The Everyday Millionaire: Mindset Matters - Episode #159

Title: The FAQs of Our Relationship: How We Handle Conflict and Growth
Host: Patrick Francey
Guest: Stephanie Hanlon, Olympic Mental Performance Coach
Release Date: November 14, 2024

Introduction

In Episode #159 of The Everyday Millionaire podcast, host Patrick Francey engages in a heartfelt and insightful conversation with his wife, Stephanie Hanlon, an Olympic Mental Performance Coach. Together, they explore the intricacies of their relationship, delving deep into how they handle conflict, foster growth, and maintain a strong partnership amidst life's challenges. This episode, titled "The FAQs of Our Relationship: How We Handle Conflict and Growth," offers listeners a candid look into the dynamics of a successful relationship, emphasizing the importance of mindset in navigating disagreements and personal growth.

Handling Disagreements and Conflict

Patrick and Stephanie begin by addressing a frequently asked question about how they handle disagreements and triggers within their relationship. Stephanie introduces the question:

“What do you guys do when you disagree or are triggered by something the other person says?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [01:43]

Patrick humorously responds:

“You piss me off every single day.”
— Patrick O. [01:43]

They candidly discuss their differing perspectives and approaches to conflict. Stephanie explains the root of their disagreements:

“We do come from different places when it comes to preparation. You’re very detail-oriented... I speak more off the cuff.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [02:00]

Patrick adds:

“We don’t always agree on everything and so we duke it out like every good couple does.”
— Patrick O. [02:44]

The couple emphasizes that their long-term partnership has taught them valuable lessons about non-compromise and maintaining higher standards. Stephanie shares a pivotal moment from over 15 years ago:

“I thought relationships were about compromising, but I learned you don’t compromise.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [03:20]

Patrick underscores their method of avoiding personal attacks:

“We don’t ever throw personal shots at each other. It’s never intended to be hurtful.”
— Patrick O. [04:03]

Growth Through Challenges

The discussion transitions to how the couple handles situations when things don't go as planned. Stephanie asks:

“Have you ever just had stuff not go well? And how do you handle it?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [08:56]

Patrick responds with his stoic approach:

“What can I control? What I can control is my reaction to something... the universe is happening for me, not to me.”
— Patrick O. [09:13]

Stephanie reflects on their personal growth:

“My personal reaction was to find something to blame. I’ve had to work on that over the years.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

Patrick elaborates on taking responsibility:

“I automatically go to, where was I responsible for the outcome?... I can control my reaction.”
— Patrick O. [12:35]

Maintaining a Healthy Relationship

The couple discusses strategies for maintaining a healthy relationship, especially during trying times. Stephanie emphasizes the importance of shared goals:

“Why would you be so mean to each other? What are you gaining?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [07:26]

Patrick highlights the significance of transparency and open communication:

“It’s about expressing and being able to say something out loud without triggering a fight.”
— Patrick O. [23:14]

Stephanie introduces the concept of avoiding "navel gazing":

“When people are in a relationship or partnership and they can only see their own perspective... it's very difficult.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [24:21]

Patrick concludes that clarity in communication accelerates relationship growth:

“Clarity equals velocity. When you have that clarity, you don’t go through these times as long or as tangled.”
— Patrick O. [23:14]

Embracing Changes and Shifting Values

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around how external events, such as the pandemic, have impacted their relationship and personal values. Stephanie shares a listener's concern:

“My wife and I work together, too, and we struggled with different perspectives during 2020 and 2021... It almost cost us our marriage.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [15:00]

Patrick responds by stressing ownership and communication:

“Forget about blaming anybody. Own that there is a breakdown in communication.”
— Patrick O. [18:21]

Stephanie adds a technique she employs with clients called "the Incident," which helps couples reflect on who they were before a significant event and how they've evolved since:

“If you need to live back there and continue to talk about who you were... you're never going to actually take responsibility and embrace where you're going next.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [20:29]

Practical Advice and Tools

Throughout the episode, Patrick and Stephanie offer practical advice for couples striving to navigate conflicts and foster growth. They touch upon the importance of:

• Non-Blaming Language: Avoiding phrases that seek fault and instead focusing on joint problem-solving.

“Don’t seek to blame anymore. There is nobody to blame.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

• Taking Responsibility: Embracing personal accountability for one’s actions and reactions.

“If you take a decision, you take responsibility for the decision that you make.”
— Stephanie Hanlon [12:36]

• Seeking External Support: The value of involving a neutral third party, like a coach, to facilitate healthy conversations.

“This is where you bring a coach in... to realign.”
— Patrick O. [22:40]

• Shifting Perspectives: Employing exercises such as the "Head Out of Ass" (HOA) to encourage broader viewpoints.

“I do an exercise called HOA. It’s very deep. You want to hear about it?”
— Stephanie Hanlon [24:20]

Conclusion

Patrick and Stephanie wrap up the episode by reflecting on the importance of continual growth and understanding within a relationship. They reiterate that maintaining a strong partnership requires ongoing effort, clear communication, and a willingness to adapt. Their candid discussion serves as a valuable resource for listeners seeking to enhance their own relationships, offering both inspiration and actionable strategies to navigate conflicts and foster personal and mutual growth.

Notable Quotes:

• Stephanie Hanlon [03:20]: “I thought relationships were about compromising, but I learned you don’t compromise.”
• Patrick O. [09:13]: “What can I control? What I can control is my reaction to something... the universe is happening for me, not to me.”
• Patrick O. [22:40]: “This is where you bring a coach in... to realign.”

Resources Mentioned:

• Email for Questions: me@ceocanada.com
• Website: ceocanada.com

Connect with Patrick and Stephanie:

• Patrick Francey: Host of The Everyday Millionaire podcast
• Stephanie Hanlon: Olympic Mental Performance Coach

Listen to Episode #159:
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