Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife

Summary

The Dr. John DeLoney Show: “Our Nanny’s Husband Hit on My Wife” – Episode Summary

Release Date: February 19, 2025
Host: Ramsey Network’s Dr. John DeLoney
Description: A caller-driven show offering real talk on relationships and mental health challenges.

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1. Navigating Family Dynamics: Laura’s Story

Timestamp: [00:05] – [09:42]

Caller: Laura from Dallas, Texas

Topic: Explaining her brother's furry identity to her young child while maintaining family harmony.

Discussion Highlights:

• Understanding Furry Identity: Laura seeks advice on how to explain her brother’s new furry persona to her three-year-old and soon-to-be-born child without diminishing the magic of imaginative play.

• Dr. DeLoney’s Response:
  John DeLoney [02:28]: “This isn’t happening in a vacuum… Change is going to come from our neighborhoods, from our homes.”

• Balancing Compassion and Boundaries: Dr. DeLoney emphasizes loving Laura's brother despite his challenges and setting clear boundaries to protect the family environment.
  John DeLoney [04:06]: “I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life?”

• Addressing Mental Health: Laura reveals her brother’s struggles with depression, bipolar disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Dr. DeLoney advises focusing on compassion and maintaining boundaries rather than delving into diagnoses.
  John DeLoney [05:42]: “Compassion plus boundaries.”

• Protecting Childhood Innocence: Concerned about her son’s exposure to the furry community, Dr. DeLoney reassures that at three years old, children are highly adaptable.
  John DeLoney [06:10]: “Three year olds are really, really malleable.”

• Final Advice: Encourage Laura to communicate openly with her brother, maintain boundaries, and prioritize her family's emotional well-being.
  John DeLoney [08:30]: “Finally, you have to handle your grief and your good.”

Notable Quote:
John DeLoney [08:22]: “He likes to wear that costume.”

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2. Managing Boundaries and Trust: Mark’s Dilemma

Timestamp: [13:31] – [28:24]

Caller: Mark from San Bernardino, California

Topic: Addressing inappropriate behavior from his nanny’s husband towards his wife and determining whether to inform the nanny.

Discussion Highlights:

• Background: Mark explains a decade-long relationship with their nanny and her husband, who have been integral to their family, especially as the nanny battles stage four cancer.

• Incident Description: The nanny’s husband propositioned Mark’s wife, leading to immediate discomfort and violating long-standing trust.
  Mark [15:58]: “He asked to speak to her in private… just completely blew her mind.”

• Immediate Response: Mark confronted the husband, setting firm boundaries by revoking his access to their home and expressing the breach of trust.
  John DeLoney [17:04]: “Good on you, man. That's how you handle that situation.”

• Deciding to Inform the Nanny: Mark grapples with whether to disclose the incident to the nanny, considering her vulnerable state due to her illness.
  John DeLoney [18:45]: “Yes, you have to.”

• Protecting the Family: Dr. DeLoney advises that honesty is crucial, emphasizing that the nanny deserves to know the truth to make informed decisions about her role within the family.
  John DeLoney [21:03]: “You sit her down and tell her very directly… We are not letting you go.”

• Handling Potential Fallout: Preparation for possible consequences, including the nanny choosing to leave, is discussed.
  John DeLoney [24:22]: “You can't just come with a boundary… He cannot come over here anymore.”

• Safety Precautions: With evidence from security recordings, Mark and his wife are advised to document the incident to support their position if conflicts escalate.
  John DeLoney [28:18]: “I would probably lead with that.”

Notable Quote:
Mark [15:55]: “He talks about being a discreet military man, but… completely blew our minds.”

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3. Personal Growth and Sobriety: Dylan’s Journey

Timestamp: [31:55] – [58:20]

Caller: Dylan from Lubbock, Texas

Topic: Balancing personal self-improvement and sobriety without negatively impacting his family life.

Discussion Highlights:

• Personal Struggles: Dylan shares his history of alcohol use, recent decision to quit drinking, and ongoing efforts to be a better husband and father while managing anxiety.

• Impact of Childhood Trauma: Dylan discloses past sexual abuse from ages six to thirteen, leading to deep-seated shame and rage, which fuels his current struggles.
  Dylan [36:38]: “I was sexually abused for about seven years.”

• Dr. DeLoney’s Supportive Approach:
  John DeLoney [38:07]: “For hanging on for 20 years… I'm proud of you for hanging on for 20 years.”

• Actionable Steps for Recovery:

  • Continued Therapy and Meetings: Emphasizing the importance of active participation in support groups and seeking effective counseling.
    John DeLoney [42:22]: “Keep going to meetings.”

  • Practical Techniques: Introducing mindfulness practices, identifying triggers, and developing coping strategies to manage anger and maintain sobriety.
    John DeLoney [43:08]: “The hardest part is the continual grinding, the tiny, step-by-step progress.”

• Reconnecting with Family: Dylan seeks advice on maintaining sobriety during a planned trip to Nashville, Tennessee. Dr. DeLoney suggests proactive planning with his wife and setting clear intentions for the trip.
  John DeLoney [50:15]: “Plan this even if we have to go… Let's make it a challenge in a positive direction.”

• Homework Assignments:

  • Writing Letters: Encouraging Dylan to write letters to his younger selves to process trauma and foster self-compassion.
    John DeLoney [44:32]: “Repeat after me. What's happening to you is not your fault.”

  • Seeking a New Counselor: If current therapy isn’t providing tangible results, finding a new therapist who can offer a structured action plan is recommended.

• Final Encouragement: Dr. DeLoney assures Dylan of his progress and offers continuous support, emphasizing the importance of small, consistent actions towards healing.
  John DeLoney [47:08]: “I'm proud of you, my brother. You're on it, man.”

Notable Quote:
John DeLoney [38:58]: “You're the guy that got himself back to shore… you woke up on the path now.”

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4. Listener Feedback: Beth’s Positive Experience

Timestamp: [56:47] – [57:55]

Caller: Beth

Story: Beth recounts how reconnecting with her brother after a decade of estrangement led to a meaningful conversation, facilitated by practices from Dr. DeLoney’s book, Building a Non-Anxious Life. This culminated in expressing pride and rekindling their relationship.

Dr. DeLoney’s Response:
John DeLoney [57:26]: “Today is a new day. You can start and, like, I'm gonna make that phone call or I'm gonna do it.”

Notable Quote:
Beth [56:47]: “It culminated with me telling my brother all the ways I was proud of him.”

