Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Dr. John DeLoney Show – "Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . ."

Episode Information:

• Title: Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .
• Host: Dr. John DeLoney, Ramsey Network
• Release Date: November 22, 2024
• Description: The Dr. John DeLoney Show is a caller-driven program offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges. Listeners are encouraged to participate by sending questions via voicemail or email.

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Introduction

In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, hosted by Dr. John DeLoney from the Ramsey Network, listeners delve into real-life relationship and mental health challenges. The episode, titled "Our Marriage Is in Trouble After Only 5 Months . . .", features heartfelt conversations with callers seeking guidance on navigating the complexities of early marriage, emotional intelligence, and personal growth.

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Caller Segment 1: Paul from Des Moines, Iowa

Timestamp: [00:05] – [15:17]

Overview: Paul, a newly married man of 26, reaches out seeking advice on enhancing his emotional intelligence and deepening his emotional connection with his wife. Despite feeling confident in many aspects of his relationship, Paul grapples with bridging the emotional gap between his more reserved nature and his wife's expressive demeanor.

Key Points Discussed:

• Emotional Disconnect: Paul acknowledges his strengths but recognizes his struggle with emotional expression, which his wife desires.
• Background Differences: He comes from a family less inclined to express emotions, contrasting with his wife's emotionally expressive upbringing.
• Navigating Differences: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes understanding and appreciating these differences, suggesting practical steps to foster emotional connection without compromising one's authentic self.

Notable Quotes:

• Paul: "I’m looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife." ([00:05])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Over time, you will be the gift that her nervous system desperately needs." ([08:14])
• Paul: "I'm a 26 today, actually." ([15:03])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Tiny little adjustments in how y'all see each other and experience each other are going to have an amazing long-term marriage." ([15:17])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney offers actionable steps, including consistent physical affection (e.g., morning hugs, setting aside phone time when coming home), initiating open communication by asking specific questions about emotional needs, and refraining from trying to "fix" his wife's emotional regulation. He underscores the importance of small, meaningful interactions to build a secure and loving environment.

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Caller Segment 2: Felix (Katie) from Asheville, North Carolina

Timestamp: [19:29] – [47:11]

Overview: Felix, also referred to as Katie, contacts the show from Asheville, Utah, expressing feelings of resentment towards friends who did not reach out after a devastating hurricane. The tragedy has left her community in disarray, and she struggles with the absence of support from long-time friends, leading to internal turmoil and grief.

Key Points Discussed:

• Trauma and Grief: The hurricane has caused significant loss and disruption, impacting Felix deeply.
• Lack of Support: Despite reaching out to numerous friends, many did not respond, exacerbating her feelings of abandonment and resentment.
• Community Resilience: While the community shows remarkable resilience, the personal lack of support weighs heavily on her emotional well-being.

Notable Quotes:

• Felix: "I'm building these weird resentments, and I totally embody one of your sayings, guilt over resentment." ([21:29])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Spend less time creating stories about other people in other situations, and instead go right towards reality." ([29:46])
• Felix: "It's killing me internally." ([29:58])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Don't just sit and stew and spin stories. Take action." ([30:05])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney encourages Felix to confront her feelings by writing unsent letters to express her emotions, thereby releasing pent-up resentment. He advises focusing on reality rather than imagined narratives about why friends did not reach out, suggesting proactive communication to seek closure. Additionally, he emphasizes the importance of community support and personal resilience in the healing process.

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Caller Segment 3: Caroline's Letter on Household Chores

Timestamp: [49:47] – [53:32]

Overview: A listener named Caroline writes in about her struggles with resentment towards her two younger adult sisters in a shared rental home. As the eldest, she has taken on the role of household manager, handling chores and bill payments, which has led to increased frustration and feelings of being taken advantage of.

Key Points Discussed:

• Resentment from Imbalance: Caroline feels overwhelmed by the unequal distribution of household responsibilities.
• Past Experiences: She has previously attempted to assign chores, which failed as she reverted to managing tasks herself.
• Desire for Autonomy: Caroline seeks to move away from being the "mother" of her sisters and establish healthier boundaries.

Notable Quotes:

• Caroline: "Is it understandable that I get upset with their little participation, or am I the problem?" ([51:26])
• Dr. DeLoney: "You are the problem because you are acting like their mother." ([51:26] onwards)
• Caroline: "Is it okay that I'm upset that they don't do any chores? Of course, but that's not the problem." ([51:26])
• Dr. DeLoney: "Either move out or make peace with it. Your sisters are messy." ([53:13])

Advice Provided: Dr. DeLoney bluntly addresses Caroline's role in perpetuating the issue, suggesting that her continued assumption of a parental role fosters contempt and isolation. He advises her to either find a living situation that aligns with her organizational preferences or accept her sisters' differing standards. Emphasizing personal responsibility, he encourages Caroline to set clear boundaries and consider relocating if harmony cannot be achieved within the current arrangement.

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Conclusion

In this episode, Dr. John DeLoney expertly navigates through diverse relationship challenges presented by his callers. From early marital struggles and emotional disconnects to grief amidst community tragedy and familial resentment over household responsibilities, Dr. DeLoney provides candid, actionable advice aimed at fostering healthier relationships and personal growth. His empathetic yet straightforward approach empowers listeners to address their issues head-on, promoting resilience and effective communication.

Final Notable Quote:

• Dr. DeLoney: "We're not doing secrets. Not in this house. We're going to have a seat for Granddad and we're all going to say something we miss." ([46:26])

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Engage with the Show: Listeners are encouraged to participate by submitting their questions via voicemail at 844-693-3291 or emailing them to [e-mail] for a chance to be featured in future episodes.

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Note: Advertisements and non-content sections have been omitted to maintain focus on the core discussions and advice provided during the episode.

