Mindset Matters - Episode #159 - The FAQs of Our Relationship: How We Handle Conflict and Growth

Summary

The Everyday Millionaire: Mindset Matters - Episode #159

Title: The FAQs of Our Relationship: How We Handle Conflict and Growth
Host: Patrick Francey
Guest: Stephanie Hanlon, Olympic Mental Performance Coach
Release Date: November 14, 2024

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Introduction

In Episode #159 of The Everyday Millionaire podcast, host Patrick Francey engages in a heartfelt and insightful conversation with his wife, Stephanie Hanlon, an Olympic Mental Performance Coach. Together, they explore the intricacies of their relationship, delving deep into how they handle conflict, foster growth, and maintain a strong partnership amidst life's challenges. This episode, titled "The FAQs of Our Relationship: How We Handle Conflict and Growth," offers listeners a candid look into the dynamics of a successful relationship, emphasizing the importance of mindset in navigating disagreements and personal growth.

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Handling Disagreements and Conflict

Patrick and Stephanie begin by addressing a frequently asked question about how they handle disagreements and triggers within their relationship. Stephanie introduces the question:

“What do you guys do when you disagree or are triggered by something the other person says?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [01:43]

Patrick humorously responds:

“You piss me off every single day.”
— Patrick O. [01:43]

They candidly discuss their differing perspectives and approaches to conflict. Stephanie explains the root of their disagreements:

“We do come from different places when it comes to preparation. You’re very detail-oriented... I speak more off the cuff.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [02:00]

Patrick adds:

“We don’t always agree on everything and so we duke it out like every good couple does.”
— Patrick O. [02:44]

The couple emphasizes that their long-term partnership has taught them valuable lessons about non-compromise and maintaining higher standards. Stephanie shares a pivotal moment from over 15 years ago:

“I thought relationships were about compromising, but I learned you don’t compromise.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [03:20]

Patrick underscores their method of avoiding personal attacks:

“We don’t ever throw personal shots at each other. It’s never intended to be hurtful.”
— Patrick O. [04:03]

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Growth Through Challenges

The discussion transitions to how the couple handles situations when things don't go as planned. Stephanie asks:

“Have you ever just had stuff not go well? And how do you handle it?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [08:56]

Patrick responds with his stoic approach:

“What can I control? What I can control is my reaction to something... the universe is happening for me, not to me.”
— Patrick O. [09:13]

Stephanie reflects on their personal growth:

“My personal reaction was to find something to blame. I’ve had to work on that over the years.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

Patrick elaborates on taking responsibility:

“I automatically go to, where was I responsible for the outcome?... I can control my reaction.”
— Patrick O. [12:35]

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Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

The couple discusses strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially during trying times. Stephanie emphasizes the importance of shared goals:

“Why would you be so mean to each other? What are you gaining?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [07:26]

Patrick highlights the significance of transparency and open communication:

“It’s about expressing and being able to say something out loud without triggering a fight.”
— Patrick O. [23:14]

Stephanie introduces the concept of avoiding "navel gazing":

“When people are in a relationship or partnership and they can only see their own perspective... it's very difficult.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [24:21]

Patrick concludes that clarity in communication accelerates relationship growth:

“Clarity equals velocity. When you have that clarity, you don’t go through these times as long or as tangled.”
— Patrick O. [23:14]

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Embracing Changes and Shifting Values

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around how external events, such as the pandemic, have impacted their relationship and personal values. Stephanie shares a listener's concern:

“My wife and I work together, too, and we struggled with different perspectives during 2020 and 2021... It almost cost us our marriage.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [15:00]

Patrick responds by stressing ownership and communication:

“Forget about blaming anybody. Own that there is a breakdown in communication.”
— Patrick O. [18:21]

Stephanie adds a technique she employs with clients called "the Incident," which helps couples reflect on who they were before a significant event and how they've evolved since:

“If you need to live back there and continue to talk about who you were... you're never going to actually take responsibility and embrace where you're going next.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [20:29]

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Practical Advice and Tools

Throughout the episode, Patrick and Stephanie offer practical advice for couples striving to navigate conflicts and foster growth. They touch upon the importance of:

• Non-Blaming Language: Avoiding phrases that seek fault and instead focusing on joint problem-solving.

