Our Marriage Is Sexually Dead

Summary

Podcast Summary – The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Our Marriage Is Sexually Dead
Date: March 9, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony takes on deeply personal and challenging questions from callers dealing with relationship struggles—specifically, sexless marriage, disconnection, and enabling in the face of addiction. The show is candid, compassionate, and focused on actionable next steps, emphasizing the importance of personal ownership, honest communication, and mutual respect in navigating these tough issues.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Sexless Marriage and Marital Disconnection

[02:10] - [17:39] Caller: Anne from Austin, Texas

Caller’s Situation

• Married for 28 years, together 30+ years; 15-year age gap.
• Sexual challenges began about 20 years ago due to husband’s erectile dysfunction (ED), doctor attempts, but no solution.
• Anne feels "cheated" out of her sexual and intimate life and sees other couples with vibrant relationships.
• Has tried to leave twice but returned each time; torn between devotion and dissatisfaction.

Dr. Delony’s Approach and Insights

• Immediate focus on underlying marital disconnection beyond just the sexual issue:
  • Activities, parenting, money, travel, general relationship values—all mentioned as disconnected.
• Delony stresses compassion and reframes the problem:
  • “You have not been cheated out of anything. You have chosen repeatedly to stay by the side of the guy you married.” ([07:28])
• Encourages radical ownership and I-statements in approaching the future.
• Notable Framework Shared (Terry Real):
  1. State your experience
  2. Share the story you made up about what happened
  3. Share how you feel about the story
  4. State what you will do next ([11:00]).
• Emphasizes that blame and “you-statements” lead to walls and conflict. Instead, honest, vulnerable conversations are required for true connection and clarity about next steps.

Notable Quotes

• “If behavior is a language, what is your husband telling you?” ([09:06])
• “Nobody wants to be with somebody who’s getting past it.” ([15:37])
• “Making your choice and choosing to stew and resent and anger and blame—that is a recipe for a withered, exhausting life. And I want more for you.” ([17:38])

Recommended Next Steps

• Use I-statements to express needs and feelings.
• Invite husband to an honest, present conversation. If he refuses, recognize behavior is also an answer.
• Acknowledge both have choices: Stay and co-create change, or choose separate paths—but each must own those choices fully.

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2. Marital Communication & Mutual Interest

[22:06] - [38:12] Caller: Gabrielle from Cleveland, Ohio

Caller’s Situation

• Works in law enforcement/crisis; struggles to communicate about her work with husband.
• No matter how she presents her day, she feels dismissed, belittled, or made to feel evasive; husband seems disinterested.
• Gabrielle feels blocked from real conversation and questioned about her own value.

Dr. Delony’s Approach and Insights

• Shares personal experience of growing distant from spouse due to not knowing how to share difficult work.
• Advises grieving the spouse's inability to be “everything,” and finding alternate support channels (friends, counselors).
• Identifies deeper issue: This dynamic suggests her husband may not genuinely like or be interested in her, not just her job.
• Encourages using Terry Real’s framework for vulnerability and clarity in communication.
• Suggests the importance of being both known and celebrated by one another in marriage.

Notable Quotes

• “If behavior is a language, what is he telling you?” ([27:47])
• “You can be right or you can be married.” ([34:46])
• “Will you give me a path so that we can talk and hang out and communicate?” ([33:25])
• “You're his wife for more than a quarter century, period, end of story.” ([37:31])

Recommended Next Steps

• Frame a direct, vulnerable conversation with husband about what she’s experiencing, the story she’s making up, how it feels, and what she’d like to be different.
• Grieve what’s missing, but also demand the dignity of being seen and known in a marriage of 27 years.

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3. Supporting a Partner in Recovery

[41:22] - [47:23] Caller: Wayne from Houston, Texas

Caller’s Situation

• Newly engaged to a recovering drug addict (four years on cocaine, now five months sober).
• Recent wedding planning stresses have led fiancée to relapse with alcohol (not cocaine, yet).
• She’s not involved in professional treatment—“white knuckling” sobriety; fears that treatment will make people forget her.
• Wayne struggles to help her and wonders about his own role.

Dr. Delony’s Approach and Insights

• Emphasizes Wayne cannot take away his fiancée's stress, as it is deeply rooted in her nervous system and addiction.
• Stresses the crucial need for professional help—white knuckling is unlikely to succeed.
• Warns that entering marriage without real recovery will lead to cycles of relapse and pain: “If you want to marry her, just know you’re carrying the whole barbell.” ([47:15])
• Advocates for pausing plans and insisting on treatment out of love, not punishment.
• Reinforces that Wayne can only control his boundaries and choices, not hers.

Notable Quotes

• “I love you enough to look you in the eye and tell you I’m ready to pause this marriage thing for the time being.” ([43:44])
• “You have to look at somebody who you love deeply and say, I feel like I love you more than you love yourself.” ([46:17])

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Memorable Moments

Listener Story [49:25]:

• Lighthearted “Cool Crap That Happened” segment: Listener shares her son’s proposal on top of a mountain at Yellowstone, ending with a fan-tribute “Near Near!”

