm tired of being dreadfully bored and annoyed by myself. And our daughter needs her mom. She needs to have conversations with you that I can't have her. It's weird.

[Ryan]

Yeah, those are definitely things that are coming up now too as she's getting older.

[John Deloney]

So here's the way to prevent yourself from exploding. Number one, make a choice. I will not explode. I will in my mind, take a knee. And if I have to do it in person, I'm going to take a knee in person so that I can have a right body posture and I'm going to get blown up on the Internet about that. And I don't give a crap. I'm right. Number two, write these things down. Otherwise when you open that hatch, it's going to come pouring out and you're not gonna be able to control it. And I want you to mine your own feelings. Are you jealous of her success? Are you bored just stuck at home with a 13 year old girl? Are you feeling weird as your daughter's entering into her own sexuality and dating and you feel out of place and weird and I don't know, you know what I mean? Like just awkward, like are like, I.

[Leah]

Don'T know what's actually going on in.

[John Deloney]

Your mind and in your body, but I want you to be honest about it and write that stuff down so that it's, it's much more intellectual, it's much more cognitive. You're reading something from a piece of paper you've prepared and you can stay present and it doesn't turn into this thing just gets sliding down a hill and all of a sudden and then, and then, and then, and now you're yelling and screaming and y'all having to fight. She'll check out. And by the way, Ryan, I think your marriage is going to be good. It's very common to get annoyed, to get frustrated, to get resentful, to become bitter about jobs and friends and golf and fishing and hunting, whatever else, whatever your things are. The real question is, do you all have a path towards repair? Do you have a path, a way that y'all can sit down and say, I'm not keeping secret from you anymore. Here's the truth. Here's what I'm experiencing in our house. Underneath all of that, here's the master question you're asking Ryan, after 13 years or 15 years or 17 years, this is your husband. Do you still love me? Because I still love you. And maybe you asked that question at the end of it all. I just want to know, do you still love me? And then we can start the rebuild. And bro, if you want to have her give me a call. I'd love to talk to you both. Or I'd love to talk to her, too. I'm confident she's got another side of the story, but I guess I just don't buy it anymore when people are.

[Leah]

Like, I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this without exploding.

[John Deloney]

You can. The fact that you can call me and have that conversation, you can, you can make choices. If you need to do it in front of a neutral third party, go see a counselor and have this conversation in front of a counselor, and maybe that'll reign you in a little bit. But make that choice to treat your wife with dignity and respect, to breathe through it, take an humble posture, write it down. Stop keeping secrets. Let's, let's, let's lance this wound and get on with the healing process. Thanks for the call, brother. We'll be right back.

[Leah]

Can I just tell you I love organifi? I love them. But I also get that some folks are skeptical about whole food powders. Are they really worth it?

[John Deloney]

I get it.

[Leah]

So if any of you are still on the fence about green and red juice powders or organifi in general, or you just want a simple way to try out organifi, I've got the perfect solution. The organifi starter kit. It's like if organifi released a greatest hits album, but without the obligatory lame live tracks. In the organifi starter kit, you get seven green juice travel packs, which include your daily dose of detoxifying superfoods to boost your immune system, reduce stress, and feel good from the inside out. And you get seven red juice travel packs loaded with whole food goodness and antioxidants. It's an early morning and an afternoon pick me up without the jitters of caffeine for a natural energy boost that keeps you focused and feeling great. But that's not all. You also get a full month supply of essential magnesium capsules, great for muscle recovery, promoting relaxation and supporting heart health. And to make mixing your juices even easier. The starter kit comes with an organifi shaker bottle. When I started using organifi, I noticed a difference within the first week and I think you will too. Right now you can save 20% on the starter kit at organifi.com deloney with promo code Delony. This kit is the best way to enjoy three organifi products on the go. Whether you're at the office running errands or hitting the gym. Go to O R-G-A-N-I F I.com DeLoney and use code DeLoney for 20 off their starter kit. That's Organifi.com DeLoney code DeLoney for 20 off everything else on their site today.

[John Deloney]

All right, let's go out to Lancaster, Pennsylvania and talk to Leah.

[Leah]

What's up, Leah?

[F]

Hi, I'm Dr. John. How are you?

[Leah]

I'm so good.

[John Deloney]

What are you up to?

[Leah]

I'm sorry, I blew it.

