Our Kids Are Destroying Our Sex Life

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Our Kids Are Destroying Our Sex Life
Date: May 8, 2026 (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

This episode features Dr. John Delony tackling caller-driven questions about navigating relationships, intimacy, grief, and boundaries—offering real talk on emotional and mental health. The main theme threads through the complexities of reconciling personal desires with family relationships, from intimacy struggles after having children, to dealing with grief and moving forward after loss, to honoring family while honoring yourself.

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First Segment: Intimacy and Marriage After Kids

Main Call: "Our Kids Are Destroying Our Sex Life"
Caller: Ben from Pittsburgh
Timestamps: 01:25–18:10

Key Discussion Points

Ben’s Situation

• Background: Ben, 30, married 8 years, father of two (4-year-old and 1-year-old).
• Issue: Intimacy and sexual connection has become harder to initiate after their second child. Sex is good, but "getting from A to B is the struggle" (03:12).

The Real Problem

• Dr. John: Challenges the language of ‘communication’ in marriage:

  “Almost always when somebody says, I want to work on my communication in my marriage, what they're asking is, how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do?” (03:12)

• Season of Life: Delony normalizes the struggle, noting the tremendous changes that occur post-children—time, margin, and energy are lost (03:54):

  "You had this thing that you don’t have anymore. Time. Right? You had margin and time and energy. That’s right. There you go. And... everything begins to change.” (04:02)

• "Duty" in Parenting:

  “You had arrows in your home. And now we have a bunch of duty in our home. Right. Like literal duty D, O O D, Y and duty D.” (05:29)

The Default in Sexual Relationships

• Initiation Dynamics:

  “Often the person with the lowest libido is in the driver’s seat.” (05:46)

• Emotional Games: Challenges Ben to “do away with the idea that there is any game whatsoever being played.” (06:53)

  “Often, guys... they have two methods of initiation. Either the boob honk or the butt grab ... so are we doing this tonight or what? We feel like we have this out. Oh, I was just playing. And what we're really trying to avoid there is that sense and feeling of rejection.” (07:12)

Dr. John’s Challenges for Ben

1. Stop Playing Games:
   • Be direct and clear about desires.
   • “Let’s do away with the games. Let's start thinking about how do I directly say, I want you?” (08:25)
2. Express Needs Kindly and Directly:
   • Use specific language, choose time well; "What's a way you can hear it when I tell you I want you?" (08:50)
3. Depersonalize Rejection:
   • Practice not taking a "no" as personal;
   • “Practice choosing to not meditate on ‘I’m being rejected’. To depersonalize it.” (10:47)

Addressing the Mental Load

• Recognizing Invisible Labor:
  • Ben does chores but acknowledges wife’s “mental management” load—planning, remembering, scheduling (11:37).
  • Dr. John shares an example from another couple where writing down the unseen tasks was key:

    “There is a sense of overwhelm with all the things we're thinking about, but it also becomes a sense of identity.” (12:29)

• Identity in Caretaking:
  • Ben notes his wife is "known for being the one who remembers everything" (15:06).

Building a New Marriage

• Moving Forward:

  "The marriage you had your first four years is over, doesn't exist anymore. And so every ounce of energy you spend wishing, I wish we could just get back to... is a use of energy to draw you out of the present." (15:26)

  • Advocates for couples to intentionally co-create a "new marriage" suited for their current life stage.
• Margin for Intimacy: Emphasizes that developing shared systems and shedding old identities creates space for connection and, eventually, renewed intimacy.
• Practical Tool: Offers Ben a "Together app" to nurture daily connection (18:00).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• Dr. John, on the challenge:

  “None of this stuff in the short term may lead to more sex with your wife. It won’t immediately alleviate that problem, but this is a bid in the right direction...” (18:00)

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Second Segment: Grief and Family Transitions

Caller: Janine from Vancouver
Timestamps: 23:39–37:00

Key Discussion Points

Janine’s Background

• Loss: Married almost 30 years, her husband Louie died of Covid; her mother died 5 months later; simultaneously caring for eldest son with health issues (24:11–27:07).
• New Relationship:
  • After grief and failed dating, Janine found love again and is now engaged. All sons accept, except oldest.

The Conflict: Son's Rejection

• Oldest Son: Refuses to accept or acknowledge Janine’s fiancé. Actively avoids joint family events.

• Dr. John’s Guidance:

  • Recognize Limits:

    "There’s nothing, zero things you can do about that particular feeling inside of your son’s chest.” (29:51)

  • Choose Your Hills:
    • Decide which events to insist on partner inclusion and which to attend solo.
    • Suggests not trying to convince or force her son to accept the new partner.

• Emotional Reality:

  “If you let go of the thought that somehow you can do something different and you'll change your son's mind, it will free you from a lot of the hurt, and then you have to deal with just the reality.” (31:35)

Taking Care of the Self vs. Others

• Compassion and Boundaries:
  • Express empathy to son (“I’m sorry you’re hurting, bud. I miss Louie, too.” 33:00).
  • Janine cannot “wear” her son’s grief; can’t be responsible for his healing (34:15)

Practical Advice

• Affirmative Action:
  • Suggests daily gratitude journaling for her new season, rather than being owned by her son’s unresolved grief (34:04).
  • Accept the pain but prioritize own joy and growth (37:01).

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Grief and Identity:

  “Shout out to Louie for 30 awesome years with you, creating four awesome boys. And shout out to you for grieving a really gnarly season and then choosing to reconnect, choosing love, choosing to not be lonely...” (37:01)

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Third Segment: Honor, Boundaries, and Family of Origin

Caller: Frank from Seattle
Timestamps: 39:12–56:23

Key Discussion Points

Frank’s Background

• Conflict: Must decide whether to return home for his father's retirement—worries about family drama, past trauma, and guilt about being a “bad son.”