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:10] – Anne’s marriage and sexual disconnection
• [05:32] – “I want to be direct with you”—Dr. Delony begins reframing
• [07:28] – Ownership vs. cheat narrative
• [11:00] – Terry Real’s communication framework
• [13:18] – Steps for honest conversation and moving forward
• [22:06] – Gabrielle’s issues with marital communication/interest
• [27:47] – Delony reframes: Is your husband interested in you?
• [33:25] – Crafting a vulnerable, direct request for connection
• [41:22] – Wayne and supporting a partner’s sobriety
• [43:44] – “Pause the wedding” and insist on professional help
• [47:15] – Consequences of carrying the “whole barbell” of marriage

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Style & Takeaways

• The tone is empathetic, direct, and no-nonsense, blending compassion with accountability.
• Dr. Delony repeatedly emphasizes self-ownership, courageous vulnerability, and real-world, actionable advice over easy fixes.
• Listeners are encouraged to seek growth, not blame, and to address challenges as shared realities, not isolated failures.
• Humor and lightness pepper the episode, particularly in off-topic and listener engagement segments, keeping the mood balanced even amid heavy topics.

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Essential Quotes & Moments

• [07:28] “You have not been cheated out of anything. You have chosen repeatedly to stay..."
• [11:00] “Here’s the path: state your experience, describe the story you’ve made up, express how you feel, and say what you’ll do next.”
• [15:37] “Nobody wants to be with somebody who’s getting past it.”
• [27:47] “If behavior is a language, what is he telling you?”
• [43:44] “I love you enough to look you in the eye and tell you I’m ready to pause this marriage thing…”

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Summary Conclusion

This episode presents a raw, honest look at the real struggles couples face—whether it’s growing apart, dealing with intimacy failure, or navigating addiction—and offers a path based on radical ownership, direct communication, and relentless personal growth. Dr. John Delony urges listeners not to settle for resentment or silent suffering, but instead, to take real action, whether that means standing strong for change inside the relationship—or knowing when to walk away for personal dignity and long-term health.

Transcript

[Caller]

When we were first together, it was pretty awesome. Sex, relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues in the bedroom.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The way I hear you talking about your husband is accusatory and blaming, and it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. What's going on? This is John with Dr. Judge DeLoney Show. As we're recording this, the world is melting down, and I think it makes this show even more important. A place where we're going to pull up a seat and try to figure out what's the next right move. Because screaming, yelling, running around. Like, it's not just adding chaos to chaos. And that's what the show is, man. Pull up a seat. Real people with real challenges. We're going to figure out what's the next. What's the next right move, man. What is the next right move for all of us? If you want to be on the show, go to john deloney.com/a S K. And I got power back in my house after the Nashville storms. Kelly, you got. You're. You're all good.

[Kelly]

Yeah. We only lost power for just a few hours.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, I'm done talking to you. I'm just kidding. It's cool. Like, it's like a competition.

[Kelly]

I know. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

My situation is worse than yours.

[Kelly]

And someone's like, people ask, like, how was your. Your I. Storm was like, we only lost power. I feel apologetic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, sorry.

[Kelly]

My power company's great.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I feel apologetic about last night. I was at. At the comedy club, and somebody in the green room was like, oh, I'm. I'm out for the next week still. I was like, oh, okay. I'll just be quiet here. Right. It's like. But yeah, it's not like a. A race to see who got it the worst. It's like a. It should be a race to how can we take care of each other? So it's awesome. Thank you for all the calls that you. You in. Text you sent me telling me how you were worried about me.

[Kelly]

Kelly, I sent you a text and asked how you guys were doing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I said thank you, and I didn't

[Kelly]

get an answer back for a week because you were hunting while your poor wife and daughter were pioneering.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, let's go out to Austin, Texas, and talk to Anne. What's up?

[Caller]

Ann, thank you so much for having me on your show.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course.

[Caller]

I'm a big fan, and my daughter is actually an even bigger fan. She's the one that turned me onto your show. She's been listening for a long time.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But does that make for awkward conversations between you and your daughter? Are y' all pretty co. We are.

[Caller]

Super cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very good.

[Caller]

Yeah. Super cool. And nothing's really awkward with us. We know, I think, pretty much everything about each other, which makes it a wonderful relationship with us.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's a whole other phone call. Okay, so what's up? Yes, it is.

[Caller]

So I am in a relationship for over 30 years now. Married for about 28. And when we were first together, it was pretty awesome. Everything, sex, relationship, everything. And then about 20 years ago, he started having issues that he wasn't even being honest with me about. About in the bedroom and erectile dysfunction. Yes, sir. That's what it is. And it wasn't too bad in the beginning. And, you know, we. I finally, after a couple of years, finally got him to go see a doctor, and he gave him some different things to try. And at first it worked, but then a couple years into it, it didn't. Nothing. Nothing works. Now he's completely dead. Like, there's dead down there. There's nothing. Nothing happening. And it's. It's been very frustrating over the years because I am 15 years younger than him, and I feel like I've spent my younger life without having a very healthy sexual relationship with my husband. I feel like I've been cheated, you know, out of that part of my life. And I see my. My friends on, like, second and third marriages, and they just have such a healthy relationship and sex life, and they're happy. And I'm like, why do I. After being in this and being so devoted and, you know, so patient, why did this happen to us? And I love him very much. I tried to leave twice for different reasons. That was part of it. And I keep coming back. I can't leave him. I can't, like, be with him. I can't be without him. I don't know what I'm doing. That was a lot. I'm sorry.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, I was going to say there's a lot to unpack here. And trying to think of the best approach here. What. What. Where else are y' all not together?

[Caller]

Probably in activities is one of them. Like, he doesn't want to do anything. Like I said, we do have that age gap. Like, I am active, you know, and I like to go to parks and go places and stuff. And, I mean, he just wants to work and sit and watch TV and drink.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where else?

