Politics Destroyed My Relationship With My Brother

Summary

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The Dr. John Delony Show: “Politics Destroyed My Relationship With My Brother”

Date: October 20, 2025
Host: Dr. John Delony (Ramsey Network)
Theme: Navigating intense political and personal conflict within families, addiction cycles, and relationship boundaries.

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deeply into how political tensions can fracture family relationships, the emotional toll that takes, and strategies for healing and reconnection. Dr. John Delony addresses callers facing family estrangement over political views, difficulties blending new partners with adult children, and breaking unhealthy habits. Dr. Delony offers empathetic, direct advice rooted in lived experience, science, and a focus on connection.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Caller Ryan: Politics Estranged Me from My Brother

[00:05–13:38]

Background

• Ryan, 21, from Pittsburgh, describes how his brother (24) accused him of being a “Nazi” over political differences and subsequently cut off communication.
• Ryan’s attempts to reconcile were met with more political debate and resistance.

Dr. Delony’s Insights

• Superficial Relationships Exposed:
  “These things simply expose really thin and already fractured or shallow relationships to begin with.” — Dr. John Delony [03:42]
• Grieving the Relationship:
  Dr. Delony encourages Ryan to mourn the current loss:
  “The only thing you can control right here is your grief. Just be sad. I miss my brother...my older brother thinks I’m evil, and I don’t think I am.” [08:12]
• Practical Steps Forward:
  • Offer short messages of love, like “I love you and I miss you and I’m glad you’re my older brother.”
  • Send positive or mundane updates; do not expect a response.
  • Avoid re-engaging on the terms of political debate; focus purely on connection.
  • Reflect honestly: Has your brother shared anything worth considering?
• On Entrenched Positions:
  “The literature tells me that coming at somebody with facts and data actually further entrenches them in their position… Their position was never about facts and figures. It’s about connection. It’s about belonging. It’s about team. It’s about tribe.” [07:21]
• “I Changed My Mind” — The Wisdom Principle:
  “The four most powerful wise words…‘I changed my mind.’” [13:24]

Notable Moments

• Ryan’s wife passionately defended him via text to his brother, which Dr. Delony gently discouraged:
  “It never makes anything better… It’s easier to lash out on a loved one’s behalf than it is to hold their hand in deep grief and sadness.” [12:09]
• Advice to write a three-part letter: 1) express missing/love, 2) vent frustration, 3) reiterate commitment to the relationship regardless of response.
• Dr. Delony’s call to maintain a loving presence, even amid disconnect:
  “I’m going to continue to stand here amidst your silence, amidst your accusations, and I’m going to be reflective. And if I’m wrong, if my positions need to change, awesome.” [13:24]

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2. Caller Daisy: My Son Rejects My New Partner

[20:38–33:36]

Background

• Daisy, 55, calls in about her adult son (30), who refuses to accept or interact with her new partner (who was formerly her ex-boyfriend’s best friend).
• Her son excludes the new partner from family events and maintains firm boundaries.

Dr. Delony’s Approach

• Prioritizing Relationships:
  “The problem here is your relationship with your son, not your new boyfriend’s feelings.” [24:40]
• On Grown Adult Boundaries:
  Reinforces that Daisy’s son is entitled to boundaries, and her boyfriend—though hurt—should respect the slow process of acceptance.
• Encouraging Maturity:
  “If your new boyfriend wants a relationship with him, it's going to come slow, it’s going to come over time, and it’s going to come through emotional maturity.” [31:41]
• Reality Acceptance:
  “If both of y’all sit around wishing reality was different than it is, you’re just choosing to be miserable together on the couch. Life’s too short.” [33:04]
• Practical Guidance:
  Focus on being an emotionally present mother, accept the son’s boundaries for now, and let time ease tensions.

Notable Quotes

• “He should celebrate that you having a great breakfast with your son is not some zero-sum game. It doesn’t take anything away from him. He needs to be happy that his girlfriend is happy.” [31:41]
• “You don’t date your best friend’s ex. That’s just an old guy code… But I’m asking everybody to be mature.” [29:42]

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3. Caller Jasmine: Addicted to Sugar?

[36:40–54:38]

Background

• Jasmine feels addicted to sugar, especially while home and stressed about employment.

Dr. Delony’s Take

• Normalizing the Behavior:
  “You have no chance at getting diabetes other than spending a ton of time on social media and listening to nonsensical, uninformed, dangerous influencers…” [39:38]
• Shame, Storytelling & Self-Love:
  “The biggest issue here is the story you’ve told yourself, which is you’re weak, you have a character defect…” [42:13]
• Breaking the Cycle:
  • Reframe: You’re not weak—you’re using sugar for comfort; it’s normal given your situation.
  • Environment: Remove junk food from the house.
  • Identify triggers: Recognize moments driving the behavior (i.e., job searches and unstructured time).
  • Fill time with intention: “Refilling that unintentional time with intention.”
• Actionable Tips:
  • Create small rules (“I don’t go into the gas station/store”).
  • Start the day with a concrete action (“When my alarm goes off, I have to get up”).
  • Try a 30-day white-knuckle fast to reset cravings, per Dr. Anna Lembke’s “Dopamine Nation.”
• On Self-Compassion:
  “I’m way more concerned with the stories you tell yourself. I think in the long run, that’s more damaging than the brownie.” [50:52]
• Intention vs. Self-Critique:
  “When you change your story about yourself… some of these numbing behaviors kind of roll off.”

