My Wife’s Sex Drive Intimidates Me

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: "My Wife’s Sex Drive Intimidates Me"
Date: March 27, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show tackles real and relatable issues in marriage, intimacy, finances, and personality differences. Through three main caller segments, Dr. John offers down-to-earth wisdom and practical strategies for navigating newlywed adjustments, mismatched sexual appetites, marital money disagreements, and balancing introvert/extrovert dynamics at home. He emphasizes honest communication, intentionality, mutual respect, and self-awareness.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Navigating Intimacy Differences in a New Marriage

(Starts ~00:05)

Caller: William from Austin

• Recently married, both in early 40s—first marriage for both.
• William is his wife’s first sexual partner, not vice versa.
• His wife’s sex drive is "through the roof”—he feels pressure to keep up, sometimes is too tired/worn out to reciprocate.
• Worried about “not meeting her needs” and unintentionally crushing her desire.

Dr. John's Guidance & Insights:

• Myth Busting about Sex Drives:

  • "There’s so many myths around sex, and especially myths around married sex. One of the big ones is guys want it all the time, women never want it. And there is a psychological disorientation when you find out that's not true." (Dr. John, 02:29)
  • Outlines two main desire types:
    • Responsive desire: Not thinking about sex all day, but enjoy it once initiated.
    • Proactive/activated desire: Turned on by small stimuli, always ready.
  • “Those two people tend to find each other... and our culture has told us that one is right and one is wrong. And that's nonsense." (Dr. John, 04:00)

• Communication is Key:

  • Encourages open, lighthearted conversations about wants, boundaries, and what feels good.
  • “We need to talk about these things. How do we talk about, hey, how do I say, not right now or not tonight? And it not spin you up.” (Dr. John, 05:25)

• Intentionality & Normalcy:

  • Some nights are about connection, others about quick fun; both are okay.
  • Draws a parallel with other areas of life—sometimes you do things not entirely because you feel like it, but because you value the connection.
  • "There is a time and a place for, ‘I don’t feel like it right this moment, but I know when I get going, I’m going to be glad we’re doing this.’" (Dr. John, 06:05)

• Sexual ‘State of the Union’:

  • Suggests a regular, playful check-in: "How fun would it be to have a sex state of the union? What do you like? What do you not like? What do you want to try?" (Dr. John, 08:06)
  • Normalizes calendar-based sex for some couples; intention beats spontaneity.

• Don’t Take Emotional Responsibility for Spouse’s Every Feeling:

  • Warns William against becoming solely responsible for his wife’s happiness—can lead to resentment (10:31).

• Societal Pressure & Self-Identity:

  • Discusses societal expectations, especially in faith communities, and affirms that “nobody gets a vote” in their marriage dynamic but them.

• Concrete Daily Conversation:

  • Recommends couples explicitly ask "What's your picture of tonight look like?" each day to sync expectations and reduce miscommunication.
    • "It's about it becoming intentional." (Dr. John, 16:44)

Notable Quotes:

• “Putting somebody else first is amazing, but only if you’re anchored enough in your own well-being.” (12:52)
• "Having these conversations, how can I love you today? What's your picture of tonight look like...that can change everything." (18:11)

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2. Breaking the Cycle of Money Disagreements

(Starts ~21:15)

Caller: Joseph from Los Angeles

• Marriage under financial strain—struggle to align on financial priorities and spending.
• Joseph earns $210,000/year, but the family is nearly $200,000 in debt (credit cards, cars, private school).
• Disagreements about wants vs. needs, and whether his wife should now work since their children are in school.
• Feels trapped: good salary but no margin, living paycheck to paycheck.

Dr. John's Guidance & Insights:

• Money Fights Aren’t About Money—It’s About Values:

  • "Money misalignment is not the problem. It's reflective of value misalignment..." (21:49)

• Name the Real Issue, Not Proxy Wars:

  • Calls out the distraction of arguing car types or vacations when the real issue is underlying safety, satisfaction, and priorities (23:14–24:45).

• Need for a Reality Check and Unified Vision:

  • Advises a hard reset: "Get away for half a day… clear the deck and say, what kind of world do we want to co-create together?" (24:55)
  • When the reality is urgent (large debt, living beyond means), it requires a sober, immediate confrontation—not just a gentle retreat.

• Extreme Ownership & Sacrificial Change:

  • Inspires Joseph to take full ownership of their situation, even if he wasn't solely at fault.
  • Recommends clear, non-accusatory confrontation: “Honey, I’m so serious about this, I’ll quit this job and we can move. I just can’t live like this anymore.” (35:15)

• Children Learn from Parental United Front:

  • Kids benefit from seeing parents unite, sacrifice, and live with intention and discipline.

Notable Quotes:

• “Y’all are in a snapshot of history, man, where you make so much stinking money that y’all could be living a pretty peaceful, amazing, wonderful life…” (32:41)
• "The only path you have ahead of you is to put all of your cards on the table… I can't in good conscience, as your husband, as the father of these three kids, continue to live divorced from reality.” (33:36)

Offered Tools:

• EveryDollar budgeting app (free 1 year)
• Financial Peace University

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3. Personality Clashes: Newlyweds Adjusting to Introversion/Extroversion

(Starts ~40:02)

Caller: Adam from Columbus

• Newly married (2 months), second marriage for both.
• Adam is highly extroverted; his wife is distinctly introverted and a nurse (emotionally exhausted after work).
• Adam’s energetic greetings at home sometimes overwhelm her, causing him to feel rejected/fearful.

Dr. John's Guidance & Insights:

• Demystifying Introvert/Extrovert Labels:

  • “All that really is referring to is some people get energy from small focus groups...some get energy from big groups. Has nothing to do with bombing in the house, like, 'What’s up?!'” (41:34)

• Practical Communication Tools:

  • "How can I love you when I get home?"—ask this before arriving home to set healthy expectations.
  • “What's your picture of tonight look like?”—daily syncing of emotional energy.
  • Suggests playful ideas like an 'emoji board' for communicating daily moods.

• Handling Emotional Landmines & Rejection:

  • Encourages Adam not to interpret "you're too much" as deep rejection, but as feedback for loving his wife according to her needs.
  • "It can...become a roller coaster. You don't have to get on that roller coaster." (47:02)

• Mistake Recovery & Grace:

  • If energy is overwhelming, simply own it: "Can I try that again?" or even physically restart the entrance to lightheartedly reset the moment.
  • “You’re not a bad guy...it’s just practice. Practice.” (50:29)

• Self-Awareness and Growth:

  • Recognizes the triggers from past marriages and the importance of not catastrophizing normal discomfort.