[Caller]

What else do we have that we're not in common with? Traveling. I want to travel, and he doesn't want to travel.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about your money?

[Caller]

Money, yeah. We're not in sync about that either right now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What about your kids?

[Caller]

Probably We've always disagreed about our kids, okay. He has much different ideas about our kids. We have grown adult children now.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay? So here's. Here's what I want to do with this conversation, okay? I want to back all the way out. I'm going to be super direct with you. Is that cool?

[Caller]

That's why I called.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. I have a. A. A buddy of mine, a close, close friend of mine who was texting me from the hospital last night.

[Gabrielle]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

While his wife is going undergoing cancer surgery for stage four cancer, and she has a medical challenge. She's struggling, and he's. I'll get choked up here. He's ride or die.

[Gabrielle]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the way I hear you talk about your husband's. I'm going to frame it one way, but then we'll expand it, okay? So it's going to sound like I'm attacking you at first. We'll expand it, okay? So I'll be fair. The way I hear you talking about your husband's dead down there is accusatory and blaming, and it lacks a compassion that makes me sad. Like, if you. If you're with somebody fully and their body is struggling, that's Y' all struggle, right? But it also can reveal, oh, we're not together on anything. And for most of us in our lives, we don't know how to talk about money. We don't know how to talk about shared values. We don't know how to have conversations about. I really don't feel like hiking. But you know what? You do. And I've never felt bad after a hike, so let's go. Right? Or I don't like watching tv, but you know what? Tonight you pick a show, right? There's a togetherness, and sex is often the only thing we have left. So I guess what I want to start this conversation with is. And it becomes the epicenter I want you to own. You have not been cheated out of anything. You have chosen repeatedly to stay by the side of the guy you married.

[Caller]

That's true.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And your path out of this will be full, 100%, you owning your choices. Okay. And so you haven't cheated on anything. You've chosen to stay.

[Caller]

I did.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And so let's just own it. And for whatever reason, whether he's got medical issues, psychological issues, going through great depression, whatever he's going through, he has also made choices. Right? And you can be heartbroken by his choices. You can be frustrated by his choices, but I never want you to lose sight of this. You get to decide what you do next, and you have to own that decision. Right? And that, to me, is about maintaining character and integrity and dignity, regardless of what you do next. And so if we back all the way out, y' all haven't been together, y' all haven't been united. Y' all haven't anchored into the same block ever, right? Or maybe since you were very, very first married.

[Caller]

So this is just how I feel about it. Like, in the beginning. I was just 21 in the beginning of all this and lost my father at a young age. And he came into my life, and he was like everything I was lacking pretty much, and then some.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does he want to be married to you?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If behavior is a language, does he want to be married to you?

[Caller]

I. I think so. I'm. When. When I left him before, he did nothing but pursue me. He wouldn't leave me alone until he got me dating him again and back in the house. And you know what I mean? Like, with him again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't know what you mean. Like, sleeping with him again.

[Caller]

I did, and he actually. It was. It was actually kind of better at that point. And then I moved back in. And then someone told me, if you move back in without trying to, you know, work out the problems that caused it to begin with, it's going to happen all over again. And it did. It's hard to get him into counseling. I even talked to him about counseling, and he's like, sure, I'll go with you. And I'm like, I think you need to go on your own, too. And I do. Like, we both need separate counseling as well as together to work it out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if behavior is a language, what he's telling you is, I want you. I do. But I'm not interested in doing the work that I need to do physically, emotionally, spiritually. I'm just not. I'm not into it.

[Caller]

No, he's not. I've even said that because we're.

[Gabrielle]

We're Christians.

[Caller]

And I told one of my counselors from my old church I used to go to, when we were talking, I was like, I feel like the spiritual leader in my home doesn't exist. Like, I feel like I am okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so Terry Real has a great framework that I love. Love. It's super simple. Okay. When you're faced with something in your marriage that you want to change, most of us try to communicate, to get the other person to do what we want them to do,

[Gabrielle]

okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that never, ever works. Because what it does is we end up complaining, nagging, fighting, screaming, silencing. Like all those. All those things we find ourselves becoming somebody we don't even want to be. Right. Have you found yourself there?

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, I found myself there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. Nobody wants to, like, have a bad day the moment they open their eyes, Right. And feel bitter and feel resentful and all that. So here's the path he gives, and I absolutely love it because it's key here, is it retains autonomy. I'm driving my car, right. And here's what it is you say out loud, here's what I experienced. Number two, here's the story I made up about what happened. Number three, here's how I feel about the story I just made up. Number four, here's what I'm going to do now. And my guess is the stories you have created around this slow drift apart from each other that's happened over 20 years is inside getting inside his head and trying to figure out why he's doing or not doing what he's doing.

[Caller]

I've been trying to do that. And I feel like he's. He's old now and he doesn't. He hates it. Like he's fighting this age thing like crazy. And I think he's depressed. Of course, career hasn't gone well. He knows he's not, you know, that we're not great. He thinks his kids hate him because, like, for different things, that's another phone call.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure.

[Caller]

Like you said. But here's what.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Here's what he knows for sure, 100%. He knows his wife doesn't like him.

[Wayne]

No,

[Caller]

I don't really. I love him.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know, I know. I know. There's a lot of people that I love that I don't like them.

[Caller]

Yeah, right. You're right about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it's hard to do anything when you look over and you know your wife doesn't like you.

[Caller]

I actually told him the one night when he was trying to kiss me. I was like, I'm not even attracted to you. And I was. Felt so bad about that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What was his response?

