Should I Forgive My Friend After He Slept With My Wife?

Summary

The Dr. John Delony Show

Episode: Should I Forgive My Friend After He Slept With My Wife?
Date: February 18, 2026 | Host: Dr. John Delony | Ramsey Network

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Dr. John Delony Show tackles tough questions about betrayal, relationships, personal values, and the complex work of moving forward after deep hurt. Listeners call in with raw, real-life problems, and Dr. John provides both practical and empathetic insights. The central theme revolves around confronting heartbreak, the rebuilding of trust within oneself, and how to anchor your life after disruptive betrayals or in the face of uncertainty.

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Segment 1: Should I Preserve My Friendship With the Man Who Slept With My Wife?

Timestamps: [00:05–13:24]
Caller: Paul, Huntsville, Alabama

Key Discussion Points

• Immediate Reaction:
  Dr. John is unequivocal in his initial response:

  "God, no. No, no. Like, and I ask this with all due respect. What's the matter with you?" ([00:11], Dr. John)

• The Weight of Betrayal:
  Paul describes finding his wife and his longtime friend together, which led to divorce proceedings. His confusion is compounded by mutual friendships and shared history with the friend who betrayed him.

• Grief and Loneliness:
  Dr. John recognizes the deeper layer beneath Paul's question:

  "It can feel terrifying to look around on the island that is your life and realize you've got nobody." ([02:25], Dr. John)

• Sacrificing Integrity for Grief:
  Dr. John warns Paul not to compromise his character for a temporary sense of community:

  "Don't sacrifice your integrity and your character for grief, okay? Because you're going to end up squashing a strong worthy, lovable guy for the sake of momentary loneliness and pain." ([02:49], Dr. John)

• Reality Check and Ownership:
  Dr. John gently but firmly draws the boundaries around the reality Paul is facing:

  "Your wife has abandoned you and left you. And I'll even go one step further. She embarrassed you. In your own home, in your own bed, with your community that probably you brought her into." ([05:19], Dr. John)

• Reflection on Red Flags:
  Paul reflects on ignoring past warning signs about his friend, with advice from his therapist reinforcing the message:

  "When people show you who they are, you need to listen." ([07:08], Paul quoting his therapist)

• On Peer Groups & Community:
  Dr. John explores the painful realization when a larger friend group may not stand by you:

  "If after a guy in that gang goes over to a fellow gang member's house, sleeps with his wife in his bed, and that community chooses him over you, you have to experience that for what it is." ([07:08], Dr. John)

• Changing Relationships as We Age:
  Friend groups naturally tighten as life progresses:

  "Maybe you had a group of eight or nine guys... now you're 25, 35, 45 and that number’s 1 or 2. It just stinks, man." ([09:07], Dr. John)

• Learning to Trust Yourself:
  Paul describes a history of infidelity in relationships, often dismissing gut feelings as anxiety.
  Dr. John reframes “anxiety” as the body’s natural warning signal:

  "If you define anxiety as your body's innate signaling letting you know things aren't right, then your body was exactly right." ([11:15], Dr. John)

• Moving Forward—Building Identity:
  Dr. John suggests shifting the mindset from “fixing a thousand things” to focusing on identity-first changes:

  "Come up with an identity: This is the guy I want to become... The actions I take, little actions, a million tiny wins... will lead me to become this kind of guy." ([13:05], Dr. John)

Notable Quotes

• "Most of us have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back. We don't have a good psychology for what happens when somebody we love and care for and support stabs us in the face." ([12:53], Dr. John)
• "Ask yourself, what is it about me as the common denominator in all these relationships? What is it about me that keeps picking people who aren’t of character? And that’s the work moving forward. You can’t do this alone." ([13:24], Dr. John)

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Segment 2: Can I Marry My Boyfriend If We Have Different Religious Backgrounds?

Timestamps: [17:08–33:00]
Caller: Elizabeth, New York

Key Discussion Points

• Cultural Geography vs. Faith:
  Dr. John points out that sometimes differences in background (South vs. Northeast, upbringing style) are more pressing than differences of faith ([19:16]).

• Fundamental Values:
  The focus is shifted from the mechanics of belief to the alignment of values:

  "What's more important than what we believe in any given moment is a value set. Are we anchored into the same values?" ([21:54], Dr. John)

• Children as a Litmus Test:
  Having children magnifies these value differences and demands operational strategies for faith, money, sex, and kids ([22:05–26:38]).

• The Myth of the Perfect Partner:
  Elizabeth voices her concern:

  "I think sometimes I have this fantasy of this perfect marriage and this perfect guy in my head..." ([25:28], Elizabeth)

  Dr. John responds by recommending brutal honesty:

  "Can I fully tell the truth? Can I keep no secrets? Do we deeply respect each other in philosophy and in practice?" ([26:02], Dr. John)

• The Search for Authenticity:
  Elizabeth shares feeling like the odd one out in every group. Dr. John cautions against losing oneself for the sake of belonging:

  "If you’re not careful, the person you lose in all of this is you." ([32:58], Dr. John)

• Personal Values Before Relationship Decisions:
  Dr. John encourages Elizabeth to do the internal work before making any final decisions about the relationship:

  "Before you go back and say, hey, is he the right guy?... What do I believe and what do I value?" ([33:00], Dr. John)

Memorable Moments / Quotes

• "Ask yourself who you want to be and begin reverse engineering the practices and the people you're going to take along with you on that adventure." ([33:00], Dr. John)
• "Hold whatever you come up with very loosely, because it will change. It will change through grief. It'll change through tragedy. It'll change through heartbreak. It'll change through children." ([31:23], Dr. John)

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Segment 3: How Do I Build Habits Without Shame Cycles?

Timestamps: [38:45–51:47]
Caller: John, Kansas City

Key Discussion Points

• Struggles With Consistency:
  John wrestles with guilt and shame when he fails to maintain healthy routines, often comparing himself to his successful father and friends.

• Root of the Problem: Core Worth:
  Dr. John traces the real issue beneath habit formation:

  "The meta theme here is you don't think you're worth those things. Why is that? Where’s that story come from?" ([39:52], Dr. John)

• Difference Between Guilt and Shame:
  Dr. John demystifies these concepts:

  "Guilt is, 'That was dumb.' Shame is, 'I am dumb.' It's an identity. It's an ownership." ([47:11], Dr. John)

• Thought Journaling and Self-Awareness:
  Dr. John shares his own habit of keeping a "thoughts journal" to externalize negative self-talk and challenge harmful internal narratives ([47:59]).