Navigating Family Patterns

• History: Father prone to public outbursts, unpredictable rage, not physically abusive in public, but home life was stressful and emotionally volatile (41:22).
• Frank’s Growth: Built new, peaceful life in America; reflective about wanting to both honor his parents and guard his "peace." (43:00)

The Real Decision

• Dr. John’s Framing:

  “I think you have one final boss for your healing... and it’s father adjacent. But the final boss is not your father. The final boss is who you are going to be in the face of whatever version of your dad shows up…" (44:56)

• Cultural/Family Pressure: Eldest son duties, family expectation layers.
• Honor vs. Expectation:
  • Focus is not “Will my dad ever say he’s proud of me?” but “Will I be the man I want to be under pressure?”
• Closing the Loop:
  • The real question: "Will I regret not being a guy that could wade through his temper tantrums as an adult... because I don’t trust me?" (52:14)

Practical Steps

• Reflect & Prepare:
  • Write down pressures, distinguish which are real, discuss with spouse, define boundaries and "what must be true" for the trip to work (54:08)
• Ownership:
  • “Own it fully... The choice is not going to be, 'How do I close the loop with him?' It’s going to be, 'How do I close the loop with me?'” (56:23)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Values and Legacy:

  “This is how family trees change…” (44:01)

• On Recognizing Parental Imperfection:

  “Sometimes our best still hurts other people… That doesn’t make it right.” (50:40)

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Final Segment: Navigating Duty and Boundaries with Aging Parents

Listener Email: Joy in Aptos, California
Timestamps: 58:43–62:40

Key Discussion Points

• Question: Is Joy "the problem" for wanting to move away and retire, even though her aging mother is financially unstable and relies on her?
• Dr. John’s Reflection:
  • Feelings are valid; must make a decision she can face in the mirror.
  • “What does honoring your mother look like—and what can you live with?”
  • Careful not to outsource your feelings or identity to someone else’s expectations.

Kelly’s Input

• Encourages examining range of possible responses, not black-and-white thinking; financial help isn’t the only option.

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Episode Highlights & Memorable Moments

• Dr. John (on relationships with small children):

  “You had arrows in your home. And now we have a bunch of duty... literal duty and duty.” (05:29)

• On shifting marriage after kids:

  “The marriage you had your first four years is over, doesn’t exist anymore.” (15:26)

• On boundaries and self-ownership:

  “Own it fully. The choice is... ‘How do I close the loop with me?’” (56:23)

• On honoring parents:

  “Honoring does not mean doing whatever somebody else says.” (62:40)

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Timestamps Index

• 01:25 — Ben's call: Intimacy after kids
• 03:12 — Dr. John reframes "communication" in marriage
• 05:46 — Sex and the “lowest libido in the driver’s seat”
• 06:53 — Direct challenge: stop playing emotional games
• 11:37 — Mental load and invisible labor in couples
• 15:26 — The “old” marriage is gone, must build a new one
• 18:00 — App suggestion for rebuilding connection
• 23:39 — Janine’s call: Grief, new relationship, son’s rejection
• 29:50 — Limits of influencing grown children’s feelings
• 34:04 — Practical tip: gratitude journaling and affirming new season
• 39:12 — Frank’s call: Going home (“honoring parents or protecting peace?”)
• 44:56 — “Final boss” of healing: who do you become under family pressure?
• 52:14 — “Will I regret not being a guy who could wade through…?”
• 54:08 — Advice: Write, reflect, set boundaries, decide who you want to be
• 58:43 — Am I the Problem? Email: Balancing parental duty and personal dreams

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Tone & Style

Dr. John’s approach is frank, compassionate, and occasionally humorous. He is direct but respectful, weaves in his own personal stories, and encourages self-reflection and tailored choices rather than universal prescriptions. Callers are met with both empathy and practical strategies to own their next steps.

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Transcript

[Janine]

Foreign.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is an ad for BetterHelp. If you've ever said, I'm not in a crisis, I don't need therapy, I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get [e-mail] Deloney and save 10%.

[Caller Ben]

Intimacy in our relationship is kind of always being a struggle. It's something we talk about, we communicate about. You know, I think my biggest struggle is I don't necessarily feel like I have a seat at the T. Almost

[Dr. John DeLoney]

always when somebody says I want to work on my communication in my marriage, what they're asking is how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do. What up, what up, what up? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney Show. I'm glad you are here talking about your mental health, your emotional health, your relationships, your marriage, your spiritual life, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. We're going to cut through all the noise, cut through all the scrolling memes and nonsense and all the opinions of everybody everywhere, all that. I'm going to pull up a seat and have a real conversation, two real people talking about real challenges in our lives. If you want to be on the show, click the link in the show notes. Let's go out to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and talk to the Ben. What's up, Ben? How we doing, my man?

[Caller Ben]

I am doing well. Thanks for taking my call. I appreciate your time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You got it, man. What's up?

[Caller Ben]

So I am, I'm 30 years old. I've been married for eight years. I've got two kids, a four year old and a one year old. I would describe intimacy in our relationship as kind of always being a struggle but never being a huge struggle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Intimacy? Are you talking about intimacy? You're talking about sex? Are you talking about just, just overall romantic connection?

[Caller Ben]

So I, the interesting thing is it's not sex, it's kind of connecting A to B, if that makes sense. So getting to sex is kind struggle of ours in terms of the day to day routines. The sex is great, I would say, and obviously sounds silly me saying that, but you know, we've had conversation about that and we've communicated about this concern. But I would say after the birth of our most recent one, the one year old, this has been a bit of, a bit bigger of an issue kind of getting there and it's something we talk about, we communicate about. But you know, I think my biggest struggle is I don't necessarily feel like I have a seat at the table. And what I mean by that is, you know, we talk about it, we acknowledge it's a concern, we acknowledge that it's something we want to work on. But I don't have the same struggles that come with motherhood, you know, breastfeeding, the body image stuff. So, you know, I'm totally aware and understanding that that is a huge sacrifice and a huge part of, you know, my wife's mental health. But I also feel like, you know, I'm still struggling in that, but I don't necessarily feel like I have a se at the table. So I think my question is, how do I approach this, you know, with empathy, love and respect for her, but kind of get my point across, you know, and kind of how do we communicate about that?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So almost always when somebody says we, I want to work on my communication in my marriage. What, what they're asking is how do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do? And so I want to back out of that question. Okay. And we'll get to some practical tips and some practical ways. But I guess the overarching big picture here, I want you to, to, to hear me say is more than likely you're on the tail end of what has been about a four or five year season. And it's frustrating because you. How, how long were y' all married before you had your first kid?

[Caller Ben]

About four years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, So y', all, you have a very real picture of life with your wife before you had kids, right? You could do what you wanted whenever you wanted. Y' all could navigate struggles and yada, yada. And. But you had this thing that you don't have anymore. Time. Right? You had margin and time and energy. That's right. There you go. And. Yeah, second one. Energy. Yeah, good, good addition there. And so then she gets pregnant and there's excitement and then everything begins to change. And then you have a kid who is what, two and a half? And then she gets pregnant again. So she's got a toddler and she's pregnant, going through the. All those changes again, right? Internal and external changes. And then you have this kid and now you have a four year old and a one year old and you have a woman who's looking at you saying, I, I don't even know what day it is. I. My body's not mine. It's a jungle gym. Right, that's fair. And I can't handle any more touch. And you're looking at this as it's been five years since I had that woman who we had time, and we had energy and we had spontaneity and we had arrows in our home. And now we have a bunch of duty in our home. Right. Like literal duty D, O O D, Y and duty D. Right. And so what I want to tell you is this season is about to come to an end unless y' all decide to have another kid. So it does feel like this is going to be the way it always is going to be. I want to tell you, 23 years into this thing, it's not. Okay. But I do want to honor where you feel right now. And I think your question about why do I not have a seat at the table? Meaning this is kind of common knowledge among marriage therapists and among people who study sexuality, and that is often the person with the lowest libido has. The driver is in the driver's seat. Right?

