Our Marriage Was Better When I Was Drunk

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: "Our Marriage Was Better When I Was Drunk"
Date: May 18, 2026
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)

---

Episode Overview

In this episode, Dr. John Delony takes calls from listeners dealing with real-life relationship and mental health challenges. The key themes include navigating significant personal change within marriage (especially around sobriety), confronting sexual disconnect often rooted in trauma, and restoring parental boundaries with assertive, loving leadership.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Navigating Marriage After Sobriety (Tyler, Atlanta, GA)

• Caller’s Situation
  Tyler has been sober for three years and finds that he and his wife, both now sober, lack friendship or shared interests. He feels like he’s living a life “somebody else created” and is unsure whether to stay in the marriage.

  “The person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all... We’re just very disinterested in each other.” – Tyler (00:22)

• Dr. John’s Response & Guidance

  • Reassures Tyler that this is a common experience, especially for couples who change and grow over time, particularly after kids and sobriety.
  • Encourages Tyler to take ownership of his current choices:

    “If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that... I want you to own where you are now and say I get to choose what happens next. And I hope that she’ll choose it with me.” – Dr. John (03:30)

  • Shares personal experience: He and his wife have almost zero shared hobbies, but he’s learned to appreciate her passion rather than the activities themselves.
  • Suggests intentionality over “retroactively living your life,” and recommends small gestures to rekindle connection (e.g., making coffee just the way she likes it).
  • Emphasizes not to blame the “past you.”

    “Led around by feelings is what got you in your mess in the first place... It is saying, I’m going to intentionally go after this.” – Dr. John (05:25)

• Rebuilding or Moving Forward

  • Dr. John acknowledges the path back starts small and requires both partners’ participation:

    “You can’t make the marriage work by yourself. But you can become the best version of you so that you can go inside this little exclusive club that you all have created with a membership of two and be the best version of yourself and give that thing a shot.” – Dr. John (08:06)

  • Points out the need for friendship and emotional kindness as the foundation for repair.
  • Introduces the idea of “building a new marriage”—that long marriages consist of many iterations:

    “The marriage y’all had is over. It’s over... The question is, do y’all want to build a new one?” – Dr. John (10:07)

  • Recommends having an honest, non-accusatory conversation using “I” statements and expressing vulnerability.

    “I've made up some stories about you... And based on those stories I've made up about you, I feel small, I feel less than, I feel like you don't care about me.” – Dr. John (13:08)

• Encouraging Hope

  • Dr. John expresses optimism for the couple, provided both are willing to engage honestly and work towards friendship and intentional kindness.

---

2. Marital Sexual Disconnect after Trauma (Jamie, Raleigh, NC)

• Caller’s Situation
  Jamie’s wife, in her late 20s, has said she could go the rest of her life without sexual intimacy. He learns this may be tied to past childhood sexual abuse.

  “My wife mentioned she could go the rest of her life basically without being sexually intimate... I was just calling in to see how I should posture myself moving forward, knowing this information.” – Jamie (20:55)

• Dr. John’s Response & Guidance

  • Validates Jamie’s confusion and assures him it’s not about his inadequacy.
  • Highlights the significance of the wife’s childhood trauma:

    “Those aren’t incidents. Those are life-altering... It’s not an incident. It’s a... I was going left in my life and now I’m going right.” – Dr. John (22:28)

  • Recommends trauma therapy for the wife, centered not on “having more sex,” but on personal healing and regaining agency over her body:

    “I want her to be free and potentially it will have a dramatic impact on your sexual relationship. But my guess is right now, for her, sex is a five alarm fire right in the middle of her chest.” – Dr. John (24:18)

  • Praises Jamie for his kindness and lack of pressure, and affirms that wanting sexual connection is normal—not shameful.
  • Encourages reframing sexual exploration as an “adventure” instead of a battle, and to prioritize healing and open communication.

    “I want you to reframe it not as a battle, but as an adventure. Y’all can go on together if she’ll have you.” – Dr. John (30:20)

• Healing and Outlook

  • Emphasizes healing over performance and frequency, noting that lasting change takes time but brings hope:

    “Anybody who’s experienced childhood sexual abuse... I just can’t recommend [therapy] enough because of the freedom on the other side of that.” – Dr. John (31:08)

---

3. Restoring Parental Balance – Supporting a Child’s Passion vs. Family Health (Julie, St. Louis, MO)

• Caller’s Situation
  Julie’s 12-year-old daughter is single-minded about becoming a professional dancer, dominating the family schedule to the detriment of her sibling and family balance post-divorce.

  “It’s gotten to the point where [dance] is kind of almost taking up all the oxygen in the room in terms of extracurriculars... I’m having a really hard time just seeking balance for myself and for my other daughter as well.” – Julie (36:08)

• Dr. John’s Response & Guidance

  • Calls for Julie to reclaim her role as the parental leader:

    “The single greatest gift you could give your about to be teenage daughter is not only the words, but the lived experience that she does not drive this house. You do.” – Dr. John (37:11)

  • Reminds Julie that kids seek to control what they can and need adults to provide structure and boundaries.
  • Discusses the negative impact of “walking on eggshells” after a divorce, feeding into children’s anxiety rather than soothing it.

    “That is unspooling her nervous system.” – Dr. John (40:36)

  • Suggests using “I” statements to reset boundaries, apologizing for letting things become unbalanced, and intentionally reinvesting in the parent-child relationship outside of the child’s passion area.

    “I realized I’ve been allowing you to run this house with your schedule... I’m going to put some boundaries around dance.” – Dr. John (42:19)

  • Encourages firm, loving consistency—allowing feelings but not all behaviors:

    “Every feeling she has is okay, but not every response she has is okay.” – Dr. John (38:01)

  • Stresses maintaining the long view—forfeiting short-term popularity to provide a safe, loving home, especially as kids reach adulthood and recognize the value of boundaries and care.

• Practical Strategies

  • Replace lost dance time with meaningful family contributions or new activities at home.
  • Prepare for pushback (“You’ve ruined my life!”), but trust the process.

    “You’re going to get burned. There’s going to be scars. But we’re playing a long, long game with this one. Parents, take back your homes. That’s the greatest gift you can give your kids.” – Dr. John (52:39)

  • Call out unhelpful co-parenting if present and remain the steady, loving anchor.