Notable Quotes:

• “Both of you need to have strategies for how do I show up for my spouse, show up for myself at home after whatever day we had.” (45:20)
• “Give yourself some grace. Give her some grace and give y’all some grace.” (52:54)

Resources Provided:

• Book: Building a Non-Anxious Life (for couple to read together)
• "Together" app (personalized daily microhabits for couples)

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Memorable Moments & Quotes (with Timestamps)

• On Sex Drive Stereotypes:
  • “There is a psychological disorientation when you find out that’s not true.” (02:29, Dr. John)
• On Communicating About Sex Needs:
  • “How do I say, not right now or not tonight? And it not spin you up.” (05:25, Dr. John)
• On Being Intentional, Not Mundane:
  • "It's not about it bec[oming] mundane, it's about [sex] becoming intentional." (16:44, Dr. John)
• On Money and Values:
  • "Money misalignment is not the problem. It's reflective of value misalignment." (21:49, Dr. John)
• On Overwhelming Spouse as Extrovert:
  • "How can I love you when I get home?" (43:09, Dr. John)
• Mistake Reset Tool:
  • "Can I try that again?" (51:10, Dr. John, via Jefferson Fisher)

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Noteworthy Advice Summarized

• Couples often enter marriage with mismatched expectations and desire types—normalize, discuss, and de-shame those patterns.
• Open, proactive communication beats mind-reading and reactive conflicts—daily check-ins about expectations help sync rhythms.
• When dealing with recurring money fights, dig beneath the surface to address shared values and emotional themes, not just numbers.
• Financial urgency (debt crisis) requires unified, immediate action with total honesty and shared ownership.
• Personality differences aren’t moral failings—set up systems to support both partners’ needs and practice self-awareness.
• Self-forgiveness, humility, and a playful approach help diffuse conflict and foster connection over the long run.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:05 — William’s call: Sex drive dynamics in early marriage
• 21:15 — Joseph’s call: Money disagreements and family finances
• 40:02 — Adam’s call: Extrovert/introvert friction in daily life
• 55:28 — Kelly on the "Together" app and personalizing for life stages

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Tone and Language

The tone of this episode is candid, empathetic, practical, and laced with humor. Dr. John encourages openness without shame, reframes apparent problems as normal growing pains, and emphasizes practice over perfection. Callers express vulnerability, while Dr. John responds with affirmation, specific advice, and tangible resources.

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Summary

This episode is a masterclass on navigating intimate, financial, and personality pitfalls in marriage. Dr. John Delony guides callers and listeners to greater intentionality, open communication, and self-awareness—always reminding them that challenges are both normal and workable with the right tools and mindset.

Transcript

[Caller]

I recently got married. I'm under two months.

It's all great.

Everything's great. But it is an adjustment. I am her first, but she is not mine. Her sex drive is through the roof, which is great, but I'm not always on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm trying to think of a way I could say this and not sound like such a nerd. Hey, hey, hey, what's up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Real person taking calls from real people going through real stuff in their lives from all over the world calling in here. I'm in Nashville, Tennessee, and here's what we're going to do. We're going to pull up a seat and figure out what's the next right move with your marriage, with your relationships, with your sex life, with your dating, whatever you got going on in your life. You want to be on this show, go to john deloney.com, ask a s k. Let's go out to the 512. Let's go out to Austin and talk to William. Hey, William. What's up, brother?

[Caller]

Hey, can you hear me, Doc?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, what's up, dude?

[Caller]

Not much. Just had a question for you. So, I recently got married. I'm under two months. We're both in our early 40s.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First marriage.

[Caller]

First marriage for both of us. Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, congrats, man.

[Caller]

Thank you. I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, actually, you haven't asked your question yet. I hope this is a congratulations.

[Caller]

It's all great. Everything's great. But it is an adjustment for both of us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Your. Your every bit of your life as you knew it is over now.

[Caller]

Absolutely. Yeah. But in a good way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

But there is a question that I had. So I am her first, but she is not mine.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

You know, unfortunately, just talking about sexually. Correct.

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Caller]

And

so since then, her sex drive is through the roof, which is great, but it's like, you know, I'm not always on at every moment. I don't know how to, like, make sure I'm meeting her needs when it's like, man, I just, you know, got home from work and I just want to kind of, you know, chill out for a little bit or, hey, I'm not, you know, in the mood just because it's been a long day or anything like that. Is there in my. Is that weird? Wrong. You know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, no, Every guy listening is banging their dashboard right now. But, no, no, no, no. Like, so. Dude, there. There's. There's so many myths around sex, and especially myths around married sex. Okay? And one of the big ones is guys want it all the time, women never want it. And there is a psychological disorientation when you find out that's not true.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And everybody's got different sex needs. The sex drive is a myth. I don't like that. Emily Nagoski did a great job kind of pulling that apart. I'm trying to think of a way I could say this and not sound like such a nerd. There's. There's. There's nerd words for it. But basically, some people have responsive sex drives, meaning they don't think about it all day, but when they're. When. When the ball gets rolling, when they head down that path. Right. They're always glad that they had sex. They're glad that they're having sex. They're in a safe relationship. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And there. There never been a time that they finished having sex, and they're like. Or maybe never. But most of the time, they don't finish and be like, I wish I hadn't done that.

[Caller]

But, oh, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They weren't thinking about it all day. 24 7, 365. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're reactive. They have responsive desire. Another kind of desire is more. I'm trying to think of a, like a not nerd word. Like, it's. It's activated. Right. You could, like, see a corner, a tiny little piece of a bra strap, and you're like, yeah, I would. Right. Right now. Right now. Right. Or you have one thought or one memory or one. And it is. I'll. Right now, Grandma's house. Don't care. We're at a restaurant. Let's go out in the car. I don't care. Like, and it's just always on, and I'm overgeneralizing this. But those two people tend to find each other. Right. And our culture has told us that one is right and one is wrong. And that's nonsense. Okay. So I think what you're experiencing right now is. And I'm glad y' all are experiencing this two months in is we need to talk about these things. And often couples don't have. There's nothing in our culture that teaches us how to talk about less, about what meeting our needs, because I think needs can get really dramatic really fast. But how do we talk about what we want? And how do we talk about what feels good? And how do we talk about, hey, how do I say, not right now or not tonight? And it not spin you up.