[John Deloney]

It's not Lancaster, it's Lancaster.

[F]

You're correct. That is right. It is Lancaster.

[John Deloney]

Lancaster.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I went did an event there this past fall and it was amazing.

[Leah]

I loved it. I loved it there.

[John Deloney]

But I was corrected multiple times. It is not Lancaster. It's awesome.

[Leah]

Gonna talk to you.

[John Deloney]

What's up?

[F]

I am looking for how can I help my 17 year old son build, build friendships and feel more connected, especially after a tough divorce.

[John Deloney]

Oh, tell me about your son.

[F]

He is about 17. He's involved in sports, he works, he's active. We've had a lot of ups and downs in the last, you know, four years, but we're really, it seems like we're in a good place.

[John Deloney]

What does ups and downs mean? That can mean everything from he's drinking, he's sneaking cigarettes, he says bad words or he's suicidal. Like, what does that mean?

[F]

I it more like the, the says bad words gets mad at me. More like I, I kind of took the, took the brunt of the, of a divorce with a teenage boy that didn't know which parent to listen to and took a lot of brunt of that over, over the last four years.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[F]

But recently as, as a, when something hard comes up. So I know that this, this might sound a little crazy, but he came to me and said all of my friends are sports betting. You know, their dads help them and I have no friends because I'm never allowed to do what everybody else is allowed to do. I wasn't allowed to have Snapchat, I didn't have a phone, I didn't have, you know, anything that anybody else has? And I'm on the outside again.

[John Deloney]

I've had this conversation multiple times in my own house. So I'm with you. I'm with you.

[F]

I think it felt extra. It feels extra hard. I think as a single mom going, I want him to have friends. I don't know why. He does seem like he feels on the outside and I don't know if it's, you know, he'd go to. I was never invited to stuff. I'm always on the outside and I guess I'm looking for. I don't know if it's more situation of he's because that kind of hits me right in the heart. I don't know if it's to get what he wants or if it is that he really is on the outside and not connected. And I'm. How do I help? What's the best way for me to help him with that or can I. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I mean there's so much here and I'd probably need to spend some time with him. High level. You asked an either or question. And my answer to that question is yes. Is he trying to get what he wants and he knows how to pull your strings? Yes. 100. He's 17. He knows how what works in his house.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And he knows that yelling and screaming and swearing at mom is a no go anymore. Absolutely. But he also knows that after the mom's still hanging on to this divorce four years later, which means it was really hellacious for Julia. And you're extra sensitive to the emotional state of your kids.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And by being tuned into it, you try to take their pain away for them.

[F]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

And on the other side, he probably is left out of stuff because you've been a good parent. You've held the line on. On cancers like Snapchat and Cancers like giving your kids social media and crap like that. And so there is a case like my kids do the same exact thing. Like I'm getting left out of stuff. I don't get invited us. Like I get that and it breaks my heart. And so the path forward is a, to feel your feelings and know that a mom should always feel sad when her son comes and says I'm left out of stuff, I should break your heart. And if the alternative is all my kids, all my friends get together and smoke weed and I don't. I was about to like have crazy, like, I don't know, parties and then it's not fair that you won't let me go. Like, I get that man, I get your 17, you want to go do crazy stuff with your friends and my job's to keep you safe. I'm not gonna let you go do something stupid. It's gonna get you hurt. So both are true, right? The second is you gotta let this divorce thing go because you're letting it lead you around in your parenting. Yeah, it happened. Was it really ugly?

[F]

Yeah, it was really, really ugly.

[John Deloney]

Did your husband weaponize your ex, weaponize your kids against you?

[F]

Yes.

[John Deloney]