“Don’t seek to blame anymore. There is nobody to blame.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

• Taking Responsibility: Embracing personal accountability for one’s actions and reactions.

“If you take a decision, you take responsibility for the decision that you make.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

• Seeking External Support: The value of involving a neutral third party, like a coach, to facilitate healthy conversations.

“This is where you bring a coach in... to realign.”
— Patrick O. [22:40]

• Shifting Perspectives: Employing exercises such as the "Head Out of Ass" (HOA) to encourage broader viewpoints.

“I do an exercise called HOA. It’s very deep. You want to hear about it?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [24:20]

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Conclusion

Patrick and Stephanie wrap up the episode by reflecting on the importance of continual growth and understanding within a relationship. They reiterate that maintaining a strong partnership requires ongoing effort, clear communication, and a willingness to adapt. Their candid discussion serves as a valuable resource for listeners seeking to enhance their own relationships, offering both inspiration and actionable strategies to navigate conflicts and foster personal and mutual growth.

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Notable Quotes:

• Stephanie Hanlon [03:20]: “I thought relationships were about compromising, but I learned you don’t compromise.”
• Patrick O. [09:13]: “What can I control? What I can control is my reaction to something... the universe is happening for me, not to me.”
• Patrick O. [22:40]: “This is where you bring a coach in... to realign.”

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Resources Mentioned:

• Email for Questions: [e-mail]
• Website: ceocanada.com

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Connect with Patrick and Stephanie:

• Patrick Francey: Host of The Everyday Millionaire podcast
• Stephanie Hanlon: Olympic Mental Performance Coach

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Listen to Episode #159:
Available on all major podcast platforms. Subscribe to stay updated on future episodes and gain more insights into wealth creation and personal development.

Transcript

[Patrick O.]

Hi there, and welcome to this episode of the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters podcast, where I'm joined by my wife, Olympic mental performance coach Stephanie Hanlon. Franci. In these episodes, Stephanie and I have a conversation about the different aspects of what we refer to as Mindset Matters because we believe that for those who are awake, we are living in and through the most impactful time in history. Your view of the world is the filter for how you will experience the evolution and changing dynamics of it. Our intention is to provide you with ideas, nutritious food for thought, and some tools that you can use to help you in being your greatest self and living your best life. Listen in. Enjoy. Welcome to the Everyday Millionaire Mindset Matters. Stephanie.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Hey, Honestly.

[Patrick O.]

Okay. Frequently asked questions. People do occasionally write in and have questions for us. We've asked people to do that. If you want to do that, CEO, ceocranada.com ask those questions. But we got FAQs. You get some. You get some questions. So you're going to rattle them off and let's work through them.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Sure. Well, I hope you know, I think they're frequently asked or I sort of drilled them down since August. Gave me some food for thought. But a couple of them stood out. And one of them that keeps coming up is, I don't know who it's from, but it says, what do you guys do when you disagree or are triggered by something the other person says? I think they're referring to us as a couple and just in our everyday life.

[Patrick O.]

You piss me off every single day.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

I know, but why is that?

[Patrick O.]

I don't know. It's just. I think it's how you're built, you.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Know, because I'm holding you to a higher standard than you hold yourself to.

[Patrick O.]

Where I'm holding you to a. A higher standard. You know, it does work the other way.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Well, that's true. But you know, what's interesting about this is that we do come from different places when it comes to preparation. I know when we're putting the podcast together, for example, you're very detail oriented. You research, you do a lot of things. And then for me, sometimes if I'm not just able to, you know, speak off the cuff, I'm not as brilliant. So we prepare differently, we kind of organize differently. And I think sometimes that pisses me off because you always seem to be putting so much time and effort into it, and I just feel like I'm not. I think that would take you off.