[Caller]

Right? Absolutely. Because it's like, I don't want to crush you. Know her desire by any means. But it's like, I. I also. I don't want to just be like rabbits. I want it to be, you know, impactful and meaningful when we do have it. But I do want the ones where it's just like, hey, I'm in the mood right now. Yeah, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think. I think it's taking. Taking the existential pressure off because there's a time and a place for romantic lovemaking, and there's a time and a place for. Hey, I got seven minutes. You got seven minutes. You in, right? And then there's a time. If you're in a safe. And. And this is controversial, and I'm really glad you called. Nothing else in our culture, nothing do we say. I don't feel like. Like, so take nutrition. I don't feel like eating healthy. Okay. I don't feel like exercising. Okay. I don't feel like sleeping regularly. Okay. I don't feel like going to work. All those. Those examples, right? Name any other thing. None of. I don't feel like paying my bills. I don't feel like paying taxes. None of those things. Would we say, you know what? Your feelings should lead the show here. And so there is a time and a place, and I have to be careful about this, because idiots will weaponize this. There is a time and a place for. I don't feel like it right this moment, but I know when I get going, I'm going to be glad we're doing this. And so sometimes it's about being generous and being kind, and I don't feel like it super much, but you're super into it, and I love making you happy. So let's party, right? And then sometimes there is. Not tonight. And so have y'. All. Like, this sounds so dramatic, and I'm. I'm saying this with a smile on my face. Right? And by the way, I. I just got done with a big marriage retreat. There was 1,200 people up here from all over the country, actually, all over the world here in Nashville. And I realized when I was speaking from stage, people can see me in my body, and they realized that I laugh a lot, and I know this. So. And when I say, like, you need to have this conversation, somehow it comes across on this show. Oh, it's all my fault. But that every conversation is this big, serious thing, right? So I'm not suggesting that out. I'm not suggesting that at all. But, yeah, two weeks in. You're her first. Y' all have never been married before. How fun Would it be. And insightful. Would it be to have a sex state of the union?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And I'm imagining this being fun. All right, You're a few weeks in. I'm a few weeks in. What do you, like? What do you not like? What are you into? What do you want to try?

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, yeah. We. We've had healthy conversations on it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

It's just a matter of, like, what

[Dr. John DeLoney]

is it about her response that makes you feel like you're dashing, you're crushing her?

[Caller]

It's not. It's not necessarily, like, her response. It's, you know, it's just kind of like she'll just, you know, be, like, always giving me the, you know, the sexy eyes or, you know, trying to touch me in a way that it's not necessarily just saying, like, hey, I want to have sex. It could just be, hey, I want to cuddle. And, you know, and it's like, I'm. I'm already, like, in, you know, going to bed mode, you know, or, you know, it's just that our timing, just being feeling off and can I tell

[Dr. John DeLoney]

you, you're not broken, and she's not either. Your relationship's not doomed. This is a normal part of joining

[Caller]

lives with somebody and just navigating the ride of figuring out each other's rhythms and schedules and things and all that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know couples who say. Who have said, like, if it's gonna happen, it's gotta start before nine. And I know couples who have said, let's put it on the calendar so that I can think about it all day and make sure I'm not coming home with a head full of meetings and emails and whatever, because I want the. I want to be all in on you. I know what. I know one couple right now that has sex on the calendar twice a week. And one is wheels off, and one is. They call it bms, Boring Married Sex. Right. But they put it on the calendar.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if they're starting boring married sex and it turns into wheels off, great. But they know no candles, no special lighting, no. No exotic music. We're just going to get in there because it always feels good. We value connection. We know our marriage is. We like each other more over time when we're having more sex. And this. The situation with our lives right now, kids, jobs, whatever, is. It's chaotic. So we prioritize this so much, we're going to put it on the calendar, which Hollywood has said means, your relationship is doomed, it's over, etc.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But the most concerning thing you've told me is not that y' all have mismatched sexual appetites, that you'll have different types of desire, not that she's super, super, super into you two weeks into being married. The biggest one thing that is making me like tilt my head a little bit. And again, it's not a concern. It's just I want you all to have this conversation earlier rather than later, which is absolutely. I'm go. I am finding myself making myself responsible for her emotional well being. And I'm already starting to see the soil till up a little bit in resentment because some nights I just want to. I'm so tired. I just want to go to bed. And you get to do that. That's okay. That doesn't mean you're a bad husband. Yeah, but it's learning how to communicate that.

[Caller]

Okay, I see where you're going there. It's just. And I think that that's it. It's just, you know, being able to have those over open conversations to where you're not holding back, but you're not, you know, afraid to like step on their toes a little bit. Okay, well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And also there is a time and a place for hell and a cuddle with you. Like Nate Bargazi's got a great bit about that. Like his wife will come in at 2 in the. Because he's a comic, he stays up late and he'll. She'll come in and be like, I'm just going to lay by you on the couch till we both go to bed at 3am and he's like, I don't like that at all. Right. It's like sometimes I just want to be by myself. But also sometimes like cuddle your wife.

[Caller]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And sometimes I. I wouldn't be my first inclination to hold your hand. Oh, you hold hands. I'm in for that,

[Caller]

right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where this gets abusive is when somebody takes advantage. You owe me. You have to. You are responsible for me. And it didn't sound like that with you guys at all.

[Caller]

No, it's never like that. It's just I think that we're both, you know, we both are really, really trying to be very sensitive to each other's needs to where it's like we're putting the other person first, which is great. Right. But you don't want to lose yourself in that.

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you. Putting somebody else first is amazing, but only if you're anchored enough in your own well being.

[Caller]

Correct.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. Because then it becomes codependent real fast. Have. Is there any possibility she is trying to be the wife of your dreams?

[Caller]

Oh, 100. I know that. That that's what she wants because I know she's felt a lot of, you know, societal pressure. I mean, being, you know, our age and, you know, never having been in

[Dr. John DeLoney]

a, you know, a sexual relationship.

[Caller]

Sexual relationship. And then, you know, we both got married later in life, so we realize, you know, we're behind a perceived, you know, societal ball.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Screw all of that. Nobody gets a vote. Nobody gets.

[Caller]

Correct. I'm 100% with you on that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I feel that I do hear a lot, especially in. In faith communities, psyching yourself up. That's. That's me being dramatic. But that wives will feel. I'm going to. I'm going to force myself into this mindset because I want him to think I'm this type of wife who's always down, who's always in the mood, who's. I don't ever want to be that wife that is always shunning my husband.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that, by the way, will get exhausting for her real fast, too.

[Caller]

It can kind of go both ways because it's like, I don't want her to feel like she always has to be on for me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. She just may like you a lot. That's pretty awesome. And it sounds like you like her.