Notable Quotes

• “Walking around feeling like, ‘I’m not enough. I’m not good. I’m not worth it. I’m a failure…’ In a weird way, when you change your story about yourself, I get to, I get to feel great today.” [50:52]

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4. Listener Update: Elizabeth’s Sobriety Success Story

[55:43–56:56]

• Elizabeth, former caller addicted to marijuana, remains sober after three years and shares how sobriety transformed her life and parenting.
• Dr. Delony celebrates her courage and progress: “Beginning to feel feelings—joy and pain are on the same switch... What a great, great letter. Elizabeth, I'm proud of you. We're all proud of you.” [56:55]

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• “These things simply expose really thin and already fractured or shallow relationships to begin with.” — Dr. John [03:42]
• “Coming at somebody with facts and data actually further entrenches them in their position…it was never about facts and figures. It’s about connection. It’s about team. It’s about tribe.” [07:21]
• “It never makes anything better…It is easier to lash out on a loved one’s behalf than it is to hold their hand in deep grief and sadness.” [12:09]
• “The four most powerful, wise words: ‘I changed my mind.’” [13:24]
• “I’m way more worried about you and your son’s relationship, okay?” [24:40]
• “If both of y’all sit around wishing reality was different than it is, you’re just choosing to be miserable together on the couch.” [33:04]
• “The biggest issue here is the story you’ve told yourself, which is you’re weak, you have a character defect…” [42:13]
• “Walking around feeling like, ‘I’m not enough…’ When you change your story about yourself, some of these numbing behaviors roll off.” [50:52]

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Main Caller Ryan (Politics & Family): 00:05 – 13:38
• Daisy (Son Rejects Partner): 20:38 – 33:36
• Jasmine (Sugar Addiction): 36:40 – 54:38
• Elizabeth’s Sobriety Update: 55:43 – 56:56

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Tone and Takeaways

Dr. Delony approaches each situation with empathy, hard-earned wisdom, and occasionally lighthearted humor. He encourages callers to grieve, accept hard reality, resist shame-based stories, and always aim for connection over winning arguments. The central advice: love patiently, stay present, let time and reflection do their healing work — and when in doubt, keep choosing the next right thing.

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This summary provides a comprehensive guide to the episode, highlighting the emotional journeys, practical tools, and Dr. Delony’s signature voice. Whether you’re facing family divides, step-family complications, or personal challenges with habits, this episode offers hope and hard truths in equal measure.

Transcript

[A]

My brother left me on red for about a week and then texted me this huge paragraph telling me that I discussed him. He actually accused me of being a Nazi because of who I voted for.

[B]

Wow. Welcome to modern America, my brother.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jesus. I hate that for him. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody, man. What up, what up, what up, John with the Dr. John DeLoney show coming to you from Nashville, Tennessee, taking your calls from all over planet earth about your mental and emotional health, your relationships, your marriages, your kids, whatever you got going on in your life. I'd love to have you on the show. Go to john deloney.com, ask a s k and fill out the form and type whatever you want to type in there. Short, short little statements or. Kelly loves to read long, long, like, journal entries. Put whatever you got going on, put it in there. And Kelly and the gang will. Will get you on the show and we will pull up a seat together and figure out what's your next right move. Let's go out to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania and talk to Ryan. What's up, Ryan?

[A]

Hello.

[B]

What's up, dude?

[A]

This is insane. I'm a huge fan.

[B]

Well, thanks, man.

[A]

I needed one to you and I listen to Dave all the time. Well, that's on the way to work.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. So I'm calling because. Well, my brother, we haven't talked in a little bit, and a couple weeks ago I texted him to reach out, told him that we needed to get in touch, and he left me on Red for about a week and then texted me this huge paragraph back, basically telling me that I discussed him and that he actually accused me of being a Nazi because of who I voted for.

[B]

Wow. Welcome to modern America, my brother.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jesus. I hate that for him. I hate that for you. I hate that for everybody, man. Yeah. How long. This is just a personal question. How long has your relationship been iffy? Is it just this thing? Has it always been a little bit back and forth, a little bit sketchy here and there?

[A]

Well, I feel like ever since he decided to go up to college and I decided to stay at home, and then after I graduated, I got married, we just haven't really been in touch because then he decided to start living up where his college is after he graduated, and he lives there full time now, which is like two hours away, so I don't really get to see him, but it's never been like this. Our relationship consisted of I send him a funny meme, we talk afterwards, and then we just don't talk For a couple of days, then. And then wash, rinse, repeat. And he just stopped responding to the stuff I've been sending him for a couple weeks. And then I texted him. Then he dumped all this on me.

[B]

Yeah. So I. I'm. My opinion, or my lived experience, if you will, sitting down with folks from all over the place is evolving. And I thought for the last four or five years, especially since COVID Right. That Covid politics, Voting for Democrat, voting Republican, voting super, super far left. Super far right, super woke, super anti woke, whatever. I thought those things were dividing up families. And I mean, it's. It's. It's at epidemic proportions. The number of parents who've cut their kids off, the number of adult children who've cut their parents off, and vice versa. Right. But now my opinion is evolving in that these things simply exposed really thin and already fractured or shallow relationships to begin with. And that's why. Just wondering, like, I guess it doesn't surprise me that your relationship was mostly via text, mostly via funny memes and some back and forth, which is basically just like a kind of a head nod, right. When you're walking down a hallway of a high school and you see your buddies, you might shove one of your buddies or give them a hug or say, what's up? But there's all those people that are just like, in your class, you know, and you kind of just like flick your head up at them, you know, just raise an eyebrow to them. And. Yeah, I think that's actually the issue. And then you get these moments of that feel like big severance, but really they're just revealing how big the cracks actually were, man. So how can I help? I hate this for you, dude. I hate this for everybody. How can I help you, man?

[A]

I guess I'm just looking for what the next right thing to do would be, because after he sent me these texts, I tried to tell him, like, I'll never let politics divide my family. And then we had a phone call a couple days later, and it also didn't end well because all he wanted to do was debate me on politics. And I was just like, I don't want to have this conversation. Like, I want to talk to my brother and see why he thinks this is more important than our family. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. How old your brother?

[A]

He's 24 and I'm 21, about to turn 22.