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Conclusion

In this episode of The Dr. John DeLoney Show, Dr. DeLoney offers compassionate and practical advice to callers grappling with complex family dynamics, personal trauma, and the journey toward self-improvement. Through empathetic listening and actionable guidance, Dr. DeLoney empowers listeners to navigate their challenges with integrity and love.

Key Takeaways:

• Compassion and Boundaries: Balancing empathy with clear boundaries is essential in maintaining healthy relationships.

• Honesty and Trust: Open communication, even in difficult situations, fosters trust and protects family integrity.

• Personal Growth: Recovery and self-improvement require consistent, small steps and active participation in supportive communities.

Notable General Quote:
John DeLoney: “We’re gonna hang on to our integrity. We’re gonna go do the next right thing.”

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This summary encapsulates the episode's key discussions, providing valuable insights for those seeking guidance on similar issues.

Transcript

[Laura]

How do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both imaginative play with appropriate understanding? He's always been an outcast.

[John DeLoney]

Well, duh. He's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.

[Laura]

Right? Right.

[John DeLoney]

What's going on? What's going on? This is John with the Dr. DeLoney Show. I'm so grateful that you're with us talking about your mental and emotional health and your relationships and this sideways world that we're all working to right side up inside our homes, inside our cars, inside our chests. Right. We're all doing our part to make this place a little bit better. It's not going to come from the top down. Change is going to come from our neighborhoods, from our homes, from our classrooms, from our church buildings. It's going to come from the inside out. So I'm so grateful that you're with us. Trying to figure out what's the next right move shows real people going through real challenges. If you want to join us, I'd love to have you give me a buzz at 1-844-693-3291. Call and leave a message. We'll take your calls from all over the planet. 1-844-693-3291 or write in go to john deloney.com ask a. You can fill out the form and get on it. We'd love, love, love to have you. All right, let's go out to Dallas, Texas and talk to Laura. What's up, Laura?

[Laura]

Hey, John. My question is how do I explain my brother's furry identity to my child in a way that balances both imaginative play with appropriate understanding?

[John DeLoney]

And good morning to you, too. Wow. Oh, boy. I love my job. It's so good. All right, so walk me. How old, how old your kids?

[Laura]

He's three and then I have one due in March.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. And so tell me about your brother.

[Laura]

Yes. Well, my brother brought his brand new custom mascot head. I don't even know what to call it to Christmas dinner. And he came out as a furry to us. So since Christmas, he's made many social media posts and now going out in public in his costume and how he has always been one. And while my son didn't see him in his mascot outfit, I don't know how to navigate it when he does because my son loves all things sports, mascots, Disney characters. And we know that as adults they're just people in costumes. But I'm afraid my son being around my brother in his furry costume will, like, discourage that magic that's associated with them.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. He's getting. He's getting there. You're overthinking it. He's getting there.

[Laura]

Am I?

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, if he's asked, like, why is uncle so and so wearing that? You can just say he likes to. He likes to wear that costume.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And all of the intricacies of the furry community and the identity and all that just madness, he will have zero context for.

[Laura]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

And my guess is this isn't happen in a vacuum, as your brother had struggles since you've known him.

[Laura]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Laura]

Yes. He's always been an outcast.

[John DeLoney]

Well, duh. He's been a squirrel or whatever for his whole life.

[Laura]

Right, Right. I don't know. It's some sort of dog, cat thing.

[John DeLoney]

It is what it is.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But here's the thing.

[Laura]

But he does have. Sorry, go ahead.

[John DeLoney]

You go ahead. You go ahead.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

My.

[Laura]

My brother. His. His mental illnesses went from depression to bipolar one to just this past year. It's borderline personality disorder. I don't even know how to navigate that or if that plays a role into.

[John DeLoney]

Honestly, I would not think into the diagnostic if I were you.

[Laura]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

I would think into how can I love my brother who's been hurting most of his life? Right. How can I be compassionate? And how can I draw the boundaries that are best for our family? And so if it were my house, I'm. Again, I can only. The. The. Everybody's different. Okay. If it were my house, I would say you're welcome to wear whatever you want to at my house, period. You. I'm gonna ask you to not wear a humongous, like, dog, cats, like a helmet at the table.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And the same as. I don't wear baseball hats at the table, and I identify as a sports fan, so I don't wear. I don't wear baseball hats at the table. And so, like, you can wear your costume. I mean, you can wear, like, your outfit or whatever. That's fine. I don't care what you're wearing. But here we want to be able to talk to everybody. And so that just is what it is. What it is. And if there needs to be some boundaries, if some of my favorite people on the planet I've talked about before. Some of my favorite people on the planet have borderline personality disorder. Can be really tough. And I have some pretty firm boundaries. You can't talk to me a certain way. If you're gonna swear at me and tell me you hate me, whatever, then I'm hang Up the phone and then when you're doing better and give me a call. Right. And when you tell me I'm the greatest that's ever lived and it's, I'm not. And I know that. Right. So I'm not gonna get hung up on that. But also, they're pretty amazing people and they can be fun and hilarious. And so I, I, I'm not gonna live by the diagnostic. I'm gonna live by boundaries. I'm gonna live by compassion. I'm gonna live by love.

[Laura]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

Because the other reality is somebody who has watched enough on the Internet and gotten in enough chat rooms and gone through like, even met up with people, like, he's searching for a community and he's searching for an identity.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

What that means is he's hurting. And I will always welcome hurting people at my table. And three year olds are really, really malleable.

[Laura]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Both positively and negatively. And chances are by the time that 3 year old is 13, your brother will be on to another thing.

[Laura]

That's true.

[John DeLoney]

So I don't want to overthink it. I think for you, I, I don't want this. I don't want your 3 year old to become the proxy war and a lifelong struggle with trying to connect with your brother. And here we go again.

[Laura]

Right.

[John DeLoney]

I want you to own your grief and your good God, you know, I mean.

[Laura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And are there other family members participating in this or is it just. Yeah, it's just. That's just brother.

[Laura]

No, it's just him.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. What's your mom and dad say?

[Laura]

They think it's a social club. They don't know anything about the community or anything. I just know that there's a more nefarious side to it that makes me uncomfortable with it all.

[John DeLoney]

Tell me about, tell me about that.

[Laura]

Well, there's a sexual aspect to it. And even if you just search, you know, what is a furry online, like my son doesn't have, and he won't have unmonitored access to the Internet.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Laura]

But even if his friends do and they just search, what is a furry that goes down this huge rabbit hole? That is completely inappropriate.

[John DeLoney]

Sure. I wouldn't, I would never think.