[Patrick O.]

You don't have to. I'm the one that's Running the show and behind the scenes and the tech guy. I'm the tech guy. I'm the question the theme guy. Oh, gosh.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

But what do we do? So let's answer the question.

[Patrick O.]

Well, I think the question is we don't always agree on everything.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

No, hardly.

[Patrick O.]

And so we duke it out like every good couple does.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah. And I think since we've been together so long, what I've realized, I learned from you really early on is that you don't compromise. And I used to not understand that at all. I thought that relationships, you were supposed to compromise and split the difference and, you know, hit the 50, 50. And what I've really learned from you, and I don't remember, but we were still living in Edmonton, so it's got to be over 15 years ago. And I said, can you just say you're sorry or can you just compromise? And you said, no. And I went, what?

[Patrick O.]

Well, settle down. I sometimes say I'm sorry if I'm wrong. It's just that I'm rarely wrong.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Okay. And that's the other thing, is we both come at this stuff with a little bit of humor and a little bit of self. Is it called self efficacy? No, self whatever. Like, we know each ourselves, I think is what it is. And I know many times the things that you do and say aren't meant to hurt me. And if I'm hurt, I need to do the work to figure out what it is. And sometimes if I'm. If I'm reactive or I'm in a bad mood or I've traveled or I've had one too many glasses of wine, I can get reactive. And I don't like that about myself. But I do have the ability to say I'm sorry and to take responsibility. I think that's the thing. I really learned that relationships are 100, 100. They're not 50. 50.

[Patrick O.]

Well, I think there's a couple of things. Number one, you know, a long time ago, we established that we don't ever throw personal shots at each other. It's because we just don't. And it's not even. It's just we don't think that way. So it's not even something that we have to protect. You know, like, it's just I don't think that way. And so. And neither do you. So it's never that. We can get into some pretty heated discussions we've joked about in the past. You know, if you're one of our friends and you've ever seen us get into it. If you don't know us, you're going, holy cow, are these guys going to kill each other or are they going to get divorced or what the hell is going on? Because we can get pretty chirpy about certain things. Right. And it sounds a little bit like bickering. Now, interestingly enough, is that some of our closest friends, they bicker. They're like us, and we don't even think about it. It's just that that's how they go. Of course that's how you do it. But there's never intention of personal, hurtful kind of things. It's never intended to be that. That's part of it. I think you've got more ego around stuff than I do. Maybe. I think there's. That shows up. I think part of it, I'm not as well.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

I'm just much more successful than you, so I have more to defend.

[Patrick O.]

Listen, make no mistake, I've lived my whole life vicariously through you, so you are my bling. There's no question about it. So, yeah. So I think there's a. There's a part of it. We don't take it. We try not to take things personally. You know, it's, it's, it's. And it's not even a case of not taking things personally. It's. If we're in these discussions, we're not throwing personal darts in each other. That's just the way we don't, we don't operate that way. And it's just, it's. It would be off limits if it was.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah. And I appreciate that. And we did know a couple years ago that they had a deal. If somebody hurt, said something hurtful, the other person had to say three nice things or something. There was some weird agreement that they made which gave them. Which was, I thought was so bizarre. It gave them permission to say mean things to each other.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

And then the other person would wait and. Until they said three nice things, and then they would be like, okay. And I just find that so childish. I would rather just say what I need to say based on my values and make sure that I'm saying it in a way that is not disrespectful to you and who you are. And I think that's. That's a little bit elevated of a conversation. And I really appreciate that we got to that early on.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah. I think there's another side of it too, is that, you know, sometimes the truth hurts. So I think there's another side of that, which is we're pretty good at calling each other out on stuff. And that can piss us off. But what pisses us off is almost always true. It is, you know, somebody who hold, you know, I'm holding up a mirror to you, you're holding up a mirror to me. And that sometimes is. That's a little bit hard to take, you know, it is.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