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because their. Their partner would. Would do it whenever they wanted. Right. And this person's saying, we're gonna do it on my schedule. And that can feel isolating and lonely on your side of it. Right? Yeah. So you told me when y' all do have sex, it's great. Talk to me about what you mean, getting from A to B.

[Caller Ben]

Well, I. I think I'm a bit. I'm a bit in my head at times because, you know, I. I don't want to say it feels like a game, but in some ways, it feels like I'm like, are the stars aligned? Can I do something? Can I not do something? Is now, you know? And so I think the struggle is when I get into my own way in that regard, I think she realizes it, and then it, you know, it kind of nips it in the butt at that point. So I think getting from A to B in terms of, like, how do

[Caller Frank]

we

[Caller Ben]

initiate physical intimacy? And it doesn't even necessarily have to be sex, but that leads down that path, um, because I think it's. I'm playing the game, like, how she feeling? What can I do? And, you know, so I think connecting. I don't. Maybe I'm not articulating my sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're articulating it perfectly. Okay. So I want to challenge you. Is that cool? Not in a. You're messing anything up. But I want to. I want to set a series of challenges in front of you. Okay. I want you to, like, completely do away with. Dismantle the idea that there is any game whatsoever being played. Okay. Let's. Let's get. Because here's. Here's what games Do. Well, let me say it like this. Often, guys, men, they have two methods of initiation. Either the boob honk or the butt grab. Right. The brush up against. Right. Or the. The joking kind of. So are we doing this tonight or what? And they do it in a way that if they're shut down or if tonight's not a good night, or if they, you know, grab their wife's butt while they're walking through the kitchen or whatever, and she swats it away and she goes, stop.

[Janine]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We. We feel like we have this out. Oh, I was just playing. And what we're really trying to avoid there is the sense and feeling of rejection. Because when I walk up and say, I want to be with you tonight, and she says, I'm too tired for most men, that hurts so deeply because what we're really saying is, do you want me? Do you like me? Do you like being with me? Right.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so we have all these games. We do all this. This maneuvering, this kind of sideways stuff. And. And a, it's a total turnoff, and B, we feel like it's protecting us, but it's not. And so, like, challenge number one is let's commit to stop trying to make this all a game. And what that means is the next challenge is commit to just saying what you want. And saying what you want revolves or, like, involves saying what you want in a compassionate, kind way. Saying what you want at the right time in a language she can hear. Right. If she's breastfeeding a baby and also trying to change a diaper, and she's like, right, like, doing all this stuff, and you're like, are we doing this or what tonight? Not a good time. Right. And if she has said, I don't like the way you jokingly do this, then say, okay, cool. What's a way that you feel loved when I want. Like, what's a way you can hear it when I tell you I want you. Right. And she might say, I just assume. You always do. And that's not a true assumption. That's a story she made up. Right? But let's do away with the games. Let's start thinking about how do I directly say, I want you? And here's the third one. And this one's going to be a thing that you have to work on, not her. And it feels like it's her job, and it's not. Does this woman love you?

[Caller Ben]

She does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Do you think she is trying to starve you out sexually because she doesn't like you or she's trying to use it as, like, something, like, to a way to retain power in your. In your marriage.

[Caller Ben]

No, I genuinely don't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, awesome. Perfect. So I want you to begin to practice. And it's just a practice. It's not a moral issue. A character shoots a skill set. Practice putting it out on the table. I would like to be with you tonight. Want to have sex tonight. I want to make out tonight. I want to cuddle tonight. Whatever and. Or whatever. Funny ways y' all h. What words y' all use. Right? Every couple has their own little language. And then I want you to practice choosing to not meditate on. I'm being rejected. To depersonalize it. Does that make sense?

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's really hard. But if you can lean in and say, this isn't a rejection of me. This isn't a rejection of her wanting me. This is her saying with all honesty and integrity, I'm cooked. I'm fried. I'm exhausted, then you can then say, okay, how can I love you right now? Right? You can stay in the. You can stay in it. In. Inside that little exclusive club of membership to that y' all have co created together. And all of this is hard because at the end of the day, you want to have sex with your wife. Right. And that doesn't make you crazy or weird or whatever. Now, let me ask you a bigger question. I'm confident y' all have probably already had these conversations, but what is she carrying, experiencing on a daily basis that you could step in and take a huge load off? For her,

[Caller Ben]

the mental management of the house is a, Is a. Because I, I, I'm pretty good at doing physical stuff. You know, I'll do the dishes, I clean the house.

[Caller Frank]

I do all that stuff.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome. Shout out. Hey, shout out to you, brother. Shout out. Good job. Like, I'm proud of you for that.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah, I think that stuff comes easy to me, but she is a better thinker, more analytical than me. So, you know, we joked the other day that I said something that needed done before her, and it was a big celebration on my end because that never happens. But I think that's a huge draw of energy for her is. Is the mental management of the home. So I think stepping into that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so I was, I was recently sitting with a couple behind closed doors, and actually I went over to their house. They called me and said, hey, would you come over and talk to us? And I was sitting with them in their house, and we were having a similar discussion. They've got, like, 50, not 50 kids. They got more than two and anything more than three for me is 50. And they had several kids. And she was talking about this very thing. I'm carrying so much in my head all day long. And then when he comes and says, hey, are we doing it tonight? Feels like the feather on top of like the load I'm carrying that finally just breaks the camel's back, right? And I asked her, I said, hey, would you be willing to write down the things that you're carrying in your mind? The doctor's appointments, the schedules, the we're going to about to run out of diapers, the I've got to go to this appointment, I got to do this checkup. I said, would you be willing to write those things down and share that with him and see what of that list he could take from for you? And she got real quiet and she said something really powerful. She said, then what will my job be? And I found this over and over and over again, which is there is a sense of overwhelm with all the things we're thinking about, but it also becomes a sense of identity. And so she'll have a role to play here too, which is, will you do. Will you love me in a way to write down the things that you are spiraling about. You can text them to me one at a time, you can put them in a notes app, you can carry a little notebook with you. Would you be willing to write these things down and for five minutes a night share them with me and see what I can carry? Sometimes it's as simple as I'm going to put all of the schedules on a piece of paper, we're going to print it out on the computer and we're going to put it on the refrigerator so that I will always know who our kids dentist is, who the doctors are, what time school starts, what time pickup is for daycare, all that stuff. But she's going to have to release some of that out into the wild and give you an opportunity to show up. And if you've not shown up before in the past, I get the reluctance, but it sounds like you're a guy who, like, man, if I can see it on a piece of paper, I'll knock it out. I want to be, I want to be more than a team player. I. I want to take ownership of everything in this house while she's carrying this other significant burden. Right. And so would she be willing to offload some of that spinning stuff that's going on in her mind?