[Laura]

He's only three.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah, Yeah. I mean, if, if I showed up into my nieces and nephew's house and they googled what is a midlife crisis wannabe punk rocker who's kind of a B level YouTuber, there'd be a rabbit hole on that Google search too. Right. And so. Yeah, that's, that's more your concern than the three year old. Three year olds will know they have a fun uncle who dresses up. Great. And three turning four, turning five. The, the days of your kid thinking that there's a live wild cat that's human size at a basketball game or coming to an abrupt end. Right? Yeah. And so I, I, yeah, it's all, I think it's all good. And it's all. I, I would just Again, compassion plus boundaries.

[Laura]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

And if he throws a fit and says, you don't love me and you hate me and I won't come to your table if I can't wear my, my helmet, I don't know what you call him. His, his true face or his true head. I don't know what you call it. Then you can tell them, dude, we're gonna so miss you. And I hate that you're opting out here. We love you. It's important for all of us to be able to see our faces and to talk to each other. I don't get to see you very often and I hated that you don't want to be here, but there's always going to be a seat for you. And then he gets to opt out because he's an adult too.

[Laura]

Yeah, that's fair.

[John DeLoney]

You know what I mean. But I always want, I always want, I always want somebody to hold their side of my boundary. Like here is where I draw a line and you get to opt in or out. And I sure hope you opt in. But I understand if you need to opt out. It'll make me sad. It'll break my heart. I may have to grieve it, but I, but I understand. Yeah, that makes sense.

[Laura]

It does.

[John DeLoney]

He's lucky to have you as a sister. You've loved him for a long time, haven't you?

[Laura]

I have.

[John DeLoney]

And been frustrated for a long time too.

[Laura]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Both and. Right.

[Laura]

Both and both and.

[John DeLoney]

Well, he's lucky to have you. And your three year old's lucky to have you too. I would suggest you. This is going to sound strange. I would suggest you get off the Internet with the Google searches too. And I would love the person in front of me, not the Internet caricature or the Internet. The most sensational thing. The algorithm kicks up in front of me. I would love my brother in front of me. And I would hold on to my boundaries there too. Thanks for the call, Laura. You're awesome. We'll be right back. All right, let's talk about delete me. My go to provider for online safety, security and Peace of mind. Don't skip past this. I've got some stats that will shock you. Listen. We all know that we live on the Internet these days. And because all of our lives take place on the Internet now it's become totally normal to like give away our email addresses to random companies who then turn around and sell them to other companies. It's become normal to create all sorts of accounts for banking and shopping and social media. We even order food from the Internet. Listen, whether you like it or not, your personal information is everywhere across the world wide web. This is why I'm so happy to use and recommend Deleteme. I looked at the reports my friends at Deleteme have sent me. They've reviewed over 35,000 different data brokers with my personal information and they've removed my personal info from hundreds of scammy data broker sites. Deleteme has saved me countless hours, days even going through all of these different sites. And they've sent me detailed reports through throughout the year showing exactly what they've removed and from where. I want you to have this kind of peace too. So we can't really avoid the Internet, but we can make our personal data personal again. With Delete Me, individual Delete Me plans start as low as $9 a month. So go to joindeleteme.com DeLoney today to get 20% off. That's join J O I N delete me.com DeLoney all right, let's talk about TrainWell, an amazing personal trainer and app all in one. I know it's cold and dreary outside, but our bodies still have to move. If we want to be healthy, we have to exercise. So if you're ready to finally start an exercise program or you've been a lifelong lifter like me and you're ready to shake things up, you've got to check out TrainWell. I use it, my wife, my co workers and their spouses. Everybody I know is using TrainWell every single day and the results have been off the charts. TrainWell offers tailored workouts with step by step guidance from real people, meaning it's not just an app and it's not just a personal trainer. It's the best of both. I get personalized workouts on their app and I communicate with my trainer on a daily basis. And the results have been extraordinary. To get started, you just answer a few questions about your fitness journey. You hop on a chat with an expert trainer to talk about your goals and make a personalized plan. And then it's time for you to get to work. As you complete workouts, your trainer will keep tweaking them to help you get stronger and better. Train well takes away our excuses and makes exercise easy. So if you're ready to start taking control of your health and start exercising, take the quiz to find your Perfect [e-mail] Deloney today. And for everybody listening, they've extended their special offer just 69amonth. When you lock in your plan this February, that's almost 50% off their regular monthly rate. Plus you get 14 days of free training. Go to trainwell.net DeLoney that's trainwell.net DeLoney let's roll out to San Bernardino, California and talk to Mark. Mark. Mark, Mark, Mark. What's up, Mark?

[Mark]

Good morning.

[John DeLoney]

How we doing, brother Michael?

[Mark]

I'm okay, thank you. I appreciate you taking my call.

[John DeLoney]

Absolutely, man. Oh, yeah, it's, it's super early where you are, man. Thanks for getting up so early with us.

[Mark]

No worries.

[John DeLoney]

What's up, man?

[Mark]

My question, my question is, do we tell our nanny that her husband propositioned my wife?

[John DeLoney]

Oh, awesome. And good morning to you. Right?

[Mark]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Tell me about what happened, man.

[Mark]

So some quick background. We've had a nanny for about 10 years now. She helped raise both our children.

[John DeLoney]

Oh, so she's not a nanny. She's like a, she's a family member.

[Mark]

She became family, her husband, both have become family to us over 10 years. They have no kids of their own, so our kids basically, of course, became their kids kids too. So that's all our kids know is them first sitting them. And they've been a huge part of their lives and ours. And it's been great for 10 years. And they're a huge help for us to sprinkle in some other context. She is currently battling stage four cancer and she hasn't for the past year.

[John DeLoney]

Yep. Because why not?

[Mark]

Yeah, she beat it about five years ago, once before, and then it came back and now it's stage four and she's a strong woman and she's fighting again. So we have all the hope in the world for her. And she's got a lot of strength, so we're rooting for her and she's doing great. She never, never stopped working through that time she was watching the kids, never had issues, still showing up. He would often help her and come as a support for her, her husband to help with the kids when she was tired or sick. So it was still amazing watching those two also help together. So that's been great. Until, of course, just recently as you could tell from the question. So a few weeks back, there was a short gap in time. She couldn't watch our kids. So he volunteered to fill about a one hour gap that we had in our schedules, which he's done before, and it works out great. So he was there when my wife got home to take over and he asked to speak to her in private, which she did outside with him, thinking one of the kids may be in trouble. But he proceeded to tell her how gorgeous she was. Not just beautiful, but gorgeous. And that he sees how she looks at him and just completely shocked and mortified my wife. And she, you know, was basically stunned. And she said, you know, so evidently.