And I think for people that are listening to this that are, you know, committed to having healthy relationships, especially with your life partner, I mean, why would you set yourself up to fail? I had this conversation with a nice dance team last week, and they were bickering and mean to each other and saying really snarky things. And finally I said, so, no question, guys. So can you win without your partner? And they're like, well, no. I said, so you both have the same goal and you're working towards the same goal. Why would you be so mean to each other? What are you gaining? What are you getting from that? And it just, wow, they just went quiet because they never looked at it that way, is that they're with their partner. The only way they can win is if their partner wins. So why would I tear my partner down? Why would I rip and, you know, rip into them? And I finally got to it with them as a. What is going on for them as individuals that they need to clear that they need to look after?

[Patrick O.]

Well, I think there's a, you know, there's a part of it, and we've all seen this experience it in our lives or witnessed it, you know, which is number one, if you're a right fighter, you're always going to be, you know, there's always going to be some kind of argument or fight if you, if you just need to be right, whether you're right or not, and if you're a right fighter, there's going to be a fight. Firstly, secondly, is that if you go to this place where, you know, if he or she wasn't so fat, or if they would look after themselves better or if they, you know, got up earlier or slept later or, you know, whatever the story is, there's a story around that. So if you start and you get into it in that kind of way, it'll never go well, because those are personal digs that you're throwing and they're meant to be hurtful. And if that's how you operate, then that's what's going to break down the relationship. So can, you know, when we talk about certain things, so if you show up a certain way, if you say something if you. If you make a decision that I don't align with that affects us, then I have the conversation with you about how it impacts me, how I see it, my view of the world. And so, yeah, you do some things that, you know, really piss me off because it usually means I have to do something else. There's some more work I have to do.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah. So I think we beat that one to death. Okay. There's a couple here, similar ones. I think your life sounds so exciting. It's been. I've been listening to you guys for a while and beginning to think my life is just never going to get better. Oh, have you ever just had stuff not go well? And how do you handle it? I think.

[Patrick O.]

What time is it now?

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah. Right. Oh, boy. I think that's a hard one because we both have really big egos and. And we're both very committed to our goals and our purposes. And when stuff doesn't go well, how do I handle it? Oh, sometimes I just break down and cry.

[Patrick O.]

Well, I don't know that so much, but I mean, ultimately it really is understanding. You know, it goes back to the work that we've done. You know, it takes sometimes a minute to get there. Sometimes not so much. You know, I'm pretty stoic in that regard myself. I, you know, in. In a moment, I can be agitated, I can be triggered by something, but not so much. You know, I. I think I've just come to a place where what can I control? What can I control? And what I ultimately can control is my reaction to something. And it's not the event, it's how I interpret the event. So then I have to shift that event. If I screw up, I'm. You know, I'm harder on myself than anybody. And then ultimately there's a part of me that really does believe that the universe is happening for me, not to me. And so even when I screw up, you know, sometimes, you know, I've been beating myself up on a couple of things that I've just really up on lately. But ultimately I realized that it took courage to try what I tried to do. And although it didn't work out and some things went south, there was still a part of it. The intention was there. It wasn't. I was being irresponsible. There was some courage to do some of the things. Anyways, my. My point is, is that when things don't work out, it really is then that shift into mindset. It really is understanding and believing that there's something better on the other side of whatever it is, it just may not unfold as quick or the way you think it should and the way it should. And so you have to get past that. And that just takes, I think, maybe some years of experience and, or the willingness to just drop into that. Health insurance doesn't have to break the bank.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

80% of Oregonians received financial assistance through.

[Patrick O.]

The Oregon Health Insurance Marketplace last year.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

And you might qualify, too.

[Patrick O.]

At oregonhealthcare.gov you can explore quality health plans from trusted insurers and find one.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

That fits your budget and your needs.

[Patrick O.]