[Caller Ben]

I think she would if we, if we had an open, you know, an open dialog and conversation about it. That is interesting. You mentioned about the identity though. I do want to, you know, make sure I love her and that because that is something she's known for almost to a joking sense with all of our family and friends and, you know, so. What?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Known for what at all?

[Caller Ben]

Well, no, known for being the one who remembers everything. You know, all the birth. A card goes out for everybody's birthday every single time. You know, that kind of stuff. She's just, she always, she's really good at showing up every single time for everything in like an intentional way. And so I just want to make sure that I, you know, respect that for her too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I love that. And this is, this is the, the big picture thing here, okay? The marriage you had your first four years is over, doesn't exist anymore. And so every ounce of energy you spend wishing, I wish we could just get back to why can't we Just like we used to. All that any, any time spent ruminating on that is a, is a, a use of energy to draw you out of the present and to hamper moving forward. That's for you and for her. So if her whole identity has been forever, I'm going to be. I will. No one I love will ever have a birthday without getting a card from me. She's a new person too. And it may be that in this season I'm going to send an email reminder. Is that as personal? No. Is that what she's known for? No. Is that as cool? No. But my husband and my marriage, and after my marriage, my kids, they come first now. And so what, what has to happen here is y' all get, y' all get away for half a day. And it would be really rad if you brother went and made the arrangements for childcare for half a day. And y' all had the conversation that starts with, we have a brand new marriage and we can make it look however we want. We get to decide and we're gonna put us first and then we're going to put the kids and then we're going to put everything else. And that's going to be a season of grief. Like, I used to be this guy, I used to be this woman. Cool. Those days are over. We had kids, we have each other. Who do we want to be now and what can we do together to build whatever we want to move forward? I'll never forget my wife and I, we were sitting at the table trying to decide whether we were going to stay married or not. After hours of talking, it was. We were laugh crying. And one of us. I think it was her, maybe me. But one of us said, well, I guessed. I guess since we've chosen a crappy marriage, we could choose to. To have a great one. And that was the light. That was the. The light bulb that came on at the end of a very dark tunnel, which was like, oh, I guess we could choose to do something awesome. But Hollywood didn't set us up for that level of intentionality. The busyness of every day doesn't set us up for that level of intentionality. And then the constant feeling of, I just want to be with my wife and feeling rejected when really she's not rejecting you. She's just exhausted. Right. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller Ben]

Yeah, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I be honest with you? Just, just, just, just me and you at the table, sharing a beer in front of a couple million people. None of this stuff in the short term may lead to more sex with your wife. Okay? It, it won't immediately alleviate that problem, but this is a bid in the right direction, a new direction that will, over time, create margin. And in that margin, the exhaustion, the energy that feel like, I don't have any time in that space, then y' all can decide how y' all want to spend that time and energy that you've now found. And almost always, it's, It's. It's, hey, I want to be together more. Cool. Hey, I'm gonna hook you all up with the together app. It's going to radically transform your marriage. After you have these conversations, it will just give you a thing to do every day towards her and give her a thing to do every day towards you. And y' all can both say, I don't have time. I have the energy. If you don't have two minutes for each other or six minutes for each other or 20 minutes for each other, your marriage has bigger issues. You do, but this stops you and says, all right, I'm going to do this one thing towards my spouse. So hang on the line here. I'll hook you up with it free for a year, and both you and your wife can log into it. And if she don't want to do it, you can do it by yourself. One player mode. It's awesome. Hang on the line here. Thanks for the call, brother. I've got, I, I, I've got high hopes for you. Your marriage in this incredible, exclusive club y' all two have created called intimacy. Moving into the future. We come back, a woman asks how to handle her son rejecting her new relationship after she was widowed. A lot of people I talk to are doing the right things. They're working hard to build routines. They're working hard to set boundaries in their relationships. They're trying to create this non anxious life that I'm always talking about. 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Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney. Your digital privacy is worth it. Most of the stuff on supplement shelves at your local grocery store is garbage. They're shiny labels with zero substance. I've never played that game. I'm not playing that game now. And neither is Thorne. I've been taking Thorn supplements for years, way before I had a show. Because when it comes to my mind, in my body, I don't mess around. I use Thorn. I use them for sleep, for performance, and for keeping my brain and my body on track. Whether you're a serious athlete, a mom on the go, or a dad just trying to show up for his family, you deserve the best. And when it comes to supplements, I want proof, not junk and hype. Most companies outsource production and skimp on testing. And not Thorne. They make every product with evidence, not spin. At their world class facility In South Carolina, 35% of their employees work in quality control. And Thorne rejects 15% of raw materials. Because good enough isn't good enough For Thorne. It's got to be excellent. That's why pro athletes, Olympic teams and more than 60,000 doctors trust Thorne. And that's why I trust them to stop Guessing what's going into your body and take what it actually needs and nothing that it doesn't. Go to thorne.com the letter u/deloney and get 25 off your entire order when you create an account that's T H O r n e thorne.com the letter u/ Deloney. Go get started being healthy. All right, we're back. Hey, listen. This show gets millions and millions and millions of views on all these different platforms. And when I look at the number of people who have subscribed to the show, either on podcast or on social media, Even or on YouTube, it's just a fraction of that total number. If this show is in any way a help to you, a way you can help us that doesn't cost any money, is just to take 2 seconds and subscribe to the show. What? Wherever you're. You're getting this. It makes a difference in the algorithm. It makes a difference for the guests we have on the show, and it makes a difference for your neighbors who are just going to get this show kicked up in their feed. If you'll just take a few seconds and do that. I'm. I'd be super grateful. Even Kelly would be grateful. She's grateful about nothing. All right, let's go out to Vancouver and talk to Janine. Hey, Janine. What's up?

[Janine]

Hi, there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How we doing?

[Janine]

Not too bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That doesn't sound. That doesn't sound convicting. What's up? What's up?