[B]

Okay. I guess the. The. The reality is, is that everybody I know, everybody I know is anxious right now. There's just chaos and uncertainty everywhere and. And this Isn't a political statement. There is a sense of chaos and turmoil that allows leaders to kind of do what they want to do underneath the chaos and turmoil. Right. It's kind of like a look over here and kind of waving the flag over here so that I can go do whatever it is I think I want to do over on the other side. Right. I guess if there's any. Any sort of piece I can give you is that at 24 years old, I was literally the smartest person who ever lived ever. I knew everything at 24. And then at 28, I started to realize how much I didn't know, which then made me double down on everything I know at 24. And then all of it came crumbling down at about 35. And I've been trying to crawl out of. Crawl out of it all since. Right. All that to say is you saying, I'm not going to let my family be divided over politics is important, but it misses the big picture, which is your brother Will. He does want to divide his family up over politics, and I guess in a weird way, I want to honor what he feels right now. He thinks you're evil. He thinks you're insane.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And when somebody thinks you're evil, somebody thinks you're insane. Coming at them with facts and data. Often the literature tells me that coming at somebody with facts and data actually further entrenches them in their position. So if somebody's very Democrat or very Republican and somebody sits down and says, okay, but here's the actual economic data that counters their argument, or here's the actual accomplishments of either side. Here's the data. It actually further entrenches them in their position because their position was never about facts and figures. It's about connection. It's about belonging. It's about team. It's about tribe.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And so the only way I've ever seen anybody successful in reuniting a relationship that way is, number one, to grieve the loss of your brother as he is right now. It's just heartbreaking, man. And that's the only thing you can control right here is your grief. Just be sad. I miss my brother. He's my older brother, dude. And my older brother thinks I'm evil, and I don't think I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then following up with nothing more than connectivity. And what I mean by that, here's like some simple things, is to shoot him a text message or even go one step further and write him a letter and put it in a mailbox. But just Let them know and make it short, but just say, hey, I've had a couple of days, a week or so to reflect on our conversation. I need you to hear me say, I love you and I miss you and I'm glad you're my older brother. And that be really the gist of it. And maybe send him pictures of you and your wife. Send him pictures of you and your kids and let him stay unread because you can't control whether he reads them. You can't control whether he writes you back long, rambly, whatever. You can't. You can't. You can't impact any of that. All you can impact is, hey, you have another tribe over here that's not giving up on you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's it. That's. And. And there's something so powerless about this. You know what I mean? It feels so powerless, but that I don't know any other thing to do in these moments. And if you. Except to continue to offer olive branches and extensions of, I'm still here and I love you. And then I guess there's one other thing you can do, which is, man, I hate how we throw around the word Nazi here because it's just such an egregious, awful, evil, and we just throw it around over here. And that just tells me people didn't pay attention in history class or our history classes were so washed over that we don't really know, like, true history. But it's to be reflective. Is there anything he has said to you in your arguments or whatever that you're like, you know what? He may have a point there. Or maybe I chose what I thought was the best of two bad options. Or maybe I am. I am equally entrenched on my. Like, is there moments of reflection? I always love to go to the mirror when people are really upset with me or when they really don't like a stance I've taken on something and at least ask myself, like, am I. Am I pretty firm on this? Am I right on this? Um, but other than that, there's not a lot you can do, which is so sad. I wish I had another word for it. It's just sad, man. What's your wife think about it all?

[A]

Well, actually, I. I wanted to talk about that. She's, how you say she is the passionate one when it comes to defending her husband. And whenever she heard about this, she took it upon herself to send him a text message.

[B]

Oh, no, no, no, don't do that. Yeah, I love it.

[A]

Hey, I talked to her Afterwards, that's.

[B]

You got a ride or die, dude. And I love that. I love. Yeah, Somebody's mean to my wife. I will learn what I did wrong in jail. I get that. I get that sentiment. And also, it never makes anything better. It never makes anything bad. Right.

[A]

It also didn't help the fact that we just found out she's pregnant. So, like, she's. Her emotions are at an all right now.

[B]

Okay, Ryan, that's just between you and me. Never say that sentence out loud, ever.

[A]

Well, she's actually right beside me. No, I know, I know.

[B]