• Choosing Your Hard:
  The process of internal change is hard, but so is staying stuck.

  "What you have in front of you is two hard paths. Not one easy and one hard. You have to choose your hard path." ([51:30], Dr. John)

Memorable Quotes

• "If you want to become a man who other people find rest when they're around because of your strength... you have to develop that stuff from the inside out." ([49:47], Dr. John)
• "I want to be someone that people feel is a steady person in their life. I want to be the peace portion of what you were talking about." ([47:11], John)
• "Challenge those stories... write everything down, ask your wife to call you out when she sees you being negative." ([49:47], Dr. John)

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Segment 4: Helping Blended Family Kids Cope

Timestamps: [51:47–end]

Key Discussion Points

• Addressing the Question “Why Did a Parent Leave?”
  Dr. John recommends never trying to shield children from their big questions but to anchor them in safety and connection:

  "We're not going to avoid the hard questions. We're going to provide a safe, anchored place for them to ask these hard questions." ([~55:30], Dr. John)

Memorable Quotes

• "The trauma there is the isolation—a kid feeling like I have to answer this question on my own because there's no safe adults in my world." ([~55:00], Dr. John)

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Episode Highlights & Notable Quotes

• "Don't sacrifice your integrity… for grief." ([02:49], Dr. John)
• "When people show you who they are, you need to listen." ([07:08], Paul quoting his therapist)
• "Ask yourself, will I begin to become a person who trusts myself?" ([12:16], Dr. John)
• "What's more important than what we believe in any given moment is a value set." ([21:54], Dr. John)
• "Hold whatever you come up with very loosely, because it will change." ([31:23], Dr. John)
• "What you have in front of you is two hard paths…you have to choose your hard path." ([51:30], Dr. John)
• "We're not going to avoid the hard questions. We're going to provide a safe, anchored place for them…" ([~55:30], Dr. John)

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Overall Tone & Takeaways

Dr. John Delony provides a mix of directness, empathy, and hope while challenging listeners to face the hardest truths in their lives. He encourages self-reflection, the pursuit of integrity over comfort, and the importance of choosing one’s identity and values before making big decisions about relationships, habits, and forgiveness. The show is candid, often humorous, but always anchored in the belief that growth is possible—and that connection, honesty, and courage are essential tools for healing and moving forward.

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Transcript

[A]

Is it worth trying to preserve my friendship with the man who slept with my wife?

[B]

God, no. No, no. Like, and I asked this with, like, all due respect. What's the matter with you?

[A]

So, I mean, this. This is someone that I've known since high school.

[B]

Yeah, but they slept with your wife. What is John with a Dr. John DeLoney show? Thicken your calls. What's going on in your life, your marriages, your mental and emotional health, your kids, your schools, your workplace, whatever you got going on, I'd love to pull up a seat and have a conversation. If you want to be on the show, go to John Deloney. D E L O N Y John Deloney dot com. Ask a S K. And we get thousands and thousands of emails and calls from all over and would love to pick yours and have you on the show, johndelane.com ask. Let's go to Huntsville, Alabama and talk to Paul. Hey, Paul. What's up, dude?

[A]

Hey, John. Just wanted to say I've become a big fan in a short while. My sisters loves this show and a life event recently she recommended. I listen to you so.

[B]

Well, dude, I'm glad that you're here, brother. And you're just down the road here, so come, come down and visit. Or I'll be in Huntsville, Alabama, doing a comedy show here in March and we can. We can meet up.

[A]

Oh, nice.

[C]

Awesome.

[B]

So what's up, brother?

[C]

So I.

[A]

My question is, is it worth trying to preserve my friendship with the man who slept with my wife?

[B]

No, no. Like, and I asked this with, like, all due respect. What's the matter with you? I'm just kidding. Like, tell me what you're thinking through, man.

[A]

So, I mean, this. This is someone that I've known since high school.

[B]

Yeah, but they slept with your wife.

[A]

Yeah, you're right.

[B]

So I interrupted. You keep going.

[A]

No, you're good. It's just. She initiated.

[B]

Yeah, but he slept with your wife.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And I know I keep interrupting you and I'm doing that strategically, but I'm struggling with what is hard about this to metabolize other than if your wife did this and your best friend did this. It can feel terrifying to look around on the island that is your life and realize you've got nobody.

[A]

Yeah, that. That's. That's where I feel like I'm at.

[B]

Don't listen, don't sacrifice. And again, I want to hear your story. But listen, don't sacrifice your integrity and your character for grief, okay? Yeah. Because you're going to end up squashing a strong Worthy, lovable guy for the sake of momentary loneliness and pain.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

All right, let me. Tell me your story, brother.

[C]

Just.

[A]

December 23rd, got home early from work. I was on night shift at the time, and his car was in my driveway, and I walked in my house, walked in my bedroom, and they were in the bedroom. I didn't catch them in the act, but, you know, when they're both in their underwear, you kind of just assume.

[C]

What'S been going on.

[A]

My wife is not wanting to patch things up. We're in the middle of the divorce. Paperwork is filed. We're in the middle of the 30 day wait period. And through this person, my wife has not shown nearly as much remorse as he has. And through him, I know probably roughly 20 people. And it's difficult because excising him is going to. From my life is going to obviously put a little bit of a blockade in my relationship with other people as well. So.

[B]

Yeah. But let me. Let me make this. I. I feel like my job when I first started this podcast was to, like, pull apart the etymology of ADHD and how it works.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

And I feel like, over and, you know, like, here's the. The difference between compulsive behaviors and obsessive thoughts. Like, I thought that that was what my job was. I feel like now this show has morphed in a way, or my role in the world has morphed in a way, and it might not be this way forever, which is to really sit with somebody as reality is becoming clearer and clearer. And so I don't want to kick you while you're down, but I. Now that you're here and we're sitting at the same table, I want to clear the whole picture for you. Okay?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And it's one I think that you see coming or that you experience, but, man, all of our instincts, mine too, is that I want it to not be as bad as it is. So here's the place where you find yourself. Your wife has abandoned you and left you. And I'll even go one step further. She embarrassed you.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

In your own home, in your own bed, with your community that probably you brought her into. Right?