[Janine]

Sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you. Don't be sorry. Don't be sorry. That's. That's very. That's very Canadian of you to. To already be sor.

[Janine]

Yes, absolutely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm glad you're here. What's up?

[Janine]

Yeah, so I was happily married for just shy of 30 years, and unfortunately, my spouse passed away.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. What happened? What happened?

[Janine]

Actually, we both got Covid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, no. He passed away. Of COVID When did he pass away?

[Janine]

Yeah, four and a half years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Four and a half years. What was his name?

[Janine]

His name was Louie.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was he awesome?

[Janine]

He was amazing. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you. Would you honor me? And you don't have to do this. This is. This is purely for me. Will you tell me a funny memory? You have a Louie?

[Janine]

Oh, I have the funniest memory.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What is it?

[Janine]

I still have it on his feeds. He has a dog, Buddy, and he was laying on the floor change fixing the wash machine and. Or the. The dishwasher, and Buddy kept sitting on his face to play with him. And I videotaped the whole thing, and I'm just howling, and it was hilarious. And I actually still have the dog, Buddy. And Buddy is an amazing extension of Lou. He went by Lou the last number of years of his life. And we raised four adult children together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Janine]

And we have four sons. I have four sons now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, can I. Can I tell you thank you for sharing that. That. That makes my day brighter. Thinking of a guy named Louie in Canada trying to fix the washing machine or whatever and having a dog saying, like, what about me? What about me? I love it.

[Janine]

He was just. It was hilarious. I just. I. I'm howling and it's still. And I'm fighting that cough, so you'll have to forgive me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, good. You call cough away, sister. All right. So the great Louie passed away four and a half years ago, and here we are today.

[Janine]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was. I mean, full disclosure, I. Six months or five months after he passed, my mom passed.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, my goodness.

[Janine]

Yeah. No, she had a neurological disorder that took her, and the Lord took her quickly. And. And so. But we ended up having both services two days apart because, you know, everything was just opening and we didn't know if it would close and family was able to travel and such, and so that affected everybody. Right. Not just me, but my boys. They lost their dad, they lost their grandma, and that's a lot of grief.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's an avalanche of grief. Yeah.

[Janine]

Before that. So about three years before that, my oldest son started having grand mal seizures. And so he was living with me at the time that my husband passed. And so I was kind of caring for him at the same time and advocating for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so bring me to the present. What's going on today?

[Janine]

The present. The present today is. Is I. I didn't want to be alone. I was 52 when. When he passed. And I did do some dating and that didn't wind up well. And I went some soul searching and did a. Went to Zambia for a missions trip and came back and. And tried one more site and. And found my now fiance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, gross. You found somebody on a dating site at 56? Awesome. Awesome.

[Janine]

You know, I just. I just know that it. Honestly, it was God that brought us together. We have so much in common. He worked with somebody that my late spouse and I actually were pretty good friends with.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very cool.

[Janine]

They used to work together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me. Tell me what's going on with this engagement?

[Janine]

So we. We've been together actually just on Saturday. It'll be a year we've been together.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Janine]

And we are just inseparable. We're both the same age, we just get along so well. All of my boys have met him. All my boys are on board with him, except for my oldest. My oldest really doesn't want to have much to do with the relationship itself. He. He says he has no problem with him, but we realize it's a problem with us. Yeah, he won't acknowledge us. My oldest, him and his girlfriend had a baby and before, like we would have a get together and at my place and we'd have a get together. Half an hour later I get a message from him. By the way, I don't want him out the shower.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha.

[Janine]

By the way. Oh, we have baseball this weekend because my boys play golf together. My oldest and youngest. Oh, I don't want him at baseball. Well, it's a public event. You can't say when somebody can show up.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, he can't say that. He can't, but he can say I don't want him to.

[Janine]

Well, he can. I guess he. Yes, he, he can. He can say what he'd like, but.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right, it's a. What, what it sounds like you're faced with is this you. The story I'm gonna make up here is that your son doesn't want to. Can't. Whatever words you want to use, metabolize somebody. Not Louie with his mom.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And. And there's nothing zero things you can do about that particular feeling inside of your son's chest. And so the question for you is. And the question for your new fiance is what hills do we want to die on?

[Janine]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And do you want to look at your oldest son and say, this is my new husband and if he can't come, then I'm not coming. You can do that or you can look at your new husband and say, this is really hard on my oldest boy. You're mine. You're my new ride or die. We're going to get old and crickety and gross together and it's going to be awesome. But my oldest son's having a hard time and I don't want to miss out on my grandkids life.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'm gonna go to little league game and you go do whatever you want to do. You can choose that. And. But what I don't want you to spend energy on is trying to convince him change him. Because. Because it's just going to entrench it.

[Janine]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's going to give him ammunition or gasoline on the fire that's already burning inside of him, which is there will Never be. You can't replace Louie. And he can't understand that you're trying to say, I'm not trying to replace Louie.

[Janine]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to have somebody that I share a life with and get old with and have as much fun as possible before I, you know, I get called home. Right?

[Janine]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's. It's. It. It breaks my heart for you that you have to make this kind of Sophie's Choice.

[Janine]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you take some of the. If you let go of the thought that somehow you can do something different and you'll change your son's mind, it will free you from a lot of the. The hurt, and then you have to deal with just the reality.

[Janine]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And in a perfect world, all your boys would be like, yeah, go, Mom. Like, no one's ever going to replace dad. But this. This goofball seems like he's all right, so. Yeah, like, that would be ideal. It'd be perfect.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And three of your boys are like that.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. But at the end of the day, you get to choose. What are you thinking?

[Janine]

Well, I'm going to see him today, and I'm going to see my granddaughter today.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Awesome.

[Janine]

We had asked. We'd gone away for vacation and asked to go see him together, and he said no.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Have you. Have you had a private. Just you and him? Sit down.

[Caller Frank]

I've tried and say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me about it. He don't want to talk about it.

[Janine]

No, he doesn't want to talk.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Janine]

I think it's just. He's so hurt me. Doesn't. He hasn't done any counseling and.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, okay.

[Janine]

I'm sorry he's hurting.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah. And I think. Tell him that I'm sorry you're hurting, bud. I miss Louie, too.

[Caller Frank]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think you're. I think it's right and good if you. If you found somebody that you want to spend the rest of your life with that you're. You go down that track. Because if you try to manage your son's happiness, you try to manage your son's healing, you're going to drive yourself crazy.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because it's his job.

[Janine]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But you can hurt for him and you can hurt with him. You're a good mom. Of course you're going to hurt when your son's hurting.