I'm totally playing. I know. Yeah. Pregnancy is. Is a time.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I love that she wants to defend you and I, I, I. We need more marriages like that. I love it. And it's easier. This is going to be hard to say because this is the pot talking to the kettle here. It is easier to go out and hit somebody, to lash out on. On a loved one's behalf than it is to hold their hand in deep grief and sadness. Yeah. That emotional response that's beneath the physical response is so hard. And that's what we need to have right here, is her to be able to put her hand on your arm and to hold your hand, and y' all just be sad. That big older brother, a guy who could be a great, cool uncle, is caught up in a tribe, man, and he is burning everybody down around him. And my heart breaks for that guy because I've been that guy. I've been that guy on multiple different issues and topics, and it's exhausting, and it's tiring, and it's so, so lonely because these things that we. These hills that we die on are often very, very shallow and very hollow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right? There's just so few William Wallace moments in the world, and media and politicians do an amazing job of getting us to believe that every hill is a William Wallace moment, and they're just not. Right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, man, I'm sorry, dude, but I think the double down here is on connection and on relationship and on. Hey, I want to say thank you for letting me hear your heart. And you're carrying a lot right now, and you're my big older brother, by the way. You're about to be an uncle. And just for whatever it's worth, I love you, and I'm glad you're my big, big brother. And it's cool to watch you be really passionate about something and let that be it. And what you want is In a year, three years, five years, 10 years, you want your Brother to have a trail of his younger brother, his new nephew, his sister in law, never giving up on him. And for everybody out there, I know how hard this is. I know this from personal experience. The fights during COVID the wars, inside families over politics, blown up friendships, blown up marriages, blown up parent, child relationships, all of it, man. I, I am there with everybody listening. And I'm telling you right now, in the ash of all of this, we're going to look around and a, we're going to realize how thin and fake these tribes were. These people don't care about us. They don't. They don't. But our brothers and sisters do. And they will, Our friends will, our church communities will, our neighbors will. If we will continue to stare down the flames of all this stuff and continue to say, I see you and I love you. And Ryan, that's going to mean there's gonna be some sad nights and some lonely nights. One other thing I would recommend for you to do is to write your brother a long letter. Get it all out of your body, in your system. And in this letter, there's three parts to it. There's the. Hey, I miss you. There's the anger. Hey, who do you think you are? Call me a Nazi dude you want to talk about. And, and you can get all of your facts and figures and call out his stance and his side, all that. Then the third one is, and here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to continue to love you. You're my brother. I'm going to continue to stand here amidst your, your silence, amidst your accusations, and I'm going to be reflective. And if I'm wrong, if my positions need to change, awesome. I'm going to be that kind of guy. And also, whenever the smoke clears and the fires that are going on inside your heart and in your spirit and in your mind and in your soul, I'm going to be right here. I'll never have left you. And by the way, for everybody listening, the five most incredible words in the English language, to me that denotes a wise person. The, the. The most. The sentence somebody can say that makes me go, I trust that person and they are wise is I changed my mind. That's four words. So, Kelly, maybe edit this out or don't. That's cool. She's just shaking her head. No, I changed my mind. Because why else would you listen to a podcast? Why else would you read books? Why else would you get new information, have conversations with buddies? Why would you just read the same book over and over when you already know the ending. We do those things so we can learn new things so we can go, Huh? I was wrong. I changed my mind. The four most powerful wise words. And so when somebody you love calls you out hard, at least exhale for a second, look in the mirror and say, do they have a point? Are they right? And if so, going to say those words, I changed my mind. And then I'm going to go about doing the next right thing. Thanks for being brave and calling Ryan. You're not alone, brother. Millions of Americans, millions and millions of families are in the same mess you're in, dude. And I wouldn't wish it on anybody. I'm in it too. I'm in it too. But I'm grateful for you. And dude, a hug your wife tight because you got a ride or die. And also y don't blow each other's family up via text we come back. A woman asks how to fix her relationship with her son who rejects her new partner. 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Wherever you listen to it on podcast, hit the subscribe button. It makes such a huge difference across the board. Let's go out to Hartford, Connecticut and talk to Daisy. What up, Daisy?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

How are you, lady?

[C]

I'm well. How are you today, Dr. John?

[B]

I'm doing. Oh, just call me John. That's what my mom and Amy. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. What's up?

[D]

Good.

[C]

Well, I hope you can help me with a conflict that's in my life.

[B]

I'll do my best. What's going on?

[C]

All right. My son totally rejects the partner who I'm with and who I've been with for the last couple of years. He wants nothing to do with him. And I've written letters, I've talked to him face to face. I begged, pleaded, and cried to say, would you please get to know him? You have a preconceived notion of who he is, and he's not that person.

[B]

How old's your son?

[C]

He's 30. Just got married a month ago.

[B]

Okay, how. And where's. Where's your son's dad? Birth dad.

[C]

In Florida.

[B]

Okay, tell me about that relationship.

[C]

Well, we. We were divorced about 15 years ago. I've been with another person after our divorce, probably about. For about nine years. And here's where the conflict comes in. The person that I was with happens to be my new partner's best friend or was my new partner's best friend. And all my son knows is, what a crumb. You don't do that to a friend. However, he won't listen to the story that this person, my, I guess my ex boyfriend, cheated on me in the house that he was living in, which was my house at a remote location.

[B]

Hmm.

[A]

Man.

[B]

So your boy has just watched mama get hurt over and over again, hasn't he?

[C]

Well, yes, I guess, but we used to be very, very tight.

[D]

And.

[C]

And now that he's married I. I sidestepped away because that's. His wife is his number one person in his life, and I understand that, but I've zigged and zagged have. Trying to have a relationship, and my. The relate. My partner now feels extremely disrespected because there are no consequences for his rude behavior. I don't want to lose him.

[B]

I mean, my. My impulse here, and it may be wrong, my impulse here is that your new partner doesn't get a vote in your relationship with your adult son. What kind of rude behavior are we talking about here?

[C]

He needed his birth certificate for a marriage license. I said, well, I'll call him Dan. Dan, come on over.

[D]

But.

[C]

Dave is here, and he goes, okay, Dave gets up to shake Dan's hand and. And he just walks right away. But yet I will give him his birth certificate, and there are no consequences. And I was steaming when that happened, obviously, and talked to him afterwards, and he just shuts me down.

[B]

And he's 30 years old. What kind of consequences? You're going to spank him? Like, what kind of consequences are you thinking of?

[C]

Consequences as, oh, well, I'll do anything for him. Such as? He just, as I said, just got married. Was there a bankroll for that? Absolutely. And my partner was not invited to the wedding, and he felt very dissed over that. And my son just wanted his parents there, and he felt very excluded.

[B]

Yeah, tell him to get over himself. To be honest, I mean, I. Here's the thing. The. The. The problem here is your relationship with your son, not your new boyfriend's feelings. Is your new boyfriend 50, 55? How old is he?

[D]

55?

[B]

Yeah, dude. I mean, I would want there to be some big happily ever after moment, leave it to Beaver moment, and like, I would be sad about that if I was him. And also I would understand. This guy's been through a lot. This guy didn't know me, and right now he's not interested in getting to know me, but walking around being butt hurt like I should have got invited to. Fair. Fine. But I mean, for real, get. I. I don't know, dude. I. I'm way more worried about you and your son's relationship, okay? And you have to ask yourself the question, a. Is my son's relationship me and my son? Is our relationship together? Is it worth. Let me put it this way. Is my relationship with this new boyfriend, Is it worth severing ties with my son? Or can you and your new boyfriend have a grownup conversation that says, yeah, he's struggling a lot, He Saw my first marriage with his birth dad go south. He rallied and tried to connect with this other guy I was with for a decade. And it's just kind of out on it all right now. And y' all can do that or you can talk about. Yeah, consequences, whatever. And by the way, you don't have to bankroll stuff. You don't have to do these things. You got to give him his birth certificate. Right. But other than that, like you don't have to pay for stuff. And so that's you asking yourself these questions.