[Caller]

Totally is. Yeah. Yeah. But I don't, you know, it's. For me, it's more than just the sex. Yeah, the sex is great, you know, but I want to figure out, you know, the. The rest of it, you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So here's. Here's a magic conversation to have. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And by the way, this is a conversation my wife and I have every single day of our lives. What does your picture of tonight look like? That's it. We talk about that in the morning. And then I will either call or text on the way home. What's your picture of tonight look like? And if she responds with a certain like, oh, I got this, I got this. Don't forget, kids have this. Josephine's got guitar. Hank Scott, cross country. Whatever. I already can project out and see. Oh, our night's pretty packed. If I want to do something after the kids are in bed, I'm going to say it then. Or I might write, hey, what's your picture of tonight look like? I'm wiped out. I'd love to watch a show with you and go to bed early. And then she goes, okay, great. The best way I can love him, love myself, love us as a couple is to prep for that moment. You get what I'm saying? But it just. It just. It keeps it from being in this moment where now we both are reacting to the other person's perceived desire. And now it's emotional. It's heavy. It's. What, man? Talking about it before you actually get there is awesome. So you both know what you're walking into.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you text her, what's your picture of tonight look like as you're walking out of the office? And she's like, I'm gonna rip your clothes off the second you walk in the door? A, you at least know that's coming. And you can prepare yourself, like, all right, game on, brother. Or you can say. I'm like. You can call her and say, that's the greatest text I've ever got, ever. I'm super wiped out tonight. Is there any chance I could pick you up and go grab dinner somewhere and go to bed early? Right.

[Caller]

Yeah, that totally makes a lot of sense. And it's a lot like when you first brought it up. Honestly, like, I was sitting there thinking, you do this every night. And I'm sitting here thinking, like, how do you keep it from being mundane? But it, like, just clears it up. It makes it so much easier, dude.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It. And by the way, there's times over the last 23 and a half years I've been married when it's like, what's your picture of tonight look like, by the way? We didn't do this until we almost fell apart, so. But for years, we've been doing this. What's your picture of tonight look like? It doesn't look like that at all once we're both in bed asleep. Right. But the fact that we were, like you said, it's not about it, bec Dane. It's about it becoming intentional. And that's amazing. And in our modern, crazy, chaotic world, intentionality wins out every single time. And I will fight tooth and nail. It's a hill I will die on. That is if you have to be intentional about intimacy, about sex, about romance, about making time and space for each other, that means you value it. That means it's extra important. It doesn't mean your. Your romance, your marriage is over. It means we are so intentional. We're putting this on the table first, and then we're going to backfill our night. This is happening or not happening, and then everything else we're going to figure out. And I. I think that intentionality these days is a middle finger to a culture that says Just go with the flow. Because then you're going to go with the flow. Or multiple, like you're going to go. Go with the flow and drift farther and farther apart from each other. So, dude, congratulations on getting married, my brother. And congratulations for navigating this. You're two weeks in, by the way. The smoke will clear on this. It's not gonna be like this for the rest of your life. Just know that. But having these conversations, how can I love you today? What's your picture tonight look like having a sexual state of the union. All right, we're two weeks in. All right, we're one month in. Man, that can change everything. Thanks for call, homie. When we come back, a man asks how he and his wife can break their cycle of money disagreements. I talk to people every day who are anxious and overwhelmed. And one of the things that can send people straight into panic mode is identity theft. When your identity gets stolen, it's not just a financial problem. It messes with your sense of safety. And once that's gone, everything feels off kilter and shaky. This is why I personally have Identity Theft Protection from Xander Insurance. This is not optional for me and my family, it's foundational. Xander gives you real tools that reduce your risk in the first place, like monitoring your bank accounts, hundreds of thousands of databases, and even your home title, looking for trouble before you even see it. And if something does go wrong, you get unlimited recovery services with a dedicated specialist who takes over the calls, the paperwork, all of it. Zander also offers up to $2 million in stolen fund protection on the family plan. And your kids are covered at extra cost. Identity Theft Protection from Xander is about knowing someone has your back when life goes sideways. Go to xander.com or call 1-800-356-4282 and protect your family with identity theft protection today. That's Xander. Z a n d r.com this show is sponsored by Better Help. I've had some amazing mentors and friends in my life who are also amazing women. My older sister, my mom, my wife. Again, also amazing women. And one of the common themes I've heard from all of them is that between caring for all the people in their lives and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them. They are under incredible pressure every day from all angles. And they're often encouraged to overlook their own emotional well being, to care for everybody else, to make sure everybody else is okay. Listen. Therapy offers a space for women to learn how to create some sort of balance set Healthy boundaries and support overall well being for themselves. To do this, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And with over 30,000 therapists, they have the right person just for you. And if the first therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Listen, your emotional well being matters. Find support in therapy. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's better help. H lp.com DeLoney Los Angeles, California let's talk to Joseph. Hey Joseph. What's up, man?

[Caller]

Hey, Dr. John. How are you?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm good, my brother. What's up with you?

[Caller]

Hey man, I'm good. Appreciate you having me on for sure, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's up?

[Caller]

Hey, calling for some advice and just kind of your thoughts on best next steps here. My wife and I can't seem to align kind of financially, money, you know, things that we need versus wants in our life and so forth. So I'm just calling to kind of get some advice here, man.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I appreciate the call almost. In my experience, I've talked to thousands of people about their marriages and their money. Okay. Almost all the time. Money misalignment is not the problem. It's reflective of value. Misalignment, sure. We're on different pages about how we want our life to look and go. Tell me about that in your house.

[Caller]

A hundred percent. So I, I always say I don't need much roof over our head. Food on the table. Right. We've got three young, three kids at home, 12, nine and seven. So certainly in the thick of it there. And I, it's almost like, I think, I feel like you're exactly right, but I'm just having a hard time being able to really sit down and have an open conversation about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, so with her, what makes you anxious about money?