[Janine]

Yeah, yeah,

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Janine]

I understand that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The choice for you is, am I going to wake up every day and have a little journal by my bed where I write down four or five things? I'm really grateful for in this new season.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or am I going to open my eyes every morning and just be sad and try. And try to take my son's sadness out of his chest and I'll just. I'll just carry it in mine.

[Janine]

I can't wear that for him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There you go. There you go. But you can't also. You can't wear it for him. But that means you have to do something affirmative to show your body that you're not doing it.

[Janine]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. You can intellectually say, I don't want to carry that, but if you're not doing things to not carry it, your body will pick it up. Because you're a good mom.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Janine]

Yeah. Because it actually. I actually asked my. My other son, you know, was there something that I've done? You know, it made me question my. Myself as a mom?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Janine]

Because it's like, okay, is he mad at me or, you know, if. Did I do something wrong that, you know, he's not. He's hard to even talking to me, and dad's not here, but I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Janine]

You know, and I think that's the part that hurts.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I think he'll come around. I do.

[Janine]

Well, we. Yeah, we're told that it just. I guess we just have to be. Just give it more time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And if I'm in your exact seat right now, I can tell you your new husband coming into this. He's opting into this. Okay.

[Janine]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So he knows what he's signing up for.

[Janine]

Oh, he does. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if I'm him, I would regularly tell you, the best way I can love you is for you to go see that grandbaby and go see your son.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I think that relationship's going to come around. Right. And if you're this new guy that's coming into your life, says you, you choose them or me, I. I would question his emotional stability or his emotional integrity and the. The strength of this new marriage y' all are creating. So if I was in your exact seat, I would probably, especially for the first year or two, say, I'm gonna go, like, we're gonna have our three boys. We're gonna everybody over, and I'm gonna go see my son and my grandbaby.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my hope for him is that he's like, absolutely.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And he can be sad that he's not invited. I get that. But it's not about him.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's about your son, Your oldest son missing his father, especially when he's got a young a youngster.

[Janine]

Exactly. Exactly. Because we wanted to be a grandpa so bad.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. But I think your son's healing will come from relationship, not from disconnection. But you. I want you to do what you think is right. And you're.

[Caller Ben]

You're.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You've nailed it on the head. You can't own his healing, but you can own your happiness, your joy, your march towards meaning and purpose in this new relationship. And so shout out to Louie for 30 awesome years with you, creating four awesome boys. And shout out to you for grieving a really gnarly season and then choosing to reconnect, choosing love, choosing to not be lonely. And all those choices come with just messy things. But I'm proud of you. Thank you so much for the call. When we come back, a man asks if it would make him a bad son if he didn't fly home for his dad's retirement party. Been there, brother. Can't wait for this call. We are now in outdoor season. And what does that mean? That means me and my family are going to be outside fishing, doing some turkey hunting, just being out in the woods. And what are we all going to have with us are Montana Knife Company knives. Why? Because Montana Knife Company knives, they rule. They're designed and tested and built right here in the United States by real hunters, real fishermen, and real chefs. And we get back home, we use Montana knife companies in our kitchen to cook and prepare all of our outdoor stuff that we caught. Why? Because their knives are awesome in the kitchen, too. They're razor sharp right out of the box. They're tough enough to be used on meat, on vegetables, on fruit, on everything. And we use them every day. But here's what really sells me about Montana Knife Company knives. Montana Knife Company stands behind their work for life. So when your knives need sharpening or if they ever need to be repaired, you just send them back to Montana Knife Co. And they'll take care of everything. These are the kind of knives that your grandkids are going to fight over someday. If you're looking for knives that are built to work and built to last, go to montanaknifecompany.com and see what's available. Right now, that's montanaknifecompanya.com. all right, let's go out to Frank the Tank in Seattle. What's up, Frank?

[Caller Frank]

Hello. Hello, Dr. DeLoney.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How are we doing?

[Caller Frank]

I'm doing fantastic. And as the wise man once said, better than I deserve.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. Excellent. What's going on, brother?

[Caller Frank]

So, first of all, I want to Take a moment. Thank you and your team to giving me this opportunity to speak with you. This may not be as heavy of a call like your other calls, but thank you. Thank you so much. I respect everything you guys do well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thank you. And I need some non heavy calls sometimes and so do our listeners. So thank you. I'm really grateful that you reached out. So what's up, man?

[Caller Frank]

Of course. So coming to the point, I need your help in deciding if I should go to my dad's retirement party or not go to protect my peace. And if I do, so am I being ungrateful and a bad son for not being there for him on his big day?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Talk to me about protecting your peace. What does that mean?

[Caller Frank]

So any event, growing up, there's a lot of drama and big fights. Not physical fights, but a lot of yelling and fights.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

About what?

[Caller Frank]

About my dad usually like gets upset with something and he creates a big fight with relatives, friends. It could be anything and everything and anything could tick him off. Like, you know, and then he just blows up, ruins everything. And there were so many events for weddings, for our cousins and all. We were about to go but he got angry and we didn't end up going. So there were a lot of events like that. And growing up, it was a lot of trauma. And I don't live near my parents. They live in a different country. I haven't visited home in the past 11 years from the time I moved away. I still talk to them. They visited me once, but I don't know. Going back to visit for another event brings a lot of anxiety and. Yeah, nervousness.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the word trauma gets tossed around a lot today. In modern parlance, when you say trauma, do you mean he would get ferocious and mean and belligerent, drunk, hit people, scream, yell? Or is he just a hot headed goofball? You get the difference?

[Caller Frank]

Everything you said. Yes, yes, I understand everything you said. Except he doesn't drink, he's sober and he doesn't hit people.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller Frank]

At least in front of. Well, he did, but not like in. In public.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. Okay, so how much of this that he does in public did you have to absorb trapped inside of your house growing up?

[Caller Frank]

Oh, all the yelling happens in public.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Not in your home.

[Caller Frank]

Embarrassing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He was a gentle, kind man at home.

[Caller Frank]

Absolutely not. Our home was every day however he was feeling. If he's feeling good, then we are acting normal. But if he's stressed or tired, we used to act like we are almost non existent so that he doesn't notice something and yell at us or like, in a scream at us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so you live in a different country, and for more than a decade. Tell me about who you have become.

[Caller Frank]

Yeah, I've become a lot more aware of myself. In all my 20s, I've lived in America, came here, and most of my life. All the good things also come from my parents, also from him. How to, like, you know, be disciplined at work, like, be financially disciplined and take care of people around you who matter most. I learned a lot of good things from him, and I try to improve on that. What's good, I believe. At least what's good inside me. And try not to, like, hurt anyone on purpose and stand for my values. That's who I've become. And I made a life out here. I met a beautiful person. I married her. And we are peaceful. Like, any time there's a disagreement or a conflict arises, we approach in a mature way instead of yelling. Oh, but like, let's talk it out. Let's take a minute. Let's. Let's calm down. That's who I wanted to be. And I'm. I'm not 100% there, but I'm like, an almost there, I would say.