[C]

Mm, I want, I want to, I want, I, you know, with the pending possibility of grandchildren in the future, I don't want, I want to be in those kids lives and I want to be in his life. For an example, went to brunch with him on Saturday and his and his wife and had a really nice time, got home and basically got. And he knew about it. I told him that I was going and it was as though I was being punished for having that relationship because, oh, thanks for the invite. I'm like, course, you're not going to get it, dude.

[B]

This boyfriend's a baby. Tell him to get over himself, okay? Like, he should be really happy that his mom has relationship with her adult son and should be sad that he's not included. But go watch a football game, dude. Go for a jog. You know what I mean? And here's the thing, right? If he's fully invested in you, then he's gonna want you to have a close, connected relationship with your children, period. Because they come first. Second. He has to know, man. First dad 15 years, second stepdad nine years. I've got to prove over time that I'm all in on this 30 year old man's mother. I'm gonna love her, I'm gonna honor her. I'm not gonna get my feelings hurt. I'll be pissed off. Fine. I'll be mad. Fine. But I don't know this kid. And I am. When she, when my girlfriend goes and has a, a nice brunch with her new daughter in law and her son, I'll be happy for him. Good for them. You get what, you get what I'm saying?

[C]

No, I hear what you're saying. And you know what his, his reaction to this? It's like he should come first. He should, he should always come first. A relationship between two people, you don't break that bond. But the bond is, I can't stop loving my kids. You know, it's no.

[B]

And anyone who marries somebody who has children knows those kids are really important.

[C]

Very important.

[B]

And just crossing your arms and going, I'm taking my ball and going home. And a good like, here's the thing, I applaud your, your new boyfriend. I applaud him for trying to shake his hand. I applaud him for trying to reach out. That's, that's the right mature thing to do. But your 30 year old's not 12. He's 30. And so now you have a relationship between two strangers, two grown men, one of which is hooking up with my mom. Right. And so there's gonna be some delicate balance to that. Now if your son was on the phone, I would probably tell him to get over himself. But he's not. Right, he's not. And I guess if, if anybody else, I want to tell you, you're not crazy for continuing to love your son and going to breakfast with. I'm proud of you for that.

[D]

Thank you.

[B]

I'm proud of you for getting to know this new daughter in law. I'm proud of your son for not cutting you off. And just as a guy, I'm, I'm kind of with your son. You don't, you don't date your best friends. I don't care how long. Right. You just don't do that. But I mean, that's an old guy code and that's just ego and whatever. But I don't know, I have a little bit of.

[C]

Yeah, and we, we were recessing. We were great friends before. I mean, nothing inappropriate and.

[B]

I know, I know, I know. I'm just acting like a fifth grader right now. I'm just acting like, like recess. Right. In the old days, I don't think they have recess anymore. But back in the old days when they let us get out of the classroom every once in a while, like there's just a code on the schoolyard. Right? You just don't do that. But I, I get it and I'm asking everybody to be mature. But at the end of the day, I don't think the problem right now is your 30 year old son. I just don't. I think he drew a boundary and said, mom, I love you and I want to be in your life and I want you in my life. I want you in my new marriage. I want you with my grandkids when they come along. I don't want this other man in my life right now.

[C]

Right. And do you think that it will ever smooth and smooth over and over time?

[D]

Will he?

[C]

I mean, at 30 years old, you know, you know? You know, of course you do.

[B]

You know how smart I was at 30? That's the smartest guy who ever lived. The only person smarter than me at 30 was me at 25. The only smarter guy than that was me at 22. I knew everything at 22.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

So I think the older I'm getting, the dumber I'm get. I'm realizing I actually, I actually am. But like, here's the. If you're, if your new boyfriend wants a relationship with him, it's going to come slow, it's going to come over time, and it's going to come through emotional maturity.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And that means he has to recognize I am number three in a long line of men who have hurt this young man's mom. And I understand that. And I wish I was included. I wish I was a part of this stuff, but I'm not right now. So his relationship is not with this 30 year old. It's with you. And so if this is important to you, which it should be, he should celebrate that you having a great breakfast with your son is not some zero. It doesn't take anything away from him. He needs to be happy that his girlfriend is happy.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Is that fair?

[C]

Good words. Those are good words.

[B]

Okay. And he gets to be sad too. I would be bummed out. I don't. I, I'm such a people pleaser. I don't like it when anyone doesn't like me, much less this woman's like, fam. I would get that. I get that he gets to be sad, but he doesn't take it on you. He doesn't take it out on this 30 year old man. Right?

[D]

Absolutely.

[C]

And it's, and it's, it's difficult in the sense that his two sons, which are the same age as my two son, have embraced me.

[B]

Great.

[C]

So it makes it even. It makes it harder for me or more embarrassing or. No, you know, you don't need to.

[B]

Own any of it. Don't own any of it because you can't own any of it because none of it's about you. You choosing to be embarrassed over this is a choice to be. It's a strange thing to say, but it's a choice to be miserable in the present. His two boys have embraced you. Awesome. Your son's not there yet. Awesome. It is what it is. What it is. And if both of y' all sit around wishing reality was different than it is, you're just choosing to be miserable together on the couch, pain, life's too short.

[C]

Man, right?