[John DeLoney]

She wasn't looking at him like that.

[Mark]

That's the first thing she said. I'm not sure what you thought I was looking at you like, but that's not, not at all like that what I want. Happily, happily married. And you need to think of your, your poor wife right now, what she's going through. I can't believe you even asked me that. He then said, you know, you know, I can be discreet. I've been in the military, I've been discreet before. And just completely blew her mind as to what he was telling her. Just in shock, right?

[Caller]

Yeah, dude.

[Mark]

So she called me and told me I left my work engagement and came right home and talked to her because she was, you know, in shock and just very uncomfortable. She was, yeah, very upset. So I asked him to talk to me and he did. The next day we spoke and I made it very clear and drew a boundary that I said, hey, here's what I heard happened. He did not deny it. He said, yeah, I'm sorry, I don't know why I did that. I shouldn't have acted. And I feel dumb now. And I said, well, you feel dumb because you got shot down, but just so you know, you are not welcome at my house anymore. My wife doesn't want to see you anymore. She's extremely uncomfortable. She's devastated. And you've broken 10 years of, you know, trust and love from our family and we just can't believe this is even happening.

[John DeLoney]

Can I just like pause for a second? High five to you, dude. Like, like, good on you. And because you didn't act like an idiot, you didn't like bang on his door at 3:00am and, but you did, like, good on you. Like if for everybody listening, that's how you handle that situation. So good on you, man.

[Mark]

My friends wanted to, A couple of them wanted.

[John DeLoney]

Of course they did. And you Know what? That's what your buddies are for. That's what your buddies are for. To be like, let's go right now. That's what they're for. But, yeah, like, that's a mature, grown up way to handle this. So I'm like, that you. You just gave a perfect model of somebody that you love and trust propositions your wife. God forbid that happened to anybody listening, but it does happen. That's how you handle it. She handled it perfectly. She called you, she said, like, here's my boundaries. You, like, good for you, man. Like, that's. That's awesome. Okay.

[Mark]

Yeah, so. And he was receptive to it. He understood. I said, you know, it's up to you to tell her, you know, your wife, how, you know, why you can't come over or why you shouldn't come over. Initially, that was what I told him, and now he controls that narrative. But, you know, talking to my wife more, we're like, I really feel horrible knowing that she has no idea. She's kind of a stooge here, what's going on. And, you know, he is such a religious church going leads ministry and charity, this guy. I mean, he was a picture perfect, just model for a Christian man too, which adds to the. The complete. Just blowing our minds that this happens. Just unbelievable. So now it's like, well, should we be honest with our nanny and tell her what happened?

[John DeLoney]

Yes, you have to.

[Mark]

Knowing that she's currently undergoing.

[John DeLoney]

You have to.

[Mark]

So much stress and stage four medical treatments and completely shattering her world.

[John DeLoney]

Here's the deal. Her world, that doesn't happen in a vacuum. So that won't be the first time that's happened. She knows there's distance. Like, you get what I'm saying? Like, y'all see it from one lens. She experiences this on a Day in and day out. She knows that there's something wrong amiss in her marriage.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if she doesn't, if she's completely clueless, I. I guess. I guess y'all have built 10 years of deep, deep trust. Trust so deep you. You let her stand in your stead with your children, the most prized possession you have on planet Earth.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And if she were to come home and see your wife with another man, your expectation would be that she would honor your relationship enough to tell you the truth. Fair?

[Mark]

Oh, fair. Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And vice versa. Your wife would expect her if. If she came home to drop the kids off and you and a woman, a young woman was walking out of your house. The right thing to do would be to tell your wife. And so, yeah, I think the external circumstances are heavy and big and all that, but I, I, I think it has to come with a boundary. And here's what I mean by that. We're not just telling you to hand you a grenade. We're telling you because we love you and because it's not right for us to keep this from you. And you are always welcome in our home. He is not. And I, I, dude, I, I would be stunned if this is the first time this has come up in their marriage.

[Mark]

Maybe she's maybe very, very, I mean, undying optimist, the most positive person you could ever meet.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. But there's that, that can be a trauma response too.

[Mark]

Yeah. So I'm not sure if that's just. Because she really just sees the best in everything and she's oblivious to some of that too.

[Caller]

Yeah, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Because of what she lives with at home. And unfortunately, I have worked in faith based circles long enough that it doesn't surprise me one bit. Not even a teeny, tiny little bit. Those are people too.

[Mark]

Yeah. So how do we even go about that conversation? Is that just my wife to her and then.

[John DeLoney]

No, it's both.

[Mark]

This is a complete shock to her. How do we handle that?

[John DeLoney]

Well, here's the deal. She's an adult.

[Mark]

Okay?

[John DeLoney]

She's an adult.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

She's not, she's not a teenager, she's not a child. She's an adult. And she's a member of your family at this point. And so you sit her down and fax your friends, you tell her very directly, this is going to be the hardest conversation we've ever had to have with you. And number one, we are not letting you go. You are a part of our family. You are always welcome in our home. Number two, here's what happened, because anytime you sit down somebody, even if they're this like, quote unquote family member or close there, she's still an employee. And the first thing she's going to think is all letting her go.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

But you give, you, you give her a heads up.

[Mark]

And we've also, you know, recommended her to others and friends of ours that they also sit for, too.

[John DeLoney]

Great.

[Mark]

I'm just like, boy, I feel like, I feel like there's some liability with at least knowing that this behavior is there. I don't know if that's something I should extend to others or just completely keep within a family as our own issue, because it could just be an obsession with, you know, my wife, and that could be where it ends.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. Like I say, this stuff doesn't. It rarely happens in a vacuum. Maybe they're just star crossed lovers and. Or maybe he's a star cross lover. Right. And my heart kind of goes out to him, dude. Because he sounds like me in high school. Like, I would talk to a, like a, like a, you know, girl in my class, be like, I, I could tell we have. And she's like, yeah, you're telling way wrong. Right. So I just. Jeez. This is just a whole different level. I think the biggest thing you and your wife need to do is y'all have to deal with the grief violation.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Like, and it's easy to, when we're grieving, to put a bunch of weight on all these other things that we know we have to do. And so I want you all to separate it and it, it, it's the old saying, not by your hand, but in your lap. Right. This guy walked in and blew up 10 years of stability in your life.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And it may be that at the end of the day, your wife says, I'm not comfortable with her being our nanny anymore. And I'm like, just hearing this cold. That would probably be my bent. Unfortunately, we can't have you here anymore.