• Building Hope
  Both Julie and Dr. John express hope that clarity, boundaries, and intentional love will yield deeper, healthier relationships at home.

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Rebuilding Marriage:

  “We built a crappy marriage. I guess we could build an awesome one.” – Dr. John’s wife, paraphrased (10:46)

• On Emotional Maturity:

  “What I want more adults to do... is to feel something really big and then go do the next right thing. That’s emotional regulation.” – Dr. John (09:14)

• On Parental Leadership:

  “A kid can feel in their body when adults are being careful around them. And what that sends to a child is ‘I’m not lovable enough as I am.’” – Dr. John (44:27)

• Validating the Honest Struggle:

  “It’s not about the things that I can give them, it’s about the time that they want.” – Listener’s message (after 52:00, responding to parent themes)

---

Timestamps for Significant Segments

• Navigating Marriage After Sobriety (Tyler’s Call):
  [00:22] – [17:57]

• Sexual Disconnect After Trauma (Jamie’s Call):
  [20:48] – [33:10]

• Supporting Kids Without Losing Family Balance (Julie’s Call):
  [35:42] – [52:39]

---

Episode Tone & Language

Dr. John maintains his signature style: direct, compassionate, and deeply practical. He encourages self-examination, honest dialogue, and bold, loving action, all while affirming the common humanity facing these relational struggles. He balances tough truths (“parents, take back your homes”) with empathy and hope, embodying firm but caring authority.

---

Useful Takeaways

• Relationships and marriage go through seasons; intentionality and honesty are key to navigating them.
• Healing from trauma, especially around sexuality, requires patience, therapeutic intervention, and reframing intimacy as an adventure, not a problem to solve.
• Parents must lead with love and boundaries, understanding that children thrive when they know (and feel) they are safely contained—not left to run the show themselves.

---

For listeners:
If you’re struggling with a similar issue, Dr. John recommends direct, compassionate conversations, taking responsibility for your choices, and seeking professional help when needed. You are not alone—and taking intentional steps can change everything.

Transcript

[Caller]

Foreign.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is an ad for better help. If you've ever said, I'm not in a crisis, I don't need therapy, I want you to reconsider. The time to take care of your mental health is before things fall apart. Talking to someone can help. Get [e-mail] Deloney and save 10%.

[Caller]

I've been sober almost three years. The person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of living a life that somebody else created. We're just very disinterested in each other.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that. What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. John DeLoney show, taking your calls from Nashville, Tennessee. I'm in Nashville. You're not. Well, maybe you are. I don't know where you are. But however you ended up here, I'm glad you're here sitting with hurting people trying to figure out what's the next right move in their relationships with their mental and emotional help, their kids, whatever they got going on in your life, you want to be on this show. I would love to have you click the link in the show notes and we will get you on. Let's go out to Atlanta, Georgia and talk to Tyler. Hey, Tyler. What's up?

[Caller]

Hey. Hey, John. My question is how do I navigate my marriage after becoming or getting sober and realizing that my wife and I don't really have any sort of friendship or anything in common since I've become sober?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How long have you been sober?

[Caller]

I've been sober almost three years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, congratulations, man.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's awesome. So how long have you been married?

[Caller]

I've been married since 2020, so we've been married almost six years. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Is your wife sober too?

[Caller]

She is, yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So tell me about we don't have anything in common. I get that we're not friends anymore and that that happens a lot in marriages, especially when people are changing and growing and when life gets bananas. Do you all have kids?

[Caller]

We have a two year old son.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, so very common. Like we become co managers of our house and we're not friends anymore. But tell me about this fear you have that y' all have nothing in

[Caller]

common, just meaning values and interest of, you know, things that she likes to do versus things I like to do or things that I'm passionate about. Or things that she's passionate about.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Just. It just seems as though I know people are Different. And you're not going to share everything all the time. But it's like if I look back now, the person that I am now probably would have never been friends or even been involved in this relationship at all. And I feel like I'm kind of now living a life that somebody else created some. These other decisions, and I'm just. Just. We don't. Don't get along. It's not nothing and no animosity or anything between us. We're just very disinterested in each other, and our relationship is the way it kind of feels.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So a couple of things. Okay. First thing is I have high hopes for your relationship. Everything you just said to me is. Is something I hear on a regular basis. Okay. So I don't want you to think you're somehow broken or whatever. If you want out of this relationship, I want you to own that.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. What I don't want you to do is to sit here and to blame former you. I want you to own where you are now and say I get to choose what happens next. And I hope that she'll choose it with me. Okay. My wife and I have almost zero common interests when it comes to hobbies, things we're passionate about. Almost zero. What keeps us excited about getting to know each other regularly is I am passionate about how passionate she is about things, not about the things she's passionate about. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Sure. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I've had to do the terrifying, scary work of not trying to make her carry all of the weight of passion and feelings. And I'm into something. So you need to be into something. You get what I'm saying? That also is me. And I've had to really grieve. I would like nothing more than for my wife to be on the front row every time I'm speaking at a live event or doing a comedy show or something. That's not who she is. And it makes me sad. It really does. And she does show up to things that matter to me. She will. And. But not on a regular basis. It's not her thing. But she's really excited about how excited I am about things. And that's a choice.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so what I don't want you to do is to start trying to retroactively live your life. Like, I never would have made these. That's. That's wasted energy on. That's. That's helps you avoid. Oh, I get to create what happens next.

[Caller]

So it's almost like a, you know, call it what it is. If you don't want it, then just say that's what it is. Don't try to blame this other version of you would have done differently. It's like if you don't want it, then don't. But that's just, that's the decision. It's not the, it's not possible because of, you know, what you used or you should have done kind of thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Correct.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I'll say this boldly. Both of y' all can sit at a table and say, let's choose friendship. Let's choose to like each other. Let's choose to see each other and to really get to re know each other. Because we're different people. We have a different marriage. And by the way, a lot of this, I'm guessing, comes from you have a two year old in the house. Your whole marriage is different now. Your sex life is different. Your finances are different. What you all think is important is different. And so all friendships have a constantly evolving. Oh, you're into this now too. That's kind of cool or that's dumb, but we're still going to go get nachos together and hang out. It is putting that level of intentionality on this. It's not being led around by feelings. Led around by feelings is what you got you in in your mess in the first place. With. With Right. Not being sober. So it is saying I'm going to intentionally go after this. Here's a weird question for you. When's the last time singularly or over time that you intentionally did a thing or things for her? And I'm not talking about laundry. I'm not. I'm talking about she rolled over and her coffee, just the way she likes it, was sitting right there on her nightstand.