[B]

You can grieve it, you can be sad about it. You as, as, as this young man's mother can say, can I say two kind things that this man did for me recently? And your son may say, I don't want to hear it. Or he might go, go. You get two things, go and you just say it and then that's it. But if you're always calling your 30 year old son, saying he's really heartbroken that you didn't invite him, or I think you should have, then your son's, your son's walls, his boundaries are going to get thicker and taller and more reinforced. The softening will happen when he sees. This story I've made up about this man isn't totally true. The story I've made up about this man is, is, has some cracks in it. And this man loves my mom. And this man supports her joy. And right now her main source of joy is her son, his new marriage and one day being a grandparent. And that's just grown ups acting like grownups, period. So thanks for the call, sister. I, I wish it was different, but it's not. And I think choosing to live in reality and then choosing to be emotionally mature is the path forward. Thank you so much for the call, sister. We come back, a woman asks how to break her addiction to sugar. Yikes. We talk a lot on this show about boundaries. Things like emotional boundaries, relational boundaries, financial boundaries. But there's one boundary that nobody talks about and I should talk about it more and I don't. So I'm doing it right now. Boundaries around your digital life right now. Your personal information, things like your phone number, your address, even where your kids go to school is sitting on countless websites that you've never heard of. You didn't give them permission to have this information. They took it and it's out there. And let's be honest, this is not just an annoyance, it's a violation. It creates this constant hum of anxiety in the background of our lives, knowing that every decision we make is being tracked by somebody that we don't even know about. That's why I use delete me. DeleteMe goes after the data brokers and the people finder sites that collect and resell your information without your permission. Delete me tracks down your information and they remove it. And every few months they send you a report showing you exactly what they've done. Taking control of your digital life is about boundaries. And boundaries are about peace. So go to joindelete me.com/deloney and use code Deloney to get 20% off. That's join Jo I n joindelete me.com /deloney to save 20% off. All right, let's go about five hours south of Nashville to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Jasmine. What's up, Jasmine?

[D]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you?

[B]

I'm doing awesome. How about you?

[D]

Just vibing.

[B]

Just, just vibing. What's up?

[D]

So I have sort of self diagnosed myself.

[B]

Oh, I love. Hey, just starting this conversation that way is so great.

[D]

Thank you, thank you.

[B]

I love it.

[D]

So I've self diagnosed myself with an addiction to sugar, which I've probably had for a while, but it hasn't really bothered me until recently. So my question is what do I need to like really like understand to like finally like break the habit, you know? Because logically I like understand that I should not be eating like sugary chocolatey snacks after like every time I eat.

[B]

Why not?

[D]

But I, because, oh, so many reasons. It like I makes my blood sugar crash. I feel bad afterwards. Type like diabetes runs in my family. Like so many reasons that I know I should not be eating it after like every single time. But I do it.

[B]

Is it delicious?

[D]

Oh, it's so good.

[B]

Oh man, there's so much here. And you're talking to a fellow addict. I am not self diagnosed. I, I for real. I think the, the, the first thing I want to address here is the story you've made up about addiction.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

And underneath that story, this compulsion, this, this insatiable feeling, whenever we label it an addiction, it's a strange thing, but it gives us an extra tiny sliver of permission, like I can't help it or I have a thing. And so I want to move that aside for a minute. Now addiction is very, very real. Make no mistake. Right? Make no mistake. I've sat with people who are in recovery for my whole career. I get that. But I want to get to the story beneath it. What does a delicious. What's your, what's your drug of choice? Mine is gummy candy. Actually, mine is anything. There are Oreos on the counter last night and I just crushed them. What is your drug of choice?

[D]

I mean, I live like anything chocolatey, like brown butter brownies, chocolate chip cookies, chocolate covered, anything.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Like all day.

[B]

Okay. And are you, are you struggling with your weight?

[D]

No, I'm definitely not struggling with my weight. I'm, I've, I work out three times a week. I'm like active. I walk every day. Like health wise, I'm doing good.

[B]

So why is this a story you've chosen to tell yourself? You're fit, you're healthy, you're doing well, you're in. No. Absolutely no. You have no chance of, of getting diabetes other than spending a ton of time on social media and listening to nonsensical, uninformed, dangerous influencer after influencer after influencer saying white sugar is the worst. And if you struggle, all that nonsense, the most compelling data from the top scientists in the space, not influencers, but scientists have convinced me, and this is going to get me electrocuted via the Internets, that there really is no bad food. What gets bad is when we start beating ourselves up and starting to get into our lovability, our self worth, our. We make up stories about negative stories about ourselves that become part of our identity. And then we start saying things like, I can't and I'm addicted. I'm hooked. I can't stop. Which starts a cascade of behaviors that. To cover up that feeling of shame and sadness and exhaustion and frustration. You know what makes that go away? More junk food. Right?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And it just gets into the cycle. Right. So have you struggled with disordered eating in the past?

[D]

No. I mean, not like, not at all. I think what, I think what gets me though is all like, look like, you know, I'm at the grocery store, I'll buy nsca. I'm gonna make this last until for this amount of days, this amount of weeks. And then when it doesn't, I'm like, I have no willpower, like over myself. And it's sort of. I'm like, I don't like that feeling.

[B]

That's so awesome. You and me are exactly the same. This is so great. So this is what we do. We surround ourselves with really, really sharp knives all around our bodies, our face, our heads, and we put them like one inch from our face. And then we sneeze and we stab ourselves and we blame ourselves for having. For sneezing. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

The ecosystem has been the challenge.

[A]

Okay, Right.