Okay, I'm sorry that happened. No one should ever do that, ever, ever, ever do that. And I'm sorry that happened to you. The moment that happens, you instantly have to switch in your mind. You're playing a 15 year game, a 20 year game. And that means in five years and seven years, your kids are going to go through phases where they think they hate you or they think that you're the worst person, that you blew up the family, that you're evil. And if you keep showing up and you stop outsourcing how you feel on a day by day basis to kids, to children and you keep showing up and you get some adult friends in your life and you get the therapy that you need and you take care of your physical help and health in seven years, in nine years they go, oh my gosh, mom's been steady the whole time. And the game you're playing now is not the happy 17 year old that loves his every minute of his life. I don't know any 17 year olds, by the way, that do. You're looking for the regulated college grad 25 year old who's calling you and saying, mom, I think I met the, I think I met the girl. And that's easy to put down on paper. And for me to say it, it sucks when your 17 year old's coming home and whining about everything all the time.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So here's the harsh reality of I've had to manage in my own house. If I say no to the current social norms of my child's life, I have to provide alternatives in real time. What does that mean? That means tomorrow after work, on my precious weekend, a weekend I'm not traveling, I'm picking up my son and one of his friends and they're going out to. We're going out to the woods for a weekend of fishing and not sleeping and grilling out and having some good times and hunting armadillos I don't know knuckleheads are going to do, but we're going to go out and just Be ridiculous. Everything in my body wants to go sleep. Everything in my heart and my mind knows the right thing and the awesome thing and the thing the stories are going to tell at my funeral are going to be when I go out and do fun stuff. And since I took away Snapchatting all day and going to parties and doing all this, going to unsupervised things and being ridiculous, I'm going to have to offer alternatives. And the only alternatives right now because he, my son, can't drive, is I'm going to be involved. I'll help you out. How fun do we want to make this thing? And that's really hard when you're a single parent with three other kids, right?

[F]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Deloney]

I'm not saying any of this is easy. It's awful.

[F]

And at 17, they are. He's. I think I'm having a hard time with the. How much more independence do I give him than while trying to guide him in these things? Like I want to do more stuff with him, but it's really hard for a seven with. With a 17 year old. What, what, what do I do with them? Or how does, how do I.

[John Deloney]

At 17 and at 18 it's. I mean, at the end of 16 and every kid's different, right? But now you're at the end where you can say stuff with a hilarious smile on your face.

[Leah]

We're going to teach you how to date. You're taking me on a date.

[John Deloney]

And you're going to get dressed up. You're going to call, make a reservation. I'm buying. But you're taking me out. We're going to do this. And he's going to go, oh my gosh, that's so lame. Mom. You go, yep, it is lame. But we're doing it right. And it will be one of those annoying lame. I hate this. I'm so glad we're doing this.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Or I'm gonna teach you how to dance in the living room. This is my slow dancing songs. And not in a sexualized way or an erotic way, but in a fun mom and son way. And you can tell them you're. You're a year away of going on dates on your own. You don't know what you're doing. I've seen you try. It's terrible. It's embarrassing. We're doing this. I've seen you try to dance. No kid of mine is leaving this house not knowing how to slow dance. I don't know what, I don't know what happens in your house, but you all do those kind of. You see what I'm saying? Y'all do those kind of things.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And I. I don't know what works for y'all, but those. Those points of forced connection are annoying and frustrating, and my mom's the worst. And they are. They are a glass of cold water and a mouth as dry as a desert for it for a teenager desperate for connection. And you're not trying to be cool. You're not trying to, like, take the place of friends. You can't take that. But you are trying to give him the connection that he's actually craving, that he's trying to, like you're steak and potatoes when he's trying to eat Twinkies with Snapchat.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And you know what's even worse about this? You're going to have to ask for help.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

That was an awesome gulp. You've tried to be hardcore for the last four years and fight and scratch and claw your way through this. And you're going to need to talk to a guy, a local church or a coach that you trust, because he needs a man in his life that's trustworthy, that's not a scumbag that would lie about his mother to him.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And he needs. You're gonna need some. Somebody to come over and watch your kids while you and him go out. While y'all start a weekly dinner together or bi weekly dinner once a month dinner together. You all sign up for a half marathon. I don't know what.

[Leah]

Whatever goes on.

[John Deloney]

But you're gonna need some help watching your kids. And you don't have extra money. My guess is. And so you're gonna have to just ask for help.

[F]

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that.

[John Deloney]

What's he thinking about doing next year? Is he a junior or senior?

[F]

He's a junior.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[F]

And he. No matter how much I encourage college, actually, he. He wants to go right into working. And so that's cool.

[John Deloney]

I think it would be fun that you start sitting them down with you to do a budget together.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Hey, you're 17. Here's some things I'm just gonna start teaching you how to do. I don't want you. You have to. If you want a cell phone that I pay for, if you want to drive a car that I put. Pay the insurance on and put gas in, then you will sit down and do a budget with me once a month. You will go on one date a month with me.