[Caller]

Probably year years.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. And to be fair, when's the last time the two year old went down and she came down and gave you that look like she used to give you back before y' all had kids. And she's like, oh, it's probably, yeah,

[Caller]

it's probably the same time this is happening.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right? And so often these things get really big and existential. I've made a big mistake. I this marriage is over. And really the path back becomes. Starts very small. I'm going to do things because this is my wife. I'm going to do things as the mother of my child and I'm going to begin acting in ways so that I can show up in this marriage how I want to show up. And I'm going to be open and honest with her about what I want. And hopefully we can build this thing back and make it stronger, more awesome than it was.

[Caller]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But if you don't like her and you're choosing to not do the things that would allow you to be in love with her, then own that.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the. Yeah. I don't want to make a decision blaming somebody else. It's my decision. I can make it work if I want to. If you don't, then don't. But don't try to blame somebody else for that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, and. And let me say this. You can't make the marriage work by yourself.

[Caller]

Sure, sure. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But you can become the best version of you so that you can go inside this little exclusive club that you all have created with a membership of two and be the best version of yourself and give that thing a shot.

[Caller]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Tell me what you want that you're not. That she's not showing up for you or places where she's not showing up.

[Caller]

I would probably just, I guess the thing everybody wants just to appreciative of everything that you do, the acting like they want to be. She wants to be your friend, you know, acting like the things that you do, do matter or that, you know, just the, the general niceties, I guess, of being appreciated, I think.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, it's basic, Basic kindness, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Which, to be fair, I probably haven't been as kind, you know, to her. I think we both probably do the same thing. And it's that thing that, you know, one person isn't filled and it's hard to fill the other person. And then you just kind of self destruct on each other because neither one of you is getting what you, either one of you feel like you need. So it's just kind of hard to figure out. How do you get out of that when both of you feel empty in

[Dr. John DeLoney]

the word you've used over and over? And it's not a bad thing. It's just, it's, it's, it's. I want to call attention to. It is feel, feel, feel. And what I want, what I want more adults to do in our culture and in our homes and for each other is to feel something really big and then go do the next right thing. That's emotional regulation. I feel like hitting you and I'm not. I feel like you're not being. Celebrating me as much as I want to be celebrated. I'm gonna go make you a cup of coffee just for you. Like, I don't feel like you've noticed me a lot. I'm gonna make sure I leave a note on your bed, on your pillow before I leave for work so that you know that I notice how hard you're working. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Where I've seen. So somebody said this. Consider this. The marriage y' all had is over. It's over. And that's not a bad thing. You'll hopefully, if you do marriage right, you'll have 15 or 20 new marriages over the course of your lifetime. The question is, do y' all want to build a new one? And if you do, I'll. I'll. I think I've said this on the show. I've never. I'll never forget this moment when I sat across from the table, my wife and I were deciding, all right, we're calling it, we don't like each other. We're not friends. And one of us said. I think it was her that said, well, we built a crappy marriage. I guess we could build an awesome one.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then it was like, okay. What must be true. And like, you said, like, I need you to say you're proud of me. I need you to say thank you. Well, I need you to show up here. I need you to put your stupid phone down. I need you just to be kind. Right. It becomes these very basic, low level, human, just interaction things that you and I both would give to strangers. We'd give to people in AA meetings. We'd give to the grocery store clerk. But for some reason, we stopped doing it for our spouse.

[Caller]

So would it be fair or a good decision then to straight up have that conversation? Hey, listen, what we. What we've had is dead. And if we want something, we're going to have to start building something new. Is that a fair?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I wouldn't use. I wouldn't use the word dead, but I. I don't know another path forward than what you just said.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I can walk you through how I've seen it be done. Done successfully, both in my house and in countless other homes.

[Caller]

Yeah, I mean, I think we're. We're at that point where it's like, we have to have that conversation of we have to do something now. Okay. So I just. What? What. What? I want to, but I want to make sure I handle it with Grayson and care. I don't want to.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does she feel that urgency, or is it building on your end?

[Julie]

Just her.

[Caller]

Her personality Type is very low key. And so I don't, I don't know how much she feels. She's just kind of very go with the flow. And so I don't know if it's building to the same level. Probably not. As it's probably a little bit stronger with me.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I think somebody has to sit down and you've heard me say this on the show. Stop the music and turn the lights on. The dance has to stop. I'm not going to be nice to her because she's never nice to me. Well, I'm just going to keep going with the flow and being low key because he criticizes everything I do and I don't do anything right enough for him. I'm trying to keep his kid alive and what? And you just get in that dance, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so somebody has to stop the dance and look at each other and I'll put the onus on you because you called.

[Caller]

Sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like you're my wife and I love you. And we have a two year old now. I'm sober now. The marriage we had is over. It doesn't exist anymore. We're different people. And I miss you as my friend. And you're never going to be into the things I'm into. I'm never going to be into things you're into and that's awesome. But I want us to be friends. What are three or four things I can do to love you? Well, today I don't know. I don't know. I'm going to start picking stuff. So tell me. Right. And I want to give you a few things that I want. Things you can love me well on. And you, you may have heard me give this framework. It originally comes from Terry Real. I've expanded a little bit. But look at her and say, I've made up some stories about you. I made up stories like you don't care. You don't see me, you don't celebrate me, you don't even know who I am anymore. I've made up stories that all you care about as a kid, all you care about is your hobbies or whatever. All you care about is your phone. And based on those stories I've made up about you, I feel small, I feel less than. I feel like you don't care about me. And when you say it like that, you're inviting her in to challenge those stories and say, like, man, are these stories wrong? Are they right? What stories have you made up about me? And when you start saying it that way, you see what I'M saying, like, that's different than like, marriages. Our marriage is dead. You've been. If that happens, we're, we're at World War iii, right? This is an invitation. And if y' all get to the end of that conversation, you realize, and she says, I, I, I'm, I'm not interested in being married anymore, then y' all can have that conversation. But man, I've got high, high hopes for you guys. If y' all can sit down and say, I'm going to be all in on this deal. Can you give me a path? I want to see you and I want to know you and I want to celebrate you. And man, I want you to get to know me again and I want you to celebrate me again. And we'll challenge each other when necessary.