[Caller Ben]

So.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want to applaud you because this is how family trees change. And you've done something really important. It took me years to get here, which is this idea of blaming fairly. If I'm gonna say all the things I struggle with are because of my parents, I also have to be honest about the good stuff I got from them too. They're full people also. Right. And you have. You have mined that, and I'm proud of you for that. Okay. It's good.

[Caller Frank]

I appreciate you saying that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna throw something out here, and. But with the. With the caveat that you have to own the decision of what you do next. Okay.

[Caller Frank]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think you have a. Do you play video games? You ever play video games?

[Caller Frank]

Not so much. Maybe as a kid.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay. There you go. Meet me too. Like, as a kid, I think you have one final boss for your healing, and it's father adjacent. But the final boss is not your father. The final boss, the final bad guy you have to defeat, if you will, is who you are going to be in the face of whatever version of your dad shows up, because he is. Still has his hooks in you. And I know this because thinking about even being around not just him, but the environment that. The volatility of that environment makes you anxious so much.

[Janine]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And yet there's probably cultural reasons there's probably familial reasons. There's a question inside your chest, which is, with all the good and all the bad, am I a person who honors people who have had influence in my life? That's the real question here. Not, do I go honor my dad? My dad's going to retire and he's going to have a big old party. But am I a guy who shows up and I can remain calm and I can remain at peace, and I am a guy who's not going to be swayed by those around me, and I'm a guy that gives honor where I believe honor is due? That's the question to answer.

[Caller Frank]

You're spot on. And there's definitely cultural aspect to it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller Frank]

There's. My mom literally told me, hey, like, you're the eldest son, you have to be there for him kind of way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let's change that. You don't have to do anything. But.

[Caller Frank]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you a kind of guy who does the next right thing? Especially when it's going to be uncomfortable? Because I am well enough inside my own chest that I can look at a man who has taught me some great things, but also is highly emotionally, like, dysregulated. He's not going to hurt me physically. He's probably gonna. Is he. Is he gonna hug you until your chest hurts when you. When he sees you, or is he gonna start lecturing you right when you show up?

[Caller Frank]

The first time he hugged me was two years ago when he visited me in America.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. My guess is he's. He's gonna treat you like a prodigal, like you. When you get home, he's gonna give you a huge hug.

[Caller Frank]

Probably.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is he. Is he the kind of guy who. All of his friends, he talks about how proud he is of his son. He just can't say it to you.

[Caller Frank]

I. I hope so.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So let's free ourselves of a few things. Okay. You flying across the world to wish him well as his eldest son, with all of the cultural expectations, the familial expectations, which a lot of our American listeners won't. Won't get. Right. But.

[Caller Ben]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's a different layers here for you. And. He's not going to look at you and say, I'm sorry. Right. Those words aren't going to come out of his mouth. More than likely, the words, I'm so proud of you, son, are probably not going to come out of his mouth. The. So. So I guess what I'm saying is if, if, if you have some inkling of a fantasy that maybe this will be the thing that gets this and this and this and this. I want to free you from that. It's probably not going to.

[Caller Frank]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you're looking to complete the circle of the connection between you and your father, what I would probably tell you is that. And I. I can be wrong on this, but this is the way I. I navigate the world. It's my job as the dad to always be trying to connect with my son, not sitting here with my arms crossed, waiting him for. To connect with me. And so the reconnection here is going to be with you inside of your chest, doing the next right thing. I'm a guy that I can count on.

[Caller Frank]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Not. I'm gonna do all this stuff. I'm gonna take time off of work. I'm gonna go through all the expense. I'm gonna take my new wife into possibly a culture she doesn't understand. You don't even know what you're walking into. And. Right. But we're gonna go through this thing together. And maybe then he'll finally say those magic words. I'm proud of you. I love you. I'm glad you're here. He might. He might, man. He might. But probably not, right?

[Caller Frank]

Probably not. And the most nicest thing he said to. Is, I'm happy you made a life out of here. Which in his way, probably is like, and I'm proud of you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a. Yeah, that's probably a huge statement.

[Janine]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And maybe you can, with some reflection, say, that guy felt trapped in a caste system. That guy felt trapped in a. In a cultural system. That guy felt trapped economically. Like, who knows what. He felt trapped. And he just always had that rage. I want something better for my family. Better for my family. And it came out as anger all the time. Right.

[Caller Frank]

Exactly. That's what he. I believe. Like. And I know my parents did the best. They know. And again, we are all human, and our best is sometimes not enough. And sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or sometimes our best still hurts other people. Right. That doesn't make it right. You know what I mean? And if you ultimately say, I. I don't want to go, and I don't feel like this will serve him. I don't feel like this is serving me. That part of my life is over. I'm glad. I'm glad he's retiring. I'm glad. Good for him. I'm happy for him. I want him to go be happy. I don't want to be a part of that. You can make that choice. Okay.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just talking to you. You're so wise and you're so thoughtful and reflective, and you've done so much daily practice work to have a different kind of marriage, a different kind of, like, inner spirit about how you deal with conflict and frustration. I mean, you. You moved from another con. Like, when I was moving from Texas to Tennessee. My dad's. My grown dad was like, are you sure?

[Kelly]

That's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You. Right. You went across the world, the planet. And so my. My only concern for you is not that you're always going to wonder, was he really proud of me? Not. Was. Did he love me? Not. I'm going to stay angry and bitter at him. Sounds like you've metabolized a lot of that. My only concern for you is when you get the. The note, the text, the call, the whatever that your dad has passed, will you feel in your chest. I didn't close that loop for me.

[Caller Frank]

That's the question I was battling with and reached out at the end of today, like, you know, if. If I will regret, like, you know, not being there, like, you know, in his last days, not being there on his, like, in happy times. And.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And again, it's. It's not. I don't think that's the end. I don't think that's the question. The question is, will I regret. Not being a guy that could wade through his temper tantrums as an adult, his awkward, making everything weird, that there's still a place that I can't go because I don't trust me?