Transcript

[Paul]

I am at this point looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You used all the right, good counselor y words. Tell me what you're really struggling with, like day to day, what's up? Hey, everybody, this is John, the Dr. John DeLoney Show. Hope you are doing well and I hope the world you find yourself in is one where you're safe when you're having fun and you're finding some joy, some laughter somewhere in this wild, wild world. Hey, Kelly, when is election day? Are we past it when we're recording this show early?

[Kelly]

Yes. This show publishes on the 22nd of November, so we'll be a few weeks past it at this point.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I'm making a prediction. We still won't know who the president is because everyone's going to sue everybody and be mad. And you think.

[Kelly]

Yeah, because I think it's going to be. That's, that's valid because I think it's going to be a close election. So I think that I can see.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm feeling landslide in my guts. I love that we can put this, like, down because we'll know, right? Yeah.

[Kelly]

By this time, we'll know.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like when I was talking trash about my Astros, by the time it published, your Rangers had won. Yeah.

[Kelly]

It was a good memory.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was.

[Kelly]

It was great. Love that one.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This weekend, I was in Houston and one guy at the concert I was at, he was one of the sound guys, he had a shirt and it was the Astros on it, but it just said Houston Cheaters. And it was, it was, it was, it was, it was good. I had like, I tipped my hat to that guy to wear it with 15,000 rabid metal fans and just to decide care. It was awesome. I support that. But yeah. So this is out. I hope wherever you happen to be, you're doing okay. This show, we talk about your mental and emotional health, your relationships. If you want to be on the show, it's real people going through real challenges. Give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291 or go to john deloney.com ask and I guess we will see who's right or who's wrong. I'm sure the Internets will let me know you're wrong or we're still waiting. Hopefully. Hopefully. Hopefully. Jeez Louise. All right, let's go out to Des Moines. Let's go out to Des Moines, Iowa and talk to Paul. What up, Paul?

[Paul]

Hey, John. How we doing today?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. I'm doing great. How about you, man?

[Paul]

Doing well. Doing well. I want to start this off saying thanks for all the help you've done for me and my relationships so far and definitely give me a different outlook on life. So I appreciate the insight.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm grateful, man. Hope that outlook is a good one, not a sideways one.

[Paul]

Well, you sparked plenty of conversation, let's put it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There we go. What's up?

[Paul]

Well, I'm hoping you can help me a little bit more today. I am a newly recently married man, and that, as you know, comes along with plenty of changes in life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No, no, no, I'm just kidding.

[Paul]

I. You know, I'm learning again that I don't quite have it all figured out, but that's. I am at this point looking for ways that I can grow in my personal emotional intelligence and strengthen how I can connect with my wife emotionally. That is definitely an area I have struggled with in adulthood. It's a area I'm not too familiar with, but I'm hoping you can give me some tips or something to strengthen that area of my life.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, man. So you used all the right, good counselor words or like the Internet words. Tell me what you're really struggling with, like day to day.

[Paul]

Yeah, well, I guess that's the interesting thing is I really don't feel as though I am struggling. You know, I feel like everything's pretty good for me, and I think I am there in many of the ways I need to be. And it's just a common theme that I hear from my wife, which is, you know, you're. You do all these things. You're so great in so many areas. But the one thing that I'm not quite getting from you, that I wish I could, was this emotional connection. And I guess I come from a family that's not very outward with our emotions, to say the least. And she comes from one that is very emotionally expressive. And so that is like two different worlds colliding right there. And I'm not really even sure how to navigate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, yeah, that's a great collision there in your house. And I guess if she was on the phone here, I. I think there's a tendency with people who are over emotors and over talkers. And you are currently talking to one right now? Yeah, yeah, I am. I'm mostly speaking hyperbole and mostly am a lot. They. They can. I. I have an office. A little officey, I don't know, complex. There's a bunch of us in this one big giant room, and When I open the door, they can feel me coming in. They'll all yell, hi, John. Before they even see me around the corner because I just come in such a lot. Okay. It is easy for people like me, like your wife, to think we are somehow elevated or superior to those around us who are internal processors, who are quiet or introverts. There's a great book and I forgot the author off top of my head. It's called Quiet and it may be a book that y'all read together. It's really a phenomenal book. Kelly, can you look up who wrote that book? Quiet. She'll. She'll grab the author. But here's the thing. I want you to know. I don't think you're doing anything wrong.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you're not somehow malfunctioning. Unless. Unless she is coming to you and saying, I can feel how angry you are and you're refusing to talk to her. But that doesn't sound like that's the situation.

[Paul]

No, no, not at all. It's. It's more of like, you know, I can be pretty straight faced and still through about anything, you know, even if it's an argument we're having or. I don't know, it's like I am not very expressive with things and I think that she can't read what I'm thinking and then that kind of sends her into overdrive a little bit sometimes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She come from a pretty wild grow.

[Paul]

Grown up, to say the least.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, tell me about it.

[Paul]

I would, you know, separate, separated parents and father in law enforcement and, you know, a lot of stories I have heard of feeling like she is a regulator for her mother as a child, you know, And I think, you know, I question sometimes if she's looking to regulate me perhaps, and I don't need it. And that kind of makes her question where to go next. But I'm not going to put that on her. I've never said that. But it's. I question that. It's like, again, I feel like I'm okay and I feel like things are good. Right. And she's. I perceive it as though she is always looking for something that isn't. And that is hard when there seems like there's not something.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Now, I started laughing when you first started talking because as you were saying it, I wrote the word down regulation on my paper, on my notes here.

[Paul]

Oh, yeah, there you go.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So let's reframe it in this way. My guess is to some degree, and again, I'm throwing spaghetti at a wall Here. But I think I'm right. Her being able to read a room kept her safe as a kid for sure. That's how she knew when dad had had a bad day at the office or if he was going to come in really angry. And his wife always was trying to fig ping pong around and figure out emotional regulation, who and what and how. And, um, and I, you, you've listened to the show. So I spent my career. My dad was a policeman. I grew up with that, that, that world. Right. Um, and that's been my professional world too. So I, I, I can imagine. She's always walking into a room, trying to make sure she's okay, to be there for sure. And then you, then you, Paul, here I come. You're just Steady Eddie, right?