[Caller]

Yeah, that's incredibly helpful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Caller]

Yeah, it does. Yeah. Yeah, for sure.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This is a, this is a big existential question. Do you want to be married?

[Caller]

I think so. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's okay. That's okay. It's not a bad, that's not a bad answer. It's an honest answer and I honor that. It's good. What scares you about having this conversation?

[Caller]

I think we've done some counseling together before and I don't know if she'll be able to communicate what she's hearing or feeling. I mean, just like any couple, you know, it's always, communication is always the most important part. But I think maybe sometimes I over communicate and I don't get any feedback. And so my, I guess my fear would be I'm just not going to get the honest, the honesty or the, the feedback on it or it'll just be a, a one sided conversation with tears. And she just shakes her head and just agrees with whatever I say without giving any feedback or pushback or anything. And then it's just kind of feels like, well, I just put everything out there and you can't, you can't respond to anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So yeah, if you and I are being totally honest, I mean, if you're being totally honest with me. Um, are you someone who receives feedback well, from her?

[Caller]

I think so, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Are you, are you a safe place for her to respond to is what I'm, is the, the, the big question

[Caller]

I hope to be and if I'm not, I would, I would like to know that. But as far as I know, I am.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I think a beautiful place for you to start is with what you just said about your fears. But own, own that fear. I think I over explain things And I talk a lot, and I sound all articulate, and I think I come over you like. Like a wave in the ocean. I'm sorry. I'm gonna. I just want to listen. I miss my friend, and I can't keep going in our marriage like this. I don't think you want to keep going in our marriage like this. And so I want to reset the dynamic. And if. If she looks at you and says, today's not a good day, like, that's a lot of information to take in. I need 24 hours. That's how my wife responds, by the way. Like, when I sit down with something big. I now know she just takes 24, 48 hours to. To circle back.

[Caller]

Sure. Which is fair, because this has been on my mind for who knows how long, And I've had this conversation that's. It's. She's gonna feel blindsided. I understand.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Sure. And. And the more you can use I statements, the better I've brought this. I think I'm. This way. The story I'm made up about myself is that I'm a lot. And the story I've made up about you is you're just. You know, you don't want to respond to these things or you can't respond to these things. Take a day. Take two days. Write them down and send me the letter or read me the letter. And so being able to communicate to her in a language she can hear and absorb and then give back to you, man, what a blessing that is.

[Caller]

I'm.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm. I want to tell you I'm proud of you for making the call.

[Caller]

Thank you, man. Thank you for taking my call. It's been incredibly helpful. I really appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're not, not. Not crazy. Okay.

[Caller]

All right. Appreciate it, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Cool. All right, brother. Let me know how the conversation goes.

[Caller]

All right, we'll do, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, man. Thank you so much. We come back, a man asks how to respond after his wife told him she could go the rest of her life without sex. It's summertime, and that means it's time to grab your shorts, grab your towels, grab your water bottle, and, of course, grab your dope. Shady Ray sunglasses. Look, the people on the beach or at the lake will not be able to handle how awesome you're gonna look rolling up in these Shady Rays glasses. But you will be able to handle how comfortable these glasses are, how low their prices are, and Shady Ray's amazing lost or broken replacement program. I love Shady Ray sunglasses. I've got multiple pairs. I even Got a pair for my wife and my kids. I want my whole family feeling and looking super cool. I run in them, I do yard work in them, I drive in them, and I go fishing in them. And my fishing sunglasses are amazing. They're polarized, so they cut the glare on the water. And they make it easier to see as you're heading into summer. Make it easier on yourself and on your eyes. Head to shadyrays.com and check out their Memorial Day sale. Get up to 50% off two pairs of sunglasses with code Deloney. That's shady rays.com use code Deloney. All right, we got to talk about something that nobody likes to talk about. We love talking about our relationships and our boundaries and our mental and emotional health. That's why this show exists. But nobody, including me, likes to talk about what's going on in our digital lives. And I'm not just talking about the websites you go to and your bank accounts online and all that stuff. I'm talking about who has your digital life. And it's not just you. Big data brokers buy and steal your information, and they sell it to the highest bidders behind your back without your permission. This is why I use and recommend Delete me. Your phone number, your home address, your family's information, where your kids go to school. All this information is just floating around online, sitting on these websites in the background that you've never even heard of. It's wrong, it's evil, and it's hard to do anything about it. Delete me. Is your friend here? Delete me. Will find your personal information online and they remove it for you. Not just once, over and over again. They keep monitoring the interwebs for your information, and they clean it up month after month so you can close the gap between what you think is private and what actually is. Because you can't build a peaceful life if parts of your life are still way out in the wide open. Go to JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney and get 20% off an annual plan. That's JoinDeleteMe.com DeLoney all right, let's go to Raleigh, North Carolina, and talk to Jamie. Hey, Jamie. What's up, man?

[Caller]

I'm just doing this thing called life. How are you doing?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Same, same. So what's up, dude?

[Caller]

Yeah, so just wanted to talk to you really quick about something that's kind of been on my mind recently. Not too long ago, my wife mentioned she could go the rest of her life basically without being sexually intimate. And I was just calling in to see How I should posture myself moving forward, knowing this information.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

What about what she said made you take it personally? As though you're not good. Like you're not good in bed. You're like. Like you're not good at this thing.

[Caller]

Well, I don't necessarily think it was that. Mainly because to my knowledge and what she told me that I've. I'm her only one. Okay, so it was more or less just like a misunderstanding of how could you not want this? You know, especially with the age that we are.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old are you?

[Caller]

We're in our mid and late 20s.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Okay. Does she have a history of sexual abuse?

[Caller]

She did have some incidents with a family member when she was younger.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, those aren't incidents. Those are life altering.

[Caller]

Right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Was she abused by a family member?

[Caller]

Yeah, it was. Yeah. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay, let's honor those for the shape shifter events that. That is. Okay. It's not an incident. It's a. I was going left in my life and now I'm going. Right.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Do y'. All. How is your sex life now?