[Caller Frank]

And I got an example, if I may.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller Frank]

When he visited, the progress I made seemed helpful, but it got to a point after a couple of weeks, I needed to step away and take a walk. Of course, being next to him. So that's when I felt I was really tested of all the work I did and being in the completely different society, surrounded by, like, you know, differently, like, you know, thinking people and relatives, who hasn't seen me grown up in my 20s, now I'm in my 30s. It's a lot of pleasure and added, like, drama and unpredictability making me. That's. Despite all this. I want to, like, you know, be stoic enough to, like, be there for him, but I don't even.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't even know if it's being stoic as much as. Because, like, I don't want you to shove anything down. Here's an exercise I want you to do offline. Okay?

[Caller Frank]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I want you to write this stuff down and share it with your wife. What pressure do you Feel. And is this pressure real or not? There's probably five or six or seven pressures you're gonna feel. And if one or two of those pressures is real, let's say a pressure is like, you have to be present all the time. There's gonna be five zillion kids, and there's going to be singing and dancing and drinking and. And fun and, like. And I need an off switch. Is there a possibility that that becomes a boundary? And I hate that I'm growing to hate that word now because everyone uses that word as cutting people off. That's not what I mean. What must be true boundaries should connect you with other people. It just says, this is mine. And in this case, if you pack up and fly across the world, you're entering into somebody's home. So the thing that is yours is your emotional, like, reactions. Not even your feelings. Right. But your emotional responses. Your ability to have a good night's sleep, your ability to. Or I'm going to forego a week's worth of sleep and just jump into the drama. Both feet, like, what? That's your. That's what you can control. And so you and your wife sit down and say what must be true. Right. And.

[Caller Frank]

And

[Dr. John DeLoney]

write down the pressures you feel. Write down the obligations you feel. Are these true? And then ask yourself this question. Who do I want to be? And if you're a guy, I want to be a guy who intentionally does not go into dramatic situations ever. You can be that guy. It's awesome. Great. Just own it fully. Personally, I want to be a guy that can wade into all kind. Not all of them. There's just some situations, some groups, some, like, I'm out. I don't want to be associated with that. I'm gonna be a part of that.

[Caller Frank]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. But I want to be a guy that honors people in a moment of time, even if they weren't perfect, even if they caused me a lot of whatever, chaos and whatever. For me, I want to be a guy that can wade into some of those situations. That's just me.

[Caller Ben]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But I want you to do that depth of situation. If your dad had been psychologically abusive, physically abusive, if going there is not. Be dramatic, but it's going to be unsafe, I would say, don't go. But now I think you've got a choice. And I think the choice is just. Is not going to be, how do I close the loop with him? It's going to be, how do I close the loop with me? Thank you so much for the call. I am now. I'm kind of invested in this thing. I'm living vicariously through you. I would love to know what you decide to do. So shoot us a note back and let Kelly know or Alex know, like what you decided to do. And I'd love to have you back on the show and either talk about why I didn't go or why I did and how it all went. I think that'd be amazing. Thank you for the call, brother. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. May is mental Health Awareness Month, and according to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than one in five US Adults experience mental illness and mental and emotional challenges every year. And nearly half of that group never gets any help. And these aren't just statistics. These are real people. And look, we're living in this non stop. Everyone's screaming political noise screens nonsense, all this comparison, constant notifications. We're communicating more than ever with everyone all over the planet, yet we're not connecting with anybody. And we're more anxious and more lonely and more overwhelmed than ever. And this stress is showing up in our physical health, in our relationships, in our sleep. Listen, we were never meant to carry all of this alone. Talking to somebody can help. And that's where BetterHelp comes in. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States and they follow a strict code of professional conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch at any time at no additional cost. Cut through the noise in your life and seek to reconnect. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. What's up, Kelly?

[Kelly]

All right. I have and am I the problem? And this is from Joy in Aptos, California and she writes Dr. John Help. Am I the problem for wanting to move out of state when my husband retires? Even though I have an aging mother with no stability, I grew up very poor with parents that made terrible financial and mistakes and and otherwise. My husband and I came from nothing, worked our butts off and have spent the last 20 years building a great life. I already financially helped my mom. My husband is getting close to retirement and our dream has always been to leave California for another state where we can comfortably retire. We currently Live in the Bay Area, one of the most expensive and highest tech brackets in the country, which is not conducive to retirement. However, I have an aging mother with health problems that will soon retire with nothing but Social Security and unstable housing. How do I balance the resentment at my parents, my duty to them, and not sacrifice our dreams? It's a nice light one for you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Good gosh, Kelly, thanks for that. I mean, there's so much here. I would need to talk to her more, but I could. Here's my high level, high level one. Are you the problem? For what? She asked. Feeling this way? No. Your feelings are your feelings, right? You're, you're right to have these big dreams with your husband. You'll have worked your butts off. You've done a bunch of like family tree changing stuff and your parents didn't. So you're, you're not wrong for feeling trapped, for feeling frustrated. All those. All your feelings are. All feelings. Your feelings are good. Okay. The question you have to ask yourself is, can you look yourself in the mirror? Can you be a person who says, I'm going to send a check? Can you be a person who says, mom, I want you to move in with us. Can you be a person who says, screw you, I'm out. Like, like, you have to look yourself in the mirror. And what she's continuing to do is to outsource how she feels to her mom. And I, I don't think that's a fair move. I think the fair move is to look in the mirror and take full ownership of what you're going to do next. And. I won't go into personal stuff. I like, you have to make your decision, and then you have to decide what an invitation looks like, what taking care of your parents look like, what honoring your father, mother looks like. And then you got to be able to sleep at night. And so I won't let her off the hook with telling her what I think. But there's also so much to this, right? Is mom abusive? Is she like a financial drain? Is she just not want anything to do with her kid? And like, it is what it is what it is on those things. So I don't know the details of that, but I think most people want somebody else to do something different so they feel different. And you just get in this loop de loop. And what I want more people to do is to take ownership of your next right action. And in this situation, very few things are going to, quote, unquote, feel good. She's not going to be a move where she's like, I feel great about this next move. That doesn't make it wrong, though. What do you think, Kelly?

[Kelly]

It says she already financially helps her mother quite a bit. And I'm like you. I mean, I kind of wonder, has it been one of those. I've been financially helping mom for years and they've been make. She's been making poor choices or whatever. I think that, yeah, she has to make her decision and then figure out how she feels about it. But she doesn't. I don't think it's a black. Black or white. It could only be this or only be that. There's a lot of things, a lot of gray area in between where they can make decisions.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes.

[Kelly]

And she and her husband need figure that out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Her and her husband need to make those decision decisions together because they're co creating this quote unquote dream, whatever, together. But yeah, honoring father, mother, that's a tricky one. That's a principle I live by. But it's. It can be tough. And honoring does not mean doing whatever somebody else says.

[Kelly]

Yeah. And I think that's the kicker.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's the kicker. And that's really tough. Love, you guys. Bye.