[Paul]

I like to think so, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And so here's the deal. Over time, you will be the gift that her nervous system desperately needs. And let's be honest, she's going to bring some joy and excitement and fun. It will never occur to you to jump up on a table somewhere and take your shirt off and make out and thank God you married her. Right.

[Paul]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. You would just be like, let's look at spreadsheets and then go to bed. Right. Like whatever.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Paul]

Maybe not quite that extreme.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm being ridiculous. But here's the thing. Here's what I. I'm gonna give you a couple of easy passes, but yeah, I want you to see her when she says, you're not being emotional. I can't read you. That's her asking, do you see me and am I safe in here?

[Paul]

Sure. Yeah. She definitely uses that safety word.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so what I want you to begin to practice with her are ways that you can communicate to her and remember behaviors of language that she's safe and she's loved. Well, you not betraying who you are, which is you're just not a demonstrative, maniacal guy.

[Paul]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so sometimes that is as simple as. And people sometimes roll their eyes. But the feedback I get all the time. I'm working on an app. The feedback has been hilarious because it's like, I never thought something this simp would be so transformative. In my marriage, simple things like SOS, skin on skin, contact four times a day for about 10 to 15 seconds. Right. When you wake up, we're just going to touch feet under the covers. Or if you get up really early and she gets up a little bit later, or vice versa. Often people who are emotional regulators like her get up really, really early. Because their bodies just snap them up. Because they got to make sure everything's okay. And maybe you sleep in. Is that. Is that her?

[Paul]

I'm a she. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Okay. Hard to go to sleep, easy to pop up open awake.

[Paul]

Correct?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep. Okay. So when you get up, go straight for nothing else. I mean, obviously go to the bathroom, whatever. But before coffee, before anything else, put your hand on the back of her neck and give her a slow, long hug.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then right before you go to work, put your hands on either side of her face and just put your forehead on her forehead. And the first thing you do when you walk in the door after work, you make sure your phone is away.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you just set down whatever you got. Or when she comes in, I don't know your work schedules or whatever, but when one of you comes in, everything in your world stops and you go give her a 15 second hug.

[Paul]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then before bed, even after y'all have been like if y'all had sex or whatever, like even after all that, right before you go to sleep, before you just roll over and go to sleep, 10 or 15 seconds of just skin on skin contact. Okay.

[Paul]

Sure. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The sec it touches a high regulator, especially when there is an emotional, an energetic mismatch, if you will.

[Paul]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. The second thing is I want you to press a little bit on. On her. On being specific.

[Paul]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What do you need from me right now? How can I love you right now? I just need you to show something. Will you hold both of my hands and look at me? And she might not see it, but she'll feel it.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And here's the third thing. You probably at some shape, form or fashion want to try to solve her emotional dysregulation. Don't. Yeah.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Paul]

I knew that was coming.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't try to solve her. She's not a broken engine. In fact, she is a extraordinary ball of feminine energy in your house. It's awesome, right? And so, yeah, that is let that light shine in your home and be so grateful that you married her. And coming as a part of that, having that, that amazing ball of energy and light in your house, you're going to get burned sometimes. That's fine.

[Paul]

Right? Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, okay, so those sound so simple. Let's go for a walk. Let's do skin on skin contact. How can I love you today? You looking at her and saying, here's my promise to you. Anytime you want to check in with me, I'm okay, but you got to hold my hand to check in.

[Paul]

Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime you want to. We'll check in via hugs.

[Paul]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Another thing for emotional dysregulated people, sometimes it's sex and sometimes it is amazing. Chit chat. If who makes dinner in your house?

[Paul]

She does.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Ask her if for 15 minutes you can just put all your stuff away and just sit in there and chit chat while she makes dinner.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There is something about somebody being in another room while somebody's doing a project that begins to. The body gins up stories about what's going on in that other room and what's happening and is he going to come in here, he's going to be upset. I don't know who I'm going to get when I get right. And it just kind of builds and builds and builds and builds and builds. And then you are so gracious that you just got home from work and she's making dinner and you pop down at the table and it's on.

[Paul]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you don't even like what happened here. Right. So, yeah.

[Paul]

Walk into something I didn't even know I was.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hey, you have been. She's been in a fight with you for 45 minutes. You didn't even know she was there.

[Paul]

Exactly. I find myself a few steps behind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, here is two things I want you to ask of her. Number one, please do not have imaginary conversations about me.

[Paul]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Have them directly with me. Have, have, have practice, have the, have the courage to have those conversations with me. And I will never make you feel small or little for asking those questions. Whatever you're going to ask, do you still love me? Do you think I'm beautiful? That's just her touching base and saying, am I safe here? Because I wasn't growing up, but am I safe here? The second one is, ask her when you're giving her a hug or when you are making physical contact, will she commit to giving you the benefit of the doubt?

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So when you ask a question, when you say a thing, when you bring something up, will she whisper to herself, he's on my team. He's on my team. Not. I can't believe. Right. Because. Because in her mind, she's always looking for a place where she's not safe. And you're going to say the thing the wrong way and it's going to be proof to her nervous system that you are just like whoever else was in her life.

[Paul]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that ring a bell?

[Paul]

Yeah, definitely. Definitely.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And dude, just for whatever it's worth, how old are you?

[Paul]

26 today, actually.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, congratulations. Happy birthday.

[Paul]

Dude, thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is she?

[Paul]

21.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Y'all are right where you need to be, brother.