[Mark]

She's made it pretty. I mean, she's made pretty clear that she definitely doesn't want her to feel like she can't come over.

[John DeLoney]

I get that. I get that. But. But I mean, just think big picture. And at some point, you may be asking this woman to choose between her marriage and her job. And again, she's an adult. She gets to do what she's going to do. But that's why I say, like, you can't just come with a. Hey, we just want to tell you this. It needs to come with a boundary. He cannot come over here anymore. He cannot watch our kids anymore. He can't be in his house anymore. I don't want to. He can't text us. He can't call us. The only reason you're allowed back in here is because we trust you implicitly.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And we're going to strongly recommend he does not show up at any of the people's houses we've recommended because now we feel an obligation.

[Mark]

Okay. And luckily, her time is now reduced a bit because, you know, our kids are older and we have school, so we're not full time. So it's, it wouldn't be a giant impact, which is. Makes me feel a bit better too, if she chooses not to. Not to keep coming.

[John DeLoney]

But, yeah, and there's. And you all need to make. Make plans for that because she may be super embarrassed and she may choose to say, I'm not gonna. I'm gonna let y'all go.

[Caller]

Yeah, right.

[John DeLoney]

And so again, somebody walked in your living room. This man. And dropped a grenade in there. And y'all are handling it the best you can, but it's just, I. I think it's gonna. It's gonna come with ramifications. And I think you guys trying to preserve what y'all had is you're gonna have to reimagine. What. What is right. And what that means is you're gonna have to reimagine. Oh, she's all by herself. If she's gonna stay. Her nanny, she's. He's not welcome here. So if there needs to be an hour gap in coverage, we have to figure that out. Is that something we can still do or. We need it. If we have a nanny that works for us, we need all the gaps covered because that's kind of the role. Or what happens if she quits? She's just embarrassed and ashamed. And this has happened before and she quits.

[Mark]

Yeah. I'm just hoping it's not a complete blind side. And if it is, I'm just like, with what she's already going through, I feel so bad because she doesn't have a lot of options or money.

[John DeLoney]

Well, and let me tell you this. I want you to be really prepared, man, if I had more, I'll tell you a 30 second clip. Well, no, I won't get into it. This is several years ago, so I haven't checked the data, but a ton of police officer shootings. When police officers get hurt is when they show up to domestic disputes and they get involved, and the spouse that made the call sees their significant other, who was just in the process of abusing them, getting arrested. And the person who made the call ends up hurting the officers.

[Caller]

Oh, what.

[John DeLoney]

Why is that relevant here? I would give it a 50, 50 chance that her husband, when she comes home, says, that woman, like, asked me to come into the bathroom real quick, and she ended up taking all her clothes off. And I had to get out of that house as fast as possible. And flips the whole thing. And that woman comes at y'all with a vengeance. I want you.

[Mark]

That's like, now I told him, I'm not gonna tell her. You can. But then I was like, well, crap. No, he controls the whole narrative, which also kind of worried me.

[John DeLoney]

Well, even if you do tell her, he Controls whatever he wants to say.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And the chances of a stage four cancer survivor who's in the midst of it, going through it. Psychologically, I can't deal with. I can't wrap my head around this part of my life also falling out from underneath me already. I can't trust my physical body now. I can't trust this guy I've been married to for 20, 30 years. And so psychologically, I have to. Y'all have to become the bad guys. Otherwise, I. My. My world turns to dust.

[Mark]

The one blessing that we have in this whole situation was that, as it happened, the front door is open, and he asked to speak outside. We caught the first part on the ring camera. We have the recording. It's just of him saying, hey, come talk to me. Right as the door closes. Hey, I wanted to. And then it cuts out. So she knew that it's by motion, so she kept trying to move on the front porch to make it record. Unfortunately, it didn't, because she was like, oh, my God. She wanted it recorded. But at least the first part with him ask her, come talk in private. That is recorded and captured.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, So I would probably lead with that.

[Mark]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

But anyway, I. What's. What's right is to somebody that you trust, who trusts you, you've supported, you've walked alongside. Someone who is a family member, needs to be told the truth, particularly given that it was your wife that was propositioned in this deal. And then y'all need to make sure you have that conversation directly, clearly with a boundary. And I would let her know, hey, we need to have a really challenging conversation. And if you feel obligated, you can tell husband, hey, you guys, you got 24 hours. I'm. We're going to have a conversation with her. I don't think he deserves that. I don't think it's worth that. That's. That's yalls level of relationship. If y'all. If you feel close to him over 10 years, you might want to give him a heads up. Hey, I'm. We're talking to your wife today or after you have the conversation. But I. I wouldn't personally, but you can feel free to do that again. Not by your hand, but in your lap. Your life as you knew it is now different because this guy blew it up. And now it's about what's right for you and your family moving forward. How can you love and support this woman if that's even a possibility, if she allows that? And then you and your wife got to Grieve. What was. It was pretty awesome setup, and unfortunately, somebody came and blew it up. All you can do is the next right thing for you and your family. And I don't ever want somebody to cash in their character, their integrity. They start holding secrets from loved ones, people that they trust, because it gets weird and awkward. We're gonna hang on to our integrity. We're gonna go do the next right thing, even if it feels like it blew everything up, but it didn't. It may just reveal what somebody else just blew up. Sorry this happened, my brother. Thanks for being a man of character. Let me know how that conversation goes, man. I'm. I'm. I'm invested in this one now. We'll be right back. All right, good folks, let's talk about Helix mattresses. It's February. It's the coldest and the shortest month, although it can seem like the longest month of the year sometimes. Listen, in the past, I found myself laying around during the winter doldrums more than normal. And I don't do very much, which then makes it hard to sleep, and then I get in this vicious cycle. But I'm going to tell you this. This year, my Helix mattress has helped me sleep more deeply and be more refreshed during the winter doldrums than ever before. Now on most days, I'm able to get right up, even when it's cold and dark and do all the stuff I need to do to be my best. I love Helix, and that's why me and my entire family sleeps on Helix mattresses. And we don't all have the same mattress. Helix has different kinds of mattresses for everybody. No matter how you sleep, if you run hot at night, if you have issues with your spine, if you sleep on your back, your side, your stomach, whatever. Plus, Helix offers a hundred night trial. And every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So take the Helix Sleep quiz just like I did, and you'll find the perfect mattress for you in less than two minutes. The Helix President's day sale is going on right now. You can get 27% off site wide, plus two dream pillows and a sheet set and a mattress protector free with any luxe or elite mattress purchase. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to helix sleep.com DeLoney right now. That's Helix H E L I X helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. All right, let's go out to the 806 Lubbock, Texas and talk to Dylan. What's up, Dylan?