[Caller]

So just thinking about the future, right. We live in one of the most expensive parts of the world, which. Cute, big factor, right? But just aligning on, you know, what kind of cars do we need versus want, right? We, we obviously we're renting a home right now. Obviously I want to buy a house, but buying a house in, in Southern California isn't, isn't the big investment, right? You've got to have a lot of cash down payment, you know, and all

[Dr. John DeLoney]

ready out of the gate. You've given me two proxy wars. You haven't given me the Value. Which is because. Because here's what's going to happen. You're going to say, dude, we don't need that car. And she's going to say, yes, we do. We have three kids. I need this car that's this big, that's this safe. And you're going to say, no, we don't. We can do this one. And what you're really fighting out is, I don't feel safe when we owe people money.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't feel safe when I'm driving a car that might break down at any moment. We can solve that problem together because we both care deeply about each other's safety. And often when you have three kids and everybody's working hard and the house is bustling and moving and going, there's also this nagging sense that this life that I wanted so bad, that I worked so hard for, that I prayed for, even if you're a person of faith, like, I got exactly what I want, it doesn't feel like I thought it would feel. And so then we both peel off and go our own directions, trying to capture feelings. I'm going to buy a new car. I'm going to buy new clothes. I'll make sure my kids have these shoes and this haircut. Or I'm going to not spend anything. And I'm going to always be looking at homes even though I can't afford them. And I'm going to always be worrying about the stock market. I'm going to worry about crypto. I'm going to worry about all the stuff that I can't even. That just isn't even real.

[Caller]

Right. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you end up. You've heard me say this a million times. You end up 6 inches apart from each other on the couch, but you're 6, 000 miles away from each other.

[Caller]

Yeah. And that's what it's starting to feel like for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so there's something like whenever a couple's having money disagreements like this, I always think it's an amazing moment to clear the deck and to literally go back to square one and say, hey, we accidentally, without meaning to have cycled through like four different marriages in the past 10 years, and let's call it out and let's get away for half a day and clear the deck and say, what kind of world do we want to co create together?

[Caller]

Yeah. We try to have conversations open like that, but I feel like the walls are up. Definitely with some resentment. You know, it's with you or with her. Well, a little Bit of both now, I would say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, tell me about that.

[Caller]

So this all stems back. Excuse me. So, took a job in 2015. I was one of the first employees at a tech company, nationwide tech company. And obviously, being the first employee, there's a little sweat equity that you put in, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A little. A lot.

[Caller]

Yeah, a lot of sweat equity. So 10 years later, I've got some good equity in the company. I feel like I make a good salary and I'm taken care of. Obviously not as well as I would like. Right. But everybody wants to make more money. And when I took the job, I did not consult with my wife, so I know that I was wrong. And we've worked through that and talked through that. I've apologized and have done a lot of work on myself over the last 10 years on being open and communicating. And it's us, right? And now that where we're at now where, you know, finances are really tight. Kids, all the kids are in school, you know, full time, first, third and seventh grade. Like, hey, babe, you know, your kids are in school full time. You know, thank God she was fortunate. She was able to stay at home with them when they were younger, which is really important to us for her to raise our babies. And now that it's like, kids are in school full time, hey, you know, I'm working. I started a little side hustle to make some extra money. Like, what. What do you think you can do, you know, to help out on the income side with the family, you know, and, you know, sometimes it's, well, you're the man. You need to be able to provide. You need to look at another job you need to make. Making more money is the solution. I'm like, I don't think it's not the solution. Like, there's bigger issues that we need to get to the bottom to resolve so we can move forward. Because it's like, you get more money, more money, more problems, right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sometimes. Sometimes you get more money, more margin. But I. I'm hearing you even ask that question to her. And how I would hear that question is, all right, now that you're done playing with the kids all day, are you going to actually do something to contribute?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And now in A, no way in the, in the world. Is that what you're saying?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But when you come at it as I chose this job, one that I found out, A, I did it behind your back, and B, you didn't want me to take it anyway, and you feel like you've made a decade worth of sacrifices and we've scratched and clawed to get here. When your last kid went to school, I can imagine her saying, finally.

[Caller]

Ah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you are also thinking finally. Right. But your finally's are the same word, but they're two totally different pictures.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it about your salary that she doesn't think is enough?

[Caller]

Well, just covering the. The needs and wants for our family. So with cars and, you know, rent and just. Just everything. So basically we're living paycheck to paycheck. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How much. How much do you make a year?

[Caller]

I made $210,000 last year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's not enough.

[Caller]

And that's the battle with me is I'm like, it's not about the money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's. But hold on. That's a lot of money. Even in the most expensive part of the. Of the country. That's a good salary.

[Caller]

Sure. And it's. My job is very flexible. I can, you know, I can be dad. I coach baseball. You know, I'm involved in my kid's life and it's like, yeah, but that's not.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Again, you're talking about salary. She's talking about, I'm not happy in my life.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all need to get to that.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

I've been trying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Have you said, hey, I love you enough to ask you a hard question? I don't feel like you're happy with me. I don't feel like you're happy with our life.

[Caller]

I have tried and, you know, the, the conversations get heated.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know, how much y' all owe?

[Caller]

So we are. Oh, we probably have over almost 200 grand in debt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, God. Well, I take back everything I just said. What are you borrowing money on, man?

[Caller]

So credit cards, cars. We got a couple cars. You know, it's.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So y' all are. You make an incredible salary and y' all are broke.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

So we talk. We talk about vacations and I'm just like, in my head, I'm like, what they like how you know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so neither of y' all are living in reality. So I'm gonna change this from a this would be a great time to get away for half day conversation. And this is a your house is on fire conversation.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cuz either you or her or the combination of both of you are spinning y' all into a big bad mess because you're one phone call, one email, one Friday afternoon at 4 o' clock meeting away from this whole house of cards coming down on you.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She needs to hear that.

[Caller]

So the Response has been, you know, you just need to make more money.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And that's what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That is a. That is a response not based in reality.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I know this because I was just. I just had a conversation with a couple who made like, 70 grand and he made 60 grand or something. And they paid for. They paid off a small house in Southern California, just the two of them making less money than y', all. But they lived real tight for four or five years because their goal was peace. Their goal wasn't, I just want whatever I want whenever I want it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is like, I'm asking this not. I'm not trying to be mean at all. I'm just. I'm. I'm trying to get some data. Okay. Is she. Well.

[Caller]

Well. And that's what I try to say, you know. You know, how do we. I try to approach that conversation, and then, you know, it immediately gets escalated. Yeah. I mean, yeah, she. She as well. But I just. To your point about the reality side, I'm like, we need to live in real life. You know what I mean? Like.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, live on less than you make. Like all of our grandmothers did.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's. That's not a huge sacrifice for y'. All. It will be for a couple of years, because y' all dug yourself a

[Caller]

crazy hole for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, I mean, this is a matter. I mean, you're in a snapshot of history, man, where you make so much stinking money that y' all could be living a pretty peaceful, amazing, wonderful life, kind of driving whatever y' all want, or choosing not to and buying a house. Not on Rodeo Drive, but buying a nice house. Right. Like. Or buying a livable house, even. But there's just such a distance from reality.