[Gabrielle]

He was so hurt.

[Caller]

He just. He just ignored it. And the next day he didn't talk about it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

He avoids it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so here's. Here's the path I want you to follow. Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not going to give you permission to leave. You have to. You have to take that permission on yourself. That. What I'll. What I'll tell you is you have to be honest about the choices you have made, and then you have to be very honest about the choices you're going to make moving forward.

[Caller]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And that begins with a whole bunch of I statements. I want to be married to you, and I want to have sex with you. I want to travel with you. I want to do things other than drink and watch TV with you. I miss you. I'm willing to fill in the blank. The stories I've made up are. You can't get it up. You don't want to have sex with me because you don't think I'm beautiful, because you're lazy, because you don't even care about us, because all those other things. The story I've made up is you don't want to be on the same page with me, with your money, because you think I'm stupid, because you think I'm just your daughter.

[Caller]

That's exactly how I felt.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay?

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All these stories you're making up. It is helpful to look across the table, not in a fight, but in a direct way, and say, I've made up these stories. Are they true? And here's the thing. Some of them will be true. And y' all have to reckon with that. If. If he had looked at you and said, hey, whenever I lean in to kiss you, you back up. The story I'm making up about that is, you're not even attracted to me anymore. You. If you're a person. And he would have said, that makes me feel bad. And here's what I'm going to do. I'm. I'm opening my hands to you. How do I become more attractive for you? And you'd have to be honest and say, the story you made up is right. I'm not, but it's probably. I've seen jillions of old couples with age spots and their skin sagging off their bodies, and they are gross in love. My guess is you are less attracted to his being, his essence, his giving up.

[Caller]

Yeah. It's not real attractive. And he also stopped working on himself, and he's starting to not look even as appealing. But that I can get past, you know, if.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, but nobody wants to be with somebody who's getting past it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

Right. Yeah.

[Caller]

You know what I'm saying everything, though, that I. Whenever I approach him with anything, maybe it's the way I'm approaching it. I don't know if it's probably my fault.

[Gabrielle]

I don't know.

[Caller]

But it's always an attack. He feels that everything is an Attack. He won't have a real discussion, like an adult discussion. It's always, always an attack. And I can't get around it. There's no way. I've tried so many times

[Gabrielle]

to talk

[Caller]

to him, and it just never ends up good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's the thing, sometimes. So it's gonna sound cheesy, think of connection, focused communication. Why are we communicating? So I want you to. I want you to be different. I want you to do what I want you to do. I want something from you, or I want to get to the thing beneath the thing beneath the thing. And if you approach communication, not transmitting data, but in trying to connect with somebody, trying to understand and acknowledge them, as Jefferson says, the. Sometimes you try to connect and connect, and you realize this is disconnected. And so I don't know a path forward for you other than to say, tonight, I want to have a hard conversation, but I need you to be present with me and not leave. And it might be you holding his face. It might be you holding both of his hands and saying, look at me directly in the eyes. I love you, and you are my husband, and we need to have a hard conversation, and I need you to stay present with me tonight. Will you do that?

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if he says no, then behavior, like. Behavior is a language. Right?

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then we're going to sit down and say, here's the I statements. I miss you. I love you. I want to be with you. And I have made up the following stories.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't know what to do next.

[Caller]

That's fair.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then he gets to say, you're right. I don't know. Maybe he'll open up with you about how terrifying it is. I hear this from men all the time. It's a. It's a psychological unspooling when they start the initial stages of struggling with Ed. But if you sit down at the table and you've said over and over, you're not doing anything, all you want to do is watch tv. You never want to come do this with me. When you start sentences like this in these moments with the word you, it's an attack. People. People wall up, or they shut down, or they wall up, or they grab their sword and their shield and they go to war with you. And then if he says, I don't want to talk, I can't talk about this stuff. I'm not going to counseling. I'm not going back to the doctor. This is my lot in life. Then you get to decide what you do next. The only thing I'll tell you is making your choice and then just choosing to stew. Of course you're going to grieve, of course you're going to be sad as bloody hell. All that. But choosing to just stew and resent and anger and blame, that is a recipe for a withered, exhausting life. And I want more for him. I want more for you. I want more for y'. All. I want more for your kids, for your neighbors, for everybody. And by the way, looking at your friends who are on their second, third marriages being like, look how much, dude, maybe. But as you probably know, very few people know what's actually going on behind closed doors in other people's homes. So keep your eyes on your own paper on this one. Thanks for the call, sister. It's an honor to get to talk to you. I really would love to know how this follow up conversation goes and I would love, love, love to talk to your husband. I spent my career behind closed doors talking with guys in the situation. I'd love to talk to him if you'd have the courage to call. We come back, A woman asks how to talk with her husband about her work when he is so dismissive. Most of us don't think about our mattresses until we're tossing and turning and waking up exhausted. But sleep is the foundation for everything. Your mood, your relationships, even your mental and physical health. You can't fake being well rested. This is why I sleep on a Helix mattress. And this is why my whole family sleeps on Helix mattresses too. We started with one in our house and now every bed in our home has a Helix mattress. Here's why. Helix makes mattresses for real people, not just average sleepers. So whether you run hot, sleep on your side, crash on your back, whatever, Helix builds the mattresses for you. I took their sleep quiz and they matched me with the exact right fit in like two minutes. It's easy, it's online, and it has made a massive difference in how I sleep and how I function during the day. Right now, Helix is giving my audience an exclusive 27 off all mattress purchases site wide. Go to Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com DeLoney to get 27% off your mattress. That's helixsleep.com DeLoney and be sure to tell them you heard about their amazing mattresses right here on the Dr. John DeLoney show with Helix. Better sleep starts right now. Y' all hear me joking all the time about how much I hate being online. I'm not joking. I don't love it. But the truth is, I'm everywhere online. I'm on podcast, social media, YouTube. And because of that, my personal information is my face even is everywhere. And that's why I joined Delete me. And just because you're not a podcaster and you don't have a YouTube show doesn't mean your information is not also all over the Internet. Everyone's information is everywhere. Your phone number, your home address, even old email accounts. It's all out there on data broker websites that buy and sell your information and get rid of it to the highest bidder. I don't want to worry about scammers having my personal details about me and my family. And I know you don't either. Delete me Scans hundreds of data broker sites find your personal information and they remove it for you. And they keep checking on you month after month. Clean up the digital clutter and take back the parts of your life you never meant to share. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney for 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Let's go to Gabrielle in Cleveland, Ohio. Hey, Gabrielle.