[Caller]

Well, when I originally submitted it, we. We. Well, I kind of took it upon myself to get your together app and have been slowly working on microhabits to move towards, you know, deeper intimacy outside of sex and things like that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, shout out. Good on you. Forget the app part, but good on you for seeing sex, being outside the bedroom, like a context. That's amazing. Good for you.

[Caller]

Yeah, thank you. And we've just. I listened to your show a lot and I always hear you say, like, putting it on the calendar, so just trying to meet each other's needs and obviously not being pushy about it or anything. Just trying to make it like a once or maybe even twice a month type of deal where she knows in advance that, you know, it's coming up. And I'm always, you know, checking in to see how she's feeling, you know, a couple days prior or you know, how she's feeling that day. And if, you know, I can tell that the. The feelings or, you know, the, you know, because she's in school full time as well, so it's. It's kind of like one of those things. If I know she's busy, then, you know, I'll just. We'll reschedule it or, you know, to the next day or day after, whatever it may be.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So before we get to this, the actual sex part, I want her to go see a trauma therapist because I want her to be free and potentially it will have a dramatic Impact on your sexual relationship. Sex can become a intimacy builder. It can become a place of stress, relief, of fun, of play. But my guess is right now, for her, sex is a five alarm fire right in the middle of her chest. And so once or twice a week, she loves you enough to grit her teeth and walk through that fire for you. You get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I don't want her gritting her teeth. I don't want her getting her grit through life.

[Caller]

Right. Did I say once or twice a week? I meant once or twice a month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, you said. You said that. I said it wrong. Yeah, once or twice a month.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah. And so right now it's about sexual frequency. Right now you're a guy in your 20s and you're like, dude, I got married. I thought we were going to be partying all the time. And the thought of it shuts her body down. Right. Is that fair?

[Caller]

Yeah. And I mean, even when I bring it up, it's. It's like I can feel an automatic shift in the environment and everything. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. So I want her to go see somebody and she's got to want to do this. And if you present it to her as, I want to have more sex. So you need to go do this thing. It's not. That's not going to work. It is. I want you to go do this thing because I want you to have peace inside of your own body, inside of your own skin. You get what I'm saying? She has shut off a part of herself out of self preservation.

[Caller]

That makes sense.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And man, you're. You sound like such an honorable young man, and it's pretty awesome because I've also talked to guys in your. In your shoes that accuse, blame, get all puffed up and big and try drag their wives through hell. And you're not that guy. And it's. It's honorable. I appreciate you being a good man and trying to love her.

[Caller]

Well, thank you, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And can I also say this? It's not wrong to want to have sex with your wife all the time. You're not a. You're not a creepy bad guy. Okay. That doesn't make you weird either, or broken. Okay? So I don't want you to go through life with your head down. Like, I just want to have sex with my wife all the time. That doesn't make you. That makes you awesome.

[Caller]

Okay, thank you. I appreciate that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, like, hold your head up, man. Like it's. Let's take sex off the table because it's so personal. And it's so everyone's experiences in their past and in their present and in their, like, everything gets to be a. It's a dynamic, and that dynamic is so hard to deal with. Let's get something. I'm going to give an ex a ridiculous example. Okay. Just go with me on this.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You love playing basketball. And a long time ago, somebody hurt her really bad on a basketball court, and she's like, dad, I'm never going out there again. Right. And so you pegging her with a basketball or whatever, like. Or like, let's play. Let's play. It's so fun for her. It's not. Right.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The challenge I want to lay before you is the more like sex in our culture has been. It's because of pornography. It's because of social media. It's because of just. It's in the air. It's everywhere, and it's everywhere, but nobody talks about it in a. In a deep and thoughtful way. And so everybody's trying to make it up on the fly here. And sex has become such. So performance driven that when somebody says, I don't want this, we just shut. I mean, it. It's a bomb inside of our chest. Right? Because it's like, am I not doing it good enough? If I did it well enough, wouldn't you want this? Right.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And so I want you to work hard on not personalizing it. You can't. You won't be able to stop that feeling of, are you serious? I'm not. I. I did good last time. That feeling will come. It's what you do next with that. With. With the next. Right. Action. Okay. That's just. That's called emotional maturity. I feel this thing. I'm gonna go do this next thing. Right. Are there things y' all have. And I'm gonna get kind of specific here, so tell me if you don't want to answer these questions, are there things y' all do together sexually that she says, I liked that or I didn't like that, or is the whole. The whole engagement uncomfortable for her?

[Caller]

Well, to be honest with you, Dr. John, I have voiced my desire to hear what she enjoys.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And

[Caller]

honestly, the other day she mentioned that she's been going, you know, 20 plus years trying to figure out her body and what she enjoys. Yes. It seems almost like an ongoing battle to try and figure out, like, what. What is good for her. Because, I mean, you know, as a guy, it's almost like, you know, almost anything.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Exactly. Yes, exactly. And good. Good. I Mean, gosh, dude, I'd high five her. She's sitting here. Like, good for her for being curious about what do I. Like, what do. Do I think feels good. What does sound? You know, whatever. I want you to reframe it not as a battle, but as. As an adventure. Y' all can go on together if she'll have you.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And that means you being willing to get going and stop. That means you being willing to, like, get all geared up for something, and then one or two seconds in, she's like, no, no, no, no, no. Right. And it's you being super kind and gentle and compassionate and her having some courage. Right? I mean, having, like, being brave. Like, I'm gonna. I'm not gonna be ashamed of my body. I'm not going to be ashamed of my past. And that will come through the trauma healing. Anybody who's experienced childhood sexual abuse, I. I mean, I just can't recommend it enough because of the freedom on the other side of that. And what happens here is, like, what happened to her as a kid happened. There's a period. You can't undo that.