[Paul]

Yes. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're not broken. You're not crazy. Y'all are going to figure out a way to communicate with each other over time. If you'll work on how can I speak in a language you can hear? And will you constantly let me know that I'm safe? And sometimes constantly letting people know I'm safe is I'm seeing you work out. I'm seeing you come home from work sweaty and tired. I am seeing dinner on the table. We are making flirty eye contact. You send me flirty texts all day. You laugh at my jokes. You chit chat with me. You are always down for whatever sex stuff I'm into. Like. Like, safety is established in all kinds of different ways in relationships and romantic relationships especially. The key here is, can we put it on the table what we actually truly need and not these proxy. You're not emotional enough or you're too emotional? Nah, that's why we love each other. Underneath that, do you see all of me? And you still love me. Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Am I safe here? Paul, you're the man, dude. You're the man. It's a bunch of tiny little fixes. Not even fixes. Tiny little adjustments in. Hey, y'all see each other and experience each other, and I think you're gonna have an amazing long term marriage, brother. And congratulations. You're in for a ride, my man. We'll be right back. Yo, I saw a headline the other day that made me want to set both of my ears and my nose on fire. One third of the United States population's background. Their information is now totally public. 115 million of us. Our personal, private information is just out there for anyone to find and do with what they please. And with data breaches becoming more frequent, it feels like we're losing control over who has access to our personal information. Nothing feels like ours anymore. And that's why I love deleteme. They are the best folks out there, taking care of all of your private data and getting it out of the hands of the bad guys. Delete me removes your personal information from the countless data broker websites that buy, sell, and trade your data. And that information includes your name, address, phone number, work history, property values, places you've lived all throughout your life and much more. And as much as I hate the interwebs, here I am. I'm on them everywhere now. And Delete me puts the power of my data back in my hands, helping me take control over where my information is stored and who has access to it. And your information doesn't need to be in the hands of other people. So sign up with Delete Me today. Individual delete Me plans start as low as nine bucks a month, helping to protect you from the risks of unwanted exposure. And online scammers, spammers, stalkers, and thieves. Go to joindelete me.com DeLoney today for 20% off, that's join j o I n deleteme.com DeLoney November can be bananas. And we have the normal November chaos with colder weather and there's family drama, Thanksgiving and figuring out holiday plans. And with the recent election, well, no matter what you think about any of this mess, we all need an extra helping of peace. And one of the easiest ways to find and maintain peace is with the help of Hallow, the number one prayer and meditation app in the world. With so many external things trying to divide us or capture our attention or just make us bananas, Hallow is there to help you and me keep grounded, to stay present, and to focus on our faith in God. I use Hallow every day, and I absolutely love it. Hallow has thousands of prayers, songs, and meditations to guide you along the path of gratitude, to help you keep peace, and to help you answer hard questions and to help you grow closer to God. And I want you to watch for an upcoming Advent Pray 25 challenge that will make the countdown to Christmas truly special. Download the Halo app and go to hallow.com deloney to get three free months. That's three free months of the Hallow app, totally free at Hallow. H A l l o w.com Deloney all right, let's go out to Asheville, North Carolina, and talk to Felix. Brother Felix, my man. How are we doing?

[Katie]

I'm all right, man. It's good to speak with you, Dr. John. It's such an honor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Hold on. You're not all right? A bomb just went off in your neighborhood, man.

[Katie]

Yeah, it's pretty intense. All right. It's kind of a blanket statement.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. You don't have to do that with us. With me, okay?

[Katie]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Don't say yes, sir. Geez Louise, Kelly's the old one here, not me.

[Katie]

Well, it is such an honor to talk with you. You know, I've. I've been a listener for many, many years. Your wisdom and your advice has gotten me through a lot of tough times in my life. So thank you so much. It's an Honor to talk to you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're a blessing. I appreciate you. So give me a picture on the ground, man. Asheville, North Carolina, is one of probably the top two or three places, favorite places in the United States for me, and it's a retreat for me and my wife. And my understanding is it largely doesn't exist right now.

[Katie]

Yeah, it's pretty rough here. You know, the community is really, really showing up. It's honestly just incredible to see what's going on here neighbor to neighbor and across the community, in the mountains, in different counties and all that. And, yeah, I mean, it's pretty rough, but I mean, we'll rebuild it. Yeah, you know, us mountain folks are very resilient. So, yeah, we'll figure it out in time. It's going to take a long time to rebuild, but we'll get there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wouldn't wish what happened to you guys on anything on anyone. Right. And I grew up in Houston, so this kind of stuff was not. Not regular, but, man, we had some doozies, too. And let me tell you, though, when you watch the news, all that crap these days about divide, like how divisive it is and how people versus people, like, there's something about experiencing what you're experiencing that has some sort of restorative, like, I don't know, on the ground, neighbor, going by neighbor. It's like, oh, dude, we're not nearly as divided as people we think we are, right?

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know. It's pretty amazing.

[Katie]

Yeah. It really gives you faith in humanity and it makes you trust people some more.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A little bit more.

[Paul]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, brother, how can I help you today, man? What's up?

[Katie]

So in line with the hurricane. So here my question is, how do I process feelings of resentment towards friends who haven't reached out after the hurricane? You know, like, everybody in my life, including friends from 15 years ago, like, different versions of me have reached out and, like, said, hey, are you okay? Are you safe? I just need to know, like, are you good? And, you know, even people who are locally and live different counties who aren't really as affected haven't reached out. Close friends of mine from college haven't reached out. And it's. I find myself really, like, building these weird resentments, and I totally embody one of your sayings, guilt over resentment. But I'm having a hard time really kind of seeing how that applies here. You know, life in Asheville is. Life in western North Carolina is completely different and will be for a long, long, long time, if not forever. I mean, people are missing, People are, you know, gone. Communities, businesses, art studios. It's very different.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Katie]

And I'm just not sure how to look past that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think you look past it as much as you. You accept it. And here's what I mean by that. There's. There's no proverb that I finally sat down and confronted my anger, and she took off her mask and revealed herself as grief. I think that the worst of the worst has happened. And those friends, the people that you had psychologically leaned on, as if something ever goes down. I got these guys. They're not there.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And random people from middle school called you. Right. I find myself. Anytime there's a tragedy, I find myself going through my phone and finding anybody, just being like, are you all right? Like, I. If you're in my phone, I need to know you're okay. It's a weird thing I have. Yeah, absolutely.