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Your best friend humiliated you. Right. He revealed himself as somebody you didn't know him to be, which is both disgusting and, like, heartbreaking. But it leaves all of us asking the question. It leaves you asking the question, how did I miss that? That's not the guy I thought he was. And I trusted him with everything. Right.

[A]

It's bad because I had a conversation with him roughly a year ago. He and his girlfriend were. Had been together for five years. And the conversation was, hey, man, you need to eat, you need to take a crap or get off the toilet. Like, either you can leave this girl and be done with her and let her move on, or you can marry her and, you know, do the right thing. And his response was, I'm not invested in this relationship. I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want to miss out if something better comes along. And I told him, I was like, look, man, you're just gonna get in this relate. You're gonna either try to jump out of this relationship way too quick or you're going to end up cheating. And they ended up breaking up about six months ago. So he followed my advice, but, I mean, there was a pit in my stomach after that conversation for the longest time. I should have went. There was a talking with a therapist. He said, you need to. When people show you who they are, you need to listen.

[B]

There you go. And now here's the. Here's the next layer. If you are a part of a friend community of a gang, and you mentioned 20 people. It's got 20 people in it. And after a guy in that gang goes over to a fellow gang member's house, sleeps with his wife in his bed, and that friend community chooses him over you, you have to experience that for what that is. That. That another. Another layer of grief, which is. Who is the character of these people?

[A]

Yeah, I've got some friends who are very much sticking by me through this. And then I've got some others who have not even been able to go to dinner with.

[B]

How old are you?

[A]

27.

[B]

Okay, 27. Sometimes people are. I think all of us, like our bodies fight for homeostasis, which is a nerdy way of saying our body fights for the things that it knows the way things in. That's why you'll lose £30 and you'll gain £35 back. Right. Like your body, even if it'll kill you, it wants what it knows. Which is why changing childhood patterns in adulthood, changing relationships and attachments is so hard. Because our body, it just goes down the path that it already knows. Right?

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so I. I'll even give your friend some grace. I would clown them if they were having a conversation with me.

[A]

But.

[B]

But, like, what they want is things to be the way they were. And if somebody like, somebody does something stupid, somebody does something caustic, somebody blows up the whole thing, they. They're. I Get the impulse too. Let's just get it back to the way it was. There's 20 of us, we're all gang, and we all just do stuff together. And you saying, no, I'm not going to be around them. It can be easy to point at you and say, hey, actually, you're the problem.

[A]

Right, Right.

[B]

So how old are you right now?

[A]

27.

[B]

Okay. All. Yeah. You just told me that all of this is happening in an ecosystem where between 25 and 35, your friends who have been your friends through high school, through college, they turn into adults. And it just changes friend groups winnow down to where maybe you had a group of eight or nine or 10 guys, you hung out in college, and now you're 25, you're 35, you're 45, and that number's 1 2. And it just stinks, man. It just is. It's not a bad thing. It just is. People go in different directions. Right, right. And so all that is happening at the same time. But to answer your original question, I'll, I'll echo what your therapist said. When somebody reveals himself. I, I don't know how you could ever trust somebody with job advice, with child raising advice, and in your future, dating advice, with money advice. I don't know if you could sit and share a drink or yourself with anybody if they were the kind of person who would sleep with your wife in your bed while you were out working, earning money for your home.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so the step for me seems not in that direction, but in I've got to be really heartbroken and sad and I've got to feel the weight of. I missed it with my wife. I missed it with my best friend. What does that say about me and my, my radar system for, for trustworthy people? Right.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I just always, I've been in, in high school, I was in multiple relationships where someone ended up cheating on me. And so I just assumed some of the feelings and red flags I felt popping up in my heart and my mind were just anxiety.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I just dismissed them.

[B]

Well, it probably was, but it depends on how you define anxiety. If you define anxiety as something's wrong with your brain, then, yeah, it's easy to, let's just go try to wallpaper over that. But if you define anxiety as your body's innate signaling let you letting you know things aren't right, things aren't safe, then your body was exactly right.

[A]

It definitely feels like the latter right now.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I, I, I, I always, always, whether it's working through it with me or with other people when somebody tells me they're struggling with anxiety, even, even diagnosable disordered anxiety, I always want to start from a place of what is your body trying to get your attention about? What if your body's right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I think the lesson for you moving forward is your body tried to get your attention. After that last conversation with this guy six months ago, a year ago, your body was probably ringing its alarm system off the hook with your wife.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so your new, your new path forward, which is going to be a lonely caustic. It's going to feel like, you know, like one of those dystopian movies. Right. Where you come out of your tent and everything's gone. Right. It's going to feel hollow for a while. Yeah. All that's right and good. You're gonna have to ask yourself, will I begin to become a person who trusts myself?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I mean, this whole thing is, I'm in therapy, I'm getting back into church. I haven't. I've been letting myself down in that regard.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I'm trying to, like, stop watching pornography. There's just so much that's happened because of all this that's, that's good, that allows me to grow, but it's still, you know, And I mean, this guy is someone I went on. I went on a cross country road trip with him. I lived with him for two years here in Hunt, here in Huntsville. When I first moved here for a job, me and my wife lived with him and his girlfriend for two years. He's loaned me money.

[C]

I've.

[A]

I've loaned him money. Like it's mo.

[B]