[Caller]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But your body, you can learn over time that you're. And sometimes quicker than you think. Sometimes it takes a while, but sometimes it's much quicker than you think that your body can remember that. But it doesn't go back and try to keep you safe in the present. You retain, you regain this thing called agency autonomy. I'm driving now. And it jet. Your whole body goes. Now we can start exploring. What do we like? What do we not like? What sounds fun? What do you want to have it? What kind. What do we want to try? That kind of stuff, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And even if you. If you on your schedule times, once or twice a month, like, if y' all can have this conversation with a smile on your face, it's an exploratory conversation. Right? It's an adventure. It's not a battle, but a. Let's put three things on on this night. We'll try them. You. You put three things down. Or if the stress building of this thing coming up is too much, ask her if she's into not anticipating it. It may be in your household for a season. Putting on the calendar actually creates more anxiety. It's this looming thing that happens. Right? Maybe it's being just swept off her feet and taken is something that she loves. Who knows?

[Caller]

But it's something to try.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

It's. It's working through it together. You know what I'm saying? But, man, you're an honorable man. And it's good to talk to you.

[Caller]

Yeah, it's been a pleasure, John.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I've got, I've got. I'm gonna say this. I said this to the last caller. I'll say it to you. I've got high hopes for you guys.

[Caller]

Thank you, sir.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And you're not a bad husband if you get frustrated. You're not a bad husband if you Wish it was 15 times the amount of in this season. Like, none of that stuff makes you a bad guy.

[Caller]

Okay, thank you. I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Adding your shame on top of what's happening will only make. It's not gonna be helpful. It's not. It's not real. You're a good man, dude.

[Caller]

Thank you, sir. Cool, Cool.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right, my brother. Appreciate the call, dude. And if she wants to call me, I'd love to talk to her. She may not know that you called and so. But if she does, she doesn't. Yeah, okay, dude, I'd be honored to talk to her too. Talk to you both and. But I can't recommend enough her going to see somebody maybe for the first time, but walking in the door and saying not. I want to have more sex with my husband. I want to finally be free from what this family member did to me when I was a kid and I want to regain agency of my own body. And then we'll go from there. And she may never have the libido you have or it may come back in wild fashion. Who knows? Who knows? But let's start with healing first. And dude, God bless you for being a 20 something year old guy and seeing that sex begins outside of the bedroom. You're on it, my brother. Appreciate you. It's been an honor talking to you. We come back. A woman asks how to support her daughter's dance goals while restoring balance in the family. This show is sponsored by Better help. May is mental health awareness month. And according to the National Institute of Mental health, more than 1 in 5 US adults experiences mental illness every year. And this number does not include all the other millions of people who are struggling with mental and emotional challenges of all types. Nearly half of the folks experiencing mental illness never get any help. And listen, these aren't just statistics. These are our friends, our neighbors, our family members. These numbers are you and me. And we're living in this nonstop, noise filled world full of screens and comparisons and constant notifications. And our bodies are always on high alert. We're all more connected than ever, yet we're more anxious, lonely and overwhelmed. This stress Shows up everywhere in our relationships and our health. Listen, we were never meant to carry all of this alone. And talking to someone can help. I Recommend Better Help. BetterHelp is an online therapy platform that matches you with a licensed therapist based on your goals and preferences. Their therapists are fully licensed in the United States and they follow a strict code of conduct. You can message your therapist and schedule sessions right in the platform. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch anytime at no additional cost. Talk to someone. Go to betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H E L P.com DeLoney all right, St. Louis, Missouri. Let's talk to Julie. Hey, Julie, what's up?

[Julie]

Hi, Dr. John. Thanks so much for taking my call. I appreciate it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Of course. Thank you. What's going on?

[Julie]

Well, I have a daughter who has for the last four or five years, been convinced she wants to be a professional dancer. So she's not wavered, and I want to support that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How old is she?

[Julie]

Gotten to the. She's 12. She'll be 13 next month.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

But it's gotten to the point where it's kind of almost taking up all the oxygen in the room in terms of extracurriculars. I have one other daughter as well. And with my dance daughter, my ballerina, she thinks that her goals are most important. And I understand that passion and that drive when I'm having a really hard time, just kind of, well, seeking balance for myself and for my other daughter as well.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How direct can I be with you?

[Julie]

Very.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Are you sure?

[Julie]

Yes. I want to say. I want to just interject really quick and say that I've gained a lot of insight from your calls over the years. So I, whatever you need to say, please say, okay. I am open to seeing the light.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. If we were, if, if we were just having like hanging out, having dinner, talking, I would, I would take a lot longer to get where I'm getting. But because of the compressed nature of these calls, I'm just going to jump right in. Cool.

[Julie]

Yes.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

All right. The single greatest gift you could give your about to be teenage daughter is not only the words, but the lived experience that she does not drive this house. You do.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And she will grab every square inch of the rope that's given to her. And I want you to see that as her frantically trying to hang on, not trying to take advantage.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

She's grasping for control because she's a, she's a, she's a kid. She's a teenager. That's what they do.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And they will take every bit of rope that the adults let go of.

[Julie]

So, yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So here's how. Here's how. Here's the door. Some direct language. I have one job and that's to keep you safe.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I have a second or I have two. I've got. You got 50 jobs as a parent. I'm just trying to be over dramatic here.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

That's okay. One of my big jobs is to keep you safe. And safety is online. Safety is, you know, stranger danger, all that. But safety is also, you got to take a break because you're 12.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Safety is you're going to go to sleep. Safety is I would not be doing my job as a parent if you did not have a lived experience of also putting other people's needs first.

[Julie]

Okay. That's good.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And especially now after four or five years of kind of getting ruled a roost, you're gonna have a war on your hands.

[Julie]

I am, right? Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And here's what's important. Every feeling she has is okay, but not every response she has is okay.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You look her in the eyes and say, I can handle you being mad. I can handle you not liking me. I love you too much. But if you meet her volume with your volume, if you just let her get away with cursing or swearing or slamming doors or whatever, then again, she's learning. Oh, I run this place.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And so expect I always say conflict ample, conflict deferred is conflict amplified. This is going to be a high amplification.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But luckily she's not a preteen young woman who's also body is changing faster than right. Than the weather in Texas. And so you'll have that going for you.

[Julie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right.

[Julie]

And I'm in perimenopause, so we're getting

[Dr. John DeLoney]

hit from all sweet. So it's like. It's like a. Kelly and I were just joking off air about that.

[Julie]

I have been putting off, really asserting. I think on some level I knew what you were going to say and I have been putting it off.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Why are you scared of her?