[Katie]

I did that for everybody. Ex girlfriends, old friends, everybody.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I just want to make sure you're okay. Are you okay? Right. And people be like, dude, it's like 900 miles from my house. Like, I don't care. I saw it on the news. Are you all right?

[Katie]

Like, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I get that. And then people don't call. Yeah.

[Katie]

It's really hard.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's. There's a psychological. I don't want to get nerdy about it, but when your neighbors are going door to door, making sure everybody's got water and people are dragging all the. You've probably seen, you drive down the streets and people. There's just piles of cabinets and carpet and lawn furniture. Like, just piles of stuff in people's yard. Yard after yard after yard. There is a sense that we have work to do. Right. And the body has a pretty amazing way of channeling, actually healing, resolving some of the. The impact. The psychological impact of. We're just going about our lives, and all of a sudden it won't stop raining. And the town washes away through work, through work, through work. But the social and relational part, man, they didn't show up, they didn't call. And your body's going to look for ways to be angry, a place to put that anger that. Is this really the world that we live in? That's so random that one afternoon, my entire city is gone. Yeah. That's the world we're in, man. And so it's easy to look for blame, for anger, for rage. And what I want to tell you, it's that old. It's that old AA proverb It's like drinking poison and hoping those buddies die.

[Katie]

Right. It's just I'm even in recovery, so I'm a no. Like I know this language very well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So like when it comes to practical tips, I always. And if you listen to the show for any length of time, I'm always finding myself in recommending this in some shape, form or fashion. I would write those guys a letter and not send it. I'm going to get that out of my body. I'm actually going to take an hour and write two letters per hour over a couple of days. Dear Tom bro, my whole world imploded and you didn't bother to call. Do you remember when we did this? Do you remember when I showed up for you here? And it's not a reinforcement mechanism as much as psychologically grounding yourself in this word that none of us want to sit in. And that's reality. This is the truth.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

One afternoon my town got washed away and you didn't even bother to call and see if I was okay.

[Katie]

Very real. Yeah, I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like you just drop your shoulders in that.

[Katie]

Yeah, I definitely did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It just, it just like you didn't show up. And I now know where my energy is going to go moving forward.

[Katie]

Yeah, and that's an interesting piece too. You know, like even people who like I see on a day to day basis, like, they're like, you live maybe a little bit outside Asheville. Like so I had power. I didn't have power or water or Internet. I got Internet back yesterday. I've had, I didn't have power, water for like 17, 18 days. Living in the dark, living alone on top of that was really, really rough, really intense. And some people I know who I consider brothers consider very close to me who weren't affected at all, their jobs are intact. Water, power, resources, all intact. Just didn't really show up the way I've shown up for them in the past. Or like, you know, I thought they would. Like I, when I needed it, I could lean on them. Not the case at all. And that's here for tot thing. But it's like, wow. Like this was a life altering region, alternating altering, like generational, like catastrophe.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but let me, let me throw this out there too, Felix. You're also spending a lot of energy by yourself with no distraction for the first time, probably in, in years, maybe even in your lifetime.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No Internet, no tv, no light to read by at night. Just you and your thoughts. And if that gets thrust upon you, it's really easy to sit there and begin to create stories. And what you don't know is if those buddies texted and called and called and texted and got in their cars and drove and they faced roadblock after roadblock and had to turn back. And had to turn back. I had to turn back.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they may have reached out a thousand times, and they may have heard from a friend of a friend. No, no, no, no. Felix is all right. I checked in with him. I went and saw him. He's good. And they were like, oh, thank God. And they're waiting for you to reach out that the power's back on.

[Paul]

Right, Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's the thing. You're. You're. You're literally creating a story in your mind, and then you're trying to solve for that story. And what I would suggest is if these guys are your close buddies, maybe pick up the phone and call and be like, bro, where were you? I. I would hope that my closest, closest rider dies would give me that. That before they cast judgment on me, they would at least reach out.

[Katie]

I can appreciate that. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And just be like, bro, you didn't show up. And if they say, dude, I'd be own. All right, then they're. Then they're. They're letting you know they're true colors.

[Katie]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But, yeah, you might hear, dude, we went. We. We went to hell and back trying to find you, and we found out through my friend of a friend, you are right. And we went to help so and so. And there you might even hear them say, dude, you're the toughest guy we know. Once we heard you were alive and your house was okay, we went to help so and so. Because, you know, he's still. He's still at day 90.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what. What would. Here's the meta here. Here's the overarching theme. Spend less time creating stories about other people in other situations, and instead go right towards reality. Ask the question, make the phone call, reach out, or write that imaginary letter, burn it in your fireplace and be done.

[Katie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But the more time you sit and just stew and spin and create story after story after story, the more you are choosing to be miserable in the moment.

[Katie]

Yeah, it's killing me internally.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then move, then move, then move, then move, then move.

[Katie]

Totally appreciate that. Thank you for that advice.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is that fair?

[Katie]