We're here to get you covered.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Visit oregonhealthcare.gov to get started. Lane Well, I think I'm really happy to hear you say that because it is true. And I think what you don't do is you don't go into blame. And I think that's when people screw up or when I screw up or whatever. My first thing is, I want to find out the reason why, you know, whose fault is it? Why did it happen? And I've gotten way better than that. Sorry with that over the years, is that I don't seek to blame anymore. But sometimes my, my personal reaction is to find something to blame. Just find someone. It's got to be someone's fault. It can't be my fault. And I've had to work on that over the years because it isn't anybody else else's fault and there is nobody to blame. If I've made a choice, if I've taken a decision. And I love that. I learned that from my French colleagues. They don't make decisions, they take decisions. And when you take a decision, you take responsibility for the decision that you make. You get an outcome. You either like the outcome or you don't like the outcome. And if you like the outcome, you do it again. If you don't like it, stop doing it.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

And it really becomes that clear. But I think that for most people, when I go through this with, with clients and with friends is part of the issue. And what I find quite difficult is going through their blame statement, like how deeply they can't look at themselves. And that's a really, really great skill that you have, I think hun.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah, I don't know. I blame the government.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

For everything.

[Patrick O.]

It's Trudeau's fault, let's face it, you know, him or freely one of the two of them anyways, you know. Yeah, so, yeah, I definitely trained myself that way. I automatically go to, okay, where was I responsible for the outcome? You know, and sometimes I'M just. It's just the way the world unfolded and, you know, I certainly can't be responsible for what's unfolding in the world today, given all of the things that have happened over the past four or five years. But what I can take responsibility for and what I can own is my reaction to it and then how I deal with it. So I can't control that. The issues, but I can control how I react to it and the changes that we make in our life to accommodate.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

So, so great. I appreciate that. So thanks for that. The next one, I think is really interesting here. Patrick, you always sound so proud of Stephanie. Aw.

[Patrick O.]

Cause I am.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Does. When she travel and has all those exciting experiences, does it ever make you jealous?

[Patrick O.]

No, I don't think so sometimes. Maybe not jealous. Sometimes I wish I was there. But I also know that both of us have traveled so much over the years that when we're traveling, you're in work mode. You're on, I'm on. Sometimes we don't even text each other other than say goodnight. See? Talk to you. Bye. Love you. And that's the, you know, that we. One text today is to say good night, depending on what time zones we're. We're on. But, yeah, ultimately, I don't know that I'm jealous. I'm happy for you that you get to do it. I'm not wired to get on airplanes and do all the stuff that you do to the extent that you do. You love it. I get it. And you're also at the other end. You get to be the contribution and do what you love to do. So.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah, no, I think it's a funny question because I don't think either of us. I mean, I would get. I'm proud of you. And I know when I see you on stage and I just see how you interact with people and how in moments when you're just chatting with Aaron or the kids or our chosen family and, you know, when you. When you bring your knowledge to, like our real estate deals with my brother and, you know, it just. You have so much wisdom. And that I get a little bit jealous of sometimes is that you have that practicality and that pragmatic kind of way of. Of hearing things. I think JD called you at one point the Clarity Coach, and I thought that I want to be that.

[Patrick O.]

Well, you know, as they say, honey, I complete you. Oh, they complete each other.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah. Well, I didn't know I was incomplete. Probably because my ego's so big. I thought I was, you know, all that we can't be.

[Patrick O.]

We together. We make the whole.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

That's exactly right.

[Patrick O.]

Right. You're. You're. You. So you're like my bling, my hard drive. I live my life vicariously through you, so.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Yeah, that's funny. Next one. Oh, this one is just. I tried to register for It's. I think it's shift, but it looked. It sounds. It looks like shit hits the fan right here. Really funny. I tried to register for shift, but it looks like it's been canceled. Will you offer it again?

[Patrick O.]

Yes, 100%. Of course it has. It's just been delayed. It has been canceled.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Okay. Okay. I think we just want to go into the new year with a little bit more clarity.