[Julie]

I'm afraid. Well, so her dad and I are divorced and there. There's a lot of layers to that too that we don't have to get into. But I am afraid that I'm going to be the convenient villain and that it's going to kind of spiral out of control for me. So I feel like I've honestly been kind of walking on eggshells to some degree.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. I need you to know that. That, that is. That is unspooling her nervous system.

[Julie]

Oh, yeah. I didn't think of it that way.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When did y' all get divorced?

[Julie]

About eight years ago.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

It's been a while.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Been a minute. But she was. She was a toddler.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

She adjusted better than my older one. My older one took a little bit longer. But I also have, like, a lot of that mom guilt, and I'm afraid I'm not enough. I'm not doing enough or I'm doing too much. And a lot of that is my own probably anxiety.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

100 of it is yours.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

0 of it is theirs. They just respond to the adults in their life. Do you. Do you? And I know that's a mean way to put that. Really, really abrupt.

[Julie]

No, I appreciate the directness. It's true. I see it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

How do you and your ex. Co. Parent.

[Julie]

We're. We are amicable, but I am. I am the utility parent, so everything falls to me. All the appointments, all the school, all that. I don't have a whole lot of time to have fun with the kids. And actually to that point, my daughter did have a foot injury the last month or so, so she hasn't been going to dance. And we've actually started to communicate a lot better. So I see that there's an obvious need for us to have one on one time to connect and to not constantly be driving to the next thing.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes. Yes.

[Julie]

I just don't know how. Now that she's getting back into dance, I feel like it's gonna spin away from me again.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

So I don't want you to say things like, hasn't this been great and we've gotten to do. I want you to use the word I.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I realized I'm missing my relationship with my daughter.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I realized that I've been allowing you to run this house with your schedule and. And I'm not going to put that on you anymore. I'm sorry for doing that.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I am going to put some boundaries around dance. I want you to be a great dancer, and I see how much you love it, and that's amazing. But my job is to help you grow up and be the best adult version of yourself you can be. And that means you got to have friends. That means you got to have rest. I mean, you got to have play.

[Julie]

Wow. Thank you for helping me find my own words.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Does that make sense?

[Julie]

I. Yes. I needed that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But the. All of it, every bit of this has to be. I. I'm the adult in this room.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I can handle your mad. I can handle your anger. Where this will get sideways is if she goes to your husband, who then funds everything.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Right. And he's gonna. I'll drive you then. Fine. Forget your mom. She's always ruining everything. If. If he's that kind of guy, call that out a little bit. Call it out. Your dad's gonna say a bunch of mean stuff about me. And you can choose to believe it or not.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

But never doubt that I love you more than life itself. And loving you is not giving you every single thing you want. You're 12. I'm the parent.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

This can be a nightmare.

[Julie]

It is. It's. I'm not looking forward, but I also am looking forward to it because I feel like I have some tools. I. The hardest part was figuring out what way to attack it because I am very cautious about how I communicate with them. And I try to model emotional intelligence and. But this is a place where I think I've been so emotionally unspooled, to use your words, that I didn't really know how to get to it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay. Let me give you. Can I say something scary?

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm just gonna. I'm gonna make you more anxious than before you got on this call. I'm sorry.

[Julie]

Okay. I don't think you could. But that's okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

When a kid. A kid can feel in their body when adults are being careful around them.

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And what that sends to a child is I'm not lovable enough as I am.

[Caller]

No.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Julie]

That's what I don't want.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I know. I know. And that's why I told you. You're gonna be more anxious when you get off this call. Or not. I. That' looking at your daughter and saying, I love every bit of you. And I love how passionate you are about this thing. It's so cool. I've never been this passionate about anything except for you two. So imagine how much you love dance. I love you and your sister a million times more than that. I love every bit of you. All of it. And I've been holding back a little bit because I didn't want to make you mad. And I realize it's not good, right? It's not me doing my job as your mom. You're allowed to be mad, and I love you anyway. You're not allowed to say mean things and slam the door and break stuff, throw things, but you're allowed to be mad. I get mad. You're allowed to be sad. And frustrated and pissed off at me. That's okay. But I want, I, I, I, I want my kids to know. I, I'm not going, I'm not gonna not have some, a conversation with you or challenge you on something because I'm scared of your reaction.

[Julie]

Or there's part, I have been doing that.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's parts I need to stop or there's parts of you that I think are going to come out. And I'm afraid of those.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Because what I'm telling my kids is there's a part of you I don't love. Here's a, I'll take, here's a great example happened in my house. My daughter is emotionally volatile like her dad.

[Caller]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm a big dramatic mess. And my son is a walking Xanax. I don't, I don't know how he came out of our genetic concoction. It's unbelievable. It's unbelievable. Like, like, man, you know what? The house just exploded. Can I get a, can I get a Dr. Pepper? That's my son. Right? And it's awesome. Well, we are playing a game. We're playing, we play this game out in the country called three on three baseball to every man for himself. And it's hilarious. Well, but we peg each other with a tennis ball. The other day my daughter was running and my son went, I mean, he was gently through it, but dude, sure enough, he drilled it right in the back of the head. And she grabs her head and she starts crying. Fair. She got hit in the head with a ball, but she turned to just go after him, right? And I yelled out, I was way across the field and I said, no, no, ma', am, stop. Well, that caused a further explosion. You don't let me be sad. You always get mad when I cry. You always get mad when I'm in pain. And so our follow up conversation once the smoke cleared, because I'm not good in those conversations and she's not. You can't, there's no hearing going on. There's just trying to defeat each other. Right?

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I had to tell her. You are allowed to cry any minute of any second of any, anytime in this house. Your tears are always welcome here. I will always be a source of comfort for you if you get hurt. Always. But you can't be mean or hurtful because you're uncomfortable because you just got hit with a tennis ball. And that's the part, that's the thing. You're. Every feeling you have is okay in this house, but not every action is okay.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I still don't think she fully got that. And it's going to be an ongoing conversation we have. But I'm not going to battle her. I'm the dad. I win. I've already won. Right?

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm not going to go to war with my, with my 10 year old. But I will engage it every time. Cuz her brother did. Now if her brother meant to do that, I would have gone flying over there. Right. If he meant to hurt her, then, now him and I are going to have a problem. That's not who he is. He'd never do that. And she knows that. And so what I'm trying to teach her is man, be mad, be hurt, be all those things. That's life. But don't just go looking for somebody to cut down and swing. Because that's politics these days.