[B]

So it like. And I'm, I'm poking at you, but I'm also being very serious. I think the biggest issue here is the story you've told yourself, which is you're weak, you have a character defect. You're don't care about your body, you don't care about your health. You're less than somehow. And that is influencer drivel nonsense. Okay. Sounds like you're taking care of your health. And you want to have some candy or a delicious butter, whatever. Super atomic brownie. Great. Okay. When it becomes detrimental, the, the, the true definition of addiction is a behavior that has a known detrimental cost and we continue to do it anyway. It's a compulsion towards a reward, a treat, something delicious isn't an addiction.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

Now, where you run into bigger issues is if you have relationship challenges, if you have spiritual challenges, if you've got other health issues, if you've got fears or anxieties about money, about work, about any bigger topic things, everything can become a Xanax. Okay? And so for me, I, I, I don't have a clinical. And I'm, I'm going back on what I said here. My clinical diagnostics are different. I do struggle with anxiety, and I do, I am clinically diagnosed with ocd. Like, I've got some of these things that when I get uncomfortable, if I surround myself with any number of things, I'm going to reach there and grab it, and that will let me avoid doing the thing that I need to do.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

Okay. So here's if you actually want to stop eating sugar, which I'm not recommending, but if you want to stop doing a. I'm trying to think of the right word. If you want to stop avoiding hard things in your life or uncomfortable moments in your life, and your drug of choice right now is sugar. Sometimes for me, it's work. Sometimes for me, it's actually exercise. Sometimes for me, it is junk food. Sometimes it, for me, it is silence. And what. It can be any number of things for all of us. Okay? There's three things you can do. Okay. And these are you can do them together, you can do them in individuals, but this is just kind of the order of importance here. Okay? The first thing you can do is clear your environment out. If you don't have junk food in your house, you won't eat it. And so the actual triggering event is at the grocery store, not in your house.

[D]

Okay?

[B]

Okay. And so my, one of my rules of thumb is I don't ever fall off the wagon. I will park the wagon, climb off of it, and roll around in the mud for a while and then get back on the wagon. Okay?

[D]

Okay.

[B]

But demonizing Oreos, demonizing brownies, as though there's some kind of evil thing, it just sets up and I could get all nerdy, but I won't. It could sets up a, for lack of better words, I know there's a clinical thing, but it sets up a compulsion. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You can't, you can't, you can't, you can't. Versus I get to I get to, I get to, I get all this delicious, awesome food here. Man. I'm really feeling nervous about my money situation. I'm gonna sit down and look at the actual reality of my money. I'm gonna actually sit down and look at my budget. I haven't slept because I've been scrolling two hours before bed for the last four years. I'm gonna get the phone out of my. You see what I'm saying? It's, it's these up river behaviors and if the junk food's not there, then you can't just mindlessly go after it. Okay, so that's number one. Number two is look for the triggering event. What is that thing? So do you know that when do you find yourself grabbing it more and more? When you're tired, when you're frustrated, when you're lonely? What, what, when do you do it?

[D]

Oh, when I'm applying for jobs.

[B]

Oh, tell me about that.

[D]

I've been unemployed, I think for a month and two days at this point. And I've, you know, I've worked since I was 15. So it's, I am in a good financial position. You know, I'm not worried about money at all. But it's the fact that I don't have a job right now, I think.

[B]

Are you finding yourself increasingly grabbing more and more junk food?

[D]

Oh, yes, because I'm, I'm home all day.

[B]

Okay, okay. So do you see how the problem here isn't, that isn't your lack of willpower and your weakness in this evil food? The challenge is, is the alarms in your body are starting to sound. Hey, what's our purpose? We're just, we have a lot of unintentional time on our hands now where you might say, I'm not worried about money at all, but there's a little tiny engine somewhere in the back of your brain that's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. This is one month. This is two months. And then you start scrolling a little bit more and it's like the economy's collapsing, the dollar's going right, and it's just like, hey, right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what makes all that go away? Another brownie. It just does.

[D]

It's so good too.

[B]

So good. It's so good. Right? And so the, the bigger challenges for me are what if you went and found a just a regular old run of the mill, four hour a day job, part time job, Starbucks, Walmart, Burger King, I don't care. And you might say, that's beneath me. I'm an Attorney. I've got the. I'm. I'm suggesting to go do a thing to keep your body active and movement and aimed towards some tiny little purpose.

[C]

Okay?

[B]