[Patrick O.]

Yep.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Okay, here's one. This one is really interesting. I'm going to read the whole thing, and I don't know, and I want to say I think I know who this is from, but they didn't. When I got the email, I didn't recognize the URL. Anyway, my wife and I work together, too, and we struggle with different perspectives on certain issues. We had a really hard time during 2020 and 2021. She was 100% against the mandates and all the stuff going on, and I was too inside. But I felt I needed to do what we were being told to do by the media to keep the business going. Okay, I get it. It almost cost us our marriage. Did you know anyone or were you in a similar situation during that time or ever? And what did you do? I feel like we will never be the same and for no fault of our own. It almost. It's almost like a fear of being honest with each other. Almost what I think PTSD may feel like.

[Patrick O.]

So what's the question?

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Have we ever been or coached or worked with people who were completely opposite in their belief systems and how did they handle it?

[Patrick O.]

How many times did we see that, have conversations about that? You know, that is really about alignment, isn't it? And, gosh, we know more than one couple that ended up divorced over it. So, yeah, I mean, it is an interesting. It was an interesting exercise that I think many people went through and are still going through. And so the short answer is, yeah, we've been through that. We, you know, there was interesting as we ever. As we were going through that we didn't always align. I mean, you were way, way more freaking, like, I'm not wearing a freaking mask, blah, blah, blah. I go settle down. You know, what was my big question, you know, is really. Is that a hill? You want to die on. Like, really, it was part of the.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Hill I was gonna die on. Absolutely.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah. You're. You're going a little overboard.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

So I figured it out really soon. But I guess back to this question was, I feel like we will never be the same for no fault of our own. So if we go back to the last question about who you are in relationship, and it's true, you know, I think it really shined a light on people's true values. And when you're being fed and dripped out fear and the fear porn, and you'll do this. If you don't do this, grandma will die. I mean, the threats that were coming for me, that's where I react. I got reactive because it was in the threats. And I don't think that's our government's role. I don't think that's people's role, is to threaten other people to do something.

[Patrick O.]

Yeah, but let's go back. Let's go back. So let's just get back to forget about, you know, here's the thing. Through no fault of our own right away. That's not owning the responsibility in the relationship.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Good point.

[Patrick O.]

Right. So it is. It's not about blame, by the way. And so, but just because of the languaging and the word that they chose to use, you know, they're looking for fault. There is no fault. There is. You know, first off, forget about blaming anybody about what went on in your relationship. You got to own that part of your relationship, and that is that there is a breakdown in communication. There was a misalignment. There wasn't a conversation to be had. The saying, well, why do you think this and why do you think that? And where can we align and say, okay, you know, because you and I didn't always align on how you were being around it. I was far less activated by it at points in time than you were. But ultimately, we always align. And so let's go back to that question. And I think, really regardless of what we agree with or disagree with in terms of how the governments and central banks and all of this stuff took us through that whole thing, ultimately it goes back to how were we as a couple and how did we communicate? How did we interact and who are we being in the relationship and why were we fighting with each other given the circumstances that show up? Because ultimately, within the relationships, you're going to have stuff happen in life. And, you know, some of those things are going to put a lot of pressure on the relationship. And so it's up to us as couples, to be transparent, to have conversations, to talk through shit, but also set ourselves up so that we can feel safe in doing that. And that's, I think a big one is that. And that's probably back to our initial question with us is that we were pretty, you know, we hold ourselves and we feel safe and having very transparent conversations and knowing that it's not about us, it doesn't make somebody wrong, you know. You know, we're not serial killers underneath, you know, like that would be something would be interesting to disclose, but oh gosh, I go off. I have no idea where that came from. But the point is, the breakdown was in the conversation.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