[Caller]

Right?

[Julie]

Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And I, I, I, I want us to be more emotionally mature than that. And it just takes time. So I'll just tell you, best of, best of luck to you, Julie.

[Julie]

Thank you. I, I actually feel pretty hopeful.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, you should, you should be super hopeful. You'll have to wade through it, but you'll be super hopeful and you're gonna have to wade through the blame. You've ruined my life. You're taking this, my dream, away from me. All you have to wade through all that. And I would recommend having one or two things that you can replace if you're going to pull something off. What are some things she can do in the house? Okay, you're going to be responsible. I'm going to pay you, but you're responsible for cooking two nights a week.

[Julie]

Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Your response? Give her some, some things that she can have agency of in her home.

[Julie]

Got it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Like, because tell her you play an important role here and you're essential part of this house. And I'm tired of the dance teacher getting the best version of you.

[Julie]

Deep down she wants to be a contributor.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Yes, she does. She with more than anything else.

[Julie]

And often probably part of what's causing her to feel a bit adrift in terms of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, if the only place, if the only place she gets celebrated is a dance.

[Julie]

Right, Right. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

There's the old marriage saying. If you're not your wife or husband's biggest cheerleader, something or someone else will be.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

The same goes with your kids. If, if they don't feel so much sense, they don't feel safe enough to drop all their baggage in their home, they'll find a place where they can drop it.

[Julie]

Okay. Drop in two spawns. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

You're awesome.

[Julie]

I feel a lot of clarity, actually, over this, and I feel like you gave me a roadmap, so I feel better. I just need to actually implement it fearlessly. Everything's going to be okay.

[Caller]

Sort of.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, let me say this. It won't be

[Julie]

in the end. It will. Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I. I always tell folks when you get. When you. When. If you have young kids and you get divorced, or if you have teenagers and you get divorced, we're immediately going to fast forward to our relationship when our kid is 25. That's when the clarity begins to. Oh, yeah, my mom was all alone. Oh, my dad was fighting mom the whole way.

[Julie]

Right. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dad made mom do all of this crap while he just got to be the fun guy. But that kind of clarity doesn't come until the frontal lobe develops. And that's 25.

[Julie]

Right. And I've been walking through this afraid that I'm gonna lose them. To be honest, there's been some level of me that's just afraid that I'll lose them, which is another thing entirely. But I'm. I can't operate that way. I see it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Well, it becomes accidentally self reinforcing.

[Julie]

Right.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I'm gonna. I'm gonna give them whatever they want. I'm gonna walk on eggshells. I'm not gonna have any boundaries. I'm gonna burn myself at the stakes so that they can have everything. And when all they really, really deeply want is safety and security and being seen and known and loved by their parents.

[Julie]

Right?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And then they find those things other places, and home becomes electric because mom doesn't even like me. Not all of me. And you see how it happens. Your biggest fear comes true,

[Julie]

right? I do see it. Yeah.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Dude, can I just tell you I'm. I'm proud of you for turning the lights on. It's awesome.

[Julie]

Thank you for helping. Me too. Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Oh, heck, yeah, dude. It's my job. And. And, hey, you're gonna follow this map, and there's gonna be moments when you find, like, you're like, oh, I'm out in the woods. I missed a turn somewhere. Call me back.

[Julie]

Okay?

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Call me back.

[Julie]

Thank you.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

And if you and her ever want to call, I'll be the bad guy.

[Julie]

Oh, that would be cool. She would love it.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

I don't take kids under 18, but I will if they're. If their parents on. I'll talk to them. That'd be fun.

[Julie]

Okay. Okay.

[Dr. John DeLoney]

Happy Red. All right. Hey, thank you so much for calling and Best of luck to you Waiting into this firestorm. You're gonna get burned. There's gonna be scars. But we're playing a long, long game with this one. Parents, take back your homes. That's the greatest gift you can give your kids. We'll be right back. It's the springtime and my life is chaos. With my family, with work, with everything. So I've not been out in the woods or out fishing lately. But that's not stopping me from using my Montana Knife Company knives every day. I use two of their knives this morning making breakfast for my family. I've bought a ton of Montana Knife Co. Knives over the years, long before they ever partnered with me on this show. And I use them all the time. Hunting, fishing, in the kitchen, wherever. And when I need a go to gift for a great friend or someone who's invited me out, somebody who's getting married or celebrating something really important, I bring Montana Knife company knives. They're amazing gifts too. They're not just knives, they're something that they will actually use. Montana Knife Company just built this incredible new facility in Ta Da Montana. And they manufacture everything in house. These knives are so well crafted, made in the usa and you're going to pass them on to your grandkids someday. I want you to go to montanaknifecompany.com right now and see what's in stock. That's montanaknifecompanya.com. all right, Kelly, something cool happened. What is it? All right, so this is from Aaron in Springdale, Arkansas. Aaron E or a? A Ron E. Okay. This is a mom. Okay. And she writes. I'm a single mom of three boys, 11, 9 and 5. I'm an avid listener and I've learned so much. Every night I hold each of my boys faces in my hands and tell them how lucky I am to be their mom and how much I love them. Once a week I get a sitter for a couple of hours and take one of them for a one on one time. Ah, so cool. We rotate whose turn it is weekly because sitters are expensive. It didn't take long to realize that it's not about the things that I can give them, it's about the time that they want. While I still question myself daily or hourly, I wonder and wonder if I'm doing this whole mom thing right. I get small wins that remind me that I am. One day while we were out, my 5 year old looked at me and said, mom, I'm so lucky to be your son. And in that moment, every doubt, mess, and unanswered. What's for dinner? Question was worth it. I felt so loved. Now, wish me luck for puberty. Nope. You got to go through that one without luck. You just gotta wait through it. Dude, that's. That's awesome right there. That intentionality comes at the expense of the new show that's out. That intentionality comes at the expense of sleep, of whatever else, but that intentionality. That's life. That's the good stuff right there, man. That's it. That's it. Good for you. Good for you. And, Kelly, I'll be intentional with you intentionally. What? All right, love you guys. Y' all have a good one. Bye.