Most of us have a psychology for when somebody stabs us in the back. We don't have a good psychology for what happens when somebody we love and care for and support stabs us in the face.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And what most of us do, whether that happens at the corporate level or the home level, is we create a bunch of rules. We create a bunch of, of walls. And what we end up doing is we create a bunch. We build a bunch of walls to protect ourselves, but we don't lock others out. We just lock ourselves in.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so your challenge moving forward is who's going to walk through life with you. And that. And what that means is guys that you can be completely honest with, that you can be trustworthy with, that you can be open with, and that when your guts tell you there's something shady about this character that you are going to call it out. And if you've been cheated on over and over and over and over again, I'm never going to dismiss that. But you have to ask yourself, what is it about me as the common denominator in all these relationships? Keep picking people. What is it about me that creates maybe a context to where I'm. People need to go elsewhere. Or what is it about me that I keep picking people who aren't people of character? And that's the work moving forward. You can't do this alone. I'm glad you got a couple of guys that are sticking with you. Those are going to be your boys. Ride or die. You got to have men in your life instead of, like, trying to do a thousand different things all at the same time. Here's what I'd love for you to do. I love for you to spend some time with you and your counselor and ask yourself this question. Who do I want to be? I want to be a man who is at peace. I want to be a man who makes good choices. I want to be a man who trusts himself so that others can trust him. I want to be this kind of guy. I want to be a guy that keeps his promises to himself. And then we're going to reverse engineer the behaviors there. But if you run out and just, like, try to quit pornography and try to quit drinking and try to go back to church and try to not do this, what you're going to do is you're going to give your. You're going to create a failure factor for yourself. Because all those things all at the same time with a bunch of scattered. I'm going to do this and this and this and this and this. It's a recipe for burnout, for just exhaustion. Instead, come up with an identity. This is a guy I want to become. And then the actions I take, little actions, a million tiny wins every every day, every week, every month will lead me to become this kind of guy. And now you're talking. Life change, man. I'm sorry, dude. Golly. Happy New Year, my man. This is your freedom year. Be a person of integrity through the divorce. Be a person of integrity with not talking trash about your old friend. Be a man of character and then be about the bravery and courage of getting well. Thanks for the call, man. Jeez, it's heartbreaking. We come back, a woman asks if she can marry her boyfriend if they have different religious backgrounds. We'll be right back. I love Montana Knife company. They make the best knives on the planet, period. Everybody knows that My son and I are big hunters. Everyone knows that. My wife is an incredible cook. So between the woods and the kitchen, I. I need knives that actually work that hold up. And that's why I love Montana Knife Company knives. I bought the chef's knife set for my wife several years ago. It was an investment, and she still uses it every day. She says it's like the greatest present I've ever bought her. Listen, I have a number of their knives for my outdoor adventures. All of their knives are designed, tested, and built by real hunters and real cooks. When you pick one up, you can feel the quality. They're proudly made in the usa. They are razor sharp right out of the box, and they are tough enough to last a lifetime. Montana knife guarantees that my grandkids are going to fight over who gets these knives one day. If they need sharpening, you just send them back to Montana and they'll sharpen them and send them back to you for free. Give the outdoorsman and the cook in your life knives that they will love and actually use forever. Go to Montana knifecompany.com to see what's available. Right now you can. You won't be disappointed. That's Montana Knife company dot com. All right, let's go out to New York and talk to Elizabeth. Hey, Elizabeth. What's up?

[D]

Hi, Dr. John. How are you this morning?

[B]

Doing awesome. How are you?

[D]

Doing okay. Thank you so much for taking my call. I'm a big fan of the show.

[B]

I'm a big fan of you, dude, you have a voice that sounds so clean and clear. It's like AI voice.

[D]

Oh, I promise I'm real, but thank you.

[B]

That's awesome. Like, you can tell my voice is an AI because I stumble and sound just like mumbly. You sound. You're. Anyway, go ahead. Sounds awesome.

[D]

Well, thank you. My question is, can I marry my boyfriend if we have different religious backgrounds?

[B]

Tell me more.

[D]

Yeah, so I met my boyfriend in college in the Northeast, and I am from the south, and I grew up going to church, and I'm a Christian, and my boyfriend is from San Francisco, and his. His family is all non religious and he's an atheist. And so, as you can imagine, we've had a lot of differences in our backgrounds and things like that. But throughout our relationship, we've really dove into each other's lives and learned how to celebrate our differences and have respectful conversations about them. And there's so many ways where I really see him as the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But I just worry a little bit about this one big difference because it feels so fundamental. And he's wonderful, and he is very respectful of my faith, and he'll go to church with me and things like that, but it feels like there's something somewhat missing there. And I'm not sure how to tackle that issue in a respectful way to him and to his background and also in a way that feels good to me, I guess.

[B]

Yeah. Man, what a great question, and what a thoughtful way you and your boyfriend have navigated this. How long have y' all been together?

[D]

A little over two years. Okay, so we're not, like, thinking about getting married tomorrow or anything. It's just more like as I think about the future of the relationship.

[B]

Sure, sure. Listening to your conversation, just listening to you talk, it sounds like geography is a way. Cultural geography is a way bigger deal than faith right now.

[D]

That's. Wow. That is such a good point. I would say that there definitely has been some. Yeah, I would say there definitely has been some struggles and some conversations that we've had to have that we've had about cultural geography. And I think for me, I mean, I live in New York now. I went to college up in the Northeast. And I think for. For me, I've definitely encountered some insecurities over where I'm from and felt a little bit like I have to justify my. I don't know. I don't know the right word, but sometimes I feel like.

[B]

I get it.

[D]

Yeah, I get it.

[B]

I'm from Texas. When people come in, they have to justify themselves even being in the state.

[C]

Right.

[B]

I get it. Totally get it. And weirdly, I have. I spend time in New York just because of my job, and I have found New York to be full of incredibly lovely people, and they're incredibly different. Right?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And so I'm more interested in where. And maybe it's the Southern politeness that you grew up with, like, that your job is to remain small and to swallow your feelings and concerns and ideas, which is often. It can be felt with an anxiety, like going to school, going to hang out in New York, living in New York, it can feel like. My friend, she's a comic named Tina Frimmel. She has cerebral palsy, and she is. She's a comedian. She's hilarious. But she says, like, being a comic with a disability is the least interesting thing about her in New York. Right. She's not weird enough. Right. Whereas in the south, it'd be like, oh, my gosh. Right. So.

[D]

Right.

[B]

It can feel like You. This freedom, be whoever you want is almost terrifying. It's anxiety inducing. Right. Because in the south, you have your roles and you got your place. Does that make sense?

[D]

Totally. Yes.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay. So to answer your question, big picture. Yes. I think people who believe different things can get married. I think it is really, really hard.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And I think that it's less about the beliefs. My wife and I actually go to the same church, and we have different beliefs on things in different seasons of our lives. What. What's more important than what we believe in any given moment is a value set.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And are we anchored into the same values?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And where this gets really messy is having kids.

[C]

That.

[D]

That's. Yeah, that's definitely been a huge part of. What's kind of driving this question, I think, is thinking about. About having kids, which, I mean, like I said, won't be for a while, but, you know, down the line.

[B]

But it's worthy of. It's worth thinking about before you.

[C]

Exactly.