[Ryan]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

That's the price to pay. Because I've got to teach you some of These bigger lessons because your dad's not here to do it.

[F]

I tell him if I do my job right, he'll move out and not have to come back. So.

[John Deloney]

And so it's cool.

[Leah]

Like I'm just gonna go straight to the workforce, bro.

[John Deloney]

Do this. That's fine. Cool. That's fantastic. Here's what that looks like. Here's how much it costs to just live.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

So find me a couple of jobs in your area that will at least even pay to be able to pay rent in the Pennsylvania area. Much less cell phone, car insurance and everything else you want to do. Let's just, let's just do the nuts and bolts. Let's just look at the numbers.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And maybe it's not college, but maybe you got to go to trade school, which I'm a huge fan of.

[F]

Yeah. That's what he's looking at.

[John Deloney]

Yeah. Fantastic. Let's just, let's go visit him. Let's go sit down and look with that life. Let's go get. Talk to some 60 year old electricians and ask how their life has been.

[F]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

And now we're getting into the good stuff. And he's going to fight you every step of the way. Just know it's coming. And when he's 25 and he gets his journeyman certificate and he's found some cute girl that you kind of like but you're kind of annoyed because he's your oldest boy, then you'll know. Nailed it.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And also if you can fill your house full of stinky 17 year old boys watching movies and eating pizza and being ridiculous, do it.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

Is that fair?

[F]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

Can I tell you a crazy thing?

[F]

Please do.

[John Deloney]

You're a good mom.

[F]

Thanks.

[John Deloney]

The fact that you're attuned and you care about your 17 year old boy's feelings right now, that means you're a good mom. I'm sorry the last four years have sucked.

[F]

That's. It's actually. You know what? There were a lot more before that. It's actually. We're, we're. We're. It's a lot better. It's getting a lot, A lot better.

[John Deloney]

Okay. Is he able to talk about his dad with some honesty and truth now?

[F]

I think he sees it.

[John Deloney]

Okay.

[F]

With some honesty and truth. So there's. We generally just don't say anything.

[John Deloney]

But most 17 year olds can't because he still knows half of me is him.

[F]

Yeah.

[John Deloney]

And anything I say out loud, I admit out loud is at least a 50% reflection of me. And that's really tough.

[F]

Yep.

[John Deloney]

So just the quiet exhale is pretty, pretty amazing and pretty impressive. You're a good mom and I'm really grateful for the call. If you do parenting, I hate to use this kind of language. If you do parenting right in this current world that we have right now, your kid's gonna be on the outside of a lot of stuff. It's heartbreaking and it stinks and it's sad and I hate it and wish it wasn't. And it is. And so the question we all have to ask ourselves is, what are ways I can get my kids connected to us, to friends, to fun, rambunctious, outdoor whatever activities, but not just turn them over to the Internet gods and say, have your way with my kids. I'm grateful for you, Leah. Keep fighting, keep fighting, keep fighting. We'll be right back.

[Leah]

Let's talk about Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. It's officially Lent, which are the 40 days leading up to Good Friday and Easter. Lent is when Christians all over the world commit to a season of fasting from all sorts of things, and they commit themselves to reconnection and remembering prayer and meditation. Right now, Hallow has a challenge going on called the Way. It's meant to reflect living the way of Jesus. And that means doing hard things that lead to peace, joy, and healing. Throughout the way. You'll get to hear some incredible stories from people like Jonathan Roumie of the Chosen, Chris Pratt, Mark Wahlberg, and more. And you'll be invited to participate in experiencing life change yourself. Plus, you can check out Hallow's Lent challenge for kids called the Little Way. It's a fun, meaningful adventure for the whole family as y'all will follow along with two kids learning to live out gratitude every day. And this is just a tiny bit of what Hallow offers. Hallow has a huge catalog of music, guided prayers, meditation, and more. And when you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you'll get three months for free. So you're covered all through lint and beyond. Go check out hallow.com DeLoney for three free months. That's Hallow. H a l l o w.com DeLoney.

[John Deloney]

All right, we're back. Something cool happened.

[Leah]

What is it?

[Kelly]

All right, so back In December of 2023, we spoke to a woman named Addie from New York. Her question was, she said, I'm a 56 year old woman and I feel like my life, I ruined my younger years with drugs and alcohol and then the remaining years trying to fix what was broken about me. And I've run out of time. How do I not end up a miserable, regretful old person who dies alone?