Absolutely. Yeah. I mean, just. It's. That's something I need to do. It's something I need to do for many things in my life. So that's great advice to hear.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's probably the same about work. It's probably the same about call. You need to call your mom. It's probably the same. You need, you need to forgive your dad. Like, it's probably a lot of those things that just, they just spin and spin and spin. Make a list of them, dude. And when you're sitting there with day 18 with no power, like, I mean, you literally have two choices. You can just start. You can start drinking again, and I'm using drinking metaphorically. You can just start trying to Xanax over your life again, or you can make a list and be about action. I'm going to call that guy and see if he's really my friend. And right now, the story you've created, the story you're telling yourself is his life is perfect. He's back at work, just having a good old time. He's laughing, having glasses of wine. His restaurant didn't get touched. And I'm over here with no food, electricity, no water. Maybe, but maybe not. So I'm gonna call you. You're my good, good, good ride or die friend. I've shown up for you. I'm gonna call you. Maybe he was so scared, he didn't know how to even pick up the phone. And because you love him and you have a long 20 year history with him, you might pick up the phone and say, dude, the next time my city gets washed away, I expect you to be on my front porch. I don't care if you're scared or what. And he's like, all right, you got it. I failed you. I'm. I'm back. And that's forgiveness. Or maybe some of these buddies are just lame. They're just scumbags, dude. They didn't show up. And you need to grieve that because you thought you were closer. And then we're gonna brush our shoulders off and we're gonna dust our sandals off and we're going on. Because I'm not just gonna sit and stew and sit and stew and sit and stew. If you put meat in a crock pot over time, it just turns to mush. And I'm not gonna do that to my spirit. I'm not gonna that to my soul. Felix. Hey, brother, thank you for the call. It me a long rebuild, brother. You call me anytime, anytime, anytime. And I'm glad that you're safe and I'm glad that you are showing up for your neighbors and your neighbors are showing up for you. We are praying for you guys there in Asheville and hope you'll Reach out if y'all need anything. Blessings, my brother. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Deloney from my friends at Helix, the makers of the best mattresses in the universe. I've spent most of my adult life on like borrowed mattresses or the cheapest mattresses available or some other mattress that over promises and under delivers. And I end up hot. I end up tossing and turning. Listen, I've struggled with sleep for most of my adult life, but sleeping on my Helix mattress has transformed my sleep. I'm getting into new levels of deep restorative sleep and they are super comfortable. I love my Helix. Everyone in my home sleeps on a Helix. And now, because I won't shut up about it, my friends and extended family are reaching out for their Helix too. And my friends and family are all different, just like all of you are all different. Everyone sleeps in their own unique way. So Helix has created different mattress models designed for side sleepers and stomach sleepers and back sleepers for everyone. And if your spine needs some extra love, they have mattresses for you too. Plus, helix offers a 100 night free trial. And all Helix mattresses come with either a 10 or 15 year warranty. Here's what I want you to do. I want you to get online and take the Helix sleep quiz. It's exactly what I did. It's going to help you find the perfect mattress for your sleep preference in under two minutes. And here's the best part. Right now, Helix is offering my listeners early access to their Black Friday sale. 25% off all mattress orders, plus a free bedding Bundle. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney for details. And to save 25% off, that's helixsleep.com DeLoney because with Helix, better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to Salt Lake City, Utah and talk to the great and powerful Katie. Hey, Katie, what's going on?

[Felix]

Hey, how you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm doing all right. How about you?

[Felix]

Doing well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Excellent. What's up?

[Felix]

Thanks for taking my call. I'm curious to get your thoughts on this. All right, so start with my question, then we can get into the background.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Anytime somebody says they're curious of my thoughts, that means it's going to be a doozy.

[Felix]

We'll see. All right, so the question is when and how do I go about introducing my kids to my mother in law's new boyfriend? So getting into the backstory, my father in law took his life last October.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

[Felix]

Thank you. It's been A really, really difficult year.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was his name?

[Felix]

Bill.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Bill, yeah. I'm sorry.

[Felix]

Thank you so much. It's been a very difficult year for us and our whole world has just completely flipped upside down and it's been a process. I have a four year old son and an almost two year old son and my mother in law started dating someone just before the year mark, which is difficult in and of itself and now she's wanting us to meet him. But my husband and his siblings don't want to meet him. I don't necessarily want to introduce my kids to someone that will be in the picture for just a short time. I don't want them to get attached to someone when my 4 year old is still grieving. He still brings up his grandpa all the time, talks about him and so I don't know if the right thing is to introduce or just I don't even know. How do you know when you're ready?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Such a big question. There's several, there's. Can I pull the threads apart here a little bit?

[Felix]

Please do.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Thread number one is this is your husband's dad and in almost every way I would follow his lead a thousand percent. And so if he's not ready, if he doesn't want to meet boyfriend, then the family's not going to go meet boyfriend.

[Felix]

Well, can I add on to that real quick?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course, of course.

[Felix]

So he has four siblings. He's one of four. And all four have said to mom, hey, I'm not ready. But two of the siblings have been at the house when she has brought boyfriend over without permission. So my husband and his sister has have met him without consent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So that's all you need to know about what mom thinks about her kids. And also, oh yeah, by the way, mom was hurting, the whole thing's a mess. And so here's what I want to do. I don't want to be in other people's heads judging why they're doing what they're doing.

[Felix]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My guess is your mother in law is trying so desperately, frenetically to get back to quote unquote normal the way things were.

[Felix]

Sure, yeah. Oh yeah. She's trying to find some autonomy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Thousand percent, just trying to lock it in. It's going to go back to the old ways. I'm going to be married, we're going to have a big happy family and then we can get all the grandkids back and everything's going to be the way it was, right?

[Felix]

Oh yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's just part of the Grieving process. Hopefully she doesn't run in and marry somebody. Dating somebody's fine. You get some scars doing that, but you learn, Right. And you can exhale for sure. If you just go marry somebody, it creates a whole other issue. But, yeah, she's struggling, and just like, look, here he is. He's great. See? And not trying to vomit all over her kids. But she did, right?

[Felix]

Oh, yeah.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So the first thing is, I would let your husband walk through that. My hope is one day he can be happy that mom finds somebody new.

[Felix]

You know, that's the interesting thing, is we kind of have the best of both worlds. He doesn't want her to be alone, and so he's glad that he's. That she's with someone. But on the other hand, he doesn't want to see it, doesn't want to talk about it, doesn't want to be part of it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so he gets to do that. Yeah. And at some point, mom may say, hey, here's one of my boundaries. I'm married now. This is my new husband. This is my new life. I want you a part of it. But I can't just take my husband and carve him out. And so hopefully they can negotiate that and navigate those boundaries over time. It's just a messy season. Hasn't even been a year yet, Right?

[Felix]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's the second thing. Tell me about you. Did you. Did you love this guy? Was he scary? Like, tell me about your relationship with him.