[Caller]

Yeah. We've got our kids in private Christian school as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't afford that.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've. Y' all put yourself in a situation where we can't afford to uphold our own values.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

I just. That's. That's the conversation. I feel like. I'm like. I feel like we're just. You're chasing something. Like, you're chasing the next thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, she's chasing not being in her own skin. And that's the conversation that you have to have.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And really, you can't make that conversation happen. The only path you have ahead of you is to put all of your cards on the table, which is I can't, in good conscience, as your husband, as the father of these three kids, continue to live divorced from reality.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We make an incredible salary. And we are broke, broke, broke. And we're doing this to ourselves.

[Caller]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the like. And it might even be like you saying, I need you to stay present. I need this to not escalate. We have to come up with a real plan here. And you all put yourself in a position now where this plan is going to take some significant sacrifice for a few years. And by the way, your kids will not only be better for it, they'll be amazing for it. Watching a couple united say, hey, we're not doing vacations, y'.

[Caller]

All.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y' all are gonna have to make do with this. You get one new pair of shoes instead of four or whatever. We're not going to the every Lakers game or whatever like them. Oh, that stinks, dad. All that is good because they get to watch their mom and dad unite and do something amazing and set their family free.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You know what I mean?

[Caller]

100.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But it might also be you putting on the table, Honey, I'm so serious about this. I'll quit this job and we can move. I just can't live like this anymore. You're a hundred percent leveraged with no assets. In fact, part of what you're leveraged on is depreciating assets. The car payment stays the same, and those cars lose value every day.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'll tell you, you're an incredibly fragile financial position, even though you make a bunch of money.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so putting that fear on the table and saying, I'm scared to death, and I can't. We. We can't keep going like this.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've heard me say this a million times on the show. Somebody has to. And I'm calling on you, brother. Turn the lights on, turn the music off, and stop the dance. I'm going to give you every dollar, which I think it's the budgeting app my wife and I use. Right. And I'll give it to you for a year, the premium one, so you can have a tool.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll give you Financial Peace University. I work here at Ramsey Solutions, and that's their flagship product. I'll send it to you. She probably won't watch the videos with you, but I'll at least send it to you.

[Caller]

You know what's funny is we did financial peace probably 11, 12 years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So what if you sat down and said, I, as the guy who's makes the money in the house, I've let us down. Just take it all, own it all, even though it's not yours. Take, like, as Jocko says, extreme ownership. I'll take it.

[Caller]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've let us get into a situation. I went and bought a stupid car that I couldn't afford. I've spent this. I've spent this. And I haven't said how dire our situation actually is. We're a hundred percent leveraged, right? Are you in? Will you join me in having peace in this house? And. And here's the thing, brother. She might look at you and say no. And if you're worried about this conversation revealing the state of your relationship, I want you to know it's already been revealed. What you're looking at now is not trying to avoid an explosion. It's exploded. What you're trying to do is to come up with an architectural design to rebuild this thing.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But this isn't the this. There will come a time, and we got to sit down in front of an Excel sheet and sit down in front of the Every Dollar app in front of the budget. This isn't this conversation. This is. Honey, I'm scared to death, and I have to stop a train.

[Caller]

Yeah,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

fair.

[Caller]

100%.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'll walk with you any way I can, brother. And if she wants to call, if y' all both want to call me back to how to navigate this, I'm with you. Okay.

[Caller]

I appreciate it. Thanks so much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, man. Hang on the line. We'll get you hooked up with these free tools.

[Caller]

All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thanks for calling, my man.

[Caller]

All right, thanks,

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Kelly. This is family after family after family after family after family.

[Kelly]

I know we see it all the time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This sounds crazy, what I'm about to say, but if a couple sits down and says, We're 200 grand in the. In debt, or I just found out that my husband. Fill in the blank. I'm more worried about this other couple than I am about the person who. The couple that experienced infidelity if they want to work on it. Oh, I agree with that because it's so illuminating on how disconnected from reality we are. Man, that's tough, tough, tough. All right. When we come back, a man asks how to balance being an extrovert after recently marrying an introvert. We'll be right back. All right. Spring is here, and we are heading into summer. And what does that mean in the Deloney House? Fishing season. And what does fishing season mean? The Montana Knife Company knives are still in full effect. Why? Because they're incredible. I love them. My family loves them. My friends who are outdoorsmen, they love them.

[Caller]

Why?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because Montana Knife Company knives are Made by real hunters, real fishermen, real ranchers, real men and women who go outside and do hard things. And when I get back home, I use the Montana Knife Company knives in the kitchen. The incredible chef's knives. Why? Because they're also amazing. They're razor sharp right out of the box, and they are tough enough to be used every single day. But here's what really sells me on Montana Knife Company knives. They stand behind their work for life. When your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Company and they will take care of the repairs and ship them back to you. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids will fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last from an amazing company, great. Go to montana knife company.com and see what's available. Right now, that's montana knife company.com. all right, Columbus, Ohio, let's talk to Adam. What's up, Adam?

[Caller]

Hey, John, thanks so much for taking my call and question today. I'm excited to be here. Slash, a little nervous, I'm not going to lie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. Excellent. Well, you've heard me trying to even introduce this call. We had, like, 15 takes on it that Kelly graciously edited out, so I'm nervous, too, obviously. So glad you're here, brother. What's up?

[Caller]

Awesome. So, you know, my wife and I recently got married, and, you know, I. I feel like there's no perfect person out there, but there's a perfect person for you, and I feel like I found that person. But our. We have a personality difference. You know, she's very much an introvert. I'm very much an extrovert. And sometimes those things, you know, will clash. And so, you know, like, for example, you know, there's times where I'll come home and, you know, I'm excited to see her. I'll see her in the house, I'll run up to her, give her a big hug, and she's kind of got, like, that standoff, you know, kind of a feeling or vibe. And I'm like, well, this is, like, super weird and uncomfortable. And she's like, you know what? Your energy is just too much right now. She's a nurse, you know, during the day, and so she exhausts a lot of energy with her patients and coworkers, what have you. And, you know, sometimes at home, it's just. It's hard to, you know, find that balance because of it. And so, like, I'm just Trying to find, like, a good balance without changing who I am to, like, accommodate her needs, you know? I love this introvert.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you guys?

[Caller]

I'm 42 and she's 36.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

First marriage or second marriage?

[Caller]

Second marriage.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Second marriage. Okay. And for her, too.