[Caller]

Hello, Dr. D. How are you?

[Gabrielle]

Well, I'm only on my third personality today, so I'd say I'm ahead of the game.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm on, like, number nine. Kelly is. Well, she only has one personality, and it's a laser. Well, good for you. I'm glad you're only on three. What's going on?

[Gabrielle]

Yeah, yeah. I have a question for you. I work in a similar field that you used to work in with law enforcement and helping people in crisis. And when I get home of a day, my husband will ask how my workday went. And it seems like no matter how I answer it, it's doesn't land well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is it not land well? Because he pats you on the head and goes, oh, that's cute. You should do real work like me. Or does he not go well because he doesn't want to hear the stories or especially in police culture. But lots of jobs, there's a lot of internal lingo, and you start talking to people and really know what you're talking about. You know what I mean? Like, where does the. Where does that come from?

[Gabrielle]

I'm not real sure. Like, when I first started in this position, I would share some general information. You know, just talk about the different kind of struggles people were having. And then he came back with, hey, I didn't sign up to do that job.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle]

So I changed and then started sharing, like, lighthearted, funny coworker stories. And then it turned into snide comments about having a lot of free time and not working very hard. So at this point, I'm like, I don't really. Then I switched to just good, busy, lots of meetings. And so now he feels like I'm evasive. And so when I ask about his workday, that's how he responds.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Gotcha. So there's a couple things here. One, I experienced the same thing you did. When I started working. Crisis work. I remember coming home and I told my wife what had happened the night before. She'd been asleep. I got a call out. I showed up at a house. Somebody had died. It was a whole big thing. I was taking care of a parent. It was a mess. Right. And I could see as I was explaining what was happening, that this was an onslaught for her, for my wife. And I remember saying, oh, I. I remember feeling. I don't know if I said it. It was years ago. I'm gonna. I need to keep this to myself.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I need to not talk about this. And what ended up happening was we got real separate real fast.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because I had this whole other world. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it was easy for me if my wife came home and said, one of my graduate students did this last night. And I'm like, oh, yeah, Well, I clean brains up off. Right. It was like a. It became this. I. I felt this weird, competitive. Like, I'm holding all of this in. I have no one to talk to about it. Right. So what we had to develop. And, dude, we got separate real fast.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What we had to develop is, in a weird way, some coded language to where she would say she didn't know the work I was doing, the. The details of it. She didn't know the horror and how hard it is sometimes. And like you mentioned how slow it is. There was nights I did patrol for hours. We did nothing. No calls. Right. So it could also be very boring. Right. And we had to. She. But she never lost interest in me. And so we had to develop with us two things. One, her asking, how was last night? And I would say, it was really hard. Or it was a slow night. And if I said it was really hard, I wouldn't. I wouldn't bury her in details, but she would come give me a hug and just hold me for a minute. And the second thing that was really important was I had to develop relationships with people that I could talk about this stuff with. And I went through a grieving process because I really wanted all of that to be her.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I realized that was unfair because like your husband said, she didn't sign up. There's a reason she didn't go into that work.

[Caller]

Right, right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I had to grieve, like, oh, I wanted you to be my 100% of all things, all my friend and my lover and a co parent. And, and that' not a. That's not a fair weight to dump on somebody. So it's my job to find people, whether a professional counselor, to process some of the stuff. My supervisor, Dr. Young, who I would talk to about, or my colleagues or whatever people I could talk to about what I'd seen and experienced. And so I could get some wisdom, some perspective, just some venting, all that kind of stuff. Right. So that's number one.

[Kelly]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think, I think in, in some ways he's right there, but I think in your situation, it's revealing a deeper issue.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Which is the story you're making up about him is my husband doesn't like me.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

He doesn't, he doesn't like to hang out with me.

[Gabrielle]

I don't, I don't know if I feel that way. I just don't know. I feel like I'm not saying the right. I'm not given the right response.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right.

[Caller]

And that's like if I.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Very people pleaser of you. Which is, which is, which is darling. But if we back out and behavior is a language, it's also heartbreaking. If behavior is a language, what is he telling you?