[Leah]

Okay, are you sure you didn't write.

[Kelly]

That question in anyway? So Addie sent in a follow up. One year ago today, I spoke with you on your show. I was a mess and hopeless that my life and myself could not get better. You gifted me numerous tools FPU EveryDollar, your books and Ken Coleman's book. What a year. I got honest with two people close to me about my financial mess. They helped me figure out a plan using the baby steps. I read both of your books. I've also passed them along to friends, took Ken's Coleman assessment, and did fpu. My life today is very different. I have a morning routine. I regularly exercise. I'm living on a budget. The best thing is that a former employer noticed a big difference in me and in May offered me a job with a $35,000 raise.

[John Deloney]

Whoa.

[Kelly]

When I called, I was pretty close to the edge, wishing that something would happen to me so that this could all be over. Now, I cannot imagine thinking or feeling that way. I still have struggles with food and relationships, but hopefully those will work themselves out one day. Saying thank you isn't enough. I hope you come to the Northeast to speak one day soon so that I can properly thank you. What a wonderful. Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season. Thank you for all you do. We got this right before the holidays, so that's pretty awesome.

[John Deloney]

That's amazing. That's awesome. Good on her. Good on her. On her. If you're sitting out there wondering, when is the something going to happen to me? You be the something. Make the phone call. Decide you're going to stop overspending. Go take a risk on something professional. Go get training, whatever you got to do.

[Leah]

Go find a couple of people and.

[John Deloney]

Just say, hey, here's the truth about my life right now. You go be the something, and it's shocking how the world responds. That's awesome, Kelly. Thanks for telling me that. That was good. Usually I just, like, have direct eye line with you, and it's just mostly a sad face at the state of my. My life and show. But that was. I felt joy there and.

[Leah]

Hey, what happened to your finger?

[Kelly]

You know what happened to my finger.

[John Deloney]

We haven't. I know.

[Leah]

You flipped me off so much.

[Kelly]

You just went ahead and it finally strained the finger. No, it's on there. You. For those that are watching.

[John Deloney]

That's for those of you who are listening. She's just got her middle finger taped in a full upright position.

[Kelly]

Pretty much. So last week, I was making dinner with a mandolin slicer, and I cut off about the top, the whole, like, quarter inch of the finger. I don't recommend doing it.

[John Deloney]

I saw it, dude. You showed it to me. It looks gnarly.

[Kelly]

Yeah, because they had to cauterize it at the ER so it's, like, all black. I'm gonna. Here is a PSA to everyone. According to the nurse at the emergency room, it is the most dangerous kitchen appliance, and they get at least one a week in. So get rid of your mandolin slicers or at least use a glove or something. It's not worth the nicely chopped cucumbers. That's what it was chopping. So.

[John Deloney]

And second, psa, if you're a non kitchen person listening to this, when Kelly was like, oh, my gosh, I chopped off the top of my finger with a mandolin, I immediately thought, kelly, you must have been playing that instrument so hard. Like, that's what. That's what bluegrass jamming is all about.

[Kelly]

You're not the only person that thought that either.

[John Deloney]

I've never heard of the word of a mandolin ever.

[Kelly]

A mandolin slicer, you know, like, you. You know what I'm talking about, though, right?

[John Deloney]

Zero.

[Kelly]

When you're slicing and it slices real thin slices of something.

[Leah]

We have these.

[John Deloney]

They're relatively new. I forgot the name of them. Oh, yeah, they're called knives, and we just use those.

[Kelly]

But these are a lot faster. But they're very dangerous, apparently. So it's just a. Like a food slicer. And, yeah, a lot of people thought that I was really like, you have.

[John Deloney]

A secret bluegrass life.

[Kelly]

So hard that I cut part of my finger off.

[John Deloney]

By day, she's. She's the producer of a middling podcast. By night, she's a bluegrass queen.

[Leah]

That'd be so much of a cooler story.

[Kelly]

I wish it were, but that's not it, unfortunately. Was chopping up some cucumbers.

[John Deloney]

Well, I'm glad that the other four are okay. And I'm glad that when you do flip me off, which you do on a regular basis, I just see this giant pink cast right in my face. As we should. Hey, everybody. Listening. We love you guys.

[Leah]

Love you guys.

[Ryan]

Bye.