[Caller]

Her two.

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right, cool. So a. I want to dispel a myth. Okay. Introversion and extroversion. All that really is referring to is some people get energy from small focus groups of people, some get energy from big groups of people. Has nothing to do with bombing in the house. Like, what's up? Which you probably can tell is how I usually enter the house.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if I do that regularly, I will see my wife curled up in the ball, like, ah, too much.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So totally get this one. Um, I can tell you I have a simple solution for this, but I want to make sure there's not something beneath this thing. How long have you all been married?

[Caller]

Oh, about two months. We've been together for about five years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

You know, just married for two months.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have you all been living together for five years? Or if you are y' all still trying to, like, move in, like, try to figure out how to do life together?

[Caller]

Yeah.

So we recently bought a house a few months ago together. But we know, had our separate places. But then, like, you know, I. Of course, I would say the night over there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller]

You know, maybe a handful of nights. So, you know, this is really, like, the first time, like, full time, where.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

You know, we're together. You know we're together, and, you know.

Yeah, perfect.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So. And I hate to be reductive. Okay.

[Caller]

Uhhuh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But so much of this can be reduced to simply, how can I love you when I get home?

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I wish it wasn't that way, but it's. It's. It's you asking ahead of time, knowing what I'm walking into and saying. I'm super excited to be home. I am all fired up. And the best way I can love her right now.

[Caller]

Huh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is to walk in and say, I'm so happy to see you. Give her a kiss on the forehead, and then burn some of that energy putting your stuff away. Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And, you know, I. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It also is. How can I love if she'll ask back? How can I love you today? I had a pretty awesome day. I'm pretty fired up. Can we dance after dinner? Can we go for a walk after dinner?

[Caller]

Yeah, sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do you feel? Like a crazy sex night. Like. Like it's you putting it's not like you bury yourself. But often I have found in my own house and other. In other conversations with couples like this, it's less about her not wanting to be with you or not wanting to go for a walk or. Or dance. It is the. The. Like she said, the emotional energy coming through that door is every defense says, duck, move, hide.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Caller]

Uhhuh.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if she's got some time to prepare for it. Sweet. Yeah, I love being with him. That's great.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

Because, you know, I even joked about, like, having this board at home, like. Like an emoji board. So when I come in, she would have, like, this, like, hey, let's figure out, like, your emotions, how you're feeling, and, you know, put up the emoji so I know when you're going through when I'm coming to that door. Okay. You have that, like, you know, the red face. So I know you're a little frustrated from work or you got a happy face, you're feeling good kind of a thing, you know, But. But I. I hear what you're saying. I think that's. I think that's spot on.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it might also be. It might also be. I mean, I'll make this super personal. I've had to develop. Hey, how can I love you when I get home? What's your picture of tonight look like? Sometimes I'll call somebody and meet him for coffee and burn some of that off. Sometimes I'll come straight home, change my clothes, and go work out.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I'm a lot sometimes.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And I don't. I. As much as I would like this, the reality is she can't carry that. It's not her job. And it's the same way it's not your job to carry her. She's been a nurse all day. She's touched out. She had to tell a family that their kids real sick. Like, you can't carry that either. So both of you need to have strategies for how do I show up for my spouse, show up for myself at home after whatever day we had? And that starts with just recognizing what kind of day I had. Right. Which you can recognize when somebody says, how can I love you tonight?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

No, I think you're spot on. It's just sometimes I feel like it's.

It's hard.

It's one of those things that's, like, really hard to, like, remind myself when I come through the door.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know.

[Caller]

And obviously it's not every day, but it's like, it's hard to like when you get excited to see that person, you know, but it's like at the same time, I don't want to take what could be a great evening to allow the evening because, you know, my excitement at the beginning kind of set the tone for the rest of the night.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, but also, here's the thing. You also get to choose whether her saying, whoa, you're a lot right now. Is that her rejecting you and now you've got to go through your whole rejection protocol or is that her saying, here's how you can love me right now?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because the whole night doesn't have to be ruined if she puts up her hand and goes, whoa, so much. Can we just hug?

[Caller]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you hug. It doesn't have to be. She doesn't love me. She never does this. She always.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It can like and go down your whole, nobody loves me. It's going to end up just like my first marriage. And you know what I'm talking about, right? It just, it's a roller coaster that just goes. You don't have to get on that roller coaster.

[Caller]

Do you feel like she. She deals with anxiety and I feel like she's done a great job managing it, but, you know, it surfaces from time to time and, you know, I mean, do you feel like that could

be part of it as well?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I mean, of course I'll sit. I'm going to send you all two things I'm going to send you. I'll send you a copy of Building a non anxious Life, which a book I wrote and you all could read it together as kind of a guide for.

[Caller]

Oh, that's cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do we want to build a house that is peace centric. Right. And I've done first responder jobs and I get being at home and also I'm a lot. But dude, when I'm a lot and I've been through a lot, dude, I can be tough to be around.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so, yeah, it'll give you some tools, both of y', all, how to A, ask for the home y' all want to co create together and B, give you some tools on how to get there. But I'm also going to send you the Together app. I think this is perfect for y'. All.

[Caller]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's a daily. It's a daily challenge that each of you have that's a bid towards the other person. It's a microhabit for how do we build a better marriage together? And I'll send that to you for Free for a year also.

[Caller]

Oh, that's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But here's. Here's the deal. I appreciate y' all are newlyweds, and I know y' all have been through this rodeo before, but y' all never been through this rodeo, right? And so every weird. Your body's got a GPS pin. In the last fights you had with your exes, your last. The breakups, the. All your body's got GPS pins in there. And it's gonna make every emotional challenge that y' all experience, which is totally normal. It's gonna make it feel outsized and bigger.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean, it's. It's definitely. It's definitely scary because, like, I know, like, for me, you know, personally, like, I feel like, you know, I don't want to screw this up again or I don't wanna.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go.

[Caller]

You know, I want to be, you know, I was young, you know, I was. I 23 when I first got married.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And, you know, and I was super young. And now I'm like, you know, I'm ready to, you know, I don't think take it more seriously, but just be more self aware of certain things and perfect.

You know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Perfect.

[Caller]

You know what I mean?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Asking how can I love you when I get home?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or what's your picture of tonight look like? Those two questions my wife and I ask every day of our lives. And it's. It's her being able to say, I had a crazy one today. And, you know, sweet. I'm gonna swing by and grab flowers.

[Caller]

Yeah. And awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna listen to old punk rock music and get all that. I'm sink top of my lungs. So that when I walk in the door, I'm present because I want to love her.