[Caller]

So my question for you is, how do I work on myself without jeopardizing my wife and my kids?

[John DeLoney]

Sounds like there's a lot to that question. Tell me, what does work on yourself mean?

[Caller]

So I am currently going to therapy and trying to work on some issues. And I've recently quit. Quit drinking and trying to work on being more present and being a better husband and father. But I just worry that going through this and all the anxiety with that, I still find myself not being the nicest version of myself. And I don't know how to. How to work on that without causing more problems.

[John DeLoney]

Gotcha. All right, tell me, can I probe a little bit? Is that okay?

[Caller]

Oh, go for it.

[John DeLoney]

How old are your kids?

[Caller]

X? 7 and 15.

[John DeLoney]

Say that one more time. 8. 7 and 15.

[Caller]

No, just 7 and 15.

[John DeLoney]

7 and 15. Okay. 7 and 15. That's a big gap, huh?

[Caller]

Yeah, well, the. My oldest is not biologically mine, but okay.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Number two. How long you been drinking?

[Caller]

About 20 years.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. How old are you now?

[Caller]

38.

[John DeLoney]

38. Okay. So you started drinking young, huh?

[Caller]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

What did. Did. What did drinking get for you?

[Caller]

What did it help?

[John DeLoney]

What did it help with? It helped with something that early.

[Caller]

Turned down the volume on everything. Just kind of making everything a little more manageable.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, who turned the volume up on you?

[Caller]

My childhood, I had kind of a. A silent hell.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. All right. And what's the last 20 years been like? College wise, Work wise. What you been doing?

[Caller]

I went to work in the oil field pretty much right out of high school. I did a little bit of college, but didn't. Didn't really get anywhere with that. And had a study, had a steady job. Same place for most of my Life. Actually, about 16 years of those 20, I've been at the same place.

[John DeLoney]

Been riding the roller coaster.

[Caller]

Yes. That's a good way to put it.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Yeah, that if I. I spent a lot of years with some of my close buddies who are oilfield guys, and it's just when it's good, man, it is. It's like an ATM machine. And when it's bad, it is caustic. It's tough, tough, tough.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah.

[John DeLoney]

And nobody teaches 19 year olds who suddenly find themselves with 180 grand. Hey, two years from now you're gonna have 11 grand. So hang on to it. Right. Nobody teaches anybody how to do that. So it's just. Oh, no, it's just roller coaster central. Tell me about your wife, man.

[Caller]

We've been married 10 years. She truly is the love of my life. We. We are in it for the long haul. She is my ride or die and vice versa. Very cool.

[John DeLoney]

Why'd you, Why'd you decide to quit drinking?

[Caller]

I just. I didn't want to model that life for my boys. I didn't want them to. To grow up drinking and thinking that that's the way to. To solve your problems.

[John DeLoney]

All right, so one of them is seven. So what, why now? Like, so, I mean, you've been modeling it for seven years, so why now?

[Caller]

It got to the point where in the past I've kind of like self detonated everything and I've got too much now to. To just blow everything up and walk away.

[John DeLoney]

Paint me a picture of self detonating in the past.

[Caller]

I've quit my job. Just folded into myself and just kind of disappeared.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. Do you disappear in a bottle?

[Caller]

Not all the time. I just would oscillate and just kind of really just go inward.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so what's a. What's a counselor doing for you?

[Caller]

Not a whole lot at the moment. Just a whole lot of sitting and talking and not really a whole lot practical.

[John DeLoney]

What do you hope to get from seeing a counselor?

[Caller]

To be able to go through life without just feeling like I'm holding on to an electric fence all the time.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, this sounds like you want to have peace inside your action and.

[Caller]

Yes, that's it exactly.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

Peace within myself.

[John DeLoney]

Why don't you like you?

[Caller]

Oh, I don't know that I've ever really liked myself.

[John DeLoney]

I know. I can tell. Why not? Because your wife sure as hell does. Your 7 year old does. That 15 year old boy, you came into his life. He does. Why don't you?

[Caller]

What happened to me as a kid?

[John DeLoney]

What happened?

[Caller]

I was sexually abused for about seven years.

[John DeLoney]

You ever said that? Out loud?

[Caller]

To a couple of people, but not very, not very often.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, I want you to sit on that for a second. How old was that little boy when it started?

[Caller]

6.

[John DeLoney]

All the way up to when you were an early teenager?

[Caller]

Yep. 13 is when it stopped.

[John DeLoney]

Why'd it stop?

[Caller]

He went off to the military and he finally left me alone.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. You have a seven year old little boy right now. Just keep that picture in your head. When you were six or seven years old, it wasn't up to you to protect that kid. But when you see that little seven year old, this sets off every alarm you have, doesn't it?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. I'm sorry that happened, man. That shouldn't happen.

[Caller]

Thank you.

[John DeLoney]

And That's a recipe for as long as that went on and for as old as you were. That's a recipe for deep, deep shame and deep, deep rage.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah, both of those.

[John DeLoney]

And so.

[Caller]

And I can't get rid of the rage.

[John DeLoney]

I know it's gonna go, but I need you to know this is gonna sound nuts, and I bet nobody will tell you this, but for hanging on for 20 years, even if you had to do it with a bottle of Jack next to you, I'm proud of you for hanging on for 20 years. That's a. That's. That's. I think sometimes we see people's. How they. What they had to do to survive. And it's like critiquing somebody's swim stroke when the boat sinks and they're out in the middle of the ocean.

[Caller]

Cool.

[John DeLoney]

What I'm looking at is a guy that got himself back to shore, and there's probably a wake of decisions you wish you could have back. And you probably hurt some people and said some stupid stuff, but you made it back to shore and for some reason you woke up on the 1st of of January, 2025, and you decided, I'm done. I'm gonna be a different kind of man.

[Caller]

Yes. But I don't know what to do.

[John DeLoney]

You are doing it right now.

[Caller]

Well, it sure doesn't feel like it.