[B]

Before you and him stand before your God and his nothingness and say, like, till death do us part. Right.

[D]

Right.

[B]

That's a. That's something to think through.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is there a possibility. And I'm playing devil's advocate here, just throwing spaghetti against a wall to see what sticks.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is it possible that, A, you love this guy. B, y', all, in many aspects, make each other, encourage each other to be the best version of yourselves. You challenge each other. You've opened doors for each other, like, philosophically and, like, physically. Right. And also, you have a sense in your guts that this isn't your forever person. And so we're looking for a thing to anchor that into.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, I think. I think that's honestly a little bit of the question that I've asked myself, and I don't feel like I completely know the answer to that. Part of me has worried a little bit that I have kind of looked for an off ramp on it.

[B]

That's what I'm asking. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. And I'm not sure if that's because I am scared of the commitment or of being with somebody forever, even if they're whoever, or if it's because something about this relationship is not right. And I think. I think I definitely. I definitely, in my past had a lot of anxiety and overthinking when it comes to relationships and kind of mulling over everything. And with him, you know, I just kind of dove into it just to kind of see what would happen. And it's been so wonderful, and I'm so Glad I did. Even if he's not the one, because I've learned so much and, you know, experienced great things. But it's just. I don't know. I think that that's also something I've thought about and I'm not totally sure.

[B]

Okay. I think when it comes to an anchor point in terms of values, in terms of the lens with which I see and interact with the world, having a spouse that has a different lens, wears a different set of glasses makes coming up with the same picture for what we want our life to look like very challenging.

[D]

Yes. Yes. And I was just thinking about that the other day, because I don't even know what we were talking about, but it was something a little more like philosophical and worldview and, like, people in the world and how we exist in the world and that kind of stuff. And as we were talking about it, I was like, wow. We're like, not. We can't even have a con where it's like we're speaking different languages. We're not even coming at this from anywhere that's similar, you know, and that's. And I guess, like. I guess my. My question on that would be. I feel like another thing that I worry about with myself is I think sometimes I have this fantasy of this perfect marriage and this perfect guy in my head. And I know that realistically, nobody's perfect. And so I guess, like, where's the line between accept. Accepting that somebody isn't exactly what you would have drawn up, maybe? And where is it just not right, you know?

[B]

Yeah, no, it's. I think it's an awesome question. And I get this question about faith. I get this question about aesthetic. Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, somebody falls in love with somebody who just is not the picture they had at all in their head of the. Their. Of their Romeo or their Juliet. Right, Right. And so I think those. Those things are always great. Those are great boundaries to run up against and see if they hold. Right. The question I would ask anybody, wondering, is this one Right?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Is can I fully tell the truth?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Can I keep no secrets? Do we deeply respect each other in both in philosophy and in practice?

[D]

Right.

[B]

Because those are two different things. And will we. Can we be united on, like, faith, money and sex? Those are in kids. Those are four of the big ones. Like, we need to be. We need to be on the same page. That doesn't mean we have to believe the same thing, but that means on those issues, we have to, A, be able to keep no secrets and tell the truth, and B, Come up with an operating strategy for each one of those things that works for both of us.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so if you find. I can't do that in these things. And again, my wife and I let me take something silly like having a mortgage.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My wife could care less. Doesn't bother her one second. And I can't sleep if I owe somebody money. It's a pathology. It makes me nuts. And so in our home, she knows that's a point of safety and madness for the guy that she married and the guy that she loves.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so she's like, cool. What do we got to do to get this stupid thing? Oh, we're not gonna go on vacation for three years. Okay. Like, that's a sacrifice she made. And when we paid our house off, that. My commitment was, we're gonna go on a. The craziest vacation that you've ever could imagine. Dream up the craziest thing you can imagine. We're doing that.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

When in my guts, I was like, we're wasting money. We're blowing it. Right. But we have a strat, an operating strategy for how we navigate differences of belief.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And so when it comes to faith, both of us are Christian, but that means something different to a billion different people across this planet.

[C]

Right, Right.

[B]

And it means something different to the two people in my home.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

But what does it mean in practice on a day and day basis? How do we respect each other? How do we have disagreements? All of that stuff really, really matters. And when I find myself feeling like I have to keep secrets or I can't tell her this or that, that's when we get a problem.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And vice versa. When I feel her keeping secrets from me, that's when things get bad.

[D]

Yeah, totally.

[B]

And so the question I'd ask you is, are there parts of you that you have to put in a box and move away so that you can experience the good stuff?

[D]

I. I think I've sort of self imposed some of those boxes on myself a little bit with him.

[B]

How very southern of you.

[D]

Right. I think I. I think that. I think some of that was because, like, in college, for example, like, nobody I went to college with was a Christian. None of my friends were Christians. And I grew up going to, like, a private Christian high school and in church all the time. So it was kind of like, I kind of just got used to that, you know? And.

[B]

And let's be honest. Can we be honest? It's also a little bit exotic to hang out with a bunch of people who and exotic's a weird word to use there, but.

[D]

No, but you're totally right.

[B]

It's exotic too, because you were probably raised that similar to me, that them non believers out there, they're all fill in the blank, and then you meet them and they're like, those guys are awesome.

[D]

Exactly. Yes.

[B]

And I think they're generous, they tip well. They would fight for me in a bar. Like, they're great. Yeah, right.

[D]

Yes, exactly.

[B]

It's disorienting for a while. It's. It feels like, wow. It's exciting, right?

[D]

Yes. And I think even, like, with relationships, my previous boyfriends who were Christians treated me terribly compared to this guy who I'm dating now. And so I think that's also been a little bit of a tough thing with my face, with my faith of like. Okay. I don't. I just. It's hard to see how those things all line up, you know?

[B]

Well, the challenge is. And you're 23, if you figure this out now, you'll be 20 years ahead of me. Okay. I literally hired a guy two years ago. He was a theology professor here in Nashville at a university. And I hired him and we met once a week for a while with this question, faith 101.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I speak at different churches. I can pull anybody's faith practices apart and poke holes in everything, but I was struggling with, what do you actually believe, dude.

[D]

Right, right.

[B]

Because I have a 13 year old, and at the time, I had a 13 year old and an 8 year old at the time staring at me going, daddy, what do you believe? What's real?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And so for me, for you, I think the challenge is what does that label Christian mean at the age of 23?

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And what does it mean?