[Felix]

I love that man dearly. Yes, he was scary, but I loved him dearly. He's kind of a big, intimidating looking guy, but just the biggest, teddy bear, kindest guy. Just the last couple years of his life were really difficult, and no one really knew how bad he was struggling because he didn't open up about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Felix]

And so it was very hard. He was a. He was another dad to me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So I think an important thing for you and your husband, and this is y'all, the only people that you can. You can manage in this moment. Right. If you haven't already, both of you need to write him a letter and read it to each other. Dear Bill. And in that letter, usually there's like. I often recommend people write three different letters. That might be a lot for you guys right now, but one of those. There has to be some sentiment about, I miss you. I pick up the phone to call you, and I miss you. And there has to be a sentiment, a discussion about how angry I am. I can't believe you did this to Us.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that's valid and it has to be expressed. And then the third thing that I always tell people is you have to write about what they're going to miss. Oh, here's what you're going to miss. I'm going to be the most amazing wife to your son. You don't even know. You're going to miss the little League games. You're going to miss prom pictures. My son's going to miss getting to wrestle with his gigantic, crazy bear looking granddad. All that. You took that from us and. Yeah, we're going to move on. Took that from. Like that. Language is abrupt and hard when somebody dies by suicide. Right.

[Felix]

For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

We're not trying to tell facts here. We're trying to let this stuff cycle through our body.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when you write a letter about. Or you write a section of a letter about. So here's who I'm going to be. I will love your son till the end of time. And your husband might say something along the lines of, I will be the dad and the husband that you tried so hard to be and you were sick and you just couldn't be.

[Felix]

Oh, yeah. A thousand percent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. But what we're doing is we're giving our bodies an understanding that we are now turning our gaze. Not back anymore. But we're. We're looking forward now.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And reading it together. As the great David Kessler says, grief demands a witness. It's important to write those letters, but you need to read them in front of somebody. And if he's really got gangster siblings, they all write a letter to dad and they all read them together. And they're going to be. They're going to be different. My guess is with a dad like that, there's going to be four kids all over the spectrum when it comes to whose degrees of wellness. Right. And degrees of how well they married. Right. There's going to be some.

[Felix]

Yep. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So that's what I would. Because you need to grieve this. Your husband needs to grieve it. And since it was his dad, I always give him the 5149. Like, you make the call. Are we going to Christmas or not?

[Felix]

So that being said, I love all that. And a thousand percent will do that. That being said, my. My husband. Kind of. That the kids won't remember even if we introduce Mom's boyfriend.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would. I would not introduce Mom's boyfriend. Absolutely not.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

They're not ready for that.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would talk about if it's still okay. Granddaddy got real, real sick and he died.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And we miss him so, so much. And whenever your kid brings up granddad, it's okay. I think it's healthy for you to look at your son or your daughter and to drop your shoulders and say, I'm so sad he got very, very sick and that he died. I'm very. Mommy's very sad. And that way they don't feel crazy. I miss grandpa. Where is he? I miss him too.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And let them see almost an over expressive, like demonstrative. Let them see your shoulders, like record big. Let him see that in their mom and in their dad. And maybe bring them along and ask if they want to write a letter to granddad.

[Felix]

Oh, that's heavy.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or draw a picture for granddad.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because we don't want those kids to learn in our house, if there's a tragedy, we don't talk about it. We keep it quiet and we bury.

[Felix]

It a thousand percent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You want to show them? I wrote a grown up letter to granddad. He's not going to be able to read it because he died, but I wanted some things I wanted to tell him. And when I get sad, this is how I do it. Will you draw him a picture? Maybe he can see it from up in heaven. Right. We're gonna. We're gonna use that kind of language.

[Felix]

Okay. For sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But we're teaching them life will hit us in the mouth a thousand different times over the course of our life. And we don't hold it. And it's okay to talk about it in this house. And it's okay to be sad and grown ups get sad and dads cry, moms get their heart broken and all that. Yeah, but I just know the data, the stats on abuse, the stats on all that stuff. And I'm not. I'm not putting my kids with boyfriends or any of that kind of stuff until I've firmly vetted those. Those dudes.

[Felix]

Oh, yeah? Yeah. I don't know this man. And I don't. I don't have any interest in introducing my kids anytime soon.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The way you said that is the right way to say it because mom is going to say, this is my new husband. This is your new father in law. And your. Your language was perfect. Katie, I don't know this man. Yes, he is a dude at a TJ Maxx. I don't know that guy. Right y. And she might vet him. Doesn't matter. At some point, if she marries him and it's going to be forever. Your husband and in you. Y'all can take him to coffee and do an interview before he has access to your children.

[Felix]

Oh, I love that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, I need to, like, hey, you're marrying my mom with arms crossed. Tell me about yourself. Right.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He is guilty until proven innocent. Not really, but you know what I mean.

[Felix]

Absolutely. Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he's a man of character and integrity, he enters that coffee, that. That lunch at Cracker Barrel with such grace and dignity and humility. And if he's a total prick and he's like, you don't talk to me that way, then he's. That's all you need to know. Right?

[Felix]

Exactly. Yep.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I just tell you, Sister Katie, I'm heartbroken for you. I'm sorry.

[Felix]

Thank you so much. We are. We are, too.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. Have y'all done a holiday yet? Have you all done Christmas yet?

[Felix]

We have. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Y'all did a first Christmas without him.

[Felix]

Yeah. So we just hit the. The first year mark on October 4th.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. My guess is last Thanksgiving. Christmas are somewhat watery, blurry.

[Felix]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. This one's going to be real hard.

[Felix]

I'm not looking forward to that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Nope. And so here's what I want you to do. I want you to head directly into it. What does that mean? Make him a plate for Thanksgiving. Make him a seat.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And everybody go around the table and say one thing they miss about granddad that they're grateful for.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

At Christmas, put a stocking on the wall. We're not going to go through the rest of our life pretending that this powerful, important man didn't play an amazing role in our life. And also that we have so much guilt that we didn't know we didn't say the right thing. We wish we had. We're just going to head straight into it.