[John DeLoney]

I know because they. Somebody told you along the way, it's going to feel a certain way and it's going to take a long time. So the first night I actually was in your neck of the woods. I drove several hours into Lubbock, Texas, where I knew a physician who was a close, close friend of mine. And when I walked, that's when I walked in, said, I'm not okay. I drove from another city in Texas. I drove all the way to Lubbock because I knew a guy and I. I trusted him. And my trust was so thin. And I remember we talked for hours and hours, and I left with a script with a prescription for. For some anxiety medicine. And I remember calling a buddy who I knew had taken medicine before, and I told him, I don't want to take it. I'm a failure. I'm a loser. Yada, yada, yada. And here's what he told me. He said, look, man, you think you're going to wake up tomorrow after taking this pill and everything's going to be like this fake sunshine? That's not how it works. And what he went on to tell me is he tore his bicep lifting weights and he had to go to months of rehab. And every time he picked up a fork, every time he tried to open a door handle, it just hurt like a searing pain. So he went to rehab. He went to rehab. He went to rehab. He did all the stuff, all these stupid exercises. And this is kind of a Jack dude forced to, like doing like little finger walks up the wall with his, you know, like with his two little fingers. Right? And then he said one day he was at the print shop and a box fell and he reached up and grabbed it just instinctually to protect somebody. And he realized, hey, my arm doesn't hurt, no way. And he said, that's how the meds are going to work and that's how healing ultimately is. And so right now you have gone to sit down. Have you gone to meetings? Is that what you're starting to do?

[Caller]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. So you walk and you're sitting in there and you're on the rattling edge of not having a drink. You're dealing with the credit card bills from the holidays. You're dealing with an economy that's up and down and kind of all over the place. You're dealing with West Texas. I'll tell you what, they should be doing that kind of stuff or how you've been dealing with that. And you and I both know that one drink would make everything a little bit quieter.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

But you've committed not to. And now you're going to these meetings, you're just listening to these old guys just tell their stories and tell their stories and tell their stories. And it doesn't feel like you're doing anything. But if you keep going and you're not a lurker and you start participating and you go into your counselor and you say, okay, I've been here for four weeks or five weeks, I want to start practicing some actual things at my house on a daily basis that will dissipate this rage. And I'll give you a couple things I want you to do. Okay?

[Caller]

Okay.

[John DeLoney]

But what's going to happen is six months from now, your seven year old's going to do some stupid seven year old thing and you're going to laugh and you're going to remember this story I told you about my buddy who caught the box. And you're going to go, oh my gosh, I would have gone into a rage. And you'll know I'm on the path now. Or your wife's going to come home and say, hey, my hours just got cut and you really needed the y'all need the money. And you're going to go into problem solver mode. You're not going to get up and go straight to the fridge and grab a beer and then you can smile and go, no way. I'm on the path. Do you get what I'm saying?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

The hardest part for you is not the big decision you made, that the hardest part for you is the continual grinding, the tiny, tiny, step by step by step, inch by inch that you're going to look up in six months and realize, I just walked a thousand miles. You're the guy that's 150 pounds overweight that said never again. And you're in day 12 of going to the gym and it just sucks. You're sore, everything hurts, you hate it and you just want, you just want to go back to the way it was. But you made a commitment. So will you do something with me?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

Where did you grow up?

[Caller]

West Texas.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, so let's pretend I'm gonna make up a little west Texas town. Lamisa. Tiny little west Texas town. Let's pretend you and I are in Lamisa and I'm you. Except I'm seven. And I want you to close your eyes and imagine you're looking at your seven year old self. He's sitting in a chair and you're sitting in a chair and you're about 4ft apart from each other. What would you tell that seven year old? You.

[Caller]

You'll make it. You'll survive this.

[John DeLoney]

What else?

[Caller]

I can't. I can't picture me at seven.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, picture your seven year old. Repeat after me. What's happening to you is not your fault.

[Caller]

To you is not your fault.

[John DeLoney]

There should be adults here protecting you. They're not here and I'm sorry.

[Caller]

An adult here protecting you. And there's not and I'm sorry.

[John DeLoney]

But we're going to hang on and.

[Caller]

We'Re going to hang on just to hang on.

[John DeLoney]

And when we get grown up, we're going to dedicate our lives to protecting the young kids in our world.

[Caller]

We're going to dedicate our lives to protecting those kids.

[John DeLoney]

And that starts with me looking at you seven year old self telling you I love you. This is not your fault.

[Caller]

It's not your fault.

[John DeLoney]

Because right now you have a 7 year old, you have a an enraged 12 and 13 year old who don't know anything to do to protect you other than to clinch their fist and swing at everything or duck and cover. And my guess is you've toggled between both of those in your life.

[Caller]

Oh, yeah. This crazy busy and the absolute nothing.

[John DeLoney]

Yeah. The Black Hole at 2025. Sobriety is a piece of it. Dealing with the rage is a piece of it. Letting that 8, 9, 10 year old version of you finally go play Lamisa is not a great place to play in. But we're gonna let that kid go play.

[Caller]

I'd love to.

[John DeLoney]

Here's what we're doing this year. We're solving for peace. Okay? And so here's what I want you to. Here's what I want you to commit to, and I'll. I'll be in it with you. Okay. I want you to commit to. Keep going to meetings. I got your commitment on that.

[Caller]

Oh, yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay. I want you to. Next time you go see a counselor, I want you to demand an action plan.

[Caller]

I've asked for that because I've been listening, and it was blown off. I didn't. I said, I want to know where we're at, where we're going, and I want to be doing something. And it just fell by the wayside, and I'm just like. I wanted to be screaming, I need help.

[John DeLoney]

Okay, then what we're going to do is we're just. We're going to brush our shoulders off. We're going to go find a new counselor. Because the big modern myth in mental health care is not always, but often, that if you just get all the thoughts in the right order, everything works out, and it's not true. You got to go act differently, Especially when you've spent 20 years trying to survive. You have to learn new actions, new ways of doing things for you. You're going to have to practice some mindfulness techniques, not an old man sitting on a cloud going, oh, that's not what I mean. But you're going to have to learn how to exh. You're going to learn how to go for a walk. You got to learn to laugh and drop your shoulders on purpose. And those are just things you got to practice. That's it. You're gonna have to learn really carefully, precisely what your triggers are. What are the things that, when it happens, you want to reach for a drink, and then you just have to come up with different plans. This is just things you practice over time. These are actions. And just bringing a guy out of the oil field just to talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk is. Is. It's important. The first couple of sessions, I got to get to know you, but, man, we got to. We got to get on some homework assignments that are Going to help. Okay. And so we're going to find a new counselor, and that's great. It's not a big deal.

[Caller]

One of my questions is how sobriety on a trip that work. We. I'm trying to reconnect and trying to be a better husband. And so I'm. I'm. We. I booked a trip for us to go out of town for Valentine's.