[Caller]

Well, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that. And you can't do that every single time. Sometimes there's got to be give and take. Right. She's got to be able to. You got to be able to say, how could I love you today? And you'd be like, dud, day was crazy. And she's got to be able to say, cool, I've got 45 minutes to gear up.

[Caller]

Yeah, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or to have the courage to say, hey, today's just a bad day for that. And you go, cool. Not going to. Not going to go to rejection. Not. Not going to go to. I'm failing as a husband again. But to be able to go, sweet. Now I get to love her. Well, in this new context.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, bro, that just takes practice.

[Caller]

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Practice. You're not a bad guy. It's like we make it a character and moral issue so fast. It's just practice. Practice.

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, you know, in the times where, you know, I do feel like, you know, I am too much, I

could tell it, like, just totally pissed her off.

And, you know, of course I feel guilty. I mean, what's a good way to just respond and be like. And own up to it and just be like, man, I'm. I'm sorry for my energy. Or, you know, I mean, what's a good way to handle that? So, like, she understands, like, I'm genuine. You know, I totally self reflected. I'm like, I realized I just screwed up and, you know, I'm sorry kind

[Dr. John DeLoney]

of a thing, because super, super simple. Let me tell you, by the way. Super simple, but hard to do.

[Caller]

Okay. All right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This from my buddy Jefferson Fisher taught me this. Number one, if you say something that's too much, simply say, can I try that again?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I say that in a different way? Literally, that simple.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And say, instead of walking in the door being like, what, like, finishing the rap lyric, you were just singing in the car and yelling like, what's up? Hey, can I do that again? Hey, I'm happy to see you. It's good. And you'll both laugh, and she'll drop her shoulders, and then y' all can hug.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The second is. And I've done this in my own house. I've literally. And it's been a. It's. Joe, I'm joking when I do this, right? We're laughing, but. And she might not be laughing, but I am. Hey, I'm gonna go back to the car and start my entrance over again. Hang on. And I'll literally walk back out, close the. The little entryway door between my garage and my house and open it back up and say, honey, I'm home. I'm happy to see you. Right? And she'll throw something at me and we'll laugh and. But it. Or whatever. But it's just a way of saying, I just caught myself. I'm gonna run this one back.

[Caller]

I like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what you'll do if you do it a couple of times. If she's on the same team as you, she'll catch herself when you come home. Joyful. And she's like, just stop for a second. She'll be like, hey, can I do that one again? Right?

[Caller]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the deal. Y' all are shooting free throws for the first time. You're Practicing. You're not bad people.

[Caller]

Yeah, sure, you're trying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're taking another run at the most important relationship of your life as middle aged adults, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Give yourself some grace. Give her some grace and give y' all some grace.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's awesome.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, I. I like the fact that you're making this call. Tells me you're on the right track. I think that's amazing. And if you see her anxious, if you see her struggling with anxiety, asking, how can I love you right now? You might get met with, I don't know. But if y' all have had that, hey, what do we want our house to feel like? Conversation. You'll have a bank of things you can do. All right, cool. I'm gonna go get the laundry started. Even though y' all have agreed in this season, she does the laundry and you do the dishes or whatever. I'm gonna go ahead and knock that out. I'm gonna walk in every morning and I'm gonna grab her a cup of coffee just for her. I'm gonna set the tone early, even if I have to get up five minutes earlier than I normally do. Go make the coffee. Bring her coffee in the way she likes it. I'm going to set the tone as early as possible. I'm super happy that we're together. And then sometimes it's as nuts and bolts as. All right, I get I'm a lot. But I want you to say hi. That's just human decency. And she'll go, you're right. Sorry. You're right. I'll say hi. But if you're screaming and singing, that's too much. Got it. How can we both love each other? It's awesome. Hand on the line, brother. I'll hook you up with these tools. I think you all in the right spot. And if she ever wants to call the show, I'd love to talk to her, man. That'd be awesome. We'll be right back. Hey, what's up? It's Deloney. We are in the last week of Lent right now. And whether you grew up with that tradition or you're just trying to get your head and your heart back on straight this season, there's something I want you to check out. It's called Hallow. It's the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world. And honestly, it's become one of my most important go tos for my morning routine. Anchoring my day in prayer helps me slow down and prioritize what matters to me most before the world. Takes me by the ear and drags me through it. Right now, we're in the middle of Hallow's Lint Pray 40 challenge. And if you've given something up for lint and you're barely hanging on, or if you want to learn what this whole lint thing is all about, this challenge is for you. Hallow is loaded with daily reflections, scripture, music, and special series to help you anchor your faith practice. And you can try Hallow for free for three whole months only through my link. Go to hallow.com deloney and sign up for free today. That's Hallow H A l l o w.com Deloney for three months for free. All right, Kelly, what's up?

[Kelly]

All right. So wanted to ask you another question about the together app.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Kelly]

Have you dive in a little bit when one of the things it asks when you do your kind of intake, questions about what stage of life you're in. So would you kind of go through those? Why does it matter? And what are the differences of the stages of life? And when you answer that question, are you going to get different tasks, the micro habits?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, I mean, it's kind of like the show. Like somebody will call and say, hey, me and my spouse aren't on the same page with our sex life. And I'll talk for 10 minutes and then they'll be like, oh, we have four kids under five. And I'm like, just hang up and call back later. Right. Like, of course everything's screwed up in your sex life right now. And so. Or it might be, hey, we're struggling with our finances. We took a call earlier. I make almost quarter million dollars, but I'm almost a quarter million dollars in debt. Or we're struggling with our finances. We make $20,000 a year and we don't have any water. Right. So talking about the stage of life you're in, whether you're empty nesters, whether you are have no kids, whether you have young kids, it sets the stage for the different exercises you're going to get. Because it's no, it doesn't make any sense for y' all to have a dream if y' all are, don't have any. Y' all need to go get some work. Right. So it's going to talk about how do we connect with over money. Or it's, it's real easy. Like you only need to have a date night. We have four kids under five. Right. We have seven minutes to see each other every day. So it, yes, it will definitely direct those activities towards reconnection based on your stage of life. So, yeah, it's, it's just a way for this thing to continue to personalize itself and it will work with you over time, which is awesome. It gets to know you better and better as you do it. So that's awesome. So great question, Kelly.

[Kelly]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You and your good questions.

[Kelly]

Someone has to have some.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Probably could have done without such a deep V shirt. Nice one, Russell Brand, but whatever. Love you guys.

[Caller]

By.