[Felix]

A thousand percent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Because otherwise there's going to be an empty seat at that table. There's not going to be any seat at that table. And everyone's going to be thinking about it.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And secrets are what bury families in these moments.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Felix]

Secrets are what took my father in law.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. We're not doing secrets. Not at this house. We're going to have a seat for Granddad and we're all going to say something we miss. And your kids are going to see mommy and daddy cry. But there'll be tears of gratitude at Thanksgiving at dinner. Okay. Is that cool?

[Felix]

I'll do that. A thousand percent.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Can I revise something I just said?

[Felix]

Yes, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would probably not put a plate there for A four year old. That's going to confuse that kid. He's too young.

[Felix]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I would go around the table and say something that you're grateful for.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That you miss. About Granddad.

[Felix]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Don't put a table there because he's gonna be waiting. Because, yeah, developmentally that four year old's gonna be waiting for him to show up and he won't show up. That'll be too weird for him. But I do think it's important to have a gratitude moment around the table during Thanksgiving and potentially have a moment at Christmas. Talk about Christmas. Talk about what grandpa used to do before he got sick. He'd dress up like Santa and be silly and be goofy or he would always bring candy or. You guys don't remember this, but granddad used to tell those stories. Tell those stories. Tell those stories. I'm grateful for you, Katie. I'm so sorry. Your kids are lucky to have you and your husband's lucky to have you. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. This month is all about gratitude, and most of us have a person or two we'd like to shout out for helping us out somewhere along our life's journey. I'd like to take a moment to thank two people who have transformed my life. One is the great Marilyn Fannin, and two is the great and powerful Dr. Jean Will Thompson. Marilyn gave me a chance when no one should have. She brought me along and taught me poise and professionalism, and she challenged me when I needed help. And Jean Noel taught me how to be a dad, a husband, a professional, and how to balance the seemingly impossible weight of caring for a whole bunch of people all at the same time. Big time. Thanks to Marilyn and Jean Noel and for all you listeners. I know you have people in your own life that you're grateful for, and hopefully you stop and thank them. But there's one person that we often don't take time to think enough ourselves. We don't always acknowledge that we're surviving or moving forward. We're grinding towards a better life, better relationships, and a better world. And in a world where everything's gone bonkers, this isn't easy. So here's my reminder to thank the people in your life, including you. And sometimes we need more than just a thank you. We need some professional and personal help. We need to talk to someone who is trained to help us discover true gratitude for ourselves and others, especially during the holiday seasons. That's why I recommend my friends a BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy. You can talk with your therapist anytime, so it's convenient for your schedule. Just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. Plus, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This holiday season, let the gratitude flow with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com deloney all right, we're back. Kelly. Am I the problem? It's me.

[Kelly]

First of all, we need some more Am I the problem? And cool crap that happened. Okay, so please send them in. Email them to askjohnseysolutions.com and put in, you know, the beginning of it. Am I the problem? Or cool crap that happened. So we know. Thank you. All right, this is from Caroline. She says, my two adult sisters and I rent a house together. I'm the oldest of the three. I'm struggling with resentment around household chores. I've always been more tidy than my sisters, and mess bothers me way more than it bothers them, so I clean it up. One sister suggested we have assigned chores. I don't like that idea because I tried that in the past in a different living situation and ended up becoming the mom of the housemates, reminding them to do their chores and then doing them myself because it bothered me. So assigning chores didn't solve the problem or my resentment issues in the past scenario. I've been mom to my sisters growing up. One is 11 years younger than me and one is four years younger than me, and I don't want to be their mom anymore. Plus, any discussion about assigning chores won't happen unless I spearhead it and make it happen. Still as it is, I do the yard work, the dishes, pay most of the bills, submit the work order request, do most of the cleaning, et cetera. I don't want to take on the task of spearheading a chores assignment, meeting, writing up the chores, reminding people to do them and then do them anyway. But then I feel bad for getting upset because I know it's a personality thing and I know they aren't trying to take advantage of me. They just don't care about the clutter and the mess as much as I do. Is it understandable that I get upset with their little participation, or am I the problem?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, she. Man, she. She twisted up that last question is, is she the problem here? I'm gonna say, yes, she's the problem, and here's why. The way she asked the question, is it okay that she's upset that they don't do any chores? Of course that they're not helping with anything. Of course she should be upset about that, but that's not where the problem is. The problem is they're all adults, and for decades, they've had the same rhythms and routines and relationship dynamics. And so for her to re. Enter into those as housemates and then pretend they're all going to suddenly change and pretend like she just keeps sticking her hand back in the bag and there's a rattlesnake in there. It keeps biting her, and she's like, stop biting me. And then she just shoves her hand back in the bag, and at some point, the rattlesnakes. A rattlesnake. You're 11. Your sister that's 11 years younger than you just doesn't clean up. You can make peace with it, or you can get frustrated by it. Here's the thing. She doesn't want to be their mother, and she is 100, acting like their mother. Contempt always leads to you being alone. Always. Because contempt is hierarchical. It is you on top of a ladder, looking down. I somehow am better than you. And you might not think I'm better than you, but I'm raw. Yes, you're the problem. Here's why. Either move out or make peace with it. Your sisters are messy. Do the lawn work. Lawn work. Pay the bills. Or say, guys, I'm going to get my own place, and I can keep it as tidy and clean and teaching as I want to. That's my thought. What do you think, Kelly? Be so funny if you're like, you're an idiot.

[Kelly]

No, actually, I agree, because I'm a bit of a neat freak. So I knew I've had a roommate before that wasn't and wasn't her fault. That's just who she was. So it was better for me to live by myself. New New York, of course, now my roommate, who happens to be my husband, it's also the same way. Different story.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But that's a different next show when Kelly calls in with all of her marriage drama. Tune in. Love, you guys. Bye.