[D]

I think that's something I'm figuring out.

[B]

Right, right. But what does it mean in value?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And what I mean by value is this will always be the lens I look through.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And this will be. And there's an air of submission to it. I'm not the center of the universe. The universe doesn't revolve around me. There's bigger things. I take a need of something bigger than me and say, dear God, please help.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And if you're a Christian, then that's. I'm leaning into the practices of this guy named Jesus. I want to be like that guy.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. And so you doing the work for. What does this label mean? Who am I going to be in belief and in practice and in value? That's. That is a. I. Dude. I Didn't take that on until I was way older.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So. And by the way, hold whatever you come up with very loosely, because it will change.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

It will change through grief. It'll change through tragedy. It'll change through heartbreak. It'll change through child. Children. It'll change through everything. Right?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It's asking yourself those questions. And then here's the hardest part that I want you to consider shedding, which is, where are spaces I can be fully me?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And you might find that I can't be fully me around my old high school classmates, and I can't be fully me and respected both. I can't respect myself and others respect me in some of these other spaces I live. And your. Your. Your picture of life is, where can I fully exhale?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that makes. I think that makes a lot of sense, and I definitely think that's something that I. I started kind of searching for in college and as well, because I would have a lot of different groups, and, you know, I had a Christian group, and I had other groups of other things I did. And I felt like in every group, I was like, this is awesome that I get to be this part of me, you know, but never.

[B]

But you're the odd man out in every group, too.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. Because when I would be with my Christian friends, it was like, well, I'm also hanging out with people who aren't Christians and stuff like that, you know?

[B]

Well, and this is probably not a great word, but it becomes an ethnicity. It becomes where you feel comfortable. It's where I know the rules. I know the language. Right. So it's like going back with your friends who speak Spanish, you can just jump right into speaking Spanish, and it's great. And you've learned this new language, which is cool to use a new language. Oh, that's awesome. But if you're not careful, the person you lose and all of this is you.

[D]

Yeah, absolutely.

[B]

Who do I want to be? Before you go back and say, hey, is he the right guy? Is this the right relationship? I want you to ask you, what do I believe and what do I value? And you'll find some misalignment in there. Everyone does. But who do I want to be in this world? And what framework do I want to use? And as a Christian, I want to use the framework of this guy, Jesus, and how he treated people, how he showed up for people, how he honored people, how he gave his life for people. I want to be that. And it's. It is hard it's very hard to marry somebody who's like, man, I don't believe that. That's stupid. That's tough. Marrying somebody who's like, dude, I believe all in that framework too. I don't believe in the mythology of it, but I believe in the. In that framework. Well, you can work through some of those things, but it's you first. Deciding, I'm gonna stop holding parts of myself back with my core group with my ride or dies with my gang. And of course, when I go to certain places and I don't tell jokes like this over here, and I don't make jokes over here. Last night I was in the comedy club. I wasn't like preaching in there. Like, there's, of course all of us. A part of being mature is. Is being socially aware, right? But when it comes to that core group, who can I just drop my shoulders around and say, ah, I like this song. Even if they're like, I hate that song. I. I believe. I believe in God, I believe in Jesus. That framework I. I've devoted my life to. And they go, dude, that's amazing. It's awesome. Me too. Or, man, I've got so much respect for that. It's beautiful. Ask yourself who you want to be and begin reverse engineering the practices and then reverse engineering the people you're going to take along with you on that adventure. Great question, and it's awesome. Y' all have thought through this and had some great deep philosophical questions. And y' all are highly respective of each other. I applaud you. And I applaud you for getting out of your bubble and going to experience things. That's amazing. That's awesome. We all need to do that because it challenges our worldviews. But now you got to go to the mirror, and that's always a hard place to go. Thank you for the call. When we come back, a man asks how he can build lasting habits, healthy habits, without falling into shame cycles. Be right back. You all know that I use the app Hallo. And right now you can try the app for free for three months. That's 90 days of the number one Christian prayer and meditation app in the world at no cost. And this offers only for my audience. Go to hallow.com deloney to check it out. And listen, here's why I use it. My life is busy. Family, work, everything else that life throws at me. And if you're like me, all of our lives feel like it's spinning off its axis. And when I'm not anchored spiritually, I get untethered everywhere else, and Hallow helps me start my day grounded before the chaos comes. This year, Lent starts early. Lent is a season of reflection and fasting for Christians. But honestly, anyone can benefit from hitting pause, reflecting, and resetting their life with purpose. Hallow walks with you through that process with daily reflections and guided prayers that bring clarity and peace. When everything feels loud and chaotic, Hallow helps you breathe again. It creates space to be present. If you're ready to quiet the noise and reconnect with what matters, check out Hallow. And remember, when you sign [e-mail] Deloney, you get three months absolutely free. That's Hallow H A l l o w.com Deloney for three months for free. All right, hey, we are back. Before I jump into this next call, I talk to so many of you every day. This whole show has become over time based around relationships and for many of you, being married or trying to figure out the right person to get married. And there's a lot of big feelings and there's a lot of cultural swimming upstream dream. If you're trying to be married in this, like, fewer people than ever get married and it's more chaotic than ever and there's more options than ever. But if you want us get married and you want to stay married and you want to have the best possible marriage, people want that thing and it's hard to do. And so me and my gang here have created an app. And if you know how much I don't like apps, you'll know this is a big step for me. I love this thing because it works. And here's all it is. It is a bunch of daily, tiny, simple activities that this app sends you every day. And it learns you over time. And it has key things for you, paths you want to follow depending on what kind of marriage you're building right now, what you're working through in your marriage, it's not a huge, big grandiose thing. It is a bunch of daily actions towards becoming the person. And if you're married, a couple you want to become, and you can't make your partner do anything, you can't make your spouse become somebody, but you can do the things that get you closer to where you want y' all to be. You can use this app by yourself because I know some spouses are out and you can also use this thing together. And it's amazing. I've priced it super, super, super low. I know money is tight for everybody, but I also know people want to Have a good marriage. It's priced really low and it's just daily activities to bring you and your spouse together. Six bucks a month. That's it. Click the link in the Show Notes or go to to search the Together app by Dr. John DeLoney in the App Store. Yes, Android folks, we're working on something. Hang in there. But I want you to go check it out. It's microhabits for building a better marriage. Search Together app in the App Store. All right, let's go out to Kansas City and talk to John. What's up, John?