It is. And I, you know, to your point here, hun, is that in, in this particular situation, probably before 2020 and 2021, there was issues in the relationship. And if you're listening to this, I'm not judging you, I don't know who you are. All I know is that in the relationship, up until something, an incident, a death in the family, a loss of a job, a pandemic, we don't know. But who are you being before that? And do you have the relationship that you say you have and that you want so that you can get through the trying times? I do an exercise with my clients called the Incident. And we take the incident and we talk about who we were before the incident, whether it's an accident or an illness or a death or something, and who we're being after. And what I've been able to do is take people back to the incident and go, okay, that was the incident. Who you were before has grown and evolved. If you need to live back there and continue to talk about who you were and how much better it was before the incident, then you're never going to actually take responsibility and embrace where you're going next. Because we're all going to be different after this, whatever incident. We're going to be different. And who are we being? And do you have the permission in yourself and in your life to shift your values? Maybe the values that you had before aren't really all that important. Maybe if you were fully financially driven and all of a sudden you're going, you know what? Family's more important to me now. It's not that I don't want to, you know, not that I want to quit my job, but I'm going to shift my values so that I'm putting more time and attention into this new value. And I think with the incident, like for example, if I go back to this question, then my phone just closed. But it was about the 20, 20, 2021 time frame. Who were you before that? And if that particular thing is what shut you down, shut your marriage down, shut your jobs down, et cetera, is there a place where you go, okay, well, maybe we weren't prepared to go through that kind of physical and economical economic test in our businesses. We. We were really lucky. We skated through that. Not easily, but there were some times that we had some pretty heated arguments. And for me, the values around, you know, people telling me what to do, what to wear, what to put in my body is that it's a game. It's a. It's a deal breaker for me. I was not prepared for that. So. But what we did was we had the space. I could say that out loud. And you didn't make me wrong for that.

[Patrick O.]

Right. So this goes back and, you know, really, this question's a classic example of, you know, as much as we talk about it on the podcast, this is. This is why we're coaches. These are the opportunities that, you know, for you, if you don't have the skillset to align as a couple, that's where you bring a coach in. This is where you actually have somebody come in that's a neutral party that can listen, that understands these dynamics, and then have the conversation to realign. You know, we often have used the phrase clarity equals velocity. And when you have that clarity, you don't go through these times, and. Or if you do, you go through them quickly and then you realign because you now have the tools and the language to not blame, to not have fault, but to actually have conversation that opens up and really kind of takes the issue, takes the charge off it, and works through it so that you come out the other side of it going, okay, here's where we are. And sometimes that just is really a case of agreeing to disagree. But it doesn't have to be detrimental. You're not operating on top of it. You've expressed it. And then over time, things may evolve and change, but ultimately part of it is, I think often is just about expressing and being able to say something out loud and not feel like you're going to activate trigger, start a big prick and fight. And so that time sometimes has that other party coming in and having that conversation walk you through some strategies and.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

To shift to how you see it. Because the term that I like to use a lot is navel gazing. When people are in relationship or partnership and they can only see their own perspective and they're gazing at their own navel. It's very difficult. So I do all. I do a whole exercise called hoa. It's very deep. You want to hear about it?

[Patrick O.]

Go ahead.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

Head out of ass. Do a head out of ass exercise. Anyway, those are the questions that came in since August that I thought were quite compelling, and I'm really glad that we had a chance to dig into them. Is there anything you want to.

[Patrick O.]

No, but I do want to say, being a real estate brain, when you said hoa, I thought homeowners Association.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

I know. I love acronyms because I can play with them a lot.

[Patrick O.]

Okay, that's it. I think we got it. Those are fun. Hopefully you enjoyed these, Stephanie. Thanks.

[Stephanie Hanlon]

That was fun.

[Patrick O.]

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. If you found value in the podcast, please take the time to rate and review and share with others. Share with your friends as it is my goal to always improve and to provide the highest value for you, the listener. If you have any comments, suggestions, or questions you'd like answered, please email [e-mail] that's ceocanada.com I look forward to hearing from you. And until next next time, Patrick O.