[Gabrielle]

It feels like not interested no matter what I say.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, sit on that for a second. Because my guess is your whole life you've been trying to figure out what's so wrong with me.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle]

You're quick.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you've tried to tell him about the, the, the blood and the guts. And he was like, ew. And you tried to tell him about the fun stuff and he's like. And then you try to tell him about the, the high level activities and he's like, lame.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Gabrielle]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And what that says is, I'm not interested in you. Which to. And again, I don't want to pit your husband against my wife, but when we went through a similar thing, what I got loud and clear is, I'm very interested in you, but I can't handle that. Or here's another thing. When I was a track coach, I was a high school track coach for a few years. I was obsessed. I knew everybody's times, everybody's Splits. Everybody's every. I was always cranking out, dude, the guy ran a 47.5.201. And. And she finally said, john, I can't tell you how little I care about track times. I just can't. I care about how excited you are and how much you love your job and what a great coach you are. With these young people, I could care less about their times. And so it became a joke in her house. She's like, you got 30 seconds on times. Go. All right. And I'd be like, okay. He ran. Really like. Or even now I do. She is just not into standup comedy like I am. But now when I get home from a set, she'll be like, all right, your best joke. I don't want to hear it. Just, what was it about? And I light up like a Christmas tree. I'm like, okay, here we go. Right? And so. And. And I do the same thing for her on the stuff that she's studying and she writes about and stuff. But all I have to say is we are interested in each other, and, yeah, we don't have to be interested in the same things each one is interested in. In fact, that makes our marriage more awesome. My concern for you is it sounds like your husband just doesn't care.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Gabrielle]

That's the way it feels. That's the way it lands.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so the path forward is. It's just like I told the previous caller here, the path forward is just following that simple Terry real framework, which is, hey, honey, I want to have a. Like a. Just a direct conversation with you. Number one, here's what I'm experiencing. Number two, here's the story I'm making up about it. Number three, here's how I feel about that story. Here's how my body feels right now. Number four, here's what I would like to be different. And that is a scary, vulnerable thing, because you've been overplaying relationships probably for. Since you were a little girl.

[Gabrielle]

Pretty much.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So, like, brass tax. Hey, husband, can we have a. A serious talk? Oh, okay. What now? Like, whatever. I don't know what he's gonna say or he might say. Yeah, of course, I would love to talk to you. I don't know. He might be wonderful. I've tried to talk to you this way. I've tried to talk to you that way. I've tried to talk to you this way. The story I'm choosing to make up is you don't like me. I'm annoying to be around. You don't have any interest in my life. I'm making up the story, but it makes me feel small. Makes me feel less than. I would love it if you would give me a path so that we can connect and communicate. Because I just love chitchat. I just love talking with you. You're my friend. I love you. You see how that's an invitation?

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

A very vulnerable, scary, terrifying. Because he could say, yeah, you're annoying. I don't like you. Or he could gaslight the crap out of you. Of course I like you. I. I work hard, put money in the account and what?

[Caller]

Yep. Nope.

[Gabrielle]

That'd probably be the route right there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you could say, thank you. Here's a road map for how I would like to be loved right now. It was a shock to me when my wife said one of her. When I learned that chitchat was an aphrodisiac in my house. Let me put it that way. I did not know that. I've been in a lot of locker rooms in my life, and no one has ever said, dude, you know how to get your girl fired up. Chit chat and calendar time. No one ever said those things. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so it may be that your husband's just running a bad script, or he's never taken the time, or you've never allowed yourself to be seen and known.

[Caller]

Probably a little bit of both.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Usually that's how it works. Like somebody sees that the other person's not really super interested in seeing them or knowing them. They never celebrate them. And so you start to guard that area. I don't want to be known. Right. I don't want to be. I like my job. I don't think this is dumb. I'm helping people.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I'm going to hold it back, and then all of a sudden you get this gulf just appears between the two of you.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah. Because I feel like trying to respect him. Not wanting to know the details is coming across like I'm being evasive.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. But. But the path through that. That there's tension there. Right?

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so. And you're in a position now where you can't win. I try to tell you everything. It was too much. I'm trying to hold it back. It's not enough. And so the only path to peace in your marriage is through that tension. That's where the connection is. And it is. Okay. I've tried this. I've tried this. I've tried this. The story I'm making up is you don't like me.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Will you give me a path so that we can talk and hang out and communicate. And by the way, once a week, I'm going to go hang out with my girlfriends because I need someone I can talk to you about this.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah. I have a couple of people that I can talk about. Buffett, and I do. So I have. I at least have that. And it's not so much for me and need to want to go into detail about it with him because I don't know that he'd get it anyway. He has his strong opinions about stuff, so I'm just.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But does he give you.

[Caller]

Trying to navigate.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But does he give you space for your strong opinions?

[Gabrielle]

Not always.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

No answer is no.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you should.

[Gabrielle]

Because his opinions. Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's right. You should grieve that. And that's the next one. The story I'm choosing to make up is you think my opinions are stupid. You approach me with judgment, not with curiosity. My wife and I have different political beliefs, but I know she's smart, and she knows I'm smart, and I know she's caring, and she knows I'm caring. And so when she says something and I'm like, dude, I disagree with that totally. I'm curious as to how she got there.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah. I think he's more about getting people on his side or thinking like he thinks.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And that comes from a profound sense of insecurity.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so you're telling him, I will always be on your side. There's nobody more on side, on your side than you than me. And my opinion also really matters. It matters equally with your opinion. And the story I'm choosing to make up is you think I'm dumb, you think I'm uninformed, you think I'm silly, you think I'm a child, and that makes me feel small.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And my hope is that if you can get beneath the. Here's the facts, right. There's an old marriage thing. You can be right or you can be married. Right. And when somebody. If there's a disagreement about the dishes and somebody says, hey, you said you're gonna do the dishes. And the other person's like, stop yelling at me. And you're like, I didn't yell. And you're like, yeah, you did. Like, the facts there. If somebody has like a. Like a. Like a measuring tool that would measure the. You know, the sound in that. Rick. The facts don't matter in that moment. What matters is I spoke in a way, to the person I pledged my life to that made her feel Attacked. I need to solve that. And she heard something from the person that she pledged her life to that made her body immediately go on the defensive. She needs to dig into that. You know what I'm saying?