The second thing is, is begin the night before on a note card. You don't need a fancy app, but a note card that just says, here's what I'm gonna do tomorrow. And commit to one thing. I will keep my promise to myself about tomorrow. I'm gonna get up and at this time, I'm gonna exercise. I won't touch my phone until 9 o' clock in the morning. I will apply for three jobs or five jobs or 10 jobs, and then I will turn off the screens and I will go for a walk. I'll go to a soup kitchen and work for two hours. I'm gonna go walk a dog. I'm gonna go work four hours at. You get what I'm saying? It's. It's about refilling that unintentional time with intention. And none of that, none of that is as fun or as easy as just grab another brownie. Just. It's just not. It's. All the things I'm telling you are awful and miserable. Okay.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's the next thing. This is this called the smallest tiny action. I got this from Michael Easter and it's been magic in my own life. Okay. For you, the smallest tiny action is not putting it in the grocery store. I mean, not putting it in your basket in the grocery store. It's making a rule. I don't go into. Inside into the gas station. I don't go in the door. And that way you take away. It's kind of like when you're. If you're like a true alcoholic, you can't go to bars anymore, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so what's the smallest tiny action? Here is a couple in my life. When my alarm goes off in the morning, I have to get up. I have to get up, right? Then I have to put both feet on the floor. Otherwise I will sit there, I'll grab my phone, I'll check the Astro score, they lose all the time. I will then check the Ranger score, they lose more, so I'm happy. And then I will find myself an literally an hour later down some weird rabbit hole. And so my rule is when the alarm goes off, I have to put my feet on the floor and stand up and get out of my bed. And for whatever reason, that starts a positive cascade towards all the things that I said I was going to do that day. But saying I'm not going to scroll and I'm not going to do this and I'm not going to. Man, that is a lot. Willpower is finite. Like, that's a lot of. Of. That's a crummy way to start a day other than my alarm goes off, I'm gonna get up. And then here's the last one. This is from the great Anna Lemke. She. She's the addiction guru out of Stanford Medical School. She's a. If you want to read an amazing book, read Dopamine Nation. It's one of the best books of the last decade. If you're a. If you're a nerd like me, it's a masterpiece of a book. And it does start. The book starts with a long chapter on masturbation. So some people get stuck in it. They're like, what? But. But read the book. It's. It's just world class. It's amazing. But she recommends a white knuckle, 30 day fast. Don't do it for 30 days. Don't try to make peace with it. Don't try to have it in the cabinet, but only get it after 4 o'. Clock. Go 30 days with nothing. And whether that's a rubber band that you pop, whether it's a. Keeping a small journal next to you. I got mine right down here. Look at this. If you're watching this on YouTube, I literally have it right here. I'm carrying it right next to. It's right on the floor, next in the studio, right by my feet. But it's. I make little tally marks in it. Here's a behavior I wanted to do and I'm not doing it. I felt it, but I'm not going to do it. And it's a way to acknowledge to my body, oh, you want to do a thing. But we're not going to do that for 30 days. And what you will find over 30 days is the craving incredibly subsides. Can you get addicted to Sugar Pro? Yeah, probably, yes. I think more so you get addicted to the numbing behavior. But I don't want to. It's just. It's an academic discussion. It's a thing in your life that you wish was different. Cool. But I'm way more concerned with the stories you tell yourself. I think in the long run, that's more damaging than the brownie. Walking around feeling like, I'm not enough. I'm not good, I'm not worth it. I'm a failure. I can't even go 30 days without whatever the story you want to tell yourself is. And in a weird way, when you change your story about yourself, I get to, I get to feel great today. I get to have a healthy breakfast today. I get to go to the gym today. Some of these numbing behaviors kind of roll off. Or when you find yourself with three extra hours a night because you've committed, I got, I leave my phone in the car. Or I just deleted all social media apps off my phone right now, except for LinkedIn, I'm looking for a job. Then you realize, oh, my gosh, I don't have anything going on. I'm gonna call a friend. I'm gonna go hang out with some people. I'm going to go grab some chips in the queso. I'm going to go hang out with some. But like, whatever, you start to fill your life up with things that actually make your body feel whole, feel good, and, man, you just don't feel that same burning desire to just hammer an entire pizza. And if you do hammer a pizza, do it with intention, do with a smile on your face, and get up the next day and get back after it. In all, you're worth being loved and you're worth telling yourself good stories and you're worth doing the work to do the next right thing. Look for the smallest tiny action as far up river as possible. And pay special attention to the triggering events. And every once in a while, just crush a good brownie. We'll be right back. This show is sponsored by Better Help. All right, here's the truth. I have great friends. I got a strong faith, and I have an amazing wife and a family. I'm also kind of a nerd. I got two PhDs worth of information about how to be well and whole right? And yet there have been critically important times in my life, several of these times over the years that I've had to go spend time with a great therapist. And that time with a therapist has made all the difference for me and my emotional health, my mental health, and my relationships. The right therapist can change everything. In this month, my friends at BetterHelp are shining the spotlight on the therapists. These are the people who truly make the world a better place. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the largest online therapy provider on the planet. They've served over 5 million people globally, and they have over 1.7 million client reviews and an average rating of 4.9 out of 5. BetterHelp works. It's totally online, and it's easy to fit into your schedule and to get started. You just answer a few simple questions and they're going to connect you with a licensed therapist who will fit you and your needs. If it's not the right fit, you can switch therapists at any time for no extra cost. This month we celebrate the therapists who have helped millions take a step forward. And if you're ready to find the right therapist for you, BetterHelp can start you on that journey. Visit betterhelp.com DeLoney to get 10% off your first month. That's a BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com DeLoney all right, Kelly, something awesome happened. What is it?

[E]

All right, so you may Remember back in 2023, we had a call from Elizabeth in Roanoke, Virginia. She was the one that was addicted to pot.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[E]

And she was doing her 30 days. You know, you asked her to do 30 days and 60 days. So she sent in an update. We haven't heard from her in about a year. So last time we heard from her, she'd had a baby girl.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

Well, she emailed and she said, since the last email I sent you in 2023 to share the arrival of my gorgeous daughter, I've also added an adorable son.

[B]

Yep.

[E]

I have remained sober since I quit after talking to Dr. DeLoney. And it's been the best thing I ever did. Stopping using marijuana has opened up my life to being a mother, which although very exhausting with two under two and a half, has brought me the most immense joy and satisfaction. My tolerance for frustration has skyrocketed and my depression has basically disappeared. I can't believe how far I've come in the last three years. And it's all because the leap of faith I took to believe that sobriety was better than using.

[B]

Yeah, dude, congratulations. Ah, Elizabeth's awesome, dude. Yeah.

[E]

And she sent a picture. She asked us not to use it.

[B]

Sure.

[E]

But they're adorable.

[B]

That's amazing.

[E]

Absolutely adorable, dude.

[B]

That's so cool. Congratulations. If you are struggling with addiction, go see somebody, go talk to somebody. And some things like alcohol, if you've been struggling for a long, long time, you just go cold turkey. It can, it can be really not good for you, health wise and kill you. So sit with somebody, talk to somebody. But if you're struggling marijuana, you're struggling with sugar, like the last call. Whatever, man. Taking those 30 day fast, those 60 day fast and beginning to feel feelings, enjoy and pain are on the same switch. Beginning to feel the good stuff and feel the discomfort and the anxiousness and begin to backfill that with habits you're worth having. Like going for a walk, like exercising, like laughter, like creating kids. That's a fun distraction. Like doing awesome things. Man, what a great, great letter. Thanks for sharing that one, Kelly. That one's good. Elizabeth, I'm proud of you. We're all proud of you. Everybody love well and go do the next right thing. Talk to you soon.