[John DeLoney]

You and your wife?

[Caller]

Yes.

[John DeLoney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And I don't know how to fit sobriety into that because so much of our. Of my life was getting to that point. I wasn't a day drinker. I would wait till the evenings, but it was still a problem. I was. I mean, I'm not any better than anybody else, but I, on vacation, used to tend to let go a little more to have fun. And I don't know how to balance that. And I don't know if there's been meetings in Nashville because that's where we're headed. So I don't know what to do.

[John DeLoney]

Number one, yes, there are meetings here. Number two, you need to have a sponsor that you can text when those nighttimes. When the demons call at nighttime.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John DeLoney]

The third thing is somehow a story has been connected in your mind that letting loose and letting go equals freedom. And because you're so clinched fighting demons every minute of every day, that's all you got. When you solve for peace every minute of every day, and you're not going to war every minute of every day, then you don't have anything to escape from at nighttime. Does that make sense?

[Caller]

Yeah, it sounds good.

[John DeLoney]

I know, I know. It's like, okay, good. So here's what I mean. You're not in a place where a vacation for you, coming to Nashville, Tennessee, in February is a thing you can do that's not highly, highly scripted. And it might be. This is not a quote unquote relaxing weekend or trip.

[Caller]

Mine never are.

[John DeLoney]

I know, but let's make it. Let's make it a challenge in the. In a positive direction, not an unletting that causes all kinds of relational damage on the other side. So, you know, when I'm out on vacation, here is usually what I'm aiming for. At the end of a night, I would love for you to sit down with your wife and say, can we plan this even if we have to go? We. We get scripts during. When I'm on live events. They're. They're called MBMs. They're minute by minute. And so that's where y'all are right now. And that's okay. It's actually going to make you have a better trip because here's what you're going to do. You're going to sit down with your wife. You're going to say, let's dream about how we want this vacation to feel at 10 o'clock every night of the week we're on this trip. I want it to feel like, ah, okay, cool. What must be true because I'm not drinking. And it may be y'all come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go.

[Caller]

To a movie that sounds fun.

[John DeLoney]

But we'll, we'll have held hands. Come all the way to Nashville, Tennessee and go to the T pack and go watch a play. Right? Like so it's, it's, we're, we're going to plan this thing together. And that may be the greatest vacation thing you can do. And it may also be you get into February and you're head over heels into recovery and you're head over heels into a great therapist and you back up and say, hey, this trip in February, we're going to punt it to April. Because right now I've done enough, just enough counseling that the scabs are starting to get, starting to come off and things are pretty raw. And so me hopping on a plane is just a recipe for landing six beers in. Or we're coming to Nashville, Tennessee and we're gonna go down to Broadway and that's just not a good idea, man, because there's alcohol everywhere. It's okay, great, cool. And I hang out with people all the time who are stone sober, professional musicians and comedians who like, they just, they can be around all day long. They just don't even like me. And so you'll get there. You're just not there yet. That's all right. Training for, you're training for a marathon and you can, you can do the couch to one mile. Great. You're on the path, man. Here's your homework assignment, brother. I want you to write a letter to seven year old you and I want you to write a letter to 13 year old you and I want you to tell them I'm sorry, was not their fault. Everything that happens starting today, you're going to take responsibility for. You're going to make the calls, you're going to get a new counselor, you can do the exercise, you're going to practice sleep, hang on the line. I'm going to send you a copy of Building a non Anxious Life. I want that to be your blueprint for you and your wife for building A life that is surrounded by peace. And for you, sobriety is going to be a part of that for a while, if not forever. Great. We're gonna meet with a good trauma therapist of which I know are in West Texas. And if you have to drive an hour or two, great. But we're gonna get on the path or stay on it, actually. I am proud of you. You call me anytime, anytime. I'll have you on the show anytime. You cut to the front of the line and we'll walk with you. I'm proud of you, my brother. Day 12. You're on it, man. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. You've probably heard people talk about different kinds of flags and friendships and romantic relationships. You got red flags and green flags and beige flags. Listen, it can be helpful to look for relationship patterns or unsafe behaviors, but to me, all these flag labels can distract from what's really important. When you're trying to find a lasting relationship, what's really important are your values and your potential partner's values and whether both of you are willing to wake up every day and choose to honor each other's values. But when you grow up in challenging environments or given how we are bombarded with everyone else's values all of the time, all day, every day, it can be tough to even know what are my values, what is important to me in a relationship, and how will I show up to honor myself and love my partner? Forget all of those flag colors. Listen, how can you learn what you actually value? Therapy can help you figure out what your values are. It can help you learn for what you're looking for in relationships. And therapy can help you decide your boundaries and your non negotiables. If you're thinking about starting therapy, try BetterHelp. BetterHelp is 100% online therapy that works with your schedule. To get started, just fill out a short online survey to get matched with a licensed therapist. And if it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. So whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself, do it with help from Better Help. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10 off your first month. That's BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, we are back. Kelly, give us something cool that happened.

[Kelly]

All right? This is from Beth and she says, over the holidays, my husband and I went on a trip to stay with my brother and his wife. My relationship with My brother has been complicated. I'm sorry. It was her brother. I said that wrong. My relationship with my brother has been complicated. For about a decade, we didn't speak, but we all really wanted to cultivate a healthier relationship. I just finished the connections chapter of Building a non anxious Life. So I pulled up the online questions for humans mentioned in the chapter and we spent a couple of hours having the greatest conversation we've ever had. It culminated with me telling my brother all the ways I was proud of him. It was one of the best visits we've ever had. Thank you to you and your team for all that you do.

[John DeLoney]

Amazing. Way to go. And if you are in a situation where you haven't talked to your parents in two or three years, you haven't talked to brothers and sisters for two, three, five, ten years. I just believe in redemption, man. I wouldn't do the show if I didn't believe in it. And I always think today's a new day. Today is a new day. You can start and, like, I'm gonna make that phone call or I'm gonna do it. So awesome, awesome, awesome. And I'm glad that we got to be a part of that journey. That's a good way to end the show today. That brings me some joy to my hearts.

[Kelly]

That's what I live for, to bring joy to your heart.

[John DeLoney]

You're not going to live very long because that is not one of your skill sets. Hey, everybody. Thank you for being with us. Love you guys. Subscribe. Don't forget to subscribe to the show. Send this show to somebody that. That you love, that matters to you. And if you will take 10 seconds and leave a five star review on what of the various Internet platforms. It means the world. Thank you all. We love you.

[Mark]

Bye.