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can feel your apprehension. What scares you to death about having this conversation with him?

[Gabrielle]

Past attempts. It's kind of like the previous caller, you know, very similar to what she was saying.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Just, you know, when you don't care.

[Gabrielle]

I don't know that that's necessarily. He doesn't have a great relationship with his mother. And sometimes I feel like I. I kind of catch the. The brunt of that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, how long have y' all been married?

[Gabrielle]

27 years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. His mother excuses are long over.

[Gabrielle]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Long, long, long over.

[Gabrielle]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're his wife for more than a quarter century, Period, end of story. He needs to see and know and celebrate and, yes, challenge his wife. And you need to allow yourself to be seen and known and celebrated and challenged if it's safe, and vice versa. Like the. Oh, and he was like, we're here now. We've been together 20 something years. And sometimes these conversations are fruitless. Like, you go searching for connection and you realize, oh, we're unhooked, we're disconnected. That's a scary realization. Sometimes you go forward and saying, hey, what I've been wanting from you is not that you're right all the time, I'm wanting you to be with me. I want you to hear me. I want you to know me. I want to know you. And people melt. They're like, oh, gosh, yeah. Sometimes when people say, here, here's the story I'm making up, I feel like you think I'm stupid. I feel like you think I'm useless. I feel like you think your job's more important than mine. People, they dissolve. They're like, oh, God, I had no idea you felt that way. And sometimes I'll say, yeah, you're right. It's painful, painful conversation, but it gets everything out on the table. And now we can deal. We can traffic in reality. And if you're married to someone that looks at you and said, yes, I am smarter than you, you are dumb, then you're going to have to decide, good God, what am I going to do in that reality? But if you're married to somebody who loves you, who will say, I'll give you a path to how you can love me, I'd like a path on how I can love you, man, now you're talking. Now you're cooking. And by the way, it's not too late to change everything. Y' all still got another 25, 30 years to go. It's not too late. I'd love to hear how this conversation goes. Thanks for the call, sister. It's gonna be a tough one. We come back, a man asks how to support his fiance sobriety journey when she stressed about wedding planning. I'm excited to tell you about a new sponsor for the Dr. John DeLoney show, Shady Rays. We've all had that moment when you realize you left your favorite sunglasses on the roof of your car or in a deer stand in the mountains or. Or at a gas station 700 miles back. I have lost so many pairs of sunglasses, and here's why. I didn't care about them. But then I found Shady Rays and it has changed everything. I love these sunglasses, and I will never lose them. These sunglasses are made for real life. They look great. They're durable. They reduce glare and protect against UV rays. And they're not stupid, expensive. And here's the best part. Shady Rays is backed by lost and broken protection. That means if you do lose or break them, even the first day, Shady Rays will send you a brand new pair. So now I can wear my sunglasses anywhere. Driving, fishing, hunting, working in the yard, maybe even to an outdoor punk rock show without fear. And now I've joined forces with Shady Rays to bring you an exclusive offer. Head to shadyrays.com and use code Deloney. Forget this. 40% off two or more polarized sunglasses. Try the shades. Rated five stars by over 300,000 people. For yourself, just in time for spring. Heading into summer. That's Shady Rays. R a Y S dot com. All right, we're back. Hey, like and subscribe to the show and all that kind of stuff. It would really help. Man, I pitched. I pitched that one. Awesome. All right, let's go to H Town, Houston, Texas, and talk to not so plain Wayne. What's up, Wayne?

[Wayne]

Hi there.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How we doing, man?

[Wayne]

We're doing all right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's going on?

[Wayne]

Well, I would say about a month ago, I got engaged to my fiance, and she's a recovering drug addict. She was addicted to cocaine for four years. Over the past five months, she's been clean and sober. Really turned her life around. But the last month or so of wedding planning and all the little extras that come along with it, engagement parties and bachelorette trips and brunches and things like that have caused her to get really stressed out and sort of go to old habits. And I'm just wondering how I can Help her not be so stressed out.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't think that's what you're really asking, but I'll answer that question. We can get to the real one. Is that cool?

[Wayne]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Has she started using it again?

[Wayne]

No. No, she hasn't. But she has started drinking again, which

[Dr. John DeLoney]

is every friend I have, every person I know that's ever had a problem with cocaine. It always starts with one beer.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then they wake up two days later, try to figure out where they are.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What kind of treatment is she going through?

[Wayne]

White knuckle.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. So, yeah, I think that's where we start. You can't help her feel less stressed because my guess is whatever has happened in her life up to this point, that led to a four year stint of abusing cocaine and probably before that, alcohol and other drugs. Stress is baked into her nervous system. That's why alcohol works. That's why cocaine works until it kills you. And so you saying, like, I want to take away your stress, that's. That's inside of her, and then you add all the stuff on top of it, it just becomes too much to handle. So my main thing to tell you is trying to, quote, unquote, take away her stress isn't the path here. The path here is I love you enough to. To look you in the eye and tell you I'm ready to pause this marriage thing for the time being because it's gotten really big really fast. You've got to go get some professional help and care. Care and help. I can think of one. I'm trying to think off top of my head here. I can think of one person who has struggled with cocaine that was able to just white knuckle it. One. One.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And it was long and arduous and hard.