[C]

Hey, John. How's it going, man?

[B]

I'm good, brother. How are you, man?

[C]

Doing pretty good, pretty good.

[B]

What's up?

[C]

Living life, you know? Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I'll just get right into it. So my question for you today is I know what I should be doing on a day to day basis to be healthier, to be a better person, to feel better. But I just super struggle to stay consistent and I feel like I always find myself in like these shame cycles of just feeling bad about not doing what I should be doing. So I thought I'd ask you.

[B]

Dude, that's a great question. So give me an example of some things you're. You think you should be doing differently than you are.

[C]

Yeah, so a couple things there. I'd say working out would be a big one. Eating healthier would be another one. Spending more time with my spouse would be another one. I'd say those are probably the top three right there that I can think of.

[B]

So if I take all three of those things and distill them down.

[C]

A.

[B]

Common denominator across all three of those things, I want to look better, I want to feel better, I want to have a better relationship with the one person I committed myself to forever. The a meta theme here is you don't think you're worth those things. Why is that? Where's that story come from?

[C]

Oh, man. You know, I was thinking about this before our call and I think a lot of it is just derived from my past with how I viewed the success of other people. My dad was very successful in the business world. All of my friends that I just happened to grow up with ended up being very successful. And I just always felt like this need to just try to measure up to them and be like them. And if I have any kind of feedback that tells me that I may be straying from that path, then it's like, man, what am I doing? You know?

[B]

Well, it's not, hey man, what am I doing? It is. I'm not enough.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Because all of us have like, dude, what are you doing? That's life, right? That's. That's a life. I asked myself that yesterday, 20 times. What are you doing with any number of things, but when it crosses to that deeper hurt, which is you're not doing this and you're not worth anything, where does that story originate from?

[C]

That's, that's a question that I feel like I've been, I've been thinking about a lot and I don't, I don't know. That would be something that I feel like I'd have to like, really dig into with like a therapist or something like that. But I do know that like on a day to day basis, like, for example, a couple nights ago, my wife and I, we, we went and had ice cream. And the next morning I just was think, thinking to myself, like, ah, dude, like, why'd you have that ice cream? You didn't need that. You know what I mean? Like.

[B]

Yeah, but hold on. But you wanting that ice cream, you wanting to spend time with your wife was awesome. So who's, yeah, who's pumping the word need into your head and it's overriding what you want?

[C]

Probably like a mixture of media conversations with friends. Just like stories that I've been telling myself for a long time.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Okay, good.

[B]

I was gonna say that you probably don't even know. You realize you're telling yourself, right?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The thing about those stories is usually they come. The stories that we were born into. This is the way things are. This is the way our family is. This is who we are. And stories were told. Look at your brother. Look how he does it. This is how I got to be this successful. From your dad. If you don't do these things when you're nine, if you don't take out the trash, you're never going to be able to be a CEO of what? Right? And over time, those stories become the stories we tell ourselves. I can go have ice cream with my daughter and my wife and I don't have a scoop. I have a bunch. Right? And I can say to myself, that was stupid, that was too much without spiraling into. And that means I'm worthless, I'm a failure, I'm a loser. But usually the work I've had to do a is overcoming, calling out and overcoming some of those old stories. Right? And I think there's, I think there's value in that. If your dad constantly told you only patted you on the head when you did something successful and didn't sit with you when things fell apart, when things didn't work out well, when you dropped the pass, when you got the C, then of course your nervous system is going to adapt to, the only way I'm worth being loved is if I'm in the win column.

[C]

Yeah, right.

[B]

Or mom or whoever. Right. And so it's understanding this weird tension. Chris Williamson, my buddy, calls it out a lot. There's a weird tension between. Most men want to be told, hey, you are worth being loved, period. And the strange thing about that anchor point allows us to go do amazing, crazy, successful, wonderful things. Things. But it doesn't work in reverse. You're lovable if you have a six pack. If you never eat ice cream, if you never scroll on your phone mindlessly, if you don't spend 45 minutes in the bathroom just detaching from the world once in a while. Like, if you do these things, boom, Failure. Loser. No, Worth. So here's my challenge for you. You. You've heard me say the difference between guilt and shame.

[A]

I think.

[C]

So here's the difference. But go ahead and say it.

[B]

You went and had ice cream with your wife, which, by the way, 99 times out of a hundred, is an amazing, awesome thing. I'm glad you did that. It's great. And you can also see by the way these stories get so complex that your body has a goal of finding where you're failing. That's where it's. It's. It's default setting is tuned to where is John failing? And one of the things you want to do is spend more time with your wife. And when you went and did that, it found a way that you failed at that too, which was you shouldn't have eaten what you ate. And I can tell you when you're being annoying about your food. I don't need to eat that. I don't need to eat that. Your wife probably doesn't want to hang out with you, which means you fail at the other thing. Is that fair?

[C]

Yeah, totally.

[B]

Okay, so how do we align these things? Alignment number one is asking yourself, who do I want to be? Who's the. What's the guy I want to be? How do I want people to feel in my presence? Some people. And that's different for everybody. Some people want people to be excited in their presence. Some people want people to be totally at peace in their presence. Some people want people to feel safe in their presence.

[A]

Great.

[B]

Do you want to be the fun guy? Do you want to be the Guy that everyone just gravitates towards, or do you want to be the smartest guy in the room? Like, you get to decide who I want to be. And we're going to reverse engineer our things to that. That's number one. Number two, here's the difference between guilt and shame. I had a triple scoop of ice cream and then grabbed another scoop on the way out the door. I feel guilty. That was dumb. That wasn't good for my health. I'm not going to sleep good tonight. I'm going to be annoying around my wife tomorrow. That was. That was dumb. Shame is. I am dumb. I am weak. It's an identity. It's an ownership. You know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah, totally. And I think regarding the first question, like, I want to be someone that just people feel as a steady person in their life. I want to be the piece, the peace portion of what you were talking about. And so if we reverse engineer from that, like, I just. It just seems like such a task to rewire all of my thinking that I've been doing for years and years. You know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah. By the way, it's hard, and it's about 90 days of suck of hell not to cure it forever, but to put yourself back on a new path.

[C]

Yeah. Is it. Is it just simply, like, if I find myself having those thoughts just to be aware of it and call it out as many times as I can throughout the day, I carry.