[Wayne]

Yeah, We've. We've had that conversation before. And the, the fear with going to outpatient or inpatient treatment is that people will forget about her.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And, and you know, that's an irrational fear on this side of getting well.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so the best you can do is tell your person that you love more than anybody else in the world. I'm right here. I'll be here with you. But I love you enough to tell you I see our life together forever, but I can't hitch my wagon to somebody who's struggling in this way. It would be unfair to you.

[Wayne]

Yeah, I. I mean, don't get me wrong, she has made quite a bit of progress.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm so proud of her. I could bust. I'm so proud of her. I could. I could. Yeah. I could bust.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's amazing. Can I just. Can I throw some things out to see if she's like other folks I've sat with before?

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she ask you all the time why you're marrying her?

[Wayne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. When she is fully on, is she literally the best person in the room ever?

[Wayne]

No. She has quite a bit of social anxiety.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That was the other side of the question. But when she's on, when she's. Can. Let me say it this way, when she's lasered into you, that feels good, doesn't it?

[Wayne]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And when she's off, it's scary at.

[Wayne]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

Very scary.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. She needs to get some professional help. My brother

[Wayne]

and I agree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You can't make her do that. You can only decide.

[Wayne]

I could make her do things. Be so much better, you know?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, of course. Right. But you don't. You're not abusive and you're not coercive. You're not a manipulator. So you have to look at somebody who you love deeply and say, I feel like I love you more than you love yourself. And there may be some truth to that.

[Wayne]

Absolutely true to that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah. And you have to make peace with. The only thing you can decide to do is what you're gonna do next. And so if you decide, hey, we're going through this marriage, we're gonna white knuckle this thing, I'll be white knuckling with you. I'll take all the wedding planning, all the stuff. The stress of her still getting married to a guy that she thinks she's inferior to will still hang on. On both of you. The idea, the. The barbell, I always think, like a squat rack. The barbell of marriage. I am anchoring to you, and you're anchoring to me. And it's us two versus the world. If somebody already has an innate sense in their nervous system that they're not enough, that they're a burden, that the world is too big, that barbell will crush you.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you can.

[Wayne]

It's definitely happening.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you want to marry her, just know you're carrying the whole barbell.

[Wayne]

Oh, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And the things y' all have been through in the past will repeat probably with a faster, bigger cycle. The fireworks show will be bigger.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Or you can hit pause and say, I just love you too much. I love who we could become too much. And you get. You get to decide that boundary. You get to decide what we do next. And that's a hard. That's a hard place to be, man. As a hard place to be. We'll be thinking about you, my brother. Call back anytime. And she wants to call me. I'd love to talk to her as well. I wish you guys the best. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. I have had some amazing mentors and friends who are also amazing women. But one of the common themes I hear from all of the women who have poured into me over the years is that between caring for people and all of the other responsibilities and expectations that the whole world dumps on them, women are under an incredible amount of pressure every minute of every day. And often they're encouraged to overlook their own emotional well being for the care of others. Therapy can be a place where you learn how to set healthy boundaries, how to create some sort of balance and support and overall well being for yourself and for those that you love and care about. To do this, I recommend BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. With over 30,000 therapists, they have the right person for you. And if the first therapist therapist isn't the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Listen, your emotional well being matters. Find support in therapy today. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we're back. Kelly, what's up?

[Kelly]

All right, so we have a cool crap that happened.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yep.

[Kelly]

And to our listeners that might be new, we do cool crap that happened and am I the problem? Feel free to send those in. Put the cool crap that happened or am I the problem in the header and we might read it. All right, this is from Lindsay in Davisboro, Georgia.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're smiling, so you'll like this one.

[Kelly]

This is a really good one. All right. And she writes, my youngest son proposed to his girlfriend last week. He did so on top of a mountain at Yellowstone national park, which, by the way, nice. Bravo.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I proposed on a knee in a Papacito's restaurant in North Houston.

[Kelly]

But I do love Papacitos, so I'm okay with that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It was not good. So this guy, this guy won. Poppyos is clutch, but this guy won. Okay.

[Kelly]

She was so excited and he was so nervous. They are both huge Fans of the Dr. John DeLoney Show. And at the end of the proposal of acceptance, she exclaimed near. Near

[Dr. John DeLoney]

awesome.

[Kelly]

You guys are making a tremendous difference in the lives of your listeners, myself and my family included. Thank you for all you do. And keep on. Keep on. I thought that was fantastic.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Love it. And if you want to know the story on Near Near, I'll tell you in another episode. I've told it before, but it's one of my favorite stories ever and it's stuck in my head for 20 something years now. Near Near.

[Kelly]

I do it and my first time I did it, my husband was like, what? I was like, oh, never mind.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you want to. I don't know, you could probably google it, put it in chat. Gbt. What is Delonian? Near Near. And I'm sure it'll give you. I don't. Who knows, but one day I'll tell that story again. Near Near. Hey, what did they say the name of the couple?

[Kelly]

No, she didn't.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What's her name?

[Kelly]

Her name is Lindsay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Lindsay.

[Kelly]

Lindsay's son and his new fiance.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Congratulations. You out proposed me. So. Well played, brother. Well played. And to both of you, Near Near. Love you guys. Bye.