[B]

I still to this day. I don't write in it nearly as much as I did for years, but I carried. I wish I had a cooler name for it, but it was just a thoughts journal. Man, I suck. I shouldn't have done that. I'm a bad dad because I. My wife should have married somebody else. I have no business. Fill in the blank. Right. Here's a good example. This happened to me last night. There's a thing here in Nashville called New Material Monday, which people go up on the club. Sometimes it's Nate Bragazi, it's big. Sometimes it's famous people, Theo Vaughn, like, whoever's going to be in town, they go up and they do new jokes. And part of doing new jokes is literally dying in front of an audience because it's not funny. What you thought in your car was funny was going to be great. And it tanks, man. Right. Last night I started. I had a whole yellow pad of stuff, and, bro, it wasn't funny. And instead of dying on my sword trying new stuff to see how I can make it work is There seeds of thing. I. I chickened out and went back to stuff I know works. And it was an act of cowardice. And on the way home, I said to myself, stop doing this. You have a good job. You're a mental health guy. That's what you do. Like, stop doing this. You're wasting your time. You're wasting the audience's time. You're just right. And that was my narrative on the way home. And then I got a text message from a comic named Brent who said, I watched you and next time you're gonna fall on your sword. And it was a back and forth exchange. It was a note of courage and encouragement, and it was awesome. And so I challenged those stories and said, no, that's dumb. I had a bad night. I chickened out. Okay, I won't check it out next time. And so I'm not gonna. I'm gonna challenge those stories. And so getting a stories journal and writing that stuff down, it is. You suck. If. Do I. My wife would be better if she hadn't married me. Really. And sometimes it's. I talked too much last night at that party about my workout program. Yeah, that made me annoying. I'm gonna quit doing that. I'll dial that back. Right. And so, yes, there is some work here, but here's the path. And this is from my buddy, Michael Easter. It is going to be hard to change those internal stories, but you can't give anything that you don't have. And so if you're not at peace with you other people can't be peace in and around you. So if you want to become a man who other people find rest when they're around because of your strength, because of your stability, because of your ease, then you have to develop that stuff from the inside out. That's going to be hard to challenge your thoughts for a while, to write everything down, to ask your wife to call you out when she sees you being negative on yourself. Right. It's also going to be hard to continue to feel like you live in a failure factory, to be unhappy with your fitness levels, to be unhappy with your nutrition, be unhappy with yourself in your marriage. So what you have in front of you is two hard paths. Not one easy one and one hard. You have to choose your hard path.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So what. What I would challenge you to do is choose the path that's going to get you to where you want to be.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, I. I think I'll. I'll take the hard path that gets me where I want to be. And not the hard path that kind of makes people uneasy around me.

[B]

Hang on the line, brother. I'm gonna hook you up with building a non anxious life. It's a book I wrote a year or two ago, may ago now. But I want you to follow it like a roadmap and it will have some questions in that book in the back that you will challenge you on. Who do I want to be? And it will give you a path forward. I'm grateful for you, my man. We'll be right back. Hey, it's February and it's dark and it's cold outside and I know you're spending more time in bed. So if you're going to be spending more time in bed, do it right and with comfort and get yourself a Helix mattress. I've been sleeping on a Helix mattress for a couple of years now and I track my sleep and I know this for certain. My sleep has improved since I got a Helix mattress. Helix mattresses are designed for real people with real sleep styles. Whether you run hot, toss and turn or you just sleep like a rock on your back. Just take their sleep quiz. It's online. It takes like two minutes. I took it. It's amazing. It's quick, it's easy and they're going to match you with the perfect mattress for you. You it works. Plus Helix offers a hundred night trial and every Helix mattress comes with a 10 or 15 year warranty. So take the Helix sleep quiz just like I did. You're going to find the perfect mattress and right now Helix is giving my audience 27 off site wide. This is the best deal you're going to find anywhere. Go to helixsleep.com DeLoney today and check them out. That's Helix H E l I x helixsleep.com DeLoney with Helix Better sleep starts right now. All right, we're back. Here is a money in marriage question. It's anonymous question left at the money and marriage retreat that me and my friend Rachel Cruz put on a few times every year. Here's the question. How as a blended family do we help our children? Not question what is so bad about them that their mom or their dad left. You're never going to be able to avoid that question. That question is natural, it's right and it's a good question for our kids, for all of us to ask. We want to make sure they ask that question though not alone and not unanchored. What does that look like? It means every day for all of their life, whether they are 4 or whether they're 6 foot 4 and 18. The blended parents grab that kid by the face even as they're running out the door and say, stop, stop, stop. Look at me. I love you and I'm glad that you're my son. If you are a stepmom or a stepdad into this new blended family, you look at them and say, I chose you, and I'm so glad I chose you. You are awesome. That means when you're thinking of a big question that you need to ask, whether it's about your job or about a house or about anything, an outfit, you bring them in and say, what do you think about this? I took my daughter shopping with me for my wife for Christmas to buy a few things. And I told her I'm not good at picking certain things out. I would love your advice. My daughter hit a home run on all of it. All of it. Even a couple things she bought. There was a chair my wife wanted, and I was like, dude, she's not. Mom's not gonna like this. And she's like, this is the one. My wife loved it. I was wrong, dude. My daughter was 9 at the time. So it. I want them. Bring them in and give them a bunch of little relational wins with me. So that when they ask the big questions of life, is there, God? Who do I want to be when I grow up? Why did my original mom leave? Why did my original dad leave? The trauma there is the isolation. A kid feeling like I have to answer this question on my own because there's no safe adults in my world. And so we're going to make sure that they are surrounded with safety. They're surrounded with lived experiences of physical touch, of asking their advice on tiny little insignificant things like the color of a chair to big things, right? But we're going to bring them along so that when they ask this big question, why did my dad leave? They'll ask it sitting by you, tethered, anchored in with another safe adult. So we're not going to avoid the hard questions. We're going to provide a safe, anchored place for them to ask these hard questions. Awesome. Awesome question for whoever wrote that in. I love that question. Hey, everybody, listen. I love you guys. It is a chaotic, chaotic world out there. Go do two things in your home today for your spouse, for your roommates, for your friend. Go to two things. Don't tell anybody you did them. Just go put some positivity in the world. Love you guys. Bye.